#we need to nerf him somehow

[covertdismalness]

idol shouritsu doodles

[ardienothesieno]

taking notes on the hermitcraft charity livestream for my friend @pookapufferfish and also just anyone else who had to miss it 👍

these are going to be all over the place lol

i started my note-keeping like an hour or so into the stream so i dont have a lot of stuff from the beginning...

but: grian and scar opened the stream, showed off some of the items up for auction (like real wild life snails. i want one so bad but they're MASSIVELY out of my price range...)

POST-POSTING EDIT: I FORGOT THERE WAS AN IMP AND SKIZZ PODCAST. it wasnt really a traditional podcast though, martyn was asking them questions, a group of hermits would vote on who they thought had the best answer, and whoever lost got shocked by grian.

my most notable takeaway from the shock-cast is that if impulse could have any superpowers he'd want control over time, and skizz would want the ability to heal people. mmm yes food for the superhero aus

and then ren busted out this custom hermitcraft guitar that's also up for auction and played a song by green day

and then we got treebark content.martyn and ren ran the main stream for like 20 minutes

also we hit ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS really freaking fast. and they spun the wheel of chaos and it landed on ✨hermit boxing✨

ROBO-CLEO

okay now all that follows is liveblogging

i keep recognizing people in chat. like not even from mcyt spaces ive seen like three people who i know from skurry streams

martyn using they/them for cleo pog!!

THERE'S A JELLIE MURAL IN THE MINECRAFT OFFICE AWWW

irl guess the build / drawing... drawing things on whiteboards or building things and then guessing

cub is wearing a bob ross wig.

jimmy has built skizz's giraffe...

SKIZZ GIRAFFE REDEMPTION ARC GOES HORRIBLY WRONG

pearl has gorgeous handwriting

grian has obtained a cat keyboard and jimmy is beatboxing along

GEM GIRAFFE REDEMPTION ARC GOES INCREDIBLY RIGHT

they're gonna auction off the terrible drawings. i want one.

round two of guess the drawing / build has the most unhinged prompts ever. including the cursed creature mumbo built in the last permitmaster

it has gone off the rails incredibly fast

grian is just torturing everyone with nerf guns and whoopie cushions

jimmy is left handed

martyn's doing a dollar drive and it's not letting me donate because it doesnt take debit cards. now i need to somehow convince my dad to let me use his credit card... i'll pay him back but. gah. the hassle.

pearl and some person fighting in the background (who was apparently karn, her partner!)

TWO HUNDRED THOUSANDDDDDDDDDDDDD

joe and cub are boxing!! cub is still dressed like bob ross

it's been like 20 minutes and martyn is still going strong with the name reading. and about 30,000 dollars have been raised in that time alone

dimension 20 reference!

martyn's free from yelling names for now... in half an hour we raised SEVENTY THOUSAND DOLLARS

zed and tango hosting the QUIET GAMESSSSSSS. 3 teams of two, imp and gem, ren and skizz, GRIAN AND JIMMYYYY. basically just a bunch of weird minigames where you have to be as quiet as possible. scored on how quiet you are and how well you do

first minigame is moving marbles with spoons but the spoons are attached to a cowbell

gem and impulse did good. skizz and ren did better then i expected. jimmy and grain instantly dissolved into anarchy. jimmy and grian had the most marbles, skizz and ren were surprisingly the quietest

okay the next game is so weird. knocking around ping pong balls with party popper blow kazoo things. but you hold the kazoo for your partner so it's weirdly intimate

someone in the chat described it as nightmare blunt rotation and that the most accurate description yet

someone else in chat has named skizz and ren team rizz and i hate everything

also i realize now that if theyd have done this with commonly shipped pairs the fandom would never shut up

despite the absolute chaos that was happening grian and jimmy won that round on both number of balls and quietness. grian may have slapped jimmy at one point. (he totally did)

the last one is EVEN MORE COMPLICATED. one person blindfolded navigating a minefield of bubblewrap and rubber chickens. another with jingle bells on their ankles and a big stick to smack their partner around.

gem immediately has grabbed the big stick with an evil look on her face

impulse is INCREDIBLY clumsy and gem is just whaling on him

"IT'S ALL BUBBLES!!!?!?" -- impulsesv

ren and skizz have a STRATEGY

ren is doing adorable little shuffley step-steps. "Robo-penguin Ren... Renguin" -- Zedaph

JIMMY IS MOUTHING "HELP ME" OMG.... GRIANS GOING TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF HIM...

but theyve got the best strategy yet actually grian's only kinda beating the shit out of jimmy... they might win this...

GRIAN AND JIMMY TAKE THE WHOLE THING HOME!!!!!!!! SKYBLINGS VICTORY!!!!!!! THE ONE NO ONE EXPECTED!!!!!!

wheel spin for 200,000 landed on "tortilla slap challenge" whichll be weird

the artworks from guess the build have gone up on the auction site and scar is very horrified over something skizz drew... a "sentient sock" that looks very... sus.

speed TCG time!!!!!!! i dont know much about TCG so im gonna try and maybe try and study a bit during this part (also also every 1000 dollars donated each player gets an extra item card)

joe is doing live TCG sound effects

neither joe or ren cant flip a coin to save their lives

pearl v cub. ren v joe. ren v cub.

TCG IS TOO CHAOTIC I CANT FOCUS ON TRIGONOMETRY LIKE THIS

also i need to learn how to play this it looks so fun

this is HEATED. and ren keeps getting armor stands and is so pissed about it

REN TAKES THE VICTORY!!! and they raised like 20,000 dollars in the process holy cow "THIS IS THE MOST EXPENSIVE GAME OF TCG EVER TO BE PLAYED" -- Joe Hills

ONE MILLION DOLLARS RAISED FOR GAMERS OUTREACH IN TOTAL

THREE HUNDRED THOUSANDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

300k wheel spin has unlocked NERF GUNSSSSS

also it's "donate x amount of dollars get your name on a sign on hermitcraft" time

cleobot is back!

scar is having a fantastic time running the main stream

GRIAN HAS COME IN AND BARRAGED SCAR WITH BULLETS.

it's tortilla tiiiiiiiiiiime

twich has a personal vendetta against me. it gives me ads right when the exciting things are starting.

scar is apparently on the board of directors at gamer's outreach now!!

IMPULSE V JIMMY. a draw. they are both invulnerable to tortillas.

TANGO V ZED. tango loses through laughter

IMPULSE V ZED. zed didnt get a single slap on impulse. a draw.

also all the hermits really really like to play scissors. in rock paper scissors.

"she removed both of my heads from my body..." -- RentheDog

THE GIRLIES ARE FIGHTING (ren and false)

SKIZZ V GRIAN TORTILLA FIGHT. skizz wins lolol

...im buying a sign

gem signed pearl's ankle.

OKAY I GOT REALLY DISTRACTED FROM MY LIVEBLOGGING. THERE WAS WAR. THERE WAS A MASSIVE NERF GUN WAR. IT INTERRUPTED THE SIGN PLACING.

and yeah... i bought a sign <3

but i dont even know how to cover the half of the nerf war. but there was a lot of hotguy and cuteguy action

grian was even using two pistols instead of a bigger nerf gun... just like cuteguy in ddvau... omg...

at one point scar became a tank. and jimmy wheeled him behind enemy lines and he sniped four people and won the round

and theyre starting to wrap up now, martyn's doing another dollar drive. we're at $375,000...

everyone is signing the pc in the background of martyn's mad line-spitting

TEN HOUR MARK

we need 10,000 dollars... then we'll hit 400k and martyn can rest his vocal cords...

SPARKBIRD GOT MENTIONED

since it's been brought up like 13 times on the stream today. hey. you. you, the person reading this. you just lost the game :3

FOUR HUNDRED THOUSANDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

holy cow. that wraps up day one!!!!

im gonna reblog this post in a bit with all the screenshots i took. because i took a lot of them lol.

link to my day two liveblog

[devilish-cherry]

ᨳ♡₊➳ jujutsu kaisen x reader

ᨳ♡₊➳ crack with plot

"You hate your job. The pay is bad, your manager is worse, and customers are somehow both entitled and clueless. Just as you finish contemplating whether unpaid breaks are a human rights violation, weird new people keep showing up to the café. They all seem to know each other. Sometimes they talk in cryptic phrases. What the hell is this domain and why do they want to expand it? One time, a man with stitches on his forehead walked in, made prolonged eye contact with you, and then left without ordering anything. You’re pretty sure he was a serial killer. Another time, the one with white hair and sunglasses indoors mentioned a "higher mission", and you’re 90% sure this is how cult documentaries start. One of your regulars only speaks in weird food-related phrases. You assume he has some kind of medical condition, but no one explains anything to you. But you are not about to ask questions, because ignorance is bliss and also job security. And unfortunately, they are all weird and they seem very interested in coming back."

꒰ masterlist ꒱ ₊⊹. ꒰ chapter 7 ꒱ ₊⊹. ꒰ chapter 9 ꒱

ᨳ♡₊➳ or read on archive of our own!

ᨳ♡₊➳ a/n: hihi!! i would’ve updated sooner, but unfortunately, my body decided to nerf me with a sickness debuff. tragic. 😔 BUT!!! i had so much fun writing this chapter. like, full-on giggling to myself like a mad scientist. i really hope you guys enjoy it!! (or at the very least find it as funny as my fever-ridden brain did)

The day starts like any other. Which is to say, badly.

Greg the Manager, who has been conveniently absent all morning, suddenly materializes with the urgency of a man who just remembered his parole officer exists. He’s slightly out of breath, like he sprinted exactly halfway here and then gave up. His tie is loose, his shirt is untucked, and his eyes have the glazed-over look of someone who is about to make their incompetence your problem.

“Oh, by the way, a news crew is coming in five minutes.”

You pause mid-coffee pour. The statement is so absurd, so wildly out of pocket, that your brain flatlines for a solid three seconds. “A what.”

Greg, already retreating like the rat he is, waves a dismissive hand. “Yeah, yeah, some feel-good story about supporting small businesses or whatever. They called a few weeks ago? Thought it’d be good PR. Forgot to tell you. Anyway, good luck!”

You stare at him, waiting for some kind of elaboration. An explanation. An apology. A joke. Anything.

“And you’re telling me this now?”

Greg shrugs, the human embodiment of the ‘Not My Problem’ energy. “I forgot.”

“Greg.”

“Gotta go, bro.” And like that, he vanishes, as if he were never there to begin with.

You stand there, emotionally buffering. You stare at the empty space where he once stood, trying to come to terms with the fact that a news crew is about to descend upon your personal hellscape with exactly zero warning. You look down at your apron, which has a very concerning stain on it (origin unknown), and realize your only hope is radical acceptance.

There’s no time to panic. You take a deep breath, straighten your apron, and slap on your best retail smile—the one that says I hate my job but I need to pay rent!

The café door swings open, and in comes the news crew with the confidence of people who have never suffered a single day in food service. The camera crew bustles in, setting up tripods, adjusting microphones, and looking around like they’re trying to absorb the rich ambiance of your workplace. Which, to be clear, smells like burnt espresso and quiet desperation.

The reporter, a professionally dressed woman with overly bright eyes and the enthusiasm of someone who has never once been berated by a middle-aged woman demanding to know why oat milk costs extra, beams at you. "We’re so excited to feature your charming little café!"

The words I would rather die are on the tip of your tongue, but you figure that’s not what she wants to hear. Instead, you nod politely. “We are also excited.”

She turns toward a customer near the window—Muffin Guy, your most mysterious regular. He sits in his usual spot, staring unblinkingly at the muffin before him, as if waiting for it to reveal a prophecy.

The reporter, undeterred by the strange aura surrounding him, approaches. “We love to highlight loyal customers!” she chirps. “Sir, could you tell us what you love most about this café?”

Silence.

The camera zooms in.

Muffin Guy does not blink.

He does not move.

He does not acknowledge the camera, the reporter, or the fundamental concept of human interaction.

The silence stretches.

The tension is suffocating. The reporter’s smile wavers. A single bead of sweat rolls down the intern’s forehead. Someone in the back coughs.

The reporter, clearly regretting all of her life choices, tries again. “Sir?”

Still nothing.

The camera stays on him for a full twenty seconds.

It is unbearable.

You mentally check out just as the reporter shifts focus to you, her expression slightly cracked but still hopeful. “So, tell us about this lovely café.”

You recite your dead-inside script: “We serve coffee. Sometimes people drink it.”

There is a beat of silence.

The reporter’s enthusiasm dims like a cheap LED bulb. “Wonderful.”

The reporter, visibly eager to move on from whatever existential nightmare Muffin Guy just put her through, scans the café for her next victim. You can see the calculations happening in real time behind her eyes: Okay, that guy and the barista were a bust, but surely the next person will be normal.

Unfortunately, she picks Choso.

Choso, who has been standing near the counter watching you with his usual unblinking intensity, straightens up as she approaches. You can tell he's eager to be of assistance, but his posture is too stiff, his expression too serious, and he moves with the slow, deliberate energy of a cryptid trying to blend into human society.

“How about you?” The reporter smiles, extending the mic. “What’s your name?”

Choso stares at her for a beat too long, like he’s mentally reviewing whether or not he should tell her. Finally, he leans toward the microphone. “Hello,” he says in his usual dead-serious monotone. “I am Choso."

The way he delivers it makes it sound like a warning. Like he's introducing himself as an omen of death.

The reporter, momentarily thrown off by his delivery, laughs nervously. “Oh! And what do you like about this café?”

Choso considers this. Too long.

Like, way too long.

The camera guy shifts. The boom mic sags. The intern wipes a bead of sweat from his brow.

Finally, Choso nods to himself, having seemingly reached a conclusion of great personal significance. A normal person would say something safe like the coffee or the atmosphere or that it’s not a Denny’s. But Choso is not normal. “The barista.”

The camera zooms in on your horrified expression.

The world stops. The temperature drops. Somewhere in the distance, a dog barks.

The reporter blinks. Once. Twice. Three times, like she’s trying to reboot her system. Her professional instincts desperately try to steer this awkward trainwreck back onto the tracks. “And what about the drinks?”

Choso nods, like this is an acceptable question. “The lattes bring me peace.”

The reporter hesitates. “They… bring you peace?”

“Yes.” Choso stares directly into the camera, like he’s about to issue a public service announcement. His expression is completely unreadable. “I have known suffering. But the lattes are satisfactory.”

There is an audible silence. The kind that only happens when everyone in the room is simultaneously thinking Oh, this man has killed someone before. It’s like everyone suddenly realizes they are part of something far bigger than themselves. Something unknowable. Something profoundly unsettling. Somewhere in the background, Yuji is shaking his head like a man watching a car crash in slow motion.

There is no appropriate response to this, and yet the reporter is contractually obligated to continue this interview. “...Right. And, uh, what do you do?”

Choso doesn't hesitate. “I protect my brother.” he answers with a hint of pride.

“Oh!” The reporter latches onto this like a drowning woman grasping for a life preserver. “That’s… nice?”

Choso tilts his head, as if considering the very concept of “nice.” Then, as if suddenly struck by divine realization, he adds, “I would also protect the barista. If required.”

You nearly choke on your own spit.

The reporter, alarmed, shifts slightly away from him. “...Required from what?”

Choso does not blink. “Threats.”

“What… kind of threats?”

Choso narrows his eyes. “Unclear. But I remain vigilant.”

The weight of that statement sinks into the room. The energy shifts. The café suddenly feels smaller.

Then, with no warning, Choso reaches into his coat.

The reporter flinches. The intern drops his clipboard. The cameraman tenses, like he’s about to record a live crime.

Yuji, who knows exactly where this is going, starts waving his arms in the background like a man desperately trying to stop a rogue missile launch.

Choso pulls out… a single hard-boiled egg.

The collective exhale from the crew is audible.

Solemnly, as if this is the most important action he will ever take, Choso extends the egg to you.

“Eat.”

You stare at the egg, then at him, then at the egg again.

You clear your throat. “I, uh... Thanks, Choso.”

Choso nods once, as if you’ve just agreed to some kind of unspoken contract.

The reporter looks at the camera like she is moments from calling the police.

While the reporter is still trying to process the whole mildly threatening egg presentation situation, Gojo—human calamity, agent of chaos, destroyer of peace—has decided that his one and only mission is to singlehandedly ruin every single camera shot.

The moment the cameraman turns around, Gojo materializes behind the reporter, flashing a double peace sign like he’s about to drop the hottest mixtape of the century. His grin is blinding. His sunglasses somehow catch every possible light source.

The cameraman pivots, adjusting the shot.

Somehow, impossibly, Gojo is already there.

This time, he’s leaning against the counter, holding a latte he definitely did not pay for, sipping obnoxiously with exaggerated flair. He winks at the camera like he’s in an over-the-top commercial for overpriced cologne. If he had a fan blowing his hair back in slow motion, it would be perfect.

“Sir, please move,” the cameraman pratically begs.

Gojo, unfazed, turns his full attention to the lens.

“HELLOOOOO~,” Gojo sings, waving both hands like a game show host who has just revealed a brand-new car. “I’M THE FACE OF THIS ESTABLISHMENT!”

This is objectively false.

Before you can attempt damage control, Gojo launches himself next to you like a man with zero impulse control and a PhD in being a public nuisance. He throws an arm around your shoulders, his sunglasses catching the light dramatically, making it impossible to tell if he’s about to endorse your café or announce the second coming of Christ.

“This barista?” he announces dramatically, pointing at you with a flourish like he’s about to knight you on national television. “The best. The backbone of this place.”

Yuji, in the background, is visibly panicking. “Gojo-sensei, please. No.”

Gojo completely ignores him. Instead, he strikes a different pose, basking in the camera’s attention like it physically sustains him.

“I come here every single day,” he declares with the confidence of a man who lies recreationally.

You narrow your eyes. “You show up, like, once a week at best.”

Gojo ignores you, too.

The reporter, attempting to maintain some semblance of control, nods hesitantly. “Oh! So you’re a regular—”

“You know why?” Gojo interrupts and then pauses, letting the tension build as if he’s delivering the monologue of a lifetime. “The experience. The drama. The coffee that, against all odds, continues to exist despite this machine’s cursed energy.”

He gestures vaguely to the espresso machine.

As if in response, the espresso machine lets out a deep, unsettling groan that seems to reverberate through the walls.

The reporter looks horrified. “Cursed—what?”

“Nothing!” Yuji yelps, visibly panicked, as he attempts to grab Gojo. “He’s joking! Joking! Ha ha ha!”

Gojo, still completely ignoring Yuji, gestures dramatically to the café at large.

“I’m just saying,” he continues, effortlessly resisting Yuji’s efforts, “the vibes? Unmatched.” He motions toward Muffin Guy, who is still staring directly into the camera like an urban legend caught on night vision footage. “Where else do you find a guy like that?”

The cameraman—who is either an artist or a man in the process of losing his grip on reality—zooms in on Muffin Guy.

It is haunting.

Yuji tries to grab him once more. Gojo dodges effortlessly, throwing up finger guns at the camera.

“Hashtag Support Local Businesses!”

You consider whether it's legally permissible to quit mid-shift.

The reporter, who looks like she has aged twenty years in the past five minutes and like she's beginning to suspect that this café is actually some kind of underground social experiment, attempts to regain control.

Before she can salvage any part of this nightmare of an interview, the door opens.

The camera instinctively pans toward the entrance. The crew is expecting another customer, maybe, finally, someone normal.

They are wrong.

Toji walks in, moving with the kind of dangerous ease that suggests he’s about five seconds away from committing a felony or taking a nap—whichever comes first.

Toji, who was very much not expecting cameras, tilts his head slightly, his eyes flicking to the reporter, then the crew, then to you.

You lock eyes with him.

You watch, helpless, as he slowly takes in the situation.

Then, with the kind of ease that only comes from years of very questionable decision-making, he smirks.

“Damn. This place got cameras now? What is this, evidence?”

Behind him, Shiu walks in, immediately lights a cigarette inside the café like a man who has never respected a single law in his life, then realizes—far too late—that there are cameras everywhere. 

Slowly, with the calculated movement of a man processing a series of very poor life choices, he lowers the cigarette, muttering under his breath, “Oh, shit.”

The reporter goes still.

You can see the realization dawn on her face—the slow, sinking horror that she has just stumbled into something she was never supposed to witness. The reporter looks at you, eyes wide with concern.

You meet her gaze, deadpan.

You just nod.

By the time the segment actually airs, it is nothing like the wholesome, feel-good small-business feature it was supposed to be. Instead of showcasing a “quirky but struggling café,” the final product is an absolute trainwreck.

The official headline?

"Muffin Man, Mystery Egg, and Wanted Criminal? Local Café More Concerning Than Quirky."

It gets worse.

The tone of the segment suggests the café is possibly haunted, a front for illegal activity, and a gathering spot for deeply concerning individuals. It does not encourage people to visit. It warns them. Every shot looks like it was pulled from an unreleased horror documentary about places you should not go. The ominous background music—something that belongs in a Dateline special—only adds to the effect. 

The highlights include:

The news crew inexplicably leaving in the full, unbroken 15 seconds of Muffin Guy staring directly into the camera like he’s either a demon or an AI-generated horror experiment. No words. No movement. Just him, staring—waiting—as if challenging the audience to comprehend his existence. The way they edit it makes it look like he’s part of some psychological horror movie, a lost soul trapped between dimensions.

Choso’s interview, which, thanks to the dramatic lighting and his very serious tone, is framed like a true crime documentary. They use dramatic zoom-ins on his expression, emphasizing the fact that he looks way too intense for a man talking about coffee. The way he deadpans “I have known suffering. But the lattes are satisfactory.” is played over eerie background music, making it sound like he's fought in at least three wars, suffered great personal loss, and only finds solace in lattes. The words "Remains Vigilant Against Threats.” slide across the screen in bold letters.

Gojo and Yuji wrestling in the background while Gojo dramatically yells, “They can’t prove I don’t work here!” The footage is grainy, shaky, and the captions just read: [Incoherent yelling] as Yuji desperately tries to prevent Gojo from launching himself directly into the camera.

Toji, smirking at the camera, casually implying he is a wanted fugitive. The producers slow down his words for dramatic effect: “Damn. This place got cameras now? What is this, evidence?” followed by a zoom-in of his grin and the words: "??? Unknown Criminal Activity ???"

The espresso machine, actively rattling and smoking in the background of multiple shots. At one point, the camera catches it letting out a deep, unsettling groan, and they overlay dramatic violin music as the reporter visibly recoils. The segment's b-roll footage of the café includes multiple instances of the espresso machine shaking, glitching out, and occasionally making a noise that sounds vaguely like a demonic whisper. The captions simply read: [UNSETTLING METALLIC GROAN]

Greg the Manager, with the most suspicious phrasing humanly possible, stating, “We’re totallyyy not violating health codes!” The phrasing alone guarantees that everyone now believes the café is absolutely violating health codes. The camera cuts immediately after, giving it the same energy as a villain’s last known sighting before fleeing the country.

There is a random, blurry, and heavily pixelated, freeze-frame of Greg at the end of the segment, edited in black and white, with the words: “DOES THIS MAN KNOW WHAT HE’S DOING?”

The answer is no.

And finally, the closing words from the reporter, who stares deadpan into the camera, fully drained of life and hope, and states with exhausted finality:

“I am never going back there.”

The screen cuts to black.

A single ominous boom sound plays.

Gojo, watching the segment from his phone at full volume in the café, nods to himself, clearly proud of his work. “We did great!”

Yuji is actively attempting to dig a hole and bury himself in it.

Choso, on the other hand, looks genuinely pleased. He gives a slow, approving nod. “I have promoted the barista’s establishment.”

You stare at him. “That was not promotion, that was a federal warning.”

Gojo waves a dismissive hand. “Details, details.”

You don’t have the energy to argue. You’re already preparing for the worst when you walk into work the next morning.

You expect Greg the Manager to be pacing anxiously, waiting for someone from the health department to shut the place down.

You expect fewer customers because, surely, surely, no sane human being would willingly come to a place that was just portrayed as a front for criminal activity, a ghost-infested hellhole, and a potential cult meeting ground all in one.

You do not expect to see a line out the door.

You stop in your tracks, processing the sight of dozens of people wrapped around the block, all eagerly waiting to enter the chaos.

The café is more popular than ever. People aren’t scared. They’re curious.

Inside, Greg—who has learned absolutely nothing—is practically buzzing with excitement.

“Dude, FREE PUBLICITY!” he cheers, spinning in circles like a man who thinks chaos is good for business. "We need to, like, start making merch!"

You stare at him. Then at the never-ending line of morbidly curious customers.

Then at the espresso machine, which lets out a low, menacing growl.

Then at Muffin Guy, who is—as always—unmoving.

Then at Choso, who is standing in his usual spot by the counter, nodding approvingly, like he has manifested this outcome through sheer force of will.

Slowly, you reach into your pocket, pull out your phone, and start updating your resume.

ᨳ♡₊➳ a/n: fun fact: this chapter is based on my real-life nightmare scenario. i have never been a barista, but i have worked in an animal shelter (as a manager, no less—why did they trust me with that? unclear.), and i still have war flashbacks to the absolute menaces that walked through those doors. (there was a time when a man i instantly recognized from a local true crime documentary tried to adopt a dog from us?? he was found innocent because of very questionable reasons so needless to say i was terrified the whole time lmfao)

one day, the higher-ups told me the news was coming to interview us, and i lived in pure fear from that moment on. i spent days spiraling, imagining the absolute worst possible situations. (what if i tripped over a dog? what if i accidentally said something insane on live tv? what if i just. forgot how to speak?) i had actual nightmares about it. thankfully, they never came while i worked there, but the fear? the dread? permanently ingrained in my soul. so naturally, i had to make the barista suffer through it. :)

also!! just a heads-up—i wrote another side story for a choso x reader request set in the minimum wage, maximum suffering universe! not canon to the main fic, just a fun little “what if” scenario, feel free to check it out! as always, thank you so much for reading and your feedback!! reading your reactions makes my day, and i’m so grateful for everyone enjoying this little unhinged fic. hope you all enjoyed the chaos of this chapter!!

₊⊹. tag list: @alpha-mommy69 @luluminati @amortsukii-writes @inthedarkshadows000 @isomehowexist @not-aya @emochosoluvr @lov3vivian @literallyushiwaka @kodditty @arrozyfrijoles23

[campingwiththecharmings]

The Set Up

AN: Inspired by a prompt from this list. I'm not sure how I feel about this as it didn't turn out the way I wanted but I'm posting it anyway lol. Happy Star Wars Day! May the 4th Be With You 😊

(Un-beta’d)

Your friends set you up with The Perfect Guy™️

Rated: M-ish (very, VERY slight, honestly just rating it this just in case lmao) Words: 1,218 Pairing: Poe Dameron x Reader (pretty sure it's GN, please let me know if that's incorrect) Warnings: References to sex but no overt sexual content, awkwardness, drinking/tipsiness, mentions of past drunkenness, please let me know if I missed anything. AO3

——————

“Let us set you up,” they’d said. “It’ll be so fun,” they’d said. “We have the perfect guy for you,” they'd said.

The Perfect Guy. Right.

Just so happens you’ve already dated this particular Perfect Guy.

Well, maybe “dated” wasn’t the right word. “Had a history with,” maybe? Or, more like “shared a bed with”...

It was late last year, after one of many missions in the Outer Rim. You’d been having a drink at the Cantina, drowning your sorrows after the loss of a friend. He’d been doing the same for similar reasons. You’d gotten to chatting, commiserating, slinging back drink after drink, and had soon ended up outside Poe’s quarters sloppily making out against the door. He’d been solid, and warm—and such a good kisser—and Maker, you’d just needed the comfort he was offering. So, you’d slept together. You don’t remember too much, just flashes here and there, but it must’ve been awful because the next morning, he was nowhere to be found. You’d been embarrassed to say the least but thankfully you didn’t really run in the same circles. You’d never told anyone about it and it appeared he hadn’t either, so you’d just tried to forget about it.

“Poe,” you say, voice shaking slightly. “Long time no see.”

He has the decency to look at least a little uncomfortable, which gives you some hope that he’s not a complete nerf herder. 

“About that–”

You cut him off with a hand, shaking your head. “I don’t wanna talk about it.”

He pauses, lips still parted. He nods after a moment, briefly averting his gaze.

An awkward silence falls between you before he breaks it with a question. “Still drink spice rum?”

Your eyes widen a little in surprise—he remembered your preferred drink? “Oh, um, yes.”

He smiles gesturing toward the bar. “Can I get you one?”

After a moment’s hesitation, you nod. So, this date was still on then?

He returns and hands you the glass of rum, just the smell of it putting you a little more at ease. “Thanks.”

Silence falls between you again, but it’s less awkward somehow. 

“How’s BB-8?” you ask, gingerly sipping on your drink.

Poe’s eyes light up at the mention of his droid and it kind of warms your heart a little. “He’s good, thanks. Just got back from a mission in the Mid Rim so he’s getting cleaned up by the techs at the moment.”

You nod, trying to make yourself relax a little. “So the mission was successful then? I know you can’t go into details but…”

He nods enthusiastically, his mouth otherwise occupied with his Jet Juice. “Yes, definitely successful.”

“Good,” you reply, wetting your lips.

Poe’s gaze briefly drops to your mouth and your skin heats. You swallow hard, the memory of what kissing him felt like popping into your mind unbidden.

Kriffing hell, you had to get out of here.

But you don’t, instead choosing to torture yourself with more awkward conversation. You talk about a lot of things, but none of it feels natural. Not even after four spice rums. Finally, after what feels like an eternity, he offers you an out, explaining that he has an early call tomorrow. Relieved, you jump to your feet, swaying a little, your head spinning a little. Maker, maybe four spice rums was too many on an empty stomach…

You feel Poe’s hands on your shoulders as he tries to help steady you, a concerned look on his face. 

“You okay?”

You chuckle, slightly embarrassed. “I think I just…stood up too fast.”

He looks unconvinced but doesn’t try to stop you as you move to walk away from the table you’d been sitting at, your legs feeling like jelly. 

“Hey, um, maybe I should walk you back?” he offers, eyebrows raising hopefully.

You shake your head, then immediately regret it, the quick movement making the room spin.

“Okay,” you hear Poe say, his warm, strong hands steadying you once more. “I’ve got you, it’s alright.”

He threads your arm through his, his voice soft as he directs you to wrap your fingers around his forearm for more balance. It gets better the longer you walk, your feet less clumsy, the room less…spinny. You’re pretty much back to normal by the time you make it to your quarters.

Wordlessly, you key the door code in, the familiar snick of the door opening reaching your ears.

“Thanks for walking me back,” you tell him softly, staring resolutely at your feet.

“Of course, anytime,” he says, slowly releasing you from his hold. “You sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine,” you chuckle breathlessly, stealing a brief glance at him. “Just a little embarrassed.”

He tsks, leaning his shoulder against the wall beside the door. “Embarrassed? What for? Not like I haven’t seen you drunk before.”

You snort, shaking your head at the low blow. “This is true.”

He’s smiling when you finally meet his eyes, the tension between you thawing slightly. You stare at each other for a moment, Poe’s face shifting before he looks away. He chews his lip, drawing your attention as he says, “I know you said you didn’t want to talk about it but—”

“I still don’t,” you interject, averting your gaze once more. “Look, I get it. It was bad. Let’s  just…be adults and move on, okay?”

Poe’s brow furrows at your words. “What was bad?”

You scoff, not daring to meet his gaze. “You know.”

“I really don’t,” he argues, sounding genuinely perplexed.

You sigh, annoyance flickering in your chest. “The sex obviously.”

“Y–you thought it was bad?” he asks after a beat, stepping a little closer to you.

His proximity forces you to meet his eyes.

“You’re the one that left,” you whisper, swallowing thickly as you begin to walk into your room. “Good night, Poe.”

His hand on your bicep halts your progress and you snap your head back toward him, the quick movement making the hallway spin for a moment. 

“You were the one that left.”

Your mouth opens and closes wordlessly before you respond. “What?”

Poe leans in, close enough that you can feel his breath against your cheek. “I left to go get breakfast for both of us and when I came back, you were gone.”

No, that’s…that’s not possible…Is it? 

“I–,” you begin, exhaling heavily. “When I woke up, you were gone. So I thought—-”

He curses under his breath, releasing your arm as he runs a hand through his curls. “Listen, I would never—,” He pauses, swallowing hard before continuing. “I’m so sorry you woke up alone.”

His words ignite a spark in your chest, the warmth of it permeating, spreading out toward your fingertips. “Thanks.”

“Could we—,” he begins, wetting his lips. “Could we maybe start over?”

You smile softly, meeting his earnest brown eyes. “I think I’d like that.”

He smiles back, relieved.

—

The next date you have ends in Poe's quarters again, but this time you remember every second—every kiss, every sigh, every brush of skin against skin. It's so good. He makes sure you know he's still there in the morning, too, waking you up with his head between your thighs.

Maybe your friends were right, maybe he is actually The Perfect Guy.

If you enjoyed this, please let me know! I appreciate every single reblog and/or comment. Thank you. 💖

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[muletia]

hold on i just gotta day this but THE MERS ARE LIKE ZORAS??? OH THE GLORIOUS ZORAS???????

Speaking as a BoTW and ToTK player I usually only revisit the game just to vibe in either Link’s house or the Zora domain to visit my cutie patootie hubbie the glorious Sidon. Have you seen how Zora WADDLES because their leggies are too short to support their huge upper body properly JANDJDJDKFJ they are an apex predator on water but even we can crawl and still win in a dash race against Zoras probably

Now imagine that with merformers or mer OP where you are scared he will hunt you down on land but then you saw how he walk/run and went “oh ok nvm maybe all those PE lessons aren’t so bad afterall” LMAOOOO

YANA IN MY INBOX??? Did the holidays come early?? Nah but HELLO!!!!

Yana, you need to know my knowledge of BOTW is basically zero 💀 All I know is that Sidon exists and he’s hot hehe

I had no idea the Zoras walk in such a goofy way and have such short little leggies WHO THE FUCK APPROVED THIS DESIGN LMAOO. But ngl it’s kind of cute, I guess they had to nerf them somehow on land, right?

And as for mer!Opti, I unironically see this as a turning point in your relationship. You see how he walks on land, and suddenly he’s not that scary anymore, especially once you find out he’s chasing after you on those stubby little legs because he wants to say good morning or give you a courting gift (a tuna)

Imagine laughing at how he runs, but he has no idea why, and he’s just happy that you’re not afraid of him anymore. Oh Opti, you’re too good for this world

[phie04]

Inconvenience | g. clarke

Chapter 3 - Ikea Trip

Summary: four boys and noa in ikea, what could go wrong?

Word Count: 1.1k+

Warnings: swearing, George being a dick

noamurphy

liked by chrismd10, arthurtv and 13,473 others

noamurphy literally got halfway to Ikea before they demanded to stop for food

comments open

chrismd10 well we were hungry what did you expect?

⮑ noamurphy wait??? to get Ikea meatballs???

⮑ gkbarry_ noa speaking facts as usual

⮑ noamurphy love you babe x

arthurtv but we wanted hot dogs

⮑ noamurphy yeah and I wanted a successful football career but we don’t always get what we want

⮑ arthurhill just saw chris choke on his hot dog after he read this

⮑ fan new Noa lore?????

fan1 she’s so real for giving us this

⮑ fan2 mother really fed us today

⮑ noamurphy I worry for you guys sometimes

fan3 Ikea vlog 👉👈🥺 pls

⮑ noamurphy arthurtv ?

⮑ arthurtv 🫡

“Thank fuck.” Noa muttered, as the car finally pulled into the Ikea store parking lot. Somehow, their half an hour journey had doubled in length when Arthur TV declared that he was hungry and wanted to get hot dogs. “Honestly, all you guys do is think about your stomachs.”

“But I was hungry-“

“Well aware of the Television, maybe you should have had breakfast.”

“I had two Costco cookies!”

“Is that really what constitutes as a healthy breakfast these days.” Noa replied, rubbing her temples. “C’mon, let’s get this show off the road and into Swedish Heaven.”

Noa managed to herd the boys into the showroom area without much fuss, but once they were inside was where the real trouble began.

Arthur, who had decided to vlog the entire trip was running round the bedrooms with Chris, deciding to tumble out of a wardrobe every five minutes to declare that ‘they weren’t in Narnia any more’, which not only drew the attention of all the other shoppers, but some of the workers as well.

“Dixie! Please hold yourself together for five minutes, please? Just five minutes so that I can choose a bed frame and wardrobe…preferably one that you and Arthur haven’t tried to jump out of.” Noa pleaded, examining a black wooden bed.

“What colour do you want everything in? Because that will narrow the search down.” Chris said, before gazing at a set of bunk beds. “You know, if you ever wanted to have more than one person stay-“

“I’m not getting bunk beds Chris.” She sighed. “I’m not seven years old. Or making a nerf war sequel with my cousins.”

Starting to turn red, as the others snicked, Chris shook his head. “I was a kid okay? And at the time it looked good and we had fun!”

“Is anyone feeling thirsty?” Arthur TV asked, a slow grin starting to form. “I could go for a can of quick revive.”

Chris groaned in frustration, throwing his hands in the air. “Children, I’m friends with actual children.”

The four looked at each other, processing what he had just said, before dissolving into fits of giggles. Realising what they had interpreted, Chris shook his head and began to walk off. “Great, now they’re going to joke that I’m a nonce. Wonderful, just what I needed today, really, really it is.”

“Oh come on Chris, we know you don’t like kids. George, on the other hand-“

“Nope not even starting that conversation.” George grumbled, beginning to play with the drawers of one of the bed. “Why would someone want drawers on their bed?”

“If they don’t have enough room for a wardrobe I’m guessing. Not everyone has YouTuber money you see.” Noa replied, raising her eyebrows at him to reinforce her point. George just rolled at her and walked away, causing Noa to turn to the two Arthurs.

“Okay, what is his problem? Was it something I said? Or did?” She asked, moving to go inspect the next set of beds.

“Uh, we don’t actually know, we’re trying to figure it out too.”

“So he hasn’t even told you guys? Don’t you have like, guy time where you air all your grievances about stuff, and then bark like dogs at the end of it?”

Arthur (Hill) snorted. “No, you’re thinking of the Diamond Dogs, from Ted Lasso.”

“Shit yeah I am. Point still stands, he hasn’t said anything?”

“Not to us at least. And then I’d guess nothing to Chris either, because Chris then would have told us.”

Noa sighed as she ran her hand over a wooden bed frame. “Great, so one of your closest friends is pissed at me and I don’t even know why.”

“I’m sure he’ll come round, don’t even worry about it.”

“Thanks.” She muttered. “You know what, I think I’m gonna get this one. It’s cute, it’ll fit in my room, and I’m pretty sure there’s a matching desk and wardrobe.”

Grinning wickedly, Arthur (Frederick) beckoned Chris and George back over to join them. “You know, I reckon you need to test it, just to make sure that you like it.”

Noa smiled and flopped onto the bed. “Happy now?”

“Nah, I reckon you need someone to test it with you know? Just in case you ever find someone, or get lucky on a night out.” Arthur said, turning his head slowly to look at George.

“Why are you looking at me?” He asked, a small undertone of disgust in his voice, causing Noa’s eyebrows to raise gently.

“Well my shoes are muddy, so that’s a no. And Arthur and Chris are like her brothers, so I wouldn’t ask that of them.”

“But you’d ask that of me.” He grumbled quietly, moving to stand next to the bed. George sighed. “Move over then.”

Noa did so, smiling apologetically at George, before shooting a glare at the other three, who had all whipped out their phones.

George bit his lip as he laid down next to Noa, and began glaring daggers at the back of her head. He was hating every second, especially the fact that no matter where he looked, all he could see was Noa. From the top of her head all the way to where her hair fell on her back, obscuring the graphic print on the back of her hoodie. For a second, he wasn’t sure if he was in Ikea or his own personal hell, crafted for him by Arthur Hill.

“Wait, Noa you gotta make sure you’ve got enough room to roll over.” Chris added, throwing the couple an enthusiastic double thumbs up.

“I’m gonna kill you.” Noa said, only loud enough for George to hear, as she narrowed her eyes at Chris, who was too busy grinning from ear to ear, along with the two Arthurs.

George saw this and averted his gaze, doing everything he possibly could to avoid meeting Noa’s eyes as she faced him. He resisted for as long as he could, but eventually caved.

Luckily, he didn’t meet Noa’s eyes, as she had presumably fazed out, gazing at the geometric pattern on the pillow. George’s stare softened slightly has he studied her features, noticing the faint freckles that dotted over her nose, as well as the small circle of amber that added contrast to her icy blue eyes.

George wasn’t sure how he had been staring at her, but he was saved from any further embarrassment by Chris clearing his throat. “Glad that’s over.” He said, immediately sitting up and fixing his hair, leaving Noa behind.

She coughed, rubbing her face as if it would absolve her of any feelings of uneasiness and embarrassment. “Thanks for that.” She muttered to the two Arthurs. “I’m sure that really helped the situation.”

“I reckon so yeah.” Arthur Television agreed happily.

“Being sarcastic Artie, being sarcastic.” She sighed, patting his shoulder.

chrismd10

liked by noamurphy, arthurhill and 386,820 others

chrismd10 can’t buy an ikea bed without testing it first

comments open

fan1 noa??? and George???? what is going on right now???

⮑ fan2 I was there and I don’t think they’re a thing bc Arthur asked them to do it

⮑ fan1 but why would he do that if not for…?

noamurphy hate you arthurhill

⮑ arthurhill love you too

maxbalegde can’t believe my mans in bed with someone else

⮑ noamurphy not my fault I promise he’s all yours x

fan4 I know they say that there’s nothing going on but look how close they are!!!! really confused rn

⮑ arthurtv Watch my vlog and then you’ll be fine

gkbarry_ omg who’s that fittie in bed

⮑ georgeclarke yours truly

⮑ gkbarry_ ew no not you

⮑ chrismd get roasted George

⮑ georgeclarke shut up hobbit

[death-in-a-handbasket]

PHILIPPE SEX HCS (the long way)

woe upon ye weary travelers, I have sex thoughts on him, below is my full unabridged thesis on what is wrong with his brain in a slut way

==> Enter the whore chambers?

Okay strap in mothers and fuckers of the jury because this guy is fucking wild and I will be pulling out all the stops because god died when I started wanting to fuck this guy

–He is extraordinarily temperamental which sets him up to have the worst attitude towards sex. As a general statement I think he has very large overwhelming emotions that shake him up and rob him blind, like he doesn’t control his feelings, his feelings control him. The only way he’s able to combat his feelings is with other feelings so he often ends up fighting himself with the exact opposite reaction. For each ounce of sexual lust he feels, he often gags with disgust or hatred in response. As a result, all his emotional wires are crossed in his brain in the worst way. Love is fought with hatred, wanting is beaten with disgust, mania is coupled with aching despair. As such he has sex like he’s listening to 25 different voices all with contradicting opinions, he often ends up lashing out at himself or at the object of his desire. Often times this means that he is angry when he is horny, blindingly so, anger is the most prominent and powerful feeling he has in him, and it bleeds into every other emotion in his body. He is entranced by what angers him, and what disgusts him becomes so hypnotic that he finds himself obsessed and desiring of it. 

–His flirting is what you'd politely call mixed signals, he has all the hallmarks of an obsessive artist who yearns to study every inch of your form with fevered passion but his ego and tendency to uno reverse his own emotions means the romantic artist in him gets nerfed on sight and comes out rather garbled and half-cocked instead. Say he develops an obsession with the look of your mouth (which he certainly will) the romantic in him wants very badly to bring your face close to his and run his hands along your lips and muse about the softness and rosiness of them–which is startling if you are unprepared for it but nonetheless reads as flirting. However the message to flirt gets hit by the train that is disgust at his own softness and the result emerges as him grabbing you by the chin to hold you a safe distance from him while he heavily breathes and stares at your mouth before shoving you away like you somehow displeased him. He is rock hard, an utterly bewildering situation if you don't know what he's like. 

–With this in mind let’s start out light, shall we? I think he kisses hard and roughly, especially if he finds himself wanting to give in and be tender, but weakness will get the best of him and in between kissing like ravenous dogs he will find himself overwhelmed and sighing into your mouth like he needs to taste the heavens from your soft lips. Sometimes this backfires all over again and he digs his teeth in, either biting his lip or yours. A first kiss with him will always be awkward, it won’t happen when he intends it to, but rather when he becomes so overtaken that he just finds himself needing it more than anything. Gets sloppy and desperate and will try to slip his tongue in with violent fervor. If you kiss back with equal fervor he will engage in sloppy makeouts until disgust chokes up in his throat and pulls away to wipe his mouth off as though your very touch is staining him. 

–He has an oral fixation, a very obsessive one at that, he likes to wear lipstick himself and feel sensual but seeing lipstick on another person makes his eyes fix so hard on the color and look of their mouth that it nearly careens into hatred with how much it captivates him. He is also fixated on teeth as well, he’s trained himself to view teeth as a metric of someone’s criminal evils and so people with crooked teeth often catch his eye, and yet his distaste for criminals still has him obsessing over that detail as heavily as though it were a lover which means he inadvertently finds his face warming at the thought of such teeth. 

–Despite traveling and peddling his theories, his tunnel vision has him so fixed on his job that he’s had few opportunities to pursue his desires, or rather he’s pushed people away in the name of work, both unintentionally and actually turning people down. He comes off rather focused and unapproachable despite being quite handsome so most do not try to chase, but when they do he steers them away. I think he knows there is something deeply off kilter with him and does not want to impart that on people unless he ardently hates them, I think he even tries to hide his crazy from Christina, albeit sort of poorly, she knows him well. What I’m saying is, bro has not gotten laid much for shit, maybe once or twice at best and he never spoke to the person he fucked again. This revulsion with himself and being with someone has led to him being very pent up and touchstarved. He’s jealous and clingy with those he keeps close to him, regardless if they’re a lover or a foe, he can’t stand having their attention diverted from him, it drives him mad. 

–Has a strange dichotomy where he wants so desperately to be skin to skin with someone and feel the warmth and blood pulsing beneath their skin, he craves that warmth. But he also finds a strange hatred in being close to someone’s face. To be close to their face implies tenderness and vulnerability, something that disgusts and frightens him. So strangely, though he craves being pressed chest to chest with whoever he wants, those violent hands of his will push their face away from him. He will do this however works best in what position he is with them but more often than not it’s his instinct to place his hand on the neck right beneath the jaw and push back to tilt their face up and away. But sometimes the sadist part of him gets the better of him and he’ll pin them down to stare at their expressions in rapt attention. 

–He is more predominantly a sadist but he has masochistic parts to him too. This sadistic part of him emerges most strongly in how roughly he handles people and ESPECIALLY in how verbally degrading he is. He’s very very critical in his work and daily life, not to mention critical of himself, he speaks in cruelty fluently. He’s fond of the word “insolent” as though he is scolding someone, as well as other colorful descriptors in the arena of misbehavior, softness, and filth coupled with dehumanizing words. Will refuse to refer to you by your name or even “you” at all, he speaks as though you are an “it” rather. “insolent thing.” “quit whimpering.” “disgusting, you whine like an animal.” “hideous, pitiful thing, so pathetically yielding.” “stop squirming, I’ll make it hurt.” “show me what pain looks like. give it to me.” “ugly thing.” 

–He is less violent the more compliant someone is but he secretly craves fight, he likes people who kick and fight and struggle, telling them to shut up and stop moving pours out of him readily and as harshly as acid. The fight excites him in a strange way, to be hated just as much as he expresses hate. A brat would be best for him in all cases, he only likes the fight if the person lashing out back at him genuinely wants him. It's not fun for him if they don't moan in delight by the time he's done wrestling them onto his dick. I digress though his speaking during sex or any sensual relations is wildly inconsistent, he keeps getting caught up in the starving romantic part of him, that greedily possessive heart that burns in him and gets drunk off the feeling of warm flesh. In between telling you to shut up, a new set of words bubble out of him as his feelings spill over the edge. “promise yourself to me. let me have you.” “give yourself to me.” “give your body to me.” “give me more.” These diverge into two directions, one that twists back into sadism but is more obsessed with causing physical harm than being verbally cruel, and the other that is lovesick on passion. “ah, your mouth, you taste so sweet.” “bring your warmth closer to me, let me feel it.” “open your mouth, I want to hear more.” “so soft and supple your flesh is, how it melds beneath my hands…” “your flush colors you so rosily…so pretty…so pretty…ah…” 

–As for the part that diverges into physical sadism, you’ll find him saying things like “I’ll give you pain, I’ll make it hurt” “soft wretch.” “look at me I want to see you hurt.” “does it hurt? tell me it hurts.” “ah…the way you bleed…” “go on, scream” “show me agony.” He’s very physically harsh, he likes bending people into twisted and uncomfortable positions just to see their face contort in discomfort and their body shake in pain. He frequently digs his nails in to the point of pain and is not above using his carving tools to cut and gouge small wounds into you, not enough to truly puncture deep but enough to lacerate and bleed. He has an obsession with the colors pink and red which I will expand on further down but truth be told he loves seeing the way blood spills and stains the skin as well as when it starts to blot into pristine fabric, the way it seeps through each thread and reddens the flesh even when you wipe it away is nothing short of mesmerizing. His pupils dilate and his breathing gets heavy like he’s in a trance. He has no desire to lick the blood nor commit acts of cannibalism, only to watch the bleeding and hear the whimpering of pain. He likes it when you shake, and while he doesn’t have a thing for crying, he likes seeing people’s faces scrunch up trying to hold back screaming or crying, it’s the restraint that gets to him and makes him want to snap. 

–He doesn’t deal much with mentally breaking people down using mindfuckery tactics or gaslighting, he’s very physically driven. So his method of causing mental distress is using the body, he likes pushing the body to its limits, it’s what he studies and dissects and obsesses over, he wants to see how far he can torture the body before the mind falls apart at the seams. He has no desire to make the body limp and unexpressive, which is why he’ll never truly push the body into giving out, but rather he wants to shatter the mind while the body goes into a state of madness. As for any masochistic tendencies he may have, he likes having his hair pulled and being clawed and kicked at while restraining someone. His stomach and along the sides of his ribcage are sensitive, and digging a knife or carving tool into such places is enough to make him flush, you could even get away with stabbing him if he’s lost deep into the sex enough. 

–Has an obsession with the colors red and pink, pink is very very enticing to him, it makes people look soft and delicate which appeals to the passionate romantic in him who can’t help but love people who look like fresh roses. Pink cheeks, pink mouth, ruddy fingertips, the blush that spreads across the skin while fucking, the look of sheer white fabric tinting pinkish when sitting on the flesh, the look of rosy fabric hugging a beautiful body like petals of a flower. Red does this too, but red also reads as garish and whorish to him which tickles a bit of a guilty pervert part of his brain, and it works best in accents whereas pink works best enveloping the body. A tease of red garters high up on the thighs, a mouth done up in lipstick, red nail polish, red ribbons in the hair or around the throat, rouge on the nape of the neck or on genitals. It positively kills him, makes him rile up with anger and want to dig his claws in. This is why blood also entices him in small amounts, seeing pretty little dashes of red all over delicate skin and staining fresh pink fabric just overwhelms him with the stunning look of the visuals. He’s an artist, and what else could he be weaker for than something aesthetically pleasing, especially if it’s done for him and his attention and ESPECIALLY if he’s the one who did it. This obsession is amplified if you wear silk, his tactile nature lends him to love soft flowy fabrics that slip through the fingers like water, nylons also catch his fancy. 

–Okay let’s address the big part, the waxplay, the main extravaganza. He prefers to personally take a candle and pour it over the body in places he deems fit. However, while most would be invested in letting it run down the thighs or breasts, he prefers to let it drip in places he sees as more punishing, this is not for sexual visuals but rather a power trip to dole out punishment. He likes pouring it on the hands, the stomach, the back of the neck, and the lower back. He likes seeing the way it sears and burns and hearing the pained whimpering for each droplet that hits them. However he does not get off on you pouring wax on him ironically he solely prefers to be the one dealing, not taking on this aspect. I think he too has a temperature play kink but in the reverse direction, I think the shock of hitting him with anything cold jolts him to the point where he gets hard. 

–In times of mental instability I think he's tried to control his own emotions either by considering harming himself in various ways (gouging out his eyes, burning himself, choking himself) or trying to shock his brain into cooperating via cold bathwater, something he picked up on while doing some research in the asylums, this means he became prone to letting his head rest in the cold bath to the point where he would nearly drown. Ngl I think the wires got crossed in his mind and now whenever cold water hits him the shudders that run through his chest from the shock feel a little too close to the shivers that run through him when he cums. You could waterboard him for a bit if you manage to restrain him and the result will likely be a near death experience but he'll be hard the entire time because being semi-drowned in cold water is a new and riveting experience for his hungry sensory needs. 

–I think he's actually quite fond of bondange, he likes people that struggle and the tussle of binding them up gets him off lowkey, I think he prefers to gag them and just bind the hands so your legs are free to kick and squirm while he carts you around. He prefers using fabric rather than rope to bind and really likes hearing the muffled sounds of pain behind the gag, but once he gets in his feelings while fucking he’ll take the gag off to hear you moan openly. In the vein of bondange I think he would also quite enjoy a st andrew’s cross that he could pin you up on. any circumstance in which you are rendered immobile will result in one of the following happening. He’ll jack off in front of you but that's not really his main thing, he probably likes cutting you while you're pinned back, or setting candles all along your body so he can slowly watch the wax drip over you. Will sketch you for his own viewing pleasure while you hang there. A more unconventional route for breaking your body is food, letting you sit and starve for a bit while he eats in front of you until you beg to eat. Gets off on seeing you having to eat off his fork because your hands are out of commission.

–Let’s flip the script for a minute and see what happens when you verbally torment him. Because his habit of being verbally caustic means you can actually fight fire with fire but you must be prepared for the various consequences. The easiest thing to do to put a crimp in his brain really is to kick him while he's down. Catch him in a moment where his romantic wants to come out and do something horny and passionate, watch for where the hatred and disgust train hit him, and then taunt him. Tell him that you know he wants you badly, that you think the struggle is cute, that he can hide all he wants behind those boiling emotions but you can see what he's truly like, that he can't hide anything from you. Prod at all his hidden perversions and soft parts, if you catch him wanting to study your facial structure tell him that he just can't get you out of his mind huh? That he must have a little obsession doesn't he? watch him choke on his own feelings. If he's roiling with anger, poke the bear and taunt him for being angry, ask if he wants to kill you, ask if he hates you, ask if he loves you. This will successfully cross all the wires in his brain into an incomprehensible mess where all he knows for certain is that he's horny and wants to fuck like a maned wolf hunched over a fresh kill. 

–He doesn't fuck in his own bed, more often than not his argument with people he's into end up happening in random parts of his house and that's where shit will go down, it's most common that you will fuck him in his workshop or the bathroom + the hallway outside. Even if the option to fuck in his bed was the easiest choice he prefers his workroom because it gives him a sense of control. All his tools are in there and readily available for him to use, and the walls of his workroom have seen way more of his emotional highs and lows than his bed, that room is his feverish beating heart. He's jacked off in there, pulled his hair out of stress, pondered gouging his own eyes out, talked to the walls, and made carving after carving after god forsaken carving of his obsessions. It is the melting pot of all his feelings and it runs through him like a live wire any time he starts pressing you flat to his worktable.

–He likes the stomach and chest, not the boobs either, he means the bone in the center connecting your ribs together and seeing how your chest rises and falls with each breath you take. As such he usually prefers positions where you are face up for his observations and desires. He's incredibly tall and broad up top but the rest of him is narrow and wiry. As a result he doesn't particularly prefer being ridden or having you on top of him, he prefers to be the one looming over you to the effect of having his form consume you. He also prefers being on top so he can use the full weight of his body to bend and twist you in various ways and keep you pinned down. As such he usually ends up in a very violent missionary but his desire to put people in uncomfortable positions will have him bending your legs out of the way in various directions to the point of accidentally recreating the mating press, albeit without the mating intention. He also might roll you to your side or face down to achieve that discomfort factor. But he really does prefer face up because he can't help being enamored by getting to see and grab at your soft underbelly. The stomach means things to him because it represents vulnerability and softness and to have such a tender part of you so readily at his disposal to use makes the power trip in him go insane. His pupils dilate and he gets that “mine. mine. mine !” look in his face that indicates he's fully lost it.

–At the core of who he is, he knows to some degree that there is something wrong with him, he knows that nobody will want it. But he craves to have so badly, he's greedy and selfish and hungry he wants to keep things, he's deeply possessive. He can't stand seeing the object of his obsessions with someone else or not devoting attention to him, he wants to dig his nails into someone so hard it hurts and keep them tethered to him. He hates violently and he loves violently too, the only way he knows to express that to people is by force and control. Seeing you bear any mark of his makes the shameful little beast in him that wants to keep you crow with victory. Wear his favorite colors, go out with his lipstick on your mouth, wear clothes he likes, wear jewelry he's given you, gain scars and burns from where he's hurt you during sex, he NEEDS visibility that you belong to him. Something something “your form is marked off as mine it belongs to me I will shape it and see it how I please I will take every right to hurt and deprive and use your body for pleasure or for pain, mine to study mine to destroy mine to keep, there is nothing I can’t do to you.” Taking his last name in marriage too would make him go batshit. This is why during sex sometimes, that cruelty and sadistic laden freak will slough off for just a moment and he's holding onto you so tightly it hurts. Just holding on and feeling the physical confirmation that you are here and belong to him. It's utterly desperate and besotted. 

–As for the man himself, he runs hot like a furnace and starts panting like a dog when he's deep into fucking you, his stamina is decent but after he's engaged in his pervert foreplay observations hour he starts to slide downhill into desperate and overeager and will cum so hard and unexpectedly that he shivers violently. His hair gets this strange halfway point of clinging to him from sweating and sticking up like a feral animal. 6 inches hard for those that means things to, with large invasive hands to boot. He doesn't care if you jack him off he doesn't really need it and he's already charged with horny as is, however he does like grinding until his clothes are clinging to him and he does enjoy fingering someone. However because he is a rage freak he tends to finger rather invasively and roughly, he likes to see people gasp out in pain and look a little scandalized like a violation is occurring. He can switch to gentle though and it sometimes kicks in when his anatomy freak tendencies are getting the better of him and he wants to feel out every crevice of you. Doesn't particularly care about getting head but can give decent head himself, sometimes uses too much teeth though. He is neutral towards giving head it's not as fun for him as fingering so this is not really a common occurrence for him. If your dick hits his gag reflex though he looks kinda cute choking on it. 

–Keep in mind all of these perversions and desires are pent up and kept private 90% of the time because he does not get laid so everything that is crazy here is just heightened when he finally gets to do it. He doesn't attend to himself often, he usually lets his feelings compact until he's so horny he feels like he's gonna pass out and that's when he finally chooses to jack off. He does it with anger and fervor and after he busts like his soul is leaving him he just ends up staring into space with a thousand yard stare no light behind his eyes. He has a lot of compacted feelings so his insanity and need to finally jack off usually kicks in after about a week. The rest of the week though is usually spent taking out his perversions in other ways, as he is kind of a sick bastard with many fetishes to his name.

There will be a second post that details the nastier levels of freak this man is into, including abortions, necro, and incest, ==> Do you wish to proceed?

[justinspoliticalcorner]

Robyn Pennachia at Wonkette:

“This violence that I’ve seen is disgusting,” LAPD Chief Jim McDonnell said in a press conference about the anti-ICE protests in Los Angeles this weekend. I’d agree with him, except that he was talking about violence coming from the protesters, not his own officers. The protesters, he said, were throwing fireworks at the police, adding that they could be fatal. There have been a whole lot of videos of these protests so far and while it’s entirely possible that this has been happening, somehow all of the videos I keep seeing are of the LAPD enacting horrific acts of violence on not just protestors, but on journalists covering the protests. (Though be aware, even if there is video, police in this country have a history of planting agents provocateurs to incite violent in order to shut down protests and turn public support to their side, so … grain of salt.) In this video, a police officer shoots a rubber bullet directly at Australian reporter Lauren Tomasi, hitting her in the leg. In the clip, Tomasi is standing alone on the street with no one in between her and the officer, who physically turns away from where the other officers were pointing their guns and shoots directly at her.

Now, it’s possible that the officer didn’t mean to hit Tomasi and instead meant to hit some terribly violent protester we cannot see, even when the camera spins around, but if that’s the case, that officer needs to be taken off the streets before they make a mistake like that with a real gun. This is not a person with good aim! I have never fired a gun in my life, and yet I am somehow confident that, in the same position, my aim would not be that bad — largely because I have eyes and because I would not point the gun directly at an Australian reporter. Tomasi wasn’t the only journalist hit, either. British photojournalist Nick Stern was shot in the thigh with a “sponge bullet.” What is that, you ask? Is it like what comes out of a Nerf gun? It is not! It is another kind of “non-lethal” bullet, like a rubber bullet, that could actually be quite lethal depending on where it hits you and how hard. In Stern’s case, the bullet tore right into his thigh — though, luckily, not in the femoral artery, in which case he would be dead now. "There was something hard sticking out of the back of my leg and my leg was getting wet from blood," Stern told the BBC. The wound was bad enough that he had to have actual surgery afterwards.

What a joke the LAPD are in shooting at Aussie outlet Nine News’ Lauren Tomasi and British photojournalist Nick Stern.

[eyes0fthev0id]

Forsakenstuck: lore pt.2

this is about 007n7, or as he’s known in this au as Zevens and what happened to his eyes

So to start let me give some context about zeven. He’s still very much a hacker in this au, though now he’s also a powerful psionic. Well, he was. He wasn’t like the captors we see in HS but he was a force to be reckoned with. When he was put in forsaken the specter had to nerf him because Zevens was pretty strong and the rounds would be no fun. He could just, fling the killer away. So they let him keep some of gui.

Zeven did still have the ability to use psionics but using them would hurt him significantly + it was just harder for him to even do anything useful with them. He could like zap the killer but it would do like 1 damage.

Now onto the story…

::3

So basically it was a really bad round, but somehow Elliot and Zevens are the two last trolls. Elliot it very low and is gonna die if he gets hit once more time. Zevens can’t really do anything to help him. He could body block but the killer is definitely gonna try and kill Elliot no matter what. Also it doesn’t really matter who the killer is here, anyone but Coolio (c00lkidd). So uh, lets say its Johnny boy. Im not calling him that- im just gonna say john doe 4 now

John doe just killed off the last stunner they had leaving the two defense. Zevens feels terrible, feels useless. In his head he’s thinking that Elliot already doesn’t like him, he’ll probably dislike him more if Zevens just lets him die. He cant stand it, he’s changed, he can do good! He can prove it!

As John doe run towards Elliot Zevens gets a risky idea. He’s gonna use his psionics to fling John away. Thats easier said than done. Because of the shit ass nerf the act of throwing a troll feels like throwing a mountain. But thats not gonna stop Zevens.

He uses all his strength, and lifts john doe up. His eyes are starting to burn but he doesn’t care. He needs to protect his teammate!!1!11! With everything he has he throws john away in a burst of energy. John guy goes crashing into a wall halfway across the entire map, knocking him out for a while.

Elliot is like “woah…you saved me…” before freaking out when Zevens starts screaming in pain. Starts bleeding from his eyes or something. Think of how Sollux looked when he was moving the meteor.

The round ends before john can lock back in, Elliot and Zevens spawn back in the lobby but his eyes are still burning and he feels like he got him by a truck. Thankfully he’s not bleeding from them as the specter kinda speedran the healing process for him (thankfully). So those cracks along his face are scars and all. He’s now officially blind from this point on.

Now Zevens metaphorically blew his internal fuse, and should have gotten voidrot and probably would have died from it shortly after, but the spectre has different plans for him. They keep him alive but make him blind aswell as always slightly tired, cold, and weak as punishment. Well, more tired, cold, and weak than usual. He broke the rules of what he’s supposed to do. You break the game you face the consequences.

This punishment kinda backfires on the spectra though. Because he can’t rely on vision anymore he starts to use his other senses + his memory more. Basically he starts to pick up on killers coming before the others. He memorizes where they can spawn in each map. He starts to pick up on how many hits a troll can take before they die. All that stuff. The spectra accidentally helps Zevens into his roll as a seer of doom. Oops.

(Dont listen the last gif, instead go to the designated forsakenstuck ask blog)

[hearts-hunger]

the thing about tlou hbo's portrayal of joel and ellie is that it feels very much like a way to retcon their characters to make tlou2/the second season of the show seem even remotely believable.

you have to have ellie be snarky and aggressive and bitchy from the get go for it to make sense that she becomes cold and distant and hateful in the second game/season. because an innocent eager child who loves and trusts very easily is not realistically going to become a closed off loner spree killer. so you change her character and try to show that she was always angry and violent and closed off from affection and hope and kindness. she was never vulnerable and childlike. she was never obedient to adults or eager to please. she was never scared and wanting a hand to hold. she was always aloof, never cared about making people like her. she was always domineering, rude, vengeful, and mean-spirited.

you have to nerf joel's character too, because ellie can't be subject to a disciplined, stoic, consistent, trustworthy authority figure. because it makes no sense for her to be a feral little freak if she has a guardian who takes care of her, praises her efforts to please and obey him, is one hundred percent of the time a dependable and stable and competent adult. so you make him someone ellie would be weak and stupid to love, someone who is emotionally volatile, subject to intense mood swings of aggression, panic, grief, someone who is impulsive and shown from the first moment to be led by the people around him. you make joel into a needy, guts-spilling-out kind of person who parentifies this oddly girlboss child who knows better than him, fights better than him, and seems to not really need him. you make joel a crumbling mess who can’t really protect ellie because he's too busy crying or beating someone to death in a haze of the emotion that rules him. you make him into someone who isn't strong enough to be her safe place, who can't rescue her, who can't be a father to her.

the dynamic of tlou1 only works with a kind, gruff, adult who actually does know better than the eager, genuine kid who wiggles her way into the adult's heart. when it's a little girl softening the heart of a father who's forgotten how to love and hope but just needs a reminder. when it's a man who does right by this child because he knows what's in her best interest and has the strength of will to do it.

it doesn't work if it's a miserable, unwieldy adult who needs to learn some life skills from the prickly, aggressive kid who somehow gets the adult to use his emotional volatility to kill for her. when it's a match and a fuse just waiting to be lit. when it's some all-wise teenage punk and a weepy grownup with no ability to make the right decision because he's too in his own head. when the kid knows best and the adult screws it up so bad that the foolproof plan to save the world goes completely to hell.

now, tlou2 works with that dynamic — the whole narrative of the second game blames joel for his selfishness and weakness and nails ellie to the wall for her violence and coldness. joel fucked everything up because he was a blubbering, uncontrollable, panic-ridden idiot who wasn't strong enough to make the necessary sacrifice. ellie should have died on that operating table like she knew she needed to, because the world would be a better place, because the only thing she's capable of in life is revenge, hatred, betrayal, sarcasm, iciness, anger, sharpness of tongue and sharpness of blade. she is not hopeful or good or loving or trusting or open hearted. she deserved to die for everyone else, and now that she didn't, we all get to suffer and so does she. she's a shitty person who doesn't want to be better, even as a kid, and there's no changing her. too bad she missed her one chance to make a positive impact on the world because of some selfish moron who can barely function because of his emotional distress.

the problem is that the dynamic needed for the second game’s message to work is just not present in the first game. joel is a man's man, a good father, a strong person mentally and physically. ellie is a kindhearted child, one who strives to please joel and make him like her, a spunky and likeable little girl. but the creators of the first game hate that now, apparently, or look down on it as naive and unrealistic. even though they made it. and i think their solution is to retcon the first game's story with the show, and just straight up attempt to gaslight audiences into thinking that's all the first game ever was. all the things you liked about the first game? they suck and so do you. fuck you for liking them and wanting them reflected in the show. truly.

[stolaz-the-artist]

May we have more lab au Please and claytro and princess clay Please 😚😃😅💖💗💝💏🌹🍡🍠🎐🎎

Alright, i left you waiting for so long and i feel so bad cuz i really couldn't think of ANYTHING. Like i need to get into the zone and i somehow managed to get into EVERY zone except that one. So-

But i have some stuff.

So Clay kinda just uh lives in Macy's room now, cuz yeah, Merlok still nerfed his entire family technically. So-

Yeah so she's just hosting a homeless man, cuz she feels bad. To her defense he's as pathetic as a wet cat.

Oh and i dont really ship Claytro, but like i do think its a nice ship. And you've been so sweet so you're getting a double wamy.

‼️BONUS INCOMING! WARNING FOR A LOT OF TEXT‼️

Text:

(My boy is underweight)

Bad posture due to exhaustion

Moms sweater

Eyebags

Dads pants

Always kept his nails a bit extra long in case he'd get the window to escape (Gonna be a hard habit to break)

Macy snuck some food into her room for him to eat. Practically inhaled it (and not in a fashionable nor charming way)

Moms shoes.

After escaping the lab he broke into his childhood home, only to be greeted with emptiness.

About 24h of desperate waiting in hope they'll show up and 3 mental breakdowns later, Clay took some clothes he could find and went to find the princess (Macy). He now secretly lives in her room for now.

Macy: Dude i'm starting to think you don't even know how to sleep. Also you should use a bonnet . . .

Refused to sleep in case they would find him somehow

Fought a battle and a half to wash Clay's hair (Cuz god forbid ppl can take care of curly hair)

Helped him understand and properly take care of his hair

He wasn't fond of physical in the beginning.

Macy: C'mon, dude, i'll make it quick.

Ended up growing fond of it

ALRIGHT LETS GO I POSTED IN THE FIRST TIME OF FOREVER! LETS GOOO

[enkays-den]

YEAH it's been rough ever since cub decided exile wasn't enough punishment. there have been times I've had to pause watching and remind myself that at the heart of it all it's a bunch of theatre kid friends playing a really intense game of cops and robbers and that, if nothing else, the poe vs no poe stuff seems to be pretty good for boosting the numbers of hermits like jevin and cleo and joe who aren't in the spotlight as much.

(...also might be occasionally going back and watching the clip of skizz talking about that time he threw a burning pallet at a cop. for enrichment, lmao.)

I haven't really watched hermitcraft before this season so I don't know how their plotlines work but it seems to have been majorly ramping up lately, so maybe it'll be resolved soon? my personal hope for the endgame is that skizz and poe skizz duke it out somehow and poe skizz gets booted from his body exorcism style /hj I keep thinking about the phrasing of skizz saying that as regular, non-poe skizz, he's "allowed" to be happy to see cleo when they got home from exile...

anyway, tl;dr, I super feel you on the discomfort with the storyline at the moment, so fingers crossed things settle down soon! love your posts and hope you have a great day!

THIS IS ALL METAFICTION, NOT A STATEMENT ON THE HERMITS AS CONTENT CREATORS OR STORYTELLERS

yeah, i think that the anti-poe movement hasn't been unified at all, no fault to them, but the POE rn just seems like a very Brick Wall concept in terms of narrative, especially with cub at the helm. The oppressive, conformist government department is just wayyyyyy too easy of a villian to play, and the first step to confronting a force like that is you need the numbers and the motivation, and right now it's mainly been scattered mild defiance. I will have more concrete thoughts once we have a few episodes with skizz in exile and grian and scar in the mainland, as well as having two powerhouses like Joel and False exiled.

With Cub permanently in Exile, just killing him doesn't solve the problem, because he just comes back. He doesn't care if he blows up or the things he builds are destroyed, he's the perfect apathetic villian. Combined with the fact that he has lackeys to drop him supplies whenever he needs it, Cub is just this pit for the exiles to throw their time and resources into until they tire out or give up, and just slink away into the wilderness and not give in to the POE's demands.

I know Joe is trying to connect the two spawn points, and honestly i think he could ally with doc if he presents it as a way to get out of the conflict he's been "dragged into".

I think that contacting "Upper Management" might be the way to go here, because it's basically a way to nerf the POE somewhat. The idea is that the POE are somehow the authority and power here, but who gave them that right? The right to move spawn 30 million blocks away and start sending the hermits to permanent time out? (ignoring the meta for a moment). Another boss. The only thing that validates the POE's power is the POE itself, and once they lose that identity, it just exposes that it's all a bloodthirsty power play.

I love Skizz, but i think slowly 'losing' his friends is the perfect price to pay for mindlessly doing what is told of him. The mans isn't even involved in the discussion of exiling, he just sees the aftermath and says "those brutes need to be punished" without knowing what was even done. He didn't even get told that Ren and Cleo trapped the basement, he just assumes they're an enemy because he's told so. Skizz didn't show compassion or care for his fellow Hermits or give them the benefit of the doubt when told to go on a headhunt, why should he be given that luxury in return?

He's the most likely to go "hold on a sec" when FINALLY directly witnessing Cub's relentless campaign against those exiled, because skizz is a softie that likes his friends, but it will be hard to tell who's at the helm now that Poe skizz lost his sexy sexy accent.

but yeah ACAB. Legal does not inherently mean good; illegal does not mean immoral; laws are a manmade way to enforce compliance with the threat of violence as a consequence, and not inherent rules about how people should act. Catch me in a Joe Hills stream for the next while.

[randomthefox]

So multiple people know Sonic was the phantom rider and agree with his decision

Including Jewel, who's meant to be the SMARTEST of the comic OCs. She even says it makes perfect sense.

So Lanolin is just a whiny idiot. Everyone in this comic keeps saying Sonic is right for being the phantom rider. The comic keeps showing us that Sonic is right for being the phantom rider.

The comic keeps HEAVILY implying that Lanolin is a moronic control freak and all the others are just putting up with her tantrums. There's no other way to interpret the information we've been given here.

What crimes did Sonic even commit as the phantom rider? He tried to win with aggressive methods? The last time I checked, that's the most common occurrence of sports competitions in Sonic's world. More proof that Lanolin is just a crybaby who can't handle the same basic things as everyone else.

If we're talking about when the road shattered and a bunch of people almost fell to their deaths that was caused by LANOLIN! And Sonic TRIED TELLING HER TO EASE UP! Sonic immediately helped the people who were falling btw. Almost like he's not a criminal or something.

What could Lanolin possibly accuse Sonic of? At best Lanolin will just cry about things that NO ONE ELSE is bothered by. At worst she'll somehow blame Sonic for when SHE nearly got a bunch of people killed.

She can't even use the card of "the world is in turmoil because Sonic keeps sparing Eggman" since every problem during clean sweep has had nothing to do with Eggman lol.

Btw

All these counters to Lanolin's stupidity are constructed around the assumption that Sonic and his friends will be inexplicably nerfed so the writers can force the story in whatever direction they want.

A properly written Sonic would go "What? Shut up!" and punt Lanolin five miles away the instant she tried doing anything to him.

But even while ignoring what a correct portrayal of Sonic would and should do, there's still no way for Lanolin to win this.

What can she possibly do? Other than bitching and moaning about the most frivolous things?

Literally EVERYBODY who found out about Sonic being the Phantom Rider basically went "oh, guess he's trying to do some Cool Guy shit."

INCLUDING Clutch and Mimic, INCLUDING the Babylon Rogues, INCLUDING the gay birds, and INCLUDING Jewel.

It's actually kind of hilarious that Lanolin is the odd man out with this reaction

LITERALLY everyone else who found out said "well, it's Sonic, so he must be doing the right thing." But when Lanolin finds out, AFTER CLUTCH HAS JUST BEEN EXPOSED AS A TERRORIST AND A CRIME BOSS AND JUST HAD A PUBLIC MELTDOWN WHICH SHE WITNESSED, she says Sonic is a "dangerous criminal" who needs to "face justice."

Like. Bruh. She is CLINICALLY INSANE. There is no other way to interpret this character.

And I still reject the suggestion that these are intentional character flaws that we as the audience are supposed to view as negative attributes about her character, because NOBODY IS CALLING HER OUT. Tangle and Whisper are desperately justifying their actions and pleading with her to not hurt Sonic. When they SHOULD be telling her "what the fuck is WRONG with you, it's SONIC, why don't you SHUT UP you stupid bitch." The fact that NO CHARACTER IN THE COMIC is telling Lanolin to blow it out her ass, when they have ZERO reason to like or fear her, makes it pretty clear to me that the character being a massive turbo cunt is not the intention of the writing.

[the-copycat-hero]

In my mind, Monoma knows how to pickpocket, do sleight of hand, roll a coin across his knuckles, all that good stuff :D I also hc him to have voluntary nystagmus. No particular reason, I just 100% think Monoma would use that skill to freak people out

Also I hc him to be friends with Hatsume Mei. Each time he visits he brings a whole packet of papers, diagrams, analytics of quirks and how they relate to their costumes, and Mei def eats it up EVERY TIME. She also has him try quirks she needs for the equipment whenever possible. They’re smart kids :>

What do you like seeing most in monoma fics/fan work and what do you want to see more of? Any relationships (romance or gen) you like? Also I’m very curious about the Monoma family 👀 Clearly they don’t seem to keep in touch. What does Monoma say when he’s asked about them? Is it something he keeps under wraps or are most of his friends aware

!!!!!!! Big Brain Takes! Massive!

sleight of hand (and other assorted part trick) Monoma is near and dear to my heart, and i could definitely see him being able to do Some Sorta Nonsense with his body like voluntarily vibrate his eyes. i could see him being double jointed, too. (he is a Bendy Boy.)

ALSO the fact that Monoma and Hatsume never interacted in any meaningful way will haunt me until i die. they are so smart, and they are such freaks (/pos). their aura would have been so powerful. maybe too powerful? i guess Hori had to nerf them somehow.

as far as fanworks go, i am a massive fan of any fic that has Monoma showcasing his quirk. (for example, Learning Curve has a fantastic scene with a training exercise/mock battle that i frequently go back to because it is So Peak to me.)

as far as things i'd like to see more of, i'd kill for more introspective pieces of Monoma learning how to adjust after the war. (let me see him talk to Bakugo, who he watched die! let me see him talk to Aizawa, who tried to protect him!!!) i'm hoping some more of that will come with time as the anime draws closer to the end, but i suppose we shall see.

romance-wise, i'm big on Monoshin and have been since season 2. the fact that it used to be a rarepair floors me. (really played the long game on that one). that being said, i could honestly read about Monoma with almost any other student, his personality is just that much fun to me. apart from Monoshin, i've been seeing quite a bit of Timebomb and Monoma/Pony on my timeline, and i find both so incredibly charming.

platonically: Kendo. Shinsou. Tokage. Mei. Honenuki. Bakugo (especially after the war). ERI. Vlad and/or Aizawa. slap Monoma in an interaction with any of them and i am Locked In.

FINALLY, the Monoma family. (man, the Monoma family.) @smallvictorianchildwhofoundwifi and i have constructed pages upon pages of lore for these human disasters, but i'll try to keep it brief:

Monoma's dad (still need a name) - only ever agreed to have a child in the first place because his side of the family was pressing for it. resents Neito for reasons that i'll probably dig into later - but as long as Neito isn't actively making a mockery of the family name, his dad really can't be bothered to think about him.

Monoma's mom (Hiromi) [PRE WAR] - had Neito when she was young (around 21 years old) because, again, her husband's side of the family was insistent. she adored him at first sight; however, she has had to make a lot of changes to appease her husband's side of the family over the years, and it has turned her into a harsher, colder person overall. every once and a while, she'll be struck with fondness for her son, but it never lasts for long before she goes back to being made of ice. maybe also unconsciously resents Neito some for marking the end of her old life.

Hiromi (cont) [Post-War] - determined to reconnect with her son after almost losing him in the final battle. has made so many mistakes that it seems impossible, but Neito got his tenacity from someone, and it certainly wasn't his father.

Monoma's class knows next to nothing about his family. even Kendo, who has known Monoma for a long while, has precious little information to go off of.

some of the girls in Monoma's class stumble across a picture of Monoma's mother from one of her last modeling shoots, but when they ask him about her, Monoma just tells them that he has his mother to thank for his dashing good looks and leaves it at that. Ittaka - Monoma's old caretaker (and pseudo-older sister) - comes to visit him once, and his classmates briefly think that his real mother must have died until Kendo corrects them (because she may not know much about the Monomas, but she knows that they are all still kicking). but that's about all they've got.

tldr; trying to wrangle a straight answer out of Monoma regarding his family is impossible.

[lunar-inkclipse]

Ayyy, Lunarrr, I’m back at it again with murdle falls because @/writingweb1234 had a really good idea with Reader Amethyst being the entity that waltzed through the portal. So much so, I now have stuff to add ✨ 

Like your DBH AU, Irratino and Amethyst would make perfect opps. They’re similar enough since they both dabble with the morat, but still different in their approach and how they handle it. So I think in this AU, they should both be dream demons and have roughly the same abilities with messing with people’s dreams and entering mindscapes. This makes her such a huge antagonist because this is basically Irratino if he were evil, aka Bill Cipher. But instead of siccing henchmen on the people of Grvaity Falls, I can see her keeping control over everybody since she can manipulate their dreams and play into their biggest fears. 

Let's say all dream demons share the same characteristic of having one eye, then the prophecies that warn against the “being with one eye” causing a world-ending event still remain true, it just wasn’t directed at Irratino, but to Amethyst. Unlike Irratino, she would need the portal to cause devastation on Earth because she wouldn’t physically be there. But she still left her mark on Earth enough to spring about prophecies because she’s been summoned there every now and then, similar to Bill. 

We can connect her with Indigo by making him somehow stumble upon the chant and ritual needed to summon her to Gravity Falls. He wanted her to help him build this successful company in the middle of nowhere, while she planned to use him to build an interdimensional portal (again, like Bill) for the sake of destruction. Also, mini tidbit: if she tormented Indigo’s dreams, then I can see him having an idea of what was going on when Irratino was messing with him, which is why he knew it was a “dream demon.” That or he just happened to guess the actual name since it’s not that hard to string those two words together lol.

Anyway, before Amethyst was able to get anywhere with building the portal, maybe Irratino caught wind and was able to step in and break her connection to Earth, he’d have leverage over her being physically there after all. And that might be how Amethyst learned of Irratino if they hadn’t known each other before already. She then looks into Irratino’s history, and that’s when she discovers how he was responsible for the destruction of his home dimension and the series of crimes associated with him. Which will only encourage her to set her focus on Earth more.

Despite Irratino and Amethyst being pretty much the same in what they can do, by the time Weirdmageddon happens, their motivations would be very different. Amethyst would be seeking to destroy this dimension just for funsies, while Irratino is hell bent on trying to save it. She’s a chaos lover and at this point, she’s under the impression that Irratino is, too, as much as her because of the information she found on him. So maybe, once she appears on Earth, she begins her havoc, but also begins her search for Irratino, intending to ask him to join her in dimension destroying. To her, he was a perfect candidate since he had done it before (I doubt any records of that would mention how it was an accident, so to her, Irratino is just a ruthless guy).

Cue Irratino coming back in the nick of time from getting his (ex?) bf from getting nerfed, and Amethyst opens with a “look who finally showed up” line. She then mentions her offer of teaming up, but Irratino refuses. Amethyst wouldn’t dwell on the rejection long and accept the challenge of destroying the dimension solo, but uh-oh, Irratino trapped the weirdness in. And Amethyst can’t do anything about it because she can’t force her way into Irratino’s mind to find the information to undo it, because as a fellow dream demon, the only way in is with the permission of a handshake. 

After Logico gets turned to stone and the kids are used as leverage against him, Irratino would agree to let Amethyst in, but he destroys her (along with himself basically) by erasing his mind. Now, for that part, I’m leaning towards the route of going with the use of a memory gun. You may be asking, “But Jay, how would he even get one of those?” And my answer to that is that Irratino and co. stumbled upon one when they left Gravity Falls and started dimension-hopping again (or one of the henchmanics had it in their possession, also probably from past dimension-hopping). 

Either way, I think that once they found the gun, someone suggested that Irratino use it on himself, to get rid of the painful memories of Earth because he just keeps moping. If you want it extra angstier, you can make it Irratino’s idea. He may not have wanted to take the Mystery Squad's memories from them, but he has nothing to lose by forgetting it himself if he’s never going to see them again anyway. It’ll also keep him from making the “mistake” of returning if he doesn’t remember that there’s something he can return to. But before he’s able to use the machine, he gets that gut feeling to go home, stashing the memory gun, keeping it on him.

And yeah, that’s pretty much it lol. Unfortunately, I can’t pitch ideas without sprinkling in a little bit of angst, so here you go before I think about this too long and come up with more details-

Ayyy, always good to see you in the inbox!! And always happy to give Reader Amethyst some more lore and make her Irratino's number 1 opp fr

First off, Amethyst being a dream demon like Irratino has so much potential: They both manipulate dreams, but while Irratino's goals are to get his family back together, Amethyst mostly wants power and domination and control. She'll use her dream powers to influence and scare people, try and predict the future however she can, and use that power to intimidate and manipulate. And instead of her having henchmaniacs, maybe she influences the TekCo employees or smth? I can also see that maybe, instead of turning everyone into stone for a throne, she forces everyone she can into a state of eternally dreaming and sleepwalking, manipulating their dreams to make people do what she wants. (It's a vibe to me personally ok?) Amethyst having the one eye not only works great with the prophecies of "Beware the beast with just one eye", but also her image being the glasses with the three lenses- I can totally see her having that third lens on her actual eye and the other two are decoration. And she totally could have been summoned on occasion, never fully crossing the realm to being physically in the realm, but always dancing around in the mindscape. (If Irratino ever caught wind of someone summoning a dream demon, he couldn't care less- Look, he's got people to keep out of jail and grief to run from and worlds to hop between. He's not all that power hungry anyways.) Except Amethyst always exerted as much control as she could, using loopholes and twisting words to get her way, hence people prophesying to avoid her. Irratino just so happens to be another purple, one eyed dream demon, so the warnings do sound like they should be avoiding him. When it comes to Indigo, maybe we can weave in a little more of the Northwests' lore? You know how in the canon Gravity Falls, the Northwests A) became considered founders of the town even though they weren't and B) Had a curse placed upon them because they shunned the common folk? Indigo himself probably wouldn't bother with demonic summons or rituals. But maybe an ancestor of his would- A deal for success and power, gained through Amethyst being able to predict things about the future (Using her own means, of course, like how she works as MORIARTY in the canon), in exchange for favors later down the line. Cue her involvement with Indigo as collecting a debt. Though, Indigo's totally fine with doing whatever the weird demon lady wants because business is booming and cash is flowing! As long as she swears Olivia will be protected, too. Amethyst agrees, but hey, her quest for power is her number one goal and whoever gets caught in the crossfire, well, sucks to suck.

But this also gives Indigo enough familiarity to know not only what a Dream Demon is, but that this Irratino guy has weird vibes, but to expose them would expose his entire family, too. So he quietly seethes and tries to dismiss Irratino whenever possible. And this Logico guy that Olivia seems to like hanging out with is too close to Irratino, too, putting them all in danger. (Also, Logico keeps investigating his company and is bogus, lame, and whack)

As for how Irratino managed to learn about Amethyst also wanting a portal! I could see him finding that out after being in Indigo's head. Basically, Olivia complains about Indigo, Irratino starts bothering him in his dreams, and while he's there he realizes there's something weird going on and finds out about the portal and Amethyst that way. He's able to cut her off from Earth somehow, having the advantage of a physical form, plus the rest of the Squad to help with material gathering of things he may not be able to handle, like Unicorn hair or smth. But while he may have staved off Amethyst's reign for a little longer, now Amethyst knows of him and knows there is absolutely a way for dream demons to get to Earth physically. She just has to find it. Or, well, perhaps it will find her. And Irratino would make a really powerful ally and seems to be just fine with committing crimes. Maybe he was just territorial and that's why he cut her connection, she wonders. Whatever.

But she manages to find out about Irratino's portal, aka the portal he built for his friends and quickly shut down only to have it turned on again by a well meaning but disaster causing Mystery Squad, she's eager to take over and remake this world into her image and recruit Irratino to help her out. Hey, he destroyed his home dimension, that's badass! Coldblooded! And the exact type of power she needs to burn down and remake this sorry excuse for a dimension. But when she tries to nerf Logico because he just happens to be in the way, she has no clue why Irratino steps in. Why would Irratino take a blast so injurious for this one guy? Irratino's supposed to be her right hand man, after all. Oh well, it's barely a setback! So she saunters over and asks Irratino to destroy the world with her, to which he prompty replies with "You're insane!!" and Amethyst just replies with "Sure I am, what's your point? Besides, you destroyed your home dimension, didn't you? That's the type of power I need here!" and Irratino just blanches and says "I never meant to! I never wanted to! And I've spent every day wishing I could take it back!" But honestly, Amethyst has better things to do than waste her strength and time trying to convince a guy that doesn't want to join her to come to her side. Until she realizes said guy is the only one who could have possibly isolated her reign to this one backwater town, and she's furious. She can't invade his dreams because he only sleeps when he wants to, she can't invade his mind because they're both equally matched, he won't give her the solution to dissolving the bubble- Her only choice is to trick him or force him.

Hence Amethyst starts her personalized rampage against Irratino. She has all the time in the world to destroy the rest of this town, after all. Logico's the first one she manages to capture, threatening to turn him to stone if Irratino doesn't comply. Logico, of course, tells Irratino he better not give in, and when Irratino just remains frozen and Amethyst says "Well, my dear, say goodbye! You have, mmm, lets say a day before I get one of those kids and ask you again." and Logico just steels himself and just says "I believe in you, Tino." before he's frozen. Now Irratino has to figure out a way to stop Amethyst and return everything to normal before she picks off more of his family.

With the memory gun, I really love the idea of Irratino/the maniacs finding it through their travels and pocketing it just because, and him remembering someone (my money's on Umber or Seashell) suggesting he use it to forget Earth and everything and go back to his normal self. Get rid all his problems! Erase all that bad stuff in his mind! And then he finds it again when bunkering down. His blood turns to ice, as he murmurs "Erase everything in your head...?" Including an intruder, maybe? It's a long shot, but its his only shot. (Even if there is a zodiac, like in canon GF, chances are Logico would have to be a part of that and he's kind of frozen as stone right now. Leaving this as the only option, and there's no time to get a better one.) Irratino wouldn't dare sacrifice the kids, nor could he bear to put them in the position of having to shoot him. But, well, if he can invite Amethyst into his head and erase everything inside it, then maybe he can undo all of this. Maybe. He has to try and save them.

As for who shoots him, I honestly don't know? Maybe Night, as one of Irratino's closest friends? But either way, he storms up to Amethyst, says he'll let her into his head to learn how to undo the bubble keeping everything contained. And just moments after she shakes his hand, she's locked in Irratino's mind and suddenly feeling herself slip away. And hey, if Irratino does punch her like Stan does to Bill, I can absolutely see him going like "Huh, maybe Logico was onto something. That did feel kinda good." before everything starts to slip away for him too. He panics for a moment, of course- He's forgetting everything, everyone, it's all slipping through his fingers again like it always does- But the panic is quick to fade. What's he so worried about, again? Who was onto something about punching when you're mad? Huh. Odd. And then when he comes too, well, cue the Amnesiac Irratino arc.

This ask really got me thinking!!! I always love seeing what everyone's thoughts and ideas are for this AU and I'm always so happy to see y'all share your thoughts and analyses for my indulgent goofy crossovers hehe. Thank you so much for the ask!! ^_^

[thesmpisonfire]

okay im here with actual headcanons this time, no misclicks fortunately

soulfire

bad is the pillow of the group because even while freezing cold he's still somehow the warmest, so he is buffered by the whole team. he's always got an arm around someone (usually pac), wings covering as many people as he can and tail wrapped around anyone farther away. pac, tubbo and tina are usually the ones situated close to him

tina and bad are usually the ones make food or drinks that aren't alchoholic. tina obviously brews a bunch of tea during the day and theres not a lot of food but they make do with the crops and resources they have. now that the greens have merged, forever helps out now too as well as fit!

since they couldn't go home before the bounty hunting nerfs, everybody still managed to flock to each other. or at least anyone who wasnt being tracked. and when it was finally time for every to rest, they all curled up in a hole and made it as warm as possible for the new wolves joining them

they have a specific corner for sleeping in and, once everyone is awake or those who aren't can be moved, tina always makes sure that the bedding is fixed. now she has bagi to help her :]

pachalo

because i can never stop thinking about it: bad's collar was handmade by pac but was originally a bit of a joke gift considering the joke about bad being soulfire's guard dog. unbeknownst to the rest of the team, bad wears it constantly underneath his bandanna, expertly hidden. pac's the only one who knows and teases bad lightly for it

before purgatory there were very few people who got to see bad's hair, much less be able to touch it. but now the list of people allowed to touch it has pac added to it

bad likes to rest his head on pac's chest to hear his heartbeat, to make sure he's alive and to pick up on nightmares. he's very careful of where he puts his horns

fitpachalo

fit sometimes, mostly when they've exhausted their energy, bridal carries bad or pac back to base to get proper rest. this happens less with bad cus he's cautious of his energy. the first time it happened though it spooked him completely awake because he was so flustered, pac laughed at him (albiet very sleepily)

considering bad and pac are the more teasing by nature, they make it just a tiiiny bit of a game to see who can fluster fit more. pac is usually the winner 9 times out of 10

when bad gets growly, fit is the only other team member aside from maybe tubbo who's allowed to come near pac. the downside of this is that bad proceeds to get growly over fit as well. -screamingallium

YEAAAA

Under read more bc it got long :]

About the soulfire one where they can't go back home and have to huddle together somewhere, there's actually a secret nook in Soulfires old farm!! Bad made some ghost dirt blocks and hid a small room with emergency chests and a fireplace in case of need. They all huddle there when they can't be safe at home <3

ALSO YEAAAA SLEEP CORNER. At first the new members from green find it weird that they're that rich but all sleep together on a bunch of mattresses and pillows, but soon they notice its because they feel safer and comfier and warmer (even if it's just an illusion) when they sleep on a pile <3

Now to pachalo.

Omg the fucking leash thingnsnfnekgsocksfm yesyes. They know this thing will only last 2 weeks and they're gonna get freaky with it‼️‼️ pac doesn't mind bad being the mad dog but he loves to tease and wait for when bad gets too blood thirsty and he goes "don't make me leash you, bad"

It usually makes bad worse :]

Hgghhhhhh okay so in brazil we have a word called cafuné, cafuné is when you caress/play/scritches someone's hair with lots of care. Pac making cafuné on Bad and listening to him purr <3

Also aaaa bad making sure pac is alive and he will stay alive the entire night... The fear something will take Pac away from him on his sleep bc nothing is sacred in Purgatory

FITPACHALO FITPACHALO

Bad being a flustered mess when Fit just YOINKS him is such an imagery. He immediately tries to squirm away like a cat but eventually gives up

Pac is the KING of making Fit flustered, but Bad and Fit tag team to make Pac a flustered mess

Those are HIS humans (or partially humans) NOW!!! GET AWAY!!!