#these are mostly based on stuff from supports
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saja boys' sixth member is... a girl ? - PROLOGUE | you're beautiful/ohshc inspired au | saja boys x reader
series summary: in this story, you are pretending to be a boy. not just any boy--a saja boy. but what will you do when not even your fellow members--the ones you now share a dorm with--can find out you're actually a girl? stay tuned for more!! (heavily based on a kdrama called you're beautiful + ouran high school host club)
this part is mostly exposition w no romance to set up for a larger plot (i wanted to stay loyal to the source material, meaning i started from the beginning) in the form of an awfully formatted screenplay but if you would like to skip to something more juicy, here are some hcs on how the boys would discover your secret and react :) also will probably get into the real stuff next chapter which may include reader moving in with and meeting the guys !!!! anyways enjoy

















thank u thank u for reading my luvs. honestly not totally committed to continuing or finishing this but plz lmk if u want me to !!!!!
hope you enjoyed and thank you for the support on the previous post :) really means a lot to me!
especially @ch1cky-093 ^o^ you made my day when u asked to b tagged :)
masterlist
#jinu x reader#fanfic#kpop demon hunters#kpdh mystery#kpdh romance#kpdh abby#kpdh fanfic#kpdh#kpdh x reader#kpop demon hunters x reader#saja boys#saja boys x reader#baby saja#mystery saja#saja baby#saja roman#saja mystery#huntrix#jinu#jinu kpdh#jinu kpop demon hunters#kpdh oc
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yeah while I am supportive of the ship because we always love seeing more queer people on screen, I'm not personally that invested at them. we never got to see them get together, and in order to do that, they should have started building the relationship in season two, instead of whatever the fuck that Hannibal and Alana thing was that they did.
I had this whole conceit of what would happen in season 2, and part of it was definitely Freddie and Alana putting aside their mutual animosity from season 1 to investigate some things that just don't feel right. both of them strike up an unlikely bond, and who knows where that might have gone?
if you really wanted to set up Margot and Alana in season 2, you could have just simply made Alana her therapist. and maybe at some point Alana realizes that her feelings are a little too intense, and so she excuses herself from being Margot's therapist and refers her to her trusted colleague ... Hannibal. Hannibal is where Margot dumps all of her dark thoughts and feelings, so that she can be an unburdened version of herself for Alana. and Hannibal exploits the hell out of that.
just like.. SCREAMS. there's so much great stuff here, but I feel like seasons two and three were mostly based on scenes they wanted to shoot, and the plot was secondary. I've been mad about it basically ever since it aired, but it's hard to talk about without sounding unsupportive of the show or these characters. Alana's overarching multi-season plot and character development is all over the place. I don't think they had a plan for that character at all - Bryan just wanted to work with Caroline Dhavernas again. Which is his prerogative as director but as a viewer following one of the only main female leads in this show, it was incredibly frustrating.
I'm really enjoying the tags and comments from everybody in this post.
Unpopular opinion: Alana and Margot have zero chemistry. Like, both beautiful, can see both as lesbians, but theirs is the most uninspiring ship imaginable.
I am very curious how you guys feel about this one.
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fe3h characters and lana del rey lyrics i think fit them :P two things i rlly like rn
#fe3h#fire emblem three houses#fe three houses#three houses#dimitri alexandre blaiddyd#sylvain jose gautier#edelgard von hresvelg#dorothea arnault#mercedes von martritz#claude von riegan#felix hugo fraldarius#marianne von edmund#lysithea von ordelia#bernadetta von varley#these are mostly based on stuff from supports
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Given that their composition changes so regularly, any team I currently support may be made up of completely different players, coaches, and administrators in five years. In what sense, then, will I be supporting the same team that I support now?
adam kadlac, the ethics of sports fandom
been thinking about this a lot lately, especially in relation to the growing trend of fans (in a variety team sports) supporting individual players as opposed to teams. what compels us to continue supporting a team even after the youngest player at the first match we watched has retired? what identity, independent of the players who make it up, does a team posses? even after players have been traded, coaches have been hired and fired, and ownership has changed hands, there remains some spirit so foundational to the being of the club that allows us to identify it as the same. this, i believe, is it's grounding in and connection to a particular place.
i find it particularly telling that the practice of supporting individuals over teams is perhaps most prevalent in sports where there is a concerted effort made to scrub away a team's sense of place to make way for sponsor based identities, such as formula 1. the sport's international nature and high team turnover rate (tied to sponsors, of course) likely also plays a part. what, then, is driving this change in other sports?
football has always been a sport where teams have been intrinsically tied to a place. while the player over team support trend has yet to become as prevalent in football as it is in some other sports, it does seem to be creeping in. this could be potentially chalked up to a number of factors. perhaps it's the globalization (read: mostly increased american interest, as the rest of the world has been playing football happily for years) of the sports, introducing fans who have no personal connection to the place a club is from, and therefore lack allegiance to the club. maybe it's the steady increase in foreign ownership of teams, to an extent where this erodes away at fan's visions of a club as a physical manifestation of the spirit of their hometown. perhaps stronger personal branding of players is a part of it; they're no longer simply an agent of the team, but an individual in their own right, worthy of being followed no matter where they go (there is something to be said here about the relationship between personal branding, increased sponsor opportunities, and the fact that having ten individual players shill your product is better than the singular entity that is the team). whatever it is, i do find it a little sad - it renders teams somewhat purposeless, empty husks whose only purpose is to house players, otherwise devoid of value.
#had a though. it expanded. have this weird condensed abstractish thing#in my mind there's a fat chunk after paragraph 1 where i actually prove the stuff about place w everything the server was discussing earlie#and like. a deep dive into the f1/broader motorsport aspect of it. and other sports where this is quickly happening#cycling mutuals do u see this happening? bc that's another team sport where team identity is mostly i think more sponsors based?#plus the fact that cycling teams function so differently...so many sacrificial guys all for one special guy#and tbh i feel like while this may be happening in football it's at a CRAWLING pace#which speaks to the clubs connection with communities#like bilbao liverpool barca ect are just SO ENTRENCHED and inseperable from their respective places#there is a chapter in this imaginary paper about team names. bc so so so many footy team names are THE NAME OF THE PLACE#or are super duper tied to the name of the place (arsenal ect)#side note do we think the prevalance of american arsenal fans has something to do with the lack of an overt place name in their title?#anyways. yes names. and when u look at sports where player support is happening faster it's the ones where hella teams are named forsponsor#probably something to be said here about saudi pro league naming convention (not place based at alll) and the general identity and existenc#but that's a whole nother nuanced discussion#ANYWAYS. if u read till here mwah ily send me ur thoughts#sports#squish speaks#sport + place
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Also listen... I'm hesitant to talk about this just cause of my whole preferring not to talk too much about current events cause I know you all already know, but I gotta say something at at least... like for my own sake on this one
What happened in Boulder is terrible, and... I don't know... shouldn't even need saying, but with the amount of antisemitism I'm seeing these days I at least have to do the bare minimum and say that much
You don't get to kill people just because you disagree with them, even if they're truly horrible you don't
I've been worried about antisemitism on the left for years and... it's coming out in exactly the ways I was fearing all the way back in like 2015
You can criticize the Israeli government with being antisemitic, I actually think it's pretty easy. You say something like "I think it's wrong to bomb hospitals and I think Israel needs to stop", and I did that without having to bring up Jews at all
At a certain point you have to ask, are you fighting for peace? Are you fighting for an end to suffering and senseless death? ...cause I'm not so sure, with way too many people these days I'm just not so sure that's the major focus anymore
Grew up knowing a lot of Jewish people, so I'm not Jewish and at the end of the day I'm safe from any antisemitism... I'm not the one at risk here and any time I wanted I can just shut up and I'm not effected... I know that about me. But even though it's been so many years, was close to enough Jews growing up that antisemitism fucking eats at me, and I gotta say something
You've got people literally just... existing, living their lives... what the hell are you doing bothering Jews for?
Final closing thoughts?
You're not immune to antisemitism. I'm not immune to antisemitism. Even Jewish people aren't immune to it. None of us are immune to being bigoted or hateful. Just because you're coming at things from a good place, a place of love, a place of caring... it doesn't make you immune. In fact, a lot of times love is exactly what gets twisted around till it's a justification for horrible things. You've gotta be careful. Care more about protecting Gazans than hurting or punishing people... like they need help and we gotta do what we can
Second is that you can criticize a government without needing to rip in to everyone in a country. You got anything going on in your country that your government is doing that you don't like? ...yeah, those bastards kinda have a way of doing that, don't they?
Rip the hell into the Israeli government. I don't talk about much other than Ukraine, cause frankly I'm just way more informed on Ukraine and... I think I'm more at risk of saying something stupid than useful here, that's why I tend to shut the hell up, but I mean... Israel's military reminds me way too much of russia's and you have to understand to me there's few worse insults (it's the bombing hospitals that really does it)
But man... what's wrong with you if you're acting like every Jew in the world is responsible for the Israeli government? Not even every Israeli is responsible. They're not a monolith just like you're not a monolith with your government
Focus your anger on who deserves it and stop catching Jews in the crossfire (and if you already do that, then that's real good news to me)
Just seeing way too much antisemitism lately, and way way way too much of it on the left. I can't take it, I can take seeing that growing in my own backyard, you know? If I were gonna convert to anything, it would be Judaism, I feel a connection and I had a lotta friends growing up, so I can't take seeing all this shit
So sincerely, all I'm asking is you look at yourself and make sure you're not sliding into being hateful. That's it... and if look and think maybe you are... don't be doubling down out of shame, get that I'm here telling you that could be me too. There's a line that'll work on all of us if we're not careful, what matters is you catch yourself and work to do better
Anyway... haven't wanted to make this post cause I hate putting too much negative stuff on people's dash, but... man... I can't take it anymore and I gotta say something
Cause it eats at me
#and since I'm saying all this; I'll just add that... again; I'm not nearly as deeply informed on this as I am Ukraine#mostly cause... I can only take one atrocity at a time; it gets hard keeping up with all the death in Ukraine even#I just... I don't have it in me... it'll burn me out#so take what I'm about to say with that declaration#but from my perspective I don't think Egypt catches nearly enough flak for the role they play in this#like they share a border... they can let people out... but they don't; to my understanding they really don't#from what I can tell you need like $5000k to get in; and then you're not getting a work visa; that's what a lot of the fundraising is for#to get the money to even be let in (for the people where that's what they're trying to do; vs those just looking to try and eat)#they may not be the biggest player in this; they may not be the main actor or the cause#but... I think they're culpable; and I don't know that I personally have seen any criticism leveled at them#...but then again; I'm not informed; I'm really not; and I'm just laying that on the table#and that's not what this is about; it's just something that's been on my mind a long time#I hate... I know everyone's dash is filled with this nonstop every day#so I hate adding to it#but I just... I gotta fucking say something; I gotta say something about this#and if you ask 'why are you saying stuff about antisemitism and not about Gaza?'#well... one... I think I did in there; I think I made my stance pretty clear#but two... I told you... had a lot of Jewish friends growing up; and I gotta say at least something about the antisemitism I'm seeing#I see the couple Jewish mutuals I have talking about their stuff or sharing other Jewish users and#...man... my version is watered down#like all I'm asking man is that we support Gaza without being antisemitic... to me; that's not a tall ask#but I can tell it's pretty huge based on... based on shit I see... based on this attack
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You know... it's okay to trust your body. If you are separated from your body to such an extent you feel you cannot trust it, I truly from the bottom of my heart empathize and feel grief for you, but you can trust your body.
It's okay to listen to your body and to heed what it is telling you. I wish you (and your body) well wherever you go. You deserve the peace of mind to feel able to do what you want.
#positivity#mental health#mental health support#gentle reminders#this is something i struggle with myself so that's why i said i empathize (well... i guess as much as you CAN empathize)#(because even if you have gone through the same thing... it's not going to look the same as somebody else going through that)#(and while it can be valuable to express empathy it doesn't mean you truly 'get it' from the other person's point of view)#i struggle sometimes not to feel like my body is fucking with me because sometimes i expect it to function at bare minimum#or i just assume that when it is in debilitating pain that it's just... somehow to fuck with me and i am cognizant that this isn't true#i am cognitively aware that the body isn't Specifically Designed to have a Fuck With You mode even if it feels like it#but my experiences with disabilities and general unwellness made it easy for me to alienate myself from my body#in order to preserve myself i felt the need to separate myself from every flaw (or 'flaw') i have#so when people are confused about why you could mistrust your /own body/ it's stuff like this that can somewhat illustrate it#i think we don't really talk about this but i think it's more common than i would assume#(mostly based on the There Are Eight Billion People principle)#hm making this also makes me realize that abuse absolutely plays into how i mistrust my body. hm.#mistrust in your body feels like self-protection and self-preservation in this weird and almost twisted way (at least in my experience)#but then you start mistrusting *everything* and nothing feels... GOOD or NORMAL anymore#i'm going to play mahjong about this 🫡👍
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#crying i love the isack anons from last night everyone was so fun#i mostly only see bearnelli gossip & idrgaf about them like that & i have f1 gossip muted. so gafing about a rookie driver is new to me#i love him your honor#i thought he had no personality & at some point got annoyed cos there was too much of him on the vcarb tiktok & less of yuki hhwjhrjwdj#based on what i heard ab him from f2 I thought he'd give yuki problems & i was fresh from regretting my support for 30#+ the stuff i read from p3p3 m4rti fans weren't very good lol#so seeing him & yuki being so happy around each other has been really heartwarming#he was part of my preseason replist tho even when i didn't know him & i'm so happy for him now#i warmed up to him when I saw his helmet from his karting days with a tiny 🇵🇸 flag ;_;#he gave me a huge crisis when he outqualified yuki LMAO i was so angry at yuki. genuinely believed my goat was washed#so to solve that problem i started *really* repping isack too. now i have 2 drivers to think about 🤠 if yuki flops isack is there anyway#i went from headloss to acceptance to repping to crushing on him. in 3 days like what#his roblox grin is just cute idk what to say#plus when he meeps heh#if you don't follow me tmi i never had anything for f1 drivers 💀 closest thing is mika but he's my failmuse. beautiful boyfailure#coincidentally they have the same birthday lmao#it takes a lot for me to crush on men bruh i'm just here for the yaoi. so the whiplash is crazy#this shit is so embarrassing 🤠🔫 but we ball#sorry but it was funny when he cried & the photos were from behind so it was just his giant ass like that everyone is so mean to me 💔 meme#f1txt#isack hadjar#ih6
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sometimes i wish i wasnt a guy who gets so exhausted from writing even 1k words in a day's work bc there are fic ideas up there man,,, theyre not Great ideas but they exist at least....
#contextually from tumblr i have picked up that there might be a naddpod fic renaissance these days#like when i joined the fandom last yr the a o3 was pretty slow-going and mostly c1 based#but i keep seeing posts here with fic links#to c3 stuff (and also still c1)#have i read any of them? unfortunately no#but like. hell yeah love it for the fandom#i think theres a lot of char study stuff on there these days??#which honestly usually i Love but tbh for naddpod i feel like i get more entranced by other things besides pc char study#which!! to be clear i still support and enjoy#but like. not as heavily in this fandom weirdly as i have in previous fandoms#actually? i lied#now that im thinking abt it i need 18 intense zirk character study fics#im one of those fucking 'i was born in the wrong era' girls but instead i mean i shouldve been listening to naddpd when c2 was airing#thats my annoying trait tbh#ineed intense character study. i t just needs to be about stella vervain.#ok clearly im still a little unwell even tho i went to work todya bc these tags are ramblier than usual even for me#idk what this is. sorry if u read thsi btw. usually my long block of tags are actually so woke and cool#i swear. fucking trust me bro pls#my best content is buried in tags usually. this is the exception. pleas come back . i promise i promise
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i think my brain is just going to flood me with every single thing that sucked and was weird about coming out as trans at 15 for a while lol.
#god i wish i could remember when in the year i came out lol#it was totally early in the year.#i have so much i want to complain about or be sad about and a lot of things I wish I'd handled differently#mostly just thinking about a friend from boy school telling me [my] secret is safe with [him]'#and being slightly 'lol. I'm like out it's fine' about it instead of actually clinging on to still being friends with him#can't even imagine what it was like to have one of his best friends leave and then suddenly be trans#and to try and be supportive and she kinda drops off the face of the earth#now it's just kinda awkward occasionally seeing eachother across town or something#if it wasn't obvious boys don't cry is based on my experience at boys school lmao#there's also a bit of a feeling of 'wasting' transitioning so young because i could have gotten laser/electrolysis but didn't#and never voice trained. but also like who cares? that's just who i am. it wasn't a huge deal at the time and it isn't now#it's just looking back at missed opportunities i guess#ok I'll shush now#i know it was probably before june 2018 but I'm so bad at remembering#i don't know how long it all took to deal with my parents#so I don't remember#but I'm 90% sure i got girl stuff for my birthday? or that was the year after. i literally don't remember#no it was
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In the wake of the TikTok ban and revival as a mouthpiece for fascist propaganda, as well as the downfall of Twitter and Facebook/Facebook-owned platforms to the same evils, I think now is a better time than ever to say LEARN HTML!!! FREE YOURSELVES FROM THE SHACKLES OF MAJOR SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORMS AND EMBRACE THE INDIE WEB!!!
You can host a website on Neocities for free as long as it's under 1GB (which is a LOT more than it sounds like let me tell you) but if that's not enough you can get 50GB of space (and a variety of other perks) for only $5 a month.
And if you can't/don't want to pay for the extra space, sites like File Garden and Catbox let you host files for free that you can easily link into NeoCities pages (I do this to host videos on mine!) (It also lets you share files NeoCities wouldn't let you upload for free anyways, this is how I upload the .zip files for my 3DS themes on my site.)
Don't know how to write HTML/CSS? No problem. W3schools is an invaluable resource with free lessons on HTML, CSS, JavaScript, PHP, and a whole slew of other programming languages, both for web development and otherwise.
Want a more traditional social media experience? SpaceHey is a platform that mimics the experience of 2000s MySpace
Struggling to find independent web pages that cater to your interests via major search engines? I've got you covered. Marginalia and Wiby are search engines that specifically prioritize non-commercial content. Marginalia also has filters that let you search for more specific categories of website, like wikis, blogs, academia, forums, and vintage sites.
Maybe you wanna log off the modern internet landscape altogether and step back into the pre-social media web altogether, well, Protoweb lets you do just that. It's a proxy service for older browsers (or really just any browser that supports HTTP, but that's mostly old browsers now anyways) that lets you visit restored snapshots of vintage websites.
Protoweb has a lot of Geocities content archived, but if you're interested in that you can find even more old Geocities sites over on the Geocities Gallery
And really this is just general tip-of-the-iceberg stuff. If you dig a little deeper you can find loads more interesting stuff out there. The internet doesn't have to be a miserable place full of nothing but doomposting and targeted ads. The first step to making it less miserable is for YOU, yes YOU, to quit spending all your time on it looking at the handful of miserable websites big tech wants you to spend all your time on.
#this is a side point so it's going here but I really think tech literacy should be a requirement in schools like math grammar history etc.#we live in a world so dominated by the stuff and yet a majority of the population does not understand it at even the most fundamental level#tiktok#tiktok ban#indie web#neocities#web development#current events#twitter#facebook#meta#amazon
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finally got around to putting together elden ring builds for the post-ph crew, and tested them out briefly, so here are the builds i came up with and all that! (absolutely a very long post, i had fun explaining a lot of my reasoning)
i'm not going to give them exact stats, just some vague idea of what they'd likely lean towards, and i can't say much to what equip load they have. when i tested these builds out i had 72 endurance. this uses exclusively base-game equipment since i don’t have the dlc and wanted to test these out for myself.
i also don’t use many spells or any incantations so the spell and incantation choices are mostly based on wiki descriptions and whether or not i felt it would fit the character.
some context is that this is with the idea that somehow these four get zapped into the lands between as tarnished, and this is the equipment i think they’d use, disregarding what is needed to access most of this stuff.
i also didn't change my tarnished's appearance for these, not that i think i could accurately replicate these four in elden ring's character creator, anyways, so you get to see my tarnished's face with all of these :)
Link:

His armor is: the highwayman hood, the blue cloth vest, exile gauntlets, and Carian knight greaves.
There's practically no green armor in this game, and what is there isn't really armor and isn’t exactly good protection. I wanted a bit of a balance between just cloth, but also some armor, as well as a headpiece somewhat like the usual hero's cap. The highwayman's hood works well enough, honestly, and I think it fits in well with the blue cloth vest; plus, I can see it being helpful in keeping dust and whatnot out of his eyes. Blue works well enough with Link nowadays, and I do think the blue cloth vest actually fits Link well enough- I doubt he'd want to wear something like a plate breastplate, so a vest like this is good.
The exile gauntlets I feel work well, they're simple and slim with some decent coverage, and the Carian knight graves not only look great with the blue cloth vest, but are also something that I believe fits Link, and the tall boots are likely decently practical in the same vein as the hood.
His weapons I chose are: The Carian knight's sword, with the pulley bow as a secondary weapon, and the Carian knight's shield in his offhand, with the academy glintstone staff as a secondary.
He obviously had to be the good standard sword-and-shield combo fighter, but I went ahead and gave him with Carian sword and shield partially because they look decently similar to what weapons he normally uses, but also because I enjoy the idea of him dabbling in magic along with typical damage types. The Carian sword does a good bit of magic damage along with standard, and the shield guards again both of those types, and the sword's unique ash of war (Carian Grandeur) is a good mix between swordfighting and magic, and actually really good to use in-game. I feel like they suit him well.
For his secondaries, I had to give him a bow, and I feel like the pulley bow is just right, especially with it's special feature of having increased range. I could see him being the one tasked with deactivating faraway traps and hunting the animals of the Lands Between for materials, and even just luring enemies with some normal arrows.
The academy glintstone staff is a solid staff (and the one I personally use), and him using magic is a good way to translate his usual versatility, though I only limited him to five spells, those being:
Loretta's greatbow, giving him what is technically now a second bow, and a pretty good spell for luring and doing some decent magic damage,
Magma shot, a good, simple fire damage spell,
Glintstone Icecrag, a good ice spell, especially for causing frostbite buildup,
Great glintstone shard, a very basic but reliable spell, and is good when cast a few times in succession,
and Thops' barrier, for deflecting magic attacks, and though I've heard it's a mediocre spell, I could see Link getting the timing down and getting some good usage out of it. I tried giving him a decent range of spells, which is a little bit easier said then done considering the actual spell variety and wanting to pick spell that I think suit Link, but I think this is a good lineup.
For talismans, assuming that all four of them have all four talisman slots open, Link gets the silver scarab, the graven-mass talisman, the erdtree's favor +2, and the companion jar.
The silver scarab, raising item discovery is... perfect for Link. It only feels right that he gets a talisman that makes him more likely to get items off enemies. It definitely works, too, while testing, I got way more items out of the gatefront ruins group than I'd ever seen before.
The graven-mass talisman boosts sorcery power, which is certainly perfect for boosting Link's versatility and magic power, simple and useful.
The erdtree’s favor +2 is just an all-around great talisman to use for the hp, mp, and stamina boost, and it feels perfect as something for Link to use, especially to increase his effectiveness and endurance in battle.
And then the companion jar, which goes hand-in-hand with him also being a pot user to further his versatility, and it’s very easy to see him doing the Jar-Bairn side quest. My choices here disregard how the items are obtained, but I could absolutely see Link going out of his way to interact with Jarburg.
Link’s standard fighter, with a balance between offense and defense and physical and magical damage with a slight leaning towards magical, and the main archer who aims to do more damage with archery, and uses pots when needed. He’s probably the one ‘leading the charge’ in that he’s suited for most situations, but isn’t necessarily the most effective in all-out combat- he is the most defensively oriented, however. He’s likely in the mid-to-light equip range, and likely mostly levels Strength and Intelligence to keep his damage up, and focuses a lot on keeping his Vigor up for a good chunk of health.
Linebeck:

His armor is: the black knife armor, the gauntlets, and bandit boots.
The black knife armor is the most important part of the set, not just for it being a nice blue, but because it has the unique effect of completely silencing your movement sounds- perfect for steal and getting in a good number of sneak attacks. It’s light, too, and so are the generally standard gauntlets and bandit boots, all put together for a general… blue rogue kind of look? It’s practicality and some looks and all put around the idea that he’s going to be sneaking around and panic-rolling out of the enemy’s way- so his defenses are a bit lacking in favor of mobility. I do think it’s a good look overall.
His weapons are: A bloody antspur rapier with the poison mist ash of war, the redbranch shortbow as a secondary weapon, and the frozen needle in the offhand.
For Linebeck's build, it was either daggers or rapiers, and the extra damage, range, and great designs for the rapier won out- and I think rapiers suit him well. This specific pair of rapiers are oriented around inflicting ailments, with the frozen needle inflicting frostbite, and the antspur rapier- specifically with the poison mist ash of war and blood upgrade- can inflict scarlet rot, bloodloss, and poison with poison mist active. With the blood upgrade, the scarlet rot buildup suffers, but with the speed of rapiers and just how effective scarlet rot can be, it's a decent trade-off for the ability to do four ailments at once. His role in the Radahn fight is to inflict scarlet rot and then run off to snipe him with the redbranch shortbow, which is a simple ranged option, and helps with further ailment inflicting with ailment arrows.
His damage would probably be pretty decent, especially considering inflicting frostbite and his equipped talismans, but he's mostly going to be heading in with everyone and sticking around until proccing an ailment, and then backing off, especially if poison, rot, or frostbite are inflicted. Plus I think dual rapiers look great and it's very easy to see Linebeck using rapiers.
For talismans, he gets the gold scarab, the assassin's crimson dagger, the dagger talisman, and the blessed dew talisman.
The gold scarab boost rune acquisition by 20%. It's perfect. It's one of my favorite talismans. I can't make an Elden Ring build for Linebeck and NOT give him the money-boosting talisman.
The assassin's crimson dagger restores hp upon successful critical hits, and paired with the silencing effect of the black knife armor, is perfect for someone who's more used to sneaking around and taking down enemies from behind- and it's good for topping off your hp.
The dagger talisman boosts critical damage- so then making sneak attacks all the more effective, and even making any critical hits he manages in fights do much more damage.
And then the blessed dew talisman gives you a very minuscule constant hp regen, about 2 hp per second iirc. It’s incredibly slow, but it's hp regen all the same, good for saving flask uses and good for some health regeneration if you back out of the main fight.
Linebeck's got a big focus on stealth and ailments, with just a bit of health regen tossed in with the talismans to help with survivability. his weapons and offhand options are mainly based around ailments, and besides the bow, he tends to use darts and other throwable items, and is often the one to pick off enemies at the edge of a group while the others go in to the handle the main group. With bosses, he's in the front lines until an ailment is inflicted, and will jump back in either if he's really needed, or if ailments are needed again. For longer bosses, or bosses immune to a few ailments, he would probably find moments to jump in and get a bunch of quick hits in, then back out and wait for another opening. Rapiers are pretty good for quick hits considering that I believe you actually get three attacks from a dual-rapier sprint attack. He’d likely have a focus on Dexterity and Arcane, with some Endurance mixed in for that good running and rolling stamina.
Damien:

His armor is; the sacred crown helm, exile armor, crucible gauntlets, and drake knight greaves.
Picking armor for Damien was a bit of a challenge since he’s still a bit of a work in progress and I usually picture him in generally casual clothes, but I knew I wanted to stick with some red clothing and put together a bit more of a practical sort of outfit. Plus this end result kind of helps me further figure out Damien’s actual design and outfit variations.
I knew I wanted to give him one of the simple footsoldier helmets, and the sacred crown helm won out with the additional detail of the little vine-looking wreath, plus the minor faith boost. It’s a nice little helmet and I think it suits him. The exile armor was considered due to the red cloth around the shoulders, and was properly decided on when I found that the helmet got rid of the cloth covering the bottom half of the face. So it’s a good solid chest piece.
The crucible gauntlets and drake knight greaves work both with color and giving him some more armored extremities, the crucible gauntlets are pretty good heavy armor gauntlets, if the crucible knights themselves are anything to go by, and the drake knight graves seem to have a good bit of practicality with the high boots and armor. It’s all meant to end up somewhere in the medium equip load area, for a balance between defense and speed, and the lighter helmet and chest piece were primarily to even out with the heavier weapons.
The weapons he gets are: the axe of Godrick, the highland axe as a secondary, and the clawmark seal.
The axe of Godrick is a pretty good greataxe with what selection there is, some good damage and a really good ash of war skill with a really good area of effect. It’s fantastic for crowd control when two-handed, and worked pretty well for me when I tested it out without having upgraded it. It’s all in all a great standard axe. The highland axe as a secondary is used partially as a faster one-hand option, and partially for the boost given by its war cry ash of war. The axe of Godrick is almost always what he’d use, but the highland axe is probably better for some specific situations. Damien was always going to end up using axes, and I think these two are pretty good and fitting.
In his other hand is the clawmark seal- scaling with faith and strength and so working well with him relying on strength, and boosting bestial incantations, of which he has one- and he mostly uses support incantations with some minor attack incantations- but he is primarily support, usually backing out of the fight to switch to casting due to usually two-handing the axe of Godrick. He gets six incantations, those being:
Heal, as a very standard heal, mostly just for himself,
Erdtree heal, a heal more intended for group healing,
Golden vow, a group offense and defense buff for a time,
Protection of the erdtree, for increased non-physical defense, which is likely useful for many bosses,
Bestial sling, which is a pretty basic but effective attack incantation, and boosted by the seal he uses, and is probably great in tandem with his axes to break an enemy's poise,
and then Dragonclaw as his final spell, a stronger and closer-up attack spell, likely for individual bosses that are lower on hp.
His offenses are standard and meant to be pretty decent for crowd control and poise-breaking, so his attack spells follow suite, while his support options are based around healing and some basic buffs. I personally do not use buffs or incantations when I play, so I do not know the nuances of a lot of this stuff, but Damien's got a good set of incantations to use.
Damien's set of talismans are the green turtle talisman, the mottled necklace +1, the axe talisman, and the bull-goat's talisman.
The green turtle talisman is a great talisman, simply increasing the speed of stamina regeneration, and it's a fantastic talisman. Very useful with the stamina drained by axe attacks and backing off to cast spells.
The mottled necklace boosts immunity, robustness, and focus, an across-the-board status boost, and I imagine it's useful for being up close with enemies and then staying alive to help with support- even if he doesn't have much in the way of ailment-based support.
The axe talisman is a damage booster, and considering his decent poise, charged attacks are pretty viable for him to be using.
The bull-goat's talisman is standard but very effective in practice (or maybe that's me being used to low poise), as it raises poise, therefore making it harder for you to flinch or be knocked out of an attack. Very helpful with a slower main weapon like the axe of Godrick.
Damien's standard all around, with pretty good damage and likely very helpful with crowd control, usually two-handing the axe for maximum damage and will back off when using incantations. He primarily uses incantations for support, and the offensive incantations are usually saved for bosses or rougher encounters- or sometimes just if he wants to switch things up for fun. He's likely going to focus on Strength and Faith, with some Mind thrown in for most casts.
Bellum:

His armor is: the altered tree sentinel armor, and the malformed dragon gauntlets and greaves.
Chosen partially for the color and because they're all heavy plate armor; meant to emulate a lot of the phantom designs, and for that yellow color, and I wasn't even aware that the malformed dragon gauntlets had a darker color until I was initially putting this together. Heavy armor fits with a desire to survive in battle, plus I think decent mobility in heavy armor suits Bellum; when I tested this out, I was firmly in medium equip load territory, plus it made for a good bit of poise to go with slower weapons. It wasn't too hard to pick out armor for him.
The weapons I felt suit him are: the blasphemous blade, the Marais executioner's sword, with the gravel stone seal as a secondary.
The blasphemous blade was practically necessary, a greatsword with the bonus effect of hp restoration on enemy death, plus the Taker's Flames skill, which also heals hp when it hits an enemy. This is was made me decide on greatswords over colossal weapons, trying to stick a bit with some ideas from the phantoms, plus the hp-leeching effects, plus it’s a pretty good weapon and I think it originally belonging to Rykard also fits pretty well; it’s Bellum’s main weapon unless he switches to the Marais Executioner’s sword for it’s specific skill. That sword is mostly chosen for it’s skill, as well as it’s origins- those bell-bearing hunters are absolute nightmares to deal with- so the two swords are kind of also picked for a sort of intimidation effect. At least the wriggling flesh on the blasphemous blade does the job well enough if someone doesn’t know the origins (which don’t practically matter). He would likely switch to the executioner’s sword for some boss fights, and its skill can be highly damaging to lone enemies- the focus with these two is on heavy damage and hp regen.
The secondary left hand weapon he has is the gravel stone seal, which boost dragon incantations, and so he only uses offense incantations, with a lot of incantations that cover a wide area and some that inflict ailment buildup. Bellum gets five incantations, all attacks (and all maybe emulating the idea that he’s a monster forced to be human in the lands between lol);
Beast claw, a pretty standard but pretty effective ground-level attack,
Unendurable frenzy, a wide range, fiery madness-inflicting incantation that, while only inflicting madness on a select few enemies (and himself) is likely more than useful for crowds and large enemies,
Rotten breath, a dragon communion incantation that is about what it says on the tin, a dragon’s breath attack that inflicts scarlet rot,
Fortissax’s lightning spear, another dragon incantation that summons a pair of lightning spears, with the damage at it’s best up close,
and Aspects of the crucible: tail, a wide-range crucible incantation, and the most fitting of the crucible incantations, I feel.
He has no issue getting up close to bosses, since he can fall back on the honestly insane hp regen he’s afforded by both his main weapon and some of his talismans.
The talismans Bellum gets are; the taker’s cameo, the dragoncrest greatshield talisman, the pearldrake talisman +2, and the godskin swaddling cloth.
The taker’s token has the same passive effect as the blasphemous blade; hp restoration upon enemy death. The fun part is that the taker’s token and the blasphemous blade’s hp regen effects stack with each other.
The dragoncrest greatshield talisman reduces physical damage by 20%, and the pearldrake talisman +2 reduces non-physical damage by about 11%. Covering just about all defenses with these two talismans.
The godskin swaddling cloth allows for additional minor hp restoration upon landing a certain number of melee hits within a short timeframe. This could be harder with greatswords, but with dual greatswords and jumping right into the action, I don’t imagine it’s at all impossible for the talisman’s effect to never trigger. As always, it’s extra effective with a larger number of enemies.
Bellum’s the main damage-dealer with a focus on staying power and lots of hp regen, using the blasphemous blade for regular battles while switching to the executioner’s sword for bosses due to the more aggressive ash of war. His incantations are more often used for crowd control, but are absolutely effect for boss battles, especially when given time to charge them up. He’s all about staying power and straightforward damage-dealing, with some decent poise to back things up despite his checking piece being altered and his lack of a helmet, and all of his incantations are a bit more bestially-inclined. He'd probably focus on Vigor and Strength, with some Faith or Dexterity thrown in for damage-dealing.
Overall, the idea is that the four of them are in the lands between like this, working and running around together, probably fighting over what bosses to go after next and whether or not to head into the catacombs that one of them just spotted. I could see them taking the time to scour the lands between for every little trinket and discussing whether or not to bother with some character's quest. Not too different from actual post-ph stuff, but it's fun to put them in Elden Ring and think on what kinds of equipment to give them and what would suit them.
#salty talks#elden ring#post-ph#ppl checking out the elden ring tag for normal elden ring stuff disregard this dw abt it i have this tagged for my own organization#of these four linebeck's was the most fun to actually use but its mostly bc its the most similar to my usual build#bellum's was kinda cumbersome but god i hated link's i never want to use a shield i almost died testing out link's#which is fuckin saying something at gatefront ruins at level 218#i didnt test out any of the magic bc. number 1 i have 10 faith. and number two i picked these off fextralife wiki#long post#bellum HAD to use the blasphemous blade its perfect its a big sword that has an hp regen skill and regens hp when you kill something#and has nasty little moving bits of flesh on it. cant see it in the picture ofc but know that in game the red bits wriggle i like it#sorry if the pictures are big btw tbh they look better on mobile#the angle on damien's is awkward bc i wanted to get the whole axe on screen. thats the only reason why his is a little weird#prolly worth mentioning that i didnt alter my stats at all so the 'build' is like the equipment and stuff.#tbh thats probably why my damage with the bellum build suffered bc i have 10 faith and the blasphemous blade scales with faith#anyways listed all equipment and whatnot if anyone wanted the specifics of this stuff#im not great at like. putting together outfits in elden ring i figured out my tarnished's fit early on and stuck with it#theres a very good chance that my own playstyle and experience with the game influenced these like. i do not touch incantations for one#and ive been dual wielding since as soon as i figured it out and got two straight swords#iirc i briefly used rock sling bc you can get that really early but eh#thinking abt it now this also translates pretty well to traditional rpg party roles. standard link with all around decent stats but high#versatility and a lot of options. linebecks more speed and ailment-inflicting based. damien is high standard damage but a much more support#and healing based with a few basic standard damage spells. and bellum is more dedicated offense and defense with a focus on staying power#without any group support or other traits- just high offense high defense#if you wanna know what my tarnished looks like know this is inaccurate bc ive since tweaked her#the hp regen on bellums is wild when i cleared out gatefront like every few seconds id heard the hp steal sound effect it was nuts#no notes on damiens his was was surprisingly easy to get a handle of and is great with crowds#you can probably tell from the way this is written that it took me fucking forever to write up
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HAWK TUAH !
jjk men during a bl0w!e

MULTIPLE X READER
-> GOJO, SUKUNA, CHOSO, GETO, NANAMI, TOJI
cw: bj stuff. cum play (kinda idk) rough characters. dirty talk. degradation. choking
GOJO SATORU AKA HEAD PUSHER
Soooo needy it’s insane. He’s so desperate to feel every inch of your soft warm mouth. he promises to let you do your thing but as soon as you wrap your lips around the tip his hands fly to your head and his hips snap. he’s muttering apologize as he pushes you down until your nose touches his skin. he throws his head back and moans open mouthed like a slut.
he’ll get so caught up in the moment he keep you down there for like 30 seconds just grinding his hips into your mouth. let’s you up when you pinch his thigh. you will be coughing and your face will be covered in spit by the end. he lovess facials and always rubs the cum in using his tip. he keeps a photo of you with his cock on your face and cum in your mouth as his wallpaper.
“s-shit baby… deeper, little more”
“you can take it, i know you can baby”
“just make me feel good okay?”
RYOMEN SUKUNA AKA THROAT DESTROYER
uhm yeah… what did you expect. does not give a shit about you when his cock is in your mouth. keeps you at the edge of the bed with your head hanging off and his fucking your mouth like a fleshlight. goes so deep his cock is showing in your throat. your gags make him want to go another round. plugs your nose when you’re deep throating so you can’t breath.
“until my jaw locks” yeah he took that as a challenge. loves tying you up with a low vibrator on your clit while he fucks that mouth as torture. you honestly don’t know if you love it or hate it. Sukuna loves it though, that’s for sure. cums deep in your throat, every time. will face fuck you again if he sees you didn’t swallow it all.
“fuck gag on that dick, bitch”
“i can see my cock in your throat! but who’s surprised?”
“you better swallow my seed… it’ll probably reach your stomach with how deep i am”
CHOSO KAMO AKA WHINY B!TCH
again, who’s surprised. he thought handjobs were great… but this? whole different level. you start but sucking on the tip until he’s sensitive. then you lick stripes up and down his veins. you use soo much spit and he loves it. he loves it when you press kisses to his cock and then deep throat it.
hes mesmerized by the way your head moves, the way your lips look. he has to force himself to not throw his head back so he can see you. one time he got ahead of himself and snapped his hips up and you choked on him, best day of his life. when he found out your throat felt like that? no going back. he begs you to deep throat him all the time.
“more… more more more. please baby!”
“remember how good i eat you out? please treat me good”
“i know it’s too deep! im sorry i can’t stop baby”
SUGURU GETO AKA NICE N SLOW
just into good old fashioned blowjobs. your hand kept at the base and your lips move up and down his shaft. he wants your tongue swirling over it like a lollipop. he brushes your hair out of your face to see your expressions. he’s so gentle and nice when it comes to blowjobs.
let’s you grind on his leg while you suck him off. mostly uses it as foreplay and not a main way to get off. likes for your spit to act as lube for him to slide in. if he was gonna cum from a bj it would be on your tits. he loves that.
“fuck keep that up and i’ll cum”
“let it get hard in your mouth… that’s right”
“don’t give me those innocent eyes, slut”
NANAMI KENTO AKA UNDER THE DESK
oh you’ll support your working man, from under the desk. he’s so stressed about work these days and you have just the solution! you showed up to his home office in skimpy lingerie and without saying a word you crawl under his desk and get to work. he gets so flustered so fast, blushing and stuttering about how his report is due.
grips the chair so tight when you start working your magic. he doesn’t want to thrust up because he knows he’ll bruise your throat. uses his belt to wrap around your neck and guide you instead. pulls your hair an insane amount. cums in your mouth but likes to watch it pour out onto your body.
“i’m working baby… you’ll get me too distracted”
“wrap that belt around your neck, be a good assistant”
“is this you saying thank you for being my sugar daddy?”
TOJI FUSHIGURO AKA TWO HANDS
he’s so big you need to use your hands or else he might pop out on the other side of your neck. you’re moving your hands and your mouth at a similar pace. he definitely teaches you how he wants it. he guides your head to a good rhythm and then lets you do your thing.
maybe he’ll have a cigarette hanging out his mouth when you suck it. blowing smoke in your face to tease you. definitely makes fun of the fact that you can’t take all of him. your jaw has to be open so wide to get him in. cums everywhere, your face, throat, tits. doesn’t matter, if it’s you he’ll cum there.
“don’t just move your hands up and down baby, turn em”
“your face looks so fucking small next to my dick!”
“c’mon, try harder to take it or else i’ll force you to”
#gojo satoru#gojo satoru x reader#gojo x reader#jjk#jujustu kaisen#jjk x reader#jujutsu kaisen smut#jujutsu kaisen x reader#toji x reader smut#toji x reader#toji smut#gojo smut#geto smut#geto x reader#geto suguru x reader#nanami smut#nanami x reader#nanami kento x reader#choso kamo x reader#choso x reader#choso smut#sukuna#sukuna x reader#sukuna smut#sukuna ryoumen x reader
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the lab tech training me said awesomesauce sixteen times today btw. yeah I counted
#she says it completely unironically its actually kinda cute. I like when ppl have a set phrasebook of neutral/affirmative responses#but its also very funny to me... carbon dating her age based off that#im training to replace her bc she leaves in 2 weeks 😥😢 they pulled me on pretty short notice so we're cramming important stuff#its kinda scary to think ill be in the lab without her in ONLY two weeks.... ik the other techs will chip in and train me in other stuff#but im like a freshly hatched duckling ive imprinted on her..... also theres literally only 3 ppl in my lab team so when she leaves itll-#just be me and my manager.... actually basically just me in the food lab bc she mostly works from her desk doing higher up stuff#and yeah there are always other ppl in the main lab and ill be in and out of there all the time too but still......#it feels like a weird amt of responsibility considering ill have only been there three weeks 😰 but its ok theyre rly supportive#ahhhh..#.diaries
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I hope you know that literally nobody is going to be able to live up to the standard you, V*v, and Glitch have set and your arrogance and exploitation of your fanbase and connections has screwed millions of creatives out of their dreams because Hollywood is a joke that isn't worth telling and wealthy e-celebs like yourself have claimed the indie scene all to yourselves and moved the goalposts into the stratosphere.
Nope. This isn't a zero sum game. There is not some limited, prescribed number of indie trophy slots that a few studios greedily filled up, blocking everyone else out. That is not how it works. Nothing any other creator is doing - short of personally sending hired goons to your doorstep or stealing your credit cards - is taking anything away from you or preventing your success. In fact if an indie creator can manage to demonstrate that they've got something viable going, it may help to map out a pathway for others.
I think I'm not going to bother trying to address whether or not cartoons in return for support from fans - an entirely voluntary exchange - constitutes exploitation. And I'm living in the Midwest driving a 2007 economy car with 200k+ miles on it, but let's just skip past the assumptions that I'm wealthy and connected too.
Instead, let's get to the weirdly myopic notion that the indie scene is held captive by three studios. Maybe YouTube algorithms or Twitter bubbles are somewhat to blame, but in actuality there are so, so many individual people, friend groups, and small production houses out there making independent animation, I cannot possibly name them all.
Here are some anyway:
Far-Fetched Worthikids Satina | Scumhouse Noodle and Bun Punch Punch Forever Ramshackle Noodle Papajoolia | Pipi Angel Hare | The East Patch Jonni Peppers Salad Fingers Monkey Wrench Studio Heartbreak Felix Colgrave JelloApocalypse Odd1sout (started indie, got picked up by Netflix) Allie Mehner JaidenAnimations Lumi and the Great Big Galaxy Cloudrise | The Worlds Divide Telepurte RubberRoss James Lee ENA Godspeed | Olan Rogers Ollie and Scoops Meat Canyon Port by the Sea Kekeflipnote Boxtown Kevin Temmer Weebl Joel Haver CircleToons Long Gone Gulch Atlas and the Stars Animist Skibidi Toilet A Fox in Space Alex Henderson Talon Toniko Pantoja Sr. Pelo Hullabaloo Kane Pixels (started indie, picked up by A24) Homestar Runner Fennah Gods' School Alan Becker Dungeon Flippers JazLyte Psychicpebbles (started indie, Smiling Friends picked up by AS) Piemations vewn Metal Family Dead Sound chluaid Jacknjellify Betsy Lee | No Evil My Pride Cranbersher GeoExe | Gwain Saga Horatio the Vampire Mech West Playground | Rodrigo Sousa The Brave Locomotive Finchwing (+ many other Warrior Cats animators) Quazies SamBakZa Kamikaze: Trial by Fire
By no means a full list. That's just YouTube, and mostly just English language stuff, and I didn't even get to the multitudes of Warrior Cats animation collabs.
The point is, the indie landscape is vast and populated by creators new and old, making all kinds of animated media from skits, to shows, to ARGs, to films. Audience sizes vary as much as the content, stylistic approaches, subject matter, and budgets do. There are no compliance standards, no gateways to entry, no goalposts. There's not even any preset definition of success except what you decide for yourself.
Anyway, instead of nurturing your resentments, consider making something. I assure you, it's a far more rewarding use of your time and energy, and pretty much no one can stop you. ------------- EDIT- Made some additions to the list based on comments. Thanks!
#lackadaisy#lackadaisycats#animation#indie animation#this is not a list of moral endorsements#please don't come at me with your internet dramas
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Cherry Red, Crimson Blood
Chapter 36: To The Sea
Summary: It's time to move on. You're not sure where you're going exactly, but anywhere is better than Texas
Pairing: Poly 141 x reader
Word Count: 7,811 words
Warnings: ANGST, injuries, medical stuff, descriptions of pain and injuries, brief discussion about strangulation, mentions of PTSD and nightmares, so much crying, Alpha/Beta/Omega dynamics, Alternate Universe, angst, a very little sprinkle of comfort, language, mentions of medications, still very heavy emotionally
A/N: Not actually a lot of warnings for this one. It's a lot of dialogue and inner monologues. Not a lot happens, just mostly setting the scene for the next chunk of the story. Bring tissues though, the last part of the chapter emotionally wrecked me but also might be the best thing I've ever written.
11/30/24: **This Chapter has been edited and rewritten from its original version**
MASTERLIST | <- Previous | Next ->
It’s warm outside.
Not even the shade from the building can completely shield you from the dome of heat that seems to surround the base. It seeps into the concrete and asphalt that lock it into place, trapping everyone in a bubble that may as well be an oven. It’s always hot in Texas, though. You hate it. You’ve been spoiled by the cold, rainy seasons in England. You’d gladly take that over Texas.
You’d take anything over Texas.
The heat prickles at your skin, your arm starting to get sweaty in the sling. It had been Dr. Keller’s idea to keep your shoulder as still as possible so you don’t continue to cause yourself pain when you move. It still hurts, but at least you won’t instinctively try to use your left arm now.
Despite the warmth, there’s still a chill deep in your bones. The warmth of the pain medicine has worn off and you’ve been left with the perpetual ice that has seemed to coat your insides. Dr. Keller says it's the stress giving you a fever. Every nightmare, every flashback sends your body temperature spiking, your heart beating right out of your chest. You’re not out of the woods yet. It can take a long time to recover from that level of distress and the omega taking over. You almost regret it, but there was no guarantee you would have lived either way at that time. You did what you had to do, and it did work out in the end.
But at what cost?
Dr. Keller’s phone buzzes in her pocket and she pulls it out, staring down at the screen for a moment. “Kyle wants to come by.”
You don’t want to see him. You don’t want to see any of them.
“I think you should see him. Even if it’s just for a moment.” She squeezes your hand. “I’ll be right here.”
It’s a predicament. Dr. Keller supports your decision to keep them away, putting some distance between all of you for the time being. Yet, she also says being close to your pack will help your healing. Having your pack around will help your omega settle once again. She needs that safety, that security before she finally lets go completely.
You don’t want to be close to them, but you may not have any other choice.
You sit there in silence, picking at the fabric of your sweatpants as you wait for Kyle’s arrival. Sweat has started to bead on your back, the day only getting warmer and warmer as the sun moves higher in the sky. You want to go back inside, back into the cool air conditioned building. You want to crawl back onto the hospital bed and lay there for the next few hours.
You can’t.
Footsteps approach, but you don’t look up. You know who it is. You don’t want to see him.
“Kyle.” Dr. Keller greets.
“Christine.” He says back. It still throws you off, hearing Dr. Keller's first name. She'll always be Dr. Keller to you. Kyle turns his attention to you, still standing a few steps from the bench you're perched on. “Hi, love.” He says. The affectionate nickname almost makes you wince. You don't look up at him. You don’t want to see his face. “I wanted to stop by and see how you’re doing.”
You don't move, don't give an answer. You don't have an answer to give anyway. You shouldn't have to give an answer.
He lowers himself onto the bench, sitting as far away from you as he can. “It’s hot today.” He says, adjusting his hat. Always wearing a hat. Maybe that's why he and Price work so well together.
He stares at you for a long moment but you don't bother moving, your gaze still on your sweatpants. They're starting to get a bit warm, even with your perpetual chill.
“I’m not here to apologize.” He says, breaking the silence. “You’ve probably heard enough apologies to last you a lifetime.” He shakes his head. “Words can’t fix what we did. Nothing can fix what we did. All we can do is give you what you need, try and make you as comfortable as possible.”
Tears burn your eyes as you listen to him. He's not wrong, an apology won't fix what happened. No words will ever be able to fix what they put you through. You're not sure there's anything they could do that would make up for it. An apology still would have been nice, despite the fact you know how guilty he is. Their avoidance of you, their willingness to give you such space in an unknown place just proves how guilty they all are.
That doesn't make things hurt any less.
You slowly turn away from Kyle, angling yourself towards Dr. Keller.
He doesn't say anything further in that regard, taking your movement as an answer to his non-apology. He leans forward instead, resting his elbows on his knees. “I just wanted to let you know that we’re getting ready to leave soon. We’ll be heading somewhere safe, somewhere quiet and secluded. I think you’ll like it.”
Dr. Keller had informed you of that earlier after she went to speak to them. They've decided what to do, what's best for the pack again. You might have protested, except for the fact it meant you were getting to leave Texas. Where exactly they're taking you, you're not sure. You just know it's not Texas.
“I want you to know that we’re here if you need us.” He stares at you for a moment longer before pushing himself up to stand.
If, not when.
Maybe they're finally getting the message.
Dr. Keller stands, touching your right shoulder gently before she steps away with Kyle, speaking quietly with him, but you can still hear every word in the nearly silent space around you.
“In an attempt to remain a neutral, professional party in this situation, I feel it would be appropriate for me to tell you not to beat yourself up too much about this.” Dr. Keller says. “The unprofessional side of me has many words I’d like to say to all of you.” She clears her throat. “That being said, on a positive note I can say you’re all doing the right thing for once, prioritizing your omega and fulfilling her needs, even if her needs require you to leave her alone for now. I know it’s hard, I know every instinct is screaming at you to help her, but just take comfort in knowing you are helping her. You’re doing the best thing you can do for her at this time.” Dr. Keller puts a hand on his arm, squeezing it gently. “Even if it is tearing you up inside.”
“Thanks, Doc.” He says.
“I’ll see you soon.” She says, patting his arm before she heads back towards your bench.
You turn your head just slightly, not missing the way Gaz lingers for a brief moment before he turns his back on you, walking back down the sidewalk.

It hurts.
You want to cry with every swallow. No matter how much you chew, it doesn’t ease the pain of trying to swallow solid food. Even the worst sore throat you’ve ever had pales in comparison to this pain. Tears burn in your eyes as you eat, unable to refuse this time in favor of choking down some liquid nutrients. Even liquids make your throat ache, but they are easy to chug to get it over with at once.
This feels like torture.
Dr. Keller looks guilty as she spoon-feeds you the soup. Chicken noodle, something simple and easy but still something with some substance. It makes you think back to when you were sick as a child, your mother dutifully feeding you homemade chicken noodle soup until you reached the age you could feed yourself.
You do feel like a child again, unable to even hold the spoon. Well, you could hold it, but it would have come at the expense of some burns from how badly your hand was shaking.
So instead you sit here, being spoon-fed soup you can barely stand eating.
“I know.” She says as a tear finally falls, your inhale shaky from the ache in your throat. “You need something in your system for the sedative. It’s a long flight and you’ll be sick when you wake up if you don’t have anything in your stomach. That’s going to hurt a lot worse than eating now.”
Yeah. You’ve already figured that out.
“Strangulation is a tough thing to survive.” She says, dragging the bottom of the spoon against the edge of the bowl to wipe off any soup that might drip on you. “Then again, so is getting shot, and distressing to the point of your omega taking over.” She holds the spoon up to your lips, and you’re tempted to refuse. “You’ve survived a lot, more than most could. And to look this good after...”
You blink up at her, teary eyed and sickly looking, exhausted and bruised. Your left eye is still almost swollen shut, and your hair is tangled perhaps beyond saving, tied up in a bun at the top of your head. All just reminders of what you survived, all reminders of what happened to you. Of what was allowed to happen to you.
You’re not quite sure when the last time you had a real shower was either.
“I know.” She says, spooning more soup into your mouth. “You might not feel like it, right now.”
“I want a shower.” You say, your voice still hoarse and cracking through your throat. A real shower might solve a lot of problems for you right now. It won’t fix much, but being truly clean would make a lot of things feel better.
“I wholeheartedly agree.” Dr. Keller says.
You give her a look. You don't smell that bad. She should know, she’s the one that cleaned the blood off of you and the one who gave you the sponge bath this morning.
She gives you a look back. “I meant it would be nice to take a real shower. Once we get where we’re going, we can work on the logistics of a shower.”
Right. You can’t exactly stand for a long time on your own, not to mention the problem of only being able to use one arm without bringing blinding pain upon yourself. That’s where the pack would come in handy.
The thought of one of them seeing you vulnerable like that, putting their hands on you right now makes your skin crawl.
A shiver runs down your spine, your body shuddering uncontrollably. You grunt as your shoulder screams in pain, another electric jolt burning straight through your nerves and down through your feet. Fuck. You mouth the word, squeezing your eyes shut. It makes your stomach churn, the soup starting to burn a path back up through your esophagus.
“Breathe for me.” Dr. Keller says, putting a gentle hand on your right shoulder.
In and out. You focus on your breath, the only thing you can do without feeling like you’re going to go insane from the pain. It’s all you can do in this situation. It’s the only thing you can do at all. Breathe. Just keep breathing.
Sometimes you don’t want to.
The pain passes as it always does, leaving behind a subtle ache that will linger until the next flare of pain. It’s a constant, never-ending cycle that you can’t escape from. Weeks, Dr. Keller had said. It can take weeks to heal. You’ll be stuck in this cycle for weeks and weeks. What if it never heals? That is a possibility. It’s always a risk with any injury.
What if the rest of your life is like this?
You’re crying again, hot tears blazing a path down your cheeks. They won’t stop, they never stop. There’s a constant stream down your face, even in your sleep. You’ve woken to find your face and neck damp from the never ceasing flood of tears.
How you can’t wait for the time to come when you have none left.
You’d welcome the numbness at this point, greet it like an old friend and invite it in for tea. Anything over the pain and tears that won’t stop. The depression-fueled numbness that had filled you when Price and Gaz left, then Soap and Ghost would be a welcome relief at this point. Anything would be better than the pain.
You almost wish you were in a coma right now. Then you wouldn’t feel anything at all.
Dr. Keller puts the spoon back into the soup bowl before rolling the table to the side. She puts a hand on your head, gently stroking your hair as you cry. The room is silent aside from your sniffles, Dr. Keller not having to say a single word. The silence is almost a blessing. You’re tired of hearing words, of hearing people speak. There’s nothing anyone can say that will do anything to help you, to comfort you, to make it better.
There’s nothing anyone can do to make it better.
You’re so tired of being like this.

The sedative is kicking in before you even reach the airfield. She can see the way your head is drooping further and further forward in the car, your body jostling without any complaint. It had started kicking in before you even got into the car, as you offered very little resistance when Kyle helped her mauver you into the front seat. She chose Kyle out of everyone to help her in hopes it would be easiest on you. Your claimed alpha’s beta is a good place to start in rebuilding the bonds within the pack, and his calm demeanor certainly helps. He is a caretaker through and through, that beta trait prominent above the others in him. He would have made a good medic, had he gone that route.
Your chin drops to your chest as the car comes to a stop in front of the plane, your body slumping to the side against the door.
“She’s out.” Christine says, unbuckling her seatbelt.
“Makes this easier.” Kyle says, getting out of the car.
They maneuver you into the wheelchair, Christine easing your head onto your right shoulder to avoid aggravating the left. The less pain you’re in when you come out of it, the better, though pain will be unavoidable. Kyle pushes the wheelchair up the ramp of the plane, Christine following close behind. She’s glad she gave you the sedative before you left the med center to avoid as much pain as possible. She almost wishes she had given it to you earlier, as getting you into a sweatshirt had been a battle of its own. Though, the longer it stays in your system, the longer you’ll sleep through the flight. The longer you sleep through the flight, the longer they can delay the inevitable emotional storm of being enclosed in a tight space with your pack.
If you’re lucky, you’ll be out of it long enough for them to reach the cottage without incident.
John is waiting near the front of the aircraft, his eyes watching carefully as Kyle helps maneuver you into a seat. Even with the turmoil in the pack bonds, an alpha will always feel protective over their omega. There’s some things that can’t be undone, even in such a fragile state. Some instincts can’t be unlearned, no matter what.
“I gave her a sedative.” Christine explains as she gets you as comfortable as possible in the seat. “It won’t last the whole flight, but it’ll take a while to wear off regardless.”
“Is that more for her or for us?” John asks.
“Both.” Christine says. “Mostly for her. It helps with the pain of moving around, but it will also keep her calm in close quarters like this.”
“Here.” John says, handing her something. It’s a blanket, brand new by the feel of it. “Johnny made a store run this morning. It’s going to get cold in here, so he got the warmest one he could find.”
Christine takes the blanket, the fabric thick and soft in her hands. It’s a touching gesture, speaking volumes of their desire to still care for you despite everything, their willingness to do what they have to, to keep the pack together. “Perfect.” She says, carefully draping it over you and tucking it around you before John gets you secured in the seat.
“It’s going to be a long flight.” John says, taking a step back.
“It is.” Christine says, pulling out her thermometer. She takes your temperature, letting out a hum at the number that pops up on screen. “I need to monitor her temperature.” She explains as John gives her a look. “It’s been spiking when she gets stressed.”
“She's not quite out of it yet, is she?” John asks.
“Not quite.” She says, putting the thermometer back in her bag. “I’ve only seen two omegas successfully come back from that point, and I know the number across the board isn’t very high. It takes a long time for the body and the brain to get back to normal.”
“And on top of everything that happened...”
She stares up at him for a long moment. “She’s very strong. I knew she was a fighter, but to come out the other side even where she is now...” Christine shakes her head. “I didn’t want to say this at the time, but I was expecting the worst. When that call came in about what state she was in...” She bites her lip, holding the emotions back. “Her resilience and fortitude is what kept her alive. That and Simon’s courage to do what needed to be done.”
“I know.” John says, looking past her. “We all owe a lot to him.”
Christine puts a gentle hand on his arm. “You’re doing what’s best for her. No matter how much it hurts, no matter how much it goes against every instinct you have, it’s what she needs.”
“That’s all that matters to us right now.” John says, staring down at her hand for a moment. “There’s nothing else we can do, so it’s time we start putting our priorities where they should have been the whole time.”
Christine gives him a small smile. “I’m proud of you for that. It takes a lot to unlearn the things you’ve been told since the beginning.”
The corner of John’s lips twitch before his face falls into the emotionless mask he’s been wearing for the last few days. “It’s about time we get our heads out of our arses.”
“I can’t blame you totally.” She shrugs. “We were all just doing what the initiative was telling us to do. We couldn’t have known. There wasn’t any room to question it.”
“I wish we would have figured it out sooner.” He sighs.
“Things might have been worse if the truth did come out sooner. If you started digging into the initiative too soon, Shepherd might have gotten antsy and taken more drastic measures to stop the truth from coming out entirely.” She glances down at you. “I think this was all inevitable.” She turns her gaze back to John. “What happened, happened. None of us can change that. All we can do is keep moving forward with what we have right now.”
He stares at her for a long moment. “The more time passes, the more I’ve come to realize why Kate chose you for this position.”
The corner of her lips turns up in a smile. “Well, I am rather good at my job, which, among other things, involves advocating on behalf of omegas.”
John huffs. “Wish we would have listened sooner.”
“You can’t change the past.” She repeats, looking down at you again. “But you can change the future.”

You woke from your sedation about four hours from Helston.
Well, ’woke’ might have been too strong of a word for it. Your eyes opened, but you were still hazy, movements sluggish and entirely unaware of the world around you. You floated between sleep and awareness for an hour before finally gaining consciousness completely. Awareness took quite a while to return, though. Not until they were moving you to the car from the plane.
Even still you’re groggy, slumped against the door in the back seat of the car. You blink slowly, eyes unfocused as you stare out the window at the blur of green passing by.
“How is she?” John asks from the driver's seat, glancing up at the rearview mirror.
“Cow.” You say, blinking slowly as the car passes a field of cows.
“Still out of it.” Christine answers from the back seat where she's sitting next to you. Your response might have been enough to answer that. “Better than being in pain, though.”
“How long will it take for her to get out of it?” Kyle asks.
“Hopefully she’ll be more lucid by the time we get there, but it could take a few hours for it to completely wear off.” Christine says, wiping a bit of drool from your chin. “Probably not a bad thing. This is a big change, and with everything that’s happened, it’s going to take some time to settle in.”
“Things are going to be rough.” Kyle says.
“Yes.” She agrees. “Being enclosed in a small space with the people you want to see the least in the world isn’t an ideal situation. It’ll be an adjustment for everyone. I trust all of your abilities to adapt, though. Just don't go in expecting things to be the way they were.”
John's hands tighten around the steering wheel, his knuckles going white. Kyle cracks his window open, prepared for the thickening of John's scent in the air. Christine knows she hit a nerve, but it needed to be said. Even if you were open to forgiveness right now, even if they had chosen to go after you right away, things still wouldn't be the same. Things won't ever be the same. It is their fault deep at the root of it. Those cameras were put up because of them, you were taken because of them. You were chosen for the “initiative” because of them, because Kate thought you'd fit in well with them. Their decisions shaped your life, and will continue to shape your life.
Can you ever come to forgive them? Christine likes to think so. She has the hope that they can put in the work and regain your trust and earn eventual forgiveness. She knows you'll allow them to try once the initial hurt and emotions begin to fade, once the two of you put in enough work to start processing the trauma around the events that happened. It will take time. Probably a long time.
She'll be there every step of the way.
“Ashley did some shopping for us, picked up some stuff to get us until we can get into town.” Kyle says, looking at his phone.
“Good.” John says, his shoulders starting to relax. “Should wait a couple days before going. Get settled in.”
“She's still working on cleaning up. Probably still be there when we get there.” Kyle says, putting his phone back in his pocket.
“That's fine. We’ll probably have to utilize her a bit.”
“Doubt she'll complain.” Kyle says, looking out the window. “Be thrilled to have something to do besides work.”
You let out a quiet groan, shifting against the door. “Hurts.”
“I know, honey.” Christine says, carefully adjusting your left arm. “I’ll give you more pain meds once we get to the cottage.”
“We’ll be there in half an hour.” John says, glancing up at the rearview mirror again before turning his eyes back to the road.
The half hour seems to take the longest as you continue to become more and more lucid and aware. The pain sets in first, your brain picking up on those signals before anything else. John’s knuckles are white around the steering wheel as you begin to whine and whimper around every bend in the road and turn he has to make, every jostle of the car. Every instinct in his body tells him to pull over and comfort you, but he can’t. It’s more important to get to the cottage, and there’s no guarantee you’d even let him. It might make things worse.
The last thing you need right now is for things to get worse.
Christine breathes a sigh of relief as they pull up to the cottage, glad she can finally get you somewhere more comfortable. You’ve been in far too many uncomfortable positions today, moved around too much. She would have liked to keep you in Texas a couple more days, but she knew as soon as you were able to travel, the better. The sooner they could get off the grid, the better.
The sooner they could get out of Texas, the better.
Kyle is getting the wheelchair out of the trunk when Johnny and Simon pull up, not having been far behind. They likely took a turn around the back roads to ensure no one was following and to keep things from looking too suspicious.
Christine keeps you from slumping out of the car as she carefully opens the door on your side. You’re more awake than you were, blinking up at her with almost startlingly aware eyes.
“Crutch.” You pout when she pulls the wheelchair closer.
She gives you a look. “Honey I'm not sure you could even stand right now.” You may be more aware, but that doesn’t mean your body is working as it should.
You let out a defiant noise as you attempt to get your legs out of the car, trying to hide your grunts of pain and discomfort.
She's tempted to stand there and let you try, but she knows all hell will break loose if she lets you fall. She's not willing to take that risk, not to mention it will cause you more pain to get you up off the ground.
“Come on,” She says, stopping you before you can get your feet under you. “Nice and slow.”
You let out a quiet growl of indignation but you allow her to help you, your legs trembling as she eases you up. Kyle is there with the wheelchair, getting it as close to you as possible so she can sit you down quickly.
“Ow.” You breathe, eyes pinched closed as you breathe through the pain.
“I know.” She says, patting your good shoulder lightly. She's glad she put you in the sweatshirt before you left Texas. It's chilly outside, chillier than it was further inland a few days ago.
It's hard to believe it's only been a few days since you were taken. Barely even a week. So much happened in such a short period of time. It feels like it’s been weeks since everything started, but then again, it had been weeks since John and Kyle first left. It had been weeks since you had been around your whole pack together by the time you were taken. The deep depression you sunk into before the events of the last week had been draining you slowly for weeks before this. It had started before John and Kyle were deployed, back to that day when you revealed the cameras and the secret you had been hiding from them.
How long you’ve gone in such turmoil.
How far you still have to go.
The path up to the door is rocky and uneven, the wheelchair jostling as she pushes it up towards the door. She can picture your face, the way it has to be screwed up in pain. You're silent though, holding it all in. She almost wishes you weren't being silent about it.
The door is already open, light shining from inside as she approaches. Kyle is in the house already, having gone ahead to greet his sister. John is right behind the two of you as Christine turns to wheel you up the steps into the house. His eyes are on you, focused and ready should you fall.
Christine would never let you fall, and from the way your hand is gripping the arm of the chair for dear life, you probably couldn't anyway.
She wheels you through the entryway, the inside warmer thanks to a fire that's burning. It's a nice cottage, far nicer than she had been expecting judging from the outside.
Johnny lets out a low whistle as he enters behind John, looking around. “Yer parents own this?”
“It was given to our mum by our grandparents. They did some...renovations before they passed it on.” Kyle says.
“Yer tellin’ me.” Johnny says.
It looks new inside. New wood floors, freshly painted walls. The furniture looks like she would expect to find in an English seaside cottage, though. Kyle’s parents went to France for summer vacation instead of utilizing the cottage, and none of his siblings had wanted to use it, he told them. It looks almost perfect, like it came right out of a home renovation show. Kyle’s sister must have worked some sort of magic to get it this clean.
It is a very nice cottage. It’s small, the door opening right to the main area. There’s two couches and a chair in the middle of the room around a coffee table. To the left of the couches is a fireplace, the fire already lit and crackling. It looks original, likely having been untouched in the renovations. There’s a door to the left of the fireplace closer to the main entryway. A bedroom maybe? To the right of the front door are two doors, one on the far wall and one facing the front door.
The stairs are in the middle of the house, leading up to the second floor where there’s likely more bedrooms. On the far side of the main area is the dining area and beyond that is a sliding glass door. Around the corner on the far side of the stairs is likely the kitchen. She can see the fridge from where she’s standing. It’s new. Very new. Makes her wonder just how long ago it had been renovated.
“Everyone, this is my sister Ashley.” Kyle says, introducing the other woman in the room.
“Hello,” she says, giving everyone a wave and a dazzling smile.
She’s dressed simply in jeans and a t-shirt, her medium box braids pulled up into a bun on top of her head. They look a lot alike, her and Kyle. Tall and slender and stunning. They have the same smile and the same soft brown eyes. She's wearing scent blockers, but Christine can imagine her having a soft scent like lavender or something fresh like mint.
“There's two rooms down here, and two upstairs.” Kyle says. “The main bedroom is through there.” He points towards a door to their left. “I figure we'll give that to our omega. The bathroom in there has a walk-in shower.”
“Perfect.” Christine says. That will make getting you in and out of the shower easier at least, and you won’t have to go far to use the bathroom.
“You should take the other room down here.” John says, looking at Christine. “So you can be close in case of an emergency.”
And so you don't have to be too close to them, so you won’t feel like they’re hovering.
He doesn't have to say that part out loud.
“I put new sheets on all the beds.” Ashley says. “I also picked up everything Kyle sent on the list. Food, some clothes, some other necessities.”
You let out a quiet groan, Christine patting your head gently. You have to be exhausted and sore after the day. She should give you another dose of pain medicine like she said she would. You’re going to need it tonight.
“Let's get you laying down for a bit.” She says, wheeling you towards the door.
Kyle opens it for her, revealing a spacious room with a big window looking out towards the sea. You're going to spend a lot of time in front of that window, she thinks. The bed is in the middle of the room, and there’s two chairs facing the window. She’s almost tempted to sit you in one of the chairs, but laying down will be more comfortable for you right now.
You're still too out of it now to care much as she wheels you to the double bed. With Kyle's help they get you horizontal, Christine draping the blanket at the end of the bed over you. It’s not very soft, but it will do for now. She’ll have to get the guys to pick up some soft blankets for you when they go to town. She has a whole list of things starting in her head she needs them to pick up.
She leans your crutch against the end of the bed just in case you might need it for an emergency. She hopes you’ll yell first, but you always have been stubborn. Being mostly bed-bound has only made that worse.
“I’m going to go look through the things Ashley picked up.” She says, patting your leg gently. “Get some rest.”
Christine leaves the door open a crack as she exits, wanting to give you a little privacy as you nap, or at least she hopes you’ll nap. It’s going to be a rough adjustment, and you’re going to need as much rest as you can get.
“I’m assuming you’re Christine.” Ashley says, walking up to her.
“I am.” She says, giving Ashley a smile.
She can’t help but get lost in Ashley’s soft gaze for a moment. The Garrick siblings seem to share the same magnetic energy. There’s something almost ethereal about them. She could easily imagine them with glowing halos and angel wings. It’s almost like she’s being blessed with the opportunity to look upon her. She could spend an hour staring at Ashley’s face and not grow tired of looking at her.
“I picked up the items Kyle said you needed.” She says, motioning to the bags on the coffee table, pulling Christine out of her daze. “I couldn’t find the exact nutrient powder you asked for, so I got one that was as close as I could find.”
Christine glances through the bags. She was thorough, getting at least two of everything.
“I got warmer clothes for her too, since it can get chilly out here this time of year. Just some simple things for now until you guys get into town.” Ashley says. “I did some research too and I read that omegas like comforting things so I picked up some extra blankets and pillows” Ashley says, motioning to a couple bags sitting on the couch. “I also picked up this,” She pulls a stuffed dog from one of the bags, holding it up. “It was the softest one I could find. I thought it might help.”
A small smile forms on Christine’s face, her heart fluttering in her chest from the sweet, thoughtful gesture. Ashley doesn’t even know you, nor did she know exactly what happened to you, and yet she went so far as to pick up some comfort items for you. You have nothing right now, only the borrowed clothes on your back. All of your belongings are still on base, all of the things that you had built to make your perfect nest. Would you want any of them still? Or have they been tainted by the events of the last few weeks?
That Ashley thought to do this has warmth flooding Christine’s body. You can have some comfort now without having to wait for their trip to town. She almost feels the urge to cry. She wants to hug Ashley, thank her over and over for her kindness. Ashley has no idea how much her small act of kindness means, how much it's going to mean.
A smile forms on Christine’s face as she stares at the stuffed dog. “It’s perfect.”

You can hear it.
In the distance, the quiet roar reaches your ears as you’re dragged from the sweet arms of sleep. It must be a dream, or perhaps the sedative is still clinging to your mind, making you imagine things.
No.
You’d know that sound anywhere.
The effort to push yourself up to sit is a momentous one, every cell in your body protesting after a day of being moved and jostled. The last thing you want is to move right now, but you have to.
The pain meds have done little to help.
The crutch at the end of your bed must be a thousand miles away as you sit there and stare at it. The ache in your body only increases as you become more and more aware of the pain, almost as if it can tell what it is your mind is planning.
The door is cracked open, letting in a slit of light from outside. It’s dark in the room, the curtains pulled over the window. It’s a blessing compared to the bright yellow light outside the door. You welcome the darkness as your head begins to throb. You could call for assistance. You’d get more help than you needed. More help than you want.
No.
You need to do this.
The effort it takes to get standing nearly sends you back onto the bed. The pain nearly blinds you as your feet touch the floor, your body leaning against the side of the mattress out of desperation. If you fall, you’ll never be alone again. You can’t afford that. You don’t want that.
If you fall, you’ll never get up again.
The breaths out of your nose are short and sharp as you reach for the crutch, fingers trembling in the effort to fight the pain threatening to blind you. You’re trembling like a leaf in a storm as your fingers finally wrap around the cool metal. The rubber bottom drags across the floor as you tug it over to you, holding it against your chest for a moment.
Breathe. That’s what you need to do. Breathe.
In and out.
Nice and slow.
The pain is only a memory. The pain is nothing. The memories forming at the edges of your mind will take over and wipe out the pain and the misery. You just have to be sure. You just have to be certain.
You push yourself upright using the crutch, tucking it under your arm. You should go back to bed. You should rest.
No.
You need to know.
You need to be certain.
The first step you take nearly makes you sick.
It’s like watching a baby deer walk for the first time, knees wobbling, feet shaking. You lean heavily on the crutch, your determination the only thing keeping you from tumbling to the floor in a heap. That might almost hurt worse than forcing yourself to stand upright.
If you fall, you’ll never get up again.
Inch by inch you move across the floor, silently grateful for the socks on your feet. They allow you to slide across the hardwood, but they also pose a threat. Slide too far and you’ll lose your feet.
If you fall, you’ll never get up again.
The determination and your desire for certainty is what keeps you sliding inch by inch across the floor towards that strip of blinding light in front of you. It’s hovering before you, threatening you. How do you know there’s not one of them standing guard, waiting for you to try and leave? You can’t know. You don’t have a clue what’s waiting on the other side of that door. It could be nothing. It could be your entire pack.
Breathe.
In and out.
You take a moment at the door, resting your aching feet. Your body is throbbing from the effort to keep yourself upright, the sedative still numbing your brain and your movements. It’s like treading through honey, everything twice as hard as it should be. You can walk. You’ve done it before. You did it in the medical center.
You can do it here.
You use the crutch to push the door open more, your free arm still tucked in a sling to keep you from moving it. Reaching for it with that arm would have put you on the floor, would have caused more pain than you needed, would have made you fall.
If you fall, you’ll never get up again.
Breathe.
The light burns. Explosions of yellows and whites erupt behind your eyelids as you screw them tight against the sudden onslaught. The sun is in the room, shining its rays directly into your sensitive eyes. Your stomach churns, your fingers tightening around the crutch so tight your knuckles begin to ache. The oppressive light makes you want to recede back into the darkness of the room behind you like a vampire shying away from the light of day.
No.
You won’t be defeated by the harsh artificial lighting. You need to know.
You need to be certain.
The others are moving around. You can hear voices around the corner, voices upstairs with thudding footsteps. The air is thick with a mesh of scents, cleaning chemicals, and the burn of scent blocker. Your nose wrinkles at the sudden onslaught against your senses, your sedated brain making it all seem so much worse.
You need to know.
The hardwood floors continue and you use them to your advantage as you shuffle your way across the main area. The fire crackles as you pass, the popping of a log making you startle. Your feet slide again, your body pushing up against the crutch to hold yourself steady.
If you fall, you’ll never get up again.
Your target is dead ahead, a mile away but so close you can almost taste it. Just past the dining table and straight on till morning.
Despite your snail’s pace, no one seems to notice you shuffling your way across the house. It should make you upset, the fact that none of them notice you moving around, but instead it makes you glad. They’d try to stop you if they noticed you, turn you around and shuffle you back to bed. Or worse, they’d carry you.
How easily you could slip away, though.
Well...in theory.
Perhaps that’s why they ‘re not paying you any mind. How far could you really go in your current state?
Why would you want to stray from the only safe space you have?
The world outside is more dangerous with the state you’re in. Not just because of your injuries and your status, but also because you know Shepherd is still out there, and for all you know Graves is as well.
He could be waiting right outside the door.
No.
They’d know.
They’d protect you.
They failed.
You push past the fear in favor of certainty as you push forward, passing the dining table in your slow crawl towards the sliding glass door.
It poses an entirely new threat as you stand before it, staring out the darkened glass. You have to get it open. Getting it open takes strength and you’re down to one hand that’s trying to keep you upright.
You have to know.
You have to be certain.
You lean your weight on the crutch, ignoring the way it digs into your armpit as you reach for the handle. You click the lock, wrapping your fingers around the plastic before pulling. Your body screams with pain as you tug, the door sliding in the track as slowly as you had moved across the small living area. It’s almost as if it's mocking you.
It’s open only as wide as you need to crutch your way through, doing your best not to knock your left shoulder against the frame.
If you fall, you’ll never get up again.
Breathe.
You can smell it.
The salty sea air invades your senses, slipping up through your nose and straight into your brain. Memories come flooding back of childhood vacations back when things were simpler. Back when nothing mattered but the sand and the water and avoiding getting chased by your brothers carrying the piece of seaweed they found.
Polkadot bathing suits, bright red to be seen easily. Toes in the water, sand everywhere. The nap in the silent car home.
How simple life was back then. How easy life was.
Your heart aches for those days again. The days when you could exist without a care in the world, trusting your pack would keep you safe, trusting your family would care for you. Your mind yearns for that sense of safety and security again.
The world is grey as you hobble across the porch, the grey seeming to go on forever. You missed it, the chill in the air, the gloomy grey overhead. How you yearned for the gloom of England while stuck in the heat of Texas.
Anything is better than Texas.
Your forward shuffle pauses at the edge of the deck, your eyes looking out into the grey. Your breath catches in your throat as you stare out into the distance, the ache in your chest intensifying. It blocks out the pain in your body, numbing you to everything else as you stand there, legs trembling from the effort of going the short distance from your room to the end of the porch.
You can see it.
Emotions swirl inside of you like a hurricane as you stare out where the grey water meets the grey sky in the line of the horizon. Those emotions threaten to choke you as you stand there trembling at the edge of the porch. There’s a breeze, a cold one that bites through the fabric of your sweatshirt and into the skin below, but you don’t care.
You can’t care.
Your legs shake from the exertion, the neverending exhaustion that’s settled deep into your bones. It’s not just a physical exhaustion, but a mental one as well. It’s been a long week.
Only a week.
So much has happened in a week.
You want to sit. You want to sink down onto the porch and rest.
If you fall, you’ll never get up again.
There’s a pain in your chest as your breath catches in your throat. The emotions are whirling, tightening around your chest, squeezing your lungs until they feel like they might pop.
Breathe.
In and out.
You needed certainty. You needed to know.
You can hear it. You can smell it. You can see it.
A single tear rolls down your cheek as you stare out at the sea.
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Sorry but this idea that the marauders fandom is "responsible for keeping Harry Potter relevant" is so out of reality for me
the majority of the people that go to give more money to JKR have never read a fanfiction in their lives, and they probably don't even know about what she does on twitter or don't care about what the authors of the books they read do or are just indifferent or hate us trans people so they don't give a fuck and continue to engage with the official world of hp.
I understand wanting to personally step away from the fandom because she's such a piece of shit that you just don't want to engage with anything she started, but to try to guilt trip fanfic authors seems a bit much and also out of anything based in reality as I said... the cultural influence of Harry Potter is not based on the gay fanfictions online, that franchise has whole themes parks for it and a whole TV show that is gonna be promoted heavily, be serious! the problem is not the fanfictions online, she's extremely rich she's gonna keep promoting her works and lots of people aren't going to care about what she does or they may even start supporting the books only because she's transphobic
I feel like instead of trying to shame queer and trans people that write fanfictions and made up their own version of that world and made it the most queer version they could create, we should focus on shaming the politicians and judges that let themselves be bought by transphobic pieces of shit and also those politicians that are not speaking out about it??? while I do think we should absolutely also keep boycotting jkr by not giving her more money and I've been doing this for years since I learned what she really thought, at the end of the day the politicians that make the rules hold the real power and I feel like we get distracted by shaming each other instead of focusing on the main problem which is the governments in power... we should think more about going to protests and pestering THEM with our disappointment
Idk I find it ridiculous to be harassing other queer people because of this, it's just more pointless hate and infighting that doesn't bring anything positive! from what I've seen most of the marauders fans have been actively against her, have not interacted with stuff that gives her actual money and are trying to boycott her by not buying official merch etc etc they are way more aware of what she does than random normie fans that keep buying harry potter themed shit around the world... Exactly because the marauders fans are mostly queer people that honestly made up a whole other universe from what I consider just a smidge of her input at this point. I really don't think it's a fair assessment to say they're responsible or even "the main reason why Harry Potter is still alive"... That's just a lie
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