#specifically this is why i avoid irl queer spaces bc idk if the ppl in them

[plasmaniac]

sometimes you accidentally stumble upon a small glimpse into some incredibly niche community online full of some of the worst freaks of society you will ever bear witness to

[tithe2hell]

thoughts (aroace fujoshism, sexuality of "play" vs "real" idk idk)

Fujoism is a really funny experience...I don't sexually get off to men and I don't find it attractive in the arousal sense and yet I find gay sex really aesthetically calming and fun... I feel like the way I articulate my fujoisms feels often like the way very chill straight men talk about their no homo aesthetic appreciation of guys and homoeroticism, as like an intriguing concept, perhaps on some level "locked out" of experiencing it in the "real" internal inherent appreciative way but still feeling impressed somehow.

I don't really feel a mournfulness or fomo-leading-to-self-actualization the way say, some of the usual timeline of like the fujos who turn out to be gay transmasc are, since I don't rly care to be a participant. And ig i feel different than the lesbian fujos since I don't feel the men are stand-ins for women or a general queer attraction necessarily. I think for me a lot of it is the pleasure of feeling "Outside" or other (the fujo cuck chair, as one expresses). Idk I think sex is fun and interesting as a subject and expression of characters and their desires, not *despite* not wanting it but maybe specifically *because* of not understanding or connecting to it.

Thinking about this because of a minor personal conflict earlier with a former friend which was sad and frustrating to me bc it was like they could not believe or understand that I, or other aroaces for that matter, could have interest in making art or consuming art about sexual subjects and being invested in such works emotionally without it being idk a symptom of being in a state of unhealthy sexual repression.

I think this made me really self conscious for a long while and also sad. Because of acephobia lol but also in a more vain sense, about my skills. Either one can be good at making sexually themed art, and that means you must be secretly Really Full of 'real' desires you're using art as a cheap substitute to idk avoid Living Your True Life. Or I'm just idk a freak who doesn't understand will never understand and any attempts at making art about this subject for which I am an outsider will look ridiculous, shallow, and insulting to the Real Sexuality Experiencers. And why should I even bother, huh!

The thing is I think for a lot of my experiences, both irl and artistic, I think a lot of it feels kind of...if not fake, like some sort of external performance more than internal since I don't have that internal desire drive I guess. I draw gay sex, I don't experience it, but I enjoy the concept about it. I kissed my lesbian friends and shared beds and space and showers w them and felt nothing inherently desirous about it in my body but I value the experience and intimate trust as something meaningful and fun. I've never had sex and don't particularly want to but I feel that if I ever did it would be a similar feeling of outsider-play, an appreciation from the outside of experience but nothing inherently bodily meaningful the way it is for other people. I guess this is where kink comes in for some but I don't think about it in terms of kink necessarily.

anyways just some thoughts. I feel my relationship to sexuality TLDR is just that to me it all feels fake and unreal but in a playful way, I don't mean to deny other ppl the way it is Real and Weighty and Impactful to their lives. I think this may be part of the reason why some dudes get pissed off at Fujos for the "fetishization" it's bc they're maybe doing the weight vs lightness thing....a sexual orientation and life identity is Serious Business vs the triviality of yaoi. Which I can respect, but also I think it ignores how the "triviality" of works is also not in itself identity, but Artistic Exploration, which by nature must have stylized playfulness to it that is not necessarily always attached to reality (although knowledge of reality always adds to art.) different goals exist then, to live vs. to create for its own sake. For many it overlaps but I do think they are different goals. And the frustration happens when ppl mix up the play-fake with the real, and that aspect I think goes both ways (the infamous anecdotes of the fujos harassing gay ppl like characters, but also of random dudes getting mad at someone posting an obviously fictional story or explicit sexual fantasy and being like "how could u fetishize MEEEEE" the boundaries being broken down in those instances)