#the absolute validation and joy i got from this ask is indescribable

[crossbackpoke-check]

You have excellent tag thoughts, especially about Key & Laf!!!!

thank you!!!! i wish i had a better description than just 🥹🦋😭💕🥰 to explain my reaction to you saying nice things about my tags but please trust that this ask just made my day!!!

[dogsliampaynedoesntinstagram]

Hi Ralph. I’ve been catching up on your blog this morning (as one does, I highly suggest a quick perusal of the New York Times, Washington Post, New Yorker, The Guardian and … Dogsliampaynedoesntinstagram for a snapshot of what’s happening the world) and your response re: the stories we tell, and the story of intra-band relationships caught my eye. Reading your thoughts on the relationships all of the boys have with each other was really interesting and brought a lot of joy to my morning, and I agree with your thoughts in large part. Your version of Harry/Liam dynamic especially both made me laugh and struck me as incredibly true. It is exactly how I imagine their relationship, and the description of the two of them as magnets chasing each other around the table made me actually honest to god laugh out loud.

But your thoughts about Harry being someone who finds directness and messiness quite stressful and responds by withdrawing resonated with me on a personal level, and made me think back to another question you answered (at least I’m fairly certain it was you) about mental health in the boys. You said something to the effect of you personally didn’t see much anxiety in Harry/the way Harry presents himself but you know others might. I actually see a fair bit of anxiety in Harry, in ways I recognize from my own experience with anxiety. In particular I see a lot of myself in the various ways Harry responds and reacts to other people, and your thoughts about how Harry and Liam interacts is a good example of that. I’m not sure I’m going to be very successful in my attempt to put this into words, but I will try. Other people, as a general rule, make me incredibly uncomfortable and bring me a lot of stress and always have. To be clear, I am not saying this is the same for Harry, in fact I believe it probably isn’t (he seems to be someone who really enjoys interacting and connecting with a lot of people, at least on a surface level). But one of the things that most freaks me out is that other people all want or need something from me. While I have a therapist who has been indescribably wonderful in helping me understand that most of that is actually my perception of other people and not always reality, the fact still remains that in every interaction I have with other people there’s always part of me that is wondering “what do they need from me, what do they want from me, how do I give it to them, how have I already failed to give it to them, how do I fix it, can I even fix it” and on and on and on. Once again, I am not trying to say that this exact experience of mine has also been an experience of Harry’s. That would be hugely presumptuous and pretty self centered and also based on no real identifiable facts. I’m saying this mostly as background, to explain that I am a person who struggles a great deal with anxiety, and a great deal of that anxiety is fueled by my perception that other people are always wanting/needing things from me that I may or may not be able to give them. On its ugliest days, this anxiety results in me just withdrawing entirely. This is especially true when I am dealing with someone who feels emotionally volatile or unpredictable (I.e. … messy) and/or someone who I don’t feel safe making mistakes around (often these are people who tend to communicate in ways that are especially direct, but that read to me as abrupt, cold, or callous). In these situations, I feel like I am set up for failure from the jump - these people want something I am absolutely unable to give, my inability to give it will piss them off, they’ll turn all those messy emotions on me or get angry with or be cruel to me, and so it’s best if I don’t bother. I get short of breath, my heart rate increases, I become nauseous and fidgety and my response is to just leave. Just bail on the person and the situation and hide myself away. There are certainly situations where this is my brain being a bully, and there are situations where this is a valid read on the particular person or situation. But in general, for me, personally, this is a manifestation of my anxiety that I deal with almost every day. I see it pretty clearly in Harry, too. I realize I may be projecting, my perception ≠ the only possible reality, and I am not arrogant or foolish enough to believe it does. I may be totally wrong. But those are my experiences and my observations, and I was reminded of them in the context of your old ask this morning.

Thanks so much for this anon - it's really lovely and interesting and I'm sorry it took me so long to reply. I really love telling stories about the different relationships within 1D and I love hearing that they resonate. So thanks so much.

I find your thoughts about Harry really interesting. And they resonate with an anon I answered yesterday. And one of their assumptions was that Harry had never felt unloved a day in their life. I can see where they're coming from, but I don't think it's true.

That is I think, one of the interesting things about Harry is that so much confidence radiates out of him. Even just the way Dermot used to talk about him on X-factor as the most confident person he'd ever met, and it's not like anything has changed. But at the same time you get these moments and these glimpses where you realise that there is an anxiety - not necessarily underneath, but somewhere in the middle of all that confidence.

What you say about your experiences I think is really useful for Harry. I think one of the differences is that Harry has always been confident that he can give people what they want or need from him. And it's something that's got easier as he's gotten older. If you're Harry Styles it's actually very easy to make people happy. I do think he's very much figured out that being kind from a position of power is a very powerful mood (that doesn't require that much work).

But I suspect what all means that when his anxiety comes up - when he can't make people happy and give them what they want - then he's not very good at dealing with it (and he does withdraw). There is a little bit of compulsion to me in the idea that everyone must think good things about him. I think there is more in common with him and Lima than you'd think in some ways (makes sense that's why they're magnets). But Harry is much better at masking what's going on, and he's much more intuitive at making people happy than Lima is (who is always a little too literal).

Anyway I hope your life has been very good since you wrote me this anon. You seem super aware and perceptive and I really enjoy it.

[my-mystic-messenger]

MC wants to have a child

You didn't really tell me who you're requesting for so I just wrote for the RFA. I hope you enjoy :3

♬Zen♬

You'd entertained the thought for a long time before actually voicing it. It's not like you were scared of the reaction, but more so the fact that life just got in the way of such talks. By the time the right moment came, you'd already been pondering the idea for almost a year. 

He didn't outright refuse the notion – starting a family with you was definitely something he wanted – but he insisted that it wasn't the time for it yet. He had a blooming career to take care of that wouldn't allow him to be a proper father. The worst part was, you understood where he was coming from. He was a rising star who barely had time for romance let alone raising a child. He wanted to do right by the kid after what had happened to him and you couldn't fault him for that. However the problem with basing such grave decisions on exterior factors tended to lead to disappointment. Before you knew it Zen had become not only an idol in Korea but an international star, years spend jet packing around the world. By the time you two finally settled enough to potentially start a family, it was already too late. You still wanted a child, you just didn't want to birth it at this stage in your life. Both of you were too old to start from the beginning, so you found a different solution. You decided to foster, giving a loving home to not just one but dozens of children over the course of your life. It wasn't what you'd initially planned, but it turned out so much better in the end. Fate had a way of handling things in the most unexpected ways...

★Yoosung★

The two of you were lying on the couch, Yoosung filling out some paperwork for the clinic while you read a book that you brought up the idea of having a child together. His reaction to the suggestion was surprisingly non-existent. 

You noticed his eyes freeze mid sentence, widening a little when the words finally registered in his mind. He swallowed, blinked rapidly a couple of times before finally putting the papers down and meeting your eyes. It wasn't like he didn't want to have children. The two of you had been married for a couple of years, you had a little kitten you practically parented like a child and Yoosung had actually matured into something akin to a functioning adult. You said nothing, observing Yoosung silently lulling the thought over. If you pushed him now, he'd only retreat further and it would be much harder to get him to open up again. Instead you watched as the wheels turned inside his head. It was about five minutes of what must have been an intense inner monologue – you having returned to reading your book in the meantime – that Yoosung's eyes finally cleared and he beamed at you with the realization that yes, he was ready to be a father. However, he wasn't in a rush and you didn't push him. Instead the both of you continued down the path of life together, contented until finally two years later being content turned into being delighted when your child finally saw the light of day.

♨Jaehee♨

Imagine being in love with someone, only to find out that said person didn't even register her own feelings for you, let alone yours. It had taken Jaehee ages to figure out she liked you as more than just a friend. It had been quite crushing...

So, you carefully planned bringing the topic up to Jaehee, making absolutely sure that it was not only the right moment to do so, but that the two of you were on the same page relationship wise. You didn't feel like repeating past mistakes.

Lucky for you, Jaehee was one-hundred percent on the same page as you. Not only was she excited to adopt a child with you, but apparently she herself had been mulling the thought over for some time. The both of you were ready!

Of course there was still a lot of planning and preparing to be done and Jaehee was determined to give it her absolute best. Everything from comparing orphanages to baby proofing the house and reading every possible parenting book there was. Of course nothing really prepared you for the first time you met the child you'd soon get to call your own. Nothing prepared you for the unconditional love that would overwhelm you, the indescribable need to protect and cherish that tiny human being. When the day of finalizing the paperwork and taking your child home finally came, everything fell into place perfectly. All the worries and fears of not having prepared enough or not being good enough died the moment your held the kid that was now your own.

♛Jumin♛

The moment you suggest having a child together to Jumin he experiences what being overjoyed feels like. Ever since you'd met he'd always been the driving force of your relationship, moving forward and prone to rush into things.

He knew that you loved him just as much as he loved you, but eventually he'd grown anxious, fearing that maybe he'd been pushing too far, too fast. Having you be the first one to suggest the next big step in every couples relationship was like a dream come true.

In a sense it validated Jumin, making him feel even more secure in the love you shared. So much so that when you brought up the topic, for the first time in what must have been decades at this point, Jumin felt his eyes water up.

He wrapped his arms around you, holding you so tight it felt like he was scared you'd disappear if he didn't. He replied without hesitation, followed by him pampering your entire face with feathery kisses as you chuckled happily. Jumin also lost no time when it came to turning your plans into reality. Lo and behold, ten months later your first child was born. It was when Jumin held them for the first time that he experienced a feeling beyond even words like rapturous and exhilarated. The second those little, chubby fingers wrapped around one of his, all the threads in his head disappeared with a heartbeat and his life found a new meaning he could have never anticipated. Bring you and your child – and all your children to come – all the joy in the world.

☼Saeyoung/Seven☼

You'd been worried about bringing up the idea of having children up since the moment the thought had crossed your mind. Somehow you couldn't imagine Saeyoung agreeing to it and as it turned out, you were right. Saeyoung absolutely refused to have children. Not just for the time being, but for the rest of his life. Just the thought seemed to send a shudder down his spine and the realization hit you harder than you expected: you would never be a mother. You knew seeing you weep broke his heart, but you couldn't help yourself and he refused to budge on the matter. When you asked why he looked pained. As it turned out, there was much more to it than him possibly not loving you enough. For one he explained himself to be an utter man-child, a kid's heart locked in a man's body. He might have looked adult, but he wasn't adult enough to raise a child of his own. He refused to abandon his child or do wrong by him like his parents did. Then of course there was the matter of his past. Not only had he enemies on his trails still from the time he'd taken down his organization, but he also had Saeran to consider who took up a lot of his attention. A child would have come shot. The sincerity in his eyes and words made accepting the harsh reality even harder. Saeyoung would have made an excellent father, but you would never get to share that experience with him. Worst of all, it was sadly for the best.

[bellabooks]

3 Days in Queer Utopia: Thoughts on Clexacon

Las Vegas may be known as Sin City, but for a majority of the 2200 Clexacon goers, Las Vegas was more like an oasis in the desert. What was originally conceived as a small but clear response to the Bury Your Gays trope and the death of Lexa on The 100, evolved over the course of a year into a massive celebration of all things queer and female focused in entertainment. The fun started even before the con kicked off, with a party the night before at one of Vegas’ LGBTQ bars, the Phoenix. Queer, trans, non-binary folks and allies alike crammed into the space to drink, dance and meet longtime social media friends in the flesh. The band Betty even took the stage to belt out a tune. Alas, it was not the L Word theme song! The excitement was palpable on Day One of the con and continued throughout the three days, even as peoples’ bodies were weary from late nights and long days. God bless the Clexacon staff and volunteers who walked their feet to the bones and were always available for questions and assistance. Here’s a peek at Day One put together by Clexacon.   I was lucky enough to moderate one of the first panels of the con, Creating a Web Series, with panelists Christin Baker from Tello Films, Nancylee Myatt (South of Nowhere, Nikki and Nora), Paige Bernhart (Nikki and Nora, NCIS Nola) and Aasha Davis (South of Nowhere, Drunk History, The Unwritten Rules). Paige and Nancylee brought a little bit of Mardi Gras to Vegas with them, tossing beads and swag into the audience, and right off the bat you knew it was going to be a great panel. What an honor to speak with such an experienced and talented group of women. In fact, every panel I attended was absolutely killer. Big conversations were started, exciting ideas were generated, bonds were formed, and you couldn’t help but feel that if you could harness the heart of this event, it would have the power to really change the world. I walked away with so much more than I came with, and I am so grateful to all who shared their experiences and knowledge. I only wish I could have attended more smaller panels. Of course, one of the major draws of Clexacon were the big room panels. Panels with big names like the Spashley reunion of Gabrielle Christian and Mandy Musgrave, Wayhaught (with an adorably awestruck Kat Barrell, Dominique Provost-Chalkey and Emily Andras), Shoot (Sarah Shahi and Amy Acker who were incredible sports), Lost Girl, Saving Face, BAM from All My Children, and of course, Carmilla’s Elise Bauman and Natasha Negovanlis, otherwise known as Hollstein. Here’s vid from that panel, where I asked Elise and Natasha to reenact famous scenes between queer tv and movie couples. Let’s just say, they crushed it. It starts at the 20:49 mark.   Other big room panels like Lexa’s Legacy, Year in Review, Power of Queer Social Media, and LGBTQ Actresses  drew big crowds, and had some pretty amazing moments. Another big event was Emily Andras’ writing workshop, which I was lucky enough to attend along with a packed house. Andras has a wonderfully funny but no nonsense approach to writing and is an excellent teacher. The artists alley was full of talented folks selling their wares, as well as organizations spreading the word. My suitcase was no joke, 10 lbs heavier when I left, thanks to all the great merch and Tim Tams straight from Australia. (Thanks Amber!) For a first time con, Clexacon went quite smoothly. Sure there were a few hiccups, but there was so much joy in the air, everyone just rolled with it. I met attendees as young as 8 years old and those in their 70s.  People from across town and across the world.  I can tell you this: I will be back next year. For me personally, from the moment I stepped through the con doors, to the moment I said goodbye to Las Vegas, Clexacon was one of the greatest experiences of my personal and professional life. I learned so much from all of you, and I am grateful, honored and humbled to have met so many lovely people and moderated some incredible panels. I hope you liked all the Bella swag! I know my experience differs from others simply based on the fact that I was there as a moderator and not as a guest, so I have asked Bella readers and Clexacon attendees to share their experiences with us. I’d also invite you to share with us in the comments! “Clexacon was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. I came because the content was something I was really interested in, and because I wanted to meet the friends that I’ve made on twitter. Also Amy Acker. It was a warm, comfortable environment where everyone belonged and accepted each other. It was so easy to make new friends because of this, and because of the commonality we all shared. It was also really powerful to see so many people, and to hear that when we come together, we have a loud voice that has been and will be heard.” – @hmgflyer “I felt as if I was in such a safe space in such a long time! In my city nearly all the queer women’s spaces have ceased operation. Knowing that all these women are into the same stuff I’m into made it even better!” – @CroEna9 “My ClexaCon experience was absolutely amazing! Being the first convention I have ever attended, I don’t think anything could ever compare to the positive, supportive, and just all around amazing energy and vibes that surrounded ClexaCon, all the attendees and amazing line up of guests, was just so heart warming and amzing. The friendships, connections, and the honour of attendance at ClexaCon will forever live on in my heart.” – @LezbrosNFrnz “ClexaCon not only allowed me to connect with one of my passions, television, but also provided me the opportunity to discuss that passion in a space that made me feel safe and validated. For once I wasn’t that weird nerd girl who wanted to discuss representation on television, but part of a community that cares deeply about each other and seeing themselves on tv.” – Morgan Clapp “I hadn’t traveled since I’d been disabled (almost 10 years), but I had to get to ClexaCon! The Staff, including the Volunteers, took such great care of me. I never had to worry about getting into a panel or a photo op. Other Cons could learn from ClexaCon.” – Barbara Wolfe “As a girl that grew up on a tiny island in the Bahamas, face buried in a book or eyes glued to a tv screen for some form of escape from a world I never really felt I belonged to, ClexaCon weekend in Vegas meant more to me than I can ever express. Growing up surrounded by people I didn’t have much in common with was incredibly lonely. I had never realized just how isolated I felt until I was immersed in the world of ClexaCon with people who share my thoughts and feelings and interests. It felt like I was finally home.” – @ShanLaShawn “ClexaCon was, in a nutshell, like a really large family reunion, it was like coming home. Every second spent at the convention space was like being wrapped in this huge, lesbian filled bubble of positive, warm, passionate, energy, just this overwhelming, indescribable feeling of BELONGING somewhere. It didn’t matter how old you were, where you came from, or what you looked like, you were Kru! And that’s a feeling I will always carry with me. ClexaCon and the people I met while there irrevocably changed not only my life, but me as a person!”   -Meagan Baxter “I think that ClexaCon might be my favorite experience of my entire life so far. Not because of the media guests who were there (although Betty McRae meant/means a lot to me and meeting Ali Liebert was amazing), but because of the time I got to spend with fellow LGBTQ women in and out of the Con itself. I don’t know any queer women where I live, so my connection to the community is usually just online. This weekend at ClexaCon I was able to spend time with amazing women (some who I knew online, some who I didn’t) who I share so much in common with as both queer women and fans that I felt freer to laugh, cry, fangirl, and just be myself more than I think I ever have before. It was an amazing experience and I cannot wait to go again next year.” – @buknerd “The panels with content creators and actors were phenomenal. I don’t know how the organizers pulled in the guests that they did, but I was grateful for everyone’s professionalism, knowledge, and ability to keep the audience engaged. I learned from the “Bisexual Representation in the Media” panel. I enjoyed laughing in the reunion panels. I was grateful for the many intelligent audience questions. When I attended the Saving Face Reunion, I was pleasantly surprised to hear that Alice Wu’s educational background is similar to mine. Being a Chinese-American, I was also glad to see Alice Wu, Lynn Chen, and Michelle Krusiec on the stage because I realized that it was the first time I had seen people who, for back of better words, look like me and discuss a movie they made.” – Heather Lo “I’m 23 years old and do not have any LGBTQ female friends, they’re all straight. Spending three full days with hundreds of LGBTQ women was the most comfortable environment I have ever been in in my whole life. I never felt out of place, just completely content in my own skin. Stepping over the threshold from Bally’s casino area into the convention each day was like flipping the world upside down and experiencing it the way that it should be: loving, accepting, welcoming, respectful and empowering. I attended the con alone and despite being more of an introvert, I spent every day talking to people I had never met before who came from all around the world for one specific reason. To demand the representation we deserve (and to of course grieve Lexa). This was by far the most necessary and imperative moment for queer women, I learned so much at each and every panel I went to. Calling ClexaCon special is an extreme understatement, but I’m not quite sure there is a more fitting word.” – Susan LeGrice http://dlvr.it/NbNgYB