#we're saying nothing because I'm done counting - I don't want to count anymore.

[awesomebutunpractical]

I've done the math. I've done the math poorly. I have 80+ fan-characters in Gravity Falls alone, and Transformers is another 100+. To say nothing about Ducktales. Not all these guys are getting designs. Or names.

[crsssie]

why can't we for once say what we want (say what we feel)

word count: 13.1k

warnings: exes to lovers to strangers, angst

summary: it's unfair that he just gets to return like that. but isn't it human to keep loving despite it all?

"Zayne, can you—"

You blink when you look back and don't recognize the clothes, brows furrowing.

"This is what you've been up to?"

Caleb.

You stare up at the familiar face, and you blink another two times.

"Hold this." You hand him a drink and your jacket, tugging the new one off of the hanger.

You think Caleb's upset that you're not giving him a reaction. Well, to be fair, you don't really owe him one, but he might think you do. It's not technically your fault that he decided that his little sister childhood friend was worth more than whatever the hell was going on. It's also technically not your fault that you had walked in on her kissing his cheek before he had the chance to tell her that he had a girlfriend or your fault that you had just broken up with him on the spot because while Zayne felt like he had a shot, you decided that Caleb wasn't really worth it. It's never worth it to fight a woman who wants your man if he doesn't push her off.

You try the jacket on, looking at yourself in the mirror.

"Nothing?"

"How does it look?"

"Are you not going to—"

"Ugh, this is why I like shopping with Zayne." You grumble. "It's a yes or no question."

"Are you not going to ask me anything?"

"Not very fond of it." You raise a brow, putting the jacket back.

"Can't you just—"

You take your jacket back from him, raising a brow when he doesn't hold it up for you to put on.

He complies, letting you thread your arms through the sleeves and take the drink from his hand.

"Why Zayne?"

"Where is he?"

You think you deserve to feel bitter over the breakup. You think you deserve to be pissed at him that he's somehow back in your life on a random Wednesday afternoon when you're supposed to be out shopping with Zayne for clothes for his coworker's wedding, but you don't think it's worth all the anger anymore. You don't think you're all that mad at Caleb anymore if you don't even think he deserves it. He should've just stayed in the past, to be completely transparent. You don't think you want him back in your life again.

"Why are you looking for dresses?"

You crane your neck to look past the aisles to try and find Zayne, but Caleb steps in front of you to block your vision.

"Don't be an ass."

"She's with him."

"He has my purse."

You stare at Caleb, blinking.

"He'd give it to me first."

"Not with her."

You glance at Caleb, crossing your arms as your brows furrow at him.

"Alright. Spit it out. Get the shit you need to say out of your mouth and then go back to her like you always do. Come on. I'm listening."

"Do you hate me?"

"I said statements. Not questions."

"I miss you."

You scoff. "And I'm supposed to just take it?"

"I don't—"

"I think you realized that she wasn't good for you and the two of you decided to go back to the ones who were better to begin with. I think you don't miss me at all. You just miss when I took care of you and did whatever you wanted me to because I was sickeningly blind with love. I think you miss the person who was healthy for you now that you've realized how awful the two of you are in a relationship. I'm not your mom. I'm not grandmother either. I don't care about you."

"She didn't care for me either."

"It's a shame that the person who did doesn't now." You notice Zayne finally, and he locks eyes with you, nodding.

"Now, if you'll excuse me."

"Baby, please—"

"There you are." Zayne takes your wrist gently, shaking the girl off as he locks eyes with Caleb. "You done?"

"My mood's been spoiled." You huff. "Can we get dessert?"

"Of course."

You wander off with Zayne, footsteps light as you wait for the two to be out of hearing distance.

"He thinks we're dating."

"She does too." He hands you the purse, and you mumble.

"Told him I was shopping for your coworker's wedding instead of our. Do you think he has access to my files as a colonel?"

"No. You're not high-ranking enough to be in the database."

"Mmk." You point at the dessert shop, and you hope that this is a one-time occurrence.

It's not, because you find Caleb at the hospital talking to Zayne when you need to hand him a file, and when Zayne locks eyes with you, he shakes his head slightly to have you come at a later time. Maybe you're not quite sure what's going on with Caleb now that somehow he's back in your life, but you don't want him back. You really don't think it's worth it at all. Maybe Caleb hadn't been so willing to break up with you, but he still didn't bother fighting for the relationship or defend you when the love of his life had gotten hurt by some other girls and mistaken it for you.

She's not a sly vixen or evil regardless of what you say.

She just liked the attention he gave her. You like the attention you get from people. It's not a crime to like being spoiled by someone you're used to being spoiled by. Maybe there was a sudden waking up or a realization that she should find someone who would actually set boundaries with her and not let her get away with thing she shouldn't. You don't know. Zayne's kind, and your bond formed after finding out your exes ended up together, but he's still sober-minded when he dates. Well, a little more sober-minded.

You don't have it in your heart to hate her.

"Zayne." You call, tapping the file. You'll ignore Zayne's protection because you like the attention a man gives you when they grovel too. You'd be a hypocrite to hate her when you do the same thing sometimes.

"You heard them."

Caleb's heart drops to his stomach, blinking at you quietly as his mouth opens.

"Since when did you—"

"Read the file when you have the time. Kid. Pediatrics. Refuses to see anyone but you or me. I'll pay him a visit, but you'd have to do the surgery. Come with me?"

"Come on."

Zayne pauses to stare at Caleb, nodding at the man before going back to walk with you.

"Really?"

"He said he missed you last time I saw him. You didn't seem quite pleased with the conversation either."

"He was asking what we are."

"Coworkers. Friends." You knock on the door of the patient, peeking in with Zayne as the boy's face lights up.

You loved Caleb a long long time ago.

When you graduated from high school and he accepted your confession, you thought everything would be perfect forever. After all, he told you everything and confided in you about his troubles — mentioning how much he didn't like his grandmother but wished that his sister would take things easier. His sister. You'd find out later on that she really did like him in a non-platonic way when he graduated from the academy and she had kissed him before stealing his hat to wear, and maybe that's when things shattered or maybe that's when you really paused to consider just what kind of a person you were to Caleb.

Yes, the horror in his eyes when he had spotted you in the crowd was real, but you didn't feel the need to fight for him. The relationship had grown cold at that point. You were too sober to fight the girl he knew all his life. All he ever talked about was his cute little sister who was going to be seeing him at the academy again. You were still in your program at the time. Maybe it was just a foolish wish for you to mean anything to Caleb the way his little sister did. Yes, perhaps disappearing from the apartment and yelling at him wasn't the best way to go, but you doubt you would have been able to do anything else.

You'd expected him to try and fight back the advances, maybe. You don't know what you had expected at the time. You were painfully aware of how annoying it was that you were crying over a breakup you had initiated, but you honestly didn't really care. It reached a point where it no longer mattered to you. You thought perhaps you could tough it out and he'd change eventually, but nothing happened. It was the same as always. It was always the same.

But you did love Caleb. You took care to make sure that he never had cilantro in his food and cut up apples into shapes. You took meticulous care of his lunches so that he wouldn't have had to deal with the canteen food, and you mailed him any food that you thought he might've wanted to take a bite of and snacks that he missed. You texted him back constantly and made sure that he'd never have to struggle with anything ever. In the same way, he had taken care of you to make sure you never had to order anything that you were running low on or carry groceries back from the car. He took meticulous care of the things that he knew you hated, so you thought maybe he did love you.

Maybe he had just been used to taking care of all of that for his little sister.

You don't think your breakup was a well-thought-out thing on your end. It was a little bit of a rush, and yes, you had hurt Caleb in the process of it, but you don't think he really loved you either. You think he had been looking for her in you — telling you things about his little sister that you would eventually come to adopt into your own personality, clothes brought for you that she liked to wear. Maybe there was some truth that he did love you, but there was also truth that he really didn't love you nearly as much as he probably should have.

He didn't need to change himself because you loved everything about him.

You just needed to change yourself because he loved an ideal of you.

Caleb lingers around the hospital for the first few days — sneaking food to your desk in the office that you hand to the younger workers, leaving flowers that you hand to the little ones who don't have pollen allergies, waiting for you after work that forces you to beg Zayne to pick you up in the morning. You do everything in your power to refuse a reaction to him. He doesn't deserve the grace of a gentle look on your face that you give to people you love or people you take care of. You just hate a lot of it, you suppose.

You don't like being the one that your ex returns to once he realized that you're better for him.

Zayne drops you off and makes sure you're inside before he leaves, but you should know better than to try and stay away from the man with a gravity evol, because he's in the house with the spare key that you forgot to take back from him when you broke up.

"I can't believe you never changed your lock."

You blink twice, kicking off your shoes and making a beeline for the bathroom.

"You're not even going to flinch?"

You lock the door to the bathroom behind you, reaching to toss your clothes into the hamper and turn on the water, brows furrowing when the door clatters behind you and opens.

"Using your evol to break into my bathroom isn't very nice, you know?"

"You act like there's a piece of your skin that I haven't seen or explored."

"That was forever ago." You close the shower door behind you, turning the water on. "So? Why did you break in?"

"You wouldn't talk to me."

"I think the chip in your brain is fucking with your sense of right and wrong." You feel for the water, and Caleb's breath hitches.

"Yeah?"

"Mhm." You wash out the grime from the day, and Caleb settles on your toilet.

"I'm sorry."

"We broke up on okay terms. Shouldn't I be apologizing for breaking your heart?"

"No. Well, maybe. I wanted to apologize for trying to replace pipsqueak with you." He pauses. "I'm sorry for suggesting things that you had adopted into your personality so that I would like you more."

"Well? Did it work?"

"Not really. I didn't like how similar the two of you were. I called her by your name once."

"I'm surprised you never called me by hers." You speak up.

"I'm sorry for breaking in, by the way. You weren't reading the cards I was sending so I got desperate. I figured you'd just escape me if you saw me on the street, and I didn't want to use my evol on you."

You think he's fiddling with his fingers with how he's positioned, but you can't really tell from the frosted glass.

"I just wanted to talk to you, and I figured that this wouldn't be an argument where we could talk through it after you get some air, so I just. I broke in. Sorry."

"Apology for that accepted." You hum. "We can debrief about the break up after I finish showering. Can you leave?"

"I'd prefer to stay."

"What good is it to stay while I shower?"

"I want to be close to you."

"Did you tell her that?" You scrunch your nose, laughing at yourself. "Don't answer that. I'm being childish. I want you out unless you can somehow grab me dinner."

"You should stop working yourself to death."

"It's a little more chill when it's pediatrics."

"You don't like the dinner menu."

"I don't eat at the cafeteria anymore?"

"Zayne says you sneak food from there sometimes. I see you still don't eat unless reminded to."

"Caleb. If you're just going to be an ass then maybe you shouldn't be here." You shut the water, stepping out of the glass as he hands you the towel. "Thank you."

"Can we start the debrief here?"

"Alright. I'm sorry for breaking up with you immediately after spotting your… sister… kissing you on the cheek and blowing it way out of proportion. I'm sorry. I still stand by my decision, and I still feel like the breakup was necessary, but I'm apologizing anyway because we probably should have talked about it like proper adults. Not that we were proper adults at the time."

"Apology accepted. Well, you still need to accept mine."

"We'll talk about accepting yours after we—"

You turn around to meet Caleb chest to face, your blow dryer in hand as he blinks at you.

"Can I dry your hair?"

"I can't hear anything if you blow dry it. I was going to air dry it."

"That's not good for you."

"Neither is stalking down your ex and breaking into their home, but here we are."

Caleb purses his lips, sighing.

"I'll cook for dinner."

"Is there anything else to really debrief?"

"Do you not think there's anything to talk about? How have you been all these years?"

"Working?" You tilt your head, closing your eyes as Caleb squeezes your hair.

"How'd you even meet Zayne?"

"Work." You purse your lips. "Well, I met him through you, technically. We just ended up at the same hospital."

"I'm sorry."

"We're just friends. Not that it matters." You swat at his hand, and he raises a brow.

"Couch."

You think Caleb misses the normalcy he had with you prior to getting with… her. The normalcy that you had offered for a short second was more than enough for temporary rest, and maybe the thrill of a childish relationship with someone he knew better than anyone else. Maybe it was—

"It was codependency." Caleb flexes his fingers slowly, staring at nothing in particular. "I think she was dependent on me and I liked having someone depend on me. You can get things done with or without me."

"So you decided to go back to her?" You fish out a bottle from the fridge for him, and he takes it with a nod of his head.

"No. I just. You broke up with me, and— not that it's your fault, of course — but I just found myself back in her arms crying. It was a nice false sense of security." He pops open the bottle, pausing at the smell.

"When'd you make this?"

"Couple weeks ago. I had a feeling you'd break in." You hop on the counter, opening a bottle of water. "And? Why'd you find yourself back here?"

He stares at you without saying anything.

"She wanted Zayne back."

"Don't blame her."

"He was better."

"So I'm stuck picking up the pieces of my ex because his ex wanted her ex back?" You scoff. "I'm not taking you back."

"You don't need to. I just."

"I don't have any assurance that you'll keep me even after she leaves." You blink.

"You left."

"But you decided to find her anyway." You chew on your bottom lip. "You get that, right?"

"Yes."

"Also. Gemini."

"Sorry for being a June baby."

Despite it all, you don't actually love Caleb all that much. Sure, it's easy to just let yourself be taken care of by someone else, but it's also something that feels much more normal. Maybe you feel normal. Caleb slots into your life fine, and you work just fine with or without him. It's not really something that makes your life easier or whatnot.

When Zayne picks you up in the morning and finds Caleb at the frame of your door, he hesitates to speak.

"Is he."

"I don't really care. He's kind of like a puppy? Which makes me the problem, but, really." You pause to glance at the people passing. "How have you been? I heard she's trying to get back with you."

"I'm fine. Just make sure he doesn't interfere with work."

"And her?"

"Therapy helped." The edge of his lip quirks up slightly, and you laugh.

"Glad group counseling worked."

You lied to Caleb, truthfully. You applied to Zayne's office because you met him in an anonymous group counseling situation that you had decided was necessary to make sure that you would be alright at the end of the day. When you found out that Caleb had left you for the girl that had left Zayne for Caleb, you forced a bond between the two of you. No one expects it to happen, you suppose.

Zayne is wonderful, and you doubt you'll ever find someone who is more perfect. It's understandable that she wants him back.

"If you marry her, I'm not going to your wedding."

"Don't worry. I wouldn't put myself through that."

There's something else, though. You use Zayne. When it's less feelings attached, you get used to using the people around you, and Caleb had been right to twist the knife right where it hurt back when you had argued with him so long ago. You use the people around you because you trust them with things. But Caleb had been annoyed that you used people. It was a problem that you think therapy really helped with. But the truth is, it's still a problem.

You thank Zayne and file through the papers on your desk when you arrive, quiet staring as you blink quietly.

You should call your therapist sometime.

The truth is you don't remember enough to know. You refuse to get it checked out because you remember enough to get by, but you don't remember anything that's mental health-related that could get you checked again. It's an automatic filtering process that you don't know why you have, but it exists in the back of your mind as you go about your day. It's fine. You'll forget about it again.

You have lunch that you prepared beforehand, chewing on the rice as you stare at the work on your laptop. You've spaced out a little, maybe. You don't know. You're not scatterbrained — you don't think. You're not stupid either considering everything, but you don't know. You remember enough about the patients and of work to be able to survive. That's enough, you suppose. You offer a sticker to the boy that blinks up at you, and he giggles.

Maybe you're just overthinking it.

When Zayne offers to take you home for the night, you accept without second thought. You think there isn't much to consider, but when Caleb shows at the door of the hospital when the sun peeks out, you wonder just what kind of a rabbit hole you ended up throwing yourself down. You wonder if you should turn down Caleb to establish some kind of a boundary first, but there's also this gnawing reality in your chest that you like it when Caleb grovels a little. Well, grovel isn't quite the right word. You like the attention he gives you.

Maybe you're the problem for soaking up the attention, but he's the one at fault for causing the breakup in your relationship to begin with.

Well, the better thing to say would be that he's at fault for going back to his ex in the first place.

Or dating his… sister.

You pat Zayne twice on the shoulder before making your way to Caleb, and Zayne nods.

"Text me when you're home."

"If I don't, stalk my location." You wave.

So, yes. Your fault for maybe leading him on, but also his fault for even coming back to you to begin with.

"I expected you to reject me."

"I'm off shift tomorrow. Dinner's on you."

"I bought the beer you like."

You tilt your head. "What if I stopped liking it?"

"Saw it on your grocery list at home."

"Fuck off." You huff.

"Tried. Didn't like it." He opens the door for you, and you kick off your shoes to the sight of a snack on the center console, and you narrow your eyes accusingly at him when he presses a slice of fruit into his mouth first.

"You don't need to use your evol. I'm not crazy enough to drug you."

"Not anymore, maybe." You rest the fruit on your finger, pinching it between your fingers as the fruit glows.

"You don't trust me."

"Don't flatter yourself. The only person I trust is Zayne, and that's because he knows better than to drug someone he works with." You press the fruit to your lips when you don't detect anything.

"Glad your evol is still handy."

"Thanks. The other nurses hate me for it." You hum. "Chemical composition is boring but handy."

"It's why everyone with your evol sticks to medicine."

"Except Zayne, I guess." You offer him a piece.

"Oh, I think you might want me."

"Oh, if that's how you're going to take it then my answer is no." You snag the fruit before Caleb can bite down, and you puff out your cheek.

"And if I throw in a drink?"

"I don't know, Caleb. What kind of a drink?"

One drink turns to two, and two turns to too many to count. You think at some point you give Caleb the true debrief that you didn't really want to tell him. The struggle with finding out who you were again — the struggle of not being enough or perfect or some kind of a perfect child of a godsend. You think you tell him about group counseling that you attended for over a year with Zayne — how you were finally healed from him just for him to return to your life and haunt every corner you weaved through. How he had just decided to show up in your life again after you were finally alright.

But there's this kind of sadness in his eyes that you don't understand why is there. He's the one making you miserable, so what right does he have to look like he's just been kicked by you? You're not the one who caused the breakup. He was just suffering the consequences of his own actions. Maybe you're just. Maybe you've lost the empathy you once had for him. You don't know. It's unfair that his eyes reflect so much mourning when no one has died. What right does he have to mourn what could have been?

You were never quite enough for him, you think. You were never quite on par with him, and you'd struggled so much more with things that he didn't understand the same way as you did. He was perfect in whatever way he could offer, and you had been confused when he initially even agreed to going out with you. But you don't know what it was. He was toxic, yes, but you think you weren't perfect either. You don't know anymore. You don't even remember too much from your relationship anymore. Too much has been wiped from your mind as a natural response. Block out the past — don't remember the things you don't want to. You doubt you'll find any diary entries on him either.

You doubt you'll remember getting drunk and him hauling you home after everything.

When you wake up, there's a splitting headache and a heaviness in your chest that you know won't go away for a while.

Caleb has breakfast for you, except seeing him makes you bitter, so you skip his breakfast on the table and decide to just head out of the door to catch Zayne. Sometimes he makes you bitter too, so you decide to stay quiet for the ride, staring out of the window at the passing city instead. You think you shouldn't feel this way, but it's the morning, and Zayne doesn't like talking all that much, so it doesn't matter. It shouldn't matter that you're holed up in some kind of a self-loathing spiral again, but here you are.

You just make sure it doesn't affect the children you work with.

"Have you… called your therapist recently?"

You roll your eyes at Zayne.

"I will now."

It doesn't affect work. It never really does. You do plenty fine keeping to yourself and letting things stay bottled up and chucked into a chest never to be touched again and left for your brain to eventually forcibly repress, but you also know it's not good for you which is why you never really touch upon anything or ask for anyone to help you when you actually need it because, well, you suppose it's just a struggle you'd have to grapple with alone… and with your therapist who you barely call back because you insist that you're completely fine when you aren't. That's also a struggle. The never-ending cycle of thought. You need to learn to breathe right or something. You don't know. You doubt you ever will.

When you spot Caleb there to pick you up, you brush past him to follow after Zayne, asking to be dropped off somewhere else instead.

You don't know what possesses you to be dropped off at your therapist's office when you finish work, but you go anyway because you think you're fine. You don't know. You really don't want to find out either. It's a shame, though, because you're at the door of your therapist's office asking if she's available even though it's well past her hours, but she lets you in anyway because you think she knows that you'd rather kill yourself than visit her even though her sessions don't do you much. You haven't been writing down your crashouts lately because they just haven't been worth writing down.

You tell her about your ex that broke into your apartment, though, and she asks you if she should be calling the police for you. You tell her it's fine and that you know what you're doing, but you really do hate his ass sometimes. You really do hate that he's so perfect and you're stuck grappling with the remnants of a failed relationship while he decided that he should just go back to your life and force you to grapple with the relationship all on your own because he made his problem yours while your problem is still yours. You don't think all of that comes out as nicely as you wished it did, though, so you sit there and let her process all the words that you've just spat out.

You think Zayne texts you because your watch vibrates, but you don't check because checking social media isn't good for you.

Well, not that checking the messages aren't good for you. You just shouldn't be opening moments.

When you finish the session, you tell her that you might go and get drunk, even though you really have no intention to do that. You have work in the morning, and it sucks that you have to go to work. You're not very special, you realize. Plain as flour, dry as dust — like watching grass grow and it's so awful that you wonder how you even have friends. Maybe you're just cursed to give more than you— well, no. You just went to therapy, so there's no way that's possible. You're loved and maybe you just need to sleep it off.

Except you don't really want to see Caleb because that means you'll have to deal with mister perfect number two, and you don't want to crash Zayne's because he'd never let you — but also because he's mister perfect number one.

You wonder if you should crash on your therapist's couch, but that's just unheard of.

So, you call a friend and ask if you can couch surf for a bit.

He lets you into the guest room and you call off work for a couple of days — sick, you tell her with the most convincing cough that even has you grimacing, but it flies, so you don't really care. Heartbreaking, you know. Horrible thing you fear is contagious. Five days off. You don't need the pay. That's how desperate you are.

You turn your phone off and tell Zayne where you are in case he really does have an emergency, and you pray that Caleb doesn't somehow lose his shit and decide to send the city into lockdown so he can somehow find you. You doubt he's that psycho, although you will admit that you're not entirely uncertain of how insane he is since it's been a while since you've talked to him. You don't know.

You're unsurprised when you find Zayne at the door with files, but you think you should be even more unsurprised when Caleb's behind him with food for you.

"I thought turning off my phone meant—"

"Yes, which is why I'm only here to drop food off. I doubt you've been eating well." He hands you the handle of a cart full of foods that you used to love and honestly haven't had in a while, and you frown.

"I'm sorry." He mumbles. "I got worried, and I figured you would probably kill me if I tried anything sketchy. Also, before you ask, no, the food is not drugged, no, it's not toxic, yes, it is vitamin heavy."

"The boy misses you." Zayne nods at you when you let him in, and Caleb gawks at the door.

"Baby—"

You shut to door in his face, staring at the food in the cart.

"So?"

"You want a bite?"

"Well it has been a while since I've had his cooking."

Despite it all, you find that Zayne is much better for you. You think it's upsetting that you've never fallen in love with him when he's so wonderful, but you suppose the universe has other plans for you. It's just slightly upsetting, you think. You know so many things would be better for you if your heart would just cooperate, but you suppose it's for the best that you don't end up dating someone you met at group therapy.

"And then new files came in for someone."

"How does that concern me?"

"Do you know why Caleb's back?"

"No."

You read through the file — dying, it says. The implanted chip is eating away at his sanity, and soon they'll have to put him down like he's some kind of dog, so he's back looking to tie up loose ends before they're dead, and all of a sudden you feel bad for being so rude. You don't know. You doubt Caleb has a single bone in his body that knows what it feels like to be taken care of. It might be why he's decided all of a sudden to return to your life.

You understand it now.

You think he deserves some empathy after so long. Some kind of gentleness that you had offered him a long time ago. You don't think you'll choose to let him pass with the heartbreak that you had to grapple with for so long. You have the option to continue living — and you can heal yourself slowly through therapy and learn to coexist with the nausea that you've learned to exist with for so long. Peace and love on the planet earth. You're a horrible person, not a monster.

You ask Zayne if he knows it's the truth, and you ask to run tests just to double and then triple check.

When the results come in much later, you decide that maybe it's just not worth the struggle, and you return to work.

Not without a final debrief, though.

"I received these from Zayne the other day." You hand Caleb the files, and he stares at the scans of his brain.

"Yes. The… black hole is proving to be useless."

"I see." You hum. "You only kept memories of her, though, so I was surprised to find that you would come back to me."

"No. Not just of her. Of you too."

You look at Caleb, tired eyes mirroring his, heart quiet in his chest.

"I see." You bite on your tongue, blinking slowly as you exhale. "It says you have two months."

"Before they scan me again to see if I'm going to be put down like some kind of a dog."

"And if you fail? I saw that you failed your psychological exams."

"Yes."

"Has therapy helped?"

"I don't have time for it."

You blink slowly, and you consider everything that you know about the two of you.

"Have you pulled out of the fleet?"

"Mandatory. I was put on mandatory break."

"So you decide to come back into my life."

"I didn't have anywhere else to go."

"Then be honest with me, Caleb. Did you ever date her?"

"No. We used each other as a ruse to try and elicit a reaction out of you both. It failed."

"How about her?"

"She can be fixed since she's stabilized." He mumbles. "I didn't let the fleet catch her."

"I see." You blink slowly at nothing in particular, staring at Caleb as he stares back.

"So?"

"I think my therapist would shake her head at what I'm about to do, but I think I know what I'm doing."

Zayne's your boss, which means that asking him to get paid time off for a month with all of the vacation days you have saved up over the years isn't a struggle, but convincing him that it's so Caleb can spend the last month and a half of his life making up for what he couldn't do in the past is a lot harder. Well, it's really your fault. You tell Zayne you might consider getting pregnant so you could really grind the hospital dry of money since maternity leave could last up to a year while getting half pay. The look of disdain on Zayne's face is enough to have you laughing with warm cheeks, though.

"I don't know if I trust your decision."

"Well, maybe you do, maybe you don't. Will you approve it or not?"

Zayne lets you go after you help him sort out shifts with the other nurses, and you return home to half of Caleb's things in your apartment. He'll finish moving the rest in the morning, and maybe you're being stupid, but you think you don't blame a single part of him for being who he is. You aren't responsible for him, but you think even if he's somehow fixed after these final two months to live, it doesn't matter. There is kindness in the world that you wonder whether or not will show back to you, but it's fine. All things are alright, you suppose.

"I'm starting to think that you were waiting for an excuse to skip work, baby."

"Can we not call me baby?" You help him unpack, staring at the scrapbooks he had never thrown away, fingers sliding over the image that a classmate had taken of the two of you after you confessed and burst into tears.

"Then what should I call you?"

You blink quietly, flipping through the pages.

"Not sure."

"Love?"

You gag.

"Sugar."

"What am I? A cake recipe?"

"Then what?"

"Whatever sticks."

You don't know what sticks. You don't know, and you fear you never really will, but you learn to live a slow life with Caleb, scrolling through possible visits in the short time you have, but you think you'd really like to take him once to the beach. He can't exactly feel with the mechanical arm, but it's weather resistant, so it should be fine to let him run on the beach for a bit. You pack up the things with him and head off in his car.

"Your car doesn't exactly match the beach."

"Yeah, it's getting old." He hums. "We should take yours next."

"Are you allowed outside of Linkon?" You zoom out on the map, humming as you lean on his shoulder.

You think it's fine to play pretend. To pretend that everything is fine when you know better. It's alright. One day, Caleb will not know you anymore, or he'll be in the ground next to Josephine, and everything will turn back to normal. You will bear the burden of two souls willingly, fond smile on your face as you look back on your youth when you're all old and wrinkly. You don't quite care all that much, despite it all. You think the burden of a soul you once loved doesn't hurt at all.

"I am." Caleb hums. "Did you want to go somewhere?"

"Was thinking about visiting there." You point on the map to the mountains where most technology remained untouched, and Caleb laughs.

"Did you want to go stargazing? Isn't that best seen up in the sky?"

"Maybe, but there's much beauty from below as well." You tilt your head.

There were a variety of reasons that led to your breakup, now that you think about it.

Caleb soars in the sky, wings breached out of his back, controls familiar in his hand when he navigates in the air. There's a sense of freedom that he encapsulates without even trying, and sometimes it's suffocating for you. Maybe that's it. You're much better on the ground where at least you won't mess things up, but you're also not nearly as elegant as you'd like to be. You do things inelegantly, quiet rumbles of the earth under your feet when you step around, staring up at Caleb who stares back down at you, stuck wondering how things are just so easy for him.

But it doesn't matter to you, you don't think.

"So?"

"Mm… I think our colonel should rest, and we should spend your final days driving around instead."

"Shouldn't we take yours instead?"

"Then get my car." You reach to unbuckle, and Caleb holds his hand out for yours.

"Do you wanna drive mine?"

"You trust me with your car?"

"Well if it'll be sold when I'm put down, how does it matter?"

You realize this now late, but still realize, that there's something just impossibly strange about the two of you. You sit on the sand of the beach, staring up at Caleb as he stares at the setting sun, breeze in his hair as he stares out at the sun, basking in something you don't understand anymore. You don't know. Maybe you never really will. It's alright not to, you think. It doesn't hurt anyone when you don't know what's going on. When the birds of the sky soar over the creature's head, does the creature not wonder what it is like?

But you're no poet and neither are you a saint. You think you're fine with just being someone there.

The breeze rattles through your hair, and you stare at Caleb step into the water. It's too late to surf, but you think it'll be alright to surf a little tomorrow. Only if he wants to, though. You suppose it'll take a little getting used to as his emotions fluctuate in his mind. It's a temporary setback in the long run. Well, a huge setback if he somehow does pass away from it. Though, it gives you the perfect excuse to let loose and breathe a little after so long of staring at nothing in particular. You're tired of chasing something that doesn't quite exist yet, you think.

You'd be much happier where Caleb is, but you're also no saint, so no promises from anyone.

Caleb offers you a hand to get up, and you take it.

"Thank you."

"Will you mourn me?"

"I think a lot of us will." You hum quietly.

"How about you?"

"I'll burn you a chrysanthemum every other week when I remember to."

"How about a letter?"

"If that's what you want."

The red in the sky fades to black, and you stare back up at the constellations of the sky. It's something new, you suppose. Something more recent according to the elders of the city. Something about an explosion that happened a while back. A world that you don't really understand of experience, you suppose.

You lie back in the car as you stare, and Caleb stares at you.

"Will you tell me why you're really here?"

"Will you be mad?"

"I don't think I can be mad at someone who's about to die."

"If I don't get put down, they'll wipe all of my memories for good. Including the ones of you."

"So either way, you'll be dead to me."

"You'll be dead to me too."

"Equal exchange, I suppose." You sit back up, blinking slowly at Caleb as he sits up as well.

"So did we book a hotel… or?"

"You mind sharing a room?"

"As long as you don't accidentally kick me off the bed."

Caleb jabs at you as you laugh, cheeks warm.

The premature mourning of the death of your ex creeps in slowly. You know it will, and you're certain that it'll punch you when you least expect it. So, ultimately, it's a choice that you'll be stuck with. You wonder why Caleb is choosing to do this if he;l forget it all in the morning anyway. Yet, maybe there is meaning in why he wanted to spend his final moments of being truly human with you. When he is erased and no longer who he once was, maybe he'll wonder why there's an empty feeling in his chest during the few moments that he won't be someone used by the fleet. It's a shame that he isn't high ranked enough. Maybe he'll remember one day when he is.

You wake up in the morning in Caleb's arms, thumb brushing his cheek as you let your heart flutter just for a second at the intimacy.

He exhales quietly when you rest your fingers under his nose to check for air.

"Checking my pulse?" He whispers.

"Checking to see if you're alive."

He shifts next to you, purples blinking slowly down at you as he rests his forehead on yours.

"Missed this."

"I'll miss this one day." You mumble back.

He stays holding you for the morning, quiet blinking of his lashes against your skin as you keep your eyes closed, listening to the way his heart beats. It feels alive — still. It's enough that the chip in his mind is eating him whole, but it's also enough that he remembers enough for the time being to want to return to you. It doesn't matter if he's just manipulating you in order to cause a problem or to shatter your heart one day. If you're stupid because you had chosen to love someone again and believe in the best in him, then so be it. Your only sin would have been to have hope.

When you finally do wake (you didn't realize you fell asleep), it's to the smell of breakfast and Caleb's cooking. He shakes you awake gently and lets you smell the food so you won't get mad at him, and you blink slowly when he coos about how you need to eat to start the day. You ask if you can brush your teeth first, and he lets you wash up for the day.

You think the temporary domestic bliss is unfair.

Unfair that he's going to pass eventually, and unfair that he gets to act like nothing will ever happen when you'll be stuck wondering if you ever did enough for the final moments that he was a human. Shame, though. Shame it had to be him and not you. It would have been much better if he had somehow made it so that he could do it without hurting you. You don't want to think about all the therapy you'll have to attend.

"It's to do one final thing before I lose all of myself."

"I suppose it has to do with the fact that she's returning to Zayne as well?"

"He's not as easy to convince as you are." Caleb hums.

"I know. I'm much easier than he is." You laugh. "But the truth is, it doesn't matter as much to me if you pass. I'll live without you sooner or later. Whatever."

"Doesn't seem very much like a whatever right now." Caleb hums, resting his chin on your shoulder as he stares in the mirror. "I love you."

"I doubt you do, really." You pinch his cheeks together with your free hand, and he makes duck lips at the mirror.

"Oh, I know I do."

"Sure, sure."

The world moves slowly yet quickly when you are with someone you love.

When the beach is wrapped up, Caleb takes you for a fly in his plane. You sit in the copilot, seat, blinking slowly at the buttons that Caleb used to talk about back when you had dated the first time, and you wonder a lot whether or not it was truly something that made you truly happy. You think you were happy. You are not pure good nor pure evil. You are simply a product of circumstance — someone gentle-hearted who wants to believe that maybe this will make a difference to Caleb one day. You do not know. Maybe you're doing it because you're selfish. Who knows. You like to think that it doesn't matter anyway.

You rest your head on his shoulder gently, staring quietly at the setting sun and breathe. Quiet breathing that has your chest rising and falling with the breeze, quiet blinking that makes it so that you refuse to look at the way Caleb looks at you. You know what look it is. It is the look that you give him because the heart-crushing truth was that you had never gotten over him. It proved to be hard, so you decided that you would simply forget that you ever loved him, but the heart betrays the mind, and you are once again stutter-hearted in the eye of him.

Maybe it is human nature to feel the way that you do about someone you loved with your whole heart.

"I loved you." You mumble into the wind for no one in particular to hear.

"I loved you too."

"I do not know why you chose to spend your final moments with me instead of her. You had chosen her so many times before."

"Because I will not remember you in the future one day. But also because I think the only instance of true love was with you. I did not know love until you."

"Mm." You close your eyes again, body sinking and shoulders relaxing. "Caleb."

"Yes?"

"I hope they don't wipe your mind."

"I'll hold onto my feelings until they have to."

"You can't choose to die instead of be separated from me."

"I will." He whispers, and you tell yourself not to believe him, but you can't.

Your heart understands his just as much as his body knows yours. He is only ever truthful when it came to you. With her, he lied and cheated and spoke all sorts of lies out of his mouth because he thought it'd be best for her. But with you, reality and truth came simple. You will never stop comparing yourself to her when it comes to him, you fear, but you're also impossibly aware of the fact that there would never be someone quite like Caleb for you ever again. You've spent your token of affection on him, and there are none more to spare.

And if you are honest with yourself, you regret none of it.

"You're softhearted. Painfully human." Caleb whispers back into the wind like it is a secret of his own — that one day, the small blades of grass will grow tall and whisper it back to you when you come to visit on your own.

"Are we not both human?"

"No, we are." He closes his eyes. "But you are more than I am."

"Because I don't have a chip." You laugh.

The warmth on your cheek isn't unwelcome.

You go down the list with Caleb, booking a flight out of the city that you insist Caleb not pilot for since he is on break. The world spins round and round, and you fight Caleb for the last bite of food, chopsticks clashing with his as the two of you earn looks from strangers. He had been mature for the sake of her, but perhaps it did not matter to keep up appearances around you. The strange devotion he had for her looked different when it came to you.

But you think you've made peace that you'll never quite be her — though, you still wonder just a little what it would be like if you were her somehow.

You're sure Caleb did drop the act around her eventually. It'd be hard to pretend to be sane when you were… well, Caleb.

The hand wrapped around your ankle yanks as you kick him away with the last piece, food falling between your tits as you blink at Caleb.

"If you don't want it, I'll take it."

"You WHORE!" You shriek, trying to fight him off with no real urge for him to get off, and his hands slide under your shirt with ease to grab the piece, pressing it to his lips as his free hand lingers on the skin of your torso. "Was it worth?"

He licks his lips, staring down at you with a lazy smile. "You wanna find out?"

You think you were childish in your youth — not a sin or something wrong, but still. You enjoyed every moment that came to you even at the expense of yourself sometimes, but it ultimately didn't matter all that much. You got to experience the quick fling of romance and the childish glee of university and all sorts of classes that you could take. There was a lot to be thankful for even in the midst of your brain developing.

The chill of Caleb's skin is not unknown, your back arching as a cold hand slides under your waist, plush of skin and pudge slotting between his fingers naturally as you try to focus on breathing, nails digging into his biceps as his necklace dangles tauntingly between the two of you. You try and stare at it when you can, but Caleb pinches your cheeks between the fingers of his hand and forces you to look into his eyes instead — no matter how out of focus you may seem.

It burns the unbearingly truth that he loves you. passionately so. Maybe the haunting truth about how maybe he always did and just went back to her because that's what you thought he'd do. You don't know if you should be touched that he did it because you thought he would or hurt that he would hurt you or whatever. Maybe it was your fault for just handing him a knife and letting him stab you like that.

You wonder if it's a kind of regret when he returns to bandage you up from the stab he had caused in the first place.

But your chest rises and falls when you're finished anyway, vision blurred as Caleb moves around the hotel to find a towel to wipe you down with. It's always been easy with him, you find. He takes care of others like it's second nature — part of him just as much as anything else is.

"Come on." He pulls you gently, wrapping your arms around his neck as he carries you over to the bathroom to pee.

"I'm sorry."

You're not quiet sure for what.

There's this disconnect, maybe. That the bird that flies so free in the sky is the very bird that never lands on the ground. And maybe you are cursed to overthink everything that you know about him. Maybe you are cursed to just ponder and sit in your mind despite eating healthy and having all of your bodily functions taken care of. No one cares for yourself more than Caleb does, and maybe it's some cruel twist of fate to have to tear him away from you. As if it's a cruel reminder that somehow, someway, anyone who tries to ground themselves with you is destined to just return to the clouds.

Maybe that's why you liked it so much more when hanging out with Zayne.

Caleb presses his cheek to yours when you do rouse, slow blinking of his lashes fluttering over the color as you stare down into the purple. The endless color of abyss in his eyes as you blink slowly back at him. It's like two cats — though you'd argue that Caleb resembled a puppy much more than a cat. It was always a lot yet somehow not enough. Your greed really didn't know any bound when it came to quiet shaking of your hand as you brush your thumb over his cheek, his lashes fluttering awake.

"I knew you were awake." You whisper quietly, body sore as you shift your waist, and he runs his hand up and down your side.

"I know." He mumbles. "You always know."

"It comes with knowing you."

"Not loving?"

"No. Not anymore."

But the truth is something you refuse to admit to yourself. The selfish part of you wants to make it that you'd never have to admit it out loud and only ever show Caleb. Your fingers smooth over his skin in public when he brings you things he knew you loved. Despite it all, Caleb still loved you enough to remember everything that you loved before you had slowly carved yourself into the look of his first love. Cruel of him to bring it up, but cruel of you to even do so to begin with. You should not have hurt your body in such a way. You were purely too childish to be able to do that at all.

Caleb did love you, despite it all.

Maybe he still does.

When you lie in bed with him with his screen pulled up, you check through everything that he had ever wanted to do.

"I always wanted to get married." He whispers slowly.

"You don't get that luxury in the fleet." You hum. "It's dangerous for your wife."

"Wouldn't you be willing to bite the bullet for me?"

"I don't know, Caleb. I don't really think I'm in love with you."

"Which is what you say." He pinches at the skin on your lower waist, and you squeal.

"Caleb!"

"Then how about a tattoo? Married in heart?"

"You're going to leave me a widow?!" You gasp. "Without even your life savings?"

"I don't have life insurance." He hums quietly, thumb finding the center of your ribcage as he slides it down your skin. "I won't be able to leave you anything."

"Then leave me the necklace I bought you. Take not that with you into the grave."

"Do you not want—"

"At least let me be the one to bury you with the necklace." You close your eyes. "Your sergeants will find it and take it from us."

"Let me ink you into the skin of my bones, then."

"Wow, awfully poetic of you, Colonel."

He pinches the plush of your waist, and you squeak.

"And let me imprint the band of silver onto the finger of my heart."

"Okay, you're reading too many romance novels. Get a grip." You huff. "You imprinted on my DAUGHTER?!"

"It wasn't my choice!"

"SHE'S A BABY!"

You burst into a fit of laughter with Caleb in bed, cheeks warm and chest struggling to breathe at the comfort of his arms with the sheets.

You think it's fine. You'll be fine.

You'll survive as you always have.

You don't ink your own skin but sit with Caleb as he has his ring finger tattooed, feeding him as he squeezes your hand for comfort. You're sure he's felt pain worse than this, but you entertain him as he shows you the rings he had bought initially after considering getting engaged to you. He distracts himself by explaining everything about the rings — where they were made, how he came up with the design… everything.

"It would've been yours with or without the rings." He whispers.

"Not hers?"

"Never."

The tattoo artist finishes up with Caleb, and you drive him back while he pretends to huff and puff because he secretly enjoys being taken care of by you. You let him stay the way he is because you loved him once. It's not a sin to treat someone the same way you once did. If anything, you think it heals a part of you to pick up the pieces that you had broken yourself after he had handed you a knife. Was it your fault? Was it his? Why does it matter anymore? He'll be gone soon— no, only happy thoughts.

"Can I put it on for you?"

"I don't know, Caleb. Shouldn't you be getting down on one knee and proposing?"

He thinks about it, laughing.

"Alright. If that's what you want."

But you set little reminders of who he is for yourself. Matching charm dangling off of your phone, reactions that start mimicking his more and more — you think you embody everyone you have ever loved, and you fear you had loved Caleb the most. It is fine, you suppose. There is nothing wrong with loving someone. He's back in your arms, and you think that's more than enough. The simplicity of the moment will be fine.

You'll take photos on an old camera with a card that has more than enough space for every single moment you'll spend with Caleb. Then, you'll forget it ever existed, tucked into the back of your closet for years to come. Maybe one day you'll tell your kids about it — or maybe you'll never find true love again and won't ever marry. Maybe the camera will rot in your upstairs and someone will sell it at the thrift for a good price and someone else will find photos of a man no one recognizes.

click.

That will be fine, you think.

Caleb is smiling in all of them, and it is more than enough.

"I love you." He whispers, ink in his skin as you press your hands to his cheeks, humming an affirmative back quietly.

"I know."

"Say it back?"

"I don't think I can."

"Why not?"

"You know why."

You notice the signs slowly at first.

Caleb's a little more irritable, choosing to let off steam on his own in the morning before you rouse, smile a little less gentle and eyes a little less soft. Maybe it's just downright cruel to assume that you could take any of the hurt, but it's alright. He isn't hurting you, but it does concern you when you apply bandages to his fingertips from working out too hard or whatever. But it's small. It's fine.

"I'll make breakfast today." You hum.

"Baby, you really don't—"

"Your fingertips are bruised, and I'm sure your muscles hurt." You hum, tying the apron around your back. "I can cook for a day. After all, I lived alone for so long."

"I love you so much."

"Yeah, yeah."

You cook, smell of breakfast in the air as you take care to leave the cilantro out of his dish, and it earns you an affectionate kiss on the corner of your lips when you serve it to him.

"I love you."

"I know."

There's something that you think Caleb understands fundamentally about you that you don't quite understand about yourself. Like he's waiting for you to be completely honest with yourself when you aren't, and you think it's something where the lines of your past and present blur. You had chosen to refuse to listen to Caleb when he tried explaining about his little sister, and the more you consider it, the more you realize that maybe you didn't know what he had done after breaking up with you. You didn't even bother fetching half of your things when you were supposed to.

Maybe you had been stubborn — not that it made Caleb any less flawed.

You're fond of Caleb — like him, even. He's impossible not to, and the more time you spend with him the more you remember why you hadn't wanted to give up Caleb to begin with and spent so many nights crying over the breakup you initiated. You didn't date for a while after it — you went to therapy, you know, like a psychopath who wanted to be mentally stable. A good decision that brought you Zayne as both a coworker and friend, but also like who does that. What the fuck.

How self aware do you have to be to check yourself into therapy after a breakup you initiated?

"Caleb." You whisper, lashes fluttering as you listen to his heartbeat.

He looks away from his book and at you, humming as a question of what you needed.

"If you die…" You pause as you draw circles on his chest.

"Yes?"

"I call your apartment."

"You already have a key to it."

"No, no. I mean, I want to sell it."

"You and your money-hungry drive."

You hum quietly, vibrations of your skin on his as he puts his book down to pull at the bedside lamp.

"I love you."

"Mm… mhm." You close your eyes, body succumbing to exhaustion before you can think of a reply.

You like Caleb. a lot. It's not just a concerning amount that has your heart fluttering and your cheeks warm, but it's also a perfectly natural feeling where the warmth in your chest from being taken care of by him just feels so wonderful. Even when you're making sure you wake up before him so he'll take the meds you've gotten for his migraine every now and then, and you enjoy taking care of him in the morning so he can take care of you in the afternoon. Well, it's nice anyway. You need to return to a work schedule so you aren't dying when you really do get back to work. Zayne was generous with the month.

You're given a schedule of half days instead of full since Caleb still technically has a month left to live.

"I wish I could've spent more time with you all day." Caleb mumbles, clinging onto you as his breath fans your naked back.

"It practically flew by, huh?" You blink at the calendar on your window, and Caleb sighs.

"I wonder what I have to give Zayne to convince him to let you go another month…"

"Nothing, apparently. I only get half days until you're gone." You sigh. "My poor salary…"

"Mm." He huffs into your skin as you try and pull out of his arms. "You're warm."

"I'm cold." You whisper. "Your arm is cold."

"I know." He pinches at the skin of your waist as you yelp, hand flying to his hair to push him off of you.

"Caleb!"

"Just a little longer." He mumbles.

"You need your meds."

"It doesn't hurt right now."

"Not right now, but maybe in a bit." You hum. "Don't take them because they hurt. It's to prevent your head from hurting again."

"Mm…" He closes his eyes, loosening his arms around you as you slip out to get his meds ready.

The truth is that you're scared. You had gone so long without Caleb and then he comes back to fix everything in your life, and it drives you up a wall a little. It's unfair that he's just going to disappear after it all, and it's unfair that you're stuck nursing him for as long as you can for the two months. You worry if he'll collapse when you return to work — well, he's not so weak as to collapse immediately, but it still worries you. Maybe you should get one of those pet cameras— well, he's not a dog exactly.

Such a shame.

Maybe he's rubbing off on you.

A part of you just wants to keep Caleb in your apartment forever as some kind of a househusband, but the other part of you doesn't. The impending end of one's life ticks quietly over your head like a grandfather clock, and it makes you blink quietly sometimes. Though, it's human. If you let Caleb return, he might have a chance of actual survival even if it's without you. He can live without the memory of you. You'll just simply remember him while he won't you.

When you return from work, the house is empty for once.

You think you spot Caleb pinching the bridge of his nose in the kitchen, and you make sure not to make too loud of a noise as to not startle him, but you pause at the doorway to let your bag fall to the ground as you observe. You think Caleb is pale.

Which is strange, you know, considering that you think Caleb seldom has a look of dizziness on his face except you've never really see him feverish or weak since he's started taking the meds, so that means you don't really know if he needs—

"CALEB—" You catch Caleb as he falls onto his knees, brows furrowed as he breathes through his mouth, eyes watering as his gaze loses focus.

"I'm sorry."

"Caleb, stay with me."

"I'm sorry for lying." He whispers, head falling onto your shoulder as he gasps, heaving with a shaking chest. "I wasn't given two months off."

"What do you mean—"

"I had Zayne lie for me." He chokes out. "I ran away. The chip is eating away everything I know about you and they plan on killing you in my mind. I couldn't— I couldn't forget about you after being so in love with you. Fuck, I'm sorry."

"Caleb."

"I love you too much to let go of you. I was planning on just leaving one day and leaving a letter explaining it all, but, shit, I ended up collapsing here. I'm sorry. I love you so much. I don't want to live in a world where you don't exist to me."

"I'd rather live in a world where you're alive and don't know me than a world where you're dead." You croak, eyes shaking as Caleb slides a hand up your neck to wipe at your forming tears.

"I can't live without you."

"You won't be living without me if you don't know who I am."

"No, please." He whimpers. "I can't live without you."

"There will be no me in that life, and that's fine."

"I can't."

"You have to." You mumble. "I'll pack your things. I want you to live."

"What living is it if I don't know who you are?"

"A life where we had never met. It's fine. You'll be alive. That's all that matters—"

"I can't live in a world without you!"

"I can't live in a world where you're dead either." You furrow your brows as he sobs into your shoulder, and you decide that even if the world ends and Caleb resents you for the rest of your lives, he must live. Even if you live with the guilt of choosing to have him live in a world without ever knowing or loving you, he has to live. You're only human, after all.

"Just." Caleb whispers, ring in hand, staring at the metal band covering his tattoo as you glance at the circle. "Marry me? I'll forget, but it's just—"

"I do." You whisper, pressing your forehead to his as you let him slip the ring on your finger. "In this life, the next, and any other world out there. My soul will remain bound to yours and yours alone."

Caleb brushes noses with you first, then brushes lips with yours as you let your heart clench around nothing and slip a few droplets of salt that Caleb accepts with closed eyes.

"In this life and every other. I will find you again."

You pack everything, handing Caleb ibuprofen as you book tickets for the way up, and the two of you stay tucked in the corner of the ship, Caleb's head on your shoulder as he closes his eyes and you stare out at the passing clouds. The world is going to end, and it is going to be your fault. But it's alright. You'd rather know he's alive than not know what happened to him with only a letter on your bedside to read again and again. But your heart aches, and your soul cries over the crushing ending.

"I don't want you to go." You whisper like it's a secret you weren't supposed to break.

"I don't either." His voice comes out strained, almost as though he knew that you'd come to regret it, but it's only human to want your loved one to live even if they do not remember you.

You go with Caleb up to Skyhaven, sending him back to the very people that were going to kill him whether it be literally or figuratively, and maybe you wish there would have been a better ending to the tragedy of your relationship. He doesn't choose to have his sister send him off, he chooses you. It's a little cruel, maybe, but it's fine. It doesn't matter all that much anymore.

Caleb slips the necklace off of his neck and pauses to stare at it for a moment too long, someone yelling at him in the distance as he winces. You're sure the chip in his head is already starting to skitter through his brain even more, and soon the meds won't have any effect on the pain, and you squeeze his forearm through the fabric of his uniform as he stares down at you with heartbroken eyes.

"You're not going to let me be buried with the necklace?"

"They're going to take it."

"You'll never get to see my body."

"No, they'll tell family."

"We aren't married."

"Then maybe that's for the best." You whisper. "Your sister will keep it a secret from me. I just know it."

"Should I tell them to contact you— no. They would use you as leverage against me." He cuts himself off, and he lets the necklace fall into your hand as you close your eyes.

You squeeze the metal between your fingers. It's warm.

"I love you."

Your voice fails you as you watch him leave, adjusting the hat on his head before his expression neutralizes, and he returns with the rest of the colonels.

You stay in his apartment for the last time that night, strangely dark and empty now that Caleb was not in it, and you finish the last of the food — portioned off by Caleb before he left so that you would have enough for two meals. A late night meal because you'd get hungry when it hit midnight, and a breakfast that you would feel too guilty to skip since he had portioned it off for you. There's a beer with a sticky note to tell you to throw it away, but the hole in your chest tempts you to drink it. Maybe a final message from Caleb over just how much he actually knew you.

Fuck.

You spend the night sobbing into the sheets that smell more of you than him, breathing rough as you try to remember what it felt like to have his arms around you, and suddenly you know you're going to regret it and the first handful of months and maybe years are going to be hell. You don't know if you'll survive the grief, but hell, you might die from it, choking as you eventually fall asleep from the exhaustion of crying.

When you rouse, you bring your suitcase and clean out the last bit of his apartment, leaving the key where he always leaves the spare (tucked behind his doorplate), and you stare at the door to his apartment for a moment too long for comfort, turning away from the numbers as you try to steady your breathing. It's stupid. It's so stupid. You think it's stupid to have to be the one to carry the burden of a doomed relationship all over again, and it's almost as if Caleb had planned for you to be the one to tank the hit in the end even if it was because he wanted to spend his final moments of being human with you.

You think it's stupid.

Stupid, stupid, man.

So you turn back, running back up out of the ship that takes you back down to the earth, clouds under your feet foreign to your body, but you do it anyway because you think the lack of acknowledgment of your true feelings will most likely choke you to death before you could ever die to a disease in the hospital. It doesn't matter if you never see him again or end up dead because you decided that yes, you will bite the bullet for Caleb because the choking feeling in your chest is just too much of a burden for you to carry alone, and he deserves some kind of acknowledgment for something that you think he knew but would have liked to hear.

"What are you doing here?"

You blink quietly at Caleb, tilting your head slowly as he stares at you.

He's changed. Well, it'd have been stupid if he never did, but he's changed in a way that you don't really think you understand all that much anymore. It's been less than a day and he's already someone you no longer recognize. It breaks your heart, but you find that maybe you don't need to understand. You just wanted a semblance of understanding and perhaps one final look into the familiar purple eyes that you'll love for the rest of your life. You note the outline of a band still on his finger, and you swallow slowly as you meet his eye.

"Leave." He says the words to you, but the tinge of pain left in his eye reminds you that no matter how foreign he is, he is still Caleb.

So you find a crumb of confidence, hand flying out for his when he starts to turn, jingle of his necklace in your hands as you throw your arms around his neck to return the metal to him.

"Caleb." You whisper, arms squeezing around his neck as you shake.

He stays still other than the hand held up to tell security to leave you alone, hands refusing to move up to hug you back, and you think maybe you are cruel, but you love him far too much to care. You're sure that he won't remember anyway, so it's not like it'll matter in the end. Who knows. Maybe they'll even get rid of the ink on his finger. But it's fine because you were honest. You were truthful with yourself and with him, and that in itself is not a sin.

You let go once the necklace is around his neck, and you loop two fingers under the chain to let your ring touch the apple as you give it a final kiss.

Caleb looks down at you, and you fight the shaking in your body to be honest with him for once.

"I love you."

And you're back to work. You don't receive news from him after he leaves, and you doubt he'd remember anything about you if he did somehow survive having his memories wiped. You have photos, but you doubt he'll remember even with them. Your life is just broken pieces and shattered glass, but it doesn't hurt you anymore. You've learned to live with it and eventually move on. The grief no longer slows you.

You check on patients and go to work, eating lunch with Zayne and Caleb's sister, and maybe it did hurt at once. Maybe there was this unknown air of resentment that his sister had when you had returned him to the fleet so that he would continue to live even if it meant he would have never known you. You just wanted him to live even if it was without you.

It's fine even when you keep a pot of chrysanthemums at the window of your apartment that you keep alive to reminds you of all the love you once had.

And maybe one day you'll pass him while the fleet lands in the hospital to check in, or maybe one day you'll find the necklace you had given him in a second-hand antique shop on display, but it doesn't matter anymore.

After all, you aren't where he is.

[another-goblin]

I've seen a lot of interesting opinions about Dr. Ratio. Some of them I disagree with. So I decided to compile a little list of why I disagree with them. The first part will be about things that seem factually incorrect, and the second part is about things that are rather a matter of interpretation and context.

As always, I might be wrong, so feel free to correct me.

1. Things that seem factually incorrect. 

"Ratio is an egoist and does everything for attention and recognition" - I don't remember him ever saying or doing anything that would indicate that. He saved these researchers secretly and made our TB take all the credit. He later even calls himself a "supporting character". He gets angry if we ask him for an autograph.

"He doesn't care about people" - yes, if you skipped his passionate speech to Screwllum about how much he cares about people. But also, everything he does in the game is helping people (saving these researchers on Herta station, offering us his help later in the express dialogues and messages - offering us to enroll in university, participate in devates, turn the express into a weapon, later helping Aventurine with his plan, helping him to find information, and so on).

"He hasn't achieved anything in science" - the list of his scientific achievements is easily available, I wouldn't say it's nothing. But I'll also leave this here:

Even his dedicated hater disagrees with this.

"Ratio's note did nothing to convince Aventurine to stay alive, it was all Acheron" - from how I see it, he was fully determined to end his life up until he read that note. Otherwise, why would they introduce the note at all? Why did Acheron feel the need to remind him of it?

"He never wanted to draw the gaze of Nous" and "He still wants it" - we can deduce that it isn't true from different parts of the game (he actually wanted it in the past but doesn't anymore), but that is a direct confirmation:

(I trust Screwllum's opinion.)

"Everybody hates him in-universe" - this is interesting because I even heard this from his fans. And it might sort of feel intuitive, but I don't remember any evidence of that. He literally has an in-universe fan club. People who knew him closely talk about him warmly in his character stories. The only person I remember ever expressing any negativity towards him was some shcolar in the Simulatred Universe, but I don't think it counts. I'll talk more about his students in particular later, but short version: I don't think they hate him either.

"I hate it when he tells me 'Zero points, get out' and throws chalk at me, that's mean" - that's so weirdly specific, but I've seen it a dozen times already. And, like, why??? He tells it to his enemies, not to us. I mean, nobody's angry at Serval for electrocuting her fans with her guitar just because that's what she does in her fighting animation.

Speaking of combat voice lines, if we wait too long, most characters get irritated and try to hurry us up. Meanwhile Ratio:

'That's okay, take your time, it's a turn-based game after all.'

"He's physically abusive to his students, he throws chalk at them" - similar to the previous point. I don't remember any mention of him doing that. The only case of him using physical force against a (potential) student was when, as a TA, he threw away a rich asshole who tried to buy a degree. And yes, in the boring real world, I wouldn't approve of that, but in the world of the game - well done, good ridance!

"He doesn't tolerate people disagreeing with him, he thinks he's always right"

"He's responsible for the crisis at Herta Station" - how though? I saw this opinion several times, and I'm really curious what people mean by that. Did he himself endanger these researchers by teleporting them who knows where, then faked the video from Duke Inferno, and so on? But why stop here while we're at it , maybe he also impersonated Ruan Mei, left the bug on the station, abandoned the poor cat-creatrures and drugged us with a cake?…

"He's worse than Dottore from Genshin" - technically it's a matter of opinion, but I think nobody will mind if I put it in the 'just wrong' category. But yeah, that's an opinion I've heard. I've got no idea what they meant, but it made me think, how many people did he help and save, both in the game and in his past? Probably more than most of the characters we've met so far. And he doesn't seem to discriminate, it's not 'I'll save my people'. He cured that disease for everybody's benefit, he saved Herta's researchers, he helped TB unravel the events on the station and then proceeded to pester them offering his help, he cosideres some troubled IPC executive 'his responsibility' and so on.

"He actually betrayed Aventurine" - no comments. Come on, play the game, read the dialogues.

1.5. A little intermission.

The thing that's hard to deny is that he definitely doesn't mince his words. Whether you see it as him being a rude asshole, being justifiably angry, brutally honest, sarcastic, or snarky, or showing tough love, or just being incapable of expressing himself in an adequate and socially acceptable way, it's up to you. I can understand how some people might be uncomfortable with that. I personally find it an interesting character trait. (I mean, he isn't even capable of expressing positive feelings in a normal way, what did you expect of him?):

There is also a very interesting (but rather confusing) thing that can be missed if you are unwilling to see further than the initial shallow impression, but it is impossible to unsee once you've noticed it. He sees himself as a teacher in two very different ways. It can be missed at first because both ways are described in very similar words. These ways are: 

a teacher in a traditional sense (let's call it 'academic teacher'); 

and as something akin to a 'life coach', just helping people and making them realize that they shloud (and can) rely on themselves.

The thing is, we never see him in his 'academic teacher' role. As far as we know, he only acts this way with his university students. We never see him teaching anybody any scientific stuff, or berating people for their lack of knowledge and education. Yet he says that he considers everybody his students. But what does he mean if it's not about knowledge? He means it in the second 'life coach' meaning. Therefore, he sees literally everybody as worthy of his help and support.

BTW, I feel like his main problem as a character is that people tend to settle on the first impression they get of him and are unwilling to see further than that. Meanwhile, the game continues to explore his personality, revealing that most things about him are actually the opposite of what they might seem at first. That's why so many people think that he calls everybody idiots for being less smart than him, that he's egoistic and unfeeling, that he values knowledge above all, and so on. So if you actually have interest in him as a character, I'd encourage you to look at him more closely.

2. Now to the things that are more open to interpretation.

"He uses mean words" -to be honest, I'm not a big fan of writers making him use these words (idiots, fools, stupidity, and so on) because, first, they are usually used as just empty insults. (I'm curious whether he uses similar words in Chinese or something more nuanced). So I can understand how it can put some people off. And the second problem is that it feels like he means different things every time he uses these words. It's quite confusing. Here is a post where people helped me find different cases of him using these words; you can check it out yourself.

Let's look closer at some of these cases: 

-'While geniuses wander among the stars, the ordinary can't even trace their footsteps. Those less gifted have no choice but to walk alone, enduring a lifetime of tumbles and triumphs. But even a life marked by failure is a life worth living — it is only in moments of solitude and despair, when help is absent, that fools grasp how to pick themselves up' He seems to contrast geniuses with fools here, so fools are everybody who's not a genius. So if you are inclined to see him this way, if you squint, you can technically see it as him insulting people based on their intellectual abilities, right?… Except, he includes himself among these fools, so no:

So it's basically 'all who are not geniuses are fools, including me'. Which is an interesting way to put it, but it definitely doesn't mean ''you are all fools for not being as smart as me''.

But he mostly uses these words when he talks about his fellow scholars:

-'First, with the headpiece on, isolated from my five senses, I can think without interference. And second, I don't have to set eyes on stupid people' - we only see him wearing the plaster head on Herta's Station, a place full of the most brilliant minds in the universe. We never see him using it again with normal people, so the word 'stupid' here can't be about people's intelligence.

There is also an interesting little detail:

He admires her intelligence (although in a sarcastic manner) in his 'about Herta' voiceline. He doesn't wear his 'anti-stupid' mask when he's with TB or Aventurine, but he always wears it with Herta. Which is very telling, and indicates again what he means by 'stupid'.

Some other examples:

-'(…)the fools from the Guild with ambitions beyond stars should be banished from my sight and thereby mind' -'Don't invert priorities like these dolts from the guild' -'I cannot stand fools, idiots, or imbeciles. Seeing them fills me with dread. Regrettably, this space station is just like the Intelligentsia Guild — devoid of geniuses and filled with mediocrity' -'Ah, the Technology Department. Charming little place, isn't it? Madam Yabuli does possess some semblance of competence, but her subordinates? Oh, they're a riot — brimming with enthusiasm yet utterly devoid of intellect. It's as if evolution halted prematurely for them'

He is absolutely RUTHLESS when he talks about scientists, because he expects a lot from them.

So no, I don't think he'd call you an idiot for not being an A student, or having learning difficulties, or just lacking an interest in learning. He absolutely would though if you were a brilliant scientist, priveledged with great education, resources, and a personal lab, squandering your talents and funds on a useless vanity project, or hoarding potentially life-saving knowledge for yourself, to use as a commodity.

"But he does call people idiots!" - I've noticed that most of the time he uses these 'insults' he talks about some groups of people.

I could only think of 3 times when he called an individual an idiot. He calls Aventurine an idiot because he 'lost' the stones (but it doesn't count because he plays a role and pretends that he hates Aven). A scholar in an event in SU complains of Ratio calling him an idiot (I'm not sure it actually happened, it's just a story in SU).

But there is one case of him calling somebody an idiot and actually meaning it. And who is this poor victim of his terrible verbal abuse? It's himself. Whoops. (speaking of how he's supposedly full of himself and thinks that he's better than the others.)

"He would call me an idiot because of my supposed lack of knowledge/education/intelligence" - I showed in the previous point why I think he wouldn't (he never seems to use these words to mean that).

But also consider this. During his interactions with Aventurine on Penacony Ratio mostly plays a role for Sunday, pretending that he despises Aventurine. That's why we can't draw any conclusions about his personality from most of their dialogues. But the moments when he breaks the role are extremely telling.

Let's look at one of them from the beginning. They argue; Ratio calls Aventurine an idiot for 'ruining their plan'. And then Aventurine mentions that he didn't go to school and lacks formal education. If there ever was a good time to call someone an idiot for being uneducated, that's it! That's what Sunday expects to hear (because his plan hinges on Ratio valuing knowledge above all else).

And what does he do? He fucking apologizes! Even for the role and for the sake of their plan, he can't bring himself to insult someone for being uneducated.

"He's mean to TB" - it's a matter of interpretation, but his behavior with us didn't strike me as mean or demeaning. He was just being sarcastic and snarky as always (and I understand that it's not everybody's cup of tea).

The situation was time-sensitive and precarious. We don't know how much control he had over it. He tried to make us realize what's going on as fast as possible, pretending that he himself is clueless. Because his goal was to show the recearchers that despite the presence of 2-3 geniuses on board, none of them were able to save them. If he just publicly saved everybody, it would be just another genius appearing out of nowhere and saving the day, which would go against his goals and his philosophy.

And later, our TB seems to regard him with a mix of respect and amusement (calling him Professor, asking for an autograph), no resentment here. So TB didn't think he was mean either.

"He values knowledge above all, he's obsessed with teaching people stuff, and he doesn't understand/accept that other people might have other priorities" - I'd argue that literally the opposite is true. He doesn't impose his knowledge on anybody against their will, and we never see him berate anybody for their lack of knowledge or education.

Sunday isn't the first person to misunderstand him that badly, and he's not having it. Even though at this point in the story, his and Aventurine's plan hinges on Sunday's misunderstanding. But I think his position is very clear: pursuit of knowledge above all is a matter of petty pride.

He says it when we ask him why he doesn't nag us about getting our act together, before a party. So basically "if learning makes you feel bad (doesn't enhance your living) then you are doing it wrong, go and have fun".

This probably isn't considered canon, but it illustrates how he sees knowledge. Here is an analogy. If I had an apple orchard, and I thought my apples were awesome and they'd make a great gift, and you should feel free to ask me if you want some. It doesn't mean that I shove my apples into people's mouths against their will and then call them idiots and spit on them when they don't like it.

"He's a bad person because he didn't help us fight the big bug" - he knew who we are. It's not in his habit to directly involve himself where he's not needed, it would go against his philosophy ('you should count on yourself; you can do it'). It's not like he left us to die; he must have known how capable our TB is. BTW, he was still looking after us, seemingly ready to come to our help:

Besides, currently nothing indicates that (outside of the turn-based gameplay) he's anything more than a normal human being. He would be a hindrance in a fight. 

"He's a bad teacher" - (first, here is an interesting post about this from the point of view of an actual teacher)

So yeah, it's about the 3% passing rate. Yes, it can mean that only 3% of his students end up learning something. It's possible that he's such a bumbling idiot of a teacher that he doesn't even understand how bad he is. It's possible that he's somehow still allowed to teach despite being THAT bad.

But I think it's much more possible (and consistent with his philosophy) that he just has very high standards. A 3% rate doesn't mean that only 3% know anything. Students might benefit enormously from his classes, even without passing. They still have all their valuable skills and knowledge.

But also, let's not forget that he doesn't teach children. He teaches at the university. And I don't think it's some 101 basics; it's likely something related to his research and discoveries, some extremely advanced cutting-edge stuff. So his students are already extremely well educated adults, who want to achieve more. He would probably see lowering his standards as a betrayal of his students.

"His students hate him" - I didn't get that impression. On the contrary, they seem quite interested in him (some times in really creepy ways):

The only indication that they might have something against him is this:

It's either a literal roll-call of actual adults who shed literal tears during his classes, or it's just students being their normal cheeky selves, being overdramatic about a strict teacher. 

An example that came to mind: I can whine about how ruthless my gym trainer is and how I couldn't walk for a week after the last leg day. And his other clients would agree. But everybody understands that it's an expression of approval, not contempt. And maybe a bit of a humble brag.

Besides, if we decide to take that post at face value, then we'll have to take this literally too, meaning that his students consider him an actual God. And I don't think it's true:

-------------------

There are still a lot of hot takes I disagree with that I haven't mentioned, but I'm too tired. This took WAY too long. Other cases are mostly quote-mining and deliberatly taking what he says out of context, which isn't very interesting to argue against (just read the full dialogue and consider the context). And also different variations on 'he's an asshole, he hates people, he thinks he's better than others, he'd call you an idiot for this or that, he's elitist, he only values knowledge and intelligence' and so on, but I think I addressed it sufficiently.

So yeah, that was my little character research. This wasn't written for his haters (I dislike some characters myself, and I wouldn't probably read 3K words about how I should change my mind). It was rather for the people who kind of like him, but who feel sad thinking how he'd probably call them idiots or something. I hope I was able to help you see him in a different way. He wouldn't call you an idiot, he'd support you.

[pars-ley]

my love!!!! lexi here hehe i would love fluff #6 and smut #26 with jungkook 💗💖🩷💞

Title: Plain and Simple

Pairing: Jungkook X female reader

Summary: When Jungkook confessed, you had frozen with fear but now you were ready to show him exactly how you feel.

Genre: friends to lovers / uni friends / drabble / smut / fluff / 

Rating: 18+ (nsfw)

Warnings: unprotected sex (wrap it before we tap it guys, please for the love of god) / creampie / clit play / explicit language / slightly public sex (in a locked locker room)

Word count: 1.2k

Banner: Me

Beta: @lo1k-diamonds

Author's notes: thank you Lexi for this request! I loved it, I hope you enjoy! If you would like to send a request, you can find the prompt game here

You are done. 

Done watching her flirt with him in front of you.

Done pretending you feel less for him than you do.

It’s your stubbornness that got you here in the first place. When Jungkook had confessed to you, beautifully expressing his feelings, you had turned into nothing more than statuesque fear. Not ready to admit your own affections, afraid of what it might mean for your friendship. 

Now as you stand here with Rose pawing at him outside the locker rooms, a fire erupts inside you, melting most of your previous fear away. While his hair’s still wet from his shower after running track, the sight calling to you in more ways than one, her ridiculous fake laughter echoes through the halls, and your feet are moving towards them on their own.

You stride down the corridor with a swish of your hips and a flick of your hair, emitting a confidence you don't entirely feel.

He notices you instantly, eyes darting between you and her, seemingly unsure what to do.

“Hey, Jungkook, I need to talk to you,” you say, completely ignoring her presence next to you.

He hesitates briefly, but when he steps forward in your direction, she grabs his arm.

“We were in the middle of a conversation.” She says, side-eyeing you, clearly just as irritated by your presence as you are about hers.

“I'm so sorry,” you start sarcastically, “this is urgent but I'll bring him right back, ok?”

You don't wait for an answer as you hook your arm through his and lead him away.

He doesn't say a word until you guide him into one of the locker rooms.

“Listen, if it's about what I said last week, don't stress about it-” 

You cut him off by calling out to ensure you're alone, and when only silence greets you, you turn to face him.

“Let's just pretend it didn't happen, ok?” he says quickly, avoiding your eyes completely,  “We're good, I promise.”

Your stomach sinks. You didn't want to pretend, you wanted him.

“No.” Your voice comes out harsher than you intend, an attempt at concealing your nerves.

His eyebrows shoot up as his eyes flit between yours, searching for answers. “W-what do you mean?”

You take a few steps towards him, until there's only a whisper of space between you. “I mean, I don't want to forget it, or ignore it, I want to address it.”

His cheeks flush as his gaze dips to his feet, avoiding you. 

“Starting with,” you continue, hooking a finger under his chin and forcing his eyes back to you, “I should have responded better and I'm sorry that I didn't say anything. I was scared.”

Frowning, he asks, “Scared? Why would you be scared?”

“Because telling someone you're in love with them is terrifying, especially your best friend.”

His eyes pop and he opens his mouth to speak but only empty air exits, making you smile.

“But, I'm not afraid anymore.” You respond, your voice no more than a whisper as the silence in the room seems to engulf you both, “I want to be yours and I want you to be mine.”

His face lights up, “You have my whole damn heart, take it, it's yours.”

Reaching up swiftly, your lips crash against his, moving with a desperate pace, exploring his mouth eagerly as his arms wind around your waist, pulling you flush against him. You only break away when your heart is pounding in your ears and you're gasping for breath.

“I need you, right here, right now. I can't deny it anymore,” you whisper, voice laced with lust.

He looks at you for a moment, searching your eyes for sincerity. When he finds it, he wastes no time in spinning you, pressing you firmly against the door. 

His hands roam over the curves of your body, sending feral need straight to your core, making it throb painfully.

His hands travel down to the back of your knees and hook your legs out from under you, making you gasp with surprise. You wrap them around his waist, squeezing tightly as he carries you across the room and lays you down on one of the benches. The wood digs into your back uncomfortably but it only adds to your arousal. The pleasure with an element of pain.

As he kneels at the end of the wood, you grapple at the waistband of his trousers, moving so fast your fingers fumble with the button. He helps you, pushing down his jeans and boxers and lifting your dress so it fans across your chest. 

Pulling your underwear aside, his fingers skate teasingly through your folds, spreading your arousal, while he watches in awe, biting his bottom lip. Lining up to your entrance, he pauses to look up at you with a questioning gaze.

You nod, “Please.” You beg.

He slides slowly inside you, releasing a sinful moan that has you clenching around him. He jolts and smiles down at you.

“I've thought about this moment so many times.” He says breathlessly.

“Make me yours, Jungkook.”

He gives you a devilish grin, his eyes lighting up, as he starts to move, thrusting his hips slowly up into you. Everytime he glides smoothly inside you, he massages that sweet spot, making your toes curl. Your legs around him squeeze, forcing him further inside you, stretching you deliciously, and making you gasp. 

The sound of the wooden bench creaking under you only excites you more when thinking about the reality of where you're doing this.

He feels so good inside you, the way his hands have fallen to your hips, holding you in place and the heavy concentration etched into his furrowed brow, as he observes your reactions to his movements.

The faster you breathe and the louder your moans become, the more he continues his mission to claim you. He presses his thumb lightly on your clit, using your arousal to massage gentle circles, so feather light it makes you want to scream. But your greedy core clenches around him, desperate for release now.

“Kookie,” you whine.

“Tell me what you need, baby.” He reaches down, using one hand to stroke your face.

“Harder,” you pant.

He obeys, ramming into you while still continuing the ministrations on your sensitive bud. A tight knot forms low down in your stomach as a flush of heat spreads through your body like wildfire. 

“You gonna come for me, baby?” He says soothingly and it's all you need to unravel around him. 

The groans that escape him as your cunt spasms around his dick sound like music to your ears.

“Fuck, you feel-” he cuts himself off, as your orgasm milks him to his end, feeling his warm seed spill into you. 

When he stops moving, he slowly lowers himself and kisses you gently, lovingly, before slipping out of you. Covering your crotch with your underwear once more and pulling up his trousers and boxers, he then pulls you up to stand, wrapping his arms around you in an intimate embrace. 

Stroking your hair and kissing your forehead, he asks,“Do you…want to come back to my dorm?” There's a nervousness in his voice you instantly recognise.

Looking up into his wide, apprehensive eyes you can't help but chastise yourself for delaying your confession. 

“Yes,” you reply, tiptoeing up to kiss him and relishing in the way he smiles against your mouth as he pulls you closer. 

Jungkook has always, wholeheartedly, been yours. 

[sweetiesicheng]

jeonghan - troubles

word count : 1,548

-

"alright, let's take a break. we'll move onto the songs for the concert afterwards," your teacher says to all of you.

you sit down in your chair and grab your water from beneath your chair. everyone in the room scatters around.

"alright, let's talk."

you look around and find seungkwan coming over to sit down in the seat next to yours. you move your folder that has your sheet music in it to lean against a leg of your chair.

"why haven't i seen the two of you together today?" seungkwan asks. he's talking about you and your boyfriend, jeonghan.

you shrug, "we're both busy."

he scoffs, "there's no way. you two are always together. what's the real reason you're like this?" he asks.

"it's got nothing to do with jeonghan. i swear," you reply.

"alright...i'll say i believe you for now because you’re my friend. oh, are you going to do the audition tomorrow?" he asks, changing topics. "you would sound really good for the solo," he adds.

you shake your head, "not anymore."

"huh? why?" seungkwan asks. he's clearly worried for you because you usually audition for special parts in songs. "this is the third one you've passed on, y/n," he reminds you.

"i— it's just—"

"hey, have you been okay?" seungkwan asks you.

you shake your head and seungkwan immediately hugs you.

"you're so weird, y/n," he says to you. "whoever did this to my y/n, i'll smack the shit out of them." his words make you chuckle. when he stops hugging you, he pokes your cheeks to make you smile. "i'll get joshua to say something to jeonghan."

you grab seungkwan's arm. "please don't. i'll just deal with it myself. i don't want him to know."

you look over at a group of guys who sit on the higher stands. in the midst of the group are some of the juniors and seniors, including jeonghan.

you look away and sigh. "i think i'm gonna go home," you say to him and get up, grabbing your water bottle and folder in the process.

"we still have rehearsal," seungkwan immediately responds. "y/n, i have to stay with my section today. you should wait so you don't walk home alone," he says to you as you start walking to grab your backpack off of the floor by a wall.

"i'll be fine. just tell teach, alright?" you say and put your folder in your backpack.

seungkwan sighs, "you're being stupid."

"not the first time," you say before opening one of the doors and leaving. you head down the hall and leave through a set of doors at the end of the hall.

—

"are you two fighting?" joshua asks jeonghan.

"huh? why would you ask that?" jeonghan replies while scrolling through his phone.

"you two haven't been with each other all day," joshua replies. "you guys have been attached to the hip since our second year."

"we're fine. we're both just busy cause of exams and work," jeonghan says, turning his phone screen off and putting it in his pocket. "y/n, come over...here?" he looks down but doesn't see you in your usual spot on the bottom riser. "seungkwan, did y/n go to the bathroom?" he asks his friend.

seungkwan looks up at jeonghan, who is walking up towards them. "she went home," seungkwan says to him. "what'd you do to her?”

"what did i do? i haven't done anything," jeonghan immediately replies. "really, i haven't."

joshua joins in, "has she been okay?" he asks jeonghan.

"something's definitely wrong if she hasn't auditioned for any of the soloes or duets," seungkwan says to them.

jeonghan becomes confused. "what? she said she was going to audition for two of them. we were gonna audition for the one tomorrow," he replies. "i'm gonna go."

"now? we still have rehearsal," joshua says to jeonghan.

"i don't care," jeonghan replies before walking down the risers. he grabs his backpack and quickly leaves the room.

he takes his phone out and calls you, but the call goes straight to voicemail. then, he opens the location app to see if your contact pops up but it doesn't. instead, he sees some of his friends and his family member's contacts.

she really turned her phone off...

jeonghan starts walking towards the neighborhood you both live in.

once he makes it to your house, he goes into the backyard to use your patio door. he knocks on the door, and your mom appears at the door. she slides the door open.

"oh, jeonghan. shouldn't you be at rehearsal today?" your mom asks him.

"i'm looking for y/n. seungkwan said she left rehearsal early," jeonghan answers.

your mom shakes her head while speaking, "she hasn't come home yet," she says to him. "i'll call her."

"i think she turned her phone off," jeonghan says to her before your mom has the chance to grab her phone off of the counter. "i think i know where she is. i'll bring her home," he says to her.

"call or text me when you find her or if you need me to come out," your mom says to him.

"yes ma'am," jeonghan replies and starts walking away. he walks around to the front of your house and starts walking out of the neighborhood.

after a bit, he reaches a lake in your town. he walks along the path for one of the resting spots, but he doesn't see you at the first one he walks to.

jeonghan continues walking and reaches the second resting spot, where he finds you sitting on a bench.

he walks up to you and sits down next to you. you don't acknowledge him with a greeting but glance over at him for a second.

"i love you, but i can't read your mind, so you're gonna need to talk to me, pretty," jeonghan says to you.

you look over at him and lightly hit his arm.

"is it me?" you shake your head. "someone at school?" he asks.

you sigh, "can you stop it?"

"not until you tell me what's going on."

you contemplate for a second before reaching into your pocket and taking your phone out. you turn it back on, watching the screen light up and showing your lock screen.

you unlock your phone and open one of your messaging apps. then, you hand jeonghan your phone.

"the second group chat and the first few people," you say to him.

jeonghan clicks on the mentioned group chat and starts reading through text messages that were sent. most of the recent texts, if not all, are about you and jeonghan.

messages that seem supportive at first but later messages prove otherwise. messages questioning your reasoning of being together and if your relationship will actually last. messages asking if you paid jeonghan to date you. there’s many more with negative connotations, and jeonghan realizes what has been going on.

"who are these people?" he asks you after reading for awhile.

"most of them are underclassmen. i don't even know most of them. i think the group chat was for a school event, but most times it just girls trashing other people. i guess we're just their latest gossip," you end with a sigh and lean your head against jeonghan's shoulder.

"how long has this been going on?" he asks. he starts to delete the text messages from your phone, knowing you'd look at it again if they weren't deleted.

you shrug, "i think a week. i don't know." you huff out a sigh of relief. "i'm sorry for not telling you."

"i know," jeonghan replies and turns your phone screen off. "don't worry about it, okay? they don't know who they messed with."

"hannie, don't do anything about it," you say to him.

"yah, if people mess with people i care about, then i'm going to do something about it," he says to you. "come on, let's go to your place. i told your mom i'd bring you home."

"you told my mom?" you ask before groaning.

jeonghan pokes your forehead, "doofus. of course i did. i didn’t know where you went.”

both of you walk back into town. jeonghan lets you call your mom on your phone, and you reassure her that you're safe. after the call, the two of you grab a quick snack at the convenience store before continuing to walk back to your neighborhood.

"oh, that audition for the duet is tomorrow," jeonghan reminds you, "still interested?”

"do you want to audition?" you ask him and try to poke a straw through the top of your drink.

jeonghan holds his hand out. you hand him the drink and the straw, and he effortlessly pokes the straw through the top of your yogurt drink.

"i'm only auditioning if you want to audition," jeonghan replies to your question before taking a sip of your drink.

you shrug, "if you want to, then i'll do it."

"only if you want to," he replies, "i'm not doing a duet unless if it's with you," he adds.

"you're so down bad for me," you say to him and take your drink back.

"i've been down bad for you since we met," jeonghan says and kisses your cheek.

[woncon]

part three: sex on the beach

pairing: poly!stray kids x gn!reader

A day at the beach with your eight chaotic boyfriends.

genre: mini-series, fluff, suggestive, crack/humor, summer fic, established relationship, polyamory, a day on the beach

warnings: minho finally gets sex on the beach, making out as a problem-solving technique, more kisses, jeongin likes to ask questions today

word count: 5K

a/n: yay! it's done! thanks for @honeytwo for her committed work, and of course, thanks to all of you for reading this summer fic! <3

[part 1] / [part 2]

summer go loco / stray kids mlist

While you were sliding into the water, Hyunjin attacked Chan not far away.

"Ah! Hyunne, no!" spat the older man, gasping. "I'm drowning in your spaghetti hair!"

"Oh, no!" giggled Hyunjin as he swung away with his tines flapping like mops. "If you really want to drown, drown in my love for you!"

Chan made a suffering sound and hid his face in his palms.

"Chan is weak when it comes to compliments," Seungmin stated in a whisper, having been given the humble role of Jeongin's pusher. "He's weak at other times too. Like when I loaded his barbell. He couldn't lift it because he's old."

Jeongin couldn't take it anymore, he asked.

"Do you really have a granddaddy kink?"

"No, I just like to tease Chan. Who told you that?"

“Hyunjin.”

"I'm gonna fuck his gossipy ass."

"You'd have to get him to talk to you first, wouldn't you?"

As if sensing that the conversation was about him - and his butt - Hyunjin glanced towards them. He smiled affectionately at Jeongin, but looked gloomily at Seungmin, and then took his gaze away. 

Jeongin patted Seungmin on the shoulder.

"Shall I throw you in the water?"

Jeongin immediately withdrew his hand. "Why?"

"Maybe that would cheer me up." Seungmin made a thoughtful, questioning face.

"I'd rather climb off the mat willingly then." Jeongin did so. When he felt safe, he added, "Asshole."

"Now I'm an asshole?" asked Seungmin, looking shocked. "I wasn't an asshole this morning. Then you called me a-"

"You didn't want to throw me in the water this morning to make yourself feel better." Jeongin was pushing the Monster can again. "Did you learn nothing from what happened between you and Hyunjin hyung?"

"You're right, Innie-ah. It was a stupid idea." He pushed the mattress in the boy's direction. "You can climb back in."

Jeongin grimaced.

"I don't trust you."

"At least let me make it up to you... with a kiss?"

"Isn't the point of atonement to get me something I want?" Jeongin lazily tossed the Monster can into the air, then caught it.

"You don't want my kiss, huh?" The other didn't answer that. Seungmin crept closer to him. "Am I really such a bad kisser that you'd rather throw yourself on the pebbles?" He made a curious face, showing no other emotion.

"It's not about that. I hate it when you come at me in groups."

"And now?" Seungmin bit his lip and swam even closer to him with the mattress like a cargo merman. "We're on our own. Just you and me. Do you want it now?"

Jeongin looked up at the clear blue sky as if the answer was written there.

"Maybe."

"Maybe? What does it take to get the answer to be yes?"

"Answer a simple question."

Seungmin nodded in agreement.

"Are you quite sure you're not interested in grandfathers?"

Seungmin laughed incredulously. And swimming just a short distance away from them was a grandmother and grandfather duo with two grandchildren.

"I swear to you. I like my own age group... And Chan hyung... Okay, maybe I'm interested. But only in Chan hyung."

"Last night for some reason you didn't mention how old he is... When you bit his abs... Several times. And everything."

Seungmin narrowed his eyes. "You said not to talk about last night."

Jeongin shrugged, a small smile hiding at the corner of his mouth.

"Give me my kiss."

"Did I also say you'd get it now?"

"I should have pushed you into the w-"

Jeongin grabbed the back of Seungmin's head, kissed him hard, then let go.

"Here's your kiss."

Then he swam away. Seungmin watched his receding figure. Two canoeists passed him, and even Chan was asking if he was okay when he regained consciousness. "Fuck," he muttered.

Jeongin was not even within earshot, but you and Felix immediately approached him. For the time being, it looked like he would be safe here. Felix had never kissed his face or cooed at him, and you had never cooed at him as often as Hyunjin or Changbin. He obviously didn't know what interesting things were happening while he was chilling with the others. He probably had no idea that there would be a lot of kissing in the middle of the lake. Nor did it occur to him that you were largely planning how to make it the most super day for him.

Right after you met him halfway, Hyunjin arrived in a breaststroke. With a devilish half-smile on his face, by the way. When he spoke, Jeongin's potential security was shattered.

"Innie-ah? Can I ask you something?" Hyunjin leaned his head on the boy's shoulder. "Please don't take off your shirt. If you do, I'll cum right here."

"Oh, my God." Jeongin massaged the bridge of his nose. "Can we please not talk about sex all the time? Just a little?"

"We're sexually frustrated adults. Most of us are half naked and flirting. What did you expect?" asked Felix.

Jeongin mumbled something under his breath.

"Oh, Innie," you clung to him affectionately. "Your poor innocent soul... and your poor feet."

"Stop that. I'm not a little child."

"But you are a baby. Our baby." You kissed him all over his cheekbone. Maybe all of you took it a little too seriously when you had the opportunity to bathe Jeongin in love.

 "And you need to relax."

"I'm relaxed," he said, as he was like a log in your arms. Or a hot guy in the shape of a blown-up float.

"Come on!" Hyunjin poked his nose. That wasn't the switch on the slackness function, unfortunately. "Last time I saw you smile was when the fan was running."

"And when you groped me," you reported. "If that's what it takes to make you happy, I'm here."

Jeongin's Adam's apple did a wild dance.

"As I just alluded to, I don't want it to be all about sex."

"Sex? Who mentioned sex?" Hyunjin narrowed his eyes, then glanced over at your form. “Was it you?"

"I sure wasn't."

“Felix?”

"I don't even know what the word means."

"Get lost." Jeongin tried to shake you off, but you were like Chan in the morning. A real cuddly koala.

"Come on, Innie. You're living with Minho and you still think groping is exclusively sexual?" Felix ruffled the younger's hair. You were amazed at how eager Jeongin was to indulge in his touch, even while he was droning on and in the middle of a minor argument.

You recalled what you had said to Felix minutes earlier. Maybe there's someone who needs your kiss more than I do. Not exactly your kiss. More like something to cheer him up. When you're with him, he's usually happy.

He didn't need much convincing. He also wanted Jeongin to be happy on this sunny day with his wholesome partners.

"Whatever it is, I don't want to do it. And I don't want to hear about him or Chan's bite marks or Jisung's hip-"

"What was that?" interrupted Hyunjin.

"What was what?"

Your boyfriend grinned. "That's what you were doing with your hand," he pointed out the tiny, grabbing motion, "when you mentioned Sungie's hip."

"I'm sure I didn't," Jeongin denied.

"Three credible witnesses say so."

"Only two," you corrected Hyunjin, still clinging to Jeongin. "I haven't been sane since Lix's mouth touched me."

Felix caressed the back of your neck.

"Two witnesses then. The point is the same. You want all of this. Jisung, Chan, maybe everyone. You want it so bad you're about to explode. All this frustration is not good for you. Not for you, not for us. We're here to have fun, Innie. Why are you resisting?"

"What if he doesn't want to?"

"Who? Sungie? Pff." Hyunjin sneered. "He'd feel like heaven if you got close to him."

"Anyone would feel like that," you added.

"That's stupid."

"No. That's the truth," Felix assured him. He pressed a kiss to Jeongin's temple. "We're starving for you, baby."

"There's a difference between someone saying they want to kiss you and sitting on your lap and actually doing it. They're just words. And you're always messing with me and each other. When can I take it seriously?"

"Naive boy..." mumbled Felix. "We're not messing with you."

"Didn't you know? All offers are deathly serious," Hyunjin continued. "If you say yes, it's yours."

Jeongin really did stiffen in your arms this time. You were thinking of recalling in your mind all the offers he'd received in the last few days, maybe even specifically that day. It must have been quite a lot based on the fact that you had talked a lot about Jeongin, not only in person but virtually, and how much you adored him. You had your private fan club.

"Just think about it, okay?" Hyunjin pressed a soft kiss on the back of Jeongin's head.

You let go, so he could think about what was going on without any extra weight. You didn't expect him not to know the rules of the game. You all thought that he just liked to give you the unattainable, or that he just didn't desire your advances.

All of you swam back to the big mat like a couple of cooling fish, and got caught in the middle of a conversation.

"Your feet hurt, your back hurts," Minho listed to Jisung. "Doesn't your mouth get lonely, jagi? If so, I can help you with that, and I can take your mind off the other two. Just saying."

"Can we do it like they did?" He pointed in your and Felix’s direction.

"Oh, we can do better."

"Wanna bet?" Felix was really sexy as he challenged Minho. And Minho greeted him with a sexy smile. Jisung was sexy too, as he scratched his head and lay on the mattress like he was waiting for his dream make-out session. Everyone was sexy. You saw the world, or more accurately your boyfriends, through overly sexy lenses since Felix's mouth touched yours.

"Let’s bet."

After being flooded with mattress memories, you realized what was happening.

Oh my goodness, how many dishes you've washed and vacuumed dust bunnies for betting with Felix! If you were forced to bet, you'd bet with anyone else, even Hyunjin, who bets in vile values, just not Felix. The guy's a master, and you've learned that the hard way.

"Are you sure, hyung?" asked Hyunjin, putting the pink sunglasses back on, not just resting on the top of his head. "You already lost one today. You want to do two penalties in one day?"

"Don't worry about me, Hyunne. I'm unbeatable at kissing Sungie."

"You're not going to kiss Sungie this time," Felix indicated. "This time you're going to kiss like,” he said your name with an impish smile. “and me. Or so you want to. Can you do that?"

Minho licked his lips.

"What do you give when I do?"

"Okay, okay, stop it." Jeongin stepped between Minho, who was leaning against the mattress, and Felix. "What now? A summer mating battle? I don't know exactly what Felix and they did, but I'm sure it won't be repeated here."

"If you're playing Chan today, what will you give us to stop?" asked Jisung slyly, elbowing up. "Scrambled eggs for breakfast? A cuddle afternoon? Kisses?"

It was pretty clear that Chan was spoiling you.

"I can give kisses. To everyone," Jeongin said. He was tense, judging by the way he was playing with the squashed Monster box. 'First thing you'll do when you get out of here is throw away the metal and replace it with a hand. If you can't use your own, you can use someone else's. "Behind the willow tree on the beach."

Jeongin turned and headed for the stairs.

Silence. Even the seagull raiding the beach fell silent at Jeongin's offer. So did you. You restored Changbin's fallen chin, who then looked at you with sparkling eyes.

"Jeongin offered his mouth. All my dreams have come true."

"Wow," Jisung also acknowledged what had happened. "I need to get to shore as soon as possible. Can you push me out, jagi?"

"Sure," nodded Minho. He quickly forgot about the bet. "As fast as I can, no question."

"Let's go until he changes his mind," Felix nodded as well. "I'll go quickly and tell the others. Will you be alright?"

"Of course," you assured him. "I'll kiss Jeongin so hard that- Hey, Minho! Wait for me! I'm getting on!" The mattress was pushed that day, perhaps never before, with the vehemence that Minho and Changbin were pushing it.

It's a wonder they waited. Or maybe it was just a testament to how much they loved you that they were able to wait for you with the promise of an Innie kiss before them.

The willow tree Jeongin picked was huge. Chan could have fit twice its length behind it. It was shady and hidden from prying eyes. It was a feature that caught the eye of others, because in the grass was a suspicious resemblance to a used condom. Fortunately, when it was your turn to follow Minho and Changbin, you weren't concerned with what was down below.

Jeongin gently pushed you against the trunk of the tree. The rough surface peeked through your towel and pressed against your shoulder, but you didn't give a damn.

"Is that how you want it?" Jeongin hummed at your question. "With ants?"

The boy rested his hand next to your head. This gesture was cringe-worthy in many places. However, this time Jeongin did it. If he was going to do the same to Chan, you hoped the poor guy wouldn't get too dizzy.

"There are none. I just have questions."

"Questions? I thought you had kisses. For me."

"Just take a turn. Questions first, then kisses."

"Fine. What do you want to know?"

"How would you like it? Slow and gentle, like Binnie hyung? Or hard, like Minho hyung? Shall I bite your mouth?"

Oh, fuck.

"Whatever. Just keep your mouth on mine." You traced your fingers over the carotid artery, one of his sensitive spots, and with the same vigor he sucked in air sharply, he leaned in to take your mouth.

It's an established fact that he's got you on the edge. And he kissed you fantastically, just the way you like it. You wouldn't have minded ants dropping on you.

Jeongin gasped out your name in a breathy whimper, eyes clouded with haze. He leaned away from you, when you were in the middle of working to rip off his soaked T-shirt.

"Sorry. I just thought you might catch a cold. Besides, Hyunjin's not here to come in his pants if he sees you half naked."

"Don't bet on it. I think he's always watching." Jeongin grabbed your wrist and untucked it from his shirt. Then he surprised you by reaching back to pull it off himself.

Before you could fall like wow, Innie had just grabbed his shirt off you, his palm sliding down your side and settling on your waist. He gently pulled you to him.

"Happy now?"

You nodded enthusiastically.

You touched his bicep. "May I?"

"You may."

You touched every nook and cranny of his exposed skin. Jeongin watched softly, then nuzzled into your neck.

"You're just like us," you said.

"The most you've ever seen me pinching cheeks is in your dreams," he immediately countered.

"You hunger for intimacy as much as we do. You're just as completely in love. That's what I meant. Am I wrong?"

"You like it when you're right, yes?"

"Who doesn't?"

Jeongin, a confident, grown man, stuck his tongue out at you. You, also an adult, and often recorded as Felix's baby, stuck yours out too and smiled. Of course, when Jeongin wanted to kiss you again, you didn't resist. You pulled him close to you and enjoyed that he wanted you.

Finally, you stumbled out from behind the willow tree with a happy grin. Although it would be more accurate to use the term, dizzy out. You sat down on the blanket opposite the water. Everything about you, even your soul, tingled at Jeongin's nearness. You spread his wet shirt on the grass to dry. Sometimes you tilted your head as if you were looking at a trophy. When someone came close enough to you, you'd show it off.

The next eager volunteer behind the tree was Hyunjin, who spent a few seconds blinking exclusively as Jeongin remained half naked.

"What? Did you cum in your pants?" The younger one leaned against the tree.

"D’you want me to?"

"I want your kiss. Or would you rather have mine?"

"Then I'll kiss you all over." As Hyunjin eagerly stepped closer, Jeongin stepped back.

"That's not a fundamental right, hyung. Especially not today."

"You want me to beg for it?"

"Would you?" Jeongin smiled devilishly. "Would you beg for my kiss?"

"You little demon..." Hyunjin held out his hand in fascination, but the other didn't even let it touch his shoulder.

"Maybe you should beg to touch me first."

Hyunjin licked his lips.

"Please, muse. Let me touch you. That's all I want. Please let me. I promise I'll treat you well, and you'll enjoy it too."

"Close your eyes, hyung, and wait."

Hyunjin obeyed.

From the looks of it, Jeongin had indeed decided to become Chan for a while, taking some of the conflict management upon himself, because while Hyunjin closed his eyes and his full lips were ready to kiss the hell out of Jeongin, Jeongin led Seungmin in on the other side of the willow tree. Then he made him face Hyunjin. Seungmin made a puzzled face, but Jeongin persuaded him with nods and various hand gestures urging him to get closer. Seungmin finally stepped in front of Hyunjin and kissed him. Hyunjin threw himself into his neck and was determined to swallow the boy he thought was Jeongin.

He didn't realize the folly until Seungmin moaned into his mouth. Then he pulled away, blinking round-eyed at Seungmin and at Jeongin, who stood a few steps away, smiling contentedly.

"I'm sorry, Hyunne." Seungmin turned the older man's face towards himself. "I'd be Innie for you, if that's what you want."

"Don't be stupid." Hyunjin frowned.

"But I am your stupid."

"Don't embarrass yourself in public, Minnie." Hyunjin pressed one last kiss to Seungmin's lips and held his cheek in the palm of his hand. "I've already forgiven you. I'll wash my hair again tomorrow."

"I'd be happy to help you."

"Will you also help me get Jeongin's promised kiss?"

Seungmin grinned. "Of course."

As soon as the last of the satisfied men came out from behind the willow tree, Hyunjin and Jeongin went upstairs to buy cocktails. They argued that it was for Minho's betting punishment. They said no more. Jisung and Seungmin badgered Minho to tell them the secret, then gave up and took revenge by laying down on top of him. Chan and Felix played Uno. Changbin lounged beside you, and you watched the swans with their chicks as they swam among the stones. There were no bird feeders in the area, so you could only watch them.

"When you kissed Felix, it was very hot," Changbin noted.

"And you're just saying that out of the blue?"

"I can't think of anything else since."

"You're cute." You took the opportunity to pinch his chubby cheeks. It was a good thing he was so muscular. His body was a great pillow and his face was chubby, really chewy. "Who did you imagine yourself to be?"

"Is that a serious question?" he got embarrassed almost immediately.

"Both, then."

"Of course, both. There is no other answer that is correct."

"Actually... there may be. If you imagine yourself as a third party."

Changbin moaned and leaned back on the grass. "Don't do this to me! The way you torture me is unhealthy."

You smiled and followed his example, resting your head on his shoulder.

"I didn't say think about it."

"It's like the purple elephant. Once you say it, there's nothing to do but think about it."

"I'm sorry." You planned to gently pat his stomach as a sign of regret, then somehow your hand stayed. It stayed there, like the thought in your head of how nice it would be to kiss Changbin.

As usual, you promised yourself that you would change your kissing habits and become more resistant to the stimulus. Like Minho, or even Jeongin. Of course, that was easier said and promised than done. Especially under the circumstances: you have Seo Changbin lying half-naked next to you, and he's practically pouting as he tells you how sexy you were kissing Felix.

You looked around. As time went on, there were fewer and fewer people on the beach. A couple of fishermen farther away, young people were picking their beaching supplies, and you overheard snippets of conversations in which participants planned to stay and watch the sunset. Families with young children had already left, probably for dinner. The youths were lost in their own world, the others were preparing for the sunset, and the fisher uncles were hopefully waiting for the catch, not how long you have to feel Changbin's chest to elicit a groan. Brilliant.

You took the towel off your shoulders, then spread it over your head.

"What are you up to?"

"Well, you don't have to just think about it." You snuggled closer to him on the blanket, one leg draped over his hip. His warm palm immediately found your thigh.

"Uno!" shouted Felix.

"Lix, if you win this round, can you come here?" you asked.

"Sure. I'm not giving Chan a chance to fight back like last time... And I won!"

While Felix carried himself over to your blankets, Changbin showered you with kisses. Slow, sweet kisses. First on the tip of your nose, then on your forehead, temple and cheek.

"You really are sweet," you smiled.

"I'm not sweet, just weak. Weak for and from love."

You stroked his cheek. You didn't exaggerate with your words. He nuzzled into your palm and continued to watch you lovingly. He deserved that kiss.

"Are you holding a secret council?" joined Felix under your towel. Luckily, it was big enough to fit all three of you underneath. He nestled himself next to Changbin, resting his chin on the boy's shoulder. "What is there to talk about?"

"We don't want to talk, do we, Binnie?" you caressed his mouth, and his lips parted instantly.

"Oh. So that's why you've been hiding."

"Poor thing couldn’t get our kiss out of his head."

Changbin nodded. Felix ran his fingers through the other's hair, playing gently with it. "Is that what you want, Binnie? That kiss?"

"Y-yes. I liked it a lot."

"You know we can't say no when you're so desperate," Felix whispered. He kissed the sensitive skin behind the boy's ear, then glanced at you. You understood what he wanted. You didn't hesitate any longer. You cupped Changbin's chin to stop him moving and leaned into his mouth. You didn't kiss him yet, just took his bottom lip between your teeth, like Felix did with you. Then you licked his lips. Changbin moaned and trembled. He threw himself after your mouth, and that was a good thing, because when Felix grabbed his pecs, you were lucky that your mouth absorbed the passionate sound Changbin made.

He probably would have given himself to you right there and then if you'd wanted all he had. He always loved to give.

He grabbed your thigh and refused to let go. You didn't want to go either. Felix covered Changbin's neck with kisses. It was the last thing you noticed before you fell into the act of kissing with one of your boyfriends again that day.

By the time Jeongin and Hyunjin returned with four cocktails, the three of you were hugging and panting with numb mouths. As the ice cubes clinked softly in the glasses and straws danced along the lemon rims as the two boys prepared the ground for punishment, Jisung grinned and leaned over Felix.

"I'll be next, okay?"

"I never thought you'd like it so much when I kiss our lovers."

"There's something special about it." Jisung sat down next to you. "Ultimately, I'm glad Innie didn't let us bet. Don't tell jagi, but I think we would have lost."

"I think he knows," Changbin said, glancing toward Minho. You lifted your head from his chest to take a look for yourself at the aforementioned. He watched your little grouping with a penetrating glance. He was so hot-

No. Pull yourself together. Your lips can't take any more kisses.

Instead, you looked towards Hyunjin and Jeongin, who were fiddling with the glasses and for some reason pulled out Felix's sleeping mask. Whatever they were up to, Seungmin was smiling contentedly beside them like he was having a great time. Chan was unaware that the punishment was happening now because he had fallen asleep after the Uno party. He still had the cards under his head, but no one had the heart to wake him up and you just let him sleep. On the other hand, you couldn't be sure he wouldn't object to what the bet winners were planning to do.

The rest of you were slowly gathering around the events. Hyunjin handed Minho the sleeping mask.

"Are you going to poison me?"

"Just a little."

Minho grimaced in displeasure.

"Let me remind you that you invented this punishment. Take it." Hyunjin patted Minho's cheek, then retreated. As soon as Minho had the mask on properly, Jeongin and Hyunjin began to cavort. Soon the four different cocktails had turned into one glass of disgusting-coloured, mixed-up mess, and another glass of a clearer colour.

"Open your mouth, hyung!" Jeongin approached with the first glass. He did not hand it to him, but carefully poured a sip into his mouth. Minho spat.

"What the fuck is this?"

"Cocktail." The boy ran the juice around the side of the glass. "Bottoms up!"

"I hate my bets," he sighed irritably.

Finally he drank every disgusting drop. You wouldn't have wanted to be in his shoes. The first glass was empty, the second came. Hyunjin held it up to Minho's mouth. After the first sip, the boy grunted and moaned.

"It's-it's delicious. What did you mix?"

"It's just plain sex on the beach. Jeongin told me how much you wanted it. Don't tell us we tortured you the whole time."

Minho drank that in with more enthusiasm. The last sip rolled down to his Adam's apple.

"That's your punishment." Hyunjin lapped up the tiny drop, happily swallowing it. "You have fulfilled it."

You congratulated him. Jeongin collected the glasses, Seungmin put the sleeping mask away. You helped gather Jisung's dry clothes, because he was getting cold, and accompanied him to the dressing rooms. Finally, once you were there, you went in with him. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

"Anyway... Get ready."

You hung your towel on the rack and turned to the boy with a questioning look. Jisung grinned, and that only made you more curious.

"Huh? What for?"

"I'm going to kiss you so hard you won't want to do anything else for hours."

"Now?"

"I wish, but right now we barely have minutes. Sometime when you're not expecting it." When did Jisung's hand come to your side? "I want to hear the sound you made from Felix's mouth."

"That sounds good." You took the opportunity to touch his hip. "Maybe I can get you to make the sounds you make when you kiss Minho."

"Deal."

Then you quickly got dressed, knowing that Jeongin was in the next stall and would quickly put a stop to any inappropriate action as Chan's responsible deputy.

You yourself shed the slightly damp swimsuit and took a dry seat on a less damp corner of the blanket. Behind you on the air-scoughing mattresses, Changbin issuing instructions. In front of you, the water, bridged orange by the light of the setting sun and the lapping sound of the waves as they crashed against the stones.

Jeongin settled down beside you. He leaned his head on your shoulder.

 "Did you have a good time?"

"Yeah," he nodded. "It was pretty good after all." He smiled broadly. Cheerfully, sincerely, and before the sunset. Your heart beating feverishly, pride embraced you. "I had a good time today."

"I'm glad." You tilted your own on top of his head, and together you watched the sun go down. A tiny sliver was still visible on the horizon when Minho held out his hand.

"Come on. The day is over. Let's go home."

"Let's go home," you nodded, letting him pull you up off the ground, and then Jeongin. The others competently packed up your stuff so you could be rascally donkeys again on the way back. Chan would have fit right in as a sleeping rascal donkey. Hyunjin assured him that he would drive and Chan should sleep peacefully in the car. Chan smiled gratefully at him. Then he tried to kick Seungmin in the butt, who said something about the need for elderly people to sleep. Seungmin laughed and ran forward, only to suffer a slap on the back of the head from Felix.

You had two bags slung over your shoulders when Minho slapped you on the ass with a snap.

"Hurry up, we're being eaten by mosquitoes!" he smirked.

You laughed in disbelief, then followed him down the path. In revenge, you stuck your hand in his back pocket and didn't take it out until you reached the car.

It was a hot day. Really hot. A real heatwave day, when everyone turns into a walking ice cream cone. But a really exciting, good day to spend with your boyfriends, swimming in your own chaos, and in the water.

stay taglist :: 💕@lemonn015

[thisapplepielife]

Written for @steddie-week.

Long Long Time

Day #3 - Prompt: Mutual Pining | Word Count: 1050 | Rating: T | CW: Language | POV: Steve | Tags: Post S4, Eddie Munson Lives, Idiot 4 Idiot, Mutual Pining, Miscommunication, Platonic Stobin, Robin Knows What's Up

It's not one realization. It's several, over and over again. A steady falling, until he's in so deep, there's just nothing to be done about it. 

"Stop pining, dingus," Robin says, and Steve looks up at her and smiles.

"Impossible," he answers.

"Just tell him," she urges, and he shakes his head. Eddie isn't interested. He's made that pretty clear with the distance he's put between them. 

"Nah, that's not cool. He's getting ready to go," Steve says, "no reason to make it uncomfortable now."

"Dingus. No. Stop it. I can promise you Eddie is pining for you just as hard."

Steve shakes his head. He knows that's not true. Steve's tried all his best moves over the last two years, everything he knows, and has nothing to show for it, except a heart that's maybe not gonna be his anymore.

Steve sits on the floor of Wayne's house, and helps box tapes. Eddie's going. He's really leaving, and soon. 

And Steve's sure that's gonna hurt him for a long, long time. 

"So, what're your big plans for this summer, Harrington?" Eddie asks.

Missing you, Steve thinks, but doesn't say.

"Oh, I don't know. Hang out with Rob, I suppose. Find new jobs. You know we like to change it up every so often. Wreak havoc elsewhere."

Eddie laughs, and it makes Steve smile.

"You could come with me, you know," Eddie offers, but keeps looking down at the box he's packing. "Both of you. All of us."

It's not a real offer, Steve knows that. He knows he's supposed to say no, supposed to let Eddie go, without throwing an anchor around his neck. 

"Oh, you don't want that," Steve rebuffs, and Eddie looks up. "I'll cramp your style."

Eddie laughs, "Yeah, you know me. Party animal."

Steve grins, "You might become one. You won't want me tagging along for that."

"But, what if I do?" Eddie asks, and Steve looks up at him.

"Eddie," Steve says, trying to cut this off before he embarrasses himself.

"You're one of my best friends, and we could have fun together."

They could. Steve knows that's true. But he can't go live in an apartment with Eddie. Can't watch him spread his wings and date, right in front of Steve's face. That'd be too hard.

Even if part of Steve wants to say yes, desperately, just to cling onto anything that's being offered.

But he's trying to be better about that. Trying to grow, and shit.

He can only let his heart get trampled so many times, and he's nearing his limit. He definitely won't be able to survive it happening under Eddie's boot.

"C'mon, Steve. For me."

And that almost does it. He hates to deny anything that Eddie might want, but sometimes, you've got to save yourself first. Put on your own life preserver, then worry about everybody else. Robin's taught him that. Or, has at least tried to.

"I can't."

"Why? Robin? I said she can come, too!"

"Because we don't feel the same way about each other, Eddie!" Steve snaps, and Eddie turns into himself, immediately.

"Oh. Oh shit," Eddie says, "I didn't know you knew. Wow, that's embarrassing," he mutters, and it kind of makes Steve mad. 

"I'm not embarrassed. I can't help who I lov-. Like. Whatever. But I just can't torture myself, man. I want you to be happy, I do. And I'm the wrong guy for making that happen, obviously, so let's just leave it. While we're still friends."

Eddie's nodding, still packing, then he's suddenly frozen in place, "Wait. What? You make me the happiest."

"As a friend," Steve clarifies.

"Well, yeah. But, if you were into it, as more, too."

"Wait. What?" Steve asks, repeating the same thing Eddie had just said. This is gonna turn into Who's on First? if they aren't careful.

"I mean," Eddie says, shying away, "I know you aren't interested like that. But I still want you around."

Steve laughs, fucking cackles, like he's crazy. He feels crazy.

Was Robin right all along? Was Eddie doing the same kind of pining, and Steve just never noticed? Fuck.

They are both goddamn idiots, if that's the case.

"Well, don't laugh," Eddie says, and he sounds dejected.

"Wait, Eddie, hold up," Steve says, crawling across the carpet towards him, putting his hand on Eddie's forearm. "Do we have crossed wires here? Do you like me, like me? Like I like you?'

"You like me?" Eddie asks.

"Uh, yeah," Steve admits, "I have for a while, to be honest."

"Jesus H. Christ, we're idiots," Eddie says, pushing his hand into Steve's hair.

"Dinguses, if you ask Robin," Steve says, smiling, and Eddie's so close he could kiss him. 

Steve thinks he will, and leans in, where Eddie meets him halfway. Kissing him, and it's everything, more than Steve hoped it could ever be.

When Eddie pulls back he's smiling, eyes crinkled at the edges, fucking happy.

He looks thrilled, and Steve decides to go all in. In for a penny, in for a goddamn pound.

"I think I'm gonna love you for a long, long time," Steve whispers in a sing-songy way, because even as happy as Eddie looks right now, Steve's still scared his love won't be wanted.

But Eddie just grins even harder.

"What made you think of that song?" Eddie asks, eyes big and bright, almost shiny.

"You hum it all the time," Steve answers, "under your breath. Like it's soothing."

Eddie wraps his arms around Steve's neck, pulling him tighter. Harder. Closer. They're on their knees, so that kind of hurts, but Steve refuses to let him go as Eddie whispers, "It was my mom's favorite song. She'd sing it to me at night."

"Kind of a sad lullaby," Steve says, and Eddie smiles.

"I was kind of a sad little boy," Eddie admits, and Steve runs his hands up and down Eddie's back.

"Well," Steve says, pressing his lips to Eddie's briefly, "if you'll let me, I'm gonna make sure you're not a sad adult."

Eddie kisses him hard at that, and Steve really will. Even if it takes his whole damn life. 

"I'll definitely let you. For a long, long time," Eddie echoes, the beginnings of a promise.

And Steve will take that deal.

If you want to write your own, or see more entries for this challenge, pop on over to @steddie-week and follow along with the fun!t

The title is from the Linda Ronstadt song of the same name.

[skzaholix]

LOVE han jisung x reader w. maybe a little cringy but what is good love without cringe, this is gonna be a wilddd trip, jisungs mother isn't it... , lovesick!jisung gen. angst, fluff , starcrossed lovers sum. your world suddenly comes crumbling down when your lover feels as though you don't want him as much as he wants you so you choose to prove him that it isn't true. count. 2.8k

"they're a disgrace, jisung. do you want to love a disgrace?" the words replayed in your head as you sat rushed out of the home, jisung following quickly.

You both knew of each others feelings for one another, you both knew of the circumstances you both stood in but that wouldn't stop him, neither should it stop you, could it?

" y/n wait , i know what she said back there is bad but-" he attempted to find an excuse for his mothers words yet his mouth ran dry at the thought of any.

you sigh, discouraged and tired as rain poured onto you in heavy bunches, an uncomfortable feeling at best. "jisung-"

"oh how i hate when you call me that." he yells over the loud patters, not bothering for safety as he runs faster, grabbing onto you.

"ji, i'm sorry but i think we should just stop trying... i mean, no one wants us together and no matter what we try it never works." you turn to look at him, the rain covering up whats meant to be tears

"we just have to try harder, love. and if not, i don't think their opinions matter at all." he says, worry in his eyes as he calculates the possible outcome of this

"no ji, you don't understand. you're not the one being berated everywhere because of your social classing" you pull your arm from his grasp, looking at him with a cold stare.

he had never seen you in such a light towards him, perhaps he deserved it but who would he be if not a fighter for something he truly held valuable.

"okay, you're right i'm sorry-" he said huffing out a breath.

"no you're not sorry, you're selfish." you stare at him, expression blank as tears continued to fall with each passing blink.

his expression changed from one of worry to one of desperation.

"I'm... selfish?" he asked, his eyes saddening as he frowned.

"yes! you force me into this stupid relationship when all i get is reprimanded so yes, you're selfish."

you truly didn't mean it. jisung was persistant, he'd fight for something no matter what but you were tired, endlessly being dehumanized at the hands of anyone with any superiority.

"I thought you wanted- I thought you liked me..." he breathed heavily, his mind racing with many thoughts as he tried to mask the hurt. It was scary, how well he'd done it though, his eyes now showing a cold glare.

"Fine. I don't even know why I bothered, got my clothes all soaked for nothing." He said, his stare intense on you before he walked back into his home almost robotically.

your heart hurt as you watched him walk back into his home but you knew maybe it was all for the better.

The campus cafeteria buzzed with loud chatter as everyone prepared for lunch. Jisung sat at a table across the cafeteria from you but yet his eyes never seemed to stop looking at you. You were reading a book, paying little to no attention to your food.

Felix stared at Jisung with concern before following his gaze. "you alright? why don't you just go over there and sit with them?" He said, waking Jisung from his trance. "We're.. not together anymore," he said quietly before felix looked at him with a look of sympathy.

"Oh... I'm sorry," he replied as the table for the two had gotten quiet, of course before seungmin ruined the silence.

"Why are you watching them like a hawk then?" Seungmin asked, sliding his tray of food next to Felix's, giving a blank stare despite his ruthless remark, earning a glare from felix.

"Don't they look a little bad? I mean- not bad just... like they've been through a breakup and are upset?" Jisung was down bad, feeding off delusions in his head to prove to him that what you said wasn't true.

"No, they look the-" Seungmin starts, only to be stopped by Felix.

"I'm sure they're just as hurt as you are hyung" Felix suggests causing Jisung to nod.

Truth be told, you were. You'd taken a lot of effort to even get out of bed today and get ready, not to mention the self torment and strain you had to endure even trying not to look his way, it was torture.

Hyunjin appears at the boys table, his eyes squinted as he looked at the faces around him. "What's going on?"

"He's going through a breakup." Seungmin says, pointing at Jisung before going back to chewing on his food.

"A breakup? I think I have a good idea for you to get over it" Hyunjin suggest, cleaning closer to Jisung who only pushes him away.

"I don't wanna get over it. I want them" He pouts, covering his face in mental torment.

" this isn't right for your mental, maybe you should try to move on..." Felix says, bringing a hand to pat the man on his head.

"Right. That's why I suggest you go out with Yunhee" Hyunjin says with a smile on his face as Jisung glares at him.

"What?"

"Cmon, she's has a crush on you. She has had for a long time. Its way better than unrequited love."

"Hyun, that would be unrequited love" Felix says to which Hyunjin shakes off.

"He can fall in love with her, you can't fall inlove again, everyone knows that." Hyunjin says as Jisung sighs deeply.

"If i do it, will you shut up?" he asked, his eyes bored as Hyunjin nods with a smile.

You felt maybe you were doing right and that as time moved on you'd only get better. Yet, the thing is that the heart wants what it wants and the feeling of being happy will only be there for but so long before you're longing that true happiness once more.

That's exactly how you felt as you watched Jisung walk down the hall with Yunhee, the same girl who's always had a 'crush' on Jisung.

Yunhee was a bit of a childish person, spoiled, bratty, but luckily for her, rich.

she was also your mortal enemy who took it upon herself, even now at her big age to want whatever you wanted, even the things she knew you couldn't have, for example, Jisung.

You knew she didn't like him, she and her friends would joke about it everyday, stealing him from you just to see you with nothing.

She was using him, using your jisung.

"Hey ynnie!" You heard a bright cheery voice behind you belonging to no other than Felix.

You turned around to look at him, a playful grin on your face. "Aren't you Jisung's friend now? I saw you sitting with him yesterday."

He tilted his head, pouting. "Can't a guy have friends? I feel like a child of divorce."

You roll your eyes. "Why is jisung with Yunhee?" You ask, nudging your head towards the two.

Felix gives you a knowing look, a small smirk on his face. "Why? Jealous?"

You glance at him, scowling. "I just think it's ironic someone who says he's so hurt about a relationship is back with someone else in less than 72 hours" you cross your arms.

Felix nods, "Don't worry, he's just doing it for Hyunjin, they'll either be linked by the arm or complete strangers by time the college christmas party is over depending on how well they're communicating"

linked by the arm.

meaning dating?

obviously y/n.

uh oh.

truly you hadn't seen this one coming, you obviously weren't expecting for him to find someone else so quickly whilst you were still mourning. for that same person to be the one who never even cared about him.

you left hurt him just for him to be hurt again. there's no way you'd let yunhee go through with whatever trick she was going planning.

so you tried, speaking to him for the first time in what felt like forever

Jisung sat in the chair of the music room by himself as he looked over the notes for a song he'd been learning on guitar.

You'd been there everytime he let you listen to the rough drafts of his finishing project; it felt a little bittersweet hearing the finished version.

He played the notes softly, his eyes intently staring at the paper before he pushed his glasses up on his nose, letting out a sigh.

"Whoever's standing there you don't have to be a stalker, make yourself known" he said bluntly, causing you a little panic.

"Sorry..." You muttered but he recognised your voice instantly, his eyes widening as he quickly glanced back, putting his facade back on once more.

"What do you want?" His tone was cold, much like yours on the night you broke his heart.

"Can we talk?" You ask quietly, pushing the door to the music room closed a bit.

He let out another sigh, this time deeper and sounded annoyed. "What?"

"I wanted to talk to you about Yunhee" You started and the delusions in his mind almost made him think you were jealous, causing his heart to beat a little faster at the possibility.

"What? Are you upset i'm with someone else?" His tone and his heart are speaking two different languages because his tone is cold and upset but his heart is longing for you to want him, to accept him as much as he does you, if only he knew.

"What? No no, I just- Yunhee is only gonna hurt you, i don't think you should go out with her." You admit honestly, a look of concern in your eyes as you try to mask the feeling of hurt.

He scoffs, letting out a harsh laugh before standing. "You can't be hypocritical, y/n. It isn't a good look on you." he brushed past you before you could even get a chance at speaking.

Another thing about Jisung was that he was stubborn, very stubborn. And yet so were you.

A few days later, Jisung sat at the table with Felix, chewing on some carrot sticks they served which honestly were the first time they ever tasted fresh like they did today.

You rushed over, placing your hands on the table as a halt, getting the attention from both boys before Jisung looked back down at his food quickly.

"Ji..." You spoke, trying to get his attention.

"Jisung please..." You begged, walking over to the opposite side of the table to sit with him, gesturing to felix that now wasn't the best time to sit there to which he took the hint.

"Ji-"

"What do you want this time." He said, his eyes never landing on you, his attention only focused on the orange vegetable.

"Listen i'm sorry about what I said, i never meant to hurt you.."

"That's not gonna make me any less hurt, y/n. If this is an attempt at getting Yunhee gone, it's not working." He said bluntly.

"What? Jisung no-" He scowled at the name again.

"You know, you don't want me, neither do you want anyone else to. do you just hate me, y/n?" He asked, now staring at you with a death glare. If looks could kill, you'd be ready to be shipped off in a coffin.

You sit in shock and silence at his words, causing him to scoff in disbelief, standing up as he collects his stuff.

You manage to grab his hand when he walks by but he pulls it out of your grasp before you can even get a word out.

Two weeks has passesd since you last interacted with Jisung and everytime he sees you, he avoids you like the plague. You've come to the conclusion that he is complately done with you, that you're both done. It hurt like hell, you could barely even force yourself out of bed for the first week, let alone focus on anything besides the fact that you lost the greatest thing life can give you.

It was now lunchtime and you sat at your usual spot, now more caught up in a book than ever, anything to distract yourself from looking over across the cafeteria where they could see you. Luckily for Jisung, as you would've caught him staring at you from afar.

"Goodness, they look like they haven't been eating. You guys think its my fault? Fuck, i'm so stupid." Jisung scolds himself, covering his face as he tries to hide the tears threatening to slip.

"Han, I don't think you should be worrying about your ex when you have a nice date tonight with your new date." Hyunjin says although his still pats his back for comfort.

Han breathes in for a second, nodding slowly as he wipes the tears from his face, Felix's eyes filling with concern before his eyes glow with oppurtunity.

"Alright fine, this'll be the last date before i go off to weep in misery" He says before sighing deeply.

Felix turns up to your home with a big smile on his face, as he explains his idea of you finally speaking to Jisung, and tells you that Jisung also is going through a rough time and is only mad at you because he thinks you don't love him.

So thats how you end up at the party, standing awkwardly. You'd had over 6 drinks of some random non alcoholic drink to keep yourself from looking too awkward but now you've got to pee.

you walk to the bathroom which is very close but stop when you hear a conversation and familiar voices.

"jisung? nah i only need him to get back at y/n, remember?"

"ah, you think he actually is starting to like you yet?"

"that'd be a bummer, but it may benefit his parent's are rich. probably the only reason that bitch wants him."

"right, that's genius"

their conversation made your blood boil. she not only was using him to get back at you but she also was using him to get free money?

even if you couldn't win him back, you'd get your revenge before she thought of doing whatever she wanted to.

she walked out of ther bathroom, watching you stand there with a glare on her face. "Privacy much? no one asked you to be a stalker."

you stared at her , rage filling your eyes before you looked into your 7th cup, filled with juice inside, throwing it right into her face.

convienetly enough, Jisung was right outside the door to the bathrooms so he heard the loud shriek she gave and came inside, only to find you standing there holding a red solo cup outside down, leaking small drops of red juice onto the tile floors, causing Jisung to cringe before he walked over to you, looking at you in disbelief.

He grabbed your arm, softly, pulling you out of the bathroom and into a room more quiet, ignoring the screams from Yunhee.

He paced the room as you sat on a desk in the from, looking at him.

"What the hell was that?" He finally asked, looking at you.

"Ji- she said something bad about you! why are you upset with me?"

He glared at you, this time in an unrecognizable way. it was neither angry, nor cold, just frustrated?

"You... You confuse me Y/n. " This gets you to look up at him, your mouth dry, unable to answer.

"You tell me you love me, and want to fight, for me then you go and tell me i'm selfish when you cloud up every fucking thought I have, not even the valuables you say I want so bad can even match your value, how much I want you." Your eyes widen, unable to speak; he doesn't want you to anyways, he's not finished.

"Then you act all sweet and hurt, making me hurt for you yret, you can't even say no when I ask if you hate me and now... you're.. you're fighting someone for saying they want to hurt me, making me all fucked up."

The room is in complete in silence as you two stare at each other, desperation and shock in both of your eyes.

"say something please... do you love me? If you don't... I'll try, I'll get over it"

"ji... I do... I really really do but-"

"oh you know I hate it when you say "but" ..." he groans a little, moving closer as his eyes fill with desperation.

" I don't wanna go through that again... and I know it's unfair and downright selfish for me not to want you to move on but I just... I want you..."

he stares at you with hearts in his eyes as he softly grabs your arms.

"I'll do something about it... I promise it'll stop just next time tell me about this stuff, I can't lose you again, especially not like this." he says, staring into your eyes.

the room falls silent once more before you pull him into a passionate kiss, one filled with desperation, longing, and the taste of peppermint candy canes on his tongue.

"I love you, y/n so so so much."

"I love you so so so much as well, hanji"

AUTHORS NOTE: hello everyone this is the first part of amore, mio !! this was honestly a plot I had been drifting back and forth from but basically I can say I honestly got the whole idea for this series based on @dearbrisky ( this is a different plot than you asked for i apologize) asking for hopeless romantic hanji so i decided why not do a love trope for all members . I also wrote this all in the middle of the night and its not quite proofread so please tell me if there are any gendered terms used in here !! i'm also not the best writer so please do tell me if this writing g pace felt like whiplash

[yoongiseesawmp3]

ceilings pt3 - san

summary: pe teacher!san turned new dad!san. your family of three is growing. an engagement, a pregnancy, a wedding? that's a lot. good thing you and san can get through anything together.

word count: 9.8k

warnings: afab reader, inaccurate descriptions of pregnancy/labor (ive never done it before!)

note: this is the last part! thank you for reading and sharing such kind words about this series :') thank you thank you thank you.

masterlist / part one / part two

"baby, come on, we're gonna be late!" san calls from the kitchen. you groan, but he can't hear you. it's still the early stages of your pregnancy, but you feel like shit. you know you need to get up, you have to go to this appointment, but no part of you wants to move. so you don't. that leads to san bursting into the bedroom with your breakfast, saying, "paging mrs. choi!"

"why do you keep calling me that? we're not married yet," you mumble into your pillow. then, upon smelling the food san's holding in front of you, you scrunch your face up and suppress a gag. "move, i think i'm gonna be sick."

san steps out of the way as you sprint to the bathroom, trying to shut him out before you kneel just in time to hurl all the contents of your stomach into the toilet. you know it may not be sanitary, but you lay your head on the seat, catching your breath as san quietly joins you.

"san, i told you i don't want you to see me like this," you whisper, voice hoarse.

"too bad," he shakes his head. he sits on the edge of the tub, brushing your hair out of your face as he says, "i'm here now so i'm here for everything. even the puking bits."

"but it's embarrassing. and gross."

"it's nature," he shrugs while you start heaving again. "it happens."

"how late are we gonna be for the appointment?" you ask, looking back to find san watching you with concern in his eyes.

"not too late," he admits. "i woke you up early."

"you're evil."

"yeah but you love me," he smirks.

"not right now," you say as you hover over the toilet again. "seriously, can you go do something else?"

"nothing for me to do," he says. "vi's at school, kitchen is clean, laundry's done-"

"can you," you stop as you get sick again. "can you go throw those eggs away? i'm sorry san but just the smell-"

"they're gone," he says, kissing the back of your head as you take deep breaths to steady your stomach. he clears the food that he brought for you, packing some safer foods for you to snack on in the car. he also packs your vitamins and a ginger ale, because he knows you'll be fine in a few minutes. your morning sickness comes like clockwork, and goes away pretty quickly. it's just tough while you're going through it, so san is eager to make things easier for you if he can. he places your to go bag by the door, shuffling back to the bedroom to find you back in the bed. "y/n, now we're actually late."

"do i have to go to this appointment?" you whine. "you can go for me."

"we kinda need your equipment though, baby," he laughs. "come on, let's get dressed."

you roll out of bed then and into san's arms. he hugs you tight, kissing your forehead before waddling you into the closet. he hands you whatever is closest, taking your pajamas and tossing them into the laundry basket as you change. when you're done he gives you a once over and asks, "did you brush your teeth?"

"yes," you grumble. "but it made me sick again. so we'll have to get a new toothpaste on the way back from the doctor, i can't use this one anymore."

"got it," san nods, pulling you out of the closet and toward the door. "you good now? ready to go?"

"yep," you assure him. "let me just get something for the car-"

san holds up the bag he prepared earlier, smiling proudly as he says, "way ahead of you, love. now let's go see this baby!"

-

you're using the same doctor that delivered violet for this pregnancy, so you know what to expect. the first visit for this kid was just with a technician, so today will be san's first time meeting the doctor. at the other appointment, he got to see the ultrasound, even though the fetus was barely the size of a peanut on the screen, and he still cried. he's been so excited for this appointment because he has a lot of questions for the doctor, and they'll take blood today to find out the sex.

you thought about waiting, because that's what you did with violet, but san said he wants to know everything. you want him to enjoy this, getting to be a dad from the very beginning, so you're doing whatever he wants. he wants to know the sex, so you're doing that. he wants to be at every appointment, so he's there. he wants to see all the good and exciting parts of pregnancy and all the gross and scary parts too, so you're letting him. it's bringing you closer than you ever thought possible, and you can't believe you did this once already without san by your side to help you.

as he drives to the doctor, he goes through his questions with you, not wanting to sound like an ignorant dad in front of your doctor. he's worried about asking questions he should already know, so you're answering what you can and keeping track of which answers need a professional opinion.

"you know some of these you could just google," you tease. "no need to bother the doc with them."

"i'd rather hear it from someone i trust, not a stranger on the internet," san replies. "but there's one i'm afraid to ask, so i guess i'll google that."

"what is it?" you ask, curiosity getting the best of you.

"can we still have sex?"

"you're joking."

"what! i want to know if it's bad for the baby!"

"i actually don't know," you think about it. "i know sex is encouraged to induce labor, but i'm not sure if it does anything else."

"i'll keep that in mind," san smirks, and you slap his arm as he pulls into the parking lot. he complains when you get out of the car without his help, but you remind him that you can still do things on your own. he keeps mumbling as you walk into the waiting room, waving as you greet the receptionist.

"well if it isn't my favorite parents," she smiles.

"i bet you say that to everyone," you roll your eyes, but she shakes her head.

"nope, you made the cutest kid i've ever seen," she says. "and you're both nice, so that gets you top spot."

"well i hope that works in our favor since we're so late today," san says sheepishly.

"no worries," the receptionist assures him. "it's a slow day, so you're all we've got this morning. i'll tell the doc you're here."

a nurse leads you to an exam room shortly after, and san starts firing some of his questions at her. they chat as you get situated in the chair, cursing at how uncomfortable you are. was your pregnancy with violet this miserable? or has it just been so long you forgot how bad it gets?

"y/n! it's so nice to see you again!" the doctor says cheerfully as she walks in. san stands off to the side as you catch up, but you keep an eye on him as you speak. the doc catches on and turns to him, smiling warmly as she asks, "is this the father i've heard so much about?"

"you told her about me?" san asks you, and you feel yourself blush.

"some of it was just medical," the doc answers for you. "but i could tell this one had some feelings she needed to address. i'm very happy to see you both here now."

"happy to be here," san smiles. "i've actually got some questions for you-"

"i'm sorry in advance," you tell her, and san shushes you.

"i've dealt with much worse," the doctor says. "ask away."

boy does he! san shoots off question after question as the doctor preps the machine and checks your vitals. when you lift your shirt for the ultrasound gel, she comments on your baby bump.

"you're showing a lot for just a few weeks," she notes. "when did you say you conceived?"

"pretty much the second time we had sex," you answer, and san balks. "what? she's seen my vagina. she can know about our sex life."

"it's part of the job," the doctor agrees. "it's not uncommon for a second pregnancy to speed some symptoms along, so that might be why you're showing so soon.

"is that a bad thing?" san asks, but she shakes her head.

"just some early growth, nothing wrong with that," she says as she starts the ultrasound. san takes your hand and squeezes softly, his palm sweaty from nerves and excitement. "but let's take a look at the little one to make sure."

"do you hear that?" you ask san. he's watching the screen intently, so it takes a second for your voice to register. he listens for a second and asks what you're talking about. "the heartbeat. that whooshing sound? that's the baby."

"really?" he looks at you eagerly. "that's the baby's heartbeat?"

"babies," the doctor says, and you nod in agreement.

"yeah, that's the baby's heart-"

"no, i mean babies, plural," she repeats. "there are two fetuses here."

"what?" you're shocked. you look at the screen and gasp, noticing the second blob immediately. "oh my god."

"two babies?" san whispers, gripping your hand so tightly it hurts. "there's two babies in there?"

"that's why you're showing so early," the doctor smiles as she notes a few things in your file. "but yes, you're having twins, y/n."

"oh my god," you repeat. san cups your chin, pulling your gaze from the ultrasound to his teary eyes.

"twins," he emphasizes. "two babies, y/n!"

"two babies," you nod, still surprised. "you get to have three after all."

"i love you so much," he whispers, kissing you quickly so he can go back to staring at the babies on the screen.

"do twins run in your family?" the doctor asks.

"maybe in mine?" san thinks out loud, and your head whips to look at him. "what?"

"that would've been nice to know!"

"would it have stopped you from sleeping with me?" san asks, and you shut up, because, no, it wouldn't have. but it would've been nice to know it was a possibility.

"since it's twins, this pregnancy might look a little different," the doctor starts to explain, and you try to listen but your mind is swimming. two babies. you're gonna have three kids. two babies plus violet. can you and san handle that? can you afford it? can your house even fit two babies? as you run through all these questions, san jots down notes on the pamphlets the doctor is handing him, explaining how the appointments will increase in frequency for the next bit of the pregnancy to monitor the twins' growth and your health. there's even more things you have to do now to make sure everything is safe, so san is planning his next grocery run in his head as you sit there stunned.

"y/n?" he finally calls your name. you turn to him dazed, and he can tell something's wrong. "you ok?"

"this is just a lot to take in," you say softly. "but i'm ok. i'm happy."

"are you ready for me to take your blood?" the doctor asks, and you nod. she explains that they'll call back tomorrow with your health updates, and in about a week with the sex of the babies. "what do you think you'll have?"

"two girls," san replies immediately.

"you like being a girl dad?" the doctor asks, and he nods eagerly. "y/n? what about you?"

"i want san to have a son," you reply. "but i can't let the boys outnumber me and vi, so i think one of each would be nice."

"i'd be happy with whatever, honestly," san says. "this is exciting."

"cool, because i'm terrified," you mumble, wiping the gel off of your stomach as the doctor wraps up.

"you'll be fine," she tells you. "you were like this with violet, and look how well you did. this pregnancy will be just as great."

"i'll remember that in the morning when i'm puking my guts out," you smile, and she laughs.

"let me get you a few more vitamins, and then you're good to go."

-

you and san took the day off work for the appointment, so after a quick grocery shop you're back home. you're already exhausted despite not doing much today, so san puts the groceries up while you lay down. you're in and out of sleep when he pads into the room, lays down behind you and scoops you into his arms.

"y/n," he whispers into your hair. "are you awake?"

"no."

"baby."

"my love. sh."

"but i want to ask you something." at that you roll over. he looks at you softly, brushing some hair out of your face. "how do you feel?"

"that's why you woke me up?" you pout, and he kisses you to make up for it.

"we're having twins," he says. the shock is finally hitting him, apparently. "that's a lot more work for you."

"for both of us," you reply. "good thing there's two of us, a baby for each."

"yeah, but at the doctor earlier you said you were scared," he continues. "and then she went on and on about all the things you need to be careful of..."

so this isn't san checking in on you, really. it's him admitting he's worried, but masking it by seeing how you feel about this change of plans. he does that a lot, tries to save face and be unafraid for you, but you need him to know he can be open with you about his feelings. he can get too caught up in providing for you and violet that he forgets to check on himself, so you'll do it for him.

"i'm scared, but good scared," you explain. "pregnancy is scary, because you never really know everything is good until you meet the kid. and don't even get me started on labor. the idea of doing that twice, back to back? that's gonna be awful. but i know it'll be ok, because i have you, and we have our family, our friends, so many people to support us. it'll be tough, sure, but we can do it," you assure him, cupping his face. "aren't you excited you'll get your family of five you've always wanted?"

"yeah," he admits shyly. "i'm really excited, it's just..."

"sannie, you can tell me. are you nervous?" he nods. "what are you nervous about?"

"am i gonna be a good dad?" he whispers so quietly you could barely hear it, and you're just inches away from him. you sit up as best you can, staring down at him in disbelief.

"how on earth could you think otherwise?" you ask. "look at how you are with violet."

"yeah, but she was a big kid when i met her," he whispers still. "i've worked with kids her age for years. i've never been around a baby, let alone two, for more than a couple hours."

"well good thing you have me, super mom, by your side," you joke, but san groans, pulling your hand from caressing his neck to hold it over his chest. you can feel his heart racing as you flatten your palm over his soft t shirt, and you trace shapes over it to try and calm him.

"i'm being serious, y/n."

"and i'm being serious when i say you'll be great with the babies. i raised one, i know what it takes, and i swear i'm not joking. you're already great at anticipating mine and violet's needs, and that's most of what having a baby is about. you're loving, and nurturing, and easy to hold onto for a few hours," he blushes at this, "and that's another big part of having a baby. they're super clingy."

"like you?" he teases, and you pinch him. "ah!"

"i know you'll be great with the babies because you are a kind, smart, caring person. what you don't know, you'll figure out, and i'll be right next to you to help whenever you need it, mr. choi," you add, and you feel san's skin warm at the nickname, but he frowns anyway. "what? you're not convinced?"

"no, i just thought about it, and when are we gonna have a wedding?" he wonders. "do we still want to wait until the babies come, or will we be too exhausted now that there's two of them?

"that's a good question," you frown too, nuzzling into your pillow as your grogginess takes over. "we'll have to think about that another day. you woke me up from a nap."

"go to sleep, baby," san says, pulling you onto his chest. "thank you for what you said."

"i meant it," you say softly. "you are so capable, san. two babies aren't gonna take you down." he giggles, and it jostles you so bad you wince. "what's so funny?"

"sorry," he shakes his head. "just..the way you phrased that. now i'm thinking about me fighting two really big babies."

"oh my god," you groan, pushing away from him as you lay your head back on your pillow. "good night. wake me up when you mature ten years."

-

jen brought violet home from school that afternoon, and wooyoung tagged along just because. secretly he liked playing house and wondering what it would be like when he's ready to have kids, but if he admitted to that he would never hear the end of it. plus, he's too immature to have his own kid. he taught violet a song about farts on the ride home, so he's happy in his role as fun uncle.

san, ever the dad, reprimands wooyoung (and violet a little too) for the song as you tell jen about the doctor's appointment. violet has run off to her room, so it's just the adults now. san has an arm draped over your shoulders with jen on your other side, and wooyoung is in his own world in the armchair. jen's listening to you explain the visit while you keep the sonogram pictures just out of her reach. once you've said all you want to say, you hand her the pictures and wait.

"aw!" she squeals. "what am i looking at?"

"well there's one baby," you say, pointing to the first blob. "and there's number two."

"what?" jen and wooyoung's head both snap toward you. "number two?!"

"man, how strong is your sperm?" wooyoung asks, moving to perch on the armrest next to jen so he can see the sonogram himself.

"you're having two babies?" jen asks. "two? as in two babies?"

"two babies," you nod.

"you guys have to be the most fertile people on earth," she shakes her head in disbelief. "how did you have sex twice and get knocked up each time?"

"they've had sex way more than twice," wooyoung scoffs, looking at san to confirm, "right?"

"shut up man."

"so wait," jen says, pulling your attention back. "what about the wedding?"

"it's on hold," you shrug.

"no," san butts in. "it's changing. but it's not on hold."

"you know what i meant baby," you wave him off.

"still didn't like it," he mumbles, and you grab his hand on your shoulder and kiss it in apology. as you pull away you yawn so big it brings tears to your eyes, and you slump back into the couch with a whine. "you didn't sleep enough?"

"no, i did," you grumble. "i was like this with violet, i could sleep all the time and never feel rested."

"well we're here now," jen sits up. "what can we do so you and san can rest?"

"really?" you're skeptical, only because wooyoung looks unsure of being volun-told to help out.

"really."

"uh, san?" you turn to him. "what haven't you done today?"

"you could make dinner," he smiles. "and wear violet out a little more. she told me someone gave her a bunch of candy during dismissal?" he says this looking at jen, who pretends not to notice.

"so i'll be on violet duty, and you cook dinner?" she says to wooyoung, who reluctantly agrees. "great, get to it pal."

"what kinda food do you have?" wooyoung asks. "or are you craving anything?"

"we bought stuff for burgers this morning," san replies, following wooyoung into the kitchen despite this being time for him to rest too. "cook y/n's until there's no pink left, and no cheese-"

-

as you get further into the pregnancy, you're getting more and more used to the idea of twins. you're glad you ended up with two babies, because now san gets the full experience of having a kid. with one baby, you could use all of violet's hand-me-downs. with two, you need to buy a second set of everything, so san is going trigger happy with the shopping sprees. by the end of the first trimester, you're pretty sure san has bought two of everything from the baby store by your house, and you even think he's got a salesperson on speed dial.

he's late getting back from work one day, and you immediately know where he went. you're not surprised when he comes home, bags hanging from his hands with violet skipping behind him. she's got two baby dolls in her arms, and she slides into the kitchen to show you.

"mommy! look! i'm like you!" she beams. "i'm practicing holding two babies, daddy got me new dolls at the store, and some pretend diapers so i can practice changing them, and he got these cool walkie-talkies for their room so me and the babies can tell secrets..." she trails off as she goes to her room to get the dolls settled with the rest of her toys, leaving you staring at a sheepish san with a hand on your hip. you're totally showing now, the baby belly so big you've just given up on what to wear. you've got an old sweatshirt on, one of san's from college, but even that can't cover the bump. your stomach peeks out, and san's hands rub soothingly over it as he gets closer.

"they're not walkie-talkies, they're baby monitors," san says. "and i got the dolls because she looked pretty bummed at all the baby stuff i was buying. i felt like she needed to know some things are still about her."

"good call," you nod, giving him a kiss. "but did we need more baby stuff?"

"we needed the monitors," he pouts. "the ones you had from vi's baby days were so old i had to crank them to turn them on."

"shut up."

"and i figured we could always use more diapers," he concludes. "so that's why there's a lot of bags."

"and vi's two babies?" you ask, smoothing out a wrinkle in his shirt.

"i blame you for that," he points in your face, and you nip at his finger. "she looks up to you so much, she wouldn't leave without getting 'twims like mommy.' how could i say no to that?"

"that is pretty sweet," you sigh. "you hungry? i made dinner."

"yeah, let me just put this stuff in the twin's room," he says, kissing your cheek before he steps away. "i'll get violet too."

after dinner, you and violet play with her new baby dolls while san figures out the baby monitors. violet is so excited to be a big sister, and you love seeing her practice with the dolls. she's caring like san, cooing at the babies the same way san coos at violet. she's asking great questions too, wondering how she can help when the babies come. you tell her about diapers, feeding, and cleaning up toys, and she listens intently.

"you know what you can do now though?" you ask. she shakes her head, so you scoot closer to her and hold her hands as you go on. "you can talk to the babies. they can hear everything we say, so it's nice to say hi, tell them who you are, and just let them hear your voice."

"they can hear us?" she looks confused. "how?"

"i don't know, bug," you laugh, "but they can. i talked to you all the time when you were in my belly, and when you were born as soon as i said something you started looking for me. you recognized my voice, because you could hear me in here. so do you wanna try talking to the twins?"

"ok," she says, leaning down to cup her hands over your belly. she talks into her hands, and the vibrations makes you giggle. "hi babies!"

"tell them your name," you encourage her.

"i'm violet, your big sister," she says, then looks up at you. "what now?"

"that can be all," you shrug. "you can talk to them more when you have something else to say."

"ok!" she looks satisfied, and you catch movement from the corner of your eye. san is there, watching proudly.

"what are my favorite girls up to?" he asks.

"talking to the babies," you reply. "you wanna say something?"

"maybe later," he smiles. "it's somebody's bedtime."

"no!" violet whines.

"come on baby, let's get ready for bed," you say as you try to stand. you can't, so san rushes to help you up. "did you get the monitors set up?"

"yeah, it was easy," he shrugs. "you got bath time or you need my help?"

"i'll do the bath if you get the bedtime story," you reply. "i've got about ten minutes of energy left in me."

once violet is all clean and in her pjs, you give her a kiss goodnight and head back to your room. meanwhile, san sits down for what will most likely turn into about an hour's worth of bedtime stories, so you start to doze off as you wait for him to finish up. you faintly hear him come into the room, the sound of the shower waking you up. you roll over and see one of the baby monitors already on the nightstand, and you watch it for a moment, remembering the days of baby vi and looking forward to the new babies. you think you're imagining it at first, but you definitely see movement on the screen. you look at it scared, thinking irrationally that it might be a ghost. but you see tiny little violet standing there with her baby dolls in her arms. you turn the volume up to get a better idea of what's happening.

"what are you doing up, baby?" san asks, a towel around his waist as he steps out of the bathroom. you shush him, and he crawls onto the bed to see what you're looking at. he hooks his chin over your shoulder, humming when he realizes what he's looking at. that's when you both hear her.

"hi babies, it's me again," violet whispers. "i'm not supposed to be awake so i gotta talk fast. but i'm really excited to meet you. you're gonna love mommy and daddy too. they're really nice."

"i think i'm gonna cry," you whisper.

"i'm already there," san sniffles, rubbing his nose into your shoulder.

"gross!" you shriek, and he hushes you quickly.

"stop! she might hear you!"

"oh, look, she's doing something," you bring the screen closer, and you see violet place a baby doll in each crib.

"good night babies!" she whispers, shuffling out of the room and back to hers. you and san laugh when you hear her accidentally slam her door shut, and you sit in silence for a minute as you think about what you just watched.

"hey," san whispers, and you twist to meet his eyes. "i love our little family."

"me too," you whisper back.

-

when your doctor called a few weeks ago with the sex of the twins, you got an idea. you knew your friends would be throwing you a baby shower, so you thought it would be fun for everyone to find out together. you had your doctor email the results to jen, who insisted she wouldn't be able to keep the secret that long, but so far she and wooyoung haven't blabbed (because you know she told him as soon as she knew). they, along with some of your friends from college, have been planning the shower for a couple weeks now, but no one will tell you anything about it. you almost think they're not gonna have it, until san wakes up one weekend to find half of the people he knows just sitting in his living room.

"what the hell?" he asks groggily, finding wooyoung across the room. "you broke into my house?"

"jen has a key," woooyung replies, but that still doesn't explain the situation.

"what-why? why are you all here?" san looks around, suddenly glad he put more clothes on before leaving the bedroom.

"surprise?" jen says, appearing from the kitchen. "we wanted to throw you a surprise shower."

"but we knew about it already," san says as he wipes his eyes. "so it was never a surprise."

"exactly! we made it one!"

"by breaking into my house," san yawns. "so we're doing this now?"

"if that's ok?" jen says. "i talked to y/n about it and she said it was fine."

"oh i'm the only one who didn't know about it then."

"y/n knew it was happening today, she just didn't know when," jen points out.

"fine," san yawns again. "i'll go get her. but she's grumpy in the morning, so beware."

"tell her there's donuts from her favorite place, and i got her a tea latte she told me she likes," jen reports. "and there's other stuff from the diner you go to all the time."

"got it," san nods sleepily, shuffling back into the bedroom. he falls down onto the bed, jostling you awake. "baby. there's people in our house."

"what?"

"jen. she let a bunch of people into our house."

"....what?"

"we have to get up," san says as he rolls himself on top of you, holding himself up so he doesn't squish you or the babies. "now, baby."

"no. 'm tired."

"there's food."

"not hungry," you mumble, pulling san down so you can press your cheek to his. it leaves him in an awkward spot, wanting to cuddle you but not wanting to mess with your precious cargo.

"the sooner we go out there, the sooner they'll leave," san whispers into your ear.

"stop it, that's turning me on."

"oh?" san sits up with a smirk. "tell me more."

"no, help me up," you grumble. with a lot of effort, san gets you out of bed and helps you get dressed. against your protests, he insists on something that'll cover the bump at least while there are guests in the house. you do the same for him, finding the sweatshirt violet gave him that says 'i'm a rad dad' or something lame like that. san wears it with pride as he guides you back out to the party, friends you haven't seen in years stopping you for hugs or to uncomfortably touch your stomach. san keeps a protective eye on you while he looks around for violet, but he can't find her. where is that kid?

"there you are!" jen finds you, pulling you and san into a quick hug. "what took you so long? you knew we were coming."

"somebody didn't want to get up," san tattles.

"i am growing two humans inside of me," you state clearly. "sorry i needed the rest."

"whatever, come on," jen drags you to the kitchen. "we have breakfast."

"where's our kid?" you ask san, and he shrugs. "oh good, cool, house full of people and we don't know-"

"she's outside, crabby," jen cuts you off. "she and the other kids are helping me with some of the games. wooyoung went out there to supervise."

"but who's watching wooyoung?" san teases.

"violet," you and jen reply. she hands you a plate of food so full you're afraid it'll crack beneath the weight, but you've finally gotten over your morning sickness. this might be the first real breakfast you've eaten in months.

"bless you for this," you tell her. "thank you for throwing the shower."

"thanks for letting me have it at your house without you really knowing," she replies. "it won't be long, though, if you're not feeling up to a bunch of activity. mostly everyone has eaten, and the kids are almost done with the surprise outside. presents are in the babies' room, and everyone who brought diapers has already put them in your hall closet."

"can we do this every other month?" you ask through a mouthful of food. you watch san take a bite out of a pink frosted donut and turn to jen so fast it makes her jump.

"what's wrong with you?"

"the pink donuts," you point out. "it's two girls, isn't it?"

"what? no, you just like strawberry donuts, you weirdo," jen replies. "we'll do the boy or girl thing outside."

"did you get one of those baseballs that i can hit with the dust inside? i always wanted to do that," san says excitedly.

"that would've been nice to know earlier," jen says.

"eh, next kid then," san jokes.

once you're sufficiently stuffed, an excited violet sneaks in from the backyard and whispers something to jen. you see them across the room, and then jen calls everyone's attention. she says everyone but you and san can go outside, and you watch as they all trickle into the yard. there's sounds of surprise, some cheers, and even one squeal. you and san are confused, but violet and jen can't keep the smiles off their faces. you approach violet, bending down as best you can, and pinch her nose.

"you're keeping a secret again, aren't you?" you ask her, and she replies by shaking her head so hard her ponytail falls out. you help her fix it as jen explains the next part of the shower.

"so we've set up some games outside," she says. "and some blue or pink decorations. you'll be able to know as soon as you go out there, so you need to let me and vi walk out first, then i'll call for you to follow. got it?"

"i don't like when you go into teacher mode," you mumble.

"you asked for this," she replies. "am i understood?"

"yeah."

"good," she smiles and grabs violet's hand. they walk out together, keeping the door pulled as best they can to stop your prying eyes. you're left alone with san long enough to lace your fingers with his, squeezing his hand tightly before asking him, "you nervous?"

"no," he shakes his head. "i am so, so excited."

"come out!" you hear jen yell. you look to san, your free hand on the door, and he gives you an encouraging nod. you pull the door open but shut your eyes, and you walk into the backyard with san by your side. you only open your eyes when you hear a choked cry from san, and you understand why when you open your eyes.

you see your friends, your family, your beautiful daughter, surrounded by what seems like thousands of streamers. pink streamers. and blue, too.

"a boy and a girl," you turn to san, blinking away tears.

"just like you said. how did you know?" he asks in disbelief.

"it felt right," you reply. san's hands are rubbing over your stomach, and you feel something. "whoa."

"what was that?" san asks, his excitement only growing. "was that a kick?"

"baby girl or baby boy was saying hey," you nod, lifting your shirt regardless of the people around you so you and san can each place a hand over the babies. you feel a little kick beneath your hand followed by another near san, and you jump a little bit. "they're kicking! did you feel that?"

"oh my god," san breathes out. "i can't believe it. we're gonna have two babies."

"two babies that like to party, apparently," you comment, noticing that they haven't stopped wiggling since someone turned some music on. "they're gonna be trouble."

"they'll be perfect," san shakes his head, a sweet look in his eyes. "a boy and a girl! this couldn't be more perfect."

-

the twins are due any day now, and while you're about to burst because of the babies, san is gonna burst because of excitement. he was attentive before, but damn. now that your due date is looming, he's texting you every hour asking some variation of "are they here yet?"

your due date is actually two days from now, on wednesday, but san convinced you to start your maternity leave today. you've been trying to take a nap for the past hour, but you can't get comfortable enough. you wonder briefly if it's because san's not laying with you, but you don't think about that for too long. you get so uncomfy that you just give up, huffing your way to the living room so you can at least watch tv. as soon as you sit down, your phone starts to ring. it's san, calling on his lunch break.

"hey baby," he chirps when you answer. "how ya feelin?"

"like i'm nine months pregnant with twins."

"did you eat lunch yet? you sound hangry."

"no, i'm feeling nauseous again," you mumble as you move around on the couch. "i thought i was gonna get sick after my breakfast, so i'm not eating for a while to be safe."

"is that good for you and the babies, though?" he asks. "maybe you feel nauseous because you haven't eaten. the twins are basically sucking your life force right now, so you need more than a pop tart for breakfast."

"how did you know-"

"you want me to order something for you?" he asks, but you shake your head even though he can't see.

"no, i'll make something," you reply. "i've got all this anxious energy waiting for the babies to come, doing something with my hands will help."

"don't overdo it though, baby," san warns. "me and vi will be home early today, remember? so leave your dishes for us."

"why are you leaving early?"

"teacher conferences," san answers. "i told you like three times this morning."

"i was asleep, babe."

"oh, well, we'll be home early," he chuckles. "it'll be like that for the next two days."

"great, so you can hover over me even more," you pretend to groan, but san can hear the smile through your words.

"aren't you lucky?" he teases. "ok, well i gotta go, tell the babies i love em."

"oh! that reminds me!" you almost shout. "i thought of a name!"

"really?" san smiles. "for the boy or for the girl?"

"not telling, you'll have to wait till you come home," you taunt him. "see you soon my love."

-

over dinner, you discuss potential baby names. you and san are in agreement that the boy should be named oliver, but you can't settle on a girl name to save your life.

"no, none of those will be cute with oliver," you shake your head as san reads off a list of baby names. violet sits to your side, silently munching on her dinner, but she looks deep in thought.

"yeah, but if we call him oli," san starts again, and you groan.

"babe, that's cute for a little kid, but i don't want our son to be a grown man still introducing himself with a nickname," you insist. "we need a name that sounds good with oli and with oliver."

"then you look," san says, passing the phone to you. "but i stand by my choice."

"these are pretty," you point to a few on the list, but san scrunches his nose. "what's wrong with them?"

"i didn't know you were giving birth to a grandma," san jokes, and you reach over the table and pinch him. "ouch!"

"what about ivy?" violet asks, and in the midst of your bickering with san you almost miss her little voice. "ivy and oli sounds good, but so does ivy and oliver."

"i love it, bug," san smiles brightly at her. he looks to you for your opinion, but he frowns when he sees you crying. "what's wrong?"

"it's perfect," you blubber out, waving him off as he tries to comfort you. "i'm fine. i'm hormonal."

"but you like the name?" san asks, and you nod as you blow your nose. "vi, how'd you come up with ivy?"

"it's everywhere at the park," she shrugs. "we went on a nature walk today, and i saw the place where we met mommy with the bench and the violets."

"when you proposed," you say quietly. "there was ivy in the clearing when you proposed."

"that's it then," san smiles. "the twins will be named ivy and oliver."

"now we all have v's in our names!" violet cheers, but you and san look confused.

"mommy and daddy don't," you point out.

"this isn't for you, it's just for the kids," violet shakes her head, and you share a look with san like you know you've gotten yourselves into trouble. imagine two more violets running around, how are you gonna manage the sass?

"well then, time for the kids to go to bed," san says, looking at you and vi. "that includes you, mama. babies need sleep."

"but i'm comfortable," you groan. "i don't wanna move yet."

"i'll help you," san leaps into action, wrapping his arm around you as he helps you stand while violet watches on.

"ew, mommy, did you pee your pants?" she giggles, pointing to your seat. you and san turn to see what she's talking about, and you feel the wind get knocked out of you as you realize what this means.

"oh shit," you breathe out, turning to san. "my water broke. i'm having the babies."

-

san precariously gets you and violet to the hospital where jen meets you shortly after. she's prepared to hang with violet in the waiting room or take her back home if this takes too long, but violet's insisting that she wants to stay the whole time.

"i don't wanna go home," she pouts after you tell her the plan. "i can't miss the babies!"

"she's right," jen says, "she can't miss the babies."

"this might take a while, bug," san tells her, but violet shakes her head. he looks to jen next and asks, "are you cool to stay the night? i can call my sister if-"

"if violet's staying, i'm staying," jen says with finality. "i brought blankets, she and i can share."

"knock knock!" your doctor appears at the door. "are we ready for the first check in?"

"we'll be in the waiting room," jen ushers violet out while san moves next to the bed and reaches for your hand. he holds onto it tightly as the doctor goes through the motions of checking everything. when she finishes she looks at you both and smiles.

"well, everything looks good so far, i'll be back in a little bit to see how you're doing," your doctor says. "if you need me, just hit the call button, but i think you're in good hands."

"i am," you look to san. once the doctor leaves, you cup his face and bring him down for a kiss. "how ya feelin', dad?"

"i'm freaking out," he whispers back. "how are you not freaking out?"

"i've done this before," you shrug. "i know it's not that bad."

"but i don't!" san yelps. "you're about to do something that should be physically impossible! then we're gonna have two babies! three kids that we're responsible for! what are we gonna do?"

"san, look at me." he stops and leans his forehead against yours. "it's gonna be fine. freak out, don't freak out, whatever, but all you gotta do is stay by my side and watch the birth of your twins. all the stuff after, we'll figure it out together. yeah?"

"ok," he whispers.

"you're still freaking out, aren't you?"

"no."

"do you want something to do?" you ask. "something to help distract you?"

"please."

"help me get to the bathroom," you whine, holding your arms out. that gets a smile out of him, and he leaps into action. he spends the next few hours waiting on you hand and foot, trying to keep his mind occupied while you wait for the babies. when the doctor finally says it's time, he does what you asked him to and stays by your side, ready to watch something magical happen.

-

despite having two babies, labor this time around is so much easier. you know it's all because of san. aside from waiting on your every need, just his presence is making this experience better. you can't believe you did this without him the first time. he's invested in every second, taking in every moment like he's never seen anything so spectacular. when the doctor says it's time for you to start pushing, you don't think you've ever seen him so happy. san stays by your side, holding a leg in place as you push. it's hell, but you make it through. it feels like forever, but before you know it, there's a baby about to come into the world.

"dad, you might want to watch this part," the doctor calls to san. he joins her, watching as the first baby is born. there are tears in his eyes as you hear the cries of a little baby, and you watch as they lift the squirming mess into the air.

"a girl," san breathes out. "our baby girl."

"hey ivy," you say softly, out of breath and voice hoarse. her little cries stop for a second, and you call her name again. she seems soothed by it, by your voice, so you keep talking to her as the nurses clean her up. it gives you a chance to breathe, to rest, and san rejoins you while keeping a stern eye on anyone touching his baby. they hand her to you first, and you hold her warmth close to your chest. san's hand cups her head before kissing it.

"hi ivy," he whispers. "i'm your dad."

"that's the annoying guy who sang to you every night," you whisper to the little baby, and san rolls his eyes.

"mommy liked it, don't listen to her," he whispers back. you could keep going, but the doctor's voice calls your attention.

"mom, are you ready to push again?" she asks, and you shake your head.

"one more minute," you whine, and she laughs.

"you know it doesn't work like that," she smiles. "you still have to meet your son."

"i'll take ivy," san says, scooping her tiny form into his big arms. he cradles her softly with so much love in his eyes. a nurse offers to take her, but he shakes his head vehemently. he hoists her into one arm and resets himself next to you, his strong arm holding your leg in place as the doctor instructs you to push again. soon you're holding your son, san next to you holding your daughter. the doctor and nurses have left to give you some time, but you jolt up in concern. san looks at you, scared, and asks, "what?! what's wrong? are you hurt?"

"where's violet? she needs to see the babies before they go to the nursery," you say, and immediately san is sliding ivy into your grasp. he runs into the waiting room, slowing his steps as he approaches jen and violet's sleeping forms. he kneels down in front of violet, stroking her hair softly to wake her up. she peeks an eye open, an eager look on her face when she sees her dad smiling in front of her.

"babies?" she asks, and all san has to do is nod before violet shoots out of her seat, bouncing in place as san takes her hand and leads you to your room.

"hey big sister," you greet her quietly. "c'mere." you scoot over in your bed, and san helps lift her into place. she leans over you with wonder in her eyes, her little hands clasped beneath her chin like she wants to touch them but is too afraid. "who do you wanna hold first?"

"ivy," she replies, then shakes her head. "no, oliver. no, both of them!"

"if you want to hold them both, then let daddy help you ok?" you ask her, and san lifts violet into his lap so he can sit next to you. he shows violet how to hold a baby by lifting oli into his arm, then passes him to violet. once she's got a good hold on her brother, san uses his legs to kind of cup violet in his grasp so she has enough support to hold ivy too. with the twins in her arms, she looks so proud. you and san watch her with stars in your eyes until violet's face screws up and you ask what's wrong.

"i think oli just farted on me," she scowls. "take him back."

"sugar, you're gonna have a hard time with the babies if you're grossed out by a little fart," you tell her.

"it wasn't little, it rumbled-"

"here, i'll take him," san laughs. he holds oliver while violet coos over ivy, and with your family happily by your side you slowly start to doze off. san notices when he hears you softly snoring, and he helps violet get up so they can place the babies in their cradles. san tells violet that the doctor needs to take the babies for a little bit, and he can take violet back out to the waiting room to go back to sleep if she wants.

"but i wanna stay with mommy," she pouts, looking just like you. it hits him then that while he's got two new babies, his first baby is growing up.

"alright," he concedes quickly, the exhaustion hitting him too. "you can get into bed with mommy. i'll go get the nurses so they can check on the babies."

when san comes back into the room, the emotions of the day hit him hard. he's got his family, finally. the babies are here, and his other babies are sound asleep, violet's little arms hugged tight around your neck. he walks around the bed, placing a kiss on violet's forehead and then yours. when he pulls back, he sees you staring at him, and he coos, "baby, you should be asleep."

"the boa constrictor woke me up," you joke, pointing to violet. "what are you doing?" you ask as you watch san settle in the uncomfortable hospital chair by your bed.

"i'm figuring out how to lay down," he answers, shuffling around, but you make a grabby hand for him. "baby, we can't all fit in that bed."

"yes we can," you say, holding onto violet and scooting to the far side of the bed. "see? san sized spot right here."

"you sure we'll be able to sleep like this?" he asks as he settles next to you anyway, your head finding its spot on his shoulder as you close your eyes.

"i could sleep on a bed of rocks as long as you're next to me," you mumble. "but if you're really uncomfortable-"

"no," san cuts you off, a blush warming his cheeks. "i'm good."

"good," you reply with a tired smile. "i love you, san."

"i love you more, y/n," he whispers into your hair, placing a kiss to the top of your head. "thank you for today. for our kids."

"thanks for having super sperm," you tease, and san pinches your hip in response.

"go to sleep, crazy lady."

-

life with san and your babies is bliss. yes, it's loud, it's exhausting, and your house is a mess, but you wouldn't have it any other way. san and violet love doting on the babies, and you love seeing your family so complete. every day though, san reminds you that it won't really be complete until you're married. sure, you've got the ring, but san keeps reminding you that there's a wedding to be planned. but with the babies, violet, your jobs, how are you supposed to add a wedding to all that?

you're trying to multitask, feeding the babies as you try to look at wedding venues on your phone. you've got oli on your chest, your shirt discarded beside you. you're at home, who cares if your tits are out? you've found a venue you like, so you're about to call for san when you look up to see him staring at you from the doorway.

"what are you doing?" you squint at him. "how long have you been standing there?"

"few minutes," he replies, staring at your chest.

"come on, stop," you blush. "you're embarrassing."

"and you're still hot," he finally pulls himself out of his trance. "need me to hold a baby? or a boob?"

"no, come look at this," you hand him your phone. "a venue for the wedding?"

"i like it," he nods. "is it nice enough though?"

"san, my love," you chuckle. "we can't get married in a castle."

"but you deserve it," he frowns, scrolling through the pictures more. "or maybe we make it into a trip? get married in the mountains?"

"or what if we elope and get it over with?" you groan, pulling oliver over your shoulder to burp him.

"get it over with?" san looks at you with concern in his eyes. he joins you on the bed, leaning over ivy to play with her hands as he continues. "i know we both want to get married as soon as possible, but i want you to have your dream wedding. when you were younger, what did you want your wedding to look like?"

"well if we're going by what i wanted as a kid, i'd be marrying prince eric from the little mermaid," you tease.

"is that why you always put that on for violet?" he looks back at you with fake hurt in his eyes.

"can we switch babies?" you ask. "ivy hasn't been fed yet."

"am i after her?" san jokes, and you kick him. "here you go," he says as he passes ivy to you. he takes oliver and starts bouncing him, getting happy giggles from your bundle of joy.

"don't shake him so hard he pukes," you warn san. "i don't want baby vomit on our bed."

"violet asked if she could sleep in the twin's room tonight, by the way," san looks at you. "she's obsessed with them."

"what did you tell her?"

"that the babies wake up a lot, so if she's in there she won't get any sleep," san explained. "but then she said she'd be just like us, so."

"what if we let her sleep in our room?" you offer.

"what about our alone time?" san pouts. "i had plans for tonight."

"what's gotten into you?" you laugh. "you're hornier than usual today."

"sorry if i wanna love on my wife," san mumbles.

"still not your wife, baby," you say as ivy finishes up. "since you don't wanna elope, we gotta wait."

"when you say elope, what do you have in mind? we run away in the middle of the night and get hitched?"

"kinda," you shrug. "that, or we go to the courthouse. we can get married now, have the wedding later."

"i'll think about it," san says. "but no prince eric at either one."

-

that night, you and san let violet sleep in your room. she lays cocooned between you both, clinging to the blankets as you and san take turns to check on the twins. it's the best sleep you've had in weeks, and you wake up to find san staring at you from across the bed. he winks when he catches you awake, that mischievous glint in his eyes that you love so much.

"what?" you ask. "is my bedhead bad or something?"

"no," he shakes his head. "i want to marry you today."

"what?" you ask again, sitting up. "you're crazy."

"you're the one that wanted to do it now!" san whines. "what made you change your mind?"

"what made you change your mind?" you ask. "i thought you wanted a wedding."

"i want to be married to you," san replies. "don't care how. i just want it to be soon. now. today."

"today?" you confirm, and san nods. "well, let's get the babies. and jen. and wooyoung! they can be our witnesses."

"why are you guys talking so much," violet mumbles between you. "it's early."

"vi, wake up," you tussle her hair and she groans.

"bug, we're getting married today," san whispers to her, and her eyes snap open.

"FINALLY!" she shouts, and you both laugh. "mommy, what dress are you wearing?"

-

that afternoon, you married the love of your life. it took you long enough, right? it was years in the making, but it didn't come a moment too soon. as you stood there, one baby in your arms, another wrapped in san's, with your beautiful daughter standing between you, you knew this was the wedding meant for you. you and san have created a life together that you've both always dreamed of. you wouldn't want it any other way.

as you leave the courthouse, you can't stop smiling. jen and wooyoung walk ahead of you, violet standing between them as she blabbers on about something. you and san are holding a baby each, your free hands intertwined. he looks at you smiling, a question on his lips.

"what next, mrs. choi?" he asks, and you shrug.

"whatever you want, mr. choi," you reply. "we've got nothing but time."

[heavyhitterheaux]

Drive Safe Part 3

First Lady of Private Garden Fic

AN: Our wild ride has come to an end 🥹😘

Synopsis: You confront your best friend for what she did to you behind your back all while trying to make sense of your future with Jack. The ultimate question is, are you willing to give your ex-husband another chance?

Pairing: Ex-husband!Jack Harlow x Ex-wife!Reader

Read Part 1 and Part 2 first

Please Do Not Repost My Content Anywhere

After hearing Taylor confess what you had heard Jack tell Urban left you in a daze. So, he in fact was telling the truth, however your best friend or someone who you thought was your best friend went behind your back and betrayed you. Never did you think that in a million years that she would do something like this and try to play innocent and continue on with life as usual as if nothing happened.

“Y/N, I know you're pissed at me and for good reason and I know I shouldn't have done it and…”

You immediately cut her off.

“Let me ask you something. Did you honestly think that you could do that and ultimately get away with it? Yes, me and him have our issues but stepping out on one another because of a disagreement has never been a reality. No matter how mad at each other we are. Bottom line, you took advantage of him being in a vulnerable stage. Even if I am still very mad at him, I'm going to defend him when someone does him wrong. And in this case, you were in fact… wrong.”

“I…”

“I thought that at least you were one of the last people I could count on to have my back, but low and behold you wanted my man for yourself. Everyone has treated me like shit since this first happened and since obviously my feelings don't matter to you or anyone else, there's nothing left for me to say. We are done here and you can forget about being their godmother. Lose my number and do not call me again for as long as you live.”

“Wait, just….. we're throwing our friendship away over a mistake I made? I confessed and I apologized. I don't know what came over me to do that and deep down I knew it wasn't right. But I just….”

“A mistake you hid from me for damn near two years and it wasn't a mistake actually. I had my suspicions, but I was trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, thinking no, there's no way in the world that my best friend would do that to me. You were in your right mind and knew what you were doing. And to think I trusted you. I've told you things In confidence that I have never told anyone else and you just….I need to leave. And you can pick up the tab since you want to be kissing other people's husbands.”

“It’s never going to happen again, I don’t want to lose you as a friend.”

“You've already lost me as a friend from the moment you tried to kiss Jack. It's not going to happen again, because you are going to stay as far away as possible from us. Did you really think that I would forgive you for doing something like that to me? You broke my trust and that is not something that cannot be repaired overnight. Oh, and one last thing, I knew what you did for months now and was just simply waiting for you to confess.”

Taylor was sitting there absolutely stunned and unable to speak. And it looked as if her eyes were starting to water.

“Didn't think it was going to take this long, but here we are. I'm taking my food to go and have the day you deserve. And you can save your tears for someone who actually cares.”

Without another word, you slid back from the table and went to the front of the restaurant to let them know that you wanted your order to go and that Taylor would be paying for it. 

Once you got outside in your rental car, the tears started to roll down your face. You were proud of yourself, but also hurting. You felt that at this point, you didn't have anyone anymore and you simply wanted to go back home to Louisville or Atlanta rather and be away from it all. Because Atlanta was the only place where you felt that your life actually made sense. Louisville held too many memories for you and every single one of them had to do with Jack. 

You had gotten back to the beach house in record time and stared at your phone contemplating if you were going to call Jack or not to let him know that you had talked to Taylor. Making your way inside, you sat everything down in the kitchen before making your way upstairs to the bedroom since your desire to eat anything was now gone. You picked up your phone and then shook your head and placed it on the dresser before the tears started falling again.

If you knew the shitstorm that would happen when Jack asked for you to marry him, you probably would have never done it. But who were you kidding? You knew deep down that you still would have said yes despite what was going on around you at the present moment. Did you see yourself marrying him again? Only time would be able to tell. The most important thing that you needed to focus on right now was trying to heal. 

Jack played with his phone in his hands contemplating calling your older sister, Danielle, but had a strong feeling that she wouldn't want to hear anything that he had to say.

But he had to try.

He was willing to do absolutely anything to get you to forgive him and get him to marry him again. Even though you told him that marriage was definitely off the table, in the back of his mind and deep down he knew that if he wasn't able to get married to you again that he wouldn't get married again at all. You were the love of his life and he ruined it.

Before he backed out, he quickly hit her number to call her as his heart was damn near beating out of his chest.

And now he was hoping she didn't answer. 

But luck wasn't on his side and she did.

“Hello?”

“Dani, it's Jack.”

“I know. I have something called caller id on my iphone.”

“Umm….”

“What do you need?”

“Um, for your little sister to stop ignoring my calls and talk to me.”

All Dani did was scoff before responding.

“And you think that you deserve to talk to her after what you did?” Dani asked and now Jack was starting to regret ever picking up the phone to call her.

“Dani, she's pregnant.”

“I am aware. I was there when she took the test. What's your point?”

“Dani, please. I just want her to talk to me so she can hopefully forgive me and we can get back together.”

“Jack, I told you to do one thing when it came to her. ONE. Do you remember what that was?”

“Take care of her.”

“Hmm, and did you do like I asked?”

“Well…”

“No. You didn't. Instead you hurt my baby girl and quite frankly, I’m surprised she stayed with you as long as she did. That girl LOVES you and would do anything for you, but instead you let your little fame get to your head. As much as she would call me crying all times of the night over you, you honestly think you deserve to be in a relationship with her again?”

“I know I've messed up and that I've hurt her, but all I want to do is make it right. I don't want anyone else or be married to anyone else. I didn't even want to sign the divorce papers!”

All Dani did was sigh before responding.

“You better listen to me and listen to me good. I will do what I can, but it is ultimately her decision. If she gets back with you, fine. I'll support it. If she doesn't, I'm also going to support it. But one thing I'm not going to tolerate is you disrespecting her. That is the mother of three of your big headed children so give her the respect she deserves. She's in Miami and I'm going to check on her so I'll do my best to see if she’ll talk to you. No promises.”

“That's literally all I ask.”

“But if she says no, unless it has to do with your unborn children, you better leave her the fuck alone.”

Not realizing that you fell asleep after confronting Taylor, you woke up to see that it was dark outside and had no clue what time it was. Grabbing your phone and wincing from the light as you put your password in, you saw that it was around nine at night.

Sighing to yourself, you threw the comforter away from your body to make your way downstairs to come face to face with your older sister who was currently sitting in the living room and scrolling away on her phone. 

Hearing your footsteps come up behind her, she quickly greeted you.

“Lil Bit, I thought you were going to sleep until next week.”

“Uh? What are you doing here?” You sleepily asked as you rubbed your eyes.

“Don't you think I know when you need me?”

“I'm fine.”

“Are you?” She asked as you came to sit across from her.

You wanted to say yes, that you were indeed in fact fine, but the words just weren't coming out. Instead, something else did.

“I miss him and I HATE myself for feeling like this.” You breathed out while wrapping your arms around yourself.

“It's not like it was a one night stand. You two were MARRIED. And have known each other since you two were fourteen. That doesn't go away overnight. There's going to be ups and downs with healing from that. It isn't linear.”

“But I'm just so MAD at him for what he did. No matter how much he tries to take it back and apologize, what's done is done. And that song felt like a legit slap to the face.”

“He's not perfect, but neither are you. He definitely could have gone about it a different way, but what's done is done and the only thing you can do is move forward from it.”

“He called you, didn't he?” You asked as you were eyeing Dani.

“Maybe, maybe not.”

“DANIELLE….”

“He did and in not so many words, begged for me to convince you to talk to him and to stop ignoring his calls.”

“And? What did you tell him?”

“After I threatened him, I said that I would try to convince you, but no promises. He has a show in Miami in two days so I figured you two can talk then. If you want to, that is.”

“I don't know If I want to.” You answered being completely honest. 

“You said you missed him.”

“I miss a lot of things, but I've learned to adjust.”

“You aren't adjusting. You're avoiding it.”

“I don't remember asking for a therapy session.”

“Look, I get that you're hurting and want to take some time for yourself, but you cannot keep this bottled up because you are legit going to explode.” 

“What are people going to say if I take him back?”

“Who gives a flying fuck? That's your business and no one else's. Two people would be in that relationship and not the entire world.”

“But he legit disrespected me multiple times.” 

“Y/N, if you are looking for me to tell you what to do, it’s not going to happen. In the end, this has to be a decision that you have to live with. No one else. Just know that whatever you decide, I will support you 100%.”

Before you answered her, you simply sighed.

“What venue is he performing at on Saturday?”

—-

Saturday finally rolled around and you had been on edge for the entire day. The time for you to leave was inching closer and closer and you were seriously about to back out of it altogether. Taking a deep breath, you gave yourself a once over in the floor length mirror at your black dress that you were wearing along with a pair of your Steve Madden sandals and was satisfied with how the outfit came together. You had straightened your hair earlier in the day, so the only thing left to do was to confront him.

You had been confronting a lot of people lately and wanted for this to be the end of it.

Dani volunteered to go with you and the two of you rode in silence to the venue with her taking quick glances at you to see that you were scrolling on your phone from time to time. Once the two of you arrived and made your way inside, Jack was already on stage and Urban had quickly spotted the two of you.

“Hi Urby.” You said as he engulfed you in a bear hug.

“Hey, didn’t know you were coming tonight.”

“I didn’t know either until two days ago.”

“He’ll be happy to see you. Come this way so I can take you two backstage so you can watch from the side.”

“Hmm, we’ll see if that still rings true after I talk to him.”

All Urban did was hold his hands up in defense before shrugging since he knew that you were just about at your wits end with everything that had been going on. 

You and Dani quickly followed behind Urban and since everyone recognized you, you were able to get backstage with no problem. But you also knew in the back of your mind that your so-called ex-best friends were probably there as well, right along with Neelam. And of course she had spotted you.

“Y/N?”

“The one and only unless there’s another one that I don’t know about?” You quickly said to her as Dani stifled a laugh.

“Can we…?” She started to say, but you immediately cut her off.

“No. I’m here for one person and one person only. If I wanted to talk to any of the rest of you, I would have told you. I’ll let you know when I’m ready whenever that time comes.”

“I.. fair enough. You both can come over here to watch him from the side.”

It took less than five minutes for Jack to spot you standing on the side and he got the biggest smile on his face and you simply gave him a tight lipped smile in return. You did your part of willing to open the lines of communication, but if it was something that you didn’t want to hear, you were immediately going to cut it off.

Once his set was over, he quickly jogged off the stage towards you and opened his arms for a hug which surprisingly you actually returned.

You had missed this feeling. 

“Can we go somewhere and talk?” You asked him and he quickly nodded as he led the two of you to his dressing room.

Once the door was closed, you let him have it. 

“Babe? Is everything okay? What are you doing here? And I mean that in the best way possible.”

“Don't call me that, Jackman. You lost the privilege to do so. But let’s just cut to the chase shall we? You called Dani to get me to talk to you so here I am. Now onto my most pressing question, why didn't you tell me what Taylor did?” 

Jack, obviously taken aback, cleared his throat before answering you. And all he did was rock back and forth on his heels before sighing.

“Because I didn't think you would believe me if I had told you when it originally happened.”

“But not to say anything at all? You were supposed to protect me, we're supposed to protect each other! I had the fakest person under my nose for the longest and you said NOTHING.”

“I…. I didn't know what to do. You already didn't want to be bothered with me and I didn't want to create an even bigger mess. Wait, she told you?”

“Yes and kept asking me before she did if you had said something to me first.”

“I'm sorry, and I know that I should have. I would never cheat on you no matter how mad I might be. You mean too much to me for me to do that.”

“Hmm, your actions lately say otherwise. You hurt me with that shit you pulled and should have come and talked to me.”

“I know and I don't have an excuse for it. I just wish we could start over and just forget that any of this ever happened.”

“Do you honestly think that you deserve another chance?”

“Dani legit said the same thing.” He mumbled before taking a seat next to you and grabbing your left hand which was still decorated with your wedding ring. Except it wasn’t on your ring finger.

He began to play with it as he was waiting for you to say something.

“How do I know that something like this won’t ever happen again?” You asked and that was when he finally looked up at you.

“Because we’re going to communicate better and be honest with each other about how we’re feeling. That was my biggest downfall.”

“Hmm.”

“And I need to put you first. You were the one who was with me when I had absolutely nothing and I lost sight of that. Anytime I needed you, you were there but I didn’t give you that same treatment in return.”

“I want to believe you, I really do because I miss you, but… I just don’t know.”

“Y/N, please. Things are going to be different this time.”

“Maybe, but I don’t know if I’m at that point where I want to find out or not.” You answered being completely honest.

“Well, how long do you think that will take? You know I’m willing to wait. I legit do not want anyone else.”

“Only time will tell.” You shrugged while looking at him.

When he didn’t say anything else, you simply let go of his hand and began to get up.

“Wait, where are you going?”

“I did what you asked and I came and heard what you had to say, did I not?”

“Yes, but…”

“And now I’m leaving.”

“Baby girl, just…”

“Just, what, Jack? Just what? You said your piece and I’ve said mine. When I’m ready to take you back, you’ll know.” 

“I love you and I want this. I want us.” He said as he grabbed your hand and squeezed it.

“Yes, you’ve made that very clear and you’ve done it more than once.”

“At least just spend the night with me, let me take you out.”

“Maybe some other time. I’m pretty tired. I am pregnant, the last time I checked.”

“Okay, I get that. Some other time then.”

Jack then stood up and gave you another long embrace as he leaned down to kiss your forehead.

You then felt him cup your cheek and knew he wanted to kiss you. You wanted to kiss him too, but you definitely weren’t letting him back in that easily.

Instead of meeting his lips with yours, he met your cheek since you had turned your head and you heard him sigh.

“When I fully forgive you, you can give me as many kisses as your heart desires, but until then I need you to remember something for me.”

“What is it?

“Remember one thing, I'm not your girl.” You whispered against his lips before smirking and laughing to yourself as you made your way to the door of the dressing room.

“Drive Safe tonight, Jackman.” Was the last thing you said before you disappeared on the other side of the door leaving him absolutely speechless.

[ladyloveandjustice]

List of "Does it Like Women" Results and whether I agree

I find the "Does it like women" blog fascinating, as y'all have probably noticed. I always tend to think deeply about this topic when I consume media, so I wanted to make a list of results I disagree with, because it interests me! I'll likely be updating this through reblogs if my interest doesn't wane, I'll make a note in the replies when I do!

Loves Women

I agree with all of these so far! Well, loves women might be a little bit of a stretch for the first Spiderverse movie (on the other hand...doc ock...hnnn), but I think the second does so yeah basically agree.

Likes Women

Kill la Kill- Man it's 2013 again and I'm seeing tumblr make powerpoints about how klk is deeply feminist and it's actually a super deep critique of harassment that Ryuko has to wear the ugliest outfit ever and Westerners Don't Understand (person making this argument is inevitably a Westerner).

Yeah, based on the part I've seen and everything I've heard, hard disagree. But I have not seen the whole thing, just those three, I do know the part I saw included rape jokes a plenty, a weird victim-blamey take on "not being ashamed" of being forced into a skimpy outfit and how if you're bothered by men ogling you that's your weakness, and a vagina wedgie. I'm not as mad about it as I was back then,and I can appreciate the show has it's good points later on. Not having watched it also means my knowledge is incomplete. However, I have listened to really in depth breakdowns of the series (mainly Anifem's podcast), so I know exactly what happens, and yeah, the treatment of women doesn't impress me. I'm on the dislike side, (holding back on hates because again, haven't seen all of it)

...could understand mixed feelings though, I guess

Fullmetal Alchemist 2003 anime- nahhhh man, it doesn't like women, treating them significantly worse than the manga it adapted. I have a lot of issues, from how thoroughly it shafted Winry, to how it gave Riza nothing, to Dante being every cliche about a female villain they could fit in here, the treatment of Rose leaving a horrible taste in my mouth (I see arguments of what happened to her being a critique of imperialism, however I have yet to see anyone justify why the show had to continue to have her kidnapped and assaulted and treated as an afterthought after that) and some truly rancid one-off episodes.

I break down my problems with it at the end of the little FMA 2003 liveblog I did, though it's phrased super obnoxiously because I wrote it...oh my god twelve years ago oh god I'm crumbling to dust as we speak. But I break down the basics with the "top gross things" post I did (ignore any thoughts on race I had no place writing bout that tbh). The tag anime: turn your zombie mom into ethanol also goes into more of my thoughts, though again, very obnoxious and the deeper you dig the more ancient and obnoxious it will get lmao.

I have several ancient posts on how it treated Winry in particular, as she was my fave and was done so dirty, and I think they hold up fairly well. Here's a post I made about the Winry-Roy plotline, and a good response by another user. Then we have this post, ignore horrible art.

(Please don't try to spark a debate with any of this stuff, it's years and years old, I went through so much drama and legit panic attacks, and I'm not committed anymore. Love 2003 and think it likes women if you want, that's fine! I'm just trying to illustrate what I mean in saying imo it dislikes women).

The Handmaiden- This poll reminded me to finally get around to watching this movie, and I'm so glad I did! I'd go with "loves women" for this one actually,The nos must either be misclicks or people who don't understand that two women having sex on screen is not the same as the male gaze.

Madoka- I'd definitely go more towards mixed feelings honestly (especially if we're counting Rebellion) but I get the people who say "likes".

Yuri is my Job- it loves women, it loves messy women, it loves women who love women, it loves them so much, idk why it got a sizeable no vote. People who only watched the first ep? People who think yuri is "bad"?

Mob Psycho 100- Someone in the notes says "accidentally likes women" and that's the only answer in the "likes women" area I'll accept. It has 10 million prominent male characters and like three prominent female characters. ONE really really obviously has a hard time imagining women as powerful or action heroes. (this is reflected in One Punch Man too) (One Punch Man actively hates women and queer people though, Mob is infinitely better) Only one who ever gets to fight and play with the boys, and she's a low level mook, and we have to spend 75% percent of her limited screentime on whether it's actually okay to fight women, with her winning argument being "Well you're literally a child so I guess it evens out" (???) The little girl with the evil dolls gets even less screentime.

I do like that the series examines how Mob idealized Takane and how people not caring about the real her made her tired, as well as how it allowed her to reject Mob and was basically a lesson in the importance of accepting rejection. But her screentime is also really limited, and I feel like we could have dove into her a lot more. Tome is a wonderful weird girl and I liked her little arc, and I hear she gets more in the Reigen manga, but still not a TON of screentime, and even with her there are a couple jabs about how she doesn't "count" as a girl due to not acting traditionally feminine we're clearly supposed to find funny. Emi is...there I guess. There's that sweet scene with the writer girl, and the bully girl, but they're like, not reoccurring at all, as evidenced by how I can't remember their names.

And uh. the girls school episode.

Anyway. Hot take but I don't think "they're barely in the story but when they are two of them are treated pretty decently and have some depth, though there is some weird stuff about whether women can even fight men or whatever" really counts as "likes women". I'd go more mixed feelings.

Life is Strange-out of the two options I chose dislikes, but my feelings are a lot closer to "mixed feelings". I go into why here.

Gushing Over Magical Girls- lol. lmao even. The anime about middle school girls who look 8 sexually assaulting other middle school girls DEFINITELY doesn't like women. I go into more detail here.

Cowboy Bebop: Mixed feelings, probably. I chose dislikes because yes, Faye and Ed are great (you could def read Ed as nb though), but Faye also is repeatedly damsel in distress'd and treated as incompetent in her field when I don't think she should be, she can be a failgirl without being the sole woman in the action side of the group and also the least capable (there's also That Scene in the movie). also i just. it's fine that she's sexy but I hate her outfit. give her something nicer looking, it's so ugly. But my main reason for a dislike vote is the treatment of Julia. Girl is a textbook example of fridging. They really gave her so little. But yeah I could see mixed feelings.

Also do you remember that one scene during Faye's tragic backstory where she's hospitalized and the camera requires us to look down her super (painful looking? like idk how she's not screaming about it) squished boobs during this tense and important moment god that took me out. whenever anyone acts like Faye always owns her sexiness and the camera never does anything I remember that scene.

Ranma 1/2: I've seen read a good chunk of it, and this result is...surprising. Maybe by the standards of 80's manga though, who knows.

Better Call Saul- I did vote yes on this one, but I'd put it more at mixed feelings. Kim is a fantastic character, but there aren't enough women on the show at all. She's a major part of the show, but basically the only one of any note. I only voted yes because I finally remembered Francesca was a reoccurring character and she's all right, but the fact I had to think to remember...

Undead Unluck: I know it gets a lot better later but I'm not sure if a work that has it's female character continuously and comically sexually harassed for the first few chapters can ever get liking women privileges. I don't know enough about it but it might be a mixed feelings situation.

Akiba Maid War: tbh I'd probably give this 'loves women'.

Ducktales: For the second season specifically I'd say "loves women". The first season leans more towards 'like women' though, so it evens out.

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend- Should be "loves women" but people are ridic and voted based on the title.

Mixed Feelings

Dracula- IIII definitely think it dislikes women, sorry guys. Mina is a great character and you do have to take it in the context of when it was written. But there are surely contemporaries of Bram Stoker that wouldn't have randomly gone out of their way to scoff at the "New Woman". Not to mention again, really random sidebars about how men are so much smarter and cooler and women should be grateful to them. I could go on about Lucy and how Mina is treated and whether that's a critique of sexism or just playing into it and how it's so open to interpretation but I'll stop here.

also the book is hugely anti- Romani, immigrant etc and I think that ties into disliking women since some women are those Romani and immigrants

It really really felt like a case where a lot of people in the Drac Daily tag just wanted it to be super feminist because they liked it (you can like things without having to make them feminist! it's fine!), and the way they scoffed at feminist scholars who had "surface level readings" of the text (aka they dared to say it was sexist) still leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

The Lego Movie: dislikes women. what are y'all on. Even it's own sequel calls it out for disliking women. Wildstyle is basically the only woman with real characterization and she's the purest concentration of "hypercompetent woman must play second fiddle to Average Male loser who is the one who actually saves the world and also she falls in love with him because of course she does'. Then Wonder Woman got one line (in literally the first theatrical move she got to even be in) and Superman and Batman a lot of screen time.

Does not like

Scott Pilgrim- Don't get this result, I'd put it at likes or mixed feelings? It's literally about how Scott has weird issues with women where he doesn't see them as to full people they are, and it calls him out on that hard. The whole sixth volume is how he made up a damsel in distress scenario for Kim and always took her for granted, how he put all the blame on Envy for the end of their relationship when he played a huge role in that, Knives finally getting over him, moving on, and telling him he needs to grow up a little (highlighting how his grossness towards her was him refusing to accept that he was an adult now, and that he was horrible to her, and yes he does apologize), and accepting that he and Ramona are both messed up people and she's just as flawed as he is, taking down the pedestal he put her on. And having Ramona triumphantly confront her abuser. Scott acknowledges he has a lot in common with Gideon, the supervillain!

Roxy is a sticking point, the whole 'it was a phase thing' and her and Ramona's relationshipbeing unexplored was annoying (fixed in Takes Off) but even she had some moments of pathos and was definitely the (Ramona's) ex the story seemed to sympathize with the most.

I dunno. this seems like a tumblr lacks media literacy thing again. Did you think the narrative agrees with Scott. Did you only watch the movie.

Succession- I'd go more mixed feelings? Dislikes is fine, I think it doesn't have enough women and often privileges male characters over them, but sometimes it's examination of the sexism Shiv faces is really incisive, and she's a complex character. But she should have gotten that abortion.

Watchmen: hates women actually. Pretty much anything written by Alan Moore does.

Persona 4: I think it hates women actually. But dislike is fine too.

Merlin: Everything I've heard about the show puts in in the hates camp rather than dislikes, but i never watched it (I did watch this video on it, and the bootlicking is out of this world if it's accurate) so I can't really comment

Fables: I cannot fathom how this did not get "hates women". Not just the fact it's written by a known misogynist. I will always remind everyone that I was literally there to see Bill Willingham say the female fans protesting the misogynist treatment of Stephanie Brown were annoying and he wishes he could shoot them. I was there. I heard him. This attitude completely shows up in his work. On top of that, his conservative, women hating idealogy all over this comic. Do you not remember all the random abortion soapboxes and how hard Snow White got sidelined????

And when I refreshed my memory, I discovered the reason Snow White had kids when she didn't want to was because a spell made her have sex with the male lead and she didn't even remember that happening. I also forgot that her backstory was the seven dwarfs raped her (but then she murdered them! Girl Power!) This is only the tip of the iceberg, I rediscovered way too many screwed up things he did to his female characters. Plus blatant Zionist propaganda and a ton of racism.

Like Snow White's backstory was some dark and edgy rape revenge and she's an Empowered Woman now, only to have her be raped by the man she will marry (in a mutual rape) but we don't call it that, and now she has kids she doesn't want, she can't get an abortion because It's Evil, time to quit her job she's proud of and move to a farm to have six kids.

iCarly-- It hates women! Dan Schneider. That should be all we need but some people in the comments insisted on separating the art from the artist despite the fact the artist is ALL OVER the art, and said art directly tormented Jeanette McCurdy! There was so much content in the show that was there to specifically torment her-- the fact her character has a food addiction/eating disorder while she had a real life eating disorder and they had to have known this, the fact after hearing she had a crush on an actor then they wrote it into her character to humiliate her, the fact they continually sexualized her while knowing her discomfort with it and with her body-- I have also watched the exhaustive basically minute-by-minute breakdown by QuintonReviews. Some gross shit happens on that show.

Hates Women

Agree with all of these so far!

[starlitmelanin]

ᡣ𐭩ྀི escapism; a.tchouaméni

pairing - aurélien x fem!reader

word count - 3k

warnings - mentions of alcohol/heavy drinking. implications of sex, nothing explicit.

summary - when your relationship ends abruptly, you don't have time to process the heartbreak. instead, you put on your little black dress, go out on the town, and find yourself a distraction.

it was supposed to be just another night, another argument that would blow over like all the rest. but when he sat you down, his expression more serious than you'd ever seen, you felt something shift in the air, something cold and final.

"we need to talk."

those words, so simple and so devastating, hung between you like a glass waiting to drop. you knew what was coming, could see it in the way he couldn't quite meet your eyes, in the way he sighed like he was about to do something he'd regret.

"i can’t do this anymore, y/n," he said, his voice heavy with regret but firm, like he'd made up his mind and there was no going back. "we're over."

the words hit you like a punch to the gut, knocking the wind out of you, leaving you reeling. for a moment, you just sat there, staring at him, waiting for him to say something, anything, that would make it all make sense. but he didn't. he just sat there, looking at you like he was waiting for you to understand, to agree, to make it easy for him.

but there was nothing easy about this. your heart felt like it was being torn apart, ripped to shreds, and you wanted to scream, to cry, to beg him to stay, to fight for what you had. but you didn't. you couldn't. because even as the pain surged through you, a numbness settled in, a protective layer that kept you from breaking down right there in front of him.

"okay," you said, the word hollow, emotionless, like it wasn't even you saying it. you stood up, walked away, and didn't look back.

you didn't cry. not then, not after. you wouldn't let yourself. instead, you did the only thing you could think of to keep from feeling the pain—you numbed it. the bottle became your closest companion, its contents a temporary bandaid for the wound that still felt too fresh, too raw.

that's how you found yourself out on the town, dressed in a little black dress that hugged your curves just right, your makeup flawless, your hair done up perfectly. you looked good, and you knew it, but it wasn't about feeling good. it was about not feeling at all. you wanted to drown out the thoughts, the memories, the pain. you wanted to lose yourself in the music, in the crowd, in the taste of alcohol on your tongue.

the club was packed, bodies moving together in a rhythm that was almost hypnotic, the bass vibrating through the floor, through your body, until it was the only thing you could feel. the lights were low, flashing colours that blurred your vision, making everything feel surreal, like you were in a dream. or a nightmare. you couldn't tell the difference.

you made your way to the bar, ordered another drink—something strong, something that burned on the way down—and then another. you didn't want to think, didn't want to feel. you just wanted to forget.

"you good?" the bartender asked, his voice cutting through the fog in your mind.

you looked at him, tried to focus on his face, but it was hard. everything was hard. "i'm fine," you said, waving him off. "just keep them coming."

he hesitated, but you weren't in the mood for pity or concern. you were here for one reason and one reason only—to drown out everything else.

that's when you saw him.

he was standing at the other end of the bar, leaning casually against it like he had all the time in the world. tall, dark, and handsome, with a smile that was almost too perfect, too charming. he had that kind of presence that made people turn and look, but he didn't seem to care. he was just... there. and for some reason, you couldn't stop staring.

he must have felt your gaze because he looked up, his eyes meeting yours across the bar. and then he smiled, a slow, lazy smile that made something in your chest tighten, made your breath catch. he was gorgeous, and you could tell he knew it, but there was something else, something in his eyes that made you want to look away and look closer all at once.

you weren't looking for anything serious. hell, you weren't looking for anything at all. but as he walked over to you, his steps confident, purposeful, you couldn't help but wonder if maybe, just maybe, this was exactly what you needed. a distraction. something, or someone, to take your mind off everything else.

"you look like you could use some company," he said, his voice smooth, warm, with just the right amount of flirtation.

"and you look like trouble," you shot back, the alcohol giving you a boldness you didn't usually have.

he laughed, the sound rich and deep. "maybe," he said, his eyes never leaving yours. "but maybe that's not such a bad thing."

you looked at him, really looked at him, and for the first time all night, you felt something other than pain, other than the numbness you'd been clinging to. you felt... intrigued. curious. and maybe a little reckless.

"i'm aurélien," he said, holding out his hand.

you took it, felt the warmth of his skin, the strength of his grip, and something in you shifted. "y/n."

he smiled, and it was the kind of smile that promised things you weren't sure you were ready for, but tonight, you didn't care. tonight, you weren't looking for promises or commitments. you were looking for an escape, and this aurélien guy seemed more than willing to provide it.

"so, y/n," he said, leaning in a little closer, his voice dropping to a murmur that was somehow more intimate than the loud music surrounding you, "what brings you out tonight?"

you hesitated, the truth too raw, too painful to share with a stranger, but the alcohol was already loosening your tongue, making you more honest than you would've liked. "my boyfriend dumped me," you said, the words slipping out before you could stop them. "last night."

his eyes softened, the playful light dimming just a little. "i'm sorry," he said, and it sounded genuine, not just something people say because they feel they should.

"don't be," you replied, taking another sip of your drink. "i'm not here to feel sorry for myself."

"what are you here for?" he asked, his eyes searching yours, curious.

you met his gaze, held it, and felt a spark of something you hadn't felt in a long time. desire. it was small, barely a flicker, but it was there, and you wanted to fan it, to let it grow, to let it burn away everything else.

"i'm here to forget," you said, your voice low, steady, and you could see the understanding in his eyes, the way his gaze darkened just a little, like he knew exactly what you meant.

"i think i can help with that," he said, his voice matching yours in intensity.

you didn't need to ask what he meant. you knew. and you were okay with it. more than okay. you wanted it.

"good," you said, setting your glass down on the bar, the clink of it louder than it should have been in the noise of the club. "because that's exactly what i need right now."

he didn't waste any time. his hand found yours, warm and strong, and he led you through the crowd, out of the club, and into the cool night air. the city was alive around you, the lights bright, the sounds of laughter and music and car horns filling the space, but it all felt distant, like you were in a bubble, just the two of you, moving through the night.

you didn't ask where he was taking you. you didn't care. you trusted him in that moment, trusted that he would give you what you needed, even if it was just for the night. because that's all it was. all it would ever be.

he hailed his driver, and you slid in beside him, the tension between you thick, electric. his hand brushed your thigh, a casual touch that sent a jolt of heat through you, and you leaned into it, into him, craving more, needing more.

the ride to his place was a blur, the streets flashing by in a haze of lights and shadows. your heart was racing, your mind spinning, but not with thoughts of your ex, not with pain or regret or anything other than the anticipation of what was to come.

when the car pulled up to his building, he muttered something to his driver in a language you barely understood and then led you inside, his hand never leaving yours. the elevator ride was silent, the air thick with unspoken words, unspoken desires. you could feel the heat radiating off him, the way his body seemed to vibrate with the same tension that was building in you, and it was almost too much, almost overwhelming, but you wanted it, in a way that was almost desperate.

his apartment was quiet, save for the soft hum of the refrigerator in the kitchen and the faint buzz of the city outside the windows. the space was sleek, modern, with clean lines and minimalist decor—everything in its place, not a single thing out of order. it felt like him, you thought, as you took it all in. controlled, confident, but there was a warmth to it too, something inviting that you hadn't expected.

aurélien watched you from the doorway, his eyes tracing your every movement as you wandered into the living room, your heels clicking softly against the hardwood floors. the silence between you was charged, and you could feel the weight of his gaze on you, the way it followed you like a magnet. there was something intoxicating about it, about him, and you found yourself drawn to it, to him, in a way that felt almost inevitable.

"nice place," you murmured, your voice barely above a whisper as you turned to face him.

he didn’t respond right away, just stepped closer, closing the distance between you in a way that was slow, deliberate. when he finally spoke, his voice was low, husky, sending a shiver down your spine.

"i'm glad you like it," he said, but his eyes were on you, not the apartment, like you were the only thing in the room that mattered.

there was a tension in the air, thick and heavy, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. it was the kind of tension that built, that coiled tighter and tighter until it snapped, until it became something else entirely. and you could feel it, feel that shift coming, feel it in the way your breath caught in your throat, in the way your pulse quickened as he moved closer.

"you don’t have to do this," aurélien said softly, his eyes searching yours, and there was a gentleness in his tone that surprised you, that made your heart ache in a way you hadn't expected. "we can just... talk, if you want."

talking wasn’t what you wanted. not tonight. not after everything that had happened, everything you were trying to forget. you didn’t want to think, didn’t want to feel. you just wanted to lose yourself, to drown out the pain in something else, in someone else.

"i don’t want to talk," you said, your voice firmer than you felt, and you took a step closer, your fingers brushing against the fabric of his shirt, feeling the warmth of his skin beneath. "i want..."

but the words died on your lips, and you didn’t know how to finish the sentence, didn’t know how to tell him that you needed him, that you needed this, more than you’d ever needed anything else.

"what do you want, y/n?" aurélien asked, and the way he said your name, so soft, so intimate, almost sent you spiralling.

you looked up at him, your eyes meeting his, and there was something in his gaze that made you feel like he already knew, like he understood exactly what you were feeling, even if you couldn’t put it into words. and maybe he did, because when you didn’t respond, he closed the gap between you, his hand coming up to gently cup your cheek, his thumb brushing lightly against your skin.

"i got you," he whispered, and there was a promise in those words, a reassurance that made you want to believe him, that made you want to let go of everything else and just be there, in that moment, with him.

you leaned into his touch, your eyes closing as you let yourself feel the warmth of his hand against your skin, let yourself sink into the comfort of it. it was different from what you were used to—different from the way things were with your ex—but that was exactly what you needed. something different. something that didn’t remind you of the pain, the heartbreak. something that made you feel alive again.

and then his lips were on yours, soft and cautious at first, like he was giving you a chance to pull away, to stop this before it went any further. but you didn’t want to stop. you couldn’t. because the moment his lips touched yours, everything else faded away—the hurt, the betrayal, the thoughts of what you’d lost—and all that was left was him. aurélien. and the way he was making you feel.

you kissed him back, your hands coming up to grip the front of his shirt, pulling him closer, deepening the kiss until it was all-consuming, until it was the only thing you could think about, the only thing you could feel. his hands slid down your back, pulling you flush against him, and you could feel the heat of his body, the strength in his arms as they wrapped around you, holding you close.

you lost yourself in the kiss, in the way his lips moved against yours, in the way his hands roamed your body, exploring, discovering. it was intense, but it was exactly what you needed. you needed to feel wanted, needed, like you mattered, even if it was just for tonight.

"aurélien," you murmured against his lips, your voice breathless, filled with a need you couldn’t deny, and he pulled back just enough to look at you, his eyes dark with desire.

"you sure?" he asked, his voice low, rough, and you could see the restraint in his eyes, the way he was holding himself back, waiting for your permission, your consent.

"yeah," you breathed, and that was all it took.

he scooped you up into his arms, his strength catching you off guard, but you didn’t have time to react before he was carrying you down the hallway, his steps quick, purposeful, like he couldn’t wait any longer. and neither could you.

his bedroom was just as sleek and modern as the rest of the apartment, but you barely noticed, too focused on him, on the way he laid you down on the bed, his body hovering over yours, his eyes searching your face like he was looking for something, some sign that this was okay, that this was what you wanted.

and it was. more than anything.

you reached up to pull him down to you, your lips finding his again, and this time, there was no hesitation, no holding back. it was all heat and passion and desperation, and you lost yourself in it, in him.

the rest of the night was a blur of touches, of kisses, of whispered words and shared breaths. it was intense, raw, and exactly what you needed. aurélien was everything you could have asked for in a distraction—attentive, gentle, but with a fire that matched your own, that made you forget everything else.

for a few blissful hours, there was no pain, no reeling. there was only aurélien, and the way he was making you feel, the way he was making you forget.

but when it was over, when the night had given way to the early hours of the morning, and you were lying there beside him, his arm draped over your waist, his breath warm against your skin, reality started to creep back in. the numbness you’d been clinging to began to fade, and the ache in your chest returned, more dreadful than before.

you carefully slipped out of bed, not wanting to wake him, and quietly gathered your clothes, slipping them back on with practiced ease. you couldn’t stay. you couldn’t risk the morning-after awkwardness, the questions, the regrets. this was supposed to be a one-time thing, a way to forget, not something that lingered.

as you headed for the door, you glanced back at him, at the way he looked so peaceful, so content in his sleep. for a moment, you were tempted to stay, to curl back up beside him, to let yourself pretend that this could be something more. but you knew better. you knew that staying would only make things more complicated, more painful.

so you left, slipping out of his apartment and into the cool morning air. the city was starting to wake up, the streets slowly coming to life, but you felt like you were in a daze, like everything was happening in slow motion.

you didn’t look back as you walked away, your heels clicking against the pavement, the sound echoing in the quiet streets. you told yourself that this was what you needed, that aurélien was the perfect distraction, that you’d be fine now.

but deep down, you knew that the ache in your chest wasn’t going away. that the numbness you’d been relying on was only temporary, that eventually, you’d have to face reality.

but not yet. not now.

for now, you’d keep moving forward, keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep pretending that you’re okay.

because that’s all you could do. keep pretending. keep moving.

until the pain faded.

until you could breathe again.

until you were ready to feel again.

[sunnyie-eve]

48 | Boundaries

Series: Unexpected

Paring: (Matt Sturniolo x OFC Brock!) (Chris Sturniolo x OFC Brock!)

Word Count: 1.3k

Warnings: mention of rape & abortion

| MASTERLIST |

Everyone was just hanging out in the living room when Colby decided to do a surprise visit. Nick was on his laptop, Chris was watching TikTok's in his phone, and Dani and Matt were watching a black mirror episodes.

All eyes went towards the front door not expecting anyone. Matt says he'll see who it was and when he saw it was Colby he mentally sighed.

"What a surprise." Matt lets him in.

"Wanted to check in on Dani." Colby says and Dani hears him so she rolls her eyes before the two join everyone.

"Colby." Dani gives him a smile.

"I wanna take you to lunch. So get ready to go. I'm not taking no for an answer." He tells her so she gets up going to her room to change bottoms.

The guys don't really chat because Dani rushed so Colby wouldn't start anything with Matt asking stupid questions.

The car ride to lunch not a single one of them said a thing and even at lunch for the first few minutes no one said anything either.

"Why did you want to take me lunch?" Dani speaks up first, "And don't lie to me because you have never done this before."

Colby chuckles nodding his head, "That is true."

"So why now? So you can interrogate me more about  my friendship with Matt?"

"I'm just curious." He tells her.

"And I keep telling you the same thing."

"And I don't believe you or him. It's; we're close friends... It's; he's attractive but we're friends. It's; we're just friends. It's; matching tattoos but means nothing." He goes on to rant.

"You never believe me. Why?" She asks wanting to know.

"Because you have lied to me in the past about things in your relationship with your ex."

"What? He was abusive and that was proven." She says more confused than ever.

"You said y'all never did anything and you did. I found papers in mom's files about your abortion."

Dani stares at him and hates that he brought that up, "I never lied because we never did it. I was raped by his older brother that just got out of jail before going back." She lowers her voice since they were in public still, "I was 15 and I only told mom about it and we took care of it. It wasn't any of yours, Gage's, or Dad's business. I went to therapy for that not just for my anxiety."

"Dani."

"We aren't talking about it anymore. And that's final. And yes, I'm your baby sister but you need to mind your own business. Especially when it comes to who I like or don't like." She tells him.

"Exactly, you're my baby sister therefore I have a right to know things. Especially when it comes to your dating life. Especially when it's maybe with a guy you met through me."

Dani rolls her eyes, "You do not have a right. And I already knew of Matt because I was friends with Nick. You only helped by letting us finally meet up. I chose to come back here after Texas not you. My choice lead to my friendship with Matt." She explains to him.

"Also I can be curious because you two barely knew each other when he asked you to move in. That's weird to me. Why would he do that?"

"Because I needed a place to go because I didn't want to go live with you again. You would do the I told you so shit!" She snaps a bit.

"Well yeah, because I told you how she was."

"Exactly my point, Colby. If I had to make that choice again not even knowing Nick the way I did... I would still take Matt's offer than live with you." She sighs.

Colby can't help but roll his eyes a bit, "You're supposed to pick family first."

Dani can't help but laugh, "Pick family first? Okay, you wanna go there... Four years ago when I came to visit you for a week. You took me to a crazy house party then left me and the party to go hook up with some girl. I had such a bad panic attack I was taken to the hospital by some strangers at the party. You had no idea I was missing until the next day was practically over with and the hospital called you instead of mom."

"How many times have I apologized for that?"

"You shouldn't have had to because it shouldn't have never happened." She tells him, "You wanna know something sad I've realized living with them? Matt knows me more than you do Colby. Those brothers know me more than my own family." She tries not to tear up, "I feel more at home with them and their parents and Justin than with my own."

Colby just states at Dani before she gets up from the table, "Where are you going?"

"Home." She wipes her tears away leaving and he follows her.

"Are you really get a ride back?"

"I am and an uber isn't too far." She gets one to go home.

"You're being ridiculous right now."

Dani spins to face him, "Me? I'm not throwing a tantrum that my sister isn't telling me if she likes her best friend or not. And say I did and I wanted a relationship with him. What are you gonna do about it?"

Before he could answer the car pulls up so she gets in it going home. As soon as she gets home she tells the boys she wants time alone and they give it to her.

"Why isn't Dani with you three?" Nick reads the twitch chat way later in the night.

"She didn't want to." Chris tells them.

"If she wanted to join us, she would." Nick adds.

"Where is she then?" Chris reads out.

"Her room." Nick tells them then reads a few telling him to go get her to join them, "I'm not making her."

"You guys flip on her so fast." Chris shakes his head, "One second you guys want her out of stuff and now you want her with us."

Dani pushes Matt's door open since she was just in the kitchen, "I heard my name." She looks at them.

"Chat." Nick tells her and sees mixed comments now about her, "Wow." He rolls his eyes at them as Dani walks into view.

She looked like she went through hell. She had been crying almost all day since she got home, "I'm not joining them because I had a bad day." She tells the chat and they could tell by her tone she was upset.

"There, she told you why." Matt says, so she could leave his room now. He knew she just wanted to be alone to cry. Hell, all three of them knew that.

"I'll lay in here for a bit." She turns crawling onto Matt's bed as him and Chris switch spots. Matt made sure to sit at an angle where Dani wasn't being shown much and Chris helps by moving a pillow to block Dani as well.

"Oh, you guys can expect a new video coming out soon on Dani's channel. With me." Chris lets viewers know.

"Because I said no." Matt spits out making Chris and Dani look at him.

"No." She tells him since that wasn't true at all.

"We had that planned. Like since we were back home." Chris tells him.

"Is there a competition going on about...who can be on her channel the most?" Matt asks the three, "Because I seem to be dead last in this with Chris in first."

Nick gives him a look, "You are so butthurt."

"That's one way to put it." Matt agrees.

"Of course, Nick." Nick says then it hits him he said his name instead as the others laugh. "At least I got Dani to laugh." Nick says proud of himself because she needed it.

[a-small-batch-of-dragons]

Remember, Remember (Stay With Me) | Did You Remember?

Would you consider writing another chapter of Remember, Remember, please? No pressure of course but I would so dearly love to know what Roman is so afraid of. – hylianengineer

i need to read more of remember, remember! it’s my fav trope ever, all i need now if for roman to fix him lmao. but if you want to, i would love anymore for this au you have to offer :)) – anon

Read on Ao3 Part 1

Warnings: implied/referenced sexual assault, non-consensual drug use

Pairings: platonic roceit

Word Count: 3251

Roman has no idea what's going on and at this point, he's not sure he really wants to put too much energy into trying to figure out. Because this? Whatever weird thing the universe has decided is going to happen? Is actually…kind of nice.

"Careful with that," Janus says softly, reaching up to tap his fingers where they've started to worry the edge of his sleeve, "you're going to open that scrape again."

"Sorry."

"Do you need something else to fiddle with, hm?" Without waiting for a reply, the older man reaches up into the shower caddy—Janus uses a shower caddy, how surreal it is to learn that—and takes down a small washcloth, handing it to him. "Squeeze that if you need to."

"Thanks."

Janus simply winks and goes back to tending to his ankle. His leg is propped up in his lap, pants rolled up just enough for him to see and clean the wound, not enough to expose any more skin than absolutely necessary. His chest clenches.

Janus doesn't know. Janus doesn't know.

Janus wants to know. Janus really wants to know for some reason.

Will telling Janus mean he—mean he tries it? What if he thinks it's a good idea? What if he uses it as a threat of his own later? What if—

"Roman," comes the gentle call of his name, "Roman, stay with me, sweetie."

Roman blinks. Janus looks over at him, a slight furrow between his brows. He's got one hand steadying Roman's foot, the other ready to clean the cuts, but he's waiting. He's waiting for Roman to look at him. No small part of Roman's chest twists at that.

"I—I'm sorry," he mumbles, "I'm sorry."

"Don't you dare," Janus says lightly, beginning to wipe away the dried blood, "you've got nothing to apologize for. I'm almost done here, this is the last one."

"A-are you going to—" he cuts himself off when Janus looks back at him, biting his tongue.

"Am I going to…?"

"…ask me here?"

Something flickers across Janus's expression. He glances around the bathroom. "Does this remind you of it the same way the cell did?"

Cold tiles. Cold room. Cold cold cold cold and the click-click-click of heels along the floor—

"N-not in the same way."

"But it does, yes?" At Roman's hesitant nod, Janus hums. "Then, no, little hero, I'm not going to ask you here. I'm going to have you lift your leg a small bit—yes, just like that, you can rest now, thank you—and finish tying this off, then we're going to move you."

"M-move me?"

The tiniest quirk of his lips. "I did carry you up here, but I imagine you'd prefer to move under your own power, yes?"

"Yes," he blurts out way too quickly, "yes, I can walk, I promise."

Janus chuckles. It's the slightest bit strained. "Alright, sweetie. Just hold on one more moment."

Roman looks down at the washcloth. One of the threads along the side has begun to fray. The fibers unspool and unravel from where the corner is no longer perfectly finished. His fingers stutter as he gets closer to it and he flips the washcloth over, running the pads along the firm line of stitching instead. There's a harder section where the fibers have become slightly matted and he skips over that too.

"Alright," he hears as the sounds of rustling and plastic come from far away, "that's you as patched up as we can be right now. Let me just put this away—"

It was just Janus standing up. He knows it was just Janus standing up. But a huge dark silhouette suddenly looms over him and he whimpers, curling himself further into the wall. It's gone in another instant, replaced with the litany of soft words.

"It's only me, little hero, I just stood up. It's alright, I won't block the light for you again, but stay with me. I need you to stay with me, alright? Don't go where I can't follow you."

"Just—" he squeezes his eyes shut— "go and come back."

"Are you sure?"

"Do it."

There's another round of shuffling, the brief opening and closing of a cabinet, and then Janus's voice comes from next to him once more. "It's over, sweetie. I'm all done."

Roman grits his teeth, grips the washcloth, and heaves himself to his feet. He hears a sharp inhale from Janus but no hands reach out to grab him, the man doesn't do anything to stop Roman from standing, not as he shudders against the coldcoldcold tile, not as he wobbles slightly from standing to fast on injured legs, not as he opens his eyes to basically glare at Janus even though he's done nothing wrong. No, he just crouches there, waiting for Roman to settle, which adds another level of weird to this…whatever this is.

"Ready?"

"Y-yeah. Where—where are we going?"

"Well," Janus says, slowly standing, "I figure that if the places that remind you consist of tile and concrete, the best place to suggest would be somewhere a little cozier. Come, little hero."

As Janus leads him through hallways, he can't stop himself from glancing around. The walls are painted a deep green, almost too green, with black accents and small touches of blue and purple. Sparse portraits and other artwork hangs on the walls in entryways; he catches glimpses of what might be parlors or drawing rooms, another large room that looks like a cross between a dining room and a meeting room, and a staircase that leads up to a second floor, then a third…how big is this place?

His stomach twists when he sees that Janus is leading him toward a kitchen.

"Come sit, sweetie." He's beckoned over to a small couch, positioned just so in front of a round table. Janus picks up a blanket from one of the armchairs across from him and opens it, shaking it out and carefully positioning it around his shoulders. "There…is that a little better?"

Roman nods. He carefully takes the edge of the blanket between two fingers, still keeping a hold of the washcloth. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Janus walk over to the kitchen, flicking on an electric kettle and opening one of the cabinets. He places one, two mugs on the counter, the sharp tink of the ceramic hitting the marble ricocheting around inside his ears. His throat spasms.

"Sweetie?"

"Y-yeah?"

"What sort of tea would you like?"

"N-none, please, I don't want any tea." He squeezes his eyes shut, bracing, bracing—

"Alright. Let me know if you change your mind."

"…really? Just like that?"

"I'm hardly about to waste my good tea on someone who doesn't want any."

"O-oh."

Janus winks at him again—that is weird, he decides, that might be the weirdest thing, the winking, because that's something you do with someone you've got, like, an inside joke with, or something, and they might have things that only the two of them understand because torture is an intimate thing, but it's not wink worthy—and sure enough, when he returns to the armchair, he's only carrying one mug of tea.

"Alright," he murmurs, "I did mean what I said earlier, sweetie: you do not have to tell me anything if you don't want to. You won't be punished for it, I won't be angry at you, this isn't an interrogation. However, if you want to tell me, or need to tell me, you can."

Roman swallows. "And if I don't?"

"Then I see if I can convince you to try eating something, or drinking something at the very least, and if not, then I'll see if I can find somewhere you feel safe enough to try and sleep."

"Why are you doing this?"

"Because, little hero, you are my cute little spider. Your webs meddle in my plans, your little legs skitter all over my operations."

"So what, is this some weird possessive thing?"

Janus shrugs. "If you like. If you prefer to think of it as me defending my territory, then by all means."

"I'm not your territory."

"Again, by all means: you can think what you like."

"If you want me to tell you," he spits, clenching the washcloth, "you're going to have to do a better job of showing me I can trust you with it."

Janus raises an eyebrow, gesturing around. "Is this not enough? I've released you, bandaged your wounds, brought you somewhere safe, told you that you needn't tell me if you don't want to."

Guilt swells slightly under his tongue. He tries to swallow. The loose thread catches under his nail. "S-sorry."

"Absolutely none of that," comes the gentle chide, "you are scared, sweetie, it's okay. I'm not going to hurt you, there is no trick or trap here."

"I can't," he rasps, eyes squeezing shut, "I can't just trust that, I can't, not after—"

His breath hitches.

"Not after what she did."

There's a moment of silence. Janus doesn't say anything. Roman takes one deep shuddering breath, then another, then another.

"I was staking out this store on the edge of the river," he mumbles, voice cracking over the words, "it was—there was something going on at the water treatment plant. It wasn't a thing that the plant could fix, but something—they were noticing something that was happening in the river near that junction down by the bridge. I figured that if something were…were spilling, it might come from around the store."

It was just a normal store. It looked just like a normal store. It was just a small little place that sold comics and candy and little magnets with people's names on them and T-shirts that had cartoons and quotes from famous movies. It was a dorky little gift shop that shouldn't have had anything to do with anything.

"I didn't see anything happening with the store but there was always a delivery every two weeks. Not like—not big like it was dropping off inventory or anything, but like it—it was too regular to be, like, normal mail, but not—yeah." He shifts on the couch. "So I tried to—tried to see what the delivery was. The next day I knew it was gonna come in, I went to the store and pretended to shop around while they picked it up. It was this big cardboard box that they had to wheel in on a dolly and the person working had to sign for it, then they put it behind the counter and that was it."

He shuffles. If he'd just pulled his hood up a little more—

"Th-they saw me on the cameras. And they—they didn't let me get close enough to the store again. I don't know how they knew I was—that I was looking for something but they—they—they took me in the middle of the night from one of my normal patrol routes and they—" his breath hitches again— "God, I thought it was you at first."

"Me?"

"Yeah. She—" his throat closes— "th-there was this clicking noise. I thought it was your cane."

"My cane."

"It was h-heels. High heels. Sh-she always wore high heels."

"She?"

Roman nods. "I don't know her n-name. I don't know what she does. I don't know why she was with that store or what was in the delivery and what she was doing there and why—"

"Shh, easy, sweetie, it's okay, you're not giving me a report. You don't need to know everything."

"I know, I know, I just—I can't—I keep thinking about what she wanted and I don't—I can't—I don't know what she got out of it, why she did that to me, I don't—was she just trying to see if it worked? Why'd she keep me for so long and then she just let me go like nothing happened and I hadda—I hadda make sure it was out of me and it—"

"Breathe, Roman. Take a breath, you need to breathe." Janus's voice cuts through the worst of the haze slowly filling him again. He gulps in air, fingers still worrying the edge of the blanket. "That's it…you're doing so well, sweetie."

Roman looks up at him. He can feel his eyes filling with tears. Janus's expression falters slightly as concern plays openly across his features, before he gives him a nod.

You can do this.

"I—I think she just wanted a lab rat," he croaks, "for whatever they were making."

"What makes you say that?"

"'Cause it was in the food."

"What was in the food?"

"The d-drug. The drug, the virus, the whatever the hell it was, she put it in my food, in my water, in everything. And I didn't—I didn't know until it was—"

Until his skin was on fire. Until it felt like needles were working their way through his skin, his blood, his bones. Until every breath was agony and there were things twisting around inside of him and burning, burning, burning, everything burned and he couldn't breathe and every gasp only stoked the flames higher and he had to do anything to make it stop—

"Roman! Roman!"

Roman blinks. He's on the floor, curled up in a ball. Janus is staring at him, also crouched on the floor, his mug long abandoned on the coffee table. He draws in one shuddering breath after another, the tears beginning to fall.

"Oh, sweetie," Janus murmurs, almost unconsciously, "what did she do?"

"It's a fascinating little thing, isn't it," she croons as she drags her nails down his chest, ignoring the way he whimpers and keens, "how difficult it is to make the body resist pleasure. Pleasure is the one thing they never expect, isn't it? Pain is pain, yes, but any fool can inflict pain. Making pleasure the thing to resist? Well, humans simply aren't equipped for that."

Another scrape of nails across his vulnerable stomach, dipping lower and lower with each pass.

"I could do anything," she whispers, drunk on her own power, "literally anything at all, and you would beg for more. Isn't that fascinating?"

He doesn't know what words he shoves out of his mouth. He never did. Anything, anything to keep the haze at bay, to feel like he had some control over his body, anything to keep her from reaching any further into his mind, his soul, to try and keep her out and it never worked for long, he'd be swallowed up by it in an instant, not to escape again until she let him—

"—and then one day I was outside. Jus'—just outside. An' I went h-home and I made sure it was outta me—" vomiting up until the blood vessels in his face burst, not trusting food or water for too long, taking every single thing he could find to flush out his system only to wind up dehydrated and malnourished until he could get some food that he knew wouldn't be drugged— "and I…"

"Oh, you poor thing," Janus murmurs when he bursts into tears, "you poor thing, you didn't deserve any of that."

"You…you promise?"

"On my life, little hero."

***

Janus is livid.

Not only is it bad enough that Roman had to endure being drugged against his will, but to hear the effects of the drug? To listen as Roman sobbed his way through describing this beast force herself upon him in such a state, to twist his senses so he was nothing more than—

No. No. Not now. Later. Later.

And then to learn about how little he trusts food, drink, anything, well, no wonder the poor thing didn't want to eat. No small part of him wants to wrap him up in that blanket and hold him, just hold him until he feels better, but the last thing Roman needs right now is another unwanted touch, so he doesn't. He sits there with his back to the armchair, helplessly watching Roman sob into the washcloth.

"J-Janus?"

"Yes, sweetie?"

"C-can I have another blanket?"

"Of course you can. I'll be right back, alright?"

He gets up and goes to the hall closet, taking down the softest and fluffiest blanket he can find. He returns to the couch and sets it near Roman's feet, retreating to sit by the armchair once more. Roman eyes it warily, chewing on his lip, and oh, how he wants to wrap him up in it, he wants to tuck it under his chin and swaddle him in it so no one could dare lay a finger on him, but he can't do that, not yet, and so he watches with no small anxiety until Roman unfolds it with shaking hands and tugs it over his legs.

"Thanks."

"You're very welcome, sweetie. Thank you for being willing to tell me. I can…well, I understand why you turned down my tea."

Roman sniffles and nods. Janus glances toward the kitchen.

"If…if you want," he begins slowly, "I have unopened bottles of water in the fridge over there. You can pick out whichever one you like, the seal is still intact on all of them. There are also unopened boxes of crackers and other snacks that I promise you no one has touched."

"…you swear?"

"I do."

Roman gazes at the kitchen for a long moment before slowly getting himself to his feet, shuffling over with the two blankets draped over his shoulders. It suddenly strikes Janus how small the little hero is. The blankets near dwarf him, leaving him akin to a child waking up his parents in the middle of the night from a terrible nightmare. The comparison has him muffling a borderline hysterical snort, instead watching as Roman reaches for the handle of the fridge, glancing over as if Janus would stop him.

"Go on," he urges softly, "have a look."

The cool light highlights the deep curve of Roman's cheeks—he looks hollow, hungry in a way no person, no child should ever be. He reaches one hand inside and retrieves a bottle of water, slowly twisting the cap until the seal gives way. Relief flickers obviously through his shoulders and he brings it to his lips.

"Not too fast," Janus finds himself calling when Roman nearly finishes the bottle in one go, "don't make yourself sick."

Roman looks over at him and suddenly he is just a child, sheepishly recapping the water bottle and going in search of other snacks. As he rifles through the cupboards, lightly poking fun at Janus's taste in snacks before settling on an unopened box of Saltine crackers, a little bit in Janus's chest unspools. This is better, watching the little hero munch happily on his box of crackers, sipping the water, covered in blankets and not fretting for his life, his safety, his sanity. His little hero deserves to eat in peace.

With Roman sufficiently distracted, he takes out his phone and sends a message to one of the operatives stationed near the river.

If there is something so despicable going on in his city, he will put a stop to it.

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[chromietriestowrite]

Already Gone

Pairing : Bucky x gn!reader

Summary : You wake up one day to find that Bucky's gone. You don't know why, or what happened. When he comes back, you sit down to have a much needed conversation.

Warnings : angst, established relationship, lack of communication, heartbreak, hint of eating disorder, Bucky doesn't talk much, he knows it's too late

Word count : 460

A/N : Hi guys, this is the first fanfic I wrote, I know I have a lot to learn so don't hesitate to give me feedback ! English is not my first language.

'Do you still want us to be together?'

'I don't know anymore...'

The words you'd both had been dreading to hear.

Bucky had been gone for a week, this is the first words you've spoken to him since that time. Your heart broke when you said them, but you couldn't ignore this, not anymore.

'You left.'

'I needed space.'

'But you didn't tell me. How do you think it felt when I woke to find out you were gone?'

You took a breath. You didn't want this conversation to be a fight.

'You needed space, fine. You need anything, that's okay, we talk about it and we figure it out. But you have to talk to me.'

'I didn't know how to say it.'

'We're in a relationship Bucky, without communication we don't have anything!

It's okay to need space. In fact, it's good to realise when you do.

What is not okay is for you to leave in the middle of the night without saying anything. No note, no nothing.'

'I texted you I was okay.'

'Yeah, the next day. After I'd been worried sick. And all you said was not to worry. I didn't know when you'd be back, or if you'd be back. I didn't know wether I'd done something wrong.

You left without telling me. I spent the worst week because of you. My last meal was the day before you left, I haven't slept, I was at my worst, I needed you and you weren't there.'

'I know, I screwed up, I'm sorry.'

'Sorry's not enough. Not anymore. You can't hurt me and then come back with a 'sorry' and expect everything to be okay.'

'I know.'

'I don't want it to keep happening either. I never want to hurt you. I'll do better, we'll do better.'

'This is not the first time I was hurt because of you, of us. We keep hurting each other no matter how much we try not to.

I cried all the tears I have. I don't want it to keep happening.'

'I don't know that we can.'

'What can I do to make it better?'

Bucky was in tears, you could see the hurt in his eyes. He was pleading, begging you to give him another chance. But it was all too much. You knew this was going to be some of the worst pain you've ever felt, but eventually you'd both be okay. You believed that. What you didn't know was if you'd both survive hurting each other again.

'I don't know that there's anything you can do.

We've built a relationship on the fear of losing each other. I don't know that we can come back from that.

We're unhappy when we're not together. We can't spend too much time apart.

I don't have a life outside of us and that's not fair!'

'I know it doesn't mean anything anymore, but I'm sorry.'

'I'm not saying all that's on you. It's on me too.'

You couldn't do this anymore. You couldn't be an us anymore.

'I love you. More than anything in this world. I don't want to lose you.'

I know it's missing a lot. It's basically a conversation with not enough description, not enough of an understanding of what the characters are feeling. I don't know how to do that yet but when I do, I'll rewrite it.

'I love you too. I'll always love you. But I'm already gone.'

It felt so good writing this. I hope you'll like it!

[megumidreams]

Day 22 - Megumi Fushiguro {1:13am}

A/N: If you want to be added to the Fluffvember taglist send me an ask or a DM. The taglist will be open until November 27th, 2023.

Word Count: 0.7k

TW: nothing but fluff and one single kiss 😌

Fluffvember Masterlist

People had begun clearing out before you would have liked. The party had been dying down at a quick pace. You had been so wired from the excitement that you knew that there was absolutely no way that you were falling asleep any time soon. As Nobara grabbed her jacket and made her way toward the front door you realized that there were only two people left. Yuji and Megumi.

Yuji was already throwing on his sweatshirt as you made your way over to both of them. "I hate to have to go, but I've got an early morning tomorrow. Gojo wanted me to go on a mission with him and we're heading out first thing."

You shook your head and smiled. "No no, there's no need to feel bad. You have something planned for tomorrow. Go get some sleep, Yu."

He leaned into you and placed a soft kiss on your cheek, a small grin painting his features as he closed the front door behind him. You sauntered over to the couch and fell onto it, turning a bit to face Megumi. He could feel his heart beating out of his chest as soon as you looked at him.

Megumi had always been nervous around you, nothing had been able to change that even though he had tried. He wasn't nervous for any horrible reason, he just knew that you made his heart beat a little faster and made him smile a lot more than anyone else could. He lifted his arm and scratched the back of his head apprehensively. "If you're tired I can leave and let you sleep too. It's not a big deal."

You tilted your head and bit your lip, the same little butterflies that you always got with him coming back to the surface. "You're welcome to stay for longer. I'm probably not going to get much sleep tonight. I slept in far too much this morning and I'm buzzing from everything that happened tonight."

He frowned at you, concern lacing his tone. "Are you sure? I don't want to keep you up if there's a chance that you could actually fall asleep."

The worry that you heard from him made those butterflies flutter even more. He was really concerned. Megumi Fushiguro was worried about you. You could barely believe what you were hearing.

"No need to worry. It's nothing new for me. I do this pretty often." You shrugged in an attempt to relax him but could sense his worry growing even more with the way he now looked at you.

A sigh left him as he moved toward you, your knees touching as he bit the inside of his cheek. "W-Would it help if I stayed? Because I can stay if it'll make you feel more comfortable."

Had he just offered to stay here? Had he been able to tell that the reason you didn't want him to leave was that you hated being home alone? And with your roommate being gone for the weekend you had been barely sleeping. Always watching for something to happen. Your entire being told you to say yes and your body language told him that before the words left your mouth. "I'd be perfectly fine with that Megumi. That would make me feel really safe in all honesty."

Megumi didn't answer you, but he felt that his next move would be answer enough. He leaned toward you, his hands coming up to your face as he cupped your cheeks. His lips captured yours, moving expertly against them like you had done it a thousand times before. You felt your cheeks warming, burning even, as he continued. Neither of you wanted to break it apart, reveling at the moment. Something that the two of you had wanted to do so many times before but had been much too shy to do.

Your lips seemed like they fit together so perfectly. It was like you were two pieces of a puzzle that was completed once they met. As he pulled away you couldn't find any words, and neither could he as he stared at you with love drunk eyes, much matching your own. And it was from that moment on that the two of you weren't afraid anymore. Telling each other exactly how you felt with no fear, showing the other how much you adored and cherished them. Meant exactly for the other.

Taglist: @bakubabes-tatakae

©️2023 megumidreams, please do not repost/modify without my permission, please do not use my work as ASMR without me permission