#trying and failing to go back to sleep
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when do you think notmc fell for Sylus?
There wasn’t one singular instance. It was a culmination of things.
How he respected her despite what he was capable of. How he offered protection, though it wasn’t stifling, still allowing her room to make her own mistakes and reap the consequences of them. How he personally saw to some of her wounds in his private quarters, chiding her for being reckless.
How he smirked at her, a way that bled amusement with affection burbling beneath. The omniscient glances from across the room. Lethal eye contact when it was just the two of them. Accidental brushes of fingers, legs, hips. Pursed lips, darkened eyes. Leaning towards her while she talked, considerate stares when he turned over the information she fed him in his mind.
The teasing, the banter, the concern snuck beneath a playful jab. The comfortable silence. The way every flirtation felt like it carried a secret weight. How he recalled the smallest, seemingly most insignificant things about her she was sure she had tucked away.
He made her smile. Made her laugh an unattractive, goofy sound. Made her feel aligned and grounded. Safe. He knew the intricacies of her past, and yet he didn’t let it deter him. He didn’t walk on eggshells around her, never disrespected her, or reminded her of the person she once was. He wasn’t her crutch, but he was like antiseptic on festering wounds.
She knew she was falling hard when she looked into his eyes, and red became her favorite color. She knew she fell when she started comparing him to sunsets and fire and rubies and the fog of early mornings. When her pulse quickened, when her throat thickened, when her hands were all clammy, and she was stumbling over her feet and words whenever he held her with that devastating gaze or laughed that smoky laugh.
It was a gradual descent into chaos. She had no intention of falling for him, but he laughed a little too disarmingly, and she knew she was a fucking goner.
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percy needs to be haunted by bianca's ghost more
#percy jackson#bianca di angelo#she doesn't even have to do it herself#he is just trapped in the horror of watching someone die and never recovering from the guilt that follows#like i thin we should talk more about how she was the first permanent death of the series and the first death he really witnessed#i think he should be more deranged by it tbh#painfully devoted to nico's health and happiness in a way that skips the border of unhealthy and jumps straight into fucked up#even better if bianca doesn't care. and nico has moved on. so the only person who is stuck in this void of misery about it is percy#and he can't emerge. no matter what he does no matter the time that passes she is always there in the back of his mind#a reminder of the first time he failed to protect someone else.#a reminder of his selfishness. his inability to follow through on promises. of his powerlessness. his uselessness.#in tbotl he finds out that nico doesn't care about him or his soul. he doesn't want percy dead. and percy is weirdly gutted by this#he needs nico to hate him and it freaks him out that nico doesn't. he's clearly upset but percy isn't centered in it the way you'd think.#nico has his own mission and percy is barely a side note in it and he's so bothered by that. it drives him up the wall#how selfish is it to be upset with someone for not hating you because you got their sister killed?#he hates himself so much. he wants to die so bad. but he can't. he has to keep going. for nico. for bianca. he doesn't have a choice#happy talks pjo#okay it is 3:36am and i am. going to try to sleep now
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fell asleep at 6pm woke up at 11pm awesome
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No one ever mentions how on the QnA PE has a 30% cargo loss which?? That could mean only the order is broken but. It’s space the crew is also definitely dead so the Tulpar is just one lost ship in the many cases that PE just throws their hands up on. well you just can’t beat those prices!
This is exactly why it’s so frustrating when people ignore the way P.E’s negligence and lack of care/concern for their employees influences their decisions/behavior.
Like they don’t really care if 30% of their workers regularly go missing or get lost. You think they care if they had locks or adequate training? You think they left supplies on that ship to add them in case of emergency or conflicts? They don’t have adequate medical supplies and even on a regular trip the crew has rations, no abundance and implied very little extra and they STILL added an extra person. If we look at that early HR complaint info graphic they make it extremely difficult to file or make complaints, not to mention actively discouraging it with how many penalties are directly attached to having personal/co-worker conflicts.
They really only want employees there to work and little else. No real enrichment, no real privacy and no back up in case anyone gets hurts, hurts someone else or they get in trouble. I mean Curly really made a point in realizing that no one checks on the fucking nurse for evals! Was it too late? Yeah. But that is something the pony express needed to handle and require, not a Captain with no training or experience in their own medical course as Curly’s crew isn’t the only one who has likely faced these problems.
P.E. Is so oppressive and actively malicious to their employees I can’t fathom how they lasted so long without the literal Geneva convention coming for their ass with how many human rights violations they have.
#literally mouthwashing would not have happened like the plot without the negligence and incompetence of PE#and how capitalism rarely cares about the health and happiness of the workers especially those more vulnerable#people forget that and try to make it solely a game about personal failings when those failings are also directly tied to the environment#and the lack of resources provided because omg they did not just have locks to put on the ship! Anya cannot just sleep in the open and#necessarily public medial room cause like when she’s not asleep all her shit would be accessible to the rest of the male crew like think#every idea has a draw back cause PE doesn’t care! they don’t care about keeping them safe that’s the point#you can care but one person can’t stop or fix deep seated systemic issues in one. quick go#mouthwashing#mouthwashing game#ask#anon#the pony express
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I have traveled far beyond the path of reason, take me back to Eden
edit: more context in the tags of the root post
#sleep token#sleep token fanart#levynn tries to draw#so the thought behind this..#there was a lot but in short#the concept is that the moth represents vessel mostly#the masks are the past cycles or states of being#essentially they represent the past selves of the individual#and the moth is chasing those past memories and feelings and familiar things even if they kill it#and Sleep is basically trying to protect them from that#by physically pulling them back#but i wanted to have the tentacles a sort of insect like feel to them#to somewhat evoke a spider in a way so that protection still probably going to harm the moth#and beyond that maybe even play on the idea of it trapping the insect and maybe even consume it up after a period of time#so the moth is both trying to escape that reach but also chasing that pull of the beacon like familiarity of the past#there is no escape#there is no reason left#no options just what is behind and what is in front#stuck between the two#in a way this is an iteration on my idea of the vessel failing and getting lost on the journey at the very end#anyway this was a fun little one day project and i hope you enjoy it at least half as much as i did drawing it
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marvel doodle 2 electric boogaloo… another redraw of an old drawing bc these two have been my main dps in marvel rivals recently … playing galactic fangs hawkeye i love you
#love their rivals designs but the way I used to draw them is so ingrained in my brain#was too lazy to do their rivas designs but i WILL EVENTUALLY!!!!#doodle#star lord#hawkeye#marvel#don’t have enough brain energy for a new comp with them but im trying to draw more x_x#clint barton#peter quill#clint I love u baby giirrlllll#I have his galactic fangs costume so you KNOW im going crazy w him#peter is my fun ‘I wanna complete challenges and play for funsies’ dps#it’s 3 am. sleep time . fight the urge to get back on rivals.#can’t wait for hawkeye to be nerfed . Bigtime fail
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can we talk about the ending to shubble’s afterlife series?? please??
like yes, mechanically, she lost her tenth life. she jumped and died from fall damage. but that’s not how she ended the story.
shulk shubble (shulkble?) had just witnessed the death of the only other person properly remaining, the inverse of herself, shadow joey/shadow boy/shadow 2.0. the last thing she wanted to do was watch the sunset and have a picnic, the one thing she endlessly craved on her first life back when she was the shadow.
“everybody’s kind of.. long gone and dead. onto the next… life. after-afterlife?”
“…i don’t really know what comes next.”
and then she simply vanishes. she simply says this is goodbye, and then the camera is obscured by a stray leaf and she’s gone. it’s quiet, there’s just the sound of the wind as it goes dark.
she always loved watching the sun.
#THIS IS THE SHIT THAT KEEPS ME UP AT NIGHT#WHAT DOES THIS MEAN. WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS MEAN#DOES SHE JUST FADE AWAY???#DOES SHE LEAVE??????#DOES SHE. TAKE HER OWN LIFE??? I DON’T KNOWWWWWWWWW#WHAT THE FUCK MAN IT IS 1 IN THE MORNING BUT I CAN’T SLEEP BECAUSE I REMEMBERED THIS BULLSHIT#WHY IS IT SO SAD AND VAGUE#WE DON’T EVEN KNOW IF SHRUB/THE WOLF SPIRIT WAS ACTUALLY THERE OR IF IT WAS JUST A NON CANON CAMEO#BUT LIKE SHE USED PORTAL SOUNDS UPON SHRUB’S INTRODUCTION FOR A REASON RIGHT?????#BUT DOES THIS MEAN SHRUB DIES AS THE WOLF SPIRIT????#DID SHE EVER GET HOME????#DOES SHRUB = SHADOW = CAT THIEF = WYVERIAN = TIT = SHULKBLE??????????????#ALSO AGAIN WHERE IS SHULKBLE!!!!!!!!!???????#every day i get closer to writing a post canon afterlife fic about shulkble processing grief#maybe just almost embracing death when finding oli#bascially back from the dead for all intents and purposes#and going with him to empires smp?#two falses drama. two shelbys drama. gem is going to be one confused larper#even better if you’re like me and consider one block canon. i wonder if shulkble would recongize something about the shulk tear#anyways i’m insane and maybe should try going to bed. maybe#me be normal about a minecraft series that ended 2 years ago challenge (failed)#shubble
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Yume no Kakera: A mysterious hourglass that governs the history of school idols heretofore and hereafter. That dream will never fade.
Yume no Hane: A fragment of a mechanical wing that governs the history of school idols heretofore and hereafter. That dream will continue to make great strides wherever it goes.
Yume no Kotowari: A futile ⚫ of gospel that colo⚫ the eternal reincarnation ⚫ school idols heretofore and hereaft⚫r. That dream will ⚫⚫⚫
#WHY IS THIS ONE SO LONG TOO#sitting in my drafts for a couple hours bc i got Embarry again#i admittedly dont like this theory compared to God Kaho but either way yume no kotowari is linked to 102#whether they be the cause or the motivation#the yume series is connected in some way to the dearly graduated senpai. but i think it changes depending on whether its#what the senpai *passed down* to their kouhai or what the kouhai *received* from their senpai#like safely passing doribiri intact to your kouhai is the hidden goal for your yume series item#104 yume after sachi graduated was wings. sachi gave her kouhai wings which gave them the freedom to continue the club#i think (want to believe) 103 yume the hourglass represents the time sachi spent with her 99 senpai in each of the units#then 105 yume the futile ⚫. is it because 102 *passed down* a SAKURA doribiri but in doing so corrupted it into an adabana#or that 103 *received* a flower but their (kaho's) actions trying to bring them back are corrupting the cycle of school idol graduations#by trying to go beyond the ordained limited time they had with 102 they prevented would be 105 from blooming with them. hence the adabana#dream will not fade bc it was successfully passed down. will make great strides bc of what sachi did for them#but kotowari's dream. hangs in the balance. depends what happens this year#or like whatever. oh my god i sound insane#like ive talked about hasu's horror potential this is good for me#gemitus#just remembered edel note is probably gonna be a fourth unit the tradition of doribiri is so over theyve failed#ok posting and then i go to sleep ive only thought about this for like eight hours#long post#there is also speculation re the fact doribiri idoliseds have floating items#whereas (basically) every other card is a photoshoot. like when does the 103 doribiri cover art take place ykwim. it wasnt april 2023#like theres a difference between sic the app They're using and llll the app We're using right
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#vent post#cw dysphoria#cw ed#today had such good potential to be a relatively relaxing and decent day where i could rest and recover a bit#aaaaand then heRE COMES DYSPHORIA WITH A STEEL CHAIR!!!#sitting here stress-eatinf cookie dough and crying over the fact that my fat stomach and hips will never let me pass#even in the worst depts of my disordered eating and restriction and exercise i still couldnt rid myself of them#i can bind and pack and wear different clothes but i cant change my face and my body shape#well ofc its technically possible but it isnt within the realm of whats realistically possible for me#'youve just gotta make your shoulders wider to even things out' ok how 'just go on T and diet and exercise for 5 years! 😁'#'oh yeah this advice assumes that you have the ability to safely procure a T prescription and can pay for it and the regular appointments#to monitor your hormone levels. and also it requires you to have an able body without chronic pain that prevents you from exercising!'#ok thanks guess ill die then#for legal reasons that was hyperbole#the answer to so many of my problems is just Lose Weight! as if i javent been trying and failing to do so for more than half of my life#'plenty of cis men have wide hips! all you really need to pass is a masc face and well-fitting clothes!'#okay. i have a fat baby face capable of producing approx. 15 chin hairs & when i wear fitted clothes i look like a pixar mom w/ a beer gut#tfw the hormone disorder makes u look like a person with a hormone disorder and not like a conventionally attractive cis person 🫠#man i had such a good long streak of body acceptance and then out of fucking nowhere i hate everythign about it#this is ghe last goddamn thing i need on my plate right now.#now ive wasted the entire afternoon and evening shopping for things to help and i ultimately bought nothing and just upset myself worse#fucked my back and leg up yesterday and so today i struggled to even balance and walk. man i cant Lift Weights i need physical therapy#and now on top of the mental anguish and physical pain and hatred of who i am as a person i Also hate my body again !#genuinely what is the fucking point. im so tired#anyways. itll pass or whatever. time to eat a dinner i dont need and try to fill in a coloring page or some sort of harmless distraction#how the fuck is it already almost 10. maybe ill just go to sleep
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Nothing like not being out to anyone to remind you that you are in fact non binary.
the amount of times my friends call me and @ratdetector-x11 ma’am is ridiculous. Literally anything else would be fine. But no. Always ma’am.
#and I just got my report back#The amount of she’s in there was painful#but I don’t feel like coming out rn#so that’s fun#Yay!#11:07 thoughts#yes that is the time#yes I am trying to go to sleep#Yes I am failing
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Now I hate to say it but I think rt!Labrys would be a commissar too...they'd be dogmatic as all fuck. Besties with Argenta. Probably romance Kibellah. Idira? Dead. Jae? Dead. Yrliet? Dead. Marazhai? As much as I really, really want to put them in a room together...yeah, they'd kill him too.
Bg3 Lazarus would be a fallen paladin turned warlock. Oathbreaker, whatever, we've been through my hatred of 5e paladins. Wyll, Karlach and Gale would all hate him. He'd romance Minthara, probably, or maybe Astarion -- he loves feeling big and important, so he'd fall for Astarion's façade 100%, although the relationship wouldn't last. Wouldn't ally with Gortash but would still steal his plan beat for beat and try to use the brain for world domination.
Soft launching Hariasa as my dogmatic rt's name -- she'd be a real paladin in bg3, of Tyr or perhaps Lathander. I wanna give her Iomedae, but, alas. She'd be oath of conquest I think (idk or care if that's a bg3 option) and I think she'd probably romance either Lae'zel or Sharran Shadowheart.
Tathlynn in rt would be a crime lord. I think they'd lean iconoclast with a fair amount of dogmatic thrown in. They'd be drawn to Yrliet or Cassia or maybe dom!Marz I think.
#ash.txt#how is it still 25 degrees at 1 am#I think I'm maybe delirious I have Not had enough to drink today#we had a thunderstorm for like. maybe five minutes. it was stopping raining by the time I'd gotten out of bed and ran across the house to#go out on the balcony#now I am going to try and get some sleep wish me luck lol#if you see me back on here. I failed
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already Some Kinda Week and it's only Monday
#fiance's scratched cornea didn't fully heal and flared up Horribly yesterday#but like Everything is closed on Sundays and I didn't get out of bed until like 3pm so the few places open closed in an hour#and we just didn't have time to go anywhere (I was not aware he was unwell or I would not have languished in bed)#and then today the eye doctor at his work called out for a family emergency so that plan went out the window too#thankfully he did feel better today and we got some new better eye drops for him in the interim#but he was not well enough to drive himself to work so I took him#and had Bad experiences driving as always (can't wait to see what happens when I pick him up tonight)#and my stomach is fucking Awful today because of course it is! why wouldn't it be!!#and we're supposed to leave on Thursday for a trip and if his eye isn't better/needs more than just medicated drops#we might have to cancel it which is going to gut him because he's been planning this for months#(I care less about the trip because 1) Florida and 2) Disney but he needed this and I'm not going to be a dick about it)#and I have not been able to sleep for longer than 4 hours at a time if I'm lucky#I woke up 2 hours before my alarm today and could not fall back asleep#getting hit with the ADHD Waiting Room effect of have to be somewhere in 7 hours so not allowed to do anything#could try to nap because even if it fails like all my naps do then at least I'll have gotten a good chunk of sleep#and likely will wake up in time anyways#hhhh- positive thoughts positive thoughts#sending many hugs to my mutuals I appreciate the messages and tags very much and when I am not bone weary exhausted#I will happily take part/reply#love you guys dearly I am so sleepy lmao
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not why i’ve been offline, but just found out my family dog died :(
#i gave him extra good pats goodbye at thanksgiving and christmas bc i knew it might be coming soon but thought i’d get to see him again#</3#miss being chronically on here and miss the mutuals#literally got offline the day challengers digital dropped#idiot#will be back to amke some stuff soon and for hotd hype train#also missed succession death date anniversary#failed blogger etc#okay going to try to go sleep and not be sad#p
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I love being a pathetic little Tumblr meow meow irl. I've had multiple people get kicked out of friend groups I'm in over and over bc they showed their true colours--aka they couldn't resist bullying someone so pathetic when coming across them and when everyone realizes that they weren't as progressive as they thought they're immediately excommunicated from the friend group.
#its 2 am and i cant sleep and i have a fever so im poasting#its always queer discoursers who go feral on sight for some reason#i get that my identity is like. THE queer discoursers worst nightmare. but its happened THREE TIMES#i have a PROTOCOL AT THIS POINT#literally just step back and dont respond and let them cannibalize on themselves as they try to either double down or make excuses.#they just tell on themselves worse and then leave after throwing a fit bc they couldnt lie about being progressive anymore#for those curious. the labels i personally like and share with others are polyamorous. asexual. he/they/it boydyke. femme transmasc.#basically if tumblr has had a hate campaign against a queer group im more than likely part of it. and ppl see this and assume im weak.#except im not! i would be dead if i werent resilient bestie! im like the problematic coquette cockroach in your walls!#and you cant exterminate me bitch! bigger people in my life have tried and failed! my own mother almost took me out more than once!#you think some mean words against my identity will make a genuine dent in my psyche?? for more than maybe two minutes??#sure yall can genuinely trigger my cptsd snd make me cry and panic. but so can my upstairs neighbors toddler when she jumps too loud.#so can the toddler that loves upstairs when she jumps too hard when playing. are yall really gonna stoop to a toddlers level?#to insult someone you dont even care about their existence besides that you disagree with their identity?#im terminally online and even i think this type of person needs a hobby at this point. and thats sad#its not a bother outside of the general turbulence it sometimes brings but the fsct that its happened 3 times makes me think its not over 💀#like once is chance. twice is a coincidence. thrice? in three separate groups ???? yeah nah this is a concerning pattern at this point lol#fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me three times? why are you lying to me so much 🥺
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"give me a beer, a lullaby, and a word in my ear" -guy at a speed dating event in my dream
#dream log#also had a dream that this green alien came up to me on the street and like wanted me to pick it up and take it somewhere#the like video game objective changed to#changed to go home#but i didnt know where that was so i just started running#but as i. running the alien is like bouncing and it starts blushing#and later when i put in down to kind ageg my bearings its like super wet#between the legs and im like. oh man i think i need to fuck this thing#and i know theirs a game mechannic where you can have sex in bushes and stiff but im like 'no ill just go home first' but when i pick the#alien back up i get a 'failed objective' notification cause i never made it home i guess :(#and another dream. i was back in middle school math. there was a seat that was right infront of and right next to two people i was friends#with plus super close to my crush (other side of my friend) and there was a guy sitting there#but he was like. literally a fly. so i snapped and he just dropped dead.#and i got to sit there. my friend then was like “see this?” and pointed to her lip#and i wa slike “yeah” even though i didnt see anything#and she was like “you can hide a lot of your burdens but you cant hide a hickey” and i was like. man. am i supposed to do somehting sbout#that? idk im pretty sure this is a dream. did she actually say this to me before? am i supposed to do somehting now?“. but then the dream#ended#THEN these are out of order but then i had a dream i was in some sort of summer camp thing? people kept going home. my friend M. went home#home and left me a bunch of her clothes. one of the guys asked some sort of question about sleeping with him. and i was like “no? lol.”#then i invited a different guy to come watch me change and that first guy was i guess also in the room and was like “you know people can se#you through the window right?“ and i was like ”duh. its ohio. thats kinda the point.“#so. whatever that one means.#THEN last one THEN my cousin drove me to an abandoned trailer to explore and it had “too lo” or something spray painted on it or somehting#so then he finished the word to say “too long” or somehting of that nature. and then spray panted the handle of the door blue#and we went in side but the inside was all done up? like really fucking fancy#the kitched was completely lainted in this van gogh style and my cousin goes “this isnt haunted... its fixed up.”#so wel left. i think be showed me something else before that too but i dont remember#in the summer camp one i spent a long time trying to find these snake/pomegranate earings? they were blue abd green
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Fascinatingly. Had a dream last night that starred a Tumblr mutual in it even though I notably have noooo clue what they look like. so I'm unsure whose face they got assigned by my brain. I also believe this may have been influenced by my getting my flu & COVID shot because I slept for 10 hours straight which. Doesn't happen to me
#phx news#i tend to always without fail wake up at like 8 or 9. then i have to try and go back to sleep if i want. then i wake up at 10#its noon !!
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