#ven. ven. lavender my beloved moot 😇💖💘💖💕💖💘💖💕💘💖💗

[idyllic-affections]

YOU.

you went dark on me.

┊ʚ₊˚꒱꒱︰ ven’s musings ; @idyllic-affections. yes i have the audacity to wait until i was aware of your online status to post this. LAB YOU ADDI <33333333

┊ʚ₊˚꒱꒱︰ cw ; strictly platonic, fluff to angst, older sibling/father xiao (it just depends on how you choose to interpret their relationship), child reader (around 8-10), rewritten from old blog, self-hatred/deprecation, slight overprotective xiao(?), fire

xiao hasn’t received many good things in his long life, even after being freed from the shackles that were placed upon him by his former master at the hand of rex lapis. but you… although he has yet to admit it out loud, you rekindled the lost flame of joy that he had all those centuries ago, once extinguished by the harsh winds of reality and fate. xiao swore to protect you, to keep you safe, to take care of you. if you even so much as whisper his name into the wind, he will hear you, and he will come to you no matter the cost. he always has.

just seeing you, spending time with you.. fills his chest with an indescribable amount of ecstasy and happiness, happiness he wasn’t sure he even deserved to receive from someone as pure and precious as you, but the feeling was so elating and euphoric that xiao found that he couldn’t care. you bring such peace, so much happiness into this world that there is barely anything left for him in this world after your departure, a fact he finds absolutely intolerable. xiao would rather give up everything in order to have you return home safely and to be able to see you again. it makes the pain and weight of his karmic debt more tolerable somehow, less unbearable, and he isn’t sure what else he can do but to hold onto hope for the future when hope feels like he has run out of oxygen.

when your smile brightens his world, it seems to illuminate everything around you, too; a warmth in his heart and soul, an almost magnetic pull towards you, something so intrinsic to the very essence of who he truly is that xiao doesn’t know how to describe it. it’s not fear that he feels whenever he sees you, though, because it’s so easy for him to forget the horrors of the past - you are still so young, yet so soft, so caring, so sweet. you’re like a beacon that shines throughout the darkest corner of his heart; like one of the brightest suns—no, the brightest sun. you burn so bright, but never had you once burned anyone.

xiao was not the moon, he was never even a star to begin with. but you, you were the sun. his sun. the light to his darkness. you are the only thing in this world worth fighting for. he has devoted the entirety of his existence to protecting you, from whatever might threaten you. he loves and cares for you so dearly that he could cry at the thought of ever hurting you, but he also wouldn’t stop fighting against himself if it meant protecting you without any repercussions. he is willing to fight for every single thing he holds dear, and he knows that you are worth it. you are worth his whole existence. he knows that now more than anyone else. he knows it with all his heart. 

and you deserve the world. so much more than he could ever dream to provide. it’s okay that xiao didn’t deserve that, or even the possibility of having you in his presence; it’s okay that he has nothing. but you deserve love and affection; all of it.  you deserve everything good in the world. you deserve everything good that xiao could offer you. so, so much. but most importantly, xiao thinks you deserve happiness. you deserve to be happy. he knows you don’t need him or the world or anyone to give you happiness. your own hands can provide it, but even then, xiao wants nothing more than to give it to you. he wants to take care of you. he wants the world to leave you alone and let you be happy. 

he wishes the gods of celestia would be just a bit kinder to you.

“xiaoxiao!! can we go stargazing together?” you had suddenly asked him, and with the pure, genuine spark of excitement in your eyes, how in the name of rex lapis could he even have the cruel heart to refuse? he was so weak for you… so, so weak. but he didn’t have it in him to say no, so he agreed with a small smile gracing his features so now here he was, allowing himself be led by you into the night sky of the moonless night. ‘it has been a while since I last went stargazing with them.’ he thought to himself. 

as they took their spot at the side of a very pretty clearing. you took a seat next to him, legs crossed as you admired the stars with your own pair of soft [eye color] eyes that had been filled with longing ever since you were born; you couldn’t help it. xiao liked the way the stars seemed to shine brighter and brighter when you looked at them with such fondness. as his golden eyes looked over at you, the starlight reflected beautifully off his gorgeous dark green and teal locks.  

the two of you were content just sitting quietly beside each other under a canopy of stars, enjoying the other's company. it was all quiet for several minutes until you finally decided to break the silence, pointing at different constellations of which that piqued your interest. the more you pointed at the bright, shining stars, the wider the grin became on your lips until you reached to point out two specific stars that were not there before, causing xiao to look over at you with curiousity. you explained the names of these two stars to him patiently and gently as if the stars were something precious, even though both you and he knew they weren’t exactly rare, or precious… but they were special either way. 

you had always been like this with everything that caught your eye.

xiao listened intently to every word you said. it was true that he wasn't good with words, especially things that could possibly relate back to the topic at hand (like astrology), but there was something about hearing what you had to say that made it all feel so much more meaningful than if he were enjoying the texture of almond tofu. your tone was so soothing, it made the entire time seem worth every second of every minute spent listening to you. after all, xiao was well aware that you were someone who enjoyed spending time by themself as well; maybe it was because you were such a sweet person that it rubbed off on others… and you were so kindhearted too. (and not to mention, rather persistent.)

he never wanted to take away the joy in your face from him (especially since you had an adorable, lovable smile). so, whenever he could manage to make you happy he tried his best, and the result seemed to be the same, whether it was a big gesture or a subtle touch, it always did. 

“i told you to call my name, did i not? why did you not call my name?” xiao questioned, eyes fixated on treating the wounds on your knees. he’s already so scared for you, that something would happen to you without his knowledge. he doesn’t want to lose you, even if it means losing himself as well. xiao has always been rather protective of you, hovering over you like a helicopter parent. he always tries not to get attached to people too quickly — it ends up hurting more when it inevitably does. but xiao has grown accustomed to the feeling of loneliness that comes with losing someone, and it has hurt him terribly. 

and despite that, despite how much he’s tried to suppress it, the pain of losing you would hurt so much more. you opened your mouth to refute, but xiao beat you to it. “yes, i know ganyu was with you. but even still, you should have called. me being busy shouldn’t stop you from doing so, especially when you were in danger.”

a few hours earlier, when you were spending time with ganyu, the two of you had been ambushed by several geovishap hatchlings. she was strong, of course, but her fighting style was long-ranged, while theirs was close-ranged. those vishap hatchlings never roll in a straight line. therefore, when you trying to dodge one of its attacks, you ended up tripping over the roots of a nearby tree, landing unceremoniously on the ground. ganyu cloaked herself in frost and dashed forward, leaving behind an ice lotus in her place, before it eventually exploded and killed the vishaps. which then led to this conversation.

“sorry.” you said quietly, turning your face away. you looked so dejected that xiao felt his heart shatter into a million pieces. you weren’t supposed to look like this; it wasn’t fair. “i didn’t mean to worry you.” that just made xiao’s heart break even more. his gaze softened and he gently brushed some stray strands of hair out of your face. “it’s fine, just please call me next time, okay?” his heart filled with a mixture of emotions, mostly guilt. even if he wasn’t the cause for your injuries.

“okay!”

xiao knew that this day would come eventually, when he would be forced to part ways with you. but he didn’t think it would come so soon… he has never had such deep-rooted hatred for the flames of destruction as he did this very moment. but even then, he knew, that he didn’t have anyone but himself to blame. he wasn’t there for you when you needed him the most, he was weak and useless when you needed protection and help the most. he wasn’t there when you needed him most. he was angry and bitter at himself for being so.. useless. he felt worthless. xiao wanted to die, just like the others. if he had arrived on time, maybe he could have saved your life instead of allowing you to get wrecked and buried into the burning debris that was once the place you and he called home.

he wished he could go back in time to change his failure. but he can’t. and that really, truly hurts. he would make up for those failures one way or another. but he couldn’t do that with you. and that’s what xiao regrets the most. he wishes he had taken better care of you. maybe the two of you would have stayed together longer. maybe you would have stayed happy. maybe the two of you would have survived and lived happily together, living amongst a group of friends and family and never being alone ever again. but there was no use wishing for what could have been. all that was that left were the memories that xiao could never go back to.

and as he lost his footing and fell to the ground, still holding onto his spear, xiao supposes that even nature was mourning your loss from the way that rain began to pour, soaking his hair, skin and clothes, but most importantly, extinguishing the flames that took you along with it. for the first time in over a millenia, he allowed himself to cry, to grieve, to weep, for he has lost the only blessing in his life to his own incompetence. 

in the end, this whole ordeal was worse than any loss he could possibly bear. he would trade his entire life, his whole existence, if it meant you were safe and happy.  xiao would give anything to live with you once more. xiao would sacrifice everything just for you to smile once more. but, he supposes, he cannot ask for such things. he cannot ask for your life back, even in exchange for his own. he will never be able to forgive himself. he will never forgive himself for letting you down. he wasn’t sure if he’ll be able to ever even recover from this terrible loss. archons, how he hated this. 

he lost you.

he lost his sun.

and he felt a very familiar darkness swallow him whole, and his heart had become vacant and numb once more.

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