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gnabbang · 2 months ago

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we hug now - sydney rose

~2.5k words

warnings: mentions of death, dealing with loss of a loved one, and poor writing (it's been a hot minute since I've actually written anything so this is to just dip my toes in- feedback is appreciated!)

(we hug now inspired this- i was in a mood)

not proof read- like at all!

⠀⠀⠀‿ ⠀⠀ ׅ ㅤ⠀⠀⠀ 𝆬 ⠀⠀ ε❤︎︭з⠀⠀ 𝆬 ⠀⠀⠀ ׅ ‿

Growing up, all I ever wanted to be was a kpop star. I grew up with an older sister, and all she listened to was kpop, all she watched were kdramas. I had been surrounded by it since my eyes first opened. My parents as well, but as I got older they slowly became more attracted to western pop culture.

My sister was one of my biggest inspirations, she was everything I wanted to grow up to be. She was kind, and smart, and I constantly found myself up against a wall, the words in my vocabulary not articulate enough to accurately put into words what she meant to me.

Then suddenly my whole world came crashing down, because she was no longer in it.

After she passed, I wanted nothing to do with what reminded me of her. I didn't listen to kpop anymore, in fact I didn't listen to music period. I didn't turn on the TV because all it would remind me of is the two of us, late at night watching shows together, trying to quiet our giggles while throwing snacks at each other.

Then slowly, like things tend to do, it started getting easier, not better, but easier. I could listen to one of her favorite songs and only cry just a little, instead of a lot. I could watch a show, and enjoy it without feeling guilty about it, without feeling her missing presence, without feeling the gaping hole in my heart where she will forever occupy, but only in my mind- because I would never feel her touch again, never feel her warmth.

Eventually my dream began rearing its ugly head again, almost as if it was giving me time to heal. At first I was very against it, it just didn't seem right without my sister. But the more I thought about it, about her and about how she supported my dream, how she would watch me dance, help me in areas I struggled, and help me learn lyrics and tunes to songs. So eventually I sent in videos to any entertainment company that I saw was holding auditions. Eventually I was invited to do a private audition with JYP and got accepted into their trainee program.

I worked the hardest I ever had. I stayed late and got up early to train. I busted my ass, brought myself back from the breaking point more times than I could count, all for my sister. At the beginning this had been my dream, but now, I feel like it's become our dream, and I was determined to succeed, not matter what it took.

And so that's how I got here.

It was close to eleven o'clock at night, I assumed most people were gone, I was accustomed to staying late, and today I needed the quiet of a training room especially. My parents had already called, the tears between us had already been spilt, but I hadn't given myself a moment to cry just for myself, for my sister. Not my parents' oldest daughter, for my best friend.

I was sitting on the wood floor of the training room, my legs crisscrossed and a guitar in my arms, strumming gently to We Hug Now by Sydney Rose. I sang the lyrics softly, each syllable a punch in the throat. I could feel my throat drying, and slowly closing, my voice becoming scratchier and smaller as I continued. I wasn’t focused on perfection instead I chose to focus on how the song made me feel, the sadness, the bitter sweet happiness and the other feelings that I refused to name or give acknowledgment to; anger, frustration and betrayal.

In the most recent days after her passing I was sad, yes, but also unbelievably angry with her. How dare she leave me, how dare she. She broke her promise! I remember screaming at my parents the night they told me what had happened, remembering them saying words like terrible accident…died on route to the hospital… things I had heard, but hadn’t comprehended. She promised she’d always be here for me! I couldn’t fathom living in a world, growing up in a place where I didn’t have my sister. My sissy. It was a nickname I hadn’t called her since I was a child, something I had grown out of as we got older and eventually just started calling her by her name, or idiot, or stupid head. What I wouldn’t give to be able to call her sissy one more time.

Slowly as the song went on and as I sang the lyrics the tears came, welling up in my eyes making my vision blurry before they overflowed and began spilling down my cheeks. I finished the song with a crack in my voice and put the guitar down against the polished wood floors. I bent down, laying my forehead against my shins and finally let myself sink into the overwhelming grief of losing not only your sister but your best friend, your better half. It felt like I was 17 again, relearning what it felt like to live in a world where her room wasn't just a door down from mine, where we didn't find out who got priority over the car. All of the scenarios that neither of us will ever get to experience with each other were running through my head; She'll never be my maid of honor, I'll never get to see her walk down the aisle, I'll never get to be an aunt.

I had been trying to keep my crying to myself but I couldn't help the small sob that escaped past my lips, and once one was out it was like the dam I had been trying to keep up began cracking, breaking apart at the seams and I couldn't keep quiet any longer. I couldn't control it, my mind was doing its own thing, creating scenarios that would never come to pass and-

"Hey, are you okay?"

My head snapped up and instantly my mouth glued itself shut. A few tears escaped my eyes but the shock of someone else being in the training room with me had momentarily scared the rest of the tears and sadness away, all that was left was a deep embarrassment that caused my whole face to go red and words to escape my mind. I stared at the man before me without saying anything, eyes wide, face slowly but surely turning a bright pink.

He looked a bit unsettled by my silence but also determined to make sure I was alright. "Sorry I don't mean to intrude but I heard you...crying in here and I just wanted to check in and make sure everything was okay," I blinked, clearing the last of the tears from my eyes and stared at him, taking in his features. His hair was curly, not in a permed way either, in a natural kind of way. His lips were full as well, slightly uneven with his bottom being a bit more full than the top, his brows here furrowed together, his concern evident on his face.

His eyes were locked into my face and it took me a second before I could find the words to respond. "I'm fine," I said quickly, once I could actually speak words again. "I didn't realize anyone could here me- yikes that's a bit embarrassing," I chuckled and tried to play it as a joke, something that could be laughed at, but all he did was stare at me, like he saw right through the act.

Before I knew it he was sitting down next to me, his legs crossing and his hands in his lap, his stare knowing. "Do you want to talk about it?" I knew that if, in that moment, I said nothing and left, he wouldn't say a word to anyone, he didn't have to say it, I saw it in his eyes. He was good, and not in that fake way, his soul was good through and through, an angel at heart. In a way, he reminded me of my sister. Someone so good that you could tell not even five minutes into knowing them. It brought tears back to my eyes, to which I turned away from him, blinking heavily, trying to get rid of them.

When I got my tears back under control and turned to face him, he was looking at me, the most patient expression on his face. We'll take this however you want it, he seemed to be saying. I swallowed, willing myself to breathe.

"It's the four year anniversary of my sister's passing," I watched his face as I said the words, watching him absorb them, watching the pity take over his features. I had to swallow back more tears and breathe through my mouth to help open my throat back up.

He nodded slowly and looked at me, as if waiting for me to continue.

"It's hard every year," I murmured, no longer able to hold eye contact with him, and instead focused my attention to the loose threads coming off of my baggy t-shirt. "But this, being here, this was my dream, a dream she had always tried to help me achieve. She would help me with my dancing technique, come with me to dance classes so I could improve, help me learn lyrics and sing them with me. She was...she was good, you know? Down to her bones, just one of the best people I knew." My voice broke and I felt a fresh wave of tears make the trek down my cheeks and onto the fabric of my shirt, getting soaked up by the cloth.

"It feels weird being here without her. Like imposter syndrome almost. Like I shouldn't be here when I know she isn't here, you know? Not like here training, but here in the world with me - she was supposed to stay with me dammit-" I put a hand over my eyes, pressing the pads of my fingers into them in an attempt to stop the crying. I felt a hand on my shoulder and leaned into it unconsciously, the warmth of the man beside me acting like a blanket almost. His hand rubbed my shoulder, and occasionally my back.

He didn't say anything, he didn't give any comforting words, or anything in an attempt to make me feel better, and I appreciated him immensely for it. What could be said? Nothing you say to any one that has experienced a loss will make them feel better, because someone they loved is gone. Not gone even, they're dead. That is a hurt that no words could ever take away, or heal.

Once I felt myself calm back down I sat up quickly and whipped my face, avoiding eye contact with him. "I am so sorry," I said hastily, "I can't believe I cried on you like that- that's so embarrassing," I laughed to myself and glanced at him from the corner of my eye, only to see him shaking his head.

"Don't apologize, what you went through..." He shook his head once more and seemed lost in thought for a moment. "It's something words can't describe. I'm sorry for you. For your family, for anyone who knew your sister. She sounds wonderful." I nodded in agreement and tilted my head back, smiling despite the few lingering tears sliding down from my eyes towards my jaw and disappearing into the hair on the nape of my neck.

"I'm Chan," He said softly, and as I turned to look at him I felt myself pail. "Oh my goodness," I said to myself, shock making my eyes go wide. I just cried on the shoulder of the leader of Stray Kids.

I brought my head to my hands that had been resting on my legs and shook out of disbelief. "Wow- just when I thought I couldn't embarrass myself any more," I looked up at him and winced slightly- his features suddenly seemed so much more familiar without the haze of sadness and tears clouding my vision.

"I am so sorry- again- if I had known-" He cut me off with a look and shook his head at me.

"Don't, don't be sorry. It doesn't matter who I am. What you went through...is, is horrible to say the least. I've seen people crumble and fall over less, so just- be proud of what your doing and the strength it takes to do it. Carrying on after a loved one has passed isn't an easy thing to do. You shouldn't ever apologize for giving yourself a minute or two to get in touch with your feelings, especially on a day like today."

I was stunned by his words. I wasn't apart of the Stray Kids fandom, but I had heard from friends who were that he was one of the most caring and kind people they had seen. I tend to take things like that with a grain of salt, especially if they're celebrities because its easy to put on a mask when the cameras are around but Chan truly was a good person. I wanted to thank him, but I didn't think a word I could say would truly describe how he helped me, even if it was just for five minutes or so. So I leaned over and gave him a quick hug, murmuring a soft thank you to him.

I leaned back onto my heels and gave him a shy smile. "When I woke up this morning this is not how I expected my day to go but, it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, so thank you. For helping relieve some of my pain, truly I am...I am so grateful."

He stared up at me, smiling. "Of course..." His head tilted to the side, like he was missing a piece of information before it clicked in my head. "Oh! Sorry- it's [name]," I stuck a hand out and gave his a small shake, bending at the waist the best I could given the position I was in.

"Well, [name], if its any consolation I think your sister would be very proud of you and what your accomplishing." He stood then, and I followed, his words striking me like an arrow to the heart.

"Make sure you're not up to late okay? Being a trainee is no joke- you need to make sure you're well rested." I nodded and bowed properly this time.

"Thank you so much, again." I saw him nod just before he slipped out of the training room. Once he was gone I stood there, slightly light headed and swaying on my feet, a bit dazed and confused. Did that really just happen?

I turned around, grabbing my guitar and the rest of my belongings and left the practice room, making sure the lights were off before I shut the door. As I made my way to my dorm room I thought about what he said, about my sister being proud of me and felt my heart warm in my chest. I liked thinking she was at times, but hearing someone else confirm that belief made a world of difference.

Chan was special, one of the good ones. And I had been lucky enough to witness that goodness first hand, to be on the receiving end of said goodness and compassion.

⠀⠀⠀‿ ⠀⠀ ׅ ㅤ⠀⠀⠀ 𝆬 ⠀⠀ ε❤︎︭з⠀⠀ 𝆬 ⠀⠀⠀ ׅ ‿

i feel like this is kind of all over the place but its lowkey been a long day and I honestly wanted to get over the hurdle of posting my first lil story

sorry if it doesn't make any sense i'll try and work on organizing better in the future- thanks!

#stray kids #bangchan #bangchan x reader #kpop #straykids #trainee #jype #christopher bang

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