#this is kind of a retread of the shape of things to come

[chronurgy]

The dark urge and Orin, or the sweet poison of sisterly love

Vesper

The two of them have the largest age gap with Orin being around 10 years younger, but thanks to Vesper's relatively late onset of the urge plus the larger gap between that onset and their arrival at the temple, Orin has already reached her age of majority by the time they arrive.

I've written at length about Vesper and Orin's relationship here, so I won't retread too much of that ground. But the long and short of it is that when Vesper arrives Orin is old enough to know what she's lost (leadership of the temple, her chance at being chosen) and resents them for it (especially because Vesper isn't necessarily a "good" Bhaalist). After her temper cooled, they might have been able to establish some sort of relationship but the status quo worked just fine and neither of them was willing to unbend enough to try. They have a politely distant and resentful relationship until Vesper gets involved with Gortash, which sort of confirms all of Orin's worst fears (that she wasn't good enough for them, that they thought they were so much better than her, etc) and causes her to spiral and focus on getting revenge on Vesper for all the times they'd done her wrong and taken what ought to have been hers. The fact that Gortash was a Banite certainly didn't help matters, but frankly Orin would have reacted more or less the same way if Vesper's new "friend" had been a pinecone with googly eyes glued on. They'd taken everything she'd ever wanted and didn't even seem to care and just when she'd resigned herself to the fact that they weren't the kind of person who cared about things or people and that's why they didn't love her (their own sister!) they went and proved her wrong. The worst part is that Orin is right. Vesper doesn't care. They could have, if things had been different. But they weren't.

Aunrae

The two of them have the smallest age gap, with Orin being only 2 to 3 years. However Aunrae comes to the temple younger and earlier than Vesper. When she arrives, Orin is no longer a child but has not yet reached her age of majority.

They're close in age and Aunrae (who grew up as the daughter of the matron of a Menzoberrezan drow house) is used to having lots of people around her - sisters, handmaids, and various other hangers on, then later on the surface Elinor's children - and quickly takes to Orin.

Aunrae is thrilled to have a sister. Some of her fondest memories were from the one year where she and her other sisters attended the lolthite priestess training together and acted much closer to one another than they actually were in order to project strength in front of the other houses. Aunrae treasured those moments of closeness, fake as they were, and they were among the few memories of her life in Menzoberrezan she treasured even after her escape to the surface.

She and Orin are very similar and get along very well. Over time, they truly grow to love one another as sisters. Between Orin's younger age at the time of her arrival and their warm relationship prevents the depth of resentment that Orin holds toward Vesper from ever forming here. Orin is Aunrae's second in command, her right hand woman, and beyond even that they're thick as thieves, each other's closest confidant.

Orin learns a great deal from Aunrae, grows by leaps and bounds. Sarevok resents it, sees her as taking away his little girl, the prodigy shaped in his image and turning her into something else. But neither of them care, they're both changing and learning and racing each other through the streets, laughing, seeing who can get the most kills in one night.

And therein lies the problem. Aunrae teaches and Orin learns and becomes a little more like her. Aunrae runs the cult like a drow house where she is the final and only authority, warmly imperious, family member and taskmaster both. She is fond of telling those who question her, "if you don't like what I'm doing either shut up or kill me." Orin attacks her not out of malice but because she feels that Aunrae is slipping, betraying both her and her own ideals, especially in her relationship with Gortash. Orin sees her as degrading herself, losing focus, becoming weak and vulnerable - and Sarevok, sensing discord, sensing a way to get back at the woman who stole his little lamb and laughed him out of the room when he told her that she would have his children, is there afterwards to pour poison in her ear and build new resentments out of things long forgotten.

Cyril

He's the youngest when he arrives at the temple and therefore Orin is also pretty young (these ages fit them so well - Vesper who is pretty content with being alone spends the longest time wandering before arriving at the temple, Aunrae tries to resist out of guilt but is drawn toward people like a moth to a flame in the end, and Cyril doesn't even bother resisting, he just runs straight for this new potential source of love he's entitled to). He and Orin have an intermediate age gap of around 6 to 8 years. Between that age gap, his urge kicking in comparatively early (a note on the timing of the Urges setting in - Bhaal waits for the perfect time, the exact moment where it will cause the most suffering), and him beelining straight to the temple, Orin is still a child when Cyril arrives.

He grew up with a bunch of sisters, older and younger both. Cyril knows what a sister is (less than him) and how to interact with one (tumultuous fights followed by making up without ever really apologizing). So it's very easy for him to go and recreate that relationship with Orin.

Since Orin is so much younger when he arrives and they have a much closer relationship she doesn't resent him the way she does Vesper. She loves him and also hates him because ugh, he's so annoying and he clearly thinks he's better than her because he's older but Cyril clearly thinks he's better than everyone and he also very clearly cares about her. He may not necessarily treat her well but he treats her differently than all the other riffraff. He treats her like she matters to him, and in some ways that's enough.

In the end, the way she turns on him is closer to an extention of one of their usual nasty fights more than anything else. Cyril isn't paying enough attention to her, too focused on that weird, stupid man and he's not listening to her and she doesn't feel special any more because he doesn't tell her everything out their plans. So it's part demand for attention, part desire to prove that she's good enough to know what's going on. It's also, just a little bit, about proving that she can be more, deserves to be more, than just his little sister.

[melisusthewee]

What's your favorite ship? FitoxMarcelo, EduardoxMarcelo or DanielxMarcelo (Daniel Fernández)? 👀👀👀

This answer isn't going to surprise anyone, but Fito/Marcelo.

My interactions with fanfic (both as a reader and a writer) is based primarily on the fictional versions of the individuals that we see in the LSDLN film (if you've ever been a part of either Band of Brothers or The Terror fandoms then you get it). So it's a bit complicated wherein yes, the more you read from other sources or learn more about the real events that make up the story and the real individuals (versus their fictional selves) that can definitely start to shape and inform things. Which is to say that LSDLN leans hard into meaningful looks between Fito and Marcelo and while it's probably primarily because Fito's role was arguably elevated to one of the lead characters (alongside Nando, Roberto, and Numa), I've said it before and I'll say it again...

Everyone involved knew exactly what they were doing.

Which is basically my defence whenever someone tells me "But Marcelo and Eduardo were best friends so that's the ship that makes more sense!" As if multishipping isn't a thing.

That is to say I think that the way the Strauches were written in the film (as a single character split into three parts) makes them all shippable with Marcelo especially because if you stop and think about how the three of them formed the leadership group after Marcelo's death they all kind of embody different aspects of Marcelo's leadership and I think that's a really interesting idea to explore.

Daniel/Marcelo: Everything I've read about Daniel as well as the way he's portrayed in the film, he and Marcelo were essentially polar opposites in terms of personality but not necessarily in a way that would be incompatible. I think there's a lot of potential to explore in terms of the responsibility both of them were very aware of having to weather - Marcelo being the team captain and the one who primarily organized the trip, and Daniel because he was the oldest of the survivors (aside from the Methols). To be honest, though, I've not really gotten into it very much? There was a fic once on AO3 that had some potential, but I think the author abandoned it after only a couple chapters, so in terms of pairings, I'm kind of still waiting to be sold on it.

Eduardo/Marcelo: If your favourite trope is childhood friends to lovers, then this is the ultimate pairing. Personally, I'm into it more as a platonic pairing, I think because writing it as a straightforward romance feels too much like I'm retreading an identical pairing from the Dragon Age fandom and I guess I just was looking for something different for a change? There also isn't a lot of film content to take from because of how little screentime Eduardo gets so most of the pairing content has to come from the books and memoirs and... I don't know, my feelings about it are strange and complicated and difficult to put into words. I think that their friendship was incredibly special and precious and because of that, I think that personally I prefer to write them as friends and explore the deep meaning of that connection. Though I admit I do sometimes kind of straddle the line with it, but I think I might even like it as one-sided or unrequited thanks to a fic I read once.

Fito/Marcelo: Okay, longing looks in the film aside, I think what drew me to this pairing initially is that Fito's someone who is always quietly observing people in a way that feels like he's trying to see deep into their core. And I feel like my observations about him were confirmed when he addressed Marcelo directly in his chapter of SotS (which surprised me!). Something I find interesting is that in his memoir, Eduardo talks about the change in Marcelo and the way he seemed to fall apart and how he saw the change in his friend and the way he was suffering but couldn't understand what had caused the change and therefore didn't know how to fix it. A friend of mine described Eduardo as being too close to Marcelo and while that meant he understood him probably better than anyone else, he also had a blindspot for him at the same time. Eduardo is so close he can't see the forest through the trees. While Fito had a little bit of distance and seems to have seen and understood or at least come to his own conclusion as to what was at the heart of Marcelo's despair on the mountain. I think they make very good foils for each other with Fito being the youngest of the three cousins but arguably taking on the most responsibility after Marcelo starts to wane as the leader. And he does it without any real complaint or resentment. So many times in the movie, you can tell from his expression that he disagrees with Marcelo's belief in rescue, but he never openly argues with him. It drives me crazy in the best way because to me it shows how much Fito understands the need for co-operation and that open argument and dissent is dangerous. With everything Marcelo went through and with everything he had to shoulder, I feel like Fito is the one who saw it and understood it the most.

(At the end of the day, though, the real answer is that Fito/Marcelo/Eduardo is a complicated OT3.)

[laikaflash]

Now that I'm halfway through Power of Three, I'm going to sum up my impressions thus far.

The Sight: The titular three that get said power(s) are all Firestar's grandkits, right? Right? This was spoiled for me almost 20 years in advance. Oops. I actually liked the set-up with Leafpool doting on them a lot, but most of the plot is the kits messing around. Graystripe and Millie come back, but not much comes of that and I just felt kind of cheated. I never was a fan of the reincarnated Cinderpaw, but that's the least of my problems. I can't say I was ever a fan of the premise of any of the cats having powers either. Between inter-Clan agitations and Jaypaw intruding on other cats' dreams, it's kind of a drag.

Dark River: Introduction of ancient cats of slightly different naming conventions, the stick, and not much else. It probably says something about the worldbuilding that the scratched stick was different enough for me to go like "Holy shit, is that material culture?" Also there was Lionpaw messing around in the... *drumroll*

Did you know Heatherpaw was Onestar's daughter? At what point was this even hinted? Nowhere! Turns out that's from Onestar's Confession. I can't even joke about this being a retread of Graystripe and Silverstream's relationship because they didn't do the "She's a rival clan leader's daughter, oh noes!" twist on purpose here. If it sounds like I'm getting bent out of shape over this one thing, rest assured that I'm pretty annoyed about Lionpaw himself at this point. Yeah, sure little guy, go learn fighting moves from the ghosts of a warlord and an eeeevil manipulator in the creepy dead forest. What's the worst that could happen?

Outcast: Oh finally, an explanation for why Stormfur and Brook are in ThunderClan... Erins, you want to tell me how the Tribe of Rushing Water, the cats that hunt eagles on the regular, can't hold their own against a bunch of rogues? It was one thing when it was a mountain lion wreaking havoc, but really...? For the life of me, I couldn't tell you what the rogues' motive was beyond "The Tribe was in our way. Fuck 'em". I legit lost my patience when the plot stopped dead in its tracks for the clan cats to run into Purdy again. It's the authors shrugging and going "Hey, remember those characters from the last arc?" I do, and I'm disappointed. I don't like this word, but I can't describe as anything other than a nothingburger.

[hydrospanners]

a dimming star

New Jedi recruit Nirea Velaran grapples with her losses on the way to a new life and an old war. SWTOR. Genfic. Jedi Knight Backstory. Grief & Angst. 550 words. AO3.

turhaya: old corellian for 'bright star'

Rea braids her hair.

  Over, under, through. Her fingers are clumsy with inexperience. Over, under, through. Rhese is supposed to do this for her. Rhese or Liss or Ranna. Sometimes Deerin.

  Deerin.

 His blood is dried in the tangles of her hair. She can feel it, tacky and stiff beneath her fingers. She still thinks she sees it sometimes, crusted in the beds of her nails and the creases of her knuckles.

  Over, under, through. Wisps of hair slip from the curve of every loop she makes. They’re all irregular, too fat or too thin or too loose or too tight. Over, under, through. A sloppy braid isn’t the kind of thing she would normally care about, but what else does she have now?

 Rea stares at the clean, blank walls of her new prison. At the neatly pressed robes lying folded and untouched on the desk. At the sleek, unadorned hilt of the lightsaber lying next to them.

 This is her life now. Over, under, through. Empty and clean. Over, under, through. Straight lines and silence. Over, under, through.

 The quiet bothers her the most. The stillness. The hyperdrive she can’t hear humming and the vibrations she can’t feel in the plating beneath her feet. The yawning, hollow void where warm voices and laughter ought to be.

  Deerin . Rea sees his face so clearly in her memory, swollen and red, battered almost beyond recognition. Her hand tingles with memory of his bones breaking beneath it; her ears ring with the dull crunching sound. Over, under, through.

 Why did he do it? When had his love turned to hate? Why hadn’t she noticed? Had he just hated them all along? Was none of it ever real?

  Over, under, through.

 She tries to feel sorry for what she did, but she can’t. Over, under, through. She doesn’t feel angry anymore either. Over, under, through. She doesn’t feel anything at all.

 A perfect Jedi already.

 She hopes it’s everything Rhese dreamed it would be. She hopes he’s sleeping peacefully in a little cot with scratchy sheets at some enclave far away from anywhere that matters. She hopes he’s healing and learning and reading histories and meditating in waterfalls. She hopes he’s safe. She hopes he’s happy.

 Marefka will only say that he isn’t suited for the front lines. That he isn’t like her.

 Rea has never been more grateful for that.

 She twists the final knot in the braid—over, under, through—pinching the frayed ends between her fingers. She looks at herself in the small mirror. At the fading bruises on her face and wrists, at the places where she can still feel how the blood had gathered at her temple, at the corners of her mouth. At the sharp edge of her father’s cheekbones and the hard line of his jaw. At the cool blue of her mother’s eyes. At the braid of long, dark hair swept over her shoulder just like Ranna’s.

 Like Ranna’s used to be.

 It’s funny how nothing can feel like so much something. How loud the silence can be in the space where a voice is supposed to go. Take care of your brother, Turhaya. You’re all he’s got.

 Rea tugs the loops of the braids loose and starts again.

  Over, under, through.

[armory-rasa]

Thorin boot caps, start to finish

I’d made the pattern for his boot caps available in my shop, but unlike my other pattern packages, it didn’t come with instructions on how to make them. So, here is me fixing that with a quick step-by-step tutorial. :)

Step one, print your pattern, trace it out (twice) onto 10 oz veg-tan:

(The reason that leather is an odd shape is because it was a discarded panel from the Witcher armor. Waste not, want not, I suppose. 🤣)

Cut it out; you can use a utility knife or an exacto knife for this:

Case it, aka dunk it in water a bit until it softens up:

Then you’ll probably want to put it in a plastic bag or something overnight, so that the water can evenly permeate the leather. I wrote a whooooooole big thing on proper casing that’s much too long to retread here, but is worth a read if you’re trying to git gud at leather tooling.

When the leather is well cased, take a stylus (or a ballpoint pen) and trace the design from your pattern piece. The leather should darken where you’ve indented it, an effect called burnishing, that makes your traced design very easy to see:

(And if your design isn’t burnishing well, that’s usually a tip-off that your leather is still much too wet.)

The next step is to use a swivel knife to go over all the lines you traced. I actually forgot to take a picture of this step, but digging around on my computer turned up a very old WIP photo from the same project, showing the carved lines next to the traced lines:

If you haven’t used a swivel knife before, I strongly advise doing a lot of practice on scrap leather before you attempt it on your project -- it’s unintuitive for people who aren’t used to it, and in my opinion it is one of the hardest leatherworking tools to master. On the plus side: this project is entirely straight lines, which makes it much easier.

Once you’ve got your cutlines made, you are going to bevel every single one of them -- outward from the design, inward from the edges of the piece.

It looks kind of complicated at a glance, but technically speaking it’s very simple, since all you’re doing is bevelling. You can do almost the entire thing with a single stamp, a wide checkered beveller (Craftool B971, if you’re buying from Tandy Leather), and switch to a narrower beveller (what’s shown here is a Barry King tool; the closest Craftool equivalent would probably be B936) for getting into a couple of tight crannies.

When your tooling is done, you’ll want to put some texturing on the overall piece, because that will make it look better when it comes time to paint it. I have a mallet I made for exactly this purpose, a cheapo rubber mallet that I pockmarked with a dremel, but you can literally just go outside and find a rock for this step:

Take a rivet hole punch (~2 mm) and punch the holes as shown: 

(Or punch different holes -- this is going to be how you attach them to your shoes, and there are a lot of different ways you could go about that.)

Take your edge beveller and round off the sharp square edges (you’ll do this on both the top side and the underside), as shown below:

Punch stitching holes as shown. If you don’t have one of these punches, you can poke the holes with with an awl instead, it’ll just be slower.

Take your knife again and carefully cut at a 45 degree angle from the top of your stitching holes to the edge of the leather. This is what is going to allow them to come together to form a tidy right angle:

Mark the lines where it’s going to fold, and do something similar there. The key is that we’re removing material to make it easier to bend the leather, and make for sharper angles in the folds.

Time to dye! For this (and other armor pieces that get gilded afterward) I use Eco-Flo Waterstain in black. Leave the angled edges you cut undyed, because that will help them adhere better when it comes time to glue:

And before you leave them to dry, pre-fold them into the final shape you want -- it will put less strain on the glue, and folding leather after it’s dry can cause it to crack.

When the dye is dry, apply contact cement to the angled edges:

Wait 15~20 minutes for the contact cement to set, and then firmly press the edges together, being careful to have them correctly aligned before you do. (Because you only get one shot with contact cement, and if you set it crooked, you’ll have to pry them apart, scrub the glue off, and try again.)

Time to stitch up the corners, because glue is almost never meant to be the ONLY thing holding leather together. Start like so, with 12″ of waxed black thread and two blunt needles:

And then you just kinda.... sew up the line. I’m not sure how to explain it, just stick needles in holes in a way that makes sense.

From the outside:

From the inside:

Then tie off a knot with your loose ends, and clip them down to like 3/4″. With the tie-off at the top rather than the bottom, it’s not likely to come loose because there’s no strain being put on it at that point.

Then, because those glued-together edges are currently very ugly, you’ll want to take them down with some sandpaper, or a knife if you’ve got a steady hand. I use the sanding drum on a dremel, to make them level and smooth them out:

And then you’ll need to hit those edges with another quick coat of the black dye, and buff them smooth, which I also forgot to take a picture of. Fortunately this step is easy: edges are undyed, so dye them.

Very last step is to put the metal color on them. In all the reference pics they look like a very muddy bronze, and I found a great mimic for that in Rub n Buff’s “Spanish Copper.”

It’s very simple to apply, you just coat your finger with a very small amount of it, and then dab/rub it lightly over your surface. It gilds the raised areas without getting into the crevices, which does a brilliant job bringing out the textural detail in your work.

That said, if you don’t have that product and don’t want to acquire it, you can dry-brush it with your acrylic paint of choice.

And then you’re done -- le voila, Thorin boot caps!

[journal-of-an-outlaw]

Price to be Paid - Chapter 29

Read on AO3 here

“Are we in the business of revenge now?” You asked Hosea, standing on the balcony as Dutch and Arthur retreaded into the house. 

“He better be right about this one, YN. I’m worried.”

Hosea simply sighed and covered his face with his hands while he took a deep breath. He gave you a sad smile and followed the two other men while you fought against the burn raging deep inside. How was Arthur okay with this? Getting back for a setup by plotting a murder?

The whole thing made your stomach turn. 

You entered the house and listened trying to locate Arthur. He and Dutch couldn't have gone far in the few minutes since you had been with them but no sounds carried to you outside of the normal creaks of the wood and buzz of the bugs. You closed your eyes and took it all in before letting out a huff and heading to the front of the house. 

“Arthur!” You called out. 

He turned and motioned to Dutch before heading back to you. “You need something?”

“Yes,” you put your hands on your hips. “What in the hell was all that?”

Arthur steered you to the side of the house with a gentle hand that stayed in place on your arm after you stopped. You watched him think as he opened and closed his mouth before speaking. His eyebrows pulled together and he sighed.

“This ain’t Dutch. Or rather, those decisions aren’t him, something’s happened. All that talk up there felt like him but the words were off. I think I can help him. I’m hoping...well, maybe he’ll listen to me even if Hosea couldn't get through to him. But I’m not leaving him alone.”

You weren’t sure if Arthur was pleading with you or himself, but his eyes showed how desperately he wanted to help the man who raised him, who shaped him into the person standing before you at that moment. The goodness in Arthur had been foreign to Dutch who was more used to the language of manipulation. The words rolled off his tongue with harsh stops and pauses, leaving Arthur to wonder if something was wrong in his heart as a child. You could tell this was weighing on him and you took his hands in yours, staring into the eyes that needed guidance in such a task. 

“YN...I need to do this. I need to prove that I can be there for Dutch when he needs me most.”

“Who are you doing this for?” you whispered softly. “For Dutch? Or for yourself?”

Arthur looked confused. “No one but him.”

“You know I’ll support you no matter what Arthur, that’s what this ring means. But there is one condition to this plan of yours.”

A laugh broke through his lips as he replied. “And what’s that?”

“I’m coming with you.”

Dutch protested when you and Arthur told him the change in plans, mumbling something about too many people rocking the boat, but finally gave in once he realized Arthur would not tell you no. 

You spent your time lately watching Dutch around camp. His movements, his interactions, his manner of holding himself when he thought no one else was looking. Folks seemed to hold him to the same standards; a fearless leader who could sweet talk his way out of any scrape and a man who inspired the hopeless to walk another mile through the desert for water. It was a lot of weight for one person to carry, and was obvious when the balance tipped one way or the other. Dutch was still wip smart, of that there was no change. But sometimes you worried that your secret was one of those things that would slip out and ruin everything you had worked so hard for. 

The fear of your father finding you circled in your mind almost always. It had been so long he had become a characterture when you thought of him, Andrew Milton. The yellow teeth sneer, the shimmering forehead of sweat, and the beady black eyes. Although you knew that wasn’t true. Every time you looked into a mirror his eyes stared back at you. A terrible dark reminder that part of you would always belong to him. 

Your trio set off to see a man about a boat. Dutch met a man named Thomas who lived in a small swampy settlement called Lagras just north of Saint Denis. By the time you arrived it was dark and foggy, the perfect setting for the nefarious plan Dutch himself had devised. 

He wanted this boat so that he could sneak up on Bronte. The canal running behind his mansion provided the perfect opportunity to sneak in without being seen and allowing for an easy escape. That was of course if things all went as planned.

Arthur had tried talking to Dutch on the way up about his motives for moving on Bronte but the conversation had steered into an opportunity for Dutch to thank Arthur for picking his side against Hosea. It caught you off guard to hear that and Arthur was even quiet for a few minutes before speaking again. 

Dutch made a point to show he was supporting twenty people here while also planning for their escape and life in a new country. Your eyes darted to Arthur at these words, knowing that Dutch should be planning for two less in his count but neither of you wanted to face that conversation yet. Talk of the future only churned your stomach more, especially when Dutch brought up Micah. 

“We need to move, and soon. Haven’t I made that clear?” Dutch sputtered. “I feel like I’m going in circles with all of you! Micah is the only one left with any loyalty.”

“Now that ain’t true and you know it!” 

“You are talking like John. I swear that woman is poisoning him against me. I know what it looks like, I’ve seen it before.” The glance Dutch gave you when he spoke was not missed by Arthur or yourself. 

“Abigail ain’t poisoning John, Dutch,” you replied flatly. “She’s a good woman.”

“What’s the problem here? You think Micah would question going after Bronte? No! He’d say, let’s go!”

“That’s the problem, Dutch!” Arthur was nearly yelling. The conversation had taken a darker turn and you rode behind the two as they argued. “I’m here, ain’t I? I’ve been at your side for twenty years!”

Arthur sat up straight as an arrow, chest heaving and eyes narrowed down small. From your spot in the back you could tell just how agitated he really was about the accusations Dutch was throwing around, seemingly planned and thought out before. 

“I know! I...I...I’m sorry, son. ” The older man’s voice quickly melted from barely contained rage into something softer. His eyes relaxed, but he still looked worried. “It’s just the endless debate about everything is wearing me down. The others I can take. But when you’re not behind me, it hurts.”

Dutch was good, you’d give him that. He actually sounded wounded at the thought of Arthur abandoning him and put on a good show but something in your gut told you it was all for show. All of this bravado was to make sure in the end Dutch still came out ahead, no matter the cost. 

Arthur sighed. “I’m behind you.”

“Blackwater.” The name jerked your head up. “Valentine. Rhodes. Sean. Kieran. I promise none of it will be in vain. We are going to make it.”

“I know we will.”

Arthur cast a glance back at you and was surprised to find your eyebrows close together, an angry look on your face. You didn’t notice how long he stared trying to find the source of your resentment and somehow knowing without wanting to acknowledge it. 

“Here we are. Let me do the talking you two,” Dutch said quietly as he swung down from his horse. 

Eclipse huffed at the new area of swap. The air hung hot and sticky around you, your hand doing little to fan away the swarm of bugs that descended as you made your way down an old forgotten path. Small huts lined the banks of the river but looked like they had been there as long as time itself and folks that moved away from your line of sight just as soon as you saw them. One man stayed put, moving something around on his porch. 

“Thomas! It is good to see you my friend.”

Dutch shook the hand of the man on the porch enthusiastically, excited for the endeavor you were setting out on. The man smiled and responded in kind. 

“Hello, Mr. Dutch. I see you brought more friends with you.”

Reluctantly Dutch introduced you after Arthur. “Thomas is quite the boatman, he’s going to help us get close to our prey. The other night we had an adventure fishing for catfish. Now, my friend, can I call in that favor?”

Thomas didn’t hesitate in the slightest. “What do you need?”

“You know Angelo Bronte?” The question hung heavy as the humidity in the air. Everyone knew the man who ran Saint Denis. Thomas spit as an answer. “Exactly. We need to make a...social call. We were hoping you cold row us in quietly one evening around the back of his house.”

“Well,” Thomas huffed. “If anyone can, I can. And don’t worry about payment, if you’re bringing him trouble it won’t be no trouble for me. My business partner Jules is out on the skiff. I’ll need to check with him, and check the traps. Would you come with me?”

“‘Course. Although, perhaps the lady would be more comfortable staying on the shore?” Dutch suggested. 

You ground your teeth. “The lady is going with you and can speak for herself.”

Thomas lead the four of you down and out on the marsh to look for Jules, warning that large gators lived in the area and would bite if provoked. You moved closer to Arthur and grabbed the back of his arm, listening as he chuckled. 

“You ain’t scared?” You asked. 

Arthur looked back to see if you were serious. “Darlin, I’ve met plenty of  gators. Most of them were wearing slick, fancy suits at the time but this’ll be nothing. Just stay close behind me.”

A whine escaped your lips as your boots slipped in the mud and Thomas called out to watch where you stepped. He suggested staying on the high ground although it all looked the same to you. 

“What are we checking for, Thomas?” Dutch asked. 

“Crayfish! Got a couple of traps up ahead here. Mr. Dutch, you keep a look out for company with the lady on shore, Mr. Arthur? Come with me and check the traps.” 

Arthur marched further into the mud as your heart clenched tightly with nerves. You wrang your hands as the water rose to his hips while he reached down to feel for the trap. He called out it was empty and Thomas took off towards the next set. It was on another plot of land through the water and you hesitated at the edge of the water. Something splashed about five feet to your right and you jogged through the thick water to catch up to Arthur and the others.

“I can see why evening swamp wading hasn’t caught on as a pastime!” Dutch joked. 

Thomas raised his lantern and smiled. “I love it out here. Peaceful. Nobody bothering you none. ‘Cept for the Night Folks sometimes.”

“The Night Folk?” Your heart raced through your chest as the water rose higher with each step. Arthur and the others were a few inches taller and it wasn’t long before your chest was almost submerged in the murky green river. 

“Yeah, some strange people round these parts. Wilder than the animals, they are.”

Arthur turned at the pressure of you gripping his shoulder and raised his eyebrows in alarm. While the water rose halfway up his chest, it was now over your shoulders and you fought the need to swim. 

“How much further to those next traps, Thomas?” He called out as he pulled you in close to his side. 

“Should be right about here, on that small island up ahead. I don’t know what’s taking Jules so long with that boat.” It sounded ominous as Thomas glanced around the swamp. The night engulfed this place so fully you could barely see ten feet ahead of you. 

“Arthur!” You whispered against his chest. “Something touched my leg, oh god.” He rubbed your arm, knowing it was just about all he could do to keep you comforted while out on the island looking for crayfish. 

“Don’t worry Ms. YN, there’s a shortcut back by land. You can take that, the rest of us’ll go look for Jules. He should have been here with that boat by now.” You were conflicted about leaving Arthur in the water but he gave you an encouraging push towards the path as Thomas pulled out the trap from the mud. He muttered something about what had broken the trap but it was too quiet to hear as you made your way back through the swamp. 

Arthur walked with you as you wove your way through the trees in search of the building where Thomas lived, avoiding slippery spots and keeping you upright. The tightness in your chest never left and you knew it would stay until you were safely riding away back to camp. 

“Help!”

Arthur paused. “You hear that?”

“Not Dutch or Thomas, must be Jules,” you thought out loud. 

“Where you at son?”

“In the tree!” Arthur waded back into the water and you groaned, knowing your one sense of security left. He listened and moved around until he found the man hiding. 

“What’re you doing up there?”

“There’s a monster. A monster! Massive, it nearly ate me.”

“Well,” Arthur looked around. “Where is it then?”

Jules threw a hand out. “Out there. A big gator, biggest I ever saw! And nasty!”

Arthur sighed. Jules pointed to where he had left the boat and it wasn’t too far from your spot. You paused before pushing it off the shore and climbing in, knowing you were dooming yourself one way or another. Dutch and Thomas emerged from the shadows and climbed into the skiff. The tension in your heart lessened a little knowing all of you were at least safe. 

Thomas and Jules chatted as they rowed the boat back. You introduced yourself and Arthur, Dutch spoke for himself and he gave you a warm smile. Just as the boat made its way through a group a trees the skiff crashed into something in the water, knocking everyone sideways. 

“I think we hit a tree stump. Go on and push us free, boy,” Thomas told Jules. 

The man sat still with terror. “Me? This is a bad idea…” but he jumped in nonetheless. Jules unwound the rope at the front of the skiff and moved through the water, pulling as hard as he could. Thomas called out encouraging words through the fog and you gripped the wooden seat below you until your knuckles turned white. The thought of what could grab Jules haunted you. 

As the boat moved free of the stump Jules hollered and quickly wound the rope up to climb back in. Half way to the skiff he froze, his eyes going big. Just as he let out a scream he was pulled underwater by something and the surface of the river went still. 

“Jules!” Thomas yelled in disbelief. “I’m going in.”

“No! We can’t lose the boat.” Dutch looked between you. “Arthur’ll go.”

“I will?!”

“Quick!”

Arthur muttered under his breath and jumped into the river, ignoring your calls to come back. Jules’ voice echoed around the swamp as he broke the surface of the water and cried out in pain from whatever had attacked him. 

“Dutch what are you doing!?” You nearly screamed. “Is losing Arthur really worth it to get your revenge?” 

“Quite!” Dutch dismissed you. “He will be fine, you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Your grip on the edge of the boat was so strong you were sure the wood would bend beneath your fingers. Arthur’s figure faded out of view and you called out to him but the only answers were Jules’ cries. 

“It got my leg!” 

“Arthur!” The desperation was obvious in your voice. 

“I got you, Dutch I found him!” 

“Come back, for the love of god get back in this boat!”

Poor Jules moaned as Arthur hoisted him over his shoulder and tried his best to run through the chest high water. He hushed the injured man so he could navigate his way through the swamp back to the boat but the trail of blood following them was ominous, and made your stomach ache and heart pound faster than it was before. 

“Fire off a couple of warning shots to pretend you care!” Arthur yelled. Dutch pulled out his pistol and fired into the sky, scanning the waters for any lurking eyes. 

Dutch pushed past you to reach out to Arthur. “Quick! Give me the boy.”

Thomas joined the other man and together they pulled Jules over the side of the boat. He was still moaning away but both of his legs were there, one badly injured. You ripped his shirt and tied it above Juels’ knee to help calm the bleeding, muttering over and over that he would be okay. 

“Jesus, look at the size of that thing!” Thomas called while aiming for the water. You squinted and the largest alligator you had ever seen slithered through the smooth water, headed straight for the boat. Arthur climbed in next to you and helped apply pressure to the wounds. 

“Guess all them stories were true. BIg and mad…that’s unusual. Normally the little ones is angry, big ones is lazy,” Thomas spoke as he rowed the boat towards his home. 

Dutch clapped Arthur on his shoulder. “Well, guess he never outgrew his anger. Kinda reminds me of you Arthur.”

“You know, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you squeal before Dutch,” Arthur joked. 

The men talked and joked to lighten the mood as the boat pulled into shore where a group was waiting. At Thomas’ request they pulled Jules to safety and began to tend to his injury, and you earnestly looked after him with fear. While inside you were boiling with rage you tried to hide it as worry for the poor bitten poor. 

After Dutch offered you his hand out of the boat you stood on the dock watching Arthur with hard eyes. The older man pulled out a cigar and ilt it, puffing the smoke slowly. 

“Gentlemen, and lady,” Thomas tipped his hat to you. “I am at your service any time. Just meet me back here. I’ll be here.”

The older man asked you and Arthur to help get his boat tied up and safe while Dutch complained loudly that he would be heading straight back to camp. Something about Molly being a thorn in his side. You bit back a response and simply nodded at his departure. 

As he left he called out one thing, “I’ll go get the boys, meet you back here tomorrow night Arthur!”

Your hands balled into fists at your sides as Dutch rode out of camp. As you turned to express your unhappiness to Arthur as colorful as you coud, Thomas spoke. 

“Mr. Arthur. Old Bronte, he’s a bad man. Killed some good folks, hurt a lot of people.”

The sentence hit you harder than you thought, and suddenly your anger dissipated into the fog as you watched Thomas. Here was a man who simply wanted to live his life; but even he felt the damage that had spread from Bronte’s power and you knew unseating him would be the only way to let them be free. 

“Arthur…” 

You felt small. The swamp surged around you with a heartbeat and you wrapped your arms around yourself to hold onto something real. Why did you feel so out of control? Everything was slipping away. Dutch had his claws too deep into Arthur, and everyone at camp for that matter. How were you supposed to build a life if the ground you stood on was crumbling before you?

“YN? Darling? What’s going on in that head?” Arthur tried to get your attention. 

“I...I feel like we’re losing, look at what’s going on around us. Dutch, the gang? Even you? Arthur I’m scared. What does this mean for us?” 

A sigh. Closed eyes. Then a smile. 

“Darling, there isn’t anything I wouldn't do for you. You know that, right? And I mean anything. You are the missing piece from my life that I’ve wanted for so long, you fought and proved to me exactly what you could be. I love you, YN, Now tell me what’s going on in that head of yours?”

It was on the tip of your tongue. Just tell him. Tell him who your father was and why your whole life was hanging on by a single thread from all sides. That every step was as precious as it was cautious but you still couldn't win. 

“I’m so worried about it all. Dutch. Hosea. You. Arthur you changed my life, I wouldn't be here without you. You...you are my rock,” you could feel tears burn but you pushed them away. Arthur swept you into a hug instantly, holding you close and tight. 

“We’ll get through it. Together. I know we will,” Arthur said with a kiss to your forehead. “Whatever it is.”

“I told Dutch that you would head back to camp. Avoid all this...mess.”

Thomas was discussing what Tahiti was like with Dutch; how kings were dealt with, not made, and what paradise looked like to the common man. Lenny, Bill, and John stood with the older man on the dock and readied themselves to float down the river. 

“It’s not the mess I’m worried about,” you glanced over from your spot on top of Eclipse. “It’s...well we can discuss it later. Just promise me you’ll be safe. No going out of your way for Dutch.”

“Cross my heart,” Arthur mimicked the sentiment over his chest. 

Part of him looked excited for the battle. The hunt lay ahead of him, all he had to do was follow the laws of nature. It was to be expected, you knew you couldn't fight it. 

“Arthur! Are you coming or not, son?” Dutch called from the boat. 

The men yelled to Arthur to come join them and you knew he was torn. With a fake smile and a kiss you sent him off, riding away from the sound as fast as you could. You were conflicted to hear them jeer and know they were celebrating the murder of a man who stood in their way, but it was easier to ignore if you weren’t in the vicinity. After a few moments the only sound you heard was Eclipse’s hooves clopping along the wooden pathway, and you fought back the urge to grab Arthur and even Lenny out of that boat. The boy was only twenty years old, he had no sense of right and wrong, only what he wanted to do or not. When you voiced your opinion Lenny had hesitated, but ultimately wanted to prove his worth and you couldn't blame him for that. 

Nothing was going the way you thought it would. Your father was hot on your trail, Dutch still had his reach deep into Arthur’s heart and that troubled you to a point you didn’t want to acknowledge. Dutch was slowly slipping into another person from the man you once knew, and throughout this storm you knew your own image was starting to shift as well. Holding onto yourself was getting harder with each passing day as the decisions you made no longer resembled who you used to be. 

So much had changed over the past year. 

Your path took you through windy dirt roads across the swamp until you felt like you were going in circles. Bird and small animals called to one another all around you like a choir, raising their voices together to create something you couldn't quite understand and were about to give up hope when ahead you saw the smokestacks of the factories in Saint Denis. Relief flooded your heart and you rode through the last bit of swamp to make it out into the cooler air. 

The bustle of the city always made you smile. Arthur hated it, thought civilization should be freedom in its purest form, but there was a simple elegance in your mind that people wanted to live together; to create and share and grow together. 

Of course along with that were negatives, but for the time being you wanted to focus on what good you could hold. 

“Try again, please, read…” 

Across the street was a small, rundown church that was in much need of repair. Outside sat three students and two members of the church, one you recognized at Brother Dorkins from outside the pawn shop. After looping Eclipse’s reins to a post, you walked over to watch the scene. Brother Dorkins was joined by a colleague you didn’t know, a woman, who was leading the lesson. 

“M...w...m…”

“Warm! You’ll get it! Keep trying.” The young man holding the book looked up at the Sister hopelessly, like he would never learn to read. She smiled. “It’s like swimming. It takes time, but then it is easy and the whole world opens up to you.”

“I hate this, it’s too hard!”

The Sister sighed. “Take your time.”

She was a bit older, and had a slight kick to her, but the Sister was clearly a person full of kindness and compassion. Even in the baking sun the group looked to her for guidance. Full black sleeves enveloped her arms as she pointed at spots in the book for the boys to try again. 

“God dammit, what does this even mean?”

“Don’t you know you can’t swear on sacred ground? I thought that went beyond reading,” you piped up. Brother Dorkins jumped to his feet to greet you and you smiled warmly back. He ushered you over to sit next to him on the bench but you stayed standing, your legs needing the stretch after the long ride. The Sister looked up at you and pulled her eyebrows together and Brother Dorkins smiled and assured her you were fine. 

“Don’t worry,” Sister Calderón continued with her lesson. “You know the letters, you know the sounds. You’re nearly there.”

“Ah, I ain’t got a use for stupid books.”

“I don’t have any use for stupid books,” Brother Dorkins corrected. 

“If you ain’t why you making us do it?” The man asked, annoyed. You covered a laugh while the Brother tried to explain himself. 

The Sister clicked her tongue and stood to greet you after chastising the boys. “Sister, this is the friend I told you about, Miss Moore.”

“Oh!” Her eyes lit up with recognition. “Ma’am, Brother Dorkins told me about the wonderful thing you did.”

“It was mostly my friend, Charles, but thank you.”

“Ah, shy to praise, like our Mr. Morgan.”

“You know Arthur?” You felt your eyebrows raise to your hairline. “Arthur Morgan? My fiance?”

Sister Calderón’s eyes lit up at your words but the joy was short lived. One of the boys on the porch shoved past her and took off on foot down the street, something stolen in his hands. 

“Hey! Stop!”

“Brother Dorkins, I can run him down on my horse. Wait here!” You hollered over your shoulder. As fast as you could you mounted Eclipse and rode off. 

“Don’t hurt him, please!” Sister Calderón called after you as Eclipse tore down the road. “Meet us at the cathedral!”

“Kids,” you muttered under your breath. The boy darted left and right, dodging carriages and people, making it hard to keep up on a horse. Eclipse’s hooves echoed off the brick walls as you ran through the crowds as fast as you could. He was quick; jumping carts and pushing into crowds. The market place was directly ahead and you knew your horse would never fit so you jumped down and ran after him yourself. 

As you rounded a corner the street before you was empty. Not a sound gave away where he could be hiding and you held your breath to see if there were any signs. After only a moment, a grunt gave him away. 

“Where’s my watch you thief?”

Rounding the corner you found him. Completely out of air, you ran to save the kid. An older man had him pinned against the wall by his shoulders. 

“I don’t know nothing about no damn watch!”

“Last Saturday, I saw it with my own eyes -”

“Hey, leave the kid alone there. He’s with me,” you panted, leaning against the wall. 

“Leave him alone? Not a chance! He’s a thief, he is,” the man argued. 

You straightened up and did your best to make yourself as big as possible. “I can hit a lot harder than it looks like, and I’ll make all kinds of trouble.”

“Fine,” the man shoved the kid one last time. “It’s not worth it with the law coming down on me.”

As he walked down the road you held the gaze of the young boy. His eyes looked left and right trying his best to avoid you. 

“What did you take then?”

It was gentle, but firm. The knowing voice of a woman. After a deep sigh the boy pulled a crucifix out of his pocket and handed it over slowly. 

“Just thought...it would get me something nice.”

The sad eyes did you in. You forked over a few dollars and held the boy’s hand as he took it. “This is for food. And shelter. This town won’t give you much but that doesn’t mean you’re not worth it. Sometimes fighting is the only way to get by.”

Eclipse came as you whistled and watched the boy run off. You shook your head, hoping his future was brighter than his present. 

“Hey, you want some company mister?” 

The sultry voice came from the shadow of the corner. Never before had someone mistaken you for a man in your jeans and vest but you could see how your figure was hidden in the folds of fabric. You walked over to find the voice mostly out of curiosity. 

“Not too sure you want my company,” you laughed. 

The woman looked up at you shocked, pushing her gown over her knee in embarrassment. Something about her was familiar, under that makeup, you knew her face…

“Mrs. Downes?”

The words spit out of you, more of a verbalized realization than a question. She looked shocked, moving away from the wall with eyes darting for an escape. Full of panic and something you couldn't quite place she looked like a cornered animal. 

“You...you’re that, that bitch that came to beat my husband!”

“We didn’t beat him, I would never -” 

“Stay away from me!” She pushed past you and ran into the street. “He’s gone because of you! Help! This woman is bothering me, officer please!”

You took that as your cue to leave and nearly jumped into the saddle. Eclipse rode by as Mrs. Downes spat at her hooves, calling one last thing that rang in your ears. 

“Someday soon you’ll know my pain!”

It was a strange thing to hear coming from a woman who appeared to be living on the streets. Maybe she just meant the pain of falling, of losing everything you held dear living in a place like Valentine. It was a charming town, before the Van der Linde gang shot it up in that fight. But you did know pain, and what it was like to leave the place you once called home. You pulled your arms a little tighter around yourself to fight off the eerie feeling that settled over you. 

You rode through the streets to try and find the cathedral Sister Calderón had mentioned. It was a big city, larger now that you had no center, and it took nearly an hour to cross it and arrive at the religious building. You were shocked you hadn’t seen it before, in the midday sun it was truly beautiful. Steep, staggering towers stretched up nearly four stories and showed off stained glass scenes tinted by the layer of dust. Outside was a small garden for walking and reflection, filled with flowers of all colors. 

Sister Calderón stood near the steps with a man in long balck robes nodding along as she spoke. “Everyday it’s a new challenge, Father. When I was younger, those challenges used to frustrate me.” 

You paused before approaching but Sister Calderón greeted you warmly. 

“I got your cross Sister. And, before you ask, the boy is fine. Maybe a little dirty from running, but generally what you would call healthy.”

“Brother Dorkins was right, you are the most wonderful woman.” You beamed at the compliment you didn’t feel like you earned. “I know it’s silly, but my mother gave me this cross when I was just a novice shortly before she passed.”

“That doesn’t sound silly, Sister,” you nodded as the Father took his leave, “Sometimes things hold weight we didn’t know they could bear.”

“So profound!” Sister Calderón praised. She started walking through the garden and you followed next to her. “I have met your man Arthur Morgan a few times, and I must say you two go well together. He is also one for knowing weight even when it isn’t there.”

“He’s something else, isn’t he?” You hesitated before speaking, never really one for religion but continued on anyway. “I’m worried about him, Sister. I think...he may be headed down a bad path and I don’t know how to help him.”

“Ah, the path is hard to fight, isn’t it?” She watched you thoughtfully. “It is sometimes one we walk alone, even when others stand there with us. I know him to be a good man, though he may not see it himself, he often deflects the words he hears from me. Maybe he will listen to you, I see the love when you worry about him.”

“I do love him, he changed my life in so many ways and I am very lucky to know him. But you’re right, worrying about someone like that won’t help.”

Sister Calderón stopped you before a beautiful bloom and took it gently into her hands. “See, the flower knows its way. Sometimes it gets stuck and has to change but it always goes up to the sun. Your Arthur is making his way, as are you, but maybe a curve has been made that makes it seem like your progress is lost. But fear not, my child, it is not.”

The words resonated with you more than you cared to show, even if you the Sister saw right through you. Tears pooled at the edges of your eyes and you wiped them away hastily, trying to take in the beauty of the setting sun around the cathedral. 

“Does Arthur come here often?”

Sister Calderón thought. “Maybe once a week. Rides by and asks if there’s anything he can do. He helps patch the roof, feed the children, things like that. Then rides off as if he didn’t try to save their lives.”

You had no idea. All the hours he spent looking out for others only made you love him more. 

“Well, my dear, it is getting late so I should head home. Tell Arthur I send my best,” the Sister gave you a chaste hug and watched you leave, happy to have finally met you. 

You took your time on the ride back. It was that beautiful color of gold out where everything was masked in a stunning effect that made even the most sinister alligator look like a friendly guide. People passed by you on the street, but the further you rode away from town the less you saw. Night settled down and the fireflies emerged to light the way. 

“Who’s there!”

“Just me, Javier.” You called out. 

Eclipse knew her spot in line among the other horses and for a sad moment you looked around for Kieran. From the fire Sean’s laughter rang out at something Karen whispered to him and you smiled, remembering to be happy with what was left. 

At the sound of your voice Arthur emerged from Shady Belle, searching for you. He looked bad. Haunted. His clothes were covered in a mixture of dirt and blood and your stomach dropped at the thought of it being his. The way his hand gripped the railing told you something was wrong and you ran the last few steps to hold his arm.

“Arthur are you okay?”

The look he gave you spoke volumes and the obvious answer was no. But it didn’t seem to be his blood, so you had to assume something else had affected him so badly. 

“Hey, talk to me. What’s going on?”

As an answer he shook his head but took your hand in his firmly, moving back through the house and out to the small gazebo along the water’s edge. He sat across from you, running his hands over his face as he thought. 

“I knew...well, thought I did. I knew he was talking about murder, but I didn’t think..”

“Dutch?” Arthur nodded. “Is Bronte…?”

“Dead as a doornail. I don’t envy him.”

You rubbed your thumb along Arthur’s palm to try and calm him. “Walk me through what happened after I left you at the dock.”

“Well, we rode up on the boat as planned and snuck into the yard. Dutch had us take out all the guards, taunting Bronte to try and lure him out. There were lots of them. In the yard, in the house. No shortage of men his money could buy.”

Arthur paused and you continued squeezing his hand, letting him know you were listening. 

“That sounds pretty normal so far. Bloody, but normal,” you prompted. 

“Yeah. Guess so.” He sighed. “We found him hiding up in the bedroom trying to bribe John and I. Lenny and Bill got stuck fighting the law who showed up and took us by surprise. And by some act of god we made it back to Thomas all alive and in one piece after holding off all of them that came. Dutch...he rowed us out to the middle of the swamps and him and Bronte got at it. Talking about being a man and owning your life. I think that’s when Dutch snapped. He grabbed Bronte by his shirt and held his head underwater until he stopped moving. Screaming about how Bronte couldn't call the Pinkerton’s or his lawmen or his guards no more. What power really meant. Then he uh, pushed the body over as a gator came up.”

You gasped at the image of Dutch feeding a man to an alligator. It wasn’t hard to imagine; the look of rage on his face, the foam at the corners of his mouth, the way his eyes lit up knowing he had the power to take another life. 

“John nearly had to pull him off, and Dutch went off about weakness and how it was us or Bronte. I think John is starting to question things too, like you and me. But I don’t know, I’ve never seen Dutch snap like that.”

“Arthur, I’m so sorry,” was all you could manage. His hand had squeezed back and clenched around yours tightly. 

“I stayed back to make sure no one followed us, but the whole time I kept thinking about how short life really is. Staring into that water made me realize how...we gotta stop taking things for granted, tomorrow ain’t guaranteed in this life. And I used to be okay with that. I would get up and take the day as it was, doing my best to fight alongside those I had to care for. That’s how Dutch raised me and John. But then I met you. And something changed. I started planning ahead and knowing that leaving you would be unbearable. I may not be a good man, but you sure help me see that I could be. And he’s someone who always knows his place next to you.”

“Arthur,” you spoke slowly. Your heart picked up in your chest and your nerves felt scattered. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying I don’t want to wait around anymore for us to find the right time. I want to make the right time. YN, I want you to be my wife. Today. What do you think about throwing a wedding right now?”

[mylordshesacactus]

tbf, I feel like almost every new story you write is my new favorite story, and trying to go back through your works just now confirmed it. right now I think I'd say Freefall -- I physically yelled out loud at the blackout bit and had to walk it off before I could continue. I'm still too amped about your whole challenger series to actually go back and leave you comments. every time i think about it I scream internally. I'm screaming right now. I've never even seen a star trek.

You are, as always, a gift.

Challenger kind of went on hiatus due to [gestures at The State Of Things] but I’m hopeful that it won’t be too much longer before we’re able to get a buffer built up again and get the last few episodes of Season 1 out to you guys!

And I’m really glad you enjoyed Freefall! Challenger had kind of a combat-heavy opening two-parter for Star Trek, which is why the SEVERAL episodes directly following it went for a serious difference in kind--barring the racist vulcans in episode four there’s not an actual antagonist again until episode seven. That being said, I think it was still very STAR TREK combat, you know? Thematically and all. Our main “thing” when setting out the plots we wanted to work with was that we wanted to do something INTERESTING with all of them. We didn’t just want a repel-boarders incident; what are we going to do that will be fun to plot and write?

Well....let’s turn off the gravity. And while we’re at it, let’s turn off the lights. And suddenly, what was shaping up to be a grindy generic combat episode that we’d just have to slog through became a PLAYGROUND.

(this is, incidentally, also how we felt after coming up with the odobentusk in Protectors of Mantle. Up until that moment, honestly...we’d been super invested in the first three chapters because they all had something we DESPERATELY wanted to write--Robyn meeting Penny, the rat poison thing, and the Fall of Beacon from an outside perspective. But “the SDC tries a Uriah Gambit to get rid of Robyn by throwing her to the Grimm in a way that lets them maintain plausible deniability” was kinda shaping up to just be a really repetitive “they stab grimm and then stab some more grimm, but oh no! now there’s too many grimm to stab them all!” when what we REALLY wanted at that point was to get to the “good part”, ie, the upcoming Gal of Gisborne fight that we’d been building up to.

So we went, okay. How do we make this more interesting? Maybe with a boss fight, or we add in some additional environmental danger? What kind of boss fight? Goliaths have been done in the show, I don’t want to retread old ground. What are some other Arctic megafauna? No bears, ursas are old news. Oh man, MOOSE. What about a moose grimm?? but that would be weird to find in a cave...let me google some Arctic animals real quick. Damn, if there was a way to do an orca grimm that’d be cool....narwhals? nah--OOOOOH. OH MY GOD. “WHAT” alex. “what” ALEX “WHAT IS IT” WALRUS GRIMM “OOOOOOH MY GOD FUCK YES”)

[gffa]

Scattered Star Wars Thoughts: - I’m about two thirds of the way through Empire’s End and I’m once again sad that we haven’t gotten anything like this in awhile--stuff happens in these books, the huge, big, galactic-level stuff happens!  The Battle of Jakku!  Rae Sloane vs Gallius Rax!  The bombing of the New Republic ceremony!  Mon Mothma’s struggles to keep the New Republic afloat and her political enemies trying to take her down! Sure, I love the books for the ragtag team I came to know and love, it’s still one of the top tier groups of new characters, but it’s also that stuff happens in this book, I get a good, strong look at the events that shape the galaxy in this era.  I suspect (even though I have no proof) that SW deliberately moved away from this kind of thing, because they were filling up the space too quickly, there soon wasn’t going to be much room left for any kind of big events, between this and Bloodline, especially if they ever wanted to set a show or movie in that era. I sometimes half-wonder if we’re heading for another reboot after awhile, because they’ll want to free up some space or if we’re just going to get more “away from the main action” stories.  Which I wouldn’t mind, if they were more like Spark of the Resistance because that was one of my favorite books of recent times, where it didn’t have to have a big impact, it could be a cute space adventure, but it was about characters I desperately wanted to have more interaction with. I guess that’s what was missing from Alphabet Squadron for me, that the new character stuff was SO GOOD, but Hera’s role really could have been filled by anyone.  Empire’s End is giving us Han and Leia and Mon character moments, but a lot of them don’t have to be about the big galactic stuff, they can be little mini-adventures set between the bigger ones. On the other hand, the comics seem to be filling that niche more than the novels, and the comics are so good that I’m kind of fine with the priority seeming to be on them--even if I don’t think that’s intentional.  (Or maybe it’s just me vastly preferring the comics over the novels, it seems like that’s where the good stuff is happening, imo.) Anyway. Empire’s End.  I really do love this trilogy in a way that, looking back, is a lot sharper than a lot of what I’ve been feeling re: current SW.  I wish Wendig would get another crack at writing SW, whether for these characters or someone else.  And that the Bens would come back and write more, too.  I was skimming over their From a Certain Point of View story and thinking about Join the Resistance! and I MISS THOSE STORIES. - I am doing pretty good at keeping up with my rewatch getting finished before the new season of TCW happens, I’m down to 1.8 episodes per day to reach my goal!  :D Between that and the way I’ve been booking it through other stuff (it’s been so cold out lately that I don’t go out much, so I have more time to watch stuff) that I’m already a quarter of the way through my 2020 Resolutions list! - I just saw Ryan Bergara, Shane Madej, and Steven Lim launched Watcher and have a handful of videos up, so I’ll have those to watch, I also have a bunch of shows (Barry and Patriot mostly) waiting in the wings for when I finish with TCW, and of course more of The Untamed, and, well, THANK GOD SW IS QUIET RIGHT NOW, because it’s getting to be a bit Much.  In a good way, but still!  /wanted to grump - I finished the current season of Grace & Frankie and I really liked the first 3-4 episodes, I got a bunch of IRL LOLs out of them, but about halfway through the season it lost steam for me and the ending just felt weird, like, “Why are we going down this same path again?  What was the point of that sub-plot?” and it just felt unfocused to me. I feel like, by this point, we’re six seasons in, Grace and Frankie lying about stuff from each other feels very, very retread, especially when Grace and Nick have talked about this before, that sometimes she has to choose him, not just Frankie all the time, and this storyline sort of ended up in a place that seemed to contradict that, and it does help to view this through the lens of Grace still has decades of lying and secrets as routine to recover from, she’s going to backslide, and I’m down for that, but I feel like this just didn’t quite acknowledge that it was part of a pattern she’s still working on, rather than ignoring that it comes with context of stuff that’s already happened in the show. I’m also losing my patience with a lot of the romantic partners drama on the show, like, I think they’ve been on a slow drive towards Coyote/Mallory for awhile and I hate it, I really don’t get any kind of spark between Frankie and Jack, Joan-Margaret and the guy she picked to marry didn’t have enough of a spark to make that storyline all that fun, Principal Dan being weird by the end was just *SIGH* (all the more so because I want Mallory to be with someone who Is Not Coyote).  I do very much still love Barry/Brianna, I feel like the show does better at Brianna Is An Onion You Have To Peel Her Back In Layers, so going over similar ground makes sense.  And I actually enjoyed Coyote/Jessica, they’re adorable, but it’s hard to get invested when I don’t think it’ll last.  I actually really enjoy Bud/Allison and their mutual failboating conversation about their first times was delightful to watch.  But I also sort of feel like I’m getting exhausted on Robert/Sol, it didn’t feel like there was any idea what to do with them this season, so they just sort of threw a bunch of things at the wall to see what would stick.  Robert being like, “NO THIS IS A BAD IDEA” while Sol and Allison researched Bud’s family history was hilarious, MORE LIKE THAT, less of them keeping secrets from each other like that entire local theater storyline.  Or even Sol’s health thing, which brought out different approaches to quality vs length of life at their age, that was a much more interesting story. I guess I wouldn’t mind retreading the same ground quite so much, if it felt like they were aware of it being part of a bigger whole, rather than just doing the same thing again, or if it felt like it was going somewhere (I think this is why I liked the Brianna/Barry stuff, it feels like it’s going somewhere), but that doesn’t mean the cast isn’t still delightful and the show isn’t still an absolute delight.  It never feels flat or like they’re Flanderizing the characters, the human moments are still there and very genuine.  (Grace and the other young wives was one of my favorite moments of the season!  It was such a lovely, warm, human resolution.)  The cast still delivers everything beautifully and they’re retreading these stories for a reason--though, I can’t lie, I’m curious to see what the final season has, in the way of a shake-up of the usual dynamics, as well as some more permanent resolution, one assumes. It still remains one of my favorite shows whenever it comes back! Scattered Star Wars Thoughts/2020 Resolutions Update: - Star Wars: The Clone Wars s3e02-20 Current total:  41/260 Scattered Everything Else Thoughts/ 2020 Resolutions Update: - Watchmen s01e01-09 - Bob’s Burgers s10e11 - The Good Place s04e11 - Grace & Frankie s06e01-13 Current total:  86/260 Star Wars Fic Recs 2020 Resolutions Update Current total written:  81/520

[ifeveristoday]

you are the vessel and she’s the life

Okay. When I first read issue #3, I did not like it. The art continues to be amazing, the colors glorious and they add to the atmosphere of the Hellmouth world - but I felt at first read, this was a weaker installment for the non-movement of the plot. If Hellmouth was a longer arc, I would have less issues because Jordie & Jeremy are developing Buffy and Angel, and giving the space for the audience to learn more about them, just as other characters are being brought into the spotlight for the namesake comics. I want to learn more about Kendra, Jenny, Fred, Gunn, et al. But it’s also a valid criticism that Buffy was missing from her story, long before Hellmouth began.

To compare Buffy (the intellectual property) to another cultural juggernaut for a minute - Star Wars. The reboots, the prequels, the ever-expanding universe - it’s all Star Wars, no matter what fans may feel about certain portions of it. But I see a lot of the same argument leveled at the Boom!verse that I do about Star Wars - ‘it doesn’t feel like ________________’, or  ‘that’s not my Buffy.’ I’ve certainly done my fair share of completely ignoring/complaining about the Dark Horse ‘canonically approved’ verse, so I get it. And I think just by the nature of a reboot, there are so many expectations, especially when you use the same characters. And IMO, Jordie and co. have been doing an admirable job of balancing their version of Sunnydale vs. memories/nostalgia of the TV canon. 

The point is to remake something for a new audience while respecting the source for the ‘original’ (whatever that means) fans. And it’s such a rich world with many characters to play with, and lots of different ways to explore themes that the show didn’t, or botched/dismissed. It’s a daunting experience to adapt, I’m sure - and I’ve been enjoying reading what Jordie has been doing with character development and the emotional beats of a story. The characters do feel like they exist in 2019.

However, with this issue, I felt like there was retread/not enough of a building on the momentum that Issues 1 and 2 had, along with a last-minute feel of a brand new original character, and some in-jokes that didn’t really add anything. This was my first reaction. Then I read it again, and with the other Hellmouth issues.

Major spoilers underneath the cut.

Back to my earlier point about Buffy being missing from her story - we still don’t know very much about Buffy’s backstory but that was never the point of her character, she was always very much in the now. The earlier issues had her in full Slayer mode with little intervals of an awkward, uncertain teenager! Buffy, and the last time she gets to hang out and do teenager things, Xander gets turned. And we didn’t really see the fallout in terms of Buffy’s feelings about it - but we did get very much appreciated insight into Willow and Xander’s characters. 

Then Buffy flings herself into the Hellmouth, after feeling estranged from Willow and dealing with a lot of unspoken guilt/shame. Oh no, not like TV Canon Buffy at all. 

However, the break from the Scoobies and entering the Hellmouth brought out Buffy Summers in all her confused, messy, intense bravery. Here was the girl who quipped malapropisms, made up sassy nicknames and leaped into the fray, fists first. And here was the girl who’s self-aware that her impetuousness and desire to save people also hurts the people she loves because she pushes them away - both out of necessity and because it’s her job. It’s a common refrain throughout the run of the series, emphasized by Giles and repeated by Buffy - she has to do this, and often alone - she’s the first responder in the apocalypse.

Heroine complex, man.

And then she meets LA’s finest, the dark knight, Mr. Hunchy Shoulders Guy - Angel. I’ve said it before, Bryan Edward Hill’s decision to have Angel meet Buffy cold, with an already established backstory of his own and then Jordie carrying that over into the Hellmouth event really changes the Buffy and Angel dynamic in the Boom!verse. A welcome change, and then when the portents/prophecies kick in, Angel dismisses them completely. His no-nonsense, I’m just here to do a job and then I’m out mode is amusing to me, because obviously, this is going to end up in romantic comedy land, just with a higher body count and lots of blood.

Buffy and Angel in TV canon never really got that light-hearted, getting-to-know-you phase because there was always the pall of forbidden love/gothic angst/and willful misunderstandings on both parties, never mind the interference/concerns and complaints from the people who loved them.

In Hellmouth, not only do Buffy and Angel get developed as characters, so does their budding ‘work’ friends relationship. Their banter is just delightful to read, and they get to be vulnerable/honest (to a point) with each other, that they haven’t been able to do so with their respective friends. And as they’re fighting demons and tracking down Drusilla, it creates an understandably sudden bond that most likely wouldn’t have happened above ground. They’re the only ones who can stop the forces of evil and cover each other’s backs.

Except for the undead elephant in the room, that has been in the room since Angel first appeared in Sunnydale -

Angel is a vampire. Angel witnessed Drusilla attacking Xander -- and did nothing to stop it.

And he knew it was Drusilla and Spike.

That lie comes back to majorly haunt his ass in Issue #3. Drusilla gleefully tells Buffy that he saw the whole thing, and also he has this whole other name, Angelus, which Buffy completely mishears and then rounds on Angel, asking him pointedly if they need a moment, or can she do the job she’s here for.

The revelation that Angel didn’t stop Xander’s turning naturally pings Buffy’s anger defenses and she tells him actually, no, we’re not friends, you don’t know me (even though I vented my guts out to you and you know I’m a slayer and you give weird pep talks to try to make me feel better -- Issues 1 & 2) - and I think besides the fact that Angel stood by and did nothing, it’s also that he didn’t tell her. Angel not telling Buffy important things, lying by omission basically, breaks their fragile alliance. 

But it’s not until the second lie.

Something that has been driving me nuts since the first issue is that Angel hasn’t revealed his Vampire self to Buffy. There’s different levels to the relationships Angel has cultivated so far in the Boom!verse - with Fred and Gunn, he’s an ally (reluctant on Gunn’s part) and a friend (Fred) and he’s upfront with them that he’s a vampire. But with Buffy, who is going to be a major part of his life (if any of the previous portents and prophecies are to go by), he holds off/and hides his vampire self. And the question is why? Buffy already has a friend who has a Vampire side, but Xander’s a special case because he can still pass as human. 

And it’s humanity that pops up in this issue - I knew it was coming, due to Boom’s wildly spoilery summaries/previews, but the way it was delivered?

Auggie - I know he has a full demon name but I’m not typing it out - and I think his name is also derived from Augury which means an omen/sign of what will happen in the future, seemed out of place to me. I mean, okay having a hell hut in the middle of the Hellmouth is whimsical and not completely out of the realm of the Buffyverse tone, and demons just trying to demon with no ambition to destroy the world is always nice to see - I just felt the introduction of him was too McGuffiny. There already was a figure who could see into the future (two of them, if you count Fee Fee from Angel’s first issue, except she disappeared into the plot hole where women characters go in that issue) and the initial one who set Angel on this path: Lilith. 

Having Angel strike up a random conversation with an essentially magic demon eight ball when he could have been searching for Buffy or Drusilla felt like an unwelcome departure from the main story. Yes, the revelation that Angel could achieve humanity through some terrible ritual is important, but also - do you believe a demon who’s making a stew out of unidentifiable parts in the middle of the Hellmouth and just casually drops that information? 

Read the room, Angel. It’s probably a trap.

Back to the A-story, Buffy thinks the Cthulu shape-shifter demon is back when she sees the vision of the guys in her life attacking the women - Giles and Jenny, Eric and Joyce, and Xander and Willow.Just as the Demon Joyce taunted her about her absence causing more havoc than help, the Demon men call her out Greek Chorus style - Giles says, “Sunnydale burns, Sacrifice.” Xander tells her, “But we can stop all this. The mother awaits you.”Eric says, “Come. End this suffering.”

Buffy accuses Dru of orchestrating this, and she laughs and tells her, “This is the hellmouth. Adapt, won’t you? It’s adapted to you....these are your people. This your nightmare.”

Buffy denies it coming true, and Dru tells her that it may yet come true - and she’s left Sunnydale defenseless. A slayer without her friends. There are fouler things than beasts, above. There are men.

Who have become the puppets of the unseen Hellmother.

So Drusilla was a red herring, a pawn in the game of Evil Chess. And this bums me out because Dru as a tangible villain/opponent is more interesting to me than another shadowy doom voice from the ether. Hellmother? Really?

This is where the reboot kind of loses me - Buffy’s greatest villains have been the ones who were personal to her, not as in just wanting to kill her, but an active part of her life. Dru (and by extension, Spike) in the Boom!verse would qualify because of what she did to Xander and threatening her mother. Dru being the front of a disembodied voice (that probably will take form in the next two issues) is a letdown. It’s the First Evil again.

The side effect of the men being turned into malevolent goons - okay, that is scary, but are we talking the Pack/Billy scary? (aka not very good episodes of either show because they either pulled punches or handwaved consequences)

Buffy teams up with Drusilla, which was unexpected, but at this point in the game, Buffy doesn’t have that many options. Her friend is missing (and it’s telling that even though she was hurt by the knowledge Angel did nothing to prevent Xander’s turning, she still refers to him as a friend to Drusilla. It might not be true forgiveness, but she was willing to move on, just for the sake of finding him and working to stop this mess.) And she keeps on reminding herself, these demons are not her friends, and are not real.

Which brings us to the final act - in more ways than one. Angel gets ambushed by a bunch of orc looking vampires, and finally goes Not Today, Satan on them.

And of course Buffy spots him on a mound of corpses, in full vamp face.

As much as I’m disappointed with the way Angel’s vampirism is revealed, it had to happen, and I have to admit, those last pages and panels are incredibly vivid and affecting.

Angel’s outstretched human hands covered in blood?

Buffy’s disbelief and then hardened look of disgust and her, “Don’t touch me.”

Goddammit.

Jordie and Jeremy have specific repetitions that I find interesting in terms of character development and where I think the plot is going -

Friends - the potential loss of them, the making of them, who to trust and how personal actions always have a consequence in relation to friends - Buffy is down on herself because she pushes people away and tried to lone wolf and it always, always blows up in her face, so this new thing with Angel is Buffy trying something new - trusting the other person so she can trust herself (because even though Willow and Xander are helpful and her besties, Buffy still can’t fully trust them with the fighting of evil because of her Slayer nature and belief that it’s her sole responsibility. She’s never had friends like that before. Angel has an equivalent strength to hers and already knows the evil game.)

So this issue blowing up all those tentative friend bridges? 

Fucking painful. Because now it feels like Buffy was right - she can’t trust Angel, he’s not a friend, because why would he lie? Why didn’t he stop Drusilla? They clearly have a history. Has he been in on this from the beginning?

Buffy is alone, again.

And Angel? Who the fuck knows. Buffy has become important to him in a short amount of time, and it still needs to be addressed why he did nothing to save Xander. He was already on the saving gig, and was it because he knew Spike and Dru that he let it pass out of...familial bonds?  That still doesn’t jibe with what he’s atoning for now. 

As always, thanks to @jenny-calendar for being there for me to figure out all these fiddly parts. I still think this is the weakest issue of Hellmouth, and I’m not as confident as I was before in thinking it’ll be wrapped up neatly in the last two issues - but I hope this doesn’t signal the end of crossovers, and that the relationship wherever it goes, continues to develop over both of their lines. But I dislike it less on reread.

And Buffy better make an appearance in Ring of Fire, damn it.

AND WHERE IS CAMAZOTZ?

[donnerpartyofone]

TL;DR - i finally got an MRI for my ear, which has been fucked up and constantly clogged since september and developed tinnitus in february, and apparently, supposedly, there is nothing wrong with it. so there’s nothing to do about it. so just like with my eye and my skin and my lung and my etc, i have a problem that i can’t do anything about, that i can’t even get the satisfaction of a diagnosis for, and i’m so pissed off about how much time and energy i’ve spent trying to improve things for myself when there was absolutely no point in doing so, that i just want to set my body on fire to really show it what i think of it.

i’m so, so mad. the last couple of months have been almost nothing but wall to wall doctor’s appointments, and with zero exception, they have all been a complete waste of time. it hurts because my body tortures me, of course, but it hurts worse than that because i convinced myself that i HAD to do this, that it was Mature to face my fear of doctors and generally the Right Thing to Do, when i absolutely didn’t want to do any of this at all.

i suffer a lot from an internalized impression of myself as being lazy, defeatist, and dramatic. it comes from a lot of places. i grew up in an environment where i was the only open depression sufferer, under one parent who definitely considered depression to be an antisocial behavioral problem, to be treated like any other shallow cry for attention. i also grew up in an environment full of obvious talents, all of whom would go on to be published, or even public figures, and not to be a complete asshole, but the idea that “you can do anything you put your mind to” is kept alive by people who have the baseline talent necessary to succeed at things they put their minds to. if you subscribe to the idea that success requires nothing other than commitment, then the implication is that all failure is a matter of laziness, petulance, and defeatism--never lack, never inferiority, never ordinariness. on top of all this, my personal interests--horror, sexually graphic media, comics, underground music movements, the usual roundup of morbid or antisocial cultural items--were considered pretty much...well, not very adult. so what i’m coming to is that if i can’t prove my adulthood in any way that has to do with who i am or what i’m capable of, then the very least i can do is Be Responsible. (and of course i get made fun of all the time for being an uptight rule follower but JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, LITERALLY WHAT ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO DO)

one of the main ways you can Be Responsible, if you have the means that is, is to look after your health. the world is full of icky, boring, degrading, depersonalizing, and occasionally painful tasks that are necessary to keep the societal cogs turning. if you can’t make art or have ideas or be beautiful or become an athlete or whatever, you can still show that you’re alive and generally hygienic by going to the dmv, voting, showing up for jury selection, or going to the doctor. you can still grasp the final shred of integrity offered to you by doing things no one wants to do, but that we know are necessary for the vitality of self and society. so i’m extra good at doing stuff that people my age frequently shirk--the dentist appointments, the doing your taxes the second the forms come in, etc--because they’re sort of the only things i can do that prove that i’m not, you know, a complete piece of shit.

so this year, at the start of february, i decided i was going to get a real handle on my health. i’d been going to doctors for various things already, of course, even though it was pretty much never satisfying; the only thing i can think of that ever got fixed or explained was the pathological growth of scar tissue over my eyeballs, which required some pretty fucked up surgery. but at this time, i had a lot of problems building up. my left eye developed a small spot, and a constant glare that borders on having double vision. my right ear remained completely stuffed up since i had a cold last fall, and began to ring constantly at the end of the winter. my right lung has felt alarmingly tight and weak for...years actually. the right side of my face is constantly beet red, like i go fresh with somebody’s wife, and i can see how it’s thickening and bending my flesh all out of shape, which rosacea will do progressively and incurably throughout your entire life. i decided that instead of quaking in fear of doctors, and also in fear of wasted time, i was going to straighten my back and go nip this shit in the bud. after all, when you’re miserable but not doing anything about it, people kind of hate you, and then you have THAT problem on top of all your real problems. sometimes you gotta give the people what they want.

so how did it all go?

my skin: since no insurance company considers rosacea a medical problem, which is actually complete fucking bullshit, i decided to take matters into my own hands. i researched what rich people do for their uninsurable problem, and decided to use my recent (traumatic) inheritance to take care of myself. i tried three different preposterously expensive topical treatments that i was told are a “magic bullet” for rosacea, and all of them made my face blow up like a fucking macy’s day balloon. then, after four rounds of extremely expensive, painful and scary laser treatments, i had absolutely no results other than that my face was actually MORE reactive for about a month after the last one. i’m fucked.

my eye: according to my optometrist and ophthalmologist and corneal specialist it’s “just” regular scar tissue from my terrifying surgeries, not the pathological scar tissue that i had to have removed via terrifying surgery and localized chemotherapy. this kind of sucks because it means i can’t just get it removed again, but at least there is a slight chance that my body will reabsorb it like regular scar tissue. (oh yeah? and what’s my luck USUALLY like?) my only “treatment option” is to use eyedrops four times a day, which is actually extremely uncomfortable, and which pretty much means i’m just not allowed to wear makeup ever again.

my lung: after two rounds of clear x-rays and a breathing test that only detected slight asthma, through two GPs and a pulmonologist, nobody has anything to say about why i have this chronic breathing problem. there’s some indication that it might be a “muscular-skeletal problem” that’s putting pressure on the one lung, so i guess i need to add a physical therapist or something to my endless list of specialists.

my ear: two or three trips to urgent care (i forget how many now), two GPs, an ENT, a fucking weird hearing test, and an MRI have done absolutely nothing for me. after a cold with a sinus/ear infection last fall, my right ear remained permanently slammed shut; if i pop it, it closes back up in seconds. i do not have the same problem with the other ear, it is clearly a physical problem. in february, my ear began to ring agonizingly and has not stopped for a second. in all this time, i went through round after round of antibiotics, antihistamines, anti-inflammatories, steroids, etc. nothing works. no one can see any type of problem. apparently i have the option of electing to have a tube surgically inserted into my ear, although i can’t quite figure out what the risk factor is, both for my tinnitus, and for my hearing in general. 

and OF COURSE, depression: part of the stigma against depression is that it’s a choice, somehow. like fresh air and exercise and looking on the bright side are so effective that if you’re depressed, it must be because you LIKE IT THAT WAY, because otherwise you would use these simple and free cures for your so-called illness and it would be all over, right? anyway i kind of hate being depressed, and i’ve been working my fucking ass off trying to deal with it. i see a nutritional therapist (a licensed psychiatrist) who prescribed me a number of nutritional supplements that i do think help, but they are unthinkably hard on my stomach. i tried lexapro, and it made me feel so abnormal, and cut into my general quality of life so badly, that i didn’t keep it up. i tried a generic version of wellbutrin, and it made me violently sick to my stomach, and caused my ringing ear to ring deafeningly for days after a single dose. the brand name version wasn’t much better. then i tried lamictal, and felt totally great AND NORMAL for like a week, and then i got the rare and potentially deadly lamictal rash. sometimes this just indicates a basic allergy, and sometimes it indicates Stevens-Johnson Syndrome which causes something called TOXIC EPIDERMAL NECROLYSIS WHICH REQUIRES LONG TERM HOSPITALIZATION TO GROW YOUR SKIN BACK. i had to deal with this on the day of mandatory final exam presentations in a class where i was already struggling, and this was one of the darkest days i can recently remember. after this, my psychiatrist tried to prescribe me abilify, but after i started to hear about the side effects and personal testimony of certain friends, i decided i couldn’t handle it. very possibly, i just cannot be medicated for depression, unless i’m willing to sacrifice everything else around the depression too. 

...this is all pretty much a retread of an experience i had for a few years, a few years ago, where i was having these abnormal paps, so they constantly had to drill painful core samples out of my cervix to keep checking up on the NOTHING that was going on in there, until one day they were just like...uh your tests are coming back fine now, and we don’t know why they didn’t before, and it just doesn’t matter, you don’t have to do this anymore PLUS you could have just been sitting on your couch jerking off this entire time and it would have done exactly as much good as this cycle of being humiliated and tortured by doctors in a while that leaves you curled up in a ball sobbing every time. i’m still pretty pissed off about it, if you can’t tell.

so like i don’t know why the fuck i’m doing all this. i don’t know why i do anything. nothing fucking comes from even my most herculean effort except a relentless sense of mystery that is starting to border on satire. i don’t know why i have so many problems. i’m 38 years old and i’m in ok shape. i don’t have generalized immune issues or anything. my doctor said i have some of the best lab work she’s ever seen. why the fuck does all this shit happen to me. i’m trying so fucking hard to enjoy my life. it’s hard to be in mental and physical pain all the time, the latter for absolutely no coherent reason. i mean i’d rather have a bunch of random problems than like, lupus or MS or something, for sure, but everything that happens to me is so meaningless and arbitrary, i’m starting to get that feeling like god hates me. it’s also hard to have the constant feeling that so many people think that failure to enjoy life is exclusively a matter of “not trying hard enough”, being a pill, looking for attention. i don’t know what to do anymore. i’m real pissed. i think what i need is a change of philosophy, which will be a long hard road. at least i know it’s the one and only area where i, and only i, have some level of control. wish me luck.

[douxreviews]

Cloak & Dagger - ‘Two Player’ Review

"But every action has its own reaction, as much as we’d like to avoid it. Isn’t that right, Miss Bowen?"

Cloak & Dagger puts the villain on pause for a moment so that it can clear up a little character development before the end of season fireworks.

One of the stated goals for this season of C&D was that they were going to 'power up', by which one assumes they meant that Ty and Tandy were going to gain greater control of their powers and learn new ways of using them.

They've been more or less holding true to that, with Tandy learning her shiny new light ball trick and Ty attempting to learn a little more control over opening the portal to the dark dimension. The real implication that the season keeps coming back to, however, is that they become more powerful through working together instead of continuing to try to deal with things on their own. They've come back to that theme repeatedly over the season with various degrees of subtlety or lack thereof.

It's fitting then that they chose this episode's video game metaphor to solidify that point, particularly as 'power up' is a very 'gamer' way of phrasing the concept. It's worth noting that the episodes title is 'Two Player,' not 'Two Players.'  It's a reference to the way the game is played, not to the people playing it.

At the end of the previous episode, Ty finds Tandy, while conveniently resolving the abducted girls subplot so that the decks are clear to focus on Andre and the upcoming season finale. No sooner has he found her than he collapses and his dark dimension appears to start bleeding out of him. It's still not entirely clear what's causing the darkness to overflow, but it's probably worth noting that the darkness immediately goes back to normal the moment that Tandy jumps into the dark dimension to save him. One could almost assume that the whole point of the escaping darkness was to facilitate Tandy entering the dark dimension again, and that once that was accomplished it wasn't needed anymore.

Unfortunately, the show itself was a little vague on that point, so assuming is all we're able to do at this stage. It's also possible that the point was to get Brigid into the dark dimension so that she could reunite with her other half who's been trapped there for a fair few episodes now, but then we have to ask ourselves why Papa Legba would want that to happen. It seems clear, in any case, that it was Papa Legba who was calling the shots there and not Baron Samedi, since Samedi seemed surprised to see both Ty and Tandy once they got there. There's a note below for the voudon purists regarding those two. We'll get there presently.

Logistics of how they got there aside, the main storyline for Ty and Tandy this week basically was 'play a videogame for awhile.' This worked just fine as a metaphor for Ty wanting to avoid reality and Tandy trying to talk him into returning to the world. Thematically it's just a retread of 'Weight of the World,' as far as the basic mechanics go. But the real virtue of the videogaming plot was that it allowed the concept of Ty and Tandy working better together to be put on a low simmer while the episode got to what it was really interested in doing: focusing on the side characters. And this week, all the side characters shone.

Let's look at them one at a time, starting from the least consequential and working our way up. This was the first episode of this show ever that made Father Delgado's presence make sense. Prior to this he felt like he was only there because he'd been there in the comics and the show didn't really have anything for him to do. Earlier this season he fell and fell hard back into addiction and despair, which foreshadowed the way that despair as a concept was going to be important, but at the time didn't really dovetail at all into what the rest of the show was doing. Here he provides one very important thing in terms of plot mechanics and one very important thing in terms of theme. For the plot mechanics, the fact that he's a priest means that he can give the police the evidence of Ty's innocence without having to say where it came from. That's a nifty loophole for them to get Ty's name cleared. As far as theme, the fact that he's a disgraced priest means that he can be a statement about people being capable of both great good and great bad.

That same point is echoed in Adina's story this week. Turns out she straight up murdered Connors after getting his evidence. It's hard to blame her after what he did to her family, but after last week's amazing scenes between them I really hoped that she'd achieved some measure of inner peace about things. Her duality is 'save Ty/Avenge Billy,' and as soon as the logistics of the former no longer got in the way with achieving the latter, she started laying down plastic sheeting in the guest bathroom. That was a profoundly sad moment, and she is very much not okay about it.

Melissa Bowen has gone back to drinking and pills which is sadly all too common. I can't really speak about this development just now for personal reasons, beyond saying that loving someone with an addiction can really, really suck. Ty being able to magically appear next to her when she needed the comfort felt like the right way for them to cement their 'we're not doing this crap alone anymore' status.

Brigid and Mayhem had a come-to-Jesus talk over a nice manicure, which felt strangely empowering for both of them, and this is where the episode really brought home the whole 'embracing the duality is the point, dummy' theme. Both of their memories of their father were true. He was acting for both good reasons and bad reasons. Everyone is. We're all two players, and we're stronger when those players work together. It seems that Mayhem and Brigid are sharing a body now that they're both out of the dark dimension. That felt like the right way to unite them.

And then there was Evita. Poor Evita. She sacrificed a lot in this one. She found out the Aunt who raised her was dead, became a mambo in Auntie's place and gave away her chance to be with Ty in order to save his life by marrying a Voudon gatekeeper Loa. That's a heck of a day. I'm reading this as the show's way of eliminating Evita as a romantic rival for Tandy once they get around to Ty and Tandy's relationship moving in that direction. That's disappointing. Even Tandy thought Ty should be with Evita, if her perfect day hallucination was anything to go by.

Bits and Pieces:

-- Both Andre and Ty are 'transitioning.' Is Ty on the verge of becoming a Loa, or just an amorphous shape in a cloak?

-- Andre apparently lost a lot of mojo when the captive girls were freed. So much so that he appears to have sucked Lia dry and left her dead body by the side of the road. Couldn't have happened to a nicer woman.

-- The videogame Ty and Tandy were playing was called 'Duel with D'Spayre.' Which means that apparently I was right a couple episodes back about Andre's connection to the Marvel character of that name.

-- The 'radioactive heroin' origin in the videogame was a nice nod to the comics, where that was their origin. To be fair, I think the comics used 'experimental' instead of 'radioactive.'

-- Andre has realized that his veve represents musical notes, which one assumes is how he's going to get through that locked door. The notes he was humming didn't correspond to the notes we saw on the veve, by the way.

-- If Ty had decided just a little sooner to stop playing the game, Evita wouldn't have had to marry Papa Legba.

-- There was a little muddying of roles concerning Legba and Samedi. Papa Legba is the gatekeeper. He's the one you have to reach out to in order to communicate with any other Loa. In that sense, it's absolutely right that he's the one you first meet when entering the dark dimension. Baron Samedi is the Loa of the dead. So when the show talked about the 'Gateway to the dead,' they were kind of conflating the two.

-- Baron Samedi and Maman Brigitte also featured prominently in this season of American Gods. It's a small world.

-- I really want the cloak figurine that Samedi was surprised to see. How many skeeball tickets do we suppose that cost?

Quotes:

Brigid: "It’s not really you, is it." Fuchs: "No." Brigid: "But it’s nice to see you."

Ty: "Come on. If I’m gonna beat this, I’m gonna need your help."

Mayhem: "No, you’re here to kill me. Or subdue me. Or something me."

Tandy: "What?" Ty: "You’re really good at this." Tandy: "Damn right."

Mayhem: "I’m not gonna be put in a box just to be brought out whenever we have road rage or another dead boyfriend."

There were moments in this one when it felt like filler before they really start up the endgame, but it was good filler with a fair amount of thematic depth, so I'll take it.

Three out of four boss battles.

Mikey Heinrich is, among other things, a freelance writer, volunteer firefighter, and roughly 78% water.

[sieben9]

“the devil’s due” impressions

{Quick request to anyone reading: I’m watching OUaT for the first time, and I want to avoid spoilers. So, if you want to discuss something spoilery, I’d be grateful if you could start a new post for that. Thank you!}

Dear Lord. This episode. Did I like it? Did I not? I’m not sure, but I sure have some strong feelings on the matter. They just don’t separate neatly into positive or negative ones.

One thing I do know without a doubt, and that is that I might just have witnessed the funniest ten seconds of dialogue in modern television.

“I’m sure we’ll laugh ourselves sick about it one day.”

yeah, that is the face of a man having WAY too much fun.

Anyway, watch me figure out what I think under the cut. Warning, this is even ramblier than usual, and therefore kind of long.

So… yeah, probably not my favourite episode. It’s not terrible as such, and I love some bits and pieces that came out of it, but overall, it just leaves a weird aftertaste.

One of my main problems is definitely that every character seems a bit… off. Not entirely OOC, just “the usual character, but a bit to the left”. And when that’s happening to the entire cast, you do wonder if some kind of alien bodysnatching has taken place. …wait, no, this is fantasy. Maybe a doppelgänger situation, then? Whatever it is, people are being weird this episode, and I don’t like it.

Before I get into anything else, before I get into anything else, though, I just want to mention the one bit I unequivocally liked. And that was Regina visiting Daniel’s headstone. It had next to nothing to do with the actual plot, but it was such a sweet moment, and seeing the look on Regina’s face when she realised that her first love had made it out was just… nice. I liked it. And I appreciate it when we get to see the little moments.

good on you, stable boy.

Just... look at her face! She almost didn’t want to know, and then she was so happy, but also sad, because of course she would be sad, and... ::happy sigh:: Yeah, again: a good moment, this moment.

Alright, on to the main plot. Specifically, the flashback, because it lays the foundation for a lot of… let’s be polite and call it “stuff” in the present.

It took me a while to realise how the plot connects to the present day (more on that later), and even now that I do, I’m still not sure if this flashback was, strictly speaking, necessary.

Yes, we had to introduce drama around Belle being pregnant (apparently), but I’m not convinced this was best way — or even a good way — to do it. At best, the story felt like retreading old ground, and not in the way that showed new facets, either and at worst, it undermines fundamental pieces of established character history. Specifically: one of spinner!Rumple’s defining characteristics was his willingness to do absolutely anything for his son. Now, I’m not blaming him for flinching away from a murder in any way, shape, or form, but I just don’t get with the story was supposed to show me in terms of character depth.

I’m also slightly perplexed by Milah’s reaction to the deal Rumple made with the healer. (And was the only one who thought “if you wanted that guy dead so badly, why didn’t you stab him yourself?”)  No, I didn’t expect her to be thrilled, but… how should I put this… Baelfire is something between five and six in this flashback. Something tells me you weren’t really trying to have any more children at this point.

Also, an honourable mention to this weird Hook-doppelgänger, who turns up in the last couple of seconds.

I mean, we’ve seen other flashbacks of Hook from around this time, and while he might have had his tender moments, I don’t believe he had this full-on Romantic Hero mode in him. Especially not in defence of the complete stranger.

Ah, well, water under the bridge and all that.

Back in the present day, let me start with one little tidbit for those among you who are just as immature as I am: apparently, “Underbrook” sounds exactly like “onderbroek”, which is the Dutch word for underpants. (With thanks to @idesignedthefjords) Do with that knowledge what you will. I mostly just giggled at it a lot.

Alright, back to the actual plot. Specifically:

Belle is pregnant. Yay?

…as with the entire episode, I really don’t know how to feel about that. Good things can have bad timing, but I feel like this timing is particularly bad. (Also, they’ve come this far without addressing Emilie de Ravin’s rather obvious baby bump, so it’s not like this is a “we had to write in the pregnancy to explain the pregnancy” situation.) I mean, if nothing else, my OTP is having a baby and there’s at least some part of me that’s happy about that. But please get your shit together, you two, so I can stop worrying about this whole mess.

In conclusion: I should probably be thrilled about the tiny Rumbelle baby (Rumbaby?), but I’m mostly worried. This has all the hallmarks of something that will go extremely, terribly, horribly wrong, and that’s before we count in the fact that technically, the god of the dead has guardianship over the little sproglet and is currently blackmailing its father.

that makes for two blackmailings this season alone. three more and he gets a free footlong!

Also, remember how Pan is not allowed to use the word “fertile” again, ever, in this world or any other?

Yeah, I’m officially taking the words “baby-making” away from Hades, and he’s not getting them back. Sorry, pal, but you’ve proven that you can’t use them responsibly.

OK, inappropriate humour over (for now), back to one of my more burning questions. Which is “What the hell were you thinking, Emma?”

The fact that you told Milah about Neal shows that you know that his wellbeing is of concern to people who aren’t you or Henry. In fact, you’ve never met the woman before, never heard a single word about her until that hilarious introduction, but you immediately intuited that she’d want to know that her son is safe and happy.

…so why did it never occur to you to tell his father? The man literally spent centuries trying to reunite with his son, and you know all of that.

just my uninformed opinion, but this looks like the face of a man who would have liked having that information earlier. and possibly to his face.

So what was the thought process there? Because what comes across is that she was cruel for cruelties sake alone. Not the best angle for one of the main characters, who’s already looking like a selfish ass for dragging her family down to purgatory to save her boyfriend.

Speaking from a writerly perspective, it’s obviously for Plot Reasons, because otherwise Rumple wouldn’t have scryed for his child, so he wouldn’t have found out about Belle’s pregnancy, Hades wouldn’t have been alerted, and Rumple would have no compelling reason to work for him. I’d still like to think that there is a better way to get all of these points across than… this.

By the way, here’s where the flashback connects to the present-day plot, in my opinion: both past and present Rumple were presented with a choice of taking a life in order to save others. (The parallel isn’t perfect, because Hades didn’t bring up Rumple’s unborn child until later, but I think when the literal god of the dead threatens to kill everyone you brought with you, that still counts as imminent danger.) First time around, he refused and found another way, and was punished for it. Both by Milah’s reaction and, oddly enough, by the narrative. In the present, he doesn’t hesitate to deliver the fatal blow, and that’s presented as a bad thing, too. I doubt this was the original intention, but what I’m getting is “sometimes, there are no good choices”. Which is… well, kind of a bummer. (As an aside, I do have to wonder if Hades let Milah see him on purpose, just to back Rumple into this particular corner. It would fit with his personality…)

The one thing I’m objectively angry at, is the writing. Because I want the people responsible to look me in the eye and say that it was really necessary to fridge the same character twice. I don’t even like Milah, but this just made me really uncomfortable. Are you really telling me that there was no other way to make Hades look “scary” and remind us that Rumple does bad shit when he’s backed into a corner?

good scene, though

In a darkly humorous turn of events, this time it wasn’t even his fault for not telling anyone else about the threat. Because Hades’s ultimatum was basically “destroy this ship right now, or everyone here dies”. That doesn’t leave much time to find a loophole, does it?

If nothing else, I did like the quiet conversation between Rumple and Milah. The two actors really got that underlying emotion of “way too much time has passed for us to still hate each other” across. I think that was reflected in Rumple’s comment afterwards. No, he didn’t enjoy killing Milah (Frankly, I highly doubt he enjoyed the first time, but that’s literally another story), because that part of his life is so far behind him, and so far behind her, too, that all strong emotions have long since burned away. I don’t think he would have begrudged her if she had gotten to move on. Shame that never happened, right? ::glares at writers::

Blergh. Sorry this was such a rambling mess, but I was really happy when I realised this was a Rumple-centric, only to have that joy systematically crushed into a pulp of bewildered incomprehension and a faint sense of betrayal. This episode probably wasn’t bad, from a technical standpoint, but it was decidedly unpleasant to watch.

So, to not close this out on me being mopey and annoyed... here’s the Amazon episode summary.

...dear Amazon: are you sure you sold me the right episode?

[blaperile]

Homestuck Epilogues - Meat - Page 4

[applebandito]

100% Kingdom Hearts 1 (Day 10)

Current Target: Proud Player

Maleficent really should have been the big bad with a bigger bad on the horizon. Honestly this game would’ve probably worked far better. Her twisting of Riku with him turning into a vessel for Ansem was actually pretty on brand for her. Her bringing Riku along for the purpose of getting Kairi and having a vessel for him could’ve also been a fairly incredible stroke of genius on her part. It would’ve made a lot of this game seem far tighter in terms of it’s narrative.

Instead she’s just sort of there. As are the rest of the villains frankly. Jafar is still a nonce and we’re still playing out the plots of our various Disney movies. Honestly there’s a reason why worlds like Olympus and Halloween Town were nice is because they had original plots. Sure, Jack is still trying to improve on his formula for Halloween, but that’s because it’s what he does. Phil is just trying to get some games going and give Herc a challenge while keeping him in shape.

When we have to retread movie plots it just feels kinda boring. Genie is gonna be freed at the end, Alice doesn’t get executed, a milquetoast man gets the girl. We’ve been down this road. This is to say I sped through Agrabah rather quickly. I watched the cutscenes but I was just as uninterested as I was prior to this. Not to mention I had a thought that would’ve really turned things on it’s head.

Why not have Jafar corrupt Aladdin? Or the darkness in Aladdin’s heart make him greedy and he uses his final wish to destroy Jafar or imprison him? Like Jafar totally gets in over his head because it turns out Aladdin being beaten down all his life gave him far stronger desires the Heartless could corrupt. Is that too heady? Maybe too dark for a Disney story? This is the same studio that gave us Black Cauldron.

Why did we never get a Black Cauldron world? That would’ve been perfect. Anyway. I’m sad to report that the biggest flaw in the game I’ve found thus far has actually been Halloween Town. It honestly doesn’t serve much purpose outside of cred with the emo crowd. Oogie is part of the Disney cabal of villains, but beyond that what happens in Halloween Town serves no purpose. There’s no princess, there’s just discussing how to construct a heart.

There’s a plot thread of Dr. Finkelstein trying to control the heartless which really should’ve been explored more and even possibly expanded upon in later games. But it’s dumped because it turns out you can’t control them unless you look like a dollar store Sephiroth with stand powers.

Speaking of Sephiroth, the fact they never utilized such an iconic FF character is criminal.Legit this should come with some sort of prison time. He’d have fit in so perfectly as a villain pulling the strings and could’ve been a figure that destroyed the world Leon and the others came from. Sephiroth also could’ve just been such a strong Heartless that he retained his form. If you really want to get into it, you could’ve said Jenova got unlocked and created Cloud as a Nobody and Sephiroth as a Heartless but due to their strength of will, they’re too badass to turn into mindless creatures.

Again! I’ve done it again! I keep coming up with ways I feel like this all could’ve been improved or things I would’ve liked to see as opposed to what’s in front of me. It’s not to say I have anything against the story being told to me currently. I think Kingdom Hearts does have a good story. Well, KH1 does. Maybe it’s because I know what’s going to come soon. I know what the future looks like and the twisted, confusing web that’s been woven over multiple handheld releases.

Maybe it’s also because the stories in Atlantica and Neverland were kind of...whatever. Hooks ship being a vessel they use to travel between worlds is kinda dope. Atlantica just sucks. Plain and simple. You swim around with annoying controls, slap Ursula in the face a few times, bam, done.

Hook honestly was the only thing that kept getting in my way playing on Expert. Everything else hasn’t been too bad, actually. Which is very surprising to me. I figured with the quadruple damage that can be done things would be a lot more annoying. That’s kind of a lie. Oogie’s first fight gave me a lot of trouble, but that’s mostly because that fight is a steaming pile of elephant shit.

I’m approaching the end and if there aren’t anymore road blocks, I’ll be starting Chain of Memories which I’ve never had the opportunity to play before. So, that should be exciting. Maybe. I know it’s a remake of a Game Boy Advance game. I sort of wish I could play the original honestly. Remakes are fine and all, but I’d have liked to have experienced the game as it was released. At any rate, hopefully this rant was at least pleasant to read or someone finds my brain droppings entertaining.

Maybe internet archeologists will find this blog centuries from now and this will  be the basis for our society. If so, how do you do, future space man. We were ruled by apes. 

[baradorable]

My opinions on the current anime season. I’ll go over come popular shows and try to warm you up to some hidden gems.

Attack on Titan (Season 4)

I ended up liking this show a lot more than I thought I would. I ended up binging the first three seasons in like a week. Now I’m impatiently waiting for more episodes.

I will say that I’m kind of mixed on this one, though. Like I know they want to flesh out the country of Marley, make the war less one-sided and establish how villainous Eren is later, or whatever. I preferred it when the characters were fighting the enigmatic, monstrous force of titans. The political drama was like the least interesting parts of season 3. (That, and Eren being kidnapped for the millionth time.) Regardless, I’m still liking what we have so far, and there’s only one thing that makes me hesitate.

Gabi Braun. Fucking Gabi Braun. She’s so fucking obnoxious. She’s like Eren, except without the character traits that made him interesting. We have less reason to care about her, and her story is mostly just a retread of Eren’s. And I’d tolerate that if she wasn’t such an obnoxious cunt all the damn time. “But euuhughhg Gabi is a kid and she’s brainwashed! She’s actually really well-written!” Yeah, but she’s still an annoying little shit and less sympathetic than the other Marleyans we’re focusing on. She shouldn’t be the main focus character.

“Did you see it happen?” BITCH. There’s being brainwashed and there’s being a fucking moron. And don’t give me that “Well, in real life, brainwa-” Yeah, I don’t care. She’s not real. The only thing real about her is the headache she gives me.

So she’s this unlikable kid who came in and killed a fan-favorite character. I loved Sasha. Everyone did. But I’ll live. (Unlike her.) But she just HAD to be killed by fucking Garbage Braun of all people. Honestly, if Falco killed Sasha, I’d get over it. He’s a way better character than Gabi. I could go on and on about how he works better on a fundamental level, but none of you are even reading this post in the first place. So whatever.

8/10

Beastars (Season 2)

It’s good. I don’t like it as much as season 1, but I’m enjoying it a lot. It’s not a show I actively wait for, but it’s always pleasant to see.

7.5/10

Cells at Work!! Code Black

I never saw the original Cells at Work, but this show makes me not want to. Because I don’t think it would be as good as Code Black.

For those who haven’t seen it, Cells at Work is basically about humanized cells working in a body. You follow a red blood cell as they deliver oxygen, and you encounter all sorts of issues and quirks you see in a body. From sicknesses, to infections, to even cancer, you actually learn a lot. It’s genuine edutainment.

Black is set in a body that’s incredibly unhealthy. The characters are scrambling to survive and keep a failing body going. There’s this growing sense of dread each episode as the body grows worse and worse. You get frustrated because these characters don’t deserve the Hell they go through, and you just want to shout at the human to eat healthy, quit smoking and shape up. Because you care about the cells and want them to have a better work environment.

It’s really fun and makes me feel guilty for my unhealthy habits.  

7.5/10. Maybe 8/10 if these last few episodes keep up the momentum.

Dr. Stone

I really liked season 1, and I’m liking this season so far as well. I prefer the set-up and use of tech in season 1, season 2 is kind of moving too fast with tech while the story is a little slow. But despite all that, this show is still great and is on track to becoming a classic. If it weren’t for Attack on Titan, it would be Anime of the Season for me.

8/10

Jobless Reincarnation: 

A 40-year-old NEET gets isekai’d into the body of a baby. You watch this child with an adult mind grow up and learn about this magical fantasy world. It’s pretty good, I like it. It has good humor, nice characters, interesting lore, and a fun magic system. 

If you ever watched Isekai Cheat Magician? (Of course you didn’t. No one did.) This is what Isekai Cheat Magician wishes it could be.

I give this show a 7/10. It loses points because it made me think of Isekai Cheat Magician just now.

Ex-Arm

No words. Except four words: Go watch this show.

Oh boy. This show is. This show is a doozy. If I had to explain, I would say it’s like... shit. Because it is shit. But it’s very entertaining shit.

The story and characters are cool, but unimportant. You just can’t get into them because the animation is the highlight of the story. It just blows every other aspect of the show out of the water.

What kind of animation are we talking about? If I had to describe it, it would be the visual equivalent of that girl on Tik Tok who made a video series where she plays a Jewish girl during the Holocaust. It’s like a present you would give your eyes, if you hated them and wanted them to die.

Some characters are 2D, but the rest are 3D. And not even good 3D, because this shit is worse than those bootleg mobile games with stolen assets that don’t fit together. They had to censor kisses because they couldn’t animate lips moving, and pushing their faces together would just make their models clip. One of the characters has a wide-eyed smile all the time, no matter the situation, because there’s like no animation for her expressions. This show makes the 3D Pokemon games look like fine art.

Another thing I’d like to mention is the opening song, if only because I can’t tell if it’s good or terrible. I genuinely can’t tell if I like it ironically, or unironically. Either way, it’s perfect for this show.

So yeah, I love this show. It’s such a fucking mess in the best way. It always brings a smile to my face. I just wish the story was bad, so I can have another level of awfulness to enjoy. This show never fails to make me smile. Anime of the fucking decade right here.

HELLO, HELLO/10

Kemono Jihen

It’s kind of like Inuyasha, except without the humans, Naraku has big boobs, the Shikon Jewel/life stones aren’t that important yet, Bakugo from My Hero Academia is on the cast, everyone is a 12-year-old with bad fashion sense, and it’s a lot more generic in premise and execution.

So, nothing like Inuyasha. Honestly it’s more like My Hero Academia in terms of vibes. I still enjoy it though. My favorite character is probably the little fox girl because I like her design. But I also like the little fox boy because I’m not entirely sure what game he’s playing, but I’m into it. 

6.7/10

Redo of Healer

It’s basically just rape hentai with a budget. Honestly, I appreciate the boldness of the show, if anything. (Aside from the fact that they don’t show any dick or vag. How cowardly.) The sex scenes are decent and frequent, so no complaints there. I’m not really into rape (been there, getting raped isn’t fun), but a true hentai connoisseur can still appreciate it.

Plot-wise, it’s neat. Making the main character a revenge-seeking rapist fighting even worse rapists is an interesting take. And there’s a lot of fun creativity in how he uses his powers, though I wish they explained them more. Like I get how he’s doing everything, but breaking it down would make them feel more intriguing. He’s also a broken self-insert power fantasy, but it’s nice seeing one that’s smart, evil and methodical. 

In execution, it’s a pretty generic story with generic settings and plots. The lead’s carrying the whole thing, though I can’t help but like the villains for being so over-the-top evil. If nothing else, the audacity and sex scenes make this show worth watching. Pretty entertaining.

Re: The harem. Setsuna is too young and innocent for my tastes, but I like her. The white-haired girl is cool, she’s my favorite even though she hasn’t really done anything yet. Freia’s meh, but I like the idea of her being a major cunt despite the memory wipe. 

I give this one five rapes out of ten. And if you like this show, I recommend reading that one Megg, Mogg & Owl comic where the characters become obsessed with rape-based puns.

Re:Zero (Season 2, second half)

I love this show. The first season was pretty good. The second half of season 2 was also pretty good, and the plot was shaping up to be great. But now we’re in the second half of season 2, and it’s meh. Which is really disappointing for such a great show.

Like, I get what they’re trying to do: they’re shaping up alliances, digging into the characters’ pasts, moving everyone forward, yadda yadda. But this arc is so slow now. It feels like we’ve seen nothing but flashbacks, characters standing around and talking, flashbacks, more talking, flashbacks. There’s so little action to break things up. The mystery and exploration from earlier episodes is gone, since we pretty much understand the important things. We’re just left waiting for the things they’ve been building up to, to finally happen. 

“AEUUGHG You’re Just an action anime fanboyyy, this is serious plot and excellent story!!” It’s endless exposition, flashbacks that go on way too long, and characters standing around and repeating the same points over and over. Compare how the story was delivered in the previous season. 

6/10

The Promised Neverland (Season 2)

Boy, did this show go off the rails in only a few episodes. What the fuck is even going on in this show anymore?

I ranted about this show on Twitter, but it pisses me off. Season 1 was a well-crafted, suspenseful show about these kids using their brains to unravel the mysteries around them, plan a daring escape from their captors and try to survive in a world of monsters. It was easily one of the best anime of 2019.

Season 2 skips about 80 chapters and off-screens tons of development. Like Norman fucking shows up in season 2, all fine and dandy with his own personal army of freaks. Also he lead his own escape, learned a ton of info AND found a way to auto-kill all their enemies, and we didn’t even get a flashback of any of this. Now Emma’s bitching about saving demons, even though they’re all assholes who probably wouldn’t change their ways even if they could. But she’s an iDeAlIsSTTT!!!!! But she was an idealist last season and had to learn how to compromise when faced with the reality of the situation? And the whole William Minerva plot, which was a major driving force in the last season, was handwaved away and unceremoniously dropped?

So yeah, I dropped it after episode 4 or 5. It’s not even fun to hate-watch I’d give it a 3/10 on its own, but it gets a -2/10 for ruining a great legacy.

Sk8

Free!, except they’re skating instead of swimming. It’s a well-animated show with an interesting premise: undergound gay skateboarding. The battles are fun, the characters (while cliche) are appealing, and it’s fun. And yeah. 

But I dropped this one because Langa is boring as a lead. Canadians, they don’t deserve representation. He’s a fine character besides that, but he’s gotten way too much screentime over the other protag, Reki. Reki was just pushed aside and the show quickly became about Langa. Which is sad, because I feel like this show would have benefitted from making them both stars. Especially since the characters’ friendship is a key selling point.

Ended up dropping this show. I read through later comments that they’re making a plot point about Reki falling behind, but even the fans are having their doubts that he’ll have a satisfactory story. And even if they make him a real protag again, the show’s been so imbalanced that I don’t think it’ll matter. Especially since we only have like 4 episodes left.

6/10

Yashahime

The sequel to Inuyasha, staring Sesshomaru and Rin’s twins, and Inuyasha and Kagome’s daughter. Except 2/3rds of the main cast are dull, and most of the stories are blatant retreads of Inuyasha plots, starring retreads of Inuyasha characters.

Think I’m kidding? The first episode was about Mistress Three-Eyes (Mistress Centipede but with three eyes instead of two) coming to eat the character’s magic sacred jewels. Rainbow fucking pearls, what the hell is this shit plot. Fuck you.

“Euhrghhghgh but they’re just paying homage to the old show!” Nah, they’re fucking ripping it off every step of the way. 

The most frustrating thing about this show is how Moroha, Inuyasha and Kagome’s daughter, is such a great character. She has great dynamics with other characters because she’s so lively. She has the best traits of her parents, while still being unique on her own. Then you have Sesshomaru’s kids, who are just Kagome 2 and Tsundere. The latter has more depth than that, but she’s  not that great anyway.

Guess who’s the focal point of the series? The fucking Kagome knock-off, followed by the tsundere. Moroha is a minor character who is often forgotten by the plot, or reduced to a joke. The already-boring plots are exacerbated by them ignoring best girl to focus on 

And I’m not alone on this, too. Read all the anime forums, pirating websites, and pretty much anywhere talking about this show. Moroha is the most popular character, far and away. People like her way more than the twins. 

4/10

[saferincages]

a couple of weeks ago, a friend showed me this amazing post (where the photos are far better than mine, which just didn’t want to turn out at all) of @the-far-bright-center‘s beautiful, sparkly Force Ghost Anakin, and it brought me such joy (I was maybe giggling excessively...), and today he arrived in the mail as a surprise gift! 💖

I want to take a moment to appreciate this bio, and the “weapon of choice” being loyalty and love, because it is. a lot.

this could be a very silly post (okay, it already is), but it actually gives me an opportunity to talk about something that I’ve never had a chance or reason to discuss before without some frame of context, so here is an unbelievably overemotional story (one of many regarding Star Wars’ history and special place in my life, I could write a series of these focused of specific themes and characters in all honesty) that no one really needs, but that I feel compelled to write anyway.

I’ve written before about my first experience seeing Revenge of the Sith (most recently here), so I apologize for retreading a certain amount of ground, but it’s important to know what the state of my life was at that time, which was a frightening, burned out shambles. ROTS premiered in May 2005, I believe I had just completed the physical therapy I’d been undergoing since the car accident we had that February. I was extraordinarily ill, and no one knew why (diagnoses were forthcoming), I was rapidly losing weight, and at the time, the scariest thing for me, was that I had no choice but to withdraw from school. Academia, which was such a constant for me, wasn’t even going to be on the horizon. I was, in short, not okay. I felt almost hollow in that uncertainty.

That midnight premiere was incredible, exciting, emotionally fraught, and I remember the weight and the sorrow of it hitting me in a very profound way when we got home, at which point I crawled into my bed and sobbed. I saw it several times that summer, but the final time (which is also a story a couple of my friends know, but I don’t think I’ve posted about it publicly?) was on my birthday that September. It is a crystalline memory. I can recall everything about that day, even what we ate (the cinnamon rolls my mom made for breakfast, the vanilla chai tea I had at Borders that afternoon), because it was the last birthday I had when certain things were not yet permanent, when I was still in the misty place between before and after. By then, the film had moved to our local little budget theatre, and seeing it that way, with a handful of other people rather than with a big, enthusiastic crowd, lent it an intimacy and poignancy which struck me on a wholly different level. (That was also the night Supernatural premiered, which is an aside, but don’t doubt for a moment that the events are inextricably emotionally connected for me.) September, and I should have been in school, but I wasn’t. I had no idea at that point that I never would be again, but I was frightened, and sad, and deeply angry. Anger isn’t a feeling I’d had a lot of experience with, I was a sweet, shy, overly sensitive, naive child (and teenager), but I didn’t often deal with anger, and then I usually sublimated anger with grief and guilt instead (and those things were warring in me, too, and of course I still carry them), but the anger at the unfairness of it all, at how cruel it was that this had happened to me, at how much I hated my own body for turning against me, how I irrationally hated myself for not being better or stronger or able to fight it, was consuming and yet almost childish, as though being ill was causing a perpetual temper tantrum in my mind.

My touchstone in the prequels was always Padmé, and she deserves her own post, but she was so inspiring to me, her compassion and her goodness and her belief in justice, her loving nature and her femininity and her tender heart being strengths, and never undermining her bright spirit, her keen mind, her ability to lead, her powers being her forgiveness and empathy and kindness. I love her so much and she had (and continues to have) such meaning for me. 

It took me by surprise when the aching heart of my identification in ROTS plunged more towards Anakin. I loved him too, and I had a lot of varied, complicated feelings about him already, about his gentleness and his trauma, about the immensity of his capacities and his contrasts, but this was the fall, the dark hour of the story, the nadir of everyone’s suffering, and so much happens at his hand, because of his tragic choices. When I was reading the novelization, I didn’t know what to do with the fact that I understood certain aspects of his struggling in such a harrowing way, and seeing it playing out made that even more acute. Those choices he makes out of desperate fear aren’t rooted in evil, they’re driven by the chasm of grief and terror of loss, and they’re mixed with disillusionment and disappointment and frustration. Up until the moment when he walks into the Jedi Temple, when we really see him cross a line he cannot return from, hope for a course correction seems possible. Even knowing what’s coming, it’s like...just turn back. You can still fix this. It ripped my heart out because of course he wouldn’t, he couldn’t. There’s the scene where he’s denied the title of Master, and his outburst at the council (“this is outrageous! it’s unfair!”) is tinged with an adolescent level of upset, but...of course it is. He’s still so young and he wants to trust them, it’s not ambition causing that fury, it’s desperation for inclusion, for some measure of respect, and he keeps being refused. It’s a strange analogy because the things holding me back had nothing to do with a council of old men deciding my fate, all my hindrances were physically trapping me in my own body, the jury denying me the ability to move ahead was my own failing immune system, but I understood his rage, because I wanted someone I could yell at. The person I was so terrified of not being able to save, of having to watch die, wasn’t my beloved, it was...me, the girl I was, the girl I dreamed of becoming. I’ve talked so many times about feeling like I let her down, like I’m the ghost of her, the revenant walking around in a shape that vaguely resembles her, but at that point, she wasn’t gone yet, she was just rapidly slipping away. I didn’t know what to do to save myself. People would say it wasn’t my fault, to let it go (which felt a lot like being told the useless “mourn them do not, miss them do not”), that I was still here, I didn’t ask to get sick, and I knew, logically, that was true, but emotionally all I felt was that crushing guilt and despair (all of this remains a lingering struggle). I didn’t want to be powerless. I would have clung to something that offered me a way out. I knew where Anakin, conflicted and misguided as he was, was coming from, and it eroded everything that made him good and heroic and kind, so the only power I had left was to fight against it and keep the anger at bay.

This is such a specifically personal thing that I won’t get into the analysis of what happens in regards to his descent (which I also expounded upon in that other post anyway), but every time it happened, the same muscle memory seemed to take hold of me, my hands would shake and I’d press them together, my chest would pound, I’d bite my lip to try not to cry. I have this overwhelming fear of fire, so Mustafar was its own nightmare, and I’ve literally only watched the immolation scene once (that first time, at the midnight showing), otherwise I close my eyes tightly shut. I don’t even like seeing gifs of it. But because of what I was going through at the time, what I’ve gone through since, the physical aspects of him so painfully and horrifically losing himself, being so stripped of his humanity that hardly anyone ever looks at or acknowledges him as a person again (until Luke) held its own terror (it’s such an awful metaphor when it’s examined, and it’s that re-enslavement, he did not choose that reconstruction) because I didn’t understand what was happening to me physically, and because so many people were questioning the veracity of my pain and my incapacitating illness, were treating me as somehow less (ableism wasn’t even a word in my vocabulary yet, I just thought maybe everyone had a point and I didn��t deserve the space to be heard or understood, since so much of what I was going through was invisible). I genuinely felt like my personhood and my agency was being taken away. I didn’t have school, I was quickly isolated from everyone else and kept in the (comforting yet confining) cage of my room, I didn’t know who I was supposed to be anymore, and I didn’t know what to do if no one would listen or believe me (my mom aside). The torture Anakin is put through in that conversion to Darth Vader is unimaginable and I don’t want to dwell on it, but there’s a passage from the novelization that goes in part: “The first dawn of light in your universe brings pain. The light burns you. It will always burn you...You can hear yourself breathing. It comes hard, and harsh, and it scrapes nerves already raw, but you cannot stop it. You can never stop it. You cannot even slow it down...now your self is all you will ever have...and within your furnace heart, you burn in your own flame.” It’s such a wrenching description that some part of me separated it out from the villainous aspect, because the rest of it felt true. My nerves were raw and burned with sensation, touch and too much strain hurt, but my heart persistently, stubbornly kept beating, and I was left sifting through the alternating aspects of its passions (both the transcendent and the desolate).

This isn’t at all “excuse or justify the things Vader did” (since, again, this isn’t actual analysis, it’s sentimental personal nonsense), because of course I do not and never would, but the depth of empathy I had for Anakin, as a person and as a lost soul (and a lost future), and the way that left an imprint on me right at the onset of my illness became indelible.

There’s a point to this, I promise.

George Lucas did re-editing and reworkings of the original trilogy and I’ve never minded any of it, because they were his to edit and fix up if he wanted to do so, and little extra CG snippets of planets and creatures only expands the universe in my mind. That said, I realize adding Hayden’s Anakin at the end of Return of the Jedi was divisive, even upsetting for some, but for me it was everything. I’ve hesitated to ever reblog gifs of the scene because I felt like I had to justify or explain why I hold it so dear before I did, so this is my chance to do that. 

As a child, I never felt really connected to the fleeting glimpse of Sebastian Shaw (my mom actually remembers me asking why he was so “old,” apparently I reasoned at the time that Anakin should have been younger, I think because I imagined him then as more of a dashing hero, based on Obi-Wan’s description in A New Hope). Anakin never lived as that image of a more middle aged man, that was never who he was within Vader’s suit, and there was always an evincive resonance that I was seeking. Once Attack of the Clones came along, Hayden was my Anakin, he was the embodiment of that character, and I loved him, and I loved his performance (and saw so much nuance and layering in it despite what was often said). Yet one of the last images we witness of him is burning on that scorched lava shore. It’s devastating. 

Luke’s unwavering faith that some glimmer of his father still exists, that goodness can’t ever be entirely erased, that love will overcome, that throwing aside his weapon is an act of bravery and grace, is the moment when Anakin is finally released from that. “He takes the ounce of good still left in him and destroys the Emperor out of compassion for his son.” Balance is restored, and redemption is very small and quiet, not a washing away of violence, but a ceasing of it. It’s the hope that we can always find salvation, that we can still choose to act in love.

When Luke turns around and sees those spirits watching over him, benevolent and glowing and one with the Force, Anakin is his beautiful self again, as the description on this little package says, restored to the “hopeful young Jedi he once was.” The first time I saw that edit of the film, I wept. That was the connection I’d been looking for, the understanding that we’re never wasted, that our souls endure and are mended, that we can choose light, no matter how lost we feel we are, that love can persevere and illuminate even the longest night. It reminded me that I wasn’t only my body, no matter how much it hurt, no matter how it felt like it was collapsing on me, no matter how often I felt like I was failing to be the person I thought I would be, my body could never capture the entirety of who I was, or am. My spirit could still shine, my heart could still be soft.

Anakin says to Padmé in AOTC, “Compassion, which I would define as unconditional love, is essential to a Jedi's life, so you might say we are encouraged to love.” It’s one of my favorite scenes because it’s so sincere, and yet so richly layered in its meaning. And in the end, this is fulfilled, this belief is proven right.

People may think the idea of the Force is hokey, but because of the way I was brought up, and the intense theological discussions that used to be framed around it (particularly by my dad, we used to do this over e-mail back in the olden days of dial-up, I wish I had those conversations saved), it was a really important, formative concept for me. The Force is connectivity, it’s like a variant of the belief in Tikkun olam that parts of the vessels of the divine used to shape the world shattered, and their shards became sparks of light trapped within the material of creation, and thus exist and persist in all of us, in all the diverse and breathtaking life around us, and that we should respect and cherish that life. “The best expression of the Force is not a lightsaber fight or other combat techniques. It’s really about your connection to life, to everything around you, and your ability or willingness to let go, to find peace, and ultimately become a selfless part of existence...in the end there is no power that aids [Luke], except the power of compassion and love; the act of forgiveness and apparent self-sacrifice is what saves his father from the dark side.” 

It’s the idea that there’s something eternal within all living things, something powerful and connected that binds us together, that means we affect one another, and that we make choices as to whether those influences are for the better (or not). That we can decide to increase the power of light and warm energy in the universe. The idea that we’re not limited to our physical selves, that we’re luminous, radiant, possible beings. That we can reach out in love and compassion to heal the world, even if it’s only in small ways, even if we’re the only ones who see it exist, who know it happens, and still the summation of that additional light can radiate everywhere.