#tldr just an earnest guy :')

[hythlodaes]

oc smash or pass - emile

Rules: pretty self explanatory. include physical descriptions or pics, and propaganda. the “other” label can be used for “sexuality misalignment” (ie: oc is femme and you’re gay, vice versa or you aren’t into smashing but a specific thing you wanna do with them like perhaps hug or study them under a microscope idc).

ty for the tags @lilas and @coldshrugs !!

i will tag @lavampira @this-is-ris @iron-sparrow and @birues <3

quick facts

height: 6'9

age: 34

gender: cis man

pronouns: he/him

sexuality: bisexual

pros

he's big <:

softspoken but a lil silly, loves to tease and flirt

finds little ways to let his partner know that he's thinking of them when they're apart

will always make you feel protected and safe !!

he literally has big brown eyes

cons

he has the weight of the world on his shoulders and will always put that first

tends to get hung up on one guy and spends years never able to give anyone his whole heart :')

has a hard time communicating his needs and often acts like they don't matter

his sad face is one massive guilt trip

details

he loves to listen to his partner go off about a topic they're excited about

runs hot, he will be your own personal elf furnace in cold climates

his chest hair is very soft

likes to be physically active, going on hikes and swimming and climbing trees—any outdoor activities

will wash the dishes if you make him food (please make him food!!)

wakes up with the sun, good luck getting him to sleep in and cuddle in the morning !

sexually: prefers to top but will switch, tends to let his partner take control. most of all he wants to be kissed and feel connected to them, even if it's casual

romantically: needs to be with someone patient! it takes him a long time to figure out his feelings, but once he's there he confidently gives his whole heart :')

[myerssimp21]

Stumbling Under Watch, (YAN! Pt. 4)

Romantic! YAN! Batfam x female reader;

TLDR: Reader gets wasted, Nightwing and Batman clean up.

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

You stumble slightly as you make your way down the darkened street, the world around you swaying just a bit too much. The night air is cool against your skin, a welcome relief from the heat of the crowded bar you just left. The cool air feels freeing, and you take a deep breath of liberating Gotham air, wincing at the stench from the alley beside the bar. You feel more grounded despite the smell, banishing the anger sparked in your chest at the way an equally wasted dude had invaded your personal space and tried to gyrate on you without permission, flipping you off in irritation and storming off when you expressed discomfort. After that, the party atmosphere was more suffocating than fun and you'd rushed out to avoid having a panic attack.

You're lost in your thoughts when a shadow suddenly drops from above, landing gracefully in front of you. You blink, trying to focus and feeling apprehensive before a grin spreads across your face.

"Nightwing!" you exclaim happily, your voice slurring a bit. You sway on your feet, reaching out to steady yourself against a nearby lamppost though your expression is filled with adoration. "Bludhaven's shimmery blue star! What are you doing here?"

Nightwing, with his charming smile and easy demeanor, steps closer. "Just making sure you're safe," he says, his voice smooth and reassuring. "Walking home alone at this hour isn't the best idea."

You laugh, a little too loudly. "I'm fine," you insist, though your unsteady stance says otherwise. "You shouldn't be wasting your time on me. There are criminals out there, real bad guys to catch."

He chuckles, the sound warm and infectious. He loves the way you gestured vaguely to Gotham City when you emphasize 'bad guys', as if the whole city is suspect. "You think making sure you're safe isn't important? The bad guys can wait a little while."

His charisma is almost palpable, and you can't help but feel your worries start to melt away. "Well, if you insist," you say, giving in with a shy giggle. "But I can walk myself home."

"I know you can," he replies, his tone playful yet earnest. "But let me do this, okay? I’d hate myself if something happened to you."

You roll your eyes playfully, feeling a burst of courage from the alcohol. "You are so cheesy, Mr. Nightwing," you tease, poking him lightly in the chest. "Are you always this sweet, or is it just because I'm drunk?"

He grins, clearly enjoying your boldness. "Only for you," he says, leaning in slightly.

You snort, shaking your head. "Wow, you really don't stop, do you?"

His dazzling blue eyes twinkle with mischief. "It's working, isn't it?"

You can't help but laugh, the sound bubbling up from your chest. "Okay, maybe a little," you admit. "But I still think you should be out there saving the city."

"Right now, making sure you get home safe is my top priority," he insists, taking your arm gently. "Humor me?"

You smile, feeling a pleasant warmth spread through you that has nothing to do with the alcohol. "Fine, fine. Lead the way, hero."

As he guides you down the street, he keeps up a light, flirtatious conversation that makes the walk feel shorter and infinitely more enjoyable. You're so inebriated, you never wonder why he seems to inexplicably know exactly where you live.

"So, do you often walk home alone at this hour?" he asks, his tone casual but with a hint of concern.

"Sometimes," you admit. "I like the night air. Clears my head. On nights like these, it just feels like walking through a dream."

He nods, his expression thoughtful. "I can see that. But it's still not the safest choice. Someone as cute as you needs to make more safe choices."

You laugh again, shaking your head. "There you go with the cheesy lines. Do they teach you that in hero school?"

He smirks, not missing a beat. "Maybe. Or maybe it's just you that brings it out in me."

Before long, you've reached your apartment complex. Nightwing doesn't stop there, though. He walks you through the lobby, making sure you stay steady on your feet with a supportive arm and attentive eye on your unpredictable drunken antics.

"You really don't have to walk me all the way up," you say, feeling embarrassed gratitude. "I can manage from here."

"I know you can," he replies with a smile. "But I'd feel better knowing you got to your door safely."

And how could you say no to him?

You relent, letting him guide you to the elevator. When you finally reach your apartment door, you turn to face him, "Thanks, Nightwing," you say, your voice filled with gratitude.

He smiles, his eyes twinkling. "Anytime. Get some rest, okay? And call me if you need anything."

You're not sure how you'd call him, but you nod, fumbling with your keys. "I will. And, um, thanks again. For everything."

As Nightwing watched you struggle with your keys, his earpiece crackled with the familiar voice of Red Robin, his tone stern and disapproving.

"Dick, you shouldn't be walking her home like this. You're neglecting Blüdhaven," Tim's sharply criticized, echoing Bruce's concern from the last meeting.

Before Dick could respond, Jason's voice broke through the comms, equally sharp. "Shut up, Tim. You don't get to criticize Dick for wanting to make sure she's safe. You've got no say in this."

Dick could feel the argument brewing, frowning in disappointment at the discord between his brothers. Before it could escalate further, Bruce's deep, authoritative voice entered the conversation.

"Nightwing, return to Blüdhaven. You've done a good job here, but your city needs you."

His words were calm and commanding, diffusing the situation. Dick quietly sighed, covering his disappointment with a charming smile as soon as you managed to get the door open and shoot him a victorious grin.

"Understood, B. Heading back now."

As you disappeared into your apartment, your voice drifted back through the still-open door in a dreamy, love-struck tone. "His smile is so pretty… and he's just so nice. I can't believe how lucky I am to have him looking out for me," you chattered, clearly smitten in your drunken state.

Dick smirked slightly, knowing full well the others could hear your every word. Leaving the comms line open for a few moments longer, he lets your adoring comments linger. Then, with a decisive click, he turned off the comms, making a silent point to Tim and Jason about just how much you liked Nightwing.

Closing your apartment door for you and locking it from the outside with a copy he kept close at all times, he left your apartment complex. You wouldn't realize he'd locked it for you of course, but his smile beamed with satisfaction and his heart was brimming with protective pride nonetheless.

As the Bat-family patrolled the streets of Gotham, the hum of their comms network buzzed to life. Red Robin, monitoring the city from the Batcave, noticed a concerning scene unfolding on one of his screens.

"Guys, we've got a situation," Tim's voice crackled through their earpieces, urgency lacing his tone. "She just left her apartment. She’s still stumbling around. Think she raided her vodka cabinet or something."

Dick responds first, amusement evident in his voice. "I honestly didn't think she'd figure out the door."

Damian replied dryly, "You only locked it."

Dick chuckled, "I know."

Jason Todd's voice chimed in, brimming with readiness. "I’m nearby. I can check up on her, make sure she’s safe."

Before anyone could respond, Bruce Wayne’s authoritative tone cut through the comms. "I’ll handle it."

There was a moment of silence, the team recognizing the finality in Bruce’s words. No one dared to argue with Batman when he made up his mind.

"Roger that," Dick responded, "Be careful, B."

Red Robin watched the scene unfold through the CCTV cameras they'd placed discreetly in and around your apartment. He couldn't help but feel a twinge of sympathy for you, knowing you were about to face an irritable Batman. "Good luck," Tim thought to himself, sending mental prayers your way.

You had made it halfway down the block, the cool night air barely sobering your senses. Your steps were unsteady, and the city lights blurred in your vision. Just as you were about to cross the street, a dark figure landed quietly behind you, almost blending into the shadows.

You jumped at the noise, a startled gasp escaping your lips as you turned to see motherfucking Batman standing there, his eyes piercing through the darkness. "Where do you think you're going?" His voice was a low growl, sounding angry.

"Batman! What the fuck, you scared me!" you exclaimed, your heart racing from the sudden fright. You can't help but clasp your hands to your chest, feeling the frantic beating as blood rushes through you. You're either superbly wasted or just a pussy because you're convinced he almost made you faint with his dramatic entrance. "I wanted some air. Nightwing walked me home earlier. I'm fine."

He stepped closer, his presence overwhelming and you have second thoughts about staying out late. "It's not safe out here for you," he insisted, his tone leaving no room for argument. "You know you shouldn't have even left after you were escorted home."

"But I..." you began, trying to find your footing both literally and figuratively. You're not sure what you're even protesting against, but you feel like your decision to stupidly walk the streets of Gotham drunk should be respected somehow. Why do Gotham's protectors even care if you're drunk out here anyways?

"Look at yourself," he continued when it's apparent you can't get your words together, his judgmental gaze taking in your disheveled appearance. "It's late, you're drunk, and you're not even carrying pepper spray. You need to go back home."

You pouted, crossing your arms defiantly. "I can take care of myself."

He sighed, his expression softening slightly but his voice growing sterner. "No, you can't. Not like this. I'm taking you home."

When he reached out to guide you, you resisted his touch, pulling away stubbornly. Without missing a beat, he effortlessly picked you up, slinging you over his shoulder like you weighed nothing. "Hey!" you protested, your fists lightly thumping against his back.

"Enough," he said sternly, his tone brooking no argument. "You're going home. Now."

As you squirmed, you felt a strange mix of frustration and a sudden, unexpected arousal at his show of dominance. The firmness of his grip, the authority in his voice—it stirred something inside you that you couldn't quite ignore, and you unclenched your fists, letting them drop with an exasperated sigh. Wouldn't want to make his job harder, after all. He did do a lot of great work for this city, you reasoned, quieting your whining and miserably relaxing in his controlling grip.

Despite your new lack of protest, his hold on you was unyielding as he carried you back to your apartment. The scent of leather from his suit and the solid feel of his body against yours made your heart race for reasons beyond just anger.

When he gently set you down at your apartment door, the bat-eared figure before you swirled in your vision, the mix of alcohol and adrenaline making it hard to focus. You could barely tell, but it seemed like he had a small smile on his face as he opened your door and ushered you inside with an intense look.

You stumbled into your apartment, turning back to see him still watching you. As he softly closed the door behind you, you swore you heard him murmur, "Be a good girl." The words sent a shiver down your spine, leaving you both unnerved and aroused.

With shaky hands, you locked the door, leaning against it as your mind raced. The night had taken an unexpected turn, and you were left feeling a confusing blend of emotions. Nothing a shower and your favorite comfort show couldn't fix, right?

As you plodded off to grab your towel and turned on the shower, Tim reported your apparent intentions to stay inside. The shadowy figure that had been lingering near your apartment, ready in case you tried to sneak out again, turned and grappled off towards the next order of business.

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

@dakota-rain666 @tyga-stripes @obsessedwithromance @lem-hhn

[maggins]

As someone who is not too familiar with IDW Transformers could you please give us a TLDR why the heck Thundercracker has a dog and a human girlfriend?

oh bOY OH BOY WHERE TO BEGIN.....

well, if you want a SUPER quick rundown of his IDW version, this video gives a very neat summary at the 7:45 mark! and his tfwiki entry has a much lengthier but more detailed description of his story in the comics

.... however, i kinda wanna brainrot about TC's arc from memory so hERE I GO I GUESS

from what i remember he started out pretty much as p much another goon in the decepticon army and part of the elite trine with starscream and skywarp; but his devotion to the cause started to waver when the cons launched a full scale invasion of earth; he didn't feel like humans were worthy adversaries and that what they were doing was just a senseless slaughter. it came to a breaking point when he found himself saving the autobots and new york city from a nuclear strike orchestrated by megatron. skywarp blasted him in the face (ouch) for his betrayal and left him for dead in the rubble of the city as the decepticons retreated and the autobots went into hiding/running from humans.

however, he survived this barely, and spent the next three years hiding in the rubble of the city and waiting for aid from a distress signal he managed to send out to any other comrades who may not have heard of his betrayal.

and it was HERE during this period that he pretty much had nothing else to do but kill time, and how did he do it? by watching human television. he watched pretty much anything, from news channels to history and nature documentaries, and more importantly, cheesy soap operas. and it was here that his perception of earth and its people, culture and nature completely shifted; his kind had been stagnant war for millions of years, and during that time on this lil blue orb entire civilisations had risen and fallen and risen again, nature continued to shift the face of the planet on a daily basis, and he found that beautiful. he gained a newfound respect and admiration for earth and its ability to, ironically, transform itself every day 🥹

oh gosh im getting carried away, bUT THAT ˆˆˆ is what drew me to his character in the first place, i thought it was so cool to see a cybertronian, a decepticon, gain that level of respect for humans and nature and culture 🥰

AFTER THAAAAT well there's a lot of shit that went down bUT BASICALLY. humans eventually recognized him as a neutral cybertronian and granted him refuge, fuel and A DOG. i don't know the details of what led him to getting buster but honestly that doesn't matter; she's his everything and he would do anything for her 🥹 he doesn't go unchecked tho, he has a human liaison and that is where marissa comes in: she's his contact with the government to make sure he has everything he needs, and in return the organization she works for, the earth defense command, may call in some favors from him when wanting to deal with extraterrestrial threats

his love of television also inspired him to want to become a scriptwriter himself!! he's kinda terrible at it at first bc he's writing human characters from the perspective of an alien, which leads to some very interesting pieces of literature 😂 but honestly, he's so earnest and enthusiastic about it, you can't help but root for the guy!! he's just living his absolute BEST life on earth, creating art, getting loved by a doggie and hopelessly crushing on his girlboss human friend!! HOW COULD I NOT LOVE HIM HE'S SO ADASFAFFSDA

[airplanned]

In the fight against the writer's block I'm having, I have decided to 1. start working on a novel in earnest, and 2. blog about it.  It's the first full week of summer, and my kid and I went to the coffee shop to work for an hour.  I worked on my novel, and he copied the map from Link's Awakening onto graph paper and then worked on recreating the Merry Go in Minecraft.  

For ages I've been having a lot of trouble with middles, and I'm very in my head about it.  The last couple weeks, I checked out like six books from the library about spooky houses and now I'm picking them apart structurally to see what they do in the middle.  The tldr answer seems to be "whatever the fuck they want."  Middle seems to be much shorter than I'm trying to make them.  It's not the bulk of the story, it's the bridge from beginning to end.  (I can talk more about this research if anyone's interested, but right now that's not the point.)

So I sat down today with my pages of analysis, and decided that this week was going to be dedicated to pounding out an outline and figuring out where I was going so I wouldn't get stuck the way I usually do.  I am not an outliner.  I have no idea how to do it.  I find it really helpful to analyze a story for structure and story beats after it's a draft in order to figure out what's not working.  But I've never been able to make it work with "And now the turn!"  "And now the dark night of the soul!"  A lot of my stories naturally follow modern story structures, but planning it with an eye towards coming up with a scene that will fit a story beat has never worked for me.

It's never worked for me, but whatever the hell I've been doing for the last two years hasn't worked for me either.  So let's try it!

I wrote "Part 1-Arrival and unfolding of Mysteries" to try to get away from the three act structure I've been trying to impose on myself and then gotten nowhere.  I then wrote "Mysteries" and made a bullet pointed list of all the weird, spooky mysteries that are going to pop up and keep the story moving forward.  This went really well, and I was able to really get into it.  I actually have a lot going on here!  I can picture a bunch of scenes with these.  Then, I abandoned organizing by parts and made another list, which was how the character was going to gain skills.  As he gains skills, mysteries will be resolved and vice versa.  This finally brought me to the climax.  From my analysis of other novels in the genre, the final act is usually an action scene after all the mysteries are unveiled and the main character needs to really take initiative and act.  I don't have this climax fully fleshed out, but I have a whole bunch of brainstorming ideas and I know emotionally what needs to happen.  

Not an outline, but hot damn!  I can work with all of this.  I can go back to my tried and true "write whatever scene is speaking to me today" method, and then I don't need to worry about the middle at all.

Then finally, I have a list of issues I can see with what I've come up with so far.  For example, a lot of what I have going on is my main character refusing the call.  I need to be wary and make sure that this isn't super frustrating for a reader, and I made some notes about how to make this work.  Also, my character starts out at a very low point.  He's a determined guy and he's worked hard to achieve his dreams, but the novel starts with those dreams having been ripped away from him.  So now he's purposefully not dedicating himself (because what's the point?) to anything and just going with the flow.  This is problematic for the reason I just stated, but also I need to be wary that I'm not just telling the reader (and not showing) that he used to be focused and determined.  I made some notes about how I'm going to handle that too.  I think knowing there are potential issues and just monitoring their temperature as I go will be good.  It'll be something to ask my critique group about.

So!  Good work today!

[thegreatyin]

How did you manage to handle not one, but FOUR separate accounts in fl? I recently made the account for my HD little guy but having to do the tutorial again just seems miserable

there's... weirdly several answers to that question, actually??

a HUGE part of it is due to the way FL is structured. the 10-minute action timer is a core part of the game on a fundamental level, and the fact that i can very easily run out of stuff to do on one character and thus have an excuse to quickly and easily swap to another is just... convenient? satisfying? i'm not entirely sure how to explain it. the fact that i can make progress even while i am fundamentally simultaneously Not Making Progress is like pure dopamine for my freak insane awful little brain. there's just something really pleasing about spending all of my actions pursuing The Goal Of The Day™ on one account before casually swapping to another and doing the same without feeling like i'm wasting time or acting to the first account's explicit detriment. the downtime helps! the recharge time helps! the structure really really works!!

i'm technically only actively playing three, maybe two accounts minimum. the only reason the fourth (the one that'll be my future BaL playthrough) currently exists at all is so i can get his earlygame completely out of the way now and not have to waste time running through it all later, when what i actually want to do is play the ambition i've made myself wait a full year to play. and also getting free goodies as seasonal stuff happens,, something something surprise tools to help us later. the only two accounts i'd say i'm really "actively playing" at the moment are caeru and lark- and of the two, lark takes the most priority, since his ambition is the one i'm currently pursuing in earnest. for a couple months now- despite being My Main FL Character- the scoundrel has actually been pretty inactive on a gameplay front outside of the occasional progression in TLC and discordance content. purely by virtue of having Very little left to do outside of Very long-term grinds and vanities. they're in their "now what?" "now you can start playing the game" era. they've graduated to previous protagonist background cameo in a sequel anime series. they're like the yin FLPC equivalent of red at the top of mount silver. they're Literally just vibing rn. i only keep posting about them regardless because i'm insane and i will never ever ever ever ever let that bat go. but yeah, big TLDR, outside of doing the bare minimum to keep making waves/notability up every week, i'm not actually spending that much time on accounts i'm not currently actively interested in playing. and that accounts for way more gaming spoons than you might think.

i have a virtually lifelong history of playing MMOs, especially and specifically world of warcraft. i was born in the endless grind for useless video game pixel vanities and/or bragging rights. molded by it. you all have merely adapted to doing the same piece of content a pointlessly excessive amount of times for literally no reason besides whimsy and folly. me? i've done my time. i've served my sentence. i've spent weeks doing the original burning crusade netherwing dailies. i've devoted days to running praetorium over and over and over again, back-to-back, nonstop, long before square enix cut it in half and made it NOT take at minimum an hour and a half per run. i've perfected my silverwastes + auric basin goldfarming strategies. i've (almost) crafted dragonwrath tarecgosa's rest. i've killed the sha of anger so many times its dying scream of agony is embedded into the very fabric of my being. ""only"" doing making your name content four times over? that is nothing to me. it means nothing to me. it is so infinitesimal i can do the persuasive seduction quests in my sleep. it's not a matter of handling misery, or having the capacity, or even sighing as i remember the brass embassy raid segment of the watchful questline seriously i don't know why i keep forgetting that exists or what even is my problem with it i just am so consistently mildly inconvenienced by it and its highly specific resource requirements and it is the worst thing ever. maybe i'm just so used to the scoundrel's near-infinite money and troves of disposable items that i've completely forgotten what being poor is like. despite having done that step 3 fucking times now. ahem. anyway. i have transcended the feeble mortal bindings of my resistant-to-grinding flesh and ascended to a higher plane of enlightenment, they may call me insane but they will be the ones left laughing when they see what that "insanity" has wrought, i've usurped them, i've usurped them all-

hacks and coughs and awkwardly clears my throat. i mean. uh. um. Ahem.

the empress' court artistry + tales of the university nerfs helped too.

[bitchking-of-angmar]

TLDR: The streamlining of fandom subculture into more and more marketable paths has fans recreating the same handful of established safe stories over and over which is stifling creativity and discouraging an earnest and deep and complex or messy relationship with the actual work in favour of things that are feel good, easily digestible and agreeable to an (imagined) audience. Romance and shipping especially are absolutely dominating fan works to the point that people cannot seem to imagine engaging with a work in any other way. As a creative in fandom, I think that sucks

The absolute majority of fan work that I see when I look into fandom spaces on public social media is shipping content. And I keep feeling a rift in the understanding of that shipping,.creating fan work or even engaging in fandom in general can mean between me and younger fans especially that I want to address.

When I am captured by a story and want to engage with that story through fan work, say, I am fascinated by a character, then I personally want to learn more about what makes that character tick. Who is that guy (gender neutral), why are they like this, and why is that important to me? What is their place in the story, what is revealed about them by how they problem solve and fail and succeed, both with and without the interaction of other characters? And that interaction can be anything, a relationship can be anything! A romantic relationship is not any more interesting or valuable for learning about a character than any other scenario. Being retail coworkers with others, starving alone in a desert, being in a parental relationship, or them being randoms stuck together in a Saw trap. Them being in their exact original story and setting, but one key or even minor factor is different. I want to imagine how this specific guy would deal with a situation and why they might react a certain way. How and if they would change, adapt, succeed or fail, and why.

That means I have ~30 different versions of that character in my head, each of them in a different situation and in different relationships to other characters. I am a scientist in a lab studying that guy. That's why other people's fan works fascinate me so. Please show me the character in a situation/dynamic/setting I haven't considered yet! A point of view or cultural background I would have never seen because my life is different from yours. What does that guy mean to you, what part of being alive do they reflect, why does that resonate with you?

I don't have a favourite ship. I think at this point in time I don't have ships at all. I can enjoy seeing a character in a friendship/romance/rivalry/etc combination with any other character if that tells me more about them. It's as meaningful as it is arbitrary. I can acknowledge two characters looking cute together in fan art or imagine that they might work well as a romantic couple in the same or a different setting, but I feel like that almost misses the point of this type of engaging with media? The reducing it to that one single question of "How would Romance work between A and B?". Romance is A possible interesting lense to analyse characters through, and it has been a cultural pillar for subverting the status quo. In acknowledging censorship in media past and present, a romantic reading and especially queer readings are deeply important and meaningful and needed! But there is so much more to do and write and draw and make music about, both in queer and non-queer interpretation! To the point that the absolute oversaturation of romance in contemporary has led many newcomers to understanding shipping as just that, while it used to mean engaging with ANY relationship type between any number of characters. You can do them all, separately or even in the same story. You do not need to chose.

I repeat: You do not need to chose or have a ship to create fan work or find community in fandom. You can find all of the possible combinations neat or none of them. Make up new ships, mix and match, it's all in good fun. And if you can find this peace in your heart, what other people ship suddenly has absolutely nothing to do with you, or with the work itself. It is a reflection of their personal relationship with and interpretation of the medium. Someone having a different relationship with a medium thereby cannot harm you, it does not take away from your personal relationship in any way or form.

I strongly feel there was a time without all of that fandom identity being centered solely on one exclusive romantic ship, when a bigger amount of my fandoms were somewhat on the same page about this plurality. Of all of us just doing science in a lab. Playing pretend. Asking What ifs and Would that be fucked up or What? Writing about the fallout after, the messes and the burials in between the good times as well and allowing griefand loneliness and failure to take center stage as well.

And don't get me wrong, I know fan work like this still exists! But this type of fan fiction in particular seems to be almost fully gone in my spaces. People are confused when I point out that it is missing, as if romantic shipping and the occasional porn were all there ever is and has been to fandom and fan work. As if there are no other worthwhile things to pretend and think about.

Even if we make this concession and were to fully limit ourselves to writing nothing but character spotlights through romance and porn. Even IN romantic shipping it feels like we've hit a wall. I barely see people imagining the romance between their chosen ship not working out. The question of if they would fit together is not considered, differences in demographics or other factors why they might not work out as a couple thrown out, as if these are not interesting observations to make, as if them fumbling and failing is not worth the time.

Instead, I keep finding the same age old romance tropes and the worn out paths of the one true love that ends up in the happy monogamous marriage in the suburbs with the kids. Even if my main fandoms nowadays are for gory slasher movies. We turn the camera off after the first kiss, the first fuck, the wedding. No more questions to ask and answers to give. Everything of relevance is said and done with a happily ever after, all conflict resolved, all is well. Where are the messy fights, where are the break ups and make ups, where is the divorce? Where is just staying friends and being happier that way, growing apart but staying together for the kids/dog/found family. Where is one of them falling ill or dying, where are the toxic bitches killing each other? We've lost so much variation and depth in fan work through this flattening of dynamics and the new people coming in think this is all there is, because this is all they can find. I genuinely don't see why it has to be that way.

Why the focus on romance? Why would one romance be more interesting than another? Why are people asking about which one is more Pure or Righteous at all, why would that ever matter? Which does lead to me not being able to grasp why people would care so much for one such relationship/version/interpretation over the others, to the point that they form identity around that one thing and actively exclude, avoid or even fight other interpretations.

"What would need to change about the narrative for this character to turn their life around and find a somewhat happy ending, and what would that even mean to them" would be a fantastic character study! Doesn't even have to be a bummer, if you are there for the escapism/ feel good content only. But that is not what I find most people are interested in at all, in any of the fandoms and AO3 tags I have been involved in over the decades.

Is someone still interpreting a work if they claim their subjective and highly personal interpretation is True or Correct? Are they still engaging with the work at that point? Do you have any idea how ludicrous it sounds to someone like me when someone says they want to "see their ship become canon?". How entitled and unhinged to ask a creator to bend their vision to ones personal taste? How much that takes away and limits what is to be learned from a story or even a character, if you just make your favourite subjective interpretation the Truth? Forcing the creator(s) to drop the ambiguity and fill all the gaps where the thinking and connecting could happen? How this plays into any critical engagement with a medium becoming more and more dismissed and discouraged in fandom spaces?

At a certain point of this process the character becomes just an exchangable set piece to a fully unrelated story. I see this coming up in trope fiction a lot (no shade at all, trope fiction is a great tool). People seem to stop asking about the how or why, break a character down to sometimes just one single identifying marker to make them recognizable to others and then go through the pre-established steps of a popular AU. Sometimes writing the exact same fan fiction in fandom after fandom with the same characters and just the names switched out/ the set dressing slightly changed to add a reference for the fandom or two. IS that still fan work? To me this feels like having OCs in your mind that you keep putting into different cosplay so you can re-experience their relationship over and over.

Which I am sure can be fun and liberating! Learning where and how you seek comfort tells you a lot about yourself, your wishes and dreams and fears. But it's ultimately a mostly if not fully separate activity from engaging with the medium, all found under the same labels in the same fandom spaces and thereby creating endless and needless conflict between people through miscommunication.

I legitimately get the impression that a sizable amount of people in fandom stopped realising that we're all playing with dolls here. That these guys aren't people with agency and that a character is as much part of a story as the scenario, the setting, the places described or the tone. Recovering terminology like Doylist vs Watsonian may help to bridge that gap, but I feel like there is a more fundamental schism happening that, despite all of this rambling, I am lacking the words to properly pin down.

What I want anyone reading this far to take away from this is that you can do whatever and I want YOU, the person reading this to take a short moment and think about what that truely, actually means.

Engaging with an impactful work has been a beloved human past time for as long as stories have been around and there is so much to explore. Do interpretive dance with a public shibari performance about the bond between Frodo and Sam, for fucks sake. Make a statue out of chopsticks on how Undertale made you feel that first time. Write a new Communist Manifesto out of the perspective of your Blorbo.

Fandom doesn't have to be all pure chaste first kiss stories and porn that can be sold as the next erotic bestseller with the names switched out. Get freaky with it! And more importantly, make it yours.

[falmerbrook]

for the quest ask thing how'd stellar deal with meeting the urshilaku tribe for the first time? meeting sul-matuul, nibani maesa? i assume it must've been a little difficult for an argonian

oooo this is one I've thought about before! (sorry this is long as hell but it's an important quest in his story so I have a lot to say!)

Some background leading up to it:

So prior to going to the Urshilaku, when Caius suggested he might be the Nerevarine and he should seek them out, Stellar got all pissed off and stormed out and decided he was done with all the nonsense in Morrowind. Now, he'd been suspecting it himself in the back of his head too, but he wasn't ready to confront that suspicion and he hated the idea of being tied to Morrowind or the Dunmer in any way. So he used the money he'd saved from Caius to travel to Northern Black Marsh and hopefully settle down there. TLDR the Hist tells him that he doesn't belong there and he needs to get his ass back to Vvardenfell. After some reflection, he decides to go back because he's too invested in the whole mystery of everything with the Sixth House and Nerevarine business, and he doesn't think he could go on with the rest of his life without closure.

And now the actual answer:

Prior to this point, he has been an absolute menace to society. He's purposefully abrasive and rude, he's violent and quick to anger, and he doesn't like the idea of letting any weakness or humility show, especially to Dunmer. He's a rash, insecure teen guy in a land that looks down on him anyway. But making the decision to pursue the Nerevarine stuff with the Urshilaku marks a turning point for him. He wants (and needs) them to take him seriously, and he's not going to do that with how he's been acting. So he does his research, prepares some gifts for the Wise Woman and Ashkhan before going to meet them, and swallows his pride.

When he gets there he's absolutely treated like an oddity, but the tribe isn't necessarily against the presence of outsiders as long as they follow their customs (they definitely view him with extra suspicion though). It takes him many weeks, but he manages to worm into the good graces of the tribe by basically being as submissive and polite and as much of a push-over as he could possibly be, and staying out of the way when he wasn't helping someone out. He did every favor anyone asked, no matter how hard or humiliating, and he absolutely hated doing it but he bit his tongue. He was a former slave so being asked to do so many tasks for Dunmer felt demeaning, but he powered through it, and even got friendly/close with some members of the tribe in the process. Most of the tribe wasn't really against his presence. He was making himself useful and wasn't getting in the way, and some of them even found his earnestness about the Nerevarine thing, and his willingness to do literally anything they asked him to, to be delusional but entertaining to watch.

Nobody takes him really seriously until his trip to Kogoruhn. At a certain point he'd proven himself to Nibani and Sul Matuul enough that they treated him with the seriousness and respect he was clearly trying to earn, but they didn't really expect the situation with him to go anywhere (him being an Argonian was still a complete roadblock in their minds), nor for him to come back from Kogoruhn. Not only does he come back, but he comes back pretty beat up and missing the end of his tail. To them this means he's serious about pursuing this whole thing, and while I don't think either of them truly get over the fact that he's an Argonian, they don't let it show and start taking him seriously and showing him genuine respect. (and, at that point, he's been there for so many months that much of the tribe has sorta just accepted him presence. While there are very mixed feeling about their leaders taking the Nerevarine thing seriously, no one really minds him being there at that point).

[passengerprincipessa]

hi!!!! sorry this is gonna be a bit long but—

i just wanted to say that your fics and your presence online is just so heart warming!!! your fics are amazing (read: literally life changing your fics have literally altered my brain chemistry and make me chew thru walls) and you are such a sweetheart and always bring a smile to my face!!! so thank u for all u do it’s greatly appreciated <3

this is a bit embarrassing but do u have any tips on how to make tumblr friends? i feel like everyone is just so cool and i don’t wanna overstep any boundaries or anything ;-; (we are mutuals but see above reason)

i just wanna talk to people about f1 and writing and my boys being silly but i am #shy 😔

hi!! this is such a sweet message and i totally understand the “how do i make friends” of it all. i obviously can only speak to my own experience, but i think there are two things that helped me make friends. one is making something (in my case, fic, but it can be anything! text posts about f1, gifs, art, video edits, whatever). it can also be something as simple as reblogging posts and putting commentary in the tags! but i know for me most of the early friends i made were people who reached out about my fics or posts on here. i think a huge part of making friends on here is putting yourself out there in some way

the second is just messaging people who seem cool. i know i love getting DMs on tumblr, even if i’m horrible about responding to them promptly. i’m always delighted when people message me to chat about fics or whatever. i think most people on here are the same way, and i’ve messaged people out of the blue just because i like their vibes. everyone’s always been incredibly sweet about it and i’ve made some great friends that way. you said we’re moots, and if you’re a moot you definitely shouldn’t be afraid to message me directly!!! i am overjoyed to chat!

anyway, i think the biggest advice on making friends is just to kill the voice inside your head telling you you’re bothering someone or being embarrassing by messaging someone. like at the end of the day we’re all hanging out on tumblr obsessing over our lil guys. none of us are that cool and i think, for me, realizing that was freeing in a sense

tldr, feel free to message me and anyone else you want to talk to!! all of us on here are here because we’re obsessed with the same thing and what’s more beautiful than being earnest and overly obsessed together

[lowpolyshadow]

Something i don't really agree or get is fandom perspective of shadow being lame,cringe and bastard meow meow cus that's not really it either(surviving and trying to cope with the horrors? The coolest thing), more like a modern distorted loved notion of people, yeah is funny but also projected and kinda westernized(the inaccurated dub versions and dialogue), leaning away from the original cultural backgrourd that get's sleep on and puts a more nuanced perception of the games. Idk where im going with this but i don't get people popular perspectives idk sorry im a killjoy i just love the fucked up aspect of this silly franchise and it's characters(i wish it could get that deep again).

theres a lot of things that indicate shadow is a cringe little bastard from jp to eng, it’s like his whole. Thing. the fanon flanderization of shadow is crazy but the part where he’s a bastard is pretty blatant in canon

like, he’s genuinely cool and stuff, he has a lot of fantastic moments (if the world chooses to become my enemy i will fight as i always have, the entire somewhat ridiculous yet awesome finale of shadow the hedgehog, sa2’s ending literally cemented his popularity so hard he came back to life in heroes because people thought he was fucking awesome and compelling), but a big appeal is the fact that he’s also still a silly guy in a series full of whacky silly guys

the eng and jp dubs have their differences in tone in a lot of ways, and eng is not incredibly accurate bc of it, but shadow even in jp is still like. a loser (affectionate)—he’s constantly talking about how much better he is, he insists on showing his dominance over sonic (and others, but especially sonic) even when it doesnt fucking matter ala tsr, he constantly FULLY believes he is the most correct person in any and all situations, and that his actions are always the best way to go about it even if it’s reckless or sometimes unnecessary (the mow things in my way down solution)

he’s so earnest in everything he does, in his own special cringe little way, where he’ll say factually correct statements in a blunt manner, but also not quite … ? he’s very honest. he’s incredibly straightforward. every single comment he says, no matter how fucking absurd or edgy or funny, he truly means it. thats his APPEAL he says shit like “ive hit the ultimate jackpot!” and “this is like taking candy from a baby, which is fine by me!” and somehow also “no one else should experience the things ive gone through” and thats all FANTASTIC

i like this twitter thread and a lot of jib’s threads on shadow, bc they know a lot more about the jp side of things, but tldr: shadow is my funny little guy. my stupid little pogchamp. my cringe little bastard boy who is the coolest and also the lamest motherfucker ive ever witness. i’m going to dribble him like a basketball

[ohsweetflips]

catharsis for myself

i think the thing that just gets me is that life rn feels like a very unstable (metaphorical) transition period and i'm currently caught in the four-way crossroads of "what if i'm wrong?" "what if i'm not?" "wouldn't it feel better to try than die wondering?" and "everything feels bitter and hopeless"

and what's so frustrating is that it's like i can see a way out but i can't mentally get out of it. like. i know the obsessive self-psychoanalysis is doing more harm than good. i know i'm hurting myself by trying to put myself in a binary. i know it's just fucking me up more viewing everything i do as some type of performance. but at some point i also just get so tired of having these cycles of self-assurance and confidence followed by such an immediate and steep decline into "what if i'm actually wrong and lying and i just don't know what i feel"

and i literally just sit here and feel clownish bc i know what i'm thinking and feeling but it's like. i don't trust myself. i feel like i am waiting to pull the rug out from under myself. it feels like this constant questioning and unsurety is going to make me actually lose my mind but all the things i could do feel impossible.

like it's futures that i fantasize about but that feel so intangible because it's going from A-Z but i don't want to do B-Y. it's laughable bc it's sitting here hemming and hawing and thinking that maybe i'm wrong or secretly just fooling myself and everyone else for attention and then i end my thought spirals with "anyways if i had just been born different, things would be fine."

and honestly it's an ever-growing jealousy at like. being out in public with my gay guy friends and knowing i will never be received the same. it's my mom jokingly referring to one of her friends (closer to my age than her's) as her gay son and knowing that i wouldn't get the same treatment (unless things were different). it's not wanting to be binary but feminine in the way a guy can be feminine. it's liking myself in theory and then if i stare at a photo/mirror too long, i raise the chances of self-implosion (which can also be connected to any other number of shit i have going on)

but then it's just like. i feel clownish no matter what. i feel like everything is made into a spectacle. i don't trust that people are taking me seriously bc i either don't take myself seriously or i feel too earnest and just get embarrassed.

it's like i just want to be different from the start but that can't happen and i don't know if, when, or ever things will be different and then i just feel the hopeless "why bother even trying then" but then that's followed by the even deeper pit of just keep. living some type of lie or performance i guess.

like i just wish i could take the extra steps that i want, to just be able to see - but i don't want it to be spectacle i don't need my everything pointed out to me bc i know like i know. i am reminded every day by myself and even when i try to make efforts, i just feel like i look like a clown.

i feel like i'm playing a game of transition chicken lmao like maybe the fantasies about being more genderless and flat-chested and on T aren't enough. i need to actually be those things to really know.

anyways tldr:

99% of people stop obsessive and meticulously self-psychoanalyzing right before they finally get the revelation they're hoping for <3

i saw a post on here a couple weeks ago that said something to the effect of "an egg gets a new layer every time they think transitioning is impossible" and i've been thinking abt it ever since

i'm actually relatively fine rn but all in all this has been one of those weeks that made me realize like. hey. maybe i should look for a therapist.

i thought people were exaggerating when they said that being 25 is feeling half like your life is just beginning and half like your life is completely over. this is not helped by occasional and sudden looming feelings of mortality.

[a-frog-in-a-bog]

You guys know that you should be fact checking and reading sources for everything and not just takes you don’t agree with right? The number one way misinformation spreads on this site is people reading something that validates their feelings and slamming reblog without any second thought. And this isn’t me preaching on a high horse I am also guilty of this.

For example a long time ago I saw a post that said “Fox News just published an article calling all aces and aros pedophiles!!1!1!” And while it was believable that Fox News would demonize any sexuality that doesn’t fit their narrow definition of normal what tipped me off is that most conservatives don’t know what ace or aro means much less have an opinion on them. 30 seconds later I found the article and lo and behold that is not remotely what the article was about. The actual article in question was essentially a callout post for Washington post for being a cringey liberal newspaper and one of their points was “they ran an article on Valentine’s Day about what people who don’t feel romantic love are doing instead of going on a date” and in a completely separate point said “last month they published a review about a play where the main characters are all pedophiles”. The author surprisingly didn’t even pass any judgement on EITHER point, like it literally was just “haha look at this liberal newspaper and their dumb articles” (btw all the comments were either “lol I thought this said aromatic as in smelly” or “this isn’t a new identity I know many couples at my church who feel this way”). Not even the most bad-faith zero reading comprehension could produce the earnest belief that this article was calling aces and aros pedophiles, the op was genuinely just trying to fear monger and spread misinformation and scare naive people for no reason. Or maybe for discourse reasons which imo is even worse.

But a quick glance in the notes proved that not one person had fact checked this claim, or even questioned it. This post had over 10,000 notes when it came across my dash!! And everyone fully trusted that op was being honest bc it aligned with their beliefs!! And they were understandably terrified about the implications of this nonexistent article!! I debunked the post and linked the actual article as proof but I have limited reach and clearly damage had already been done. Ok I’m done rambling sorry

tldr fact check everything, even claims you believe and agree with bc some people are stupid and some people have malicious intent

[leonardalphachurch]

Hey, found your recent ace donut post and wanted to share my thoughts on it. First as an ace person, it comes off acephobic, I know that was definitely not the intent but it still comes across that way. Especially in your remark about “ace tumblr user”.

Secondly I think my only real issue with the post was how seriously you took donut being gay as canon. Perhaps it’s just my perspective, but Donut to me has always been a big gay joke by the writers. So much so that it took me awhile to start to like him as a character because a lot of the time it felt like he was just there to be a cruel caricature of a gay person. A lot of the jokes felt hurtful, as some who has seen people irl say similar jokes about gay people, and the way other characters treated him upset me a lot. Overtime I learned to like Donut a lot but I really kept in mind how the writers saw him and treated him. He never seemed like an earnest representation, he felt like the punchline of a bigoted joke. Finally asexuality is a spectrum and many ace people make alot of sex/innuendos so it’s not completely out of left field to assume maybe that’s just how he expresses being ace. While I know that was not and never was the writers intent it does seem possible to assume that he could just be a flirty ace.

tldr: the writers are both ace and homophobic, I think the “gotcha” of making him ace was bad but he wasn’t great representation before. And if this is too much feel free to delete it, from your bio you’ve been in this community much longer than I have, and o like a lot of your posts !

1) i think you are a little bit reading me in bad faith here. when i say “ace tumblr user” i mean an asexual person who uses tumblr. nothing more, nothing less. i’m talking about how some random fandom member who makes a post about donut being ace isn’t really causing any material harm and therefore i don’t really care very much about it. when i say “ace tumblr user” i am making it clear that i’m critiquing the showrunners (and the fandom’s response to the showrunners) rather than any individual member of the fandom headcanoning donut as ace.

2) i think you are misunderstanding my point about donut being canonically gay (which is fair enough, that post doesn’t really go into it). i do not consider donut to be good representation (or really representation at all?). i think he is a pretty offensive homophobic caricature. i ALSO think, however, that taking your offensive homophobic caricature and having the culmination of 20 years of jokes about his sexuality be this:

is. homophobic. the joke here is “what, you thought the character that we constantly made gay jokes about was actually gay? you thought the guy who consistently expressed interest in sexual acts with men was gay for real? well he’s not, and actually if you thought that he was you’re just perpetuating stereotypes” and that’s. that sucks. i think taking a character that’s offensive representation and trying to cover it up by saying he was never what he was representing in the first place is NOT the way to handle this. and. to be clear. as a bisexual man i would be making these exact same posts if the punchline here was that he was bi. the joke of “you thought the gay stereotype was gay but he really wasn’t!” is a common homophobic joke and the punchline being another queer identity doesn’t make it any less homophobic.

3) i know asexuality is a spectrum. i talked in the post about how it’s possible to write donut as ace without erasing his sexual and romantic interest in men. i don’t mean to sound rude here but i genuinely don’t know how to make it clearer than me literally saying “it’s not the act of making him ace that’s homophobic” and “if you maintain [his interest in men] while making him ace […] that’s not homophobic.” my favorite interpretation of donut literally has him as aroace. i’m not talking about the way people want to interpret the writing. i’m critiquing the writing itself.

and like. man. i just feel like asexual people deserve better than to have their identity be the punchline of a 20 year long gay joke?? like i am overstepping my boundaries here but. like. i don’t know! i think you deserve more than this! i think you deserve rep that’s more caring than “wouldn’t it be funny if the guy who talked a lot about sex… DIDN’T LIKE SEX???”

also please don’t feel like me being in the fandom for a long time means that you can’t critique me. like, i disagree with your analysis of what i’m saying here but i have absolutely no authority and if i say something you disagree with you are always welcome to discuss it with me

[goofbell]

ok idk if you wanna answer this because you posed it on your priv but I'm DYING to know your rationale on your oso/mysme matchmaking post. how did you reach those conclusions 🎤🎤🎤

OMG HI yes i would love to explain my rationale for this i will never deny an opportunity to yap . technically this was a collaborative effort between me and my roommate so I cant take all the credit for the list

ok so:

osomatsu and yoosung: to be honest we mainly picked these 2 because i cant reasonably see any of the other mysme characters tolerating osomatsu LOL. the comedic potential of worlds biggest shit disturber and Worlds most gullible guy is unmatched also. theres a wild and obsessive side to yoosung too that i think would actually throw oso off under the right circumstances. tldr itd be funny

karamatsu and saeran: this one was interesting because originally i was team kara zen but they are too similar in style to come out of it unscathed. i think saeran deserves a loser boyfriend and who else could fit the bill. i also think karamatsu is one of the only brothers who is emotionally available enough to be able to have any sort of camaraderie with saeran without bringing him down - i think his willingness to just put himself out there would make saeran feel comfortable. plus i think they both have....eclectic taste

choromatsu and zen: classic nerd x prep dynamic. choromatsus interest in idols is similar enough to the nature of zens career so him growing to appreciate zens work is not too huge of a leap to me (if im being generous to this guy). i just think itd be so enemies to lovers like they would argue so hard

ichimatsu and seven: i think this was the first one we decided? beyond the love for cats I just think they could influence eachother in interesting ways - sevens energy might force ichimatsu out of his shell and ichimatsu can relate to seven's facade and could make him feel comfortable dropping it sometimes. i just think they have a lot in common

jyushimatsu and jaehee: no one else deserved jaehee. Also i just think that jaehee deserves some whimsy and joy in her life and who better than jyushimatsu to bring it . methinks its hard for jyushimatsu not to like someone but i think he would be endeared by how earnest jaehee is and would be full of glee when he gets her to loosen up a bit

todomatsu and jumin: can you just imagine them interacting. we picked this duo because the potential here was too great. Todomatsu is such a little ass kisser and would try to manipulate the hell out of jumin to get what he wants. something something they both end up learning how to Be Real idk how to explain it. just feel it

bonus osomatsu and V: i think V just needs to be put in a room with someone who would not be afraid to tell him he has problems

[corvidcall]

What is fnaf about I thought it was just a horror survival game but there's lore???

i am assuming this is an earnest question but i want you to know that for a moment i genuinely thought you were pranking me LMAO

fnaf was kind of The Originator of what people like to now derisively refer to as "mascot horror", which is usually typified by having some sort of child-friendly character(s) that secretly house Dark Lore. yknow, your Amandas the Adventure, your Poppys Playtime, etc.

but fnaf is kind of Known for Having Lore. thats matpats bread and butter! (it also has a reputation for being really convoluted lore, but I dont really agree with that. I think its only convoluted because matpat and co refuse to believe that anything in the games might be a joke or a metaphor or just. entirely retconned. this is why game theory is my enemy. The other part of the problem is that the game's creator, Scott Cawthon, very much was not planning the lore out before the game started, and was really just laying the tracks directly in front of the lore-train, so I PERSONALLY think it's foolish to search for a lot of foreshadowing when he didn't have a lot of ideas about the fore he might be trying to shadow, yknow?)

the very very short summary of the Lore is that two guys made a Chuck E Cheese style childrens animatronic restaurant, which was popular once upon a time, but one of the founders (William Afton, aka Purple Guy, aka Springtrap, aka everyones nasty boyfriend who sucks) murdered a bunch of children, whose souls now possess the animatronics. All the games are dealing with the legacy of this, in some capacity or another.

The lore mostly is found in easter eggs and minigames you get when you die. And also the books, which I've never read, and you cant make me read. It gets squirrellier as it goes on, getting into mind control, trying to achieve immortality using child souls, robot daughters.... tbh I mostly just ignore a lot of the stuff that I think is dumb, because what I am personally very invested in is Mike Afton, the player character of 2 of the games and the son of William "the man behind the slaughter" Afton. He's never done anything wrong except for that stuff he did.

The Fnaf movie is coming out October 27th, and none of us have any idea how much (if any!) of this lore will even be in the movie. The main character is named Mike, but he might not even be Michael Afton! It could be a different, unrelated Mike, because Scott Cawthon keeps giving characters the same names even though they have no connection with each other, and I hope he never stops because it makes me laugh every single time.

Anyway, I'm not going to go in-depth with the lore here, because I'm probably not a very good source for it anyway. (There's a lot of stuff that people consider really important canon that I entirely discard, on account of it being, as I said earlier, dumb. And again, no one can make me read the books.) but if for some reason you have a burning desire to know more, I would really recommend Sagan Hawkes' Five Nights At Freddy's: A Retrospective series

anyway. uh. tldr

[pezpenser205]

wait thats actually kind of wild i have like. the opposite of that. im great at making people as comfortable as i can when talking to me and can do like. step one of Make A Friend but it just doesnt develop, and in the instance it does i always like people way more than they ever like me. feels like the instinct to talk to people never really hit me, theres an Awareness that everyone else in the world is more connected to each other than i am to anyone. i do suspect this is due to being a #revolutionary secondborn (everyone on earth thinking i was a total cunt as soon as i was old enough to have a personality that wasnt just fawning like my older sibling)

long ass poast warnang!!! tldr at the bottom

i also have that awareness but i think thats just my Curse (autism). i also had the "all my peers fucking hate me at worst and dont gaf about me at best and treat me as subhuman when i try to talk to them but i try to love everyone even though they all keep leaving me" childhood. everything youre talking about all basically used to be me actually.

accutane + developing an obnoxious and conspicuous style + getting broken up with + wearing my hair different + getting simultaneously kinder and more assertive/bitchier to assholes irl + being more "thin passing" because of puberty or whatev basically changed how people see me entirely, and shifted me over to whatever tf im doing now, which i think sucks!!! i was 100% being sarcastic in my tags. dont be like me i think this is a nightmare. i dont think it was worth losing myself over and it still is kinda haunting to think everyone irl who likes me now and compliments me is probably the kind of person who wouldve giggled at little 12yo me who wanted a friend more than anything in the world.

people see me as equal to them often even though i still feel that invisible wall there just like you and dont feel like a "real" person at all bc that stuff still lingers. the uptight cis dudes uncool people dont really like me that much bc im very clearly a tranny, but they dont often look at me like im a thing whos too stupid to understand them when theyre talking about me anymore. they look at me like im annoying and gross and deserving of violence. which to me, is infinitely better.

i still wish awkward and weird little guys were treated as equals by default and i relate to you a lot, because i was also kinda treated like a pet, always cared about other people way more than they cared about me, and couldnt tell that all my "friends" were using me or just didnt like me that much.

i have experienced the isolation you feel and i know you dont deserve it, because no one deserves to be disconnected and/or dehumanized. even though i sucked more within my last relationship, and DID deserve getting broken up with at that point, i dont think me before that "deserved" to experience the things that led me to thinking that was an okay way to act towards people.

you shouldnt have to remake the harmless parts of yourself at all and if anything youre definitely perfect as is, save for maybe needing to learn to value yourself, learn to be okay with taking up space, learn whats okay socially and within relationships, and learn how to communicate properly— all things you cant do if youre isolated! you also probably just havent found the people who really click with you yet, or you have found them but feel too out of place to initiate. being the "opposite" of me is definitely a good thing because im kind of a collage of a person rather than a real human being, so the opposite of that would be a really earnest person who needs a few hundred nudges in the right direction.

i do encourage you to just go crazy with reaching out to people even if you dont think its "right," because youll never know whats "right" if you dont try a bunch of things that are "wrong" first. its not something that can be observed or explained, you MUST get experience. if you start online and work your way up to irl as long as youre nice the worst they can do is think youre weird. you miss every shot you dont take and if youre born with Low Accuracy Disease (being raised isolated, neurodivergent, trans), youre gonna need to fire so many more shots than the average person anyway to land a good one so you might as well invest in a machine gun lol. i believe in you and im 100% sure youre awesome and cool and i think everyone should be nicer to you immediately ^_^ <3

tldr; i relate to you a lot and you deserve love. youre perfect and change nothing about yourself but your strategy for reaching out to others. the right people will find you.

[cultkinkcoven]

he's so mad at me right now.

Wasted a huge portion of the day trying to do damage control on here instead of spending time with him. Stupid.

This is my last tldr. Because if I don't say something it'll just drive me fucking insane. But if I keep going he's going to do something to stop me.

I've had a lot of conversations with a lot of different people. with Lucifer.

I could have blocked them immediately. I probably should have. That's my own flaw. Because in my head I'm always like "but what if they want to understand, but what if I'm preventing a conversation from occurring? What if I'm just denying them space to speak?"

I don't block people often. Something about it bothers me, like an admission that I cannot handle you. I hate preventing conversations, even difficult ones. Especially difficult ones.

But that is again, I think, my flaw. I don't know if it's one I can refuse, or at least in this situation I did not. Nor did I handle this situation perfectly. I'm not about to sit here and say "oh yeah it was definitely real smart of me to continue answering spam messages to my inbox" no, that was probably... really dumb lol.

But in the same vain as I try to do for others, I also try to reserve a little room for myself - to not be perfect. To be frustrated and not portray myself as this infinite guru of goodness. I can act the fool sometimes too.

I would be lying if I came here with an earnest apology and said "actually guys, I think I was wrong, I'm sorry" because... I don't. And had I had the opportunity to do this all again... I don't know if I would have done differently. That's just me being as honest as possible lol.

I acknowledge that I very well could have made this situation far more peaceful, and truly had been the bigger person.

and I think I accept that too. I think I accept that I do not always act in 100% accordance to what is the best and most morally and emotionally correct. I accept that I can get frustrated and respond emotionally, because even though I wasn't exactly phased, I was definitely passionate.

I was going to make a little post saying "I'm sorry if I did anything wrong!" but I'd be bullshitting you guys lol.

If I did wrong?

No I did do wrong. I choose an action that was not beneficial to the entire situation but instead satisfied me. And no, I am not sorry. I can't bring myself to pretend I am. I won't pretend my reaction was inherently right, and I won't pretend I am inherently sorry.

Other people may view me negatively because I didn't respond correctly, I instead resorted to responding in a way that was true. Perhaps childish, idk. I am no less culpable for my actions as anyone else, so I accept that my reputation has been damaged with those people who do recognize my actions as wrong. And I am not pleased about that, but I also do not have any control over that either. That's something I have to accept. If these people do think less of me now, then they at least think less of a version of me that is more true. I suppose I wouldn't want to be liked if you believe I am a person I am not.

Genuinely, I'm just yapping and letting my thoughts spill out right now because that's my therapy.

I was trying to think of a way to conclude this that is serious, but not too serious.

I am not the completely sensible guy who knows all the answers from the beginning, nor should I be your example of how a person should act.

I am just a guy trying to make choices that I can sleep with at night. And as much as I acknowledge that my choices in this situation weren't exactly good, I can accept them, I can sleep at night without regrets, without any conflict about who I am, and who my God is. And I still will enjoy my birthday.

Tldr, ya'll don't have to defend those of my actions that were not good. I am not suddenly immune to being a dick, and even though I was the one being harassed, I definitely didn't diffuse that situation. I explored it because I was interested in it. I responded because I always have to have the last word. And that's not a good thing. But I'm not going to pretend that it isn't me.

I am actually going to log off and just enjoy the rest of my birthday.

I think I'm satisfied with this, I think I can move on now. I apologize if this isn't exactly satisfying to anyone else. But yeah, that's the conclusion I'm leaving with.

Lucifer: It’s your birthday tomorrow and I don’t want you doing any work, I mean it. Thats an order. So if you have work to do, get it done today.

Me: nah, today I was gonna do my hair and maybe paint my nails maybe shave maybe plan a nice outfit or something and I was gonna take a bath maybe too. Idk just a spa day since I probably won’t have the time to spend with you and Aphrodite tomorrow. I’ll get my work done next week no point in rushing it now

Lucifer:

A spa day!!!! Would you light my candle so I can join you?

Me: lol yeah obviously that was the plan

Lucifer: