#to hell with that stupid pmdd

[kachulein]

I'm proud of myself for being able to make it all the way home and wait until I was in my room to start sobbing🤧

[lavampira]

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[canwehavehextonite]

my library card isnt working on libby bc i cant afford my library fees i fucking hate it here

[alsaurus-loves-dean]

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[tofu-bento-box]

having comorbidities that contradict/contraindicate each other is so stupid man.

you have PMDD. every time you get your period you spend the week before on the edge of a major depressive episode and lose all hope for the future. unfortunately for you, you also have PCOS, which makes Hell Week entirely unpredictable.

so you try to stabilize and predict Hell Week via birth control. but wait! you have migraines with aura! all hormonal birth control is now contraindicated for you, because it increases your risk of death.

ah, well, fuck. okay, well, you have pcos and your hormones are out of wack, let’s get those back on track. but guess what! that’s hormonal birth control again! so your testosterone stays high, and you have chronic acne now.

well, okay, let’s leave the hormones alone. let’s just deal with the acne. however the high-strength acne prescriptions cause such bad birth defects that you are almost legally required to be on some form of birth control. can you see where i’m going with this?

okay, so birth control would “solve” all your problems at the risk of maybe making one thing worse. let’s chance it. oops! you’re now horrifically depressed for a third of every month—and not just that, but your migraines did get worse, and now you’re barely functional.

fuck fuck fuck, get off that. stop taking that. go get an MRI just in case. well, i hope you enjoy migraines, because for some reason that birth control experiment did lasting damage. but don’t worry, your MRI is completely clean!

just. comorbidities, man.

[tundrakatiebean]

I’m trying to get back into my regular routine after surgery but my brain has decided that intense depression from having had to be in bed for a week and a half is the right answer which is Not Helping. I’m thinking maybe the surgery extended my usual PMDD week and that’s why I’m so bad rn but hell if I know what’s going on in there. I just know I’ve been crying over stupid shit everyday for the past week and that my brain is saying “you feel isolated so you should isolate because then it’s your choice and it doesn’t hurt so bad.” And I’m just in the middle of a swirling brain demon torrent screaming at all the ghosts.

[hylianengineer]

I am realizing, after the fiasco that was my rheumatology appointment, that I have way worse medical trauma than I realized. Like, this shit is taking over my life.

I don't know how to even begin to deal with it, though, because the usual advice for trauma is 'just go to therapy! :)' and I have specific therapy-related trauma. It's a mess. I'm also intimately aware that contrary to popular belief, therapy does not fix everything, or work for everyone.

Especially not CBT which is the kind almost every therapist does. I need, I dunno, DBT or something else different. CBT already stopped working for me.

Honestly what I really need is a doctor who will listen to me and prove my stupid traumatized fears wrong about how no one in healthcare ever listens to me or cares about me or tries to help, but I can't really ask for that because dealing with my traumatized disaster of a self is not in their job description. I've been really tempted to look for a trauma-informed PCP but unforutnately I desperately need someone who can handle my chronic pain and I think if I tried to work with someone else it'd just get worse. My current PCP isn't even good about it, just the best I'm likely to get. My mom recommended him because she's spent years trying to find anyone she could work with about her pain and everyone else was worse.

I need to talk to my psychiatrist I think. She might have ideas about if therapy would help or what type or other things I could try. I'm also a bit uncertain that I'm allowed to call her office and go 'I need to move up my next appointment no I don't need you to change my meds I need to talk about this problem with the only person I trust who has relevant expertise.' She's not my therapist. That's not her job. But... I think she'd help anyway. Helping me find a therapist is at least sort of maybe related to her job description?

I think that's part of my trauma, honestly. This thing where I can't ask people for things and then I don't get what I need because I don't ask.

I look back at that rheumatology appointment and the days afterward and I can see how triggered I was, how it warped my interpretation of the situation into assuming the worst of everyone involved. It was probably mostly miscommunication rather than actual hostility, in hindsight. I'm also quite certain I was experiencing PMDD symptoms at the time which did NOT help, but it's not like this is the first time I've been triggered like this. The worst, yes, but not the first.

It's also really hard though to know what the right amount of grace I should give people about this stuff because I have a long history of behaving like a doormat. How do I not behave like a doormat and also not assume the worst of everyone? I don't know.

How much does it matter if no one meant to hurt me, when they very much did and continue to do so? When it happens nearly every medical appointment I ever have, and nothing I can do seems to make it better. How the hell do I deal with that?

[mintsky420]

80% of the time I have no emotions tied to being AFAB or gender dysphoria because I already look very androgynous (and have the tiniest bit of a stash 😌 very happy I managed that without the use of testosterone BTW would love to try that someday but not rn cause ah uh yk current event stuff </3)

About to go into a tiny vent btw probably might delete this later when this is over with cause I know I probably won't like having this up at all later

Until it's the week before my period, and then i hate it so much. If I didn't have a uterus I would be fine, but this stupid thing puts me into either a depressive (sometimes to a debilitating point) mood for an entire week (maybe less, maybe more, it depends but it varies) , or I'm angry the entire time with no way to ever truly be fine.

And I really don't want to get into the specifics on what goes on in my head during these weeks. (Bit too much information that I'd rather talk to with family or a therapist alright.) But it's bad enough that there's no way in hell this is regular PMS symptoms. And I'm like, really tired. I've noticed something was off for a while, and that I'd randomly have a certain week in the month where I just didn't feel like myself. Looked up stuff, found out PMDD, and for the past year I've been tracking which week this happens. And yup, without fail, every time before my period the week happens.

And I just like, rlly wish I didn't have a uterus. I don't even want to get pregnant or have kids, and if this happens to my mental health just because of a period can you imagine how bad it would be if I was pregnant. Like hell no, I don't need this thing at all. Thank you </3

[specialgradefckr]

Smth I love about A/B/O is the world building/speculative biology you can do with it.

But I also kinda hate it, because not many people actually do anything with the opportunity. (Hate is probably a strong word, disappointment is probably more accurate)

Cause you’ve got a reproductive biological change, and while humans are capable of a bunch of stuff, we are still animals, and basically every animal has courting/mating rituals and when we study animals we consider this behavior specific and it’s own category.

That’s not even getting into how people already act about menses, fertility, and virility.

And I know it’s not the point, the point is we took the phrasing and observed social structure from a bad study on wolf behavior and made it SUPER HORNY.

But sex/reproduction is such a huge part of how society is structured that I can’t just throw the a/b/o filter on and go about my day. I gotta think about the consequences!!!

If ruts/heats are so physically demanding they wouldn’t be monthly occurrences, how periods effect the body is already a comparatively HUGE energy sink to other animals, so I usually like the 3 month cycle or even yearly. And what is a person supposed to do? Hole up in their home and ride it out? Are there places where you can spend your cycle, like a board certified brothel? Imagine the cheap romance sub-genre of falling for that one nurse at the cycle clinic, what about clients that get weirdly attached, people already get weirdly obsessed with sex workers. (That’s not getting into the sort of disruption to daily life being out for a week fucking every month would be) I’ve seen some that treat heats and ruts more like “ovulation horny” and in those I’m more okay with the monthly thing. Cause it’s not debilitating. Distracting? Yes, but you can still go out and about your daily life, just a bit more randy.

Biting/bond marks. Is there an actual biological purpose? Or is it some kind of tradition? I’ve seen both. And the ones where there’s an actual biological need for it, in my head, I ended up finagling a sort of “venom” system that requires a secondary set of teeth, this also means bite guards are a thing. (Nothing really sets the mood like a grind guard induced lisp) it’s not permanent because to me that’s stupid, and it would be a foreign substance entering your body, meaning your body would eventually filter it out.

And in ALL my years perusing the internet, I have only ever seen ONE fic add outlier medical issues. It was basically pre menstrual dysphoric disorder, he was on a stringent birth control schedule because it had in the past turned into violent psychosis. I don’t remember exactly what happens, but I do remember his roommate calling his older brother in a panic, and his brother putting him on a psych hold. And the brother telling the roommate that if he (roommate) pursued his younger brother romantically that any expectations for a “traditional” life better be thrown out the window real quick, because there was no way in hell his brother was going off of birth control. (I think there was a bit where the roommate asked why he didn’t have a hysterectomy? Not sure)

Then when I got diagnosed with PMDD I Understood™️. I legit had a moment at my gyno’s office where that fic flashed to the forefront of my mind. the symptoms I’d been experiencing weren’t extreme in that way, but I did need 20hrs of sleep for bare minimum basic function, and craved salt so bad I knocked back those little fast food salt packets like pixistixs.

CORRECTION TWO fics (I’m typing all this on my phone I’m sorry) the other one had a character exhibit both alpha and omega reproductive traits and while it did start as just something horny, later installments did try to tackle the topic of intersex expressions in the world where sex was such an obvious and major factor in daily life.

Also is the a/b/o a “new” mutation, (new being relative) and/or is it rare? Are Beta’s another expression of the same genes or a complete lack of them? or is it both with the same name being given because the expressions are considered the same?

(Also smth interesting I once saw, was a tweet that talked about how a/b/o fics written by Americans tended to have medical insurance be an issue, not covering birth control/suppressants, but if the writer was from somewhere with nationalized healthcare it wasn’t such a thing)

Sorry this is so long, anytime speculative biology comes up I’m on that like white on rice.

See, you get it!!! So many people treat the realism as an obstacle to the sexy times goal of the omegaverse, but imo it you use it right it really enhances the experience.

Like what ruts and heats mean for people in public, it is rude to go out? How heavy is the influence on others? And we know society loves to blame people for ~being too desirable~ if they get assaulted. And sure, you could think of it as omegas being assaulted - but what about alphas who get assaulted by other alphas in rut? What are the stereotypes and social prejudices surrounding that?

What's normally done during heat/rut generally depends on the horny level of the fic and what it requires sflkhsdg. It has a lot of potential to be a fascinating spectrum - more puritanical cultures expect you to tough it out at home, and other cultures have brothels purpose built for this sort of thing.

It's a shame that people don't explore the nuances more! Honestly I'm not contributing much to the genre either shfglkhfdg but I do love my omega/omega reader/gojo ship and I hope to have fun when I finish writing it! Ironically I will have written more alpha/alpha than omega/omega by the time the Heatwave series is done, lol.

PMDD absolutely sounds like a killer. I've actually really liked the idea of writing male omegas as, effectively, hermaphrodites, and I remember the omega!gojo fic includes some dysphoria from gojo about suddenly having a womb, which the reader, as a woman, empathizes with... it's definitely something I think could use more exploring, but I do think people are afraid of dipping into it bc they worry they'll be accused of like, misrepresenting trans-ness or whatever.

As for specific ideas,,, honestly I'm definitely in the "omegaverse worldbuilding is whatever suits the plot" territory, myself kshlhfsdg. When I write omegaverse though it's generally an AU and something that's always been that way, not some new mutution.

And I do also have a relatively consistent set of takes on biting/mating bonds! They're definitely not the romanticized "for life on person only ever" version that's normally peddled in omegaverse fics, but I have my own pet concepts for it that I feel kinda fit in a realistic sense.

Basically biting and mating bonds are real but it's because 1. saliva contains special hormones (maybe only when in rut/heat) 2. you have to bite a person's scent glands. And this triggers a reaction that creates a dependency/acclimation of a person to the scent of the person who laid the bite. Sort of like an immunization thing, where you're dosing a person's scent glands with your own concentrated scent, so they recognize it as their own?

I'm not big into the details skhfglshdg. But it's a biological reaction, based on hormones and pheromones etc., and as such it's possible for it to wear off, or be overwritten. That can be very difficult, depending on the circumstances, or maybe even so easy that a couple has to work to keep a bite/bond in place.

It also leaves some stuff open like. Is it possible to have multiple mates? Maybe. Is it possible for an omega to bite an alpha? Maybe. Are bites usually mutual? Maybe! What about betas? What about them! Could be anything!

In any case, it's really fun that people still remember,,, my omegaverse roots skhgflshdfg, I hope you enjoy my work! I keep remembering, I still have pieces from the series to get back to... one day!!!

[maidofmetal]

it's astounding to me how dedicated my sister is to being the world's biggest fucking cunt. she has always been incredibly sanist n when I became physically disabled she became very abelist towards me too. she is always incredibly invalidating n I think she genuinely thinks I'm stupid because I don't have a college degree(i had to drop out cuz i kept trying to kill myself 🙄). she won't listen to me about ANYTHING. she literally called a political movement from the 70s (anti psych) CLOSED MINDED and she had the AUDACITY to tell me the dsm is a 'doctors bible' when I was trying to complain about my doctor not believing I pmdd during ovulation cuz it's not in the dsm 🙄 I am also very easily gaslight-able because I'm dissociated to hell and cant remember anything. n she very much takes advantage of that 🫠 she never ever respects my boundaries even after literally BEGGING her not to do something. she's constantly telling me I should go to therapy even tho i have quite literally been in therapy since I was 3 and am still currently in therapy AND was in therapy during my suicide attempts. bitch don't u think therapy would give helped me by now jfc. also she refuses to go to therapy so ?????

I blocked her last week. it was supposed to only be temporary but I think for the sake of my mental health I cannot talk to her anymore. I legit get distressed whenever we talk. she's just incredibly BAD for my mental health and I cannot afford to be triggered by her just cuz we have a relationship.

fuck her man. FUCK HER.

[2clementines]

The last couple of weeks have been HELL!!!

Got COVID at the same time as my luteal phase (I have PMDD so luteal is extra horrible and makes me suic*dal enough as it is)

Wasted my break from school trying to rest and get better. Got zero marking done.

Learned a LOT about Long COVID because my health anxiety got super activated and convinced myself I’m going to have it and never be able to workout or live a normal life again.

Finally got over COVID. The day I tested negative…. My period started.

Day one of my period I experienced the worst cramps of my entire life. Literally the worst physical pain I have ever experienced. I tried taking a hot bath to help and almost fainted getting out of the tub. Took some gummies and had to lay in bed (still wet from the bath) waiting for them to take effect.

Bled the most I have ever bled in my life. I’ve never gone through that many products or ruined that many pairs of undies before (and that’s WITH a Diva cup - it just overflows because they don’t fit me properly).

Now finally in day four the cramps have eased up but now I have a horrible migraine. I keep almost throwing up from the nausea. So I’m lying in bed with all the shades drawn curled up with my heating pad and my stupid frozen migraine cap on my head with my phone brightness turned down to the lowest level just hoping this goes away soon.

Surprisingly after my (very mild) COVID symptoms passed my mood really improved but omg I just want to stop being in discomfort!!!! Please :(

[tinyfrog-jpg]

im so tired

im so tired of my body betraying me

of bleeding for several months straight

for no fucking reason

it hurts

i dont want this

i barely even want this part of me

everything hurts

how am i expected to get up and exist everyday when im constantly bleeding and in pain

where the hell is my body even getting this blood from?!?!?!?!

some days i bleed so much it gets onto my blankets,,

my back hurts

my legs hurt

my hips hurt

and my feet hurt from carrying all this hurt

my eyes hurt from crying about it

but crying isnt helping anymore

no matter how many tears i shed its not fixing the fact that my doctors arent listening to me

im scared

why is my body doing this

i just want to exist

happily

this stupid body makes hard to want that,,

i have a disorder that makes my periods worse too

pmdd

but because the world doesnt give a shit about afabs we dont know *why*

and they dont care enough about *me* to take me seriously

im tired

i think im gonna head to bed

maybe i wont wake up in my own blood, sweat, and tears tomorrow

[kingproteus]

What’s PMDD then?

Informational post by a post-hysto trans guy :) (btw terfs fuck off and burn in hell)

For me, PMDD was a circular pattern of my mood randomly going to shit, and pulling my life in after it. I’d then, for reasons unclear to me pre-diagnosis, have a few days (normally three or four) where I felt really good. I hadn’t noticed this circle followed my cycle for most of my early to late teens, because why would it? I’d never been told about PMDD, and all the uterus-havers in my family had the same issues I did.

I went through doctors, was cleared for bpd, borderline, asd, adhd, ibs, high blood pressure, and finally was settled into the “depression” and “anxiety without social anxiety” camps. Yay.

Of course, when I put the pieces together at 16 or so, it became clear to me that PMDD was the reason for this. The monthly times at which my life got shittier and shittier were placed before my period started, and evened out when I got my period, and went away a few days before my period ended. Then I had a few days of feeling good, a few days of feeling just okay, and then it was back to hell.

The first doctor I went to about my PMDD diagnosis immediately diagnosed me. She said it was obvious I had it. It was crazy, I had expected a fight over it.

This, of course, made getting on antidepressants a stupid hard task. I’d go on something and think it was working, but jokes on me that was just my PMDD letting up. Or I’d switch meds in a panic only to realize my extreme depression was my PMDD fucking me over.

In the end, I just got a laparoscopic hysterectomy with ovarian removal. I’m about two weeks post-op now, and I feel better than normal. I’m back to jogging and doing all my normal stuff. 10/10 surgery.

So… why the fuck does PMDD do this?

I’m obviously not an expert, just a sufferer, but the basic reason is my body freaks out when my hormones fluctuate. My body couldn’t figure out that my sex organs were doing a natural cyclical job, one they did every month. So my body went on high alert. People can have a mix of physical and emotional symptoms. Extreme depression, difficulty concentrating and remembering stuff, anxiety, insane back pain, some people even have worse vision.

When I got on T at 15, my symptoms were lessened by 50%. It HALVED my symptoms. It was a godsend. Seriously, I can’t stress what a good decision it was for me.

As it’s only been a few weeks for me, I can’t speak to how hysterectomy has effected me. I’ll definitely write some follow up posts about it all once I’ve gathered my thoughts.

The reason I post all this is because I’ve spent my whole fucking life, well, since I was 9 and got my first period, feeling like the only fucking trans guy with PMDD in the whole world. This shit was confusing, all the experts didn’t know what to do with me and my T levels, and I wasn’t welcome or comfortable in any PMDD-specific space.

It felt like shit, and I was lonely, and I literally only realized I had it 3 years ago.

Being a trans guy can already be an insanely lonely experience, but being a trans guy with a VERY uterus-specific problem even more so. But I’m done being embarrassed about it, or assuming people will use it to discredit my identity.

I’m just posting this because I want my account of it SOMEWHERE. Just to say that being a trans dude with PMDD is survivable, and normal, and fine. I’ve a good life and a great boyfriend and a kickass family. If my nine year old self could see me now he’d be amazed.

But yeah, shit gets better and PMDD can go fuck itself right beside my ovaries in the medical waste dumpster at the hospital.

[bitchywaldof]

I hate how much hormones shape my life.

Right now I’m experiencing what many PMDD suffers call ‘hell week’. For me what I experience for the 5 days I ovulate is such intense waves of agitation, mania, depression and anxiety. One moment I feel invincible but the next I am at the bottom of a never ending pit of doom where I feel like the world is ending and I’m the only one who knows.

What I hate the most about these 5 days is that my creativity is splat, my usually crux that I rely on to get me out of episodes doesn’t work cause my brain struggles to find the words to work emails or think of what to cook for dinner makes me feel stupid.

The increase in my medication has been helping in that I don’t want to ship myself off to an island and self isolate but I’m still struggling.

[nihilisme]

y’all know what time it is. i can’t sleep so i’m gonna write

I talk about some pretty heavy shit later on - so don’t read if you get triggered by sexual assault/rape/abuse etc.

It’s nearing my period and every time it’s close to my period, my PMDD symptoms flare up. For those who don’t know, it’s PMS pumped to the max. You have extremely horrible thoughts, yes, at times, suicidal - you feel incredibly hopeless, and it’s basically just this guaranteed time slot every month of where you will feel like utter, utter shit. Without fail.

Funny enough I’ve never noticed that the horrible feelings are a recurring cycle until I met my current boyfriend. And to my horror, I realized my mom had been dealing with this for years. She’d have horrible fits of rage during this time, and I honestly feel so bad that her husband didn’t care enough, and was too stupid, to get her proper help. Yeah she’s fucking difficult. But if you enable abusive behavior you’re as bad as the abuser.

Never mind my mom at this point. But the PMDD symptoms are incredibly lessened when I am on birth control. I suspect if I were on other medications it would lessen the symptoms more, but birth control fucks with me enough already that I don’t feel comfortable taking other meds.

And yet I still cried so hard yesterday knowing that one of my friends is hanging out with somebody I had a relationship fallout with. It’s like - you can’t make everyone like you, I know that. And I am in pretty healthy relationships with other people. AND on top of that - I know that I’ve been relentlessly working on improving myself, really fighting very hard to not let my bad thoughts control my life.

I’ve been living in this constant limbo of working on myself, applying healthy coping skills, and improving throughout the month - and then hitting that period of PMDD and feeling like all I worked was for nothing. Like, it does get better on the long run - but the dips can be as debilitating as they are discouraging. It is... harrowing to describe how suicidal I can get during PMDD. And the worst part is, for many years, the feelings just made sense. And even yesterday, and now, the feelings make sense because I do have low self esteem still, something I work really hard on fixing every day.

Being a woman is hell, honestly. I’ve been constantly hounded and accosted for sex since I was 14. Part of it because my abusive relationship with my parents led me into chasing boyfriends at an early age - to replace my dysfunctional relationship with what I hoped would more stable - WITHOUT EVEN REALIZING I WAS DOING IT. Because I was a child. Just wanting stable, reliable affection lol.

I was raped when I was 18. When I confessed what happened to my parents, my dad told me I was asking for it because of what I was wearing. Because I was in his room - even though at that point, we’d been going out for 8 months. And I drew my boundaries clearly. I didn’t want to have sex. I gave him everything else. I basically let him use my body the way he wanted - because I thought if I let a man use my body, my emotional needs wouldn’t be too much. I thought it was a fair exchange, because at that point I hadn’t realized that being in a relationship wasn’t a fucking business deal. Because that’s all I’d been taught.

Even before that relationship all a guy wanted from me in the end was sex. And they were teenage boys - sure. It’s mostly hormones at that point. But I remember my second boyfriend spreading rumors in high school that I was a prude because I refused to have sex with him lol.

In college, I had a grad TA I worked under who would make me do all his work because I was a woman. This isn’t conjecture - he literally said it was a woman’s work to do the “admin” work. AKA - GRADING ENGINEERING PAPERS. WITH PHYSICS, CALCULUS, AND OTHER ENGINEERING SUBJECTS (this was an intro engineering class, it had all the flavors of engineering subjects thrown in). You’re really gonna sit here and tell me the subject of physics is just administrative work to grade. Ok pal. What the fuck ever.

I met another professor in college, when I was doing my final engineering project - it was a data science project, and at that point it was early on before Data Science was a big buzzword. So being seniors in college who were engineering students but not exactly comp sci students (hard to explain) we decided to go to an expert to help get us started. I went with a white guy with whom I was pretty friendly, acquainted with at the time. And then when we met this professor - he basically ripped me a new asshole because I wasn’t “prepared”. And he only yelled at me, and not the guy I was with. “Why are you even asking me such basic questions? Why are you not prepared?” But literally only directing those questions at me, the brown girl in the room. NONE of the hostility at the white guy.

I have other stories. Especially at my last work place - but there’s just a myriad of it and I kind of want to get back to the meat of my story again.

Realizing I have PMDD has just been the icing on the cake on the experience of being a woman tbh. On top of the emotional abuse I experienced my entire life, sexual abuse I faced when I was 18, the struggle of getting through an engineering degree, knowing that every month my struggles basically reset is kind of... wow. It’s almost too much honestly. Idk how I’ve been holding on all this time.

And maybe this is the time I should toot my horn, for the sake of my sanity. I’ve had some pretty cool jobs since I graduated college. Like, the type of jobs that make people IRL go, Wow, when I talk about it. The prestige that comes with it, I won’t lie, is like a straight shot of crack to the brain. I’ve never done crack so I’m sure that was 100% completely scientifically accurate.

But truly, I do wonder how the fuck I’ve made it through all of this. I’ve made it through all of it and I’ve thrived. And on top of it all - I am so thankful for my loving boyfriend who consistently shows me love. I love him so much. It’s easy to take things for granted now, when I feel more stable. Because when I don’t I feel like it’s literally magma trying to escape my pores. The anger, the horrible feelings, are crazy. Are too much.

I need to write about this shit to remind myself what I’ve gone through and what I’ve overcome. And I’ll keep accomplishing things, even when there are times when I don’t feel that way at all. When I feel like things are crumbling around me and it feels like nothing will heal, and nothing will get fixed.

They will if I just ride the feelings out, and know that it is my PMDD. As shitty and horrible as I feel, I know it’s the PMDD. And when I finally bleed, the feeling will pass. And then the cramps will begin lol.

[absolutelynoct]

It’s been a month since my dad passed so right now I’m currently wrapped up in an intense amount of grief with my PMDD on top of it. I had a weird dream about him last night too that basically made everything come back to me, and I have Don McLean’s American Pie stuck in my head. My heart hurts so much today and I really don’t know how I’m going to get through work. I put on the bare minimum amount of makeup that is acceptable (for me) to go to work today cause I know that I’m going to be crying all day.

My dad’s birthday is next week too, and I made sure I had the day off because if this is any indication, I’m going to need it. 

On a related note: I think it’s stupid how people portray suddenly losing a parent in those action movies, games, etc... Like “oh your mom/dad just died in an explosion.” Guess what, Noctis? You’re gonna be crying all day and then off and on until you figure out how to handle the pain. You’re not just gonna go “welp looks like I have a duty to fulfill.” And flat out we as a society need to normalize that pain and grief a lot better, especially in Western society where we’re given a week (max) from our employers to take care of “business” then get back to it. Grief doesn’t stop for anyone, but it sure as hell knows how to stop us in our tracks.