#what i acknowledge the bad traits is my traits and i have several selfish reasons to explain it

[hasturlover]

I got peter! Nice quiz, op!

i’ve combined my current hyperfixation and my one true love psychology and created this uquiz. the qs are all p short and u get the reward of an honest attempt at personality analysis at the end (plus u get ur very own marauders era person to take home)

[cinnamonest]

Kaeya Alberich - Yandere Profile

YES I love my eyepatch boy!! I really like him as a yandere, because he's definitely got several traits and behaviors that would make him a very unconventional/different yet absolutely terrifying one to have. Him or Diluc as your yandere is basically like playing a game on maximum difficulty. He's so arrogant dammit why does he have to make it hot

More importantly, someone take the ability to write n/sfw away from me I s2g... I go from trying to make serious content to nasty weird kinks and completely feral in .002 seconds the moment I add that readmore

tws: gaslighting, manipulation, yandere, mentions of mutilation

tws (below cut): noncon, a good deal of sadism, mentions of an*l

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What are they generally like? Lucid, aware? Obsessive? How do they behave?

He's actually one of the worst yanderes you could have in almost every regard, for two very simple reasons: his crippling psychological issues, and his intense selfishness. The first manifests as severe abandonment issues. It's the origin of his unhealthy feelings, most likely. Kaeya doesn't like the instability of people - based on his backstory, people always leave, or die, and even if they don't intend to, somehow it feels like abandonment, and he resents it. People leave him all alone and afraid and uncertain. That's generally all he knows, and despite the smug exterior, he's actually pushed people away quite a bit, keeps everyone at arm's length to ensure they can't become someone too important for him to accept their sudden absence. He can't care about someone, because that someone is fated to inevitably leave him, no matter who it may be.

That's why, once you manage to worm your way into his feelings and heart despite his best efforts, once he finally caves to acknowledging the feeling, he's aware. Painfully aware, because be can't stop worrying every waking moment about you, your well-being, your location. It reaches a point where he can't go about his job because he's simply too consumed with his worry.

The solution that kept him safest in the past was to avoid developing emotional attachments, but when he does, he's terrified of both your safety AND you intentionally abandoning him. Really, the latter would hurt worse, since he can't fault you for dying, but to abandon him? It would break him.

And, to some extent, he's developed a lot of  prideful anger about it, deep, deep down. He feels that he doesn't deserve to be abandoned, doesn't deserve to just be left behind under the guise of some greater purpose, and he'll be damned if he just lets you toss him aside like he feels others did. Even if you reject him, he won't accept it. You don't get to reject him. He won't allow that. What has he ever done to deserve everything that's happened to him? Nothing. You're the one person who has stayed with him, and you're going to continue to be with him. Forever.

That being said, he's still somewhat confident because he's got that arrogance about him. He doesn't perceive rejection, because he's always gotten a lot of attention for his looks, even if he's never actually followed through on anyone else's attention out of those same fears. He'll write off any perceived rejection as being for some other reason, something besides an actual rejection, and he'll seek to eliminate whatever he feels is keeping you from just accepting him.

Honestly, one of the most likely to have a full blown, classic-yandere-style psychotic breakdown. He can be driven to a snapping point, if there's enough stress or obstacles, and in case of that, he'll be a lot more willing to kill, and a lot more willing to hurt you, but it's a point that would still take a lot to reach.

But what's really terrifying about Kaeya is his delusions, primarily his ability to mentally justify everything he does without hesitation. Even most delusional yanderes struggle - they feel like it's wrong, they know it is deep down, and they take time to convince themselves of their delusions, tell themselves it's ok over and over, beg for reassurance, and get defensive when called out because they know they're in the wrong. The same isn't true for Kaeya. He automatically justifies his actions by default, and has absolutely zero doubt or hesitation to do so. He doesn't even need a complex reason for justification - it's a simple one. He deserves what he wants. Anything necessary to achieve that is fair.

How likely are they to kidnap their darling? How quickly will they do so?

Highly likely and very quickly, right up there with Diluc and Razor. And he's absolutely remorseless about it. It ties back into his delusional state and ability to justify anything he does - this is what's best for you. If you don't get that, that's your problem, not his.

He's another one to not want to pull some barbaric move like knocking you out, rather, he'd rather just trick you into walking right into your new home. He gets that you'll be upset about it, but to him, that's just part of the process. Not that he'll tolerate it for too long. 12, maybe 24 hours is enough time for you to reasonably be upset, but if you're still trying to fight him on this after that, he's going to get snappy about it, thinking you should already be over that by now.

How difficult is it to escape from them? How do they keep you restrained? How do they deal with attempted escape? 

You're not leaving.

It's not worth trying, really. How he manages to do it is a mystery to you, but he'll manage to keep you locked in right there at the headquarters with him. How Jean and Lisa haven't found out about you being there, how he convinced all of his guards to be on his side of things, you have no idea. Realistically, if you get out, he's likely to make you out to be some kind of criminal that needs to be found -- just not to hurt you in any way, so goes the order, and the knights know better than to question why.

He has eyes and ears everywhere, it won't take them anytime at all to find you. He's so confident in that, and combined with his pride, he doesn't feel the need to go get you himself. No, it's a lot more satisfying to sit back and watch as they drag you through the doors of the headquarters, slowly pull you to the end of the room and drop you down at his feet, where he can look down on you with that closed-eyed, artificially wide smile that tells you that you have seriously fucked up.

Escape attempts aren't going to be met with a single shred of mercy, really. The thing about Kaeya is he's ultimately a selfish, selfish bastard with a lot of deep-seeded, highly repressed emotional issues, and he has absolutely no problem with keeping you bound hand and foot, or maybe even make some permanent modifications to your body if that's what it takes to keep you. It's not a wise idea to even try unless you're absolutely certain to succeed, otherwise you may find yourself never getting the opportunity again. You don't really need those Achilles tendons intact, you know. And your ankle bones are just so fragile, they'll snap with just a little twist. Actually, that wouldn't be too bad, giving you more reasons to be grateful when he's doing everything for you.

He's not one to just let it go, either. No, escape attempts are the one unforgivable thing for him, the one thing that will make him totally and completely snap. You don't get to do that. You're the one thing that doesn't get to just disappear out of his life in a flash. Half the reason he sends the knights to get you rather than going himself is to give him some time to let the rage settle down, otherwise he knows he might not be able to control himself and might end up hurting you even worse than he intends to. He's not going to buy any excuses and won't go any lighter on you if you beg and grovel or anything. But you will apologize -- you get to choose how hard it is. You can apologize the easy way, or, if you don't want to, there are many ways to force it out. But by the end, he'll get an apology, and a promise to never try again, out of you, no matter what that takes. It's by far the worst state you'll ever see him in, and really, once is enough to dissuade you from trying again.

How easy are they to trick, deceive, or manipulate?

You'd have to try pretty hard. He doesn't have the sheer amount of years of life experience like Venti or Zhongli, but he's not the captain for no reason - he's perceptive, and highly intelligent.

Rather than simply mastering reading human voice and facial expressions for telltale signs of deceit, he's good at learning individuals in particular - memorizing the patterns of thought and action of a particular individual, and predicting how they will act. He can do it with everyone else with ease, how much more, then, with the object of an obsession? If you're trying to formulate some plan to trick him, he'll already predict what you'll do, if you lie, he already knows. It's creepier than the others, really, because it's not just that he can tell when you're lying, but rather he already knows you're going to lie or try some scheme before you do it. It feels so tailored and personalized to your thought patterns, it almost feels like an invasion of the privacy of your mind, which, really, is the one privacy you thought you had left.

He's great at gaslighting himself, too. He's a very good liar, and can make you believe anything he wants. He'll target your fears and paranoias, make you believe you're going crazy, and he'll do it all so perfectly you'll never suspect a thing. You'll end up coming to him for protection and guidance, exactly as planned.

How lenient are they? What privileges can you have, and what will you be denied?

Pretty strict. He doesn't let you have any outside contact, and you're limited on what you can do when he's gone. He'll bring you some books, maybe something to draw on -- no sharp writing utensils, though. In his mind, that should be enough to occupy you.

You won't get outside walks or visits. It's just too risky for him, and he really doesn't like seeing other people look at you. If you really, really beg, and you've been on amazing behavior, and you're well into your relationship, maybe a few months or so, there's a chance he'll take you out at nighttime, or sunrise, but at the slightest sign of intentions he doesn't like, you'll be dragged back, and you won't see the sun for a long time.

You'll have a very limited wardrobe, he doesn't see why you even need to wear anything, but if you're going to be stubborn, he can get you something simple, like an old shirt and some underwear, but that's about all you can have. Any requests for actual clothing are going to be denied. It's ridiculous for him to spend money on something you don't need, and besides, he prefers it this way, y'know?

What kind of rules do they have? What kind of punishment would they use?

Generally, it's a simple one: obey. You do what he tells you to do, and you don't do something if he tells you not to. This stems to similar rules that develop: be submissive, don't be argumentative, don't be defiant. Follow those, and you can both be happy, and that's what you want, isn't it? It had better be - he's not very lenient, and will harshly punish even small offenses. As for that punishment... most of it isn't going to be sfw. That's just how he is.

What he will do is emotionally manipulate you, and he's rather good at it. You wanted to escape? Ok. He'll let you have your way, let you be alone. All alone. All by yourself, in a little room, with no one at all, which is exactly how you would have left him, had you succeeded. He knows very well how that kind of loneliness bites. He's not totally cruel, though, and he won't withhold affection from you by the time he returns -- he doesn't need to, you'll already be crying and apologizing, which is exactly what he hoped for. Not that he won't briefly mock you for it.

"If I didn't know any better, I'd say you're crying like that because you actually missed me. Oh, you did? Being all alone isn't particularly fun, now is it? I'm sure you understand that now."

How do they deal with rivals, or perceived rivals? Will they get rid of them? Will they kill them themselves, or find another way?

Kaeya's an insanely jealous person. It doesn't show on his face, but it eats at him internally. It doesn't matter if it's a love interest, a platonic friend, even a family member. It's all the same -- people who want to take your attention away from him, people who you smile at that aren't him, people you love that aren't him. He's not one to delude himself into thinking everyone secretly loves you romantically, rather, it doesn't matter. Romantic interests are the worst threat, sure, but friends and family aren't much better.

He sees himself as above killing, though. He has people to do that for him, and he likes knowing that he has that much power. He's not going to dirty his hands with it, and frankly, they're not even worthy of his time and effort to kill them. Knights and other connections can take care of it just as well.

How easy is it to make them mad? What does their anger look like?

As somewhat previously discussed, the primary form of making him mad is attempting an escape. That's on a whole new level of anger because it strikes at a very deep, wounding insecurity. On a normal day, though, he's more easily exasperated than angry. He gets frustrated somewhat easily, especially if you're trying exceptionally hard to be a brat. He has very clear warning signs. His signature little smirk drops, he gets quiet, he balls his hands into fists and digs his fingernails into his palms. At that stage, he's irritable and might snap at you, but won't get too angry until you ignore those signs and push it.

If you do push him, though, he gets genuinely mad, which is a very quiet anger at first -- he doesn't talk much when he's mad. He acts. You'll know he's snapped when he puts down whatever he's doing, and just silently stomps over to you, face completely empty and flat, looking down at you with a cold expression. It's enough to put fear in you, but at that point, even if you apologize, you're not getting out of whatever he's planned.

So they see you as above them, beneath them, or equal to them?

Strongly in the "below" camp, a rather unusual stance for a yandere. Like many things with him, there's an inexplicable duality going on there.  You would think that if you loved someone so strongly you'd kidnap them, kill for them, and potentially suffer consequences just to have them, that you would really think highly of them. On the flip side, you would think that if you really saw someone as lowly, you wouldn't care for them, you'd see them as disposable.

But neither is true for Kaeya, no, he balances both obsessive love and complete narcissism regarding you. You're not disposable, no, he can't live without you, he needs you. But at the same time, you're not gonna be on any kind of pedestal. No, if anything, he sees himself on one, more like a throne, and you on the floor before him, how things should be.

He has a similar mindset to Zhongli or Albedo - you're fragile, you're dumb, you're incapable, and you need someone to care for you, protect you, guide you, someone who knows what's best for you, since you clearly don't. However, he's lacking in the attitude those other two have -- there's no seeing you as an angel here. There's no viewing himself as being absolutely honored to take care of you, or viewing protecting and caring for you as some kind of privilege that they're blessed to do, the way those two do.

No, as much as he loves those things, he'll never admit it, not even to himself really. Rather, his mentality is that you should be grateful. Here he is, a very highly respected, accomplished, capable person, and you...? You have what to offer, exactly? That's right, nothing, really, only cuteness and obedience, the latter of which you refuse to give him even though you really ought to. He's taking on the burden of making sure you don't get yourself killed, and how do you repay him? By getting mad about it, throwing a fit like some little kid? He puts up with your tantrums, which are really undeserved, by the way. He puts up with your disobedience and repeated rule violations, your sheer determination to defy him when he's going out of his way to do what's best for you.

One day, he thinks, you'll mature a little bit and understand why he does what he does, and when you do, you'll come groveling and sniffling about how sorry you are, how you'll never defy him again, how you'll be good and obedient from now on, and he'll love every second of it. He looks forward to that day quite a bit.

"Sigh... you know, you're pretty lucky I love you so much. You could stand to show me a little thanks, don't you think?"

How determined are they for you to love them? How hard will they try to make it happen? Or are they content just having you?

He's strongly determined, and yet... doesn't do much to try. It goes back to his mindset that really, you're the one who should be grateful for him, and eventually, you will love him. He's not gonna grovel to you or try different ways of making you love him, no, he's far too proud for that. But he's a smart man. He knows the effects that complete and total isolation other than one other person can have on someone. He's just going to sit back and wait for that effect to kick in, and slowly watch your fragile little mind deteriorate until you're desperate for affection. At which point, well, he can use it against you.

"You were so mean to me before, weren't you? You fought me every step of the way, and now you're just going to turn around and act like that didn't happen...? Well, if you're really sorry, I'll forgive you. But how am I supposed to believe you really are...? Maybe you can think of a way to prove it, hm?"

Bonus: Is there anything that makes them unique, in comparison to other yanderes?

Probably the severity of his degradation. As aforementioned, most yanderes, even the more confident or cocky individuals, either worship the ground their beloved walks on and sees themselves as beneath them, OR sees their darling as some sort of fragile, angelic being, and they are simply a protector or caretaker to that being.

It's a bit different with him, ever the narcissist. It's a strange duality born out of a rare mix of neediness, obsession, and pride. You're more like a toy, or a pet - an invaluable pet that he could never part with, but a pet nonetheless. He certainly looks down on you more than the average yandere - he mentally associates you as naive, fragile, even dumb like a lot of the aforementioned protector/caretaker types, but without the reverence to make up for it.

It's a bizarre duality that not even he fully understands - don't think for a moment that that means he'll ever tire of you, or view you as disposable. No, he's actually one of the most obsessive ones, yet very demanding of attention and praise, rather than giving it.

He frequently tests you - things like leaving the door unlocked, waiting outside just to see if you'll try it. Seeing you open that door, watching your face go from ecstatic excitement and drop to wide-eyed terror, it's priceless.

"My, my, you didn't waste any time at all, did you? Why do you look so surprised...? You should know I wouldn't slip up that badly."

Pet names, but in the most infuriatingly condescending way, and uses them more often when he's mad and trying to warn you that you're pushing his limits. Particularly fond of "sweetheart," especially with a low warning tone and clenched teeth.

General perverseness: how sexual of a person are they? What’s their drive like? How touchy do they get? Do they have any reservations about sexuality?

Horny fucker, all the way. The man has a lot of stress and frustration in his life already, that much more if you're... less than compliant with your new lifestyle. Sex, especially rough and hard, is a fantastic stress reliever.

Very little reservation. He's not crude about it, but he tends to make subtle innuendos very frequently, and laughs at your embarrassed reactions. Definitely the type to pull the whole shtick in which he says something with a blatant sexual undertone, then elaborates in a way to make it sound like having meant something else, follows with that smirk and says, "Why? What did you think I meant?" It's something he really enjoys doing, and loves to get embarrassed reactions out of people, particularly yourself.

"Touchy" doesn't begin to describe it. Pretty much from the moment you meet him, he's got his hands somewhere on your person. He grabs your shoulders when he stands behind you, he wraps an arm around you from the side when he walks up to you, he's always pressing his hands on your back and sides whenever you're navigating the streets, walking through doorways, wraps an arm around your waist when sitting next to you. It's highly uncomfortable, but really, he's just got something very subtly, but very strongly intimidating about him. You almost don't want to confront him on it. If you do, he'll laugh it off, and stop -- for maybe 48 hours or so, and then he'll be right back at it.

To the surprise of, well, everyone who's ever met him, he doesn't actually live up to the rumors of having been around the block, so to speak. His experience is actually little to none - that kinda happens when you push everyone around you away. Not that he'd ever let you know that, of course, and will probably lie if asked, but you can gleam a little bit of truth from slightly awkward movements and a bit of noticeable shakiness.

How forceful are they? Do they care about your willingness?

Kind of like Razor, the issue is that he loves you, and what better way is there of expressing love? He's not much for gift-giving or words of affirmation - no, he's a lot better with words of degradation, it comes more naturally to him. And he's certainly not one to enjoy acts of service -- well, not doing them, he'll gladly take them as a sign of your love, though. No, he expresses love through touch. It's like how, when you hug someone you really love, someone you missed, you squeeze them extra tight - the love manifests as a physical urge for some strong expression. Humans are physical about their emotions -- we punch walls when we're mad, we jump up and down when we're happy, and when you love someone, sometimes you just really, really want to pound them into a mattress as hard as physically possible. That's normal. That, and really, he's got his vices. He's actually fairly weak when it comes to resisting temptations, and prone to give in to urges for physical sensations like drunkenness and sex.

Is another one to be convinced that, with time, you'll come around. And is absolutely the top candidate to be one for using your own body against you - if you get wet, if you whimper, if you cum, that's just proof that you really do want this, that you're just being difficult because you enjoy being a brat, and he'll be sure to tell you that.

What sort of kinks or fetishes do they have, or would they fill?

This is nearly indistinguishable from punishment, sadistic bastard

D/S dynamics

Arrogant fucker wants to be served and worshipped, you could see it coming from a mile away. Anything that puts you beneath him is going to make him happy - anything where you're where you're supposed to be. There's a lot of options, but it doesn't really matter, as long as he feels like he's in control and ownership of you in some way, and as long as you act accordingly.

He wants it to be something that’s not just for sex, but rather, he’ll end up carrying it over into normal life, whether you like it or not. If you just went along with it in hopes of getting it over with once he cums, you’re going to be in for a treat when it starts to carry over. He gets a little too used to being worshipped, and decides he likes that submissive attitude on you enough to want to see it all the time.

Petplay/Collaring

It really helps that he sees you as something of a pet already, but really, the collar is the selling point. Even if you never go outside, there's something unbearably hot about the possessiveness of it all - really, it's there to remind you of your status as property. He wants to own you, and for you to be forced to acknowledge that he owns you, and there's really no better way to do that than something with his name on it. It's even better with a leash, one he can pull on when he's fucking you to pull you back onto him over, and over, and over, hearing it choke you the more he shortens it.

But really, having you crawl towards him on all fours and obey little commands so simple they're humiliating is pretty nice, too.

Impact pain/painplay

There's really nothing quite so powerful feeling as watching you cry and squirm from it, y'know? He's another one that just likes the marks his hands, belts, or anything else can leave all over the skin of your ass and the back of your legs. The thing with him, though, is it's not even always a punishment, he just does it for fun, and that makes it unpredictable. Will definitely make you count, it's a sadistic torture for your mind and body.

Throatfucking

May be used as a punishment measure, may just be because he's craving it, either way, even if you have a gag reflex, you won't for very long. He'll train it out of you gradually, grabbing the back of your head and just slamming all the way down into your throat, holding you there, making you choke - it's a beautiful sound, really, listening to you gag, all while your throat spasms around him, it's the best feeling, really, and will definitely be used as a threat if you need incentives to behave.

Choking

Ties into the dynamics, but really, there’s not much to say on this one. He likes the power trip from having his hands wrapped around your throat, seeing you struggle, watching your face go red, hearing those little choking noises. It puts power over you into his hands, and if you get pleasure from it against your own will, that’s even better.

How do they feel about pregnancy or babies? Do they want them?

Absolutely one of the ones to use it as a tool. If you have a baby, you'll be so much more bound to him. You'll need him more, you'll want him around more, you'll be much less likely to leave, and in a way it feels a little bit like a sign of ownership over you.

That being said, he's also acutely aware of his jealous tendencies, and realizes he would also be very likely to become jealous if he felt like you loved a baby more than him, or gave it more attention and affection than you do him. He doesn't like the thought.

So ultimately, the latter side prevents him from willingly trying, but if you really, really have defiance issues even after he's tried everything he can to break you help you adjust, he might consider it.

What kind of (nsfw) punishments would they use?

If it's mild enough, he can just take the route of extremely rough fucking - it gets rid of the frustration, he likes hearing you whimper and squeal, and he can leave lots of little bruises as reminders of what not to do in the future.

But, again, he already gets off to putting you in pain - it'll be that much worse when you've done something to deserve it. Harder hits, no mercy whatsoever, and he just loves all your little cries, wiping away your tears and smiling at you, right before bringing down whatever instrument of pain he's chosen again. If you really, really make him mad, and he really wants to make you cry, he's not above fucking your ass, either, watching you cry and beg, but you'll learn with time that begging doesn't ever get you out of anything.

What body parts of their darling do they like the most?

Definitely an ass man. Likes fucking you in doggy, seeing the ripple every time you bounce back off of him, pulling your hair or arms to add some force. He likes seeing all the little red marks that his hands and belts and anything else will leave on the skin, views it like marks of possession. Grabbing, beating, fucking, it's all good.

[immaturityofthomasastruc]

Gabriel Agreste: Interesting Villain, Horrible Character (400 Follower Special)

I'm honestly surprised more people didn't want me to talk about Gabriel, especially with how often I rag on how horrible of a person he is. But, three character analysis posts later, and we're going to talk about why the main villain of Miraculous Ladybug is a real letdown.

Gabriel Needs to give the Whining a Rest

The interesting thing is one of the few things I actually liked in Season 3 was Hawkmoth. His plans actually made sense (for the most part), and by playing the long game, he managed to turn Chloe against Ladybug and deprived her of several key allies. Granted, Season 4 immediately undid the latter, but I was still impressed by his strategy.

Generally, one of the better aspects of Gabriel as a character was just how over the top he was as Hawkmoth. Keith Silverstein is clearly giving it his all with his performance, and he is just so enjoyable to watch as a cartoonish supervillain.

And therein lies the first major problem with Gabriel as a character. While he is fun to watch as a simple supervillain, the show tries to give him more depth and unintentionally makes him worse.

In Season 2, when it was revealed that Gabriel was Hawkmoth, many fans speculated on what he needed the Miraculous for, until the Queen Bee Trilogy showed it was to save his possibly dead wife, Emilie. The idea of that is so the show can give more depth to its main villain, and I think it's an interesting idea in concept. After all, the road to Hell is paved with good intentions.

The problem is just how radically different Gabriel is normally compared to how he is as Hawkmoth. He always goes on about how he's “doing this for Emilie”, but it's hard to really sympathize with him when you consider he constantly gives evil monologues and evil laughs, really getting into the supervillain role. And let's not forget all of the “I'm going to wear Ladybug's skin as a suit” faces he loves to make.

Clearly this man is the picture of mental stability.

Gabriel's motivation for being Hawkmoth when compared to what he actually does as Hawkmoth is shady enough, but the thing is that the writers clearly want the audience to at least feel a little bad for him. They want to make the audience sympathize with him despite the way he acts with or without the mask. Without Miraculous Ladybug, he is routinely putting innocent lives in danger and never once shows regret for his actions. All he talks about is how “he's doing this for Emilie”, or that “he'll get their Miraculous soon”. There's no real reason to feel bad for him other than “because the script says so”.

Let's compare Gabriel to Malcolm Merlyn from Arrow. His big plan in the first season of the show is to create a machine that will cause an earthquake to destroy a crime-infested portion of Starling City, claiming to be trying to help everyone, but it's clear he is only doing it out of revenge for his wife getting killed by a criminal from that part of the city. In addition, throughout that season and future seasons, he always makes sure his plans lead to him benefiting in some way, showing he isn't just some noble man trying to achieve his goals with a less than noble method.

If we got some moments that showed that what Gabriel was doing was selfish, it would make him a more complex villain. But we don't get anything like that. What do we get instead? Well...

I Could Really Care Less About Emilie Agreste

We have known Gabriel's motivation has been to save his wife for a little over two years at this point, but at the same time, it's hard to believe that motivation because of how underdeveloped Emilie is as a character.

There have been a total of two lines in the entirety of the show that explain what happened to Emilie, and they're both vague as hell. One of them was from “Feast” that implied Emilie used the broken Peacock Miraculous.

Adrien: My mom used to have dizzy spells… just like Nathalie.

And the other that outright tells the audience what's happening to her in a clip show that most people will skip.

Nathalie: As I've watched Emilie falling deeper into an endless sleep, my sadness for her has deepened, too

That is literally all we get for an explanation, and nothing else. We have no idea of what she's like as a person or what her relationship with her family was like other than Gabriel and Adrien saying they miss her. Other than the way the narrative says she's important to Gabriel and Adrien, we don't really have a reason to care about her as a character. There have also been some lines that imply she went along with Gabriel's questionable parenting techniques, like how he was apparently only homeschooled as a kid (Origins) and never had a birthday party growing up (The Bubbler), so how do we even know if she's a good person? In fact, why not set up this question as a mystery to make the audience wonder if Gabriel has another reason to bring Emilie back?

It ultimately turns Emilie into a plot device and not a character that Gabriel and Adrien only bring up to make the audience feel bad for them, and meant to justify Gabriel's actions by saying that he's “doing this for his family”.

But hey, if he's doing this all for his family, surely Gabriel's redeeming traits come from his relationship with Adrien, right? Right?

As a Parent, Gabriel is Far From the Best

I've talked about this briefly before, but parenting in Miraculous Ladybug is written in such a black and white way, even by the standards of this show. Parents are portrayed in one of two ways. They're either amazing people who love and support their children unconditionally, or they're awful people who treat their own children like trash. And much like a lot of things in this show, there are times where the latter is treated like the former.

There are so many times where the narrative insists on making you see Gabriel as a troubled, but wellmeaning person who tries his best to be a good parent to Adrien, but it is far from the truth.

I'm not going to beat around the bush. Gabriel is a terrible parent. Like, he is awful at being a parent in so many ways, even before you find out he's Hawkmoth. In his first appearance, “The Bubbler”, he delegates getting Adrien a birthday present to Nathalie, his assistant. He literally can't be bothered to take time out of his schedule to get his own son a present for his birthday. And as the show goes on, he becomes more controlling and forbids Adrien from going out with his friends in other episodes (Captain Hardrock, Silencer). While this could be used to show Gabriel getting worse, it's never acknowledged in-universe, with Adrien continually defending his father essentially keeping him on house arrest.

“But IOTA!” You might say. “Gabriel has made efforts to bond with his son in some episodes.” While that might be true, most of those come right after his Akumas have almost gotten Adrien killed. He only hugged Adrien and made an attempt to learn more about him after Simon Says invaded their home, he only decided to watch that movie Emilie was in with Adrien after Gorizilla nearly dropped him off a building, and he only hugged Adrien again in public after he was turned into a gold statue by Style Queen.

In fact, let's talk about how Gabriel acts in the Queen Bee Trilogy. He actually decides to quit being Hawkmoth, but it's not because he realizes all the damage he's caused. Instead, he gave up because his “magnum opus”, a stronger than usual Akuma that only got the advantage on Ladybug ironically because of dumb luck, failed. Sure, he says he can't keep putting his son in danger, but he rarely ever acknowledges that he does so in the first place. When Riposte wanted to fight Adrien, Hawkmoth did nothing to stop her other than giving her a stern warning earlier on and nothing else. Where was this attitude earlier?

Hell, even then, he immediately goes back to being Hawkmoth as soon as he sees an opportunity, not even a day after his “mAgNuM oPuS” blew up in his face (because I guess Scarletmoth was just Plan B). If he made such a big deal about caring for his son, why didn't he try harder to spend time with him? Has he ever had doubts about what he's doing before? If Chloe didn't show up as Queen Bee, was he going to follow through on his promise and try to be a better father to Adrien instead of trying to get Ladybug and Cat Noir's Miraculous?

And yeah, the whole irony is that Gabriel is doing this for his family when he is unknowingly fighting his own son, which could lead to some interesting drama if done right. The idea of how Gabriel would react to his son being Cat Noir could really lead to some internal struggles for him to go through. But then we got “Cat Blanc”, which shows just how terrible of a character Gabriel is.

In an alternate timeline where he found out his son was Cat Noir, what does Gabriel do? Does he try to steal Adrien's Miraculous while he's sleeping? Does he reconsider his actions or realize he was endangering Adrien's life?

NOPE! He just decides to akumatize him all while emotionally tormenting him, before causing the end of the world.

This is honestly one of the most appalling things I've ever seen in any TV show, because it's basically an abusive father ordering his son to listen to him all while referencing his (kind of) dead mother to back up his point. And rather than use this to show how despicable Gabriel is, the episode decides to blame Marinette for this happening. Yes, according to the show, her present to Adrien caused several events to happen which caused Cat Blanc, but this logic makes no sense. It's like blaming the JFK assassination on the man who sold a gun to Lee Harvey Oswald, instead of, you know, Lee Harvey Oswald.

Not only was this episode yet another excuse to blame Marinette for something that wasn't her fault, it leads into the biggest problem I have with Gabriel as a character.

Sympathize with Gabriel? Surely, You Jest

After everything I've gone over regarding Gabriel as a character, after all the awful things I've talked about, are you really surprised that I don't feel bad for him at all?

Gabriel is just an awful character and a despicable human being, but the show just keeps wanting me to feel bad for him. It's just so hard to when you consider everything he's done has made him anything but sympathetic. I'm just saying, it's kind of hard to feel bad for someone who tries to start World War III with the only justification being “i'M dOiNg It FoR mY fAmIlY”, especially when he treats his family like crap.

The writers go out of their way to show how horrible Gabriel is as Hawkmoth/Shadowmoth, but they think because they throw in a few moments where he looks conflicted, we'll immediately feel bad for him. What makes so many people interested in seeing Chloe become a better person is that they can tell she's the victim of a troubled upbringing, and know that because she's only a teenager, she still has room to grow as a person, represented by having more honest moments of vulnerability. Gabriel is a grown man who once caused the apocalypse because of how terrible of a parent he is, and has even fewer sympathetic moments than Chloe does. Which one of these two is supposedly irredeemable? The answer may surprise you.

But the frustrating thing is that this kind of villain could have worked. Instead of making him this mustache-twirling psychopath, show how much Gabriel regrets what he has to do, but keeps pushing onward despite all the lives he's risking if it means that he can save his wife. Instead of making Gabriel like Lex Luthor, make him like Mr. Freeze, who is basic a better written version of him.

But as it stands, there's a good reason why Gabriel gets little to no respect as a character in the Miraculous Ladybug fandom, as a villain, or as a father.

[jiangwanyinscatmom]

[1/?] Sorry for venting. I just saw some bad takes that gave me a lot of feelings. Personally, JC stresses me out every time he comes on screen, but I don't mind it when JC fans say fan-typical things like how they like JC because he wears purple, or is grumpy, or they think he's hot, or that they ship x*ch*ng because the cql actors have nice jawlines. They're harmless, fun takes, and while I don't agree with some of them, I see where they're coming from

Hello there anon, vent away as that is what my blog is open for as I love/hate on Jiang Cheng as he is in the plot, as well as all of my beef with what has been done to him for the EN side of the fanbase! I am more than fine listening and engaging with the unsavory "unpopular" discussions of his canon behavior and this goes for anyone of course that needs an open play area. I'll try to engage with what you have sent point by point as succinctly as I can.

[2/?] (some of these are obviously crack, and I am a fan of a few problematic faves). But then there are stans that just have to put other characters down to make JC look good. Like, I think some fans take their freedom of interpretation for granted because most of these takes aren't even labeled 'headcanon,' 'ooc,' or 'crack' anymore. Stans feel that their interpretations are valid, and while they are, valid =/= canon, and they're treating these takes as canon, which becomes popular fanon.

I enjoy Jiang Cheng for what he is, however as I had said it took me another reread to get to my stance of him being the negative mirror to Lan Wangji's positive and my comfort with that for the story once I realized what purpose he served. He is only insofar tragic in regards to his circumstances, but it does not absolve him for what he is at his core (no pun, but I can make a very nice metaphor that even with a piece of Wei Wuxian in him he is still forever unable and unwilling to stand by him equally all while stagnating where as Lan Wangji is able to flourish, grow and mature with nothing of import left from Wei Wuxian in a technical sense). As for ships, I am a little dirty Xicheng whore for fun and can say there is a sense of entertainment for me making it work with two people where one is wildly ignorant and the other wildly rabid. But that is outside of what is established as canon in the work and I always try to keep the two strictly separate due to the skew fanon perpetuates.

3/?] And now, it's not clear what part of the fanon references canon JC or the canon events of mdzs. JC is an asshole; I don't like him as a person, but I do think that he's a complex character motivated by many issues (sup, YeeZY), which makes him fascinating to explore. Unfortunately, erasing his culpability also removes his agency. JC should be allowed to be an asshole character who makes his own decisions even if they're the wrong ones. He has made his own tragedy by constantly casting Wei Wuxian as the villain of his life.

Now thanks to you I will be using YeeZY to forever and now to acknowledge Madam Yu (this is your fault for the new tag). From a standing from storytelling I agree that he is complex in the Jianghu for MDZS. Where in the usual political intrigue of Wuxia, he would be the mustache twirling villain that is outright unforgivable in narration, it is by favor of Wei Wuxian's narration that has an early steeping of empathy for him. And he is not meant to be seen as ultimately sympathetic, the work builds up his hate against Wei Wuxian who tries to rationalize it all several times until he is finally unable to. Jiang Cheng is the antithesis to Lan Wangji and the false bait to get attached to in Wei Wuxian's first life. I will make the note their meeting in Yiling is lukewarm between both as they exchange nothing really in terms of conversation and all pleasantries are left in terms of Jiang Yanli for Wei Wuxian. By this point Wei Wuxian has already switched his yearnings of platonically wanting a part of Jiang Cheng's life, to subconscious romantic inclinations about Lan Wangji and the perceived loss of being in the other's life.

The very point of Jiang Cheng as the deconstruction, is that he has no passion in life despite his apparent exploits because he put a shadow to hang over himself as an excuse to say others think he is not good enough. He has no deeper motivations than pure selfishness by the end of the work and is pure frivolity that he has built up losing the meaning of his sect as a tradition. He had his agency (more than anyone I might add in the work due to his social position) that he used to build his reputation as a passive rich sect leader that has little to do with civilian problems.

4/?] And I think a JC, somehow, that realizes that he did something wrong and is working hard to change for the better and gain self-actualization to become that UWU best jiujiu the stans want him to be, who is ready to talk (not yell at) with WWX, apologize to him, and create a better, healthier relationship with him is a much more powerful reconciliation and happy ending than 'everyone is wrong and mean and they all apologize to JC, which magically gets rid of all his issues'.

He is forced out of culpability in reconciliation because simply put, his audience do not like the reality that relationships fray and dissolve with no further resolution other than we as adults both need to move on for safety and good health. It is not acceptable in real life and fiction is allowed to place that also in it's thematic relationships. He has a small, small spark of recognition at the end of the main story, however he himself seems to choose to ignore it, as change is hard and he has never taken to that well as was foreshadowed with his dogs and the idea of sharing a space with Wei Wuxian. To write this is an awful lot of work into his psyche which is not a nice place, he is a terrible being and downplaying that to make a sugar sweet person does not work instantaneously. He is the one responsible for the entire fallout with Wei Wuxian and he hysterically realizes that even as he tries to continue to blame Wei Wuxian.

The issue that I have with his current stan culture, is that they already view him as something he is not. They play at bicycle with all of the other protagonists that have positive traits that they strip as they see fit; Good affirming loving to children adult Lan Wangji, Self-sacrificing ultimately did it all for love and care Wei Wuxian, Hard exterior but softened to who they consider an annoyance Wen Qing, Loyal as partners in their exploits on the field and always have each others back Wen Ning. They even take Jin Guangyao's persona of playing damsel and using that as a positive to soften up Jiang Cheng into something he has never been for anyone for ships.

[5/5] Also, making WWX/WN/LWJ apologize just makes them look better than JC. Like, stans supposedly love JC, so they ahouldn't be lazy and work hard to give him actual character development. Again, I'm sorry for spamming your ask. It just really baffles me about where they get these 'hot' takes (All I'm going to say is that JC was ungrateful, and WN had a reason verbally dismantle him).

They see this, but, they will spin it in any way to excuse Jiang Cheng due to the story itself showing that he was in the wrong to everyone he flung accusations at and his hate. No one but him is at fault for his spite as he had gotten his revenge on the ones that had ruined Lotus Pier and killed his parents. His own resentment pitted him against good and well meaning people that he refused to help as he mimicked his mother's words about raising their heads higher out of goodness instead of keeping low and staying self-centered. There is the underlying criticism of taking individual arrogance as self-care at the cost of others. Each point that Wen Ning makes is exactly what Jiang Cheng himself knows as he hated Wei Wuxian for being something he could not be or even wanted to be. Jiang Cheng wants kindness but does not understand that kindness to others needs to be selfless and accept the hurt that can come with that in life. He encompasses the fall from the path of buddhist lifestyle, "The Three Poisons" to Wangxian's "Without Envy" at the stories end.

[6/5] P.S. I'm not saying I want reconciliation fics, but I just feel that if stans want JC to have a happy ending, then I think that he should actively work for it. I think it would be interesting to see what force of nature would push him through a character development because throwing a therapist at him would result in a murder.

"I'm not saying I want reconciliation fics, but I just feel that if stans want JC to have a happy ending, then I think that he should actively work for it."

They do not think he has to work for it, they say his tragedy is enough, while heaping accusations against Wei Wuxian and saying his own are not enough to absolve him. Something Wei Wuxian has never denied and told all present they are allowed to forever hate him for what he had done in the past, but that they need to find a way to live in a life that is always moving on. He learned that grudges do nothing once they are absolved and it leaves you with hate with nothing else to do with it once that object is gone. In terms of reconciliation, I do not ever think that either want anything other than a distant peaceful out of each other's life set up. Jiang Cheng does not need Wei Wuxian in his life to be satisfied and never has since he used him as the handicap to hide behind to stay angry and miserable. Being without that fallback opens the world far more for him to change than him ever interacting like an old friend with Wei Wuxian ever again, if he ever had the guts to do that.

[agent-cupcake]

Hey AC! I love your blog and was wondering if I could get your opinion on something. I've seen some people complaining that Ingrid and Hilda are treated by the fandom, with Ingrid stans saying that Hilda is also racist towards Almyrans (which, granted, she is) but doesn't get nearly as much hate about it as Ingrid does. But personally I feel like their attitudes and the way they react towards Dedue/Cyril are wildly different and Hilda generally seems less hateful/irrational about it. Thoughts?

This is... kind of a touchy topic... I like it though! It’s worth discussing, especially since I feel like it’s broke criticism to simply deflect blame onto a character in order to prop up another.  Full and obvious disclosure: I very much dislike Ingrid and very much love Hilda. That said, I don’t think it’s fair to compare them for the sake of which is worse. I fall into the trap of character criticism through comparison far too often and it's not really valid unless you can fully explore each character in their own right beforehand. Which is why, while writing this, I came to the conclusion that the ways these two characters are interpreted and the reason people view their racist tendencies differently has far more to do with the characters themselves than their actual beliefs.

From first impressions to subsequent playthroughs, this is pretty much how I feel about Ingrid: she brings up her hatred of the Duscur people and Dedue unprompted and uncontested several times at the very beginning of the game, putting it front and center to her character. This is important, it sets a foundational component for how I could come to view her. According to her introduction, she is honorable and respectful, a model lady knight trope. But, as mentioned, she's really racist. Literally standing around thinking about how awful it is that Dimitri would trust a man of Duscur because they are all bad people. Yikes. And nobody calls her on it. Again, this is very important for perception. People judge Sylvain for his bad behavior in a much more harsh way than they do Ingrid for her vitriolic loathing for another classmate who we have seen as nothing but respectful. It's weird. And then, despite the fact that her close friend Sylvain was able to reason out that it’s not possible for the Duscur people to be at fault for the Tragedy, despite the fact that the prince of the country she supposedly hopes to serve with unwavering respect and loyalty has made it clear that he does not believe that Dedue or Duscar are responsible for the Tragedy, and despite the fact that Dimitri, her close friend and the one most affected by the Tragedy (seriously, she lost a guy she might have married and he lost his best friend, mother, and watched his father be killed in front of his eyes) continuously insists that neither Dedue nor Duscur are at fault, she loudly and openly believes that the ensuing massacre of Duscur was deserved and Dedue is inherently culpable simply because of his race. Her motivations for this hatred feel even more cheap considering her dogged hero worship for Glenn was born out of the fact that she was promised to him, making the fact that she’d use his death as reason enough for the destruction of countless innocent lives even more unsympathetic in my eyes. I mean, seriously, she was around 13 and he was older than her, how close could they have truly been? Dimitri says they were in love, but she was a child. Abandoning my modern sensibilities about age of consent or whatever, kids at that age don't have the emotional or mental capability. Maybe this is just nitpicking, but I have a very hard time caring about that relationship. But, if her actual justification is because of what happened to Faerghus as a result of the Tragedy and feels duty-bound as a knight to find justice through the systematic destruction of the Duscur people, then it just circles back to confusion considering the future leader of said country doesn't hold Duscur or Dedue responsible. The importance of perception comes in because despite these paper thin excuses and her seemingly willfully ignorant hatred, she is never challenged on her racist beliefs. The reason she seems to change her mind about Dedue and consider that maybe excusing a genocide is wrong stems from guilt that Dedue continuously comes to her aid in battle at the potential cost of his own life. I can understand, to a certain extent, why she might feel the way she does. But, again, I have such a hard time with any justification when nobody that she's close to is even nearly as hateful as her, there is plenty of evidence (evidence that the people close to her have found!) to provide a very reasonable counterclaim to Duscur's guilt, and that none of that even matters when it would require her to openly contradict the prince of her country to make the claim that Dedue was in any way complicit in the Tragedy. Which would be fine if she wasn't established as the model Lady Knight archetype, which also brings us into Ingrid's moral high horse. Admittedly, I hate the Lady Knight trope. I have a significant bias against these types of characters. However, I really do think that this moral crusade is where she lost me completely. Without even a shred of empathy or self awareness, she lectures Sylvain about his shitty behavior even though their circumstances are at least somewhat similar and he has his reasons (bad ones, maybe, but ones worth understanding if she actually cares about him), she lectures Felix about not being interested in knightly endeavors (an aspect of his character that is born of the trauma she has appropriated), and she lectures Claude about behavior that is befitting of a man in his position. Not because she cares about the girls Sylvain is hurting, not because she thinks there are any grave stakes from Felix choosing to do his own thing, and not because she knows that Claude's behavior affects his ability to lead, but because she doesn't like these behaviors and thinks they should be fixed. Yet, at the same time, she believes Dedue deserved to lose his family, country, and culture based on his birth and nobody ever does anything to morally correct her, it is something she eventually is forced to acknowledge on her own. It's frustrating, infuriating even, that the game lets her get away with being so grossly hypocritical. And, all the while, she is being painted as sympathetic. Again, I have a hard time feeling sympathy for her about Glenn, and I certainty don't feel sympathetic towards her issues about marriage because there's never any actual tension there. Of course she won't be forced to marry, she's a Lady Knight. Beyond being unsympathetic, I also find her massively unlikable. Awful design, poor voice direction, food-loving-as-a-personality-trait, the fact that she's written as one of those stock "feminist" characters who hate makeup and girly things until it benefits them, and constantly butting in on other characters to give her opinion without taking any criticism herself are all aspects that I just personally dislike. Ultimately, Ingrid being racist is only a symptom of the many reasons her character is one of my least favorites. Most of these points can be countered by someone who doesn't take issue with the things that annoy me and to point out that Ingrid DOES get over her racist beliefs. It's not fair to say that she doesn't change but, for me, the damage was already done by the time she became tolerable so I still have a hard time appreciating her. My assumption would be that there are a lot of other people who feel similarly to me regarding their dislike of Ingrid so they focus on one easy character flaw, her being racist at the beginning of the game, as a reason to validate their dislike of her overall.

On the other hand, Hilda's racism isn't a main trait of her character. It's related to her overarching character flaws, but she doesn't bring it up unprompted and can actually be pretty much missed without the Cyrill supports. Like you said, Hilda does seem less hateful and irrational, it doesn't take willful malice and an active rejection of reason for Hilda to dislike the Almyrans, they pose a genuine and provable threat to her family and territory, seemingly senselessly testing the borders and throwing away lives for the sake of conquest. To be clear, her "you're not like those OTHER Almyrans" schtick is legitimately nasty. Her behavior is gross and condescending and it really underscores the fact that Hilda is ignorant, lazy, inconsiderate, and incredibly comfortable in her privilege. She accepts what she's been told at face value because she's too lazy to look into it further. Cyrill does tell her she's stupid to think that way, though. Which is satisfying because Hilda in those supports is insufferable, it really highlights the worst aspects of her character, dismissive, manipulative, and very selfish. However, for me, she's also very likeable. I'm not interested in going over my opinions on her like I did with Ingrid as I don’t feel it’s as important to my point but a few reasons I really like her is because I think Hilda has a fantastic design, cute supports, amazing voice work, and is secretly sweet in a way that absolutely tickles my fancy. I am sure many people do not agree with me, which is fine. Additionally, just as Ingrid grows out of her racist beliefs, so does Hilda. They both end the game as more tolerant and caring people. Still, for the same reason a person could argue that Ingrid is actually great and I'm being unfair, they could argue that Hilda is terrible and I'm too biased. That's fair and true..... but I think the fact that Hilda is more generally appealing in conjunction with the less obvious nature of her racist attitude makes people less likely to dismiss her as a racist in the same way they do Ingrid. Unless they dislike Hilda, in which case, it’s all fair game.

Anyyyways, a main takeaway from this is that I highly doubt people are truly arguing on the individual basis of who's more racist, but that they're engaging in the age old waifu war. As with many characters in this game, it's easier to argue moral superiority when you can't quite articulate what you like or don't like about a character. Or, even worse, when you're arguing opinion. Even now, as is clear by reading this, I am arguing my opinion of why I don't like Ingrid. Not because she's racist, but because of the character traits and writing choices that make her unlikable to me. I like Hilda because, flaws and all, I find her to be compelling and enjoyable. From the people that I know, at least, that is basically how the Ingrid stans v Hilda racism argument is structured, even if they dress it up in different language.

By the by Hilda never talks about how the Almyrans deserve to be wiped out. I think that probably sours a lot of people's opinions of Ingrid no matter what happened afterward but that’s fine we can just pretend that didn’t happen

[linkspooky]

Toga Himiko’s Normal Life

Himiko looks like the most straight forward case of what pop culutre considers to be a classical sociopath / psychopath in My Hero Acadmia. Shigaraki, Dabi, Hawks were all groomed to become the way they were, but Himiko possessed a natural inclination towards blood and violence from the start. She seesm to be a natural born cold blooded killer, however in this meta I’ll argue that while Toga seems like the flip-side of a normal, good person like Uraraka, she’s actually just a normal girl herself. 

1. Character Origins

Volume sixteen of My Hero Academia had an official illustration included as an extra that shows the characters Twice and Himiko drawn together in an illusion to a famous Joker and Harley Quinn illustration. 

Now, I’m not going so far as to claim Himiko was based off of Harley Quinn, but one the league of villains and characters like Twice (and ReDestro) have made similiar references to the Joker before that especially with the quote “All it takes is one bad day”. There’s also enough similarities betweeen the two characters, they’re both the only female members of a crime syndicate that is mostly men, and dominated by men. Their backstories mirror each other, they were both relatively sane, normal, girls, until suddenly they cracked one day and became a total inversion of their previous presonality. There are enough similarities that I could use Harley as an example to explain a few of the important ideas present in Toga’s character. 

They are also both female characters who are written with love as the central concept of their characters. Harley’s origin as originally depicted in the comic and episode for the Batman the Animated Series “Mad Love” goes as follows: Harleen Quinzell was a psychiatrist working at Arkham. Eventualy she came to sympathize with one of her patients which triggered a transformation in her from well meaning doctor, to love-sick sycophant of the joker who broke him out of prison. 

A lot of Batman Villains have origins like this. The most comparable one is Harvey Dent. Proescutors, Doctors, we are told the people who hold these jobs are good and righteous people. Even Harley herself started out as someone who just sympathized with a patient too much. However, somehow they become flipped into the exact opposite versions of themselves. They go mad for lack of a better words. Harvey Dent who was once a symbol of justice, becomes nothing more than a murderer, and Harley Quinn goes from healer to the sidekick of a mad clown willing to destroy everything in the name of love. 

The question, asked in both Himiko and Harley’s stories is how can good people flip like this? 

Most people have a black and white view of these issues: good people are only capable of good actions, and bad people are capable of bad actions. It’s hard to swallow the fact that any normal person has the capacity to cause so much harm inside of them. 

We see similiar remarks in the background of Himiko’s story. Himiko comes from a good upper class family, she went to what was most likely a good school, she was always smiling and surrounded by friends. Everyone who comments on her sudden transformation reacts in a similiar way. “She was aways so cheerful and well-behaved, I still find it hard to believe.” She was always such a good girl, and good people don’t do those things. 

Normal people, good people, don’t have the capacity to do bad. That’s what makes the transformations so shocking. Therapists/Doctors are supposed to heal, Prosecutors are supposed to be just. And now we return to our old friend Jung. 

The story of Harleen Quinzell and Harley Quinn. The story of Himiko Toga the happy middle school girl and Himiko Toga the serial killer is a tale told over and over again, it’s just usually told with male protagonists instead of female ones. It’s Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. 

Robert Louis Stevenson’s The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde (1886) is a late-Victorian variation on ideas first raised in Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein (1818). Stevenson’s monster, however, is not artificially created from stitched-together body parts, but rather emerges fully formed from the dark side of the human personality. In the story Dr Jekyll, an admired member of the professional Victorian middle-classes, conducts a series of scientific experiments which unleash from his own psyche the ‘bestial’ and ‘ape-like’ Mr Hyde (ch. 10). Gothic fiction had examined the idea of the sinister alter ego or double before on many occasions but Stevenson’s genius with Jekyll and Hyde was to show the dual nature not only of one man but also of society in general.

“Man is not one, but truly two.”

Robert Louis Stevenson

Both cases are tales are transformation, of the monster coming from within. Himiko transforms from middle school girl into serial killer. Harleen Quinzell transforms into Harley Quinn. Dr. Jekyll becomes Mr. Hyde. We witness a transformation into a monster that seems the antithesis of everything that person was boefre, but was inside of them all along this works because of the jungian idea of the shadow. 

The shadow is the unconscious side of personality. The shadow is what exists but what we do not acknowledge. If our behavior during everyday life, choosing to smile, choosing to talk to people, choosing to use our manners is a mask then the shadow is the face beyond the mask. The conscious personality conceals, the shadow reveals. It’s the difference betewen who we are and who we choose to be. The shadow isn’t necessarily negative however. The shadow is just the repressed side of our personalities, it’s what we try to hide. 

The shadow plays a role in Harleen’s transformation. While it’s present in Mad Love as well, a recent miniseries ‘Harleen’ really dives into the Jungian symbolism. There’s even several similarities in common with Himiko’s story, for example there’s a scene where Harleen is shown watching the bat man beat up joker and notice how everyone is cheering despite the fact that it’s violent. 

Himiko’s interest in a boy is sparked by watching him get into a fight while everybody else is cheering for him. 

The cover page depicts the change between Quinn and Quinnzel as a crumbling mask, which is the exact same imagery used for Himiko. 

When she enters Arkham she chooses to depict Harley Quinn’s silhouette in Harleen’s shadow. Once again implying that the transformation is not so sudden and jarring as it seems, that Harley Quinn has always been there and is a part of her psychology the same way Mr. Hyde is inside Dr. Jekyll. 

The comic even points it out. Harleen, and also by extension Harvey Dent are people who claim to be “good, righteous people’ and yet both of them end up transforming into murderers. Two-face’s name is literally two-face.

There’s also one particularly Jungian sequence in the middle of the conflict. She dreams (dreams are unconscious and therefore the realm of the shadow in Jung’s theories) about the city of gotham as a place inhabited with citizens who are monsters wearing the faces of human beings. 

The idea is consistent throughout that Harleen is not really a ‘good person’ she’s merely repressed. She has had this capacity to be violent inside of her, this selfishness, all of these dark desires carried with her all along but rather than deal with them in any healthy way she repressed them until repressing them is no longer an option. Harvey Dent’s face gets half burned off, Harley’s skinn gets bleached by chemicals, the monsterous features inside of them are now worn on their faces and they have to wear their ugliness on the outside rather than the inside. They are now expressing every single thing they have repressed. However, the suggestion in both stories is that these are not special cases, that Gotham is such a repressed society that everyone is repressing the things they don’t like about themselves in that way. Harley fell in mad love sure, but love was just the reason, just the trigger, the truth is those feelings always lurked inside of her and she had no healthy way of dealing with them before that point. 

That is the shadow, it’s everything you repress but it never disappears. If you ignore it, it takes on a life of its own. In some cases, like Harley’s you basically become your own shadow. Harley is the flipped upside down version of Harleen Quinzel, now her inner demons are what are expressed on the surface (desperation to be loved, violence, etc.) while her ‘normal’ self is hidden under a mask of insanity. That’s in fact how she ends the comic, Harley qalking around while Harley is trapped on the other side of the mirror because they have basically traded places. Now Mr. Hyde is walking around, while Dr. Jekyll is hidden personality. But it’s important to remember it’s not something like a split personality, Harleen Quinzell and Harley Quinn were always two sides of the same person. Even when she starts expressing her ‘bad’ traits, the good traits don’t go away. They’re just hidden underneath the surface the way the repressed bad traits used to be. Because you’re not good or bad, you’re not one side or the other. You’re both at the same time. Man is not one, but truly two. 

So the complexity in Himiko comes from understanding that she’s BOTH a normal girl, and also a blood crazy yandere psycho. 

2. A Normal Girl - Uraraka Ochaco

Uraraka is a pretty standard shonen heroine. She’s a cheerful girl. She’s a supportive friend. She’s the embodiment of what you’d call a good, kind, person and doesn’t seem to be any more complex than that. She lacks say the drive to be a hero that Midoriya does, the superiority complex that Bakugo has, the emotional issues that Todoroki has. She seems to always be agreeable and in a cheerful mood. 

If you look just a little bit closer though she always seems to be walking on eggshells when she’s around others. She doesn’t want to join Deku and the others to try to save Bakugo from the heroes because, it might hurt Bakugo’s feelings. 

When she loses in the hero tournament, she apologizes to her parents crying not because she feels bad that she lost, but she feels like she failed them. Like it was her job to win and bring money home. However, when Deku comes to check on her in the room she’s already completely hidden her tears. 

Going into her backstory we learn that Uraraka is walking on eggshells around everybody due to her own parents, that she’s spent her life trying to be as small of a burden on them as possible because she could see the tired looks on their faces. She’s a child who felt guilty that her parents had to take care of her. 

So, for Uraraka her entire life is devoted to making herself seem as small and inconsequential as possible. Other people’s needs will always trump hers. Other people will always have more noble motivations for becoming a hero than she has. Other people’s emotions will always be louder and take priority over hers. Uraraka sees her own emotions and needs as mere trifles that get in the way, and so she always shuts them down. We see Uraraka as a version of Himiko, a high school girl who always appears to be cheerful and well-behaved but is merely repressed. 

Uraraka repeats the same unhealthy behavior as Himiko once did. Which is why Uraraka’s first meeting with Himiko goes with Himiko getting such a cold read on her. 

It’s helpful to view Himiko as the flipped version of Uraraka. Uraraka hides everything that’s pleasant about her on the inside, and on the outside appears like a perfectly selfless girl. Himiko is someone who hides her good qualities and instead wears the mask of a bloodthirsty psycho on the outside. While Uraraka lives by denying her selfish desires, Himiko always chases after them and is true to them. 

Traits that are repressed in Uraraka, are expressed in Himiko. Especially traits that society sees as bad in girls, like selfishness, being emotional, etc..

The way Himiko acts is especially jarring because she seems convinced she’s a normal person. She’s in her own little world, making friends, getting along with other people, it’s just her friendship just happens to involve stabbing. 

Himiko appears to be a girl psychotically obsessed with blood and nothing else. A girl who only cares about killing other people and chopping them up to bits. When she expresses the feelings deep inside of herself, literally no one can make heads or tails of what she’s saying, she doesn’t sound like a girl just a bloodthirsty monster. 

While Uraraka seems like she has nothing in common with what is essentially a weird serial killer, we learn that the exact behavior that Uraraka’s creation is what led to Himiko’s current state of mind. 

The difference between them is not that Uraraka is a person of higher moral character, or a better person, but rather of circumstances between the two of them. It’s not the choices they made but rather things they were born into and couldn’t control. Uraraka has parents that accept her even when she fails and encourage her. 

Toga had parents that  abused their daughter, and then abandoned her. 

Uraraka chose to repress herself, while Toga was forced to become repressed by her parents. While we don’t know for sure if it was physical abuse it’s at least emotional abuse, and it had to be to an extreme extent to make Himiko snap that hard. The same unhealthy behavior but push to extremes gets extreme results. 

3. Normal Girl - Himiko Toga

Himiko did not become the way she is because she was lacking empathy or born with uncontrollable urges for bloodlust, but because of the environment around her that always forced her to repress herself. From the knowledge that her parents would never love her for who she really was. Himiko wasn’t born that way she was a response of what was done to her. 

People who don’t really know Himiko always judge her this way, that she’s incapable of understanding other people, that she has no empathy for others. She’s almost literally labelled and dismissed as a one dimmensional yandere trope by the people surrounding her. 

However, Himiko is in fact always doing the opposite. She’s constantly trying to empathize with others. Her maddened way of talking to both Tsuyu and Uraraka in her character introduction is exactly that, her trying to feel that kind of connection. 

Himiko’s fascination for Uraraka is a desire for empathy and understanding. One that you could say even surpasses some characters on the hero’s side, because she’s willing to try to understand the world’s of people who are nothing like her. Himiko’s next most significant action in the manga is to take Camie’s place and go after the kids. While she does fight against them she’s not overly violent, just curious. Deku even reaffirms some of Himiko’s primary traits. 

Himiko is always talking a lot and trying to explain her way of thinking to other people, because she wants them to understand her. However, because she’s bad at communicating this tends to come off as babble and a lot of people completely dismiss what she says and don’t attempt to listen. 

She expresses two things one a desire to know Deku on a deeper level, immediately asking him very personal, and sometimes very downright invasive question and two she also notices the closeness that Deku and Uraraka have for one another. 

Once again this is a repeating theme for the league. Himiko repeats the same desire that Twice has, to become a person who is trusted in the same way. 

Once again it’s important to remember that Himiko is just the flipped version of a normal girl. If most people hide their bloodlust and show their good sides, Himiko hides her desire to be trusted and to empathize with other people underneath her bloodthirsty urges she shows on the surface. She positions herself as a femme fatalle, but she’s actually just a girl who’s trying to understand why other people are different then her, and why Deku and Uraraka can have a relationship mutually founded on trust when she can’t. 

Himiko’s past was so repressed she never formed real relationships with people. Not only that she assumes that nobody will want the real her, because the moment she flipped and the real her was exposed everybody in her life abandoned her and she had to run away. 

After her brush with Deku and Uraraka we see Himiko start to be trusted by her comrades and a marked transformation takes place in her. 

We see shades of the old Himiko. A selfish girl who only exists to fulfill her whims. However, we’re shown Himiko is capable of empathizing because not only do Shigaraki’s words get through to her. 

Himiko is also for the first time able to reach the emotions of another person. Remember when Himiko tries to explain how she’s feeling, she babbles, and babbles and nobody listens. However that changes and for the first time, not only does Himiko pick up exactly on what’s troubling Twice, she also comforts him the way he needs to be comforted. She tells him that yes it might be his fault that Magne died, but she sees that he’s doing his best to make up for it and she gently encourages him. 

Remember how important this is for Twice. The world has never forgiven Jin for his mistakes. He hit the wrong guy on accident, while obeying the law, and lost both his job and his home. He started stealing to make ends meet, and as a result he lost his mind. When he makes a mistake it always blows up in his face but this time, Himiko notices that she’s panicking and comforts him telling him it’s okay he’s made this mistake and he can still work hard to fix it. 

Not only that but she notices what the problem was with Jin, she was able to notice the symptoms of his psychotic breakdown and rather than dismiss it as just Twice being crazy was able to help him in real tangible ways by wrapping her hanky around him and covering him up like he asked. Uraraka has a very surface level kindness, she’s kind but only by walking around on eggshells with everyone. Himiko is able to see through people, but uses that to comfort people on a deeper level. 

The “Himiko just can’t control herself because of her quirk” narrative is something that Himiko rejects herself. Because that’s not what Himiko wants. Himiko doesn’t want to be special or different from other people. 

Himiko sees herself as normal, and what she desires to be understand and be understood by other people. She doesn’t like Curious’ narrative for her because it made her out to be a freak or someone special when Himiko is trying her best to get others to understand her as a normal girl. Himiko can’t repress herself anymore, she can’t become normal the way her parents taught her too so not permanently broken, and forced to always express herself she’s trying some other way. 

What she wants isn’t to hurt other people, not really though. Those thoughts just turn violence, because Himiko is herself a person who’s endured a lot of violence. Himiko is basically a child that’s been on her own living on the streets and surviving for years, with all the dangers that entails, and also people who can shoot lasers and punch things really hard chasing after her. 

The more she’s isolated and on the run, the more violence she endures, the more violent and unhinged her thoughts become. The more she’s exposed to people who accept her for who she is, the more she’s trusted by those people, the more empathic and sensitive Himiko becomes instead. Himiko’s desire isn’t violence, when she’s pushed to her utter limit she says what she wants is to become a girl like Uraraka who is just loved and trusted by others for who she is. 

And I genuinely believe at the core of Himiko’s character this empathic girl exists. Himiko becoming violent and unrepressed doesn’t mean her empathy disappears. The complexity from Himiko is that she’s both the knife wielding psycho and the normal girl who just wants to have friends at the same time. If behind every normal person there’s a monster lurking is true then the opposite is true as well, behind every monster there’s a normal person. 

This is an idea expressed by Twice again. One of the villains that Hawks dismissed as a bad person, was capable of showing him compassion and gentleness even when he screwed up. Toga was capable of empathy for Twice besides the use he had for others. Toga herself is shown to be capable of more empathy than Hawks, who is one of the most selfless characters in the series, and who is convinced his actions are always done in order to save others.

However we see their treatment of Twice is so drastically different. Hawks treats Twice in a selfish way refusing to listen to what Twice wants, and only ever used Twice as a tool to exploit. Twice himself thinks that now that he’s no longer useful, Himiko won’t be kind to him anymore however we see the opposite. 

Twice admits to Toga that he’s the reason that everyone is in danger right now and he completely failed, and he’s not going to come save them. He admits that he’s useless and Twice himself said Toga wouldn’t be kind to him anymore. However in that moment, Himiko ignores the fact that her life is literally in danger and everything is going to hell around her to comfort Twice one final time and tell him the words he needs to hear.

It’s literally the single most empathic moment of the manga, and it’s in direct contrast to Hawks’ behavior. A hero as devoted to saving other people as Hawks, who genuinely likes Twice as a friend doesn’t show him any empathy at all and even stabs him as the back. A psycho like Toga puts her own feelings aside and notices Twice’s feelings, and gives him comfort and thanks him in his final moment because to her Twice has value as a person beyond what his use is. That Himiko is capable of this kindness, but equally capable of her monstrous actions earlier in the series  is what makes her human. Her kindness doesn’t make her any less mosntrous, and her monstrous qualities don’t make her kindness go away she’s both at once, rather than either or. That’s where the complexity comes in. 

Toga is a very human character precisely because we see her at her most monstrous, and we see that girl slowly relearn how to express the kindness that’s always been inside of her in healthier non-stabby way. A normal girl who learned how to be a monster to protect herself. A monster who is slowly relearning to be a normal girl.

[obxfiles1]

I was just casually scrolling through tumblr at 4 o’clock in the morning when I came across your post. Usually I’m a quiet lurker because idfk how to talk to people, but I felt compelled to respond to your post about you feeling “behind” in life. I know you’ve gotten several replies already, but you’re just going to have to deal with me throwing some more love and support at you, okay?

I, too, left a long-term relationship (my marriage to be more specific). I moved back home to my parents’ house because I could no longer afford to live on my own, without the financial partnership of my ex (and we were just barely scraping by together as it were. NY state isn’t a cheap place to live in). Here’s the kicker: I also have two young sons. It hit me hardest knowing that I couldn’t provide for the tiny humans I brought into this world — after all, it was my choice to leave a toxic relationship and split apart my family, not theirs. Yet, here I was, feeling like I was dragging them down with me. They didn’t ask for this life. I felt like a complete failure as a mother. Some days I still do. I felt like I was taking a thousand steps backwards in life. After all, when my parents were my age, they were buying a house and I couldn’t even afford to rent a two-bedroom apartment. So, I did what you did — I went back to school. Between raising kids and my own schooling, I was barely able to work to pay living expenses and bills, let alone save money. More debt. Finally, I graduated just in time for the pandemic to hit and found myself out of work for even longer. More debt. (This year has kicked most of our asses, I think, so you should allow yourself some leeway and compassion now more than ever).

I’m convinced at this point in my life that feeling “behind” seems to be a very millennial trait. Our generation has inherited a world waaaay different than that of our parents and grandparents. To be honest, most days it feels impossible to get ahead. Things seem futile, working against us. Statistically speaking, we have less income and way more debt than previous generations. It’s not uncommon to be living at home at our age these days, and although I totally understand where your frustration is coming from, please do not let it weigh you down. I promise, you are not alone and there is no shame in needing some help to get through the tough times.

Despite your obstacles and setbacks, look how FAR you’ve come. You left an abusive relationship. You went back to school and earned a degree. Neither of those had to have been smooth-sailing tasks for you. It’s easy to feel “stuck” or to compare yourself to others around you, especially in an age where we can see who’s getting engaged or married or pregnant or a mortgage with the press of a social media app. STOB IT. You’ve overcome some massive hurdles that your twenties have thrown in your way. Be proud of that. It took me breaking myself into a million pieces in order to rebuild myself into who I truly wanted to be. I’m certainly not there yet, but I am getting closer. YOU are too. Hold that notion to your chest and be PROUD of that. It’s not a race, so pace yourself and breathe. Your struggles have given you more strength and wisdom than you are currently giving yourself credit for. ✨

I apologize for my long-winded, early-morning ramblings. Also, be safe (today of all days, when tensions are crazy high in this country. yikes!) and stay healthy. 💜💜

oh my goodness, thank you so much for reaching out and sharing your story with me. i’m so sorry you had to go through that but i am so, so proud of you for getting yourself and your little ones out of that situation. there’s always this odd feeling that comes with having survived an abusive situation. i don’t know how bad it was for you, but i can only imagine and sympathize. for me, i never thought i’d survive it. i never imagined myself living this long, if i am being very honest. so there’s this odd feeling of not having any kind of direction now having reached this point. and then when i finally try to set out a direction, and carve my path, the pandemic hit and it felt like everything just  got ruined. and it sounds selfish when i know others have and are going through worse, but truly everything seemed to just fall completely to pieces. it’s a scary situation for so, so many reasons. everything just feels so uncertain. it’s especially hard when i go to my social media and see everyone that all somehow kept the jobs they had pre-pandemic, going forward with their lives whereas i feel like mine has completely frozen into place. but we have to have faith that this will come to an end and good things will come again. thank you so, so much for saying this <3 it’s hard for me to really acknowledge the things i’ve gone through and survived through. i’m told that’s part of the ptsd, second-guessing your own strength and constantly thinking “someone had it worse, so who am i to complain or acknowledge my struggles” but that’s the trauma talking. i need to make my voice louder than the voice of the trauma, the anxiety, the icky thoughts. i need to let myself acknowledge my survival and strrength. thank you so, so much for saying this <3

i have faith everything will work out. this time of frightfulness and uncertainity will come to an end and things will get better. the sun will shine again for us all, i am so, so certain of that. please know how thankful i am for you, reaching out and sharing your story with me in this way. please, please know i am always, always here for you if you ever need to talk. we aren’t alone, even if we may feel that we are. i am so, so proud of you and i am always here for you if you ever need a friend to talk to. thank you again, so, so much <3

[sscng]

 ADELINE RUDOLPH ─ SERENA SONG identifies as CISFEMALE and uses SHE/HER pronouns. they’re an ACTRESS, and they’re only TWENTY-THREE they’re said to be +RESOURCEFUL, but also -SELFISH. i guess that’s why they’re known as THE SENSUALIST in the tabloids. 

yooooo i’m faye, your local dumb bitch, and i have arrived w my Hot Mess daughter, serena. i apologize in advance bc this intro got FAR too long, i got uhhhh VERY carried away- plz love us anyway!! (tw: brief mention of miscarriage, drug use mention) 

background: - grew up in manhattan   - her family has got $$$$ - her family is SUPER catholic and so she grew up in a very religious, very conservative household - she has an older sister and three younger brothers- her sister is, like, Perfect and her parents were always nagging serena to be just like her; her little brothers annoy her constantly, but she would die for them all - not a fan of her parents- her dad is distant with all the kids and her mom is the one who was always cracking down on the kids to be the best possible and would always call them out for ‘sinning’- which, as expected, created a Totally Healthy environment for serena to grow up in - she was always the wild child- sneaking out, partying, breaking curfew; she was grounded more than she wasn’t grounded growing up - her sophomore year of high school, though, she had a pregnancy scare (she lost the baby and is lowkey fucked up over it, but refuses to acknowledge genuine emotions SO good luck ever getting her to open up about that part of her life) and her parents FREAKED out and sent her off to a prep school in connecticut where she spent the rest of her high school days- breaking every rule and pulling off pretty good grades - skipped out on college- much to her parents’ dismay- to pursue acting - got a job on a netflix show about three years ago and has been riding that fame ever since - the show is a degrassi-esque drama about college-aged kids called university heights (yes, i AM very original, yes that IS an apartment complex at my school)- the show is Hot Garbage, but it’s ok bc serena ????? is ALSO Hot Garbage

personality: - to clarify to start off: really and truly The Worst- which seems to have become the only type of character i can play??? does this say something about me??? perhaps!! - is selfish, impatient, crazy, wild, temperamental as FUCK - but she’s a lot of fun (maybe, idk) - down to party whenev (uses A Lot of recreational drugs and drinks a lot)  - dtf always - is bisexual as hell (not a personality trait??? but being gay is like the one good facet of my persona SO) - cares about herself A LOT - will fight you for now reason and then will never mention it again unless you bring it up- honestly just joins in on drama For Fun - surprisingly, has her life together (despite the drugs etc) and knows what she wants from her future - is the kind of person who you’re like ???? she’s SMART??? And she’s like ‘uh fuck yeah i am, lemme break down this stupidly long calculus problem real quick before i break down your ego’ - not very reliable unless she’s close to you - cares what VERY few people think of her, literally values the opinion of maybe five people total - she’s horrible - let her ruin your life !!

~fun~ facts: - DEFINITELY runs in heels as a weird flex - secretly kept a pet snake as a kid- her mom eventually found out and made her get rid of it - was an alter girl for a hot sec before ‘accidentally’ setting the priest’s robes on fire and getting kicked from the roster - was a mathlete in hs and if anyone said shit about it she would say some rude shit back to them and then sleep with their significant other probably (idk just painting a picture) - is left-handed - can play the violin - favorite color is periwinkle, but she refuses to wear anything in that color - is also a business mogul, secretly sells feet pics on the internet- she doesn’t need the money, she just thinks it’s fun - wants to be loved (a fun fact Only bc it is a fuckin SECRET, ok??? ok!)

possible connections: - exes- uhhhh LOVE a good exes plot (or several), the messier the better, serena is Bad at relationships and monogamy and i love the drama of this shit SO (would love like a ex she cheated on, an ex she still fucks- whatever your heart desires tbh) - best friend(s)- a person she truly trusts and who she isn’t afraid to be a little vulnerable around and preferably someone who is not afraid to call her out when she’s being shitty (which is often) - will they won’t they- PLEASE give me this sort of angsty, painful friendship/relationship; serena will be stupid and dramatic as hell - the one that got away- could be an ex, maybe someone in her life she just hooked up with once or twice, maybe someone she’s just super fuckin close to and has always had a secret thing for- but it’s like the Only person she’s ever been ~in love~ with - tooth-rotting crushy bullshit- um someone come make this asshole fall in love with them- it will not be fun for either of them, but it will be fun for us - best guy friend- idk i just love a strictly platonic guy/girl dynamic - enemies (for dumb reasons, most likely)- serena doesn’t really hold grudges, but she loves to have beef with people for literally no reason bc it keeps things ~exciting~ and she’s chaotic - good influence- someone ??? help her ??? - fwb/hookups (past or present or future, idk, fuck me up) - enemies with benefits- c’mon… i cannot resist this fun - party friends- someone to join her in her crazy antics - cousins- i literally… love family plots - unlikely duos

but uhhh literally, suggest anything to me and i’m prob gonna be down!!! if u read all of this..... u deserve a cash prize (but i am broke so v sry, that will arrive on february 30 of next yr); hit the like button if u wanna plot or hmu !!! xoxo 

[en241]

Wednesday, 15 April

Week 11: The Secret Garden, Chapters 19 - end of book. 

Your Questions & Comments without interjections from me this time:

I have a lot of thoughts on this novel so I apologize in advance for how much I am going to ramble. As far as the analysis of the text, I thought it was interesting how Colin wasn't always referred to by his name and instead by titles such as "the orator" or "the Rajah". What is the significance of this? Watching Colin go from a miserable boy that let fear control him to happy and full of life was so satisfying. The first half of the novel seemed to be Mary's transformation while the latter half focused on Colin's. I still wonder on the symbolism of the robin. Does this represent Colin's mother? I believe it does. In chapter 22, Colin claims the garden as his. It has been passed on from Mary who originally discovered it to Colin, who is the rightful owner as it belonged to his mother. When he plants the rose, this officially marks the garden as his. It is a physical marker of the symbolic passing on of the garden. In chapter 23, Colin asks if he is rude. The lack of self-awareness shows that at this point, he still hasn't fully transformed. He still is childish. He probably isn't aware that he is rude because he has been catered to his whole life and that behavior is normalized in that type of environment. I also thought it was interesting that like their parents, both Mary and Colin become beautiful by the end. Them being beautiful on the inside makes them beautiful on the outside. 

As far as my personal thoughts, I have to say. I was very pleasantly surprised. I went into this book not liking it and came out by the end having all sorts of feelings I wasn't expecting. I am shocked to be honest. Just reading all the happiness that occurs at the end started to make me feel happy and nice. The past couple months have really been a struggle for me so the parts on not letting bad things get to you and finding the magic really spoke to me. At some points, the author would write something and it would seem like it was for me (though obviously I know it wasn't). It's been awhile since a book I've read has made me feel like how The Secret Garden did. I was legit yelling out loud near the end because it was just so cute and wholesome. This book feels different to all the other books we have read. Like I liked Alice, but it didn't make me feel like this book did :) It feels really important and I feel almost changed in a way? I don't know if it's just me and that's why I'm having such a strong reaction but I want to know how you felt after reading it for the first time.

It was a surprising ending, but exciting. I loved when Colin plants a single rose in the garden, that he could call his own. When they all sat around the tree, it reminded me of being in the quad after it snows and doing homework with friends. The one thing I wonder most is who’s relationship was rekindled at the end of the book?

I noticed while reading chapters eighteen through twenty-seven of The Secret Garden that Colin is going on the same journey of maturation that Mary went on throughout the book in a very similar way. This parallel between characters became extremely evident to me during chapter eighteen via several quotes. The first quote is said by Martha and reads “Mother says as th' two worst things as can happen to a child is never to have his own way—or always to have it.”. This quote stood out to me because I noticed that both Mary and Colin grew up fairly spoiled and always got their way. They both were low on the mature-o-meter due to their lack of balance between attention and discipline from the people who raised them. The second quote, "I wish I was friends with things, but I'm not. I never had anything to be friends with, and I can't bear people." was said by Colin and reminded me of Mary and her disdain for for the people around her in the earliest chapters of the book. She immediately thought that people were disagreeable and did not believe that they deserved respect because she did not realize her own character flaws. This is the same with Colin where he had no tolerance for people who don’t line up with his own selfish motivations and intentions. The final quote, also said by Colin reads “I hated you when you said he was like an angel and I laughed at you but—but perhaps he is.". This quote further enhances the parallels between Colin and Mary   due to the fact that Colin seeing that people can potentially have positive traits and be thought about positively shows that he is taking steps upwards on the mature-o-meter, and this acknowledgment was also one of the first steps that Mary took towards maturation in the beginning of the book. This parallel between character journeys highlights maturation as a theme overall within The Secret Garden as well as demonstrates how much Mary has developed, matured, and changed throughout her character arc next to the lesser developed Colin. Thank you.

The book seems to stop to include different perspectives. It includes the robin's perspective and the father's perspective. It also takes some turns to just describe the events and not actually show them. This makes the book grab the reader's attention in the end. 

Dickon transformed long before he was introduced to Mary. When Mary met him she was inspired to transform to the state of mind he was in. Positive thinking and self awareness transformed Mary and relating to Colin encouraged him to transform as well. Soon after The gardener ben transformed, and the whole manor eventually blossomed like the garden did as well. The authors emphasis on contagious magic and positive thinking is written with a religious air about it. He highlights children’s needs of nature, imagination, action and connection to either a parental figure (Colin) or friends (like Mary pursued). Colin has to work for his transformation unlike his dad in which his transformation just occurs and wakes him up. I think this means that the author believes children are capable to pursue the changes they need more efficiently where as adults cannot find it inside themselves so something in the external world must move them to transform them again or else they stay the same. I think the author wants people to recognize what happens in nature and imitate it hence the Robin’s perspective and the garden’s ultimate profound effect on everyone.

Why choose of all places in the story, now to include the adults? Is the reason that the children talk about magic because the adults writing this want to believe in magic as well?

"Magic" is developing into a very important character during these chapters. Mary, Dickon, Colin and even Ben seem to be gaining strength, health and confidence through their interactions with "Magic". "Magic" is color-white, blue, purple, crimson. "Magic" is sound-buzzing and chirping. "Magic" is talking animals and sprouting plants. It is mysterious and a secret that these characters share. "Magic" is a healer. Colin, especially seems to think that "Magic" is going to work for him and carry him into a more adult state. If he keeps calling on "Magic" he feels things will happen, like he is "going to live like a man"and show the adults that he is not weak but "straight and strong". With his scientific experiment "Magic" will be in his mind forever.  

illustration by Julia Sarda (again) 

[salarta]

Comic Book Fandom Problem: Character Competition and Role/Panel Hoarding

At this point, I’m both a little experienced but still relatively new when it comes to comic book issues. I only really got into any comics consistently after I discovered Polaris from X-Men. I’ve been reading stuff with her since 2009, but it’s sporadic for her to get use.

In that time, I’ve noticed a lot of specific overall problems with “hardcore” comic book culture. This post is about the specific problem of “panel hoarding” and treating character use and presence like some kind of competition.

At its base, it goes to fanboy one-upsmanship. It’s the “my favorite superhero can beat your favorite superhero” thinking. A good example is how Frank Miller basically made Dark Knight Returns all about how great Batman supposedly is, to a point where Superman was written poorly so Batman could mop the floor with him.

Let’s really look at this. Why do these characters have to fight at all? If they fight, why does one have to be written poorly for the sake of the other? Why can’t a fight between them give both characters admirable qualities, with the loser losing the fight for perfectly good reasons?

When you get to the bottom of this stuff, this sort of behavior isn’t merely about fandom or wanting good exciting stories. This is ultimately about dominance and power. The people who insist their favorite character has to be on top and win everything are saying it cause they want their favorite character to be in a dominant position, and their fandom, and themselves, along with the character. It’s not really about the character. It’s not about good stories. It’s all about ego.

One personal example. In Secret Wars House of M, Polaris and Quicksilver fought. Lorna was depicted in that as a character that scared Pietro with her power, with Pietro only winning because of a surprise attack on Lorna not from Pietro. I didn’t like that either. Pietro was depicted very poorly to make Lorna look better.

This brand “dominance fight” was not needed. It’s a staple of comic books that some people blinded by egotistical desires think is a good thing. It’s not. Poor writing is poor writing, and everyone loses. With writing that treats both characters well, we could have seen some really interesting nuance to their genuine points of view. We could have seen some creativity for use of powers. Instead, Quicksilver was a bad caricature of himself, and that just pisses off fans of the character.

Another example. X-Men Blue recently had Polaris and Havok fight. I saw quite a few people liked that, and were excited to see Polaris beat Havok in that scenario. I wasn’t. I’m a Polaris fan. I consider her my absolute favorite character right now in anything. I wasn’t happy about Lorna interacting with Havok in any sense, including this sort of thing.

I have very detailed reasons, tied to Polaris’ character history, for why I don’t want her interacting with Havok. I won’t go into them here. It’s a very specific and special issue tied only to Havok. My point here is, this “dominance fight” wasn’t needed either. We could’ve had panels that focused on something entirely different. Lorna could have had an argument with Emma about mutants, for example.

Now, for a problem that’s not the same as above but closely connected: panel/role hoarding.

Comic books have a loooooot of characters available. Most characters are heavily underused in favor of ones that have been heavily promoted across decades. Here’s the problem: characters that can fit a niche are often ignored in favor of inserting those traits into “popular” characters where they don’t belong.

Sometimes, fans of a character think only their character can fit a role. Or, out of desperation to either get their favorite into a prime position or keep them there, fans will refuse to acknowledge other characters having any kind of meaningful stake in a storyline or event. They may even badmouth and try to diminish the character’s value to make that happen.

This is another dominance play. This is all ego and selfishness talking, and it’s a problem specific to comic books.

The “logic” of this attitude is that if you let other characters occupy the same or similar role, or have panel time too, that hurts your favorite character. That “undermines” your favorite character’s “standing” in the role and supposedly keeps them from getting much use.

This “logic” is a huge mistake. Even when taking on the same role, two characters are not going to think and behave the exact same way. They will have disagreements. They will have nuance. In some cases, the base role could split into more than one direction. If you have only one person in the role, you either lose all except one direction, or the one character allowed to have the role becomes a disgusting mess of poor characterization that ends up looking terrible to most people.

But when you acknowledge other characters’ worth and let them be involved? Your favorite character actually benefits. Maybe you lose some panel time for the character. Sure. The lost panel time is more than made up for by much better writing. The two (or more) characters can interact, develop associations, common ground. In the future, the already established connection can lead to amazing new stories that never would have been possible without the connection.

For this example, I have Scarlet Witch.

Brevoort at Marvel said a lot of negative things about Polaris several years ago. They seemed to be mainly fueled by the idea that Magneto can have only one daughter, and at the time, he wanted that sole daughter to be Scarlet Witch.

This was a mistake. There is a lot of interest in the idea of Polaris and Scarlet Witch spending time together as sisters. They’ve both dealt with mental issues. Lorna suffered from M-Day, and Wanda has yet to have a redemption arc/story that most X-Men fans accept. They would have common ground of being Magneto’s daughters, but that connection makes them closer and gives them opportunities to have interesting stories together. Brevoort had the belief that only one daughter can exist, because his focus was exclusively on the role of “Magneto’s daughter,” as if it’s a coveted title only one can have. It blinded him to what they can accomplish together because they both have the same role.

Later, after Marvel forced a retcon that made Scarlet Witch (and Quicksilver) no longer Magneto’s daughter, they tried to do a solo comic book for her. The book failed. Its main reason for failing was because Marvel had severed most of her meaningful relationships - including with Magneto and Polaris. Some thought that completely separating her from those relationships would be good for her prestige, but it wasn’t. Losing those relationships denied her the chance to interact with characters that could show her best qualities.

Same applies to any role situation. If you’re a real fan of a character, you want what’s best for the character. What’s best for the character is good writing, not oodles of appearances that all make the character look horrible just for the sake of exposure. If some panel time has to be sacrificed to get good writing, then so be it.

Comic book fandom is rife with these toxic attitudes. There are ways of doing things so ingrained that some fans mistakenly think they have to go along with the flow, or that what they know is a “tradition” that must be upheld. Some have also become so accustomed to those attitudes that it’s become a deeply ingrained part of who they are. They don’t want to break those habits and may refuse to see anything wrong with them.

But seeing the problem is the first step to better comics fandom, and eventually better comics as a whole.

[yangingaround]

I agree on your points, but I mis-spoke what I meant about Ruby and her eyes. It's true that Salem didn't know about her, but Ozpin did. Ozpin surely knew that once Salem found out, Ruby would be a target. She showed great skill, so was moved up. Ozpin, in doing so ensured she could accelerate her growth, and be ready when the time came. At Beacon, he could watch her progress. As for Jaune, I both agree and disagree. Running out of space to type. One sec, I'll continue in another ask.

mutilusalae said:

Continued. Jaune did indeed lie and cheat his way in. But Ozpin isn't stupid. He basically protected Vale until Ironwood fucked it up with his well meaning actions. He had to have known about Jaune. Jaune is an idiot, but has a big heart and cares deeply for his friends. Once he realized the severity of his situation, he stopped pretending. He put everything on the line for his friends. He has his problems, but he's a teenager. Teens mess up. He has time. I want to see what he will grow to be.

mutilusalae said:

OOC: Jaune is all those things you said. But he’s also just a boy. A teenager in over his head. This does not excuse his actions, but it does make them relatable. I’m 26, and as a teen I made lots of foolish decisions. But I grew. I matured. Pyrrha believed in his potential, his Kindness, and his Determination. He’s made mistakes, but I do not think it’s fair to not give him time to grow. Thank you for having this civil discussion with me. I enjoyed sharing my thoughts and opinions with you.

mutilusalae said:

OOC: For not bashing my feelings and opinions, and for having a friendly debate with me; you just earned yourself a Follower. :) I respect your thoughts, and I also respect you for being civil and understanding enough to respect my feelings too. The fandom has enough problems without people arguing like kids over differences in opinions. Stay Classy!

i’m sorry, i’m gonna have to disagree with a lot of the points you’re making here

so on your first point about Ruby - no, there is no guarantee Salem would have ever found out about her, because the reason she knows about Ruby was by accident. if Ruby hadn’t been on the tower that night, Salem still wouldn’t know. Ruby would, in fact, be safer, if she’d just continued going to Signal and getting in the same way Yang did. sure, Beacon would still have fallen and the situation in Vale would arguably be worse with the dragon and everything, but Ruby wouldn’t have been there, her silver eyes wouldn’t have gone off, and she wouldn’t be on Salem’s radar. and even in a scenario where the Fall of Beacon never happens, Salem wouldn’t find out about Ruby until her eyes go off and disrupt her plans, which could be years off. Ruby continuing at Signal for another two years and then having four years at Beacon would have actually kept her safer for longer because she wouldn’t have shown up on Salem’s radar at all until she got involved - it’s not a matter of protecting Ruby, it’s Ozpin playing chess with peoples lives (as we know he does, through implications in the show and songs - he uses people). Ruby has silver eyes which are a weapon he can use against Salem, that’s the only reason

the problem with your claim that Ozpin was protecting Vale is the fact that he wasn’t. he wasn’t doing anything, that was Ironwood’s main bugbear with him and while Ironwood’s actions are equally stupid and caused more problems (because his solution to everything was ‘guns, violence and war, god bless america atlas’), his call for action, that they do something, wasn’t wrong. Ozpin’s main methods are just ‘wait and see what happens’ and that meant any action was responsive and often too late to stop things from getting bad

but even if we acknowledge that Ozpin was playing trickster mentor, that’s a fact the audience knows, not the characters involved. Jaune did something illegal (he committed fraud), to soothe his own ego (not for selfless reasons, this isn’t someone doing something wrong for good reasons, he just wants recognition as ‘a hero’). and not only that, but it’s not a situation that can be written off as ‘kids mess up, that makes him relatable’ because it’s a serious criminal offense and he’s trying to get into an incredibly dangerous line of work, if he can’t cut it, he should not be there, because he’s then a liability and risk to himself and others - this isn’t just cheating a scholarship to get into a prestigious school; they’re working to go into a line of work where they will be in legitimate danger and anyone not sufficiently trained is going to die very quickly. trickster mentor or not, someone has to be responsible here, and no one was (and that’s mainly a big fault in the writing)

and by all accounts, Ozpin probably was trying to pull Die or Fly with Jaune. Jaune was either going to get himself killed or succeed, but the problem is, to grow, Jaune has to actually acknowledge that what he did was wrong. and he doesn’t. his problem isn’t “i’m a liability, i’m putting people at risk and i did something illegal”, it’s “i don’t want to be the damsel in distress, i want to be the hero”, it’s ultimately selfish (not to mention, given how the teams of four system works, there’s probably limited spots at Beacon, meaning he cheated someone out of their place there when they’d actually worked for it). he doesn’t face consequences - because him sucking at fighting isn’t a punishment, neither is the extra work he has to do because he doesn’t pay attention in class, that’s just reality hitting. Cardin blackmailing him is just an extension of the bullying already present, and in the end, the bullying goes away and Jaune doesn’t have to face actual consequences. in fact, the narrative rewards him, as he gets one-on-one training with the strongest student in the year, sacrificing her own free time in the process, and no one else finds out about it

what you’re saying is totally valid in the sense that that’s how it could have been handled. Jaune could have acknowledged that he did something illegal in order to feed his own ego, that he was putting lives at risk, he didn’t earn his place which is an insult to everyone who did, and then going to a teacher and letting the proper authorities handle his situation. actually being punished for it, like with detention for the rest of the year that he can use to study up all the things he should know about, and then assigned a tutor (like an older student) that can help him get up to speed as quickly as possible, as overseen by a teacher, to reduce the risk. and through that, Jaune owns up to his fault, faces consequences for it, and actually earns his place at the academy because he has to start pulling his weight because he’s been given a second chance

but that’s not what happened, he gets off scot-free and never acknowledges that he was putting anyone in danger, because it’s all about him, and so despite all the focus on him he just hasn’t grown (sure he can hit things harder but all he had done is learn to lean on someone else to solve his problem for him, and that he can continue to get away with lying). and Pyrrha believing in him isn’t really a justification either, as she’s just as young as he is (and on top of that, she bails him out against the Ursa when he would otherwise have gotten killed and lets it feed his ego instead of laying it out to him that he would have died if she hadn’t intervened, and then still choosing to help him instead of making him own up to what he did to an authority figure who is in a position to actually make those kinds of calls about whether or not he deserves a chance to prove himself). ‘Kindness’ and ‘Determination’ are also more informed abilities than anything truly demonstrated in the text, because Jaune’s motivations were selfish, he barely pays attention to Pyrrha (and the positive traits she does mention... don’t exactly line up with what we’re actually shown), and he’s ultimately lazy - Pyrrha has to force him to study like she’s his babysitter. he’s also negative about a lot of things, rude and, hell, in a situation where Ruby was about to get killed, unlike Ren or Nora who at least tried to do something, he just closed his eyes. he gave up and didn’t try to help her (and this never comes up again - like if he’s trying to better himself so something like what happened to Pyrrha doesn’t happen again, you’d think he’d be doing something like Ruby was during volume 4, throwing himself in recklessly. but he didn’t, he looked away and didn’t try to help)

and then there’s the whole mess with Weiss where he outright refused to take ‘no’ for an answer and kept harassing her without ever taking her feelings into account (until Neptune turned her down, and only then it’s a matter of ‘another man in his perceived territory’ than it is about Weiss’s feelings, and the whole discussion has both of them treating her like a trophy) - Jaune is never portrayed as being in the wrong for these actions, and ultimately never faces real consequences for his continued harassment, the plot thread just stops

there are foolish decisions and then there’s doing illegal things solely for personal glory with no mind to how badly it could go and getting away with it. and that’s what happened. ultimately the fact is he didn’t earn his place or deserve to be at Beacon, and because he never owned up to his mistake in a meaningful way, he was never prepared to face punishment for doing something wrong (or even acknowledging that what he did was wrong and why, just that it’s so unfair that he can’t fight) and therefore he’s not granted a chance to prove himself and earn his place - because for some reason the narrative doesn’t treat what he did as being wrong - and he can’t grow from it

what you laid out in your asks could have been the case but now can’t be because Jaune doesn’t get consequences for his actions. it’s just a lot of wasted potential from a writing perspective and he’s received a lot of undue focus (when he shouldn’t be prime focus anyway) for what’s essentially amounted to nothing because he hasn’t grown

[marissaneedsabetterblog]

2+3 = 5: 5 things i’ve learned on the road to 23

I haven’t posted on this blog and bombarded the world with my oddly worded thoughts in a year. 

This past weekend I turned 23. It’s an unceremonious age, really. None of the excitement of 21, and it also lacks the feeling of transition that turning 22 gives you. Yet, for me 23 has become a milestone of sorts.

The road to 23, specifically, the past 2 years of my life, has been full of changes, transitions, and lessons.  Between ages 21 and 23, I:

Broke up with someone I dated for almost half a decade

Had a very public breakdown in my last semester on campus at college

Traveled to 3 different countries while studying abroad for my last semester

Graduated from college

Felt the existential dread of unemployment

Got a job

Began experiencing the effects of the existential dread of adulthood in general

Lost my first job

Got a new job

Moved out of my childhood home to live on my own with my best friend

There’s a lot more that happened than these spark notes style bullet points. A lot of these things feel so distant to me, as if they were lived out by another girl or were a dream. But this all happened in the space of 24 months.

If you have gotten to know me in any real way, you know this about me: I am sensitive and emotional, I am very pensive, I have a strong set of morals, and I make every move with conviction.

In the past two years, in so many ways I have become a different person, I have felt the entire spectrum of human emotion. I have been pushed to contemplate so many things that I thought I was sure of, and to feel so many things I thought that I had let go. 

However, in many more ways I have proven and had proven to me that I am who I am who I am. 

From all of this I learned so much, but since  I turned 23, and 2+3 = 5, I am going to write about 5 of the top things I have learned  on the road to 23.

1. Embrace all of your feelings and understand temporality

I think the largest struggle I have witnessed around me in my short foray into adulthood is the struggle to be happy. 

People want to experience being happy all the time. People shy away from anger, sadness, and pain because of the discomfort it causes.  I think this desire for the ever-present feeling of happiness is what stops so many people from making hard decisions or working through issues they need to work through. 

Ever see someone have their heartbroken big time and proceed to go out and get trashed/fall into the arms of several people within the span of a couple of weeks in the name of “having fun" and ~*living the single life*~? 

Instead of embracing all the emotions we can feel as people, I think a lot of people cling to happiness and do whatever it takes to feel temporary euphoria instead of coping with the underlying emotions they’re experiencing. Seeking escape sometimes is okay and necessary, but I think we have to acknowledge that  at the end of every fun night, the feelings we haven’t dealt with will still be there like an overdue bill waiting to be paid. 

Being angry, sad, hurt, anxious, etc is okay. It’s important. We are multifaceted, we are meant to feel many things. You shouldn’t avoid these feelings because - they’re temporary!  They won’t last forever. Discomfort is not a permanent state of being, but it’s an important state of being.  Discomfort creates growth. (There’s nuances to this with mental illness though....) 

Understanding the temporality of emotion is what has allowed me to move through most of the disappointment and anxiety I have experienced as a recent college graduate, as well as the painful emotions that I experience just from interacting with others in an open vulnerable way.

Like *queen* Hayley Williams of Paramore sang in Last Hope:

And the salt in my wounds isn't burning anymore than it used to It's not that I don't feel the pain it's just I'm not afraid of hurting anymore

2.  Context is not equal to justification

Empathy and sensitivity is kind of my thing. I am the MVP of just feeling the shit out of my feelings. I feel my feelings, your feelings, her feelings, his feelings, their feelings…

I stay in my feelings.

I am also the MVP of overthinking, analysis, and rumination. (Shout out to my anxious empaths) So, the combination of these two traits creates the perfect storm of….trying to understand other people.

It sounds great on paper. In fact, a lot of times it is great – but if you’re not an expert at prioritizing yourself and protecting your energy yet, this can lead to a lot of pain.

How? Why?

It took me 23 years to understand that understanding where someone is coming from, having that context, is not justification. It’s not an apology. It just means you…you kind of get why a person did what they did. I have spent the better part of 2 decades conflating context with justification, and getting unjustifiably shit on because of this habit.

Just because you understand why someone did something, does NOT mean you have to accept what they did.

Let me repeat that: Just because you understand why someone did something, does NOT mean you have to accept what they did.

People have all sorts of reasons for doing what they do. Hurt people tend to hurt people. Moreover, I have observed an interesting phenomenon in my age group.  People use being young and finding themselves as an excuse for being reckless with other peoples’ feelings. Twentysomethings tend to be selfish in the cool self-care setting boundaries prioritizing oneself way, but also in the not so cool draining emotional vampire way too *people who are the latter tend to claim they’re the former too...stay woke fam.

Don’t accept things just because you understand them. Things don’t hurt less because you understand them. Don’t overextend yourself for people who wouldn’t extend themselves for you.

3. Live reflectively

I am writing a blog post, so you know I believe in this one! That was a bad joke. I’m sorry.

But, in all seriousness – if you are just living life without actively and intentionally thinking about what you are doing and what is happening in your life – that ….is not good.

I have seen myself and others close to me repeat the same patterns. Sometimes even with very concrete intentions of making change. Without deep reflection, it is easy to end up doing the same things. If you see yourself repeating a behavior that was harmful in the past, think about it, and think about how to change.

You should think about what you do, what you have done, what your friends are doing, and all of the effects these things have on you. How does your job make you feel? How do your friends make you feel? What do you think you should be doing differently? Think about these things often. Write about these things. Talk to honest people about these things. See a therapist. Find some sort of outlet.

For many, growth is a process that needs to be guided from within, and I sincerely believe reflection can provide a lot of that guidance. Refection teaches you what makes you wilt and what makes you flourish.

4. Become an active listener

I personally am convinced that many people do not know how to actively listen. Actively listening isn’t about hearing; it’s about making sure someone is heard. You can’t listen if you’re trying to form your next point. You can’t listen if you’re stuck in your own head. And if you can’t listen, you can’t understand.

Active listening isn’t just about making others feel good, it’s about understanding others and being able to effectively use your intuition. Many times, people clearly articulate what kind of energy they will bring into our lives with what they say and especially with what they don’t say.

All I’m saying is use the old gramophone to actually listen bro. It can change how you make other people feel and how you feel about other people.

5. Tell someone you care about them, every single day.

I’m going to be as blunt as possible: if you’re taking people for granted, you are living your life wrong. You can AND will lose people that mean something to you if you don’t show them that you value them.

More importantly, people need to know that they’re loved. We are living in such trying times, and people need the compassion of their loved ones.

Posturing to seem chill or detached…is dumb. And you will regret it. Clearly articulate to people what they mean to you. Be honest and open with you intentions and feelings.  Be receptive to how other people articulate how they feel. Through this process you will understand who your support system is.

I’ll be honest. I don’t know how to end this post. I feel like I have only share 5% of what I’ve learned, but it’s already 3 pages in Microsoft word, which means not even my mom will finish reading this.  If you made it to this point – thanks for sticking it out. 

On top of these 5 lectures, I also made a playlist of 23 songs that I care about a lot in this moment as a 23 y/o. Hope you enjoy it~

-marissa

[therealforeignspell]

Inside Cover:  “When four classmates from a small Massachusetts college move to New York to make their way, they’re broke, adrift, and buoyed only by their friendship and ambition. There is kind, handsome Willem, an aspiring actor; JB, a quick-witted, sometimes cruel Brooklyn-born painter seeking entry to the art world; Malcolm, a frustrated architect at a prominent firm; and withdrawn, brilliant, enigmatic Jude, who serves as their center of gravity.

Over the decades, their relationships deepen and darken, tinged by addiction, success, and pride. Yet their greatest challenge, each comes to realize, is Jude himself, by midlife a terrifyingly talented litigator yet an increasingly broken man, his mind and body scarred by an unspeakable childhood, and haunted by what he fears is a degree of trauma that he’ll not only be unable to overcome—but that will define his life forever.”

First Paragraph:  “The eleventh apartment had only one closet, but it did have a sliding glass door that opened onto a small balcony, from which he could see a man sitting across the way, outdoors in only a T-shirt and shorts even though it was October, smoking. Willem held up a hand to greet him, but the man didn’t wave back.”

Meeting Details: Friday November 10

Rating:   4 Bookworms

Final Thoughts:  

Reading A Little Life was liked being pulled in every direction at once. The lives of these character’s had such verisimilitude. I felt like I knew each one on a deep personal level. Because of this, it was also a very difficult read. As I read Jude’s reasoning for his desire to harm himself, it brought up flashbacks of my own past and what I have come out of. His character put so poetically into words what it is like to feel that sickness of depression inside of you. Like it is an alien body trapped in your blood and flowing through your veins. It was so vivid that at times I had to put down the book, close my eyes, and breath again. I paced my living room while trying to calm my nerves and my husband would say “Good book, huh?”  The amount of human suffering that Jude experiences is nearly unfathomable. Yet it’s the friendships that he forms that make it tolerable and not torturous to read. And these relationships are as inspiring and full of beauty as the book can be dark. A Little Life will make you ugly cry, it might induce an panic attack, but I promise you it is worth it. Beautifully written and a great example of the human ability to feel and love at great depths.

Talking Points:

Page 19- Why does JB choose to lie to his friends about his family life? Does he appreciate his family, or take them for granted? Is he ungrateful?

Page 25- Why can’t Willem acknowledge Jude’s pain and help him? Why have they never spoken about it?

Page 75- “But this was part of the deal when you were friends with Jude: he knew it, Andy knew it, they all knew it. You let things slide that your instincts told, you not too, you scooted around the edge of your suspicions. You understood that proof of your friendship lay in the keeping of your distance, in accepting what was told you, in turning and walking away when the door was shut in your face instead of trying to force it open.” in response to Jude suicide attempt. Do you know anyone who forces boundaries like this in your relationship with them? What could cause someone to be like this?

Willem skirts the issue of Jude cutting himself. He has multiple opportunities to confront his best friend who is clearly suffering but never draws the courage to do so. Is it a masculine trait to ignore these clues, to not talk about things so important because it is hard or scary or uncomfortable? Have you done this in past relationships?

Why does Willem play mostly “dark and complicated” characters as an actor? They are described as often quietly violent, usually morally compromised- that inspired different degrees of sympathy. Does this have a connection to his upbringing or friendships?

Page 275- Jude explains what aspects of his new job as a litigator he enjoys. Even thought it was the opposite of what he was doing before at the U.S. Attorney’s Office (where he worked for the people and the community making a difference which would have led to being a judge or justice) and now works for “the enemy”. What, in his past, makes him enjoy this work? What about his character makes him good at it? “Had the job made him venal, or had he always been so…?” See page 301 + 398

Was it surprising for you to hear JB’s true opinion of his friends? (Page 300-306) He speaks of how boring he thinks they are and how surprised by their success he is. His extreme selfishness and superiority over others and lack of empathy makes him a sort of Devil’s Advocate character.

Page 636- Jude tells JB that he has always been lucky. Why does he say this?After all he has been through, does he mean it? In What way?

How would this book been different if the main characters were not rich and famous? Why did the author choose this storyline?

Why did Hanya choose to make the main characters men?

Discuss young Jude’s reaction to Father Luke’s arrest. Were you surprised by it? Do you think it changed over time?

How did Willem’s experience with Hemming shape him?

Do you think Caleb beat his other boyfriend?

  Vocabulary:

insensate | inˈsensāt, inˈsensət |adjective

1 lacking physical sensation

2 lacking sympathy or compassion; unfeeling

3 completely lacking sense or reason

blithely | ˈblīT͟Hlē | adverb

1 in a way that shows a casual and cheerful indifference considered to be callous or improper

2 in a happy or carefree manner

flibbertigibbet | ˈflibərdēˌjibət | noun

a frivolous, flighty, or excessively talkative person

indolence | ˈindələns | noun

avoidance of activity or exertion; laziness

parcity |ˈpärsətē | noun

frugality, scantiness

vociferously| vəˈsif(ə)rəslē | adverb

in a loud and forceful manner

scrivener | ˈskriv(ə)nər | noun

a clerk, scribe, or notary.

dross | drôs,dräs | noun

1 something regarded as worthless; rubbish

2 foreign matter, dregs, or mineral waste, in particular scum formed on the surface of molten metal

verisimilitude | ˌvərəsəˈmiləˌt(y)o͞od | noun

the appearance of being true or real

interlocutor |ˌin(t)ərˈläkyədər | noun

a person who takes part in a dialogue or conversation.

dirigible | ˈdirəjəb(ə)l,dəˈrijəb(ə)l 

1 adjective capable of being steered, guided, or directed 2 noun a dirigible airship, especially one with a rigid structure.

parry | ˈperē |verb

ward off (a weapon or attack), especially with a countermove.

Philistine |ˈfiləˌstēn,-ˌstīn | noun

a member of a non-Semitic people of ancient southern Palestine, who came into conflict with the Israelites during the 12th and 11th centuries BC

stave | stāv |

1 noun a vertical wooden post or plank in a building or other structure

2 another term for staff1 (sense 4 of the noun)

3 verb break something by forcing it inward or piercing it roughly

4 avert or delay something bad or dangerous

carapace |ˈkerəˌpās | noun

the hard upper shell of a turtle, crustacean, or arachnid

querulous | ˈkwer(y)ələs | adjective

complaining in a petulant or whining manner.

benediction |ˌbenəˈdikSH(ə)n | noun

the utterance or bestowing of a blessing, especially at the end of a religious service.

fulcrum |ˈfo͝olkrəm,ˈfəlkrəm | noun

1 the point on which a lever rests or is supported and on which it pivots

2 a thing that plays a central or essential role in an activity, event, or situation

simulacrum | ˌsimyəˈlākrəm,ˌsimyəˈlakrəm | noun

1 an image or representation of someone or something

2 an unsatisfactory imitation or substitute

civet | ˈsivət | noun

1 a slender nocturnal carnivorous mammal with a barred and spotted coat and well-developed anal scent glands, native to Africa and Asia

astringent | əˈstrinjənt

1 adjective causing the contraction of body tissues, typically of the skin

2 sharp or severe in manner or style

3 noun a substance that causes the contraction of body tissues, typically used to protect the skin and to reduce bleeding from minor abrasions

koan | ˈkōän| noun

1 a paradoxical anecdote or riddle, used in Zen Buddhism to demonstrate the inadequacy of logical reasoning and to provoke enlightenment

venal | ˈvēnl | adjective

showing or motivated by susceptibility to bribery

stultify |ˈstəltəˌfī | verb

1 cause to lose enthusiasm and initiative, especially as a result of a tedious or restrictive routine

2 cause (someone) to appear foolish or absurd

jounce | jouns | verb

jolt or bounce.

ni·hil·is·tic |ˌnīəˈlistik,ˌnēəˈlistik/ | adjective

rejecting all religious and moral principles in the belief that life is meaningless.

“an embittered, nihilistic teenager”

ob·tuse | adjective

stupid or unintelligent; not able to think clearly or to understand what is obvious or simple

tac·i·turn | ˈtasəˌtərn/ | adjective

Quiet, not speaking frequntly; saying little.

ep·och·al | ˈepəkəl/ | adjective

uniquely or highly significant.

aphorism

a short phrase that expresses a true or wise idea

ignoble

of low birth or common origin

lassitude

a condition of weariness or debility: fatigue

furtive

done in a quiet and secret way to avoid being noticed

contrition

the state of feeling sorry for bad behavior

vitriol

harsh and angry words

apoplectic

very angry and excited

uxoriousness

excessively fond of or submissive to a wife

succint

using few words to state or express an opinion

Quotes:

“Wasn’t friendship its own miracle, the finding of another person who made the entire lonely world seem somehow less lonely?”

“He experienced the singular pleasure of watching people he loved fall in love with other people he loved.”

“What he knew, he knew from books, and books lied, they made things prettier.”

“He now viewed a successful relationship as one in which both people had recognized the best of what the other person had to offer and had chosen to value it as well.”

“It had always seemed to him a very plush kind of problem, a privilege, really, to consider whether life was meaningful or not.”

“Friendship was witnessing another’s slow drip of miseries, and long bouts of boredom, and occasional triumphs. It was feeling honored by the privilege of getting to be present for another person’s most dismal moments, and knowing that you could be dismal around him in return.”

“…when your child dies, you feel everything you’d expect to feel, feelings so well-documented by so many others that I won’t even bother to list them here, except to say that everything that’s written about mourning is all the same, and it’s all the same for a reason – because there is no read deviation from the text. Sometimes you feel more of one thing and less of another, and sometimes you feel them out of order, and sometimes you feel them for a longer time or a shorter time. But the sensations are always the same.

But here’s what no one says – when it’s your child, a part of you, a very tiny but nonetheless unignorable part of you, also feels relief. Because finally, the moment you have been expecting, been dreading, been preparing yourself for since the day you became a parent, has come.

Ah, you tell yourself, it’s arrived. Here it is.

And after that, you have nothing to fear again.”

Homework:

Who is Malcolm Muggeridge? (Malcolm’s namesake)

Explore the work of Lee Lozano (performance artist)

How to make a Ten-Nut cake

Listen to interview with Hanya Yanagihara

Practice mindfulness

Express gratitude to friends & family

PAGE 4 | A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara Inside Cover:  "When four classmates from a small Massachusetts college move to New York to make their way, they're broke, adrift, and buoyed only by their friendship and ambition.

[datingadviceonreddit]

Internet, I need your help...Back in February of this year, my wife and I of 7 years split up. We remained in the same house until May, when she could find a place of her own (financial reasons). During that time we discussed why we were splitting, and we both agreed that we got married too quick, without ever really learning about each other fully first. We actually eloped, some of the motivation being to look better on paper for an upcoming custody battle with my ex before her. I had 3 children from my first marriage, I was young, and so was she. The first was an "accident" that I won't go into, let's just say their mom was really sneaky. Regardless of all that, and the reasons for marriage, we were married, and happy. I got majority custody of my kids, and things were great.When her and I first got married, I was in undergrad for a very difficult degree (in order to maintain some privacy, I won't go into details), 5 years after that, I finished grad school coursework (undergrad graduation a year before) and got a job. From the moment I got a job, things began to go downhill slowly. The word "divorce" was first thrown out by her a couple years back. We began learning that our personality types were very different. I'm an INTJ, she's an ESFJ, even our 5 love languages tests are essentially the reverse of each other. Essentially, we clashed over a few things, and for a long time, we outlined what those things were, but neither of us seemed to change significantly enough to fill up the other's needs. The arguments got worse, and the tension higher, until we began seriously discussing divorce early this year (before actually splitting in February). Oddly enough, we communicated more clearly than ever in outlining why we didn't belong together, and we were very mutual and agreeable. We both agreed we made a mistake in getting married and that we should split up. We even processed the divorce ourselves, without legal aid. All of our divorce paperwork for finalization was filed in early April, and in May she moved out to her own place. Everything seemed fine, she seemed okay for the most part. Telling the kids was really rough because she'd basically helped raise them, but she wanted to remain part of their lives (which we both agreed was a great idea). Now for the other part of the story...In early April, late March, I began feeling really self-conscious about my failed relationships (two marriages of several years). I created a fake online dating profile, on a site that had an extensive interview process to build a profile. My thought was that my personality traits made me a hard person to get along with maybe. In any case, the goal was only to look. I'd decided not to date for at least 6 months after she moved out. Nothing ever goes as planned of course. I stumbled upon a female who aligned with me in every way imaginable, and she was beautiful to boot. I reached out, and immediately explained my situation after our introductions. My intent was mostly just to learn about this person, and maybe when I was ready, if she was still available, I could ask her if she'd like to meet. After about a month of talking (now May), we decided to meet. From there, we met several more times, and by the end of May, we were officially dating. This was after a LOT of self reflection and checks to make sure she didn't fall into the "rebound" category. I was sure my mind was in a good place, since my previous relationship had seemed to be on the decline for over a year. The new lady is awesome. She matches my personality type perfectly, her hobbies/interests align with mine almost perfectly, everything about it makes sense. I really like this girl a lot, and I'm still seeing her today. Now is where it gets hard, and really confusing to me...A few weeks back, maybe the beginning of July, I was seeing how things were going with my recent ex, and it turns out she wasn't handling things all that well. Her life changed a lot more than mine, to be fair. She had to move, she moved away from her family of 7 years, and kids she'd helped raise. I didn't even change my bedroom. In talking with her, she asked me if I was seeing someone else. I strive to be an honest person, and even knowing it wouldn't end well, I told her about my new relationship, reluctantly. She didn't take it well at all. I know how this is, because I had a similar reaction in the past with an ex that I was positive I was over (it had been a year). She was extremely bothered by it, and I began learning that supposedly, she'd went along with the split because she thought it was what I wanted. It fits her personality type, being the self-sacrificing person she is. And she'd mentioned not actually wanting to split to my mother a couple of weeks before that. She was upset that we didn't do everything we could to fix things, and fight harder for our nearly 8 years total together. She was heartbroken.After this happened, something changed in me. I thought I was ready for what I was doing, but now I felt nothing but extreme guilt and regret for feeling like I destroyed my marriage. I feel like I hurt my wife, a woman I love and care about, regardless of differences, and just tossed her to the wind for something new (even though that is not what happened). Just to verify that I wasn't being crazy, I reread all of the messages between my recent ex wife and I during that time. She definitely said things like "we decided this, I am moving out, and it will all be okay". Even knowing this, I still feel completely awful, and now I'm having second thoughts about whether or not I should give that another chance. She's expressed interest in it, but I'm not sure (nor is she) that she could put recent events away forever. Even though she agreed that I did nothing wrong. More recently, she said something about pushing me away and into the arms of someone else, and she hated her self for screwing up so badly.I've not been sleeping well, and I don't know what to do. The last thing I want to do is lead on my new girlfriend, she does not deserve that by any means. She's an amazing person, and truly deserves to be happy (I could see that being with me, and according to her, it's the happiest she's been). That being said, I also don't want to just throw away the crazy amount of potential I have with her, just because my brain has got itself into a funky state for what might be nothing (or something that will pass). The other side is that I feel like an awful person for not immediately running to my ex wife and working on what we had. I feel selfish, guilt ridden, and just plain awful. Clearly, I was not ready to start something else, but I did, and now I'm here. I suck at life. To be clear, it wasn't all bad with my ex, but we did have a lot we'd have to work on and fix. She's admitted to her shortcomings and what she would need to do. Even apologized for all of it. I have acknowledged mine as well, and apologized for them.I know that only I can decide the right path from here, as it's my life, and I need to decide what will make me the happiest, as well as avoid stomping all over innocent bystanders. But I would definitely like opinions from complete strangers on the internet :) I have friends, family, etc. that are all familiar with this, and I have their input, but I would like some unbiased input (even though it's still slightly biased as told from my point of view).Also, if you've made it this far, thank you. This is a lot to read and take in, and it's my screw up, so I appreciate people even hearing me out. via /r/dating_advice