#start casting him instead of james corden

[ilovefredjones]

when is zac efron going to be in a musical again

[that-shamrock-vibe]

Movie Review: Cinderella (Spoilers)

Disclaimer: I am posting this review the day after the movie airs on Amazon Prime, so if you haven't yet seen it don't read on until you do.

General Reaction:

It is slightly weird to think of another movie studio taking on one of the classic fairy-tales that isn't Disney, because, as I am sure is the case for a large portion of the mainstream audience, Disney have almost claimed fairytale adaptations as their own.

However, as identified, Cinderella, is a fairy tale and one created long before Disney came about. As such, other studios are allowed to put across their own interpretation of these classic stories that we have seen a lot of times adapted at this point.

That being said, we have seen many different adaptations of Cinderella at this point from the classis Disney Animation version and it's live-action counterpart, to modern-day reworkings like A Cinderella Story of the mid-noughties starring Hilary Duff.

It's quite an easy story to tell and adapt to a variety of different settings, and what this 2021 retelling does with the story blends the old-fashioned with the modern. Does that mean it is set apart from the others? Well in my opinion yes and no.

While this is a Sony movie, it plays a lot like a Disney Channel Original Movie. From the comedy to the settings to the costuming and the music, it plays like the best of those types of movies. I'm talking the High School Musical franchise and the Descendants franchise. It is by no means bad or corny, but it isn't even on the level of the 2016 live-action Cinderella.

While that version was pretty much a straightforward live-action version of the original animated version, the style of the movie outweighed the substance.

Here however, there is a great blend of both style and substance. The story takes the classic elements of the original Cinderella fairy tale but tries to inject a modern and feministic twist that the recent live-action Beauty and the Beast tried to do.

In terms of whether this version of Cinderella stands out in the crowd of Cinderella movies, I would say it does. Not only is the titular character race-bent and the setting she is in seemingly plays into that, but the reworking of the Fairy Godmother as the Fab G as well as giving the Stepmother a more humanised backstory allows for a more compelling take on a classic.

Cast:

Because this is just the one all-in review I'm not going to do an in-depth character analysis and instead group the characters as who were my favourites, who did a passable job, who was bad and who were for some reason just there.

Favourites:

I have a top 3/4 favourite characters in this movie. Idina Menzel's Stepmother Vivian, Billy Porter's Fab G, Minnie Driver's Queen Beatrice and additionally Beverly Knight's Queen Tatiana.

Idina Menzel was always going to be fantastic in this movie, but to see her portray what is traditionally the villain character in the movie as a sympathetic character as part of the movie's feminist agenda was an interesting twist. No cat for a start, I don't know if Lucifer was a part of the original fairy tale but of course in the Disney adaptations Lady Tremaine is always accompanied by her faithful feline, but also the fact that her backstory parallels Ella's current story and the fact Vivian was so willing to have Ella reject her passion to do what is expected of her just as was forced on her was actually great motivation.

In truth I have only ever seen Billy Porter in one other thing aside from this movie and that was American Horror Story: Apocalypse. I have never seen Pose though I have heard good things, but from what I understand, Billy Porter only really has one speed. However, as the character's name states, that speed is fabulous. I loved Fab G in this movie, the fairy godmother is usually one of my favourite characters in the movie and every interpretation I have seen has brought something different and memorable. If this version of Cinderella is remembered for anything it will be for this very modernised take on the Fairy Godmother, not only gender-bending and race-bending a traditionally white female character, but with Porter choosing to make the character non-binary and that outfit speaks for itself, Fab G was simply a fabulous character.

In both Disney adaptations, I have never heard mention or reference to Prince Charming having a living mother...or a dead one for that matter. So to not only have the Queen being in a chunk of this movie, but also having her own story branch tying into the feminist agenda running through the movie and being portrayed by Minnie Driver, I was in love with this character.

Pretty much similar to the Fab G, if you've seen Beverly Knight's one second in the trailers you've pretty much seen her in the movie. She contributes to Ella's story in the movie and only appears in the latter half of the movie in 2 maybe 3 scenes but she makes an impact because she's Beverly Knight. My only gripe with her is she does not sing in the movie, you have Beverly Knight with not even a solo in a group number?

Passable:

Unfortunately the star of the movie Camilla Cabello is just passable in this movie as Cinderella. She does have some humour about her and her singing is great despite maybe being autotuned because I know how she can sing, but she doesn't feel like Cinderella to me, it actually feels more like a version of what Emma Watson was doing with Belle in the live-action Beauty and the Beast rather than Cinderella but at least she tried.

As for Nicholas Galitzine, he's definitely more engaging as a modern-day Prince Charming, Robert is definitely more engaging a character than Ella unfortunately, which to be fair is still good as the 2015 Cinderella is the only other adaptation to really make the Prince interesting, but I can't quite put my finger on exactly which movie it is but there is another movie I have seen where the Prince Regent doesn't want to be king but the Princess does and has to fight for her right to be it...that's pretty much this story for them.

Also Pierce Brosnan as the King, despite jokingly singing towards the end, did a great job at being the archetype of old-fashioned values with his on-screen wife Minnie Driver's queen pushing him into a modern-day thinking.

Bad:

As for who's bad, I have to say it pains but the British comic relief characters really let the side down in this movie.

In the three mice defence, Romesh Ranganathan and James Acaster are somewhat funny but unnecessary. James Corden however is abismal in this movie. I get he produces it, but particularly after Cats I do not understand 1) Why he'd want to portray another CG animal or 2) Ever think that one shot of him changing back from human to mouse with his head on a mouse body was funny...it was terrifying.

Also this movie is supposedly a family-audience movie...so why include a crass joke of Corden's character talking about peeing out of his front tail?

Additionally to the three mice, Rob Beckett has a surprising role in this movie as a potential suitor for Vivian's daughters, but he simply portrays such a creepy, cringe-worthy character it's almost uncomfortable to watch.

New Additions:

So as well as the two queens and the British comic relief there is also the addition of Princess Gwen to the movie who is the sister of the Prince and the one who wants to be ruler. It's kind of the same story as Jasmine's in the live-action Aladdin as wanting to be Sultan but being a woman isn't taken seriously, however here it is treated more comedically as every time there is a serious moment with the King trying to force Robert to grow up and be King, she always tries to interject with "Would this be a bad time to tell you about an actual real reason why I would be a good ruler" and they make sense but she's always dismissed until the very end.

Then there's a town crier, who is also inserted as a musical number while he's reading his proclamations but as a rap. Honestly I don't know Doc Brown as an artist but I did happen to enjoy what he contributed.

Music:

Which brings us on nicely to the music of the movie as this is a musical and I usually break down the songs. Again this time I will be doing groupings of best to worse.

Honestly my favourite number is probably "Shining Star" mostly performed by Billy Porter with verses by Camilla Cabello and, unfortunately, James Corden.

I also enjoyed the two original songs of the movie, "Million to One" which is Cabello's "I Want" song of the movie and used a lot through the movie, and then also "Dream Girl" which is Idina's main other song but also sung by basically the women of the movie, it's Idina Menzel if you don't give her an original song it's an insult.

Idina's other song is a cover of "Material Girl" and honestly it is a lot of fun, Nicholas Galitzine's rendition of "Somebody to Love" was also fun and surprising as I did not think this guy could sing that well.

The group numbers were fun and well choreographed but they are also somewhat forgettable. The song at the ball of "Whatta Man/Seven Nation Army" was probably the most memorable but still just mediocre.

Recommendation:

So with all that said, would I recommend watching Sony's Cinderella? Honestly I would say it is worth at least one viewing, and I do recommend watching all the way through just to get the full experience. I do think it will do better as a streaming movie than it would have done as a theatrical release, but I cannot pinpoint a market for this movie.

I don't think this will go down as one of the great adaptations, but there are moments and aspects of the movie that sets it apart from the crowd.

Overall I rate this movie a 7/10, it's not as fantastic as I feel the trailers were making it out to be, but having seen the movie twice there are definitely elements of the movie I looked forward to watching the second time around.

So that's my review of Sony's Cinderella, what did you guys think? Post your comments and check out more Movie Reviews as well as other posts.

[uppastthejelliclemoon]

☕️ movie stars headlining film adaptations of musicals.

i have really mixed feelings about this

Sometimes, they can be done right, and be done INCREDIBLY well:

The 2007 version of “Hairspray” continues to be one of my favorite musical-to-film adaptations. The cast was incredible, the way they played the characters was perfect, and Queen Latifa, Elijah Kelly, and James Marsden still have my favorite songs of the movie, as well as my favorite performances.

- Likewise, “Sweeney Todd”, the 2007 film, was incredibly well done. Johnny Depp was an INCREDIBLE Sweeney, Helena Bonham Carter and Sacha Baron Cohen were amazing, and overall, and don’t even get me started on Alan Rickman. It's one of my favorite musical adaptations.

Then you have the in-betweens:

“Into the Woods”, for the most part, was semi-enjoyable. Emily Blunt was a beautiful Baker’s Wife, Chris Pine and Billy Magnussen were hilarious as the two princes, and Christine Baranski, as always, was wonderful. Additionally, though it was a brief scene, Johnny Depp was, again, incredible as the wolf. However, the other performances felt lackluster, and not as impressive, particularly Meryl Streep’s performance as the Witch, in my opinion.

I personally loved Hugh Jackman and Anne Hathaway in “Les Mis”. Hathaway’s version of “I Dreamed A Dream” made me cry in theaters, and Hugh playing Valjean is everything I could have ever wanted. However, in the same movie, Russell Crowe and Amanda Seyfried left a lot to be desired, especially Crowe’s performance as Javert. (i’m not mentioning any of the stage performers, such as Aaron Tveit or Samantha Banks, because i think their performances were utter perfection)(also, like in Sweeney Todd, Helena Bonham Carter and Sacha Baron Cohen were amazing).

“The Prom” is difficult to judge. Ryan Murphy made it so much about the Broadway actors (DeeDee and Barry), that we never really got a chance to know Emma or Alyssa. While I’m not going to judge Jo Ellen Pellman, as I think she did the best with what Ryan Murphy changed, I do wish the movie had stayed true to the stage musical. Ariana DeBose and Jo Ellen Pellman could have done wonders with Alyssa and Emma’s story, but instead, James Corden took front and center once again, and really made Barry feel like the protagonist. 

I didn’t particularly enjoy his performance, and I do wish Brooks Ashmanskas could have reprised his role as Barry in the film.

One of the saving graces of the movie was, obviously, Andrew Rannels as Trent, but I won’t talk much about him as he is a Broadway actor.

This movie would have been the perfect opportunity to give unemployed Broadway actors a chance, or perhaps even have the OBC reprise their roles, but unfortunately, and quite ironically, the film went from being all about Emma and Alyssa (as it should have been), to making the focus the two Broadway Actors who were literally called narcissists at the beginning of the film.

i’m sorry i have strong feelings about “The Prom”

Then they can be just plain awful:

“Cats” is an obvious thumbs-down for the way it was done. That is a show where almost all the actors should have a strong Broadway background. While some of the major stars had entertaining performances (Jason Derulo, for one, was actually quite a wonderful Tugger in my opinion, and I did love Les Twins as Plato and Socrates), all the others fell flat when compared to Robbie, Steven, and Francesca.(Laurie is the exception. His Misto did end up becoming very endearing). Had they made most of the major cats Broadway actors, I think the movie could have been much more enjoyable, and much more respected, since they wouldn’t have particular cast members making fun of it.

So yes, musical-to-movie adaptations can be done correctly and still feature movie stars, but they can also be done horribly. 

I definitely think it depends on who the actors are, and who the directors are, because that will absolutely play into it.

in conclusion, Tom Hooper should never be allowed to touch another musical again and James Corden should stop being cast in musical-to-film adaptations

[luminouslumity]

THOUGHTS ON: THE PROM

So, I finally saw the film, and long story short, I genuinely really liked it. The actors were great, I loved the songs, sets, and especially the choreography, and I even cried a few times (especially during Unruly Heart). I also liked how Barry's story was expanded (I just wish he'd called his mom on his own terms) and that Mrs. Greene came to accept Alyssa on her own rather than some other character prompting her to (not that I had a problem with it in the musical, this is just something that I like to see in general). I also loved the little details, like changing "Now let's go help that..." in the reprise of Changing Lives to "So let's go start a fight!"

THAT BEING SAID, I still had my problems with it. For one, as someone who doesn't mind James Corden, I felt like they should've casted a queer actor to play him. I also felt like the film focused too much on the Broadway stars, which is so ironic that it's almost hilarious, nor did I like that some of the songs were cut short. I still think it's a good movie, but it definitely could've been better.

Actually, instead of focusing on the Broadway gang so much (as delightful as they were), I would've loved it they had taken inspiration from the book (and yes, there's a book; highly recommend!) and had more time devoted to Alyssa instead. Even in the Broadway show, I felt like she was downplayed just a bit (interestingly, the pre-Broadway show gives her a bit more time, such as changing You Happened to a duet between her and Emma), so showing her side of things could've been great.

Overall, the film was fine in my opinion, but if I had to pick a favorite adaptation, I'd say the book since it expands on things alot more (though I am still annoyed it replaced Unruly Heart as Emma's viral video with Dance With You, but that's it). After that, it's the musical, and then the film.

[wigwurq]

WIG REVIEW: THE PROM

You guys. Remember when just last week week I LOLed at my mom when I told her I had finally watched the lesbian holiday movie (The Happiest Season) and she thought I meant The Prom and I told her (and then you, dear readers!) that it would take me forever to hate watch that. WELL I JUST HATE WATCHED THAT. There is a lot to discuss, you guys. ALSO WIGS.

We begin in “New York City” or the CGI hellscape replication of it. Nothing about this movie is authentic except for maybe NY1′s theater reporter, Frank Dilella at the opening of a fake musical called “Eleanor! The Eleanor Roosevelt Musical!” which is meant to be a hilarious joke (it is not) starring Meryl Streep as Eleanor and James Corden as FDR and JOKE IS ON THEM AND US because why are they in this terrible movie and why the hell am I watching it? Oh right: THE WIGS. YOU GUYS THE WIGS. Meryl, who is truly slumming more in this than any other actor in this garbage also has to endure the very worst wig. SHE DID HAVE AN EVEN WORSE WIG IN MARY POPPINS RETURNS. But here this wig is so very much a bad wig that I struggled for a while wondering if this was going to be a wig within the narrative but no. Sadly, it looks like a castoff from some QVC Liza Minnelli wig collection.

AND EVERYONE LOOKS LIKE THEY ARE DRESSED IN A QVC LIZA MINNELLI NON-HALSTON SEQUIN COLLECTION GHOSTMARE (Liza should probably trademark that tho). I HAVE NEVER SEEN SO MANY SEQUINS OUTSIDE OF DAVID GEST’S GUEST HOUSE. Also, after the fake Eleanor musical opens, Meryl and James retire to “Sardis” or the CGI version of it where they discover that their show got (gasp!) bad reviews. EVERYONE LEAVES IMMEDIATELY except Meryl, James, Andrew Rannells who is another actor/bartender and NICOLE KIDMAN.

SHE IS ALSO WEARING SEQUINS AND HAS A BAD WIG. But we are talking about Nicole Kidman, so the chances of her wearing a bad wig are 110%. I couldn’t honestly tell you what her role is in this other than “another Broadway actress”(?) Her wig is likely the same one that Joanna Lumley wore for 10 seasons as Patsy in Absolutely Fabulous which has in the last decade or so been slowly decaying in a crawlspace somewhere only to reappear on the head of Nicole Kidman in the role of “another Broadway actress” in this movie. Anyway, all these washed up randos decide they need to stop acting and start activist-ing and pin all their hopes on a lesbian in Indiana who wanted to go to the prom and got the whole prom shut down due to smallmindedness. They travel to Indiana in a non-equity Godspell touring bus during which time my husband asked me who designs bus seats and truly: that is a question more profound and interesting than anything you will find in this “film.” But I do have many questions! If these actors have all been on Broadway and Meryl’s character has a few Tonys even, why do they need to bus it to Indiana?!?!

Anyway, over in “Indiana” (all places are actually LA or a set or a CGI hellscape), there is a big community meeting or something which is still all about not having a prom, because the only damn thing that matters in this community is THE PROM. The NYC actors show up and turn the meeting into a musical extravaganza with Meryl and her tragic wig center stage. More questions!! As a theater piece, it would make sense for this whole meeting to suddenly become a musical performance complete with spotlight entrances and sparkle curtains because it is already all fantasy. Ryan Murphy has no interest in creating a more realistic presentation in this new medium and just lets that happen here too? Sure - I guess the actors could have just arrived with all stage cues and crews to make this happen (LOLOL NO THEY COULDN’T) and this is honestly exactly why most stage to screen adaptations rarely work (though to be very fair - I had just about as much interest in seeing this on stage as on TV - negative 1000%). All realism, logic, quality, are not at all what this “movie” is aiming for. JUST SEQUINS! CONSTANT GODDAMNED SEQUINS! 

It should be noted that Kerry Washington plays the conservative PTA mom at the center of canceling prom and bitch got away with the very best wig! Also the big spoiler here is that her daughter is the secret lesbian love of the lesbian she is trying to stop from going to the prom! GASP! Kerry also made really terrible career choices this year between this and Little Fires Everywhere which also involves secret lesbians. 

Also those lesbians have a love song that looks like this - aka that one scene in the loathsome La La Land which was itself completely derivative. There are many (many!) derivative scenes in this movie - a later one on a staircase with Nicole Kidman is a clear nod to that one staircase scene in All That Jazz (RIP ANN REINKING!) This was all done intentionally for us theater nerds but also all the movies it ripped off I also hated so? NO THANK YOU THE PROM. ALSO THE MAIN LESBIAN’S GRANDMOTHER IS PLAYED BY MARY KAY PLACE AND I LOVE MARY KAY PLACE FYI. 

Anyway! The NYC actors start their very ill-advised get-back-the-Prom campaign at......CGI monster truck rally wherein Andrew Rannells wears THIS GODDAMNED COAT. Trying to find any logic or realism in this movie is about as foolhardy as being Andrew Rannells wearing this coat and singing a musical theater song at a CGI monster truck rally in “Indiana.” 

Also! Keegan Michael Key is in this (WHO I LOVE ALWAYS) as the liberal principal who is trying to make prom happen. He also is a HUGE MUSICAL THEATER FAN though that doesn’t actually translate to being gay - it translates to him being obsessed with Meryl Streep who is his favorite stage actress. Sure! It all turns into Keegan Michael Key being a love interest with Meryl Streep which I DID NOT SEE COMING but I would love to watch an actual rom com with the two of them and not whatever this is? THEY HAVE A DATE AT AN APPLEBEES YOU GUYS HOW DID THIS HAPPEN.

At said Applebees (or “Applebees” more accurately because I’ve never seen one that sparkles like this), Keegan has a nice ballad which I couldn’t possibly hum for you now where he sings about the escapism of THEATRE and there is a flashback to him seeing Meryl in a musical called “Swallow the Moon” which is a pretty hilarious title and the whole thing looks exactly like another Liza Minnelli fashion show - this time with maybe a circus theme? At any rate, Meryl’s flashback wig is longer and more of a fashion bob but is still very fretful. 

I would like to take this opportunity to say that although I never saw The Prom musical on Broadway, from the pictures I have seen, Beth Leavel’s wig (in the same role as Meryl) is vastly superior in every way, despite the fact that stage wigs are allowed to be different/inferior as they are viewed from further away and not in bitter bitter closeup. 

Meryl looks great in close-up by the way BUT THAT WIG!!! I couldn’t find a good picture of it, but the hair part (if you can call it that?) is a dangerous ravine of mysteries none of which have anything to do with looking like real hair. MERYL HAS MORE OSCARS THAN ANYONE HOW WAS SHE GIVEN THIS WIG?! HOW!!!!!

Anyway, back to the “plot” of this movie, the PTA somehow agree to having a prom and all the kids go around prom-posaling (which is an awful horrible thing that I’m glad I was never part of) and which truly begs the question: if the kids hadn’t prom-posaled (UGH) to begin with, how did word get out that two lesbians were going and how did this prom get derailed in the first place? WHY AM I ASKING ABOUT PLOT HOLES WHEN THIS ENTIRE THING IS A PLOT HOLE?!?!?! So they have the prom, but it’s all an elaborate and cruel ruse and the real prom is at some hotel and the fake prom only for this one sad lesbian is a really depressing affair in the school gym (THIS PART OF THE MOVIE IS LEGIT HORRIBLE AND SAD). So Nicole Kidman, in the very important role of “another Broadway actress” that definitely needed to exist, decides to tell her to just “razzle dazzle ‘em” (WHICH ABSOLUTELY MEANS NOTHING IN THIS CONTEXT) in a very Fosse inspired (AND INCREDIBLY NIGHTMARE INDUCING) and also very confusing number. Also Andrew Rannells convinces a bunch of teenagers in a mall to like gay people! Mazel!

ALSO TRACEY ULLMAN IS IN THIS MOVIE AND NO ONE TOLD ME AND SHE HAS AN AWFUL WIG! So ok - James Corden, who I normally adore, plays a gay character with an American accent and in conclusion, is very miscast in this role. One of the few things Ryan Murphy has done which I actually liked was the revival of Boys in the Band (the play - I have yet to watch the movie!) And the entire cast was gay men playing gay men. Not sure why he then cast James Corden in this role because it’s not like we’re having a shortage of gay men who can sing? A friend of mine rightly pointed out that this character should have been played by Titus Burgess and VERY YES. Anyway, that’s not what happened and anyway, Tracey Ullman plays his mother who he reconnects with and I’m pretty sure the wig she wears was from her own collection from one of her past sketch shows and though I applaud wig recycling, bitch deserved better.

So yes - all these Broadway actor characters inexplicably are still in Indiana just TRYING TO MAKE THE PROM HAPPEN and Meryl, who somehow has both a celebrity ex husband and a Hamptons house (AGAIN WHY DID SHE TAKE A BUS TO INDIANA) uses both to get the main lesbian a forum on TV but she doesn’t take it and instead makes a singer-songwriter YouTube video which everyone on earth simultaneously watched!!! We are supposed to believe that this random video got 8 million views and she decides to use that leverage to make her own inclusive prom. This is a very lovely idea but again: not based in reality so Keegan is all: girl we need $$ to have a prom and somehow she doesn’t immediately make a go-fund me from all those YouTube views she got and instead all these actors throw down their credit cards to fund The Prom which is really horrifying knowing about real events which will totally make all those actors very unemployed (#2020) and YES I KNOW THIS MOVIE IS THE OPPOSITE OF REALITY BUT STILL.

In the end, ALL OF LIZA MINNELLI’S NON-HALSTON SEQUIN COLLECTION QVC FASHIONS get their own damn prom and even Kerry Washington shows up in the most outrageous sequined number after her daughter finally comes out to her and everyone dances it out and life is reaffirmed and Meryl’s wig IS STILL A PILE OF GARBAGE AS IS THIS MOVIE.

VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ

[rhetorical-ink]

Rhetorical Ink Reviews: Cats 2019

Also known as, “The Movie That Nearly Broke Me.”

**PURRRRFECTLY PLACED SPOILERS BELOW**

Okay, so my best friend and I saw this film today on New Year’s Eve -- it was $5 movie day at the theater and we had heard it was bad. What a better way to cap off this year and decade, right?

To set the scene, the woman at the ticket counter commented, “I haven’t seen it, but I’ve heard mixed reviews.” Another employee said, as we were about to walk in the theater, “I heard it was pretty bad.” Votes of confidence all around, y’all. 

Little did I know what was about to happen. I could easily do a Top Twenty WTF moments of this movie....which is exactly what I’m going to do.

My Top TWENTY (because it’s needed) Thoughts on Cats the Movie: 

20. Meeting Victoria

The movie starts with a cat being dumped in an alley -- this is Victoria, a humanoid (more on that below) cat that is reluctantly approached by the rest of the alley cats. They question whether she will fit in as a “Jellicle Cat,” and we get an instant music number where they describe all of the traits of a Jellicle Cat, which we can assume is their “Group” or “Tribe.” The only point that is slightly odd is that their “traits” that define a Jellicle Cat...are basically traits of all cats. Is this group just unaware? Is this a cult? More. On. This. Be-Low.

19. Munkustrap 

So, my favorite cat in this whole thing is Munkustrap -- or rather, the actor playing Munkustrap. Seriously, this man is giving 10000% and after researching, you find out he is a Tony-nominated ballet dancer --- IT MAKES SENSE. If you can get a chance to watch this -- watch his movement and facial expressions in every scene. The man is clawing up the scenery and his intensity is terrifying. 

18. And Then...There’s Rebel Wilson.

Okay, speaking of terrifying. About 10 minutes into the movie, we’re introduced to Rebel Wilson. If you’ve watched the trailers and seen her -- those are the TAME scenes. Seriously, my friend and I were questioning whether this film was okay or bad, and then...Rebel Wilson is introduced. 

Her musical number made me say out loud, “WTF” about seven times. There is nothing I can do to prepare you for animated mice with children faces or cockroaches with female faces who are being eaten alive by a furry Rebel Wilson. If people walked out at this point, I would not have blamed them 1%. 

17. James Corden and Rebel Wilson Don’t Fit In This Movie.

In all fairness, much of the cast are ballet or dancers and Broadway voices -- which is great for a musical. James Corden and Rebel Wilson completely throw off the tone of the film. Their jokes are not humorous, and both characters rely on self-deprecation...their scenes are probably among the strangest in the film, and completely ruin the tone of the film as it goes.

16. Jason Derulo Had His Genitals Digitally Removed. 

So, I read a headline last week with that information leaked, and that clung to my mind the entire time Derulo sings as his character, Rum Tug Tugger...to be fair, he is a great voice and his song was catchy. But... once you know, you won’t get that image out of your mind as you watch. 

15. The Twins are Creepy...and Boring.

Victoria stumbles upon two twin calico cats that mischievously rummage around a house -- before stirring up the house dog and abandoning Victoria. Their song isn’t bad -- it’s almost catchy -- but the scene goes on sooooo long, that it’s probably the only music number that drags and just feels overly long. 

14. Proportions are....not a thing?

One thing you may notice in the gifs are that proportions for these cats are odd -- in the scene with the twins, Victoria holds up a gown, and it’s as big as her, but in the next shot, she is wearing a human ring as a bracelet. 

This happens throughout the movie, as the proportions are never proper. Sometimes the cats seem normal sized in comparison to the man-made props around them. And at other times, they seem the same size as humans or the size of the creepy human-faced mice. The inconsistency is instantly noticeable. 

13. Victoria doesn’t...talk...much.

I’m not sure if this is addressed in the actual Broadway production, but in the movie, Victoria rarely speaks. Perhaps she is just a voice for the audience, but most of her action in the movie is through expression and dancing alone. Which is fine, I suppose, but as a protagonist, her lack of voice creates a lack of agency, and so when she is integral to the plot of Grisabella (Jennifer Hudson’s character), it seems a little forced.

By this point, I’m sure I seem like this review is pretty tame...well, now let’s dive into the bonkers points that happen from here on out in this film, because it gets BONKERS. 

12. Judy Dench and those Toenails

As you have probably noticed in the trailer, these cats have very humanoid features -- what you probably miss is that their hands and feet are UNEDITED. Meaning, that while you’re looking at a digital cat on screen, these digital cats have HUMAN hands and feet. At one point, Judy Dench’s purple toenail polish is present -- Jennifer Hudson’s perfect plum manicure is noticeable, too -- and Judy’s wedding ring is visible in most shots. 

It really makes me question how in the WORLD these shots got into a final product -- or why they released this film if it wasn’t complete...was there a deadline to make it before the new year? This is SO distracting that it took up a lot of my time watching the film. 

11. Hands, all the human feet and hands...

Additionally, these are very humanoid cats -- I understand that the Musical on Broadway is just people in cat suits, but if you’re going to the extreme of creating entirely CGI characters --- why not make them literal cats? Instead of these weird alien-like creatures who sometimes wear clothing and sometimes are nude well, basically with a thin layer of fur on them? 

10. Ian McClellan

Similar to Munkustrap, Sir -- SIR -- Ian McClellan gives his small role 100%, even down to acting VERY cat-like throughout. He can’t sing well, though. Better than Russell Crowe, but no Judy Dench, who also hams up her performance, well, at least until the ending. 

9. Taylor Swift and the Musical Number that Actually Works

In all honesty, Taylor Swift’s musical number introducing the villain of the piece, whom we’ve seen throughout the entire production, so I’m not sure why we’re doing this, but here we are --

--ahem, anyway, her musical number is one of the best, but it’s still a mind trip, as she basically sprinkles catnip on the crew and they all start writhing on screen. 

Also, did they make her breasts larger? Is that a thing? Is it just me? 

8. MaCavity and Things I Can’t Unsee

Idris Elba plays the villainous MaCavity, who has been trying to one-by-one pick off the cats that could qualify as “chosen” by Judy Dench. His role is a basically hammy one, but it gets worse...

At the start of the movie, he has a cap and trench coat that make him look extra villainous, but as he’s revealed by Swift’s cat, he ditches these garments. 

It was hard to find a gif of this, but it’s basically a naked Idris Elba with a tail...and if you’re thinking to yourself, “Oh, that sounds hot!” No, no it is not. It was disturbing and I won’t ever be able to watch this actor without seeing him with a thin layer of fur all over him. 

7. The Magical Mr. Mistoffelees...

As you’ve probably noticed at this point, the “Plot” if it can be called that is practically non-existent in this movie. The only elements of action we get are that Macavity is trying to kidnap the other cats so he can be chosen by Judy Dench’s cat, Deuteronomy. 

Unfortunately, Dench vows not to choose him, so he kidnaps her...to...change...her mind? It doesn’t make sense, and he even threatens her life if she doesn’t pick him. If he kills her, how will that help him get picked? 

In any case, Mr. Mistoffelees, who has THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE MOVIE told everyone that he’s a “magical” cat and can do magic, is suddenly asked if he can bring Deuteronomy back through magic....and he’s NOT SURE IF HE IS CONFIDENT ENOUGH TO DO SO.

It’s such a cop out and leads to an overly long song about everyone telling him he can do magic, until he finally does the thing and brings Judy Dench back to the other Jellicle Cats. 

I don’t mind Mr. Mistoffelees’s character, but don’t tell us you’re one thing the entire movie and then “puss out” (pun absolutely intended at this point) on the very identity feature you’ve drilled into our brains. 

6. Suspension of Belief...and Physics...

In addition to the proportions being off in this entire movie, so is the suspension of physics and belief, especially after Mr. Mistoffelees brings back Deuteronomy.

You can see in the gif below that magic starts happening everywhere to celebrate (glad we’re confident of our abilities NOW) and later with Grisabella and the climax, there’s a huge shift from reality to fantasy. Movie, what ARE YOU?! 

5. Grisabella’s Plight? 

Jennifer Hudson’s cat, Grisabella, is portrayed as an outcast who comes crawling (literally) back to the Jellicle Cats...it’s not clear whether she is wanting the chance to be chosen or not. But the other cats hate her and shun her...except the newbie, Victoria. She convinces Grisabella to come back and sing to the other cats her story. Which she does, and this changes everyone’s mind, including Deuteronomy’s. 

My issue is...what did Grisabella do? Other than run off with Macavity, who never even addresses her in the movie, what did she do? Why do the cats hate her? We never really learn this, which makes it just seem like hollow bullying. And maybe that’s it, but if it is, there needed to be SOMETHING more to give us a reason to care about Grisabella and her plight in the film. 

4. “MEMMMMMORRRRIIIIEEEESSSS!!”

Okay, yes, J. Hud. can sing. REALLY, really well. And the climax of “Memories” is done well -- it’s just....not as good as Elaine Page. There. I said it -- I’ve only seen that number from the original Broadway show, but it’s true. Page knocks it out of the park. 

I think part of the problem is that the movie doesn’t let Hudson go all out -- she does that dramatic musical moment, but then her voice and the song is restrained and just peters off...you don’t hold Jennifer Hudson back in a solo, ya here?

3. Trading a Tire for a Hot Air Balloon

In the original musical, Grisabella is chosen to be reborn and rides away from the set on a tire -- which begs the question: Is this a representation that she was run over? Is that how she is “reborn?” It would be an interesting concept to think about, but here, they just fix up the chandelier (through magic, or whatever at this point) and it becomes a hot air balloon that carries her away. Any possible conversation that could be created in this moment is sacrificed for a magical deus ex machina...and I hate it.

2. Judy Dench Came For Our Souls, Y’All

The resolution of this film is what killed my brain. 

Judy Dench looks DIRECTLY into the camera,

DIRECTLY into our souls,

and proceeds to give a lengthy and unnecessary review of why cat names are important -- which really has been the thesis of this movie, hasn’t it?

There is an interjected chorus between her speaking, but seriously, this ending is longer than Return of the King -- and her looking right at us the audience only made me feel more and more uncomfortable -- to the point where I was laughing, and crying, and feeling like a puddle of mush. 

1. My Mouth During This Whole Film...

...Was agape. Seriously, this movie is not just bad; it’s unfinished, confused on its adaptation, and just bonkers. The only things that possibly work are the vocals, with the exception of McClellan, but the lyrics and premises are just so bizarre that good singing can’t save your brain being completely confused as to what it’s watching. 

If you can get a cheap seat, or go to a $5 cinema like I did, you could see this with a group of friends as a joke.

But otherwise, AVOID this. It’s the 2010′s version of The Room. 

Perhaps fun to watch as a cult film when it’s free on streaming later, but not worth the money now, sadly. 

[shadowed-dancer]

Thoughts on the Cats Movie soundtrack

Still haven’t seen the film, but I thought I’d give my opinion based solely on the music of this MUSICAL film, ignoring the CGI and any story beats they may have added (also for context, I’ve seen the staged musical and I actually enjoyed it)

Fun fact, all thoughts were written as I was hearing the songs, so it’s entirely my first, gut based reactions. You are reading it exactly as it popped into my head upon hearing bits of the songs

This ended up being way longer than I thought so it goes under a cut. Enjoy

Overture

I wasn’t going to review the overture but there’s a weird synthesizer and I needed to point it out

Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats

It doesn’t sound right. The pacing at the beginning is off. Once the chorus kicks in it gets better (but it comes later?)

It got weirdly... techno? Idk if that’s the right word

There are a lot of solos especially during the “practical cats, dramatical cats” list. At first I didn’t like it cause I really love when groups of people sing together, but it grew on me

Although Misto (I think) quickly adding in “and magical cats” at the end of the list is really cute. I love my boy

Old Gumbi Cat

The man singing is great (Munkustrap? Idk if they changed it) but I miss Jenny’s preppy and peppy attitude from the musical

Also I miss the 3 girls who used to sing the “Buuuut when the day’s hustle and bustle is done”

There’s a part that I think is the mice singing? Not a fan. I’m scared

I don’t hear any tap shoes, hopefully she does get her tap solo in the movie but from what I’ve heard in reviews, I don’t think she does

I actually like the very end bit. I never liked the musical version where they sing “for she’s a jolly good fellow”. This one flows a bit better and rhymes when she says “thank you my dears”

Rum Tum Tugger 

Dang, this is funky! I actually don’t hate it

Is... is Grizabella the Glamour Cat cut? Or just not on the album? That was actually one of my favourite songs I’m sad it’s gone. I wanted to hear Demeter’s voice

Bustopher Jones 

It isn’t as bad as I’d feared. I was nervous about James Corden, but it’s pretty ok

It’s not my favourite song to begin with so it’s pretty meh. This version is good for what it is

Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer

This is so different and I miss the energy, but I actually don’t hate it. It gives off a very sneaky type of energy and I kind of like it

It’s hard to grasp a tune though

Also, I like Rumpleteazer’s voice. It’s cute

Old Deuteronomy

It’s pretty similar to the original tbh

Someone in the comments on the video said it’s still Munkustrap singing, in which case he’s doing a very good job!

I miss his duet with Tugger though

Also Old Deuteronomy no longer buried 99 wives, but instead lived 99 lives? Ok

Oh jeez I was not expecting her voice to sound like that

Beautiful Ghosts

It’s ... actually kind of nice?

I was worried, but so far I’m not hating a lot of these added “Oscar bait” songs (Never more alone from Les Mis, No one would listen from Phantom, Evermore from Beauty and the Beast)

“No beauty in my memory” is that a parallel to Grizabella’s line “I can smile at the old days, I was beautiful then”

She mentions “memories” a lot. Is she being set as a reflection of Grizabella? (wanting to be wanted and wanting to fit in)

“At least you have something” who is the “you?” Misto? The Jellicle tribe? A plural “you” referring to the world?

I feel like if she is singing this to Misto it will break up the pacing of the film, idk how to explain it. Like this song is nice but it’s slow, maybe that’s ok though cuz it comes right after Old Deuteronomy (the song)

Her voice is very pretty and I almost started tearing up. I was hesitant of them using Victoria as an audience surrogate (someone to have the cats introduce themselves to) but I like it. They seem to have made her an actual character

Oh shoot, epiphany! Is this song meant to replace the first “Memories” that goes before intermission? Because that’s not on the soundtrack. If that’s the case that’s actually smart

Gus

I miss Jellylorum singing about him. That being said, even though he doesn’t really sing, I feel it fits him fine

His Gandalf is showing. For some reason the beginning reminded me of Lord of the Rings where he is singing “the road goes ever on and on”

It’s odd not having Jellylorum sing about him. It’s less sympathetic when he sings about himself

Um, does Gus not perform a play about the Pekes and the Pollicles? I’m... actually ok with that thank you for cutting the run time down

For those curious, the Pekes and the Pollicles was moved in the Broadway revival and US tour to be after Gus’ song. It serves as him reliving his glory days by performing one of his old plays

Skimbleshanks

It’s kept the same fun, lighthearted energy that I loved so much

There are some weird pauses but I’ll let it slide

That weird electric/techno sound is in the background again

They cut it down... a lot. I don’t blame them though, it was a very long song. And the parts they kept are executed amazingly

Was... was that tap dancing? So maybe Jenny really isn’t a tap dancer any more. Dang it

Macavity

It’s no longer a duet... they’re really cutting all the fun duets, eh?

Where is Demeter? Is she ok?

Also Taylor Swift is British

Overall the performance is pretty good

“He’s outwardly respectible. I know he cheats at cards” ok that line used to make sense as a duet cuz it was like Demeter would say one thing and then Bombalurina would come and add to it/contradict it. Now it’s weird to be sung by the same person (at least I THINK that’s Taylor singing both parts)

Wait... is that Macavity saying “the Napoleon of crime”? Why is he present? I know something changed in the timing but does he steal Old Deuteronomy AFTER this song? Cuz that just seems weird. Like “Ok now that you know who I am, let’s go”

The alternative is that he returned after stealing her to taunt the Jellicles which might work? It may not have even been him who said the line though lmao

Mr. Mistofelees

Oh man they did my boy dirty

Why is he so breathy? Is he nervous? You’re supposed to be the greatest magician ever! What did they do to his character?

Also why is he singing about himself? Someone help him

The breaks after the chorus are starting to annoy me. It’s disrupting my jam

“Not long ago this phenomenal cat...” ok I know that technically that is grammatically correct if he gestures to himself, but because the whole song is now first person it just sounds weird

Wow, EVERY duet I cared about it gone. Like, I don’t even ship Tugofelees but I could respect it! And I obviously acknowledge they have SOME sort of relationship in the musical (platonic, one sided admiration, or otherwise) so why cut it? Also I loved Tugger singing this song. I’m just mad.

You know what? Scratch that, it didn’t even need to be Tugger, just SOMEONE sing with him holy corn

Oh ok wow so can Old Deuteronomy just not sing? I thought she was supposed to play Grizabella in the London production, why is her voice so scratchy?

This song in the musical was my favourite because of it’s fun energy and flowing beat. Well the beat doesn’t flow and the energy is gone so good news Skimble you’re my favourite song for this recording so far. Congrats

Ok but Misto singing “as meeeee” as the rest of the cast sings the chorus is actually kind of adorable

Woah woah woah wait someone else is introducing him at the end? Why couldn’t you have helped throughout the entire song?????

The meows... I can’t

Memory

Her words sound slurred? Is that just me? I know the song so I know what she’s supposed to be saying, but if I hadn’t known I wouldn’t understand a lot of it

Her voice is pretty solid aside from that though

I know people were mad Victoria sings with her, but with Beautiful Ghosts as her song, I think it’s thematically appropriate

Ok the climax is well done

Oh wait what? The energy just disappeared. Bring it back!

Off topic but if you want to hear a really good Grizabella, check out Keri Rene Fuller. I got to see her live and I legit cried her climax was amazing she belted it so loud it literally shook me, like I could feel the vibrations in my chest

The Ad-dressing of Cats

Oh no I have to listen to her sing a whole song

It sounds like she’s sing-talking. It worked for Gus, not so much here

Apparently she looks directly into the camera during this scene

Ok she did it before but I noticed it on this lyric. “To treat you as a trusted friend”. Old Deuteronomy used to go up on “trusted friend” but she goes down. It brings the whole energy down

She did it again on “Straudsberg pie”

I know she’s saying “aim” but it sounded like she said “end” which made the last lyric (name) sound like it didn’t rhyme. Oh boy.

To conclude, lots of changes. Not all good, but not all bad either. Some questionable casting and directions, but I’m excited to see it. Hopefully some of my questions are cleared up.

I may make a full review of the film once I've seen it.

[sophieakatz]

Thursday Thoughts: “Cats” Is Not Bad

My dad was in a community theatre production of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Cats years ago. One night, he came home from rehearsal still wearing his makeup – fur, whiskers, the whole shebang, all created with face paint. He quietly entered the house, and my siblings and I watched as he crept around the edge of the room, his eyes wide and his head tilted to the side in a feline sort of way. I was entranced. While of course I knew it was Dad, in that moment, he was a cat.

And then he looked me in the eye, and said “MEW!” in a goofy, high-pitched voice. We all laughed, the spell broken.

Years before that, my family attended a showing of Cats at a different community theatre. During intermission, while the audience milled about the theatre, several of the ensemble cast remained onstage – as cats. They sat at the edge of the stage and stared at us, still and silent and unblinking. They crawled up the aisles, brushing up against people’s legs. One came right up to my brother, who was holding his program out lazily, and WHACKED the paper with a paw, startling him. Another even jumped up onto my dad’s lap and lay there, purring, while my siblings and I gleefully pet the “kitty.”

For me, this is the magic of Cats. It taps right into the suspension of disbelief at the heart of all theatre. Cats allows you to forget for a couple hours that the people before you are human. For the duration of the show, they are cats. Cats who sing, dance, and wear ballet shoes, yes, but cats nonetheless.

My biggest issue with the 2019 movie adaptation of Cats is that it does not allow the viewer to forget that the performers are human.

I mean, they have human toes, for crying out loud! Human toes! And human hands, and faces! My eyes kept snapping to these details, latching onto them instead of the beautiful music. The wonderful makeup that transformed my father into Old Deuteronomy is nowhere to be found.

At the same time, all these not-cats have CGI ears and tails, twitching and twisting in uncanny ways that don’t go at all with the otherwise-human body. It’s as though the filmmakers couldn’t decide whether to go for realism or fantasy and ended up stuck somewhere in the middle, trying to do two things at once with a discomforting result.

This uncomfortable “two things at once” feeling permeates the film.

The film doesn’t seem to have a firm stance on what size objects are in this cat-run world. In stage productions of this show, the stage is covered with larger-than-life pizza boxes and boots to establish that the characters are actually cat-sized. But in the film, Mr. Mistoffelees in quick succession picks up a slightly larger-than-life hand of playing cards, a much larger-than-life red die, a pencil that is pretty much normal-sized, and a fork that is larger than the pencil but somehow not as large as the die. It’s like the film is trying to show a world in which cats are cat-sized in one moment and human-sized the next – two things at once – resulting in confusion.

And then there’s the matter of the cats’ clothing. Some of the cats wear clothes while others do not. This is, of course, a carry-over from the stage version, in which some cats wear fur-patterned leotards, while others have clothing items which symbolize the kind of fur the cat has. However, the film takes some bizarre twists on cat-clothing.

For example, in the stage production, Jennyanydots begins her number in a shabby coat which she later drops to reveal a fun, frilly, colorful layer of fur. In the film, we meet Rebel Wilson’s Jennyanydots as a cat with realistic orange-and-white fur – which she suddenly unzips down her front mid-number to show that she is wearing clothing on her real body underneath.

The film is trying to have it both ways – Jennyanydots is a real cat with real fur, but also a fake cat with fake fur, and more questions are raised than answered.

Bustopher Jones has always been a cat in a top hat and tuxedo, evocative of a cat with tuxedo-pattern fur. James Corden as Bustopher Jones starts out in a top hat and tuxedo. Then he takes off the tuxedo to reveal tuxedo-pattern fur.

Once again, the film is trying to do two things at once – clothing to emulate cat fur, and cat fur to emulate clothing. The result, however, is leaving the viewer with the impression that a grown man has just stripped naked in front of them in a PG-rated movie.

If you put animated animals in clothing, then the animals can become naked. Disney’s Zootopia recognized this to hilarious effect, but Cats does not seem to.

Idris Elba as Macavity looks excellent in his beat-up hat and coat, which give the theatrical impression of a creepy scarred-up cat. But this illusion is abruptly discarded when Elba, too, strips down naked. I ended up watching that scene through my fingers, as I had put my hands over my eyes.

It struck me early in the film that they could have – should have, even – completely owned the fact that these were cats.

Unlike stage theatre, which depends on practical effects and clever costumes, film presents the unique opportunity to go all the way into fantasy.

They could have completely animated the cats – four-legged and meowing! This would have avoided the nudity problem and rescued all the film’s animals, mice and cockroaches included, from the uncanny valley. Instead of doing two things at once, the film could have done one thing wholeheartedly, the one thing that film can do but theatre cannot.

And this is where 2019’s Cats is excellent: when it takes full advantage of the film medium.

Films are not grounded in a single location or time. The camera can jump-cut to anywhere! This is used to great effect in “Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer,” following the troublesome cats as they jump around the bedroom, dining room, and staircase, sowing chaos. Throughout the film, we move beyond the junkyard and are able to see the alley of trash cans that Bustopher Jones eats from (rather than the clubs themselves as the song implies – hilarious!) and the barge that Growltiger commands. I downright love how “The Ad-Dressing of Cats” is set around the Trafalgar Square lions – an appropriately grandiose setting. And the very best musical sequence in the film is “Skimbleshanks: The Railway Cat,” which transforms Skimble’s tap-dance into the rhythm of a train, seamlessly transitioning the scene from the theatre hall to the train tracks.

Cats as a film also devotes time to character development in a way that the opera-esque stage show never has. Sure, you can research the backstories of all the cats if you want to, but the casual viewer never learns anything beyond what’s said in song. With just a bit of dialogue, Cats transforms Mr. Mistofelees from a cocky deus ex machina to an endearingly clumsy magician who finally, on this night, gets his first big break.

Another transformed character is Victoria. While originally a dancing role with no solo singing part, Victoria is reimagined as a newcomer to the Jellicle Ball, there to ask questions and be sung to. She is, in other words, the audience surrogate, a necessary figure in film. While Cats the stage musical addresses the audience directly throughout the show, fourth-wall breaks are something that a stage show can get away with more often than a film can.

A critique I’ve heard repeatedly about the film is how Judi Dench suddenly sings directly to the camera in the final number. For me, this was not a detriment. “The Ad-Dressing of Cats” is and has always been a song sung directly to the audience!

However, I can see why someone who was expecting a traditional film would be bothered by this. The film put a lot of effort into removing the other fourth-wall breaks by having the songs originally sung to the audience be sung to Victoria instead, so the sudden return to a device that works better on stage than in film is a bit jarring as, once again, Cats tries to do two things at once – to be both a film and a stage show.

I’ve been a fan of this musical for a long time. But given how many people were vehemently calling this a bad film, I didn’t expect to enjoy it.

But I did enjoy it. I enjoyed Cats.

The music is just as entertaining as ever. The singing and dancing is just as good as you would expect it to be given how much star power they packed into the cast. What’s more, watching this movie made me think of all the great experiences I had with the stage production, watching my father from the wings as he sang “The Moments of Happiness” and having staring contests with the still-in-character performers as a child.

When I critique a creative work, I think less about terms like “good” and “bad” than I think about the effect the work had on me. As I made clear in the first half of this review, a lot of the design choices in this film made me uncomfortable and took me out of the magic. At the same time, a lot of this film felt like coming home.

Cats is a weird and beautiful musical. It’s about cats who sing, dance, and address the audience directly. None of these qualities are inherently bad – far from it! Together they create one of the longest-running shows ever on Broadway.

Could the film have been better? Yes, I believe so. If it completely owned the fact that it is a film about talking cats, and if it focused more on doing one thing well than it tried to do two things at once, then Cats could have been an excellent film.

But Cats is not bad. It really isn’t. And this is this, and that is that, and that’s how you address a cat.

[isolationstreet]

I would like to hear your thoughts about it after watching it four times in a day

wellllllll, i do like the movie which is not something that normally happens with movie adaptions of stage shows but also its an incredibly mixed bag and my feelings are all over the place once you start looking at individual elements. since i cant really come up with a really structured well thought out format im just going to just make some bullet points of a few disjointed thoughts that are at the forefront of my mind under a read more bc i have a feeling its going to get pretty long pretty quick

Jellicle songs and Skimbleshanks were absolutely perfect! the both are gorgeous and fit the tone of cats beautify. in some ways i think the might have actually improved upon the stage version. ie Steven McRae’s tap dancing and in the case of Jellicle songs i love them actually breaking up how they listing of different types of cats to better show off each cats personality like demeter being pragmatical, cass being skeptical, pedantical and political l, jerrie and teazer being parisitical, mistoffelees being romantical and magical etc etc

immediately on the flipside i hate how the jellicle ball is so much more in unison so you lose all of the character developing lines  

i dont understand at all why they cut so much of naming of cats it really messes with the flow of the poem and i really miss the listing of the second names

naming of cats is shot beautifully though and i dont actually mind that they changed victoria’s solo to a pas de deux with munkstrap 

i hate the way laurie stumbles his way through invitation to the jellicle ball with every fiber of my being  

rebelanydots is awful and i hate that i get ticked eveytime into thinking it wont be that bad since robbie starts it off so wonderfully but its always terrible. i dont actually mind the mice and roaches with human faces i just hate rebel wilson through out the entirety of this movie 

i really like jason derulo as tugger and anything i dislike about tugger in the movie isnt his fault bc i just feel like you miss out on a huge chunk of tugger actually being a really loving not self absorbed character  by cutting his part in old deuteronomy and him singing mr mistoffelees

i hate james corden as bustopher jones so much 

im one of the few people who actually enjoy the fact that they went with the original london version of mungojerrie and rumpleteazer it fits the darker tone of their characters in the movie and the jazz sound links them musically much more with macavity than the upbeat broadway version of the song  

i dont understand why the included growltiger in the movie bc no ones happy with it bc for people who enjoy the growltiger is be its a meta play thats a grand travesty of opera that requires both a tremendous amount of perfect comedic timing and singing ability and when it works it really works which the movie had neither and like obviously you cant do all of growltiger in the movie bc its an incredibly racist relic so like why even include any of it at all (tho i did kind of like the orchestration of it and how into it the actress playing griddlebone was tbh) 

 andy’s choreography just feels kinda bland throughout most of this movie. i cant really place my finger on why and i really miss his 2016 revival choreography

the jellicle ball feels so claustrophobic and the colors are desaturated which i dont really think is the right choice for how grand how climactic a moment the ball is for the story   

the pacing of the ball also feels really weird with the increased tempo, no orgy, tugger jumping in and dancing to a jazzy hiphop ish rendition of grizabella’s rejection  is quite off putting 

i love victoria’s dance solo at the ball though and i swear robbie might as well play mistoffelees over laurie bc he has some damn fine conjuring turns 

beautiful ghosts is boring like i already didnt like memory we dont need more songs that arent about cats being cats 

ian is a great gus!!! and the bits with him and mistoffelees are the only part of the movie that i actually really like laurie in the role 

demeter and bombalurina both got so screwed over and no mater how strong a singer they could have gotten i think macaity can only ever work as a duet since it you really pay attention its so mocking of him demeter sets him up so bombalurina can knock him down with each line in the original show and its the two wonderful women taking the power back from him where as in the movie we just get taylor swift being all evil is hot like its the toxic avenger musical or something which i dont mind but its still a major downgrade

speaking of missed opportunities mr mistoffelees. of all of the characters in cats mistoffelees is by far the role most centered on the performers ability to dance to the point where its often a silent role just to get the absolute best dancer possible for the part, mistoffelees should be this big show stopping dance number performed with the utmost confidence his three describing words are neat, competitive, and electric hes magical the scene should feel magical instead we just have laurie standing there on stage stammering through each line its pathetic. i dont hate laurie the same way i hate rebel and james i think he cares about cats and is trying his best but hes not a dancer and never should have been cast in this movie 

memory and beautiful ghosts are still boring

 robbies face journeys are delightful and him as munkustrap really was the glue that held the movie together for me everytime i got upset with the movie hes always right there to pull me back on board and i thank him for it

[fizzingwizard]

I finally saw the Cats movie the other day.

After the alarming trailers and the bad reviews after the premiere, I was pretty much desperate to like it. Just to like it, enough, as a Cats fan. I thought, “ok, if the normal people dislike it, that doesn’t mean there aren’t enough nuggets and even pearls to sustain us true fans.” Trust me, I am a fan of X-men comics, I am very very used to doing that. (It’s the entire reason I can stomach the Dark Phoenix movie at all.) So my bar was, I thought, appropriately low.

Oh how wrong I was.

iT’S THE WORST MOVIE I EVER SAW GUYS. And it gives me no small amount of pain to admit that. It marks the first time in my life I considered walking out of the theater, not out of outrage, just boredom. And Cats has never bored me before. So I must rant.

Before I start, though, I have to say I just can’t blame the cast for any of this. It’s the movie direction. As far as I can tell, the actors acted and danced their hearts out truly believing when it was finished this movie would be something resembling a movie. The resemblance is there, but... faint.

1) The CGI. A while back I suggested that once the CGI was finished and polished up, and moreover, when we could watch it continuously and not in stitched-together bits for a haphazard trailer, then the CGI cats wouldn’t look as jarring. For the most part, that was the case for me. But I’m certain it wasn’t the case for everyone. It was freakishly reminiscent of that live action Cat in the Hat movie (and that’s not exactly a compliment).

It didn’t bother me too much, because I thought from the beginning that costumes or CGI, it would be impossible to design human cats who don’t rub a lot of people the wrong way. It was a sacrifice I was okay making because I saw it as an inevitability. But the hairier cats like Old Deut and Gus (ie, the cats whose costumes were more reminiscent of the theater) definitely looked better, though. (Speaking of which, who on EARTH shaved poor Rum Tum Tugger!?)

But aside from the cats. Those rats FREAKED me out. If those had been in the trailer? My hopes would have been dashed much, much earlier. Eek. No. And... the rats came back a second time... and then a third!!! Meanwhile the beetles were just... people in beetle suits. Mr. Hooper, what are you smoking? I need some right now.

Also. Why, WHY don’t the cats have cat noses? That bothered me the whole time!!

2) The choreography. When I saw the cast, way back before even trailers were out, the first thing I thought was “um, do these people secretly have classical dance training and it just isn’t widely known?” Because Cats is basically a variety show. You can’t do Cats without amazing dancing in multiple styles, from ballet to tap to freaking gymnastics.

There were some dancers, including Victoria. I wish I could say more of them. It’s not that they aren’t talented. I’m sure they are. It’s just that, between the choreography being incredibly changed, and then on top of that edited with CGI to “improve” the feline poses and stunts, who knows where the actual dancing is. Not me. We don’t even get one fouette from Mistoffelees. I mean. Come on. Not even in CGI! Why would you do this to Cats. Why. Why.

It’d be one thing if the movie choreography clearly improved Cats the movie, which, after all, wasn’t going to be an exact replica of Cats the musical. Unfortunately, it, uh, doesn’t.

3) The music. I haven’t seen this touched on a lot, but did anyone else notice the music sounded like someone was just playing the soundtrack for the 90s film on a boombox somewhere in the background? It wasn’t crisp. It wasn’t even loud. The electric guitar that makes you shiver when you hear it live? Barely discernible. At the very least, I thought they’d do something interesting with the music, although I guess I should thank my lucky stars that they randomly decided to leave well enough alone in this instance... But it’s a MUSICAL. How do you half-ass the (amazing, by the way!) score in a MUSICAL?!

4) The singing. Yes, this needs its own separate section, because WHY COULDN’T ANYONE SING. Even people who can, in fact, sing!! Jennifer Hudson is GREAT singer. Her “Memory” isn’t terrible, but it is drastically overacted and far from joining my list of favorite “Memory” performances. Taylor Swift’s “Macavity” was fine, I guess. I’d probably be more positive about it if the rest of the movie didn’t suck. James Corden was fine too, “Bustopher Jones” is not exactly a challenging song, but Rebel Wilson’s “Old Gumbie Cat” was breathy, weirdly sexualized, and couldn’t end fast enough for me. I’m not too familiar with Jason Derulo but I am sure he doesn’t sing like an idiot all the time, and neither should Rum Tum Tugger. What was that about?

And no one expected Judi Dench to sing but she sure tried. I admire her for it, but sorry, Mr. Hooper, I don’t agree that Old Deut can get away with a poetry reading version of “The Moments of Happiness.”

“Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer” was pretty good but difficult to understand because all the scene-changing made the lyrics hard to follow (and I know them by heart). “Skimbleshanks” more or less the same. I wouldn’t have complained about these if the movie had been a little better overall.

“Magical Mr. Mistoffelees” is more about the dancing than the singing, but it’s such a climactic number that the way it’s so slow and, er, anticlimactic in this movie is just a huge letdown.

5) The unending fat jokes. I know James Corden and Rebel Wilson are both perfectly comfortable with poking fun at themselves, and do it pretty much all the time. I also know they’re both okay being gross. I suppose people thought the two of them together would be movie magic. Instead, their powers combined to create The Ultimate Apocalyptic Unending Gross Fat People Joke Machine. Some of the jokes were a little funny. They got less funny the more they occurred. And just when you thought they would stop. THEY INCREASED. It’s like I was secretly in a Spongebob Squarepants movie where they obsessively make fun of fat people and their bodies while eating everything in sight. It had a mood of “fat people power!” but a stench of “we couldn’t think of any good jokes so we just did some gross shit!”

6) I hate Munkustrap! This one has no appearance of objectivity, I just can’t stand him. He looks weirder in the CGI than most of them (not his fault, but). I hated his singing voice. And he got to sing way too much for how enjoyable he was. He looked a little stoned, to be frank. Maybe that’s what they were going for. BTW, I absolutely adore Munkustrap in the show. I wasn’t exactly expecting Michael Gruber again, and yet, I sort of was.

7.) Victoria’s original song. Actually. Actually. I liked this song. It was a nice song! I enjoyed listening to it in the credits. (lol?) They clearly spent much more time making it sound nice than they did the actual Cats music. But why... why was there an original song... in a musical that already has more than enough songs? What did it add? I get that it was supposed to explain Victoria’s motivations and show her connection with Grizabella. I just don’t think it was necessary. Because. Because. There’s already an explanatory song in the musical! the little known number... “Memory!” And its variations. As a well as the not insignificant “Glamour Cat” song. Victoria doesn’t have a song. That’s true. Jemima/Sillabub does though. If you’re going you erase the juxtaposition of Jemima and Grizabella and force Victoria into a similar role, why couldn’t she have just sung “Moonlight”? IIRC she did in the end sing the interlude during “Memory” anyway. Then they forced more reprises of the original Victoria song on us, even made Judi Dench sing it. It’s a nice song. WHAT IS IT DOING HERE.

(More in another post because it is late and my complaints are many.)

[wild-aloof-rebel]

y’all asked for a recap of the austin up close and personal shows, so i’m gonna do my best to give that to you. it was pretty similar to the other shows (which already are similar to things you can find in other interviews) so there isn’t a ton of new info here, but here it is anyway. under a cut because it’s gonna be long (and my immense apologies to people on mobile for whom we all know this won’t actually include a cut):

the show begins with the recap clip package from before s5 aired. i was a little sad to see they hadn’t updated it to include any new stuff, but it’s understandable i guess. even though i’d seen it before, did i start crying as soon as it started playing anyway? absolutely. was it amazing to be in a room full of people cheering for david and patrick’s first kiss? fuck yes.

dan and eugene come out on stage first for some father and son shenanigans. eugene jokes that dan is a big longhorns fan, to which dan replies that he doesn’t know what that is. they laugh at both shows about various sections of empty seats, even though the theater is supposed to be sold out. eugene jokes that he came up with the idea for the show while dan makes Dan Faces at him. dan says that they’ve been drinking frosé at the hotel all afternoon. eugene talks briefly about how proud he is of dan, and during one of the two shows you can basically see dan trying to shrink back into his leather jacket and hide--it’s so fucking cute how badly he takes compliments. (also, inserted side note that dan looks incredible, as usual, and i have to commend his commitment to his aesthetic for wearing a leather jacket in 80+ degree weather). and then they introduce the cast--noah, emily, annie, and finally catherine, who for good and obvious reasons gets a standing ovation at both shows.

the discussion starts with eugene and catherine talking about filming waiting for guffman because it was filmed in lockhart, texas, which is part of the austin metro area. they talk about eating a lot of barbecue during filming, and catherine says that that restaurant had a huge mural of like, bloody butchers on the wall, which was of course horribly unappetizing. from there they move into talking about all the couples they’ve played. dan asks if they have a favorite aside from johnny and moira, and they both agree it’s gerry and cookie from best in show. during one show, eugene tells the story of how he and christopher guest came up with the two left feet gag, and catherine jokes that moira’s backstory is similar to cookie’s, in that she has a trail of ex-lovers who consider their time with her to be the best sex of their lives. then they sing “god loves a terrier”

next they move into audition stories from annie, emily, and noah. annie talks about the bad spot she was in before the audition (during which emily cracked up, as is tradition for telling this story)--house burned down, $500 in the bank, blown her first screen test, and considering changing careers--how she read and tested for both alexis and stevie, and how it took 2 1/2 weeks for dan to call her back after her screen test, during which time she of course came to the conclusion she didn’t get either part. and dan when he called, of course was... well, dan, and left her hanging for as long as possible before asking finally asking if she wanted to play his sister. (he defends himself by saying punk’d was popular at the time, and he thought it would be funny.) emily talks about her similarly bad spot before her audition--divorce, no jobs, $800 in the bank--and the rumor that she took her top off during it. dan jumps in to clarify that in reality, she had a great audition and instead of saying thanks and leaving the room at the end, she sat down on the sofa, pulled the collar of her sweatshirt up over her head, and began rocking back and forth saying “that was awful, that was so bad, oh god...” dan also points out that her taking her top off would have done absolutely nothing for him, lmao, which then leads to noah joking that the first thing he did in his audition was take his top off. (I LOVE THEM) dan says noah was “underprepared” for his audition, to which noah argues that he prepared a lot--learned his lines, thought a lot about the character, etc.--but he didn’t watch any of the show, for which dan apparently still holds a grudge against him. he says dan also gives him shit for not having seen paddington 2, and dan reveals the ultimate travesty that noah has also not seen pretty woman.

for the next segment, each actor talks about their character. eugene talks about playing the straight man for once and how that differs from all the other roles he’s played. emily, during the second show, feels the need to clarify what he means by “straight man” since there are other connotations to that phrase, lol. 

there’s a brief moira clip package, and catherine talks about the origins of moira’s voice/pronunciation/vocabulary, dropping into the voice to refer to it as “mementos of her world travels” that she “bestows as a gift on the less travelled and less educated [which has about sixteen syllables in it]” as “an amuse bouche of what it’s like to walk in her givenchy shoes.” she also jokes during the second show that it’s a good thing dan didn’t make her audition to play moira because if she had come in with that voice/inflection, they would have thought she was having a stroke. dan asks her if she has a favorite wig--she doesn’t because it would be like asking her to choose her favorite “bébé”--but she does talk about how much fun it is to wear them in ways they weren’t intended, including as a hat, a look she refers to as her “director’s beret.”

annie talks about the influences of the kardashians, lindsay lohan, and the olsen twins on alexis’s speech and mannerisms. she talks about her vocal fry and how it’s essentially such a “lazy fucking way” of talking, as well as the origin of the alexis hands and how it came from the way they all hold their handbags. (her thought process: what if there was no handbag? and what if i turned my hand over? and what if i added another hand?) she also mentions that someone recently contacted her on instagram very concerned for her health because apparently her wrists being like that could be a symptom of some terrible disease. (she clarified that she doesn’t have any of the other symptoms lol). dan says it looks more like she was in a horrific accident, broke both wrists, and just decided not to get them fixed. annie insists that it’s actually very relaxing and that we should all try it before we fall asleep at night, lol. then there’s a whole conversation about the popularity of “ew david” and all the places it’s popped up--lapel pins, doormats, needlepoint, license plates--and annie says someone pointed out on twitter recently that she only actually says it twice in the show. [that’s actually wrong, she says it three times plus an “ew, no, david,” but the point still stands that she says it far less than people think she does.] dan jokes about how he didn’t realize when they wrote that line that people would someday be yelling “ew” at him when he walks by on the street.

emily talks about her similarities to stevie, starting with how they dress, and how much she loves just getting to sit behind the desk playing sudoku and solitaire all day. she says sometimes directors will be like, what if stevie was dusting in this scene? “why?!” maybe she wants to make coffee. “not that coffee!” and so emily stays happy and comfy behind the desk all the time, calling it the best job she’s ever had, and eugene confirms that hanging out behind the desk is indeed pretty nice.

dan asks noah about what it’s like to play basically the only sane person on the show. he talks about how interacting with the roses is a bit like watching a tv show or a family of aliens--it’s entertaining and you’re always waiting for what reference is gonna pop up next to what celebrity they did what with. he says that the day david walked into ray’s, for patrick it was like “discovering a unicorn.” he also mentions that one of his all-time favorite lines from the show is “it’s a general store, but it’s also a very specific store.”

they cover some fan creations, including the taxidermied rats that dan talked about on james corden, a couple of dogs dressed up like the roses, a planter with eugene’s face drawn on it, a little crocheted david and patrick, and a romance novel cover-style manip of david and stevie “behind the scenes” of the turkey shoot.

they talk a bit about cabaret, which is the only part of s5 that really gets discussed anywhere. noah and emily talk about how difficult the dancing was for the “money” scene (dan jokes that it was particularly difficult for emily since it didn’t consist of sitting behind a desk), how they both watched the video of the professionals doing it and thought it looked easy but that it was not. they talk about dan sending them for vitamin drips, and noah demonstrates a bit of the dance that they had particular trouble getting and that led to the choreographer trying to get emily even to just walk rather than doing the move and she still struggled. (here’s a brief video of that bit.) annie also joins in the discussion to talk about “willkommen” and how the choreographer was always so upset that they weren’t nailing the moves the way he wanted them to (her kick toward the end of the routine gets a special mention there), and they would just use the excuse of “well my character wouldn’t be a great dancer” to cover up for the fact that they couldn’t really do it lol. dan laughs about the fact that he wrote himself out of alla that mess.

dan asks noah to talk about his version of “the best.” noah says he knew how much the song meant to dan (they joke in one show about how dan is the kind of person who would hear the original in a club somewhere and beg everyone around him like “okay, but actually listen to the lyrics...”) and how difficult it was to figure out how to take something that’s so poppy and far from his usual style and transform it into something that would work for him. he talks about how dan finally texted him to ask if he could hear it, and he played it in his bedroom 17 or 18 times before finally sending dan one run of it and then didn’t hear anything back for like 4 hours. he jokes that at that point he basically is assuming he’s been fired. and dan jumps in to say that in reality he’d just been sobbing alone in the dark after listening to it and that you shouldn’t just spring that song on someone when they’re sitting at home alone marathoning downton abbey. noah says that what he thinks makes the scene particularly great on the show, however, is dan’s performance as david reacting to the song. dan then talks about the moment when moira reaches out to touch david’s arm and how that wasn’t scripted but was such a beautiful and important moment of support from a parent for their queer child. eugene then jokes that the scene would have been even more poignant if johnny had been included in it, and they argue over why he couldn’t have been there (he was back at the motel with stevie. eugene: “he could have slipped out for ten minutes.”)

dan asks everyone about their most memorable day on set. emily (along with contributions from noah and annie) talks in both shows about filming the cabaret scenes and how it was so great because it was the last day of shooting for s5 and they were in an actual theater with a whole audience to watch them and so it felt like a real, actual theater performance. they were rehearsing it up until the last possible minute, and they only got three takes at it.

in both shows, they talk about the junebugs from the filming of “surprise party” and dan a) not initially knowing what a junebug actually was and b) having a fear of flying bugs. (per dan, “so does nicole kidman. sue us both.”) they talk about all the takes that were ruined because there were so many flying around and how eventually one flew down dan’s shirt and he freaked out, which leads to eugene doing a reenactment of dan freaking out, complete with “fuck this fucking shit!” (the actual version of which you can of course watch in the s1 bloopers) eugene says he wanted to get t-shirts made that said fuck this fucking shit.

in the first show, eugene brings up the golf scene with johnny and roland and talks about the director yelling at them because they couldn’t stop laughing, take after take (which you can watch in the s3 bloopers). he jokes about how it ultimately didn’t even matter because “it’s my show.”

in the second show, catherine brings up the scene of moira and david trying to sell the allez vous products to everyone and how she couldn’t stop laughing because dan looked “insane” with all his tanner and his [intentionally] bad acting (again, s1 bloopers are your friend).

after all that, they play the multi-season blooper reel (which is great because i do always enjoy watching dan say “i never said i was bright, guys, just really fucking pretty” lmao). during both shows, annie and emily sit on the floor to watch it, which is super cute.

then there’s the audience vs cast trivia game. annie picks five audience members to come on stage and compete against the cast. i don’t remember all the questions dan asked, but between the two shows there was at least what’s alexis’s middle name? what does alexis call the mennonites who they get the peanut butter things from on the way to heather’s farm? what was the gift that patrick gave david on their first date? who was the person moira decided to perform a show about for asbestos fest (and a bonus point for the actual name of the show)? what does twyla put in glasses of champagne? what was moira’s character’s name on sunrise bay? and my personal favorite since i got the acknowledgement from dan for knowing the answer, what was the name of alexis and david’s nanny when they were kids? emily hands out t-shirts to the five audience members who played, and the prize for the audience “winning” is of course noah playing “simply the best” and he jokes beforehand that he’s been working on an acoustic arrangement of “a little bit alexis,” which noah, please, actually do the thing. (here’s a tiny video of him performing.)

the show ends with just a few quick words of thanks from dan. in the first show, he mentions that they’re filming the “sixth and final season,” which uhhhhhhhh does not get the warmest of reactions, which is probably why he doesn’t really mention it in the second show.

aside from the discussion of cabaret, there was very little discussion of s5. i think they’re basically still running the script from the shows they were doing at the start of the season, so i guess that makes sense, but it would have been nice to see a little more talk about it. in one of the shows, dan does briefly bring up annie having done both the song and the choreography for “a little bit alexis” herself, and he says they have more footage of her dancing and that maybe they might release some of it as a treat. and then he kind of realizes what he said and goes, “well i guess now that i said it we actually are gonna have to do it...” so maybe we have that to look forward to?

also since there was no discussion of the engagement in the first show, i submitted a few questions for the second show to try to get them to talk about it (some questions more direct than others), and dan did somehow manage to pick one of mine to read, which was asking noah what it was like having dan carry him up a mountain repeatedly. (i know we’ve heard him talk about it already in some of the bts videos, but like i said, some questions were more direct than others, and that was my indirect way of being like, binch let’s talk about what happened on that mountain lolol.) i actually missed the first several seconds of noah’s response because i was too busy dying about dan reading my question (if someone else who was there wants to fill me in, please do, lmao), but i think he made a joke about dan actually carrying him allllll the way up the mountain, and then more seriously he did specifically say that it was impressive for dan to do it take after take because “i’m not a light man.” he also talked about how they got up there and started filming them looking out at the scenery, and that turkey vulture just swooped so nicely right into the shot and circled back out again and how auspicious that seemed. (there you go, @jcams88, confirmation just for you, straight from noah’s mouth, that that they did not edit in the turkey vulture flying around back there.) unfortunately there was no further discussion of the proposal from there, but hey it’s at least a bit more s5 talk than we would have had if i hadn’t asked lol. all the thanks to dan for picking my question and at least giving us this much.

one other random thing that happens throughout the show and made me laugh a lot is that when annie or noah talks about something dan has said to them, they say it in their best impersonation of dan’s voice, and after they’re done, dan’s immediate response is, “okay, first of all, i don’t sound like that,” in the exact same tone of voice they were impersonating. as a running gag, it was solidly funny every single time. i love them all SO much.

[benisasoftboi]

Cats (2019) Review

Are you ready for my extremely hot and controversial take?

Are you sure? Are you sitting down?

Okay.

It’s not actually that bad.

I know. I was surprised too. 

Look, I’m not defending the character design choices. They’re horrible. They’re abominations. And there are definitely some very bad scenes (the cockroach scene and the end of the train song are the clips I’ve seen passed around the most), and they deserve to be mocked. And it is, without a doubt, uncomfortably horny. And they also sing into the camera a lot, which I disapprove of strongly.

But you know what? That Rotten Tomatoes review that’s like ‘I didn’t hate it’? Same. Hell, there were even one or two moments where I found myself wondering it this was, dare I think it - good, actually? And then it would cut to a close up of Sir Ian McKellen in full cat special effects licking something out of a bowl and... never mind.

But still! Cats, as a musical, is not famous for having the best songs, but I thought here they were pretty well done. I thought everything flowed very well (aside from the infamous cockroach bit), I really liked a lot of the transitions actually, and the scene direction was good. I’ve heard some complained about the choreography being different from the stage version, but I personally think that’s a silly complaint as movie musicals give everyone a lot more space to work with, and they chose to take full advantage of that. It did lead to a lot of scenes being overly busy, which probably would have been less of an issue if it weren’t for the horrible, horrible character design, but I’ve seen worse. I enjoy the kind of fast moving, sleek, and, well, feline movement and dance that Cats uses, it’s pleasing to watch (though at the start the jumping was quite stilted, like watching actors using wires and harnesses - you know, the kind of stilted that’s acceptable on stage, but not in a movie? - almost like they’d filmed the actors doing just that and added fur). 

It does run into an issue that a lot of movie musicals run into, which is that musicals (plays in general, really, but musicals especially) are more often than not designed to be stories told in two parts. This means that about halfway through we reach an emotional climax and conclusion, which at a staged production would be the act break - but in a film, they just have to keep going, which feels weird from a story flow perspective. Luckily, Cats barely has a story, so it doesn’t hurt things too much. That was actually the main problem the people I saw it with had, that the story makes no sense and all the characters are pretty flat - but that’s a Cats problem, not a Cats (2019) problem. 

I want to praise the actors though, because I thought most of them did a good job. I did not like James Corden or Rebel Wilson, but that was because they were basically just playing themselves, which with those two can work in sitcoms or low brow comedy films, but doesn’t at all fit the sort of whimsical, ethereal tone and setting Cats is meant to have. Taylor Swift was also... weird. But I liked everyone else - personal standouts for me were Laurie Davidson (Mr. Mistoffelees) and Francesca Hayward (Victoria). They’re both pretty new actors, and I really hope the response to this doesn’t hurt their careers, because I’d like to see more of them. It probably helped that they had some of the least offputting designs of the lot, but I really did just generally enjoy their performances. And I have to commend the choice to use a film newcomer with stage experience (as a dancer) in the lead. Musical adaptations tend to cast really big names, because musicals, as a genre, aren’t super popular - except it doesn’t work because people who don’t like musicals are not going to watch one no matter who’s in it, and people who do like them often find this practice really annoying and disrespectful to the talented stage actors who helped make the show they loved popular enough to warrant a film version. Obviously Cats does this too, but I like that we got some smaller names as well.

However, the fact remains that the visuals are what they are - which is terrible. And that is what this film will be forever known for. One of the friends I was with asked what the main appeal of the stage version of Cats is meant to be, and I said it’s the way it looks, the dancing, the aesthetic. Which made him laugh a lot, considering what we’d just sat through. 

If they’d either A) Done this as a fully animated film with stylised literal cats or B) Just used the stage costumes, this movie would have been fine - not perfect, but fine. Maybe even good! Would have been watched by the theatre crowd and gently squabbled about while the rest of the world quietly ignored it. Instead, this mess happened.

Then again, I’ve never been a huge Cats fan, so I don’t think I’d have bothered going to see it if it hadn’t become infamous as it is. Take that as you will

[marredbyoverlength]

Year-End Awards 2019

2019 was very good for movies.  Or, rather, November and December of 2019 were very good for movies.  I could speculate about why that is (Awards season? Disney? Moloch?), but I don’t really know.  What I do know is that the Oscars are tomorrow, so I better get this post up today.

Honorable mentions in no particular order.  Strap in, chumps.

Best Lead Performance: Adam Sandler, Uncut Gems

Sometimes it feels like Adam Sandler is cheating, lowering our expectations with awful performances in even-more-awful films so that his dramatic turns look better by comparison.  But whether or not we grade him on a curve, this performance is the best of the year.  

Sandler’s character, Howard Ratner, is ridiculous.  In fact, much of the movie is ridiculous.  But Sandler makes this absurd person human, and in doing so, makes the whole movie work.  He commits hard to the role, and even though every scene is a little more unbelievable than the last, I never for a moment stopped believing in Howard.  Superb work.

Honorable Mentions: Willem Dafoe, The Lighthouse; Saoirse Ronan, Little Women; Scarlett Johansson, Marriage Story; Adam Driver, Marriage Story; Ana de Armas, Knives Out; Kang-ho Song, Parasite; Jonathan Pryce, The Two Popes.

Best Supporting Performance: The rest of the cast of Uncut Gems

The more I think about it, the more I’m convinced that Uncut Gems is a movie that survives entirely on its acting.  The Safdie brothers themselves have said that the movie wouldn’t work without Kevin Garnett nailing the scene where he first holds the black opal.  I’d extend that credit to all the other supporting roles: Idina Menzel as Howard’s wife who no longer even bats an eye at the insanity he brings on himself, Marshall Greenberg (a non-actor) as the fellow jeweler who expresses genuine concern for Howard but still gives him unfavorable terms on a pawn deal, deranged Garment District legend Wayne Diamond as a character just named “High Roller”—every one of these people is essential to the success of the film.  When it comes down to it, Uncut Gems doesn’t make any sense.  It takes a suite of perfect performances to make it feel as real as it does.

Honorable Mentions: Timothée Chalamet, Little Women; Laura Dern, Little Women; Florence Pugh, Little Women; Takayuki Hamatsu, One Cut of the Dead; Daniel Craig, Knives Out; Al Pacino, The Irishman.

The Costner Award for Worst Actor: Rebel Wilson, Cats

When we meet Rebel Wilson (as her fursona “Jennyanydots,” a name I will never utter again), she is showing her butthole to the camera.  The character never gets more likable than that, because they let Rebel Wilson ad-lib numerous “comedic” lines to punch up the script. They’re awful.

Honorable Mention: James Corden, Cats.

 Nicest Surprise: Cold Pursuit

I watch the Liam Neeson stupid action flick with my brother Rob every year. Sometimes we get something legitimately great, like A Walk Among the Tombstones.  Other times we get a movie like The Commuter, which is dumb as rocks.  But this is the first time we got a comedy.  I went in expecting a second-rate Neeson-kills-people thriller, and instead got a solid black comedy.  Apparently it’s nearly a shot-for-shot remake of the Norwegian film In Order of Disappearance, so maybe I should have known better.  But I didn’t, so I was pleasantly surprised.

Hiddenest Gem: One Cut of the Dead

One Cut of the Dead is the best movie of the year that my friends haven’t seen, and it’s a tough movie to talk about because of how fun it is to watch knowing nothing about it.  So I’ll keep it short.  One Cut is a Japanese schlock horror movie with a fun twist that manages to be creepy at first, then funny, then heartwarming.  Two things elevate this above the usual fun-twist movie.  The first is that the surprise unfolds in little pieces over the entire second half of the movie, rather than hitting all at once. The second is that there’s real substance there: under the goofy exterior there’s a charming family story that’s worth coming back for.

 Most Insulting Moment: We Hate Sensory Deprivation, Angel Has Fallen

I haven’t seen the other films in the Blank Has Fallen franchise, nor did I need to do so to understand its third installment.  It’s exactly the kind of institution-worshipping great-men-of-history support-our-troops action bullshit you’d expect.  But after the credits, there’s a totally inexplicable scene where Gerard Butler and his dad Nick Nolte agree to get treatment for their (implied) PTSD.  Instead of leaving it as just a nice moment of healing, it cuts to a comedy scene where they go to a two-person sensory-deprivation tank and float around in the dark complaining about it.  The general gist of the scene is “sensory deprivation is dumb and gay.”  I’m not a sense-dep guy, but it’s used here as a stand-in for all the forms of “modernity” that reactionary filmmakers hate: you know, like mental health treatment, or trying new things, or expressing any sincere vulnerability even for a moment.  Why not just show them affectionately kissing guns and save some production cost?

Honorable Mentions:  The trailer for A Dog’s Way Home; The narration in Ad Astra.

 Winter’s Tale Memorial “What the Hell Am I Watching” Award: Cats

At long last, a film that unites the unholy trinity of ambition, incompetence, and derangement to form a true “What the Hell Am I Watching” award-winner.  The premise of Cats, in short, is that the cats of London meet every year to perform a ritual sacrifice of one of their number, believing that the chosen cat will, after their death, be reincarnated…as another London cat.  And they determine the sacrifice by holding a talent show.  And one of the cats is a warlock.  So we’re off to a good start.

I was fortunate enough to see the original version.  You see, the film is almost entirely CGI, so much so that viewing it feels like living inside a haunted kaleidoscope.  Even the actors, through “digital fur technology,” are turned into cats which are anthropomorphized to greater or lesser degrees. The warlock cat, for example, has cat abs.  But shortly after theatrical release, director Tom Hooper realized that the film contained major visual effects oversights, including failing to CGI several of the actors’ hands, meaning that Judi Dench and Ian McKellen appeared to have human arms on cat bodies.  These are only some of the crimes of the film Cats.  A full reading of the litany would take all day.

Honorable Mentions: A Dog’s Journey; Gemini Man.

Prettiest Movie: 1917

I’d be remiss not to talk about the cinematic achievement of 1917.  The all-in-one-take thing, or the appearance thereof, is kind of a used gimmick at this point.  (Birdman, after all, used it and won Best Picture.)  I went into 1917 expecting a cheap knockoff. Instead I was blown away.  Every detail was perfect, down to the mud stains on the extras’ overcoats, the stacking of sandbags in the real dug-out trenches, the bloating of the bodies clogging the waterways.  One especially memorable scene follows our hero (George MacKay) sprinting through a ruined city by night, intermittently lit by mortar fire, dodging gunfire all the way.  Maybe “pretty” isn’t the right word, but no film this year used the visual medium as well as 1917.

Honorable Mentions: Parasite, Once Upon A Time…in Hollywood.

Best Picture: Under the Silver Lake

Yes, I know it’s weird to give Best Picture to a movie that didn’t even get an honorable mention anywhere else.  But this is my blog, dammit, I stand by it.  Under the Silver Lake is a movie about capitalist-media-technology-complex-inspired brain poisoning.  It stayed on my mind for weeks after seeing it, and I eventually gave it a second watch. It held up.  

Criticisms of the film abound, like how male-gazey a lot of the portrayals of women are, but I think the parts that some reviewers identify as flaws are intentional and important features of the movie.  We see the film through the eyes of our main character (Andrew Garfield), who is a scumbag, but the film is very clearly not endorsing being a scumbag. It’s about the interplay of personal neuroses and moral failings with the broader perverse clown-reality we all occupy, and the inescapable tinge our perspectives bring to the world we see. The film is, after all, a sort of noir film, and our hero’s attitudes are reflective in some ways of the noir mindset: find the clues, unravel the plot, get the girl.  The incongruity between the stories and attitudes of our past and the demented reality of our future define the film.

I could go on about this for much longer, which is why I’m choosing Silver Lake as the best film of the year.  It’s not notable for its acting or cinematography (though both are solid), but in terms of content, nothing else this year encapsulated my internal and external world quite so well as this.

Honorable mentions: Parasite; 1917; Little Women; The Irishman; One Cut of the Dead; Marriage Story; Uncut Gems.

 That’s it, that’s the post.  I think I’m moving to Letterboxd next year.

[princesspeach5]

a late night themed mafia movie starring seth meyers and amber ruffin as detectives who work together to take down mob boss jimmy kimmel and his lackeys, guillermo rodriguez and sal iacono. when government agent michael kosta goes missing, jenny hagel assigns seth and amber to the case. john lutz tries to get them to leave em alone, but they won’t. fred armisen nods solemnly. they start their investigation at the stephen colbart, where jon baptiste and stay human are performing a toned down version of the late show’s theme and brian stack is a drunken regular. stephen, the bartender, and jon stewart, a man under the bar give them the lead that ultimately helps them figure out jimmy’s plan: to kidnap john oliver, the president. while this unfolds, jimmy mistakes james corden for john (given the accent) and accidentally has guillermo and sal kidnap him instead, which reggie watts witnesses and reports. with the pieces coming together, jenny brings in world famous detective, samantha bee, and seth, amber, and sam must put aside their differences and work together to stop jimmy. (working with seth and amber is also a punishment for sam for breaking too many rules.) government employee trevor noah and the agents working under him, desi lydic, dulcé sloan, jaboukie young-white, ronny chieng, and roy wood jr. are cut to several times as they figure out how to best protect the president, with lewis black slamming his desk and throwing papers. the general tone of the movie is serious, but seth and amber keep making jokes, which annoys sam. amber also breaks the forth wall on occasion, which none of the rest of the cast do. at the climax, sam almost kills jimmy, but her new partners stop her. jimmy is arrested, james is freed, john is safe, and michael is confirmed dead. jimmy fallon works at a baskin-robbins. 

[twodudesandamovie]

Ocean’s 8

This month, Alex won the coin flip to decide the movie, it is Ocean's 8:

Alex: At 1am, Eric said to me that he wanted to watch the movie I chose, Ocean's 8. I vocally doubted his ability to stay awake, being as he was extremely intoxicated, but he insisted he would. At this point, I agreed to watch the movie with him, even saying I would Venmo him $50 if he stayed awake for 110 minutes. He did not, and this is my opinion of Ocean's 8. Immediately, we start with a nice homage to Ocean's 11, and I have a few questions: 1. Who is this girl? 2. Why is she in jail? 3. Apparently everybody else is dead? Besides that old Jewish dude. 4. Why didn't I watch Ocean's 13. Then I get to be confused as to whether Sandra Bullock and Cate Blanchett are gay. I think about this for probably 20 minutes as the film gives me exposition or whatever. I conclude they probably are just flirty. The movie then quickly introduces characters, and I feel a kinship with Helena Bonham Carter, both because she is having a panic attack while eating Nutella from a jar, and that shes secretly emo. Then, I'm stunned as I get to see Rihanna, Minday Khaling, and Awkwafina, three extremely talented women whom I do not deserve to look at. Sarah Paulson is also there, but I do not know her, like the guy that is also hot and Sandra Bullock threatens to shiv. Honestly, he should keep to probably playing soccer or stab him, in my opinion. Sandra Bullock then lays out the heist. The planning portion of the film seems to go rather quick, and I'm frequently surprised by plot points that just happen to work out. How does Sandra Bullock know so much about 3D printing. She was in jail for like 6~ years. 3D printing has grown so much in the past 6 years. It's mentioned in another scene that "Hims get arrested, Hers get ignored" which is a nice sexist way to explain why nobody calls out any of the women for being on the video tapes in the security footage (which we'll go into later). Additionally, Mindy Khaling sets up a jeweler apprasial shop in the baby changing station, which I really want to contest, but she could do it. The movie drones on for about an hour after that as I watch this elite cast of babes steal jewels, and also my heart. Anne Hathaway is there too, doing a superb job as acting as a famous person in the world where she is still a famous person who acts. I think later on she gets money, starts a studio or shoots a low budget movie, and directs herself. Thats a nice tribute to Ocean's 12 where Julia Roberts has to pretend to be Julia Roberts. In the end, this absolutely stunning cast of women manages to steal the thing they wanted to steal, with a lot more things they didn't EXPLAIN they were gonna steal, but you knew they were gonna steal. James Corden makes an enterance at a point, and I think he's just gonna be himself, but then he's an FBI agent who has a rather trivial part in the movie. The entire half hour you could cut honestly. Overall, I didn't think the movie was super good. Not even in a way where it has big plot holes or anything, which it kinda does but thats not important, its just not a good heist movie. I really wanted to get the thrill of the plot twist in Ocean's 11 again, and instead got a group of really talented babes stealing a thing and then giving me an expected plot twist at the end. Also, with so many characters, it's understandable that every character can't have a lengthy amount of screen time to like act and be a character, but if thats the case then why hire like absolutely the most stacked cast of actors, to have them only have a couple lines. I wanted more from all of the characters that were not Sandra Bullock or Cate Blanchett.

Rating: 5/10 and I'd still let every babe in this movie tell me I'm wrong because I love them all.

Eric: Ocean’s 8 attempts to continue the long strand of “Ocean’s” movies which have quite a simple formula: assemble an all-star cast, pull off a thrilling heist, spew out of a few witticisms here and there, be a pop culture staple, and voila you have a blockbuster movie. But Ocean’s 8 made the least money out of the four latest Ocean’s movies, and it would seem the formula is growing a bit tired.

It’s hard to go wrong with such a cast, the acting wasn’t lacking at any point besides Rihanna saying the bare minimum of lines to achieve her character’s goals. The humor wasn’t quite as fun as in the previous Ocean’s, and the quips often fell flat. Due to the unimaginative screenplay, there was no challenges for the actors. Sandra Bullock briefly being a German woman was the only example of these A-listers flexing their acting chops.

One of my biggest pet peeves in movies is eating and talking during a scene, and this screenplay does that in spades. It’s sort of a boring way to have the actors occupied while going through the motions of setting up the plot, and it isn’t necessary. It’s another brutal flaw of Ocean’s 8: when you have the actors, use them. For a cast with such potential, why resort to such cliches?

It also suffers a deadly plot hole: why doesn’t Debbie Ocean have a parole officer? Someone who just got out of jail spending time with other questionable characters isn’t realistic, but of course, it’s a movie. The heist itself made up for a lot of the movie’s shortcomings, but even the heist seemed to lack imagination for the lofty bar Ocean’s 11-13 set. It didn’t seem like anything new: have people hiding in plain site, replace the stolen item with a replica, find a way to sell it, haven’t we seen this all before?

Hollywood seems to be obsessing over taking classic movies and flipping the gender roles lately (see Ghostbusters), which isn’t a bad idea in itself, but if you’re going to do that then you need to have something new to say. What is the point of making this sequel? It’s a question that this installment doesn’t really answer. Of course most sequels are often worse than their originals and fail to answer the reasoning behind making them.

I was mildly entertained but I would’ve liked to see much more from it. It was a movie that fell far short of its potential and I think it finally put the dagger in the Ocean’s series, or at least I hope it did.

Rating: 5.5/10.

[the-desolated-quill]

Quill’s Swill - The Worst Of 2018

Congratulations dear reader. You survived 2018. And you know what that means. It’s time for another best of/worst of list. Welcome to Quill’s Swill 2018. A giant septic tank for the various shit the entertainment industry produced over the course of the year. The films, games, TV shows and various other media that got on my bad side. As always please bear in mind that this is only my subjective opinion (if you happen to like any of the things on this list, good for you. I’m glad someone did) and that obviously I haven’t seen everything 2018 has to offer for one reason or another. In other words, sorry that Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes Of Grindelwald isn’t on here. I’m sure it is as terrible as some have been suggesting. I just never got around to watching it.

Okay everyone. Grab your breathing masks and put on your rubber gloves. Let’s dive into this shit pile.

Hold The Sunset

The news that John Cleese would be returning to the world of BBC sitcoms was incredibly exciting, being a massive Fawlty Towers fan and all. Unfortunately Hold The Sunset was not quite what I had in mind. It’s one of those rare breed of situation comedies that chooses to offer no actual comedy. It’s not a sitcom. It’s a sit. Like Scrubs or The Big Bang Theory.

An elderly couple plan to elope abroad only for Alison Steadman’s son to barge in, having left his wife, and forcing them to put their plans on hold. Hence the title ‘Hold The Sunset.’ It’s like a cross between As Time Goes By and Sorry, but if all the humour and relatability were surgically removed by a deadpan mortician. The characters are weak, the plots are thin on the ground and the humour (hat little of it there is) feel incredibly dated. The middle aged mummy’s boy is something that hasn’t been funny since the 90s. It’s an utter waste of great talent and what hurts even more is that this tripe is actually getting a second series. I can only assume the people watching this are comatose. Either that or there’s an epidemic of people in Britain who have lost the remote.

Avengers: Infinity War

Yes this is one of the worst movies of 2018 and no I don’t regret saying that one little bit. Avengers: Infinity War was fucking terrible. Period. There were too many plots and characters going on, which made the film hard to follow (and what staggers me is that the so called ‘professional’ critics have condemned movies for having too many characters and plots before. Spider-Man 3, The Amazing Spider-Man 2, Batman vs Superman: Dawn Of Justice and even Deadpool 2. But because this is an MCU movie, it gets a free pass. Fuck off). The characterisation was weak due to sheer number of characters they try to juggle, resulting in characters coming off as one dimensional caricatures of themselves and scenes where characters such as Iron Man, Doctor Strange and Star-Lord sound completely interchangeable. The villain, Thanos, is a stupidly and poorly written villain, but that’s hardly surprising considering what a shit job Marvel have done building him up over the course of these 20+ movies. And let’s not forget that pisstake ending. A bunch of prominent Marvel characters die and it’s all very, very sad... except all these characters just so happen to have sequels planned, which makes this ending fucking pointless and have less impact than a feather on a bouncy castle.

I don’t know which is more shocking. That Marvel and Disney think their audience are that stupid and gullible, or that their audience are actually validating their view. Fuck you Disney.

Harry Potter: Hogwarts Mystery

I’ve always wanted a Harry Potter RPG, where you could customise your character, choose your house and actually live a full school life at Hogwarts. This year, Warner Bros and Jam City gave us just that.

That was a mistake.

Harry Potter: Hogwarts Mystery is the epitome of everything that’s wrong with the mobile gaming market right now. The gameplay is boring and involving where you just tap images on a screen until a progress bar fills up. Wizard duels are little more than rock-paper-scissors challenges that require no kind of skill. Bonding with friends and caring for magical creatures just consist of pathetically simple pop quizzes and yet more boring tapping. Oh and of course you only get a certain amount of energy to complete these tedious tasks. If you run out of energy, you wait for it to fill up... or pay up for the privilege. So determined are they to extract your hard earned cash from your wallet, there’s actually a bit where Devil’s Snare strangles your eleven year old avatar and the game effectively tries to guilt trip you into paying micro-transactions to save them. It’s sleazy, gross and manipulative. Honestly, you’re better off just playing Candy Crush.

Agony

When the developers of this game said they wanted to give the player a trip through Hell, they had no idea how true that statement really was. Agony is dreadful on a number of levels. The design for Hell itself, while visually interesting at times, is often not very practical and gets quite dull and repetitive after a while. The stealth mechanics are a joke and the AI of your demonic enemies are pitiful. All of this alone would have been enough to put this game on the list, but then we also have the casual misogyny. Agony is a gorefest trying desperately to shock the player. We see men and woman get tortured, but it’s the women that often get the extreme end. The violence inflicted on them is often sexual in nature and the game seems to go out of its way to degrade and dehumanise women at every turn. The orgasmic cries of ‘pull it out’ quickly become a staple of the game’s experience as we see naked women raped, tortured and murdered, all for the purposes of ‘entertainment.’

I would call Agony sexist, but honestly that would be giving it too much credit. Agony is like a little child trying desperately to be all dark and edgy in a pathetic attempt to impress everyone around him, and we should treat it as such. Go to your room Agony. No ice cream for you.

Peter Rabbit

If you listen closely, you can hear the sound of Beatrix Potter rotating in her grave.

Yes we have yet another live action/CGI hybrid, but instead of something innocuous like the Smurfs or Alvin and the Chipmunks, Sony instead decides to adapt Peter Rabbit, with James Corden in the title role.

It’s about as bad as you’d expect.

Their attempts to modernise the story are painful to say the least with pop culture references, inappropriate adult humour and twerking rabbits. Plus rather than the gentle, but slightly mischievous character we got in the source material, here Peter is a sociopathic delinquent who seems to revel in making the farmer’s life a living hell. He’s unlikable and unwatchable as far as I’m concerned and the film doesn’t in anyway earn the emotional moments it tries so desperately to sell to the audience. And the worst part is it’s getting a sequel.

Wait. Do you hear that sound? That’s the sound of Beatrix Potter tearing out of the ground, ready to kill whatever idiot came up with this shit.

Fallout 76

I was excited for Fallout 76. A MMORPG where players band together to rebuild society after a nuclear apocalypse. Could have been great. Pity it wasn’t.

Fallout 76 is a dreadful game. Not only is it a buggy, glitchy mess that requires a constant online connection to play, which could result in you losing hours of progress if your WiFi went down, it’s also unbelievably tedious, and that’s because there’s nothing to do in the game. There’s no other characters to interact with, the various robots and computers you come across are really little more than quest givers, there’s no actual plot so to speak, and because of the sheer size of the world and the number of players allowed on a server, the chances of you actually meeting any actual players is remote. And let’s not forget all the behind the scenes drama. Bethesda falsely advertising Fallout themed canvas bags and players getting shitty nylon ones. Bethesda accidentally releasing the account information of various players trying to get a refund for said bag. Bethesda failing to program the year 2019 into the game code, meaning that the game’s nukes don’t work.

Maybe there’s a chance that Bethesda could pull a No Man’s Sky and fix everything over the coming years with various patches and DLCs, but the damage has already been done. It’s incredibly disappointing. The Elder Scrolls 6 is going to have be fucking incredible to win everyone back.

Mama Mia!: Here We Go Again

I can’t stand jukebox musicals anyway, but Mamma Mia was always one of the worst. Its boring, meandering story with its one note, obnoxious cast of characters screeching out ABBA songs like they’re at some drunken karaoke session at some poor sod’s hen party has always grated on my nerves. So imagine my delight when they announced we were getting a sequel. Ever wondered how Meryl Streep met her three lovers and founded her hotel? No? Well tough shit, we’re going to tell you anyway.

Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again is basically just Mamma Mia again. The actors still can’t sing, the characters are still annoying and story is still boring and meandering, completely at the mercy of the chosen songs rather than the filmmakers using the songs to compliment the story (you know? Like proper musicals do?).

How can I resist you? Very easily as it turns out. Gimme, gimme, gimme a fucking gun so I can end my misery.

The Cloverfield Paradox

A lot of people were unhappy about the direction Cloverfield was going. They wanted a continuation of the found footage, kaiju movie from 2008, not an anthology series. I was personally all in favour. Partially because I thought the first Cloverfield was a tad overrated, but mostly because I thought it would be a great opportunity for more experimental film projects and could be a great launchpad for new writers and filmmakers. 10 Cloverfield Lane was a great start. Then The Cloverfield Paradox happened.

The Cloverfield Paradox is basically JJ Abrams trying to have his cake and eat it too. Maintaining the anthology format whilst connecting everything together in a ‘shared universe’ (yes, yet another shared universe). The result was a cliched, poorly edited and idiotic mess of a film that actually took away from the previous two films rather than added to them. Everyone hated it and, as a result, 2018′s Overlord, which was totes going to be part of the Cloververse, was made its own standalone film and Abrams double pinky promised to make a true sequel to the original Cloverfield. A complete and total disaster. No wonder it was a straight-to-Netflix film.

The Handmaid’s Tale - Season 2

This is probably going to be the most controversial entry on the list, but please hear me out because I’m not the only one who has a problem with this season.

I was reluctant to watch The Handmaid’s Tale simply because of how gruesome the original book was, but I forced myself to watch the first season and I thought it was pretty good. It remained faithful to the source material for the most part and included some nice additions that helped to expand the story and mythos. If it was just a one off mini-series, everything would have been fine. But then they made the same mistake as The Man In The High Castle and Under The Dome did where they commissioned another season and attempted to tell a story that goes beyond the book.

There’s a reason why the original story ended where it did. The Handmaid’s Tale isn’t meant to be an empowering story about women sticking it to the patriarchy. It’s a cautionary tale about how fragile our civil rights truly are and how easily they can be taken away from us. It’s designed to shock, not to satisfy. So seeing a handmaid blow herself up in a suicide bombing feels very incongruous and just a little bit silly. It would be like doing a TV adaptation of George Orwell’s 1984 where the first season followed the source material and then the second season turned Winston Smith into this heroic freedom fighter trying to overthrow Big Brother. It would represent a fundamental misunderstanding of what the book was about in the first place.

And then of course there’s the increased level of violence in Season 2, which many have complained about. In Season 1 and the original source material, the violence was justified. In Season 2, the motivation behind the violence has gone from ‘how can we effectively demonstrate how easily a fascist patriarchy can happen in the West?’ to ‘what brutal act can we inflict upon Ofglen to shock the audience this week?’ It’s purely for shock and nothing more. And with the showrunner (who I feel I should mention is a man) announcing that he has planned ten seasons of this, it seems that The Handmaid’s Tale is going to go even further with this depravity until it effectively becomes the equivalent of a Saw film.

The Handmaid’s Tale exists as a way of shining light on and critiquing misogyny in its most extreme form. Season 2 however demonstrates that there is a serious risk of it becoming the very thing it’s criticising in the first place.

The Predator

I love the Predator franchise, but The Predator is the worst.

People thought that this would be good because director Shane Black had actually starred in the first Predator movie back in 1987. Instead we got this bloated, confusing, obnoxious and insulting mess of a film that seems to go out of its way to ruin everything that makes Predator so good. There’s no tension. No suspense. No intrigue. Just a bunch of gore, explosions and shitty one liners from annoying and lifeless characters. They essentially took this big alien game hunter from outer space and turned him into a generic monster from a bad summer blockbuster. It no longer hunts for sport. It wants to take over the world and splice our DNA with theirs. But don’t worry, a rogue Predator doesn’t want to kill humans (even though he himself kills a bunch of humans), so he gives us a Predator Iron Man suit to set up a sequel that will probably never happen because this movie was a box office bomb and it fucking SUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKKEEEEEDDDD!!!

This film also has a very nasty streak towards those with disabilities. There’s a lot of jokes at the expense of a character with Tourette’s and it has an extremely ignorant and patronising view of autism, portraying the main character’s kid as being a super genius who can decipher the Predator language and even going so far as to say that he represents ‘the next stage of human evolution.’ Presumably the Predators want social communication difficulties because apparently it helps them hunt somehow.

What with Disney acquiring 20th Century Fox, the future of both the Alien and Predator franchises were very much in question. This film needed to be a success in order to make a case for Disney to keep making more of them. It wasn’t. Congratulations Shane Black. You might have just killed off this franchise for good. Thanks arsehole! :D

So those were my least favourite stories from 2018. Join me on Wednesday where we shall discuss something more positive. Yes, it’s awards season. Who shall win the coveted Quill Seal Of Approval? Watch this space...

Or don’t. It’s up to you. I don’t want to force you or anything. It’s a free country.