#the fallout from this will be so messy. im SO excited

[magicalspit]

me reading the discourse posts in the cr tag like do you think these are the exact arguments people are having in exandria about bells hells for the next decade or so

[carlos-in-glasses]

Happy Sunday! I wrote this for Poet Fic just now! Hot off the press! Excited to share!...But once again if everybody could agree not to tell my mother that I wrote this, that would be great:

TK leans up, props himself on the crook of his elbow and studies Carlos. His journey takes him from the top of his messy black curls, down his muscular chest and arms and his beautiful golden-brown skin, all the way to where the sheet begins. How shyly it half-cloaks the curve of his ass and hangs over his crotch. How it exposes an angle of hair but his c*ck his shadowed.

TK wants to reach into the dark gap the sheet creates and wrap his hand around him, but Carlos is too sleepy, so TK instead wraps a hand around himself, tugs a couple of times, just enough to make himself salivate.

He’s thinking of the most recent sex they had – which wasn’t last night, but the night before, when Carlos had been in the mood to bottom, really in the mood, and he came all over TK while riding him. TK can still feel the clench of Carlos’ muscles around his c*ck when he came. He tries to recreate it with his hand, but he can’t. There’s nothing like the real thing.

Open tag and tags below.

@safeaswrites @literateowl @kiwichaeng @fallout-mars

@eclectic-sassycoweyes @im-overstimulated-and-im-sad

@nancys-braids @carlos-tk @vineofroses

@captain-gillian @jesuisici33 @tellmegoodbye @orchidscript

@herefortarlos @sugdenlovesdingle @honeybee-taskforce

@theghostofashton @freneticfloetry @lemonlyman-dotcom

@chicgeekgirl89 @sanjuwrites @cold-blooded-jelly-doughnut

@alrightbuckaroo @liminalmemories21 @heartstringsduet

@never-blooms @welcometololaland @rmd-writes

@lightningboltreader @goodways @reyesstrand

@bonheur-cafe @strandnreyes @paperstorm

@thisbuildinghasfeelings - if you want to share/ haven't already! No pressure ever!

❤️🩷🧡💛💚💙🩵💜

[cassyapper]

OKAY IVE ACTUALLY PLAYED TWO SESSIONS SINCE MY LAST POST SO IM GONNA COMBINE THEM HERE SORRY FOR THE LENGTH BUT,,IVE COME SO FAR I DONT WANNA STOP NOW

this is gonna be very messy cause i WILL be jumping back and forth as things come back to mind so uhh pls enjoy this absolute ramble <3

anyway. i continued playing omori and boy do i have some Thoughts

so first session; i went through the pyre(something i forgot the full name sob) forest/sprout mole village/sweetheart’s castle in one go and let me TELL YOU. DOING THAT WAS FUCKING INSANE I WENT NUTS holy shit.

so anyway.

pyre forest!!!! the lil race against the big spider coming after u for disturbing the smaller spiders mechanic was very fun i had a lot of fun figuring out the best routes to take. i know normally mechanics like that lead to ppl getting frustrated cause u have to keep retrying but i had a lot of fun!!!! sum annoyance but good natured type, th kind that just makes u try harder u know? i just enjoyed it JKFN;FN; candles in the foggy forest....now That is an aesthetic

the rare bear scared the fuckin shit out of me i remember it didn’t attack me straight away so i was like “aw (:” but then when i press x on him it takes me to a BATTLE SCREEN AND SUDDEN THAT MF IS TERRIFYING I WAS LIKE WHWHWHWHWKJDNJ. very funny i honestly wished i recorded my reaction

also omori is afraid of drowning...................................i am breathing heavily. i think whatever happened to mari is related to at least one of the things omori is scared of. so either heights, spiders, or drowning it seems. spiders doesnt seem super likely as a contributor to her death, and while falling from a height is more realistic, such a senseless way of dying doesnt seem to rlly fit ? with the vibe i get from the kiddos in the real world. which makes me think maybe drowning/otherwise suffocating is how she died...but we’ll see. also due to the forgotten library part, we know omori explicitly feared spiders/drowning before mari died so it’s also probable im jus talking out my ass here but still,,,,thoughts

also this motherfucker?

literally fucking terrifying. IT’S BODY IS MADE OF SUCC’D SPROUT MOLES...i still have no idea what exactly it was doing to them but jesus h christ!!!! evil and fucked up. do not feel bad for curbstomping it

sprout mole village!!!! very cute, im v excited to send that one dude his brother’s care package. i like how, when theyre not lost, sprout moles can be real endearing lil guys,,,theyre not my fav lil enemies but (:

also for some reason omori is the first game ive played where i really care about getting achievements ? so i literally did the back and forth on my save file just to get all the season sprout mole achievements JKDJFJ;. i ended up sticking w spring tho before moving on for real cause spring is my fav season irl (:

also i felt SO BAD for cutting down that one sprout mole’s chistmas tree he was just trying to celebrate but i wanted to see that present and coincidentally becoming a christmas ruiner was an achievement so all’s fair in love and war i suppose

ALSO. th fuckin plant monster thing under the scientist sprout mole’s room. major little shop of horror vibes from the design, absolutely adored it!!!!! originally i did  just cut the wire holding the piano over it, ending it in one go, but i was very curious abt it so i reloaded a save file to actually fight it and

i know it only spread that gas to make the kiddos happy cause being happy reduces attack i think ? it decreases attack/defense but seeing the kiddos smile so much was nice (:

however

omori...sunny....son boy.........u good ?

and now. sweetheart

the way the sprout moles completely adore and depend on sweetheart gives me such awful evil vibes and combined with such a luxurious background was fucking incredible

sweetheart herself, speaking of. bitch (sorta affectionately, certainly not derogatory)

i talked to every sprout mole in the audience before taking my seat and i literally dont know why. even when i picked up the pattern of where the unique dialogue could be found (usually the sprout moles farthest right) i still talked to all of them......just in case ? i have no idea. i dont know why i did that. i feel it’s important that i note it tho

LMAO SO WHEN SPROUT MOLE MIKE DID THE MINUTE OF SILENCE FOR YE OLD SPROUT MOLE

I LITERALLY FELT SO FUCKING BAD LMAO I WAS LIKE OH MY GOD NO!!!!!! I DID THAT!!! I KILLED HIM!!! OH MY GOD!!! I WONDER HOW AWKWARD OMORI KEL HERO AND AUBREY FELT IN THE AUDIENCE HOLY SHIT THEY HAD FRONT ROW SEATS TO SPROUT MOLE MIKE’S MOURNING!!! MY GOD FJKFN;;

also sprout mole mike describing 3′7″ inches as ”towering” was the FUNNIEST shit i have ever seen. also i have to wonder, since sweetheart made up the whole show of sweetheart’s quest for hearts in the first place, if she was seriously down to marry a sprout mole if one suited her fancy. jus v funny to me honestly. SPEAKING of sweetheart’s dating patterns I NOTICED THOSE FEM SKELETONS IN THE DUNGEON!!!!! BI SWEETHEART!!!! SHE’S JUST AS DOWN FOR GIRLS AS SHE IS BOYS

i know TECHNICALLY not everyone is in the dungeon for failing to be a good enough suitor but STILL...COME ON. THIS WAS BEFORE WE KNEW THAT. SWEETHEART BI I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL

anyway

when the lights when out and lightning struck the third contestant, i knew Immediately something was gonna go down. and when the mustache sprout mole was like “oh yes!! u!! in the striped pjs!! u absolute beast ur perfect!!!” i KNEW hero had just been selected as the replacement i was goign completely fucking nuts i was like OH MY GODNFNG; HIS HEART IS ALREADY TAKEN BY MARI!!!!!!! STOP

i ended up taking so many screenshots during this part cause i was going feral so here take a glance just cause i love, uh, hero

OUR HERO IN SHINING ARMOR DJLBH;KFJB

also GOD FUCKING DAMMIT IM SHORTER THAN HERO

hero shaking on the stage when he was introduced...oh my HEART....IM SO FOND FOR THIS BOY WTF!!!!! DKJDN;N

this is not really NEWS to me since it’s implied hero is tall but like come ON..... sorry just every time i find out a character is explicitly taller than me i need to huff about it, moving on,

HERO FUCKS

sorry i just have so many screenshorts during this aprt cause i was going fucking crazy but

literally terrifying! sweetheart bathes in that shit!! christ!

is blood good for ur skin? i imagine, so long as like...gore isnt in it and it’s solely blood it cant be BAD necessarily......but good ? regardless very fucked up. besides the fact that well, uh, BLOOD, blood is also sticky as hell. ur telling me sweetheart willinglhy bathed in that shit? disgusting. at least thin it out

anyway I HAD SO MUCH FUN DOING THE PUZZLES AT SWEETHEART’S CASTLE....FROM THE DUNGEONS TO THE KITCHENS TO THE BALLROOM TO THE LIBRARY TO THE GARDENS JUST EVERYTHING!!!! IT WAS SO FUN I ENJOYED FIGURING IT OUT SO MUCH IT WAS LITERALLY DELIGHTFUL...I LOVE THIS GAME SO MUCH THE GAMEPLAY IS SO FUCKING EPIC I LITERALLY HAVE SO MUJCH FUN.......OH MY GOD I JUST. INCREIDBLE!!!! FUCK

also the lil sir maximus bit.........i honestly felt really awful over having to kill them ): i think i even tried running once but it wouldnt let me...it hurt man ): they were just a family....

um but anyway,

i think it was rlly sweet how aubrey protested to the wedding cause she was worried abt sweetheart,,,like i cant rlly explain it idk how to put it into words,,like sweetheart is clearly not mentally well and having an episode, and aubrey being the only one to say “hey what ur doing is self-destructive and isolating” just mmmh. she cares a lot,,,and *i* care aubrey

also sweetheart’s battle theme fucking SLAPPED...SO GODDAMN HARD IM STILL QUAKING OVER IT....FUCKING BANGER YO!!!!!! INCREDIBLE

ah but alas

BASIL........I NOTICED THAT IT WAS HIS GHOST/SHADOW DURING THE EXIT FROM OTHERWORLD AS WELL BUT JUST FUCK

im so worried about basil ):

and it being so obvious that none of the others can see...........them asking omori if he’s okay.....oh my god. i go nuts

and then...the forgotten library part

i literally cried, again, oh my fucking god

these kids loved each other so much they ADORED the time they spent with each other and im QUAKING to know WHAT HAPPENED TO MARI......HOW DID THE FALLOUT GO. I NEED TO KNOW I NEED TO KNOW I NEED TO KNOW

i know there are multiple endings to this game and on god i am not QUITTING until i get the happiest ending there is for these kids im literally a goddamn fuckign mess oh my god

MARI SHWOING UP IN THE LIBRARY AT ONE POINT AND LEADING OMORI...........IM LTIERALLY GOIGN INSANE OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD HE LOVED HIS SISTER SO MUCH HE’S SO CLEARLY LOST WITHOUT HER I CANT FUCKING DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. I NEED TO KNOW I NEED TO KNOW I NEED TO KNOW

GOD

okay sorry i just. ive said ti before but the grief in this game is so real and palpable and it aches, it aches so bad. also the white egret orchids in the library...i see u

but regardless.... session two real world electric boogaloo

LOVE that kel is like “so i need to run errands but u wanna come with me right? of course u do!” like fuck i rlly do. kel is just so delightful i would literally do anything to spend time with him

ALSO i noticed u can just refuse to open the door both times kel’s knocked now and it makes me wonder....if u could choose to ignore kel ? and then venture out urself or just ? i wonder what would even happen if u chose to not open the door. im CERTAINLY not doing it myself at the very least not this playthrough but i am curious...i bet that’s how u get a bad ending, by not talking w kel

but anyway....

aubrey and her gang not saying anything in the pizza parlor........i jus think abt that is all

ALSO!! pet rocks!!!!!!!!! LOVE this lil thing it’s so cute. jus rock paper scissors it babey

speaking of lil bits, love all the mini quests in the real world...it’s just rlly fun and builds up this cute lil town........it also makes me think that whatever happened to mari cant have been anything except an accident, bc no one comments on what a tragedy it was to omori. like if it was murder, there’s no way such a horrific situation wouldnt engulf the town for a bit and sweep over it for weeks at least, but that just doesnt seem to have happened. this is def me reading too into it tho;; point is neighbors nice (: also i got the seashell necklace and i go apeshit

ALSO......THE FUCKING...........CHURCH. I VISITED WITH KEL ON A COMPLETE WHIM CAUSE I WAS CURIOUS IF THE PASTOR WOULD TALK MORE ABT AUBREY BUT NO. INSTEAD HE TALKS ABT THE WEIRD VIBE FORM THE GRAVEYARD HE’S GETTING!!! AND THE DUDE WHO CHILLS IN THE GRAVEYARD SAYS SHIT ABT THE SPIRITS GETTING READY FOR SOMEONE TO JOIN THEM!!!! BITCH WAHT THE FUCK

THERE’S NOF UCKING WAY THIS ISNT ABOUT BASIL. THERE IS NO!!! WAY!!!! I SWEAR ON GOD IF BASIL DIES I WILL LOSE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ESP CAUSE THERE IS LITERALLY NO OTHER WAY HE COULD DIE EXCEPT SUICIDE THAT’S WHAT IT HAS BEEN IMPLYING OVER AND OVER I GO NUTS I GO APESHIT NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK

OKAY SORRY I JUST. HHHHHHHHHHH

baby has acquired baby

kel’s family is rlly cute,,,,v heartwarming. i trust them

i do worry abt like...the stark difference between recognizing kel’s accomplishments and hero’s...i just idk. i just keep thinking abt that bit in kel’s story abt hero’s depression when his parents focused on hero and ignored him, and i just. kel’s family is good People but i worry if kel has a good support system...i jus........): i am watching

ahh THE BASIL MISSING PART MADE MY HEART LITERALLY FUCKING DROP..I WAS SO FUCKING PANICKED I WAS LIKE OH MY GOD THIS IS IT BASIL IS DEAD

THANKFULLY HE WASNT BUT HOLY GOD HOW THAT WHOLE SITUATION PANNED OUT MADE ME GO NUTS!!!!!!! BASIL...AUBREY...HER GANG.......FUCK OH M YOGD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

THANK G O D I SNOOPED AROUND KEL’S HOUSE BEFORE LEAVING I WOULD HAVE H A T E D TO FIGHT THEM ALL AT ONCE IM GLAD I WAS ABLE TO JUST PEPPER SPRAY THEM JESUS CHRIST

oh my god kim like asking for aubrey all concerned before deciding to trust her and leaving.....kim i diagnose u with lesbain

the whole fucking. basil almost drowning scene. i seriously feel like ive changed like as a person over it. i am thinking . i am thinking. i am only evee thinking about mari and how omori just loved her so much and how the thought of her gave him strength. th pic of her ghost holding omori’s hand in the water made me cry

MMMM BUT. HERO!!!

I DIE I DIE I DIE HE’S SO PRETTY FUCK ALSO HIM PICKING UP BASIL WOOOOOOOO THIS IS WHAT IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THAT’S WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT YEAHHHHHHHH

god i feel so bad about leaving aubrey tho. shes so clearly not okay and she so clearly did not mean to push basil in and oh my GOD I JUST...PLEASE....PLEASE CAN WE JUST TLAK TO HER I NEED TO TLAK TO HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I NEED TO FUCK

the ghosts of omori and aubrey on the swings made me cry out like i had been physically assaulted

AHH BUT THEN TAKING BASIL HOME AND WHILE HE’S IN HIS BED HE JUST SAYS “oh sunny...there’s not way out of this...is there?” I LITERALLY GO BUCKWILD APESHIT INSANE STUPDI!!!!!! BASIL YOURE PUTTING UP A LOT OF ALARMING FLAGS HERE!!! PLEASE DO NOT FUCKING DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK. CHRIST. HELL. SHIT. THIS GAME IS DRIVING ME FUCKING CRAZY

GOD

oh my god but the day ending with hero and kel sleeping over at omori’s house...im kdnd im jkdim im not uhm okay THEY BUILT A BLANKET FORT PLEASE..I LOVE THEM

goddd hero going into the piano room....playing sum........and then asking omori abt the song he and mari used to play on violin...and then THE TITLE SCREEN MUSIC STARTS PLAYING....HI. HI HELLO HI YOU CANT FUCKIGN DO THAT HI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YOUFBJFGJNGN;EJNE; IM GOIGN NUTS

also the name omori comes from the piano.............interesting...i wonder why sunny likes being called omori in the dreamscape...

god but omori not having a srs hallucination cause he’s w his friends and he feels safe...im gonna sob

However. i did glance into the bathroom mirror. AND INSTEAD OF THE EYE MF IT’S A DISTORTED AS HELL GHOST MARI???IM SO FUCKIGN SCARED. IM SO SCARED. WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT THE FUCK? CREEPY AS HELL!!!

ohh my god this GAME

so finally i ended up in whitespace again. do NOT like that omori is completely alone in the world!!! what the FUCK!!!!!!!! I AM SO SCARED AT ALL TIMES. im literally about to go play sum more tho after dinner so i will see what happens. god i jsut......this game is so fucking good it has me by the balls dude. SO glad i decided to play it bruh

anyway thanks for reading all of this if u did, it’s an absolute monster ik and ur a real one

[mrs-nate-humphrey]

I’ve never personally been a fan of Derena after s1, but reading your posts made me sympathize a bit. I totally agree that them just being friends would be so nice. I hated the whole Serena pining after Dan in s5, it honestly felt like she only wanted him cause he didn’t want her. What do you make of Serena during the dair arc?

hi!! finally i have been re-united with my laptop and i can get to this ask! ngl, i was so excited to see it in my inbox, because i have a Lot of Thoughts about serena during the dair arc (some of which people have said before me, as some old LJ comments can probably testify, haha.) 

this got very long and very serena centric *raises a mug of tea* cheers!

serena pining after dan and chasing after him like that was... i hated it too, and it made me.. uncomfortable is the best word i have for it, but also really deeply sad? i joke about serena’s ‘evil arc’ but as someone who genuinely loves her character and wanted good things for her, it was so painful to see her hurting so much and, instead of coping with that hurt in a mature way, causing harm to the people around her (two of whom she canonically loved very much; two of her favourite people in the world.)

the way i felt about serena during the dair arc was very much like... her reacting badly and not being sympathetic actually did make sense. i wasn’t a fan of how the show handled it and portrayed it, but given everything that happened with her in s3 and s4, i do think some kind of fallout was warranted and expected. everything that happened with lily, william and the fake cancer plotline was really messed up, and serena had spent majority of her life waiting for her dad to come back, and - i think we can blame lily for not being a particularly good (or present) parent, but i think serena had this very strong feeling that her dad coming back would somehow fix their family, or something like that. instead, his coming back caused a very new level of van der woodsen fuckery, and i think that would’ve been extremely traumatic for serena.

it’s also worth noticing that she doesn’t spend time after breaking up with nate in s3 to work on herself. she recognises that she needs to, recognises that she needs some time to recover and really find herself again. but s4 rolls around and she’s still feeling lost. going to paris with blair is fun for serena, but it’s also an escape - she’s actively not dealing with the stuff that’s happened, which i think is part of why her behaviour in early s4 is so chaotic and messy - leaving dan & nate hanging like that is.... mean. she should’ve been honest with them, she should’ve made a choice, even if that choice was ‘neither of you, i need more time, sorry’ or ‘hey, i’m not really sure yet, you shouldn’t have to wait for me to choose’.  

i’ve said stuff very vaguely, mostly in tags, about serena & dan being very emotionally unintelligent, and i think this is serena’s emotional unintelligence - she wants things to be okay and alright again, but she doesn��t want to face her trauma and her insecurities to get through it (which... trauma is fucked up so i do understand that.) i think that’s what makes her such a sympathetic character to me. like, serena, you can run away from everything, but you can’t run away from  yourself + your issues. you have to face them!! but she doesn’t really know how. nobody’s taught her this.

we’ve already gone into serena’s abandonment issues quite a bit, but i think serena during the dair arc was mostly those issues flaring up + the build-up of a lot of trauma re: the thing with her dad (that she was pretending not to see), serena feeling abandoned & lost because the only two people who she’s really ever thought of as ‘hers’, blair and dan, suddenly care about each other in a way that excludes her. we talk about the “dan and i have a real connection” thing in a dair way all the time, but the first time i saw that i was like “HELL YES” for dan and blair but like “ohhhhh noooo” for serena because the whole ‘we do things together that we could never do with you’ - which, i don’t think blair even meant in a hurtful way, but was probably the worst thing blair could’ve said to serena at the time?? 

it’s also worth noting that serena and dan keep going to each other when they’re at their lowest. serena reaches out to dan over the william thing, even though william majorly fucked over rufus, even though serena was dating nate at the time, it was dan she turned to then. when georgina takes milo away, dan immediately goes to serena, and she’s like, how are you, and he denies feeling bad about it, and serena (who probably knows dan well enough to know that it’s bullshit) humours him and goes “okay, let’s not talk about it” which nobody else was really doing at the time, which is why he went to serena. serena and dan’s high school relationship was very sweet and uncomplicated and i find it interesting (& a little sad, tbh) that when things go bad in either of their lives, both of them sort of immediately reach out for the other, almost like they’re trying to recreate the way their relationship was at the very beginning. gossipgirls has some great meta on this.

there’s probably also some jealousy over like.. dan and blair having found some stability and happiness with each other (without her! she’s no longer the person dan or blair loves the most and that hurts!) - and that they’ve found this stability while she still feels so lost and she’s drifting so much. serena’s gradual evolution into someone who really cared about being a socialite (??) and her reputation (to the extent that she was screwing lola over for her own benefit) felt very... drowning man clutching at straws-ish. like she’s lost everything else, might as well hold on to the one thing that she has.

this made me sad because i feel like... she still had dan. he didn’t want to be her boyfriend, he didn’t have romantic feelings for her, and he didn’t want to have sex with her. but he was still very much her friend. he confided in her!! he spoke to her about blair more openly than he did with anyone else (nate was right there, it’s not like the only person dan had in his corner was serena - serena was just the easiest person for him to talk to) and i really, really feel like if serena had just been like “dan, i want to be happy for you but i feel so lost, i feel like you and blair don’t need me anymore and i feel so lonely” or whatever... he would’ve understood!! he would’ve helped her through it! you know that bit with blair and serena in the elevator in 3x09? i can’t find the gifs right now Unfortunately but you know the scene im talking about - they both open up and talk and serena is finally honest with blair? i wish she’d gotten something like that with dan in s5 because like... this theme of dan trusting her with his heart (in a platonic way, but STILL, he was being soo honest and vulnerable and open with her) and her just being all supportive on the outside and sabotagey on the inside... like.. i didn’t like that for her, and i honestly think the level of evil they dialed it up to was cartoon villainny and very ooc for serena. 

i DO see her having resistance and insecurity to the dair arc, but the sort of dishonesty and antics she was pulling felt so wrong and so un-serena, even in the light of all the trauma and the context to her acting out. the shephard divorce thing especially... serena spends so much of the earlier seasons feeling guilty and hating herself over the shephard wedding and the thing with nate. i don’t think she would do that again in any capacity - forgetting blair for a moment, i don’t think she would do that to herself. she hated the person she’d become back then & i do think serena is more strong-willed than most of us give her credit for (filming dan without his consent like that is a georgina move, it’s not a serena move.) 

as for leaking blair’s diary... i feel like serena and blair have such a complicated and not always healthy friendship (that bit in s2 i think it is where serena says something about ‘im sick of always holding myself back so i don’t outshine you’ and blair is like ‘hey wtf??’ hits very hard because it’s so... understandable from BOTH of their perspectives, like i feel like i can understand how serena’s just been quietly holding onto all this resentment until she can’t be quiet about it anymore and it explodes, and blair’s insecurities make this moment one of her worst fears being actualised. but it’s an impactful moment because it touches upon the complexity of blairena.) serena leaking blair’s diary makes sense - i hate it, but i don’t think it was that ooc, and if that had been her only act of betrayal that would’ve felt a lot more realistic to me, tbh, given the way blair & serena’s relationship is and how often they hurt each other (sometimes even deliberately!!) like i would’ve just been like ‘serena! no!!’ as opposed to ‘that’s not my serena; what is this arc!!!” which is what s5 always makes me feel. 

[lookbluesoup]

Fallout OC Interview

@robobrainmurdermysterytheatre and @quinndecker214 tagged me to do this LITERAL AGES ago! Thanks for this and IM SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG it got lost in my drafts I hope it was worth the wait //shot I TAG @nuclearvessel @ronqueesha @tarberrymentats @wild-w4steland-snip3r @daddyfuckinlonglegs @saltsealed @thewookieruns No pressure!!

Choose an OC.

Answer them as that OC.

Tag 5 people to do the same.

1. What is your name? Nathaniel Christian Wright. Maiden name Ronan, if, aha, you like fun-facts.

2. How old are you? You know I lost count somewhere after 240?

3. What do you look like?

4. Where are you from? Where do you live now? I was born a good ways South of here, spent most of my childhood there. Moved to Boston... before the War. Now I stay with Piper in Diamond City between work, got an infield view and everything! Never would have bet on that the day I woke up in the Vault. I guess life’s funny, hunh? I - ...I’m glad to be there.

5. What was your childhood like? Oh, nothing special, really. My Pa was ex-military, a chaplain. Ma stayed home to tend the house, and raise rambunctious sons. She was - good. I wonder sometimes whether she’d be proud of me, out here.

6. What groups are you friendly with? Are you allied with any factions? Well, I am K i n g of the Castle - a-hem, I mean, General. Yeah, just General. (//Ronnie distantly yells something about the joke not being funny the 80th time)

[[There are rumors of Nate being a leading Railroad Agent, but he absolutely would not admit to that in a casual interview xD]]

7. Tell me about your best friend. Deacon? Hah! What can’t I tell you about him! He’s got a two-dozen kids. Twelve wives. One’s a ghoul. He’s also a synth, but you didn’t hear that from me. Has an extra toe on his left foot. Those sunglasses aren’t a fashion statement, they’re glued to his face. Horrible accident, really. Inoperable. He can speak five languages, including Zetan. I swear, it’s all true! But, ah. He’s a good friend. Better than he knows.

8. Do you have a family? Tell me about them! My son, Shaun, lives here at the Castle. I wish I could bring him to Diamond City, let him make friends with the other kids, try to give him something of the life he might’ve had before the War. But I’ve got enemies. The Minutemen have enemies. Comes with the job. It’s safer for Shaun to be here, out of the limelight. And also, you know, with a barracks full of guns ready at a minute’s notice if there’s trouble. My men are family, too. Hell, I feel closer to the people here than I did most of my own blood in the old world. There’s also my butler, Codsworth. And Natalie, Piper’s little sister - well, she may as well be my little sister, too. But hey, keep that one off the record. Nat’d never forgive me.

9. What about a partner or partners? I’m a happily tethered man, bound for life to one kickass reporter, Mrs. Wright. You may have heard of her. 

10. Have you ever heard of The Brotherhood of Steel? What do you think about them? [Nate seems more guarded] Yeah, I know them. That graveyard across the channel used to be their airship. I wish it had ended differently, but... well, war never changes.

11. Who are your enemies, and why? I suppose that’s a natural follow-up question. Well, most of the Raider gangs will attack on sight. Gunners, too. But we’ve managed to clear a pretty safe stretch between major towns over the past year. Since the Minutemen have established a pro-synth stance, more than a few settlements shut their doors on us. Lost a fair number of volunteers. But no violence so far. Other than that... the remnants of Brotherhood here aren’t fond of me, personally. Why? We parted on bad terms. Lets just - leave it at that. Anyone else out here can tell you the story. There are Institute survivors, too. We tried to get as many noncombatants out as we could the day it fell, but it was a battle. It was messy. A lot haven’t forgiven me for turning on them. [sighs] ...Can you blame them? The Minutemen have kept a running list of Courser sightings since then. So many still aren’t accounted for. Keeps me up at night, sometimes.  

12. What about The Enclave? I’ve heard rumors. None of them good. 13. How do you feel about Super Mutants? Tough bastards. I wish we could help them. I know they don’t all go crazy, and Virgil was making progress on a cure. But I haven’t seen him in years. We’re not - really on speaking terms.

14. Have you ever fought a Deathclaw? More than once, and never unscathed. Not bragging! It’s the truth. Take a look at this, [he rolls back his sleeve to show a massive scar running over his upper arm] Piper and I got pinned down, lizard gutted me and nearly lost me an arm. Also? Ruined my best flannel shirt.

15. What’s the craziest fight you’ve ever been in? Bunker Hill. What a hellscape. Between the Railroad and the Institute, things were hot enough. But somehow the Brotherhood found out, too. It’s a wonder Bunker Hill wasn’t razed to the ground. My Courser escort was killed in a Railroad ambush and the synths we were after escaped. I barely got out alive.

[[Nate actually killed X4-18 and helped the synths escape, but that’s another Railroad secret :’D]] 16. Do you like fighting? No. But I’ll do what I have to to stay alive and protect the people I care about. 17. What’s your weapon of choice? A modified radium rifle. I was a sniper back in my army days, it’s what I’m trained in. But if the fight does get close, this gun’s versatile enough to still be useful. Wish my loadout back in Anchorage did that. I’m fond of the laser musket, too - but you only get one shot, and then everyone will know exactly where you are. Strategically it’s too limited.

18. How do you survive? Your wits, your charm, your skills, brute force, some combination? (a.k.a. what’s your S.P.E.C.I.A.L?) My winning charm, of course! [winks] And trekking all over the Commonwealth keeps me fit for when folks aren’t so interested in talking. Piper keeps the luck for both of us. I’m - pretty sure I’m cursed, actually.

S(6) P(7) E(8) C(11) I(7) A(5) L(2)

19. Have you ever been in a vault? What do you think about them? I suppose I should be grateful, really. If not for the Vaults, I’d have died two centuries ago. I’d never have met Piper, or taught Shaun to play baseball. None of this... none of this at all would have happened. [grimaces] Don’t get me wrong. Vault-tec was fucking insane. The things they did to people in some of those Vaults-? I was uncharacteristically lucky. There’s a reason they call me the Sole Survivor, and it’s not from winning some tv game show about living on an island.

20. How do you beat all the radiation around here? Has it affected you? My Pip-Boy has a Geiger counter built in so I can avoid the worst of it. But sometimes it can’t be helped. I always keep Rad-Away and Rad-X on hand. Other than that, I bring the old vault suit to wear under my clothes if I know exposure’s inevitable. It helps a little. Piper likes to tease me about that, but somehow I think she prefers me with hair and less than six limbs. Plus, my ass looks great in blue. Her words. Not mine. Yes, you can quote that.

21. What’s your favorite wasteland critter? The radstags, no doubt! [motions to Legs Washington] Look at those little extra arms wiggling around. Adorable.

22. What’s your least favorite wasteland critter? Yao guais. They are way too stealthy for something that big. I dunno what they’re eating up in Maine, but Far Harbor was full of them. Big, grumpy ones. And look, have you ever tried to outrun a bear? Don’t.

23. How do you feel about robots? I like the ones that aren’t shooting at me! Codsworth and Ada are friends. Isabel’s eyebot, Sparks? Adorable. I even got this hat from an old Sentry named Ironsides. Those Rust Devils and their junk bots though? I try not to fight them without a lot of backup. Got ambushed by a Succubus once. Not a good time. At all.

24. How many caps do you have on you right now? Why, you planning to rob me? Kidding. About 200, which is a lot for me generally speaking.

25. Nuka Cola or Sunset Sarsaparilla? [Suddenly excited] Wait, does Sunset Sarsaparilla still exist?

26. Do you do chems? Aside from Med-X when I’ve been shot? Not if I can help it.

27. Do you ever think about the Pre-War world? Not as often as in the beginning, but it does happen sometimes. I’ll have dreams where I’m back in my old life, and it’s always... disorienting.

28. What’s your deepest regret? What would you do differently? There are - a lot. I’ll admit it. Sometimes I wonder, if I’d only just - hm... Well. To be honest, I’ve been trying not to linger so much on what I’ve done wrong, and focus on what I can do right for the future instead. Piper taught me that.

29. What’s your biggest achievement? Or what do you hope to achieve?  I’ll always be proud to call myself Mr. Wright. If I can be half the man Piper tells me I am, I’ll consider it a life well lived.

30. What do you want for the future? For yourself? Your friends? The world? Geeze, you could give my wife a run for her money with a loaded question like that! I want... a future where folks don’t have to be afraid of monsters coming after them in the night. I want synths to have a fair chance at living their own lives, as who they are, without pretending. I want Shaun to - be able to grow up. For myself? Everything I need is right here already.

[imperialsea-a]

ELIZABETH’S IN-DEPTH RP PLOTTING CHEAT-SHEET.

          Want new-and-exciting plots for your character? Long to reach out to more of your followers, but don’t know where to start? Fear not! Fill out this form and give your RP partners both present and future all the of juicy jumping off points they need to help you get your characters acquainted.

          Be sure to tag the players whose characters YOU want more cues to interact with, and repost, don’t reblog! Feel free to add or remove sections as you see fit. Template here.

Mun name: Rem (not that blue-haired anime girl or DN, it’s from my old blog!) OOC Contact: Contact me through the Tumblr IM system or my Discord! My Discord is: imperialsea#1818. Please tell me your URL if you message me there so I know who you are!

Now, onto the heart of the post!

   ♛   Who the heck is my muse, anyway? Elizabeth Eva Alexandria Cross, the only biological daughter of Kaien Cross, her father (a canon vk char), and Eva Liliya Cherie Cross, her mother (an oc muse)! Elizabeth is a vampire hunter by blood like all in her family before her! But, shh! Your character isn't supposed to know that .  .  .  unless they're also a hunter .  .  .  or a perhaps a vampire (since her family from both sides are famous hunters, but even then they don't have to know she's a vamp killer if you don't want them to) .  .  .  or they're some sort of ally to her / the hunters association since she can't just tell anyone her actual work on a whim. Where she's from, the existence of vampires are a secret from most of humanity and it's her job to kill the dangerous people-hurty ones and keep that nice and secret so as to avoid a world war! 'Nothing about her is complicated at all', I say, lying through my teeth like Bethy does to society every day by keeping her job and true lifestyle hidden :'D

Further information below the cut, please take time to read if you’re stuck on what to plot and how Bethy operates!

   ♛   Points of Interest:           - She was born and raised to fight against unruly beasts and composed foes alike. Despite her youth, she's a one-woman powerhouse and is not afraid to take herself down with an opponent if she deems it necessary. She's like the Smash player who hits the fake smash ball to take out an enemy on their last legs, even at the expense of her own life. She'll do it! Except in Smash she'd probably just win the match because she had an extra life and not, you know, not die forever for real in a last grand battle.

          - She's got vamp genes all over the place and is rare among hunters. She's biologically immortal like a Pureblood despite not being a vampire herself and is living testimony of what her predecessors took from Purebloods both by honorable bestowal of blood from the mysterious Hooded Woman, and straight up [insert painting of Jupiter Devouring His Son here]. Her great grandparent is 3k+ years old, her father is 200+ for devouring his own twin-- it's messy as mythology, but anime :'D  She herself is only 18 on default though (19 in K Crossover--), the youngest of her entire bloodline, and she can still be slain in battle even if she is much hardier than a typical human being. She's also sensitive to auras, and capable of sensing vampires.

          - Things characters might notice? She's ghostly pale and kind of looks like she stepped out of The Last Unicorn. She looks cold, sophisticated, and vaguely otherworldly-- she really doesn't radiate the friendliest of vibes unless she's doing something she loves, and the calculated yet seemingly effortless grace of her movements are prominent in and outside of combat. She is descended from an ancient royal line, and those posh, stuffy mannerisms and formal speech pattern live on through her even if the Adrasteian monarchy no longer exists.

          - She truly isn't a trigger-happy person, whatever the title of 'hunter' implies, and keeps a level head in most situations. Sure, Bethy looks as if she could bite someone's head off and can display some seriously threatening flashes of anger, but she's not going to do something rash and will only resort to drawing her weapons in a serious matter. She's here to save lives, maintain peace, and keep order, not disrupt it and set off a war! No pressure on her, right?

         - She is also notably, NOT a high school student, though she may be mistaken for a high school senior or young college student since her age fits the bill. Elizabeth actually graduated from her high school at age sixteen and took to hunting full-time immediately after. She was convinced to slow it down by her grandparents and began preparing for college when her assignment at Cross Academy arrived and, uh, pretty tragically, hasn’t been able to attend any classes due to her work demands. Come to choose between the world and personal fulfillment? Her conscience only let her have one choice; a hunter must hunt.

    ♛   What they’ve been up to recently:           - Work. There's hardly a time when this girl isn't working or planning what to do next, and the workload only grows after the previous president is outed as a dishonorable, self-serving traitor to the hunters. She's seriously injured after trading blows with him and is promptly benched to deal with the fallout and mental agony, but she's back within a year (and in K's crossover? Only six months later!).

          - Having said that, Elizabeth does have days off and will spend them quietly with her friends, or alone with music and a rejuvenating swim.

          - Depending on the time in her life? Her life circumstances vary drastically-- she can go from a young huntress travelling on her own as duty demands, or she can be a mother of five children and trusted right hand of the new hunter president, Zero Kiryuu. She lives for a long time, so she's always up to something! And of course, she's always motivated to fight for a better future. 

   ♛   Where to find them:            - Aside from work, check the beach! Or find her on methods of cross-continental transportation since she travels around the world for her job (she walks whenever possible, so it's rare to see her on a bus, but she’ll begrudgingly take one or a train)! Otherwise, a place like an aquarium, clothing store, or coffee shop, or any place in a city is your best chance.... write w me pls... q-q she is Around Somewhere.

          - If not found in any of those places and your character is someone inside Cross Academy, she can be found there, helping the prefects in some way and is familiar enough with the building to help out new students if they ask.

    ♛   Current Plans:           - Elizabeth is chained to her work as a hunter for as long as she draws breath, or until there is no need for her to end hostile vampires. Her ultimate goal is to keep the world from falling into a repeat, all-out war between vampires and humanity. Her living and family situation might change through the years, but that will always be her primary drive-- she's got an indomitable will.

    ♛   Desired Interactions:           - please ovq

          - In all seriousness, I’m up for pretty much anything. She needs more friends, more enemies, people to protect, people to be protected by, people she looks up to, people who legitimately unnerve her, everything! I just don’t feel comfortable killing her. Elizabeth fought really hard to get her future and deserves to find comfort after her entire childhood-young adult life was spent thinking the only thing of worth she had was her role as a huntress. I do really, really love angst though, so anything else goes, really c:

     ♛   Offered Interactions ( please sit tight for this! it will be divided into multiple sections! ) :           - IF YOUR CHARACTER IS HUMAN:                - She’ll assume your muse is an average civilian until shown otherwise (be it with unusual powers, whacky aura, combat prowess, or prior knowledge from a report or something-- a plot specific thing). Unless they truly know about vampires / work with the Hunters Association, Elizabeth will not be sharing any information about who or what she is without a legitimate reason (such as the human character being bitten by a Pureblood and thus is being turned into a vampire themselves). However, the other party being kept in the dark about vampires can open the door to a more relaxed Elizabeth without her professional, perfectionist mindset. She’s more likely to have a pleasant conversation with humans since they have no part in the hunt-- but in that same vein, she does aim to keep them at a certain distance and not develop a deep emotional bond (but she’s also a lot softer than she looks and acts and tends to care for others quickly, should they get along). It’s a tricky slope .  .  . She’s thawed out and the nicer aspects of her personality are far more prominent, but at the same time, she’s not being entirely genuine. Give her time and she’ll become more open about personal things, just, not her work.

               - Applies to her K Proj. Crossover.  Working with S4, Elizabeth takes some time to adjust, but ultimately loves the organization and the people within it. They’re an exception to her ‘no ties with average humans’ rule because....errr.... they’re not the average human she’s used to protecting and in that verse they’re aware of her occupation and peculiar heritage. She’s not as cold first impressions might suggest and loves Reisi’s weird af team building nights, it’s hard for her to not have a soft spot for them, even as an outsider and unofficial member (as in, she has none of the abilities the Blues have, but she has her natural abilities).

         - IF YOUR CHARACTER IS A HUNTER:                 - Elizabeth is a known figure in hunter society; her great grandfather, grandfather, and aunt were previous heads of the organization and each are still alive at present. So, it probably makes more sense if your hunter character at the very least knows about her-- unless they’re an off-series muse in which case go wild and do what you think is best! I always did like the idea of two vampire hunters chilling together with neither one knowing the other is a fellow hunter until they’re attacked by a vamp and they’re both like ‘Oh!’

               - A simple but always reliable plot idea is two hunters on a joint mission! It’s really important to know that Bethy does not take kindly to poor performance and expects her partner to take whatever assignment they have seriously. If not? Things get tundra-cold really fast-- o-o;; People’s lives are at stake and in her opinion, if a hunter wants to mope or complain about their blood-given obligation, they’re not fit to be hunters in the first place. ‘Can’t do the job? Then finish what you started with me if you have any shred of integrity, and get thee gone’ sort of thing. Otherwise, uh :’D;; she’s highly cooperative and always aims to reach the outcome with the least amount of damage.

               - As a teenager, she attended a hunter-run private academy in Adrasteia for four years. If it’s possible for your muse to attend (as in, they are from a vampire hunter family and can pass the rigorous entrance exams), throw em in for a slightly younger, less stringent Bethy? A national fencing champion at the top of her classes, and great granddaughter to the legendary hellfire headmaster, Elizabeth’s not easily missed! It could be the start to an amicable relationship to carry into future interactions?

        - IF YOUR CHARACTER IS A VAMPIRE:                 - Bluntly put, for vampires, it’s probably better to interact with Elizabeth after Cross Academy has fallen in the large battle that took place there. Her mother is revealed to have been alive and held captive as a vampire, she’s already friends with a hunter/vamp, her two friends turned out to be Purebloods, and ‘oh....my mother and father got together again and now I’ve got a younger vampire brother’ .....and her boyfriend’s half sister is also a vampire who marries the former vamp senate heir..... so...vamps everywhere; she simply accepts them as part of the family. Prior to that, while she isn’t hostile to vampires and certainly has no intention to attack a vamp unjustly, it’s not a place she’s eager to put herself in. Depending on how threatened she feels, she’ll even swallow her pride and keep her head down-- mostly.

               - If your muse is a hunter-turned-vampire, she doesn’t treat them as a vampire, rather, she still sees them as a compatriot, like in the case of Zero Kiryuu. Whether or not your muse received the blood of their keeper is up to you, but in the case that they haven’t-- she’s always there to assist in granting mercy whenever the time comes :’)

       - IF YOUR CHARACTER DOES NOT FIT INTO ANY OF THE ABOVE CATEGORIES / REGARDING OTHER VERSES:                - Please help me find something that works, I’m willing to try! Memes are incredibly helpful! Send one in, the tag is here, and we can go from there!

                  - My currently finished and ready-to-use Crossover Verse is K Proj., which can be read about right here.

      ♛   Current Open Post/s: Linked right here. There's no expiration date to these, and it doesn't matter if another person has replied to one, you are more than welcome to reply to one if it catches your eye at all.

      ♛   Anything else?:  YEAH, wow I am so sorry that got so long. Please note that this post may be updated periodically!

[jjunis-moved]

i saw u talk a lot abt how there were some things u were unsatisfied with when it came to ghosting and i was wondering what exactly? like the plot? or more so the character's personality? im actually very curious hehe. if u answer w an essay i honestly do not care, DO IT. it'd be so interested to read bcs i think i rlly attached myself to the ghosting characters and i'd be happy with any ghosting content from u (tho im also in love with atosn). ghosting was literally my first smau and it was love at first sight fr 🙏

ah sure let's talk about it!! i'll put it under a read more bc it'll probably be extensive and will probably get a little personal lol

i've been thinking a lot about ghosting (and why i got stuck) lately and i feel like there are so so many things that influenced me on that but sakjdhsadjkh i'll try to make a list or smth

1. to give u some background, i started writing ghosting back in december, and i did it was bc i had just gone through a fallout with a friend whom i used to talk to all day every day (she is not used as inspiration for any of the characters tho, interestingly enough lol). i was feeling very lonely and overwhelmed tbh. i had just moved to the house i'm currently living in and my grandma moved in with us (and she is the main inspiration for yn's dad so…… you know. i haven't felt like i have a home since then lol) PLUS i was babysitting a 5 year old who was…… literally one of the worst people i have met in my entire life. she is a NIGHTMARE and i was being extremely underpaid to deal with her. so i had all of these things (and more!! my mental health was just 📉📉) happening at once and clashing together in my brain, and that's how i started reading smaus on tumblr back then. i'd just do that on my free time to kinda forget everything that was bothering me. however all of that stress/frustration/depression kind of started taking me back to this OTHER friend that and lost years ago, and he was actually the main inspiration for beomgyu. i missed him a lot (still do tbh lol) and i knew we both fucked up a lot but even though we apologized and all i never really felt like i got any closure?? we still check on each other every now and then but it's mostly just awkward conversation that happens like 3 or 4 times a year. i have a really hard time letting go of certain things and although i don't harbor any romantic feelings for him anymore, i still miss the friendship we had all those years ago and i'm p sure it'll be something that will haunt me for the rest of my life lmaO. but anyway!! so i was going through all of that and i was missing someone who wasn't there and i thought "hey i could take those little pieces of my life and turn it into a love story or smth to keep me occupied". so i made this whole little world and tbh most of it is very self indulgent (like. ghosting taehyun and hyunjin??? they were made for ME lol i just wanted some comfort). and i was excited, bUT because i made it so personal, i kinda started to lose track of things and everything started to get messy lol but that's another problem, we'll get to that. the other night i was re-reading ghosting from the beginning and though i was complaining a LOT about the early chapters (lmao i found so many things i would change or rewrite and i cringed so much at some stuff), there were some bits that hit me really hard specifically bc they were so personal (i even dreamed of the dude on that night bc of that i-). and this reminds me that i originally started to write atosn for that same reason!! ghosting was starting to take a toll on me and i wanted something lighter and easier to write to keep my mind busy (especially bc when i started to write atosn i was going through a really shitty time at home and i had to stay at my mom's for a few weeks, so writing ghosting became super heavy back then lol). so all in all i still feel like it was a mistake to have such personal parts of me inserted into the story (which is ironic bc that was exactly what motivated me to write it since i wanted to let it all out???). it doesn't stop me completely from writing it, especially bc at this point it has gotten kinda far from the parts of me that i have used, but there's still this lowkey feeling of embarrassment idk how to explain it but . here u go

2. the plot!! kinda messy, 2/10 would not recommend. i can't for the life of me outline my fics, my adhd brain could never (and trust me i have TRIED). so i had an idea in my head, but i kept adding stuff to it. for example, i don't know when you started reading it, but originally on the masterlist i had something about having some yn x yeonjun bc there was gonna be a love triangle there but i kept taking the feedback i got and incorporating the ideas that i got from comments and the story kinda changed completely from what i had in mind. i don't think that's a bad thing at all, don't get me wrong, some of my favorite moments came from ideas that i got from stuff that people commented, but i feel like i should've been more careful if it makes sense??? logically speaking i know that as readers you guys don't notice the stuff i notice bc you don't know what i had in mind, but sometimes i go back to a chapter and i'm like "damn i was trying to do something here and then just completely took it away later huh" (or vice versa, there have been MULTIPLE things i added on the go — like the dad being way too obsessed with taehyun, that wasn't originally a thing). i feel like i lost track of some stuff idk??? i am actually proud of the microphone thing (beomgyu still keeping it in his bedroom and yn only finding out about it when they're already on "friendly" terms) bc that's something i planned and actually followed through like !!! wow look at me! but yep the fact that i kinda strayed away from the original plans AND the number of unnecessary chapters i came up with (we're on chapter 50-something and we barely got any signs of romance there except for maybe some subtle signs here and there skahdksahjd HELP) kinda hurts my lil virgo heart. and it's kinda hard for me to balance things out too? like the way i temporarily got rid of the dad was kinda dumb in my opinion, but i forced myself to do it so i could develop the other parts of the story (yngyu and the process of healing that their relationship is going through, their relationship with the people around them and their groups merging, and even yn moving in with tyun and hyunjin which is something i planned from the beginning and wasn't willing to give up) and i know i'm gonna have to deal with the dad again later and i just ???? i'm kinda lost with certain stuff bc i never know when i should focus on one thing or another?? but at the same time i don't think putting off writing this fic for literally 4 months has helped me at all so . i'm gonna have to face it!! and it's one of those things that i know i can get around if i actually work on it, but it also frustrates me greatly. and a side note about the plot: i regret the age i chose for the characters jdasdkgsad they're all like 18-20 pls what was i doing they should be at least 1 or 2 years older than that but anywAY we all just ignore their ages anyway let's pretend they're not so young.

3. the chAPTERS there are some chapters i wish i could erase from everyone's memories i'm not even joking. when i started rereading it i was skipping a few chapters bc i just 💀💀💀💀 please @ god save me. there are situations i wish i could change or rewrite entirely or simply just delete and make them never happen sjakdashdka i hate myself sometimes. but i try to comfort myself with the thought that the awkwardness is kinda part of the story?? bc it is, i can't change that, there is an awkwardness surrounding certain situations and it's part of the charm, right? and that should be okay

4. when i started posting ghosting, it would barely get any notes, and that was fine. but then it started to grow and grow and grow, and that was great! and then i started posting atosn and it was flopping at first, but suddenly it became bigger than ghosting. and from an objective point of view, it makes sense. atosn is a lot lighter, cuter, easier to write and read, it has some angst but it doesn't revolve around it, whereas ghosting revolves around two angsty stories (the fallout between beomgyu/yntyun & the dad being a piece of human trash). but it became so frustrating to me bc while atosn would get like 100-120+ notes in a day, ghosting started to get stuck around 70-80 notes or smth like that. and i KNOW it's just so stupid bc i used to get so happy whenever i got like 10 notes and now i was unsatisfied with 80?? and there are so many good smaus that get less notes than that on their chapters too??? so i felt bad FOR feeling bad about it lsdnajdhaskdhj but it definitely influenced me as well (which is one of the reasons i decided to end atosn first, bc then i wouldn't have this internal competition w myself. i wanted to end atosn back in september but i couldn't push myself to write enough and honestly thank god i couldn't or else we wouldn't have blond soobin rn /j)

5. reading other people's angst started to make me feel incredibly insecure. i'm not a writer by any means and i'm not as creative as i'd like to be. my experience with story writing comes from RPing on forums, but i do that in portuguese, so writing in english is a big challenge for me, bc it's not my first language and i'm self taught so………. ye. i lack the vocabulary to express myself sometimes (whenever i'm writing i open google a million times to look for certain words or expressions bc my mind just goes totally blank sajdsakdjjhsd it's a mess) AND i'm not that good at expressing emotions in general, so whenever i see someone doing it well i'm like "wow……… i suck". and i know i shouldn't do that bc 1) everyone has a different style, 2) i KNOW a lot of people enjoy ghosting just the way it is, 3) i can't compare myself to native english speakers or ppl who had the resources to learn the language more "in depth" like girlie look at you you're telling a whole ass story in another language!! stop whining about it!!!!!! but it's something i still struggle with

overall, i think the main point here is that i expect/demand too much from myself, i'm always finding problems everywhere, and i'm not always fair. bc sometimes i start nitpicking on something i do but i just know it in my heart that if a writer i admire wrote the exact same thing, it wouldn't bother me at all and i would enjoy it. i need to stop taking myself so seriously basically. and yes i can (and should) try to improve, but i can't just act like it's the end of the world when i find an old chapter i don't like, or i find a mistake in something i posted nearly a year ago. again, i'm not a writer, this is just a hobby, AND it was my first fanfic, so i should learn to be more gentle with myself. to sum it up: dani, it's not that deep, pls calm the fuck down.

[ts-2020-olympics]

Episode 11 - “I’m Winning This Hoe” - Karen (MERGE)

I’m really fucking mad at Nicole, first she fucked us over in the music challenge. And then she stole my vote? Bitch better be ready to go home

Low-key, I don't really care if I win anymore but I'm rooting for Stoner or Jordan 🤙 The old opposing team trying to be all sneaky and send all the good mornings to keep tabs on me is really annoying. Like, I get that it's more a social contest the later in the game but, eh. Shoo shoo. 

Hello, welcome to my moral dilemma. I’ve been kind of quiet in these confessionals because in short everyone hates me, but here’s the situation now. I think they’re going to vote me out, but I have something up my sleeve. *Pulls my tribal skip out of my sleeve for dramatic affect* If this was real survivor Jeff Probst would make them roll back the tape because I forgot to tell you I found this. Anyway. So I found this little tribal skip, BUT I’m really worried about using it. I have a lot of moral issues right now and I don’t know what to do. Jacob is safe, so that’s good. But, there’s bigger problems at large. If I use it, and nobody was voting me, I essentially waste it. But if they are voting me, I waste it AND die. I can play it for three more rounds and what if I need it in the upcoming ones? It’s also the fact that if I jump out of tribal, Kevin would probably go. I’m just nervous. I hope he has something he can use and they get Tommy or Sammy instead. I’m just really nervous. Jordan told me he wants to vote Kevin and I don’t know if I tell him or not. This is a LOT on my mind. Either way I want to use the tribal skip but, I’m nervous I’ll be leaving my allies without a vote and that could change everything. They might also be resentful next round. I’m just....SO STUCK. But I’ll be back with more info later, toodles.

Super excited to be back with Jordan, he’s my main bish and I missed him. After last tribal I’m having a rough time trusting literally anyone because everyone on my old tribe lied to my face 

For starters, Pete got voted out the past round, feel a little bad, because I know he was really dedicated towards this game.  However, just didn't have trust with him, and wanted to keep in my ally of Tommy a little bit longer, because I find Tommy is a good shield for me to try hiding behind for this merge.  Now, Jacob won Immunity, which is fine, I didn't want Jacob going anywhere yet anyways, then Caeleb is also immune due to the gold medal, again it's fine, as Caeleb wouldn't have been my pick of who to go either.  Anyways, it's merge now, so I know I got to step up my game a bit, however, I think it's more ideal to try staying under the radar the first couple rounds of merge, just to kind of find a good footing with people, as don't want to start making moves too early, as that could cost me in the future.  I need to keep as much trust with people as I can, and that's what I intend to do until the time is right to betray the trust.   Lastly, Eve and I talked about how us newbies are all basically getting picked off 1 by 1, so we think it's ideal that us 4 remaining newbies, (Myself, Eve, Sarah & Emma,) all try to stick together to get out some of these returnees, because if another newbie goes out this round, that makes it harder for the remaining newbies.   As well, we still have all 5 past winners in this game, and I'm pretty sure nobody wants to go to the end with past winners, except for maybe the other past winners.  For now though, just going with the flow, and going to make my strike when I feel the time is right.

The hunger games are really getting crazy in here

HELLO MERGE! Ugh I’m shook I made it this far but not really bc I’m winning this hoe. So ummmm last round em was coming for my wig but I said no! And now Pete is gone lol. Now this first tribal after merge....its gonna be messy or at least the lead up maybe if people stare scrambling. So I have myself in a tricky spot.... i have me, nicole and Kevin in one three person alliance, me, tommy and Darcy in another three person alliance, I have stoner who wants to work with me as well as Sammy and jp so like ajdjdjdndjdjdj gtg if people find out that I’m gonna be close with this many people. It also means that I’m gonna start betraying them soon bc that only leaves I think 3 people on the outskirts (Jacob, em and eve). I think I want to vote Jacob soon bc he seems close with nicole and kev and I don’t want that to be detrimental to my game. I’m gonna try to think too far ahead in this game though because i have so many options and that’ll stress me out and make me potentially make a bad decision. As of right now, not many names have been said for a vote, Darcy was thrown out by someone, same with stoner’s name which obviously I would want neither to be voted out, also Kevin’s name was dropped too rip. Everyone seems hesitant to say a name which is like worrying bc now I’m prob gonna be the one saying a name. Right now it may be between eve and em, however I’d lean more towards em only bc she targeted me previously and well, eve and I have a Canadian connection that I think I can build off of. So, I’m telling the two three-person alliances to vote em, and then I have jp telling stoner about the vote and Sammy and caeleb I can probably convince (I totally forgot about caeleb lmao I think we’re good, we do have a connection, however I don’t trust him going further into the game). Anyway, the only issue I have and what I’m scared about is that, of the people who wanted to work with me but haven’t gotten the opportunity to (jp, Sammy, stoner) I don’t know what kinds of allegiances they have to other people so I’m afraid if I say a name they will tell that person and then that person either goes after me or they play some sort of advantage and my plan backfires. I’m too nervous for someone who has so many close ties lol this isn’t fun.

What a crazy vote, if all goes well ill not only still be in the game, but just have been proven that my reach of control is exactly as wide as I need it to be. I think my strategy is to have my hands in as many cookies jars as possible without taking a cookie. I have Stoner and sarah my tight 3. A connection with Eve. An alliance with sammy and Caeleb. A deal with Emma. A pack to work with nicole to keep us threats in the game longer, as well as the first deal im breaking tonihgt which is karen and tommy. Karen threw my name out allegedly this morning to nicole, whether it was halfheartedly or not, it shows they are willing to throw me under the bus and im willing to throw them under it first. How the fallout will go i dont know but I am shook

I made Merge and I survived despite my name getting thrown out last round, and already have 1 bitter juror against me. I'm gonna try to play a more passive game strategically so I don't get targeted as a "threat". Rn my main focus is Darcy and myself, Kevin and myself, Karen and myself, and that's about it everyone else I'm still building relationships with. I'd prefer if we get out someone who was on the 2nd Swap Miraitowa first so that way we have majority until at least Final 10 which would be good. Im just hoping I don't head home. Also I threw immunity cause I didn't wanna be precieved as a challenge threat. 

This round I’m really putting most of my trust in caeleb and Jordan’s hands. I’m relying on Kevin for information from the other side. I see several trios which makes me nervous. For example, Jordan/Sarah/Stoner Darcy/Tommy/Karen Nicole/Jacob/Kevin so i think I need to make a group with Emma/Caeleb/Eve. I will admit I made the plan of making Nicole and Kevin paranoid but telling kevin that his name was going around to make Nicole think it was just a side name to make her think she was going home. So it would make them two paranoid in case an idol was in play. But in reality we would just blindside karen. The plan ended up becoming common knowledge unfortunately so I had to backtrack. I hope karen goes but at this point i have no idea. I am also in a rush but i had good convo with Kevin today and i trust him more.

I have a bad feeling, if this is the end of the road and I end up not using this tribal skip I think I’ll be okay with that. If I use it, everyone is going to be angered with me and my trust will be broken with nearly everyone. It’s a cowardly move and I rather go out taking the risk than ducking from the first merge tribal. I really hope I don’t go because 13th kind of sucks BUT it’s a hell of a lot better than having everyone distrust and hate me going forward. I just want to keep playing 🥺 fuck this is scary.