#thoughts ill save until post game to not manifest anything but god. days like this make you miss having stolie

[mikkolas]

karma yes absolutely certainly of course but it's soooo unfortunate for. please don't call marchy's hands sweet while I'm typing this. anyway. it's so unfortunate ... did it have to be twice ... could our pain not have been a suffocating 1–1 for the rest of the game. I would prefer the 1–1 right now man I gotta be honest

[blookmallow]

i dont have the energy to go through all my outlast 2 screenshots right now, i have one liveblog post drafted that i was working on before, and now i have a huge pile of screenshots to go through again so there’ll be. at LEAST two more... play by play type posts lmao

so anyway the order’s gonna be kinda weird but my brain is screaming and ive been going through wiki pages for like 2 hours so heres. some thoughts and a lot of questions and some observations i think im. sort of starting to get it,

---

ok so... knoth believed the antichrist was going to be born, apparently he DID think it was going to be from one of his own people, but then. blake and lynn obviously aren’t from his people so i have no idea why he suddenly decided it was on them 

marta was his “angel of death” hitman going around murdering people in the name of god

people who got sick (definitely STDs, believed to be the Curse of Sin or whatever but it might have just been anyone who was diseased at all) got banished to the scalled village where they all got HORRIFICALLY sick and infected and have completely lost their minds now abandoned by the church

val broke off from knoth’s church and started the heretics cult, they seem to be. satanists now and are trying to allow the birth of the anti christ but are also constantly trying to kill me to death too 

according to the wiki val is almost definitely a trans woman, which. the Only trans character in outlast is a woman who is a violent sexual predator who might be a devil worshipper and has wet dreams about child murder. granted everyone in outlast is fucked up but THAT’S A PARTICULAR KIND OF FUCKED UP

lynn was not visibly pregnant when they crashed, blake claims they hadn’t been sexually active in months so if she was pregnant, it’s not his child. when he finds her again she’s not only very visibly pregnant, but actively going into labor. she calls it “our baby.” blake doesn’t have the chance to ask her how this happened. this is never fucking explained : )

like it doesn’t look like lynn was just like.... reverse c-sectioned and even if someone raped her to force pregnancy she wouldn’t have gone through an entire 9 month pregnancy in ONE NIGHT, so what the FUCK was that about

the wiki mentions its possible the baby isn’t actually real, it apparently doesn’t cast a shadow and lynn has the “there’s nothing there” line, but even if blake hallucinated the pregnancy and the baby (which. at least would explain how the process of “giving birth” took like 3 seconds and she became suddenly 9 months pregnant in one day) why would lynn be reacting as if she was pregnant too. or if they both hallucinated it why did she say “there’s nothing there,” wouldn’t she be able to see it too 

anyway jessica, lynn, and blake were all friends in. high school middle school whatever age.  it seems like there was some kind of love triangle going on, jessica seems into blake in the flashbacks, blake seems unsure

he starts getting lynn and jessica confused near the end so he might’ve had some kind of feelings for her though, the wiki mentions his complete obsession with saving lynn might have been partly fueled by “i couldn’t save jessica but im going to save lynn im not going to lose them both i HAVE to succeed this time” to the point that they just kind of became the same person in his head by the end 

there’s some weird parallels with jessica playfully jumping on him and val pinning him down so its very possible jessica was acting... sexually aggressive toward him, on a much smaller scale of course, but enough that val’s assault triggered the memory

jessica was almost definitely being molested by one of their teachers/church leaders/whatever and blake seems to blame himself for not doing anything about it

i thought jessica killed herself and blake felt responsible for it, maybe figuring the abuse she was enduring from the teacher (and possibly her father, she reacts very afraid when he threatens to call her father) might have been one of the causes, and he didn’t help her 

but the wiki says the teacher actually may have killed jessica and forced blake to help cover it up as a suicide, hence... finding her on the stairs. which i guess makes sense too 

but the whole flashback thing is never explained?? i guess maybe it really was just trauma manifesting in really fucked up ways and like, that’s still narratively interesting but the fact that it kept crossing over into the real world (the recordings from the flashbacks showed up as corrupted files, so Something happened and it wasn’t just in blake’s head, frequently you get stuck somewhere you can’t escape from, get pulled into the other world, wake up somewhere else entirely) means it’s not just internal so why the FUCK is he crossing dimensions. they don’t tell you!!! i had to go digging on the wiki to figure this shit out

from the wiki:

“The "apocalypse" Blake had witnessed, as well as the nightmarish flashbacks to his childhood, were all just hallucinations induced by the Murkoff Corporation's local Radio Towers.“

WHAT???? IT WAS MURKOFF THE WHOLE TIME 

but like. are you telling me it was all a hallucination that was just kind of vaguely mentioned Once. the big reveal/the truth behind it all was literally just hinted about in One Note/One weird encounter with a distant radio tower in ONE SCENE randomly in the middle of the game and never expanded on. what the FUCK kind of writing/game design is THAT

it looks like the “voice of God” knoth was hearing was actually the murkoff frequencies too, but like. fucking why. why were they telling this guy to kill babies and create a murder cult. was it just a “how far can we take this” experiment like the “how badly can we fuck someone’s mind up if we take away their meds and exacerbate their mental illness” thing at mount massive. i mean i guess a corporation that would do That would also probably fuck with a bunch of hyper religious hillbillies too but it just seems way too convoluted for “idk just wanted to see what would happen” 

and “maybe if we hide subliminal messages in the radio frequencies we can convince some random guy we’re the voice of God” is. way too specific to actually Work, i guess maybe if they could induce hallucinations they could maybe manipulate peoples’ minds that much more efficiently but like. still. it doesnt fucking make sense!!!!!! why would it manifest as “flashbacks of childhood trauma” in blake and “suddenly im pregnant” in lynn and “God Said I Gotta Kill Everyone” in knoth and “satan said i gotta fuck everyone” in val NONE OF THAT MAKES ANY FUCKING SENSE!!!

APPARENTLY there’s a whole mess of comics that go along with this and hopefully explain shit a little bit more but “explaining what the fuck happened in your game by means of a side comic that isn’t mentioned in said game” is : ) 

I DONT KNOW. iM SO TIRED ITS 1 AM SOMEHOW

ill go through all my screenshots and shit later maybe that’ll help. something :’) god. I MEAN TO BE FAIR, outlast’s strengths have never been its story telling, it’s a great game for being absolutely scared out of your fucking mind and boy did they ever deliver on that front so like... i guess ultimately i got what i wanted out of it but im still CONFUSED,

i should really have expected this though lmao this is the same thing that happened at the end of outlast 1 i didnt understand anything until 900 wiki pages later and still hated the ending even when i finally did sort of almost understand it 

[saskiavalentineapologist]

Can you tell me more about Jubilee and DeLune? Jubilee is your character, right? They both sound like great characters!

ANON YOU JUST SAVED MY LIFE

hooo ok. ok so. ok so listen. listen.

we gotta get something out of the way realquick: whenever i talk about DeLune and Jubilee–or really just DeLune–i getso incoherent and flail-y i just. i love DeLune so much, she’s been in mythoughts every day for the past month+ no lie

ok so. @fatalcookies​ createdDeLune as an npc for a campaign she’s going to run, in which I’m going to be aplayer, playing as Jubilee Waters, the gayest tiefling you’ll ever meet (as ofyet, there has not been a single game. I’m obsessing over a character i haventplayed as and her girlfriend. i know. I’m ridiculous)

..let’s introduce Jubilee, then DeLune, theni’ll talk a little about their relationship and maaaaybe go into the au’s I’vecooked up for them. that sounds good, yeah let’s do that

Jubilee Waters. she’s from a small mountaincommunity where tieflings are more accepted than in other places. This mountaincommunity is also known for its arts

Jubilee was abandoned on the church ofPelor’s doorstep at birth, and was taken in by one of the people whoworked in the church, a laborer/cook/whatever they needed her to be named MariaWaters.

Jubilee grew up healthy and strong, and wasquick to pick up the ways of both a cleric and an artist; shaping her own hornsinto works of art and also taking up painting as a hobby, all while training tobe a holy warrior who fought in the name of Pelor, god of the sun. She excelledat the healing arts, and it was only because of her desire to help peopleoutweighing her need for glory that she went down the cleric path instead ofthe paladin path. (that and i reallllly wanted to play a cleric, because ihavent yet)

except her mom didn’t want her to go out andadventure, because it was too dangerous. That was a point of contention for along time between them. Jubilee wanted to go out and help people, and hermother wanted her home and safe.

Eventually, Jubilee’s mother passed. Jubileestayed, mourned, and before too long had passed, she was out on the road,heading to destinations unknown in a quest with a single goal: help peoplewherever help is needed. 

Eventually, she meets the group she’ll betraveling with in-game, and she goes on her merry way, eventually meetingDeLune

(I’ve been informed that DeLune probably won’tshow up until about halfway through the campaign, which on one hand makes me :(but on the other hand has built up the Hype of meeting her so much that i thinkwhen Jennie says “and in walks a half elven businesswoman” or somethingalong those lines I’m literally going to burst into tears of joy)

DeLune Candor…im trying to decide how much ican talk about.

you know what? i don’t think any of the otherplayers follow me, so the chances of them seeing this post are slim to none.I’m going in guns a’ blazin’

Her full name, I’ve found out, is Claire DeLuneCandor (which “Claire DeLune” means moonlight so they’ve already got thisgreat sun and moon dynamic going on which makes me Weak)

DeLune Candor is a ~55 year old (or theequivalent in half-elven terms) inventor turned businesswoman who is currentlythe head of a large family business that specializes in trading. The businessis booming, and it’s exclusively due to DeLune being at the head of thebusiness. She tries her best to run an ethical business, she’s a pointy-earedcapitalist, and i love her with my whole heart oh my god

She’s a workaholic, she is Fancy to the extremeand has quite the refined taste. She doesn’t like mincing words, she’svery direct and to the point, and she’s…i was going to say she’s perfectbut she’s not, she has flaws, but she’s so My Type that it hurts me and as suchi tend to gloss over her flaws.  I love her with my entire heart, flawsand all tho?? I say i would die for a lot of characters but i would live forDeLune.

OH HOW COULD I FORGET!!!!the song that inspired this character is this song and the woman singing? Shirley Bassey?? is the voice andface claim for DeLune so you Know I’m all about this song, i’ve probablylistened to it a hundred times. i love that song

DeLune…..DeLune actually has a daughter namedCeleste who is around Jubilee’s age which makes things sorta awkward sometimesbut shh shh its perfectly fine shh it can be funny sometimes, ill get into that in a minute

she’s a huge lover of the arts and thesciences, having been an inventor at one point. the love of the arts manifestsitself in her giving patronage to many different artists and commissioningworks and stuff like that Its Good

hrrmm what else is there about DeLune that ican rant about. god i just. ok i just love her. i love her so much?? and shehurts me sometimes for reasons I’m not sure i can disclose at this point. to besafe I’m not going to go too much into it but…she gave up a lot for thefamily business. and i just want her to be happy and relaxed and without toomuch stress

Their relationship…hoogh

ok so they meet, right. and DeLune isimmediately interested in Jubilee’s horns, because they’re works of art andshe’s intrigued with how they came to be. And when Jubilee tells her that she’sbeen working on her horns since she was ten, and that they still require upkeepand management….DeLune has this “holy shit” moment. bc?? here let mefind a direct quote:

“–these are the work of a literallifetime and peoples’ /lives/ are the work of a lifetime and they can’tmaintain as much focus as this 90% of the time.”

so yes, DeLune takes notice in Jubilee becauseof her horns. And Jubilee like. she saw DeLune and she just got this momentof “holy moly I’m so gay” so like?? They both were somewhat interestedfrom the start, and it just evolved from there.

i imagine Jubilee tried to beat around the bushand be subtle about trying to get DeLune to date her but DeLune saw rightthrough it and was just like “…do you want to date me? is that whatyou’re getting at?” and jubilee was like “yes. yes yes yes please godyes"

and so?? they date??

and things go well!! they click reallynaturally and they enjoy each other’s company. They go to a variety offancy places and Jubilee is terrified each time because she doesn’t want to sayor do the wrong thing and end up embarrassing DeLune, but DeLune teaches herthe basics of fancy etiquette and that puts her at ease

…jennie and i have had a conversation abouthow DeLune just completely roasts someone who dared to make a comment aboutJubilee being a tiefling and honestly i saved that whole conversation and iread it when i get sad bc DeLune utterly destroying someone is just So Good

They have their arguments and theirdisagreements because Something (I don’t know what it is) happens around thesame time they meet each other that puts DeLune on edge and so there’sdefinitely conflict regarding this thing. I don’t know what it is but I know inmy soul that its going to hurt me whenever i find out

Hrmmm what else is there. I mean. they fuck. alot. like a lot a lot. god i love them. i just. god i love them.

and this is a thing that makes Celeste and Jubilee’s relationship kind of tense like?? Celeste doesn’t blame Jubilee for getting involved with DeLune, but she DOES blame DeLune for getting involved with Jubilee. and so

ok we’ve had this scene thought out where Celeste comes into the kitchen one morning to see Jubilee dressed in just a silk robe, hair a mess and out of it’s usual braid, leaning against the counter and drinking coffee. and they make eye contact and then that’s how Celeste gets confirmation that yes, her friend is banging her mom and I’m just over here like god fucking bless. 

honestly I’ve saved that conversation too and it makes me giggle because Jubilee just. she sees celeste and she’s like “hi!! good morning!! do you want some coffee??” and celeste is just. no nonsense like. “Jubilee. were you sleeping with someone tonight?” and jubilee makes this face and it cracks me up every time. 

and jubilee just makes the smallest “yeah” ever and celeste just. “and it was my mother, wasn’t it.” not even a question. she knows. but jubilee answers anyway, with another tiny “…yeah.” and then she just “please don’t be cross with her”

and then celeste breaks out the whiskey despite it being like. you know. breakfast. and god i love this family theyre so dysfunctional but god i love them

what else is there. they may or may not go to a small house in the countryside after everything is said and done, somewhere DeLune can make things and somewhere Jubilee can have a quiet life again. just the two of them, after DeLune gives up the reigns on the family business and god i love them. if there’s anything about them that has almost made me cry it’s this idea of them living a quiet life together, somewhere with a small workshop for DeLune and space for Jubilee and her god.

like. jennie killed me with this line:

a small little workshop, pen and paper, and a lover in her bed

…beautiful things they made together

artisan rugs are left back at a different home that she visits,sometimes, when she needs to–and besides it’s not half so beautiful as thesmile on Jubilee’s face when DeLune hand-feeds her a grape and catches atrickle of juice from the corner of her mouth with her thumb

AND OH!!!! THE PAINTING!!!!

ok so you know how jubilee paints?? she did a portrait of DeLune that she purposely left unfinished to represent that all things are a work in progress and GOD can you tell how much i love them yet they’re so good

but god, all i want is for them to be happy together. that’s all i want. i love them so much it hurts me

ok let’s get into those AUs

ok so. the aus. i made a list here of those aus but on one of them we’ve gotten real deep man

ok so. we havent gotten too deep into vampire/vampire hunter au but?? there’s some choice symbolism

i initially thought of DeLune as the vampire and Jubilee as theperson sent to kill her but they fall in love and run away together. the symbolism would be pretty choice here, DeLune representing the night (as her name means moonlight) and Jubilee with her divine connection to the sun, right

but I’vethought about it some more and the other way is also pretty choice like.

Jubilee as a prominent religious figure who had a fall from grace when shewas turned into a vampire. she fled, disgraced and outcast by the religion she had known for her whole life. and DeLune is theperson sent to hunt her down because in this au she’s probably like a goodwizard or something who knows. and so she finds this vampire and DeLune isgoing to bring her back alive, but they fall in love and run away together. but the SYMBOLISM

….Jubilee’s still a cleric of pelor, right. but now the sun burnsher and she can’t find solace in her god. but you know what light doesn’t hurt vampires?

MOONLIGHT

DeLune, symbolically the moon, giving her light and hope in a way thatdoesn’t hurt her. god i love the symbolism with these two its Good

and. then. the au we got deep in right.

crime boss au

an au where Jubilee is the new cop investigating this mob family, and falls in love with DeLune in the process.

one problem.

DeLune, unbeknownst to Jubilee, is the mob boss. she’s the leader of this crime family. she’s the head of the syndicate, and she knows that Jubilee is investigating her.

She, to her credit, tries to dissuade jubilee, tries to turn her away from her path because she knows that whatever happens, the outcome will hurt her. but Jubilee is bound and determined to make a difference, and she doesn’t heed DeLune’s advice

and Celeste shows up?? and she wants to tear this business apart to get her mom out, and her and jubilee team up because even tho jubilee doesn’t know that DeLune is the head of the mob or that Celeste is DeLune’s daughter, they have similar goals

and how does celeste find her, you ask? well. Jubilee lives in kind of a rough neighborhood, and has had her fair share of shitty things thrown at her, right. after Jubilee and DeLune started dating, all that stops.

so celeste tracks where things aren’t happening to determine where her mother has influence, and finds out that this cop is a link.

and then one day they’re working on something and Jubilee just like. stands up and starts getting ready and she’s apologizing and saying she’s late, and Celeste is like “?? late to what??” and Jubilee replies “I have a date with my girlfriend DeLune”

…and that’s how Celeste finds out just how Jubilee is linked to her mother. and god its so good bc she’s just. shocked. like. no. no this. what. 

and so eventually, in this au, Jubilee goes into somewhere undercover to try and find out more about the mob, and gets caught. she’s cornered, on the ground, surrounded by people with guns, and then there’s the clicking of heels on linoleum and there’s DeLune. and all these people who were being threatening just stop

and DeLune kind of helps her up, dusts her off, and leads her out, all in silence, with only a biting retort to one of the henchmen who protests about Jubilee knowing too much. 

and then. hoo this kills me. when theyre out of there and in the car, DeLune just says kind of quietly “Idid ask you not to dig too deep, darling.”

hooo boy that hurts me

so then DeLune takes jubilee back to her house and celeste is there so there’s a mother daughter reunion, and they go inside and jubilee almost just completely fucking loses it and she’s like “you know? if you were just a part of the syndicate i think i could’vedealt with that. but the boss?!” and then she gets real quiet for a moment and just. “how much of it was real? how much of it was you trying toget another cop in your pocket?“

and so celeste just nopes out of there and DeLune and jubilee have a long conversation where Jubilee is passive aggressive and petty to the extreme. 

like DeLune basically tells her it’s easier to deal with when Jubilee’s angry in response to Jubilee losing some of her anger and getting kind of soft over the course of the conversation. so Jubilee’s like. “she wants me to be angry? fine. i can do that”

so she kicks her out of her house

and then soon after that she goes and she takes all of her things out of DeLune’s house. and DeLune has this heartbreaking line of “If you wish very much to be so utterly removedfrom me, only say the word. I will make certain you never see me again.”

and jubilee doesn’t respond. she just leaves. because she knows in her heart she wants to mend things, but at the moment she needs to process everything that’s happening. she isn’t processing it well bc she doesn’t deal with negative emotions well but she’s trying bless her

and so Celeste and DeLune and Jubilee tear down this mafia right, and then. god i love them. so DeLune and Jubilee agree to give it another shot after another long conversation, and that they’ll meet for lunch sometime and see where it goes

and. like in canon DeLune and Celeste’s relationship is strained at best, and so this au reflects that. but in this au i get confirmation that they definitely 100% make up and that gives me Life

so yes, that’s DeLune and Jubilee. god i love them. thank you so much for asking about them, you have no idea how hard i was laughing when i got this message bc i was like “I ACTUALLY TRICKED SOMEONE INTO CARING ABOUT THESE TWO OH MY GOD” and honestly? writing this up was a delight, thank you again for asking this anon!!!

[russellthornton]

Narcissistic Sociopath: 11 Traits that Make Them So Dangerous

You’ve probably heard of narcissists. And sociopaths. But have you ever heard of a narcissistic sociopath? You’re about to right now.

We all have to deal with difficult people – it’s just a fact of life. There are liars, cheaters, mean people, and the list goes on. But, some people are just worse than others. And in many cases, it’s an actual mental illness. Sometimes it’s difficult to determine whether someone is in the “normal” category or not.

Before we discuss the reasons why a narcissistic sociopath is dangerous, let’s take a look at some commonly known mental disorders.

Mental disorders explained

We’ve all heard these terms thrown around, but unless you are trained psychologist or psychiatrist, you may not know exactly what they are. You might think you do, but some of them are similar to one another. So, let’s look at some of the characteristics of some of these mental disorders.

#1 Antisocial personality disorder. Antisocial personality disorder is a condition where the person has an ongoing pattern of not caring about, and violating, the rights of other people.

Their moral compass is just not there when it comes to how their behavior affects others. People with this disorder will probably commit crimes because they have impulsive and aggressive behavior. Asocial vs. antisocial – How the similarities end at social interactions[Read: ]

#2 Narcissistic personality disorder. People with narcissistic personality disorder have a consistent pattern of behavior in which they have a distorted and exaggerated feeling of self-importance.

They need constant admiration and don’t care about other people’s feelings. They seek power and success and take advantage of other people along the way.

#3 Bipolar disorder. Another term for bipolar disorder is manic depression. People who have this condition have periods of depression, and then also phases of an elevated mood *mania*. When they are in mania, they are abnormally energetic and happy, but then they make bad, impulsive decisions. During depression, they may not even be able to get out of bed.  

#4 Sociopath. A sociopath is someone whose disorder manifests in extreme antisocial attitudes and behavior. Like some of the other disorders, they have a complete disregard for other people, and also lack a conscience. [Read: 25 Signs of covert narcissism – A different kind of mind game]

Signs of a narcissistic sociopath

Okay, now that I have thoroughly confused you with all those different definitions, you might be wondering what exactly is a narcissistic sociopath?

Well, first and foremost, let me tell you that it is a very bad combination to have. So, you probably want to stay away from these people if you see them exhibiting any of these behaviors.

#1 Carefully chooses people to reinforce their sense of grandiose self. A narcissistic sociopath is pretty smart. They know how to “choose” people to be around them who pump them up and make them feel like they are “The Shit.”

Usually, this tends to be weaker people who don’t really stand up for themselves and don’t have the ability to see who the narcissistic sociopath really is. [Read: 23 secret signs of narcissism that people overlook until it’s too late]

#2 Strong desire to have a lot of power. Sure, there are a lot of people out there who you would classify as a “leader.” Being a leader is good. Well, being a good leader is good. Being a bad leader is not good.

And so, a narcissistic sociopath craves and seeks power so that they can be in control. They are not good leaders. They strip other people of their power because they want to hoard it all for themselves.

#3 Only cares about “what’s in it for me.” Even if you catch a narcissistic sociopath doing something nice for someone, don’t let them fool you. You better believe that there is a payoff for them doing it – or else they wouldn’t be doing it. They are always thinking about how they can get rewarded in some way. They don’t care about being nice.

#4 Feels invincible, or even immortal. They think they are above the law. They think they are above the rules – they simply don’t apply to them. As a result, their behavior can be reckless and even perplexing. They don’t think they’re like normal people, so they think they can get away with pretty much anything. [Read: Selfish people – 15 ways to spot and stop them from hurting you]

#5 Has ZERO empathy for other people. Because they are so egocentric and only care about how they can benefit from any situation, they just have no empathy for others – at all. Normal people care about other people’s feelings, but not the narcissistic sociopath. They just don’t give a shit.

#6 Knows how to manage people’s impressions of them. In order to pull of all the things that they do, they have to be quite skillful at putting on a show. That way, it confuses people. One day, they may seem nice, but the next they don’t. They can manage their behavior to manipulate people quite well. [CollegeCandy.com: How to know if you’re dating a sociopath]

#7 They are highly intuitive about which people they can manipulate, and which ones they can’t. As I said earlier, they are quite picky about who they surround themselves with. They don’t want to be around anyone who calls them out on their bad behavior and blows their cover.

#8 Might seem perfectly normal at first. I know a person who I really liked when I met her. She was really outgoing, fun, and seemingly the most awesome person. I felt like I could trust her.

But years later, I finally saw who she really is. She was not anything like I thought she was. She fooled me. That’s what a narcissistic sociopath does. [Read: How to quickly spot narcissistic traits in a relationship]

#9 Requires TONS of admiration. And I mean a TON. They want everyone around them to think they are God’s gift to the planet. But they also want people to tell them that all the time. They want constant attention and admiration. It feeds their ego.

#10 Has arrogant, condescending behavior. It makes sense that if they have no empathy for others and think they are The Shit that they would act condescending on a pretty regular basis. Because they think they’re better than everyone else, they just talk down to people and let them know that they think they are scum.

#11 They woo you in the beginning to reel you in. However, in the beginning, you might be fooled, just as I was fooled with the person I just mentioned earlier. You can fall for their act, and then you get caught up in their web. But eventually, their real colors come out and you will see who they really are.

[Read: Narcissistic abuse – 16 signs that a narcissist is abusing you]

Having a mental disorder is a scary thing – for all people involved. So, if you think you know a narcissistic sociopath, maybe you should try to stay away from them if at all possible, just to save your own sanity.

The post Narcissistic Sociopath: 11 Traits that Make Them So Dangerous is the original content of LovePanky - Your Guide to Better Love and Relationships.

[astralmorganite]

3.3.2017 - Vows

Often I find myself wondering what I might write about the next time I get a chance to blog. While out and about my daily life, I can typically narrate the introduction paragraph in my head, regarding a few different topics. But it always seems that once I am sitting here, with tumblr open and ready to go, my mind suddenly draws a blank. It’s as if I suddenly realize that I had nothing to discuss beyond the introductions to certain topics, so I drop the idea entirely and then spend my time blankly staring into my empty post until I think of something better. But then that supposedly better topic becomes devoid of interest for one reason or another, and it all starts again. Part of me thinks this is just another manifestation of my depression; the lack of interest and the ability to give up quickly is telling. But perhaps I still have a chance to save the integrity of this blog post. 

It’s March now, which means we are inching ever so closely to the big wedding day. Lately I’ve had to remind Parker that he needs to work on writing his vows, not because he doesn’t want to, but because he’s not very good at remembering to do things. We may be hiring an ASL interpreter for our ceremony, which means our vows need to be done a little sooner than later so the interpreter can go through them. I think Parker thinks he may have more time than he does to work on them, but while I sit here and somewhat chastise him, I must painfully admit that I have not quite worked on mine either. That is to say, I haven’t worked on mine on paper. I have done a lot of thought about how I want to write my vows; the format by which I pledge myself to him. I’ve come up with a theme, and a general outline of how I think it will turn out, but I have yet to actually pen the words I want to say. 

I’ve decided the theme of my vows is going to be about choice. I spent a lot of time evaluating what made our relationship different, especially considering that about this time last year we were preparing for Parker’s sister to get married. In her wedding, she and her now-husband talked a lot about how they considered each other god-given blessings; that through their religious convictions, they had become worthy of each other. Personally, I don’t subscribe to this ideology in the slightest. Whether or not God exists does not change how I behave in my day-to-day life, and I don’t consider most of the sins of Mormonism to actually be problematic at all, therefore rendering their “worthiness” tests to be rather insignificant to me. But I found the common belief between them touching, and the idea of being fated to someone has always felt romantic to me. However, I find it more and more difficult to believe in some kind of fate guiding my life. I remember as a teen, it was much easier for me to identify with supernatural beings, but now it just seems improbable and illogical. But I did come upon a personal revelation regarding what I DO find equally romantic, and logical. This was the notion of individual choice, the idea that out of millions of people, Parker chose me. 

Okay, well, more realistically he chose me out of thousands of local users of the dating site we met on, but the point still stands. Every day is a choice; there is nothing forcing us to be there for each other but our own personal drive to be what the other person needs. Parker currently has no obligation to put my life above anyone else’s life, but he chooses to honor me. And the same applies from me to him; I don’t have to be there, but I choose to be there. I choose to make his day better, I choose him before all else. And to me, it is the greatest honor to be both his secret keeper, and the recipient of his affections. 

I intend to expand upon this when I write my actual vows, but I like this concept. It reminds me of a moment in the TV show, Rick and Morty on Adult Swim, where Morty confronts his sister, Summer. In this scene, Summer is upset over her parents’ marriage, and the implication that her birth ruined them, so she attempts to run away. Morty approaches her with the comforts of logic, saying to her:

Morty: That, out there, that's my grave.

Summer: Wait, what?

Morty: On one of our adventures, Rick and I basically destroyed the whole world, so we bailed on that reality and we came to this one, because in this one, the world wasn't destroyed and in this one, we were dead. So we came here, a- a- and we buried ourselves and we took their place. And every morning, Summer, I eat breakfast twenty yards away from my own rotting corpse.

Summer: So you're not my brother?

Morty: I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "Don't run." Nobody exists on purpose, nobody belongs anywhere, everybody's gonna die. Come watch TV.

This moment is so critical to me. Throughout my life, I’ve comforted myself through believing that I had a significant purpose, like I was cosmically significant in some way that just hadn’t manifested yet. In my early teens, it helped as a significant motivator to move past my suicidal thoughts; I have to stay alive, I have a purpose to fulfill! But I have learned the last few years how damaging that mindset was to me in the long run. I feel grateful that these ideologies got me through high school, but once I graduated, it felt as though it was time for my significance to burst through me. It never came. That moment of suddenly finding my place in the world never happened. It wasn’t as if I wasn’t trying; I attempted to follow Mormon rhetoric and strictly followed a Mormon lifestyle for a long time. But when no relief came, I soon realized that I was living for the church’s benefit, not my own. Of course they benefit from me proselytizing and paying tithing. But I was no longer benefiting myself. I soon found resources that proved the Mormon church was lying to me, and decided for myself that the church was provably false. I broke off an engagement that would have led me to the Mormon Temple, and never looked back. 

And since then I’ve learned to find meaning in insignificance. It’s true that in the context of that scene, Morty has concrete proof that multiverses exist. He has seen how insignificant his life decisions have led him; every choice he could possibly make has already been made on infinite numbers of other dimensions. He’s even met and interacted with other versions of himself before! How can he deny that he is just one of literally millions of outcomes that could have happened to him? In his mind, because all outcomes exist regardless of the actual choices he makes, his purpose is irrelevant. The version of himself that chose to commit horrible atrocities is the same Morty who stands before his sister. The Morty who would tell his sister that it’s ok, she has a purpose in life, also is the same Morty who tells her it’s ok to not have a purpose in life. This is only further evidence that if the choices are irrelevant, then there is no fated purpose to a single person’s existence. Ergo, nobody exists on purpose. However, in reality, it’s much harder to prove that multiverses exist, and that choices are widely irrelevant, except for in a cosmic sense. Speaking much more largely, aside from destroying our own planet, there isn’t really anything humanity can do to destroy the entirety of our Universe. The life choices of one individual does not change how the universe works, and even further does not even change how the Earth itself works. Nature will always be here, regardless of whether or not we sustain ourselves. For after humanity dies off, the Earth will still be here. Only by the inevitable heat-death of the sun will the Earth finally rest, but even then there is no human on earth who can stop that. 

Where was I going with this? Oh yeah.

Because our choices are irrelevant in the cosmic perspective, our cosmic purpose is non-existent as well. But just as Morty tells Summer not to run away from her life, we also cannot run. Just because there is no greater purpose for us, does not mean that we should spend our time in despair. It merely means that we must create our own purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere, but the place that you create for yourself. 

I have created for myself a space within the world Parker and I have constructed around us. Meaning comes from the things we do together, all of the good and all of the bad. It’s meaningful for us to cook dinner together, to play video games and to discuss and critique media. It’s meaningful to us to work through our mental illnesses together; to triumph over the darknesses in our lives. We have made meaning between each other by building up our history together, by always putting each other first, by spending our time together. 

It’s nice to have a place in the world, especially knowing it’s one he and I have created for ourselves.