#stupid ancient elf of doom

[waspgrave]

been mulling on my warden Halenan Mahariel while wondering what the HoF is up to. And god The Shit You Put Up With and the Themes by romancing Morrigan as Mahariel is crazy.

not even born yet, your father (keeper of the Sabrae clan) who will die tragically to humans leads King Maric and Loghain to meet Asha'bellanar. You grow up an orphan, become 18 and then get blighted by horrible ancient elven mirror that you saw monstrous people in, lose boyfriend to same mirror, get essentially kidnapped by a human and made into a Warden, experience Mental Illness, meet and fall in love with swamp queen Morrigan after you two bond about your shared experiences as outsiders. Kill her abusive mother (who turned into a dragon, cool), make an old god baby with her so you and your bestie don't die killing the Archdemon, hot new gf dumps you and you find her years later. You go through another scary ancient elf mirror so you can raise your son in...in the Crossroads? The Fade?? Did MIL plan this?? (yes) Find out a decade later while you're trying to cure the Calling that your swamp wife is no longer assisting the Empress in Orlais and is now helping the Inquisition, which is being run by a fellow dalish (you will send her a kind letter to encourage her). Oh, also mother in law is alive (ominous) and is actually Mythal (oh no), who took the old god soul out of your son (huh) after luring him to the Fade through another freaky mirror (huh), but thankfully your amazing wife did not become a servant to her at the Well. Then find out that your amazing wife said 'what the hell, sure' at abusive mom/goddess offering Mythal's spirit to her once the Dead Wolf slurped her and the old god's power from her human vessel. How was this news delivered? Through a letter? Sleeping beside her while that took place? A very bizarre conversation after he got back home one day?

Then another decade passes and she leaves to go with the poor dalish woman that wound up being Inquisitor like 'toodles my love, she has to go talk her man out of doing something stupid' 'who's her stupid man' 'ah, but you would know him as Fen'Harel' '...what' 'and i'll be utilizing Mythal to help talk him down because they had a situationship that doomed the world thousands of years ago' '...what'

crazy. I love mahariel and morrigan so much lmao

[clarktooncrossing]

Giraffe's Eye View | Prehistoric Planet REVIEW (and Rant+)

Hey there people of today and robots of tomorrow! It is I, Clark, here with a fun fact about myself.

I.

LOVE.

DINOSAURS!

Granted, so does everybody else on the planet, but how can you not? They've been a part of our imagination for so long, an enigma of time we can never fully understand, a chapter of a long forgotten history when titans trekked across the planet, and the inspiration for hundreds of great movies, television shows, video games, comic books, and theme park rides! Ask anyone and they'll tell you the exact moment they fell in love with dinosaurs. For some it was seeing the original Jurassic Park in cinemas back in 1993, shaking in their seats as the T-Rex erupted from its enclosure! For others it was when catching reruns of Walking with Dinosaurs on TV, rooting for Big Al as he desperately tried to survive a harsh world. Maybe Barney stole your heart when you were younger, following him into the Land of Make Believe where he'd remind you that any dream is achievable. Or maybe you're into really obscure crap like Hallmark's made-for-TV movie Dinotopia, the 90s cartoon Denver the Last Dinosaur, Phil Tippet's stop-motion short Prehistoric Beasts, any of the follow ups to Walking with Dinosaur, there's so much dinosaur media out there that it'd take me 65 million years to cover them all! It's why today I'll be covering just one.

I remember how frustrated I was when I first saw trailers for Prehistoric Planet. Not because it didn't look good. On the contrary, it looked incredible! The effects felt like the natural evolution of Walking with Dinosaurs, crafting creatures as realistic as one can make'm. On top of that it featured narration by David Attenborough, the main man behind Planet Earth who can somehow say 'arse' without making it sound silly. Not only was he narrating over footage of breathtaking beasts, he was narrating over a score by Hans Zimmer! Y'know, the guy behind the music of The Lion King? Yeah, that guy! No doubt he was brought over by Jon Favreau, the Iron Man and Elf director turned this show's Executive Producer. If I were to guess, he brought all of the knowledge he accumulated while working in Simba's Pride Lands to the time of ancient reptiles. Unlike that piece of Hakunah Makaka though, I was actually excited for this! So what was the problem?

Apple TV+. This show was exclusive to a platform I didn't have run by a company I barely tolerate. It was bad enough they were hording all the Peanuts specials and Wolfwalkers, but now this? Why did everything I enjoy have to be taken by Steve Job's Apple Store of Doom!? For that matter, why was this service even called Apple TV+? Heck, why does every streaming channel end with a plus now? Disney already annoyed me when they named their service that instead of something more creative like 'The Disney Vault' or 'The Digital World of Disney', now every other company was trying to ride their coattails. Just wait, when we're inevitably charged for going to a public bathroom, they'll call the program Toilet+! In any case, my salvation came via a Pizza Hut gift ad given to me by my family last Christmas. After using the $25 gift card to buy one pizza, the Hut's app offered me a month free trial of Apple TV+. Having a real 'screw it' moment, I elected to try out the free month.

Which is pretty stupid in hindsight considering I got Wolfwalkers and the other two Cartoon Saloon movies on DVD that same Christmas and I already owned Blu-Ray copies of the classic Peanuts Holiday specials. Remember folks, I never said I was smart, I only said I liked dinosaurs. As such, what did I think of this show?

Happy to say; it delivers what the trailers promised. This show is what happens when you mix Walking with Dinosaurs with Planet Earth, Attenborough's narration being a highlight as per usual. He brings a level of class to anything he's commenting on, even a Deinocheirus taking a massive dump. Insert obligatory Jurassic Park joke here.

AND FOR ANYBODY JUMPING AHEAD: NO! THE SHOW ISN'T CRAP. THIS IS JUST FOR A JOKE!

It's also to help illustrate a weird point about this show: they do not shy away from the dino love-making or crap-taking. It's Dinos After Dark! Granted they showed this kind of stuff back on Walking with too, but it was just as disgusting there. Especially since the Deinocheirus eats where he poops. If you're thinking of enjoying a tasty bowl of popcorn while enjoying this, I'd recomend you wait until after Episode 3 aka Freshwater.

Those of you who have seen the Planet Earth series will recognize the naming convention here. Instead of going through the Triassic, Jurassic, and Cretaceous to see how dinosaurs evolved over time, this show sticks to the late Cretaceous while showing how far stretched the dinosaurs war. A pack of Secernosaurus struggle to find water in dunes made out of gypsum, we find out the Tyrannosaurs could beat you in a swimming contest, a troupe of triceratops are forced underground, one episode even sees how dinosaurs survived the cold.

I was actually super eager to see this episode, as a friend and I argued over the logistics of over-grown reptiles surviving in a snowy landscape. A quick Google search revealed that these early drafts of birds were indeed warm blooded, so I could totally buy them enduring the cold. Even if they couldn't, it looks freak'n cool! Pun intended, of course.

Really my one complaint about this series is how tame it is. When you watched Walking with Dinosaurs, or really any nature documentary, it's hard to guess what's going to happen. Will the baby antelope escape the hungry lion's claws? Will that one panda find a mate before the season's over? Will future generations have the privilege of ever seeing a rhino again? Most importantly, how did the people holding the camera get these magnificent shots? One cameraman working on Planet Earth had to live in a literal mountain of crap for weeks while filming cockroaches. Thinking about it gives makes my skin crawl. Even then that's nothing compared to the massive undertaking that is filming snow leopards. Not to say I want any people producing this to be in actual danger, but the Walking series at least simulated this aspect by having the creatures interact with the camera. Saliva would coat the lens after a T-Rex roared at it, it'd be knocked over after a adolescent Indricotherium charged at it, that sort of thing. This makes what's happening on screen feel natural. Here it all feels too choreographed and planned. There's no real edge. Still, I'd take this over any of the newer Jurassic Park movies any day. This doesn't make it feel my braincells are being smothered with a pillow before getting repeatedly kicked in their metaphorical crotches.

In conclusion, dinosaur lovers will surely love this. The effects will leave you speechless, David Attenborough's voice is a welcomed boost of nostalgia, and the variety of dinosaurs on display should satisfy any paleontology fan. That is assuming this all is accurate, which is getting harder to judge these days. Just wait, come tomorrow some bone-digging bozo is gonna say T-Rex was actually more of a giant woodpecker or somethin'. Until that happens, take a trip back and enjoy watching how life survived this Prehistoric Planet.

By the way, wanna read more rants against streaming services? Then check out my review of Spy x Family to see me complain about Hulu while gushing over how cute Anya forger is. Until then, may the glasses be with you!

NEXT TIME ON GIRAFFE'S EYE VIEW...

[nyenyerle]

I was going to write a post about possible elven pietas (that aren't russingon) and one of them was "maglor lying in an entwife's branches" bc entwives are supposed to be mothers and because of cryptid-cryptid solidarity. And somehow i can't picture that scene as not comical?? Just. Say one day in the second age Maglor wakes up particularly sad and almost drowns in a lake or something, because he is stupid like that. But entwives are having a tea party nearby and they fish him out! But then what. Because they are really really nice but like would ents know what a coughing fit is? And like they maybe vaguely remember Melian's Elf Boyfirend because he was the reason why the maia stopped her updates on the songbirds that would entertain the entwives. And this one is half the size so maybe he is a child? They are also Slow and ridiculously ancient and extremely out of touch with the recent... elf history drama so of course they don't quite understand what's going on, and I simply can't picture anything else but a scene where they save him and then Nothing Happens-

Forgotten Harper Singer Doomed: ...khHHmmmKkhkHkkhk *hhhHHHHHH* khkhkhkkkk?!

entwife #1: What's the matter with this child........... are you here to teach us new songs,..... little .....lord of elves?

F.H.S.D.: Khhhhhhhh,,,,kk!

[The fish caught in maglor's hair frees itself and slips back into the water with a soft splash.]

entwife #2: .........are you a grown elf? ...are your parents here somewhere too?...

F.H.S.D.: hnnNNNnngkkKKhhhh.kkhhh . ??.

entwife #1: ..........what is this lone soaked laconic catatonic burned-hand bird-heart prince-of-kelps child-of-emptiness is trying to say to us Camilla

entwife #2 (camilla): ......idk burárummm

(pieta the second over here)

[thegreymoon]

Ever Night

LMAO, the height difference between them is hilarious and adorable 😂

***

This has been the most awkward exchange, I am dying of second-hand embarrassment 🤣🤣

“No sex for you!! You are a student now, so only study, study, study!!” said accidental brothel mom 🤣🤣

Poor baby, he looks so dejected 🤣🤣

***

Who??

***

LMAOOOO, he’s doomed to be horny and to suffer in every adaptation 🤣🤣

Anyway, their ages don’t add up at all. He just said he’s 18, however, he found her when she was a baby and 15 years had passed until the beginning of the show. Since then, it’s been at least a year. He was definitely older than two when he found her. That child looked to be at least seven or eight, if not older, which would put him over twenty at least. My estimate is that he should be twenty-five. Creepy age difference IRL? Sure, and that’s before we even get started on the fact that he literally raised her. But this is ancient fantasy China, the circumstances of their life are very much abnormal already, so if you are going to go there... why not just go there? If somebody is going to get their panties in a twist over any of this, then fudging the numbers is really not going to help. 

***

Maybe she finally grew some self-respect? 🤔

***

This man is so beautiful, it’s unreal.

Pity he’s playing one of the most punchable characters I’ve encountered in an age. 

***

He’s so annoying but so, so cute 🤗🤗

I love CFY so much!!

***

LOOK AT THIS ELF PRINCE!! 😭😭

TOLKIEN WAS A C-DRAMA FAN AND YOU CAN’T CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE!!

Also, I don’t know who has the rights to The Simarillion, but they should totally hand them over to China and cast these IRL elves in prominent roles. They can’t go wrong! 

***

LMAO, did this dude just refer to himself as “Xiling’s most beautiful flower” while proposing to a woman? 🤣🤣

I mean, he’s not wrong, but girl.... RUN!!! 🤣🤣

***

OMFG, she said yes 😑 I guess no self-respect is happening here after all.

***

I love that she adopted this child 🤗

***

LMAOOOO, okay, then! 😅😅

***

YES!! MURDER HIM, BABY!!

I was just thinking they can start with killing him 💀💀

***

I’ve known her for five seconds and I despise her already 🤮

Of all Ning Que’s potential love interests, this one is the worst. I loathe the chaste, sheltered, spoiled daddy’s girl trope. I can’t stand her stupid face. I’m not holding out too much hope that it will happen, but I want to see her squashed. 

***

I love them to bits 😭😭

***

The Emperor is easily one of the most boring, frustrating and illogical characters on this show. The further along we get, the more obvious it becomes. 

***

She’s so gorgeous, like a living, walking doll.

I hate that she’s stuck in the most boring scenes imaginable with this absolute snooze of a man. 

***

Aww, Tubby, don’t cry!

He’ll be back, as annoying as ever, and maybe even more so! 

***

This was the most boring episode ever. The only good part was Ning Que saying goodbye to his Rear Mountain brothers and sisters. They love him so much! 

[jengajengajenga]

speculation

late-night thoughts on what the critical role cast might play in the third campaign, whenever it comes. these are more my hopes than actual expectations, fwiw. Liam - drow cleric of twilight (female) Marisha - gnome battle smith artificer Laura - dwarf ancestral guardian barbarian Travis - human blood hunter order of the lycan Sam - yuan-ti pureblood clockwork soul sorcerer (non-binary) Ashley - half-elf soulknife rogue Taliesin - air genasi college of creation bard (genderfluid) that lets Liam have a complex character (with a nod to Essek, ahem) who can care deeply for the people she protects - and with Sam pioneering Nott/Veth for the long campaign, i do think Liam will consider playing a female character in the next long campaign. lots of nuance possible in this character and excellent support magic, which Liam seems to enjoy playing. (my second choice for Liam is a druid, since he has so much fun with polymorph and animal friends in both campaigns - drow circle of stars, maybe?) for Marisha, she does really well at versatile characters, and it's her turn to have a quirky, less-standoffish character. gnomes are great tinkerers, and battle smith artificers get a million cool tricks and also robotic companions. what's not to love? (admittedly thinking of how well she played her dwarf bard in the Taryon one-shot...) Laura loves playing stupid characters (look at the Doom Eternal and Shadow of Mordor one-shots), and i think she'd have a blast playing a short barbarian. loud, impulsive, and chaotic, but not quite the same flavor as Jester (or the same combat rhythm as Vex). plus, we need a dwarf, dammit. plus plus, Laura would be a hilarious tank. someone get her some boots of flying, though. i really don't have to say anything about Travis playing an order of the lycan character, do i? werewolf dreams come true. also the cast gets another crack at someone playing Matt's blood hunter class as a PC. (my second choice for Travis has him playing a tanky cleric. maybe a warforged?) Travis enjoys combat so much that i honestly can't imagine him picking something that doesn't get to swing a sword/mace/handful of claws, but he's also hella smart and good at maximizing whatever other advantages his class has. Sam is so good at mechanically-complex versatile characters that i think he'd be fabulous as a sorcerer. the clockwork soul origin gives it a very unique flavor, distinct from past magic-users from either campaign, and i just really want to see Sam manage a stone-faced yuan-ti who thinks of everyone else as talking meat. (i also think he might try a non-binary character. i'm hoping someone does in campaign 3.) Ashley's character, i am the least certain of. i love her 'i will murder you while smiling politely' attitude and that's why i want to see her continue to be in a high-damage role. i think the sneaksy of the rogue class would be a fun change (and challenge) for her, and half-elves have great stats for this sort of thing. look, Taliesin needs to play a bard. he had a moment of colorful fun with molly and he needs a lot more of that after spending a long time as high-wis low-int Caduceus (whom i love, don't get me wrong). the college of creation is super interesting to me and would get nifty when synergized with Marisha's artificer (i am biased, i love constructs/'pets'), and i think Taliesin could pull off a genasi's beautiful oddness very well. (also, most bards can change gender as easily as clothing, so Tal playing an openly genderfluid bard would be great.) alternately... Liam - drow circle of stars druid (non-binary) Marisha - tiefling storm sorcerer Laura - tortle oath of the ancients paladin Travis - warforged war cleric Sam - kenku fey wanderer ranger Ashley - half-orc college of swords bard Taliesin - gith phantom rogue

[tessatechaitea]

Cerebus #16 (1980)

Cerebus is going up the stairs while Lord Julius is going down them. In the same direction.

Cerebus is often touted as the greatest independent comic book of all time (for various reasons) but I'd like to point out that Elfquest told an incredible story with beautiful art in just 20 issues as opposed to 300. Plus it had an elf orgy. Also, I know it continued on after the first 20 issue story arc but we can ignore the rest of the story because there was never another elf orgy and also the rest of the series concentrated too much on Skywise's fear of dying which was totally valid but was often used as a foil to make Cutter seem braver and more loyal to his wolf roots but really just showed he was stubborn and dumb and totally didn't fuck as many elf maidens as Skywise did. Cerebus does have some sex in his comic book but since the first sex he has is when he rapes Astoria, I don't think anybody was really clamoring for any more of that. I mean, sure, some people were! I didn't mean to erase the sickos and perverts out there. Sorry, jerks! I'm sure the "A Note from the Publisher" bit by Deni seemed like a good idea when starting out on a harrowing self-publishing journey like that of Cerebus. But it quickly became a space where Deni just says, "Self-publishing is fraught with hardships and also this is a really good issue! I won't spoil it! Goodbye!" I won't be sad to see the divorce happen! That's an okay thing to say because it already happened, right? It's not like my wishing for the end of their marriage in 2020 somehow brought about the end of their marriage in the early 80s. Is it? I never took a college course on cause and effect so who the fuck knows? Unless that Critical Literary Theory class was about that?! Oh my God! I think I understand it now! Dave's finale to the "Swords of Cerebus" essay that has been broken up over the last three issues describes how he was consciously drawing the Eye of the Pyramid cult leader's gigantic penis while drawing the snake. Sorry to report, though, that he's being sarcastic. Apparently Dave is above using phallic imagery to make a point about patriarchal themes. Only fucking hacks do shit like that! Take that, whoever wrote fucking Beowulf!

Even if Sim can't see the humor in everybody assuming he made a giant snake dick joke on purpose, he can still be extraordinarily funny with the least of materials.

This issue takes Cerebus to his first fancy dress party (that's a costume party for all of you people who aren't British (which is also me but only because I was born a citizen of the United States of America who didn't have a choice but knew it was a huge mistake as I was learning about Monty Python's Flying Circus and Dave Allen at Large in elementary school and The Young Ones in junior high and Red Dwarf in college)). Cerebus changes out of his vest and puts on his costume: a furry black jumper (that's sweater for all of you people who aren't British (which is also me but only because I was forced to watch mostly American popular entertainment until the advent of YouTube and now I mostly just watch Taskmaster over and over (by the way, is Taskmaster as good for people who don't know all of the "contestants" or do I enjoy it more because I recognize and like almost all of the people on the show?)). Lord Julius is dressed as an, um, a, uh, Estarcion matador? I have no context in which to guess what he is.

Certain people like Cerebus because he says what's on his mind. I purposefully used the passive voice here so you can't prove one of those people is me.

Lord Julius has a follow-up joke that leaves the reader thinking, "I guess all Pavrovians are fat?" That's Dave Sim continuing his work on Estarcion continuity! Remember how Pavrovians are the, um, you knows of Estarcion! You know the nationality I'm thinking of! The ones that are all the things people usually find insulting! Come on, you know who I'm talking about. The dumb fat arrogant stupid naive gullible ones! Yes, that's it! Americans! Try to remember Dave is Canadian. You have to think of Americans through Canadian eyes (which are the equivalent of smart, cynical Americans)! E'lass and Turg have gotten tickets to The Festival of Petunias so they can steal the Wyndmel Diamond. They're the duo composed of a giant muscular man and a little bitty shrimpy guy who last encountered (and were beaten by) Cerebus in Issue #6. E'lass is dressed like some kind of small dirt dwelling creature so I hope Cerebus gets offended by his costume and stabs him in the throat. There isn't enough random slaughter in this book about barbarians.

I haven't wanted to fuck a fish this badly since The Littler Mermaid.

I suppose I could have said "since Splash" in that last caption to seem more normal and less perverted but then you'd know I was lying. The assassins make a move on Lord Julius but Cerebus comes up with a plan to stop them that involves inducing the Palnu elite to throw herring-and-onion dip at them. Is that a parodied scene from Duck Soup or Conan the Barbarian? In the confusion, the lead assassin slips out through a secret door and E'lass, having just stolen the diamond and becoming increasingly paranoid that somebody saw him, slips through it as well. Cerebus and Lord Julius follow, having noticed the assassin but not E'lass. Most of the pursuit's tension comes from E'lass believing Cerebus remembers him and is now going to use the excuse of this new crime to murder him. It's more tense than I've even described because I really need Cerebus to murder somebody in this Swords & Sorcery book already. Reading this book waiting for a murder is like firing up a porn video on your laptop with your dick in your hands and realizing after five minutes that the video is almost over and was just a teaser for a pay porn site. Cerebus threatens to quit his job just before battling the assassin so he can negotiate a term of 8 bags of gold and a horse in exchange for killing the assassin as a pension before he goes. Julius agrees and Cerebus takes out the assassin with a rock to the head. I mean, I guess it's a murder so yay? But I was really hoping for some stabbing. Meanwhile E'lass lives through the cliché of the criminal whose paranoia gets the better of him and he tosses the diamond into a huge pit so he doesn't get caught only to discover that they never knew he took it anyway. Everything is wrapped up quickly and thoroughly with Cerebus given money and motivation to move on from Palnu. Dave complained about his heavy use of cliché in this Palnu trilogy and I have to say I agree with Dave. But I only agree with Dave on this point! Don't take that out of context and start raving on Twitter that Grunion Guy agrees with Dave's Issue #186 rant about girlfriends being illogical which is also secretly a rant about a guy who needs to get laid so badly he puts up with partners he probably wouldn't even be friends with and then finally just decides orgasms are evil and religion is super awesome but only if you smash all three People of The Book religions into one bland mash paste of ancient dogma. In the epilogue, Lord Julius receives a letter from his niece Jaka in which she expresses delight in possibly seeing Cerebus again. I guess Dave learned from Howard the Duck that comic book nerds really love for their anthropomorphic heroes to be fucking statuesque women. Perhaps every guy develops a fetish of being with a woman whose breasts are at head level due to being hugged constantly by their female relatives when they're ten years old. Deni's brother Michael's first installment of the "Aardvarkian Age" essays appears in this issue. It gives more details to the various nations of Estarcion and their inhabitants' culture, ruling styles, and brutality of their armies. I thought I'd be more interested in this than I actually wound up being. Maybe I thought it would be funnier? Instead, it's just a bunch of facts about made-up kingdoms to make them sound more believable by making them more like European countries in the Middle Ages. If this entire bit were just lifted from a history of Europe with the names of actual countries replaced by Estarcion countries, I wouldn't even notice. Mostly because I know nothing about European history. As I've always said, "Those who know about European history are doomed to repeat it, boring every single other person at the cocktail party." Dave apologizes for the quarter price increase of the comic book in the Aardvark Comments pages. Why, I hadn't even noticed! Probably because this is the Biweekly reprint issue and I purchased it as a collection off of eBay. Some people write in and discuss how Cerebus is a very fine and funny comic book. I nodded along in agreement as I read the letters. I only touched my private area twice while reading and neither time was for pleasure. The most surprising thing about "The Single Page" is that it clearly states who the comic was authored by: Kent Featherly. I don't know why so many of these single page comics aren't more clearly labeled. Isn't part of the reason for having them exposure for the artists drawing and writing them?! Not putting an effort to let a large audience know who you are and how they can read more of your work just sounds like something I would do. By the way, you should play this game I wrote, Starship Troopers: The Game. You can find it on the hard drive of my laptop. Cerebus #16 Rating: B. Look, it was funny and well drawn and all that. But even Dave said it relied too heavily on cliché plot devices. I've got to lower the grade when even the author points out some of the story's flaws! And I'd probably have come to the same conclusion without having been influenced by Dave Sim because I'm like the best Internet comic book critic who isn't a critic and isn't actually reviewing comic books. Also I almost forgot this evidence: I'm a Grandmaster Comic Book Reviewer! Nobody else can make that claim and if they do, they're plagiarizing me and I'd like you to point them out to me so I can send them a threatening email in which I pretend to be my own lawyer who is really good at suing dumb-dumbs.

[flying-elliska]

lotrblogging pt 2 - Return of the King extended edition

- I just love this movie so much, it’s just a collection of big narrative payoffs and it’s so satisfying ! 

- I honestly hate Denethor more than Sauron ; he’s just such a compelling antagonist, that despicable figure of authority that lets his biases completely corrupt everything, seeing only what he wants to see, and a good example of the dangers of unfettered pessimism that passes off cowardice as ‘realism.’ And of course what would a story be without at least one terrible father figure, I mean. Also the noble but pointless sacrifice of Faramir/Pippin singing/the triviality of Denethor’s terrible table manners still gives me so much chills. i can’t help but think of Tolkien going through wwi, one of the most egregious examples of brave young men being sacrificed to the pride of older officials, safe behind the battle lines, for completely trivial reasons. Ugh. 

- i think what is so amazing about this movie is that most of the heroes go through a moment of being completely hopeless : Pippin and Gandalf in an assieged Minas Tirith, the Rohhirim charging a much bigger army, Frodo and Sam having to go through Mordor and talk about not coming back, the last battle at the Black Gate they know they can’t win but is meant as a diversion, etc. And from their limited perspective, it really is. But they decide to fight regardless ; and then they realize they’re not as alone as they thought ; because everyone decided to fight. It’s like the opposite of the Prisonner’s Dilemma, and it’s like the Good Ending for so many of the problems facing the world and it’s such a satisfying narrative and ugh - i’m emo

- i already talked about this re : masculinity and shit but i just love how emotionally open everyone is in this movie ! it’s just so fucking delightful ! i think this is part of why i loved the movies so much as a neuroatypical kid who had trouble regulating/expressing emotion. It’s also very straightforward, with little irony or second degree or whatever. very relaxing. I mean, take Aragorn, in the books he is honestly kind of boring, he’s so aloof and serious and remote, but in the movies he just cares so much ! i mean that look of utter devastation on his face when he gets out of the caves and thinks he hasn’t been able to convince the ghost army ! beautiful !!! it could be cheesy or trite but they just play it so earnestly and fully, it’s just !!!!! yeah !!!!

- honestly throwback to my teen self having a crush on a different character everytime i rewatched the movies there are a lot of beautiful people in there

- i find it very unrealistic that there is not one culture in there that has warrior women. and very bland. especially the Rohirrim who are kind of Viking-like, and have a word for ‘shieldmaiden’ apparently but there’s only one around ? and what about the elves who are all supposedly badass and indestructible ? i’m sure any elf maiden could like, seriously fuck up a human dude, also having thousands of years to train. gender roles being so unquestionably replicated in fantasy settings where they don’t necessarily makes sense is so annoyinnnng. that said, Eowyn’s ‘i am no man’ moment of ultimate badassery is just....still so incredible. But I’m glad they didn’t include the moment where Eomer is all ‘war is the province of men’ in the cinematic version because that makes him look like a serious dick tbh and he already doesn’t have a lot of personality so...

- i know it’s based on ancient myth where these archetypes are frequent but like, the worldbuilding is really full of like...um...uncomfortable tropes, like the evil races concept is one thing, but then the movie topped it up with some really problematic design choices, like making some of the men aligned with Sauron look distinctively middle-eastern which, yikes. As a product of its time there’s a lot worse, but i like to think if they remade it today they would be more aware of this, as I am watching these movies as an adult. And also, glad that fantasy is moving away from these tropes today, at least in books. 

- man i love Legolas. he just seems high half of the time, spouting off epic poetry in the middle of a creepy cave full of skulls that’s only tangentially related to whatever is happening. he stops a minute to be a snarky badass, then he goes back to thinking about poetic stacks of mist and golden leaves or whatever. legend. absolute goals. also that drink-off with gimly where he wins and is like ‘oh my fingers are tingling’ with a delicate finger motion. so stupid. amazing. 

- monarchy is bad etc but i love narratives about kingship/leadership as acts of service, and stuff about the king being linked to the land and if he fucks up then everything goes bad, he can’t just do whatever, as a proto-pattern of accountability of power, and mankind having to be a good steward. and Aragorn as a healer. 

- i skipped the bits with the giant spider. when there’s a giant spider in a movie i always make a point of honor to skip it. because that’s just unnecessary. 

-  Sam and Frodo’s relationship is so beautiful, ugh. And honestly it kills me everytime, how there’s these big epic battles but they’re put in parallel with the small acts of compassion and kindness of these two, and with Gollum as well. How these small, personal struggles matter just as much. And of course, the ending, with Frodo failing and Gollum stealing the ring from him and then falling into the pit of Mount Doom...That moment puzzled me for a long time. It highlights the importance of Frodo’s compassion, but it’s also very disturbing, because it shows how much is left to chance in the end, like the fate of the world wasn’t determined by a grand gesture or someone making the right choice. This probably haunted Frodo for the rest of his days. Maybe it shows the importance of putting yourself on the right path ; but also in the end, so much of history really comes down to chance and unrelated stuff. 

- overal it just holds up so well. the visual effects are still mostly incredible and there is such craftsmanship in there, i can’t believe those movies are almost 20 yrs old. i remember my parents allowing me to skip school to go see Return of the King with them, felt like one of the best days of my life lmao. i think part of what makes them so great - compared to stuff like GoT, which had also amazing craftsmanship, but the story really doesn’t make me want to rewatch at all - is that there is this sense of wonder about it. (and they’re not trying to avoid being seen as fantasy, lol.) It’s not shy about the whole ‘and here’s a totally different world, isn’t that awesome !’ thing. And the character arcs are just incredible. It’s far from being flawless, it’s very pompous at times, it’s a zero in terms of diversity, and I can see that more clearly now. But I like that it’s aware of its own myth-like aspects ; stuff that I used to find lame, like Gandalf calling the moth or the eagles, bother me a lot less, because the point is not Realism!!!. It’s the metaphor of small gestures and signs of hope in times of tyranny and mass violence. And that holds on its own. 

[waterdeeps]

a graveyard of stars

elera lavellan is forced to face an enemy while unprepared and finds comfort from an unlikely source in the aftermath. post trespasser.

(for clarification not that anyone truly cares, mihren is an ancient elf, previously the champion for elgar’nan, grievously injured in the aftermath of the gods being sealed away and has been in uthenera until recently awoken by inquisitor lavellan)

elera x solas, elera & mihren (oc) | T | 2k 

Miles of untouched snow surrounded her at all sides. A blinding, disorienting white as far as her eyes could see. There was nothing else. No light to guide her way, no warmth to keep that chill from seeping into her very bones. She was lost, doomed. At least she had given them time, had gotten them to safety. If this was to be her end, then so be it. Perhaps all the lives she had saved this night would somehow balance the scales against all the lives she had taken from this world.

She readied herself for death as the chill seemed to press in even closer, ice so cold that it burned, moving in a lovers caress over her skin. It was sapping her of energy, dragging her heavy lids closed.

A quick death. She’d simply slip into a sleep she’d never wake up from.

It was easy to mistake the low, mourning howl as wind, at first. But then— a growl, so loud it felt as though it shook the mountain peaks surrounding her. It was close. So, so close.

She wouldn’t, couldn’t open her eyes. Not even as she felt the magic that poured off it in waves reaching out to her. Probing. No, pleading. Begging her to open her eyes and look upon it.

She shuddered, forced her frozen hands to raise and press over her traitorous eyes. If she looked, she lost. It whined, and the sound was so full of sorrow, she thought her heart would split apart. Something—furry, soft—brushed against her bare hands. Another sort plea.

No. A trick, a lie.

Deceiver, some hidden, furious part of her mind whisper.

She hadn’t spoke the words out loud but the thing left out another growl. It had heard, somehow it had heard.

The magic. The whines and touches had been a rouse. One to distract her long enough for it to send faints wisps of magic brushing gently against her mind. No, no. No. Inside. It was inside. The twining vines she usually kept sealed around her mind were gone. Withered away by the freezing cold and her slowly sapping strength. It had chosen this place for a reason. It had known that it haunted her, chipped away every barrier she had until she was left shaking and terrified.

The tendrils of magic took form. Long, fearsome claws gently pulled away the last few vines that remained. She couldn’t move, couldn’t tell if the ice had frozen her in place or if it had been the fear.

Please, she begged, and reached out with some soft, unmarred part of herself to press against those claws. Not this. Not this. This isn’t you.

The claws moved and— oh. She could feel him, as though her hand was pressed to his own, cupping the curve of his jaw, resting over the strong beat of his heart. All the sensations poured into her at once. His own hands skimmed the length of her arms, held momentarily against her waist before moving to gently hold her face between his palms.

I am sorry, his voice cleaved her heart clean in two, full of sorrow for the violence he had yet to commit. He would not pull back, would not walk away from this without the answers he had come to get.

She pressed herself into the familiar warmth of his hands. Allowed herself a moment to enjoy this small kernel of what they had once had, and then, when he was most at ease, when he was distracted by his own useless guilt, she struck out with that furious part of her mind that had forged itself into a dagger of fine dwarven steel, and sunk it into the part of him that had reached out.

He ripped away from her at the attack and let out a furious roar. The dagger would not follow him out of her mind so she turned it inwards instead. She could not afford to hesitate, could not worry about consequences.

Her eyes snapped open as she dug the dagger into her mind, long enough for her to see the snarling, dark maw of the Dread Wolf as he prepared to pounce.

Searing pain forced her eyes shut again as she shoved the dagger down, this time to the hilt.

She didn’t jerk into consciousness. It returned to her between one heartbeat and the next. Her eyelids fluttered, still heavy with sleep as they took in the space before her. Same fire, though the flames burned lower. Same cave walls, though their edges danced differently in the light of the fire.

She was still sitting upright, though she had listed slightly to the right in her sleep. Her head was resting on something warm and firm. She blinked again, syrupy slow, content to give back in to her tiredness.

Her headrest shifted, letting a slight breeze in to tickle against her neck. Her blood turned to ice in her veins as her dream came rushing back to her. She was on her feet, bow in hand, before her brain had made the conscious effort to do so. Her hands did not falter as she notched an arrow and aimed it towards the cave’s empty entrance.

He was here. He had found her because she had forgotten. Allowed herself to be lulled to sleep before setting the runes that kept him away. Stupid, foolish girl. Weeks of planning would crumble to dust if he slipped into her mind for even a second.

Leather armour blocked her view of the mouth of the cave. No blades were sheathed in the bandolier strapped across the chest, and hands were held out in a placating gesture. As though the owner of them knew they were dealing with someone dangerous. Or terrified.

“Elera,” the voice was gentle, and her eyes flashed upwards at the sound of it.

The man before her was devastatingly handsome. His golden brown skin shone in the light from the fire. A few strands of shoulder length black hair had come loose from the leather he tied it back with to gently framed his face. It was his eyes, however, that had her lowering her bow. They were a disarming shade of silver, more often than not looking like the sharpened edge of a blade, but now, looking at her— they softened, gentle rings of shimmering starlight. He had never looked at her like that before.

He dared a step closer. “You are in a cave in the Vinmark Mountains. You fell asleep reading your book. I have been keeping watch this whole time. No one has come within a hundred miles of this place, Elera. I swear it.”

He was trying to centre her. Like he knew half of her was still stuck in that dream, that horrible, cold place. Another step closer and his hand extended before him just a little. An offer she could easily accept or refuse.

Elera, he had said. Her name was Elera. And Mihren. It was Mihren that stood before her, his hand held out, bare of any gloves. All his scars brought into sharp relief in the firelight. His hand tensed but didn’t falter as her gaze dropped to examine it. The thought of what this little act of kindness took from him made her knees give out underneath her.

He moved faster than her eyes could comprehend. A strong arm looped around her waist before she could hit the ground and pulled her body to his. Her head tipped forward to rest against his armoured chest. Creators, he was so warm.

“In my dreams, he. He—” She could barely speak past the chattering of her teeth. It was like the cold had followed her out. “I never set the wards before falling asleep. He brought me somewhere he knew would,” make me afraid and unaware, “would throw me off. I didn’t realise he was there until it was too late.”

The arms surrounding her tensed. “Did he—”

Elera shuddered and thought of that sharp dagger she had wielded. “No. I stopped him before he could dig his claws in.”

Something in her voice, maybe, had given away the truth in her choice of words.

Mihren’s voice was the edge of a blade. “Claws?”

A lump caught in her throat. That place he had brought her. That icy mountain range had haunted her dreams for weeks. He had known that, had allowed her to find comfort at his side when the dreams were too bad to let her fall back to sleep. He knew how deep it would cut her. They were on opposite sides of a war now, but still, she had not expected such a personal attack. She hadn’t expected him to pray on her fears, on things she had told him in moments of vulnerability.

The stupid expectations of a stupid, lonely girl.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” she said, as she forced herself to pull away from Mihren’s warmth.

He didn’t say anything as she moved to sit herself before the fire, but she could feel his eyes on her. Assessing her. She paid him no heed and set about stoking the slowly dying fire to life.

Two moments passed in silence before he moved across to where he had left his pack and grabbed the black, heavy cloak he had discarded hours earlier. The cave was small and Mihren barely had to take a step before he was close enough to drop his cloak into her lap.

Her eyes flashed up to him, but he had already turned back to his bedroll on the other side of the fire. “Your teeth are chattering. You need to warm up.”

Another gesture of kindness. Not something she had expected from Elgar’nan’s fearsome champion. Or the man who only weeks ago had held a blade to her throat and asked why he shouldn’t kill her where she stood.

Elera didn’t speak as she watched him settle into his bedroll. He only removed his bandolier, which he set within arms reach. His greatsword also laid propped against the wall near his head. He settled, fully armoured, hands behind his head, and allowed his eyes to flutter closed.

She watched as he slowly slid into sleep.

His cloak was a heavy weight around her shoulders that slowly leeched the cold chill out of her bones. His scent lingered on it, filling the air around her. Spicy and warm. Like sunlight catching your skin through the gaps in the trees above. Like the bustle of an Antivan marketplace in the middle of the morning. Like good memories. Like the opposite of that terrible icy place she had been.

Another act of kindness, as unintentional as this one had been, and Elera hadn’t even given him a single thanks.

He had shifted at some point, now laying on his side.

He was softer in sleep. His full lips slackened, the sharpness that usually carved out his features was absent. He was beautiful, a reflection of the gentler side of the god he served.

“Thank you.”

His eyes slit open, twin pools of starlight gazing at her across the flames. “Ir abelas, da’mi.”

His voice was quiet, rough with sleep. It barely carried over the crackle of the fire. Da’mi. She did not know that one. Her understanding of the language was still too fractured.

She cleared her voice against that question. “Why are you sorry?”

He just kept staring at her. Elera wondered what it was that he saw looking back, what made his eyes soften like that.

“I know what it is like to stand on the opposite side of a war from someone you love.”

She had never told him what Solas had been to her, what they had together, but she had never been a good liar. Like an open book, her father used to say, if you knew where to look.  

Mihren, it seemed, had learned where to look.

The words spilled from her in a rush. “If it comes to it, I will kill him. If he forces my hand. If that’s what it takes to save this world.”

Mihren just looked and looked, through slitted star-bright eyes, searching for the lie that wasn’t there.

“Ir abelas, da’mi.”

He didn’t say another word as she ducked her head down to press hard against her knees. She pulled his cloak up to block out the light and crackle off the fire, and the steady sound of his breathing.

A sob was clawing its way up her throat and tears had already wet her eyes. There was no holding back. For the first time since she had faced Solas on that battlefield, Elera allowed herself to cry.

[mst3kproject]

Goliath and the Vampires

Like Colossus and the Headhunters or Hercules against the Moon Men, this was originally a Maciste movie.  Exactly why the folks at Wild East Productions decided to call the hero Goliath when they dubbed it into English, I have no idea.  Goliath was the bad guy, who got his ass whooped by a kid who threw a rock at him – even Bert I. Gordon knew that. But Goliath it is, so let's see what this movie has to offer.

Well, it's got Gordon Scott, the hero of Danger! Death Ray. It has large men in small skirts, soldiers getting thrown into barrels of water, a super-strong invulnerable guy who lifts heavy stuff and escapes prison by bending the bars, and an over-long sandstorm.. basically everything a sword-and-sandals movie needs to qualify for the Satellite of Love treatment.

As for the actual plot: our brawny protagonist comes home from a hard day of saving drowning children, only to find his village under attack by Vikings dressed as Mongols (watch the movie, you'll see what I mean).  Goliath arrives too late to do anything but watch the bodies smolder, but he vows to follow the raiders to their homeland of Salmonak and save his girlfriend Julia from their clutches. Salmonak turns out to be a desert kingdom rather more Arabian than The Magic Voyage of Sinbad, and its people, from the meanest beggar to the Sultan himself, are slaves of the vampire Cobrak!  Cobrak seeks to conquer the world with an army of the undead, but now that they've got Goliath on their side, perhaps the people of Salmonak can at last overthrow their literally bloodthirsty tyrant.

The... Viking Mongols?  Mongol Vikings?  I'm gonna call them Monglings. Most of them are undead, but we're not allowed to find that out until the movie's almost over, so they wear helmets to hide their semi-skeletal faces.  These helmets are among thr most ridiculous pieces of so-called 'armor' I have ever seen on a screen. The men wearing them look like they're trying to cosplay a particularly impractical Final Fantasy character.  I don't feel up to describing these things, so I'm going to have to show you.

That is a ridiculous note to begin a movie on.  One of the top reasons I really hope this one gets into Shadowrama someday is because I would dearly love to see Crow and Servo try to move around while wearing those.

There's a lot to make fun of in Goliath and the Vampires. Besides those stupid helmets, there are the random dance numbers, one of which features a woman with spikes on her nipples, shimmying to what sounds like surf movie music.  There's the dried-up husks of the vampire victims, propped against the walls or stacked up like lumber.  The name 'Salmonak', which sounds like a yearly publication to predict what the fishing will be like.  The bit where the Vizier meets his sudden and untimely end in a booby trap.  The climactic fight between Goliath and his stunt double (this would be my choice for the stinger).  My favourite potential running joke, though, is the fact that Goliath seems like he's constantly trying to escape from the movie.

At the beginning, he vows to go to Salmonak and rescue the women the Monglings have kidnapped – particularly Julia, his fiancee (Maciste movies seem to have assigned him girlfriends, wives, parents, and siblings willy-nilly, without any sort of regard for continuity).  We never find out how he got to the island when no ships that pass that way ever return, but once he's there he meets the Sultan's son Kurtik.  Kurtik wants help to defeat Cobrak, but Goliath has no interest in this.  Having freed the rest of the women from a slave market, he just wants to get Julia back and go.  In trying to do so, he ends up in chains in the palace dungeon, looking like he may need Kurtik’s rebellion after all... but he still wants no part of it.  He breaks out by knocking some columns down, grabs Julia, and runs, only to get lost in the desert and forced to rejoin Kurtik and his Blue Men.  Sorry, Goliath.  You're not allowed to leave the movie until you've liberated Salmonak.  Those are the rules.

Blue Men? I hear you say.  What's up with that? I don't know.  The name is at least accurate, since they are blue, and they don't appear to have any women.  Are they humans who paint themselves with woad, like the ancient Picts?  Are they some kind of underground desert elf sort of creature?  The movie never tells us.

It never tells us exactly what Cobrak is, either.  The movie is called Goliath and the Vampires, and when Cobrak's face is revealed at the end he does look appropriately pale and toothy.  He and his undead slaves appear to subsist on human blood, yet the zombies walk around in daylight without so much as tanning their pasty white midriffs, and the movie implies that Cobrak created them through a combination of hypnosis and chemistry rather than by biting them.  A drug is also able to bring the drained victims back to life, which is definitely not how vampires normally work.  Some of Cobrak's powers are also, at the very least, untraditional for a vampire.  He appears in a cloud of red smoke whenever his name is mentioned, for example (this is the coolest-looking thing in the movie) and seems able to materialize and dematerialize at will.

He's also a shapeshifter, able to assume Goliath's form and apparently his strength and indestructibility as well, in order to be a match for him in the final fight.  Or maybe he was already super-strong and indestructible – he's one of those villains who mostly just stands around wearing a spiky costume, so it's hard to say.  This development does tend to make one wonder why, if Cobrak can do that, he's holed up in a Fortress of Doom somewhere instead of assassinating the Sultan, assuming his form, and ruling that way.  I mean, that's what I would do if I had shapeshifting powers.

The fight itself, however, is hilarious.  It has no artistry or choreography to it whatsoever, it's just two nearly-identical guys in miniskirts pretending to beat the shit out of each other,  Most of the time it looks like two teenagers in a parking lot, trying to put each other in headlocks.  It's a fight between guys who have no idea how to fight.

With only one really weird exception, the characters are all tropes: we have a Hero, a Damsel, a Cute Kid, a Dark Lord, a Femmy Fattily (as Crow would say), and so forth.  The opening, in which Goliath saves the Cute Kid from drowning, establishes our hero as Good And Noble, and that's about all we ever get.  Cobrak is merely aloof and evil, like Sauron or – for a more MST3K sort of example – the Organization Known as Q. Things like his goals and the source of his funding are at best unclear.  Cobrak's flunky, Astra, has the obligatory subplot where she betrays her evil master because the hero saved her life, and gets a spear through the middle for it.

Goliath's fiancee, Julia, spends most of the movie being kidnapped.  She's kidnapped by the Monglings at the beginning, and then sub-kidnapped by their leader, who has decided she's the best one in the batch.  He takes her to a tavern, where she is re-kidnapped by Astra, who turns her over to the Sultan.  Goliath rescues her, but then Astra kidnaps her again and gives her to Cobrak, who drains her dry – thus allowing her corpse to be de-kidnapped by Goliath, who takes her to Kurtik, whose alchemy can revive her.  Never once in all of this does she try to take her fate into her own hands, and she ends up being one of the more egregious Sexy Lamps I've seen outside of a Gill-Man movie.  As Roger Ebert said of Liv Tyler's character in Stealing Beauty, “she exists primarily to stir lust in the loins of the men.”

The aforementioned only exception to this cast of stock characters is the commander of the Monglings, whose name, we learn, is Amal.  He is played by actor and ballet dancer Vanoye Aikens, who as far as I can tell is the only black actor in the movie.  When we meet the Monglings at the beginning, Amal is the only one not wearing a helmet, and thus serves as the human face of this attacking force. After the Monglings leave, a survivor complains to Goliath that the raiders are inhuman and barbaric, and at this point I was wincing, prepared for an avalanche of early 60's racism.  The fact that we then move on to an Arabian Nights Fantasy Land populated by distinctly non-Arabic actors didn't help any.

However, we do later learn a little more about Amal as a person, some of which is surprising.  For one thing, he's just as terrified of Cobrak as any of the captured women are of him. For another, he considers himself crafty, thinking he can get away with keeping the prettiest girls for himself and making deals with the rebels – but he actually shows up to his conspiracy meeting drunk and it turns out that Astra already knows exactly what he does with his spare time.  In a movie peopled largely with bigger-than-life archetypes, Amal is surprisingly ordinary.  He’s a Dumb Thug and a Petty Traitor, but never quite the stereotype of either.

Of course he dies, but it's a pretty entertaining death.  I've never seen somebody go that far out of their way to be a railing kill.

Goliath and the Vampires is sometimes slow, and it can be a little hard to tell what's going on when, say, multiple groups of characters are all wandering around lost in the same foggy swamp. But it's not so bad that it isn't any fun, and would be a good evening's entertainment for MSTies or just for people who enjoy Maciste movies.  Even when it does drag a bit, you'll be rewarded for sitting through the slow stuff with something deliciously silly.

[xxlovesuicide61xx]

Absolute Agony- Ch. 2

A/N: Back by popular demand! It was supposed to be the one shot, so I’m not 100% on where I”m taking the story yet. Expect about 5 chapters. Love it or hate it, let me know! I hope you guys enjoy. :D

Merlin he missed the days when she would wear those damned denim shorts. It was far easier on his him when she did. Oh, he thought it was bad then. Severus had no idea what the fates had in store for him. Or his now painfully hard cock.

In a truly atypical turn of events, Britain was experiencing its hottest summer in nearly fifty years. While the residents of the Most Noble and Ancient House of Black lost a shimmer in their eye upon the owner's death, they certainly hadn't lost their ability to complain. And despite his imminent doom, Albus Dumbledore didn't seem to have lost his sparkle when it came to making the people he cared about happy before he killed them.

Albus had been keeping tabs on the various ways that muggles kept cool in the summer, particular of the wet, outdoor variety. It began with something as simple as a sprinkler in the rather sad looking backyard. Just one. Then two. Then four. Then he moved onto the ever-popular water balloons. After that came the water balloon slingshots. And then his collaborative efforts with the Weasley twins led into the magical equivalent of Super Soakers. That had all begun roughly two weeks ago-- each new addition removing another section of clothing from the participants.

Refusing to lose to his new and apparently much more powerful than Voldemort opponent known as mother nature, Albus transformed what had been a bland and decrepit back garden into a summer oasis, complete with pool, diving board, and a tiki bar.

For the last three days every occupant of Grimmauld Place, from Mad Eye Moody to Molly Weasley to Albus himself, had for all intents and purposes lived in a swim suit. Every occupant except him. Most of the bathing suits were respectable, albeit strange in their presentation. Albus insisted on wearing a fifties style bathing outfit, for which everyone was grateful. Most males under the age of 70 stuck to the newly popular long swim trunks, accepting Arthur and Mad Eye, whose ensembles included tank tops. Yet again, people were grateful. At the behest and bereavement of her mother, Ginny Weasley wore a conservative one piece. Overall, not as awful as Severus would've expected.

But then there was his lovely Hermione Granger.

Hermione fucking Granger in her damned green and white stripped bikini. Hermione fucking Granger showing off tiny tattoos that until that point no one had known about. Hermione fucking Granger lounging out of the water in the pool on an elongated inflatable raft, her still wet skin glistening in the sunlight. Hermione fucking Granger, lying stomach down on a deck chair, the ties of her bikini top undone to keep from getting tan lines. Hermione fucking Granger and her fucking bikini causing his damned fucking erection.

He missed her shorts. They were nowhere as near as painful as this. Severus had locked himself in his room up on the third floor, refusing to be shoved into the frivolities. He had his own reasons, ranging from body insecurities to hatred of the company provided. But it was mostly that damn bikini.

He had a perfect view of the backyard from his window, and he had spent each day sat there, feeling like a complete lecherous bastard, his cock out and in his hand and Hermione in clear view. He would watch her, infatuated, edging himself until he could no longer take it, usually being set off by her letting out a laugh or a squeal at being thrown into the pool by one of the boys. He would come back down to earth, the guilt crushing his spine into his seat, until he caught sight of her and the cycle would repeat itself. Again and again. For three days. He didn't know whether to be impressed that he had a faster recovery time than he had expected, or to be embarrassed that he was such a pining, pervy asshole. He felt the guilt irregardless, it was just a matter of what type of mood he found himself in after he came.

Once he had debated going down there and joining them. Joining her. But only once. Severus often noted the surprising ease with which Hermione allowed the males in her life to touch her. It was nothing for the twins to trap her between their bodies, extreme amounts of skin touching more extreme amounts of skin, grab hold of her wrists and ankles and swing her into the pool. She didn't seem to mind it when she had Lupin's head between her legs- facing away from her crotch, thankyouverymuch- during a game of what he heard them refer to as chicken, his hands often times traveling high onto her thighs for the sake of balance. She didn't even seem concerned on the occasions when Moody would "accidentally fall" into her- the man only had one and a half legs, why he expected to be able to easily get in and out of a pool, Severus would never understand. Taking all of this information into account, Severus had wondered what if would be like if he would show up down there, ready to interact with the others and come into contact with her sweet skin.

He thought about what her legs would feel like wrapped around his head in a game of chicken- even more preferable if his head were facing inward. He thought about how he could turn his head slightly and casually kiss the skin of her inner thighs, blaming it on a slip of his foot or something of the like. He thought about what her hair would feel like, haloing around her as she laid back and floated naturally in the water. How it would tickle his skin. He thought about how her lips would feel against his underwater, about how they would share their breath until they were both drunk with lust and forced to surface. He thought about what she would feel like from the inside, his fingers slipping into her thrice damned bikini, her own wet heat a beautiful deliverance from the cool, clear water surrounding them. He thought about what it would feel like for her hand to reach into his swim trunks and wrap her hand around him and jerk him off, the water churning around them from her movements, until his come shot into the pool and blended in with the water, forcing her to bathe in it. He thought about so many things that could happen if he went down there.

But then he thought about it from a realistic standpoint and decided that fuck all, he was better as a lecherous pervert. He wasn't doing her any harm from up here- it was no different from his normal private wankfests after he had spent the day staring at her. If he got a live feed while his hands went at it, all the better for him.

But he wasn't sure that he could take much more of the agony that he was feeling of watching her day after day and not being able to touch her. While not watching her and going about his daily tasks would seem the obvious choice, he knew that he could never let the opportunity pass by him. It would be like opening a bottle of century old elf-made wine and pouring it down the drain. He couldn't do it. He couldn't exist knowing that she was near, happy, half naked and dripping wet. He could only watch.

Severus wasn't stupid. He knew that he had to content himself with this current choice of lifestyle, that even if he did have a bleed in his brain and decide to take a dive off the board into the pool, that he still wouldn't be able to touch her. Nothing meaningful, at least. Not in the way the he needed. He might still be able to touch her as the others could, gentle barely there accidental touches on typically thought of as normal, nonsexual patches of skin, but he knew that given the choice, given the time, given the permission, he would take his lips and his tongue and his teeth to every inch of her body and treat it as though it were something as sexual and as precious as her breasts or her lips or her nipples or her clit or her cunt. Hell, he didn't come close to having something that could be remotely considered a foot fetish, but he would give anything for five minutes alone with one of her toes. Her needed her. Needed to feel her. To taste her. To know her, to show her, to give her everything she wanted and more. His cock was so damn hard and he needed her and he was sure that it was killing him.

She was killing him. And fuck him if she wasn't so bloody gorgeous while she did it.

Everything also found on FFN. Some things also found on AO3.

[wilddragonflying]

Wild goes full-on conspiracy theorist

EVERYTHING IS CONNECTED

SERIOUSLY, EVERYTHING

AND IT STARTS

WITH THE EVANURIS AND THE FORGOTTEN ONES(IE POSSIBLY THE SCALED ONES)

This get really freaking long(like just under 3400 words long), so I’m going to put it under a cut to save your dashboards from being cluttered with my rambling

Okay so

Long ago(in a galaxy far far away), there was a land not yet called Thedas, but there was a war. Modern history has no name for this war, because it has been all but forgotten(for many reasons, one of which being it was so fucking long ago, but also racism because lbr most history is written by humans for the past couple of Ages), but it was fought between the ancient elves, led by the Evanuris, and those who would come to be known as the Forgotten Ones.

As the name implies, history has forgotten about the forgotten ones, but from the few lores mentioning them, we can conclude that they got their asses kicked and were driven from elven lands - quite possibly below ground, to become the Scaled Ones, who were seen and fought by the ancient dwarves.

Again, very little is known about the Scaled Ones, save that they were - obviously - scaled, able to see in very low levels of light, and quite stealthy; possibly a matriarchal society, as a couple of ancient dwarves managed to witness part of a ritual led by what appeared to be a female Scaled One.

Now, the Evanuris were, as explained by Solas in Trespasser, elves - but very powerful mages. They became generals during the war against the Forgotten Ones, and as time went on, they became revered more and more until they were considered gods.

They were not gods as in completely immortal and invulnerable to harm, but they - like the rest of the elves in the time before the Veil was erected - were immortal thanks to their connection to the Fade, which at the time permeated everything, rather than being kept separate.

This, quite obviously, went to every Evanuris’s head for quite some time - until, that is, Mythal was murdered.

“But!” I can hear you saying now, “Mythal was an immortal Evanuris!” Yes, yes she was - however, Solas himself says that she was murdered, and Flemeth, Mythal’s vessel(more on that later), says that Mythal was betrayed as she was betrayed.

Now, how could Mythal continue to live, even in fragments, after being murdered?

Because when she was murdered, it was her physical body that was destroyed, not her spirit. That lived on - though, I suspect, greatly weakened - and thus was able to later possess a being through that being’s connection to the Fade

Though being an Elven Goddess, one would think she would choose, you know

An elf

Now, here’s where we get to the interesting bit, where everything in just about every culture is related.

Namely, in this case, the elven history and the human history.

I’m talkin’ bout Andraste

What was her story?

Oh yeah; raised up to the level of Prophetess of the Maker(Bride of the Maker, she was called), betrayed by her human husband…

You see where I’m going with this?

Andraste=Mythal

Maferath, Andraste’s human husband=Elgar’nan, Mythal’s husband in elven lore, and one of her murderers, if Solas’s story in Trespasser is to be believed.

The Maker=One of the Forgotten Ones, and quite possibly Mythal’s lover

Oh yes, here’s where I start entering “crazy conspiracy theory” territory, but I have evidence!

Now, why was Mythal murdered, is the question? Well, here’s where we start really piecing together things from Inquisition. At one point, an elven Inquisitor has the option to ask Flemeth “why the fuck would Mythal choose you?” to which Flemeth responds with a rant, but the most important part of this rant is this: “She was betrayed, as I was betrayed, as the world was betrayed!”

We get it, lots of betrayal

Now what does this have to do with the “everything is connected” theory?

Flemeth was married to a Bann of long ago, and when she took a lover, her husband was - understandably - pissed. Flemeth and the poet she’d fallen in love with fled, and remained hidden for years, until they received word that Flemeth’s husband was dying and wanted to see his wife’s face one last time

I’d be suspicious, wouldn’t you? I mean come on, I’ve run out on the guy with someone supposedly younger than him, and I’ve been hiding from him for years; he’s dying, and now he manages to get in contact with me and wants to see my face one last time before he dies?

I don’t know about you, but I’d be thinking he wants to see my face so I can be in range of a hidden archer with a poisoned arrow, so he can have his final revenge

I wouldn’t go, is what I’m getting at, but for some reason, Flemeth went

So, apparently taking pity on the poor old Bann and believing that they couldn’t possibly be stupid enough to be caught in a trap, they went.

Spoiler alert: They were that stupid

Because as soon as they were in range, the Bann killed Flemeth’s lover and took her prisoner, trapping her in the highest room of the tallest tower of his castle, where she promptly went mad with grief and a desire for vengeance.

No points for guessing what happened next

She summoned a spirit - presumably by using blood magic or something suitably dramatic - and demanded vengeance. Here’s where I’m going to differ from the Legend of the Korcari Witches lore:

This spirit did not turn Flemeth into an abomination who then wreaked havoc on her husband and his men, slaughtering them all before vanishing into the woods to then take men prisoner and get daughters with them who would in turn take more prisoners for more daughters, and so on and so forth until some hero or other slaughtered them all - except for Flemeth.

No, what I propose instead falls more in line with what Flemeth rants about in Inquisition: Mythal, having waited for her chance to return to the mortal realm from where she had been inadvertently trapped along with the rest of the Evanuris, seized her opportunity to take a body for her own. She came into a world several centuries further along than when she had been forced to leave it, and without enough power of her own to truly possess Flemeth and take her body for herself, and so proposed an alliance: Mythal would help Flemeth get her vengeance on her traitorous husband, in return for Flemeth carrying Mythal, helping her to regain power to exact her own vengeance, for what happened to herself and the world.

Now here, “... as the world was betrayed” could mean one of two things, as I see it:

Theory 1: Mythal is referring to how the rest of the Evanuris betrayed the world they essentially ruled by allowing the people they ruled to turn other elves into slaves. Essentially, by allowing their heads to become so lodged up their own asses, egos inflated with the power they held and the reverence with which the rest of the elvhen treated them, the Evanuris betrayed the world they had once protected, presumably, from the Forgotten Ones.

Theory 2: Mythal is pissed at Solas for creating the Veil and essentially dooming the elvhen to the life they now live in the time of the Dragon Age games. Nomads or little better than slaves(or actual slaves, if they’re unfortunate enough to be born in/get too close to Tevinter), and had Solas not created the Veil and blocked the elves from the majority of their power, they would not have fallen to infighting

No, the elves did not fall to humans - Abelas says so himself: “We destroyed ourselves, long ago” and when you read through ancient Tevinter lore, even it agrees that while there were scattered groups of elves, the elves had seemingly destroyed themselves through infighting, presumably, after the disappearance of the Evanuris.

Personally, I believe that Theory 1 holds more weight; Solas fucked up, there’s no denying that, but was it truly a betrayal of the world? Reading through the lore offered in Trespasser, particularly the lore around the first location you come to, the forgotten vale in the mountains with the spirit guardians, I don’t think so. If the Evanuris had been allowed to continue, things could very well have turned out far worse for all of Thedas, not just the elves. Theory 1, however, also fits in with the claim that Flemeth and Mythal were betrayed in the same way: By those they once trusted as family. Solas implies in Trespasser that he and Mythal were close - we can see that for ourselves in the post-credits scene of the base game. However, while Mythal calls Solas “old friend”, the body language between the two appears much more like what one(or this one, at least) would expect to see of two people sharing a close familial relationship.

What exactly am I suggesting?

Well, during “What Pride Had Wrought,” if the Inquisitor brings Solas along to the Temple and asks him for his opinion on Mythal, Solas will state that she was much more than simply the goddess of justice or vengeance - that she was the mother.

What I am suggesting is that Mythal - the original Mythal, not the one she’s become after sharing centuries with Flemeth, who is most definitely the more dominant personality here - is Solas’s birth mother.

But who would be his father? I don’t believe it was Elgar’nan, mostly because of one simple fact:

Solas, as stated in a couple of pieces of lore, was welcomed among both Evanuris and the Forgotten Ones, who he also sealed away with the creation of the Veil.

I believe that Solas’s father was one of the Forgotten Ones.

Would that not be reason enough for the Evanuris to turn upon Mythal, if they discovered that she had carried on an affair with one of their enemies? A wounded Elgar’nan, who is stated to have one hell of a temper, would not be out of character to call for her head - or for the stripping of her spirit from her body. And the betrayal of his mother would be enough to push Fen’Harel into finally executing the plan he had been concocting, quite possibly for a very long time.

But what became of the Evanuris and the Forgotten Ones? Current elven lore states that Fen’Harel locked the Evanuris into the heavens, and the Forgotten Ones into the abyss, but… From Trespasser, we know for certain that the ‘heavens’ is merely the Fade - that by erecting the Veil, Solas managed to trap the Evanuris - or their consciousnesses and powers, at the very least - behind the Veil, while the Forgotten Ones had most likely already been banished by the Evanuris, at the conclusion of the war that led to the rise of the Evanuris in the first place.

But would Solas - enraged by the loss of his mother - settle for merely trapping the Evanuris physically in the Fade?

I think not.

No, I think that he trapped them the way that they had killed Mythal: By stripping their spirits from their bodies and trapping those behind the Veil.

But what was to become of the bodies left behind? Hidden by Fen’Harel and his agents, there were eight bodies that needed to be sealed away. And they were, deep within the earth, never to be seen again.

And then the infighting began, and the elven empire fell - to be discovered later by the humans of ancient Tevinter.

Humans who saw the records of powerful mages revered as gods, at least one of whom was strongly associated with dragons, and the humans took the records of the elven gods and made them their own. They gave them different names and shapes, but took them nonetheless. And when they discovered where the spirits of their gods were being held, they became determined to retrieve them.

However, the ritual went wrong, and instead unleashed a powerful tainted magic that would come to known as the Blight; those it corrupted became known as darkspawn, and were driven belowground, where they multiplied and spread, until they found one of the prisons that held the body of one of their gods - of one of the Evanuris - and corrupted it, changing its form and driving what was left of its original consciousness mad, transforming it into an Archdemon.

I will take a moment to note that, per the Dragon Age Wiki, David Gaider has hinted that this theory may be correct, but that the Old Gods may in fact be the Forgotten Ones. However, since there is no information available about the Forgotten Ones, certainly not enough to truly disprove this theory, I’m taking that with a grain of salt.

Now, Chantry lore states clearly that Andraste was betrayed and executed by Tevinter, however - the humans have already made it clear that they are more than willing to change or even erase history to fit their needs or wants.

Case in Point, per Jaws of Hakkon: the first Inquisitor, Ameridan. Nobody ever told you he was elvish until you came face to face with him, did they?

Therefore, could Andraste have truly existed as told in the tales, or - yet again - was the elven lore adapted to fit human desires?

The Cult of Andraste, that held the Urn of Sacred Ashes in Dragon Age: Origins, believed Andraste to be the High Dragon that had taken up residence on the mountain above Haven. Now that was probably just a regular old High Dragon, but why a dragon?

Hint: What Evanuris is explicitly related to dragons?

Hint #2: Starts with M, ends with -ythal

The Chantry speaks of Tevinter magisters starting the Blight and becoming the first darkspawn, which has been confirmed via Coryphshit. But, if the Archdemons and the blights are so bad, then why does Solas Greatly Disapprove of you saving the Wardens, not punishing them, even if you give the excuse that they were only tricked and were trying to do their job before they all, you know, died.

Because, I believe, that the Old Gods are his family. And he still holds out hope of perhaps one day redeeming them, perhaps reuniting with them, but even if not, then they are all that is left of his family, of his people. He makes it clear that he does not consider the elvhen of today his People, that he believes them little better than Tranquil.

Which brings me to the next point:

Dwarves.

Ah, dwarves. I love them, even if I don’t love how they’re animated when you play as one in either Origins or Inquisition.

Now, while I was talking with a friend, they brought up quite an interesting point: If, by being made Tranquil, human, elven, and even Qunari mages lose their emotions through loss of their connection to the Fade, then why do Dwarves, canonically stated to not have a connection to the Fade, and thus cannot be mages or dream, have all of their emotions and are - for lack of a better word - whole?

Because they were created by a different race of beings.

The Titans, I believe.

Dwarven religion centers around the Stone, which - so far as I can tell - has little to no similarity to any of the other religions of Thedas. That leads one to believe that thus, they must have had a different origin, and what do we learn in Descent?

That Dwarves were created by the Titans - or at least, the Titans consider the dwarves their children. The Titan disturbed by the Breach does not rest easy until it has established a connection with Valta, who then explains that it needed the connection as a reassurance.

In one of the Ancient Elven Writing codexes, there is a mention of the Evanuris and ancient elves preparing “to hunt the pillars of the stone”, and makes mention of how they have watched the workers scurry about as though mindless and witless; it makes clear their opinions of Dwarves, while also making clear that the Titans cannot be the Forgotten Ones. If the Titans and thus their children are not connected to the elves through the same creators, then they have no need of the Fade to survive as whole creatures.

There are also several statues of Mythal in the Deep Roads - there is a broken one in the Bastion of the Pure, during Descent, and while disrupting the mining organization, the Inquisitor comes across several statues of Mythal.

If the Inquisitor detours back to the now-submerged mines after gaining the next Anchor upgrade - Anchor Discharge - from the Shattered Library, they are able to destroy a blocked entrance to another eluvian, which leads to an elven ruin with a fresco depicting the death of a titan, confirming the possibility that Mythal was most likely responsible for the deaths of more than one Titan, whose corpse was then mined for lyrium.

Not much is truly known of dwarven history beyond a certain point, and the Titans were stricken from any record in the Shaperate during the First Blight. Conjecture states the Titans were the original children of the Stone, of the earth itself. What is known, however, is that the ancient elves were some of the first to use Titan blood - lyrium - to enhance their powers, though they eventually collapsed their own mines for fear of the power lyrium could grant. While regular lyrium has no effect upon dwarves, it does have an effect upon other races: It enhances their powers, most usually in connection with magic. For Templars, it grants them the ability to dampen the magic of others around them, and for mages, it replenishes and boosts their mana, allowing them to cast more powerful spells. But dwarves are not easily affected by even raw lyrium - it takes direct exposure, such as through the eyes, mouth, or an open wound, for lyrium to effect a dwarf. Attributed to generations of living near the mines for ages, surface dwarves are said to lose this resistance over time - but why would they be able to build up a resistance in the first place?

Because they share the blood of the Titans, because there is lyrium in their blood.

Not much is known about the Qunari in any form, either through codex entries or conversations, not enough to truly add a lot to this theory list, but from circumstantial evidence, the question must be raised: Are Qunari immune to the Blight?

We see no records of Qunari having a strong presence in any place affected by the Blight before Sten joins the Warden in Origins, and he gives no indication that the Qunari even have much information about the Blight. He does indicate that they do consider it a threat, but, well - if not stopped, the Blight will consume the entire world. Anyone with half a brain would consider that a threat.

However, if playing as a Qunari Inquisitor and speaking with a Kieran who possesses the soul of an Old God, he makes a comment about how “your blood doesn’t belong to you”, and even Bull suggests that there is a theory that somehow, the original Qunari - before they were the Qunari - had their blood mixed with a dragon’s.

Now, poking around Origins lore, apparently Broodmothers and Ogres are connected to female Qunari, which suggests that they aren’t completely immune to the blight.

However.

Dragons have the ability to slow the blight in their own bodies; if you recruit Frederick the researcher and do a specific war table mission with him, he will say that he has observed dragons a) avoiding red lyrium, and b) with cysts that appear to be blighted, suggesting that their bodies are able to entrap the blight within certain areas to slow and perhaps even prevent its spread.

If the Qunari have dragon’s blood in them, if that is what created the Qunari as we know them today, then it suggests that - even if not completely immune - the Qunari would be more than a little resistant to the blight.

This is all I have for the moment on my Dragon Age theories, but I’m sure I’ll eventually be adding more to it.

[zippdementia]

Part 56 Alignment May Vary: Interlude and Side Quest Suggestions

There is an uneasy feeling as the players stand next to the Ghost Lord in the Lion’s Maw. Where do we go from here? Tyrion, as usual, is the first to break the ice, and he does so bluntly:

“So, you gonna help us kick some ass on the horde now?”

The Ghost Lord laughs and tells the players that, no, he has no intention of joining their fight long term. “Guys like Nazragul, Acererak, they always want to take over the world,” he says. “And where does that get them? A lot of hassle and constant visits from adventurers and would-be do-gooders. Acererak can’t even stay on this plane of existence he has so many enemies. And Nazragul? He’s in a hole. I set my sights on simpler things. My experiments. Maybe being left alone isn’t a grand goal, but I’ll tell you, long after everyone else has died chasing their damned grand goals, I’ll still be here, laughing as I watch the world turn.”

The Ghost Lord does agree to help Nazragul reshape his soul jar into something more sensible than the giant mass of muscle and tissue and undead organs that is currently growing out of Lady Dagger’s tortured body in the Maaken Temple.

“He never was much of a craftsmen,” The Ghost Lord grouses.

So the party travels with the Ghost Lord back across the Thornwaste. With the Ghost Lord at their side the journey is quick. The land itself opens up before his passage, the myriad thorns and other hazards retreating at his approach. He truly is the master of this land.

At the edge of the Thornwaste the players come across a character they have not met since the early days of the campaign: Joachim, the elderly and mysterious Yellow Robed Elf. While the Ghost Lord and Trellara hang back, so as not to terrify the travelers, the three more normal companions (nevermind Tyrion’s blue skin) join Joachim and his troop of bodyguards at his fire and have a strange conversation with him. Joachim speaks directly to Aldric (when the knight takes a break from flirting with the female mercenary, who brushes him off by saying she’s been married for 367 years) who asks if the elf knows anything about the creature that attacked Adlric’s troop and whom he had tracked into the Thornwaste. 

Joachim does, in fact, know about it. It is a Behir, he tells Aldric, a creature that usually detests dragons yet for some reason is claiming to be the mother of the Dragonlord leading the Red Hand. This particular Behir is ancient, having plagued the Elsir Vale for a millenia. Whether Aldric will be the one to bring her down has not yet been seen in the stars.

Joachim also speaks to Nysyries, telling her that soon she will have to make a choice. She will know the moment when she is there and it will represent a cross roads in her life. What happens from that point forward will be up to her. They are cryptic words, and Nazragul shifts inside of her as they are spoken.

Finally, Joachim tells them that they are on the very edge of greatness, that there are three weapons very nearby that can be used to help them secure victory over the hoard. They used to reside in old Rhest and contributed to the land’s downfall in civil strife. He tells them that these weapons now reside with the dwarves in the southern mountains and that these weapons will be instrumental in fighting and defeating the Red Hand. With a flourish, he spreads a special powder into the fire and the flames rear up black and ominous as he looks at Aldric and speaks of the first weapon.

As Joachim speaks, the three grow more and more tired and suddenly realize that Joachim has placed a sleeping powder in the fire. The three pass out then awaken in the morning to find the others gone... except for one male mercenary left tied up like a hog for slaughter--a gift from Joachim to Nysyries, a gift that casts his alignment and goals in an even deeper mystery.

Setting the Side Quest: White Plume Mountain

The three weapons that Joachim tells them of are from White Plume Mountain.

One consistent problem with the original Red Hand of Doom module is its transitions between chapters. The best D&D adventures have either plot hooks that pull its character inexorably towards the next big thing after each chapter or have a hub city or NPC where more quests can be given. Red Hand has the problem of its hub city getting destroyed in the first chapter and, for the most part, of lacking compelling hooks. This problem is tied into the fact that every major adventure in the campaign is essentially a big side quest. Going to Rhest and going to the Ghost Lord’s lair does have an effect on the final battle and does bring players in direct conflict with their foe, the Red Hand, but it also leads to a dead end each time, always returning players to the “let’s get to Brindol” plot line afterwards. Because players know about Brindol from the start and don’t find out about this plan gradually, the plot can get a little stale as the main goal never changes. 

I didn’t notice some of these problems until recently. The campaign gets touted so often as one of the best that I went in with some blinders on. Also, it is constantly complained about for being too easy, a complaint that I took to heart in my redesign but one which I’m not sure I actually agree with any more. Or rather, I do think as built it is an easy campaign, but I also think that is part of what makes it work. I think this campaign is supposed to make the players feel like they are stomping through the horde at each turn, bringing down dragons and lieutenants of the horde. You can tell this was the intent because at each step of the way, players are punished for not doing this! If they aren’t aggressive enough, the horde marshals its full strength at the Battle of Brindol and is much harder to defeat. If you take these victories away from the players or make them too challenging, then what you end up with is a campaign where the players are doing things to systemically make the horde weaker, but they are not doing anything to make themselves feel stronger.

Some of the problems I mentioned with the campaign I’ve addressed. Nazragul’s Maakengorge became my stand-in hub to keep the story moving. And I’ve pretty much eschewed the in-book timer to countdown to the horde’s arrival at Brindol. It’s a cool idea, but there just isn’t enough exciting things to do in all the time the module gives you to make this work. Chasing the horde across the land discourages players from going to Rhest and the Thornwaste and isn’t very much fun besides, mostly a series of random encounters with the horde. So get rid of that time system and just go with “the horde travels at plot speed.”

The one problem I didn’t address, and in fact probably contributed to creating, was the feeling of player weakness. Red Hand doesn’t need to be harder. At least pieces of it don’t. The Ghost Lord should be near impossible to fight. And taking on the whole horde at once should be a death sentence. Doing stupid things in Rhest and bringing the whole place down on you should be a bad idea. But the rank and file should feel easy and the lieutenants and dragons should be defeatable. It’s not individual encounters like this that are impressive about the horde: it’s their sheer size. Let the players feel like they are way above these fights but anytime they get close to the main army, its sheer size should turn them away. That’s when you shouldn’t be afraid to throw six chimera and two dozen hobgoblins at them (buff their health and proficiencies here if you need to to make them a bigger threat).

In any case, it’s not like my campaign has been a failure because of this. The players respect the horde and they’ve become good villains for them, too. They are really eager to defeat them at Brindol and I’m very much looking forward to that clash. We’ve also got to have some very tactical battles because of the challenge and some incredible close calls, like Nysyries blowing up the bridge. But because of the difficulty I made the campaign overall, it’s time to give the players something back, to make them feel like more than pawns on this chess board. They should at least be rooks *wink*

To that end, one final side quest before Brindol is in order. And the dwarves make a great catalyst for it. Honestly, I was surprised when the original module didn’t offer up the Dwarves in the Wyvernwatch mountains as a side quest post-Thornwaste. I literally thought I was missing a piece of the book. The mountains are right next to the Thornwaste and the Dwarves have already been given a plot hook back in the Witchwood where the payment for their services as mercenaries to Brindol had been waylaid. I thought that plot hook would be followed up by a short Dwarven adventure later on, maybe something that involved delving deep into the mountain to kill a Dragon and seize its treasure or recover some material to help the dwaves forge a mighty weapon to fight the Horde.

What I’m basically saying is that you should add a dwarven adventure into your own campaign at this point in the campaign. It’s too good of an opportunity to flesh out the world and as a story beat it creates a wonderful mirror of the “ally gathering” that happened in Rhest. That was an elvish adventure, now they get a dwarven adventure. If the players manage to recruit both races to the cause than it feels like a true alliance of good vs. evil, where all races have put aside their differences to face the Red Horde. It really builds up that final confrontation well!

As far as actual adventures go, make up your own if you’d like, or select something appropriate from the plethora of choices in DnD’s back catalog or from third-party creators on DMs Guild. Some suggestions include:

Anything from a suitable adventure’s league. These adventures are always easy to fit into any campaign. Just find one of the appropriate level that interests you and *bam* you have a two to three hour session ready to go. You can easily change major NPCs to dwarves and the location to match the Wyvernatch.

Glitterdoom, from Goodman Games. It’s a nice little Dwarven mine adventure. You’ll probably have to change out some of the encounters to make it level appropriate, though: it’s too easy at level 3.

Forge of Fury, from Tales of the Yawning Portal, especially if your party is a little bit less leveled than mine. You might still have to bump up some encounters to match the challenge you want, but this is a perfectly themed adventure.

A side quest from Rise of Tiamet. That book is basically made up of side adventures, just grab one that feels good and change the setting and NPCs to dwarves. It’s already dragon-themed and is basically the redux of Red Hand of Doom already. They should already be pretty much level appropriate.

For myself, I chose White Plume Mountain from Tales of the Yawning Portal. I think it is the perfect side quest for this campaign and we will get into why, and some of the changes I’ve made to it, next time.

Other suggestions are welcome, for good side adventures! Just post a reply. I’m always looking for good side adventures.

[daimeshadows]

6, 8, 13, 14, 20, 23

THANK YOU ANON!!! *HUGS*I don't know if this was meant for Mareloen or Daime incarnation, so I'll do both. Daime6) Has your OC changed/grown over time? If so, what can you say about their development? Has he or she changed for the better, or for the worse?As in development or as a person?As a char Daime simply started out as a complete opposite of Ethel (main blog muse) - in appearance and personality - dark hair, green eyes, great as his job, extremely secretive and possessing absolutely no people or conversation skills, awkwardly silent, dangerous and probably not a good guy..... But the more RP time he got the more his hidden character surfaced - awkward turned to painfully shy, the lack of conversation skills - into almost a phobia of talking to people and being rejected, being a bad person - the willingness to make hard decisions and occasionally committing mistakes while having the right reasons and his family's best interests at heart. As a person - this is very verse dependant. Other characters tend to affect him greatly. In all verses, Daime tries to overcome himself. Sometimes I end up with a sweetheart who will watch your back, take care and cook dinner for you, but other times he's turned into a murderous bastard with a great mind for tactics and warfare. However, he always does seem to believe he's doing the right thing. 8) Does your OC have any phobias? If so, why did you choose to give them those phobias?Daime has odd flashbacks that he cannot explain ( Memories of a previous incarnation) and he fears he is going MAD. Sometimes his "insights" are of great value, other times - get him into huge trouble. The latter happens mostly with his clan and other people, so Daime really believes he cannot trust himself. He has never admitted this ( not that I can recall anyway), because as a child he had witnessed a mercy killing of a clansman that had gone insane and became a threat to others. Flashbacks can sometimes be triggered by things related to ancient elves, so he is slightly terrified of going anywhere near elvhen ruins.He is also terrified of being rejected by his family.... and any girl he likes. XD13) Are there any canon characters you would love to see written with your OC, but you haven’t yet or cannot find a mun who writes that character?I love to RP with both Canon and OC's and welcome anyone who'd like to rp with arms wide open. I believe there is great potential in any combination as long as people are willing to plot. Keep in mind - that tumblr is evil and message me if you'd like to rp or it's taking me forever to reply - I might be either busy or simply do not know it's my turn ( or lost the thread)14)What is your OC’s darkest secret and why does he or she choose to keep it a secret?- Killing the first of his clan so that his sister - Ethel- wouldn't get sent away ( not that it helped in the end) He also managed to make things look like humans did it. - Working as an assassin and agent for Leliana - he would die of heart attack if his family ever found out because he is absolutely sure they would reject him that instant, even though he's doing it in hopes of finding his sister through Leliana's connections.20)What is one regret your OC has, or what is something about which he or she feels incredibly guilty?- Killing the clan's former first is a big one. - Not being there when Ethel left. Not managing to track her down before she reached the humans and gathering his courage to walk into a human settlement for three weeks and comepletely loosing any trace of her.23)Does your OC have any pets, or does he or she love any particular species of animals? Are there any animals he or she hates? If so, why?Daime owns a hart named Padfoot - a large steed that was considered "stupid and difficult" due to being large and spooking a lot before ending up in the elf's hands.Padfoot develops into a very sweet animal that is much more outgoing than his owner. He likes animals and secretly feels a little pinch of guilt while shooting his dinner. He will not admit it, because it would sound absurd to any of his clansmen. Mareloen6) Has your OC changed/grown over time? If so, what can you say about their development? Has he or she changed for the better, or for the worse?Mareloen started off as an AU, but quickly stole my heart away. Again - he starts out as horrible but then uncovers his reasons for being what he is. Like being pro-slavery roots in freeing someone he held dear and failing to protect them when they refused to listen - " some are not meant for freedom".Being downright harsh on a person - is often a way of trying to do what's in the persons best interest. Arrogance ... well, maybe he's earned his right for that.A horrible reputation ( in ancient times) - an attempt to keep people away because he is a dark empath and it is quite exhausting to keep strong wards up all the time. Crowds tire Mareloen and give him a headache. 8) Does your OC have any phobias? If so, why did you choose to give them those phobias?Loss is a major issue. After witnessing his mother's murder at an early age (feeling everything as an empath) and his entire world falling apart, Mareloen is terrified of losing loved ones. Several more incidents in his adult life convince him it is better not to get attached. Though it is canon for Despair to have had a friend he absolutely cherished - Darkness and he is devastated in a verse where he does not know her fate or find that she has perished.Generally being a dick and keeping his own interests in mind ( and those of a vast amount of his people - his slaves) 14)What is your OC’s darkest secret and why does he or she choose to keep it a secret?Mareloen will never admit how other's dark and negative emotions affect him not to show weakness. He will not admit crowds tire him, slowly growing irritable and moody instead. He's got quite a bit of blood on his hands, but only because he's actually quite ancient. One of his darkest secrets... is that he is in fact not as horrible as his reputation - a great deal of effort is put into upholding the whole "doom and gloom" facade. In a good mood, he may actually make you cocoa...20)What is one regret your OC has, or what is something about which he or she feels incredibly guilty?Failing to protect people he cared about. Putting people at risk by letting them into his life. 23)Does your OC have any pets, or does he or she love any particular species of animals? Are there any animals he or she hates? If so, why?Loss issues apply here as well, so Mareloen sticks to his demons - getting attached to his Despairs, Desires, Prides, etc... Being able to control them - helps. He will never put one of his demons at risk if he can help it.