#venting. thankfully i have not had an interaction like this i just saw a post from years back and got annoyed | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

goodheartedfool · 4 years ago

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I posted 296 times in 2021

103 posts created (35%)

193 posts reblogged (65%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 1.9 posts.

I added 205 tags in 2021

#musings - 30 posts

#ooc - 25 posts

#aesthetics - 25 posts

#on phone - 22 posts

#meme - 21 posts

#goldentemplariumcrow - 18 posts

#the turnip || ooc - 17 posts

#v: dc - 17 posts

#v: marvel - 16 posts

#headcanon - 14 posts

Longest Tag: 102 characters

#[if you don't know what to do with it we can always drop this and start something else if you want to]

My Top Posts in 2021

I wish there was more AC rpers that weren’t stuck up elitists. They rp Assassins but act more like stereotypical Templars imho.

Thankfully, I know two who are nice people in this rpc.

6 notes • Posted 2021-02-12 22:42:15 GMT

Closed || Fake date

Nat had been followed. Followed by this guy that did not take no for an answer. In his desperation, Nat had said he was waiting for his date, which he wasn't. The obnoxious guy had begun to lose his patience, eyeing him in a way Nat didn't like. In a try to escape him, he'd left the place. Trying to sneak out, but he had followed. Fuck. As he walked, his gaze roamed after someone he could seek help from, but no one looked promising. Feeling the guy getting closer, Nat finally saw someone that felt right.

"Hey, sorry I misunderstood the meeting place," he called out, giving the man he had approached a quick peck on the cheek while whispering. "Please play along." Nat just hoped this man wouldn't be offended, but instead actually help him.

7 notes • Posted 2021-07-07 02:31:01 GMT

Please unfollow me if:

You support gatekeeping in the rp community. Yes, I do get why, but I think rping can be a good way to learn about something: a culture, disability etc. As long as you research and that you accept friendly advise from people in that group, I don't see anything wrong with rping a muse belonging to something you don't. If you don't like what you see, just unfollow/block. Tbh, I think gatekeeping will always do more harm than good in the long run. And yes, I belong to several minority groups myself that are frequently misrepresented when shown in media.

You tell people who they can or can't rp with. I understand that people can get hurt, but that's what the block function is for. Telling people to not interact with someone just because of your own experience is both illogical and selfish.

You bash on people for liking/disliking a specific character. We all have different taste and that's fine, but being rude towards someone else because they don't feel the same about a character as you do is just stupid and immature.

You guilt trip people for something they like to rp. As long as you tag sensitive or generally viewed as disturbing topics, rp whatever you want. You're not a bad person for wanting to rp 'forbidden' topics.

All in all, if you're one of those who feel the need to vent your dislike to the mun rping whatever it is you dislike, instead of just unfollow/block quietly, I'm not the right rp partner for you.

8 notes • Posted 2021-07-09 05:36:10 GMT

Cont. from [x] with @mr007pennyworth

“Okay, Sir.” Nat confirmed and once the gate was unlocked for him to enter, he hurried up to the house and the front door. The place looked so neat and clean that he had to pause inside the door to remove his shoes. There was no way he’d walk inside with them. He left the jacket there too, not generally liking to enter people’s homes off hours in his work clothes, but this place made it feel almost sacrilege to do so. Though he was glad for the open floorplan, otherwise he might never have found the kitchen.

“Mr. Pennyworth. I wish we met during better circumstances, Jason speaks very highly of you,” Nat greeted, giving the older man a small smile, even if it couldn’t chase away the worry in his eyes. “I’m sorry to just drop by like this, but i didn’t know where else to go. I know he sometimes...ehm... get in trouble and sometimes just needs some time off. I thought if that was the case, you might know and if he’s in trouble, well the quicker we can start looking for him, the quicker we can find him.” And the more likely he were to still be alive.

10 notes • Posted 2021-08-26 22:14:09 GMT

Relationships

Thought I might do a little update about Nat’s different relationships. I won’t mention all of them, but the ones that are the most important to him. If your muse isn’t mentioned, it doesn’t mean that Nat (or me) doesn’t like them, but not all relationships can be deep/special.

ROMANTIC

Nathanael’s most prominent romantic relationship is with Dionisus Rosali ( @goldentemplariumcrow ) and Jason Todd ( @rxsurrxcted ). Yes, they’re a throuple and very happy together, except when certain people decide to try and die and a certain other person has to drag them back to life.

However, his oldest romantic relationship is in his Star Trek verse with fellow medical personnel Isiah Knight ( @whydotheykeeptakingmine ).

MAYBE ROMANTIC

Feelings are starting to brew for Oliver Queen ( @thegreenxrcher ). Ollie is a charming and interesting person, though Nat wish he could be a little bit more careful. It would be nice to patch him up a little less frequently (which is not gonna happen and Nat knows that).

PLATONIC

There isn’t anything he wouldn’t do for his friend Ella Doe ( @thewonderingsorceress ). She might think he’s a way too cheerful pain in the ass, but they both know that she too cares about him.

Bucky Barnes ( @weaponizedembrace ) helped him through a really rough part of his life. Though Bucky would probably claim Nat was the one who started the helping. Despite that Bucky is considerably more durable than Nat, he’d throw himself in front of any thread towards his friend.

And that’s it. These are the relationships Nat finds the most important. Some of them are more active than others. Some were brief and some mostly happens outside of Tumblr, but they are all relationships that have made great impact on him as a person.

12 notes • Posted 2021-07-12 15:46:36 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

#my 2021 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review

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overtureofchaos · 5 years ago

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When Things Change

I was asked by several people to post this one shot on Tumblr. It is also on my Wattpad profile. This is my first attempt at a Y/N one shot, so I hope you enjoy it.

Plot: You and Carisi have been roommates for years, but after a near-death experience, everything changes.

Starts after the events of 18x7

Content: sex, violence, mentions of rape. All mild.

As you stood looking down at the pregnancy test, your stomach flipped more that you thought it ever could. Throwing up in the morning was one thing but this was where the rubber hit the road. It was not just some bug; you had a baby in you. His baby. You could ask yourself how it happened but at the end of the day you knew full well how it happened. Though you and your roommate had long been friends with benefits, mostly on bad nights or heavy cases or around test days, Sonny had already passed the bar so for him the super stressful school days were over. For you though, you were still plugging along trying hard to get your nursing degree. Thankfully you were in clinicals now, but the days were long and sometimes unforgiving. Back when he was still in school you two would have long nights studying and grilling each other. Sometimes those nights would end with a romp but Sonny always used a condom. Not the last time though. Something shifted that day. Not that you two were in love or anything like that, but something in his attitude and mentality.

The day had been normal for you. School, and the afternoon at the coffee shop. That didn’t pay much and with reduced hours, there was a need for more money. You could not let Sonny pay for everything so you took on a side gig in the evenings that seemed easy enough. Before the night in question, Sonny told you about this case where one of the possible witnesses was a professional cuddler. It sounded so ludacris but you kept thinking to yourself it was definitely something you could do and you found her services online, went for an interview and was hired. The job paid well and currently did not have any negative effects on your life. The extra money was nice and because Sonny was always so busy at work he never questioned where your money for bills was coming from. You were not doing anything illegal or even explicit.

Sometimes his days were very long and he would come back tired or cranky or not in the mood to even conversate. That seemed to be more often than usual now. He’d expressed early on a crush on his partner, which was fine because even though the two of you had sex you were not in any way romantically involved. There was no heart in it, just bodies - just sex. He’d had some god-awful cases over the past year or so - someone on his squad died, they’d chased two different serial killers, a cold case serial rapist… the work he did was terrifying but no matter what you two remained the best of friends and could always lean on each other if you just needed to vent.

That particular night, he came in later in the afternoon. Hearing the door, you yelled out but no one responded so you got a little freaked. “Sonny? That better be you!” Nothing. Poking your head out from your room slowly to access the situation you saw your closest friends ever standing in the living room nearly catatonic. How he got home was beyond you. There was blood on his face and in his hairline. Slowly you approached with your hands up and out just in case he wasn’t really connected to reality. Knowing his job was dangerous was something you had long ago settled with. He ran the risk everyday of getting hurt or killed but he loved his job and he was great at it. You could do nothing but respect him for the risks he took day to day to keep both you and the city safe. The closer you got you could see there was blood on his shirt and tie and right on him there was something in his hair. Being a nursing student that had considered working in an ER you recognized the mass as brain matter.

Your expression dropped away. “Holy shit, Sonny. What happened to you?” He did not answer you. Slowly you eased him onto the coffee table. Normally you would yell at him for sitting on the coffee table but all the years you two had lived together you knew his favorite places to sit were tables. Easily three times a week you would snap at him about the perfectly good sofa he could be resting his ass on. He would just smirk like a dick and stay on the table. Or he would stand and thrust his hands into his pockets. The man was happier about pockets than any woman ever could be. He’d flaunt them like nothing else. Unsure what to do you knew he would have been checked out at the scene of whatever happened; surely this was work related. Either way you went to the kitchen and filled a bowl with warm water and grabbed a rag to clean him up. He just sat there staring out the window not responding to anything you were doing. He did, however, let you lead him.

After cleaning his face up, you walked him to his bedroom and started removing his clothes. To hopefully arouse some interest in his current situation, with every button you spoke out what you were doing and rare as it was, you were thankful he was not wearing a three-piece today of all days. You made him sit on the bed and removed his shoes and shimmied him out of his slacks and gently forced him back on the bed. He still had not said a single word. Because you’d lived together for years, you did have the numbers of everyone in his unit and thought very seriously about reaching out to his lieutenant, but if this was not work related you didn’t want to get him in trouble. Sonny would need to tell you what to do. He just laid there, so you left him and took his clothing to clean out any blood and hopefully salvage the shirt and tie. About an hour passed before you decided to check back on him. He had not moved an inch.

The only thing you could think to do was give him some human interaction. Your newly discovered cuddling skills came into play so you stripped down to your tank and undies - to match his attire - and crawled onto the bed in front of him, letting him be the big spoon. It was a good thing no one was working that night because you fell asleep to the sound of his breath steadying on your neck. About maybe four in the morning, you finally felt him stir. His arms wrapped around you and pulled you closer and before long he was rolling you toward him so he could see your face. He hesitated but finally spoke, choking a little on his words, they were rife with emotions.

“Y/N, thank you. You didn’t have to do all that. I mean, I appreciate all of it.”

Clearly he comprehended what you had done for him so it was nice to see he hadn’t had a complete mental break. “Sonny, what happened?” You whispered softly, cupping his cheek. “You had blood on you and, uh, brain?” How do you say that without setting him off again, but the two of you have always been able to speak candidly with each other.

“We had to go to Jersey. This cop had kidnapped a girl and we knew he had her but it was just Lieu and I. I found her in the house but he was in there too and he, uh, he put a gun right to my head. I thought he was going to kill me, Y/N. He maybe would have if Lieu hadn’t shown up when she did. No hesitation, she shot him. In the head. I was able to stay composed when I was with her but the moment I was alone, I couldn’t help but realize I could have died today. And if Mike hadn’t died? I don’t know that Lieu would have been so vigilant, ya know?”

Hearing what he’d been through you could not help but feel those similar emotions. He was still distraught and with you he didn’t have to save face. There was no need for that squad room bravado here. He could be as stripped and bare as he needed to be. He had always allowed the same with you. As close as you were in this moment you were not expecting what happened next. The two of you had sex before but it was always playful, why-the-hell-not kind of sex. It was never romantic and he’d always used to condom. Hell, after you always went to separate bedrooms, so even lying in each other's arms was different, but maybe that contributed. First he kissed you, then he took over and you let him. It wasn’t just sex that night. You felt like you’d made love but never would you admit that to Sonny’s face.

You would; however, tell your closest workmate (B/F) what happened. They knew that you and Sonny fooled around every once in a while and also knew that you cared about him. When you want more from someone, it is usually easier for someone else to see than yourself. Denial is an excellent camouflage. The weeks after things change a little between the two of you. There was a lot more touching and a lot more texts making sure each other were okay. But there was no more sex and you started to think it was just different that one night and things would eventually feel normal again. Pushing down your growing feelings for your roommate was nothing new. That was until you started feeling queasy in the morning.

At work, you walked straight up to B/F and pulled them aside. “I think I’m pregnant.”

B/F just stared at you blankly for a minute before responding. “Like with a baby?”

You couldn’t help but smack them in the arm. “What? Of course with a baby. I can’t have a giraffe. JC, Mary and Joseph, B/F. What am I gonna do?”

“I am assuming this is from your passionate romp with Son-Son? I mean you haven’t said you’ve been with anyone else since the night he almost died, right?” B/F could be a real ass sometimes but no matter what they kept things real. “I mean, Detective Hottie would be a good dad, right? You’re not thinking you’d, you know?” Twirling their finger around insinuating an abortion.

“What? No! Come on, but I mean, I haven’t taken a test yet, so I still need to confirm but I have to do it first thing in the morning. You break before me today. If I give you some cash will you run to the bodega and grab me a test? Please?”

All B/F could do was laugh. “You got it, Y/N. I would do anything for you. Besides, I want to know so I need to be on this journey with you, girl.”

Now, test in hand - more precisely, test in shaking hand, that big plus sign was screaming at you. You could hear Sonny in the kitchen making coffee and probably breakfast. Swallowing you buried the test in the trash, sent B/F a quick text saying it was positive, and then hopped in the shower. It wasn’t out of the ordinary for Sonny to come in while you were in there or you when he was, but given there was that screaming gem in the garbage your body tensed the moment you heard him walk in. “Hey, Y/N, where is my green dress shirt? The darker one. Didn’t it come back from the cleaners?”

Relaxing a little you continued to shower,”Yes, it should be in your closest. I picked it up yesterday.”

“It’s not though, I already looked.”

Knowing how out of it you were the day before you bit into your lip thankful Sonny could not see your face. “Check my closet then? I mean, I could have accidentally hung it in mine. I’m not perfect.”

You heard him leave and then yell out to you though you could not make out what he said before he returned. “Bingo. Wow, you know, I never realized how organized you are. I like it.” Next thing I know he is pulling the curtain back and smiling like an idiot. Your first reaction was to cover yourself knowing full well he’d not only seen but explored every part of your body. Still casual sex versus this you were taken aback. Furling your brow you tried not to smile, “Can I help you, detective?” So busy looking at his face you didn’t see he wasn’t dressed until he climbed in the shower with you.

“What the hell, Sonny?” He pulled you close to him and the skin on skin contact made your breath catch. He wasn’t some big strapping hunk all muscle bound, but he was perfect in so many ways. In a suit he looked skinny, but there was enough there to hold onto. There was just enough chest hair to not be gross - not overly hairy and not under hairy like a boy. Lanky suited him. Only 6 feet tall he had the longest thighs you’d ever seen on a man from hip to knee. You thought he was well proportioned everywhere that mattered.

He turned you around and pulled your hair off to the side to gain access to your neck. Even though there were moderate grunts of protest your body was fully responding to his touch. Your back arched and you could feel him hard against you while his hand gripped your hip and forced you closer, his other found your rock hard nipples and started playing with them just before you had to brace yourself against the shower wall. He was in you, kissing and nibbling on your back and neck and with each of his thrusts forward you rocked back in turn. His had left your nipple and made its way down to your clit, sure it was pulsating under his lengthy fingers. The two of you never had shower sex before but if this is what it was like you were willing every day. Holding you close as your body let go, the orgasm he gave you made you nearly collapse. He was soon to follow and it took a few minutes for either of you to recover.

You turned to him with a shit-eating grin and lightly smacked his chest. “What the fuck was that all about? I mean, I am not complaining but it seems out of character. You okay?”

All he could do was kiss you. “You were taking too long and I need to get ready for work too here. I mean, if you’re going to be a shower hog,” he shrugged and pursed his lips as he forced you to change positions with him with a laugh. Now he was under the water, soap in hand.

“So being a shower hog means I get that? Geez, Carisi, I will hog the shower every day then. You aren’t buying yourself free bathroom time.” You returned the laughter and got out of the shower trying your hardest to not glance at the waste basket. Had he seen it? Is that why he was so fucking giddy? Either way, you had class and were gone before he was even out of the shower. The day was long and trying to decide how to tell him was the hardest thing you’d ever encountered. This was a life changer. Kids. Sonny was a proud uncle and godfather, but a father? Like children of his own? On top of that with a woman he lived with and did not love. What would his mother say? Or worse, think of you? Certainly Mrs. Carisi would be overjoyed to have another grandbaby and one from her only son, no less, but Sonny’s dad was a jerk. The two of you spent many nights over the years talking about their parents and even meeting each other’s families, friends and co-workers. People found it hard to believe there was never more between the two of you but aside from very casual sex things had been very much a friendship until he almost got killed.

Walking into work there was definitely a bit of a pep in your step that morning. Had you only taken the pregnancy test, chances were you would feel queasy all day long and not just these morning blahs created by the growing baby Carisi. But Sonny was completely on point this morning and that made you smile enough for B/F to notice. Immediately they came over to you, “Girl, you are glowing! Tell me, tell me. I mean I saw your text but he must have been happy as hell for you to be floating like this!”

Their giddiness was infectious. “Stop it!” You giggled as you pulled them into the back room. “No, I didn’t tell Sonny at all. I think I would have, but he was in a mood this morning. He came into the bathroom several times when I was showering which isn’t out of the ordinary, but he crawled into the shower with me and damn, B/F” You clutched your chest and took a deep breath.

B/F raised a brow. “The shower? Like damn, what has gotten into him lately? He can’t get enough of you girl. It’s that man's prowess. He knows you’re pregnant even if he doesn’t know it. You’re sexier to him and he can’t get enough of you. But seriously, when are you gonna tell him for real?” That was not a question you had an answer for.

Thankfully, in the nicest sense, Sonny caught a case that kept him working, something about a nanny kidnapping the boy she watched because she didn’t like the woman she worked for. That was scary because there were so many nannies in New York City. Would you two have to pay for a nanny? Would that be a question? Your mind said you were not fixing this. There was a baby in existence and that child deserved to live and even if Sonny didn’t love you the way a man should love a child’s mother he would certainly love his kid. That man was way too Catholic to want anything other than the child. Your biggest concern right now was did he already know? You’d thrown the trash down the shoot and the test was still in there. Sonny was just acting weird.

When he finally came home you were sitting at the table doing school work. You said hello but kept studying, trying to get a feel for his mood. Jumping up and running to greet him had never been your way and a couple of crazy encounters shouldn’t change that. He set down his keys, badge and gun; took off his coat and then his wallet. This was his routine and nothing had changed. He was telling you how the case went and how they found the boy safe and unharmed and it was crazy how far people would go to prove they were right. They could break every law and still not feel deserving of the consequences. Then onto the couch. “Hey, Y/N, come here a sec, would ya?”

Tapping your pencil on your notebook, there was seriousness in his voice that raised concern. So you walked around the couch expecting to take his seat on the coffee table but instead he pulled you onto his lap, forcing your legs apart so you were straddling him. Your back arched again. All these years and though you’d found him attractive, these past few weeks were different. Sexiness came from how affectionate he was, or could be, and the man oozed it. He pulled you in for a kiss before talking. “We’ve been doing that a lot lately. Everything okay? I mean it sounded like you guys did good. Saved the child?”

“Yeah, I mean, life is pretty good. I’ve just been thinking. You and me, I know we go way back but here recently I can’t help but think we’re really good together, right? I mean, you could see it if you tried right? Being, maybe, more than just friends? Just roommates?”

That shot a jolt of fear through you. And concern. Had he discovered the test and now he was just trying to do what was right? It was one thing to know you were undoubtedly falling head over heels for this guy but to entrap him with a baby was a totally different scenario. He had every right to be a part of his child’s life but should never be forced into a loveless relationship and neither of you had ever professed your love. Great sex was not love and sadly, making babies together was not love either. Even though he could probably see that expression of fear all over your face, you tried hard to play it off. “Seriously, we share a couple of earth shaking orgasms and now you want to take a stab at forever, Sonny? Don’t be so mean.”

“I am serious,” he said, visibly hurt by your words. Almost that look a man would have if he proposed and then was rejected. Had you made him feel rejected?

“Come on, Sonny, how long have we been friends. You cannot be serious. That is just, well, it’s a little ridiculous. And insulting.” You feverishly were trying to protect your heart here, not knowing if this was the right time to spring the baby on him or even figure out if he knew. If you had to guess you were fishing for the latter. As you started to rise off his lap, what came next was not expected in the least. His nostrils flared a little and despite not being a big, bulky man, he was strong. He gripped your arms and threw you off to the side, landing on the couch. He’d actually hurt you. Was he so butt hurt that you didn’t take his seriously that he was willing to hurt you?

“Ouch, Sonny, that fucking hurt! You asshole!”

But he was up and on his feet now pacing. “That hurt? You landed on the sofa, Y/N. And, and, I’m an asshole? What about you? I put it out there, my heart on the line and you what, you just laugh at me like this is a big fucking joke? Good enough to live with, good enough to fuck but nothing else, huh? You don’t think I could take care of you?” He was screaming and you should have appeared visibly frightened to him. Something you think would make him stop but the only explanation you had in your head was he knew you were pregnant and this rejection was too much to handle. Sonny had yelled before around you but never laid hands on you and even though he hadn’t hit you your arms were still throbbing from his grip.

Dumbstruck, your own anger rose to the surface. “One second you are telling me you think we’d be great together and the next you’re tossing me around like afucking ragdoll because, what? I didn’t think you were serious? I deserved for you to lash out at me like that? You’re acting like your dad, Dominick.” You spit those words out with way more vitriol that you’d planned. Sonny tried so hard to be anything but Dominick Carisi the Senior and yet here you were fighting with him because his temper got the better of him. His face grayed. If not taking him seriously about a relationship hit a nerve, that statement must have set all of them on fire.

“What the hell did you just say to me?” He took a step forward and stopped but his finger was pointing at you and there were tears building in both your eyes. He looked pissed still but more hurt than upset.

Trying your damnedest to stand your ground. “You really think I would be okay with this behavior? You don’t love me, Sonny. You picked me up and threw me like I was nothing. I don’t give a shit what kind of man I thought you were, I can’t have this baby. And have to deal with that temper, all the time? Is that what this is? Like, make me love you and then you just turn into your father? I will not lie down for you. Fuck you. I’m leaving. I’m gonna go to B/F’s place. You can stay here and wonder what the hell just happened. I’m out.” You stormed off to your room, shaking and crying and could not find your phone before you realized it was still on the table with all your books. “Fuck,” you muttered. You two had never had an argument. Not once in nearly five years. Trying your best to calm down you pulled your gym bag out of the closet and broke down in tears.

Sonny, on the other hand, was now standing alone in the living room trying to figure out what the fuck just happened. He’d thought all day about you and how there was a shift and about your past together and it all seemed so crazy that he had not realized sooner he’d fallen for you. Amanda had teased him before about it but no matter how many times he heard it from other people he’d never been able to admit it. But then he almost died and thinking deeply about the people he loved or even the people that would be upset had he been killed, you were right there in the forefront, even before his mother and sisters. The detective part of his brain kicked into overdrive. On the way home he’d worked himself up thinking there was no way that a girl like you could ever love a guy like him. The sex was great and really, everything else seemed great too, so why not see where it could go. Getting angry was the last thing he’d thought about and yet here he was exploding with emotion and so raw.

You’d equated him to his father, which is the last man in the world Sonny ever wanted to be compared to. You overreacted and said he’d thrown you when all he was trying to do was get you off him and if he did that too harshly he was sorry, but his heart was breaking because he swear you’d said something about a baby? And not just a generic statement but the words ‘this baby’ as in an already existing child? And then the comparison to his father? That was a low blow but was it because you were pregnant? His confusion was too much. Taking a breath, a big one, he went to your room and knocked on the door before opening it.

You were curled on the bed crying. Sonny walked around, hands up and started talking like he would to a rape victim at work. “We need to talk. And you have every right to be mad at me, Y/N, you do, but you can’t shut me out like this. Not after what you said out there.”

Eyes burning you found the courage to look at his face. “I know, Sonny. It was unfair of me to compare you to your father, and I am sorry. But I have never seen you that angry and you have never treated me that way. I am totally caught off guard by it.” Sitting up, you grabbed a pillow and pulled it close to your body, squeezing it like a child would a teddy bear. “What is going on with you? Lately you have been so different.”

“It’s not obvious?” He asked, confused.

“Obvious? The only thing obvious here is that we just had a major blow up and I am not sure we can come back from this.”

“Don’t you think we have to? I mean we should, right?” He nodded in your direction but you were not putting two and two together.

“What do you mean we have to?”

Sonny had always been really great and knowing when a woman was pregnant given just how much time he’d spent around women. His baby sisters, his partner - every time they were pregnant, Sonny knew. How had he missed it with you?

“Y/N, you said out there, I can’t have this baby… you’re pregnant. And you didn’t tell me? Were you going to? Cause I am so confused.”

There would be no way Sonny would miss the color leaving your face. You said that out loud? Holy shit. You were upset and not thinking, but that was not the way you wanted Sonny to hear about it. Somehow you thought you would not have to tell him, that he would know and just ask you and then you could answer honestly. Instead, you spewed it out in a hateful, over-dramatic way because you didn’t think he could seriously ever love you despite how much he had changed over the past few weeks. You loved Sonny and deep down you knew it and were too afraid to admit it and then finding out you were having his baby you also knew you didn’t feel worthy enough to be the mother of his child.

Choking back your emotions you began to speak slowly and as steadily as you possibly could. “Sonny, I, um…”

He moved to sit on the bed with you, calm as ever, the man you knew you loved. “I am so sorry I scared you. That is not who I am, Y/N and I hope you know that, but this is big and we do need to at least talk about this. I mean, you didn’t mean it did you? You wouldn’t get rid of the baby, would you?”

“No! It’s just, I found out last week the morning you came into the shower. You were acting so unlike you and I thought you’d seen the box or the test and I am still not sure why you haven’t asked about it? I just thought you were acting differently because you knew. And then you’re asking me out there if we should be a thing and that we work great together and I felt like because you had to know that you were only asking me because I am pregnant and not because you really love me or want to be with me or us. Then you got angry and I have never seen you so angry, not once and I must be the reason right? Me or the baby or both?” By time you were done with the hysterical rant you were practically out of breath.

All Sonny could do was smile. He felt like a total ass for allowing his temper to get the better of him. “Did I hurt you out there? I mean, I know I hurt you, but are you hurt, like needing to go to the hospital hurt?” All you could do was nod no. “Okay, I want to put it out there that I didn’t know. I have been acting so differently because when Cole tried to kill me, my world changed. I have been shot at and I know the job is dangerous, but literally my life flashed before my eyes. And on the way home, once I was alone, I had time to think about everything I would be leaving behind and how much I would miss you. And then you took care of me and I realized how you really always have. You work two jobs,” he smiled that beautiful, crooked smile, “Yeah, don’t think I don’t know about the cuddling thing. Either way. You pick up my dry cleaning, you were my biggest cheerleader when I was at Fordham. You’re everything, Y/N. So, yeah, things were different that night and I wasn’t sure how to tell you without freaking you out.”

You started laughing through the falling tears. His words were sweet and you knew that moment of upset was just as much a misunderstanding as it was a shock to both you. Sonny was not Dominick - never had been, never would be. This whole thing was a moment in time, two people who’d fallen in love and were too afraid to admit it. “Our child is going to be born talking, isn’t it?”

You both laughed. The tears in his eyes were those of joy. He pointed and you nodded before he crawled up on the bed the rest of the way, beside you, and took you into his arms.

“I love you, Y/N. I promise I will never, ever lash out like that again. Will you promise me something though?”

Looking up into his eyes, “I love you too, Sonny. And I am sorry I didn’t just tell you. What do you want me to promise?”

“That the next time there is something THIS big, you tell me?”

“I promise.”

#my writing #sonny carisi #y/n #one shot #svu

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askthesnake · 6 years ago

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Hey m8, I have an idea for a comic (I've already designed the characters and have a blog for it but I don't know how to start it or get people to see it, and I'm not really confident in my art skills. Any advice?

Of course!

Lets look at what you've accomplished! You have the characters and the basic story figured out! That's a great start and honestly it's one of the hardest things to do when you're starting a comic.

As for getting people to actually see and interact with your comic, for Tumblr its all about the tags. Depending on what type of comic it is can sort of help you decide which tags to use. So for example if its web comic do stuff like #webcomic or maybe the genre of the comic can help too.

If its a comic for a fandom you're also pretty set too. Character tags are always pretty buzzing with people looking for fresh content. Just be respectful and responsible and don't tag characters that don't have Any thing to do with your work. Like for example, when I first started this blog, I included tags for ALL the sides, despite the fact that in the beginning my asks only had Deceit featured in them. Thankfully I didn't get hounded for it and I learned eventually, but either way just be responsible about tagging.

Oh while we're still on tagging, if your comic has some thing potentially triggering remember to tag that appropriately. Like for blood #tw blood or #blood mention as an example.

As for your art style and lack of confidence there of, just know you're definitely not alone. I've met a plethora of artists and I can confidently say none of them are truly ever happy or confident with their work. Even now I find myself looking at work I've done like a few days ago and wretching. I can however positively tell you that running this ask blog/comic has SIGNIFICANTLY improved my art style in at least half the time it would have taken normally. Its because im drawing constantly and always trying new things to make the art for this blog more appealing to new viewers. Running a comic is a fantastic way to better your art and gain confidence in it. Like yeah im not always super happy with what I post here, but looking back at stuff I've in the past compared to some of the stuff I've put on this blog honestly kinda boosts my confidence as am artist. Not to mention it really high lights where you've improved and where you still need to work on things. Personally I like your art style!! I got your Deceit drawing and I think it's wonderful! You're really not as bad as you think you are, and personally I think you've got a pretty strong style to start with.

I guess my next piece of advice is, to put it simply, never under any circumstances take shit from others. Do not let people's words and comments discourage you. Ever. Its much easier said than done I know, and even now I can't really give you any advice on how to avoid such things. The best I can do is warn you. I've had personal friends make fun of me for running this blog and like honestly that hurts differently. I made this blog when I was going through a very eye opening and dark time in my life, so naturally it means a whole lot to me. This blog was and still very much is a safe place for me to run too. There are going to be people who aren't going to understand that unfortunately and I really wasn't prepared for it. So hear this, be prepared for shitty people to rag on you for doing some thing that makes you happy. Im not saying it WILL happen, just be prepared just in case. Also on a similar note ignore anon hate. I think during my year with this blog I've only gotten one anon hate message, and it wasn't even that bad?? It was someone commenting on my chubby Logan post. Whatever, literally ignore the hell out of anon hate. People who take time out of there to bully someone on this godforsaken website aren't worth your time.

But, if anon hate does get to you, always know that you can talk to someone. My askbox and dms are always open if someone wants to talk or vent. People are assholes, and sometimes if you gotta vent you gotta vent.

Also, don't ever let your comic and blog impede your mental health. If you're feelin bad you're feelin bad. Remember to drink water and stay hydrated. Then again, if drawing is how you cope, then by all means draw your heart out you funky lil artist.

Finally, don't be afraid to reblog your own stuff. I do it, I know other art tumblrs who do it. You're gonna feel bad and annoying about doing it, but just do it man. It's not bad or wrong. I live on the west coast, historically Ive been known to post my art at like 12-4 am. Once like noon hits where I'm at I'll reblog my own art just to make sure everyone saw it, and then I'll reblog it again at some random time the next day just because.

Also, a small secret about this blog, I sent the first ask to this blog. I literally logged off this blog, hopped on my old tumblr and sent an ask to this blog. Its a pretty easy way to show people that your blog is Up and Running. Im not sure what kind of comic your making, but if its an interactive one like a web comic and you're not getting any asks, then there is no shame in doing this.

#long post

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sunnysynthsunshine · 7 years ago

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Negative memories

“ As someone with Aspergers (now known as ASD) who has other issues with mental health, it’s hell. (note: I am not diagnosed with any other mental condition other than Aspergers but I have experienced the following) (Depressive thoughts, Anxiety (the emotion not the mental illness), panic attacks, strange mood swings, talking to myself, delusions, overthinking, various flashbacks of past negative events, feeling dazed and getting choking type feelings sometimes)

(I haven’t seen a therapist before outside of unhelpful school counselors) .

if I’m having a panic attack I can’t tell the difference between if it’s a panic, anxiety or a “Meltdown”/”wobble”.

It’s just ever since I found out in my secondary school years about my ASD I’ve never looked at myself the same way again.

when I was little I tried to interact with neurotypical children and I tried to follow the crowd with each popular trend mainly early 2000s celebrity trends.

I did see the school counselor a few times for “bullying” incidents but they weren’t helpful and I was a brat who couldn’t take criticism ’so while some of the bullying was real some of what young me would’ve called bullying wasn’t bullying at all.

as Year 11/12 approached I became more pessimistic, quiet and cynical than the chipper annoyance I used to be I used to “entertain” for people I’d sing Disney songs in the playground and eventually anime songs when I got in my weeaboo phase. however when your audience is a bunch of years 8′s/year 9′s etc. they get demanding I felt like a real-life school celebrity or kids show presenter I liked entertaining them but soon they’d follow me almost EVERYWHERE.

like I’d be at the crowded canteen waiting to get food and there some boy would be with his mate asking for a song or “to be my friend” (which was fake because they would say be my friend as a joke) I would decline the offer and then months upon months would follow of me being chased around the playground by kids younger than me yet one of my first career goals was to be like the celebrities I saw on tv.

I had nobody to go to the school itself was already riddled with bullying incidents, two tragedies, homophobia, and other issues.

because of this and the recently learned diagnosis of Aspergers that I’ve had since I was a toddler I was unhealthy, I had asthma sometimes, certain classes and classmates, I dreaded going to,I’d skip lunch on a regular basis to avoid crowds, food and times where those kids would sit at the table I’d plan to sit at just to annoy me.

Anime and the Internet was my escapism but then I became an annoying weeaboo who was also a bit classist after messing on online quiz’s and finding the term “chav” I’d use to insult anyone online or offline whom I hated. (eventually stopped that though thankfully)

The Internet was my haven but it was also a prison. I’d talk to anyone regardless of if they were a fascist troll meme poster or not and that resulted in toxic friend circles, I got into polyamory dating anime roleplayers on Google+ that also ended badly with me at times not being able to tell the difference between reality and fiction, I didn’t have access to “real life” boyfriends so my “online reverse harem” was my only source of romance.

I also was still discovering my sexuality and religion choices at that time. I still remember having rumors spread about me almost every day, religion was something that often changed for me despite being Christian I was an atheist for a short while before I discovered Satanism/Luciferianism which in my opinion was cool but when I told one of my friends at the time about it the popular girls had overheard and soon for months I could not go to class or the playground without people saying “Kelsey do you believe in satan/do you worship the devil, do you like Lucifer” another similar recurring incident involved the two anime terms “Hentai” and “Yaoi” I only knew the name of the first term I didn’t watch any of it but yaoi, on the other hand, I read a lot of but these are secondary school students who barely know what anime is and when they hear it in an IT room this gets embarrassing “did you hear Kelsey likes Japanese gay porn” Ugh.

and when stupid me decided to tell some people about how I was “pansexual” (the identity I had called myself then) they fetishized it they asked stupid questions out of nowhere like “do you think we’re hot, sexy,etc.” or “do you think (insert male classmate) is hot” and it was horrible

my friendship circle at the time often changed sometimes I’d have a couple of friends other times I was completely alone and sometimes a few of those ex-friends would have drama which I, unfortunately, got involved in.

and because of all of this, I’d often lash out or make small problems or disagreements I had with my parents worse than they really were and I’d, unfortunately, post those vents on my old Google+ which I regret.

I had dark thoughts not just thoughts about death but the thoughts JD from Heathers would have due to life and due to a mix of loneliness and feeling manipulated by a very toxic ex-friend of mine who almost destroyed me emotionally (basically, almost columbine type thoughts but I never acted on them).

Eventually, I moved on,I did a Performing Arts course and I thought that would be a sign of life getting better. half of it was good the other not so much.

I was still struggling to recover from what the former ex-friend had done to me, sure there were more positive memories there than there was in secondary school but I had a habit of being a bit of a “Debby Downer” I’d bring up the past too much, sometimes I’d assume too many things were about me even if they weren’t and because of me being someone who would blindly follow I got manipulated again I had become toxic, politically I was an annoying centrist

it didn’t help that one of my hobbies “dancing” was made to be a less fun activity by a discouraging dance instructor who would put me down..a lot.

luckily at the start of this year, I started realizing what was wrong, the person who manipulated me stopped appearing in class so that gave me more time to think about how I act towards others and how I shouldn’t blindly follow, I constructed some vents into poetry and tried to work on “recovery”.

Mentally things were improving a bit, I eventually managed to work on a production of West Side Story which will remain in my positive memories for years,I got more active on social media that wasn’t Google+ like Tumblr and Twitter which allowed me to get to know some new mutuals I had met, I still sometimes visit Google+ but only for the memes, aesthetics, and mutuals who I can only contact there.

Now I’m doing a new course (Creative Media) with some new people and reuniting with some old faces from before. and my health is quite better compared to then but I still get those times where I’m depressive when I get panic attacks when I get delusions or get negative flashbacks etc.

I wasted years of my life because of that...because of Aspergers because of how I used to act like, because of how I blindly followed people, who were clearly bad influences, because of the bullying because of my bad choices everything.

I wasted so much energy but now..I’m 17 I’ll be an adult next year and Asperger's wise I’m miles more independent than before, politically anarchist and I want to let every one of you know.

it’s ok

mental health is still a widely misunderstood topic most people deal with

you are not alone

we are here for you

#mental health #aspergers #aspergers syndrome #asd #vent #personal #mental health awareness #childhood #secondary school years #flashbacks

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killingxrangers · 7 years ago

Text

It Start with a Like- Chapter Two

Trini had ended up showering before she went to bed, and attempted to push all thoughts about Kimberly Hart from her mind. There was no reason for the top girl in their grade to like or comment on a photo of someone as unknown as Trini, and it definitely had nothing to do with Kimberly being into girls. Kimberly and her boyfriend were affectionate enough in the hallways (to the point of frequently being warned by various teachers) for anyone to question their commitment to one another. And even if Kimberly was into girls, which Trini does not believe, why would Kimberly go for Trini when she could be with her gorgeous best friend? None of it made any sense and Trini wanted to sleep and forget about any interaction with Kimberly Hart. She was just about to close her eyes and try to sleep when her phone vibrated just once, signaling something from Instagram. Most likely Zack sending her memes, but she checked nonetheless.

She nearly choked when she saw she had a message from k.harteyes.

Hi. It’s Kim Hart

Trini blinked a few times as she read the message once, twice, three times before hovering over the keypad. Should she respond? Did she even want to respond? She originally wanted to sleep and pretend Kimberly never acknowledged her, but that seemed to be impossible now. Besides, Kimberly would be able to tell that Trini had read the message and was promptly ignored if she didn’t respond, so now she doesn’t have much of a choice.

She typed a quick and simple hello, and wasn't expecting the message to immediately be read, but then she saw Kimberly was typing back and now Trini definitely didn’t know what to do. Fucking Kimberly Hart was clearly trying to have some type of conversation with Trini, what the hell should she do? Text back? About what?

k.harteyes: Just wanted to let you know the pic you posted was very nice. You’re really gorgeous

Trini_Gomez: Uuuh thanks

k.harteyes: Sorry if I woke you up. Having a shit night but your pic made me smile

Trini stared down at her phone for a minute wondering how she was supposed to reply to that message. She didn’t know Kimberly. They weren’t friends. Trini didn’t know how to socialize or console. What was she supposed to do?

Trini_Gomez: I was awake. Sorry to hear you’re not having a good night

That didn’t sound right and Trini frowned at her screen, knowing her message was too apathetic. Kimberly was clearly reaching out for a reason and Trini should probably try to sound like a normal human being.

Trini_Gomez: Wanna talk about it?

Whenever Zack was upset over something regarding his sick mother, Trini always tried to get him to talk about it, and while he rarely did he always appreciated the effort. The least Trini could do was offer the same to Kimberly, especially after the girl went out of her way to call Trini gorgeous, something no one besides Zack had ever done before. And Zack had never called her gorgeous, but pretty and attractive to boost her confidence and hot when he was drunk. In the beginning of their friendship Zack didn't try to hide his interest in Trini, which makes Trini now highly doubt the guy’s gaydar, but he flirted relentlessly until Trini said she was gay. Zack dropped his flirting and moved on to trying to be Trini’s wingman (he sucked) and wanted to help score girls (he couldn’t). Not that he had much of a chance to truly try, seeing as he was the only person who Trini had openly come out to. She’d sooner die than confess to her overbearing mother that she was a lesbian. Her mother would never understand, or worse, would consider it a phase.

k.harteyes: Its ok I’m not trying to bother you

Trini_Gomez: I can listen if you wanna vent

k.harteyes: Another time maybe

k.harteyes: I have to get to sleep sorry for bothering youu really

k.harteyes: You’re just super pretty and I wanted you to know that

k.harteyes: A girl should always be told when she’s pretty like you

Trini_Gomez: Well in that case you’re beautiful

k.harteyes: Goodnight Trini Gomez

Trini_Gomez: Goodnight Kimberly Hart

“I expect you home immediately after school.” Roger Hart was already standing at the base of the stairs when Kim came down the next morning, his arms crossed and a scowl on his face. “Your actions last night were reprehensible. Until I say otherwise you will come straight home from school every day and will not be going out on the weekends. Say goodbye to Tyler and Amanda for some time.”

Kim grabbed a banana and a shake from the fridge, barely acknowledging her father following her every move from the archway separating the kitchen from the dinning room. “You know I have cheerleading practice after school every day.” With her back turned to him she rolled her eyes, wanting nothing more than to be able to leave this house and never have to come back. “That doesn’t end until four.”

“Then I expect you home by four-fifteen. Is that understood, Kimberly? And do not speak to me with that attitude again.” The fridge opened and slammed as Roger grabbed the milk to add to the coffee he was about to start brewing, and though he couldn’t see her, he somehow knew she was trying to sneak out. “Do not just walk away from me, Kimberly. For fucks sake have I taught you no manners?”

Thankfully, the sound of a horn beeping outside saved Kim from surely saying something else that would get her into further trouble. She's not quite sure how she manages to piss her father off consistently every day, but it seems he's hated her all her life. Her mother was no better, really, though Ali’s annoyance with Kim started a few years ago, same as the heavy drinking. It seemed as if one day Ali picked up the wine bottle and just never managed to set it down again. Kim wasn’t sure if that made her own life better or worse: better in the sense that for the most part Ali tended to leave Kim alone, but worse as her own mother was of no help against Roger.

“That’s my ride. I have to get to school before I’m late.” Roger said nothing more to her and Kim quickly grabbed her keys and bag before fleeing from the house. Surprisingly enough, this was a rather tame morning in the Hart house and she wanted to leave before something made Roger go off again.

Amanda was out front in her convertible, music loudly playing as the girl scrolled through her phone waiting for Kim to come out. She didn’t look up as Kim dropped her bag in the back seat and hopped in the front, not questioning the sigh from Kim and how she rested her head on her hand on the door.

“Mark is throwing a party tonight- what time do you want to show up?” Amanda asked as she pulled away from the curb, starting the short ten minute drive from their neighborhood to school, passing a few other of their class members driving as well, and underclassmen waiting on the bus stops.

Mark was a close friend of Ty’s, another member of the football team and someone Kim could barley tolerate. He was a sexist pig who would get too handsy when he was drinking (he kind of got handsy when he wasn’t drinking either) and Ty would never tell him to leave Kim alone. Frequently she found herself having to shove him away only for him to come back a few moments later, reeking of sweat and beer. All of his parties took place in the woods about a mile behind his house, far enough away for no neighbors to hear the noises from the teens and any pounding base. Not to mention there was a lake at the base of one of the mountains right where he tended to throw his parties, meaning most of the people got half naked and would drunkenly jump into the freezing cold water.

Kim was not a fan in the slightest of these parties, yet Ty and Amanda continued to drag her to them each and every time. “My father is ridiculously pissed at me and I’m grounded. I don't think I’ll be able to sneak out tonight.” Usually she’d be furious at her father for overreacting to the smallest of things, but tonight she finally had an excuse to stay in.

“Your father needs to pull that stick out of his ass once and for all.” Amanda shrugged with a laugh as she pulled into one of the many spots at Angel Grove High, finding a few of their friends hanging out around some cars. “Sneak out when they go to sleep- you know they won’t notice. Your mom will be too drunk and your dad will fall asleep early anyway.”

“Real nice, Amanda.” Kim jerked her bag from the back and slammed the car door closed, suddenly just as mad at Amanda as she was at her parents. Amanda didn’t understand anything and she never would. Her mother adored her and her father gave her anything she asked for. As many times as Kim’s been to Amanda’s house she’s never even heard Amanda’s father so much as yell at the TV.

If they hadn’t been friends for as long as they have, Kim isn’t sure her and Amanda would last much longer. They first met in kindergarten when Kim comforted a crying Amanda after they were dropped off in the morning, and it seemed their friendship had been solidified ever since. Despite a few fights over guys and both girls being rude to one another throughout the years they have stayed together. The older Kim got the more she questioned the sanity of that decision.

Deciding that her day was already ruined before it even started, Kim went through the first two periods of her day in relative silence, not bothering to focus in her classes and choosing instead to doodling in her notebook. She had no interest in school today and wanted nothing more than to leave. She isn’t quite sure where she’d be going given that her house was out of the option, but she knew she needed to be somewhere else besides here.

It wasn’t until the end of biology did Kim run into someone else and be forced to socialize. The lecture for the day had been incredibly boring, so far the worst class of the day, and Kim was just looking for an easy thirty minute lunch break when she quite literally knocked someone to the ground. With the mood she was in Kim hadn’t decided if she was going to apologize or just stomp away, until she looked to the ground and saw it was the girl from last night.

Like in the picture Trini had posted, she had one side of her hair braided back in three tight braids, her entire head mostly covered by a grey beanie. She was wearing tight jeans with some rips that Kim couldn’t figure out if were bought that way or were old enough the rips came naturally, and a loose white t-shirt. A yellow and black flannel was dropped next to her on the ground and she stared up at Kim with a frown.

“What the hell?” Trini moved to pick herself up, Kim too stunned to make a move to help as she kept staring at Trini. The girl was beautiful in pictures but holy fuck was she perfect in real life. Kim doesn’t think she’s seen anyone quite as breath taking as the girl now standing before her with a look of complete distaste on her face. “Watch where you’re going, Kimberly.”

Kim couldn't manage to find any words to respond, especially given that Trini seemed very angry- more angry then was was reasonable over an accident. But more than that, Kim started to frown because since when was Trini in her biology class?

“Uh- I’m, uh, I’m sorry,” Kim winced at the lame apology, her frown matching Trini’s as the two girls continued to stare at one another. It seemed Kim’s heart was beating much too fast for unknown reasons, and when Trini turned to try and leave Kim found herself not wanting the girl to go. “Wait!” She jerked out to grab Trini’s arm, keeping her in place. Trini raised an eyebrow at the unexpected touch as she looked back to Kim, who said, “I, uh, I appreciate you talking to me last night.”

“Yeah, well,” Trini shrugged and clearly wanted to leave as she kept looking between Kim and the exit, but Kim couldn’t let her go, not yet. “I should get to lunch.”

“Um, I can walk you!” Internally Kim flinched. She sounded so needy and desperate and she wasn’t sure why. Trini was just another girl in Kim’s class, so why did Kim feel the need to continue to force a conversation. Especially given that Trini looked like she wanted to do the complete opposite than walk with Kim, but said nothing as the two started the short journey to the cafeteria. Taking a deep breath to hopefully make her voice more steady, Kim continued and said,“I meant what I said about appreciating you talking to me. You had no reason to you but.. it was a bad night so thank you.”

“Not a problem.” Trini made no effort to hide uncomfortable she was, and part of Kim felt horrible and embarrassed for continuing a relatively one sided conversation, but a larger, more selfish part of her craved it. She had no idea why that part of herself was there at all, but couldn’t find it in herself to question it.

The two girls finally made it to the cafeteria, and it was obvious they would be heading in opposite directions. Kim’s friend were to the left, Amanda and the rest of the cheerleaders as well as most of the football team, while the boy Trini had on her instagram was hanging out by the door leading outside.

Trini motioned to the boy clearly waiting for her. “Well, uh, see you.”

As Trini went to leave Kim couldn’t keep the comment to herself as she said, “I also meant what I said last night. That I think you’re very gorgeous.”

There was no response as Trini turned rather quickly, almost too quickly, but Kim could have sworn she saw light blush on the other girl’s face. With a smile, Kim started walking towards her friends table. It seemed none of them noticed the interaction between Kim and Trini, and that’s how Kim preferred it. She knew none of her friends would understand, because hell, Kim didn’t really understand it much herself.

But she knew without a doubt there was something about Trini Gomez that pulled Kim Hart to her. And Kim would be damned if she didn't find out what that something was.

#trimberly #trimberly fic #trini x kimberly #trini x kim #trini #Kimberly hart #kim hart #power rangers #it started with a like

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shinneth · 6 years ago

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Gem Ascension Tropes (5XF-specific: C - F)

Primary General Post ✦ Full Article ✦ Primary Peri Post ✦ Primary 5XF Post

Character Development: Similar to her little sister, 5XF regarded everything on Earth with suspicion and especially questioned the integrity and competence of Steven and Peridot when she was first released from her bubble. While she patiently allowed them the chance to prove their credentials (and eventually accepted that Peridot truly was 5XG despite being almost nothing like the gem she remembered), she was heavily front-loaded with exposition and was trying her hardest to internalize her own trauma from the shock of being transplanted to a new world, only to learn that her world was destroyed and the Diamonds she served under her whole life were gone forever. Everything Steven and Peridot taught her came off as Too Good to be True, and while 5XF wanted to believe otherwise, she found herself torn in more ways than one. The biggest issue was her identity: seeing how radically different Peridot and the 5XG she used to be were, 5XF wasn’t sure she wanted to find out who she “really” was. Despite Steven’s assurances, the fear lingered in 5XF’s mind. Then, she went out of her way to do something very selfless and thoughtful for Steven and Peridot’s benefit with nothing for 5XF to gain from; this eventually caused her to relapse into distrusting everyone and everything. Tired of playing it safe as she had all her life, she made the bold decision to take matters into her own hands and live only for herself, which led to 5XF stealing Peridot’s tablet and running away. At this point, 5XF really wasn’t willing to settle on Earth, though she had no idea where else to go. 5XF eventually suffered a nervous breakdown when she got stuck in a temple chamber and opted to blame everything on Steven and Peridot rather than herself. This made her vulnerable enough to become a vessel for Gypsum, though 5XF only accepted this alliance when she was getting cornered by a pursuing Peridot and Steven. Imbued with power now, 5XF could fully let loose of everything she had been internalizing all her life and used Steven and Peridot to vent out her frustrations by putting them through some very sadistic trials. However, as they ultimately overcame said trials and 5XF found she couldn’t control her own powers, she no longer felt any violent urges (though still hated the pair and wanted to believe they got what they deserved). When she saw Steven and Peridot embracing as they sobbed out the trauma 5XF put them through, she finally realized this wasn’t what she really wanted. She got no real satisfaction putting Steven and Peridot through hell like this, and it wasn’t long before 5XF legitimately regretted her actions wholeheartedly; she realized she was behaving no better than the 5XG she remembered. Thankfully, Sphalerite was there for her by this time; she was not only a neutral party who was willing to sit with 5XF and listen to her, but they bonded through their shared issue of not having much in the way of an identity. 5XF, with Sphalerite’s help, managed to build herself a new identity, but surprisingly found herself falling in love with the fusion despite being aware of how illogical and stupid that was. However, 5XF, emboldened with her newfound identity, knew what she truly wanted and would pursue that desire regardless. While 5XF still hasn’t yet found her true purpose in life, she does know she doesn’t want a life without Sphalerite in it, even if the fusion herself can only be present in a limited capacity. Which means, unfortunately, despite still disliking Steven and Peridot heavily, 5XF is resigned to never be far from where they are. However, 5XF is perfectly willing to give the other Crystal Gems a chance to be part of her life, and she genuinely hopes to befriend at least some of them. She’s also determined to redeem herself for the horrible things she did to Steven and Peridot, as 5XF can’t live with herself easily getting away with her crimes like her sister once had. Consequently, 5XF is resolved to be helpful and compliant with the Crystal Gems to the best of her ability. Now that she’s had time to process everything, 5XF is making the steps to be more proactive in solidifying her identity and purpose on Earth. However (much to her relief), she hasn’t pulled a complete 180 like her sister and remains to be the much more reserved, mature, cautious, and down-to-earth Peridot between the two.

Chekhov’s Gunman: Was introduced in Chapter 5 of Act III in a comedic scene with Ruby. She mostly exists to be a one-shot Ms. Exposition explaining why she and all of her fellow kind were rounded up from their jobs by White Diamond solely to stall the Crystal Gems while pretending to be Hero Protagonist Peridot. Before being poofed and bubbled, Ruby promises 5XF that her sister will give her a “warm welcome” to Earth when she reforms. During GA’s epilogue, Garnet mentions 5XF to Peridot, as well as Ruby’s promise. Peridot is set to meet 5XF in person the next day, but later on that night in Plans Change, this gets delayed. Garnet grants Steven and Peridot a much-needed vacation without supervision, but only if they bring the still-bubbled 5XF along with them and bring her out before the end of the week so Peridot will have practice in interacting with one of the many Homeworld refugees before she commits to this full-time after the vacation.

5XF is released in the first chapter of This is Who I Am, and the story largely centers around Steven and Peridot acclimating 5XF to Earth while getting to know her. Near the end of Chapter 2, 5XF reveals to Steven that Peridot, based on what she learned, is still hiding something from Steven. When Steven pursues this inquiry to Peridot personally in Chapter 3, 5XF turns out to be correct… mostly. Still, it’s a major hurdle the couple overcame together and even resulted in Character Development for the main characters. The focus on her grows as the story progresses, where she too develops as a character and is set for a redemption arc by the end. 5XF’s cameo in It’s a Birthday, Yes It Is is much less prevalent, but the previous story solidifies her as the most significant original character (one that isn’t a Super-Powered Alter Ego or a fusion, at least) in the Gem Ascension continuity.

Clingy MacGuffin: The golden crystal that hosts the spirit of Gypsum, acquired by 5XF in Chapter 4 of This is Who I Am, ends up getting embedded into her chest by the next chapter. Though it isn’t long after this that 5XF is teleported out of Gypsum’s domain and has remained far away from it ever since, the crystal is still lodged into 5XF’s corporeal form and won’t come out despite being inactive since leaving the domain.

Constantly Curious: Embodies this trope even more so than Peridot. It not only applies to how she learns about Earth in This is Who I Am, but it’s revealed in later chapters that there are quite a few little-known details and secrets of Homeworld that 5XF is privy to due to this.

Corner of Woe: After Sphalerite’s defusion and Garnet leaves the room for a moment, 5XF retreats to a corner as far away from Steven and Peridot as possible. Not just because she’s miserable over no longer having Sphalerite, but out of abject fear of her components.

The Corruptible: Has already been a victim of Gypsum’s internal corruption in This is Who I Am; while 5XF overcame that and will take precautions to resist future influences when the Crystal Gems directly confront Gypsum, the Clingy MacGuffin may prove to be an element that will ensure 5XF’s inevitable relapse.

Deal with the Devil: What happened in Chapter 4 of This is Who I Am; 5XF was cornered and helpless, about to be caught by Steven and Peridot. At the height of despair, a voice in her head offers to help and gain powers to one-up Peridot, but only if 5XF agrees to “let her in”. Considering the circumstances, 5XF is compelled to agree to the terms. It’s not yet been said what exactly 5XF had to give up in order to become fully receptive to Gypsum’s power, but it has left a golden crystal permanently embedded into her chest. Presumably, the full extent of this trope will be seen when the Crystal Gems properly confront Gypsum.

Defrosting Ice Queen: 5XF is understandably cynical and untrusting of Steven and Peridot when she reforms on Earth at the start of This is Who I Am, but by late Chapter 2, she is visibly showing concern for the pair and is even proactive in getting Steven to focus on rescuing Peridot (whose gemstone fell into murky waters after she was poofed). She’s even compelled to selflessly give Steven insight on what Homeworld life is like for Peridots like her and her sister; 5XF took the time to study said sister and actively help the couple grow closer together by discussing a serious, traumatic topic neither would have learned of on their own. She gives the couple time alone to work out this problem in the following chapter, but then Chapter 4 shows 5XF relapsing as she becomes self-aware of falling into this trope and panics, second-guessing herself along with everything and everyone around her. The trope is effectively inverted until near the end of Chapter 5, where it then zig-zags as Sphalerite appears and helps 5XF warm up to Earth and opening up to others much more effectively than Steven and Peridot did.

Desperately Looking for a Purpose in Life: A natural struggle for a Homeworld immigrant learning how to truly live her life for herself for the first time in 5XF’s life. She’s admittedly terrified to find out what her purpose is, once she sees the very radical change Peridot went through. Those fears eventually are overcome once Sphalerite is introduced to 5XF’s life, but there remains a struggle in what 5XF needs to do for herself when the fusion isn’t around.

Devoted to You: 5XF feels this way for Sphalerite. Even while the latter is sleeping for hours on end, 5XF finds herself often thinking about her; to the point that she writes twelve pages’ worth of description for her specifically.

Enraged by Idiocy: 5XF certainly seems to have a lower tolerance for stupidity than Peridot. She wastes no time slapping Steven out of his panicking stupor when Peridot gets poofed, she doesn’t hesitate to outright tell Steven and Peridot to their faces how stupid they come off in her eyes, and she completely freaks out when Peridot nearly kills herself by trying to damage her gemstone in hopes of stopping her dark self from killing Steven.

Everyone Has Standards: Despite seemingly desiring to see Steven and Peridot die in the impossibly sadistic scenario she trapped them in, 5XF does not take it well when she watches Peridot stab her own gemstone with a jagged tile in hopes of stopping her dark self from strangling both Stevens to death. She actually runs over to check on Peridot while the recovering Dark Steven does his best to heal Peridot’s self-inflicted wound. While 5XF berates Dark Steven for helping her rather than destroying her like he’s supposed to, she goes back to being a sentimental mess when Peridot wakes up. 5XF demands Peridot to never do that again… even though she claims that she still wants to watch Peridot die.

Evil Laugh: Chapter 4 of This is Who I Am ends with a partially-possessed, power-corrupted 5XF doing this after critically wounding Steven and Peridot.

Face-Heel Turn: Starting in Chapter 4 of This is Who I Am; 5XF starts relapsing in her self-doubt once she comes close to trusting Steven and Peridot, leading her to panic and make a snap decision to take control of her own life, make her own decisions, and look out only for herself. When she’s on the verge of being found and apprehended by Peridot and Steven towards the end of the chapter, she agrees to a contract from a disembodied voice in her head to obtain the power to not only drive them away, but destroy them. In the following chapter, 5XF – now fully drunk on power – orchestrates a fantastically cruel method of eliminating Steven and Peridot, but it’s ultimately thwarted. She proves to be a very sore loser and goes as far to insist they both deserved what she put them through… but eventually caves in to Steven and Peridot’s demands to undo the damage she inflicted on their bodies.

Heel-Face Turn: Soon after doing that, Sphalerite appears in their place to take 5XF somewhere safe and relaxing; Chapter 6 quickly shows that she has recovered for the most part, though she is still prone to being a little rebellious. However, she fully intends to repent for her actions, as 5XF understands that no matter how much she hated (and still hates) Steven and Peridot, they didn’t deserve what she put them through.

First Kiss: Has hers with Sphalerite in Chapter 6 of This is Who I Am.

Friendless Background: While she shares this aspect of her backstory with Peridot, 5XF’s case is divergent as she was simply The Loner. 5XF chose this lifestyle after seeing for herself that friendship would more often than not lead to an untimely shattering, so she objectively saw it as a weakness and a threat to her own livelihood. However, since she was more passive than her sister and lacked that wild ambition, 5XF simply kept to herself and snubbed her fellow Peridots rather than use them as tools to get ahead in life.

Foolish Sibling, Responsible Sibling: 5XF is the responsible sibling to Peridot’s foolish for the first half of This is Who I Am. She then has a bit of a meltdown in Chapter 4, and from there on out the trope gets Zig-Zagged. During Chapter 5, their roles are entirely flipped around, with Peridot having no choice but to be responsible, mature, and level-headed while 5XF is dealing with the influence of a corruptive power twisting her mind and removing her moral filters. By Chapter 7, 5XF has calmed down and learned from her mistakes, but is also much less rigid than she used to be. Peridot, on the other hand, is livid when she comes back when Sphalerite defuses. So far, she’s matured enough to not act as impulsively as she once did, but that doesn’t stop her from running her mouth at 5XF and acting like a total brat (but, to be fair, Peridot has a really good reason to not want to be civil with her sister). For the time being, 5XF and Peridot are back in their original designated roles, more or less.

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antikripkean · 8 years ago

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Post #101 + Tumblr Recap

I had intended for this to be my 100th post, but I changed my plans due to unexpected circumstances. The following will be a very Tumblr-esque thing: a rant about my feelings.

TW/Disclaimers: Long; potentially boring; lots of rambling. Might not be very organized. There may be cringe. This is not logically focused and is meant to describe subjective matters. The purpose of this is for me to vent and make my feelings available to anyone curious. It is not meant to offend or argue a point. People do not have to cater to the feelings presented below.

History

I have a lot to say about my Tumblr experience so far, and I might as well start with the creation of this blog. I first started using Tumblr on a separate account back when I was less interested in politics and had yet to discover the wonders of people like Milo Yiannopoulos and Blaire White. (Though I was already a fan of Martin Shkreli.) At that time, I thought more about other topics such as anime, books, and Undertale. All of these things still interest me; I doubt that will change anytime soon. Still, I had expected to devote most of my blogging to the world of fandom.

That did not go as expected. I wasn’t very active on that blog for a number of reasons; real life obligations, lack of familiarity with formatting, posts getting deleted when I tried to post on the mobile app without saving them, and being a perfectionist with tagging. Whenever I began a post, I wanted to make sure I got everything just right and would sometimes stare at a few sentences for quite a long time before uploading them, and to my dismay, they would sometimes get deleted. Also, I was worried about art theft; I wasn’t (and still am not) sure whether using existing artwork or a photo off the internet for a background or avatar constituted art theft. I didn't know what sort of feel I wanted for my blog either, so I was unsure about what to draw and which colors I should use. And I had no idea what to write for my blog title and description.

Other things which irrationally troubled me were liking, reblogging, and following people. I think these are supposed to be some of the most enjoyable parts of Tumblr, yet they all made me somewhat stressed. I wasn’t sure how much I should like a post before I “like” it since there doesn’t seem to be a way to sort “liked” posts. I wondered if I should “like” every post which gave me a positive mental reaction or only the ones which I considered personally meaningful. I doubt it matters to most people, but I wanted a consistent standard for myself. As for reblogging, I didn’t want to do it very often since I wanted my blog to be almost exclusively my own content. With regards to following people, I wasn’t sure whether to follow anyone whose content I liked or only people who almost exclusively posted content that interested me. I also wasn’t sure whether I was socially obligated to follow Tumblrs from people I knew in real life if their content generally wasn’t about topics I enjoyed. I’m still not very sure of these things and probably still would not be if someone decided to talk to me about it. I’m the type who constantly thinks of counterarguments, so I’d probably get stressed holding them in or annoy whoever would try to help me.

Another major thing was the social aspect. I’m not particularly social in real life and was aware that I could find many people who share my fandom-related interests on Tumblr. And there are a lot of fandom people here, but since I barely liked, reblogged, or followed people, I wasn’t particularly noticeable. People had little incentive to interact with me as well since I barely had any posts, and my Tumblr wasn’t particularly good looking. I have low social initiative, so I wouldn’t try to initiate conversation as well.

So what changed?

Well, I was gradually becoming more interested in politics, social justice, and futurism. I was curious about the state of the world and the direction it was going. I always loved exploring moral issues in fiction and had increasingly thought about the ones in reality as well. Plus I love science and liked thinking of how it would develop in the future; I thought it important that society prepare for the effects of new technology.

And then there’s feminism. Feminism wasn’t even the social issue which interested me the most, but it was one of the ones (along with transgenderism) which raised the most questions. I used to think of feminism as a good thing and associated it with women becoming able to do things such as vote, work, and be educated. And as a child, I was sometimes bullied for being a girl with more traditionally masculine interests. I thought feminism not only made significant social changes for the rights of women but also would support girls like me who were being treated unfairly for not conforming to a limited gender role.

Over time, I read more about feminism on the internet and discovered that some people thought it was a bad thing. This confused me; how could people not believe women deserve equal rights? Were people really that sexist? I looked into this antifeminism movement a bit more. Not enough to discover its prominent leaders just yet, but to see what the basic arguments against it were.

What I learned was that many people who are against feminism believe that women have equal rights already and that feminism teaches women that they are inherently victimized by society and should blame men. The antifeminists saying those things no longer appeared sexist to me, but I was still confused. I hadn’t heard from feminists that I was doomed to be a victim because I was a woman or that I should hate men. The only thing I saw wrong with feminism was that some feminists believed all feminists should be pro-choice.

I did some more research, and I found that some feminists do say such things. The feminist movement no longer seemed as equal as I thought. At that point, I still thought such feminists were in the minority and that feminism was still needed to help women get rights such as educational opportunities and having a choice in their spouse elsewhere in the world where there is less gender equality.

I ended up taking two classes which heavily involved feminism and other areas of social justice. One of them was one of the best classes I’ve ever taken; the other one, not so much. I began to empathize with the antifeminist movement even more. I started planning a Tumblr essay analyzing women who don’t need feminism and explaining how both antifeminists and feminists bring up good points and should try to effectively communicate with each other.

I came across a website called Everyday Feminism during this, probably when I was researching trans people. I was very skeptical about the concept, and I wanted to see if my mind could be changed. After watching one of the videos, I found a response video and decided to watch it as well. Thus I discovered Blaire White, who did change my mind with her explanation of gender dysphoria. I realized I had misunderstood what it was previously. I watched more of her videos, which got me interested in other people such as Milo Yiannopoulos and Shoe0nhead. I was red pilled, and I felt like a whole new world of different perspectives and ideas had opened up to me.

I felt compelled to write about these topics, but I thought my current blog wouldn’t be the best place to do so. People might not want to look at my fandom material if they didn’t agree with my political content. I thought the solution would be to create a side blog. And so I did.

This new blog was titled AntiKripkean, named after my commitment against Kripkean dogmatism. (Kripkean dogmatism is when people dismiss anything contrary to their view due to it being contrary in and of itself.) I drew a background tiled with Bill Cipher (to represent my love of fandoms and my appreciation for trollish characters in both fiction and reality), the female symbol (indicating I support equality for women and am open to discussing feminism and antifeminism), Pepe the frog (as a tribute to the positivity I felt in my life after discovering the anti-SJW movement), and hearts (since I also value compassion, empathy, love, and peace). This background was meant to indicate the bizarre mix of ideas floating around in my head and to celebrate a diversity of subject matters. I drew a peach with inverted colors to make it look somewhat frozen, indicating my support for free speech.

Unfortunately, I realized that side blogs lack some of the features present in main blogs. I didn’t want my blogs associated with one another, and I found that a side blog can’t follow or like. I ended up making a new main blog with the same background, name, and avatar then reposting all the content from the original AntiKripkean. Thankfully, I only had ten posts. Thus this blog was created.

General Feelings

My Tumblr experience so far is not quite what I thought it would be. One big difference is that I thought I would do a lot more essay-type posts. I have a few longish ones, but a large portion of my original content is Martin Shkreli fanart and Milo gifs. There could be many possible reasons for this. One is that I like producing that sort of content, especially considering there is barely any available. I suspect that I might not feel as motivated to draw or make gifs as often if there were plenty of them already; I’d probably be staring at them for an inordinate amount of time instead. Another possible reason is that essays take more planning on my behalf, and I often will reread the same few sentences over and over again way too many times. I would like to do more essay posts, but I plan to continue making fanart and gifs as well, perhaps of other people such as Blaire White and Laci Green as well.

Currently, I’m the most proud of this particular drawing of Martin Shkreli. My digital art skills have been improving. While it doesn’t have the most notes out of all my posts, In the last few days, it’s become my most popular post (thanks, haters), and I’m proud of that since I worked very hard on it, and I consider it my best work on this site so far. I think I did well with the shading and colors. I also think I did a good job capturing how biased the media is against him. I still can’t draw hands well, though... ^^;

On the topic of people I draw, it still surprises me to see my Tumblr pop up as one of the top search results on this site for both Martin Shkreli and Milo Yiannopoulos. I know I feel very positively about both of them, but to see it acknowledged on the internet on a major website still feels surreal. I suppose it makes sense considering that most people on Tumblr think negatively about both of these people, yet I didn’t expect myself or my efforts to support them to be significant enough to warrant my placement in the search results. I feel happy that my content is prominent for others interested in these people and proud of myself for making it this far, yet I also wish that there were other people producing similar content. I’ve enjoyed having fandoms constantly producing content for books and anime, yet with Martin and Milo, I’ve been having to make the content for myself and anyone else interested. And I really like making it, though it’s a bit lonely when almost no one else on Tumblr is doing it as well.

I have generally felt good on Tumblr, though. I would like to thank my sister, @rightwingbarbie, @brightsapphireseas, and my chatroom frriends with accounts here (you know who you are) for making me feel welcome here; I appreciate all of you very much. I didn’t expect to be treated with such kindness here, and I’m truly grateful for you. Thank you to my followers as well; you’re also amazing. ♥

People haven’t been getting upset in the way I’d expect, either. I thought that people would respond negatively to me almost as soon as I’d post content about controversial figures, yet it actually took a bit longer. I woke up one day to a bunch of notes after barely getting any before, and I was very surprised to have gotten what seemed to me like a lot of attention. (I’m aware it isn’t a lot, but in comparison to what I had gotten previously.) I was more upset about people speaking negatively of Martin Shkreli and Milo Yiannopoulos than people insulting me; I’m sick of lies about them being spread around all over the place. Still, it was somewhat amusing that people could get so upset over some drawings. And some people claimed to want me to die, which I’m not quite sure how to feel about. I’m cynically amused by the hypocrisy and double standards with regards to internet etiquette, but I’m a bit sad that people can be so close-minded. A lot of the people critical of me might be generally good people, and I don’t want to assume that anyone who disagrees with me, even if they do so rudely, is automatically a bad person. (I also want to add that I don’t draw controversial people to trigger SJWs; I do so to show my support for them. If people get triggered, so be it.)

I’m willing to talk to people even if they disagree with me, and I welcome ask box content. :)

The Past Few Days

When I realized that I had hit 99 posts, I began writing what you see here: a summary of my Tumblr experience and my ideas for the future of this blog. Due to an unexpected event a few days ago, there was a change of plans. I decided to dedicate my 100th post to Martin Shkreli instead. I can and will write a lot more about my feelings for what happened, but to stick with the theme of this post, this will be a recap of how it’s affected me on Tumblr.

I spent a few hours writing and editing Post #100, and Tumblr reacted to my previous posts more quickly than I can type. My art posts, or my favorite one in particular, were flooded with notes. (On the bright side, that post became the one with the most notes, which is what I’d wanted.) Many of the responses were negative, both towards Martin and myself.

Since Martin’s arrest, I’d get so many notes. My screen would light up with notifications all day. While most people would probably be happy about getting a lot of notes, my feelings were more complex.

The main thing was that I felt overwhelmed. I want and plan to respond to many of the comments and reblogs I’ve received, but there were so many to keep track of. I also wanted to finish my tribute to Martin and this post so they could respectively be Post #100 and Post #101. There are many claims I want to address. At least by the time this gets out I can begin to respond.

I’m aware that I could feel less overwhelmed by turning off my notifications, but I want to be fully aware of the impact of my actions and not cut myself off from knowing the consequences. Even if it can get distracting and overwhelming, I want to experience it regardless of whether I like it.

Also, it saddens me when people insult Martin. Whether or not it bothers him, to me, it’s an indication of the malice and ignorance present in society. I don’t think Martin is perfect and some may find him unlikable, yet almost all the criticism I see for him involves double standards or is founded on misleading premises and/or blatant lies. If people are to hate him, they should at least have a proper understanding of why. Still, an understanding of him could lead to them becoming fans, like it did in my case.

I’m not as bothered when people insult me. It doesn’t make me feel worthless or guilty; in fact, it strengthens my resolve. Some people have criticized me respectfully, but many of the negative comments are rife with profanity and lacking in logic. This is likely because they were posted with the intent of expressing negative emotions, not starting a dialogue or persuading me to change my mind. I respect people’s freedom of speech to do this, but it only goes to show that they prioritize their own feelings and degrading mine over rational discourse. And I’m not saying all of my critics are like this, but the more rational replies are unfortunately limited. It makes them as a whole seem rather unkind and lacking in the critical thinking department, and it’s giving me delusions of grandeur. I’ve been reminding myself that I’ve messed up in the past as well, and these people might be kind and intelligent in other areas of life.

I started looking through my reblogs after finishing Post #100 so I could determine who to respond to. While reading the responses and tags, I also noticed other things on people’s blogs. I feel like many of the people don’t quite see what they’re doing. I recall some of them specifically stating in their descriptions that they are nice and want to help others. This leads me to think that they might generally be (or at least imagine themselves to be) this way, yet they perceive me as a negative being undeserving of this component of their personalities. Some of them share things in common with me such as being demisexual, loving animals, and being fascinated by MBTI. Many of them are also fandom people. As a fan myself, I’m a bit disappointed by their behavior. While I recognize that liking something doesn’t mean one has to agree with or like everything about it, fandoms have influenced me to see people as deserving of respect, to look beyond public opinion, and to try to empathize with and understand others. It seems kind of wrong to me that Undertale fans won’t show mercy (and yes, I know there’s a genocide route), Game of Thrones fans disregard individual complexity, and FMA fans act as if people they don’t like have no value. Yet I try to see them as people, not just hateful text on a screen. But some can be very cruel.

There have even been threats and incitement of violence towards Martin himself. I doubt any of the people doing this pose a real danger, but this still goes against Tumblr’s community guidelines. I’m not referring to the people who say he has a punchable face or that they wouldn’t mind if (or even hope that) harm befalls him. I’m talking about people who say they will harm Martin or are requesting that others do so. I’m pondering whether I should report these people; ironically, the main things holding me back are the words of the people they hate. I want to give these people the mercy that Martin did not receive, and Milo has said that people should not have their lives destroyed over jokes, and I think these threats may have been intended as jokes. (Though Milo did say that threats and inciting violence do not constitute free speech.) I’m not sure what the consequences would be for these people if I reported them, and I don’t want them to be banned from Tumblr, subjected to legal investigation, or thrown in jail. I think they should have the opportunity to learn from their mistakes, and I’m not sure how Tumblr would handle the situation.

People have also been telling me to kill myself. I’m thankfully not suicidal, but if I were, I wonder how these people would feel and what would happen to them if I really did take their suggestion. I want to respect their freedom of speech, but I really don’t like that they’re saying this because they may get in the habit of it (if they aren’t already) and end up telling it to someone who’d actually do it. I don’t know whether this is covered under freedom of speech, but it’s an awful thing to say. Words have consequences. And for anyone reading this, please know that your life matters. If someone tells you to kill yourself, don’t do it; you are precious, and your life has meaning. And on a side note, Martin mentioned before that he wanted to develop a drug to treat suicidality. So not only are people urging me to commit suicide; they are taking a stand against someone who wants to help suicidal people.

I haven’t received anywhere near as much negativity as others, yet for me, it appeared to be a lot in comparison to my previous experiences on the internet. I was fully aware that this could happen, though. I’m not quite sure if what’s happening to me constitutes harassment; I haven’t blocked anyone no matter what they’ve said to me. (Yet some have left me hateful messages and blocked ME when I didn’t even say anything to them.) While I dislike what people are saying, I want to be aware of it, and I respect their freedom to say it. I also want to be able to have respectful discussions with those who are willing.

Future Content

I really think I should make a FAQ page, disclaimer list, an about me page, and a tag index. That may be useful to some people.

I also will be drawing more fanart and making more gifs, but for now, I plan to do longer text posts, with evidence to support my viewpoints. It will probably take a while to both write these posts and do my research, but I think it would be more useful if I produced more intellectual content.

I’d also like to cover more topics including but not limited to the environment, the abortion debate, feminism, futurism, racism, my personal experiences with political discussion, mental health, parallels and differences between fiction and reality, representation in fiction, cultural appropriation, reviews and responses to other content, SJWs, trolling, and the importance of lingual clarity. And I side with liberals on some issues and conservatives on others, so I plan to discuss my Leftist opinions as well. Yet for now, expect a lot more posts about Milo and Martin.

I’m not quite sure how to end this, but I hope my presence on Tumblr can benefit others as well as myself. I’d like to be able to start some discussion about various issues and help people who need advice. I look forward to posting more content.

And thanks to anyone who read through this entire mess of a post. ♥

#tumblr #ramblings #personal #very long #essay #rant #I honestly doubt many people will read this mess

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marinette-sky · 8 years ago

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Marichat May Day #10: What If?

I was inspired to write this little fic based on the fanart in the link: http://queenlypirate.tumblr.com/post/160540567342/day-10-what-if-sometimes-these-two-just-need

This might be a little trash?? I'm not sure, it's been awhile since I've written a good Marichat scene. I hope you kids love angst!!

Summary: Marinette and Chat Noir have a bad habit of sharing their misery with each other.

Word Count: 1,373

Pairing (duh): Marichat

Rating: General Audiences

“Are you okay?” Chat Noir asked worriedly, his masked facial features pinching in genuine concern. He was precariously perched on the slab of marble ledge off to the side of Marinette’s balcony, tail swishing back and forth to keep balance. His shoulders sagged with what she assumed to be fatigue, but his guarded gaze was far too alert to match his demeanor, which meant he had something on his mind.

“What do you mean, Chat Noir?” Instead of standing to greet her friend, Marinette remained motionless in her criss-cross position, staring blankly at the backdrop of the moon and stars. As much as she wanted to smile, if only to ease his worry, she couldn’t muster up the energy to even lift the corners of her mouth.

Chat Noir hopped from his place atop the railing, eyebrows now deeply furrowed in disquiet. He settled one hand on his hip, silently regarding Marinette’s too-demure figure with tired eyes. Usually, the female was as open and bright as a freshly painted mural but tonight was an exception; tonight, she was an empty canvas.

A sigh escaped him.

“You know what I mean, Mari.” Chat responded quietly, slouching. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I’m just tired.” She replied, a little too quickly. A slight breeze shifted her pigtails, limply pulling them behind her shoulders.

Chat Noir felt the strong urge to tuck the loose hairs behind her ears.

“…”

A heart-beat of quiet passed between them.

“Seriously, I’m fine.” She said tentatively, the lag in her voice betraying her true feelings.

More quiet was exchanged.

Chat Noir grew impatient.

“I think you’re lying to me, princess.”

Marinette flicked her eyes upwards briefly before settling them back on the blanket of galaxies above them, teasing the hem of her shirt with icy fingers. Her mouth opened and closed, pink lips bare and chapped.

“Well…” She started, but trailed off in hesitance. Her resolve was slipping, and so was her will to maintain the façade.

“Marinette, are you really ‘fine’?” Chat pressed, crouching down to meet her cerulean eyes. He laid a cool hand on her fidgeting fingers, curling them in his palm reassuringly.

The dam of resistance that Marinette had built up broke from his gentle prodding, and she caved.

“Not really, I’m not.” She weakly confessed, her delicate features forming into an expression of forlorn. A stab of pain went through Chat Noir’s chest as he saw the blank canvas of her emotions turn blue from grief. It reminded him of why he came here so late in the night, as he was harboring the very same conflict of feelings in his heart.

She sniffed, finally looking at him.

“But then again, you’re not okay, too. That’s why you’re here.” Marinette was no fool, even if she was in the same boat as Chat Noir. They seemed to be on the same wavelength tonight, and it only felt right to hurt together.

Chat Noir did not even try to hide the fact that she was right. He let go of her hand, his own sadness coming to the surface at her point-blank truth. He had come here tonight to possibly vent about his love-life troubles, but it seemed now it was inevitable. They could both share what was weighing on their mind without room for judgement.

“You see right through me as usual, Marinette.” He admitted, awkwardly shuffling around her frame to sit mirror to her position, his back leaning on her back. This was how they usually talked whenever the other was down in the dumps; it was like a sort of protection for the other, a wall of blindness as to allow themselves to bare their heart with no shame or embarrassment.

Once they were both comfortably situated, Marinette began to speak.

“It’s about the person I like again…I know I shouldn’t let it get me down, but it does.”

Marinette paused for input from Chat, but continued to listen patiently.

“I mean, we’re friends and all, but recently we’ve grown closer. I was so excited, I promised myself I would confess when the time was just right. I was so sure of myself for once, and he seemed so within reach…but…” She tightened her arms around herself, shutting her eyes.

“…I found out there someone else he likes. More so than he would ever like me. I got so angry, angry at him and myself for being led on. It’s not his fault, but I can’t help but feel so betrayed. I know we’re meant to be together, I just know we are! I wish he would see that…you know?” Marinette let out a controlled breath, attempting to calm the erratic beating of her heart. She didn’t want to say too much, in fear that it might give away the true identity of the person she was talking about.

“Yeah, I do. I know that too well, in fact.” Chat agreed, lacing his finger together and squeezing. “Do you want to talk about it more, or do want to hear about my woes?” He took on a lighter tone, as to clear the heavy atmosphere.

“I think you should talk, Chat Noir. I’m afraid if I speak anymore, I’ll put a name to a face.” Marinette elbowed his back softly, an indication that she was done for the night. She already knew who he would talk about, judging by his previous response.

It was the only thing he talked about most of the time, when he visited.

Marinette leaned with more of her body weight against his back, meant to be an act of comfort for him to take solace in.

He accepted, and relaxed into her gesture.

“I guess we’re in the same boat, you and I, because the person I like just so happens to have someone else in their heart. Of course, I only found this out recently, as did you coincidentally.” Chat spoke with an empty feeling in his chest, the image of Ladybug’s heartbroken expression fresh in his mind from their last interaction.

“We were talking and she had this look on her face that said it all. I’ve never seen her react so strongly to someone like that, especially not me and all my flirting. As I was trying to console her, only one thought came to mind: ‘she’ll never feel as strongly about me as she felt about that person’.” Chat aimed his gaze towards the sky, blinking slowly. It was difficult to talk about such a thing without giving anything important away, given how intuitive Marinette was.

“I just…yeah.” He fumbled to find the rights words, but to no avail. Thankfully, his friend understood this and did not try to pry.

“Yeah.” The female stated, a torrent of emotions rippling in her heart. There was so much to be said between them, but their damn secrecy was too risky to lose. They could only sit in silence with each other, and share their mutual misery.

A few minutes trickled by in absolute stillness, save for the occasional breeze. More stars appeared in the sky, and the sound of the city was gradually becoming dimmer in the encompassing darkness.

Chat Noir was beginning to think the tranquil atmosphere lulled Marinette to sleep, which would not be surprising because he was getting drowsy himself. Just as he was about to move, she turned her head to the side and spoke.

“What if?” Her tone was one of yearning curiosity, but the vagueness momentarily confused Chat Noir.

“’What if’ what?” He could only imagine the expression Marinette wore to match the question, just as he was equally afraid to look.

She dallied for a second, as to gather her jumbled thoughts.

“What if…what if they loved us?”

Chat Noir’s heart leaped at the suggestion, color rising to his face. He peered earnestly into the starry sky above before losing his eyes completely, giving himself to such a fantasy.

“What if they loved us?” The male murmured back softly, the words bittersweet on his tongue. He turned the sentence over in his thoughts, allowing his imagination to run in every possible direction. Once his mind had exhausted every scenario that the question led to, Chat Noir bitterly responded:

“What if, indeed.”

#my fic #marichat may #marichat #ml fanfic #ml #miraculous ladybug #miraculous ladybug fanfiction #let them be sad #ao3fic #ao3

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taran42181 · 5 years ago

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Losing Sean to addiction and illness...one year ago......

I’m not sure why exactly I’m writing this. Maybe because there’s not a human on this earth, I can talk to the way I can to a blank page. It’s too many layers of things and just confusing to be honest. I’m writing this with limited editing. For an English major it’s not going to be my best work, but the only way for me to get my thoughts out raw and unfiltered is to not care about the silly nuances of grammar. Perhaps that is why I chose to call this blog “Ramblings” because essentially that is what it will be.

I’m sitting here alone, for the first time in weeks. I’m grateful for the chance to quarantine safely in my home with books, tv, food, water, heat, etc. I’m grateful for the extra family time and extra sleep. However, I need my me time. I can only take so much interaction before I need to retreat for a while.

So what is on my mind..what is on my mind..is that I’m missing my brother. Actually, I’m missing my childhood family as I once knew it. Two gone, One sick and one in another state. Such is life. I’m reminiscent. I cringe typing this, because so many people have it so much worse. So many people have so many more struggles and why should anyone give a damn about what I’m missing? We all have stuff do deal with in life. I feel, I post too much as it is, about my life on social media..but I’ll never stop acknowledging Sean or my dad. I’ll just keep the details of my feelings to this blog. I can write, which I love to do, without being a “Debbie Downer,” Sorry.

**********************************************************************************

Dear Sean, You are on my mind so much. I got to text with Paul and Eric out in Colorado and damnit, I’m thankful for them. I’m thankful for Rich, too. I’m glad you had friends that loved you for you. Friends that chose you as family. It means the world to me.

I’m thinking of you Sean, because this time last year, you were dying. You were laying in a bed at CMC, struggling to breath. I’m scared of the coronavirus and devastated and anxious for the patients laying in ccu beds on vents and their helpless families. I watched what irreversible ARDS can do to someone and its downright terrifying. It’s ironic that I’m hearing what it does, when just a year ago, I was watching it happen to you.

I tried for years to shield people from your less redeeming qualities; the severity of your mental illness and addiction. It’s so easy for people to judge without knowing the person behind it all. Some people are unforgiving and I wanted to protect you from them. I didn’t see things through rose colored filters. I was tough on you a lot. I was embarrassed and sometimes even afraid for you. I prayed you wouldn’t hurt or kill yourself or accidentally hurt someone else when you were using.

You started out in life as the funniest, happiest little guy I ever knew. You were my best, and for several years, only friend. You never minded hitting record on the cassette player and being my audience when I wanted to sing Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston songs. We walked home from school together every day, and we started neighborhood clubs together. You let me boss you around and played every game I ever asked. You always thought of me when you did things and included me. We both had trouble finding our place in the world at times, but had each other.

It broke my heart when you were 16 and I was 18, and I started noticing you had been acting weird. I had never lived with an addict, and I think it took all of us a little longer than some, to notice the signs. I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you from a bad choice. You made a choice, and honestly I know it was for the sake of peer acceptance, to try heroin. I’ll never forget the day I confronted you and made you call mom at work and tell her you had been using heroin and couldn’t stop. In hindsight that was a terrible decision on my part towards mom.

It would take days, months even, if I were to write about the years between this day in 1999 and April 1, 2019- the day you died. So, I won’t recount all of it. In short, you suffered all those years. We suffered as a family. We discovered you had many physical health issues, some irreparable. We discovered you had more severe mental health issues than the current mental health system was prepared for, and we saw your addiction spiral to an honestly impressive tolerance. I’ve yet to see anyone else compare. I’m not saying that as a good thing, just the reality. You were hurting, you hurt others and it was a vicious cycle. I won’t sugar coat it. You kept your distance and I tried to protect what I could of your reputation when people asked about you. The truth is your mental illness led you to some dark places and with that, you lost many friends and acquaintances. I know some people never knew you enough to form an opinion, other than a bad one. For their lack of insight into your issues, I don’t hold anything against them. I understand why people would judge harshly and detach from someone who was self destructing. However, I’m so grateful for the people that saw past the bad and remembered that there was a kind, compassionate guy in you somewhere. I’m thankful for the relatives that would ask about you, remember you at holidays and not take your isolation personal. They forgave your mistakes. They loved you and that never waivered. I hope you know that. I know you felt shame, Sean. You felt guilty and hated. I also know you just wanted to be accepted. It saddens me that some family chose to not come out here when you died. They chose to NOT be here for mom when you died. They chose to not honor you as a human being. This doesn’t refer to all of them. Only a couple. Some didn’t acknowledge your death at all! I understand and I know you do too. It’s hard with families and jobs and I hold no ill will. It’s hard, especially coming from out of state. Some of themy expressed their condolences and I was grateful. Some though, judged you and didn’t like what you had become. Maybe you had done or said things to them, and weren’t on good terms with them. Maybe because you didn’t bother to visit them or engage in their lives. Ha! If they only know what your life had become. Alas though, your death wasn’t important to them. Mom’s loss wasn’t significant. They couldn’t be inconvenienced to be here one day for mom, unless it fit their schedule. You didn’t have cancer, you didn’t commit suicide. I’m sure they were surprised it took this long. It makes me sad, but it’s their fears and ignorance that kept them away. I forgive and move on. Guess what though? your true friends and family showed up. I saw Mike and Lem and some other of your childhood friends. Eric, Paul and Rich. My friends from CMC and so many others. I’m forever grateful for each and every person who came to your service or called. Sean, the bottom line is that your life was complicated. My feelings on everything are complicated. ((sigh))).

So, having touched on all the negative stuff, I want to tell you how much you meant to me and still do. I know you knew. I told you all the time I loved you and you told me. We had so much fun together. I wish more of the world saw the Sean that I did. You were kind, funny and loving. You only showed yourself at your best to your nieces and nephews. Somehow despite it all, you managed to be a positive in their lives. It breaks my heart how much the kids miss you, especially your buddy James. When you were doing well, you were amazing. Those times in between, when I know you tried harder than anyone has tried at anything, I cherished. You had so many positive qualities. I’ve still yet to meet someone that compares to your intelligence and quick wit. You are one of a the best writers I know and could play the best pranks.

Watching you die was the hardest things I’ve ever experienced. Even harder than watching dad die. Ryan and I have talked about the comfort we find in knowing you and dad are together. Maybe dad had to die first, to be there to bring you home.

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For those of you still reading that don’t know what happened when Sean died.. I’ll tell you. A quick side story though... My mother has a neuroendocrine malignancy and parkinsonism. A tiring and frustrating combination of mysterious symptoms. Anyway, much of the last few years she has been in and out of the hospital. Thankfully, we are closer to a more accurate diagnosis and treatments, but her quality of life has diminished. She was a healthy, vibrant healthcare administrator and an active board member for various community organizations in Denver. Approximately 7 years ago, was the beginning of her decline. She still lives life to the fullest though, does not look for help or sympathy, and does her best each day. She amazes me and on her best days you wouldn’t know anything was wrong!

Anyway, about two weeks before Sean died, she had a bad episode in the middle of the night. Paramedics took her to the hospital. It was awful. The next morning, I called Sean to check on him. No answer. A couple of hours later, my mom now stable at the hospital, asked me if I’d talked to him. I told her I’d keep trying. I called and called. I went over to Sean’s apartment and although I had a key, I had to break the chain lock. When I got to his room, he was in bed. He had vomit all over him and was unresponsive. I called 911 and luckily was able to get him to wake up by screaming directly into his hear. When he came to, he was lethargic and disoriented. I wasn’t able to ascertain exactly what he had taken. My only regret that day is that I didn’t go to the hospital with him. Sean’s had many overdoses. I was frustrated and relieved he woke up and thought this would be another one of his hospital admissions. My mom and Ryan have resuscitated him in the past. He overdosed and was intubated several times over the years, before the days of getting Narcan at home. (And yes, he did get lots of “tough” love too. He was in treatment many, many, many times) Sometimes treatment was hard to get because of his co-existing mental and physical issues, but my angel of a mother never gave up on him. She was scammed out of money by a “recovery coach” and hit a lot of roadblocks through the years, but she always tried to keep him alive. She never gave up hope for him. She has been judged for this, but you find out what you would do when your in situations. Anyway, enough sidetracking.

Sean was taken from his room with paramedics and police to the hospital. I fully believed he would be ok. I had to work that evening and called the hospital to check on him. I wasn’t able to find out where he was or what was happening. My mom found out he had gone into respiratory distress and had been intubated. Sean, having been intubated previously on several occasions, had repeatedly told my mom he did not want vented ever again. I’m glad we weren’t there for them to ask us, because his honest feeling was that he didn’t want to be saved but we didn’t have a written dnr and we didn’t want to lose him. In any case, he was intubated and admitted. I went to see him the next day and when I spoke quietly to him, but he woke up and started trying to talk over the vent. I told him I loved him but I was leaving because he needed to rest. I reminded the staff of his high tolerance for sedatives and told them I’d try to stay away as to not agitate him. The nurse was very sweet and understanding.

The next few days I was there in between kids activities, school and work. I tried to visit him and my mom as much as I could. Fast forward, each day Sean got sicker and sicker. I left my phone in my car one day to get coffee at wawa and when I came back I saw the hospital had called. Sean had coded, but they got him back. I went over to the hospital. I took my mom from her hospital room to ICU to see him. They did a TEE but it was negative. They told me he was septic. He had a very bad infection in his lungs. He had what you may be hearing about now on the news, called ARDS. He was so hot that I could have literally cooked breakfast on his skin. He was on a cocktail of antibiotics. Sean had pre-existing lung issues and the night before I found him, Sean had taken drugs. Which ones and what kind, I’m not sure of exactly. He had sedated himself so much, that he went to bed, drank something in his sleep (he had a bottle of orange juice with him) and he aspirated. Had he not taken too much of whatever he did that night, he wouldn’t have been lethargic and under the influence. Had he not brought orange juice to bed, he wouldn’t have aspirated. Laying in bed for a day, after choking, and his breathing diminished, made for him too become too sick to recover.

He continued to deteriorate until they could not longer keep him vented. (side tracking again, if your family member is intubated for any reason I strongly suggest you research what you can and know your rights and options). It came to a point where we had to make a decision. Sean was “out of it’ for most of the time, but he would wake up at times. It was agony because we knew he didn’t want to be vented but he needed it to live. The Palliative care doctor decided we could slowly wean him off things that made his judgement cloudy. Not immediately, but when and if, he was coherent enough, she would talk with him directly. We ask him and he communicated with head nods and pointing. He even tried writing and then he tried and pointed at letters on a keyboard. The day came around and Ryan, mom, me and the Palliative care doctor spoke with Sean. His intensivist told us his lungs would “never recover.” If he were to be take off the vent, the only way he could live was to have a permanent trach. My mom having health issues, and at the time, still a patient herself, wouldn’t be able to care for him full time. He would be likely left to live out years and years, in a nursing home on a trach. If he was healthier and this was reversible for him, it would've been a no brainer. Unfortunately, he had a lot stacked against him. The doctor explained to Sean what happens if we take the tube out. He kept motioning for us to take it out. She explained without the trach he would stop breathing eventually. He indicated in several ways, he clearly understood. For Sean, living each day was a struggle. I think even if he had a better chance at recovery, he still wouldn’t have wanted it. She asked him if that's what he wanted several times and each time, he indicated yes. I had to leave the room to not lose it and break down. So it took a while but they slowly weaned him off of the vent. He asked for Mountain Dew, his favorite. He couldn’t swallow or drink so we put the smallest amount on a one of those little mouth sponges, and gave him a taste. He coughed and coughed, but smiled. He wanted his music, so we played his favorites for him. Frank Turner, Billy Brag, mainly. (much of the music he introduced me too is now stuff I listen to regularly) The three of us spent the next several days with Sean, watching him die. We told him stories, he listened. He tried to laugh. He cried. We cried. He slowly and painfully left the world after three or four days. I can’t even remember how long it took. I told him I would get a tattoo to match one of his. He pointed to one on his arm, that he wanted me to get. The day after his death, I got the tattoo. His breathing became more difficult. His skin burned and burned and even with cooling packs, they couldn’t help him. It devastated me to see him suffering at the end of his life, even though the nurses tried their best to keep him comfortable. Each time he had what I now know is called “Cheyne-stokes” respirations, we would think the time was near, but he kept on. We told him it was ok to go and that dad was waiting. My angel mother prayed over him, with him. She sang to him and I’m damn positive she delivered him to God herself and helped him transition peacefully between the two worlds. I don’t know where she got the strength. She never left his side until the last day. I wasn’t as strong. I couldn’t handle hearing his breath sounds without crying. I’m glad my mom and Ryan could, but I know it wasn’t easy. So, if you’re still reading this long story. wow. and thank you . I feel better for having wrote it out. It’s so much to talk about. I have some really great friends that let me vent to them during it all and have been there for me still. More angels that walk this Earth. <3

I know this is jumbled and all over the place. Half talking to Sean, half talking to whomever is reading. I apologize, but it has been cathartic for me to get it out.

Sean, in the end, I love you. Your life mattered. You had many positive impacts on people. You are missed. We are grateful for having had you for 35 years and I won’t ever forget you!!

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