brokenphoenix

[brokenphoenix]

Sometimes I think hypocrisy is one of the most hurtful things out there.

I married young (20) to a guy 11 yrs older who acted like I was the stars and the moon and he fully supported my dreams of an advanced degree and a life where my career meant travel and my off time meant new adventures.

Turned out he liked the idea, the pretty words, but hated the actual living. When he met me I had a lot of responsibility for my age and worked long hours. Once married? Constant complaints, wanted me to shirk duties to spend more time with him, didn't want me to go out of town, or spend time with friends, or travel with my sister. He "needed" me and "worried." But don't worry, this was all for me, all because of his love.

I was pregnant 5 months later, and spent years at home with my children, of which I have three. I get very sick and have morning sickness all day, all pregnancy as well as dizzy spells and etc. I worked through most of my first pregnancy, then part time with my second. I nannied full time in summers after her and with my 3rd. My husband worked normal daytime job hours for most of this, but switched a couple times. He had a dream of having his own construction business. I backed him, and again for another reason delayed going back to school. I worked hard as his accountant, three babies, unknown health issues as this time caused my pain and exhaustion (years later I would find out systemic immune responses to foods) and still did all of the cooking, cleaning, bill management, packed lunches everyday for his little team, groceries, everything.

He's very vocal, I'm not necessarily the quiet type in full, but I am not one to critique and compare like that. You do you, your way, take responsibility, I'll do the same.

Everyday he picked me apart, but framed it like I was unreasonable if I was hurt, I should never make him walk on eggshells, I need to understand my shortcomings. With each job there was no established time home, yet I was criticized when dinner wasn't hot and ready for him. 4pm? 7pm? Didn't matter. But I should have checked in more. I should have known.

He was the one who insisted on babies. He was the perfect dad at the hospital. Everything on me when we got home. Not only was I recovering from childbirth without help, taking care of a baby, then more, he expected to be waited on still as well, and continuously complained about the 6 week wait rule.

I will never forget when my ab muscles started tearing in the 2nd pregnancy, diastasis recti. My Dr said it doesn't usually hurt but can in some cases, especially stronger muscles ironically. He said to listen to my body, don't lift things so heavy it causes that tear sensation or pain. I asked hubby to empty the big heavy kitchen trash for me, reiterated it was causing me pain. "Your Dr said pregnancy isn't sickness, I was there. You'll be just fine baby. You can do it."

I lost some of myself in that moment.

I kept doing the trash. It kept hurting.

I realized that a lot of the tiredness was depression.

He told me to get medication because he was tired of dealing with me not being energetic. So I did. I hurt less... but I didn't feel joy more.

He said I was cold. I was frigid. I tricked him. I'm not particularly expressive of deep or sad things... so more and more often, quiet. He said to be hurt and thus withdrawn was vile manipulation like "those wordly women." I had to carefully preserve his ego, while he trampled mine then demanded starry eyed infatuation. Anytime I tried to ask him to help, to be kinder, to just stop complaining at me because for the love of God I AM TRYING... I was criticized.

I tried harder.

I gritted my teeth and lifted my head and fought with every bit of will left in my spirit to keep up with everything and not to sink into the black hole calling for me and sucking at my heels.

I failed, everyday. But damn it I got back up the next and tried again.

I'm so tired.

For years he told me I had it easy, he could do what I do much better. He could stay on top of it. I needed to keep struggling and learn to be less weak. I needed these trials. I needed set straight.

His business failed and he was looking for work again. This time I said "me too, we're going under now so it's whoever can land income first." He said don't worry, people have my back, something great will fall into my lap it always does. So he sat. And I fought for us. Months pass, and at the final stretch I finally got a solid lead. I interview, am hired on the spot.

I'm nervous- it's a lot, and most of the year consists of grueling hours. Lots of interaction with people, accounting, management... but salary. I wonder how things will go- maybe I'll learn watching him succeed at what I've tried at for years, but it'll still hurt to have pushed so hard and fallen constantly short. I hope I can be enough at work. I hope he doesn't lose even more respect for me as he easily manages the household.

Yet somehow, I still need to do groceries and bills, even though he did nothing to help. Ok.

The house doesn't get cleaned. So, I still do it, but am less perfect, I don't have the time and energy.

The dishes sit in the sink. I do them.

Dinner is rarely ready for me. I make it.

I don't complain. I don't get even. I don't nag, point out his flaws, I stay gentle. I bite my tongue. I keep trying.

It's like a knife in my spirit.

I excelled at work, they loved me. Those weirdos even think I'm smart.

He keeps complaining about me, and I realize I've never felt so lost. My eyes are opening and I'm struggling to make sense of this all, of him. Reality as he painted it is crumbling.

He says older kids (elementary) are harder than littles.

They are in school most of the day.

But I'm sure they seem harder to him... he never had to work at it before. The sleepless nights, the worry, the work, organizing, appts., meals, everything was on my shoulders. He couldn't do it. He didn't understand. And I realized I knew this pattern; when things got hard, he gave up.

This is where I found out a lot of my physical pain and issues were caused from reacting to foods. I went on yet another elimination diet, but with a twist- carnivore. I lost 20 lbs of inflammation the 1st week. My body healing helped my mind clear more, but as weight fell off and I started being my old self again, taking care of my body through exercise and my new dietary limits, I saw a new side of him on display.

He lashed out at me in insecurity. He constantly expressed worry I would get too thin, and not look good to him. He tried to encourage me to eat the things that hurt me. But this was it, this was my desperate push to regain myself and I, for one, refused to bend. I was finally healing.

Then Trump, then Covid hit. The man who didn't touch politics was obsessed. Sometimes 3 devices at once. I was laid off beginning of 2020. "Great!" He tells me. "About time I get a freaking break." And just like that the little bit he shouldered slipped back onto mine.

But reality had already cracked.

I kept protecting my health, and I kept taking care of my family. The contrast continued to grow more clear.

He was always the best, the smartest, the most efficient at every job. But now we're home together for months. I hear the conversations. I realized I believed in a character he painted, not a reality. I realized how much I didn't trust my own thoughts. I realized my effed up childhood of gaslighting, abuse, and manipulation had set me up for this. He could come away from a debate he objectively lost, and believe he won it. He could sit on his ass for months leaving his little wife to nearly despair trying to keep her head up... and feel no remorse, instead more insults. I pitied him.

I went back to work. I was promoted.

Everyday I listen to crazy political talk. I've asked him to leave me out of it, he won't, despite that there's plenty I am not allowed to say. He should always get to talk about what he wants, I should always listen. If I'm smart enough I'll see what he sees and agree.

It's all sinking in.

He humiliates me.

But I can't unsee it all.

I have realized I'm the strong one.

He relies on his emotions. He's fickle, he'll break promises, he seeks his own gratification no matter what pain he causes me. He doesn't take responsibility, he doesn't face his problems. He might be able to break me physically but I've spent my life bending under this weight and only grown stronger.

Sometimes I laugh to myself now. I often wonder what was wrong with me before to fall for his shit in the first place... but at the same time I get it. I didn't trust my own reasoning because I was taught I couldn't... all the uncertainty was just the dissonance of their manipulation with reality.

I don't know what the next step is. I keep the peace, I protect and care for my children. I tuck them in every night. I shoulder it all.

I'm picking up French, learning new exercises, facing a new work season, trying to be better at my priorities.

I don't want to be fickle, to break my vows and be no better.

But I realize there is no fixing this. There is no fixing him. So I spend my life here or I leave.

It's my choice

I don't know where I'm going.

[brokenphoenix]

When they ask you how you feel and what you need.

When they try to assess your weaknesses.

Just to turn it all around on you, loudly talking over you, "just bringing a reality check" "just making sure you realize you've got problems", listing why your feelings are invalid, turning your "I need this from you" into a weapon to use against you.

[brokenphoenix]

I'm not a feminist, at least by today's seeming standards. If anything I would consider myself an "equalist". I believe prejudice and misused power simply needs removed from preventing people from attaining their potential. Don't prejudge someone based on gender or culture, skin tone, or other inherent birth rights from whether or not they are intelligent enough, hardworking enough, creative enough, strong enough, etc, to accomplish, reason, or reach a goal. I will not tell you not to be a feminist, however. And I don't believe those people who try to act like "there's no longer a place" for a battle of equality are correct.

Here's today's example, from my husband's friend. His wife comes from a wealthy family, she has a great bank account, her mother lives with them and will most likely bequeath her money to the daughter she lives with, husband complains he does much of the caretaking, all the grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry... I laughed a little. I told my husband "now reverse those roles in your head and tell me if you still see a problem." He got pissed. Both work full-time, that wife prioritizes gym and her health next. But imagine, for a moment, the man's elderly mother asks them to move in after her husband passed, and needs help. That man has the money, prioritizes gym time after work. His wife also works, does most of the caretaking, cleans, cooks, grocery shops... Looks pretty normal, doesn't it? Not much remarkable about the situation, is there? Expected, really.

His guys friends rally around him, it's not fair, she needs to step up.

That, my friends, is why I can stand here and say no, the battle hasn't been won. Sure, progress is made, but inherent gender bias stands still, and dramatically affects life quality for far too many women, who aren't heralded heroes when they speak out, but instead branded nags or told they signed up for that, that's being a good little wifey.

It's really quite simple. Just be a team. Don't consistently take advantage of your partner. Don't assume things fall on them because of their gender. Don't brush off their emotions, perceptions, heartache, even complaints. Consider, talk it through, strive to esteem as an equal partner. When you're a team, either you succeed together...... Or you fail together.

[brokenphoenix]

"Interesting how common the stereotype that woman dominate conversation. Just saw another joke: boy tells his dad he got a role as a married man of 25 years. Dad tells him keep working hard, maybe next time he'll land a speaking role!

That has never been my experience. With my parents, yeah Mom talked a lot, not so much to Dad. He used to meet with another guy for Bible study and ended up confronting Mom about "butting in constantly". He felt his word was final. Me, I was the frog that started in cold water. Thought I'd found someone opposite, somehow instead jumped into someone with the worst traits of my parents. He was really good at talking about how different he was, I was a young, sheltered, abused 18 yr old from controlling parents. Sorry, just not being a sports guy doesn't make you a superior male.

We're 12 years in. He LOVES to hear himself talk. Politics is huge right now. I've heard the same overbeaten speeches over and over, can't have a conversation that's "interrupting" but if I am stringing more than a couple sentences together he gets a free pass because I "was taking too long". I'll then have to listen to a play by play of every conversation he has, demonstrating his superior reasoning and level of knowledge. (Please stop embarrassing me). I can't relate an opinion, a good or negative experience, or anything really. I am constantly accused of 'yelling' sounding 'too confrontational' 'asking stupid questions to piss me off' and 'thinking I know it all'. Speaking of projection. Requests for patience and kindness are met with a list of my failures and then every every conversation for awhile after begins, 'I don't know how to talk to you because you're unreasonable/oversensitive but...' 'ok we really have to watch how we say this so Mom doesn't freak out. Honey, when are you planning on dinner? Did I say that ok?"

Now we've been stuck home since I lost my salaried position in March due to Covid shutdowns.

I can't keep doing this."

I'm sure she's not alone in this.

[brokenphoenix]

Not even a little bit. 

[brokenphoenix]

Title page of one of President John Adams’ editions of Shakespeare. 

[brokenphoenix]

He's the Villain in my story.

Yet, somehow, the Hero in his own.

[brokenphoenix]

If you want to enjoy the song of a bird, do not build a cage; plant a tree.

[brokenphoenix]

Nothing is more damaging than always hearing the words, "I love you," through the actions that say, "I despise all that you are."

[brokenphoenix]

You explain it all so well. The rationalizations, spinning each perceived negative to be misinterpreted good and benevolence.

But then it happens again.

Each time slowly weakens your hold, your spell.

I can see the end from where I stand I just can't reach it yet. I can't trust my mind quite enough to be sure.

Some say limbo is between heaven and hell.

I say, is it hell.

[brokenphoenix]

you have to get yourself out of bad places. you need to resist the temptation to let everything slip and become apathetic & cynical toward yourself and your life. you need to accept that it takes time to change and it’s ok to fall over as long as u get back up. every morning is a new start and things don’t have to be this way forever. you can heal and you can change.

[brokenphoenix]

What is one of the worst ways a benign phrase has been used against you?

Submitted anonynously: "I was pregnant for the first time, I had a very demanding job (long hours on my feet, some heavy labor and heavy lifting). I asked the doctor if I needed to modify anything or be cautious as I'd read there could be danger for baby in heavy lifting. He told me in general anything I was doing before I can still do, but he does recommend lifting no more than 40lbs especially as I progress. He then said, "Pregnancy isn't an illness." But not in a mean spirited way at all, further explaining I just need to listen to my body, but I can have peace of mind. My husband was in that appointment. "Pregnancy isn't an illness." He told me, well into the second trimester, still battling 'morning sickness' except all day long, exhausted, working 60+ hrs a week, still doing all the house work too. Third trimester, still struggling, achy everywhere, asking for help. Second pregnancy, now at home having moved. Severe groin pain, struggling to get around, doctor did say I wasn't in danger from it but to take it easy. "Pregnancy isn't an illness." The house is a bit messy from my toddler, I've lost 18 lbs throwing up in the first trimester. He's mad about the house, dinner isn't ready on time. "Isn't an illness." Third pregnancy, insane exhaustion, struggling to keep up with the younger two, the house and the yard, no breaks, struggling to sleep because of pain and of course the other two kids waking up. Can we share some of this workload? Can you take a night getting up with the kids? "Isn't an illness." Diastasis recti started at some point third pregnancy, first time for me, and it was actually incredibly painful. I asked my doctor about the burning pain, he says it's 'normal' and usually not painful but for some can be. Recommends not lifting heavy or otherwise straining, don't worry, just don't overdo it. "Ask your husband to do the heavy carrying." I ask him to start taking out the kitchen trash, we have a weird shaped can and it's a struggle to pull it out and is the main task that really fires up that burning pain. "Isn't an illness". So many more times than these examples. So yeah, that was one particular instance where what was meant to be comforting ending up causing me so much pain. I can't even imagine treating a partner one that, especially pregnant. His headaches held more value than every facet combined of me growing another human."

[brokenphoenix]

[brokenphoenix]

[brokenphoenix]

[brokenphoenix]

Submitted:

"Anyone else's husband's gone off the deep end during this political unrest Coronavirus period? Either way even? 12+ hrs a day politics on TV, he's shouting and commenting like it's an freaking football match, nonstop crazy conjectures and if I dare to question or show how these two correlations don't logically prove causation, I'm the enemy, blinded, stupid, or just can't get it and need to go away.

I just can't keep keeping on. But we have kids and I have noone. It wasn't great before, but this is awful. I would much much rather do this alone than be dragged down and insulted by someone who thinks it's their right to take over the living room and leave everything else on me for months. I can't be the only frustrated wife"

Input, Tumblr?

[brokenphoenix]

"Marriage was the first beautiful facade, revealed to be the name of the Grave where my hope and dreams went to die."