#trigger warning:suicidal thoughts

[kichimiangra]

Random thought: Trigger Warning Suicide.

Telling a suicide survivor who is trying to comfort another suicide survivor whom, the second person is only 3 days out from the event having happenned and maybe needs some comfort and to be felt like they are heard, only for the two to be told to watch their language and should instead use the word "Unalive" instead of "suicide" is super fucking disrespectful.

It's not a happy word. It's not a word that illicit positive emotions. It shouldn't be censored into a more palatable word, a more marketable word, or even a less triggering word, and to tell someone who is suffering and someone who has been there that is trying to comfort the other that they are not allowed to call the action what it is... is kinda scummy. And gross.

[yessenia-picked-oolong]

Vent

So last night I had  bad night. I’ll take this moment to clarify that I've never been diagnosed with depression, save when I was a senior in high school and my pediatrician at the time said I had ‘situational depression’ which I’m not even sure is a real thing, and I went to a set amount of therapy sessions. Since then, I’ve refused to even bring up the possibility with the doctor. My mother and older sister have depression, and I violently reject what it does to them by refusing to see it in myself. Sometimes I have to wonder. 

Last night I found out that I will not be getting a tax refund. Oh no, I in fact owe the IRS $1100 over an old debt consolidated college loan that I still paid taxes and interest on, which no one really explains when they claim to want to help you, and bless me having the father I have because he decided to pay it with his refund and I would pay him back without interest. Add in the guilt, the resentment of my own stupidity, the stress of struggling financially, and a careless and cruel comment from my youngest sister, and I went back to a very dark place I actually hadn’t seen since high school. 

I looked up various painless ways to go through with ending life. Every single thought running through my head centered around how my life insurance policy was of a lot more use to my family than I as a physical person. Nothing was helping, even a faith I sometimes fight tooth and nail to keep. I was asking for signs and something or someone to reach out, and lemme tell you, when a sign doesn’t come in the way you want you take it as a sign that it never will and the moment is right. Yet here I am. Why?

Because killing yourself is a really easy way to make sure your family gets nothing. And I was like, damn, I wanted to be less of a burden, not a bigger one. So I forced myself to get up and get dressed and brush my teeth and prepare for the day. I have to get paid, and maybe get a second job for a season or two, and I’ll pay my father back as quickly as I can. I’ll separate from negative and selfish youngest sister for a bit and I’ll try not to walk around like everyone can see what a failure I am. And I’ll get things done because there’s no other choice. Eso si que. 

I’m so numb, but numb is one of the few negative emotions I like. When I’m numb, I just look tired, and my mind isn’t whirring a million miles a minute. Numbness means, in my case specifically, a distinct lack of pain that I’m not fighting to be rid of with loss of life. When I’m numb I can logic things away, and since it’s done without use of third party things, there’s no effect on my health sans mental. Writing has always been my saving grace. Even writing this short cry out into the void of the internet world is helping the weight on my chest. 

I won’t be happy for a few months. When moods get like this with me, I can practically give you the closest holiday I’ll be truly okay again. But it will pass. I’ll have to plan, I’ll have to substitute bad vices with good ones until I can trust myself with moderation, but everything eventually passes. Eventually I’ll be okay. Eventually will come. Someday. Hopefully, I’ll be able to enjoy it when it finally does come. 

[welldangprr]

i kind of ... need some help

my depression has hit an all time low and even going to the gym doesn't seem to be working

when i think about my examinations that are coming up, i get major anxiety 

and even thinking about universities almost gives me a panic attack 

so i want to go on antidepressants 

but i don't know how to tell my mom because last time my psychologist told me to go to psychiatrist she completely ignored me 

and every time she found out that i was suicidal she got so angry and started blaming me for "trying to hurt her" 

i don't want that to happen again 

i'm so scared i'm not gonna survive this year if this goes on 

i just want some help 

i don't want to think "what if..." every time i see a truck 

i want to be happy, i want to go to drama school and succeed but i don't see any of that in my future 

all i see is darkness and i am tired of it