#that james was canonically a nerd

[padfootastic]

james would’ve adored the heck out of hermione for brewing the polyjuice in 2nd year (illega animagi anyone?) and also, for keeping rita locked up in a jar. oh and punching an asshole classmate in the face.

[keyboardsmashess]

The Siren, or The Heart of the Matter

Chapter Twenty Five: The Visitor, or Eight Harry Potter Movies and One Second of Bravery

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x OFC

Warnings: language, eventual smut, fluff, angst, canon-typical violence MINORS DNI. A/N: I want to give a disclaimer about the media mentioned in this chapter - Harry Potter is an important world to Cleo (because it's an important world to me), but neither I nor my fictional characters support the author or her incredibly harmful beliefs. Trans women are women, trans men are men, trans rights always and forever. Enjoy the chapter, lovelies <3

Summary: Cleo and Bucky bond, growing closer than ever. What will happen next?

Chapter Directory

I burst into the common room with gusto, shocking Bruce into spilling his glass of water. 

As he mops it up, Tony side-eyes me. “You’re awfully chipper this afternoon, Glowstick.”

I smile at my friends and twirl, arms spread wide. Steve chuckles at my exuberance, and I think I see the ghost of a smile flit across Bucky’s face. “I’m the chipperest, Antonia. Do you want to know why?”

His eyes narrow. “I don’t know that I do, to be honest.”

I grab a cup of coffee, patting Betty affectionately, and hop onto a barstool next to Nat. “Well tough shit, I’m going to tell you anyway.” I take a sip of my coffee, pausing for dramatic effect, and grin widely. “I just got word that the final draft of my dissertation has been approved, and the committee is ready to schedule my defense!”

“Cleo, that’s fantastic! Congratulations!” Bruce smiles at me from across the counter. 

Tony gives me a small round of applause and, at the confused looks of a few of the others, he explains, “That means she’s almost done with her PhD. This is the last step before we have to start calling her Doctor.”

“Oh wow, way to go, Cleo!” Steve says, clapping me on the back. 

Nat nudges me with her shoulder. “Nice work, genius.”

Clint grins winningly, spreading his hands. “Dr. The Siren, I like it.” 

I burst into laughter, soaking in the support of my friends, but the genuine smile of affection I catch on Bucky’s face might be the best congratulations of them all.

“Thank you. I’m definitely excited, but I’m not finished yet. I have to find a time to go to Culver so I can have the defense in person. My thesis advisor just emailed me and said he couldn’t convince the board to do this part remotely.”

Tony moves for his phone, but I stop him. “Nuh-uh. No more pulling strings with your ‘considerable charm and influence.’ You’ve done more than enough already, and besides - I like the idea of doing this last part in person.”

He shrugs, going to the fridge and pulling out a carton of blueberries. “Suit yourself.”

Steve gives me a nervous look. “I hate to say this Cleo, but with everything going on - with The Philosopher still out there - it might not be the best idea.”

I put my coffee mug down and level a hard look at him. “I appreciate your concern, but this is happening. I don’t care if I have to hitchhike there in disguise - I’m defending my dissertation and getting my degree.��

He thinks for a moment, that worried look still on his face. “Will you at least let one of us come with you?”

I sigh, but smile. It’s weirdly nice to know someone worries about me. “Sure, Big Guy.”

I’m about to turn to Nat and ask if she wants to road trip with me when Bucky speaks up. “I’ll do it.”

Tony’s mouth drops open, and a blueberry falls out and rolls across the counter. “Did the Manchurian Candidate really just volunteer for something?” he mutters to Bruce.

Bucky frowns at Tony. “I just figured since I’m immune to her powers and all, it would make the most sense for me to go.”

Steve smiles and looks at Nat with an unreadable expression. She clears her throat. “I completely agree - Barnes makes the most sense.” Clint and Steve both nod, and for a moment I just stare at them, wondering why my friends have such feral gleams in their eyes.

I shake my head and turn to Bucky. “Well… thanks. I appreciate it. And don’t worry - I have it on good authority that I make a great travel companion.” I grin at him and he rolls his eyes, but I can see a tiny smile hiding at the corner of his mouth. 

“Alright,” I say, clapping my hands. “I better go work on our travel playlist. You like Taylor Swift, right, Buck?” His groan has everyone else bursting into laughter, and I look over my shoulder at him before heading down the stairs. “Don’t forget - you volunteered.”

******

New secure email from ESapros@culver.edu

Cleo,

I’ve confirmed the defense of your dissertation with the committee for two weeks from today. I appreciate your understanding of the need to complete this final step in person. Unfortunately, I could not convince them to allow your “colleague” to join us in the room. He will have to wait outside.

It has been a joy working with you during your time at Culver, and I’m quite proud of the progress you have made. Please do consider a career in academia before making a permanent commitment to this little superhero team with which you have found yourself entangled. You are young and intelligent; do not throw that away. 

A wise man once said, “Seek truth while you are young, for if you do not, it will later escape your grasp.” Dean Wharton mentioned that a spot in the English faculty may be opening up, and I hope you do not mind that I mentioned you as a qualified candidate for the position. At least give it some thought, for me.

Please let me know if you find yourself with any questions or concerns prior to your defense in two weeks’ time. Until then,

Elias J. Sapros, PhD

Culver University

******

Avengers minus Thor (only use when 🔨 off-planet or to talk shit about Loki)

Lite Brite: My defense will be in two weeks - just confirmed with my advisor

King of the Lab: Sounds great, kid. You and Cyborg can take the Quinjet ✈️

Nat TonyifyouchangemynameagainIsweartogod Romanov: Congrats Cleo

Nat TonyifyouchangemynameagainIsweartogod Romanov: This is very exciting

Captain Boyscout: It took a lot of hard work, finishing your PhD while also training with us. You should be proud of yourself. Sincerely, Steve Rogers

Lab Assistant: Great work, Cleo.

Katniss: We’re going to have to celebrate when it’s all over, Dr. The Siren 😉🍸

Manchurian Candidate: 👍

New secure message from Bucky Barnes

Bucky: Even though we’re taking the jet, we probably still need a playlist.

Bucky: I wouldn’t say no to some Bikini Kill

Bucky: … or Taylor Swift

Cleo: You’re rapidly approaching friendship level four, Buckaroo.

******

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

I thought having my dissertation complete would help ease my anxiety-induced insomnia, but I was wrong. If anything, losing that extra task to focus some of my energy on has made things even worse. 

I spend a few nights tossing and turning, not wanting to allow myself to seek out Bucky’s company even though I know he must be awake, too. After my conversation with Dr. B, my therapist, I’m hyper-aware of my feelings for Bucky, which makes being in his presence incredibly challenging. When he’s in the room, my powers go out the window and I’m suddenly spilling food, tripping over air, and my words come out in a jumbled mess.

Worst of all, my fucking crystal has started glowing when I get too warm and fuzzy about him. It’s like a beacon of desperation and embarrassment.

Still, though, my desire to escape the incessant press of my thoughts while alone wins out over my insistence on keeping my distance from Bucky, and I find myself at his door yet again.

He answers almost immediately. “Cleo, hey.” He’s wearing grey sweatpants and a plain tee shirt, but somehow he makes it look like he’s heading for the runway. There’s the barest hint of a smirk on his face - just enough to have heat flooding my cheeks. And perhaps other areas.

“Hey, Buck. I couldn’t sleep and figured you’d be up, too. I thought maybe you’d want to watch something together?”

He steps back and opens the door, spreading an arm to welcome me inside like always. “What do you have planned for this evening? More kid shows? I have to say, the puppet is growing on me.”

I do my best to suffocate the feelings bubbling up inside me and plop down gracelessly on his couch. “Told you, Zoboomafoo gets everyone eventually.” He chuckles and sits next to me, just slightly closer than normal, and I wish for a moment I’d worn something other than pajama shorts and a tank top with a sports bra. “I thought you could choose tonight.”

Bucky brightens, grabbing a small notebook off his coffee table and flipping through the pages. “I actually have a list - you wanna check something off with me?”

I smile fondly as he hands me the notebook open to a page entitled Movies I Missed. I scan the list, looking for something that piques my interest. “You’ve got a lot of fantasy on here - who knew you were a secret nerd?”

His cheeks flush just a little, and he scratches the back of his neck. “Well, I read The Hobbit when it came out and loved it, so I started with that movie, and then I kept hearing about similar stuff.”

“Oh it isn’t an insult, I’m also a massive nerd. I’ve seen just about everything on this list - multiple times. Since we already started on childhood nostalgia with Zoboomafoo, let’s try Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone.” I’m already grabbing his remote and navigating to the movie on Bucky’s StarkTV.

He grins widely. “I’ve been reading the books, so that’s perfect.”

“Now I need to warn you, this is not a perfect franchise,” I say, faux-seriously. “But it’s worth a watch anyway. And if you see me crying, no you didn’t.”

He nods. “Got it. Ditto.” He reaches behind me to pull a throw blanket off the back of the couch and spread it over both our laps, then switches off the lamp on his side of the couch.

“Nice blanket,” I say, and it’s dark so I can’t say for sure, but I think he smiles proudly.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

I get my pajamas on and do my skincare routine, and once I’m fully ready for sleep, I completely bypass my bed, walk out of my apartment, pad down the hall, and knock on Bucky’s door. He’s got it open before I finish knocking.

“HP two?” I ask, and he grins and points to the TV where the movie is already cued up. I sit down on what I’ve started to think of as ‘my’ side of the couch, and Bucky takes his.

As he grabs the throw blanket, he shoots me an embarrassed look. “I, uh, washed it wrong and it shrank a little bit.”

I laugh. “You know, they put the instructions right there on the tag.”

He rolls his eyes. “I do know that… now.”

I inch close enough to fit under the blanket, not quite touching Bucky but certainly nearer than before. “It’s fine. Happens to the best of us.” And really, I think, he is the best of us.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

“Do you want a snack?” Bucky asks from the kitchen.

“Sure!” I reply brightly. “I’m always down for a snack attack.”

Before I can ask what he has, he’s tossing me a bag of baked white cheddar cheetos and a bottle of sweet tea, quite possibly my two favorite food items on the planet. I gape at him. “How did you…”

He grins shyly as he takes his own seat, a few inches closer than the night before. “I pay attention.”

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

“So let me get this straight,” Bucky says, pausing the movie. We’ve now surpassed his place in the books and have entered uncharted territory for him. “He’s going to let Harry - a goddamn child - enter a deadly competition because a stupid cup said he has to?”

I nod solemnly. “And now you see why Dumbledore is such a polarizing character.”

He narrows his eyes at the screen. “And I thought Fury was bad. This man is not responsible enough to be in charge of a single kid, much less an entire school of ‘em.”

I pat his shoulder. “I know, Buck. I know.”

Bucky sighs deeply and presses play. “Well, I guess we better find out how Harry’s going to be traumatized this time.” 

I reach over him and grab a box of tissues from his side table. He gapes at me. “Just in case.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

As Sirius falls through the veil, I surreptitiously wipe at my eye, hoping Bucky doesn’t see the tear leaking from the corner. Naturally, he spots it immediately. He wordlessly hands me a tissue.

“Thanks,” I say, sniffling a little. “I’ve seen this a million times, but that never gets any easier to watch.”

“It’s weird,” Bucky says, a thoughtful look on his face. I quirk an eyebrow in question. “That we watch this stuff, knowing it’s going to make us sad. It’s weird that we enjoy seeing characters go through all this shit.”

I pause the movie and shake my head. “I don’t think it’s weird at all. Because at the end of the day, they don’t just go through the shit - they survive it. And watching or reading a story about that helps us believe we can survive our own shit, too. At least, it does for me.”

He studies me, and I blush at his attention. “I guess I’ve never thought about it like that, but you’re right. I’ve always liked stuff like this - that’s probably why. I just thought I was fucked up.”

I look away from his intense blue eyes, uncomfortable under his gaze. “Oh you’re definitely fucked up - just for reasons other than your media choices. If you like moderate-to-severely depressing adventures, I’ve got the show for you. We’re watching Supernatural once we finish these movies.” He nods in agreement, smiling at me gently.

I press play, but I can sense that his gaze doesn’t leave my face for quite some time. I refuse to meet it, staring at the screen until my eyes start to water.

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

I’m tired tonight, having gone extra hard with Nat in training to work out a pissy mood she was in for some unknown reason. I hope she’ll tell me eventually, but for now I’m happy to help her hit things until she feels better. I feel my eyes start to droop about halfway through the movie.

I’m not sure who edges over first, but the sleepier I become, the closer Bucky and I move to one another. By the time Harry and Dumbledore get to the cave with the inferi, I’ve fallen asleep.

When I wake up, Bucky and I are both completely horizontal on the couch. I’m using him as a pillow, my cheek and hand resting on the firm planes of his chest, and I feel his metal arm wrapped gently around my waist. I’m surprised at how comforting it feels, this arm that was once such a fearsome weapon. It isn’t scary at all - it’s simply Bucky. And I know that, with Bucky, I’m safe.

I crack one eye open to peer up at his face and see that he’s sleeping soundly. As I close my eyes and allow myself to drift back into sleep, I tell myself I’m just being a good friend.

He hardly sleeps - why would I wake him up? I’m only staying because it’s a nice thing to do.

Yeah, right.

It’s the best damn sleep of my life. 

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (Part One)

When Bucky and I finally wake up, the sun is shining in the sky and Steve is pounding on the door. We spring apart like opposing ends of a magnet, neither able to look the other in the eyes. Bucky convinces Steve to wait downstairs, that he’ll get me and we’ll meet him there, and Steve - bless his innocent soul - complies. We don’t speak a word. 

At the end of the day, I knock on the door nervously, and Bucky takes so long to answer that I’m afraid he’s going to ignore me completely. Eventually, though, he opens the door, and I force a casual grin as I walk in.

“We’re almost there, Buck - just two more movies.” I plop down on the far end of the couch, closer to the edge than I’ve been since before our first night of shared insomnia.

He dutifully takes the opposite end, smiling stiffly. “Great. Let’s do this.”

We watch the movie in total silence - no commentary, no snacks, no blankets, and absolutely no touching. I hate every second.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (Part Two)

Bucky answers the door immediately again, and I huff a silent sigh of relief at the normalcy. As I enter his room, I think back to a text I’d gotten from my therapist, Dr. Benally, earlier today. 

Dr. B: Are you doing your homework?

Cleo: … yes

Dr. B: I know that means no, Cleo. Do one thing that makes you happy today. Talk soon.

Not looking anywhere close to Bucky’s face, I sit in the center of the couch - near enough to his side that he could choose to sit right next to me, but far enough that he could still take plenty of distance. He pauses for only a moment, but I can see the calculations going on in his mind. To my delight, he sits close to me - our thighs pressing together - and grabs the blanket.

“I know for a fact this one’s going to make me emotional,” he says with a small smile. “I’m gonna need your support.”

I take a deep breath to steel myself and, channeling my inner Gryffindor in a moment of bravery or possibly stupidity, I lay my head on his shoulder and play the movie. “I’ve got you, Buck.”

He stiffens, just for a second, and then relaxes, tentatively wrapping his left arm around my back. “Yeah, I’ve got you, too.”

[sk1fanfiction]

Chapter Nine: Red Rum, Red Hands

Oh, he’s spotted it,” said Blaise from behind her, his voice giddy with anticipation.

“Who?” asked Parvati.

There was no answer, because Harry and Cedric both seemed to dive in unison, robes snapping in the wind after what must be the Snitch near the ground, far too small to see.

“Now, the technique Potter’s using’s called a Spiral Dive—” Blaise began.

“Shhh,” said Parvati, almost dangling over the railing. “They’re so close!”

The two Seekers were neck and neck, hands outstretched, pressing themselves flatter against their brooms—

Then they both pulled up. Hard. The Snitch must have slipped away.

“Well, wasn’t that hair-raising?” called Lee, and the stadium cheered in approval. “It’s still anyone’s game, sixty to eighty, Gryffindor to Hufflepuff — but Johnson’s currently doing her best to make that score even.”

The tension in Harry’s shoulders as he rose was clear even from far away. The Gryffindor stands yelled encouragement, but he seemed indifferent, unhearing as he watched the swarming chaos of red and yellow below. Cedric looked similarly contemplative.

And then, it happened.

Cedric dove.

“Diggory spotted the Snitch!” called Lee. “With Potter in pursuit — no, where’s Potter, why’s he just sitting there? Earth to Potter!”

“Why isn’t he following?” asked Parvati, the wind from Cedric plummeting blowing her hair back from her face.

She was right; Harry was just sitting there, casual as you please.

What if something’s wrong?

“Wronski Feint,” Blaise supplied. “At least, that’s what Diggory’s attempting. But Harry knows there’s nothing down there.”

Indeed, Harry’s face was tilted towards the sky, scanning the clouds with a tense, quiet determination.

Is that really what he’s doing?

Gryffindor plays Hufflepuff, but, believe it or not, Harry and Cedric's last match-up is far from the most exciting event this Saturday. Read from the beginning at FFN|AO3!

[gatorbites-imagines]

Kinktober day 12

James “Bucky” Barnes + Drool/Spit

This is winter soldier Bucky, so imagine he’s wearing that half face mask he wears in the movie. Hes wearing a mouth guard under it, google says that’s what it’s called. Im also taking canon, and throwing it in the toilet for this.

No outright smut in this, cuz it felt a lil weird to add it, as Bucky kinda sees the reader as a very nice and comforting handler. Readers an Avenger 🗣️

2024 kinktober masterlist

Maybe dressing up as a hydra agent wasn’t your… best idea. But hindsight was twenty-twenty. Steves friend was locked up in a hydra facility near where you had just been for a mission, and you knew he was planning a whole thing to get him out. You also knew that it would be a shitshow if it went his way, did he really think it would work just not telling people? It was a good thing Steve was hot, because sometimes his head was full of dirt.

You hadn’t honestly thought it would work, alright? You just assumed you could sneak in, maybe get some info from their tech, see where they kept the winter solider, and get out of there. The documents had said he would be frozen down, so of course you almost shit yourself when he was wide awake and staring at, the same way a starving dog looks at a steak.

So maybe you tucked him under your arm and just ran outta there. Okay, it wasn’t that comedic. You just used your best “hydra bastard” accent and lingo, and somehow got the winder solider, Bucky? Was that what Steve called him? To follow you out. He seemed almost willing, which didn’t make a lot of sense, since well. You were dressed up as a hydra agent.

You just hadn’t counted for the fact that he would see you as his new handler. This was what you were thinking about as you were sitting on the couch in one of your safe houses. One you had bought, not shield or Stark. You loved Tony, you did, there was just something nice about an apartment that wasn’t bugged from hell and back.

Looking down at the winder soldier- you should start calling him Bucky. At Bucky kneeling by your feet. The moment you got home you changed into something more comfortable, just some sweats and an old t-shirt you stole from an ex who’d been a huge baseball nerd.

“so, uh… Buck..y? what do you wanna like, do” you awkwardly said, scratching at the stubble on your chin from the uneasy tension you felt in the air. Feeling you nuzzle against your knee almost made you jump right out the seat. The yell was choked down before it became a reality as you looked down, frows furrowed in confusion as he just seemed to… nuzzle you.

Hesitantly you reached a hand down, approaching him with the caution one would a feral dog on the street. His pale eyes were kinda creepy, with all that eyeblack smudged around them like that, and how they just laser focused on every little movement you did. Bucky’s hair was oily and uncomfortable as you ran a hand through it. Couldn’t really blame the guy though, could you. you couldn’t imagine hydra was the nicest people to work under.

Bucky seemed to arch into the touch when he realized you weren’t trying to hit him, a choked raspy noise leaving him as his eyes almost rolled all the way back. Hadn’t Steve said hydra had this guy for, like, 70 years? Then you guessed it wasn’t weird for him to ache for any kind of human touch. Youd seen Tony after he was brought back from the cave he was kept in. hed been so touchy but also flinched away from everything. And that was just 3 months, you couldn’t imagine what this guy had been through.

You hadn’t thought about how you were rubbing Buckys head as you mulled over your thoughts, your second hand reaching down to rub his ear and rub a thumb across his cheek, right above that mask of his. You also hadn’t noticed the way his eyes seemed to droop, pupils blowing wide as he leant all his weight against your leg, or how something wet was seeping into your sweats.

It took a while for you to finally come back to yourself, having gone on some long tangent in your head about trauma and how to deal with this guy before you could bring him back to the tower. Looking down you had wanted to apologize, only to see how Bucky looked like he was in heaven, slumped against your knee and eyes barely open a crack as he melted under your hands. The big spot of drool on your leg made you realize how long you had been sitting like this.

“Fuck, uh. Sorry dude, didn’t mean to space out like that” you chuckled a bit dryly, finally pulling your hands back, your heart giving a lurch as he let out a raspy noise. There wasn’t much voice behind it, but it felt like one of those scarred fighting dogs trying to whine. It was… kinda cute in its own way, even if it came from the winter solider of all people.

“That things probably real uncomfortable, huh?” you mumble, eyes landing on that mask of his. With little though behind it, you reach down and carefully search for the release mechanism. It took longer than intended, with Bucky trying to nuzzle into your hands whenever they came close. God this guy was touch starved, hopefully the team would know what to do.

A soft amused huff passed through your lips as you finally got the mask of him, strings of drool hanging from his parted lips against the inside of the material. “Drooly boy, aren’t you” you joked, only for Bucky to let out the faintest of whimpers as he tried to nuzzle against you again.

As he panted with parted lips, you could spot what looked like some kind of cover on his teeth. Had hydra tried to silence him in another way? Was that why he didn’t talk, or was it all trauma? You hadn’t thought about your actions much before you found yourself carefully pulling on his jaw, Bucky leaning his head along as he simply let you do as you pleased.

Bucky let out a louder pleased noise as your fingers slid into his mouth, his tongue rubbing insistently against your fingers as if he was exploring. With a shaky exhale you carefully moved your fingers around, trying to grab onto what was covering his upper teeth. The entire time Bucky seemed more interesting in licking at and sucking your fingers. The movements were too messy to be hydra trained, at least that could help a little on the guilt it made you feel.

Spit was rolling down his chin, Bucky not even seeming to think about swallowing it. With a little struggle, you finally got whatever was covering his teeth off, Bucky trying to follow your fingers as you pulled away, finally realizing that it was a mouth guard. Thick strings of drool hung from the mouth guard and Bucky’s lips and pink tongue, making you shudder.

There was no way you were gonna go down that road, not with how messed up this guy was. There was also that whole thing that he might think you are his handler, so that was something you would explore. Instead you put the mouth guard to the side with his mask, and used your sleeve to wipe all the spit and drool of his face, mumbling soft scoldings at him as Bucky tried to lick you again.

“Lets just go get you cleaned up, alright?” you finally sigh after having to pull your hands to yourself, after he tried to catch them in his mouth again. Bucky seemed more than happy to follow you as you lead him into the bathroom, starting to take his outfit off before you even said anything.

Instinctively you wanted to scold him for just doing that, but seeing him step into the empty bathtub and look at you with those softer, but still blank eyes, made your chest ache just a little more. The shower took a while, with you having to scrub his hair multiple times. You caught him drooling during the entire process, as if he didn’t have full control of his bodily functions. You also saw him get hard, his cock pink and twitching, oozing its own fluids from what must be the first pleasurable touches in years.

You didn’t do anything about it though, instead helping him dry off and wiping his chin as he kissed softly at your palm, like his own way of saying thanks. “You’re welcome. Come on, I’ll get you something to wear” you mumble out, voice softer and more careful as you lead him to your bedroom and find something that’ll fit him.

It was a struggle to get him into bed, the man clearly uncomfortable with how soft it was and unsure of how to lay. Bucky only seem to lay still when you laid down with him, and he only settled after you let him take your fingers into his mouth again.

The action of just sucking and licking put him in a much calmer state, Bucky’s eyes drooping as he melted against the pillow, even as he still stared at you with such intensity. Seeing him fall asleep so easily after everything made it bearable that he was suckling on your fingers and soaking your pillow in drool. You would figure this out, one way or another. Even if it meant letting Bucky drool all over you until you did.

[fafodill]

On Snape depriving himself sexually...

SO, I got hyperfocused and I hope you'll enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. I needed only one person to tell me they were interested so thank you @severus-snaps haha. And thank you @wisteria-lodge for encouraging me !

This is a continuation of my previous post about Snape's relation with intimacy. I'm always a sucker for the pent up and deprived trope and I feel like Snape could fit the profile perfectly. Of course this is complete HC, as we literally have zero information about him having any personal life whatsoever so... pure speculation and meta discussion. Let's have fun, buckle up, here is why I think he'd make a great candidate for it :

Early teens: Many of us tend to interpret Snape as sexually inexperienced. This of course comes partly from his unpopularity in school, a time where teenagers start experimenting a bit. It's hard to imagine the little scrawny greasy potion nerd getting a lot of action. Though I'm open to thinking something might have happened here and there. I mean, girls also like smart and scrawny guys, I would love to read a fic where a Ravenclaw or Slytherin has a crush on him and he's utterly clueless because he's too engrossed in his books and when he realizes he's so flustered and clumsy about it. And they snog in the library and he's so afraid of getting caught by Mrs Pince. But being consistently bullied would have hurt his reputation, thus making people avoid being associated with him to not become targets as well. Also, his bullies were good-looking guys and it may have contributed to highlighting his bad looks in the public eye way more than if he had been left alone. And just with the nickname alone, but you won't tell me James and Sirius never insulted his nose, his hair, his complexion or his thin frame.

So one of the first core belief that might have emerged and latched itself to his sexuality would have been: I'm ugly/repelling.

But we don't have any proof in canon that he wasn't interested in romantic/sexual interactions back then. For all we know, he was a socially awkward teenager going through puberty. Even if he was certainly anxious and angry due to the bullying, he was still going through the same hormone cocktail as everyone.

HC : I've been wondering how the students find places to masturbate in peace and of course we don't exactly know why he invented the Muffliato charm but give me a Snape who was too whimpery to be completely silent and used it for this.

Post SWM though, I think it's safe to assume the trauma scared him unconsciously regarding the subject. Being perceived before wasn't easy, as he was aware he wasn't exactly good-looking and his self-esteem was impacted for sure, but after... oh boy. I can imagine him so traumatized that the mere idea of undressing in the vicinity of people was making his blood freeze. This may have led to hygiene issues as well, or only feeling safe to shower in the dead of night or at times where the dormitories where utterly empty. The shame linked to having his body and underwear exposed could have definitely stunned his sexual awakening as it happened at such a crucial age. How can you safely explore your own sexuality if every time you think about how ugly you are and that so many people saw your body and laughed at it ? (and the adults doing nothing to punish the people who did that hammered the beliefs that he was indeed laughable)

So second core belief added: I'm ridicule.

Also the SWM incident might have triggered his need to cover/shield his body from head to toe at all time and nobody can convince me otherwise.

At the very least I imagine masturbating would then be heavily linked to the anger and shame of that moment. The memory would either unlock or at least impact it unconsciously in some way, marking the act with a profound bitterness or stopping it altogether. The result: every time his body would ask for attention, he'd be overcome with very intense traumatic feelings and have no idea how to deal with them; so he'd start recoiling instinctively from any sexual thought. Also, since undressing/changing clothes became a triggering act, being even partially nude to touch himself would also stress him immensely.

So instead of indulging, he'd start developing coping mechanisms like focusing on anything else that brought him a sense of pleasure to trick his brain : potions, the dark arts, creating spells etc.

And of course, we can assume that even if someone was trying to approach him at that point, he'd recoil like a wounded animal, expecting mockery and reacting very aggressively.

After Hogwarts: We don't know what might have happened during his 3-4 years after school. We have a lot of creative space, though we know he got a Potion Mastery (??) so he must have studied somewhere and he was active within the DE circles. As @maxdibert pointed in a few posts - which I think is an astute point - the Dark Lord was aware of the affection/attraction Severus had felt towards Lily and, to prove his disinterest, he might have engaged with a few pureblood women. We could speculate on different situations here (and if anyone's interested we could explore this), but as I'm going for deprived!Snape, I'd say it wasn't helpful. At this point he's a young adult, torn between his inexperience and his limboing self-esteem. On top of that he's a deeply proud individual, obsessed with controlling the way he's being perceived. He's already occlumenting his emotions to remain safe, and well, engaging sexually does require some sort of vulnerability he isn't capable of at that point.

Maybe he said some harsh things to his partners when confronted with his clumsiness (even if they were kind), maybe he got bit back (and deserved it). He'd use these instances as confirmation bias to convince himself intimacy wasn't something emotionally safe, interesting nor even remotely pleasant enough.

Then there's Lily's death, and I personally don't see her as having a lot of influence on his sexuality directly (except maybe for the fact that when he had feelings for her, he might have felt she was 'too pretty for him', which fed the first core belief), but it did fuel a ton the last core belief which is : I'm undeserving (because I'm a bad person).

The undeserving part existed prior to her death. It stemmed from his upbringing (undeserving of care), of his social status (undeserving of material comfort), his blood status (undeserving of opportunities), his social awkwardness (undeserving of friendship), his special interest in the dark arts (undeserving of respect).

Lily's death crystallized such deep guilt inside of him that he devoted his life after that to atoning. I'm a firm believer that there's a clear before and after regarding the way he treated his body. Not that things were drastically different, but it made it worse. He ate less, slept less and touched himself even less. Probable not at all for a good few months, maybe even up to a year or so as he was extremely stressed from his new job, depressed and overcomed with grief. Honestly, at that point in his life he was barely functioning.

Then we have his adult life at Hogwarts: at that point in his life he's working and living where his worst trauma occurred. Not great for healing. During those years, he mastered the art of shutting down with occlumency everything he couldn't deal with, including his body's basic needs. He had excuses for everything. Sleeping? How could he rest when he had so much work to do dealing with the little shitheads and that infuriating Headmaster? Eating? Pfft, he had been fine all his childhood, so now he'd eat what he needed to function, but craving something and getting it wasn't something he'd allow himself. Masturbating? Tricky part, because he almost never thought about it anymore. He would not even treat it as a basic need. Like, sleep and food were still required to function, even in limited amount or he would pass out, but he could function without sex. Bottom line is, deep down he would feel undeserving of any sort of pleasure.

Rewarding his body, taking care of it wasn't allowed. It was part of his self-inflicted punishment.

But it would be still natural for his body to seek sexual release from time to time. He'd have hard-ons sometimes in the morning and ignore it until it went away, maybe take a cold shower or - why not - even take a potion he'd have invented to calm it down (or worse, to make it hurt so it would go down, if you want to go the masochistic way). The way I see it, every time he'd have an unwanted sensual/sexual thought (oh, this person at the Three Broomsticks has disarmingly pretty lips, this other person's got very elegant hands, or this one's hips look live they're meant to be grabbed), he'd shut it down immediately.

Fantasizing wouldn't be pleasant either. Each time, it would trigger the self-depreciating thoughts. Who are you fooling ? This person would never touch you, never look at you. And if they did, you wouldn't deserve it and would fuck it up anyway. Faceless people then, but it would still always be tainted with the ghost of years of bitterness, loneliness and unmet needs. So it'd be easier to pretend he doesn't have them or doesn't care. Of course this would do nothing to soothe his sour mood (and here talking from experience: I've been sexually frustrated quite a lot in my twenties, and I can definitely say that the mental relief you feel alongside the physical release when you get it is quite something. Like, I'd be a changed person, just because chemically my brain would finally be swimming again in endorphins. So yeah, at that point in his life I believe he's in dire need of a good shag and is partly always on edge because of this).

And when he would indulge in masturbation, it'd be because he's too tired to fight it or just because he knows that if he does, his body would leave him alone for a while. It would be quick, mechanical, in the dark, the mess cleaned up immediately and then forgotten about. The less thinking involved, the better so it wouldn't trigger the core beliefs. Maybe it'd happen when being tipsy after a night out with the other professors, or just when he was too stressed or exhausted at the end of terms and it was his body's way of asking for a break and a distraction.

I think he'd be also more prone to having his sexual needs resurface when he's not at Hogwarts and the mental toll of being there isn't weighing on him (maybe during summer or maybe even if he goes into the Forbidden Forest to gather potion ingredients, or a trip to Diagon Alley). He would find it really annoying, not realizing how the two are linked.

Then how would he be dealing with the constant tension and redirecting the release ? (fun stuff)

I think he could get a sick pleasure from being able to not indulge for long periods of time, thriving on his sense of control. He'd maybe even feel shame when he finally does, chastising himself for being weak.

When too tired to notice, late at night in his office, his body would hijack control a little bit and he'd start rubbing himself unconsciously with one hand while correcting essays and immediately stop upon realizing.

He'd be a GREAT candidate for edging. Like telling himself that if there's no release it doesn't count and he could get some pleasure whilst still shaming and punishing himself. Maybe sometimes even without touching himself directly, just letting the fabric rub on him, while shifting his hips just a bit. A good compromise he wouldn't want to analyze too closely.

Being pent up all the time makes one irritable, so some of that tension is fueling his already short-tempered nature and getting out by lashing out at idiots. It would also be a way to... spill out but with words (classy I know).

I don't see him doing any sport to get endorphins and relieve tension (though he does prowl the castle at night, that counts as walking haha).

The only part of his body I could see him pay attention to would be his hands as he uses them for potion work. He could be proud of their dexterity and I can imagine him taking care of them. Like, once of twice a week he'd put a cream or an ointment (self-made ofc) and massage his fingers and palms. Nothing sexual about it but it would be the closest he has to a gentle self-touch.

But mostly, his sole source of pleasure would still come from focusing on his interests. Working all night on improving a new potion, loosing himself in the method and appreciating his own skills, or reading about and experimenting with the Dark Arts (I don't think he ever stopped seeking knowledge, which is why he was able to save Dumbledore's ass from Marvolo's ring). These two things are his private garden, something that's inherently his despite everything, and it would be his way of pleasuring himself in an acceptable way: intellectually.

But what about the people around him or potential partners ?

He'd hate any sexual jokes or comments about him or in general. Sexually open people would make him angry (jealous). It'd irk him. As it's such a loaded and repressed subject for him he'd see them as flaunting their unspoken good experiences. He'd try to unconsciously shame them into silence by telling them they're being inappropriate. At the end of the day, it's just his way of protecting himself because he wouldn't know how to navigate the conversation, and his pride wouldn't let him feel ridiculed again.

He would also hate being looked at, even clothed. People judging his body would definitely trigger the awful memory from SWM. He would struggle immensely to accept the possibility of being looked at in an appraising way. If someone was sincere and stubborn enough to convince him they're not lying, he'd be extremely confused and wary.

And if he was to be attracted to that person as well, he'd have to deal with an almost second puberty on top of his core beliefs. He'd be so clumsy, so out of touch with his body and very frustrated with all the unwanted sensations he's not used to deal with. And that's such an interesting and fascinating subject aaaah.

At the end of the day, deep down he doesn't believes he deserves pleasure or comfort in his life so a partner would have to be patient with him. There's a lot of strategies they could try and I'd be delighted to explore them but I'm gonna stop here because this essay is so long already haha. SO, in conclusion:

He needs a good shag.

Thank you for reading.

UPDATE: go here to read how to bed deprived!Snape

I'd love to discuss how it would go with different characters trying to approach him, or I could talk about the classic trope of losing control because of his short temper but with him deprived, so many possibilties aaah, I love it when he's angry AND horny AND clumsy-

Also, my current favorite oneshot of deprived!Snape here : Cursed into Temptation by @marvel-snape-writes (very smutty, amazing, I'm on my knees)

[cryingpariah]

Hatchetverse headcanons (my brain won’t shut up!! The rot is in full effect!!)

- I don’t like how Ruth is left out of the CCRP family headcanoning as so therefore and henceforth she is Charlotte's niece. Charlotte is her dorky but well-meaning number once supporter in her theatre dreams!

- Pete likes tabletop games, Richie likes video games, and Ruth likes word based guessing games. When Stephanie joins the crew she introduces them to card games which is one of the few things Solomon taught that she listened to and enjoyed.

- Richie tries to get Steph ‘cultured’ by watching some starter anime with her. Death Note reminds her too much of Solomon so she’s less interested but she fucks heavy with FMAB.

- Grace gets taken on a DCOM-eqse shopping montage/spree except no one forces her to change her style and they just help her pick out more butterfly clips and sweater vests. She does end up picking out a jean skirt anyway though.

- Max's fear of things like ghost and skele-uns comes from a love of Goosebumps books. He still a nice collection in a labelled box somewhere.

- Bryce and Kim's unnamed nerd characters from HSIKM and Literal Monster (and are tragically never seen again) are dating.

- Wilbur is the one feeding the Sniggles after they come back from Blinky (it's mostly apples or apple based dishes).

- Wilbur's father was a Navy man and is the reason he was in the military to begin with.

- Curt's Sniggles's name is Snigglelex and is best friends with Snigglelots (James's Sniggle) since they work a lot of shifts together.

- The Sniggles are asexually reproduced and can come in up to 3 colors (Pokey canonically doesn’t care for them and I feel like Tinky only cares for the bastards in his box).

- Becky Barnes has dressed like a candy striper nurse on a couple of Halloweens when she was younger.

- Becky and Tom pretended to be sick so they could binge the entirety of ‘Santa Claus is Going To High School: The Series!’ (SCGHSTS if you’re a diehard which they are.)

- On days when the bullying is especially bad (or when he feels like they just need it) Tom will let people eat lunch in the woodshop room. It’s mostly the Fosters + Ethan and the Nerdy Prude gang.

- Given the change from Holloway to Holiday in Killer Track, there’s a non-zero percent chance that Missy is Holloway's first name.

[maxdibert]

Can you please made some Marauders’ era hc? Including the Slytherins and Pandora and those people

But guys, remember please: these are headcanons and long live fanon because fuck canon and fuck JKR, ok? And it’s all canon because fanon is the new canon now

James actually didn’t want to marry Lily, but since he got her pregnant, he had no other choice, his parents forced him. Then he thought about it and figured it wasn’t so bad, because marrying a mudblood made him look like a super progressive guy and boosted that hero image he wanted so badly. Plus, he loved doing things for others and now he could “give Lily a better life.”

Remus was the typical nice boy who acted all saintly, but rumor has it that as an adult he had like 3 or 4 illegitimate kids out there he never took responsibility for (this idea courtesy of @lilithofpenandbook ).

Sirius once ran over his cousins’ house elf with his motorbike during a family gathering after getting absolutely wasted, but since he didn’t consider them people — just slaves — he didn’t really care. It was actually the first and only time he genuinely laughed along with the other Blacks.

Peter had a height complex and Voldemort promised to make him taller if he joined him, and that’s literally the whole story.

Lily didn’t know how to have female friends. Every school year she had a new girl group she’d always fall out with, and then she’d go around telling terrible stories about them to the next group, always playing the victim. Truth is, the girl had a total borderline personality and constantly needed to be the center of attention, and when she wasn’t, she’d stir up drama. That’s why, in the end, her only friends were James’s friends.

Pandora Rosier wasn’t actually a real Rosier but one of those Rosierres from France, who had nothing to do with the UK Rosiers. But people kept confusing her with them until Evan Rosier hung her from the Ravenclaw Tower for half a day for “disgracing his family.” No one helped her because she was a loner nerd, just like her daughter would be.

Marlene McKinnon was a total simp for Sirius Black, even though she was two years older. Sirius, of course, never gave a damn about her after hooking up a couple of times. So in her seventh year, she got with some guy to try to make him jealous. Obviously, it didn’t work, but she did end up pregnant with that guy’s kid. Both the guy and the kids died with her during the war.

Dorcas Meadowes was homophobic and had issues with several members of the Order because of it, so she mostly kept to herself. That’s why Voldemort offed her. Dumbledore didn’t go to the funeral, of course.

Mary McDonald was Lily’s minion. Always trailing after her like a House Elf. She thought that by hanging around Lily, the boys would notice her too but when they looked her way, all they saw was Evans’s personal servant.

Barty Crouch Jr decided to become a Death Eater after seeing a photo of young Tom Riddle Jr. and developing a massive crush on him. For Barty, Voldemort was like Harry Styles for 15-year-old girls. The problem was, he knew Bellatrix Black felt the same way, and that’s where a petty, nasty rivalry started between them for the Dark Lord’s attention.

Evan Rosier had serious anger issues, and more than joining the Death Eaters out of pureblood supremacy, he did it because it gave him a pass to beat up Mudbloods, which was really the only thing he cared about. It was a way to let off steam outside his house and stay out of trouble with his parents.

Regulus Black, to everyone’s surprise, was named #1 fan at the Dark Lord Fan Club before anyone even knew he wanted to join his ranks. This absolutely pissed off Barty and his cousin Bellatrix, who eventually were the ones to give Voldemort the idea to get rid of Kreacher.

[trothplighted]

I think part of the problem at the root of the “straight vs gay” reads of various HP characters (particularly Lupin, though certainly also true for someone like Bill Weasley who was a very popular slashfic staple post-OotP and pre-HBP) is that Joanne is just… utterly terrified to write her male characters expressing any kind of desire for women beyond chaste courtly love hero-worship or the absolute vaguest allusions to sexual arousal

the first is seen especially in Snape’s love for Lily, which Joanne definitely sees as a central brilliant redeeming factor of his personality that changes everything and makes him noble. He is, in many senses, the ultimate Safe Man - below the woman socially, physically less attractive and charismatic than she is, bad at traditional masculine signifiers of gender like sports, ostracized from manhood and picked on/dismissed by other men, totally devoted to the object of his affection, and totally incapable of ever materially impacting her life or touching her or changing her.

(Additionally, I think a significant factor in Snape’s continued complexity is that these character traits - particularly the obsession with one specific Nerd Girl Who Likes Nerd Things - have a remarkably different context in 2025 than they did in 2007. We’ve had over a decade of incel movements and fashy alt-right introverted nerds who were radicalized into violence and disgusting misogyny and racism as a direct result of being unlucky in love in exactly the ways Snape is unlucky in love, and it’s hard for me to blame readers who come away upset with him because real life has shown us way more about how these kinds of men tend to think and act and what they’re motivated by than we had when DH was published. I’m also sympathetic to Snape fans whose interpretations of the character are purposefully separate from IRL context, people who’ve felt consistently the same way about him since publication - it’s really hard when massive cultural shifts forever change the way a character is going to be read, especially because you can’t un-ring that particular bell. But since you can’t un-ring it, I think any sympathetic analysis of Snape has to begin from the starting point that his critics are often speaking from places of personal experience with kinds of stochastic right-wing extremism that parallel what he was actually exposed to in canon. But that’s sort of its own post.)

The second is seen mostly in Harry and Ron and to a lesser extent in James - point of view or central supporting characters who express interest in girls Because That’s What Boys Do, or whose personalities include some element of desiring a girl for reasons that aren’t really explored or explained at all. Harry thinks Cho is pretty, and they kiss, but Harry at no point feels anything for Cho that could be described as sexual desire (though, as @wisteria-lodge points out in a recent post, Harry is probably intended to be read as having physical attraction toward Cho that motivates most of his desire to date her). Ron obviously lusts over Lavender, and to a lesser extent Fleur, when you read GoF and HBP through adult eyes, but we never see him talking about how he feels or what he sees, only that he looks and gapes like a Tex Avery cartoon character. Joanne positions this behavior from both Harry and Ron as immature, not only in terms of them having to earn access to Hermione and Ginny but also in GoF when Arthur teases the boys at the World Cup about being bewitched by the Veela. Worth pointing out that Arthur is in the happiest and most stable relationship we see in the entire series (excluding Bill/Fleur and Andromeda/Ted because we barely see them) and he’s married to a woman who’s described as not particularly attractive - the ideal man, then, can be read as someone who looks for an equal partner who isn’t a beauty queen. Beyond that, Molly is a force to be reckoned with, running her house and her family - Arthur often embodies the henpecked husband stereotypes. A good man is a safe man, and a safe man is one who is to some extent automatically submissive to his wife.

James is in an interesting place here, because his interest in girls and showing off for girls goes hand in hand with the Worst Memory, and therefore he becomes a worse person by becoming someone who’s obviously sexually interested and romantically interested in Lily. His flirting and bragging and brash pursuit of his romantic desires is contrasted with Snape’s quietly heroic love and adoration, and the latter is what Joanne ultimately uplifts as brave and noble and worth pedestalizing.

Remus and Tonks are in the same position - he actively avoids her, she must pursue him, and they only get together because she essentially begs him for it and argues him down. Vernon and Petunia appear to be relative equals, but Petunia still makes a number of decisions that dominate affairs on Privet Drive and Vernon lets her do what she likes and never expresses any desire for her in ways that Harry registers. We know nothing about Alice and Frank, or Lucius and Narcissa, or the Lestranges. And even as Merope is badly badly badly treated by the narrative, her power over Tom Sr. is the most important aspect of their relationship.

This shows a remarkable nervousness around male attention period, even in the abstract, even from “good” characters. She can’t write a man who’s good and heroic and also openly and frequently desires women. She seems kind of incapable of it. Harry’s infamous Chest Monster is an outgrowth of this - she writes his lust for Ginny and his interest in her like something he doesn’t understand, can’t understand, because she doesn’t understand it and (possibly) because her trauma from her domestic abuse prevents her from examining how she feels.

So we get people like Harry (nominally interested in women, is frequently documented staring at Draco or Sirius or Bill) or Lupin (interest in women only confirmed in an interview but never in the text, closest relationship is to a man, marries a queercoded shapeshifter who is a blood relative of that man after his traumatic death) or Bill (canonically GNC by Wizard standards to a degree that makes Molly uncomfortable, romances Fleur entirely off the page until they’re very seriously involved). We get Dumbledore’s queercoding (canon, per author) and Sirius’s queercoding (ambiguous). We get men who are deeply psychosexually fixated on another man to a point of utter devotion (Quirrell and BCJR on Voldemort) while their female counterpart (Bellatrix) is a canon sexual partner of the guy they’re all obsessed with who talks and behaves the same way.

And this really only becomes remarkable when you notice how it compares to other middle-grade and YA fiction.

Daine and Numair (Tamora Pierce’s The Immortals) are the central romantic couple in a series of books with HP’s target audience, and both of them are problematically horny for one another. Rachel Berenson and Tobias (K.A. Applegate’s Animorphs) have long passages of age-appropriate text describing their attraction and desire across multiple books, even though their romance is less important to the plot than the romances in HP. Talia and Dirk (Mercedes Lackey’s Queen’s Own) date and have sex with other people before getting together while both desiring each other, and their appearances as older adults in later books show they’re comfortable with physical intimacy and flirting. There’s more examples that I can think of, but the point stands - Rowling’s male characters are unusually terrified of being horny for members of the opposite sex, and so it’s not surprising that many fans look at that and go “oh so you’re queer and closeted”.

[twink-remus-lupin]

my unpopular marauders opinions

- remus is trans coded

- sirius and james were the tallest

- jegulus is a bad ship

- regulus is aroace

- snape was awful

- james was better for lily

- atyd remus is too mean to be canon (i like him he’s just not canon remus)

- peter was a good friend until the betrayal

- remus & james have an underrated friendship

- jily is one of the best maruaders era ships

- the slytherin skittles were terrible people and we’re acting like they’re all gay icons with tons of piercings who like wearing crop tops and blah blah

- ^ like no they were racists??

- i still don’t like jegulus if you’re looking for a good mlm ship WOLFSTAR IS RIGHT THERE

- rosekiller is a good ship i just don’t like how they’re characterized in fanon

- sirius wasn’t feminine

- remus is gay and sirius is queer

- sirius was a ladies man before he and remus got together

- marlene is a lesbian

- dorcas is also a lesbian

- marylily isn’t a good ship

- james is straight

- james was more sirius’s brother than regulus ever was

- sirius wasn’t a monster for leaving regulus he was just a kid

- hope lupin was an amazing mother

- remus wasn’t angry after the prank, just heartbroken. it was james and peter that were angry

- remus, peter and james were super close, especially post-prank

- snily is literally the worst goddamn ship ever

- wolfstar is oversexualized in the fandom

- remus had daddy issues

- james was desi

- the marauders weren’t that popular they were just nerds

- james has adhd

- remus is made way too mean/possessive/overly masc in 90% of fanon

- people make sirius gender-fluid just because he has long hair

[astracoreiiisblog]

sirius black head canons

gray eyes and black wavy hair

tallest marauders

athletic build

his beard and hair grow fast asf

always manspreads

is very polite and gentleman-like when he wants to

he enjoyed bickering with walburga before shit got too serious

bellatrix's favorite cousin before hogwarts

ignored regulus's like it was his life mission and would reach out to him when he was bored enough

james and him once have held hands while peeing on a bush and everyone laughed their ass off

has tried most drugs, but doesn't really fancy them, cigarettes work for him either when he is stressed or in a group setting, and 100% is a bad alcoholic drinker

knows a few languages

he loves bickering with marlene bc she always matches his cruelty, and she knows how to put him in place

loves showing his nerd side (especially to lily who gets it)

reads/writes a lot, but stuff for advanced magic way ahead of his years

never dries his hair with a hair dryer

loves quidditch but it's not as passionate as james

he likes being quiet with remus

peter used to hide in his pocket all the time bc he is usually wearing something with a lot of pockets when they go out

would not say that he fucked around, but 100% has experience

is batshit crazy about older women

prefers women over men

a night owl

probably would start his day with whiskey

[shapelytimber]

Look, social media aus are very dumb but fun to do fklxkdk Illya would make short videos (mostly) about fashion, and Napoleon would be very unsubtle about being a Spy

I am formally apologizing to the uncle fandom for tiktoker Illya Kuryakin, I have no regrets (also @quijicroix is part responsible, being my evil advisor)

Here are the posts in details, and the profile pics :)

[COMMISSIONS]

No process this time, just me yapping for way to long about every choice and refs that went into this dumb au below vvv

Illya is younger than Napoleon (I usualy headcanon him at around 25 and Napoleon 35ish), so I think their use of social media would be quite different : hence Illya on Tiktok and Napoleon on Instagram. Also it's not the 60s so Illya can be like 10% less reppressed :)) but as a debuff Napoleon now has the technology to call him a nerd

Illya's page started as a cover for some affair, but he ended up kinda enjoying doing it in his free time. It's like a hobby for him, a way to experiment with fashion ! It's what made him want to pursue fashion design as a career after his curent spy job. And also I think he gets more and more nervous the more followers he gets, because as a spy having a chance to get recognise in the street is really bad dkdldlos Napoleon teases him endlessly that he became a tiktoker (as he should)-

Did I, at one point in the project, had to scrap the thirst trap idea to keep the fashion nerd vibes ? Yes I did, but just know he uses the "twink" tag :)

• The first post is a ref to the discotheque affair, not the best episode and a great miss for not including a disco Illya outfit, so I made him one to match the other :D

• The second is to the Hot number, but he gets to wear the thrush pattern !

• The third one is what made me do all of this ! Because, if you're not french, you might not know about one of my favorite yearly twitter threads : Met Gala outfits as INSEE graphs by Clara Dealberto ! Don't care about the met gala, but this is very funny :) and such a Illya Kuryakin thing to do kdkdkd

• fourth one isn't fashion related, it's a ref to popart and the "he has Dostoïevski eyes" line that made us laught a lot

• A little Fiddlesticks for the dog post, because it's a banger episode. Plus a nod to he dog expert from it, with whom Illya had palpable sexual tension fkfkfkl I like to think they kept contact ;) (shoutout to this fic (Intensity by AconitumNapellus) who absolutely get the vision, 10/10 guy to "cheat" on your boyfriend with)

• and the final one is a make over because of course it is

As for Napoleon, being older and less invested in this, an instagram made sense. But crutialy, I get such strong modern oss117 vibes from Napoleon (the way he shoots his gun, the goofy faces, the awkward stance everytime he enters a place, the inexplicable in universe rizz...) dkfkldls modern oss117 was a parody of both 60s james bond and older oss117 movies, but I'm now convinced they also whatched some uncle while doing these, it's just so obvious- anyway all this to say, in the second movie oss117 has to pose as a photographer and gets way too invested in his cover (it's his thing don't question it), and at the end of the movie we get to see all the photography he took during his mission..... Let me tell you how hard it was to resist him having an instagram full of blurry women on the street (canon 60s napoleon would have done it I'm sorry)- but what I kept was the pretty "badly" shot pics of random things, tho you sometimes get the odd decent pic taken by Illya. And he gets to be in a duck floatie as a treat and nod to oss <3

• Pinned post is because it became frustrating for him having to respond to people asking him if it was his real name or if he was a far right french man simping for Bonaparte

• first post is not a ref, but if my very sexy flat car was burning in the desert I would take a pic (ft Illya despairing) kdkdkd

• Duck floatie is a oss117 ref

• selfie with a beautiful woman (ft his finger), no ref I just love drawing women

• also Fiddlesticks for the cute Napoleon fox !! And to kinda link the two profiles :)

• and finaly Spy with my face ! He tried taking a picture of his date (I'll let you decide who it was), but oops front facing camera kdkdkdk

Can you tell I had a lot of fun doing this ? I love this show way to much omfg

PS : if you've never seen the recent oss117 movies, you should they funny ! But oh god some jokes are terrible- the first one is the best, minus one gay joke frankly not great. They nail the gay joke in the second one but oh god... They do not always win the 'is our character a piece of shit or is the movie problematic' gamble so be aware of that. And the 3rd one is shit don't bother

PPS : I don't use Tiktok, I tried my best to emulate the feeling of it but be aware I have no idea what I'm doing dkkdld

[chiquita-3]

I’m new here and will not be tagged haha, but I will take you up on your open invites @houndsinhades and @wolfpants! It’s so lovely to learn about the people behind the scenes, also thank you @hoko-onchi-writes and @getawayfox for sharing. 🥰

3 ships I like: Drarry and all the triads with them (Dronarry, Tedrarry, etc.), followed by my other fav ship when I need a break from canon cuteness - Tomarry. 🐉⚡️🐍

First ship ever: Lily/James. This was my internet awakening era, like you can read novels about characters you love and want to see more of?? 🤯 Bonus fact: the first fic I ever wrote was a Marauder’s version of Grease, titled (of course) Sleekeasy. 🤣

Last song you heard: Save the World by Swedish House Mafia, my 2010s rave kid is showing. 🫶🏼

Favourite childhood book: It was genuinely Harry Potter. I grew up alongside Harry and there is no other book or series I have as many core memories with. Fuck JKR. I’m now here for the healing magic of fanfiction. 🩵🩷🤍

Currently reading: Period Power by Maisie Hill. Forever and always a menstrual nerd.❣️

Currently watching: Just started Kingdom, medieval Korean zombies?? Yes please. 💀⚔️

Currently consuming: Tea and toast! My go-to combo is extra strong (over brewed?) black tea plus homemade sourdough with butter and orange marmalade. ☕️

Currently craving: an edible to help me tackle the home pit with my lemon cleaner lol 🌱🍋

Pets: Hardcore dog parent here to a little ball of marshmallow sunshine and a fierce majestic bitch that I’ve tamed (mostly) 🐾💕

Tagging some other folks with work I’ve read/seen and loved recently but no pressure of course: @the-invisibility-bloke @maesterchill @tackytigerfic @eleadore @thecouchsofa @the-forbidden-forest @jittery-wisp @lqtraintracks @lemonlimelea @rainjulyx @twnkwlf-writes @its-the-allure

[izzythehutt]

The Sirius being in love with James if he was into dudes is so real - how did Jegulus and Wolfstar become so popular when Prongsfoot was right there?!

The real reason is that shipping is more often a product of what fan culture wants than what the story itself shows (which is fine!) When Wolfstar became a thing, Jily was still the most popular ship for the MWPP era, and so you basically could have everyone's favorite characters double-dating (perfect excuse to cut unpopular Peter out of the dynamic altogether.) It was insanely popular for years and dominated all fanart and fanfic for those two characters—people when the books came out really thought it was canon and there was a lot of drama when Remadora sailed. The dynamic with Sirius and Remus in those fics played with a lot of typical/popular slash tropes (cool guy and bookish hot nerd) of the early 2000s.

Now, people ship what they ship, that's fine. My biggest issue with Wolfstar is that I feel like it led to people in the fandom fundamentally misinterpreting the dynamic of the Marauders as a group. James is clearly the person both of them like and trust the best of their friends, and it's canon that they both distrusted each other enough to each think the other was a spy. There is nothing in the books that would indicate there is anything particular in Lupin and Sirius's relationship (they might have actually been the least close of the four, given what happened.) In the Willow scene there is a classic adolescent boy group pecking order and Lupin is very obviously below James in Sirius's esteem. It's not a friendship of equals and is never portrayed as such. Lupin's inability to check Sirius and James's less savory behavior is a major character defining trait—he and Peter are both the followers in the group.

For the record, I think you could write Sirius/Remus in a romantic dynamic that would be consistent with their characters in the books, it would just be a hell of a lot more dysfunctional than fandom usually portrays them. Sirius would probably be using Lupin because he can't get James and Lupin would understand that's what's happening but put up with it because he has low self-esteem. He would still be passive-aggressive as hell, though.

Of course, Sirius and James having a romantic relationship gets in the way of the most important canon relationship, that of Harry's parents, which is why I suspect it never got a lot of traction in the fandom.

Jegulus seems to be a product of just moving away from the books/straight ships tbh. Back in my day Jily was a totally sacrosanct ship, nobody shipped either of them with anyone (except Snape with Lily, which actually had a canon basis! I guess Snape/James sort of existed too, but that was pretty fringe.)

Bonus: I even find Sirius and Snape being shipped together more plausible/interesting than Sirius and Lupin, lol. Shout out to the Snack people.

[sorenphelps]

I work in Corporate, and as i was promoted to Manager this year, i had to attend a lot of “Business skills” trainings… and of course, i’m about to apply the gathered knowledge to my Marauders headcanons😅

So here’s a very brief summary of my thoughts about their DISC profiles:

All right, I’m just gonna assume that all of you know the basics about DISC, the colours might be different, but the name of each profile and characteristics are the same in all versions. Also as almost everyone has a mixture of these profiles, i decided to go with the two most prominent one for each of them.

Starting with James, who is a D and an I (red/yellow), because while he is also a big nerd, he is definitely too extroverted to have high results on the left side of this DISC wheel. He’s a true leader, has a very strong moral compass, but he is generally a funny dude. Judging from his actions in canon, he is definitely a do it immediately kind of guy. He can connect to Sirius the most as they both share the D/red profile, and he also works good with Peter via their shared I/yellow profile. His opposite is Remus, and while he obviously loves and supports him in canon, i think he would feel conflicted about some of Remus’ actions the same way as his son was multiple times.

Peter is an I and S (yellow/green) profile, the S/green is more obvius why, but considering how he liked to sourround himself with powerful people and how much attention he gave to James, i think the I/yellow is not that far-fetched, especially if you consider that he was really a spy and could frame Sirius, he must be at least a little influencing/manipulative. He can connect to James via their shared I/yellow profile, and to Remus even more via their shared S/green profile. This is highlighted if you consider him being friends to Remus first and only getting “adopted” to this friend group later by James as a canon fact. His opposite is Sirius, and it’s sort of obvious how they connect the least with each other.

Remus is a S and C (green/blue) profile, he is not good with conflicts, and he is the most introverted out of the four. He is also quite a nerd, he enjoys researching, that’s how he can connect the most with Sirius, through their shared C/blue profile. He connects to Péter via their shared S/green profile, as Péter can sort of trigger the “mother hen” tendencies of Remus by presenting himself as weak (especially when Sirius is mean to him). His opposite would be James, however as James is a true leader and Remus likes to follow on main, their relationship still works out.

Sirius is a C and D (blue/red) profile, because he is the most task focused of the group to the point of seeming rude and cold to others. He values knowledge and he is very analytical, he does the research because he is geniunely interested and wants to go deeper. He also has strong morals (and even a temper), no wonder he connects best to James via their shared D/red profile. He can also connect to Remus via their shared C/blue profile, while his opposite is Peter, who posesses all those characteristics that Sirius just can’t really connect to, and are probably the least tolerant to even in his other mates.

[maxdibert]

Hello!

Fistly, I love your content <3

Secondly, do you think there were other reasons besides the difference in wealth, class and power as to why James and Sirius treated Severus the way they did?

They mock and humiliate him and reduce him to a toy, a doll to have fun with. But if that's all there is, they should torment him and leave, right? However, that does not happen. And this is the part I find odd. The way they watch him during the exam in the flashback (what business do they have watching someone write their paper?), the way Sirius' eyes follow him like a preditor to a rabbit when he spots Snape under the tree. James promises Lily to stop pranking people, but goes behind her back to get to Severus anyway. He dies for the tiniest chance that this woman may leave, but he betrays her trust that easily just to torment Snape more? It seems a bit obsessive to me, not just the typycal bullying,worse, something a bit off. Obsessive from James' side and then Sirius would follow his lead in any case. Ofc, I could be wrong about all of this.

What do you think?

<3

Oh, this is such a juicy question, and thanks for the kind words! ❤️

Buckle up, because we're diving deep into the murky waters of school bullying dynamics and why James and Sirius’s treatment of Severus isn’t your average schoolyard torment. (I love to made these type of meta because analyze violence is my cardio lol) This is gonna be looooooong:

At its core, bullying thrives on power imbalances. James and Sirius had every advantage: wealth, status, looks, charisma, magical talent—you name it. Severus, on the other hand, was everything they weren’t: poor, socially awkward, a loner, and unkempt. People like James and Sirius often prey on someone like Severus because he represents a threat to their sense of superiority. He’s smart, talented, and doesn’t bow to them, which means they can’t control or dominate him the way they can others. For people like James, that’s an itch they have to scratch.

But with James and Sirius, this goes beyond garden-variety bullying. It has this weird intensity to it that’s worth unpacking and as you said before, there’s something almost compulsive about the way James and Sirius target Severus. This isn’t just "let’s embarrass the nerd for laughs and move on." It’s fixated. Watching him during an exam? Catching sight of him under a tree and zoning in like a predator? Going out of his way to break his promise to Lily just to torment him again? That’s next-level, and here’s why that might be:

Severus was different: Beyond class, wealth, and upbringing, Severus was a challenge. He didn’t back down, didn’t beg, and he didn’t play the role of the "grateful victim" who might humor them to escape more torment. Instead, he fought back (verbally or with magic), which probably pissed James off even more. Bullies hate it when their victim refuses to crumble.

Insecurity masked as dominance: James, despite his wealth and privilege, could still be deeply insecure. Think about it: someone like Severus, who came from nothing, could rival him in magical skill and intelligence. That’s a big bruise to James’s ego. Bullying might have been his way of proving to himself—and everyone watching—that he was "better."

Additionally, let’s not forget that canonically, James’s animosity toward Severus began because of his relationship with Lily. It’s likely that, until he managed to date her and ensure any bond she had with Severus was completely severed, James experienced jealousy, anger, and even the insecurity of thinking they might have something more.

For someone like James—accustomed to being handed everything by his doting parents, who gets what he wants with the snap of a finger, and who’s probably never been told “no”—insecurity wasn’t something he’d know how to handle. The idea that someone like Severus, from a rival house, who held beliefs James had been taught were “wrong,” who was poor, scruffy, unattractive, could possibly achieve what James wanted, or spend endless time with the girl he liked, must have been inconceivable. Unthinkable.

Once again, class and status come into play: the wealthy kid who’s had everything can present himself as a fighter for social justice, but deep down, in certain situations, that intrinsic sense of superiority and entitlement always surfaces. After winning Lily over, James probably thought he had every right to treat Severus however he wanted. By that point, he’d dehumanized him to such an extent that he no longer saw him as a person.

On top of that, if you consider that James likely justified his bullying by convincing himself it was legitimate because Severus was hanging around with dark wizards, it all makes sense. It’s the classic psychological mechanism of rationalizing harmful behavior: “I’m not doing anything wrong; he deserves it.” It’s actually a pretty logical progression when you think about it.

Sirius’s role: Sirius is a complicated mess of a character. Growing up in a family where dominance, control, and punishment were the norm, Sirius might have channeled that energy into his dynamic with Severus. If James was leading the charge, Sirius probably saw joining in as a way to solidify their bond while also exercising some of his own unresolved issues. But the predatory way you describe Sirius observing Severus? That’s chilling, and it checks out.

I’ve mentioned this in another post, but Sirius is a Black, and his rebellious persona and attempts to distance himself from his family rested on two fundamental pillars: being a Gryffindor and defending Muggle-borns. However, at the end of the day, Sirius was still a boy raised in an aristocratic family that believed they were superior to others for absurd reasons. This superiority complex led them to treat an entire group of people as “the other,” dehumanizing them to justify their marginalization and even their extermination.

These are the values Sirius grew up with, and like many rich kids who rebel without bothering to deconstruct the behavioral patterns they’ve inherited, he thought that simply rejecting blood purity and getting Sorted into another house was enough to absolve him.

But Snape’s presence challenges that belief. Sirius’s relationship with Severus reveals that, deep down, Sirius isn’t so different from his mother or his cousin Bellatrix. Sirius sees Snape as “the other.” He dehumanizes Severus in the same way his family dehumanizes Muggle-borns—but for being a Slytherin and for desiring the things Sirius himself has chosen to reject. This cognitive dissonance makes Sirius feel justified in tormenting Severus, much like his family feels justified in their bigotry.

In the end, Sirius is just another hypocrite with a different spin—like so many others.

I’ve also pointed out several times that Sirius has a sadistic streak. Maybe not to the same degree as Bellatrix, because she’s clearly far more unhinged, but Sirius does have that violent, bloodthirsty impulse typical of the Blacks. Since he can’t channel it the way his family does, he chose an easy target—someone disliked by many, someone who didn’t fit in, who was isolated, and, most tragically, someone who no one cared about, not even his own parents. Sirius used Severus as a means to vent his anger and sadistic tendencies, fully aware that no one would step in to defend him.

Furthermore, as a wealthy boy from an aristocratic family with progressive ideas, it’s no surprise that Sirius relied on James as his moral compass when he struggled to discern right from wrong. If James believed it was entirely justified to bully and torment Severus, why would Sirius think otherwise?

James embodied everything Sirius wished he could be: a boy with the same privilege as him, but from a family without extremist beliefs. James’s parents treated Sirius like a son. They believed in “good” things. They were the “good” ones. If James was convinced that bullying Severus was the right thing to do, then Sirius had no reason to question it.

It became a way for Sirius to justify and validate his own awful behavior—a pattern that’s sadly all too common among bullies.

When we look at how James and Sirius treated Severus, it’s clear they didn’t just see him as someone to mock and forget; they actively sought to dehumanize him. This process of dehumanization is deeply rooted in power dynamics. Severus wasn’t just the “nerd” they bullied—he was someone who challenged their place in the social order. He dared to stand up to James over Lily and, as a highly capable student, constantly reminded them that they weren’t untouchable. Even if they had reached the top of the social and academic hierarchy, Severus was proof that someone outside their circle could match or even surpass them. In their eyes, Severus became the "other," someone who had to be eliminated to keep their world intact.

Dehumanization in bullying has devastating effects on the victim. It’s not just about causing temporary physical or emotional harm—it’s about erasing the person’s identity, reducing them to nothing more than an object for entertainment or a pawn in a game of power.

In Severus’s case, James and Sirius didn’t just want to make him miserable—they wanted to strip away his dignity, his individuality, and his sense of self-worth. They needed to prove, not only to Severus but also to themselves and their peers, that he didn’t belong. This is why their actions go beyond mere pranks or teasing—they were asserting their dominance and ensuring that Severus could never challenge the status quo they benefited from.

The relationship between James, Sirius, and Severus is a reflection of how power dynamics, insecurity, and the struggle for control can lead to psychological abuse far more complex than simple schoolyard rivalry. Throughout the story, James and Sirius don’t just try to humiliate Severus—they do it to prove something about themselves, about their place in the world, and about the relationships they maintain with those around them. This isn’t just bullying; it’s a demonstration of how children raised in a dysfunctional value system, with a limited understanding of others, can wield destructive power over the more vulnerable.

That’s why, when we look at Severus and understand what he endured, it’s not just a matter of “he joined the Death Eaters because he was bad.” There’s a context of pain, abuse, and a desperate search to belong to something or someone. What James and Sirius did wasn’t just cruel—it was one of the cornerstones that pushed Severus down the path he later followed.

[ramblingsfromthytruly]

y'all i'm all for respecting headcanons but COME ON.. remus lupin is a fucking 'loony' loser. he was a quiet, lanky, awkward kid part of a group of nerds who went around with a group name unironically. the marauders obviously thought they were cool but i promise you the other students thought they were these loser dorks. yeah sirius & james were popular but they were also massive losers lmao. the marauders according to other people were just these idiot class clowns who shared a braincell amongst themselves.

they were losers. they were nerds. they were also slight assholes. they were stupid fucking teenagers, not the greatest people to ever walk the halls of hogwarts who everyone would bow to their feet. heck if u want a popular cool person, lily was more like that according to canon. they were fun, not cool. and remus holy shit was NOT the casanova of gryffindor tower. you can say mary. you can say marlene. you can even say sirius (according to canon). but not remus holy hell!!

yeah that's my two cents lol. i love the idiotic nerdy wannabe-cool-and-edgy dorks that they are (with realistic flaws because they were teenage boys yk), not the oh-so-cool everyone-is-obsessed-with-them bad-boys that fanon loves. and remus lupin is NOT an overconfident perpetually-sarcastic mean 8 feet tall cold edgy alpha that everyone was in love with and would bend over backwards for.