#thread:jesse01

[rhiannonfalla]

jessehart​:

An echo of their used-to-bes lingered between them and Jesse felt himself almost desperate to reach for it. He had a lot of regrets when it came to Rhia, a lot of things he wished he’d done differently. Most of them were selfish things for selfish reasons, but he thought they still counted for something. 

There had been times where she’d been lying in his arms and peace would creep in, a feeling like maybe this could work. That maybe he wasn’t a puzzle piece so warped that nothing would ever fit quite right. But then they’d fight or argue and all it took was someone else to shine a light on him and he’d forget that she could bring out the sun. 

Guilt, like an ever-present shadow, threatened to sweep in, his mind too easily drawn into the reminder of the night that made entertaining any idea of them impossible now. And even still, even knowing, he tried to play into the things he knew she’d loved about him once. Because he would always be a little bit addicted to her warmth.

She blinked up at him through her lashes and he felt it then, leaned into it. And then her words sliced through him and he winced like they’d dealt a physical blow. He dropped her gaze, eyes falling to the ground to find his stomach that had also seemed to land somewhere near his feet. 

“I know,” he rasped, voice rough as though it had been dragged over gravel. Again, quieter: “I know.” It would be impossible to make up for the summer, he knew, but didn’t say. Instead, he took it as an invitation to try. A soft and sort of impish smile tugged at his lips. It was false, felt too harsh in the gentleness that had managed to live between them. But he’d always been good at this part, in the game of pretend. “But it’s a place to start, right?”

Countless nights Rhia sat on the floor of her room, consulting her pendulum and her cards about how she could make this work. She'd engraved his birth chart on her mind, if only to piece together an answer in which they were meant to be together. Countless nights she pleaded to strengthen his love for her, and at times she was almost convinced it worked.

Even now, she struggled to let go of those lingering hopes; her heart was so set on it being him. His cheating, her subsequent cheating, their emotional distance, they were only trials and tribulations in the grand scheme of their divine love. At some point, the end goal seemed unreachable, and she was dealt more feelings of jealousy, betrayal, and resentment. She hated those feelings as much as she hated herself for not being enough for Jesse.

It'd taken her the whole summer to accept they hurt each other more than they healed, and Rhia couldn't be responsible for breaking the boy she loved. Chips and cracks existed from their time together, but she'd never forgive herself if she ended up being the one to ruin him like he ruined her (and how countless people before him ruined her). Yet, Jesse made it so easy to fall back in the same pattern, tempting her with blissful memories and false promises.

She'd seen it clear as day, the way her reprimand left him in shambles. Her heart ached, regret and remorse taking over and blaming her for inflicting such a blow. He meant well, didn't he? It was unfair of her to hold onto a grudge from months ago. He seemed remorseful, but somehow that made it worse; the fact he was aware what he'd inflicted on her and yet remained just as eager to do it again.

Yet, the strain in his voice, the falter in his over-confident facade, Rhia felt responsible to mend it. She nearly reached out to grab his arm, caress his skin and apologize for her ruthlessness. Instead, her eyes softened like melted butter, watching -and hating- him struggle in the face of her coldness.

Jesse looked up at her again, a hint of optimism on his features that Rhia recognized as one of her own trauma responses. She smiled back, eyes wrinkled from his insistence for another chance, the beginning to another cycle. "Yeah," Rhia said, quiet as a mouse. "Yeah, it is," she reiterated again. She let out a soft sigh, glancing around like she was going to be caught doing something she wasn't supposed to. "Should we, uh.... Yours?"

[rhia-falla]

jessehart​:

Jesse had to work to keep the surprise off his face when she didn’t immediately take him up on his offer. It left him a little unbalanced, a little less sure of his standing with Rhia. Yeah, they hadn’t exactly ended on the best of terms last year, but there had been enough time between now and then to scrub the last indiscretion from his record.

It was only when he was left floundering for where to go next that he realized he’d been kind of desperate for the distraction, and he hadn’t expected her not to give him one. Rejection stung like betrayal and his eyes shuttered, hardened, as his walls shot back up. Whatever genuine emotion he’d offered her a moment ago, he yanked back now like a rug from underfoot. 

But even through it all, he smiled, straightening himself so that he was no longer crowding her space. But it was in his eyes. And he let it be. Because he had this one last card to play, this one final combo before the KO. Hurt shone in his eyes even as his valiant smile remained, stretched wide and boyish across his face as though it were nothing more than a flimsy mask. And then he left it all dangling there like a baited line. She wasn’t biting now, but maybe she’d find herself feeling a little hungry later. 

“Sure,” he said noncommittally, a single shoulder jerking up in a shrug. Taking several more steps back, as though he intended to continue on his way, he offered her a half-hearted salute and repeated her sentiment. “See you around.”

.

In a split second, the energy in the air made an immediate shift. It felt ten times heavier to look at his face, and the warmth that seemed to radiate from him a moment ago fizzled and dissipated completely. Its absence felt deafening, and for a moment Rhia felt inclined to speak up and stop him from pulling away. His eyes were dark, unwelcoming, almost spiteful. She couldn’t return his smile; she couldn’t even force another few, reassuring words from her gaping mouth. Her heart sunk to her stomach watching Jesse back away from her, but she didn’t have it in her to stop him. She turned her head away from him, still frozen in place even as they exchanged their cordial goodbyes. She hated the tone in his voice now, she hated that she still fought to stop herself from comforting him. Yet, she couldn’t be responsible for fucking them up all over again. “Yeah,” she spoke, dishearteningly. Her knees bent and she took a step away from him. Then another, and finally Rhia turned toward Anya’s dorm, interrupting her set plans to hide in the presence of a good friend.

END.

[rhia-falla]

jessehart​:

Perhaps it was Donovan’s influence that made Jesse recount all of his shortcomings when he looked the direct result of them in the face, but all he could see as his eyes drank in Rhiannon was every single mistake he’d ever made. As if peering at the tapestry that had been them, he could see every frayed edge with its unraveling thread, and wondered what exactly it was that made it so easy to pretend it wasn’t in tatters.

It hadn’t always been that way, though. Jesse could recall a time in the beginning when it had been real. It had been his inability to not play games that had damned them. She had come too close to his heart so he’d done what he always did; he ruined it. He needed a reason to lock her out, some proof that she’d hurt him eventually, so he hurt her first. And then when she played the same games he did, it was like confirmation that he had done the right thing. 

And thus, began their game.

He tucked away the sting of betrayal— the hypocritical one he would always feel— and flashed her a warm, affectionate smile. It wasn’t a mask crafted entirely of his own built-in armor; there was— and likely always would be— real affection for Rhia buried somewhere inside him. And he called upon it now as he pocketed his airpods in favor of her attention. 

“Terrfiying,” he joked, lips pulling wide over his boyish grin. Silence ballooned between them, weighted and heavy and full of so many unsaid things. Slowly, Jesse’s face softened, the smile he wore like a shield slipping infinitesimally into something else. After every curveball this year had thrown him, he yearned for something familiar, for a pattern he could retrace with his eyes closed, for something that made him feel something good. “Been a while since we’ve seen the sun around these parts.” His grin turned to armor once more. “You planning on sticking around this time?”

-

His smile, perfect and disarming, held too much warmth; like if Rhia reached out and touched it, she’d singe her fingers. There was no glint of pain in his eyes, there was no remorse in the way he carried himself. She couldn’t help but feel slighted by how okay he was in the face of her. Though, Jesse had never been one to cower away from his wrong-doings, even while they still slept beside each other.

Had she ever received an authentic apology from him? One she didn’t demand or didn’t immediately lead to her crawling back into his sheets. Always, he bounced back with a charming smile and an interesting proposition, and Rhia would slip back into the foolhardy girl smitten with the infamous Hartthrob. Then again, had she ever apologized for what she’d done in return? Maybe she didn’t need to, given Jesse’s preoccupation with every other pretty blonde on campus.

With an airy laugh, Rhia tucked her hair behind her ear and gave Jesse a shrug. So desperately she wanted to prod, is that why you ran away? What was it that scared you off? They had long since passed an opportunity for explanation, so Rhia’s brain filled in the missing details for him. There was something about the way he looked at her that put her on edge not because she feared his scrutiny, but because she could recognize that same tenderness from when they were together. Was it really so easily feigned?

She tore her eyes from his face, settling to stare off in the distance rather than acknowledge what lingered behind Jesse’s eyes. Don’t look at me like that, she wanted to scream. Please, don’t do this to me again. His words rang deep into her bones, and suddenly she felt a year younger and helpless to the doomed affection she used to hold for him. Rhia, if just for a moment, fell back into the snapshot of their dance, a deep ache splitting her chest wide open as she recalled how it felt being his sun, to shine her light freely for him.

When she looked back at him, the look on his face was gone and she could breathe again. She smiled, intent on giving him nothing in return. “I was making my yearly rotation across Earth. You understand,” she played along. Her right arm crossed over her chest, grabbing loosely hold of her other upper arm and rubbing herself in soothing motions. “That’s the plan. Stick around and get a degree. Then get famous and have the whole world wrapped around my pinky,” she mused. “Anything of interest happen in my absence I should know about?”