#theres this Thing that id sometimes do when playing for my instructor

[ajdrawshq]

not that i havent said it a million times already but kris' piano playing in noelles house is so so charming and fun to listen to. big fan of when u can hear them try to remember the next part of a song

[blckdtd]

"Train"

i had a crush on a college friend for like three years already... maybe longer than that. im writing this post because ive dreamt about him this morning. i tried to sleep again as i still want to continue that crazy dream since it was a bit beautiful. we were happy in that dream. but im not sure if because we are together as a couple or as something else.

i actually really like seeing him smile most of the time, thats why whenever we go home together i try to talk to him and make him laugh or smile as much as possible. but, being a funny person was not my best asset, so its always... awkward. it also fascinates me whenever we dont talk at all, or when his face is blank with unreadable emotion, though sometimes im having anxious thoughts that maybe he was annoyed on why do i kept talking and talking when he is clearly not interested. those moments taught me to shut my mouth most of the times.

but how did everything started? ill try to recall everything dont worry.

it was summer, and we were still freshman in college, group chats for sections in our department were already made and people were already having some clicks and groups. i also found our class' group chats, and while scrolling on the member's list, he was the first person i added on facebook since i noticed he was quite good looking (young me dumb me. always lookinh for the face. apologies). but i never messaged him personally on facebook.

first day came in, he was the first person i talked to actually since he was the person i first recognized. but, during freshman year, he was not my seasonal crush. had a crush on two person on different sememsters, one for each sememsters, but i dont think theres a need to elaborate on that i guess. maybe another time.

sophomore year is starting to come in. summer after fresh man year, i found out that the four of us will be in the same section, me, him, T, and A. the thing is, we actually belong in the same group of friends, we also have the gc (group chat). when i found out that the four of us are in the same class, i started to have some panic or thinking, that "oh shit. he is my classmate. this year. he ll be on the long list of my seasonal mandatory crush (i know. it sucks to have this mentality, like i cannot move forward to my life without having a crush on anyone or anything). i tried to avoid the feelings because he is quite a nice person. but it happened after that event.

swimming class, this was the first day i guess??? i cant remember. but i know it was the swimming class. the four of us were kinda huddled together since we dont rrally get alonv with everyone yet, and the instructor said to group ourselves in to two. to be honest, during the time, i quite sure o dont have the feelings for him yet. so me and him like automatically paired ourselves, since t and a automatically paired themselves. then he said "lets go there". then we grabbed each others hand, under the water. i can still remember that time because after that day, i did not exactly have it in mind, but the longer the time passes, the more i can remember, and im pretty sure he dont even remembered that day.

we hold hands under water and he lead the way. it was not the romantic type holding hands, the one where people actually intertwined their hands, it was just simple holding hands. then we let go, and started the routines we need to do.

being that im the fat one, i did feel how his hands are kinds bony since hes quite thin. and he is also lighter, i even believed that i could piggy back him if he ask me too. i know that he is lighter when our instructor ask us to do a simple floating where we simply lay flat on the water surface. it was fun knowing that he actually cant do that given that he is a really good swimmer and he is lighter too, but i can, a non good swimmer even if it could save my life. i almost like carried him in my arms to guide him how to float, thats how i found out he is light, but thats okay, i also liked that about him.

then one day, i woke up, i said to my self. "shit. im having a crush on him. this is not good". what i hate about this, is because i have the constant need to show off or have his attention or be in the same grouos or anything with him... like? we are already going home together cause we take tge same train or something, im so greedy, attention seeker, obsessed, annoying. i also chat him on facebook most of the time, like i always need to find a reason to talk to him or something. almost the whole year of second year college was me being a bother to him or something, and i just fully realized it now. and if ever for some reason you read this, yes, this is about you, and im really sorry for bothering you all these years thinking that you might, well, "reciprocate" the feelings, in short, sorry for being immature.

til this day, some parts of my heart, wished that there are times where he did enjoy our small talks on the train, or if he did enjoy having me as a "friend".

i can still remember how we talked about the girl you almost become girlfriend, about how you felt when one of our classmate gave you something on valentines day, how i fucked up and confessed of having feelings for you, and how we somehow remained as friends even after that day. i know you told our other friends that i confessed my feelings for you, thats why they started teasing me about it.

i missed you needing me to go somewhere sometimes because youre not much of a streetsmart or always forgets how to go some certain place. i remember how i said that you can rest your head on my shoulder when we were on the train on our way to one of our friends house to make a costume, how i lend my earphones to you so you can listen to some music even though i actually love listening to music, how you waited for me on train station even though i was late. we had a meet up.that day because you want to buy something that we found while looking for some naterials to make the costume, well you waited because you barely remember how to get there in the first place. not gonna lie, i was kinda happy how you waited for me on that station.

i can also remember how we talked throughout our jeepney ride on our way to the station, im sorry to say this, but during that day, i somehow had a hunch that you were just talking to me because i kinda led our way on how the two of us will get home, because you dont always talk to me in first place, ever since that day you knew, which i did understood, but i dont know why i still.stood my ground on seeking yoir attention. ha! but yes i can still remember how i take you to your station on your way home because you dont know your way, i got off of the train even though i could have just stayed and have my way home. it was fun though, and so foolish of me.

why am i even head over heels on you even after all this years? yes until now.

third year college, i promised my self that ill try to stop having feelings for you. but i didnt. but we were on that level where we just accepted that yeah i know that you know thatbinhave feelings for you but we will just be civil about it. we were kind of a pair tbh, you can use my phone whenever you want since that was the time when yiu dont have your own phone. you actually have more photos on that phone than me lol. we were in a civil state to the point we even became automatic pairs on an activity in botany class. we even became thesis groupmates. you probably had the most contribution on that thesis so i still thank you even till this day.

i also remembered when you asked me to come with you to get your birth certificate since you actually dont know how to get one, not gonna lie again, i was kinda having a moment back there since we were in the middle of thesis day, more like finishing it up, but you asked me to come with you. we travelled like for almost an hour for that, fell in line just to have your id photocopied, then i instructed you on which line you should take next, how to get this and that, then i waited for you, again. so we can also go back to the university. i had some realizations that day. on the lengths that my feelings for you drove me.

i also remembered how we went home together like we usually do after that earthquake since the station had a bit of crack on its foundation. but we went to separate ways you rode a jeepney on your way. i walked to mine.

one of the things that touched me was when you asked me about my favorite band, why did i liked them, and you somehow, had some small history, that you listened to them before or something.

but there are also those days where we dont even talked about anythibg at all. we just stayed silent. and bid our goodbyes and take cares. maybe those were your favorite days, just kidding.

im not trying to paint you as bad guy for not reciprocating or anything. im just remembering things, and i need to let them out.

it kinda sucks when i didnt saw you on the last day where we need to return our graduation gowns because i need to leave early that day because of an emergency family trip to the beach. just a celebration because i just graduated.

im sorry i still havent picked up your drawings that i said i will buy just to help you. because i had a job that time and you still havent because youre supposed to go to a medical school.

our company had a job opening but i was too shy to send the invite to you, idk why. i did tried to talk to you again just like a normal friend but, i know i cant. even while writing this, i can attest that im still not in the best condition to talk to you because i still... cant move on. this sucks.

there are parts of me that wished i didnt approached you on the first day of class. or maybe i shouldnt held your hand under water. or maybe... i shouldnt have just let this.feelings swallowed me.

i dreamed of you last night. but dont worry, nothinh sexual. i dreamed of holding your hand again. and seeing your smile. softly playing your hands until they were intertwined. it was a good dream. i wish i didnt woke up. but i need to.

your smile was so beautiful, i rarely saw them actually even after hundreds of train trips we had together. i loved the sound of your laugh actually that will soon give your smilling face. i can even remember your eyelashes they were so beautiful, though i hope you werent freaked out when i looked at you.

youre a beautiful person, your smart, you sometimes dark humor, you being lowkey gentleman, your creativity and artistry. everything about you.

to end this, i hope you know that it is not late to pursue your artistic passion or to go to a medical school. youre a brilliant person Eli, i hope you know that also. and i loved you, as person, as a friend, as someone who i went head over heels. right now, i do wish we meet again, but in a different time, but now, i only wish you happiness and success. thank you for being part of my life as a simple college student.

[alicedoessurveys]

80 Questions

1. What was your favorite sweet as a child? never really been a fan of sweets, I was more into chocolate

2. Do you like to wear socks to bed? occasionally, if im very cold 

3. Do you own a lunch box? a couple yes, I bought myself some just before christmas when I was in a show so I could take dinner to the theatre 

4. How many coats do you own? two

5. How many times a day do you brush your teeth? twice

6. Do you keep spare change? I do have a piggy bank that I empty small change into because I hate when it bulks up my purse. the only change I keep in my purse in £1, £2, 50p, 20p and 10p coins

7. When was the last party you went to? after show party for the most recent show I helped out with last month 

8. Do you cook? sometimes yep, when I feel like it. I have to be in the right mood to cook a full on meal but I cook myself small lunches most days 

9. Are you cold at this very moment? im just right at the moment 

10. Do you know anyone in jail? nope

11. Have you ever dressed up? like in a costume? yeah quite a few times, especially since I joined the theatre. 

12. What color pen do you prefer, blue or black? blue

13. Are you afraid of snakes? not afraid of them no but they make my skin crawl and id rather not be around one 

14. Do you like scented candles? depends on the scent but mostly yes I love candles

15. Does your house have a white picket fence? nope

16. Do you watch the evening news? very rarely. I only tend to watch it when somethings happened like if theres been an attack or if someone well known has died

17. Whats your favorite berry? is a cherry classed a berry? 

18. Do you like to watch people? yes

19. Do you prefer to have a shower in the morning or at night? morning, I can never be bothered to blow dry my hair if I shower at night

20. Can you relate emotionally to some songs? yes

21. Who do you tell everything to? there is no one I tell everything to. but I tell my mom most things

22. Where is your mobile phone currently located? on the coffee table in front of me

23. Are you emotional? very

24. What was the last thing you said aloud? ‘no thank you im alright’ - im sat in the bar area at the theatre waiting or rehearsals and the guy who works behind the bar offered me some popcorn 

25. Did you have candles on your birthday cake? yes

26. How old are you? 22

27. Have you ever been bitten by anything? yes, my nans ferret bit and latched onto my nose when I was asleep on nans sofa when I was like 7 years old 

28. What DVD is currently in your DVD player? Harry Potter and the deathly hallows part 2

29. Do you have curtains or blinds on your windows? blinds

30. Do you have a habit of talking fast? yes, especially if im excited or nervous 

31. Do you appreciate what you have? Im trying to be more appreciative 

32. Is it dark outside? not really, it got super dark like half an hour ago when it rained but its okay again now 

33. Are you responsible? I try to be

34. Do you think you could take care of another person? I do quite often

35. Ever had a pregnancy scare? nope

36. Do you have scars you don’t like to talk about? not that I dont talk about nope

37. Ever want to take things you’ve said back? yes

38. Do you smoke? No

39. Do you partake in gaming? I play sims and I play some ps3 games

40. Did your mother sing you a lullaby as a child? I dont remember 

41. Ever get mad at something that happened years ago? yes

42. What’s the kind of soda you drink most often? cherry coke 

43. Have you ever swallowed a piece of ice whole? no, I dont tend to have ice 

44. Who do you text the most? probably nick or rhys

45. Do your legs get really itchy after shaving them? every time 

46. Were you ever forced to read The Scarlet Letter in school? nope

47. Have you ever been called beautiful? Yes

48. Do you plan on sleeping in tomorrow? I hope too

49. Are you afraid of getting cheated on? a bit, but I dont really think about it because im not even in a relationship

50. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? yes all my jeans are skinny jeans 

51. How are you feeling RIGHT now? tired

52. What (or who) would you really like to hold right now? no one really

53. And what would you like to let go of? overly dramatic people who dont care about me as much as I care about them

54. Sunrise or sunset: which did you see last? sunset

55. Did you ever collect any type of cards? (Baseball cards, etc.) when I was in school I collected yu-gi-oh cards but I only because so many of my friends did. I didn't actually understand them or what there purpose was :’)

56. Do you have any stickers or anything on your laptop? I have a sticker on my laptop that covers the whole back 

57. When was the last time you got a haircut? last July 

58. Where did you go to college? Or, where do/did you want to go? I went to 3 colleges, I went to Stratford upon Avon college for 2 years then I went to Warwickshire college for half a year and solihull college for a year

59. Can you lucid dream? nope

60. Have you learned to love your body yet? No

61. What was the last sport you watched on TV? the Winter Olympics 

62. When did you last get a sunburn and where was it? I dont remember, I rarely catch the sun

63. If you could drop any subject right now in school, it would be…? im not in school anymore

64. Can people usually tell if you’re sad? people who know me well can normally tell

65. Finish the sentence: I can eat a whole bag of… chocolate m&ms

66. Would you rather have curvy legs or skinny legs? skinny

67. How much fruit do you eat on a given day? most days none

68. When someone takes your picture, do you smile with mouth open or closed? open

69. Do you look presentable right now? I hope so, since I am not at home 

70. Have you ever had your ass grabbed? Yes while I was at a music festival and it was not okay

71. Do you post things on Facebook that are personal? I barely post on facebook anymore 

72. Do you ever listen to music that’s in a different language? yes. I used to be a Zumba instructor so I have a whole playlist of music I used to dance to that is majority foreign 

73. Is your bed made currently? half made

74. Do you feel safe riding in taxis by yourself? I barely use taxis, but when I do I use uber and that feels safe

75. Are you craving food/snacks of sort currently? Yeah.

76. Are you very interested in History? not like super interested, but I do like learning about it. especially about British kings and queens

77. Play any instruments? ukulele and a tiny bit piano 

78. Have you ever painted the walls of your room? Yes

79. When was the last time you tied your hair up? (if your hair is long enough) last night so I could wash my face

80. Ever wanted to learn a foreign language? Yes. I started learning Italian but kinda gave up and dont remember much of it now