#this article annoyed me so much omfg

[cuddlytogas]

Fyre sent me an article that made me Lose My Mind, so instead of sending 800 tweets about it, I decided to just write up my thoughts here

so, in re: ET Fox, 'Jacobitism and the Golden Age of Piracy' --

Fox is definitely exaggerating. His logic jumps from 'ship names and alleged toasts', to 'every pirate was one contact away from a confirmed Jacobite', to "a Jacobite maritime community" (296), with little evidence beyond each previous assumption. He does demonstrate a link with popular Jacobitism, but overstates pirates' political commitment by far.

There's one letter to George Camocke, a Jacobite naval officer, suggesting that the pirate fleet should unite under his command and take Bermuda as a Jacobite base, but the source is shaky, and it went nowhere once Woodes Rogers ousted the pirates. (It's I think from 1718 and unsigned? Possibly from Charles Vane and his crew? Fox only says that, "Through these contacts [unspecified, between Vane and English Jacobites] a letter reached George Camocke" (286), which is suspiciously vague, and I can't access the original to check. Either way, it would still only prove the committed politics of one crew.)

Fox also makes a lot of Archibald Hamilton, governor of Jamaica from 1710-16, who commissioned and profited from the anti-Spanish privateers who turned pirate and made up some of the original Bahamas pirates c. 1715. Since "it has been suggested that [Hamilton] was a Jacobite supporter" (283), Fox claims that these establishing pirates were also committed Jacobites, and therefore the whole pirate community that grew around them must have been. (Which leads to Fox then being baffled when there's no direct evidence of Jacobitism among some of them, such as the crews of Anstis, Fenn, or Rackham.) He relies on these assumptions, and then claims that every connection between pirates proves their mutual Jacobite sympathies.

It's much more likely (and in line with the historians I've read so far) that the Jacobite toasts and ship names speak to a broader anti-authoritarianism among pirates, with no evidence of committed Jacobite actions by them, eg, specifically targeting Hanoverian ships, or materially supporting or trying to support Jacobite rebels beyond that one letter. Indeed, the 1710s/20s pirates are generally agreed to be distinct for not adhering to religious/national loyalties like the C17th pirates usually did. (I'm so sorry, I haven't consolidated my notes yet, but I know Marcus Rediker goes through this, as does Kris E Lane, and I think Tim Travers and David Cordingly.)

Fox does identify a correlation between the rise and fall of Jacobitism and piracy over the mid/late 1710s, but attributes a pretty shaky causation: pirates ceased their Jacobite loyalties due to the suppression of Jacobitism in Britain and Europe. A much more obvious explanation is that both anti-authoritarian movements simultaneously flourished in the post-war, post-succession instability, then were both quashed as the new regime established itself and cracked down on rebels.

So, did many pirates espouse Jacobite sympathies? Yes! They named their ships in favour of Jacobite causes and rulers, and there are plenty of reports of them toasting to King James / the Pretender. (Which it must be said, although the sheer volume lends a ring of truth to the trend, individual claims should be taken with a grain of salt, as Jacobitism was a common accusation against criminals at the time, with or without a basis.)

Does that mean that the 1710s Caribbean pirate community was centred around a heart of politically committed Jacobites, as Fox argues, or largely motivated by Jacobite sentiments? Yeah, probably not.

Anyway, I am SO sorry that this article got me riled up XD the whole point of this is to say, I've never read anywhere that "many pirates were Jacobites driven out of Britain", which I KNOW wasn't even your main point, but I am unfortunately Insane. We can and should talk about expressions of pro-Jacobitism and actual political engagement among 'Golden Age' pirates, but what we know of their actual actions and espoused ideals doesn't speak to a trend of committed Jacobite politics beyond a general loyalty to rebellious causes.

[freyjas-musings]

at this point if sjm record herself and says Elain and Azriel are not endgame but she's wearing a pink shirt with flowers on it they'll be like OMFG E/RIEL IS ENDGAME she's just trying to keep us on our toes and not spoil anything and keep us surprised...

I'm so tired of their shit. god this fandom exhausts me and at this point I think the publishers and even sjm are doing this on purpose so ppl doesn't stop talking about the books...

and tbh I'm so fkn scared that of the day they confirm Gwynriel/Elucien endgame, hell will break loose and the hate toward sjm and the fans will be unstoppable and it gives me anxiety just thinking about it...

I think people fail to realise, she is currently talking about a book that comes after the next ACOTAR one, it means she has completed the ACOTAR book she was writing and is currently going through edits . Irrespective of how noisy people are being it won't stop from Azriel's book from being next .

HOFAS makes it so much more obvious and at this stage Elriel is not happening a 100% ... Its either Gywn or a new LI... given further mate parallels with Ruhn Lidia in HOFAS I am confident Gwyn is Azriels mate and hence endgame. Trust the books and your reading comprehension.

I know it can be annoying but at this stage I simply don't pay attention to Elriels , low grade interns or random articles that specify "Fan speculation" I have reached my threshold for tolerating "fandom drama" . I really suggest you completely ignore the Elriels at this point. I don't see them improving any time soon , I don't expect it either.

I understand the need to vent sometimes but beyond that there is literally nothing to be worried about or be scared about.

[pisstintedglasses]

Enhypen as School Publication Events!

--if you don't know what these are, basically, they're the journalists. Anyway, they're the ones making news, broadcasting it, or drawing it. They have annual contests for each journalism sector called Schools Press Conference (PressCon). Usually, they get 15-30 students from each school to compete in another province. There's a division, regional, and national level. Idk if press conference contests are common in other countries, but they are here in the Philippines.--

Lee Heeseung (이희승)

Heeseung's kinda introverted, so I get the feeling he'll be in an individual event. I noticed people in individual events keep to themselves most the time.

Something like Newswriting. Not an event where you'd have to socialize, but the people in the event are sociable too. It's a pretty chill event. I relate him to my team's old newswriter. He was pretty chill, joking around with those he knew.

He'd definitely be the type to start conversations if the room felt too quiet. Especially just during training.

He'd be the best seatmate during the entire trip to whichever city is hosting the contest. Attentive, but not nosy. Not yappy, but not awkwars either.

Park Jongseong—Jay (박종성)

His mbti being xxTx makes me think he's going to be in an individual event, but he has confidence.

I know he's gonna be put in the broadcasting team, probably as a reporter. I don't think his voice is deep enough for anchoring.

Although, we know he has a habit kf eating sweets whenever he's stressed, and his coach always scolds him about that. Broadcasters aren't really allowed to eat anythjng sweet or cold that could impair their voice.

Overall, he's a really good team mate that wouldn't hesitate to speak his mind about something, but also be really caring towards you.

He's the one that members constantly cling to. I just know when your sleeping bags are all laid put on the floor, one of his members is flinging an arm or a leg over him just to annoy him.

Sim Jaeyun—Jake (심재윤)

A copy reader. I mean bro likes correcting grammar so much, it just fits. Copy reading is basically proofreading and correcting any errors from an article. Bro's made for it.

Either that, or Science and Technology Writing. I know he's got a wide range of information and knowledge stocked up.

Whenever yall's coach allow you to go around the host city to let you explore, he's the one his friends force to order for them.

When yall lay out your sleeping bags, he's gonna whip out a spider man designed one and everyone's gonna laugh at it but you just find it adorable.

He kept trying to defend himself and say that his mom must have packed hin the wrong thing chz he apparently just bought a new plain navy blue one.

You prefer the spiderman one better.

Park Sunghoon (박성훈)

-quick interruption,, THIS LOOK OMFG I WANNA EAT HIM UP-

Ahem anyways. There's a lot of things he could be but broadcasting is NOT one of them. He's got the voice for it, but not the social battery.

He'd be in an event where there's not much interaction going on. Editorial writing would suit him best.

Based from the editorial writers I knew on my team, they are all so quiet. Like not one of them would strike up a conversation unless it was absolutely required. And even then, they'd be usually just closed off.

He definitely enjoys being in the team with his friends, though. Going through the social challenges that happens in PressCons feels a bet more tolerable because he has his friends with him.

Kim Seonwoo (김선우)

Gossip buddy for the whole trip ⚜️. Sunoo's pretty extroverted so I'd say he can survive in Broadcasting. Still, I think photojournalism suits him best.

[deniable-masterpiece]

no same like i love milo and stuff but like i watched the show raw just like how he is inside of my guts right now and like you’re so right the mom and baby girl comments are so tacky, icky and boring - not to be a bitch but to be a bitch, it really undermines everyone else’s performances or just pushes them into a box when the character is more than that. and yeah the shipping is annoying as well as the writers pairing everyone off, i hoped that charley and rhonda would become bestfriends or something instead of having love interest but i like yuri especially for charley but does everyone NEED a partner? it’s kind of comedic how all of a sudden each person has a special person for them, i mean i like xavier and nicole but they really just suddenly and randomly ended xavier and claire only for her to get a new character as her love interest who we have barely seen. fans theories are so bad as well and it makes it worse that viewership has risen 106% according to an article milo reposted so we are gonna see a lot more “fans”.🎀

real I went in raw after hearing a friend watch it in math class and then found out milo was in it and got back into my phase with him after not really being a fan of his since the first zombies back in the day. and reeeeallll like I love the energy we're giving to milo- it's so deserved but the fact that y'all didn't want him until now screams fake fan and also he's not the only person in the show (he's not the only HOT person in the show too). the only reason Maddie isn't sidelined is because she's currently with him but the second that she isn't, I know those fics including her with Wally will be gawnnnn

and no literally like the writers are kinda making me mad that the core 4 ghosts aren't really having their dynamics explored or changed in a meaningful way besides how they were connected to Janet. it feels weird to me that they went out of their way to introduce ghosts that weren't in the therapy circle already too tbh, because we saw other ghosts sitting in on mr martin's sessions and it would've been interesting to see his impact on the others who he actually spoke with and who were there to talk and speak with Janet. Yuri is fine cause he did speak with Janet and stuff but that band girl feels so wasted cause she just wasn't there for any of it and I feel like she isn't impactful enough to really help besides being the decoder of Janet's handwriting. other than that, she can't do much else and it was annoying to hear Rhonda call her out for being so isolated from the core 4 ghosts (which was dumb of her to say cause wasn't she in a trance and marching on the field outside of the school where the bus crashed? it literally took another ghost pulling them out of it for her to finally participate.) And going back to the therapy circle, I find it weird that Mr Martin only collected items from the 4 main ghosts and didn't bother to learn about anyone else?? I wish they explored all of that more but I'm glad that they Maddie stuff is enough to make every episode feel exciting and fresh and fun

but omfg you're so right, it's so weird how everyone just suddenly has a partner or is super close with each other when they seemingly were single and kinda standoffish for decades. and omfg don't get me started on Xavier and Claire, it was definitely done as a motive for Xavier to have "killed" Maddie in season one but now that we know the truth, they're just moving him over to Nicole since that's the better fit. I kinda hate it because it happens so fast and again, it's only been a month for them at most with this Maddie stuff so how the hell does Xavier become the biggest bop and cheat on Maddie, leave Claire, and get with Nicole this fast? And omfg Claire's love interest is Nicole's brother right? That literally is so dumb because he was in one or two episodes max😭

and right!! so many of the fan theories are bad or just stupid. the only good one was that Mr Martin took Mr Anderson's body because he wanted to keep the teacher/student dynamic with Janet and hold the same power over her, which is so smart tbh. but ughhhh I hate that new "fans" are coming in to obsess over milo... I miss when he wasn't TikTok white-boy-ified

[lunas-side-anime-blog]

Modern College Student/BF Armin Arlert Headcanons

(rewatching aot and damn I forgot how much I love armin.  someone pls put me onto some good armin fan fiction?  this boy doesn’t get anough attention honestly, lemme know if you guys want me to do anyone else, im thinking eren next?)

Pre law student

I think in the modern world, Armin would only look at his love for the ocean and nature as hobbies.  When it comes to investing in his education and making money to support himself and his family, he’d go into a major he’s good at just to be safe.  And that’s persuasive arguments, crazy attention to detail and maybe a little manipulation for the greater good so yeah…lawyer it is 🙂

Currently focusing on political science for his BA before law school

Shares a small apartment with Eren and Mikasa cuz they all looked at dorm life and were collectively like “yea, fuck that”

Armin and Mikasa are up first every morning, and they usually share a lil breakfast together before deciding which one should dare try to drag Eren out of bed

Has the best color-coded notes, the type of student to type into the chats links to resources he found helpful when doing the homework, pulls thru with the quizlet right before quizzes

Heavy on that study beats, listens to it even when not studying

Has canva pro and no you cannot use it 🫶🏻

Strict study schedule but he doesn’t go overboard like other honor kids.  He gives himself plenty of breaks and plans his workload so he can enjoy his weekends bc he knows he’ll be useless all burnout 

His Starbucks order is an iced brown sugar oat milk shaken espresso, sometimes with a blueberry muffin, boy likes his sweets

The Starbucks staff around the corner knows him personally and even have a lil crush on him since he's there so often, polite and always puts something in the tip jar (he may get a few free cake pops here and there)

Loves the sims and doing little legacy challenges, the type to get emotional when his sim gets married or has kids because he fr raised them

Deep into the lore too, has his theories about Bella Goth and hates Don Lothario with a passion

One time Eren deleted his saved family and Armin didn’t speak to that man for two weeks

Secretly loves fanfiction but only found family fanfiction bc it reminds him so much of his relationship with Eren and Mikasa. Soft spot for anything Harry Potter tho (proud ravenclaw)

I don’t think he’d smoke weed bc I feel like he’d be a paranoid high so it’d be more stressful than relaxing tbh

But he always trip sits his friends!  

Will go to parties if dragged along but the most he’ll drink is like a twisted tea or white claw and just kinda watch his friends get hammered like 🫣

The type of guy at the party who’ll get dragged into some drunk crying girl’s story about her bf and he’s just sitting there with his one drink, sober asf like, “omfg bestie! you need to dump him, like i’ll help you draft that text rn”

Smells like Johnson and Johnsons baby soap and like he’s so embarrassed about it but his skin is so sensitive he has to use the goo goo gaga stuff

Other than that he kinda smells like fresh laundry?  Uses too much detergent and dryer sheets so his clothes smell like extra good and he doesn’t wear cologne so yeah, hope you like Tide bitches✌🏼

Very loyal to the vanilla bean burts bees chapstick

Has a blue hydro flask that he always has with him, also constantly reminding his friends to drink more water

Totally has scared Eren by telling him about kidney stones and how the dumbass might have to just pee out rocks if he doesn’t drink sum fucking water.

Eren now takes hydrating v seriously :)

Most of his friends will go to him more than their actual advisor bc Armin is just much more helpful tbh and he loves telling them which classes or internships they should take.  

Actually prefers articles and podcasts over books bc of practicality and he already has to read so fucking much for school

But is lowkey one of the annoying ppl where like any conversation you’ll have will end with him like, “Oh earlier I was listening to this one podcast and-”

Has painted his nails a few times but I think he’s a nail biter so he kinda stopped after unintentionally eating so much nail polish

Secret passion for skin care, may or may not be a skincarebyhyram stan

Tried countless times to get Eren to at least wear spf everyday but yea, that bitch don’t listen

Mikasa does tho and they actually go to sephora together once every month for lil skincare hauls (baddie w her baddie friend)

Calls his grandpa everyday, even if it’s just for a few minutes bc he knows his grandpa is all alone now that he left for school and armin just wants him to know that he’s doing fine and making him proud

As your Bf

You guys probably met thru a friend of a friend, most likely you befriended Mikasa or Eren and they started bringing you over and eventually Armin would meet you

Bc in no way would Armin actively search for something romantic when his main focus rn is getting his degree but like damn you were just-

Wow

Anyway, as your bf expect literally so many forehead kisses

Kinda clingy bc he is indeed a scorpio, once it’s official between you two every night he’s like “so we sleeping at my place or yours?”

Bc why would you guys just sleep apart from each other?  

Armin fr forgot how to 

Fav cuddle position is you on your back and him with his head on your chest and arms around your waist

Bonus if you play with his hair and whisper sweet nothings by his temple

I’m on team soft dom armin, boy is a ppl pleaser for sure but still a dom

He’s pretty vanilla and heavy on praise, but if you want him to go hard and degrade you or manhandle you, he would as long as you guys set up a safeword first

His post nut clarity would hit hard tho and he would be so afraid you saw him as some sort of sexist pig afterwards

“WOMEN ARE BEAUTIFUL AND STRONG, IN NO WAY DO I CODONE-”

“Babe chill all you did was spank me.”

If you have a vagina, he is like super educated on the anatomy🤓

Fr makes you pee after sex

Washes his hands before fingering you and you’re just sitting there trying to stay in the mood like “😀”

Tbh the only things I think would be off the table for Armin is anything unhygienic or like anything involving other ppl bc boy is too insecure and possessive for anyone else to be seeing you like that

Sex on the beach isn’t happening either.

If you try to convince him he would just be like,”Sand will end up everywhere (y/n)!  Honestly, it’s like you WANT a yeast infection!”

Having a pre law bf is literally having your own attorney at your beck and call

If you have a problem with a teacher for example, Armin would fr hop on a call with the college and be like “sweetie, who was the head of your department again?”

Next thing you know the poor teacher is fired lol

Can and will fight all your battles

The perfect study buddy, like he'll make flashcards for you without you even asking or telling him what the next test was about?

You never have to edit or revise your essays again, Armin is just proud that you wrote it all out, he’ll take care of it from there so all you have to do later is submit

Armin made one day of the week your guys’ date night and literally someone would have to die in order for him to reschudle bc the boy takes it sooo seriously

Literally Eren can call from the hospital and Armin will just be like “you know what day it is?  Right, it’s Thursday.  Which is date night for me and Y/n.  So unless that broken arm turns into organ failure, don’t call me!”  

Date nights are museums, cafes, planetariums, sometimes you guys will even take a class together

But honestly, the best dates are the ones you guys have at home bc he likes just having you all to himself

Boy is jealous, but more so possessive

Like, it takes a very certain action to piss him off enough to act outwardly bitchy

Boys can make you laugh, they can compliment you, they can try to impress you

But if a boy were to try to protect and care for you?

Armin will snap

Thats literally his job and he sees it as a threat

Will go out of his way to make the dude look really incompentent.

Your study partner brought you a snack bc they know you missed breakfast?

“Y/n doesn’t like that brand, it hurts their tummy.  Maybe you should ask before just shoving whatever in their face😒”  

Its cold out and some guy offers you their jacket?  

“Woah there, prince charming, I don't think your 10 dollar Old Navy hoodie is gonna cut it. Darling, why don’t we head inside and get you a hot drink? 😇”  

A guy friend stops by with some medicine bc he heard you were at home sick?  

Armin’s there at the door like, “My baby’s immune system is really weak right now, the last thing they need is strangers just coming over and making them sicker.  How thoughtless are you?🤬”

Fights don’t really happen bc Armin is so good at de escalating situations, he’s also just such a simp for you that you’ll always gets your way

The only fights he won’t back down from are the ones where he feels like your safety is at risk

Over his dead fucking body would you do anything even remotely dangerous

This is where I see manipulative Armin.  He’d use his skills to convince you that you didn’t even care about what you were arguing for in the first place

At first he might feel a little guilty but after realizing you’re objectively safer from his manipulation, he doesn’t feel as bad

Kinda yandere tbh, but really soft and not dangerous

Your location should always be on tho☺️

Fav Nicknames for you: darling, baby, princess/prince

Songs that fit the vibe: Turning Page by Sleeping At Last, Bad Habit by Steve Lacy and As The World Caves In by Mat Maltese 

“Yes, it’s you I welcome death with, as the world caves in.”

“Nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart.”  

“Thought you were too good for me my dear, never gave me time of day my dear.” 

[ghostantine]

I’m slightly side-eyeing that article from couple weeks back with the “chain smoking” on L0T... like CW would allow that? Cos my money is on no. They didnt do it for that one arr0w ep. Nor in any other series they got (that i know off) are people smoking, at all. 

so sounds highly unlikely they’d be able to do more than what they got away with on nbc...

[cardboardboxcomplex]

ok since i’m awake and useless, might as well

it’s 4AM on a monday at this point and i do *not* want to go to work. but i have to hhrghshfd HAAAAAA ok breathe . i skipped last week’s shift that i was supposed to go to the lab. i completely disappeared for the *third* time during my two-week wfh shift before that. when we were supposed to do the third quarter report, and the proposal. which are the hardest reports to do, bc they’ll be the basis for renewal next year. but i just ... disappeared again and did not open my emails or messages. again. after i did that twice before. and i had to go through the process of like apologizing to everyone for my absence, and i even decided to tell everyone that i have depression cos i dont know how to explain it ! why am i like this ! and i know it’s not an excuse, and i told them that too. but i just hate everything . okay i think im getting to word dump now. how many times am i going to be so incapable and incompetent? i hate myself so much cos my brain is so fried and i dont want to deal with anything . when was the last time i actually thought deeply or whatever or like read a journal article. and i dont even know what im supposed to be doing anymore.  i feel so sad. oh im crying ok. like im thinking of myself and how do i go on with life, what am i supposed to be doing, what kind of path should i be making. i hate this because i lost years of my life and i keep losing more time. and omfg right the paper. man i didnt even reply to sir’s emails either, and i know ate yana and josh had talked and i was supposed to be there too because im supposed to be the main one to finish her thesis for publication, and it’s already been a year? since she left the lab. had i done anything? i did not

and tomorrow is nov 10, and im supposed to do thesis updates ......... how the fuck am i gonna do that. and i had already missed the first time i was scheduled, bc well the same thing happening now. i was wfh (supposedly) and ate isay had to say my internet connection isnt stable. which wasnt a lie, but it was bc i didn’t do anything. i dont know what im supposed to come up with tomorrow. or if i can postpone it again. SEE THIS IS EXACTLY IT HOW MANY TIMES AM I GONG TO BE INCAPABLE AND INCOMPETENT

i dont know like im scared of being in the lab too and all i wanna do is stay in my room 

but you know what i dont even like my room. i miss my old room, i miss all my books, i miss all the memories i left there as in the physical things i’ve kept because i keep everything. full on bawling now. i miss having everything i’ve kept near me, with me. i miss my desk, i miss having one. and i hate my room because i haven’t cleaned my room in MONTHS. idk since march, since quarantine started? i can barely see the floor and i have to walk around all the bags with all stuff thrown in them. and honestly im just desensitizing (?) myself bc if i think too much if i look too closely im gonna throw up and i hate it i hate it . on that note i’ve been thinking i might in a constant state of dissociation, or at least a shallow one? i never thought i really dissociated bc i didnt really get the feeling of being apart from your body. but because it’s been going on for so long it didn’t even register to me that i’m dissociating because it feels normal or the baseline. and my memory recall is so bad, i don’t remember what happened the previous day. why? because i’m not even doing anything. or idk. also my attention span is non-existent. but the memory thing bothers me because i dont even know if i remember things from before before, in the past, not recently

before i forgot about the room, i was supposed to have pest control last oct 20? and it was scheduled like first week of october so i knew it was coming. but did i clean my room? in those weeks between? i didnt. i’d been putting it off exactly because my room is a mess and id ont want anyone to come in like this. so i had to postpone that too, and the next one is tomorrow. did i clean my room since then? no. what have i been doing? i dont know either. literally rotting away. and i feel so bad cos i m not even doing anything. i dont even know what. i cant get myself to do anything

what if someone helps me clean? i don’t want anyone to help me clean because i dont want anyone to see my room. ate isay was supposed to help me on that sunday or monday before oct 20 but the plan was i was going to start cleaning saturday so at least if she comes up to help, it wouldnt be so disgusting. but yeah i did not clean. and now it’s november. you know the last time i ironed my clothes? september. last year. september 1, 2019. i remember because that was jungkook’s birthday, but also i was ironing when i got the messages from someone when they were leaving me and didnt want (?) to be friends with me anymore. and that broke me really bad. but not the point rn. 

i dont know what else im thinking. oh i miss my friends. kosestream, if you’re reading this, yes i’m thinking of you too, and i’m really sorry. im so sorry ive kept disappearing on you guys for months. i’ve missed you and so many parts of your life, and im really really i wasnt there. and bc i don’t talk with you often, and with my awful memory, i also forget what’s been going on and it makes me feel awful because like i miss all these things about you? i always thought that i had kept tabs on everyone well, paying attention to what you’re doing, ask how things are with you, and now i dont. and im sorry. i always miss you so much, and i love you, and i dont know if that still means anything to you, but it’s still there. so thank you for inviting me to play among us, i liked hearing your voices. and i know you were worried about me (if im wrong this is embarrassing please ignore this) and were trying to cheer me up / offering your support/presence/love/shoulder/hug idk. so thank you. it meant a lot to me (but im sorry my internet was awful. honestly that stressed me out so much and i was gonna give up because i felt annoying and like a huge bother) but okay thank you 

and it’s the same with irl friends, missing things. i thought of it once as everything passing (by) me. like when neos had left for germany, i wasnt there. why? because i was rotting away at home doing nothing. i didnt even get to say goodbye. and just the same with everyone, i havent been talking with anyone. there are so many messages i’ve gotten i haven’t (didn’t) replied to, and it’s like god how are they. 

what else. ah there’s another thing i’ve thought of. but idk i’ll write that next time 

it’s monday, and it’s almost 5am now, i’m supposed to go to work. i have to text ate isay if she’s gonna pass by and pick me up. but i havent slept because i completely fucked up my sleeping schedule. and my room is still a mess. no i did not even try cleaning it even though i had been thinking about it literally every single day. should i just not sleep or should i try getting like an hour of sleep , and hope i wake up (actually, would love to not wake up, ever)

09 Nov 2020, M, 05:02 BTS – Butterfly (Alternative Mix) 

[led123123]

https://youtu.be/LJOKAHGZLs0?t=414

damn.. I gotta sell my old cpu too..

I should sell it

I’m gonna.. stick the sticker.. with transparent tape.. and.. like.. I need pendrive for printer..

wait.. I have wifi in laptop.. so I can try printing with wifi..

I never used this printer

I can do that over wifi with laptop. 

but I guess the printer needs to be turned on.. because I can’t see it on my laptop

I guess it’s turned off

I need to test the printer

https://youtu.be/jz5UbEjR9Ys?t=74

I told you.. I was thinking about.. “investing”.. in amd.. jesus..

their.. share value is probably rising a lot now again..

https://finance.yahoo.com/quote/AMD/?guccounter=1&guce_referrer=aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuZ29vZ2xlLmNvbS8&guce_referrer_sig=AQAAALqlly1c3x_R_JaV2YA7U_SBDEumtiABVa3vZhprk0izxN4yMZGCIxeTsa_Q5yecnhyuC3lNlo41sYc84EpDPmDx3l7HcVG1XmPWUacDE9Hb-tUq7HPHHe0hQEBeSsIm7v7kK9bpkdic0XL7vmygC6lzpjzM0YTbS-ZcV4QNtvVH

lol.. they knew about this 3 months ago already?? last time it was 50 now it’s 80

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC60YCQKHFyySHLRt0vPKdjg/videos

she lost like.. a lot of money on bitcoin.. xD

so like. my.. guess was right.. to invest in amd.. 

I mean.. relatively a lot.. because she said that she lost her job and has money for like.. 6 months or something

so it sounded bad

https://youtu.be/QWQxTK52uOU?t=115

https://youtu.be/QWQxTK52uOU?t=101

https://youtu.be/QWQxTK52uOU?t=128

she must have bought it late

https://youtu.be/QWQxTK52uOU?t=209

I don’t have any experience.. but.. to me.. like.. charts like.. I think that they don’t say much about company. it’s more important if the company has good products and how well it’s doing against competition

supermarket chain built a 2nd supermarket in my town.. and.. like.. they have a another supermarket near.. so they’re competing with them.. and.. like.. all the smaller shops.. won’t have as much profit I guess.. I woke up yesterday.. and their car.. was playing music at 9 am and announcing their 20% discount day.. it was so annoying

I don’t mind this as much when it’s not as early.. jesus.. 

https://youtu.be/jwzn3-8zfq8?t=83

so like.. my amd call was good

https://youtu.be/vHwZQp166UM?t=35

kayley was a “freelancer”

https://youtu.be/vHwZQp166UM?t=59

https://youtu.be/vHwZQp166UM?t=66

https://youtu.be/vHwZQp166UM?t=261

cryptocurrency..

she didn’t buy low..

https://youtu.be/Th6AfCWdK34

https://youtu.be/Th6AfCWdK34?t=71

I dont know how people can made decissions based primarily on charts.. I think that everyone is just buying based on charts..

https://youtu.be/Th6AfCWdK34?t=233

https://youtu.be/EbhgjbjY3IY?t=40

https://youtu.be/EbhgjbjY3IY?t=224

https://youtu.be/EbhgjbjY3IY?t=320

https://youtu.be/EbhgjbjY3IY?t=516

she’s casting spells to keep the evil stock goblins away

one like a day keep the evil stock goblins away

omg.. that’s a new update.. 

it’s taking a lot of time

50 minutes..

https://youtu.be/q4FwKFk658c

https://youtu.be/Cq_tZbkr3N4

https://youtu.be/Cq_tZbkr3N4?t=67

https://youtu.be/Cq_tZbkr3N4?t=78

https://youtu.be/52hFeYzoeXU?t=17

https://youtu.be/xG2JDB34rzE?t=65

https://youtu.be/Ygw7xlgeJr8?t=1365

https://youtu.be/Ygw7xlgeJr8?t=2016

what the heck.. this is the mode where you can have same heroes on both teams

no that’s an illusion

https://youtu.be/Ygw7xlgeJr8?t=2059

https://youtu.be/Ygw7xlgeJr8?t=359

https://youtu.be/Ygw7xlgeJr8?t=475

australia, bulgaria

I had time to clean dishes and cook pasta..

now I’m back and there’s 1 minute and 30 seconds left

I was hungry so I grabbed red prince.. it feels.. like.. the taste I mean.. feels.. like it’s still not ready to eat.. it feels green..

I should wait like.. more time.. like few more weeks

why are they selling them.. why wants to buy these apples..

it feels like this one still needs like.. 3 weeks

it’s green under the skin.. and has like.. green color.. like.. it shouldn’t have that much green color.. that just means that it’s not ready

this one was too green.. maybe the next would be better..

the next one.. also is a bit green under the skin. but.. not as much.. and the center.. looks like it’s more ready to eating

it’s not as green inside as the previous one

I would say.. that they need like.. 3 more weeks.. 

that’s like.. I don’t know if picking up apples early makes any sense.. like.. they won’t get attacked by bugs.. but.. they’re not gonna.. like.. grow.. 

so like the apples has.. like.. this thing that is attached to the tree.. and it’s like.. kinda dry and thin.. and it gets all the substances it needs though that??

https://images.app.goo.gl/nciP64Pu11KiryEN9

https://images.app.goo.gl/eactHx1vqBKv8Srb9

stem

https://youtu.be/HDE2O7PVaWY?t=29

I don’t think I would ever eat a green apple.. never tried.. like.. 

they become yellow later right?? 

I used to eat yellow apples. 

who would eat a green apple..

https://youtu.be/HDE2O7PVaWY?t=73

doesn’t look that bad

this one

https://youtu.be/XAu-fobaL7g

apple parts

https://youtu.be/XAu-fobaL7g?t=133

https://youtu.be/w9kI1_i6cpE?t=60

ok lets watch this trash

https://youtu.be/-VFED66ljVs?t=128

https://images.app.goo.gl/tJ9W7VomdtbdxYJN8

I didn’t see the loba voice actress before

https://youtu.be/hwNjJLxIHMA?t=362

jumpu

more voice actors for other languages

https://youtu.be/-q1MCeWH0Lo?t=67

https://youtu.be/-q1MCeWH0Lo?t=104

it looks like he either has anti aliasing maxed out.. or he’s playing on 1440p or something I don’t know

https://youtu.be/-q1MCeWH0Lo?t=181

that’s her real accent?? she’s from scotland?? 

https://youtu.be/-q1MCeWH0Lo?t=36

she’s is

https://www.youtube.com/c/RagTagg/videos

he is from scottland too

https://youtu.be/JAKSn5nD-EY?t=473

https://youtu.be/JAKSn5nD-EY?t=519

this doesn’t look like.. I don’t know.. like.. anti aliasing looks kinda.. I think

https://youtu.be/JAKSn5nD-EY?t=552

I mean.. the other video looks smoother.. maybe because scaling from 1440p

https://youtu.be/-q1MCeWH0Lo?t=89

looks a lot smoother

I could like.. up the settings.. maybe.. maybe I need to set higher settings..

https://youtu.be/8JJ65HQ_rT8?t=867

it looks the same

is it better to play on 1440p scaled to 1080p??

https://youtu.be/ltnlX3xMTOs?t=44

baka.. = ...

https://www.rd.com/article/supermarket-apples-10-months-old/

https://youtu.be/-q1MCeWH0Lo?t=249

I’m actually.. replacing phoenix kits for battery cells.. because I don’t really get to use the kit.. and I need cells to keep my shield full.. I’m not gonna keep trading with less than 150 hp..

because that makes me vulnerable for a very long time because of low hp.. and if I get third partied then I have no time to heal up..

if I get third partied.. it leaves me like.. caught with my pants down.. if I keep poking with like.. 115 hp.. and I get shot once.. for 47 hp lets say.. then I’m left with.. eee.... like.. 70 hp.. and I hear other squad being right next to us.. I don’t even have 1 second to pop a phoenix kit..

https://youtu.be/pa8ybvIvebM?t=19

another old video??...

https://youtu.be/GKFPSS4yc2s?t=87

r99 is back??

https://youtu.be/GKFPSS4yc2s?t=96

wtf

I still didn’t get banned.. I’m gonna get banned next time they check my text chat logs.. do they only save the logs from the game that I get reported??

why can’t they just.. like.. mute the.. censored words.. f*cking idiots..

instead of banning me

https://youtu.be/GKFPSS4yc2s?t=429

what’s its hitbox..

https://youtu.be/GKFPSS4yc2s?t=456

she’s not very short

almost like pathfinder. so like.. big hitbox

https://youtu.be/GKFPSS4yc2s?t=616

this map looks trash af

a car.. the map isn’t even big.. this car was the worst idea

r99 is back.. they already had.. new smg.. hemlok out.. 2 smgs.. now.. but it’s easier to find light ammo.. but it shoots faster.. so uses more ammo so takes more space in inventory..

but ammo is a lot easier to find

https://youtu.be/-VFED66ljVs?t=130

https://youtu.be/5EqSQetCTug?t=136

https://youtu.be/CfZSf3mUu3M

https://youtu.be/CfZSf3mUu3M?t=28

map looks the worst

https://youtu.be/CfZSf3mUu3M?t=98

damn

https://youtu.be/7wAxp6aqa9o?t=20

they’re trying to make the characters too realistic.. 

https://youtu.be/7wAxp6aqa9o?t=27

she looks weird in this suit.. 

https://youtu.be/7wAxp6aqa9o?t=78

that’s a big deal

https://youtu.be/7wAxp6aqa9o?t=162

https://youtu.be/7wAxp6aqa9o?t=225

https://youtu.be/7wAxp6aqa9o?t=488

https://youtu.be/7wAxp6aqa9o?t=634

hemlok was supposed to be removed

https://youtu.be/7wAxp6aqa9o?t=1015

that one dude.. headshot me with whole burst one time..

https://youtu.be/7wAxp6aqa9o?t=1116

it’s not good map for a car.. it’s too small and there’s too many obstacles..

https://youtu.be/7wAxp6aqa9o?t=1169

it wasn’t bad.. I mean.. yes.. tbh.. in early game.. people have like.. usually like blue shields.. 75 hp.. so.. yes.. in lategame sentinel is not a good weapon to have.. 

https://youtu.be/7wAxp6aqa9o?t=1253

wingman hop up is useless

https://youtu.be/7wAxp6aqa9o?t=1272

https://youtu.be/7wAxp6aqa9o?t=1309

omg thank god.. 

https://youtu.be/7wAxp6aqa9o?t=1320

omg. they finally made this game playable

https://youtu.be/7wAxp6aqa9o?t=1322

omfg

https://youtu.be/7wAxp6aqa9o?t=1328

omg.. 

why are they set that high damage per tick before..

https://youtu.be/4b8_q9eMcJ0?t=27

it looks disgusting..

I’m getting back to different game

that’s a lot of damage for evo 4 shield

https://youtu.be/4b8_q9eMcJ0?t=329

maybe I increase mouse sensitivity.. it looks like he has really high sensitivity

maybe I just.. increase.. I mean.. I could try.. increasing sensitivity and reducing ads sensitivity

https://youtu.be/4b8_q9eMcJ0?t=498

lvl 3 ring.. only 5% damage

https://youtu.be/4b8_q9eMcJ0?t=584

his sensitivity seems pretty high

https://images.app.goo.gl/hMwm3pC9janz3uJC8

https://youtu.be/r3QjNv9K36k?t=165

https://youtu.be/lyeyG8VXxOs

https://youtu.be/lyeyG8VXxOs?t=68

lol

https://youtu.be/lyeyG8VXxOs?t=175

not reloaded

https://youtu.be/lyeyG8VXxOs?t=230

these last 3 shots were good

https://youtu.be/lyeyG8VXxOs?t=277

https://youtu.be/lyeyG8VXxOs?t=176

no reloaded.. xD

https://youtu.be/FkXf-kd2aos

https://youtu.be/V84YY9VVCiE?t=101

I still have no idea where he is.. lol..

https://youtu.be/lyeyG8VXxOs?t=237

https://youtu.be/PgedopvFPwI?t=114

https://youtu.be/PgedopvFPwI?t=128

https://youtu.be/PgedopvFPwI?t=666

https://youtu.be/PgedopvFPwI?t=681

his edges also look really smooth.. 

is this because he’s playing on 1440p or.. because of high anti aliasing settings

no.. my image quality doesn’t look that bad.. it looks worse when I’m moving.. lol.. when I’m not moving then it looks good

that must be the settings

“radeon boost - reduces resolution during motion.. to increase performance”

but I don’t have this option on..

omg I really had my sensitivity so low?? I increased it a lot higher now.. and it feels normal

previous was slow

this one feels a lot more of what is should be

I had lower resolution before.. so like.. when I switched to higher.. it needs to be adjusted again..

I increased again because it didn’t feel that fast

https://youtu.be/FkXf-kd2aos

this was on lower resolution

chrome crashed on me.. too much ram used

lol stray.. lol.. he also.. was like.. “it’s lagging..” people were saying that he had too many tabs on chrome opened.. 

his computer was lagging..

I had too many tabs opened..

but it was working fine.. I just opened too many tabs.. it was working fine with hard drive page file so page file on hard drive works normal

my mouse sensitivity was really slow.. I increased it like.. 3 or more times.. I don’t remember exactly.. before it was really slow..

https://youtu.be/XcmojY2vxJM?t=13

https://youtu.be/-dtS76NxmPg?t=103

never seen like.. people say that

https://youtu.be/-dtS76NxmPg?t=204

she has nice skin color and.. I like how her skin color and her hair look together

that was like.. good lighting.. it’s usually the lighting playing a big role how everything looks

https://youtu.be/-dtS76NxmPg?t=234

lighting changed

https://youtu.be/hwNjJLxIHMA?t=34

I can flick faster with faster sensitivity. it feels a lot better for controlling.. aim

it’s not like.. slow so I don’t need to drag mouse across entire mousepad.. and faster

I used to have high sensitivity on low resolution too.. but.. I changed resolution.. and.. I didn’t know what sensitivity to set.. what value

https://youtu.be/hwNjJLxIHMA?t=77

he has good sensitivity. I increased mine.. like.. 3 or more times.. and now I realize that it was really slow

https://youtu.be/hwNjJLxIHMA?t=86

his sensitivity is pretty fast

I don’t know how I could play on a lot lower sensitivty..

I need to sell this cpu.. it was a mistake.. I didn’t realize that I need more threads..

https://youtu.be/hwNjJLxIHMA?t=290

these maps looked really good.. the new one.. it’s just.. 

it looks like this.. other map.. from different game.. something.. like.. 

hyper scape

https://youtu.be/94RCi3bKggQ?t=210

catapulting is stupid

paladins is better

https://youtu.be/94RCi3bKggQ?t=245

super tall buildings are stupid.. pubg maps are really good

https://youtu.be/hwNjJLxIHMA?t=422

this is kinda.. the sensitivity that.. I had before changing resolution

but mine was like.. actually higher.. I guess.. but it was too high

or I had mouse acceleration on I don’t know

because idk how old that that clip

https://youtu.be/litHbKaFMN4

https://youtu.be/litHbKaFMN4?t=13

this one was actually not bad sensitivity.. but ads sensitivity feels.. maybe a bit too.. high.. I think I had like.. I set higher ads sensitivity.. then I think

instead of 1 I had like.. 1.2 or 1.3 maybe even

https://youtu.be/litHbKaFMN4?t=14

but this one looks quite fast

it looks quite correct speed

https://youtu.be/litHbKaFMN4?t=41

ads maybe was too fast.. maybe I set ads too fast.. I don’t know

I think that they were changing these options few times

https://youtu.be/q4FwKFk658c?t=75

https://youtu.be/t3xrS3ojTDs

https://youtu.be/t3xrS3ojTDs?t=39

this mouse sensitivity also seems good

https://youtu.be/t3xrS3ojTDs?t=51

this one feels really natural

like. correct speed value

and ads is not as fast as before

https://youtu.be/t3xrS3ojTDs?t=114

https://youtu.be/t3xrS3ojTDs?t=178

it’s fast but not impossible to control ( the ads speed)

https://youtu.be/BN5me-2CZWw

https://youtu.be/Ob3-aNX5pUQ?t=221

https://youtu.be/Ob3-aNX5pUQ?t=283

https://youtu.be/TfzPzMi2M6g?t=31

https://youtu.be/o-OrWu4KFrw

https://youtu.be/o-OrWu4KFrw?t=52

https://youtu.be/o-OrWu4KFrw?t=182

https://youtu.be/zoJ4kDanGCY?t=1170

wr also died.

https://youtu.be/t3xrS3ojTDs?t=46

this sensitivity is good.. I still don’t know if I need to set is higher or is this one enough

https://youtu.be/t3xrS3ojTDs?t=148

lol

https://youtu.be/YM7nJvnNnzQ

that’s also.. hebrew right??

https://youtu.be/wJVPLGNSSJ0

I’m alone.. 

https://youtu.be/8FQkEm_XTy8

https://youtu.be/i5PJ6Cwy7mQ

omg what a crazy game..

this sensitivity is so easy 

but I was playing music so I can’t upload..

r-99.. loba.. infinite ammo

omg. this program broke again.. 

what the hell

omg it’s so much fun playing 

f*ck my game didn’t record again.. why.. is this garbage not working normal

why the f*ck is it not recording..

what a f*cking trash..

I don’t know.. maybe.. it was because of this.. crash.. because I ran out of ram I really don’t know.. maybe it was because I was using too much ram.. I guess..

jesus..

with chrome 32GB is like.. 64 is minimum..

imagine having 64 on laptop..

I had to much fun playing first time.. but it didn’t record.. I’m gonna kill these idiots.. it happens all the time.. it’s because of ram.. I think

when was the last time this happened to me.. I don’t know.. 

I won.. 2nd game.. wait.. first game.. I had rambo teammates too.. but.. we didn’t win.. 

oh. nice skin of the new hero

I need to rank up again

some teams are really bad

it’s fun

good that it’s not too cold

https://youtu.be/Th6AfCWdK34?t=14

“decent red day” xD

I though red can only be bad

it can be good if you wanna buy

I’m bad at controlling r99 recoil

damn this was so much fun.. playing.. and this car.. is just.. xD such a.. it’s so funny.. especially with giblartar as driver.. this giblartar makes me laugh he’s funny.. 

https://youtu.be/Th6AfCWdK34?t=63

red day means... like.. I don’t understand.. like.. a lot of market violatility?? but if it’s red.. then... like.. you can’t make a profit.. unless you.. buy low sell high

if you buy low.. that’s an opportunity maybe that’s what she meant

https://youtu.be/Th6AfCWdK34?t=87

I don’t understand buying “stocks” based on charts.. that’s a russian roulette.. I guess.. 

how much she lost??

6k?? omg..

https://youtu.be/Th6AfCWdK34?t=234

6k. xD

she must have bought a lot of shares

I feel kinda.. “detached”.. 

from real world.. I don’t how else to call it

https://youtu.be/pDhTrvq3Oog?t=18

she sounds like a kid who is learning how to talk

https://youtu.be/pDhTrvq3Oog?t=75

invented english

https://youtu.be/pDhTrvq3Oog?t=92

https://youtu.be/pDhTrvq3Oog?t=154

if I’m alone.. and.. I play game.. then I feel detached.. and.. 

https://youtu.be/VT5n6ipGGyA?list=PLjzSBgd8kSOV5TM60Vq2jHeSeH2hbikay&t=328

princess lia?? that’s from star trek right??

why so many people subscribed to her.. like.. she doesn’t make like.. she’s not making.. like.. colaboration videos with anybody on youtube

https://www.youtube.com/c/SSSniperWolf/videos

she’s just a reactor.. she’s just over reacting

all she’s doing is making reaction videos

that’s so f*cking.. all she does is making reactions

she doesn’t make videos with.. anyone new..

and only reaction videos.. reaction after reaction after reaction chain reaction

https://youtu.be/hOC-lSVlF9s?t=5

and like.. I was watching on low resolution.. I guess.. maybe.. I don’t know.

or she just has.. like.. too much lighting.. or too blurry camera..

because her videos... look blurry.. they don’t look sharp..

https://youtu.be/BJpUSd6OBiM?t=31

blurry

https://youtu.be/BJpUSd6OBiM?t=113

she’s like.. recording in like.. 1080p or something.. and.. scaling.. so it looks blurry.. after scaling.. 

her background has too much light.. 

there’s too much light..

and my eyes are just.. like.. I’m wondering if I’m going blind when I look at how blurry her video is

https://youtu.be/BJpUSd6OBiM?t=173

too much light too white background.. and.. blurry

https://youtu.be/VT5n6ipGGyA?list=PLjzSBgd8kSOV5TM60Vq2jHeSeH2hbikay&t=898

she was talking about her anxiety in this video.. when she was playing.. I was like.. that’s like.. similar to how I was feeling.. and I’m.. still feeling like that 

https://youtu.be/QJ87793QXes

https://youtu.be/QJ87793QXes?t=46

https://youtu.be/QJ87793QXes?t=115

there’s nothing else to do 

https://youtu.be/xG2JDB34rzE?t=36

omg.. not a giblartar.. it randomed giblartar..

“club”?? xD lol

gay clubs in apex legends.. new feature

“gay club”

https://youtu.be/8FEHZDGp2Nk

fucking trash..

I’m starting to feel better. 

maybe I had to open window.. for more air..

I needed to just open window maybe..

one dude did 3k damage in my game

damn.. I died.. million times.. 

3k damage..

https://youtu.be/8FEHZDGp2Nk?t=794

I’m feeling.. not as bad.. because I opened window.. I guess

I don’t know.. I guess it’s because I opened window

it was because I had closed window.. 

[revol-lover]

need to vent.

This weekend was a shit show and I took a mental health day from work today. I promised my husband I wouldn't dwell on the issues of the weekend and I would try to take it easy but I need to let this out, I need to vent. And then I can move forward. Its so important for me to write these things down because I can only be strong for so long before I become weak willed again and let toxic people start their cycle of abuse all over on me. I need to have written reminders of what I’ve gone through to remind myself that I don't deserve this abuse and I need to limit contact.

So as I previously posted, I haven't visited my parents in a couple weeks. They haven't bothered to check in on how I am doing even though I usually visit on weekends. No one checks in on me. I’ve put a shit ton of effort into my relationship with them since getting married (well since forever but especially since moving out, keeping in touch. Its all been one sided effort coming from me). I was legitimately busy and exhausted with everything we have going on, being in my third trimester of pregnancy. I work all week, I have things to do after work nearly every single day of the week except for occasionally one or if I’m very lucky, two days, and most weekdays I work, come home, rest for an hour, make dinner, husband comes home, we eat, then we do errands and things that we have to get done during the week (groceries, laundry, house tidying, tending to the plants at the cemetery, visiting his grandmother, visiting his father at the hospital).

Being pregnant has been for the most part easy for me, and I don't take that for granted. Regardless, I’m still getting bigger and less comfortable, I have to drink a gallon of water a day which is getting difficult. I’m just tired. Most weekdays we arent home from our responsibilities until 7 pm. Then we unwind and spend time together before going to sleep and starting all over again. Therefore, my weekends have become very precious to me, as they should be. And I haven't been feeling up to visiting my parents. I am never invited over. But I’m apparently just expected to make an effort, one they do not make.

Well this weekend was my godmother’s 50th birthday. Her boyfriend wanted to surprise her with birthday cake and have family over. I wasnt sure I’d be up to going but I got suckered into buying the cake because her son had to work and no longer could and her boyfriend was surprising her with this so he couldn't go get it himself. So now I “had” to go. My parents were going so I figured this is fair enough. They will see me. It kills to birds with one stone. Well as I’m standing on my godmother’s porch waiting for them to open the door my parents walk up to the porch. My dad says hello and how have I been doing, before I have time to even properly answer he follows it up with a very bitter sounding “haven't seen you in a LONG time”. He really is trying to give me a guilt trip when he doesnt even text me. He hasn't sent me a text since April 4th and that was a “lol ok” reply to a text I had sent to him trying to make conversation about the baby. He has not called me. He has not been in touch, but he is mad that I have not gone by to visit. So I told him, straight up. “Well, I’ve been busy. My week days are busy, we have had a lot going on and I have been trying to get things done and still relax on the weekends, Oh and I’m pregnant. Also you could text me to check how I am doing and you haven't so. “He of course got mad that I had the nerve to say whats the fucking truth and was like “ I know your pregnant what is that supposed to mean” and then he stuttered angrily on “what do you mean about texting”  (does this even need an explanation? no. he doesnt get in contact with me but expects me to put him first at the busiest time of my life.) but I ignored the rest because my god mom opened the door and I Wasnt about to have an argument on her door step. So I go inside. And he persists the issue. He starts questioning me. “What do you do during the week” “what do you do during the weekend” as if I owe an explanation!!!!!! At this point I was getting flustered because I honestly wanted to fucking tell him off but being a decent person unlike apparently him, I wasnt about to have this conversation at someone’s birthday celebration! If you have problem with me address it at an appropriate time! How hard is that to comprehend. So I quickly listed off that I have been busy working and doing things we need to do to get ready for the baby and also, you know having a midwife appointment once every two weeks, soon every week. I shouldn't have even had to try to defend myself. i don't owe him a breakdown of my schedule and why he doesnt fit in it. Especially when the doesnt try to get in contact with me ever and was so disrespectful in the way he attacked me immediately with a guilt trip. The rest of the dreadful 30 minutes I was there was spent not looking at him or my mom and trying not to talk to them because I just can't do it man. I can't. My mom wasnt as bad as she couldve been but it doesnt matter. He made up for it. The annoying thing she did is, so my little niece was there, she’s 4. I haven't seen her either in a few weeks. So I picked her up. My mom literally SCREAMED “Hey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! don't do that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! your stomach!!!!!!!!!!!!” at me as if I am a fucking imbecile or flower petal who can't pick up a SMALL CHILD while I am pregnant. As if I don't know my own limitations. Oh that pissed me off and I told her that its not dangerous for me to pick up my niece and I know what I am able to do. Omfg god though. like seriously does she think I’m not going to pick up and give affection to my first child when my second comes? It was such a stupid thing to have her freak out about. As if she cares. She didnt care when I was a teenager and intentionally hurting myself because of her abuse  but she is going to freak out about me holding a child while I’m pregnant..

As we were leaving my mom handed my husband a birthday card but not without “well we didnt see you last weekend so I couldn't give it to you sooner”. They did not contact me to tell me to tell him happy birthday lol. They live two minutes away. they could have easily dropped it off themselves. But its our fault, right? Then she tried hinting that I should try to visit sometime during the week “if I want” to which.. I didnt even respond. I just ignored it. I’m not doing this guilt trip shit. I don't owe them a visit. I’m not coming to them. If they want to see me they need to make an effort because all they do is bring me stress which I don't need right now. It could have been handled so differently. All my dad had to say was “How have you been?” and left out the guilt trip. There was no need for it.

So anyway. I kept my cool on the entire situation  as best I could. But then we got home. And I just.. idk. I unravelled. I was so angry. I AM still angry. I twas out of line. I hate that my dad thinks he has the right to treat me that way. That I owe him something when he puts 0 effort into the relationship. When we do visit he's glued to his phone. He doesnt even interact. He had no right to attack me with a guilt trip. I was so upset by this when I go t home. I was pacing and shaking and having chest pain and I know this is all really bad for the baby but I couldn't calm down and this is exactly why I can't do this shit anymore. I shouldn't have to live my life afraid of when I’ll see them next because god forbid I have been making my own health and child and marriage a priority. I shouldn't have to apologize or explain that. I wrote a long message I was going to send him but didnt. I don't feel like theres anything I can say to get through to someone who doesnt understand the basic simple point of me putting myself first right now. Largely pregnant, less then 2months from the birth of my child with still a lot to do and decreasing energy and ability to do it, never mind making mentally exhausting visits to unappreciative people.. 

 I thought about calling instead of texting it. But again. I was already stressed out. I was having chest pain My husband was worried sick about me and our baby. My father isn't worth the stress but I can't just turn a switch when it comes to being treated the way I was. How can I just turn a switch and not care? I do not like cofrontation or being attacked. And I didnt deserve it. I’m being attacked for doing the right thing. For taking care of myself and my child. I’m being attacked for having my priorities straight. Do you realize how fucking much that fucks with my psyche? Its not something I can just let go.

I thought for a second I should send him an article on how stress during pregnancy can affect the baby. Yeah except I saw a scary statistic about how third trimester stress can spike up your chance of having a stillborn and went into a legitmate panic attack and my husband had to just take the phone from me. I eventually calmed down but the situation hasn't left my mind. I am home today trying to mentally recoup. I’m trying to just take care of myself but it keeps creeping into my thoughts. The disrespect. What his attack caused - the chest pains and crying and freaking out. That didnt need to happen.. that hsouldnnt have happened. That could very seriously pose a risk to me and my child like pre term labor or other terrible things. Like it just fucks me up that my own father can be so immature and careless in his actions and not even realize how it affected me. Because I care too much. Because I can't believe that after being such a good daughter despite the abuse I’ve received in my childhood, and despite his complete life long lack of protecting me from my mother, the times I’ve thought about cutting my mom off entirely but didnt because I didnt want to lose him.... the fact that all of that exists and is a part of my life, and he doesnt even care enough to treat me with the most minimal amount of respect. That he caused me so much stress it caused physical pain and put me and my child at risk. It just baffles me. I feel like he needs to know what he has done. He needs to know it wasnt ok and he hurt me. But I dint have the strength to even try to talk to him again. And it sucks because I’m forced to see him sunday at my baby shower. Then the week after is fucking fathers day. Then what am I supposed to do with that? I don't even want to see him again period and I’m forced to. I can't be having these things happen every single weekend when Im supposed to be relaxing and I don't know how to avoid it. I’m so fucking stressed out.  I wish I could just move far away and never see or speak to them again. I’m at my wits end and legitimately do not care anymore who I lose in the process but I can't do it with them being so close. I feel so trapped.

[actuallyschizoid]

[1/4] Hey, this is the anon with the empathy overload theory. I wanted to try to explain it at little better. I think a better way to describe it than empathy is “pattern recognition”. For example, I see a person acting a certain way, and I recognize that pattern of movement, facial expression, and content and tone of speech as “angry”, and I also take the pattern of “event happened, person was adversely affected, now they are angry”, and fit “person is angry because of event” into the pattern.

Of course, the way I’m describing it sounds pretty deliberate and intellectual, but the “empathy” I’m talking about is different, it’s a subconscious, automatic thing that people do. NTs would do this naturally, but schizoids and ASD people might end up having to teach themselves to do it rationally instead of emotionally. 

So, basically, schizoids who have a hard time interacting naturally with other humans is because you’re not tuned into their patterns of speech and behavior in the way that NTs are. Because when you’re tuned in with other people, you risk feeling their pain, or getting hurt, or simply becoming over stimulated. So what I mean about schizophrenics doing this TOO much is like, someone with paranoia for example might see someone looking at them and form a pattern where that person is part of a conspiracy to harm them somehow.

Or, they have strange ideas of reference and fit random words in a newspaper into a pattern where someone is sending them an encoded message. Or, one part of their brain sort of suggests a voice and another part says “yeah, let’s go with that. We’re hearing that right now” and an auditory hallucination happens. So it’s possible to me that the schizoid brain has shut this whole show down as a way to avoid psychosis.

Link to the initial post.

Yes, I think I understand what you mean, anon, thanks for elaborating this. 

And indeed, pattern recognition — in everything, not just psychological stuff — is something I’m actually damn good at. Like, objectively better than anyone I know (aside from one fellow schizoid I know for years who might be about as good at it as I am). 

It is something that goes into the core of most of those things that usually surprise people, making them go “omfg the fuck you’re this smart, that’s just insane”. Like coding on a language I never learned off the bat, or learning new human language ten times faster than most people, or writing a solid pro-looking business agreement despite having zero education in legal area, or finding patterns in music, writings, drawings, etc etc. It might seem like i have good memory or some crazy high IQ, when in fact all I do is just juggle some patterns here and there. 

Even this very post I write on a language I never used in practice in real life — it’s just a patchwork of phrases and meanings that I’ve seen in random places in past years. I don’t even need to know how to read many of those words to use them properly. Or the fact that some words I recognize meaning of by hearing, but then end up surprised when I see them written — I’d have no idea it was the same word, despite knowing that meaning of both would be about the same. 

Same with emotions and stuff. I see lots of patterns of people behaviors. Too many, if I may say. If I interact with same person for a long time, I end up with a massive collection of way too specific patterns with more or less definite meanings behind them. I don’t even have to consciously process it to know for sure that’s how I understand emotion things. Ofc it’s not some kind of conscious mental library with items and indexes, like #34343 yawn & eyes wander around & !_tired = bored. No, but I know if I had any reason to write it down, I’d have very little troubles to recall most of the observed stuff and systematize it. I just don’t need to coz it’s usable as is.

But here’s the tricky part: since I still can’t relate to them, there’s this annoying dissonance thingy. Like, let’s say I see my dad showing his angry pattern. I know what it means, but I’ll be like “srsly? you can’t be fucking angry with this, come on, that’s just so wrong! There must be mistake somewhere, I probably read this wrong, I can’t imagine being angry for this ridiculous reason, no human in the world should ever get angry about this because... because just that’s obvious, isn’t it? Nah, there must be different explanation, something rational... oh, now you show even more stuff that I recognize as angry — now WTF is wrong with you?! Am I seeing things that aren’t there or are you some kind of alien and I didn’t know it?” 

It’s absolutely futile to explain to myself that most people would get angry at different things than me. I *know* that. But I don’t really feel that. I can’t understand that no matter how many examples or patterns I collect, no matter how much I analyze them, no matter how many articles about human psychology I read that explain that this is perfectly normal reaction. I’ll be the first to say that “it’s perfectly normal to be angry in this situation”, but I won’t ever relate to this. Not enough to say “yeah, I feel ya, dad, I’d be angry too in your place”. 

And yes, it is 100% rational and deliberate for me, something I had to learn intentionally. Or at least the way to apply my pattern recognition skills to recognizing stuff that has to do with people being the emotional mess they are. 

Returning to the subject (yeah, I did it again), while I can’t say for sure that’s the case, it might be possible that I, indeed, shut off from most part of this input subconsciously. Not sure what exactly I might be filtering out, though. I doubt it’d be voices or some kind of paranoia stuff. Schizoids are unlikely to have psychosis, and I never experienced it. Or any kind of hallucination, at least to my knowledge. Ok maybe aside from the weirdness that happen occasionally when I barely woke up, but most people have it and I think I’m even less likely to see weird non-existing shit than most people. I can literally count those occasions by fingers... and half the cases it was mosquitos that may or may not existed... >.>

Also probably worth to note that I seem to block much less input than I used to. Even within the timespan of this blog, if you dig deep enough, you may notice that the tone of my posts used to be slightly different few years ago. Like, even what I describe now, with the example above. Sure, I can describe it now. And that’s more or less how it was all along. 

But what would I say few years ago for the same example? That I dunno wtf is going on in his mind, and don’t care to know, and won’t even look that way to not bother myself with futile attempts to understand this useless shit that has nothing to do with me. And, aside from phrasing, nothing really changed, tbh. I still can’t (and don’t care to, nor able to) understand what I see. I’m just a bit less reluctant to observe things (or at least to admit I do so). I still notice patterns and make up their meanings, trying to guess the correct one based on whatever info I have on hand. And perhaps once in awhile I’m not even that far off its actual meaning — thanks to all the knowledge I managed to acquire over the years. I still might be wrong a lot, and fuck knows how much of it just seeps past my attention because if it didn’t, it’d drive me to psychosis or worse.