#tommy: 5 years ago

[after-nine-at-the-oasis]

hold up why did Tommy say he transferred 5 years ago when Buck's been here for 7

[knivestothroats]

In The Woods Somewhere + Professional//Victim Crossover AU

@victimeyez and I like to play with our OCs together like dolls. We came up with a number of ways Tommy ends up with Fletcher but this is a "my mom sold me to one direction" type AU where Fletcher buys Tommy to basically replace Buck.

CW: long term captivity/human trafficking, withholding food (in past), physical violence, burning, dubious consent sort of, guns in places they shouldn't be

read In The Woods Somewhere here || read Professional//Victim here

Scene 1

Tommy hadn’t experienced a thunderstorm in years.

It rained sometimes when he was on his way to a client, but having lived in a basement for the last five years, he had forgotten their intensity. How loud the incessant, arrhythmic rainfall echoed down from the roof. How lightning could suddenly illuminate the whole room in a flash. How he could feel the house shake with the roar of thunder. Or maybe it was just him shaking. He felt like a dog on the fourth of July. 

It was stupid, after everything he’d been through, to be afraid of the weather.

A bright flash through the window again, followed shortly by a crack of thunder that he could feel in his chest. They were getting closer together. 

There’s no way Tommy could sleep. He was sitting up in his bed in his new home, knees to his chest with his arms wrapped around. 

As much as he loathed Caius, he did provide comfort at times. It was twisted, but it was something. Fletcher… he wasn’t sure about. They had been more reserved so far, treating him with a sort of casual amiability. But Tommy was well aware how Fletcher reveled in inflicting pain. He just hadn’t figured out yet when and why they shed the wool to become the wolf.

Another flash. Tommy tried to brace himself, but he still jumped at the thunder.

Tommy swung his legs off the bed. He stared at the door for a second before going through into the hallway. It was still strange to not be locked in.

He walked gently down the dark hallway. He knew where Fletcher’s room was - they had pointed it out on his first day with a strict do not enter.

Tommy stood outside Fletcher’s bedroom door. He rubbed his hands over his arms. 

This was ridiculous. Going to Fletcher for comfort? Like a child waking up their parents after having a bad dream? During a thunderstorm of all things. He should just go back to - 

Flash. Crack.

Tommy knocked on Fletcher’s door. He tried to listen for movement over the sound of the rain. They probably hadn’t even heard him over the din. Maybe he should knock again, or maybe he should go back - 

Fletcher opened the door, wearing just a t-shirt, gym shorts, and bed head. They squinted at him in the dark.

“What?”

“I’m sorry,” was the first thing out of Tommy’s mouth. “I, um. I can’t sleep and, um…”

Fletcher was silhouetted as their room lit up. The thunder followed so quickly behind, rumbling through the house, that Tommy didn’t have time to count. 

Fletcher saw Tommy flinch hard, drawing his shoulders up by his ears.

“You’re scared of thunder?”

Tommy felt his face redden, in spite of himself. He should be incapable of embarrassment at this point, after all the humiliation he was put through, but he just felt childish.

“Alright, come in,” Fletcher said with a yawn, moving aside to make way. “Don’t try to kill me in my sleep.”

“Really?” Tommy asked, perking up. He took a hesitant step into the room. “Can I, um, do you mind if I share the bed?”

“Yeah I assumed that was what you were asking,” Fletcher grumbled, shutting the door behind him.

Fletcher took their side first, and Tommy took the other. He laid stiff in the bed, making sure they had a gap between them. Tommy had wondered if sharing the bed would come with a cost, putting himself in a vulnerable position within Fletcher’s grasp. But Fletcher had turned their back to him, sleeping on their side.

He was still on edge. Was sleeping beside Fletcher really better than being alone?

There was a flicker of lightning, followed by a grumble of thunder. Not as loud this time, but enough to make Tommy nervous. 

Tommy turned on his side as well and carefully scooted over until his back was brushing against Fletcher’s. He held his breath, but they didn’t react. 

Tommy could feel their warmth seep into him. He let out a slow breath. It was definitely better than being alone.

~

Fletcher had managed to tune out the storm into white noise, but they were a light sleeper, forever on edge. They opened their eyes in the darkness, listening to Tommy murmur and shift in his sleep.

Fletcher rolled over and draped their arm over Tommy’s middle.

“Shhh,” they hushed gently.

Tommy’s shirt had ridden up, and he whimpered when Fletcher made contact with his skin.

Fletcher tensed up at the noise. Tommy was definitely asleep, but that whimper was perfect. They wondered if he practiced it for his clients. It was difficult to resist the urge to wrap their arm tight around him and squeeze, trying to elicit the sound again. 

Fletcher moved their hand over Tommy’s bare torso. They could feel his ribs too distinctly beneath his skin. Caius and the others probably had him skipping meals. Whether to keep up his waifish victim aesthetic, to keep him weak, to punish him, or just from neglect.  Fletcher figured he would put on weight quickly here. He was going to need to, if he was going to keep up with the work Fletcher had for him to do around the lodge. 

~

“Get up.”

Tommy gasped awake as a hand jostled him from his sleep. He looked around quickly, getting his bearings, and saw Fletcher leaning over him.

“I’m getting up, you can’t stay in my room alone,” Fletcher said.

“Oh,” Tommy rubbed his eyes. “Right. Okay. Thank you… for letting me sleep here.”

“Uh huh,” Fletcher said. “I’m making breakfast.”

“Do you want me to help?”

“Mm, I’ll let you know.”

“Okay… do you want me to make your bed?” Tommy offered, trying to show his gratitude.

“No,” Fletcher said flatly. They gestured to the door. 

“Right, sorry.” Tommy hurried out of the room. “Um, would it be alright if I took a shower? Or do you want me to wait?”

“All yours, bud,” Fletcher said, closing the door shut behind them. “Just don’t take too long. You want to get the breakfast while it’s hot.”

~

Tommy turned the water up as hot as he could stand. It staved off the chill that seemed to linger in the lodge. He allowed himself a few moments to just stand under the stream after he had washed, but Fletcher had told him not to take long, and he didn’t want to push it.

Tommy dried and dressed quickly, scrunching his hair with the shirt he had slept in and finger-combing it out of his face. He made his way to the kitchen, which was already calling his name with rich, savory smells.

Fletcher was standing at the stove, stirring one pan with a spatula while another sizzled away next to them. 

“What smells so good?” Tommy asked, trying to peer into the pans.

“Onions and bacon, mostly,” Fletcher said.

“Do you need any help?” Tommy offered.

There was a pop, pop as a pair of bagels sprung up from a two-sided toaster.

“Yeah, grab those bagels for me and add butter and cream cheese. There’s plates in that cabinet, silverware in that drawer.”

Tommy moved swiftly to do as he was told. 

When he had plated them, Fletcher carried over the first pan.

“Okay, get out of my way.” 

It was said lightheartedly, but Tommy still leapt back.

“Just take a seat,” Fletcher nodded to the kitchen table. “It’s ready.”

Tommy sat down and watched as Fletcher assembled the plates, but their body was blocking his view. It wasn’t until they set his breakfast down in front of him that he was able to take it in. 

Scrambled eggs with multicolor peppers, strips of bacon, a sausage, and the bagel he had prepared.

He couldn’t believe how much his mouth was watering.

“It’s veggie sausage,” Fletcher said. “I only had a couple left. Oh - you want coffee?”

Tommy looked up at them wide eyed. Fletcher had told him on the first day that he could help himself to food in the kitchen, but he had been too afraid to touch their coffee maker. Even when there was a pot already made, he had been too anxious that he wasn’t supposed to take any.

“Yes, please.”

“How do you take it?” Fletcher asked, getting a mug from the shelf. It was designed to look like a can of Campbell’s tomato soup. 

“A lot of sugar and cream,” Tommy said. “Please. If you don’t mind.”

Fletcher heaped two spoonfuls of sugar into the mug and then looked in the fridge. 

“Mm, I just have oat milk right now.”

“Okay, that’s fine, thank you,” Tommy said, even though he had never tried it before.

Fletcher splashed some into the mug before pouring the steaming coffee on top. They gave it a stir and set it down in front of Tommy.

Tommy hadn’t touched his food. He stared at the spread before him, not quite believing it was really for him.

Fletcher settled down across the table with their matching meal and began to eat.

“I don’t know where to start,” Tommy said in a small voice.

“Eggs,” Fletcher provided.

Tommy scooped up a forkful of the scrambled eggs and took his first bite. 

It wasn’t just peppers, there were onions and cheese mixed in as well. The texture was perfect - they weren't dry or runny. 

“Wow,” Tommy said. He followed it with a long sip of coffee. It wasn’t as sweetened as he would have made it for himself once upon a time, but it was hot and rich and maybe the best cup he’d ever had.

He might actually start crying. 

“The secret is cream cheese,” Fletcher said, gesturing to his eggs with their fork. “And to scramble it in the pan. How’s the coffee?”

“So good,” Tommy said. “Thank you.”

“Mhm.” Fletcher started to pile their eggs and bacon onto the bagel. “How often were you being fed before?”

“Um, twice a day, usually,” Tommy said. “Sometimes… less.”

Fletcher nodded. “Figured. You need to start increasing your caloric intake. I need you to do work around here and I don’t want you passing out after an hour in the garden.”

Tommy took a bite of the bagel. The layer of butter under the cream cheese felt so indulgent. 

“If it means I get to eat like this every day, I am more than happy to oblige,” Tommy said.

“Well, I’m not cooking every meal for you,” Fletcher said. “But I want you to eat.”

I want you to eat.

Even if it was to work him like a dog, it was so much better than being worked like a dog on an empty stomach. Despite Fletcher’s generally cold aloofness and passing threats, despite having been the victim of their bloodlust in the past, Tommy felt oddly cared for.

He took another bite of the eggs and hoped he could get Fletcher to teach him how to cook like this.

Scene 2

Fletcher had their sleeves rolled tightly up above their elbows. On their hands they wore black disposable gloves. Tommy watched as those hands deftly sectioned the chickens into pieces, their well-sharpened knife effortlessly cutting through the flesh. 

Tommy had to let his eyes drift away. He watched Fletcher’s arms instead. They tended to hide their form under layers, but every time they rolled up their sleeves, it revealed their muscle tone. Tommy wondered why they didn’t show it off - most people would. He noticed as well, as he watched, that Fletcher had some lighter lines on their skin - old scars haphazardly slashed into their arms. He imagined them getting into knife fights. He imagined them holding someone down by the throat with both hands, arms tensed, as their victim clawed at their skin to no avail.

Fletcher moved the chicken pieces into a bowl of marinade. Spice bottles were cluttering the counter around it. 

Fletcher covered the bowl and set it aside. They cleaned up, discarding their gloves and disinfecting their work space. 

Tommy had been tasked with washing the potatoes he and Fletcher had harvested from the garden. Fletcher had asked him to take his time, making sure each one was free of dirt in the divots, as they wouldn’t be peeling them. He was worried, when Fletcher turned to him, that they would be angry he hadn’t gotten through the whole crop, but they merely began to take from the clean pile and start cutting them into chunks. 

“When you’re done with that can you go through the green beans and just make sure to snap all the stems off?” Fletcher asked.

Tommy nodded. “Sure.”

They had picked the beans together as well. It felt nice to be doing something actually productive for a change. 

When they were done, Fletcher dumped the potatoes into a big pot of water but didn’t light the stove. They sighed, looking at the clock and chewed their lip a moment.

“I should’ve started this earlier. I’m already starting to get hungry,” Fletcher said. “I just want everything to be done at the same time.”

Fletcher shook their head like they were hoping the thoughts would fall into place. They took a baking sheet and returned to the chicken, laying the pieces out.

“I’m done,” Tommy said from his spot at the table with his bowl of beans. He swept the stem pieces into his hand and got up to dump them in the trash.

“Ah-ah!” Fletcher waved their hand at him, causing Tommy to stop abruptly. “Compost.”

“Right, sorry.” Tommy ducked his head.

“Just give the beans a rinse and then you’re done for now,” Fletcher said. “I’ll call you back when it’s ready.”

It was a while later when Fletcher called Tommy back into the kitchen. He was sitting out on the back deck, just feeling the sun on his skin and listening to the birds, when Fletcher opened the door and leaned out.

“I need your help,” they said.

Tommy jumped up and followed them in.

“I forgot to make fucking gravy,” Fletcher growled. “I just need you to mash the potatoes for me while I whip this up. And just shake the pan with the green beans occasionally to move them around.”

The kitchen was hot now, and Tommy quickly shrugged off his sweatshirt before taking over the potatoes. Fletcher was mixing ingredients when there was a thud above them, followed by an indiscernible shout, followed by, “Fletcherrrrr!”

“Jesus Christ,” Fletcher rolled their eyes. “Okay in like two minutes you need to take the chicken out of the oven and check it. 165. Don’t forget to shake the pan.” They rattled off instructions as they marched out of the kitchen. 

Tommy kept an eye on the clock, rolling the beans in their saute oil. They looked kind of brown? He looked closer, not wanting Fletcher to come back and find them burned. Hm, no, he was pretty sure it was whatever they were being cooked in. Balsamic maybe? There were chopped onions in with it as well, and those similarly looked a little brown but not burnt. 

He checked the clock again. Okay, two minutes. Tommy looked around the counter, seeing the thermometer but no oven mitts. There was one pot holder laying out, and he folded the towel hanging off the oven door to go with it.

The tray was heavily laden with the chicken, heavier than Tommy expected it to be. He tried to adjust his grip so it didn’t tip backwards, but his adjustments shifted his fingertips off the towel. 

Tommy quickly pulled his hand away from the heat. Now holding the tray with one hand, it began to go sideways. Instinctively he tried to catch it, only serving to touch the hot metal again. This time, his brain - desperate to keep him from making the same mistake a third time - drew back his hands completely and the tray clattered to the floor, scattering the chicken. 

Tommy’s heart leapt to his throat. He dropped to his hands and knees and picked up a piece of chicken, dropping it immediately.

It’s hot, it’s all fucking hot, he berated himself. He started using the towel to scoop up the chicken. He didn’t know what to do with it, so he piled it back onto the tray. His heart was beating so loudly in his ears he didn’t hear Fletcher’s footsteps. It wasn’t until he saw their boots that he looked up.

As if they had materialized before him, summoned by his fuck up, Fletcher stood glowering down at him. They held a bloody rag in their hand from whatever they had been dealing with upstairs.

“I’m sorry,” Tommy said. “I’ll… I’ll…” Fix it? How was he going to fix it?

Fletcher closed their eyes and dug the heel of their palm into their temple. 

“Do you have any idea the amount of effort that went into this dinner?”

“I know, I’m sorry-” Tommy started again.

Fletcher cut him off. “You don’t know. I had to drive an hour and a half just to get these chickens. Every time I have to leave the lodge it’s a fucking ordeal. I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but there’s not much around here. I can’t run to the grocery store without making a day of it. I can’t order fucking take out to fix this. You do know how long this took me today to put together.”

“I do, I know, I’m sorry, I’m sorry-”

Fletcher reached down and slammed Tommy’s head against the cabinets. 

“Stop fucking saying you’re sorry! I know you’re fucking sorry! What happened?”

Tommy held his head, trying to blink his vision back after it whited out.

Fletcher crouched down on their haunches and grabbed Tommy by the front of his shirt, giving him a quick shake. 

“Hey! What the fuck happened?”

“I, uh, I burned my hand…” Tommy said, keeping his eyes low. He held back another “sorry.”

“You burned your hand?” Fletcher repeated unsympathetically. “Where?”

Tommy glanced up at them and hesitantly opened up his hand to them. Fletcher grabbed his wrist with more force than necessary.

“You think this is a burn?” They snarled. “I’ll show you a fucking burn.”

Fletcher took Tommy’s hand and pressed it down against the still hot metal pan.

Tommy screamed and Fletcher allowed him to jerk his arm away. He cradled his hand to his chest, tears escaping from his eyes.

Fletcher stood again, looking down on him.

“Don’t bother getting up. You’re going to be scrubbing the floor.”

Fletcher turned around to storm off, only to see the three trainees leaning around the doorway to observe.

“The fuck are you looking at?” Fletcher snapped.

One held up their hands and made themself scarce.

“Does this mean there’s no dinner?” Another asked.

“There’s potatoes,” Fletcher grumbled. Then they suddenly turned back and dashed to the pan of green beans, taking it off the heat. They inspected the vegetables, ignoring Tommy sniffling on the ground, trying to scoop up the chicken with one hand. “Yeah, these are fine. There’s also green beans.”

Scene 3

Tommy had experienced more types of pain than he could count, but burning was usually off the table to clients. Too much deep tissue damage. It was scary to think that his hand may never be the same. And if it was to recover, it was going to do so at the slow, agonizing crawl of natural healing. 

Tommy did his best not to flinch as Fletcher applied the cream to his burns. He just had to suck air between his teeth and not complain. 

“How’s it feel?” Fletcher asked once they had finished wrapping the gauze. 

“It stings,” Tommy said pitifully. “It feels like I’m still being burned. Do you think… do you think it’s going to be okay? Eventually?”

“Well, if you want to give me the information of that doctor you used to see, I’m sure he can give you a magic healing potion or whatever the fuck. Once I decide you’ve suffered enough.”

Tommy’s stomach flopped. He would take a burn any day of the week if it meant he never had to see Sam again.

“Please don’t take me back to him,” Tommy begged softly. 

Fletcher raised an eyebrow, but said no more on the subject. They peeled off their gloves.

“Then here’s how it will go. It’ll hurt, and then it will blister, and then the blisters will pop. You have to keep it clean so it doesn’t get infected. If you find yourself unable to do simple tasks because you can’t use one of your hands, you can come find me…” Fletcher took his chin in their hand. “And beg for my help.”

~

Tommy slept with his hand cradled against his chest. There was a brief moment of peace when he awoke before he began to feel the throb of the burns. 

He kept his arm close to his torso as he walked to the kitchen, trying to think of what he could make for himself. Surely he could manage a bowl of cereal with one hand.

The box was easy enough. Tommy got the milk from the fridge. Oh yeah - oat milk. He held the container between his arm and his side, twisting the cap off with his good hand. Looked like milk.

He thought about pouring some into a glass to try, when Fletcher walked in, carrying dirty dishes to the sink.

They glanced in Tommy’s direction, then away, saying nothing. 

“I can-” it came out quiet and hoarse. Tommy cleared his throat and tried again. “I can wash those.”

“Can you?” Fletcher asked without looking back at him. 

“Um, I can, well, I can try…” Tommy offered. 

Fletcher turned to face him now, leaning back on the counter. “If you drop something, and it breaks,” they said, “I am not going to be happy.”

Tommy paled. “Is there - is there something else you would like me to do?”

“Not really,” Fletcher said. They walked out of the room. 

Tommy wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do. They hadn’t told him not to do the dishes, just not to break them. And if he misinterpreted their response as a no, and they came back to find that he hadn’t washed them, they might be angry.

His strategy for washing dishes with one hand was to lay them in the sink, scrub them there with one hand as best he could, and then move them into the stream of water.

It took longer, and was more awkward - they kept sliding around - but he was able to do it.

When Tommy found Fletcher next, they were out behind the lodge chopping wood. He watched them raise the axe over their shoulder and swing down on the log, cleaving it easily in two. 

“Do you want any help?” Tommy called out, keeping his distance.

“No,” Fletcher called back, setting up the log again.

Tommy hesitated. “Is there anything you would like me to-“

“What the fuck did I just say?”

Chop.

Tommy left them alone the rest of the day. He kept to his room, trying to give Fletcher space now that they had made it clear they didn’t want him around. For a while he tried to read, but he struggled to find a comfortable way to both hold the book and flip the pages. He ended up pacing the floor, filled with anxious nerves that urged him to do something.

He had been having such a… if not good, unquestionably better time here than he’d had with Caius and the rest. This was a bad turn. It didn’t have to be like this. He just had to make it up to Fletcher somehow; get back in their good graces

He had tried to make himself useful around the house without much success. It was true that what he could do would be limited while his hand was injured. Which meant he had to rely on other skills to make himself useful.

~

Everyone else had gone to bed. It was just Fletcher sitting on the couch, illuminated only by the fluctuating light of the TV screen. They had a beer in one hand, resting on the arm of the couch.

Tommy approached slowly, tugging on the hem of his shirt with anxiousness. Fletcher didn’t acknowledge him, even when he was standing in front of the couch. He kept to the side enough not to block their view.

It was only when Tommy lowered himself to his knees that Fletcher said, “What?” without taking their eyes off the screen.

“I’m really sorry about the dinner,” Tommy said. His stomach rippled with anxiety.

“I know,” Fletcher said flatly. “You’ve said.”

Tommy swallowed. He hesitantly leaned in and nuzzled his cheek against Fletcher’s leg.

Fletcher finally looked down at him.

“I would like to make it up to you.”

“How’s that?”

Fletcher said it flatly. Disinterested, still annoyed. There was no flirtation nor cruel amusement in their voice. 

Tommy swallowed. Was this a bad idea? Or was he not making it obvious enough? Most people would jump on him at the mere suggestion. 

Tommy put a hand on Fletcher’s knee and ran in gently up their thigh. Not far, not overstepping. Just trying to give them the right idea. He looked up at them with his best wet dog expression.

“Okay,” Fletcher said. 

They set their beer down on the end table and shifted their pose, spreading their legs a little more. Tommy dutifully shuffled in between.

Nothing you haven’t done before, he told himself. It’ll be better afterwards. 

“Close your eyes.” Fletcher said. And once he had, “Open your mouth.”

Tommy opened his mouth, sticking his tongue out a little. He waited, listening to Fletcher shift on the couch. Probably opening their pants. A click, that must’ve been their belt buckle. 

What entered his mouth was too big, too hard, too metallic. 

Tommy’s eyes flew open as the barrel of the gun forced his jaw wider. He tried to pull back, but Fletcher snatched a fistful of his hair and held him in place. 

Tommy whimpered that beautiful whimper, but it was more rounded, more frantic.

“Breathe through your nose,” Fletcher said.

Tommy squeezed his eyes shut and followed the order. He tried to breathe deep and slow through his nose. He tried to keep his tongue down as far as he could, to not gag and to not taste the oiled metal.

“I want you to look at me now.”

Tommy slowly opened his eyes. Fletcher was staring down at him impassively.

“Don’t try this shit with me again.”

Tommy couldn’t nod, so he did his best to make an “Uh huh” noise. 

Fletcher withdrew the gun. Tommy doubled forward and hacked. His mouth was left with an awful taste.

“Don’t spit on the floor,” Fletcher said. They picked up a magazine from the cushion beside them and slid it back into the gun. “Go.”

Tommy clamored to his feet and ran off. He managed to get to his room and close the door before fully breaking down into sobs, sliding down to the floor.

He had just been trying to make things better.

~

Tommy cried himself to sleep. Nothing new. He had just hoped to break the habit. 

He shuffled into the kitchen in the morning, and froze when he saw Fletcher sitting at the table, nursing a mug of coffee.

Tommy dropped his gaze quickly. He tried to decide quickly whether he should leave now, or grab some food and then leave. 

“Hey,” Fletcher said. It was softer than Tommy expected. “Sit.”

No running now. Tommy drew out the chair across from them and sat down, still avoiding their gaze.

“I recognize… that I have been harsh,” Fletcher said.

Tommy slowly lifted his eyes towards them, trying to read their expression. Was this a trick? Was he supposed to tell them he deserved it all? Was he supposed to believe them, and be lulled into a false sense of security?

“I didn’t give you a concussion, but, you know, the head can be tricky. And your hand…” They looked for the words. “I try to - I want to keep you in working condition. Nothing that’s going to really put you out of commission for a while. So that probably won’t happen again. Not to your hands. And the gun…” Fletcher ran a hand over their face. “The gun was a lot. That was uncool of me because, you know, gun safety rules.”

Tommy’s mouth was hanging slightly ajar. Was this an apology? At least, as close as Fletcher could get to one? He had expected something closer to, I recognize I’ve been harsh, but if you behaved I wouldn’t have to do these things.

“I know how it feels to have a gun on you,” Fletcher continued. They were the one to look away now. “And I… forget, I guess. That most people aren’t used to it. Can’t shake it off.

“Look, I’m not… not gonna say it will never happen again, but it probably won’t be this bad most of the time. Plenty of days will go by without incident, I’m sure. But I am… a violent person. I have violent tendencies, and I get angry. And I’m not trying to curb these tendencies because I enjoy indulging in them. So…” They tapped their knuckles on the table and shrugged. “That’s the situation. We’re square, for now. So you don’t need to be skulking around anymore. And… nevermind, I was going to say something mean.”

Tommy shifted uncomfortably. “About last night?”

“Yeah.”

“What, I’m not your type?”

Fletcher chuckled. “I was going to say when I want to take sexual advantage of you, I’ll let you know; you don’t have to initiate.”

“Right,” Tommy muttered, looking down again.

“I’m joking,” Fletcher said. “You can tell from my lighthearted expression.” They pointed at their face, purposely putting on a grumpy look. “Anyway, I’m planning my lesson for today. Might have to throw you around a bit for the demo. Nothing personal.”

“Oh,” Tommy said. “Okay, um…”

Fletcher was already up, carrying their coffee out of the room. “Get some breakfast,” they reminded him. “Three meals a day.”

~~~

hm i kind of thought our taglists would overlap more. good luck everyone.

@suspicious-whumping-egg @whumpyourdamnpears @generic-whumperz @lonesome--hunter

@whumplr-reader @theelvishcowgirl @sunshiline-writes @dont-be-gentle-please @galesgallery

@2in1whump @sparrowsage @apokolyps @whumpinggrounds

@morning-star-whump @leviiio @alexmundaythrufriday

@defire @jumpywhumpywriter @watermelons-dont-grow-on-trees

@light-me-on-pyre @slighlydisturbedbeans @dislexiher @paperprinxe @desert-dyke

@just-a-whumping-racoon-with-wifi @burtlederp @whatwasmyprevioususername @cursedandtired

@whump-only @misspelledwitch @redstainedsocks @thehopelessopus @im-just-here-for-the-whump

@thatsthewhump @aqua-blogging  @utopian819 @whumpinggoodtime @pretty-face-breaker

[diazheartsbuckley]

I would literally KILL to have 9-1-1/The Rookie crossover

Buck and Lucy bestieism

Eddie and Tim bonding over their similar backgrounds

Bonus points if Tim asks Eddie, “so how long have you and Buckley been together?”

And Eddie is like, “We aren’t together”

And Tim kinda scoffs and goes, “please the way that you’re looking at him is how I realized I was looking at Lucy before we got together”

[johanna-swann]

I totally forgot to post anything here, but I've been working on some more Bucktommy stories. Actually made it a collection on ao3. They all take place in the same continuity and are sorted chronologically, but each story can be read independently.

I had already posted the link to "But in this life I met you", it's about Tommy who, some months into his relationship with Buck, starts questioning his and and Eddie's respective places in Buck's life (3.6k, Bucktommy endgame).

"Tommy meets Evan" is a very short story about the first couple of times Tommy runs into Buck from Tommy's pov (1.3k).

Right now I'm working on "Love and Lack thereof" which is basically a "Tommy begins" type of story. Covers his childhood, his time in the army, his coming back to LA and finding a place for himself. (2/4 chapters are online, will have about 8-10k once it's finished)

I was also working on a story where Tommy and Karen bond and have a conversation about kids, but I got sidetracked and am working on that other fic right now.

Also possibly gonna do a "Tommy realises he's in capital L Love with Evan, but it's way to early and he promised to take it slow, what is he supposed to do?" story. (Would also feature Henren.)

[almamidships]

Istg there can’t possibly be a single one neurospicy person (drizzled with a hint of OCD) in the 9-1-1 writers room as the whole timeline of the show is all over the place

[thegayestdiaz]

you know it’s so funny that we as fans spend all our time rewatching and analysing and theorising and then the 911 writers can’t even bother to keep a consistent timeline

[drsantosgf]

the thing about 911 is that logically tommy should be in this episode because (1) every firefighter is going to be at that hangar and (2) we literally saw the 217 truck sitting next to the 118 truck in bts. but also this is 911 and it's completely possible and actually likely that they fucking forgor

[wolvesofinnistrad]

"Eddie had always thought he'd come back..."

This line is haunting me, i want to write a fic that begins with this line, following Eddie as he returns to "his" house almsot 4 hears later from El Paso, trying to reconcile how much things have changed.

[frienderbee]

Some of my favourite quotes that's come out of the dream situation rn:

"That's like being shot and then saying you can reclaim guns" - Jack manifold on dreams reddit post claiming he thought he could use slurs as slurs just cause others have "gone viral" for calling HIM slurs.

"I really don't see how his audience sees him as genuine when the veil is paper thin" - Jack manifold simply being based.

"You changed up! YES. The situation changed!!" - Jack manifold yet again being based on how dream fans act like Jack and Tommy switched up on dream just for clout.

"I think dream has made a lot of money out of keeping his sexuality ambiguous" - Tubbo about the fact Dream on stream said that he is not gay and that being called the f slur doesn't even apply to him. After pandering to a queer audience and deliberately leaning into acting gay. (Obviously, him saying he's not gay doesn't necessarily make him straight, but he does seem to imply that by saying he's NOT like that and then backtracking that Nicholas Cantu wouldn't know either way)

"I do think this is partially because I played the villain on the dsmp" - Dream. The most delusional and insane thing he could have said. No, that's not why you get hate. That was 5 years ago. Are you okay?

[johanna-swann]

I actually have sooo many issues with 911 lately that haven't even got much to do with any ships.

Like. They wrote out almost all of the side characters. Chris is gone, Linda and Sue are gone, Athena's kids are gone (even though Harry just moved in with her and Bobby again? Seriously, where is Harry?), Ravi is gone, Carla is gone. I know the GA maybe don't care that much, casual viewers might not even have noticed that this many characters have just vanished from the show, but in my opinion this is one of the things that give a show running as long as 911 life. Having a big cast is a good thing. Otherwise things are going to get very monotonous very soon.

Actually, that's my second point. They keep repeating storylines! Every season Hen and Karen have to fight a custody battle over one of their kids.

Every season Eddie ends up realising he has a lot of repressed trauma and issues which keep him from leading a healthy happy and free life.

Every season Bathena realise that they have communication issues and they fight about it, but then something traumatic happens and they forgive each other without ever really talking things out.

Every season we are reminded that Maddie's most prominent character trait is "traumatised", the writers just alternatingly bring up Doug again and sometimes the ppd arc.

Every season we see Buck being somewhat restless, looking and searching for something that will bring him true happiness and cycling through love interests that never stick around and each time when you think "oh, there it is, he's getting somewhere now" the writers go "BEEEP! WRONG!" and we start all over again. [This is not just about recent events aka Tommy, the break-up and Buck potentially going back to his 1.0 ways, this also happened in season 6 when he had his "it doesn't matter what other people see in me, I'm enough" revelation only to suddenly be like "omg, Natalia just sees me".]

And Chimney- he had his moment last season with the wedding episode, Kenneth Choi really ate that episode up, but his most prominent character trait is "Maddie's supportive husband". There's really not that much going on with him otherwise.

Another point I briefly touched upon above is consistency. Like Harry moving back in with Athena and Bobby and then just vanishing. Or Gerrard being more like a slightly unfriendly grandpa than an actual antagonist in season 8 when he was still spouting slurs in season 7.

And the timeline! We talked about this before ("last March", Mara's fostering to adoption timeline, Tommy tranferring to harbour "5 years ago"), but the newest "Tommy was actually Abby's Tommy" twist just adds to that. Tommy was with Abby for over 2 years. They were engaged. This was at a time when he was still at the 118. Tommy dated Abby presumably because he was in denial or maybe because he was hiding. In either case, wouldn't his team at least have heard about his fiancée, Abby the dispatcher? Wouldn't that have rung a bell when Buck eventually brought her around only a year or two later? Tommy did talk about his private life at least a little at work, even under Gerrard. It just doesn't make sense. (Not to mention this seems wildly out of character for Tommy who around the same time also said about himself "being single is easier".)

Then there's the pacing. This was a huge issue in season 7. They jumped from one personal soap opera drama to the next without taking any breathers, had almost no procedural in their drama the whole season, still somehow decided to spend one third of the entire season just on the opening disaster and also squeezed in a "Bobby begins for the third time now" episode. But okay, it was a shortened season, there were strikes, they switched networks, they were under a lot of pressure - I'll cut them some slack. At least they set up a bunch of interesting stuff for the following season.

But we're in season 8 now. The renewal was announced very early, they had a lot of time to plan this time. Also they have almost double the episodes they had last season, there's really no need to rush any of the major plots. I am done cutting them slack.

They wanna do a 3 part opening disaster again? Okay fine, you have the time now. I feel like they could've easily done it in 2 episodes (especially 8x02 felt a little "eh"), but okay. Better than the breakneck speed you were going at befo- Oh, what's that? 8x04 flying in with a steel chair. You resolved 70% percent of the plots you set up last season in one single episode with no build up, no emotional pay off and no lasting consequences? And you also squeezed in multiple unrelated calls at the same time? Damn, okay then. Good-bye potentially interesting storylines. Fuck me for being invested I guess. I thought there would at least maybe be some follow up in 8x05, but no.

Now that Halloween episode wasn't bad, it was actually the best episode of this season imo, but instead of following up on previously established conflicts and developments they just hit us with new Wilson family trauma and conflict that was also immediately fixed again. And now 8x06 has speedrun and dumped another storyline that had potential to go to deeper and interesting places. Not gonna talk too much about that though because this post is about the show as a whole, not ships.

And I am not yet convinced that there will be much more to come on the only thing that's left from last season: Eddie's deep dive into his trauma and repression. It's totally possible at this point that being told "you deserve nice things" by a random stranger actually solved all of his problems, it would be very in tone with 911's new style.

What are they even gonna do with the rest of this season? Revisiting the Hotshots set sounds fun, but ultimately inconsequential. You know what's great about a regular old procedural drama with ~20 episodes per season that comes on weekly? You have time. You can let the viewers sit with their emotions and thoughts for a week and keep them engaged by stretching things out a little.

But why should I bother getting emotionally invested in problems the characters are gonna solve within the same episode anyway? Or rather, even if I wanted to, how am I supposed to care if you don't give me the time to develop any feelings about anything that's happening? "Henren lost in court and are now completely forbidden from seeing Mara at all!" Damn, that must be so har- "JUST KIDDING! Ortiz is exposed and everything is perfect again now." Oh. Okay then, I guess.

Bottom line: The characters are all stuck in their own hamster wheels, they keep cutting side characters that could bring a breeze of fresh air (I'm honestly surprised they even kept Josh until now), they rush through all the storylines a such a ridiculous speed that I don't even have time to feel any sort of way about it, they don't even try to keep a consistency or sensible timeline going and they seem to strongly prioritise random funny bits that'll entertain the very casual viewers right now in this moment (tiger call, Billy Boils, Bee-nado, the 'Stache tm, "wait, it's the same Abby?", Gerrard being a fangirl at heart) instead of playing the long game and catering to people who actually pay a little attention to the show.

[On that last remark: I'm not talking about hardcore fans who analyse every single frame here, I mean casual fans who've watched the show on and off again for a while and who may not be involved in fandom but genuinely care about the show.]

I mean. What am I even still doing here? The show is treading water and I end up disappointed more often than not. I'm still holding out a little hope that they actually will do something interesting with Eddie and his sea-monkeys, but I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't.

[diazsdimples]

Favourite Bucktommy headcanons that have kept me going in these terrible 9 days without an episode

Buck is Tommy's first serious relationship after a bad breakup he had a few years ago and he's just as nervous about all this as Buck is

Buck really likes the scar over Tommy's ribs. He kisses it when they cuddle at night, he traces his fingertips over it and loves that he can feel it through Tommy's shirts

Tommy always lets Buck know when he's landed safely and Buck always lets Tommy know when they've gotten back to the station safely. They both know the danger of their jobs and check in regularly with one another

Tommy cannot believe how little Buck knows about pop culture and the first few times he stays over at Buck's place he brings DVDs of his favourite movies. Buck watches them because Tommy plays with his hair while they watch and he'll do anything to have Tommy's arms around him. When Buck starts quoting the movies at work, Tommy gets a barrage of texts from Chimney asking him what his secret is (Tommy does not mention there's often oral sex involved)

They got 5 minutes into Muay Thai lessons before they realised it was never going to work because Buck kept kissing Tommy to distract him and Tommy kept letting him

The first night they spend together, Buck spends most of the night awake because he's not used to someone in his bed, and he realises that he really fucking loves how Tommy twitches in his sleep and makes small noises when he's having a nightmare (he has those fairly regularly)

Tommy tried calling him "Buck" once and they both cringed and have never tried it again since

Buck loves calling Tommy pet names and he tries them all out. Most are met with a smirk or a laugh but there are a few that Tommy's eyes soften at. Buck is also the only person that's allowed to call him "Tom", or "Thomas" when he's being a little shit

Buck sends Tommy instagram reels and tiktoks all the time. Tommy didn't have either app until they started dating and downloaded them specifically for Buck. Now he's more addicted to them than Buck is

Buck never realised how easy a relationship could be until he met Tommy

[bucksaiga]

A year on Jupiter

Tommy walked through the door after a long shift at Harbor Station. Becoming captain 5 years ago wasn't in his initial life plan. Neither was their 7 year old, 4 year old, or the newborn they recently adopted. Hell, getting back together with Evan wasn't in the cards nearly 12 years ago either.

Yet here he was. Not a damn thing he'd do differently. 

He went upstairs and stopped by their son's nursery and softly kissed his forehead, then made his way to their 7 year old's room, a smile forming on his lips.

"Are we pretending to be sleeping?"

"No." A muffled, giggly answer was heard from beneath the covers.

"Put away the screen." Tommy shook his head. "I swear, you're just like your father."

"Which one?" 

Tommy chuckled. "Very funny." He tucked him in. "Sleep. You have a test tomorrow."

"I know. I studied a lot with dad."

"I bet. You know dad loves astronomy."

"Mhm!" 

He planted a kiss on their son's forehead before making his way to their daughter's room.

She was fast asleep, stuffed bunny nearly falling on the floor and her blanket halfway off. She was somewhat of a wild sleeper. Anytime she'd crawl into their bed, someone was definitely getting kicked.

Tommy moved her bunny onto the bed, fixed her blanket and shifted her slightly, relieved she didn't even stir. He kissed her forehead and moved on to his and Evan's bedroom, where he found him on the bed with a rose in his mouth and a plate of chocolate covered strawberries in front of him. 

"Hi." Tommy smiled. He glanced around, finally noticing the candles on their night tables. "What's all this?"

Evan took the flower out of his mouth. "Happy Anniversary!"

Tommy narrowed his eyes in confusion. "Our 12 year anniversary is next month, sweetheart."

"Actually, it's our one year anniversary."

Now, Tommy was even more confused. "I'm not following."

"Did you know it takes 11.86 Earth years for Jupiter to complete one orbit around the sun?"

"Ah." Tommy nodded in understanding, settling on the bed with Evan. "All these Earth years and you haven't stopped being adorable." 

Evan offered Tommy a strawberry. "Here's to at least 5 more Jupiter years together."

"That's a pretty long time. Think we'll live that long?"

"Mm...yeah." Buck considered. "We're stubborn."

The couple laughed together, sharing strawberries and kisses, looking forward to all the Jupiter years ahead of them.

give me kudos? ♡

[flawssy-227]

All I Do - Joel Miller x f!reader

summary: All Joel does, is think about you OR Joel asks you to move in.

pairing: Joel miller x f!reader

word count: 1.4k

warnings: no outbreak au, Sarah mentioned, kissing, established relationship. fluff

note: 18+, I will always do my best to leave the reader description as vague as possible (albeit female, but I am a woc, so will also always have woc in mind in my writing) lmk what you think

masterlist

Joel wasn’t sure when he had fallen head over heels in love with you, but lately it was all he could think about. How wholly, deeply, and emphatically he was in love with you. Looking over at your sleeping form, you were damn near angelic. Your lashes brushed against your cheekbones and your lips made the sweetest shape while you dozed. How did he get so lucky? He’s even more surprised you feel the same way about him. That you’ve practically moved in with him and Sarah. That was something he needed to make permanent, he thought. Why were you even keeping your place if you were here every weekend. He wasn’t a religious man, but he had considered lighting a candle to pray you would always feel that way.

He wasn’t even looking for a relationship when he met you. After things with Sarah’s mom ended years ago, he had tried to date, mostly from Tommy and Maria’s urging, but things never felt right. Usually, if anything, his dates would end up with hollow and empty sex. But he never felt an emotional connection. He would never admit it to Sarah or Tommy or his mom, but late at night, he would crave intimacy, connection, another person to just do life with. And then he met you.

It was Sunday morning and Joel was up, watching as the sun made its ascent to the top of the sky. He watched as blocks of light danced across your skin, the heat from the sun causing you to wake up slowly. The little full body cat stretch you did when you woke up naturally was the most endearing thing Joel had seen, something that made his heart flutter when he thought of you. At this point, all he did was think about you.

You finally opened your eyes when you were done stretching, humming when you saw Joel was still in bed with you. Usually he was up before you, showering or helping Sarah with breakfast. You pushed to sit up with him, shifting so you could shift your weight against his and placing a small kiss against his shoulder.

“Good morning, handsome,” you offered, voice cracking from hours of sleep.

Another thing he loved, he thought. How you sound when you first wake up.

Joel instinctively reached for your hand, bringing it up to his lips for a light peck.

“Missed you.”

Now you were laughing, the sound making Joel smile widely and the feeling waking you up a bit more.

“You missed me?” you question, wondering how he could miss you when you literally hadn’t left his side for the last 8 hours in bed, and the 5 or so before that when you had watched a movie and had dinner with him and Sarah. “We’ve been together for the past 12 hours, babe.”

Joel just looks at you and shrugs. “Doesn’t count if you were sleeping for most of it.”

You hum softly at the notion of him missing while you were sleeping. “Joel Miller. The big sap.”

The grunt Joel makes is his attempt at sounding unlike the big sap he definitely is. He couldn’t help it though, outside of Sarah, you were all that mattered to him. And frankly, he was tired of spending so much damn time apart.

“Can ya blame me?” Joel asks, shifting his body so he’s leaning over you, effectively caging you in between his strong arms.

You playfully roll your eyes at him despite that familiar pull in your lower belly. “You’re ridiculous, Joel.” You both knew you didn’t mean it, even if he was being a little ridiculous, it still made your heart warm. You started to let your hands trail up and down the arms that were still caging your body in, sighing dreamily. 

“Not bein’ ridiculous,” he huffed. “We spend far too much time apart, darlin’.” Joel looked into your eyes, nothing but devotion between the two of you, and leaned down to let his lips meet yours. The kiss was sweet and gentle and Joel made a delighted noise at the way you tasted. Even first thing in the morning you were heavenly. Add it to the list.

He pulled away and cleared his throat, moving to sit back next to you. He scratched his jaw and looked out his bedroom window, the sun continuing to rise. You frowned, noticing the shift in his mood and leaned to face him.

“What’s wrong?”

His eyes met yours again, softening slightly which made your heart beat faster, those subtle changes you couldn’t help but notice every time he looked at you.

“Just thinkin’.”

“Uh-oh.”

Joel grunted and rolled his eyes at that. “Hilarious darlin’.” He looked deep in thought, but you just grinned, loving to tease your boyfriend just a bit. When he was silent for a beat too long, you figured maybe this wasn’t a teasing occasion.

You smiled softly, reaching over to cradle his face. He leaned in closer, letting his hand trace down your waist to lay possessively on your hip. You breathed him in, loving the way your scent and his intermingled while you slept, heavily mixed in the sheets and surrounding the both of you.

You kissed him gently again, unable to help yourself but forcing yourself not to get distracted by his lips. “Seriously Joel, what’s on your mind?” you pressed, always wanting you and him to have open communication. He could come to you for anything without fear of judgement.

You could tell he was nervous but you stayed patient, knowing whatever it was, he would open up when he was ready.

“I really did miss you,” Joel whispered, tightening his grip around you. “I miss you all the time. I was- I was thinking you should go ahead and move in here, if you want.” He looked in your eyes, trying to gauge your reaction. You met him with silence, wanting him to continue.

“We just… talk everyday, all day, and you have your place so I get that you wanna be there, and you should if you’re still payin’ rent. But I figure we’re already in love and even though you spend every weekend here, it ain’t enough for me anymore. All I do is think about you. When I wake up I wish you were here. When I come home from a long day at a site, I just want to curl up with you on the couch.”

Your eyes shined with unshed tears. You wanted to melt into a puddle at Joel’s words. You knew he was in love with you, it only took a few weeks of dating for him to confess, much to your glee. You also knew that over the last few months, the love you two shared had grown into something much deeper and intimate. It was something you had never felt before with anyone else. You knew it was special. You were ready for more in your relationship, but you didn’t want to push him too fast. He never really said it, but you could tell he still had some leftover trauma and trust issues from Sarah’s mom–who could blame him?

You were still silent while thinking about how damn in love with him you were, making him shake his head with regret. “Or-or not. Is it too soon?”

You shook your head no, smiling against wet tears that you couldn’t contain. “No, not at all, baby,” your grin completely took over your face. “Not too soon. I just can’t believe you’re so obsessed with me.” Tears were still escaping your eyes, but your teasing tone was back, making Joel huff out a sigh of relief. “I would love to move in with you, Joel. My lease is up next month, anyway.”

He let out a displeased sound at that. “Really? I don’t remember you mentionin’ that.”

“Didn’t wanna put too much pressure on us,” you shrugged. “It’s still so early.”

Joel held you a little bit tighter. “It’s early, but it’s different with us, yeah? Wanting to be with each other more isn’t a bad thing.”

You nodded at that, falling into a comfortable silence as you remained cuddled in each other's arms.

Joel groaned, shifting to get out of bed, mumbling something about starting a pot of coffee before you reached for him, leaning up to press another delicate kiss to his lips. He dreamt of this, having someone like you in his bed, in his heart; someone who he could share life with. He nuzzled into your neck, breathing you in as if he hadn’t spent hours as close as humanly possible next to you.

“Joel,” you sighed, pressing your lips to his neck. “I missed you too.”

[letsdosciencetoit]

WIP - BuckTommy 5+1 - Part 6c

Let me add another 1000+ words to this simple 5+1 fic. It's got to be over at some point, right?

Five times the 118 worries about telling Buck that Tommy got married and one time they realized they didn't have to.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 +1 a +1b

+1 - Hen

The Wilson family is next to arrive, followed closely by Athene and Harry.  It’s a beautiful day, only slightly overcast, and people start to follow the noise and let themselves into the backyard.

Mara immediately makes a bee-line to where Jee is playing with a puppy.  Harry tries to play it more nonchalant, but as soon as he falls in step with Denny the two boys take off, racing each other to the pen. 

Hen shares a fond look with Karen, thinking back to Paisley.  She wonders if they might want to get another dog, but also wonders what the hell Buck is doing with one.  It can’t be easy to deal with a puppy  as a single man with their schedules.  Karen narrows her eyes, clearly seeing what Hen is thinking, so Hen drops the thought.  The point is to reconnect with Buck, not question his choices.

Hen heads over to give Athena a hug as she takes in more people arriving.  May arrives next, with Ravi close on her heels carrying bags of ice.  Hen watches Ravi let himself right into the house from the backyard, apparently comfortable enough with the layout to know where he’s going.

She’s about to follow him when she spots a familiar face arriving; someone she hasn’t seen in a very long while.

“Sal Deluca, as I live and breathe!” Hen calls out. “I didn’t realize you knew Buck.”

Sal pauses to say something to the beautiful woman he’s arrived with. There are two kids with him as well, probably around the same age as Mara.  They take off to the pen with the puppy as well before Sal and his partner approach Hen. Sal offers her a wide smile.  “Henrietta Wilson, it’s been too long!” he booms out before enveloping her in a surprisingly strong hug. Hen freezes and shoots Karen a look expressing how much she had not expected this.

Sal pulls back and puts his hand on the small of his partner’s back. 

“Hen, this is my wife Gina.  You might have met her briefly before I left the 118.”  Sal pauses, his expression turning somber.  “I’m sorry about Captain Nash.  We didn’t see eye to eye, but he was a good man, and world is lesser for his loss.”

“Um… thanks,” Hen responds.  She had not been prepared for this encounter, and her brain is taking longer to catch up than she would have liked.

She’s saved by Karen stepping in beside her and reaching a hand across in introduction.  “I’m Hen’s wife, Karen.  We would have met briefly, years ago.  How do you guys know Buck?”

Sal’s wide grin is back, and Gina smiles as well. “Buckley is one of my firefighters at the 122 now. I had to fight tooth and nail to get him assigned to my shift when he put in for a transfer.  That man was a hot commodity when the transfer hit the chief’s desk.”

“I can believe it,” Hen agreed.  “We’re definitely feeling his absence at the 118.  He left very big shoes to fill.”

And that’s the truth of it.  Hen had always seen Buck as a trouble-making little brother, but to those outside the family he was extremely competent and demonstrated remarkable ingenuity in the field.

Sal gets pulled away as more people arrive from the 122. Hen recognized a few of them in passing from calls. The backyard is starting to get more crowded. She catches more familiar faces moving about the yard. 

She sees Philip and Margaret Buckley standing huddled together watching Jee play,, and Hen is surprised Buck would have invited them to his housewarming.  Then again, she’s been surprised by a lot of the changes Buck’s made recently.

The one person she hasn’t spotted since they arrived was Buck.  It’s unexpected, since it’s his party.  Hen catches Karen’s eyes where she’s chatting with Josh and Linda by a table set up with finger foods.  Hen motions that she’s heading to the house to look for their errant host.

She spots him in the kitchen on the phone and pacing.  His hair looks dishevelled, like he’s been running his hands through it. 

Buck catches sight of her, and smiles. It’s bright, and reaching his eyes, and Hen forgot how much she missed seeing it on him. 

Buck ends his call, and comes over to to give her a hug.  “Hen! I’m so glad you guys made it.”

“Of course, Buck.”  Hen said, tilting her head to the side and offering him a soft smile.  “I’m sorry if I ever did anything that made you feel like we wouldn’t be here for you.”

“Hen, it’s okay,” Buck said softly, ready to excuse her behaviour, but Hen didn’t want to get off easy.

“Buck, it’s not okay,” Hen shot back.  “I wasn’t there for you after Bobby’s… after what happened to Bobby.  I can see now you were trying to hold us all together, but I didn’t stop to make sure you were okay.  I’m sorry for that, and I’m happy you seem to have found people to have your back.  Sal had some good things to say about you.”

“I forgot you would have known Sal back in the day,” Buck said, ducking his head to hid his cheeks flushing.  “But Hen, I meant what I said.  It’s okay.  You were grieving, too, and it wasn’t your job to manage my grief on top of your own.”

“I know that, Buck, but we could have sat in it together.  I was so wrapped up in my own life that I didn’t think check and make sure you had someone helping you manage.”  Hen paused, steeling herself before she continued.  “To be honest, I thought you had Eddie.”

Buck let out a wet chuckle, and Hen realized his eyes were welling up.  “Yeah, I kind of thought that too.  Turns out, not so much.”

“What happened there?” Hen asked, curiosity getting the better of her.  She never thought she would have seen a time when Buck and Eddie weren’t tight.

Buck offered her a wry smile.  “Eddie and I just had very different ways of processing our grief, and it turns out they weren’t very compatible.”

Hen wrapped an arm around Buck’s shoulder pulling him tight to her.  “I can’t picture a world where you an Eddie don’t have each other’s backs.  It might take a little time, but I know you guys will make it right.”

Buck shrugged against her.  “For the longest time, I thought the 118 was my only shot at family. It was the only place I ever felt like I belonged.  When everything else was a mess, I knew where I stood.”

Buck trailed off, and Hen finished for him.  “And the Bobby died, and it pulled the rug out from under you.”

“That’s one way to put it.”  Buck huffed out a laugh, but his expression was serious when he continued.  “You guys all turned to your person.  You and Karen, Chimney and Maddie, Eddie has Chris and his family.  And I was on the outside.  It kind of put things into perspective for me.”

“You’re allowed to grow, Buck.  None of us are going to hold it against you. I’m just happy you’re willing to share the new you with us.”

Buck smiled at her.  “I’m glad you wanted to be here.”

Hen pulled away and punched him in the arm. “New station, new house, new puppy.  Any other changes you’re going to spring on us?”

“Hey, Buck!” Ravi poked his into the house.  “People are starting to get restless.  We waiting on anyone else?”

Buck checked his watch. “Just Eddie.  You want to head him off and make sure they come through the house?”

“Sure thing, Buck. I’ll tell the other’s you guys will be out soon!”

Hen gave Buck a side eye.  “You really think that’s necessary?”

Buck shrugged, offering her a boyish grin.  “Just a precaution.  You’ll see.”

Next part

Tag List: @fenrirscarsback, @gayjaytodd, @wiay04, @daughterofscotland, @thuperrah, @anniegraceinreallife, @v88sy @chemistry66, @partofthelouniverse, @teabroomsandbooks, @buffaluff, @theallyandhisbeast, @mysterious-skin, @kinardsevan, @hcrm, @cliophilyra, @shushshesbeingsmart, @buck-up-buck, @pikaguppy, @bigheartbuck,

[dameronspector]

Getaway Car (Part 3)

Pairing: Manny Alvarez x GN!Reader, Joel Miller x Platonic!Reader, Ellie Williams x Platonic!Reader

Summary: Manny stayed back, you saved Joel and safely returned to Jackson. He’d beg on his knees for forgiveness, but would you forgive him?

Warnings: Cursing, Angst, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort from Joel, Joel is a father to Reader, Reader misses Manny so much, Mentions of Depression and Panic Attacks, Suicidal Thoughts, Death, Blood, Gore, Joel Miller Is Saved, Reader hates Abby and the group, Manny begs for forgiveness, reunions, domestic Manny, that’s all I think!

AN: mwah I love these two I love manny I love joel I love Tommy I love Ellie just..yeah 🩷 enjoy! This is the final part!

PS: I don't know anything about the game, my characterisation is based off the wiki information, the show and my own imagination. Plus, I headcanoned the QZ where they first met as Miami because that's Danny's hometown.

The more he thought of it, the more he knew that he wanted to stay back with you. He’d do what he had promised himself 5 years ago- beg on his knees for your forgiveness.

He raised his tear-filled eyes and looked at you, doting on Joel and Ellie. You had called her your sister. You had a family. And he’d be lying if he didn’t want to be a part of your family. He wanted you to love on him and care for him. Nora took one look at him and patted his shoulder, him turning around to hug her and Mel for the last time. “Take care of Abby. And…please, keep her away from (Name)”, Manny whispered in a pained voice. Nora offered him a terse nod and departed from him, leaving him to stare at you with longing in his eyes.

You didn’t notice the others leave. You didn’t notice Manny being the only one who didn’t leave. Your entire body was dialed onto Joel-all you could think of, was how to help him. You carefully straightened his body, making him lay on his back and he let out pained whimpers, hands tightening around Ellie’s.

“It’s okay, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I need to check your injuries, Joel”, you soothed him. Ellie was staring at him with her cheeks damp and face red due to her crying. “El, can you check if there’s a stick or something for his leg? We gotta-”

“Here.” You snapped your eyes up to look at-

“Manny?”, you whispered in disbelief. You noticed the way he swallowed and simply extended a broken table leg to tie around Joel’s injured knee. “Wrap this below his knee and straighten his leg, I’ll tie it up”, he mumbled to Ellie and got to work.

You stared at the scene in shock, Ellie’s face mirroring yours. He had stayed back.

“This is gonna hurt”, he warned you and you immediately went to ground Joel. You looked down at his bloody face, one of his eyes swollen shut.

“Hey, Joel? This is gonna hurt but we gotta do it to help you, okay?”, you gently cooed to him and held his hand tightly in yours, him responding in painful grunts.

Manny slowly straightened Joel’s leg and Joel screamed in agony, causing you to shut your eyes tightly and look away, Ellie doing the same and letting out a cry. Your body shook with sobs, Manny watching you closely, his heart hurting at that state of you. Directly or indirectly, he was the cause of your pain.

Finally, Joel stopped screaming and Manny announced that he was done. You brought your tearful eyes back to Joel and beckoned Ellie to come closer, her snuggling up to you and laying a hand on Joel’s chest- which was thankfully moving.

You brushed Joel’s damp hair away from his forehead and looked at Manny. “Thank you”, you managed to croak out, your eyes expressing your genuine gratitude for his help. Manny simply nodded his head and looked away towards Dina. “I’ll-I’ll help her. Do you wanna try calling someone for help?”, he offered in a careful tone.

You gave him a terse nod and he brought over the comm to you, his fingers brushing against yours. Your stomach flipped in excitement at feeling his touch after 5 long years.

-

After trying to radio Jesse for 20 minutes straight, the door to the room burst open and Jesse arrived on the scene. By now, Joel was just resting his eyes, exhausted from the blood loss and everything. You and Ellie kept a vigilant eye on him. Manny stayed by Dina, trying to keep her warm by shifting her near the fire while occasionally darting his eyes to you.

His chest hurt at how heartbreakingly beautiful you looked. He missed seeing you in front of him.

Your head snapped towards the sound, body deflating in relief at Jesse’s arrival. “Jesse-”, your voice broke off by another wave of tears. Jesse looked horrified but he masked it, not wanting to freak you or Ellie out.

“It’s okay, we’re going home now. Come on”, he soothed you and helped you and Ellie up, you held onto his arms tightly.

Manny’s stomach twisted in jealousy.

“Where’s Dina-”, Jesse questioned and turned to look around the room before his eyes fell on Manny and Dina. “Who are you?”, he asked Manny sharply, eyes assessing him.

You grabbed Jesse’s arm, “I know him, it’s alright. You two, help Joel. We need to find something that will make it easier for him and us to travel. Ellie and I will help Dina, go”, you reassured him before making your way to Dina. Manny looked at you and nodded his head in understanding, making his way over to help Joel and Jesse.

-

After finding a sledge somewhere deep inside a closet and strapping Joel in, the five of you made your way back to Jackson. The blizzard was over now, thankfully, and your horses could walk properly again, which helped you reach Jackson earlier.

Because Manny didn’t have a horse, he had to sit behind you and you were trying your best not to lean against his body heat, his hands twitching to hold your waist and bring you closer to his chest. The whole ride back to Jackson had your body tense and stiff, trying to maintain a safe distance from Manny.

You reached Jackson and almost fell off the horse. The town looked like it had endured a massacre.

The gate was broken down, a pile of infected bodies lying on top of each other in front of it, the wall was completely destroyed, smoke and ash curling in the air, a few living fires making the snow melt and the roads slippery. The insides were just as bad-- houses and shops were broken down, bodies of your fellow townspeople lying around, some of them being executed because they were bitten and in between all of that was Tommy, trying to help the fallen. He had a cut on his face, eyebrows deeply furrowed, face contorted in stress and eyes shining with tears.

Your chest twisted in pain at the sight of your home being torn apart like this. You hurriedly got off Max and ran towards Tommy—Jesse and Manny staying back to help Ellie, Dina and Joel.

"Tommy!", you cried out and ran towards him. Tommy snapped his head up and his face contorted in relief at seeing all of you return, though he couldn't help but notice Joel's absence, his heart skipping a beat.

"Oh, thank Christ, you're all okay", he breathed out and brought you in a bone crushing hug. You hugged him just as tight, your face smushed against his shoulder and eyes shut tightly.

Tommy broke the hug and held you at arms length, eyes searching behind you, "Where's Joel, Kid?", he asked breathlessly.

Your eyes filled up with tears and you managed to choke out, "Later, we need to treat him first. What happened here, Tom?"

Tommy inhaled sharply and shook his head, "Horde attack. Broke down the wall so we had to flame 'em- hence the fires. Destroyed all the buildings and shit." Your eyes widened at that.

"Get Joel to the clinic. I'll meet you there soon", Tommy instructed you and you departed with a terse nod. You made your way back to where Jesse and Manny stood and helped them pull Joel towards the clinic meanwhile Ellie helped escort Dina.

They took in Joel immediately after looking at the state he was in. You let out an exhausted sigh and crumpled down on the corridor floor, burying your head in your hands. You were running on pure adrenaline for the past few hours, not getting a chance to properly come to terms with what had happened and now that you closed your eyes, all you could see was Joel's bloody face and the way he screamed in pain.

You felt your breath hitch, chest constricting painfully and you groaned weakly, hands clawing at your chest to get rid of the feeling. In your panic, you didn't notice someone crouch down in front of you, their hands grabbing yours and putting them on their chest, near their heart.

"Breathe with me, c'mon", a voice called out to you, your brain fuzzily registering it. You felt their chest go up and down as they took big breaths to encourage you to do so. You managed to inhale shakily, letting the oxygen inflate your chest before letting it out. After doing this for 5 more times, the weight on your chest slowly disappeared and that's when you realised who helped you- Manny.

His brown eyes were looking at you in concern, a frown pulling at his lips and hands still holding yours against his chest. You stared at him blankly before snatching your hands away from his, getting up in the process. He followed behind closely, trying to get you to talk to him, "(Name)-", but you cut him off, not in the headspace to talk to him yet.

You still had to wrap your head around the fact that he was alive and breathing, and the fact that he had betrayed you even after you gave him a choice to not to.

"Don't. Not now", you stopped him from coming near with a hand extended towards him, swallowing thickly while your eyes focused on your shoes. Manny paused and squeezed his hands in a fist before reluctantly nodding his head and giving you space, his heart breaking apart in a million pieces at the distance between the two of you.

-

You've lost track of time by now. Spending your entire time helping the fallen and keeping track of Joel's health, your mind and body working like a machine. You were thankful for the distraction because it made you forgot about the fact that Manny was here, breathing the same air as you.

It's been almost 3 hours since they took Joel in. Tommy, Maria and Ellie joining you outside the room that he was being operated on. You hugged Maria as soon as you saw her, asking her if Benji was okay and she reassured you that he was. You breathed out in relief, glad that your family was alive, even though today will leave long lasting effects on their psyche and marks on their body as a reminder.

Maria left to check on the others and Tommy addressed you and Ellie in a serious tone, "What the hell happened out there?", you exchanged a nervous look with Ellie, who hadn't spoken much since you got here, choosing to stick by your side and observe everything silently.

"Tommy, they were Fireflies. Wanted to kill Joel for Salt Lake", you confessed quietly, Tommy's eyes widening in realization.

"Fuck", he whispered and ran a hand across his face. "They hurt you?", he asked curiously.

Joel had discussed about your past with Tommy in confidence before, not wanting to hide anything from his brother and so that a trustworthy person would be aware to keep you safe. Tommy took it better than you expected, with him being an Ex-Firefly himself, he understood your helplessness. Though, you still hadn't told Ellie, scared of her reaction and scared that it'll strain her and Joel's relationship further.

You shook your head no and Tommy asked you the dreaded question, "Who's the new guy?". You froze, unsure of how to explain to him about your situation with Manny.

You cleared your throat before confessing, "He uh-he was in the group. With me. And the others. We were...together before I came to Jackson", your voice shy and low. Tommy's face flashed with realization and he let out a sigh, understanding that this was a conversation to be had later.

"Alright, you guys get some rest. You're barely standin' straight", you opened your mouth to protest but Tommy stopped you, "I'll personally come to inform you if he wakes. Don't be so damn stubborn, go rest", he chided you, his southern drawl suddenly sounding stronger than before. You let out a huff of frustration and punched his arm lightly, walking away with Ellie bundled up in your arms. Tommy watched you go with a sad smile on his face.

-

You took Ellie home, putting her on strict bedrest and she went down with no protest, too tired to even argue with you. You decided to wash up, the events of the day taking a toll on you-your joints cracked and muscles spasmed with the smallest of movements.

After putting on fresh clothes, you decided to get yourself a glass of water, your throat parched and you heard a knock on the door. You let out a sigh and carried the glass of water with you to open the door. You almost dropped the glass.

"Hey", Manny greeted you hesitantly, his hands nervously stuffed inside his jacket's pockets. You gulped the water harshly before mumbling out a 'Hey' in response.

Nails tapping against the glass, you spoke up after a moment of awkward silence, "How'd you find my house?", your eyebrow quirked up in question.

"Uh-I asked around...they said the house with the cherry blossom trees belongs to Joel, so, thought I'd find you here", Manny responded quietly and shrugged.

"Okay, did you need something?"

Manny looked at you in disbelief, "Need something? Angel, I haven't seen you in 5 years. I'm here for you", his voice cracking towards the end, eyebrows furrowed in distress.

You stiffened up before going back to put the glass on the coffee table and ushered Manny out of the house, closing the door behind you. Gesturing him to follow you towards the back of the house, you stood in front of him with your arms across your chest. You licked your lips and shook your head in frustration.

"Manny, why are you doing this now?", you asked him in an exhausted voice.

"I-I want to be with you, (Nickname). You have no idea how miserable I was-"

"No idea? No idea-", you scoffed in sarcasm and spread your arms out in exasperation, "I was the one who travelled alone to Jackson while feeling severely depressed because my boyfriend betrayed me for his- insane friends, and even after I found myself a family here, I still wanted to die because my mind wouldn't stop imagining said boyfriend here with me, and I'm the one who has no idea?", you rambled furiously, your eyes staring daggers at Manny.

He flinched at your outburst and turned his head to the side in shame, his neck shaded with a red tinge and veins popping out in strain.

"What do you know, huh? You had a whole group of people around you, catching you if you fall. I had no one. Even when I was with you, I was alone. You heard her, didn't you? That I was the odd one out?", you questioned him, leaning closer to make him look you in the eye.

Manny shot his head up at that, "No- don't say that, please. You weren't alone. I loved you then and I love you now. I just-", he broke off abruptly to swallow in guilt.

You grimaced, "You just what? You couldn't let go of your ego? Your desperation for vengeance and to prove that all of you are a strong unit? Even if you knew that Abby and her father were wrong?", you accused him, jabbing a finger into his chest. He stumbled back, his face crumpled in emotion, your harsh words hitting him straight into his heart.

"Yes, Yes! I was wrong, I know. I'm sorry, I'm sorry-I-I knew you were right from the moment you told you me, I knew we were wrong. I just- i was so blinded by the fact that someone had caused pain to one of my closest friends, I wanted to see him and Ellie suffer in the same way", he admitted shamefully, his face damp with tears and eyes bloodshot, hands clenched so tightly into fists that his knuckles turned white.

You stared at him in disgust, "Manny, are you hearing yourself? What happened to you? She was a little girl-a fucking child. Joel was saving his daughter and that's what made you guys lose your minds? Not the fact that your friend and her father were committing the murder of a child?!", you glowered, your voice hoarse, face heated in anger and your breathing laboured.

You were hyperventilating, years of pent up frustration and sadness pouring out of you.

Manny sensed this and tried to soothe you, "Baby, you're panicking, please-", he came closer to hold your elbows and you shrugged him off.

"Don't touch me! I'm-you broke my heart. It's like I never knew you. How can you be so...heartless? You even participated in- in the sick torture that Abby was inflicting on my---on my dad. How could you, Manny?", you cried out, your voice strained with sorrow and heartbreak.

Manny felt like someone had stabbed him 10 times into the chest. Hell, he'd prefer being stabbed over being the reason for your tears and pain, wishing he had died instead.

His face twisted in pain and he got down on his knees, his hands holding yours and pressing his forehead against them, "I didn't, I swear I didn't agree to that. None of us did. I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused you, angel. But, I'm here now. I've left all that for good. I can't take anymore sleepless nights without you next to me. I want a home with you--a family, and I promise that I'll get better. If I don't, I'll happily die from your hands. Just-please. Give me one chance, please. I'll do anything you ask me to", he begged into your hands, pressing desperate kisses to them and his tears dampening them.

You were too tired to react to that, choosing to limply hold his hands and stare into the distance, thinking of what to do next.

Just as you were going to speak up, Tommy came rushing into the backyard and paused to stare at the scene. He schooled his face into a neutral expression and called out to you, "Kid, Joel's awake", he announced in a breathless voice.

You snapped out of your trance and looked at Tommy in surprise. He nodded at you and you dropped Manny's hands to run all the way to the clinic. Tommy stared Manny down, observing his kneeling form closely and went over to stand by him.

From the corner of his eyes, Manny caught sight of a hand extended in front of him and he hesitantly grabbed it before the man pulled him up.

He came face to face with a tall man, who looked like he could've been his brother in another life- they had the same features and the same hair. The man ran his gaze over Manny in judgement before speaking up, "Let's get you some food. Then, we have lots to discuss", he instructed in his heavy southern twang and patted Manny on the shoulder, firmly.

-

"Joel?", you called out softly, walking over to stand next to his bed. One of his eyes was still swollen shut, the cuts on his face stitched up and the blood cleaned from his face. His knee was wrapped and elevated to keep the pressure off from it and you knew Joel would complain about it.

But he was breathing, his good eye fluttering behind the lid and his fingers twitching. He let out a groan and licked his lips to get ride of the dry feeling on them, his good eye slowly opening to focus on you. "Hey, kiddo", he mumbled in a scratchy voice.

You smiled sadly and offered, "You want some water, Pops?". Joel grunted in annoyance before whispering a 'yes'. You cradled his head in your hands and helped him sip the water before he asked you to lay him back down.

"You scared us to death, Joel", you confessed in a wavering voice and pinched your nose between your fingers. Joel looked at you with a sad expression on his face and lifted a weak hand for you to hold. You looked at him with tears in your eyes and grasped his hand carefully in both of yours.

"Sorry", he murmured guiltily, his face twisting in pain and from the efforts to control his tears from falling. "Thank you for saving me", he shot you a small smile.

You chuckled lowly and patted his hand, your chin wobbling from the tears lodged in your throat. You sniffled and wiped your eyes before clearing your throat. "Did Ellie come to see you?", you asked him curiously and he nodded lightly.

"Yeah. Didn't say much but... held my hand", his voice cracked with emotion and he smiled tearfully.

Your eyes welled up with tears of happiness for Joel and you brushed his hair back. "That's good. Baby steps, yeah?", you encouraged him and he nodded in agreement.

The room was quiet for a moment before he spoke up, "The one who wrapped my leg...that your man?", he teased lightly.

You paused, eyes widened and you felt your cheeks warm up, "How the hell did you see him?!", you sputtered out in disbelief.

Joel let out a huffed laugh, "So, he is. Easy on the eyes, I'll give ya that."

You groaned in embarrassment, your hands covering your face, "You're so annoying, Miller."

He chuckled softly before wincing and you scolded him to shut up. "Ya'll talked it out?", he asked you, referring to your situation with Manny.

Your face turned glum, eyes focusing on a loose thread on your jacket, "He asked me to forgive him...on his knees and everything", you mumbled.

Joel's face expressed shock as best as it could with all the cuts and one less eye. "Damn...and what'd you say?"

"Blasted off on him. I was so frustrated and hurt and angry...I just...took it out on him."

"That's a good thing. Now that the anger is out of your system, ya'll can finally have a mature conversation", Joel comforted you in that fatherly manner that he always does.

You furrowed your brows, "I don't know what to do, Joel. I-I'm so hurt. But-"

"But you love him a lot and wanna stay with him."

You let out a big sigh, "Yeah. I waited so long...he deserves to live in peace, too", you confessed, your lips set in a frown.

"Then listen to your heart. We've all done bad things, Kid. Can't pick and choose who's the better one, not in this world, at least. If you're gettin' a chance at happiness...grab it and hold it close", Joel suggested, his voice coated with longing.

You swallowed against the lump in your throat sniffled, "Thank you", squeezing his hand in gratitude. Joel gave you a half smile and squeezed your hand back.

-

Ellie took over your place next to Joel and your stomach cramped in hunger, realising you haven't eaten anything since morning. As you made your way to the eating hall, your mind kept replaying the conversation you had with Manny.

His tearful face and desperate kisses against your hand almost broke you. You thought about what Joel said, that nobody in this world was good anymore. You've all done bad things to survive, Manny just happened to go a little more extreme. But, did he not deserve to live peacefully with you? Did you really want to see him suffer? Could you live without hearing his voice or feeling his touch again? The answer was a plain and simple No.

He was the one who saved you, he was the one who taught you how to survive in this fucked up world, and he was the one who protected you from the evil around you. Maybe, now was the time to allow him to slow down, to let him have some peace, to let him enjoy a hot cup of coffee on the porch of your own house, to let him have a good night's sleep, to give him another chance. Because you were always sure of one thing, you would forever hold a special place for Manny Alvarez in your heart.

You found him in the eating hall, holed up into a corner table with a plate of food in front of him but he wasn't eating. He was cradling his head in his hands, pulling at his hair and staring at the table. You know he was feeling overwhelmed, not used to so much commotion around him. After all, you had been like this too, on your first day in Jackson.

Tommy spotted you across the hall and gestured you over, leaning against the bar counter. He was looking at Manny the whole time.

"He's not eaten a single thing since I brought him here. Been starin' at the table for the past half hour", Tommy informed you lowly.

You sighed and looked at Manny with pitiful eyes. "I know. He's probably overstimulated."

Tommy looked at the yearning look on your face and chuckled, shaking his head in amusement. You looked at him in confusion.

"A damn apocalypse out there and we still got fools in love over'ere", Tommy teased you.

You groaned loudly and slapped his shoulder, "You and your brother think that you're comedians or something."

Tommy's chuckles receded and he nudged you, "Go talk to him." You looked at him and frowned, nodding weakly before making your way over to where Manny sat.

You silently slid in the seat in front of him and scooped up some soup in the spoon, holding it up before clearing your throat. Manny snapped his head up and froze. His curls were sticking in all directions, eyes and face red from all the crying he did and mouth agape, as if he was not expecting you to sit in front of him. He truly looked at you then, how you looked so stunning even after being so exhausted.

You shifted uncomfortably, "My arm is hurting, are you gonna eat or not?", you murmured and shifted the spoon closer to his mouth.

He finally moved then, leaning closer to the spoon and closing his mouth around it before gulping, his eyes still fixated on your face.

"I-" "No. Eat first, then we can talk for as long as you want to. Do you wanna eat somewhere else?"

Manny blinked in surprise at your offer and how you sounded much more calm now. He simply nodded his head and you got up to pack his food into containers, him following you around like a lost puppy.

-

You settled down on the outdoor seating in Joel's backyard and let Manny finish his serving. You missed seeing him like this- alive and whole- in front of you. After he was done, he finished the glass of water you had set down for him and awkwardly shifted in his seat, not sure what to expect.

"You sure you wanna stay here?", you asked him suddenly. He tilted his head like a puppy and his brown eyes widened. "Yes...I-I want to."

"I'm not forcing you, you're still free to walk away and go back to Seattle. I don't want you to be here just for the sake of me."

"No! No, (Name), I came here for you. I told you that before, and I mean it. Please, give me a chance. I wanna- I wanna live with you", he sputtered out.

You assessed him closely, "If you try anything while you're here, I wont hesitate to kill you, you know that right?", you threatened him casually. He nodded his head vehemently.

"And you'll make up for your mistakes? Be kind to my family?", he nodded his head yet again, "Yes, I swear", he conceded in a sincere voice.

"And-..if I give you a chance, you won't betray me again?", your voice broke and your eyes welled up.

Manny froze when he realised what you said, "Wait. You- Yes. Yes, a thousand times, yes. I promise, I'll make it up to you our whole life", his voice shook with emotion, hands itching to hold you in his arms.

"Okay", you sniffled and nodded in agreement. Manny let out a content sigh and whispered an 'okay'. He'd do everything and anything you'd ask him to win you back in his life.

-

Jackson, 2031

You woke up to the sound of muffled chatter from the street and the chirps of little birds. Warm sunlight was pouring through the curtains, bathing your bedroom in a shade of yellow. You then registered the heavy arm around your middle, the sunlight making it look like it was painted in gold, the skin smooth and soft.

The breaths hitting your neck tickled you slightly and you turned around to face him- your Manny- still sleeping soundly with his mouth slightly open, giving you a view of his crooked lower teeth that you adored. His clean shaven face was glowing, the tiny moles scattered across his face like constellations and his cropped curls appearing soft to the touch—making him look boyish.

It’s been a year since Manny won you back. He’s been working so hard on proving himself to you by helping around the community, making amends with Joel and Ellie, trying to leave behind his past and harmful tendencies behind. He was much more calmer now, less brash, slowing down and enjoying mundane domesticity with you.

Truthfully, he didn’t need to do much. All he had to do was be himself. You never fell out of love with him, just upset with how far he’d let himself stray. But, Manny was home now, sleeping in later and waking up by loving on you—his day starting and ending with worshipping you. He was still the same Manny when you were both 20 year olds- overprotective and fiercely loyal. Except now, he let you do patrols only with him, Joel, Ellie or Tommy as your partners.

Tommy and Joel had surprisingly taken him under their wings, teaching him construction work, encouraging him to help around in the community and utilising his shooting skills to protect Jackson Hole. They were impressed with how agile and what a graceful fighter he was.

They never missed a chance to tease you whenever you admired him working around the town. You’d act annoyed but deep down, your heart would be soaring with happiness to see your family accept Manny with open arms.

Although, Maria and Ellie were the last ones to come around. Maria got used to Manny a little earlier, as Benji was so enraptured with him that she came around quickly. Manny had taken it upon himself to teach Benji football and they would hang out day and night, the adorable sight making you cry always.

Ellie, on the other hand, she still held a slight grudge against him (rightfully so) so she maintained a safe distance from him. Manny confessed to you that she lowkey scared him and you had laughed at that, telling him that he should be scared of her.

Another person that held grudge against Manny was Jesse, for the way he handled Dina and you excused that too, but Manny and Jesse seemed to have a silly testosterone fight going on and you steered clear of it, not interested in it in any way. Dina kept Manny on his toes, annoying him like a younger sibling and it was so entertaining for you to watch him be grumpy around her.

The elder townsfolk absolutely adored Manny and you- the abuelas cooing over him while pinching his cheeks everytime he charmed them and spoke to them in Spanish, and taking you by your hands to their houses to feed you their homemade dishes. Manny always had a goofy smile by the time you returned home, enjoying the attention. And you laughed in adoration, loving the fact that you got to see that shy and bashful blush across his cheeks more and more often.

A shocking thing that happened to Manny— in the entirety of you knowing him, you’ve never seen him unsure, shy or hesitant about anything. That changed as soon as he stepped foot in Jackson and you saw it in the dining hall, with him sitting in the corner, away from everyone. In the beginning, he’d enter any room without turning on the light, forgetting that Jackson had electricity. You’d lightly come up behind him and turn it on, his body tensing and his face flushing with red when he realised it was you.

He’d jump around the loud noises, as Jackson would get rowdy during meal times or events, he even refused to sleep with his back to the door, wanting to stay vigilant and alert at all times. After spending your whole life looking over your shoulder, this was bound to happen and your heart broke for him, wanting to reassure and comfort him every time he felt like that. Watching him look at everything in child-like wonder made your chest hurt with love and the feeling of wanting to protect him forever.

“You’re thinking so loud”, he mumbled sleepily, arms tugging you closer to him. You blinked, smiling gently and cradled his cheek into your hand, caressing it with your thumb. “Good morning, Em”, you replied softly and pinched his cheek.

He flashed you his half-smile and slipped a hand under your shirt, pressing a kiss into your palm, “Mornin’, angel”, he finally opened his eyes and they shone like earthen pools in the sunlight. The urge to go back to sleep was strong, the bed sheets warm and comfy with your shared body heat, Manny’s body soft and sturdy against yours and his hand under your shirt gently rubbing your bare back. But you had to get up and start work or else Maria would be upset for the whole day.

“C’mon, we gotta get up, baby. You’ve got to help Joel with the restoration today.”

Manny grumbled and slid down to bury his head in your chest, legs trapping you against him. “No. 5 minutes more, please.”

“Manny…you know how Joel gets. He’ll do everything on his own even if his joints lock up. C’mon, let’s get to work”, you cooed at him and rubbed his back gently.

Joel was fully recovered now, but the doctors told you that his knee injury would give him chronic knee pain, which made sitting or standing for longer hours difficult for his aging body. Manny, Tommy and Jesse tried their best to take off the burden but Joel Miller was nothing if not stubborn. “You’ve to teach the kids as well, let’s go.”

Manny groaned, the sound vibrating against your chest, “Swear to god, you Millers stress me out on purpose”, and he squeezed your waist.

You giggled and slapped his back lightly before he propped himself up on an arm and admired you with doe eyes.

You shifted in unease, “Stop looking at me like that”, you mumbled and tried to close his eyes with your hand. He grabbed it and rested it on his chest.

“Hey, I’ve gotta make up for lost time. I missed seeing your beautiful face next to me for five years”, he replied in a quiet voice. You exchanged bashful smiles and he leaned in to press a loving kiss on your lips and murmured, “I love you”, against them.

You looked at him with your eyes shining in tears and jutted your bottom lip out. “I love you more, Em”, Manny giggled and squished your cheeks in between his fingers, your combined joyful laughter echoing in the still room of your own house— the house that you shared with Manny and would be sharing until you were both greying and wrinkly.

Fin.

-

AN: AAAA im so happy for them pls…I love domestic Manny so much. Hope y’all liked this mini series 🥹🩷 please like and reblog!

taglist: @taylorsroxy @parkersjoy @aomi-recs @serendipity-29 @lucycarlisleswife @laurenjbb @onmyknees4kai @groovycass @spideybrie @yvonne-dump @monselxo @this-girl-is-tired

[marc-spectorr]

𝒕𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒚𝒐𝒖 - 𝑰.

pairing: joel miller x gn!reader

summary: the first time joel almost said “i love you,” the truth had just dawned on him.

warnings: 4.4k wc. fluff + but more so angst. soft & yearning but still very much afraid of his feelings!joel. mentions of anxiety, past canon events. s2 doesn’t exist here.

a/n: hiya here’s my first joel fic/mini series! it’s written in a 5+1 plot format which i decided to split into separate parts. not sure when the next part will be written as i'm mentally preparing myself for the reed richards brain-rot that will probably happen next week lmao.

feedback is much appreciated (but pls be gentle tho bc i haven’t written anything in over a year). hope you enjoy!

Autumn has become Joel's favorite time of the year.

Sitting on his front porch in the early morning hours, he has come to enjoy the slow and quiet start of it all: the first beams of sunlight breaking through the cloudy horizon, the light crisp in the air carried by the breeze. It dances through each tree, rustling the last of its dry leaves off the branches.

He’s never noticed just how vibrant their colors are—how the crimson hues are much deeper, the amber tones a touch warmer than he last recalled.

Joel’s not entirely used to it yet. The freedom to stop and soak in the beauty standing there in front of him. Strange to think that two years ago, life had been different. Gone are the days of working long, grueling hours, earning ration cards that barely afforded him much. Back when he snuck in and out of the QZ, smuggling just to keep his lights on and pass the time. Then there had come the task of taking Ellie to the Fireflies, and the pain and loss that had risen from that.

In between all those and settling down in Jackson for good, there hasn't been a whole lot of time to slow down, breathe, and live. There was no room to do so when survival was the sole thing at the forefront of his mind.

He thought it would never end. Thought that he would never get the chance to rest, to have a life resembling a version of the past. He was proven wrong when he set foot in this town. It took a while to adjust—and he still is— but he has never felt safer. Never needed to be on a constant high alert, primed to fight off infected or worse.

Here in Jackson, there's running hot water in the shower, fresh meals every day, and comfortable beds—actual ones with clean mattresses and pillows and blankets. It feels so normal, as if this town had been left untouched by the horrors all these years. Kids went to school, neighborhoods hosted potlucks and parties. There are even movie nights held every week at the makeshift theater.

While threats continue to exist beyond the gates, they no longer plague everyone's mind at every minute of every hour. Fear doesn’t hold them back anymore. The community thrives; people are happy, and life moves freely along with the changing seasons.

And Joel... Joel has time again. So much time, and a family— old, new, and found. He's got a nice house with a white picket fence. He has a job in town and has even fallen back into some of his past hobbies.

He has a purpose, has much more to live for now.

If only Sarah could see how far he’s come along.

Joel reckons she would be proud of him. Remembering her doesn't torment him as much as it once did. What used to be a searing pain slicing through his heart has now mellowed into an ache that throbs from time to time. He supposed the journey with Ellie had begun healing the decades-old wound of loss. No longer does it bleed him dry.

Sarah would have loved it here. He imagines her getting along so well with Ellie that the two would undoubtedly conspire against him, driving him crazy, just as any teenage girl would with her father. She would have doted over her baby cousin Benjamin, admired her new aunt Maria, and teased her uncle Tommy for finally settling down.

And he thinks— no, he knows that Sarah would have adored you.

You, his closest friend and patrol partner. The most kind-hearted and patient person there is in all of Jackson, who’s always there to lend a hand or be a shoulder to cry on. Who could brighten up an entire room just by stepping inside of it.

You’re a constant in Joel’s life these days. What started out as a simple camaraderie stemming from daily patrols together has turned into something much more. You started coming over for dinners at least once a week, volunteered to tutor Ellie in your spare time, and even helped him look after Benji when Tommy and Maria needed a night off.

Then there are the little things Joel began to notice: how his eyes linger on you a beat longer than he realizes, the way his heart picks up a fraction when he hears the sound of your voice. More than once, he has caught himself smiling when you entered his thoughts, just like he was doing right at this moment.

He can't seem to shake you off. Not that he wants to.

It's complicated. He is complicated.

For years, Joel kept his distance from others. Locked away his emotions behind thick, impenetrable walls. He didn't let anyone get close to him; he couldn't.

When Sarah died, he’d come to believe that attachment was a liability. That it led to weakness, an open invitation for hurt. It’s why things with Tess never went any further than what she had wished, much to his regret.

But after Ellie had chipped away at those defenses— melted down Joel's cold, hardened exterior— warming up to you came surprisingly natural for him.

Joel admires you, or at least that's what he calls this feeling. He's at a loss trying to explain it, to make sense of it. It is admiration, isn't it?

He admires how you treat Ellie, how you genuinely care for her along with Tommy and his family, and every single person in town. You’re dedicated, loyal. Someone people can always count on. Someone who remembers the small things they say and makes them feel seen.

He admires the way you carry yourself outside of the safety of Jackson. Confident and headstrong, as if what's out there should be wary of you instead. You work well with Joel on patrols, already knowing how to handle yourself and keep up with his pace from the start. You're sharp and fierce, and one hell of a crack shot. Perhaps even better than he is, though he won't admit that out loud yet.

Most of all, Joel admires your kindness towards him, as if it were something rare, almost sacred. You soften out all the rough edges of him, bringing out a side of him that he thought had died the night of the outbreak. Even Tommy remarked at one point how he's changed from the man he once was, thanks to you. Joel had only hummed in response to that, but deep down, he knew that much was true.

Yes, it's merely admiration. A quiet reverence, an appreciation. Fondness. The kind of affection that Joel would have for any other friend. What else could it be?

You continue to linger in Joel’s head as the skies shift from streaks of pale pink to a wave of soft blue.

The rest of the town stirs awake, leaving their homes to go on about their day. Joel's unsure of what to do for his. He's not scheduled for patrol this weekend, and he hadn't planned on anything beforehand to occupy his time. He figures you'll drop by in the next couple of hours, just as you usually do on your days off, as if it's routine.

Joel never minds your company. In fact, he's looking forward to it more than he lets on.

Then, as if his endless thoughts alone had summoned you, there you are, coming into view. Real and radiant as you walk down the pathway cutting through his front yard.

Joel doesn't know what to make of the gentle flutter stirring in his chest as he watches you. There’s a gravity to your presence, a magnetic pull that compels him to stand from his seat and meet you halfway on the porch steps.

“Morning, Joel,” you chirp, looping an arm around his shoulders to reel him in for a hug. It lasts for a few short seconds, your sweet honey scent clinging to Joel’s senses even after you pull away. The smile that blooms across your lips is wide and bright, he swears it could eclipse the sun.

"Mornin' to you, too," he greets, unable to help the way the corners of his mouth twitch upwards. "What brings you 'round here? Thought you'd sleepin' in. It's our day off, remember?"

"Yeah, well, like you, I'm allergic to waking up past the crack of dawn. Habits are hard to break, I guess," you answer with a small shrug. "Plus, I got a surprise for you. It couldn't wait any longer."

Joel tilts his head, brows furrowing as he inspects the palm-sized burlap sack you lift up for him to see.

You incline your head towards the bag, a silent cue for him to take it, which he does. His fingers gently graze against yours, and he feels something fleeting yet undeniable. A brief spark that travels up the entire length of his arm upon contact. He exhales a hushed breath as his hand works steadily to pull back the drawstring, revealing its contents.

Immediately, Joel catches the familiar, rich, nutty aroma. He doesn't need to look further inside. His eyes meet yours, disbelief settling over his features as he processes what you have just given to him.

"It'll brew about ten cups, give or take. Maybe fifteen if you ration it wisely. But it's definitely more than you currently have."

"W-Where'd you find these?" He asks, completely struck with awe at you managing to get hold of coffee beans, a rare luxury in this world these days.

It's been exactly six months and ten days since Joel had the pleasure of indulging in a cup. Jackson's usual coffee supplier had come up empty-handed these last trade visits, giving no indication when it would be available again, and that was if it ever would be.

You could say he's gone nearly stir crazy ever since.

"I worked my magic around," you reply. Joel feels your eyes sweep over his face, as if carefully studying every feature. He doesn't miss the subtle curl of your lips either. "I found someone who did me a big solid and got me in contact with a guy living down south. Took forever to get here though— this was supposed to be your present last Christmas."

A soft chuckle bubbles out of Joel. “Got tired of me complainin’, huh?”

“Oh, yeah,” you agree teasingly. “Don’t think there was ever a day when you didn’t mention how desperate you were for a cup. You were starting to turn into a big grump again without it.”

“Wha— really?”

You let out a snort, answering with a lighthearted tone. “Yes, really— you snapped at the tea I offered you one time, called it a cup of boiling disappointment.”

“Not gonna take those words back. Tea just doesn’t hit the spot like coffee does,” Joel says with a playful glint in his eye. “But thank you, darlin’. You don’t gotta go through all that trouble for me.”

"I don't mind. From the looks of it, it was very much worth it," you murmur, your hand unexpectedly moving to rest on Joel's arm, giving him a light squeeze.

It could have been nothing other than a friendly gesture, though it's the kind of touch that makes him wonder if there's more behind it when you don't let go right away.

There's a quiet beat that stretches on for many more. It's only then that Joel notices how close the two of you stand before each other, neither seeming to dare step away. The air between you feels different now, charged with something else unspoken.

Almost on its own accord, Joel’s hand reaches for you, pausing just shy above your cheek in uncertainty, as if he’s suddenly become aware of what he’s doing. He swallows thickly, and right before he could draw his hand back, your fingers are curling around his wrist.

Not to push him away, no. Slowly, you lead his touch to your face like he had intended to— a silent invitation, a permission, a plea. 

Your skin is soft under the palm of his hand. Joel swears he could feel the warmth of you spread throughout him. It sinks past his bones and seeps deeper inside until finding a tender corner of his heart. His thumb brushes a slow, delicate line along your cheek, and your breath hitches, your eyes closing briefly as if to savor this as much as he is.

With a whisper of your name, Joel gently coaxes your eyes open again, having missed them in the fleeting seconds he couldn’t see them. And when they finally reconnect with his, he instantly falls into a daze, caught in an enchantment that lives within you.

Here, time doesn't pass, the wind all around stills, the earth doesn’t move an inch.

Here, all the pieces came together, clicking into place.

Joel can finally see this for what it is.

In a moment of sudden clarity, the words he’s been searching for are there, flashing in his head. Three of them. One with four letters bearing the most weight.

Of course, he hadn't recognized it at first, having only experienced it once a lifetime ago: Sarah's mother. He'd forgotten what it was like, resigned to the fact that it'd never find him again, had he wished for it to in the first place.

But perhaps deep down, there's a part of Joel that did. Because here it was, staring back at him from the depths of your eyes.

It has found him. Rather, you did.

"Joel, you okay? You look like you've seen a clicker."

Your voice is lost to Joel. Drowned in the thunderous pounding of his heartbeat. His mind moves slower than the rest of him. He licks his lips and parts them unconsciously, not knowing of what's about to fall.

And when they do, they start to spill without so much of an effort to hold them back:

“I l—”

“—Joel? Joooel? Where the hell are you man? I can’t find my red hoodie anywhere.”

Like hot, burning lightning, it’s then that everything strikes Joel all at once. The revelation, the near-confession, Ellie's abrupt appearance.

Her voice pierces the moment, breaking the spell Joel was bound to. He snaps back into reality, his throat working, mouth dry. He doesn’t mean to, but he takes a shaky step back, the wooden floorboard of his porch creaking as he does.

Gaze darting away from yours, Joel drags his hand over his face. There's a storm inside his head. A hurricane of panic and doubt threatens to consume him, if it hasn't done so already.

It was love. It has always been love all this time. Woven into every glance, every word, every moment shared together underneath the sun and the stars.

You aren’t just a friend to him. He had crossed that line without even realizing it.

Fuck.

And Joel hadn’t braced for the truth crashing over him like a tidal wave, pulling him beneath the surface. Maybe he has been too afraid to name it, too cowardly to accept it. He doesn't know how to process it, what to do next. He has no idea how you would—

Oh no.

You.

Joel’s eyes frantically flit over to you, desperate to catch the expression on your face. Worry swells in the pit of his stomach. Could you tell what he was about to lay bare? No, he hopes you didn’t. He hopes that he hasn’t messed up what was precious between you and him.

But you’re not looking at him anymore. Your attention veers past him, pointed at someone else.

“Ellie, hi!”

There's that usual lightness to your tone when you speak. You seem to be unaffected, oblivious to Joel's inner turmoil. He releases a breath, relief flooding him. He glances over his shoulder, and standing behind him is Ellie, her head peeking out from the front door. She steps outside, innocently unaware of what she had walked in on.

He goes to clear his throat.

“Sorry, kiddo. What were you—”

Joel doesn't get to finish, interrupted for the second time. As if she forgot about his presence there, Ellie skips past him and launches herself into your arms. She almost knocks you down the porch steps, his hand immediately shooting forward to steady you before that could happen.

Eventually, Ellie frees you from her tight hug. She’s bouncing on the balls of her feet, unable to contain her excitement. “Guess what? I crushed that dumb exam yesterday. I can’t fucking believe it!”

“Ellie, language,” Joel says. He gets ignored, again.

But not by you, though. Your gaze flicks to his, a small, reassuring smile tugging at your lips. It further dims the anxiety that had seized him moments ago.

You then look back at Ellie. “Of course I do. You’re a smart girl, Ellie. Told you a little studying actually helps.”

“Yeah, yeah. Still super boring though,” she mutters, rolling her eyes at how right you are. “Anyway, stables are opening up soon, and you owe me a riding lesson. Thought I’d check to see if you were already up— guess you saved me the trip.”

You let out a gentle snicker. “I did promise you that, didn't I?”

“Yup, you did,” Ellie nods. She turns to Joel, who’s no longer an invisible being to her. She spots the burlap still in his grasp and points to it. “What’s that?”

“Coffee,” he informs simply, and Joel sees the way you bite back a laugh when Ellie instantly grimaces. He then quips, “That’s very offensive.”

“Good, ‘cause it smells and tastes disgusting, bleh!”

“Try tea next time,” you suggest, chuckling.

Ellie’s face doesn’t change. “Even worse. In what world is hot leaf water appealing?”

“Gotta agree with you on that, kiddo,” Joel smirks, earning him a gentle jab in the ribs from you.

“Insult my tea one more time and you’ll never get a taste of coffee again,” you say like a warning, though there’s no real bite to it.

Still, Joel throws his hands up in front of him. A white flag.

“Eugh, enough already. There’s no competition. Both of your drinks are gross,” Ellie mumbles, shaking her head. She moves on. “Sooo, those horse riding lessons this morning. Yes or definitely a yes?”

You look at Joel's way, wordlessly checking with him if it's okay. He doesn't spare a second thinking about it, giving you a slight tip of his head in approval. It's impossible to deny you and Ellie of anything.

"Alright, your first lesson starts today," you tell Ellie. "Do me a favor and put a kettle on so Joel can make his coffee. Just need to talk to him before we can go."

Ellie performs a little salute. “You got it. Joel, my jacket?”

"Upstairs in my room," he reveals, resting his hands on his hips. "Saw a tear in it last night, so I patched it up for you. Go on, check it out after."

Ellie beams at him. She’s quick to give Joel a squeeze around his middle, and he relishes it, knowing these sweet displays of affection from her don't happen often, nor do they last very long.

“Fuck yeah! Be right back!” And then she’s off, dashing back inside the house, not giving him a chance to chide her over her cursing.

As soon as you and Joel are alone, silence settles between the two of you. He pushes down the creeping dread, deferring the talk you mentioned wanting to have with him by keeping the conversation on Ellie.

“Sorry ‘bout that,” Joel murmurs, his fingers toying with the frayed strings of the coffee bag he still holds. “Shoulda given you an out back there. If you got your hands full today, I could talk her out of it. Set up a better time for those lessons.”

You give him a faint shake of your head. “It’s okay, now is a good time. She deserves it. School’s been tough on her, but I can see how much she tries.”

“She’s got the best tutor. Pretty sure she prefers you more than her actual teachers.”

“Maybe ‘cause I bribe her with baked goods and sweets every time she does her homework.”

"Don't see anythin' wrong with that. If it works, it works," Joel chuckles, the sound of it slightly hollow, however. His thoughts begin to drift to a distant place, despite his best efforts to resist.

A pause. You tilt your head at him, a crease forming between your brows. “Joel, is everything alr—”

The tight knot in his chest swells at what you're going to ask, but he quickly forces it aside and swallows hard. He cuts you off before you can finish the question.

“—Do you, uh, want a cup?”

Seconds tick by without a single word exchanged. Your gaze softens as it lingers on Joel's, like you're reading a line of unseen words written across his face. He couldn't quite catch the flicker of thought passing through your mind; he's unsure he wants to.

You draw in a sharp breath to speak, but just as before, he deflects.

“I-I can make you a cup. You got me this, so you should have a taste—”

“Joel, I think we should—”

“Why don’t you come inside and—”

“—Look, something’s obviously wrong. Why won’t you—”

"No. Don't," Joel breathes out, his gaze lowering in both shame and fear. The fear of looking into your eyes and witnessing the damage he's caused. He doesn't want to see not even a trace of anger or disappointment in you; he knows he won't be able to take it. That it would be like a jagged blade thrusted into his fragile heart.

God, why is he so damn scared? Instead of facing the truth, he chooses to run and hide, leaving you in the dark when he should be standing right there, right next to you.

It’s the risks. The consequences.

The aftermath of those words could ultimately bring.

Everything would change, Joel knows it will. And he can't help but envision the worst that could happen. That his luck would eventually run out.

He’ll fall short. He’s not as strong as you think he is. It’s obvious right now when he’s too scared of being honest with you. Too scared of making this real.

Even with time, Joel would stay scarred. Too broken to hold something so tender in his hands. Hands that have committed sins in the past, never to be thoroughly washed off, no matter how much good he's done as of late.

You’ll realize you deserve better, you’ll find better, and he won't blame you.

“Joel, look at me. Please.”

Your voice, quiet and small, slips through the cracks in his mind, pulling him away from the heavy thoughts he burdens himself with. He doesn’t move, just stands there with an arm leaning against a column, as if trying to keep himself upright.

A soft hand rests under his chin, and he releases a shaky sigh when you tip it up slightly to find his eyes. Joel holds his breath, bracing himself for the eventual sting when you catch them.

But when you do, no hurt comes. There’s no hardness beneath your gaze. Just a calmness, a gentle understanding.

Your eyes don’t press Joel for an explanation, simply offering a refuge from his restless mind. You’ve spent enough time with him to know when he would get lost in a quiet spiral. And like all those other times, you reach a hand out for him to take, to hold.

He does, and all the noise in his head dulls into the faintest hum.

“You don’t have to say anything. You don’t have to. I get it, it’s okay,” you reassure Joel softly, the squeeze on his hand anchoring him to the present.

A minute comes and goes. Then a low rasp: “I-I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” you say, offering him a smile that manages to take a slight heaviness off his chest. “We’ll pretend it never happened.”

Joel could only nod in response. Part of him is grateful to be able to move on from this. To pretend, to forget. But he can’t escape the ache that lingers like a ghost haunting his heart.

“Ellie will be back in a sec. How ‘bout coming with us to the stables? Make me that cup of coffee along with yours, and we can take them to go.”

Joel shrugs his shoulders, which carry the weight of the unknown. He's not sure if he can trust himself around you at the moment. Doesn't want to make yet another wrong move with you. "You sure? I-I got… stuff to do. Gotta check the bathroom sink, faucet's been kinda leakin' and—"

"No, don't," you whisper, echoing his words earlier, though yours is much gentler. "You don't have to hide yourself away. We're friends, aren't we?"

Friends.

Yes.

That you two are, Joel is reminded of. And friends don't fall for each other, do they?

Pretend and forget. Joel's done that before to survive. Pushed down all his grief and guilt to keep himself going. He would bury his love for you just as easily, anything to avoid the raw intensity that he doesn't know what to do with, which terrifies him.

“Friends,” Joel repeats in a murmur. He pulls his gaze away from yours once more, but settles it this time on the warm, steady hands that hold his. “Don’t have too much of those.”

You hum quietly, thumb tracing over his knuckles. “Well, at least you’ve got me.”

Joel smiles softly at that. Stillness descends once more, but no longer does it thrum with thick tension. It doesn't swallow him up whole, unlike before. No, not when you’re there tethering him to the ground beneath his feet.

He has you, and perhaps that’s just enough. What you already have is good. It's safe and easy. He's content with it. Truly. He doesn’t need to chase after something more, something that’s unpredictable.

Because that’s what love is to Joel—it’s a gamble. It demands pieces of him, only to offer uncertainty in return.

"Yeah. Yeah I do," he sighs in agreement. “Head on inside, let’s go make you that coffee.”

Before Joel steps towards the door, he pauses. Looking down on your intertwined hands, he lets his linger in the gentle clasp of yours for a few more, slow seconds. Then, with a final fleeting squeeze, his fingers loosen reluctantly, and he lets you go.

—

➥ MASTERLIST