#though my no 1 is still Ayn

[lesserpane]

[dangopango00]

After Last Night (2)

Waking up with him after a hookup

Pt. 1 | Pt. 2 |

FAT/LBC men x gn reader (Ayn and cael)

CW: Suggestive, cael (sorry i like him i just happen to also like hating on him), ok genuinely cael but its the fact that in his blurb MC is kind of your daughter

A/N: Ayn is my fave but i dint do him in part one to keep me motivated to finish part two 💀💀 mind games also im acc so obsessed with step parent reader wtf thats so cute

more utc

AYN / AI YIN (艾因）

- SCENARIO: Ayn is very aloof and he doesn’t drink so he’s not sleeping with anyone he doesn’t know well; you two are very close. You’re in the music club and trying to pick up/get better at an instrument and you pestered Ayn into giving you tips until you became so close that he basically acted as your tutor. Tbh you’re probably already in a situationship and you’ve probably kissed a few times but nothing crazy, you’ve never pushed it that far— well that is until last night. You hadn’t seen each other in a long time just because you were both busy and Ayn missed you so he had you come to his hideout and well shit happened

- He wakes up first but is incredibly out of it like there’s still drool dribbling out of his mouth and he’s only really half awake; he kinda looks dead in his stupor

- He’d probably just pull you closer, lay on you and go back to sleep to be so honest; he can order takeout for the two of you later

- He tangles himself with you like unbrushed hair. His legs and arms are all wrapped around you and he’s trying to get as close to you as possible and his breath is tickling your neck with how much he nudges his head against you and gives you a quick kiss before he goes back to sleep

- His bedhead usually isn’t messy because he doesn’t move a lot in his sleep but after last night his hair is more messy than usual because of how much he’s pushing his head against you lol

- Even if you wake up he won’t let you get up. Go back to bed, he missed you; he just kisses you until you give up but if you’re hungry he’ll order something from his phone

- Likes if you trace parts of his body while you’re laying down like his collarbones or running your thumb down his chest. Keep it below the head though, otherwise the ticklish feeling will bother him while he’s trying to sleep (he’s such a princess 🙄)

- Is actually pretty chill about the whole thing; it was only a matter of time in his opinion and will be a little confused if you’re super embarrassed because you’ve already made out before it’s not that crazy

- He thinks the situation is pretty simple honestly he’s just gonna invite you on dates and confess which does admittedly take a bit of time because he wants to do something special and you’re a little nervous when he doesn’t confess or anything but when he does it makes the wait 100% worth it

CAEL / YE XUAN (叶瑄）

- SCENARIO: OKAY. I’ve thought about this one deeply because Cael is like I think a confirmed virgin so he would have to be suuuperr close with you to want to hook up. So in my delusional little head you are a very old friend of his who helped him basically raise MC. You weren’t formally her step parent but you helped out where you could and ended up becoming close with the two. At first Cael was just grateful to have you for help and as a dear friend but as time went on he started to notice you more and more. You lived together and seeing you do random domestic things or just normal mundane things like doing laundry or gardening or sth was driving him insane. It just built up and randomly one day when you were getting ready for the day he suddenly kissed the back of your neck and confessed and things just escalated

- You wake up first and Cael is just lying so peacefully. He’s never felt more refreshed to be honest

- His bedhead is a little messy but it’s not really noticeable except for the bangs and he snores but he doesn’t really drool, doesn’t move much either; moves in between long intervals

- You run your fingers through his hair and kiss his forehead as he sleeps and you notice him crack a smile (he woke up a few minutes after you but he wanted to see what you’d do while he slept so he could tease you later)

- He loves it when you hold his face in your hands. His cheeks heat up and he has a small smile as he opens his eyes; such a small form of affection makes him feel so warm inside and he can’t help it

- He’d take your hands in his and kiss them then leading you to the kitchen so you can make breakfast together

- After all. That his infatuation is boosted like x10 like he starts drawing you just doing normal activities, thinking about you while in the middle of a battle among many other things

- However, he hasn’t slept with you since that night because he’s really worried

- He doesn’t really know how nor does he think he should pursue a committed relationship with you because tbh he could die at any moment and he has enough responsibility as is; it sounds harsh but he doesn’t want to have to worry about you and vice versa. It’ll take a lot of convincing and persistence to get him to realize that no matter what you’ll be by his side and that you want to take care of him and MC too— that you will always care about him no matter how much he distances himself

[ripeteeth]

For the book asks: 1, 8, 19?

book you’ve reread the most times?

Hmm, fuck. That's a great question. Barring children's books, it's probably Tigana by Guy Gavriel Kay. When I was younger, my grandmother would take me to the bookstore every time I visited her (she lived in another state so I saw her a couple of times a year) and I was allowed to always pick out one book. I got that one when I was about 14? It was my first time reading anything like that, where nothing was wholly black and white and the POV shifted to the character you previously assumed was the villain, only to realize that they were perfectly human with their own hopes, dreams, aches, miseries, and desires. It really floored me. I still love it.

8. what is the first book you remember reading yourself?

Ever? God, I have no idea. I remember reading a children's picture book of Rikki-Tikki-Tavi in kindergarten, but that was with my class (and I have extremely vivid memories of sitting on a blue tarp in the middle of that classroom, the Waipahu breeze coming through the open door, and my crush's knee pressed up against mine while we read the book). I remember that around first grade, I really loved The Magic School Bus, The Teacher From The Black Lagoon, and as I got a little older, Sideways Stories From Wayside School, but I truly can't tell you the first book I remember reading. For adult books though, the first one I ever read by myself was What Looks Like Crazy On An Ordinary Day by Pearl Cleage, which I read when I was about 12 and snuck off my mom's bookshelf because I wasn't sure if I was supposed to be reading it. I pretty much fell in love with lit fiction after that and read a lot of it. My mom and I have bonded over that book, which was really amazing one to stumble on at that young age, as it centers on an HIV+ positive woman beginning a relationship and falling in love and stresses respect and enthusiastic consent in a beautiful way.

19. most disliked popular books?

YEAH BABY I'M A HATER.

Straight up, I gotta confess that I loathed This Is How You Lose The Time War, as I choked on the purple prose and lack of character development. I think that, if it had been marketed as a sort of prose poem, I would have liked it more, and I am genuinely very glad for the author that the book has recently had a spike in popularity. I also can't stand Love In The Time of Cholera, Prozac Nation, and literally anything by Ayn Rand, which I unfortunately read both We the Living and half of Atlas Shrugged because an old boyfriend worshipped her. (I was 18 and had no idea how fucked up she - or he - was, but damn that opened my eyes.) I also loathe Love You Forever, which I sold a bunch of when I worked at a bookstore and found really creepy.

Also, no hate to Neil Gaiman, but I find it very difficult to get into most of his books, though I did love Good Omens, but I think that there was enough of Pratchett in it to work for me. I've just accepted that Gaiman writes for an audience that isn't me, though he's lovely online.

[Wanna ask me book questions? Please do! I love to talk shit.]

[littleladymab]

recently my mindset has been "I just need to write something for myself i think that would fix me" after so many project deadlines. And since i finished the last one yesterday, I decided to celebrate by writing some OCs.

@bottlingsound sent me some prompts ages ago that I've been saving for a rainy day so here's "happy/modern!au" ayn and catoir 1) deciding what takeout to order and 2) reorganizing the bookshelf.

so, i wrote 650 words for myself (and Cara) and ah, much better, missed writing for these kids.

---

“Have you thought about what you want for dinner?”

Ayn doesn’t look up from where she’s contemplating the two different copies of Hamlet. Aren’t these both hers? What happened to Catoir’s copy? Hers carried her through her Shakespeare studies in undergrad and are filled with her cramped handwriting, but his is prettier and fits better with the aesthetic she is trying to form on this shelf. “You haven’t told me what the choices are.” 

Catoir’s socked foot nudges her shoulder and she laughs. “Last I checked, we haven’t moved since the last time we ordered take out. The choices are the same.” 

“What are you in the mood for?” 

He’s silent for a moment as he settles down behind her, spine to spine, and she waits for him to answer. But then he starts leaning back, forcing her to compress in towards the scattered Shakespeare in her lap. “Deep fried corn dogs,” he says in what must be his attempt at an American accent. “If I can’t feel my arteries clogging, then I don’t want them.” 

Ayn twists from beneath him and wraps her arms around him. “What will you do when I actually call you on your bluff?” 

Catoir tilts his head back against her shoulder and accepts the kiss that she places on his cheek. “If the day your mother dies is call for any sort of celebration—” 

She pinches his shoulder and he huffs out a laugh. “She’ll live for ever just to spite you.” 

“I’m convinced she’ll do that anyway.” 

Ayn hums in thought and reaches out to scroll through the app on his phone. “Thai,” she decides, selecting the restaurant. She lets him go and he sits up to put in their order, having to adjust his glasses from where she knocked them askew. “What happened to that fancy copy of Hamlet of yours?” 

“I think I gave it to Yutifu.” He turns and spots the two copies she’s once again contemplating. “It’s not that good that we need three versions.” 

“I know, but mine are both battered and used. It doesn’t match.” 

His gaze shifts from the books to the shelf. “What’s this, you’re trying to convince our guests that we have class?” 

Ayn blushes. “No,” she says, because that isn’t what she was trying to do but that’s certainly what it looks like now that she thinks about it. “I just wanted one shelf of pretty books together.” 

“They’re visiting us, they know what they’re getting into. The only person you’ll fool is Jocelyn.” 

With a roll of her eyes, she sets the Shakespeare aside. “Alright, fine. Shelf full of my extremely pretentious lit it is.” 

Catoir’s fingers brush through her hair and he presses a kiss to the top of her head. “Isn’t that just every shelf?”

“Cheeky.” 

“Food will be here in 45 minutes.” 

“Good.” Ayn stretches her arms up over her head, trying to relieve the uncomfortable hunch she had been sitting in. 

Catoir slaps her hand in a parting high-five. “Let me know if you need help.” 

“I think I got it, though I’ll probably still be organizing it while we watch TV. I want to get it done tonight.” 

“If you think that’s going to be your excuse for getting out of watching this show after you picked it—” 

With an overly dramatic gasp, she presses her hand to her chest and feigns a swoon. “I would never abandon you to such a fate!” 

He gives her one of his Serious(tm) looks over his glasses, though she knows him well enough that she is absolutely not cowed by it. She smiles winningly up at him, and because he knows her well enough, he’s absolutely not charmed. 

“Love you,” Ayn says and grins. 

Catoir grumbles something in response and turns away, but not before she spots the answering smile twitching at the corner of his lips. 

[ladystormcrow]

Thank you so much, @wheel-of-fish!

1) The last book I read:

The Judgment of Paris by Ross King. It's a wonderful nonfiction work originally recommended by @les-gnossiennes-fantomatiques, and I've recommended it to others (including my mom).

2) A book I recommend:

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter and its sequel The Last American Vampire, by Seth Grahame-Smith. Despite the silly-sounding premise, they're actually quite good, and the author clearly had a lot of fun doing his research and figuring out where and how to insert vampires into Western history (if you liked What We Do In The Shadows, you'll probably like these as well).

3) A book that I couldn’t put down:

I have a vivid memory from when I was 10-11 of staying up most of the night to finish Redwall by Brian Jacques. As an adult, I was fascinated by The Ghost Map by Steven Johnson.

4) A book I’ve read twice (or more):

The Stand by Stephen King -- I've re-read it every couple of years since I was 14.

5) A book on my TBR:

The Passion of Cleopatra by Anne and Christopher Rice. I remember enjoying the first Ramses the Damned book when I was a teenager (even though I was an ancient Egypt nerd who knew that a lot of the history details were wrong), so at some point I should probably check out the sequels as well.

6) A book I’ve put down:

I couldn't get through the first Twilight book because I found Bella Swan's POV so unlikeable (I don't mind protagonists who are meant to be deeply flawed and/or unreliable narrators, but I know Bella isn't).

7) A book on my wish list:

Raising Steam by Terry Pratchett. As big a Discworld fan as I am, I still have yet to read the last book (probably because part of me knows that once I do, there'll be no more to look forward to ... and now I've made myself sad).

8) A favorite book from childhood:

The Ear, the Eye and the Arm by Nancy Farmer (and it's still one of my favorites).

9) A book you would give to a friend:

Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett. I've loved the book since high school, and loved the show as well, so I'd want anyone who enjoyed the latter to also check out the former.

[Where oh where is Number 10?]

11) A nonfiction book you own:

I, Rigoberta Menchú. I read it some years ago as research for an (unfinished) original novel with a Guatemalan-American protagonist.

12) What are you currently reading:

Ayn Rand and the World She Made by Anne C. Heller (I started it months ago and I'm trying to finish it now).

13) What are you planning on reading next?

I'll have to see what strikes my fancy :D

No shelfie right now because most of my hard copy books are still at my parents' house, but I'll be visiting them this weekend and can get one then.

Tagging: @cornistasiathecoblinking @wishuponastarion @nientedal @bluerayofsunshine @thoughtfulrxven

13 books!

I was tagged by @consistantly-changing (thanks!) to answer these 13 questions, tag 13 people and, if desired, add a shelfie! I looove this one!

1) The last book I read:

Emily Wilde's Encyclopaedia of Faeries by Heather Fawcett, which is a departure from my usual fare; I just wanted something fun and cozy. I was pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed it!

2) A book I recommend:

Ugh, so so many. uhhh how about The Vanishing Half by Brit Bennett

3) A book that I couldn’t put down:

My Brilliant Friend by Elena Ferrante (that whole series, really)

4) A book I’ve read twice (or more):

Uprooted by Naomi Novik

5) A book on my TBR:

A new one I'm excited about that I'm on the hold list for at the library is The Warm Hands of Ghosts by Katherine Arden.

6) A book I’ve put down:

Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy. I don't know if I wasn't in the right headspace for it, or if I'm just too dumb. Probably both. I would like to try it again sometime, though.

7) A book on my wish list:

The Handbook of Bird Biology by the Cornell Lab of Ornithology

8) A favorite book from childhood:

The Secret Garden. I had a really pretty illustrated copy. I still have it, actually!

9) A book you would give to a friend:

Gilead by Marilynne Robinson

[There is no No. 10 I guess?]

11) A nonfiction book you own:

The Warmth of Other Suns by Isabel Wilkerson ugggh it's so good

12) What are you currently reading:

Waiting by Ha Jin and The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker

13) What are you planning on reading next?

I won't actually know until I get to that point. My reading mood changes with the wind. :P

And a shelfie! It's a couple months old, but I don't feel like taking a new one. (fwiw, a LOT of these are used or gifted, and I prune/donate them regularly)

Tagging @glassprism @musicalhell @bogglebabbles @les-gnossiennes-fantomatiques @rjdaae @ladystormcrow @forestscribe4 @a-partofthenarrative @jennyfair7 @pianomanblaine @lucy-ghoul @dying-suffering-french-stalkers @lestatslestits

[6peaches]

Chen Chen - Poem in Noisy Mouthfuls

Can’t stop eating you, movie-style extra butter microwave popcorn. Can’t stop watching you, rented movie about an immigrant family from Lebanon. Can't help but weep, seeing the family wave goodbye to relatives in the Beirut airport—tear salt mixing with popcorn salt. Can’t hide my mess, myself from the friend beside me. Can’t answer his question, Does it remind you of your family, leaving China? I want to say, No, it’s completely different, which in many ways it is, but really I’m remembering what a writer friend once said to me, All you write about is being gay or Chinese—how I can’t get over that, & wonder if it’s true, if everything I write is in some way an immigrant narrative or another coming out story. I recall a recent poem, featuring fishmongers in Seattle, & that makes me happy—clearly that one isn’t about being gay or Chinese. But then I remember a significant number of Chinese immigrants live in Seattle & how I found several of the Pike Place fishmongers attractive when I visited, so I guess that poem's about being gay & Chinese, too. So I say to my friend, I'm not sure, & keep eating the popcorn. Thank god we chose the giant “family size” bag. Can’t stop the greasy handfuls, noisy mouthfuls. Can’t eat popcorn quietly. Later, during my friend’s smoke break, still can’t come up with a worthy response to his radical queer critique of homonormativity, of monogamy, domesticity, front lawn glory. These middle-class gays picking out garden gnomes, ignoring all the anti-racist work of decolonization that still needs to be done—don’t you think they’re lame? I say, Yeah, for sure, but think, marriage, house, 1 kid, 2 cats—how long have I wanted that? Could I give that up in the name of being a real queer? Probably can’t. & it’s like another bad habit I can’t give up. Eating junk, can’t. Procrastinating, can’t. Picking scabs, can’t. Being friends with people who challenge my beliefs & life plans, can’t. Reading & believing in Ayn Rand, though? Can, Brief phase as a Christian because I liked the cross as an accessory? Can. WWJD? Can. White heterosexist patriarchy? Can. America . . . can’t. Can’t help but think, when we get back to the movie, how it was my father’s decision to move here, not my mother’s, just like the parents on screen. Can’t stop replaying my mother’s walk onto the plane, carrying me, though I was getting too old for it, holding me, my face pressed into her hair, her neck, as she cried, quietly—can’t stop returning to this scene of leaving, can’t stop pausing the scene, thinking I’ve left something out again, something else my mother told me. Like my grandmother at the airport, how she saw my small body so tied to my mother’s body, & still she doubted, she had to say, You better not lose him. & my mother kept that promise till she couldn’t, she lost me, in the new country, but doesn’t that happen to all parents & their children, one way or another, & don’t we need to get lost? Lost, dizzy, stubbly, warm, stumbling, whoa—that’s what it felt like, 17, kissing a boy for the first time. Can’t forget it. Can’t forget when my mother found out & said, This would never have happened if we hadn’t come to this country. But it would’ve happened, every bit as dizzy, lost, back in China. It didn’t happen because of America, dirty Americans. It was me, my need. My father said, You have to change, but I couldn’t, can’t give you up, boys & heat, scruff & sweet. Can’t get over you. Trying to get over what my writer friend said, All you write about is being gay or Chinese. Wish I had thought to say to him, All you write about is being white or an asshole. Wish I had said, No, I already write about everything— & everything is salt, noise, struggle, hair, carrying, kisses, leaving, myth, popcorn, mothers, bad habits, questions.

- Poem in Noisy Mouthfuls by Chen Chen

[queenlua]

Rules: tag 9 people you’d like to know/catch-up with:

Tagged by @zencribnotes (hi, yay, ty for the tag!)

Last show:

I watched season 1 of Columbo, mostly on the basis of “the creator of Phoenix Wright loved it,” and, man!  What a fun series.  There’s something relentlessly compelling about Columbo’s persistent aw-shucks demeanor combined with how his relentless undercurrent of “I’ve sunk my teeth in and will not let go”; the villains are generally compelling and smart with just a dash of the fatal arrogance/doth-protest-too-much that will be their undoing; I’m now weirdly entranced by 70s fashion; the slower pacing is pretty refreshing compared to modern shows; it’s good stuff.

The whole procedural-drama format is a genre didn’t really “click” for me until this past year or so, and it’s been a ton of fun exploring what the genre has to offer.

Currently watching:

I’ve been rewatching The Boondocks a bit, which is kind of a trip—like, mostly I just needed a fun sitcom to watch during dinner, and I remembered watching it on late-night TV as a kiddo—and it is fun, but it’s also from such a specific moment/era in comedy, yaknow?  Parts of it are acerbic on-point satire; other parts really miss the mark or, uh, haven’t aged well, let’s say.  The highs are still crazy-high, though.

Currently reading:

Reaganland: America's Right Turn 1976-1980 by Rick Perlstein.  Hilariously, I impulse-bought the ebook of this after listening to an interview with the author, thinking to myself, “this will be a good way to learn more about the Reagan era, which I’ve been meaning to learn about!”  So I started reading, and reading, and reading… and when I was 25% of the way in, I was like, “jfc, we’re STILL in 1976, when are we going to get to Reagan’s presidency?”  Which is when I (1) looked at the page count for the first time (“oh my god this is over a thousand pages”), and (2) looked at the subtitle for the first time (“oh we just. don’t even. get. to his presidency. oops”), and…. lol.

BUT AT THAT POINT I was already having a good time and pretty committed, so, whatever :P  It’s an interesting if intermittently-frustrating read.  So much of e.g. the US dems’ fundamental dysfunction, inability to grow a bench, weird flat-footedness in the face of obvious threats, etc, are just… there!  All the way back in 1976!  Time is a flat circle and I guess we’ll just have the same problems for decades and decades, sigh.

And wrt eg the feminist movement particularly (and also the movement for gay rights, and other social-progress-y movements), there’s such a palpable sense of what was already being lost, even before the New Right revolution had fully taken hold.  There was a moment of broad bipartisan consensus on a lot of important issues, and then… there wasn’t, lol.  Also there’s just a sense of dynamism/fearlessness you get from e.g. the book’s profile of Bella Abzug that, ironically, it feels like it’d be hard for a female politician to get away with nowadays—at least not while being as popular as she was at her height.

(I’m hoping to do a more in-depth writeup of this one on my Dreamwidth when I’m finished with it, but it’ll be a bit.)

Nonfiction:  See above.  Did I mention long book is long?  I may as well give a pitch for Matt Stoller’s newsletter, who does interesting deep-dives on how monopolies have distorted various sectors of the economy; I first found him via his writeup on the truck driver shortage, and while he’s hit-or-miss he’s more hit than misses imo

Last book: If we’re willing to count novella as book-length, it’d be “Beggars in Spain” by Nancy Kress, a smart lil scifi novella that won the Hugo/Nebula in the 90s.  I’ve been meaning to write a proper review of it, but to give an idea: after finishing, I read that the author wrote it in response to both Ursula Le Guin’s The Dispossessed and Ayn Rand’s work—I can see both those in the result, quite clearly, though the result feels more Le Guin-ish overall, and also the author wisely grounds the narrative in a very human conflict between sisters that lent it the emotional heft/realism it needed.

(If we’re going with Only Actual Books Allowed, it’s this silly lil mystery novel I read while on vacation; very much the kind of light entertainment one reads with beer in hand after a long day of birdwatching :P)

Tagging: if I follow you consider yourself tagged.  or don’t, whatever, only if you feel like it :P

[brittlebonesguy]

hyello ma'am

please answer all of the questions for the book asks :)

love u ❤️❤️

omg I love you. thank you for being the only person who ever send me asks my biggest fan 💕💕

1. book I've read the most times: I reread a lot of books from high school for some reason but I think the main one would be the lunar chronicles

2. top 5 books: I have a real problem with reading books that are just okay and not GREAT so I don't know how to answer this. thst being said I still really like six of crows and also pride and prejudice and Frankenstein <3

3. my favorite genre is either scifi or fantasy

4. section of bookstore I browse: the whole thing, but mainly the fiction and sci/fantasy sections. I I peak in the manga and comic sections

5. I buy books pretty sparingly in recent years. if I do I usually do thriftbooks or barnes and noble because I get gift cards for there

6. I haven't been reading too much the past month but I did just finish a book literally a few hours ago: legendborn. it was actually really good and I hope it ends with a throuple <3. I'm only saying actually because I had to stop reading two other books because I was just having a terrible time with them

7. I've been reading since like late elementary school and have the memory if a goldfish so I have no clue what got me into reading

8. the first book I remember reading would probably be some dr seuss type of shit. I also vividly remember sitting on my moms lap and reading kids books outloud with her but I don't remember what books those are

9. I tend to read fantasy the most

10. I don't really have any guilt with the books I read

11. I like a lot of non fiction but I don't read it too much so I don't have an actual answer for this

12. I really enjoyed Frankenstein in high school! that's pretty much it though

13. I used to have a goodreads but I ended up deleting it and using storygraph instead. I've been using that app since before it had an actual app for androids

14. I don't usually dog ear because I think it's fun to use random things as bookmarks. but i do underline or highlight things in some of my books. the main reason I don't mark up my books is because I get lazy with it so the beginning and end of a book will have lots of comments and the middle is completely barren (ie. my copy of the darkest minds)

15. I guess I'll review legendborn since that's the last thing I read. I was pretty into it from the start and then when the whole king arthur stuff first got introduced I was pretty 🙄 but I liked the main character and was interested in the mystery of her mom so I kept reading and im pretty glad I did. the writing was fun and I liked some of the characters. I think the author wanted me to care about more characters than I did which is my bad but in my defense some of them were really flat and gave me nothing to work with. I also liked how casually gay and non binary people were. this book was kind of littered with lgbt which was nice to see

16. I have fully read 10 books this year. started like 5 other ones and dropped two of them so not too bad

17. I don't really have any children's books to recommend

18. I do like period books, really any time period

19. most disliked popular books: I recently read strange the dreamer and hated it. I'm not sure how popular unearthed by megan spooner and amie kaufman (the starbound series bitches) is but I quite literally hated it. some others right off the dome explanations at the ready if asked: one flew over the cuckoos nest, you, the whole of the throne of glass series (unfinished to this day), anthem by ayn rand, the catcher in the rye

20. there's isn't anything that I look for specifically in books. it's mainly vibes. buy I do mainly go for women authors and if I pick up a man's books I try to gage if he'll be sexist or not

[backdroplock]

“Poem in Noisy Mouthfuls” by Chen Chen

Can’t stop eating you, movie-style extra butter microwave popcorn. Can’t stop watching you, rented movie about an immigrant family from Lebanon. Can't help but weep, seeing the family wave goodbye to relatives in the Beirut airport—tear salt mixing with popcorn salt. Can’t hide my mess, myself from the friend beside me. Can’t answer his question, Does it remind you of your family, leaving China? I want to say, No, it’s completely different, which in many ways it is, but really I’m remembering what a writer friend once said to me, All you write about is being gay or Chinese—how I can’t get over that, & wonder if it’s true, if everything I write is in some way an immigrant narrative or another coming out story. I recall a recent poem, featuring fishmongers in Seattle, & that makes me happy—clearly that one isn’t about being gay or Chinese. But then I remember a significant number of Chinese immigrants live in Seattle & how I found several of the Pike Place fishmongers attractive when I visited, so I guess that poem's about being gay & Chinese, too. So I say to my friend, I'm not sure, & keep eating the popcorn. Thank god we chose the giant “family size” bag. Can’t stop the greasy handfuls, noisy mouthfuls. Can’t eat popcorn quietly. Later, during my friend’s smoke break, still can’t come up with a worthy response to his radical queer critique of homonormativity, of monogamy, domesticity, front lawn glory. These middle-class gays picking out garden gnomes, ignoring all the anti-racist work of decolonization that still needs to be done—don’t you think they’re lame? I say, Yeah, for sure, but think, marriage, house, 1 kid, 2 cats—how long have I wanted that? Could I give that up in the name of being a real queer? Probably can’t. & it’s like another bad habit I can’t give up. Eating junk, can’t. Procrastinating, can’t. Picking scabs, can’t. Being friends with people who challenge my beliefs & life plans, can’t. Reading & believing in Ayn Rand, though? Can, Brief phase as a Christian because I liked the cross as an accessory? Can. WWJD? Can. White heterosexist patriarchy? Can. America . . . can’t. Can’t help but think, when we get back to the movie, how it was my father’s decision to move here, not my mother’s, just like the parents on screen. Can’t stop replaying my mother’s walk onto the plane, carrying me, though I was getting too old for it, holding me, my face pressed into her hair, her neck, as she cried, quietly—can’t stop returning to this scene of leaving, can’t stop pausing the scene, thinking I’ve left something out again, something else my mother told me. Like my grandmother at the airport, how she saw my small body so tied to my mother’s body, & still she doubted, she had to say, You better not lose him. & my mother kept that promise till she couldn’t, she lost me, in the new country, but doesn’t that happen to all parents & their children, one way or another, & don’t we need to get lost? Lost, dizzy, stubbly, warm, stumbling, whoa—that’s what it felt like, 17, kissing a boy for the first time. Can’t forget it. Can’t forget when my mother found out & said, This would never have happened if we hadn’t come to this country. But it would’ve happened, every bit as dizzy, lost, back in China. It didn’t happen because of America, dirty Americans. It was me, my need. My father said, You have to change, but I couldn’t, can’t give you up, boys & heat, scruff & sweet. Can’t get over you. Trying to get over what my writer friend said, All you write about is being gay or Chinese. Wish I had thought to say to him, All you write about is being white or an asshole. Wish I had said, No, I already write about everything— & everything is salt, noise, struggle, hair, carrying, kisses, leaving, myth, popcorn, mothers, bad habits, questions.

[fashournalist]

Conquering the Crown: Who Will Be The Next Miss Universe Philippines 2021?

Are you ready, Universe?

Tomorrow, the next Miss Universe Philippines will be crowned in Bohol, and I'd like to share my bets with you (as well as my thoughts on more candidates other than my Top 6. :)

But first, I have to admit I do have a bias for Cavite, Aklan, and Laguna because

1) Cavite is my birthplace and where I spent the first 16 years of my life;

2) Aklan is where my five dear brothers are from;

3) Laguna is where I spent seven eventful years as a UPLB student.

However, these biases aren't the sole reason I'm rooting for these representatives. I believe Victoria Velasquez Vincent, Leren Bautista, and Christelle Abello are really among the best candidates of this year's batch! VVV is actually my top one, followed by Katrina Dimaranan, Maureen Wroblewitz, and Ayn Bernos.

One of the smartest and most eloquent candidates of this batch, Victoria Velasquez Vincent from Cavite has emerged as the Interview Challenge winner, and rightly so. But she caught my attention even before that phase; her Runway Challenge was really impressive as well. As a heritage conservationist and architect, she's committed to solving environmental problems across the globe.

I really wish the winner would be a pure Filipino, but it so happened that VVV impressed me the most. She's half-Irish and half-Filipino, raised in New Zealand.

Now this one's a powerhouse. A pageant veteran, model, actress, and television host, I think (and thousands of others think, too) Katrina Dimaranan from Taguig is the most prepared of them all. She was appointed as USA's Miss Supranational 2018 and finished as 1st Runner Up at the world stage. She was also one of the title holders way back in Binibining Pilipinas 2012.

Kat's charming, authentic personality captivates anyone watching her or listening to her voice. You can see this through the way she nailed the challenges. And though she grew up in the US, she is a pure Filipina.

This woman needs no introduction--Maureen Wroblewitz, the winner of Asia's Next Top Model Season 5. Born in Saudi Arabia, she's a half-Filipina, half-German model and actress who is now representing Pangasinan as she fights for the crown. She has emerged as the Casting Challenge winner, but aside from that, all the results of the other challenges prove how excellent and enthralling she is as a model. Her intelligence can also be seen with every answer she delivers during Q&As.

The most inspiring candidate of all, Ayn Bernos of San Juan, proves that barriers can be broken and stereotypes can be shattered. Proudly standing at 5'3 with morena skin, Ayn represents the majority of Filipino people who are not influenced by foreign blood. I've closely followed her journey from the day she submitted her pageant application, and I'm so happy for her every step of the way. Her millions of followers on TikTok surely feel the same. We feel seen, we feel represented, we feel inspired to also reach for our dreams--no matter how impossible they may seem.

Ayn is a natural Filipina beauty, and she glowed further as she embarked on the road to the crown. Her wit, intelligence, and cheerful personality radiate in every appearance she makes, whether it's an interview or a commercial special by some of MUPH's sponsors.

With enchanting eyes, a driven attitude, and several beauty pageant titles under her belt, Leren Mae Bautista of Laguna is one of the most prepared candidates to represent the nation at the Miss Universe pageant this December.

I started knowing her through the tarpaulins in LB eight years ago. I was still in college, and Leren just won the crown of Miss Los Banos. She conquered the Binibining Laguna title as well. Since then, I knew this classic Filipina beauty and brain would one day captivate the world. Years later, she has placed as a 2nd Runner Up in Miss Globe 2019 and won in other pageants, too. Today, she's aiming for the universe and we all know she's ready.

Armed with an unstoppable grit, this dreamer put her life in the US on pause to once again fight for the crown of Miss Universe. Christelle Abello of Aklan has placed in the top 16 of last year's MUPH, and she has come back stronger this time around. Though she wasn't part of the Top 7 in the Interview Challenge, I think she's one of the most fluent and confident candidates.

Although she was born in America, she embodies the beauty of a real Filipina. I have to mention that I'm not a fan of her evening gown's design, but she still carried it well.

So there, now you know my Top 6! :) They've been my Top 6 for several weeks now, but this doesn't mean I'm not impressed by other candidates.

Michele Angela Okol of Siargao Island nailed the Preliminary Interviews! I haven't watched all the interviews since the KTX pass is just too expensive for me, but I was able to see a few on YouTube. And of them all, Michele's answers were the best. She was certain with her answers. Ingrid "Sam" Santamaria of Paranaque and Chela Grace Falconer of Misamis Oriental are some of the smartest and most fluent candidates as well. Sam placed second in the Interview Challenge.

The Filipina beauty of Janela Cuaton of Albay, Maria Corazon Abalos of Mandaluyong, Mirjan Hipolito of Angeles City, Simone Nadine Bornilla of Marinduque, and Princess Krista Singh of Pasig are some of the most outstanding in their batch. But I think the most outstanding beauty of all, is Jasmine Umali of Manila. She's like a living Mulan, or Barbie. And all these phenomenal women are smart and graceful, too!

Anyhow, if Gianne Asuncion of Cagayan Province wasn't diagnosed with COVID-19, for sure she would make it here and she'd be one of my bets. I hope she comes back next year, same with Maica Cabling Martinez of Nueva Ecija, who didn't make it in this year's Top 30.

You might be wondering why I haven't mentioned Steffi Rose Aberasturi of Cebu Province yet.

Honestly, I can't deny she's gorgeous from head to toe, well-prepared, talented, and confident, but I just cannot stomach supporting someone who supports Rodrigo Duterte. If she wins tomorrow, I will not bash her--I can see why she's one of the frontrunners--but I just cannot see myself rooting for her because of her political stance :( If she was not a DDS though, she would easily be one of my top bets, maybe my top 4 or top 5.

Steffi carries every outfit effortlessly, and her beauty can go from sweet and endearing to regal and fierce. I wish, before the national elections, her eyes would be opened to the atrocities of Duterte's war on drugs. (I also find Bea Luigi Gomez beautiful, but she said during the preliminary interview that the government is doing well. So, I'm afraid she might be a DDS, too. I hope not)

I know, people tell us to separate the pageant from political views, but the thing is, when a DDS gains more influence, they can influence voters to support Duterte, too. That's a real danger our country can no longer afford.

As for Kisses Delavin of Masbate, I'm inspired by her drive to pursue her dreams, not letting bashers stop her. But I just cannot see her wearing the crown, sorry :( I'm not a basher, I acknowledge she is beautiful, sweet, talented, kind, and smart. But I just don't see the fierce, palaban aura that we all need in a Miss Universe candidate. Never thought being baby-faced could be a disadvantage.

But anyway, if Ayn is slaying while breaking barriers and stereotypes, why can't Kisses, right? Kisses did well in every interview she handled. Although, I really didn't like her runway challenge where her hands were stuck on her waist. Good thing her walk improved in the swimsuit competition. Despite getting bashed and doubted, she fights with courage and passion, and that's something we can all learn from--whether we're part of Kissables or not.

Who will win tomorrow? I just can't wait to find out :)

I really wish I have the budget for a KTX pass so I could watch the coronation night in real-time. Sigh. That's 600 pesos! I'd rather spend it on samgyup. HAHA my love for food beats my love for pageants, even when I once dreamt to be Miss Universe myself lol.

How about you, guys? Who are your favorites? Who are your bets? Comment down below :) (wow youtube lang? haha)

Regardless of who wins, let's support her way to the crown. :) Go, proudly raise the Philippine flag, Miss Universe PH 2021!

PS. Photos came from Miss Universe Philippines' page, Philippine Star, and PeoPlaid. And I thank MS Paint because that's where I combined some of the photos haha.

[asma-al-husna]

Allah calls Himself Al-Waasi’— The All-Encompassing, The All-Sufficient, The Bountiless— on nine occasions in the Quran. Al-Waasi’ is beyond any limits in essence and has boundless capacities. He encompasses the whole of creation with His blessings, care, and kindness. He is the Self-Sufficient and is sufficient for all. Nothing is beyond Him, and there are no limits to any of His attributes; the mind simply can’t grasp His essence and power!

The All-Sufficient, Bountiful, and All-Pervading

Waasi’ comes from the root waw-seen-ayn, which carries three main meanings. The first meaning is that of being vast, sufficient in capacity or size, and spacious. The second main meaning of this root is to be plentiful and bountiful. The third is to embrace, comprehend, and pervade.

This root appears 32 times in the Quran in six derived forms. Examples of these forms are wasi’a (encompasses), wus’ahaa (its capacity), and waasi’atun (spacious).

The concept of waasi’ in the Arabic language points out to something that has no limits; it’s something too vast to imagine. This attribute of Allah is in itself limitless, just like His other attributes, such as His Giving, Seeing, Hearing, and Knowing.

Al-Waasi’ Himself says: . . . But if they separate [divorce] Allah will enrich each, from His abundance. And ever is Allah Encompassing and Wise [Quran, 4:130] … That is the favor of Allah; He bestows it upon whom He wills. And Allah is all-Encompassing and Knowing [Quran, 5:54] … Indeed, your Lord is vast in forgiveness [Quran, 53:32]

A Formula for Success

Al-Waasi’ inspires to a beautiful supplication with an amazing, encompassing answer stating His attribute of wasi’a. He says: And ordain for us good in this world’s life and in the life hereafter, for surely we turn to you. He said: (As for) my chastisement, I will afflict with it whomsoever I please, and my mercy encompasses all things; so I will ordain it (especially) for those who guard (themselves against evil) and pay the zakat and those who believe in our signs. [Quran, 7:156]

This is your formula for success: in your heart, have fear, as Al-Waasi’ is the Only One who can punish whomever he wishes to punish. Have hope, because His mercy encompasses everything. In your actions stay away from evil, purify yourself and your wealth, and believe in the signs explained to you in the Quran and in the universe.

How Can We Live By This Name?

1. Increase in praising Al-Waasi’.  He is the One whose attributes are immense. Everything connected to Him is immense and perfect. Al-Waasi’ is as He praised Himself. We cannot praise Him as He deserves but we can try to remember and praise Him as much as we can. Are we really saying subhanAllah, alhamdulillah and Allahu akbar all through the day, whenever we have a spare moment? Do we really keep our tongue moist with the remembrance of Allah? Remind yourself of this great attribute of vastness and increase your daily dhikr!

2. Contemplate His kingdom.  His Kingdom encompasses everything we can see and not see. To appreciate the limitlessness of Al-Waasi’, look at His creations. Look at the sky and the galaxy, the balance, the perfection and the spaces in the universe that are still unknown to us. Al-Waasi’ says: and the heavens we raised high with power, and most surely we make things ample. [Quran, 51:4]


3. Ask Al-Waasi’.  His power encompasses everything and there’s nothing Al-Waasi’ can’t do. ‪He’s never distracted by anything in his infinite sphere of activities and knowledge. He has sufficient means to respond to each single request in His tremendous dominion. So ask Him for every need you have and turn to Him with every worry you feel.

4. Be an ambassador of good.  His dominion is incredible and vast. Al-Waasi’ placed you on this world and watches your every move. All you did, do, and will do is embraced by His knowledge. Your only God is Allah; there is no god but He; He comprehends all things in (His) knowledge  [Quran, 20:98]. Take your role on this earth seriously and be an ambassador of Islam by showing good manners and calling others to Al-Waasi’.

5.  Never despair in any characteristic of Allah.  Despairing in any capacity of Al-Waasi’ means you are putting a limit on the One whose abilities are beyond any limit; may Allah protect us from this thinking! If you think that He can’t forgive you because you’re too evil, you’re denying this attribute because His mercy is limitless! So never despair in any of His roles, whether The Provider, The Judge, The Answerer of Prayers; be firm in faith that all His capacities cannot be limited by anything or anyone.

6. Be aware of your actions. Al-Waasi’ says: And to Allah belongs the east and the west. So wherever you turn, there is the Face of Allah. Indeed, Allah is all-Encompassing and Knowing [Quran, 2:115] Even though this ayah was revealed regarding the direction of the prayer (qibla),  you can also let it inspire you to be aware in your actions of the all-encompassing knowledge, hearing, mercy and might of Al-Waasi’!

7. Embrace others with your kindness.  Include all servants of Al-Waasi’ in your kindness and good treatment at all times and be gracious to people and be attentive to the requests of those who ask you.

Wallahu ta’alaa ‘alem.


O Allah, Al-Waasi’, we know that You are the One who encompasses everything and everyone. Make us of the dhaakireen— those who constantly remember Your vastness and perfection and whose actions reflect this awareness. Inspire us to contemplate Your endless dominion and make us turn to You for every request. Guide us in being good, kind, and just ambassadors of Your religion on this earth, and enable us in our faith to never doubt any of Your characteristics. Ameen!

[antheminmyheart]

A List of Books I Read In High School, 2012 - 2016

Bc I’m bored idk

We had a lot of Assigned Reading in high school, so this isn’t the full list, but includes the ones I can think of off the top of my head!

Freshman Year (2012-13):

—The Odyssey by Homer

My Rating: 3 Stars ⭐️⭐️⭐️ *

—Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson

My Rating: 4 Stars ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

*

—Of Mice & Men by John Steinbeck

My Rating: 5 Stars ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ *

—Romeo & Juliet by William Shakespeare

My Rating: 1 Star ⭐️ (But our reenactment of the sword fight was absolutely excellent)

*

—Anthem by Ayn Rand

My Rating: 4 Stars ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

*

Sophomore Year (2013-14):

—The Crucible by Arthur Miller

My Rating: 4 Stars ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ *

—The Book Thief by Markus Zusak

My Rating: 5 Stars ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ (one of my all time favorites)

*

—Night by Eliie Wiesel

My Rating: 3 Stars ⭐️⭐️⭐️

*

—To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee

My Rating: 4 Stars ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ *

—Frankenstein by Mary Shelley

My Rating: 2 Stars ⭐️⭐️

*

—Julius Caesar by William Shakespeare

My Rating: 2 Stars ⭐️⭐️ *

—Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury

My Rating: 4 Stars ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

*

—In Harm’s Way by Doug Stanton (this one was either Sophomore or Junior year)

My Rating: 4 Stars ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ *

—Unbroken by Laura Hillenbrand

My Rating: 5 Stars ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ (one of my all time favorites)

*

(I think I’m one of the only humans on this earth who never read The Great Gatsby. We were supposed to in 10th grade, but my English teacher hated the book so we read Night instead 😂)

Junior Year (2014-15):

—The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath

My Rating: 5 Stars ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

*

—The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini

My Rating: 5 Stars ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ (one of my all time favorites)

*

—The Road by Cormac McCarthy

My Rating: 4 Stars ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ *

—The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver

My Rating: 1 Star ⭐️

*

Senior Year (2015-16):

The Stranger by Albert Camus

My Rating: 2 Stars ⭐️⭐️ *

—Brave New World by Aldous Huxley

My Rating: 4 Stars ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ (We were the only AP Lit class that year so we made class shirts based off this book and I still have mine 😂)

*

—Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut

My Rating: 4 Stars ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ *

—Tess of the D’Urbervilles by Thomas Hardy

My Rating: 3 Stars ⭐️⭐️⭐️ (My teacher made me read my essay on this book aloud in class ASDFGHJKL)

*

—The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck

My Rating: 3 Stars ⭐️⭐️⭐️

*

—Hamlet by William Shakespeare

My Rating: 3 Stars ⭐️⭐️⭐️ *

—Fences by August Wilson

My Rating: 5 Stars ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ (We got to see the play in person after we read it and I LOVED IT SM)

*

—Our Town by Thornton Wilder

My Rating: 4 Stars ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

*

—A Doll’s House by Henrik Ibsen

My Rating: 5 Stars ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

*

—Long Day’s Journey Into Night by Eugene O’Neill

My Rating: 4 Stars ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

* (Holy shit, we read SO MANY plays for AP Lit Senior year)

(I lowkey love plays a lot though so it’s okay)

(And WE GOT TO SEE ONE IN PERSON)

[booksandwords]

Scythe by Neal Shusterman

Series: Arc of a Scythe, #1 Read time: 3 Days Rating: 4/5

The quote: We must by law, keep a record of the innocents we kill. And as I see it, they're all innocents. Even the guilty. Everyone is guilty of something, and everyone still harbors a memory of childhood innocence, no matter how many layers of life wrap around it. Humanity is innocent; humanity is guilty, and both states are undeniably true. — Scythe Marie Curie

Scythe is a popular and award-winning book, I start with this only because that was one of the reasons I wanted to read it. I generally avoid ya dystopia, I think it's a tad overdone and rarely done well. Shusterman does do it well though I can easily see where people would take issue.

While I was reading I realised that Scythe is what you make it, what you want it to be to a degree. There is a commentary on the current state of the world and the political climate if you want to see it but it isn't forced upon you. The commentary can easily ignored, the history and focus on the now. Same goes for the discussion about humanity and what it is to be human. Though that is closer to being core to plot. I think it certainly will become more-so later.

One thing Scythe undeniably has is an interesting lore. And an engaging storytelling mechanic. There are effectively 3 main characters. Citra Terranova and Rowan Damisch 16-year-old apprentice scythes, and Scythe Marie Curie one of the oldest of her kind and a living legend. While Citra and Rowan are the focus of the story, telling their stories in tandem, Curie's perspective is only seen through journal entries She tells the lore the history of the world and how it changed from what we know to what it is. There is a journal entry at the end of each chapter but it is hard to tell sometimes if they are old or contemporary to the plot. It really doesn't matter. It gives the reader what the need to know to pull everything together. There are other journal entries mostly from Scythe Goddard, a man with a disturbing and very different take on the scythhood to Curie.

On the names. Aside from Citra and Rowan most of the characters have the names of historical people (it is explained and it does make sense). I really liked the names and most seemed to a degree to suit their characters. Marie Curie, Robert Goddard, Michael Faraday, Ayn Rand, Noam Chomsky (okay his is just ironic), Alessandro Volta.

Everything about Scythe is wonderful to me the characters feel human, the plot and storytelling are engaging. While Rowan is a character I have strange feelings about, you are supposed to. Everything is shades of grey. But I can see why people take fault. This a book with so much praise thrown at it that people would possibly come in with expectations. There is no real romance, it is more a bond (and thank god for that). Also all the fantastic humanity, life and death quotes. The plot and the characters caused a lot of emotion. By the end, I left quite emotional, for what happened, what could have been and what was lost. I appreciated the ending. It sets up Thunderhead nicely. But is fully capable of standing alone if that is what the reader wants.

See my Goodreads review for a bit of a spoiler discussion of the ending.

[flippyspoon]

people keep commenting on one of my posts that elite republicans/the 1% are deliberately just trying to kill tons of poor people like that’s their goal to begin with and like it’s not as if i think they’re above that but it’s still dumb- they need workers to exploit, we’re not in a place for robots and AI to do all the working class jobs. though i guess they could certainly be just that stupid as to think an ayn rand type ‘atlas shrugged’ utopia works for them.

[thefifthclown]

Part 1, Chapter 6-That’s Why I Told You to Escape; Scene 3

Fifth, Pierrot, pages 190-200

December 26th. 2AM.

Ayn was near the president’s estate.

It wasn’t to eavesdrop on President Julia. It was because he had been called there by someone.

Yesterday, a letter had reached Ayn. The contents were extremely simplistic, but the important thing for him had been the name of who sent it.

.

Heidemarie Lorre.

.

The woman who had once been his coworker, and his girlfriend.

A letter had arrived from her after she’d been missing for over a year. The penmanship was hers, there was no mistaking it. It was very like her to write such broken up and hard to read lettering.

He couldn’t see her anywhere. But that was also like her, in a way. Heidemarie never observed their agreed-upon times.

Ayn continued to wait for her, glancing around at his surroundings.

There wasn’t a soul around, this time of night. The darkness and silence had enfolded the entire district. If it had been a little earlier he could have seen the lights of Milanais theater even from here.

I’m freezing…

It could have snowed. That was how cold it was.

.

It was half past two in the morning.

Heidemarie still hadn’t come.

As one might expect, Ayn had started to become a little irritated, huffing white puffs of breath.

She’s late, no getting around it…Maybe the letter was fake…Or maybe something happened with her…

Should he go back already?...Or should he wait a little bit longer?...

While he was pondering this, it happened.

“Meow.”

He could hear something coming from a back alley.

“--!?...Is that a cat?”

It probably wasn’t anything to worry about. But Ayn casually headed in that direction.

It was just an alley, nothing particularly unusual about it. Yet, he had seen this sight before.

He remembered. The incident that had happened four years ago.

I see…This place is…

Ayn then proceeded into the alley.

There was no cat. Instead, there was a single figure.

As the figure was hard to see clearly, their appearance obscured by shadow, Ayn thought for just a moment that it was Heidemarie.

But the figure looked a little bit shorter than she did.

“Good evening.”

It was a man—or rather a boy’s voice. When he drew closer he could make him out more clearly. His face was painted white, and he was wearing gaudy clothing…Dressed just like a clown.

“Detective Ayn Anchor…Thanks to you ‘Pere Noel’ has been put in quite the crisis. Do a favor for ‘First, Santa Claus’…and die here tonight.”

He was gripping a silver knife in his hand. That knife had been used to take many lives up to this point.

--This was “Fifth, Pierrot”. There was no mistake.

If it hadn’t been in this place…if it hadn’t been this back alley, Ayn’s reasoning would have stopped there. Ayn could see Pierrot’s appearance, with his true face hidden, overlap with that of a certain boy.

“Are you…Lemy Abelard?”

Pierrot didn’t hide his surprise at Ayn’s question.

“--!? How do you know—”

“So you are, then…Don’t you remember? The day we met.”

“What are you…talking about? What in the world do you—”

On Lemy’s part, he had first seen Ayn’s form when he’d been hidden in the ceiling at the Lucifenian palace.

But they hadn’t met directly then.

“Four years ago. When you were attacked by hoodlums here. That was when we met,” Ayn told him.

“…It can’t be…”

“I was participating in the investigation to capture ‘Fifth, Pierrot’. We had a tipoff that he was to appear in a show in Milanais Theater, and I infiltrated the circus to search for him—yes, dressed as a clown.”

“…You’re lying.”

“A disaster happened, then. A wild-animal tamer child was mauled to death by a lion. It wasn’t the work of ‘Fifth, Pierrot’…but apparently he wasn’t expecting it either. By chance I caught sight of him as he panicked and fled the theater. I gave chase—and then came to this alley.”

“…”

Lemy gave no reply. Ayn continued, heedless to his silence.

“There, I heard a scream. It was a boy’s voice. It wasn’t the direction that ‘Fifth, Pierrot’ had run to…but I couldn’t just let it go, either. I gave up on chasing him, and headed for where I’d heard the voice. There was a boy and two thugs.  Apparently the two ruffians got me mixed up with ‘Fifth, Pierrot’—”

“That’s a lie! You’re lying to me! The idea that that pierrot was just a police officer—”

“…After I saved you, I immediately returned to the hunt for ‘Fifth, Pierrot’. But he was already long gone. …My superior at the time chewed me out good. Throwing away a once in a lifetime chance like that.”

“That’s enough.”

As he spoke, Lemy raced towards him, the knife in his hand. But he was clearly shaking.

It wasn’t all that difficult for Ayn to dodge the end of his knife, trembling as he was.

“Lemy. Why are you doing this? Are you under orders from your mother—from President Abelard? If that’s the case, then she’s deceiving you. To think that she’d be forcing her own child to do this—”

“It has nothing to do with my mother! This is my own will! I’ll erase you, and so erase my worthless aspirations in the past! And then—I will become the true ‘Fifth, Pierrot’!”

Lemy charged again. Ayn shifted to dodge his knife once more.

But—

--! Dammit!

There was a large rock by his feet. He hadn’t seen it there due to how dark it was. Ayn tripped, and fell to the ground on his back.

Lemy quickly moved to straddle him. He took his knife in both hands, and lifted it high.

“Die!”

He would be killed—Ayn screwed his eyes shut without thinking.

.

--Bang.

.

An explosive shot suddenly resounded through the alley.

He had heard that sound before.

That had—been a gun.

And not just from any regular firearm.

That…was from Heidemarie’s gun—

.

Ayn opened his eyes.

His gaze fell on someone who had fallen, leaning on him.

It was Lemy. Red was staining his chest. He’d been shot.

It was straight to the heart. A fatal wound.

“Wh…y? My…chest hurts…” he whispered, his voice fading.

Ayn stood, holding Lemy in his arms, and then laid him down on the ground.

When he looked up, a new figure had appeared.

“…Heidemarie.”

She was standing there wordlessly, revolver in her right hand. Smoke was wafting from the gun.

“—My my, that was careless of me. Looks like I forgot to ‘hypnotize’ you into forgetting Gumillia’s face.”

From deeper in the alley another person approached. She was in a wheelchair. The owner of that brothel.

“No…That’s not it.” In the back of Ayn’s mind, a memory resurfaced. “Yes…How could I have forgotten you until now? You’re…You are—Hanne.”

Her hair color had changed, but it was none other than Heidemarie’s older sister, Hanne Lorre.

“It’s been some time since I was called by that name.”

“Why…are you two—”

“To kill ‘Fifth, Pierrot’, of course. –Sorry, Ayn. We sort of used you as bait.”

Hanne moved the wheelchair herself, and drew close to Lemy’s fallen body.

“…That’s why I told you to escape.”

Lemy looked up at Hanne with blank eyes.

In his mind, she looked to be sneering down at him.

“Why…you said…you’d save me…”

“Only if you didn’t betray me. I wish that I could have gotten you away from Julia. But…you picked her. You decided for yourself to take the path of ‘evil’. I couldn’t just leave a ‘Twin of God’ in her hands—so I had no choice but to do this.”

“I’m—not ‘evil’. The evil ones…are the whole wo—”

“No. Maybe you were using justice as a pretext. Maybe you thought you were doing it for your mother and Rin. --I remember a boy who looked quite like you, a long time ago. He too committed sins, for the sake of his older sister.  Though the world scorned her as ‘evil’, he alone tried to protect her. But he didn’t enjoy killing people. …You had begun to take pleasure in the act of murder, using your mother and friend as an excuse. You and he—aren’t anything alike.”

Blood was gushing from Lemy’s chest.

“I don’t want to die—I don’t want to die.”

“I expect the people that you’ve killed felt much the same way. …You just enjoy murdering people. An outcome like this is quite fitting for one like you. A low end with neither punchline nor catharsis. But…this is the story that you chose.”

“If this…is my…story…What should…I have…done?”

Hanne shook her head.

“I don’t know. How about you ask Ney?”

“Ney…where is Ney? I can’t hear her voice. Even though she’s always been so annoyingly by my side…Hey…where’s…Ney…”

Lemy raised his hand and grasped at air.

But there was nothing there. At least, Ayn couldn’t see anything.

He couldn’t save him now—not like he had four years ago.

.

Ayn still didn’t get what was going on now.

What relation did Hanne and Heidemarie have with Lemy?

Why did Heidemarie shoot him?

And as for Hanne—was she even really “Hanne Lorre” in the first place?

Her face was the same…but to Ayn she looked a little different than the Hanne that he knew.

Her true identity was that of the “Eternal Sorceress”, Elluka Clockworker—that’s what he’d learned of her before she disappeared.

But it wasn’t just that. There was something more frightening than that about her now—

.

While he still didn’t understand everything.

One fact was clear.

.

--The story of “Fifth, Pierrot” was drawing to a close now.

.

At some point, it had started to snow.

Ayn remembered that tomorrow would be the day of the Nativity Festival.

Beneath the piling snow, the fallen Lemy’s eyes started up at the sky.

But there was no longer any light lingering in them.

.

Duel challenge:

.

To my beloved sister-in-law,

.

I’ll be waiting at Merrigod Plateau.

.

From Irina Clockworker

As Julia Abelard

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[cinemaocd]

Atlas Fucked

Lars Von Trier’s Nymphomaniac Vol. 1 & 2

Like the movie Intimacy (2000), Nymphomaniac Vol. 1 & 2 is a movie that I wanted to watch because it has one of my favorite actors in it, but put it off because I was intimidated by the subject matter and the mixed reviews. After Mark Rylance made Intimacy, he said that he regretted ever being involved with it, because of what the process of filming did to his co-star Kerry Fox. She was in a long term relationship which ended because her boyfriend couldn’t deal with seeing his girlfriend having sex with another man. Over and over again. And not just simulated sex, but very graphic and clearly not faked sex. As a film, as a piece of art it is excellent, but he questioned whether it was worth hurting an actress to make it. 

I bring this up because I have to wonder what the process of making Nymphomaniac did to it’s female stars Charlotte Gainsbourg and particularly young Stacy Martin (who was 23 playing 15-20 year old Joe, the Nymphomaniac of the title). 

Stellan Skarsgard has described his involvement with the film as “Lars phoned me up and said he was making a porno, but that I wouldn’t get to fuck..I told him I would do it.” 

While Stellan’s performance is unquestionably brave, honest and excellent--one of the most impressive of his career, he is 60 year old man with a long and trusting association with the director. And while he makes himself completely vulnerable in this film, he is still in a position of relative safety that neither of the women enjoy. 

The film tells the story of Joe, who Seligman (Skarsgard) finds bleeding in an alley near his home. He takes her home, makes her tea, puts her in his pajamas and then listens patiently as she tells him the story of her life as a nymphomaniac. So far, this very well could be the set up for a porno (with perhaps a lot less care spent filming the alley, and not opening up with a loving three minute sound montage of trickling water over black screen.) But the basic premise: man brings home total stranger who tells him a variety of graphic stories about her sex life is more or less the premise of such classic works of pornography as Fanny Hill of Penthouse Letters. Seligman’s reaction to these stories is different than would be expected in porn though, as he seems completely unbothered by the sex and is continually sympathetic and counseling about her guilt. He peppers his reactions with a lot of pretentious literary metaphors about fly fishing, Fibonacci numbers and music theory. In one of the best scenes in the film, Joe confronts him and accuses him of not really listening to her because he’s not moved to sexual excitement by her stories. Seligman tells her that he is asexual and a virgin. From then on their friendship grows and is one of the most satisfying parts of the movie, though it is sadly under-cut by the final scene.

Joe dwells on episodes which have made her feel the most guilty. Many of these are harrowing in their detail: her bald seduction of an unwilling married man when she’s 17, the married man she unwittingly convinces to leave his wife and children whose chillingly angry wife (Uma Thurman) turns up at her home, her abandonment of her child and husband in order to pursue her sexual demons, her descent into a life of crime and her project to groom a 15 year old girl into becoming her lover and successor in her criminal enterprises. All of this eventually comes to blow back on her in a hard way, and is how she winds up bleeding in alley. Seligman softly counsels her that she has done nothing that a man wouldn’t do, and that the society which demands her reformation has isolated her and made her lonely. This whole trajectory seems uplifting, except that in her honesty Joe tells us a lot of deeply troubling things which DON’T cause her guilt: she defends a pedophile as being admirable because he hasn’t acted on his urges and compares him to herself, because his sexuality has ostracized him from society, she uses racist language and happily fetishizes black men, all the while mocking Seligman’s liberal explanations that racism is bad for society as being “hypocrtical.” While liberalism can certainly bear criticism, having it come from a far right stance, has the effect of making the film seem to defend pedophilia and racism. Joe is so independent that she would be right at home in Ayn Rand novel, her anti-social behavior is forgiven and glorified to the extent that it almost seems like the world view of the filmmaker.

Last year I said we need to stop praising films made by rapists and brought up Chinatown as an example of a film that slyly espouses the point of view of a rapist, making it seem like his crimes-admitedly monstrous-are too engrained in the social order to be effectively punished by society. And I think we need to add to that, a request that we stop getting films that put women in physical or emotional distress, in the name of art or a great part. I don’t blame Gainsbourg or Martin for participating in this film. It is a terrific role in many ways. But I have a hard time believing that it wasn’t hugely difficult and physically demanding (the sheer number and variety of sex scenes, nude scenes, very graphic scenes of bondage and sadism among them) and I wonder if looking back on it, they regret their involvement.