#such an INSANE fucking parallel. if you would have told me this would have happened and all the things leading up to it

[dreamaboutwhathappens]

truly starting off this leg of the tour the way it should have the first time — confident and surrounded by people who love her :)

[grimalkinmessor]

The parallels between Tsubomi and Reigen drive me so fucking insane you have no idea like—that shit had to be at least SOMEWHAT intentional even if not in a specifically romantic way.

For one, Tsubomi and Reigen are two of the only few people that call Shigeo "Mob" consistently. (Yes Tome also calls him Mob eventually but she starts out calling him Kageyama-kun and likely picks up "Mob-kun" from Inukawa or Reigen later on). We don't know how Reigen started calling Shigeo "Mob", though we can assume that Tsubomi was likely part of the group of kids that originally misread Shigeo's name as Mobbu to begin with so she's less of a mystery on that front. Maybe Reigen saw it written on his backpack or his shirt tag and started calling him that too, or maybe Mob even just told him that that's what everyone else called him and was what he prefered to be called at the time. Either way, it's a little odd that Reigen's one of the only people who use that nickname when we don't really get a reason why beyond "it can also be read like this", especially since Reigen is a grown man with (presumably) full literacy of kanji and would know how to read it.

Then there's the other obvious parallel that's made in the show; how Tsubomi and Reigen treat Mob. How they see his powers. They're not special, they're just a part of him. Nothing to be scared of—even though they kind of,,,,are lmao. The fact that Tsubomi continues to sit in the park even though a literal hurricane is approaching because she thought Mob sounded upset on the phone happens at the same time Reigen goes sprinting full-tilt into said hurricane because Mob is in trouble always stands out to me. It's less obvious than Mob's own words: "She never treated me any differently because of my powers" "Master never treated me any differently..."—but it's still a pretty blatant parallel to me.

Not to mention that both Reigen and Tsubomi's personalities are actually very similar as well! They're both described as people that hide behind a mask, a facade, while still being brutally stubborn. If Tsubomi doesn't want to do something, she's not gonna do it. While Reigen is more laid back because he's used to getting his hands dirty for work (money), he's still very stubborn himself when he doesn't wanna do something. He'll find a way to wriggle out of it and talk circles around you if you let him. Dimple even says that Tsubomi is the type of person who can't be swayed by words or peer pressure. She and Reigen were actually, again, two of the only people brainwashed through airborne Vibes™ instead of through food like everyone else. The biggest difference between them on this is that while Reigen lies fairly blatantly, Tsubomi seems to only lie through omission. Tsubomi is more of an introvert too, compared to Reigen's extrovert (though you could argue that both of them are good with people, with the only difference being that Reigen enjoys being the center of attention while Tsubomi presumably does not).

Plus they're both pretty goofy too once you think about it lmao. They're both prideful and hate to be humiliated, but they also care a lot about their public image and how people perceive them. Every time the scene with Tsubomi and her friends outside cleaning up leaves comes up, her expressions and panic always remind me of Reigen. And then there's Mob, calm and unjudgemental, willing to help her with no questions asked. Mitigating her humiliation, just like he does for Reigen :)

Another thing that always strikes me is how Mezato says, "If you can accept her for who she really is..." followed by Reigen's echo during his confession: "This is who I really am". Mezato essentially tells Mob that Tsubomi isn't who she seems on the outside and that if he wants to be accepted by her, he needs to also be ready to accept her as well. Which, we don't get to see much of Tsubomi's life outside of Mob—wow just like Reigen—so we don't ever really know who she is beyond that outer mask, but we see her slowly opening up to Mob later, as a friend. But the fact that Reigen's own confession mirrors Mezato's words to Mob about him accepting Tsubomi always makes me vibrate in place a little like,,,Confession Arc my beloved 🙏

I don't know man, there's just so much there, it makes my head spin. I could go on and on about it but I better cut myself off because if I don't I'll start crawling on the walls going feral about it because what, what was the point of this if not to make it clear that the relationship between Mob and Reigen is supposed to parallel his relationship with Tsubomi like what do you MEAN—

[blindmagdalena]

Hello!

Wonderful "Eat Your Ego, Honey" got me wondering:

what would happen if Homelander was interested in a stripper?

She's known for her dancing and, he sensed, her secret superpower/-s. Would he be furious that a girl dances in front of some "dirty" men? Would he torture her for being afraid of him? Would he be uncomfortable with the smell of her sweaty body?

I literally see scene of meeting: she's dancing to gothic metal in the dim lights of the room; Homelander is freaking out, jealous and horny (because he feels like she's having a blast dancing).

Thanks for your fanfics, I adore it! Because of your headcanons I fell in love with Homelander and decided to watch the series...

anon. the absolute RABBIT HOLE you sent me spiraling down with this ask is genuinely insane. firstly tho, thank you!! i'm so happy you enjoy my work and have been inspired to watch the show! i hope you love it as much as i did.

okay, now, onto the meat of this. i can't imagine Homelander ever being in a strip club, but i absolutely can see Vought having a dancer supe who performs at shows! and then i started thinking about what kind of powers she might have.

(this got long. strap in.)

and okay. bear with me here. i have the FAINTEST memory of a kids show (something like goosebumps or are you afraid of the dark) where they told a monkey-paw type story of a girl who wished that everyone would like/love her. and of course this turned out to be a fucking nightmare. people were obsessed with her automatically to a scary degree and she was eventually swarmed and maybe killed by the aggression of the adoring crowd? i don't remember.

but that made me think about her power being something of that nature. a chemical that compels people to adore her. when she sweats, and that sweat evaporates off of her skin, it fills the air people in the vicinity inhale it. it's what makes her dances so incredibly popular! but too much exposure to her powers can cause, uh... scary side effects in people. make them deranged. obsessive.

she hates it. it's destroyed all the relationships in her life. it's pretty much inevitable that she'll eventually effect the people around her, and it either freaks them out to the point they break contact with her or creates a completely inauthentic infatuation with her. it's impossible for her to know if anyone actually likes her, or if they're just under the influence of her powers.

she, like Homelander, would know what it's like to be "loved" in the most hollow sense of the word.

how cut to Homelander who's present at one of these shows where she's dancing and oh my god something smells incredible. downright intoxicating. it calls to every fiber of his being and he follows the scent of it until he's close enough to the stage, and it shocks him to his core to realize it's a person.

except! Homelander is so fucking chock full of V himself that he's not wholly affected by her... idk, pheromones? whatever you want to call her aura of effect. but he IS intrigued by it. by her. by the way her body moves and how she seems to have cast a SPELL on the entire audience.

he expects he'll be able to get a chance to speak with her after the performance, but bafflingly, she gets the FUCK outta there as soon as her set is done. naturally he has to follow!!!!

and okay i just had so many ideas for this! i even thought of One Single Friend she has who's a fellow supe and, due to his own powers, he's immune to her effect. i haven't figured out how exactly. maybe he doesn't breathe the way normal humans do. or he has some kind of innate filtration that makes him immune to gasses and things. his supe name is something stupid like... The Filtrator.

speaking of which her supe name would probably be like. Enchantress. something that alludes to the charming effect she has. but her friend knows how her powers work and he playfully calls her The Perspiren. perspiring siren. 😭😂

anyways i think they could have a lot of really interesting parallels! and of course Homelander would be intensely possessive of her, but he's also a HUGE exhibitionist and i think he would get off on knowing how badly everyone wants someone that's his.

he wouldn't ever physically hurt/torture her, but he would of course become violent if his possession of her were challenged or threatened in any way. if anyone touched what's his, or presumed they could take her. anyone she showed interest in would definitely wind up dead.

can you tell that i thought WAY too hard about this.

idk if i would make this an oc or a reader fic. i feel like this could definitely work for my first proper supe!reader fic! it's got a ton of potential. thanks so much for sending this!

[whoreiorcats]

…Helena Eagan for the ask…

oop! akkkhayyy

My Helena Eagan opinions:

How I feel about this character: this is such a loaded question.... ok so ... i HATED HER for most of s2. i mentioned this earlier but the way she is performed literally triggers something in me. her whole deal, the deception, the entitlement, the all of it really REALLY did not sit well with me. I think it still doesn't? (THIS IS A GOOD THING. THIS IS AN INDICATION OF HOW DEEP BRITT LOWER'S ACTING ABILITY IS) I don't really rewatch the first half of s2 so who knows how I would feel going back. It took Gemma parallels for me to actually start liking her. I should say tho, even when I "didn't like" helena... i was completely obsessed with her. like insane elaborate self ship oc. so never accuse me of not caring about helena or not getting her, i do fucking get her i got her from the beginning, it just was a journey. i think the way a lot of her fans talked about her and about gemma also made it very hard for me to get into her as well, which is really sad, fandoms should not make it harder to like a show/its best characters. whatevs. NOWADAYS! I like her :3

All the people I romantically ship with this character: OHH YOU KNOWWWWWWW. Gemhelena until the day I die. and if im being real nothing else (unless you want to hear my evil het sev rarepairs and I promise you, you dont) also Ms Casey!

My non-romantic OTP for this character: Her and Irving if a platonic otp is allowed to also be evil. Like, the fact that he worshipped her bloodline as an innie and is trying to destroy her company as an outie. the fact that he gives her every fucking chance to prove him wrong. that maybe it was his fixation on the handbook and the eagans before that gave him the edge in figuring out that she wasn't helly. that she desired his approval but also can't accept his paternalism. that she could have told him the truth (helly's truth) in the tent and i guarantee he would have believed her long enough for cold harbor to be completed. but she couldn't, she had to stare him down, to try to intimidate him, to avoid his questions in a way she just cant with her own father. that he almost drowns her and she maybe possibly arranges for him to not be killed (was it a shot in the dark choosing burt to drive him out there? was it out of the belief that irving would trust burt after meeting him once? WHYYYYY)

My unpopular opinion about this character: its not crazy to not be able to gel with this character because she sexually assaulted someone that is a pretty fair line to draw. that is not how i feel but i also don't want her to be absolved of it. I don't want mark to "forgive" her. I don't want it to be brushed away as like, idk, anything other than what it was. i think she is a nuanced character and may in fact be the only conduit via which a conversation about this topic could be mildly rational even tho it rarely is (she is a white woman, of any sex/race combo she is catching the least flack for this, lets all be serious). this is the biggest sticking point in her character for me. I don't think the tent scene was unnecessary, i think it was utterly vital, but it was sexual assault. just because it wasn't outright violent doesn't mean its not. just because the victim was a man and the perpetrator was a woman does not mean its not. its really sad we're still having this level of discourse on the fucking woke mob website. I feel like im going to have to resign myself to this tho if i want to keep watching the show because i have this sneaking suspicion the show will do everything i just said above andddd what the fuck am i to do about that?

One think I wish would happen/had happened with the character in canon: i think she and gemma should fuck i think helena and gemma should have sex i really believe that they should scissor/munch/bang i think this is the only way forward no im not fucking joking do i sound like im joking?????

[beanghostprincess]

there's just something so inherently poetic and romantic about zoro's devotion to luffy during all of wano that makes me go completely insane.

he sees luffy for the first time in like a week, which might not seem much but for them, who are used to feeling each other's presence all the time and did not have a good experience with being separated, it's torture to not be together. so of course they go all happy, kicking their feet and blushing when they reunite. then his captain is like "hey, this is tama. tama is our friend now" and zoro takes it extremely seriously and protects that random kid he has no connection to because luffy says so and, well, because she's just a kid and everything, but still i think zoro instantly accepting to adopt tama is really cute.

zoro acts like luffy's enabler during this arc, because his captain might do the most impulsive and reckless shit, and the dude will support him to death. even when he's just competing against kid and law to see who's stronger (or the dumbest), luffy is the most serious he's ever been here. of course, zoro has some moments of "okay, gotta stop this idiot" but it turns out zoro is fucking stupid too, and getting into a fight in the middle of a party while you look for your captain is just,,, so them.

and all of this is just silly moments that make you think "oh, okay, zoro is whipped, yes. we already knew that". but then he pulls the most romantic and poetic things we've ever witnessed in anime history and honestly, i fucking lose it every time he does things like this.

drake goes to them and asks if he can be on their side (btw dude could have just told luffy he knew koby somehow but okay) and zoro instantly goes 'protective first mate' mode and says "haha no the fuck you're not. disloyal people are the worst and you'll always be like that. once you betray someone there's no going back" which is something i love about zoro because, even if from his perspective drake was actually a member of kaido's crew and they're supposed to be the bad guys, zoro respects loyalty so fucking much that he doesn't care whose side are you on as long as you have your priorities and beliefs on the right place. i find that beautiful, especially knowing what comes next.

zoro is gifted a sword that theoretically could cut hell, to then being then perceived as the king of hell for the same reason, and then actually going to the battlefield and referring to it as hell itself because they're fighting to death against two emperors and saying "if you're sending our captain to hell, you'll have to take me with him" because he would quite literally go to hell for luffy. and then the guy goes and tells law "hey, this is going to hurt like a bitch and i might probably die. if that happens, you know, just take care of the rest because luffy trusts you too" and he goes and awakens his conqueror's haki without even meaning to and not even giving a single fuck when kaido tells him because his only ambition and will at the moment is protecting luffy and fighting for him. that, and also the countless times he saves luffy without hesitation during this fight, which are too much to remember but i swear every time he gets in between one of kaido's attacks and luffy, my heart does a backflip and i die. and also, the gentleness in which zoro treats luffy when he can't fight. the way he protects him when luffy puts all of his undying trust on zoro. they make me go wild.

the fact that luffy is constantly saying in this fight (and always, of course) that he's going to be the pirate king and showing it clearly with all of his parallelisms to roger, and then zoro pulling things that make him quite obviously the king of hell, just makes the whole "captain and first mate" thing seem so little for what they actually are. because we have 3 different couples of this kind in this story, and nobody compares to these two, because they're not just a captain and his first mate, they're literally kings. and i haven't watched more (i'm on episode 1030 if you're curious, uta time!) but i'm so excited to see how this develops. especially knowing the religious undertones behind whatever the fuck gear fifth is supposed to be (except for a lil cute and powerful af looney tune).

[pizzagame4000]

NOISETTE THEMED DOODLE DUMP ft. cheesecake and the spouses

copious hazel headcanons under the cut because i can’t help myself

first off: her name is Hazel 👍🏻 ik that’s a common one but it’s literally perfect… canon info to me

her favorite thing to do, besides making experimental food, is actually exercising! she’s an incredibly skilled acrobat and stunt artist, so she needs to be fit for that, but she also just enjoys letting the excess energy out bc she gets really cranky otherwise. she’s toned af and could wipe the floor with you - she doesn’t go around picking fights for no good reason, but if she did… heehee

she has such an unending well of passion for all of her interests that some find her to be too much but she dgaf… she’s unabashedly autistic and does NOT care if you don’t want to hear her infodump about obscure cheeseslime genetics, she will do it anyways

i like to think that, although she is very bubbly, she has an insane morbid streak that catches people off guard. she loves talking about anatomy and gross-out subjects to anyone who can stomach it, and cracks the most fucked up jokes - it’s one of the reasons her and noise get along so well. she is thinking about blood and guts because she thinks it’s interesting!!!! she will give you hyperspecific graphic threats of violence if you make her mad!!! teehee!!

i would put her at like… chaotic neutral but leaning towards good. she has an almost scientific fascination with violence and seeing what kinds of stress a body can take, and doesn’t mind watching shit unfold instead of helping… unless something actually super fucked up is going on (like way past canon typical pizza tower violence), she’s not going to bat for you lol she’s gonna grab a camera and clipboard

her interest in anatomy branches out into a love for biology, medicine and health in general - as much as she loves watching her boyfriend beat the shit out of some chump on live tv, she also loves studying how different creatures work and how to treat injuries. she almost became a doctor! but she didn’t like the rigid schedule and pressure, so she fostered her interest in dance and gymnastics, and went into television as a stunt double instead. that’s actually how she met noise! that’s why they look so much alike - she was told to inquire NTV for a job because of the resemblance. noise thought she was so cool she was asked to be his co-star instead, and they’ve been inseparable ever since.

sometimes she gets tired of the noisette persona, but she does genuinely like theo, so it’s hard. she’s been more busy with this NTV gig (that’s looking more like a full blown career) than she would like, so that’s why she opened her cafe - to do something else for once dammit!! she likes weird shit, food included!!!

i have two shipping scenarios i like, so consider these parallel universes - hazel x vigi, and hazel x vigi x noise

if you don’t like negative takes on the noise relationship i’d recommend skipping to 2 ^_^

1. her relationship with noise deteriorates bc noise can’t accept the fact that hazel doesn’t wanna be noisette all the time! they’re so busy, he barely even makes time for her anymore - he barely even tolerates her! it’s not until vigi comes into the picture that she realizes she doesn’t have to deal w that mess. but it sucks cuz noise isn’t just her bf, but also like!!! a big part of her career!!! and she does genuinely love him but he’s just!!! an uncommunicative ass!!! it culminates in hazel leaving him and crashing at vigi’s farm because fuck it, it’s her life she does what she wants. she will kiss the cheese AND rebuild her tv career, on her own terms this time baybee

2. noise and hazel still have that issue but they actually communicate like adults and fix their relationship problems, so none of that shit happens! happy ending! hazel has her own life and theo actually lets his gf know he loves her! woah! enter vigi, in: “we saw you across the bar and we really dig your vibe…” imagining vigi as a third to hazel and theo, completely out of his depth but too bisexual to care, is SO funny to me lol… like hazel and him are probably the only two together at first but over time he and theo warm up to each other more (gay intent) and it’s perfect

[tanukitsuneko-suki]

build episode 39 thoughts:

- grr…okay…i have to admit, the bat wings look sick af

- i love banjo have i told you guys that

- “the future you want to build is gone!” second build pun over here. let’s speedrun this to get 10 more before the series ends

- i miss sento man… bring him back

- katsuragi’s hardass stare at banjo while he’s acting like a dumbass 😭 yall think he saw sento’s diary/research files waxing poetic abt this guy and thought “man you’re into him???”

- mmm ❤️ i don’t like my son getting all these evolto memory snippets 🥰 if it’s a parallel between sento facing katsuragi’s past and banjo facing evolto’s past and having to reconcile that they are the same person but ultimately different and that it’s not their histories but the choices they make that define who they are as a person i am eating my socks

- GUYS

- DON’T CALL HIM A NUISANCE THAT IS YOUR BOYFRIEND 😭

- “i will complete this ultimate item and defeat evolto.” katsuragi’s only goal is to defeat evolto and if killing banjo would contribute to that goal..ohh…auuuuuu…OUHGGHHHHHHHHHH yeah haha that’s probably not gonna happen and i am overthinking

- “…and banjo ryuga as well” well that was fucking quick. the boomerang had a short trip of 0.53 seconds

- 🚬🚬 sigh

- “we should end him before he awakens as evolto” LEAVE HIM ALONEEEEEEE EVOLTO ALREADY NICKED HIS DNA FROM HIMMMMMMM STOPPPPPP HAJIMAAAA 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

- kazumin…you are a princess to me too

- utsumi looking lowkey insane but if there’s a reveal that he’s playing even evolto i would go feral as shit

- would be funny if evolt is defeated partially because utsumi just wants a nice retirement plan

- ah well nevermind

- can you stop dragging banjo’s name in here omfg katsuragiii 😭😭

- “when he’s not around i can’t help but get all worried”

- gentoku’s redemption arc..Wao…….

- that gay strut 😭😭 SENTO

- “why are you here” “not to save you” BRO

- katsuragi..the way he speaks is always so polite. ALSO HIS MOM. SHE REALLY ISN’T GONNA SHOW UP ANYMORE?? WE NOT VISITING HER?????

- katsuragi you gotta let banjo use it…that’s you guys’ love child

- okay. banjo’s gonna jump in front of sento to save him. i’m so sure

- YAYYYYY

- I CAN’TTTTTT KATSURAGI’S 😐 FACE AS BANJO TELLS HIM HE CAN’T USE THE POWERS BECAUSE HE’S NOT REQUITING THE FEELINGS IS SENDING MEEEEEEE

- banjo ryuga….sasuga best heroine desu

- sento you can NOT be remembering your memories because you’re watching banjo almost die from injuries. you’re never beating the allegations at this rate 😭😭

- THIS FUCKING MONTAGE HELP 😭😭😭😭

- third build pun

- :DDDDDD HELLO SENTO!!!!! WELCOME BACK!!

- BANJO’S PRECIOUS SMILE AAAAAHHHHHHH

[thundercest]

I neeeeeed to hear your thoughts on the latest episode because that was a LOT

I was trying to gif it today for the max and phoebe 'in every episode' series and I've come to the conclusion that I'm STILL not over it.

this episode was INSANE. It's my favorite episode of the season so far but we do still have a long way to go so! either way I'm really excited to see what else they have in store for us! and if it's anything like the last two episodes I think we're gonna be in for a wild ride!! (affectionate)

but let's break it down, shall we? prepare for a long review underneath the cut!

the scene where max and phoebe are watching chloe, jinx and booch from the kitchen nearly destroyed me and that was only the beginning of the episode! I love, love, love the way they look like actual proud parents watching their daughter having her first movie night. It was so adorable and heartwarming! chloe shooing them away like a true teenager who just wants to hang with her friends was great! but max and phoebe leaving TOGETHER, with the candy, to go upstairs?? and DO WHAT? netflix and chill?

the conversation that ensues between them and the parents of jinx and booch felt so real in the way it showcases that they really are just a young couple that's still trying to figure things out. if you'd told me in that moment they were chloe's parents, I would have believed you. It's honestly no wonder some of the kids watching the show were confused by it! and I've mentioned it before but I love that we get to see the learning curve that is parenting and the way max and phoebe will slowly find their own way in it! It's just wild to me that we started with these two little fifteen year olds that were constantly trying to get on each others nerves and now get to watch them be a team and raising a kid together. (my HEART!)

the lore of the hero league having a lunar space base was something I was not expecting but it sounds amazing and I'm kind of hoping they might expand on it because it would be a really cool addition in the universe of the thundermans.

seeing hank and barb acting as max and phoebe was so weird and funny!! (in a good way!) I think chris and rosa did a great job acting as kira and jack to resemble max and phoebe. there were so many moments in this episode where I actually laughed out loud or just had this huge smile on my face, it was great!

BUT the highlight of the episode has to be kira and jack acting as hank and barb inside max and phoebe's bodies! I think there was a sound coming out of the back of my throat that should have never seen the light of day during the scene depicted below lmao. I CANNOT get over it.

the way she leans into him, her hands on his shoulder?? the way he turns towards her, HOLDING HER HANDS?? I'm sorry i just I love these two so much! their chemistry is insane and it's crazy that even when they're playing different characters you can just FEEL it.

they were also just so cute as hank and barb! they seemed really giddy and animated! AND THE WAY THEY WERE STANDING WHEN THEY SWITCH BACK?? why was his arm wrapped around her lmao?? i'm telling you this is the first step to hank and barb accepting it when max and phoebe start dating. BYE.

and ofc, max and phoebe's twin power making a reappearance was great! it still makes me laugh to be honest, because you can't tell me it isn't the same thing that happened to their parents when they first kissed, and it's just so funny to me that nickelodeon kind of unintentionally made them soulmates in canon. but it was fun to see it return and I'm hoping we get to see more of it in the future! (if only just to see them hold hands lol)

there were definitely some parallels made between hank and barb and max and phoebe in this episode, which was so much fun to see! (they're all chaotic as fuck lmao) and there was something very domestic about max mentioning it's even worse when hank flies through the roof of his own house. that was a moment where I really went; 'damn, they've grown so much!' they have a house and their own family now with chloe!🥺 It's sweet!

[pennkquest]

Welcome to the first of several Sam/Milo posts! /lh

Let's start simple with the overall dynamic notes (under the cut because it's gonna be lengthy /lh)

-Pairing Adjustment: Milo/SH + Sam/Darlin —> Milo/Sam + SH/Darlin (This is tailored heavily towards my listener OCs ssssssh /lh)

-Milo and SH have a brief (physical) situation of sorts around the end of the shade case, but ultimately decide to be friends instead

-Milo brings SH around the pack for one reason or another, which is how them and Darlin end up meeting. They have a slow burn but like *slow* burn ‘cause they’re meeting before the Quinn stuff really pops off

-When the Quinn stuff *does* happen and Darlin leaves, Milo ends up getting a bit of info on Quinn from David, SH, or both, and he starts going around and trying to find the fucker that fucked with one of his closest friends.

-The timing of Milo and Sam meeting (in my vision) coincides closely with A) the audio where Milo talks about being teased/belittled by the pack and B) Fred and Bright’s turning. This is very very important because:

-In my heart of hearts, *Milo and Sam have such a visceral first meeting* (/lh). Early them is so full of sass and bite and snarky attitude, which is amplified by them both being stressed/pushed to a point. I’m imagining them getting into it badly enough that they’re yelling/fussing to the point that another vampire at the estate is like “What is happening out there—” (Timeline wise, that’s around early Nov. 2020 iirc)

-Have I mentioned the sass and bite? *Because it really is one of my favorite things about these two together.* Like imagine Sam making a sarcastic jab at Milo with a smirk, only for Milo to later return it with an “I told you so” and middle finger? It’s so fun

-Something I’ll expand upon later is Milo’s dynamic with Fred and Bright and how that influences this pairing. Besides me thinking Milo would call Sam out for being a hardheaded piece of shit when it comes to those two, I’ve quickly become attached to the idea that Bright specifically could reach out to Milo to talk. My version of Fred and Bright have a kind of tense relationship until right before/around the start of Inversion, and Milo being a non-vampiric space to turn to is so tasty.

-The other reason why I’m enjoying this idea so much is because I want Milo to be actively involved in the whole “Darlin came to Dahlia but is hiding” plot point. In general, I love eyeing this when it comes to Darlin rarepairs. In this context, it’s basically Milo feeling like “Two people around me aren’t telling me jack shit and it’s driving me insane” (because at this point, SH and Darlin are definitely dating so SH *has* to know stuff as well). Milo doesn’t want to ambush them (D) but pretending like he’s not upset hearing they’re being reckless again wouldn’t be possible.

-My canon divergent solution to this? Milo talks to David about how he can also tell Darlin’s back in town but no one’s telling him anything. David’s “kill two birds with one stone” solution is to have Milo be the one to go and talk to Darlin directly. The Sam/David call still takes place, but instead of him being the one to talk to Darlin, he mentions how he’s sending someone in his place. (Sam’s proximity to the pack at this point is up for debate but I feel like this still works fairly well)

-This is everything to me because in both cases, we have a speaker wanting more information about someone close to them that only the other has. I think that’s a funky parallel. I also think this would be a good catalyst for Sam and Milo to finally get together, especially since this would give them a few months of officially dating before the solstice/Inversion (it always comes back to Inversion at some point)

///

[Bonus: Quinn related stuff]

-This is a tweaked version of my usual Darlin/Quinn canon, but in the context of this ship, I think they’d have a very transactional relationship/dynamic. It’s one that SH finds out about early-ish/when things start to get rough for Darlin

-At some point, SH approaches Darlin (again, knowing that Darlin and Quinn have some sort of complex situationship of sorts). Them convincing Darlin that they (D) deserve more, that they (SH) can offer them more, that they can see the intense chemistry between them— It leads to Darlin turning the dynamic with Quinn into one of feeding only (no sex) because them and SH start dating.

-Either Quinn tries to convince Darlin otherwise a few times *or* he tries to bring them into other sinister things he’s doing (which would admittedly be more canon compliant honestly—) but either way, their clear line in the sand wis what leads to them (Darlin/Quinn) getting into it and Darlin having to go home for a bit

-As a mini palette cleanser: I also think about SH coming to visit Darlin while they’re in Washington

[wouriqueen]

Okay so I'll obviously need to mull this S02E05 episode over but first impressions.

General thoughts

Dubai trio my beloved. This ep is a fave right now despite the lack of Claudia.

Louis' memories. I still believe the showrunners know Louis and Armand staying together without Louis having some doubt about his involvement in Claudia's death would be boring, but regardless of what happens later, I'm glad we at least know Louis remembered Armand's involvement in Claudia's death until 1973!

2 amnesics at the table. Love the concept of them trying to recover their memories together.

Acting off the charts in San Fran . Louis seductive, then manic and resentful, then drugged up and scornful, then back to self-containment and the careful navigation of his relationship with Armand. Armand standing there so fucking full of RESENTMENT in that first shot of him at the apartment, the anger the pain the JEALOUSY the contempt then the tenderness as he's about to kill Daniel. Excellent.

Still not a fan of how they executed Armand's pupils vibrating but the concept itself is awesome and the timing here was excellent.

Armand and Louis

Worst argument in this entire show. Some heinous shit has been said before but damn. So violent, especially Louis. Horrible.

The dynamics were dynamiquing. I'll have more thoughts later but Armand accepting Louis' "authority" only when it's working in favor of their relationship stood out to me.

Renewal of vows? That coffin scene. The tender hand on the cheek. Louis making it clear to Armand he has NOT "crawled even an inch forward" towards forgiveness for Claudia... yes choosing him again over Lestat again, it seems right now. This looked like a renewal of their commitment ("Yes, Maître" parallel to the bench scene included - that scene was their real beginning).

Armand

Armand is so HUNGRY. For love and acceptance. It's almost ugly to see. Like I've seen book-readers say it but only now am I feeling it and if only for that... yeah. Fave episode. Fave character. He's got me here I'm obsessed.

ARMAND HORROR MOVIE VILLAIN YESSSSS! THE CHAIR TORTURE. THE CRAMPS TORTURE. THE UNSPOOLING OF THE TAPES WITH HIS MIND. The vibe was awesome too, with Daniel's sobs, Louis' pained grunts and the TV all in background of Armand's interrogation.

Daniel and Louis

Danlou. Did this show give me Danlou without giving me Danlou?

"Just make me your Claudia, your Lestat" This was insane like I know he was on drugs but to think he said that AFTER Louis told him the whole story all the way up to Claudia getting on the train. The IMPLICATIONS for how he envisioned their relationship after turning...

More Danlou. Daniel looked disappointed when finding out he and Louis didn't sleep together and Louis jokingly asked "do you wanna do it now"? Yes that's how I saw and I'm dying on this hill. In the flashbacks he was sooo eager.

Even more Danlou... I LOVED that Louis' words are revealed to be what kept Daniel afloat like maybe Armand's prediction would have been correct without it!

Daniel

Daniel's relationship to his own sexuality. It was interesting to see the nuance to Daniel's attraction to men like on one hand he was clearly eager to fuck Louis, even before he was given any drugs. Like his first thought seeing the coffin was "we're gonna fuck in it"??? He wanted it BAD. But on the other hand the way he asks Louis if he's in San Fran because of the large gay community is huuuh a little condescending? We knew about that contradiction but it was interesting to see it live.

Sex and addiction. Most importantly, I think his addiction really muddled his views on sex as well, as in, having that transactional relationship to sex, not even really as a choice but to deal with his addiction, must not have helped him to get clarity on the matter. The fact that he so quickly propositioned Armand to save his life shows he did that very, very often.

I liked the empowerment in this episode. The Talamasca gave him clues, he has a lead to follow, so he can do more than react in anger now and go back to being a journalist. But not just a journalist. The connection between him and Louis flourished. I'm actually very worried for him now LOL the green eyed monster in the room with them.......

[neuxue]

《默读》 audiodrama S2 thoughts:

I made it through! Listen (ha), given my usual inability to stick with audio media of any kind, that's an accomplishment

This season features a lot more of Fei Du and Luo Wenzhou deliberately getting on each other's nerves, and the actors go all-in on this, and it's an absolute delight. This is one of the areas where I think the format really shines.

(also the realisation that the same actor plays Fei Du in this and Gao Shi in 《长安三万里》 makes some of Fei Du's more outrageous moments even funnier. to me. imagine Gao Shi in his straight-man-to-Li-Bai's-madman Chang'an characterisation saying '可能是为了泡你'. you see my vision.)

How Many 'Oh No He's Hot', 'This Better Not Awaken Anything In Me' Moments Can One Person Have? Area Man (Luo Wenzhou) Finds Out! (it's okay 骆队, the fucking around will come in time, I'm sure)

The interactions (and, honestly, parallels) between Fei Du and Su Luozhan continue to make me insane. I need to pin them up on a board and cover it with red string.

Lang Qiao's voice actor Understood The Assignment: you can practically hear her composing the next chapter of her RPF epic every time she shows up, and we love that for her.

And now one downside, which is more a limitation of the medium than an actual criticism, but I found that in this season especially, there were several moments that don't seem to adapt as well to audio-only. For example Fei Du's 你为什么不救我？// Why didn't you save me? dream, where so much relies on the imagery of it rather than the bits that can be spoken out loud. Or the slow realisation in the birthday scene in the novel of just how long Fei Du is basically shut down for (I naively thought this would be easier to convey in audio, but in hindsight I guess maybe it would require too much dead air and/or really weird pacing to drag the scene out long enough to achieve that effect).

And, of course, the 'this is life / this is death' flashback at the end, which took my breath away in the novel but is virtually impossible to convey with audio alone. No shade on the acting; the emotional impact comes through remarkably well for a scene in which Fei Du barely says any actual words. But if I hadn't already read that scene in the novel, I don't think I would have been able to put together a clear picture of what was actually happening. Which is probably a minor complaint all told, but it was a slight disappointment just because boy did that scene work for me in prose form.

That said, I'm still very much enjoying it and to my own surprise am looking forward to continuing once I've read book 3.

[jade-of-mourning]

just rewatched the first three episodes of lok and i'm obsessed again. korra is SO CUTE she's buff she's passionate she's self assured she's sassy as fuck she's the whole world to me omg.

welcome to republic city & the revelation do SUCH a good job of establishing the character of the city and really, introducing the new world!!! the revelation has been one of my favorite episodes of lok for a long minute because of its noir aesthetic, the art in the cityscaping, the insane cinematography and composition of the korra/mako & chi-blocker fight! the way that mako's revelation of his and bolin's backstory is a direct parallel to the fradulent backstory of amon!!!! (and the potential behind the firebenders-killed-my-parents stereotype as inflicted on a firebending kid,,,)

AND THE WAY KORRA IS IMMEDIATELY SMITTEN WITH MAKO IS SO FUNNY. the way that it just does not occur to mako at all to romantically like korra at all — he sees that bolin is not in their attic and automatically assumes that he's flirting with korra and is just entire amused at the concept like okay,,, then korra offers to help him find bolin and he goes "nah i got it" and i'm like dude,, if i were in your position i would literally be hanging off of her bc she's so cute wdym Nah I Got It you do not got it you are a hot trauma mess let the pretty girl help you. actually he's aro what.

also i'm yelling about how bolin was written as, y'know, an actual human being with feelings and nuance in characterization in these first few episodes. the show could never make me hate you bolin. and the way mako looks so tired all the time especially in his initial introduction just looking at his side profile, and how he word for word goes "i think i'm gonna turn in; you kids have fun" at korra and bolin STOP. mako physically picking up an equalist and hauling them off the stage like a ragdoll bc they were going to harm bolin is the truest shit of all time. sorry i still think mako should've been a girl but in that moment where he asks if bolin is alright and bolin goes "YES MAKO I LOVE YOU" i agreed bc i love him for who he is in canon too

THE SETUP FROM A LEAF IN THE WIND guys the way the airbending philosophy translates over into an entire theme of the season,, how tenzin and korra's relationship already evolves so much over the course of one episode and how they recognize their own faults and acknowledge each other's perspectives; they were always meant to help build one another into better more empathetic people. i just love watching their dynamic so much um kind of the most important part of the show. also the way that korra sees what mako does in the ring and connects it to what tenzin told her about airbending and how it finally clicked for her,,, sorry i'm once again thinking about the sheer potential that makorra could've been until it got absolutely trashed in about one episode from now LOL. (i'm joking it took about another season before that happened but still.)

talk to me please i need to yell about season 1 again and esp the first three episodes because they had so much potential for so many good things and just never got the time to explore it in its entirety,,,, AAAAAAA never getting over the visuals the personality in the animation the background paintings the music just hgnajdsgbhkbsjdgajs SEASON ONE KORRA I LOVE YOU. also my chest hurts sm what

[maybe-not-a-robot]

Media Log 2024 End-of-Year Recap

Hey! After making so many entries this year, I wanted to go back through them and give some additional thoughts or edits to them. I also feel like stuff like this needs a capstone, y'know? Anyway, on with it!

Entry 1: Angel Hare: In the time between watching Angel Hare and now, I got a plush of Angel Zaggy! They also made a third season of Angel Hare, which I haven't watched - part of me wants to watch it specifically because I feel the second season wrapped it up well.

Entry 2: The Ray'z Series: I got really into shmups this year. Seriously, play some, they're great fun!

Entry 3: de Blob: It was really nice to replay this game and finish it after spending a lot of my childhood replaying the first level because the first level didn't have any enemies in it. Harder than I expected, to be honest.

Entry 4: Touhou Eiyashou ~ Imperishable Night: Udonge udonge udonge udonge. Mariali supremacy. Touhou good.

Entry 5: Touhou Fuujinroku ~ Mountain of Faith: Still not huge on using a level of shot power to bomb. Kappa's Pororoco is my least favorite spell card. I play Reimu C!

Entry 6: Bang Brave Bang Bravern: It is still insane how gay this was, and it was very funny how this made it parallel G-Witch from last year. I miss Bravern Thursdays.

Entry 7: Isle of Dogs: Stop motion is such a beautiful method of animation. Just... wow, man.

Entry 1X: Games I Gave Up On: I think next year I want to do more of entries like these, about things I chose not to finish or didn't finish by the end of the year. Eschatos would be on the docket for this year. I fucking hate Biomutant so much.

Entry 8: Dr. Robotnik's Ring Racers: I need to get back to this game. I loved doing time trials in it. Shoutout to Joypolis.

Entry 9: Neon Genesis Evangelion: I kind of can;t believe it really is as good as everyone says. Kawoshin has been the template for all this time.

Entry 10: The End of Evangelion: I don't have much else to say. I like the mass-production Evangelion units a lot, they have a very neat design.

Entry 11: Evangelion 1.0 You Are (Not) Alone: It's so weird that this covers like, six episodes total. Asuka isn't even in this, but Mari is.

Entry 12: The rest of the Evangelion Rebuild movies: My opinions of these movies soured in real time. I think 3.0+1.0 is probably the thing I disliked the most out of everything this year I finished. Don't wait up for the essay.

Entry 13: Poképark Wii: Pikachu’s Adventure: It's hard to overstate just how cute I think this game is. It felt so nice to go back to. I started the sequel, but didn't finish it this year.

Entry 14: Portal 2: Shorter than I thought I would be, but still fantastic. I need to play the co-op campaign now...

Entry 15: Deadpool vs. Wolverine: Just... really disappointing. Such a nothingburger of an emotional core.

Entry 16: Gundam Breaker 4: I was so hyped for this game I remember where I was when it was announced - I was at my community college, waiting for a class to begin. It was so worth it.

Entry 2X: Minecraft but I survive in PARKOUR CIVILIZATION [FULL MOVIE]: Mass psychosis event. If you told me this didn't actually happen, I might believe you. What the hell happened?

Entry 17: Mobile Suit Gundam: Still kind of stunned at how... normal this anime was. I was sort of expecting it to be life-changing because of its legacy. Guess not.

Entry 18: ATLYSS: This game is seemingly getting some new content soon, excited for that. Some of my non-furry friends also love this game. It's that good.

Entry 3X: Gundam Breaker 4's DLC: Mid. Like, really aggressively mid, and so few missions too!

Entry 19: Settlemoon: I completed this game back in July, but I started an NG+ run and doing a media log entry slipped my mind. Here's my town right now:

Entry 20: The Emperor's New Groove: Shoutout to this movie's singular musical number. Very funny thing to open a non-musical with.

Entry 21: Sonic the Hedgehog 3 (movie): I watched this movie in theaters with a few friends with Spanish subtitles. We all bought tickets for the wrong day, but the incredibly nice person behind the ticket counter gave us vouchers for free seats to any one movie... and they had a showing that night with Spanish subtitles.

What a year! Overall, my highlights of this year were probably ATLYSS, Evangelion, and Gundam Breaker 4. I also technically have, like, eight or nine written works I could include on here but didn't because they were assigned by classwork. Read Giovanni's Room. Get sad.

Of course, the media log will return in 2025... stay tuned!

[bluebeewings]

I started Our Flag Means Death FURIOUS and bitter. I was still high on the Always Sunny train and feeling that no other type of humor would ever compare to sunny’s humor and as I watched the pilot I was seething with anger cause I was already feeling the show wouldn’t live up to what I thought it could be. Nobody was talking about it and there were a few episodes to come out, so I hadn’t even heard of it before (my friend told me it was a Taika pirate show and we should see what was it about). My first impression of Stede was that he was gay, but that the show wouldn’t possibly go there and that I’d eventually be disappointed when it’s not the case. Secondly, Jim. The moment I saw them I thought trans, but then again, how often it is that the trope of “dressing as a guy to blend in” leads to actual trans rep? I saw all the queer allegories, the queer undertones but honestly thought the show wouldn’t deliver. It’s a silly show about pirates, a workplace comedy with a new gimmick. I thought it was fine when I finished the last episode. Maybe a week later (if I recall correctly) I went back to it, giving it another chance. With each subsequent episode, I understood the series more and more. I saw that Jim’s actor was non binary and that gave me hope that the queer undertones was actually intended and thought of.

Then of course, Blackbeard. Episode four was an eye opener. Firstly I thought “people are gonna ship the hell out of these two” (me included) but I was still skeptical. But then… The parallels with Mary and Blackbeard? I thought I was loosing my mind. But it just got gayer and gayer (Taika’s heart eyes like, they’re impossible not to notice). But it was still in my mind that it couldn’t be the case, how can a show be this unapologetically queer without being marketed as such??? I’m always on the lookout for queer stuff so I’d certainly know. Episode 5 went on and we saw Lucious and Black Pete as an item and I took that as confirmation that nothing would happen between Stede and Ed (like, come on, we got a non binary character and a gay couple, if there’s more than it’s officially for the gays) but then!!! The moonlight scene! I legit thought I was going insane thinking to myself this is the most romantic shit I’ve seen I can’t believe this is happening is it really real or am I this delusional??? I was in it now and couldn’t stop my binging the show. With each subsequent episode I got more and more sure it was really a romantic comedy and let me tell you the rush and the serotonin I felt knowing more and more that for the first time I was getting what I hoped for? Scratch that, something better than what I had hoped for.

There were only 8 episodes available and when I got to Calico Jack everything happened again. I looked at him and though “lol ed’s ex” but thought I wouldn’t be so lucky… Well think again! I was still wondering if it was all some sort of next level queerbaiting but Jack went there and said “nope, we used to fuck” (and for that I’ll be forever grateful of Will Arnett). Then obviously the feet touch aka the most romantic thing to have ever happened in fiction. The first thing I did was to look up people here on tumblr to see if everyone was consuming it with the same eyes as I and let me tell you, watching the fandom start was so cool and I’ll remember those simpler times fondly. We were all wondering what would happen, if there would be a kiss (and people still debating if it was bait or not).

The last two episodes released like a week later and I waited as patiently as I could. The kiss and subsequent break up oh I was in heaven. If there’s something I like is drama and it peaked as Mary realized Stede had come back. Ohh and episode ten hm! Delicious. Anyways after the kiss everyone and their mom knew that it was not only canonically queer but an inherently queer show, the fandom grew in unprecedented ways. I lasted like four months before I quietly got away cause big fandoms intimidate me. Too much content for me to process and way too much discourse… But I’ll be here for this season because the brainrot is real and I’m exited to see the show being even more unapologetically queer and more explicitly than ever as a love story.

I’m just really happy to have stumbled upon this show without knowing a thing and finding out in real time that it’s one of the queerest shows in existence.

[theanomily]

This is a Bloodline "live react", but also not really because I'm posting my initial thoughts as I read in maybe two goes, depending on the time I can allocate to reading.

Disclaimer: The book has been out for two and a bit years. I hate surprises. Consequently, I know stuff. Specifically, I know that:

Otto "dies" // the volcano explodes. These are somehow linked?

The Queen of Shadows is a Sinistre who... exists // Raven is Nero's daughter. Again, these are somehow linked? Sidenote: hive fantasy au where there's a Nero, furan and sinistre kingdom/royalty

There's a scene in which Nero is tied to a bed?? And I think Anastasia is there?? (*squirts Mr Walden with water*)

There's some Anna kid/super-robot. I assume she wants to kill everyone (mood). Sidenote: given how similar her name is to Anastasia's, there's probably some connection there.

Ms. Leon gets her body back. Her cat's name is Kali.

Pietor has a "lurking heart."

*

Chapter One:

OK, opening with a scene of Nero + brandy into a flashback sequence... very Overlord Protocol. Wonder if that was intentional and if the books may be linked.

Nero is younger than I thought. Much younger.

"There's a fine line between being devoted and pathetic." Oh, I love Elena already.

Clumsy Max. That's all I have to say. See, I thought it was as he was bending to kneel when the shot happened, not bending to retrieve a fallen ring. It's kind of sweet that it's the one time we've seen him display nerves. And it killed his (finace? Girlfriend? Does the proposal count?), generating a Never Again type of instinct and the birth of the max we know and love

KILL ANASTASIA, MAX... oh, you IDIOT. Suppose plot gotta plot, eh?

Dr Higgs... why is that name familiar? Glass tanks. Did he work on Otto back in the day?

Laura seems much more bold than any other book. It's interesting, given that Deadlock has literally just happened.

Shelby's first line is an insult. Now that's the Shelby I love

This is wholesome (barring the implied make outs, of course), but Penny. What has happened to Penny?

Oh no, h.i.v.e.mind is thinking they're having a foursome, isn't he?

Chapter Two:

So Anna is Otto crossed with the Contessa. And the whole initial want to know stuff about her creator? Aka her "parents"? I'm sensing AU potential centred around a more human version of her, yearning for a family to find and slowly being driven into insanity/violence

Oh my god, max on holiday? It's him, he's being controlled by something.

I forget that Raven and diabolus are only friends/kind of close in fanfiction. I have no point to make here. It's just very jarring to read max saying to her that he'll do all the talking as though it's all a political battlefield.

Also, we should actually talk about max's daddy issues

Why is Franz a gym bro now? I suppose he inspired himself to try to attain his ninja alter ego via his newfound shooting skills. Still extremely out the blue. (Oooh, And They Were Study Buddies).

...That better not be the extent of Nigel's self-acceptance arc. Or else I'll have to dust off the old ffn account, and nobody wants that. Mr Walden, my guy, I'm counting on you.

Anna, will you take my hand in marriage?

Ouch, Zero really did just exist to be told "a copy is never as good as the original" and then to have his successor be even better than him.

Chapter Three

Excuse me, I know Otto points it out immediately, but Wing advocating for more aggression? Interesting. Makes sense in context- a simulation, in which he would have been the one getting hurt if they took a more aggressive approach. I wonder if that's going to come into play, perhaps the other way around, in a real situation?

Are they really not going to say what this security flaw is? Damn, poor hive'll never learn

Chapter Four

Why are block and tackle being nice? Wing's right, this is a complete parallel universe

..or perhaps not. Only shelby would dare picture Nero in tights.

Page 66 and hive is already fucked. What I'm hearing is Cypher was a complete amateur

CYPHER BOTS :)

Chapter Six

We are nine books in, and let's be honest. Dr Scott isn't the chief medic, he's the only medic

I forgot to jot down anything for c5, but if I forgot, then I can't have had anything particularily noteworthy to say.

Here, I do find it quite interesting that Anna referred to guns as nasty. Reminds me of those really convoluted family trees in which wing is related to otto (and, by extention, anna) via his parents working on Overlord.

Damn, looks like a united glove isn't good news at all for max right now

Also, I'm still really wondering if Mr Walden just straight up forgot about Penny

[jaynnie-jane]

Full fucking circle.

I know I started watching crappy childhood fairy a while back and I also know I sent a message to him that was along the lines of "holy shit, apparently I did have a crappy childhood"… But amongst the bullshit I somehow forgot that realisation and fuck me do I feel like a dumb arse.

So, Crappy Childhood Fairy talks a LOT about C-PTSD. All this time I have been caught in this Narcissist pondering and she does this really great video on parallels between NPD and CPTSD. I'm watching it and nodding along and thinking yeah, that makes sense and something she said made me do a quick google search which brought me to this page:

And the following lines made my heart fall "This is the definition of trauma. The failure to integrate a disturbing event into your internal narrative of reality. It doesn’t matter if 99% of that reality is happy and supportive." "It’s cliché, but many people who experience childhood trauma have parents with their own unresolved childhood trauma. And if they’ve made it to adulthood without resolving that trauma, they had to find a way to live with it. One of the most common ways of coping with trauma long-term is denial… and when their children are upset, they teach them that denial."

Not only does that first part explain how I feel about watching the fights in my family it also explains why when Mum and I were filling out a form for me for my queried Autism thingo, that I had ZERO recollection of my behaviour during a repeated (I can't even ADMIT the next word!) traumatic event (like holy hell, with all my knowledge and understanding of psych stuff I can't even say to myself, yes that was traumatic yet if a friend told me about it I would say yes, that would probably be pretty traumatic!). She told me how as an 8 to 16 year old, I would ALWAYS seek out my brother (he's five years older) and console him and make sure he was okay and validate him and just be there for him. According to Mum, this would happen at least once a week. All I remember from those events is their basic format: My brother would do something dumb that dad would get annoyed with and dad would yell, mum would intervene. Then randomly a few days later dad would give my brother an insane task as punishment for the dumb thing. My brother would complete the insane task without complaint and mum would get shitty with dad for giving my brother the insane task. When I think about my childhood my brain tells me that happened maybe every six months and I only have snippets of memory from one of them. Thinking about it now, and witnessing my parents and their relationship over the last few years I KNOW that for two or three days a week I would have been able to -feel- that tension in the house. As a full grown adult with a bit more self awareness (I was going to say much more but apparently that isn't the case), I still feel that tension between my parents at times and it makes my skin crawl.

The second part of that is also devastating to me because I look at my mums childhood and think "holllyyyy heeeck!". She's never 'dealt' with it. I think it's only been the last five years that I have watched her become more aware. It's often only through me biting back when she tries to control the way I dress or the very harmless ways my dad copes with life that SHE has started to shift her mentality. It's been the strangest thing for me to watch my mum wear baggy clothing. I don't know if it's coincidental but I went off at her a while ago when she was being critical of how I was dressed. I said to her very plainly "Just stop. Stop trying to dictate how I should look just because you are so insecure about the way that YOU present to the world".

Even now, as an adult going through the year I have had, through no initial fault of my own, it's almost impossible for me to actually ask for help because every time I do my mum tries to use it as a teaching moment for her type of resilience which is "you gotta be able to do it on your own, don't rely on anyone, you just CAN NOT EVER become dependent on others".

As a result I think I ricochet between the two extremes. I DO become highly dependent on others because I don't seek help before I absolutely have to. Usually by that point, no one CAN help me.

And now I am just so heavily filled with regret over my relationship. We both asked impossible things of each other, hell I didn't even ask. I don't know if I didn't ask because I was afraid of being told no or to just "suck it up" or if it's because I, like my mother pride myself on fucking STRUGGLING with my mental health alone because no one has been able to help me. I have known for MONTHS that if Josh and I broke up I would regret it. I KNOW I am capable of so much more. I KNOW that with the right support and environment I could be unstoppable. I knew, in my gut that who he was asking me to be, for the most part is who I think I want to be any way. But every second spent in a relationship where what my partner needed, I was incapabale of providing; was destroying us both. I knew I was failing him again and again and I was so terrified I couldn't be what he wanted, the only thing I could focus on was that and trying to make that feeling of hopeless worthlessness go away. Because I was holding onto this all consuming panic and anxiety over not being good enough for my partner, I didn't have space to take on the anxiety and panic that I experience around work.

And I am sorry. I am so, so sorry. You were not stonewalling, you were just exhausted. You were not dismissing me you were just flooded. And both of our crappy coping skills that we have both tried so hard to unlearn kicked in. Neither of us could risk asking for what we truly needed because we knew the answer was some version of "I can't give you that".

I wish we had found a therapist 8 months ago. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Regret, despair, shame, grief, embarrassed, foolish, disconnected, heartbroken, self contempt and self betrayal.