#transfem pest save me...

[u-and-m3]

white board drawings am i right /sil

theres like 100 damn tags btw

[milf--adjacent]

As a girl who realized she was a lesbian before she even conceived of transitioning as an option, it all hits different. Femininity has always been a standard and an ideal in my life. I despised the ways the boys acted, especially towards girls. I was the first of my age group to develop romantic feelings, and I was mocked heavily for it. I was a literal laughing stock for giving my 3rd grade crush a box of chocolates for Valentine's day one year: Literally an entire classroom of children broke into crying laughter because "omg you like a girl!" And they mocked me for it for years after, I'm talking like classmates caling me "Romeo" and shit all the way through junior high. They could tell, even then, the way I loved girls was "wrong." It didn't stop me from loving girls and loving them differently too. At age 11, I came to an understanding of the term lesbian, and it was the most beautiful thing I had ever heard. One of my friends joked about how much I love girls, and I told him, "yeah, because I'm a lesbian." They thought it was a great joke, so I never told anyone about that feeling again. For years, I felt like a sex pest at best because of that secret. The straight girls I dated were comically offended by my sensitivity and the way I would worship their bodies (the last I heard of my high school girlfriend, she was banging as many guys as possible looking for one who could make her come like I did lmao). I never let go of the idea of being a lesbian: woman is holy, woman is devine, woman is deserving of protection and whatever she desires. One girl I dated commented that I "kiss like a girl" when she was listing reasons why she wanted to break things off. Anothe friend (who later turned out to be a lesbian herself) was obsessed with how girly my hands were, how clean I kept my nails, how (unlike any of the other boys) my skin was soft and I smelled good because I moisturized and shit. It wasn't until I got out of a really abusive relationship with a girl who wanted me to be more manly and literally punched and kicked me into acting more the way she wanted that I started looking at what I want. It was then that I was introduced to a trans lesbian in my early years of college. We didn't meet long enough for her to crack my egg, but the possibility of being a trans woman who loves women had never occurred to me: besides transmisogynistic caricatures in media, my only exposure to trans women had been porn geared toward straight men. I thought desiring men was a *prerequisite* to transitioning. Weirdly enough, it was around then some of the big porn sites started making trans lesbian porn and that was like, the beak poking through the egg just like... "Woah.... A trans woman who wants to eat pussy... A trans woman who wants to be with other trans women the same way she wants to be with cis women. This is me. I'm that. I've been that!"

I was lucky to be with a very supportive (and kinky lmao) girl at the time. She had already encouraged me to crossdress in the bedroom (because she thought my legs looked nice in a dress), so I didn't have to leap of faith too far to tell her how I felt. It was still a process: "Nonbinary but feminine. She/They and a new name. I'm gonna wear a dress to Xs house party." Until I was finally Nadica.

It's such a unique challenge being a transfem lesbian. In the wide world of straightness, there's only one kind of faggot, and they're all just failed men. But that doesn't even start to describe the gelato shop that is faggotry: there's over 21 flavors, honey, and every time you complain, we make four more. If there was one thing I could go back in time and change about my life, it would be introducing a younger me to trans lesbianism at a much younger age. It would have saved me a lot of grief. It would have made me safer. It would have made me a happier person to just have an answer to the simple question "why do I feel so different?" Our society looks at everyone and goes "that's right, it goes in the square hole" while a non-ignorable percentage of us scream and cry like the girl watching that guy put all the blocks through the square hole. I wish I had a nice way to end this, but everything just kinda gushed out of me. I should be eating lunch and working but instead I'm frantically oversharing about my experiences with lesbianism as a trans woman on tumblr dot com lol.

I feel like being a transfem dyke is different in a loooot of ways that cis dykes and even transmasc dykes don't begin to realize