#trying to pull zack in to not be the biggest fucking idiot

[fairlyxlocal]

@geraniumplant

"--- they had me running laps... just to tire me out?" he tilts his head to the side.

"it didn't work."

[raptortext]

@knightadora asked: 40. Against a wall kiss - Zack/Cloud - FFVII

(ao3 link)

2,041 words, some kind of au, Reno’s here

“Man...this is really where Reno wanted to meet us, huh?” Zack muses.

Cloud is too miserable to let Zack know he couldn’t make out a damn word he said. It’s too loud in this club. It’s crowded. The only lights are colored and moving while they flash. The music is already pounding but to Cloud it’s an earthquake ripping into his head.

This fucking sucks.

Zack doesn’t seem too bothered by any of this; he’s always been immune to the stuff that gets to Cloud the most. Cloud is kicking himself over not thinking to bring those ear plugs Tifa got him. He knows exactly where they are and yet he left them behind like an idiot. He’s going to strangle Reno.

“Let’s get this over with,” Cloud says to himself, refusing to even try projecting anything he says to Zack.

“Let’s get this over with!” Zack yells down at Cloud who grimaces. Cloud nods and follows Zack closely, barely processing anything that’s going on around him.

He can vaguely hear Zack asking dancing people if they know who Reno is. When the answer is affirmative, which is most of the time, he asks if they’ve seen Reno around. Everyone says no.

“What a guy!” Zack shouts in Cloud’s direction and the tone is completely lost. “So private that he won’t come to you, not so private that everyone knows him, but then so private that no one knows where he is!”

Cloud does not give a shit anymore. This is a nightmare. This is too damn much just to get whatever Reno wants delivered. Why did he agree to pick it up from him? Why does he do anything for Reno anymore? When did Reno even get his personal cell phone number?

At some point—it feels like hours to Cloud—Zack realizes that Cloud isn’t all there. He grabs Cloud’s hand and starts leading him through the swarm of sweating, twisting bodies. Cloud is floating along, he barely feels the heat anymore and can only process the music as mind-numbing vibrations; lights aren’t supposed to be purple and blue and they sure as hell aren’t supposed to move. Maybe Reno tricked him into entering an alternate reality.

Suddenly he’s thrust into a small room lit with white light. He flinches and shuts his eyes tight. There’s no more deafening thunder and no more hordes but the light is too bright for a while.

“Hey...sorry buddy, I was trying to get us in and out and didn’t check on you. You alright?”

Cloud takes a deep breath and nods. “Yeah...yeah, now I am. Forgot my ear plugs.”

Zack rubs Cloud’s back until Cloud opens his eyes. Cloud looks around. They’re in a bathroom—a well kept one, at that. He’s not the biggest fan of white light but anything’s better than colorful strobe lights penetrating the darkness. He sighs and leans back against the wall.

“Is Reno trying to kill me…?” he groans. Zack chuckles.

“Just think of it this way: if he did, he wouldn’t have anyone to deliver his stuff.”

Cloud snorts. “I guess so.”

He holds his head for a moment and then looks up at Zack. Zack gets closer, places one hand on the wall and the other squeezing Cloud’s upper arm for comfort. “Need more time?”

“...Yeah.”

Zack nods. His eyes are so enchanting, beautiful. Cloud may only be half-present but he’s fully attracted to his best friend. He gets called “buddy” and he’s split between wanting to be with Zack more and trying to force the crush to stop. It’s been a few years and struggling to stop being into Zack hasn’t worked at all.

“Anything else I can do for you?” Zack offers.

Cloud sighs and shuts his eyes again.

“Be nice if you kissed me,” he murmurs, his lapse in presence making him briefly forget that Zack, who is in very close proximity, can hear him in this quiet bathroom. It takes him until Zack says something to realize what he did.

“Do you...really want to?” Zack asks for clarification. Cloud freezes up. This is...bad. He didn’t actually plan on this. He was ready to wait until the most tension-heavy moment to do or say anything, fully prepared for that opportunity to never arise.

But here he is. Stuck between Zack and a hard place being asked if he really wants to kiss Zack.

Great.

Cloud stammers for a moment, loses his cool. Zack is being patient and not giving any drastic reactions. He hasn’t moved away and hasn’t stopped applying pressure to Cloud’s arm. Cloud swallows. This is too much.

“...Yeah,” he admits, averting his gaze. “That wasn’t how I wanted to bring it up.”

Zack grins. “What? Were you gonna wait until we couldn’t take it anymore?”

Cloud pouts and Zack laughs. Zack knows him too well.

“I’m sure we have a little time to ourselves...unless Reno comes through that door in the next minute,” Zack suggests with a wink. Cloud rolls his eyes.

“Don’t summon him. Please.”

Zack smirks. “I think we’d have to say his name three time in the mirror or something, what do you think?”

Cloud shrugs. He looks into Zack’s eyes and relaxes his jaw; he didn’t know he was clenching it in the first place. “I think you should stop talking about Reno and kiss me,” he answers. Zack nods.

“You got it.”

There’s a moment before Zack kisses Cloud that feels like an eternity. Cloud closes his eyes and waits for that whole flash of time for Zack to kiss him. He’s struck with relief when Zack’s lips land gently on his own, when they pucker for a bit then lay on more pressure. Kisses are shorter than Cloud expected and he feels like Zack is backing up too soon.

Unable to stop himself and eyes still closed, Cloud gasps, “Wait.”

“Don’t worry,” Zack chuckles. “I just wanted to get a good look at you.”

Cloud rolls his eyes even though they’re still shut.

Zack comes back with a more intense kiss that gives Cloud the chills. It almost feels as if Zack has been holding back, too. Cloud starts to kiss back, utilizing his jaw to get Zack’s lower lip between his--he might have bitten him a little. He repeats sliding off and latching back on over and over. Cloud isn’t sure who’s producing the small breathy grunts or if it’s both of them; he feels like he’s breathing too much through his nose, but it’s not like his mouth is unoccupied.

Just as Zack puts a hand behind Cloud’s neck the bathroom door slams open.

“Okay, who the hell is—oh. Woooooow, really guys?”

Zack pulls off Cloud and steps away, deeply red in the face. Cloud suspects the warmth taking him over is from certain feelings from the kiss but then being immediately overridden by annoyance from being interrupted, particularly by who.

“Reno,” Cloud chides as if nothing happened. “If you were going to make us come out here then why weren’t you—”

“Woah woah woah!” Reno interjects, thrusting a finger at Cloud. “Don’t come at me when you two were getting chummy in the only bathroom! Jeez, people have to piss, you know.”

Cloud is too frustrated to feel embarrassed or ashamed. “Can you at least close the door? It’s too loud.”

Reno squints at him while he does so. “It’s a club, what did you expect?”

“I expected you to be easy to find so I could pick up your package,” Cloud responds, pushing himself off the wall. “Do you have it?”

Reno sighs dramatically and produces a thick, letter-sized envelope from somewhere in his sports jacket. Cloud finally takes a closer look at Reno’s appearance, namely his fully opened button-up shirt, clearly tailored to fashionably hang open and never close. Everything else looks normal—fancy jacket, slacks, boots, pointless goggles—but the open display of his upper body is new. Cloud is sure that if he took a wet wipe to Reno’s torso he’d erase a good amount of, honestly unnecessary, ab contouring.

He snatches the envelope from Reno. “Just drop off your packages like everyone else next time.”

Reno shrugs and smirks. “Nah, I can’t be seen in the public eye like that.”

Zack snorts. “Uh huh, says the guy everyone in the club knows by name,” he chimes in, hands on his hips. Reno, taken aback, grumbles to himself and dismissively waves his hand at the two.

“Okay, okay, whatever. Why don’t you two go home and get a room, we kinda need this bathroom for the guests.”

“Why did you make a club with one bathroom?” Cloud deadpans.

Reno makes a show of groaning. “Man, everybody’s a critic, huh?” When he notices Cloud’s expression he straightens back up and clears his throat. “Okay, know what? For all your trouble I’ll hire a courier next time to bring the goods to you, how’s that sound?”

Cloud tucks the envelope under his arm. “So you’ll send Rude.”

“That obvious?” Reno snorts. “Anyway, call me about postage and I’ll get that to you later.”

Cloud can at least trust Reno to do as he promises; he’s never botched a transaction, at least not on purpose. “Sure.”

Reno opens the bathroom door and lets it swing wide open. “Alright, get out.”

“Gladly.”

Zack follows Cloud close behind as they use the wall to guide themselves out of the club. Cloud manages to escape the building without going into a near-shutdown state again. Once they breach into the outside world Cloud feels much better than he has in the past however long they were trapped in Reno’s stupid club. He takes the envelope and turns it around a few times.

“Another fake name, probably,” Cloud mutters, examining the to/from information. Zack chuckles, pitched higher from disbelief.

“You sure know some characters, huh?” he comments. Cloud looks tired.

“They find me,” he replies, annoyed. “And they refuse to un-find me.”

Cloud retrieves his keys out of his pocket and puts Reno’s envelope in the compartment under his bike’s back seat. He grabs two helmets from the same place and tosses one to Zack. Zack struggles—as he usually does—to get his on while Cloud mounts, secures his own helmet, and starts Fenrir.

Zack hops on behind Cloud and gets noticeably closer than every time before. “Y’know, it’s nice to actually hold onto you like this without feeling like I’m coming onto you,” he remarks and Cloud blushes. Zack would usually either hold onto the back seat or awkwardly hold onto Cloud’s hips—but that was for safety reasons. Now, Zack has his arms wrapped around Cloud’s waist for more than safety reasons.

“Good. Now I won’t have to worry about you flying off the back.”

The ride is mostly quiet and Cloud gets to enjoy Zack pressed up against his back the entire time. When Cloud drops Zack off, Zack gestures for him to take off his helmet. He does and is caught a little off guard when Zack kisses him. It’s quick, nothing like in the club bathroom, but it feels nice all the same.

“Talk about a fun get-together story, huh?” Zack says, clearly lingering. Cloud nods.

“I would rather not have had Reno there but what’s done is done,” he confirms. Zack ruffles Cloud’s hair and kisses his forehead.

“Shoot me a text when you’re done with deliveries tomorrow,” he requests, “we could pick up where we left off.” Zack winks and Cloud smiles a little.

“Sounds like a date,” he suggests.

Zack grins. “Know what? Pick a place or a thing to do and I’ll take you out on a real date.”

“No clubs.”

“Yes sir, no clubs.”

Cloud puts his helmet back on and revs his engine. “I’ll think about it. I don’t usually go out anywhere.”

“As long as you’ll be okay with something, I’m down for anything.”

“My bathroom is pretty nice, actually.”

Zack laughs. “Alright, alright, go home, man. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Cloud nods and drives off into the night. He has a lot to tell Tifa, including to prepare for Rude to be a mess around her sometime in the near future.

[aliveprofessor]

The First Day

so this is for the first round of the buzzfeed creation challenge for @thebuzzfeedchallenge and my prompt was the “first day of work”. my partner is @thepossessionofshanemadej, and here it is! the thing i made over the course of like a sick day and a half

(also uhhhh big thanks to @faequill for the au and also for being basically my new parent)

Title: The First Day

Description: Ryan is taken on an... adventure on his first day of work.

TW: none! heavy basketball talk for a little bitch who has never seen a basketball game in his life, god bless him

WC: 2144

AO3 LINK HERE

Ryan pulled up to the gleaming mass of metal, finding a parking space somewhere close. He had his box of stuff with him: a notebook full of semi-fleshed out ideas, a flash drive, some trinkets, a calendar. He took a solemn breath and pushed open the doors, prepared for the worst.

Ryan had heard incredible stories about what went on inside Buzzfeed buildings and, truth be told, he was excited to be involved in a story that involved too many naked coworkers.

And then, he was greeted by an underwhelming “Fuck!” as someone dropped their coffee. The boiling drink splashed up Ryan’s jeans, stinging the skin there.

“I’m so, so sorry,” The man said, blond curls flopping over as he picked up a few of the biggest shards.

Ryan shook himself out of his daze, stooping down to help. “It’s okay.”

As soon as he was done, the man stood up and held out his hand. “I’m Zack.”

“Ryan,” Ryan said shaking Zack’s hand.

Zack glanced at the box Ryan had perched on the rim of a potted plant. “First day?”

Ryan nodded.

“I’m really sorry, man,” Zack grinned apologetically, “Wanna sit by me? I’ve got a spare seat and I promise I’ll try to not spill everything on you.”

“Only if you promise,” Ryan smiled back, feeling like a bit of a foolhardy character in a rom-com. Granted, Zack was an attractive human being, but Ryan wasn’t the kind of person to fall for every pretty face he saw.

Zack, still grinning, led Ryan to the promised empty desk. Ryan quickly spread his stuff out over the desk, as if maybe it’d be taken if he were too slow in unpacking.

“You’re a Lakers fan too?” Zack asked, grinning madly. Ryan gasped, excitedly turning to the other man. “Yeah!”

“Oh my God,” Zack looked at his clock, face falling. “Uhh… I wish I could stay and talk about this, but I have to work on this video. I’m supposed to shoot it today and I don’t even know who I’m gonna have in it!”

Then, as though he’d just realized who he was talking to, Zack’s face lit up again. “You could be in it - you’re an intern, right?”

Ryan nodded hesitantly.

“Don’t be shy - it’s the opportunity of a lifetime, c’mon,” Zack grabbed Ryan’s arm and yanked him along. Ryan tailed after the taller man, the linoleum floor rising up to meet their sneakers. In retrospect, Ryan had wanted an adventure.

Ryan found himself in a small faded green car, fabric seats worn and fast food trash littered around the floor.

“Sorry, my car is kind of a mess,” Zack apologized, brushing garbage off of the passenger seat. Ryan sat down, buckling up as Zack explained the video.

Zack started the car. “So my idea was that we could have a few guys meet some professional basketball players - y’know, watch ‘em play up close and then like hang out for a day. And, wouldn’t ya’ know, the NBA was totally cool with that!”

Ryan blinked.

“So, I wanted to direct, and there were three players on the Lakers who really wanted to do it. I’m stoked, Garrett’s stoked, Jen’s stoked -”

“Woah, so which Lakers player am I meeting?” Ryan asked.

Zack had Ryan pull his notes out of his bag and tell him which player he didn’t match someone up with. “No fucking way -”

“It’s Madej, isn’t it?” Zack interrupted Ryan’s exclamation.

Ryan’s voice came way too close to a squeal when he replied. “Yeah.”

And then, the insecurity set in. He was meeting Shane Madej, and he was wearing a dumb graphic tee and coffee-stained jeans.

“You’re gonna do great!” Zack reassured, turning to violently honk at the mountain of traffic. Ryan let out a shaky breath, groaning into his palms.

Soon enough, though, Ryan looked up at the Staples Center, the red letters glaring down at him through the bright morning sun.

“This is just gonna be a practice,” Zack said, “So this place is pretty much just us and the people who have to be there all the time.”

Ryan was awestruck as he entered the main floor, where the Lakers were practicing. The tech and film crew for the shoot were already there, setting up a few tripods and some lights. A shorter woman and an astonishingly tall man were sitting on the bench.

“Sorry we’re late,” Zack grinned, one of the cameras swiveling around to face him and Ryan, “This is Ryan, the poor intern I’ve dragged along for his first video.”

“Aw,” Jen grinned, “He’s cute.”

“Thanks,” Ryan’s face flushed, and he realized how dumb his glasses looked. He handed the papers Zack had had him carry back to their owner and took his seat on the bench by Jen and who he could only assume was Garrett.

Jen patted his shoulder. “You’ll do fine. Who’re you hanging with?”

“Madej,” Ryan murmured, and Jen’s eyes got huge.

“Dude,” She gaped, “He’s so cool. Lucky duck!”

“Oh, like you got stuck with Lonzo Ball,” Ryan rolled his eyes, watching the practice. Jen laughed next to him, and after a solid five seconds of pretending to be mad, Ryan broke too.

“I have never watched a Lakers game in my life,” Garrett interjected, “And yet, this is somehow the best day of my life.”

They spent the next three hours joking and - maybe this was just Ryan - watching the… athletic prowess of the basketball players. So, okay, maybe Michael Jordan in Space Jam was Ryan’s sexual awakening, but was that really Ryan’s fault?

The end of rehearsal came too fast and, yet, not fast enough. Everyone sort of pittered to a stop, grabbing towels and water bottles. Shane Madej even stopped in front of Ryan to introduce himself.

“Hi!” He grinned, “I’m Shane Madej. Who are you?”

Ryan, who had been expecting ‘are you the idiot they signed me up to go to Starbucks with’ stuttered out, “Y - yes?”

Shane started laughing, and Ryan desperately tried to correct himself. “Sorry - sorry, I mean - my name is Ryan Bergara! I’m sor -”

“Don’t sweat it,” Shane said through tears of laughter, “That’s the hardest I’ve laughed in ages. You ready? I take maybe half an hour to cool down and change out, and after that I think they want us to go to, like, lunch or whatever.”

Ryan nodded. “Oh, yeah. Sweet.”

Shane left, and Ryan buried his face in his hands. Jen patted him on the shoulder awkwardly.

“At least it’ll make a good video,” Ryan grumbled into his hands, voice muffled. Jen made a noise of affirmation, and soon, Ryan had devolved to playing a game on his phone. Shane appeared, looking alarmingly normal for someone who was on the Lakers - the Lakers! - wearing a hoodie and jeans.

“Ready?” Shane asked, a twinkle in his eye. Ryan felt something in his heart twist in a not-unpleasant way, and he nodded and grinned back.

Ryan suggested an Italian place - Cafe Palermo. Shane agreed, pulling it up on Google Maps and pulling out of the employee parking lot at the Staples Center.

They finally got to the Cafe, and it was a cute little place, with checkered tile and tables outside.

“Wanna sit out here?” Shane asked, sitting down at a circular table. After checking them in, Ryan joined him, looking at the menu. The waitress came out, a young woman with curly black hair and a polite smile.

“Hi, I’m Veronica, I’ll be your server. What can I get for you gentlemen?” She asked, holding up the notepad, “Anything to drink?”

Ryan got a Fanta and Shane just got water, and Veronica went back inside for a while.

“So…” Ryan began, absolutely buzzing with adrenaline.

Shane looked bemusedly at Ryan as Ryan asked so many basketball questions Shane almost didn’t know what to do with him. Shane replied as short as he could every time, hoping to speed through questions about his job.

And after a while, Ryan seemed to catch up on that. “Sorry, dude, if this is like, boring, or -”

“Hey, it’s okay!” Shane grinned, “It’s just… look, I get asked these questions every day. I know you want to hear it right from the horse’s mouth, but so does every reporter in existence. I’m kinda tired of talking about my day job, y’know?”

“Yeah, yeah, I get it,” Ryan nodded, silent for a moment. “Why don’t you ask me questions, then? We’re supposed to be hanging out, right? I’m not interviewing you.”

Shane was quiet and thoughtful as he asked his questions. “Where are you from?”

“SoCal,” Ryan replied, chin resting on his hand. They chatted for a while until Ryan brought up the one subject he’d hoped Shane didn’t disagree with him on.

“... Woah, woah, woah,” Shane interrupted, “You believe in ghosts?”

“You don’t?”

Shane peered at Ryan over his water, dumbfounded. “Yeah, I’m not an idiot -”

Before they continue, Veronica interrupted them. “Are you ready to order?”

And they got what they wanted, and they went right back to arguing. The heated debate lasted for another good hour and a half, with intermittent breaks for eating and glaring at each other without much fire behind their eyes. In fact, Ryan would say that Shane was growing on him

“Stop for coffee before I take you back to work?” Shane asked as Ryan sipped on the last refill of his Fanta. Ryan nodded, and Shane took him to Starbucks.

“Man, I can feel myself getting whiter,” Ryan joked as he walked into the store. They both got their usuals and piled back into Shane’s car.

“How do you stand this thing?” Ryan asked, “You’re, like, a giant.”

Shane joked back. “Watch it, Bergara. It’s not my fault you obviously didn’t eat your greens.”

“Oh, yeah, and I’m sure you grew up eating nothing but kale and green beans,” Ryan said, pouting mockingly and taking a sip of his latte.

Shane snorted. “Wouldn’t be the weirdest thing I’ve eaten.”

“And what would that be?”

“I dunno, Ry, there’s just so many good contenders,” Shane said, and in that moment Ryan truly knew what it was like when people talked about butterflies in their stomachs, electricity down their spines. And, of course, Shane had to follow it with the least sexy sentence imaginable. “Like, this one time, I just fucking took a bite out of a pumpkin.”

“And suddenly, everything about you makes sense,” Ryan exclaimed, “Your head is actually just a pumpkin!”

“Asshole,” Shane remarked, drumming his fingers on the dashboard as there was a lull in the conversation. It wasn’t awkward, Ryan realized, it was just like they were two pieces of a puzzle clicking into place and they didn’t need to talk all the time.

“I liked hanging out with you,” Ryan admitted as Shane pulled into the parking lot of the Buzzfeed office.

“You too, little guy,” Shane smiled, pulling Ryan in for a one-armed hug after he’d parked.

“You’re still a dick.”

“And you’re still an asshole.”

“We’ll have to do this again.”

“Yeah.”

And with that, Shane was pulling away, and Ryan felt panic shoot through his body.

Fuck, thought Ryan, in his coffee-stained jeans and shitty t-shirt and Nike tennis shoes, I don’t have his phone number!

Now melancholy, Ryan trudged back into the office, feeling deflated and exhausted after the eventfulness of his first day. It was only after lunch, everyone else slowly meandering back into the office. Ryan plopped down at his desk, Zack still not back to fill the space between him and the guy on Zack’s left.

“Justin,” He said curtly, introducing himself and letting Ryan do the same before going back to his project. Slowly, Ryan turned on the computer, throwing his empty latte into the trash can under his desk. He drummed his fingers on the desk, letting his reality catch up to him.

It wouldn’t be eventful all the time, and it wouldn’t be Meeting A Basketball Star You’ve Had A Crush On Since He Was In The NCAA big, but it would be good. Ryan thought it would be good, anyway.

Then, he realized that there was something smudged onto his hand. Sharpie, from his coffee. He figured he’d never looked at how the barista had written his name - Shane had gone and gotten both of their drinks. He looked at it, turning it over to see two different styles of handwriting.

One had his name on it - and the other had a phone number.

call me, since you seem to think ur hot shit ;)

And then, it was decided that as long as Ryan lived, there really wouldn’t be a day that lived up to that one. He’d peaked.

Of course, he’d say differently later. But, then again, he’d still have six and a half years to go until Shane proposed.

[survivor-switzerland]

EPISODE 16 (FINALE): THE COURAGE REQUIRED TO ANNIHILATE - BRETT

Well tribal was actually fairly easy for once. I'm glad we are all on the same page for once instead of having to say one thing for one group and another name for a different group. It's tiring keeping up with who is on which side at times. I'm so happy to make f5!!! I am happy to be with my top picks too!!! I feel like unless Luke wins immunity it's gonna be an easy tribal. Let's hope so at least!!!! It's has been hard to know who to trust and I feel if we can just make one more then we'll be ok. I know that it will be hard to choose between Ian and Dom but I think we have to see who will be best for future game!!! I love them both so it's hard for me!! I'm happy with any of the others left so I'm super happy!!! Now to see who wins immunity and figure out how to get to f4!!!

So I get back from exile and I find out that Jev was voted out unanimously and I'm....very confused. I thought that they were probably going to vote out Ian but according to Dom, Brett said that it was easier to manage with just Matterhorn in the game because we were a duo. I need to try so hard to win immunity otherwise I could be leaving and I need to make it to the end. I've played pretty well and I think I could have a good shot but Brett needs to leave. I need to be at the FTC with Ian/Ashley because they're boring and haven't done anything anfkjsnfjkn. It would be nice to take Dom to the end but he's actually played the game too so like..it's difficult so everything lies on me winning immunity this round.

i feel like i completely messed up the immunity challenge all because i could see how many plus symbols there were and now i'm literally so upset because i don't want to leave and i feel like i could be if i don't win immunity. if i don't win i'm going to work with ian and dom to see if we can vote out either brett or ashley. it's important that brett or ashley don't win immunity because brett would just play his idol on the other one. if that happens, i'd have to work on getting ian or even dom out. i just don't want to leave.

I don't trust anyone left in this game. They can all jump of a cliff because they've all backstabbed me I don't even care if I go 5th.

That's what I thought until I won immunity asdfghjk. I really am blessed at F5 immunity challenges huh? Hahahahaha take that you little snitches!!

Now Dom and Luke are approaching me, wanting me to make a move with them against Brett and here I am just like:

Brett seems to want Luke gone, because duh he's his biggest threat to win. Brett has an idol and who in their right mind won't play their idol at Final 5 on themeselves.

Dom is trying to get me to jump ships and turn the tables on Brett. He claims he can get Brett to play the idol on him (Dom) and then me, Dom and Luke all vote for Brett.

Dude are you high? HOW WILL BRETT NOT PLAY HIS IDOL ON HIMSELF?!?! This ain't my first rodeo buddy, this kind of f5 scenario is nothing new to me. I win immunity in F5 and the person who is most likely to win the whole things happens to have an idol. (Shout out to JENN FROM)

It doesn't take a simpleton to know that no matter what Brett will play his idol ON HIMSELF and no else.

Now Luke seems to be the more logical one. He wants to save himself because he knows he's going so he wants me and Dom to make a move with him against Brett. But with Brett's idol, he's basically safe, so that leaves Ashley who's Brett's most loyal ally probably.

I don't really care, I know I'm safe and these bitches will have the whole day getting paranoid if I'm with them or not. Honestly this is just too similar to the Bora Bora F5. On one side you have Brett and Ashley (Basically Jenn and Nicole) and on the other is Luke and Dom (Kenneth and Renee)

Last time I stuck with my original allies. I stuck with them because like I still trusted them after they did me dirty and I could never hate Jenn and Nicole <3. BUT for this one, I don't care for Brett and Ashley. They turned their backs on me and I probably might just do the same.

Getting rid of Ashley might be a good idea because for these reasons.

1. Gets rid of Brett's loyal ally thus he MUST turn to me.

2. Luke stays in the game and increases the odds of someone beating Brett in the final immunity.

3. I secure Dom or Luke and I could make a deal with them to NOT write my name in f4. BUT I STILL DON'T TRUST THEM!!

I don't know what to do and I don't trust anyone. I'm going to check on Brett soon and see what he gonna do about his idol. Well obviously he gonna play it on himself because he ain't an idiot. Geez, Tyler you just had to provoke Brett in your final words...

Oh well either way, I'll be betraying someone so whatever. They did it to me first, so I'll just do it to them <3

It's such a crucial time in the game!!! I'm hoping to get f4!!! So scary but I'm glad I made it this far and I think everyone left Is deserving. I would love to go all the way to f3 but tribal makes me super nervous even when I am confident about votes like I have been!!!

I have immunity so I'm supposed to sit back and watch these chickens run around with their heads chopped off. I'm supposed to enjoy my weekend before another week of reporting, paper works and stinking PE dance routine.

If that's what I'm supposed to do then WHY AM I SO FUCKING STRESSED!!

First it was Luke and Dom wanting to make a move against Brett. Now Luke tells me Ashley wants to make a move to.

Now they're trying to get Brett to misplay his idol and I'm like WTF?! If I were Brett I'd play the idol on my self. The plan is for Ashley to convince Brett to play his idol on Dom and then pull a fast one and send his ass out.

Honestly this plan is crazy, but why do I believe that it might work?!?! I probably lost my sanity after I went crazy when Tyler left.

This is just like firing a gun in a dark room. I'm glad I won immunity because these people are becoming a mess like me <3

EPISODE LOST COUNT

Jev is gone. Luke is back. I'm thinking it's going to be the same exact vote as last time if Luke doesn't win immunity. If Luke had won immunity, it wouldn't have been the worst thing in the world. Luke staying around would mean that a target as big as myself was in the final 4 with me. However, Ian won instead and things seemed fine, but Ian wanted to target Dom instead of Luke. And Luke wanted to target Dom as well. I told Luke straight on that I had no interest in voting anyone but him off.

Luke is one of the classiest players I've ever had the pleasure of playing with. He doesn't take things personally. He is reasonable, calm, and secure as a person. For my money, Luke is the player of the season. And for all these reasons, he has to go.

But because Luke is Luke, he didn't go down without a fight. And I wouldn't have had that any other way. Luke put out feelers to Dom to play dead and get me to play my idol on him while they all blindsided me. Cute, right? Now--this was never going to work because I would have been fine with Dom leaving. I found that idol by myself on Day 3 and over a month later, I had no intention of playing that idol on anyone but myself. Ashley Sarah, however, the angelic creature that she is, filled me in on the plan and we got to have a lot of fun with the dramatics. She played things up to Luke while I was extra with Dom and Ian. In the end, all 3 of those goobers put their votes on me and I was able to successfully idol Luke out of the game.

Before I sign off, I want to acknowledge the original members of the Matterhorn Tribe now that they are extinct. Every time I put a pen to parchment and wrote down RENEE, ZACK, ABEL, JEVVON, and LUKE--each was bringing the people to justice who cast a vote against Keegan in the second round of this game. He deserved way better than he got and as I saw Luke leave the game, I thought to myself, "This is for Keegan. This one's for you, babes." I hope he's proud.

Throwback to Episode Three: "I've got one hand in my pocket and the other one's fisting Matterhorn!" Cheers, friends. We'll see if I can pull out a win this weekend.

We just made f4!!!! Wow!!! I feel bad for Luke but the 4 of us stuck together through all the craziness!!!!

Yeah I know it was stupid of me voting for Brett when I knew at the back of my mind he wasn't stupid. asdfghjk

But I made a promise to Luke that I will never write his name down again and I stood by that.

Anyway it's F4 Immunity with four parts. For the trivia it took me a while because I was double checking everything. The last part the memory, I was really shook that I only needed to do the boot list. I kinda panicked because I sent in the correct boot order but it was being labeled as incorrect. It took me like 3 tries then I thought I should include Benjamin's first vote out and that was the one that was making my answer inccorect. AHHHH, you sneaky little hosts!! These bitches better not have noticed that right away!! PLEASE LET THEM NOTICE FOR AFTER LIKE TEN MINUTES OF TRYING!!

I'm really stressed right now. Brett simply cannot win any of these 4 comps because if he wins immunity I might as well just give up because his resume is the best of the best. You could compare it to like his resume is like a manuscript for a wonderful novel while ours is like some little essay made by an elementary student lol

The endurance challenge, it's like between me and Ash followed by Dom. I'm feeling that Ash will win this one because she's fast. Dom just needs to keep scoring so Brett will remain with 1. BRETT CANNOT WIN ANYTHING AHHH!!!

The flash game, I did it yesterday, I've got a really good score that hopefully is high enough to snag first place. I'm gonna try and get a higher score but whenever I play, the game lags rip.

PLEASE LET JENN FROM'S POWERS TRANSFER TO ME!! I NEED TO WIN!!

PLEASE DO NOT LET BRETT WIN ANYTHING!! PLEASE! I'd give anything to make sure Brett doesn't win this immunity!! I'd give these hosts my first born son, my inheritance, my house, just about anything so Brett won't win!!

Ash has got to realize the she does have a good case but it pales in comparison to Brett's!! She's got to side with me and Dom on this vote in order for all of us to get an equal shot at winning!! PLEASE!! BRETT SIMPLY CANNOT WIN ANY OF THESE 4 PARTS!!

CAPS LOCK IS LIFE <3

Whew that was a tiring immunity. I think that we all did good tho!! I'm kinda glad Ian won cause he deserves it. I think we all do to a point but it's so hard to decide who should go after all the hard work. I really love Brett and I've been loyal since day 1. There's no way anyone has a shot at winning with him tho. I'm glad the three people I'm with are my fave choices. No matter who goes I'm gonna be sad.

I FUCKING WON IMMUNITY!! OMG, is this like a fucking dream?! I can't believe I'm keeping my never voted out status!!

However I can't celebrate yet. There is only one obstacle left and that obstacle is none other than Brett Ashley Hawkins. For sure me and Dom are voting him out no matter what. The real problem is Ashley Sarah. She needs to vote with us this round because I don't have confidence Dom can beat Brett in a tie-breaker lol

I've talked with Ashley and I acted I was on the fence between Brett and Dom. I'm pushing for her to vote Brett but she's a bit hesitant. UGH, girl can't you see that no matter how loyal you look like to the jury or by keeping Brett YOU WILL NOT WIN! She has to realize that she has a chance of winning is she goes with me and Dom.

Brett's telling me that he knows he's a good candidate to win but so is Dom. Well I can't speak for the jury but every one of us is threat to win BUT no one is big as a threat as you Brett. I'm taking this final shot at you no matter what and I'm begging you Ashley. Please pull the trigger! We got voted in by the community because they want us to succeed, don't let them down please Ashley! Pull the trigger!

I can't believe it's FTC!!! In a main season!!! I have been blessed this season to be with an amazing group of allies!! They really are why I'm here!!! Ty so much to Ian Dom Brett Tyler and Nick!!!! You guys were the best!!! I am so happy just to be here that i don't even care about placement!!! I improved and had so much fun!!! The hosts are now my new faves!!!! They made this season so great to be a part of that I really see this as one of my fave games!!!!

IF I LOSE TO DOM I'M GOING TO CRY!

[6/19/2017 9:45:03 PM] Brett Hawkins: I think you have Ben and Tyler no matter what combo

[6/19/2017 9:46:21 PM] Brett Hawkins: I think Dom or myself would have Jev & Luke

[6/19/2017 9:46:28 PM] Brett Hawkins: Dom would have nick

[6/19/2017 9:46:34 PM] Brett Hawkins: Nick is up for grabs if it's us

[6/19/2017 9:47:18 PM] Brett Hawkins: And that leaves Zack, Abel, and whoever goes home tonight

[6/19/2017 9:48:11 PM] Brett Hawkins: As far as it looks from my perspective anyway

[6/19/2017 9:49:18 PM] Brett Hawkins: I know I played bolder than Dom, but a lot of people might see an arrogance and pride issue there while Dom was a lot more friendly and subtle

[6/19/2017 9:50:50 PM] Ian (New Orleans Host): Yeah but like Jev and Luke had already set they're voting for you if you make it to FTC

[6/19/2017 9:51:56 PM] Brett Hawkins: If I don't, they're voting for Dom though

[6/19/2017 9:52:15 PM] Ian (New Orleans Host): How are you sure about that?

[6/19/2017 9:52:56 PM] Brett Hawkins: Because Dom had his hand working with them in several heists. The nick vote was dom's only misstep and that was out of loyalty

[6/19/2017 9:54:16 PM] Ian (New Orleans Host): That's still ain't a clear motive to want to vote to win.

[6/19/2017 9:54:33 PM] Ian (New Orleans Host): At least that's what I think

[6/19/2017 9:54:52 PM] Brett Hawkins: If you would rather have Dom represent our season, you should vote me out.

[6/19/2017 9:57:28 PM] Ian (New Orleans Host): You make it sound like he's dead set to win if he's in FTC

[6/19/2017 9:57:38 PM] Brett Hawkins: That's how I feel

[6/19/2017 9:57:52 PM] Brett Hawkins: I genuinely feel your choice is to lose to me or lose to Dom.

[6/19/2017 9:58:24 PM] Ian (New Orleans Host): Okay so I kinda feel offended tbh

[6/19/2017 9:58:49 PM] Ian (New Orleans Host): You're saying I absolutely have no shot at winning?

[6/19/2017 9:59:06 PM] Brett Hawkins: I feel like you haven't played a winning game, no.

[6/19/2017 9:59:17 PM] Brett Hawkins: I feel like you'll lose 6-2 to either Dom or myself.

[6/19/2017 10:00:57 PM] Brett Hawkins: Clearly you feel like you have a better shot against Dom, but you really should feel offended at yourself that you feel your game can't hold up to mine.

[6/19/2017 10:01:44 PM] Brett Hawkins: And that is the pride and arrogance you can expect to see from me if I'm still at final tribal council

[6/19/2017 10:01:53 PM] Brett Hawkins: Because I know I've played the best game this season.

[6/19/2017 10:02:14 PM] Brett Hawkins: And you know that too.

[6/19/2017 10:02:26 PM] Ian (New Orleans Host): Everybody knows that

[6/19/2017 10:03:40 PM] Brett Hawkins: Dom, for my money's worth, has had the most strategic game and has been in the loop with at least a partial controlling hand on the most votes once I leave

[6/19/2017 10:03:54 PM] Brett Hawkins: Like I know I'm being an asshole right now, ian.

[6/19/2017 10:04:00 PM] Ian (New Orleans Host): Yeah you are

[6/19/2017 10:04:04 PM] Brett Hawkins: It's just hard not to be

[6/19/2017 10:04:12 PM] Brett Hawkins: When I have put in this much work

[6/19/2017 10:04:36 PM] Brett Hawkins: I don't have 3 other orgs I'm involved with like Dom

[6/19/2017 10:04:40 PM] Brett Hawkins: This is it for me

[6/19/2017 10:05:03 PM] Brett Hawkins: Since November of last year, I have played 4 total including this one. I devoted my time to this.

[6/19/2017 10:05:13 PM] Ian (New Orleans Host): I've been with you this entire game and I can tell that you have played the BEST game here

[6/19/2017 10:05:35 PM] Brett Hawkins: Because I cared the most

[6/19/2017 10:05:51 PM] Brett Hawkins: Because second chance actually meant something to me

[6/19/2017 10:06:07 PM] Ian (New Orleans Host): It meant something to me to you know

[6/19/2017 10:06:11 PM] Brett Hawkins: I know

[6/19/2017 10:07:17 PM] Brett Hawkins: I'm sorry for coming at you hard

[6/19/2017 10:07:28 PM] Brett Hawkins: It's just frustrating to know your time is up

I keep telling myself that this is Brett trying to fuck with my head.

That conversation just made my desire to win even brighter! I'll be damned if I'm going to lose to Dom. I just can't! I CAN'T BE A TWO TIME 1ST RUNNER-UPPER!! The gloves are off bitches! It's time to turn off my emotions for these jury answers and just basically try and make my game look like a beautiful pasta compared to Dom's game.

FINALE

I realized that I hadn't really addressed the final round of my game at all. Here goes.

I worked harder than anyone to make this game exactly what I wanted it to be. After Keegan was eliminated, I had the courage required to annihilate anyone I had wanted to. I pulled off some of the most successful schemes of the season. I danced between groups at my own preference. I won challenges. I made connections. And it all came to a crashing halt because of 2 reasons:

1) I couldn't win one last immunity challenge.

2) Both Ashley Sarah and Ian both seem to believe that they have a chance at beating Dom in my absence.

Ashley Sarah was a big bag of word salad the day of the vote. She told me "I just don't want to go to fire." That is the single most idiotic and spineless thing she's said to date. That's not a reason! She wouldn't be the one going to fire--what the hell would she care? What she meant to say was "I like Dom more than you. Sorry!"

I told both Ashley Sarah and Ian once I knew things weren't going to go my way that their vote was going to decide whether I was the winner of Tumblr Survivor: Switzerland or if the winner would be Dom. I meant every word of it. Ian was not happy to see such words. He told me "Wow. That's really offensive." And I responded as candidly as ever. "Don't be offended that I find your game doesn't match up to Dom's or mine, be offended at yourself for playing yet another runner-up's game." This was as objective as I could possibly put it. I didn't say that to Ian to hurt his feelings. Ian is extremely likable and he's a skilled player, but the most memorable game move Ian made this season was wearing a top hat during a music video challenge.

So this is it for me! They all knew I would eviscerate them before a jury and that's that.

To Ashley Sarah, you're a lovely girl. I had so much fun with you. I honestly have no idea why you play these games. It's very clear you're not in it to win it and you're not particularly well spoken, so I'm really wondering: what's the point? I owe an apology to everyone on the jury because there are 7 people there in addition to myself who cared more about this and put more effort in than you ever did. I find your lack of desire to do anything except be there insulting to the hosts who put a lot of work into the season and to everyone who worked hard to succeed. I hope you consider things like this before enrolling yourself in 4 ORGs and host one in addition to that.

To Dom, congratulations. While I feel like the final three is made up of personal assistants, you shine as a leader among the company you're seated next to. I had so much fun playing with you and for 15 years old, I am extremely impressed with the head you have on your shoulders. Thank you so much for teaching me everything you've taught me.

To Ian, I'm sorry I wasn't that great of an ally. It was really difficult to be true to you when I saw Tyler's impact on you clear as day. I think you're fantastic and while I don't feel like you deserve to win this game, you have loads of potential and you have impressed me a lot in certain aspects of this season.

To everyone who placed beneath me and the ten individuals that did not get voted into this season, my gameplay was a love letter to all of you. The competition was strong and I had a lot of work cut out for me. You're all inspiring and I'm very happy with this season, all in all. Thank you for playing with me.

To all the players, my confessionals are an immediate, first reaction to the things that happened in this game. A lot of my opinions might be rough or brutal, but a lot of them have softened in the days (and in some cases, hours) that passed. I am sorry if I have offended in anyway. Well, for the most part. If you were unlikable, that's on you. You're probably not that big a fan of me either, anyway.

To the hosts: Drew, Amanda, and Abbey, thank you for putting up with my obnoxiously large ego for over a month. You all should see the same therapist Trevor and Owen went to after dealing with me the entire Myanmar season.

And speaking of Myanmar, a major thank you to the hosts and cast of my previous season as well as Tate Hornford, Zakriah Wahid Razzak, Aras Djonovic, and Will Lott for giving me insights on the players I wasn't familiar with, inspiring an extremely diplomatic, open, and friendly chat between Logan and myself once the season began, and for cheering me on every step of the way. I really hope I did you proud.

And lastly, my game and the strategies implemented therein is all to impress Mr. Keegan S. Thank you so much for your wondrous friendship and support, for being my first original ally that every ally in the 4 games I've played has had the dread of attempting to measure up to, and for pushing me to be the best player I can be. I kept the promise I made to you--not one person that wrote your name down left with this season's crown. This game is dedicated to you.

Thank you.

Me in Bora Bora while answering jury questions:

Me right now while I answer these jury questions: