#what if im lying to myself and misinterpreting my feelings

[mei-yoi]

actually crashing out again

why is she this way with me if she’s straight

HELP HELP HELP

she kinda gave me hope bcs she said she questioned herself on being bi before soooooo

Currently going on a ‘not initiating any touch myself’ and ‘keeping myslef from looking at her too much’ run.

Im WAY too obvious and i dont want to lose our friendship

Trying to get rid of my feelings for now

[ccupcakeyss]

Hi I dunno if you write Zayne, but my academic life is stretching my patience thin, and making me question why I put myself in this situation in the first place haha. The only juicy part of my day to day is seeing the top of our class with her very low key senior boyfriend. The dude reminds me of Zayne!!! Both are valedictorian, competitive introverts (like debate team, sports, etc.), both surprisingly good with people, and BOTH HOT AND INTIMIDATING AF. The World is unfair. 🥲

Can you perhaps write Zayne with an equally competent SO (can be MC or no), but insecure compared to his achievements?

Academic power couple x toxic competition x assurance is 👌 🔥

YES OFCOURSE this seems so fun okay LETSGET WRITING

(✿ ᴗ ᴗ） COMPETITIVE HEARTS♩  ᛝ

SUMMARY: in a high school AU, you’re in a relationship with Zayne, a perfect, talented guy. struggling with insecurity as graduation approaches, you feel overshadowed by his success. Zayne reassures you that you’re enough just as you are, deepening your connection and proving that love and mutual support matter more than perfection.

CW: female reader, insecurity, competition, emotional vulnerability, intimate relationships, intimate moments, some heavy kissing, suggestive situations, and adult situations, fluff.

WC: 1.3K!

NOTES: okay so this doesnt have much detailed smut in it, it's more fluff and angst for like academic rivals. btw, to the person who requested this - im so sorry if i misinterpreted this LMFAO i might've done something different to what you asked but this is what i thought you mean ! hope you enjoy!

You’ve always prided yourself on being driven. Even as a kid, you were the one who stayed up late, pouring over textbooks, making sure you understood every equation, every word in every essay. Excellence wasn’t just a goal — it was a lifestyle. You had big dreams, and nothing was going to stop you from achieving them.

But now, in the final year of high school, you’re starting to wonder if it’s all worth it.

Because he is here.

Zayne. The guy everyone else in your grade looks up to. The valedictorian. The one everyone whispers about when they see him in the hallway, standing near the windows, dark eyes scanning the world around him as if he were too much for anyone to keep up with. He doesn’t try to act intimidating; it’s just who he is. Top of the class, debate team champion, and a guy who somehow excels at everything — even sports — despite being the definition of “cool detachment.”

You would be lying if you said you didn’t have a thing for him. Hell, everyone had a thing for him. But there was one small problem: you were his girlfriend.

You were the one who’d caught his eye.

The days after graduation were a blur of parties, congratulations, and farewells. You could barely focus on any of it. All you could think about was Zayne. The way he looked at you. The way his hand felt wrapped around yours. He was going off to university soon, just like you were, but somehow, it felt like the time was slipping away too fast.

You hadn’t expected to feel so… insecure. Not now, not after everything you’d overcome together. But there it was, gnawing at the edges of your confidence.

Zayne was perfect. Always perfect.

You, on the other hand, were still trying to figure out how you were supposed to navigate this relationship — and your life — without falling short. Without feeling like you were constantly playing catch-up.

A week later, you were sitting on Zayne’s bed, your legs crossed, and a notebook open in front of you. You hadn’t touched it in hours, the pages were still blank, and you couldn’t focus on a single thing. Zayne had just come back from a long day of volunteering at a charity event for his future college. He looked so effortlessly put together, with his soft gray hoodie, his hair tousled just enough to look intentional.

“You’re staring at that notebook like it’s going to bite you,” he said, dropping his bag on the floor before sitting beside you.

You laughed softly, but it wasn’t genuine. “Just thinking,” you muttered, glancing at the pages again. You tried to focus but your thoughts kept drifting back to how much easier things seemed for him.

Zayne tilted his head, his eyes soft but piercing. “What’s really going on?"

You shook your head, trying to brush it off. “Nothing. Just… stress. I can’t concentrate.”

“You can’t focus on that because you’re trying to outrun me,” he said, his voice a little teasing but with a serious undertone. “That’s what this is, right? You think you need to beat me at something to be enough.”

You stared at him, your heart pounding a little faster. His eyes were steady, like he could read you like a book. “No. I don’t need to beat you. I just… feel like I’m never going to live up to your level. And it scares me.”

Zayne leaned closer, his thumb brushing over your knuckles in a soothing gesture. “Listen to me.” His voice dropped an octave, and you found yourself leaning in despite the nagging voice in your head. “I love you. All of you. And none of that—” he waved his hand vaguely toward your notebook “—none of that matters to me. Not as much as you do. You’re not my competition, and I don’t want you to ever think that. I want you beside me, not because you can keep up, but because you’re you. And that’s everything I need.”

You swallowed thickly, the warmth in his words flooding your chest. It was hard to admit it to him, but… you needed to hear this. You needed the reminder that you weren’t just the person constantly running behind him.

Your voice cracked slightly as you whispered, “But it’s hard. I’m not like you.”

Zayne’s lips curled into a soft, knowing smile. “I know you’re not. But that’s what I love about you.” His hand gently cupped your cheek, tilting your head up so your eyes met his. “You’re not like me. And I don’t want you to be. I don’t want you to be anyone else. You’re exactly what I need.”

The room seemed to grow quieter, the hum of the outside world fading as you stared into his eyes. The vulnerability in your chest began to loosen. You hadn’t realized how much you needed this, needed him, until now.

Before you could stop yourself, you leaned in, pressing your lips to his. It started slow, tentative, but Zayne responded with a deep, needy kiss that made your heart race. His lips tasted like mint and something entirely him. You slid your arms around his neck, pulling him closer as he deepened the kiss.

Zayne’s hands drifted down to your waist, tugging you toward him until your chest was pressed against his. The heat between you two, the closeness, was enough to make your head spin.

“You’re all I need,” Zayne murmured between kisses. “You’re perfect to me.”

And that’s when you realized — maybe you didn’t need to be perfect in every way. Maybe the only thing that mattered was the way Zayne loved you, flaws and all.

Later that evening, after dinner and the usual quiet conversation, Zayne pulled you back into his bedroom, the door clicking softly behind you. The air between you was different now, more intimate. He’d taken a step back, both of you having processed the emotional weight that had been hanging between you for weeks.

But now, his touch was gentle, but insistent. He gently laid you on the bed, his body hovering over yours. There was nothing rushed about it, just a slow, patient exploration of one another. His lips trailed from your mouth down to your neck, leaving soft kisses that sent shivers down your spine.

“I’ve wanted you like this for a while,” he whispered, his lips brushing your ear as his hands slipped under your shirt, the cool air on your bare skin sending another shiver through you.

You felt a knot form in your stomach, a mixture of desire and uncertainty. The tension that had been between you two earlier now manifested as a thick, intoxicating pull. You wanted this. You wanted him. But you still felt the weight of insecurity.

But Zayne’s soft kisses along your jawline seemed to quiet that voice in your head. “You don’t need to be anyone else,” he said, his breath hot against your skin as he slowly undid your shirt. “Not for me. Just be yourself.”

His words unraveled the last of your doubt, and you let yourself relax into his touch. His hands were soft but sure as they traced the curves of your body. His fingers slid along the waistband of your pants, and you gasped as he dipped lower, his touch teasing but gentle.

“You’re so beautiful,” Zayne murmured, his eyes dark with desire. He took his time, tracing every inch of your skin as if memorizing you. The tenderness of his touch made your heart race, the lingering insecurity melting away as you let yourself give in.

It was slow at first. His hands explored, and his kisses deepened as he undressed you. You could feel the tension in his body — he was holding himself back, waiting for you to tell him when it was too much.

But you didn’t want to stop. You needed this closeness. You needed to feel him, to know that it wasn’t just about accomplishments or accolades. It was about connection.

When he finally slid inside you, you gasped, your nails digging into his back. Zayne cursed softly, pressing his forehead to yours. “I’m not hurting you, am I?”

You shook your head, your breath coming in shallow bursts. “No… it’s perfect.”

He moved slowly, patiently, letting you adjust, his eyes constantly scanning your face to make sure you were okay. It was everything you needed — his presence, his care, his love. It wasn’t about being perfect. It was about this. About him giving you the space to be exactly who you were.

“You’re more than enough,” he said again, his voice rough with desire. “More than I ever could have imagined.”

As the night went on, the love between you two grew, built on mutual understanding, trust, and the vulnerability you’d shared. You didn’t need to be better than him. You just needed to be with him.

Morning came, and as you woke, you found yourself wrapped in Zayne’s arms. His lips were softly pressed against your hair, and for a moment, everything felt perfect. No expectations. No competition. Just you two, together.

You looked up at him, his sleepy gaze meeting yours. “I love you,” you whispered.

He smiled, kissing your forehead softly. “And I love you. Don’t forget that. You’re perfect to me, just the way you are.”

And with that, the last of your insecurities melted away. You were enough. You had always been enough.

[ask-a-radqueer]

https://www.tumblr.com/ask-a-radqueer/783557837877018624/im-assuming-that-by-being-transrace-you?source=share

I see! (also thanks for the clarification, apologies if I misinterpreted your words that wasn't my intention.) Would you say the same about gender? And why?

Follow-up question from this post: link

I have a take on this that I don't see a lot and that is that we're still clearly not in a place where transgender people aren't influenced by sexist ideas and stereotypes when it comes to transitioning. I see it a lot, but definitely not to the extent that I'd see it with trace people as we haven't made nearly enough progress in deconstructing racism in this context.

I think the difference is that marginalised ethnicities have had a lot more incidents in recent history of people without that lived experience portraying them in a racist way / as a charicature or misusing their culture. We're at a point where lots of people can attribute gender to a feeling, especially in the queer community as we have a history of breaking down gender stereotypes, but I don't feel like we are there yet for race - no community has a history of breaking these stereotypes down enough with trace people in mind.

I use 'we' quite generally in this answer because it'll be different across cultures. For example, in the country I was raised I think trans women especially would have a lot more deconstructing of sexist ideas to do when thinking about transitioning efforts.

Whilst we can't control what makes us euphoric, a lot of it ties in with us connecting certain identities to certain experiences. This means that, even for transgender people, there are harmful ways to transition. For example:

Transmascs taking on misogynistic ideas, making misogynistic comments, so on

Transfems encouraging the use of sexist language towards them

Lying about having lived experience being socialised as a gender you weren't in a space where that gives you more of a voice / more trust / etc (does not include doing so for safety reasons, but in that case you should exit the space before you say anything about an experience you don't have)

Transmascs closing themselves off emotionally

Otherwise taking on a sexist and/or toxically masculine trait purely for transitioning reasons (eg. interests, lifestyle, domestic role). This wouldn't apply if you're naturally emotionally closed off, for example

Upholding stereotypes as a way to make yourself feel euphoric may be acceptable in private or when you need to for your own safety, but unless you naturally fit the stereotype you're actively contributing to sexism, toxic masculinity, and transphobia. This goes for all transids, just substitute it for ableism/racism/etc and transidphobia.

Also, to quote myself again, "the less we associate certain identities with a particular look, personality and so on, the better we get at breaking down stereotypes and viewing people as complex individuals with a unique mix of traits that affect their experience of the world. I also think it helps normalise differences in people who are cisid too."

----

a more simplified summary of this response:

There are sexist ways to transition genders too because we're still living in a sexist world, but the queer community has done a lot more to break down stereotypes with trans and gender non-conforming people in mind than any community has done for race with trace and race non-conforming people in mind

Marginalised ethnicities have had lots more incidents in recent history of peopleportraying them in a racist way / as a charicature or misusing their culture. This means there's a lot more to consider when we're talking about what transitioning methods are suitable for trace people right now

Upholding stereotypes as a way to make yourself feel euphoric may be acceptable in private or when you need to for your own safety, but unless you naturally fit the stereotype you're actively contributing to discrimination of all kinds. We need to break down the idea that certain identities have a specific look/personality/etc

Are you a radqueer with an answer to this question? Feel free to answer it with a reblog or comment, or submit a post to my blog!

[motherdaughterholyspirit]

Just Felt very Lana reminiscing on love and intimacy after a night out.

And it makes me think why would I care so much as to look silly referring to an artist who has been with me since i was 13 years old just bc I feel people have been infantilizing and misinterpreting her art. I know what she means to me. I think her being a pinnacle in young womens introspection is important and i need to get over my internalized misogyny. Im sensitive and a lover girl And Im basic as fuck i journal and i cry to lana and Read joan didion and its all FINE!!! Let young women be!!!!

Drunk and indulging the fantasy. Being 21 and being stupid stupid all of the time. Its okay its a part of the process. I'd be lying to myself to say otherwise.

I love to humor the drama of it all. I will never be this young again.

[etrosgate]

i've decided it's time to dump my twitter ramblings about the last time sakura and sasuke interact in part 1, a scene that so many of my oomfs hate but is one i really love. because

1: they're my two favorite naruto characters 2: their dynamic happens to also be my favorite 3: they ARE FRIENDS in part 1. THEY ARE. I STAND BY THIS.

warning: this gets so long. i did not expect it to get so long. also im begging you to not consider boruto or most of part 2 in reading this, we're NOT talking about all that right now.

in looking back at this scene, i thought to myself "is it just me or is sasuke's face hidden constantly here" so i made a diagram about it, documenting how much of sasuke+sakura's faces you see throughout it. i found the results pretty interesting. (i might've missed or miscategorized a few but not enough to really make a difference imo)

the way sasuke's eyes are constantly concealed in these panels really reads to me that sasuke playing up the callousness in this scene...being harsher than he actually feels, to create distance. he doesn't really want to seriously fight anyone from konoha.

see, he reacts to naruto with anger and violence because that relationship already has some jealousy and resentment and itachi has thrown gasoline on it, recontextualized their bond in sasuke's mind as something that must be violently severed to achieve sasuke's reason for existing (killing itachi)... his relationship with sakura is different, he cares about her a similar amount but she's not been framed as an adversary in his mind, so instead he freezes her out. faces away from her for most of the conversations, uses brief harsh words to cut off any emotional connection to make this severing as easy as possible.

in contrast, sakura's face+eyes are almost always visible, because she's opening herself up, gushing out anything and everything to attempt connection. at this point she is honestly the only one who realizes just how dire the situation is wrt sasuke going to orochimaru (kakashi knows about it but doesn't seem to realize sasuke's already on his last straw, and naruto doesn't even consider the possibility) and she believes that it will almost certainly result in torment and possession at orochimaru's hands if she can't stop him right then and there. so since she knows she can't beat him physically and he's too driven+self-destructive for logic, she pulls out every single emotional appeal she can think of and prays that something, Anything, will reach him.

it's not a shallow confession of feelings, but a last ditch desperation move to protect him from what she believes to be a fatal decision...

most importantly, this is an attempt sasuke himself appreciates.

i think people really misinterpret sasuke's "you really are annoying" here by just taking it at face value.

it's a callback to one of their first scenes together, wherein sasuke admonishes her for saying something very cruel about naruto being an orphan (this event is actually something sakura is grateful for, as it forced her to grow as a person and begin to actually try and see not only naruto, but sasuke as well, as people. instead of the flat "hot guy" "annoying guy" archetypes she had reduced them to).

but this time, instead of disgust he says it with a smile, transformed into more of an affectionate phrase (you know, like when people fondly call someone idiot). this is particularly notable re:the emotional distancing i mentioned earlier because at the beginning of the conversation sakura references this event and sasuke says he doesn't remember it. so to me, the fact that it is so explicitly shown that he was lying about that in order to downplay their emotional connection, says to me that it's extremely likely he was lying about/downplaying other aspects of the conversation as well.

because their relationship HAS changed significantly from when that first "you really are annoying" happened.

a lot of that is due to sakura's growth as a character, from someone who represses her own personality and has no goals beyond a shallow pursuit of a crush on a shallow imagining of what she thinks sasuke is and stands back while her teammates protect her, to someone who wants to become strong enough to stand beside her friends as equals and protect them and works hard towards that goal, who remembers that her connection and rivalry with ino goes beyond a stupid love triangle, cares about sasuke for who he actually is, cares about naruto for who he is, and no longer cares about molding herself into some stereotypical form of femininity.

and sasuke does care about her in return! he only ever really disliked her when she wasn't taking being a shinobi seriously, treating him like a weird romantic trophy to be obtained or when she's genuinely in the wrong about something, which she will admit to and grow from (yeah he's mean sometimes, but he's literally mean to everyone lol). since sakura grows past those aspects, by the time of the chunnin exams sakura+sasuke+naruto all truly feel like Friends.

from stuff like complimenting her abilities and smiling proudly about it

making token complaints without actually trying to stop her from doing something silly like holding his and naruto's hands to drag them along while she sings

to waking up from his curse seal coma to beat the shit out of whoever hurt her

when sasuke thinks fondly about team 7, it almost always shows an image of naruto AND sakura (sometimes kakashi too, but he is the one most frequently left out). and that's something that holds true throughout the Entire manga.

a key thing to keep in mind for the end of part 1 (specifically, after itachi returns and tortures him again) is that at this point in time, sasuke believes that he is fundamentally incapable of happiness, of having a life outside of revenge.

he exists to kill itachi and die. he was simply deluding himself to ever even think he could have a future.

he loves team 7. all of them. he Wants to stay with them. but as far as he's concerned, it's an impossible dream.

the last thing he says in this scene is a "thank you". we don't know the specifics of why, but regardless... he is grateful that she cares about him. cares enough to try and stop him.

unfortunately, it's just not enough to change his mind.

[hieveryoneleaveplease]

.... truly the pissing on the poor website. let's try some reading comp shall we?

1. who is op talking about? is it me?

2. why is op talking about romanticization of the past? what could op be responding to that would make her argue this point in particular?

3. does op sound like she is talking about people who just "dont like the lyric" and think "its stupid" or "unnecessary"?

4. why do i find it necessary to insert myself into a conversation that i missing context for?

5. is op addressing "most" of the criticism against the line or is op responding to a specific argument a specific tumblr user who is not me made to op?

6. why do i feel the need to tell op that she is misinterpreting "most" of the criticism when i have no idea what posts op has seen going around tumblr or what arguments op has seen people making to justify hating on a woman by straight lying about what the song says?

after you do some soul searching and answer those questions, then u can think about these.

7. is it really stupid of a professional songwriter to include a verse about historical nostalgia on a song where they are dissociating from their present life because of severe mental illness? do i understand that historical nostalgia is a studied scientific phenomenon that is more likely to occur when the person is unhappy with their present?

8. why am i making such a big deal about a lyric that clearly resonates with so many people when i claim to not care about taylor swift? why do i spend my time talking about how much i find her lyricism cringey when i am aware that millions of people disagree with me? what joy do i get out of loudly and publically whining about how "i just dont understand" how this "shitty" "white woman" could be so successful with her "shitty" and "unnecessary" lyrics?

9. what do i think im going to accomplish with this loud bitching and moaning about how shitty taylor swift is at writing music in my biased opinion? why is it important for me to accomplish that?

besides that, it literally doesnt change the fact that changing the word nostalgia doesn't get rid of the lyrics "if id been there, id hate it" like where exactly is the romanticization of the 1830s that yall were complaining on that post. where is she saying she wants to live in the 1830s. it doesnt change the fact that you can still tell that taylor is not advocating to live in the 1830s or even that you should romanticize the past, in fact, she explicitly says not to do so because you'd hate it if you were there due to all the RACISM AND SEXISM like she puts it in the fucking verse ur complaining about immediately one right after the other so it doesn't change the fact that yall are still LYING to justify your HATRED of a WOMAN which is the definition of fucking sexism u losers.

[sailorhyunjinz]

~ Lingerie ~

Warnings: fluff, suggestive, angst, chubby!reader, bf!seungmin, established relationship, mentions of bad body image (pls dont read it triggered), happy ending so no worries ;(( <3

Word count: 994 words

Requested: Yiiis! Thank u anon~ 

Note: ok now look, i hope that i offend/misinterpret how it is being in a different body type since i myself have never faced prejudice based on this so please feel free to correct me or point out if i write something that is incorrect <3 also this is maybe a bit corny but positivity is the key ;) 

As you stepped into the apartment you yelled out “I’m home!!” but got no response. Seungmin must be at vocal practice you though as you closed the door and put the groceries down on the tile flooring in the hallway. After zipping off your boots and hanging your black coat on the coat hanger you grabbed the bags of food and headed to the kitchen. On the grey kitchen counter was a white box. The feeling in your heart grew warmer, he had left you a gift which was adorable since you loved surprises. You opened the box was greeted with white tissue paper, as you unraveled the paper you froze. A set of light purple lingerie being prettily presented infront of you. This was not a surprise you liked. 

Seungmin knew that you were not comfortable in your body since you didn’t look like any of the catalogue models you so desperatly wanted to look like. Your boyfriend Seungmin loves you just the way you are and frequently reminded you of how beautiful you look in his eyes but you still didn’t buy it. This led to a few arguments since Seungmin wanted to see his beautiful girlfriend when he was making love to her but you refused. It was either the lights off during sex or no sex at all. 

You froze infront of the lingerie box, staring at it for a couple minutes. You imagined how unattractive you’d look in it and how Seungmin would be disgusted even if he never had been before. He was too much of a sweetheart to judge somebody based on their appearence. A feeling of anger washed over you as a salty wet tear rolled down your cheek that was cold from the wind outside. You were angry at Seungmin. ‘Why would he do this to you? He clearly knew you hated things like this’  you thoughs before you closed the box and hurried over to the bedroom wardrobe, stuffing the packaging between blankets and old clothes at the top shelf. You swore that you’d never wear it. The tear hanged down your chin before you wiped it off with the back of your hand, returning to unpacking the groceries that were layed out on the kitchen floor. 

The puppy-like boy walked thorugh the apartment door hours later. 

“Y/N! IM HOME~” he sang out loudly, in response you yelled out “hi babe” sitting at the other end of the apartment watching TV. He pulled off his outerwear quickly and skipped over to you, kissing you on the forehead. 

“So...did you see the present I left you?” he smiled and sat down on the sofa, wrapping his arms around you as he looked at you.

You avoided his gaze as you muttered “yes... i liked it”, lying straight up to his face. 

“Are you not gonna show me baby?” his eyes sparkled as if they were filled with a thousand stars. You bit your lip roughly as you held back tears. How could you lie to this angel of a boy? As you spoke your voice shook.

“Minnie....ehm... i don’t i just feel uncomfortable” you stuttered out as the corners of your eyes watered.

Seungmins eyes widened and instantly he felt guilty. It was never his intention to overwhelm you or push you to do something you didn’t feel comfortable with. 

“no baby...baby look at me. It’s fine, everything is ok. I’m here baby” he hugged you tighter, leaving small kisses all over your face. 

“I’m sorry....” he said under his breath, holding your hand and rubbing his thumb over your knuckles. 

Being honest, you felt bad. Not only because you couldn’t do the most simple thing for your boyfriend that gave the world to you but because you though that he wouldn’t see you the same if he saw all your imperfections. A seed of courage sowed inside of you which made you bolt up. Seungmin looked at your tear stained face in confusion. 

“What’s wrong baby?” he asked, still holding your hand. 

You sprinted to the bedroom and stood on your tiptoes, tearing down clothes to reach the top shelf. When you pulled a blanket the box fell onto the floor. You opened the white box amidst a mess of clothes and other trinkets. There they were staring at you yet again. The purple pair of lingerie. You had never stripped from you clothing at a faster pace then you did that moment. The lingerie sat snug against your hips and breasts, decorating your body in angelic lace and pearl details. You stood infront of the mirror that hanged in the bedroom. Drawing in a deep breath, you relaxed your shoulders and wiped away any tears. No one in this damn world is allowed to judge you based on how you look because you were special in your own way. You have something nothing else does and why not flaunt it? Despite stretch marks, stomach rolls and cellulite Seungmin loved you so why can’t you? 

You tiptoed out the bedroom, your head hanging low since you were shy. 

“D-do you like.. it?” you murmured, slowly looking up at your boyfriend.

Never before had you seen Seungmin this shocked. After a second of pure shock he broke out in a huge smile, stretching out his arms signaling that he wanted to cuddle you. You got closer and hugged him tightly. Even if you felt uncomfortable Seungmin never failed to make you feel loved. 

“Look at my pretty pretty princess! Twirl for me” his voice sounded excited. 

You did as you were told, doing a little spin infront of the brown haired boy that smiled widely. 

He wrapped his hand around your wrist and pulled you down on the sofa, the both of you landed against the cushions. His hand crept up your hips before it stopped at your boobs. He massaged them roughly before inching closer to your ear. 

“Now they go off baby girl”. 

[ruby-whistler]

Ayo curious anon here- im gonna rewatch rewatch the vod and take note of every single punch and why it appears to have happened then we can compare notes. Also i am interested in your opinion on relaxx's post :0 also if u want a vid rec i know a cool vid where someone replied to a dream apologist who;;; excused exile but it also brings up some interesting points :0

alright, well good luck! my focus was more on the fact that c!dream didn't start punching first until the very end (he did punch back a few times but that's not what i was tracking), and c!tommy was punching him the entire time beforehand, so if you count more "first punches" for the very ending i don't think that would matter that much, but if you have something beforehand that's a discrepancy on my part feel free to tell me :]

i'm not going to watch it for myself because i'm afraid they'd generalize dream apologists based on that one person and make a lot of assumptions that don't apply to me + use possibly insulting, emotionally charged language as a result, but if there are good points you'd like to debate about feel free to send those!

as for relaxx post ( link to the original ) i have a reply written up with my opinions, so yeah;

/dsmp /rp

i was going to put in a first part saying how this is biasedly worded and insinuating that c!tommy was somehow protecting his family by standing up against c!dream during the negotiation (which really was the other way around, him being reckless and endangering them) but i don’t wanna seem aggressive or condescending so i just deleted that. they have emotions about c!tommy and they see him in a certain light thanks to that and i respect that enough not to bother them.

the majority of this is about c!dream anyway, which is more my playing field.

“it didn’t even work because dream didn’t care about spirit”

basic misinterpretation by someone not knowledgeable about the character besides watching c!tommy’s pov. obviously this is not true in the slightest, c!dream has proven time and time again that spirit’s leather is what he cares about the most right after his friends - he traded one of the discs for it, and he had sentimental attachment to the horse. him saying later that he doesn’t is not him revealing anything, or maybe even lying (there’s different interpretations of that scene - in my opinion it’s more of a decision than anything).

of course i do agree that c!dream is manipulative. the reasons for that can be debated, but he is. i wouldn’t call him a “master manipulator” - that’s reserved for people who not even the audience notices are being manipulative despite the obvious red flags, but c!dream is very much manipulative - he’s just the only one people notice, which isn’t really pro of him /j

“dream tells tommy he cut off all attachments, he abandons and stops talking to his friends”

he did stop talking to them… after they abandoned him. small mistake, big difference in the way we see the character.

“he tells tommy among other things that he “does it all because it’s fun and he’s playing with his food” “no, i just like to cause chaos” “i’m doing this so you can have an origin story. the perfect hero origin” “i can make us immortal together!” we don’t have a way to confirm or deny these as true/false since we don’t know what dream’s thinking, but. sadly they appear to line up with his actions.”

no, it doesn’t. it doesn’t line up at all with the way he talks to… anyone else, or with his character in general. it’s an intimidation tactic to cover up his true intentions and make himself out to be more of a threat because he wants people to be afraid of him - that’s what gives him power, basically. threats and ultimatums are what gives him the most control over others even if he has no real power, so it’s important people fear what he could do or what he would be willing to do, rather than what he actually will.

“sapnap actually visited dream in prison and dream seemed to care more about using sapnap to get to ranboo then sapnap himself. ouch.”

have they. have they not watched the video where c!dream spends the first like 98% writing in a book about how he wants c!sapnap and c!george to come visit him again and trying to convince c!sapnap he can get better and be let out and meet again? where he only asks for c!sapnap to deliver the message like half a minute before the end? where are they getting this info from? because this is outrageously incorrect, i’m sorry but what even lead you to that conclusion?

“i am actually fully on board with the idea that dream lied, and that he does still miss and care about his friends! i consider often (because i like angst lol)! when dream finally gets his pov, we might learn about this. because we don’t know what he’s thinking. he could be missing them every second for all we know! it could all be one master plan to make them like him, or save them, or something. dream is innocent until proven guilty. as far as we can tell, he wasn’t lying. and he did cut off his friends.”

i think from everything that’s happened before and after the scene it is obvious he does in fact care about them. he did emotionally isolate himself, he did “cut himself off” (moreso by not reaching out than actually doing anything for himself), yes, but that doesn’t mean he wanted to or that it didn’t hurt him.

“even if it turns out he actually loves them, he still treated them awfully by abandoning them as he did”

i… don’t remember that happening, i’ll be honest. they left him and they never came back, so it’s much more on them than it is on c!dream that their relationship fell apart, although he technically could’ve tried harder. however, that’s only c!sapnap and c!george - he still proved to care about c!punz during before the finale, and even during the prison he still shows attachment to c!techno.

i could give examples of him caring about his friends, and will if asked (that’d take a while because there is a lot of canon evidence but honestly it’d just make me very happy so i wouldn’t mind), but in general it’s not that difficult to see that he… does care about people, as hard as that is to believe, and yes, he did hurt them indirectly because it hurts to see people who used to be important to you spiral to the point of doing terrible things, but i wouldn’t say he made c!sapnap feel terrible, especially during the prison visit when c!dream is very obviously Going Through It.

also i highly dislike the anon’s attitude. there’s no need to be that aggressive, like what the hell dude. everyone can have their own interpretations and opinions. in my eyes, this is sort of biased and partially incorrect, but maybe let people exist on the internet.

[angelicbrokenburd-a]

Rules for Moblie: Under Read More because long.

Disclaimer

I do not own the rights to Starscream, the Transformers franchise, it's characters or it's lore. The rights belong to the lovely people at Hasbro. However: My portayal, headcanons and the such are my own! I also create my own icons and graphics (banners for pages, post and such) and ask you to DO NOT steal and claim them for your own.

Other Notes (idk what to call this part lol)

This blog is Completely headcanon based being there is no offical Transformers Prime Shattered Glass continuity. I take some inspration from the oringal G1 Shattered Glass comics but everything else is my own! While this blog is mostly Prime/Aligned, I may add/take some elements from a few other continuies such as G1, IDW and Animated.

Following

This is a side blog to @fatesyetunwritten, which plays as an OOC hub for the blogs connected to it. So obviously I cannot follow you with this blog but my main. Even though not necessary, I also recommend following my hub blog as well being that’s where most PSAs/OOC updates in regard to ALL my blogs will be posted. Personal blogs are free to follow, but I do ask you don’t comment/reblog/reply/etc to any IC threads or post. Same implies to post that say ”//DO NOT REBLOG” or -DO NOT REBLOG-” in the thread/tags. If any of these rules are broken I will block you! I won't even give you a second chance, you're out! If you are a personal and do have a sideblog, PLEASE contact me telling me so. I’m more than likely not going to know otherwise unless I followed you first and it’s noted. My IM/askbox is always open. If you need to contact me in anyway and (if we are mutuals) want to plot/scream about our muses/just talk/etc. Don’t feel shy to approach me. I love talking and meeting new friends.

Guidelines

I am selective and will only roleplay with mutuals. Just because you follow me doesn’t guarantee that I will back. I often look at the muse, content and mun beforehand before making up my decision in doing so. Do not force/guilt trip me into following you!! Putting aside it’s rude and selfish to do so, YOU WILL BE BLOCKED WITHOUT A SECOND THOUGHT!! Muse doesn't equal Mun and vice versa. This should be obvious but sometimes people do confuse fantasy and reality. Please don't confuse the two. No Godmodding! This is standard fare I don’t think I have to elaborate more on that. If possible Please trim your post. I won’t get up on anyone's case about it if you don’t, but it’s considerute to do so. Keeps the dash clean. Also transfer ask to a new thread if you wish to contiune it. Same reasons as above: Keeps things clean and orgainzed. Don’t worry about formatting/using icons in your post! Just because I like to time to time doesn’t mean you have to follow suit. Write in whatever style that works for you. All I ask is that you use proper grammar and spelling, or at least enough for me to read your writing. I’m not perfect neither so don’t sweat it if you make a typo there and there.

Shipping and Relationships

Let’s get this out of the way:I’m a shameless shipping whore! I love shipping and building relationships. But I won't just jump onboard to a ship however Like most relationships, there needs to be Chemistry. If the two clash off each other well, we can discuss things further. Each ship (unless said otherwise) has it's own verse and not overlap with other ships... This doesn't just imply to romanatic ships! Friendships, kinships, hateships, YA name it!. As I said, I'm a ship whore. I’m also a fan of AUs! Give me some of those AUs bro!

Mature Content

Both me and my Muse are of age and won’t shy away from mature themes. All NSFW threads/ask/etc will be tagged as such, along with any triggers that need tagging. In worst cases, like a hard R (which is rare), I will put everything under a read more flither. Themes include, but not limited to: Violence, blood or/and gore, alcohol and drug use, depression/PTSD, abuse and (maybe?) sexual themes. I will also likely The only things I will not roleplay are anything to do with rape, sexual assault, pedophila and/or incest. I'm open to roleplaying smut but I will be extreamly selective on who I write with. I have to feel comfortable with the mun plus likely already have to have an establish ship going. I will, by no circumstance, roleplay sumt with minors!! NO ITS, NO BUTS! If I learn you are lying about your age, consider yourselfPermanently blocked with all threads deleted.

Who I’ll Interact With

Well, obviously I will roleplay with other Transformers characters, (Not limited to just Prime). I’ll roleplay with just about almost all fandoms. I am a bit more selective over fandoms I'm not too familiar with but that doesn't always mean my doors aren't closed to them neither. To put it simple: If a muse interests me, I'm more than likely on board. What is always the case however is that I will not, and I do mean WILL NOT roleplay with muses base off Youtube Let’s Players or any real life people WHAT SO EVER!! Sorry, I’m sure a good share of you are fantastic people, but it’s something I am simply against mortality. I’m open to roleplaying with OCs both fandom base and/or fandomless, but again, I’m still selective. I always check out the mun’s page before following and if I don’t see a bio for your OC, I will simply not follow. I can't interact with a character I know nothing about. Really, a good indication that I want to interact with you is if I follow you, either before or after you do.

The Mun

Name: Jessie/Sweets Birthdate:August 2nd, 1989 Hello loves~ So...about myself: I love to write if it wasn’t obvious yet, but some of my other hobbies include but not limited to: Drawing, video games, comics, animation. The general geek crap. I like to believe I'm a down to earth and chill person to hang with so don’t feel shy to start a conversation with me outside of our general roleplay affair. For OOC post, Doctor Nefarious from Ratchet and Clank and/or Wander from Wander Over Yonder as faceclaims but more incline to use the former. Things to keep note of: I am diagnosed on the Autism Spectrum. This can at times affect my abilities to socialize and communicate normality and at times even makes it hard to pick up cues if not direct enough. Miscommunication could happen and if I misinterpreted/stepped over the line/did something uncalled for that I’m unaware of; You shouldn’t fear about addressing the issue to me privately. I don’t do things on purpose. Most people don’t. And more than half the time, these problems can be addressed by talking it out. Communication and understanding is key to be a successful roleplay partner. The last thing I want is to make my friends unconformably and treat them with respect and I expect the same! I also suffer from depression and anxiety and can affect my mood, as well as my will to interact/socialize that day and may even not want to be bothered. This never has anything to do with the other Mun, this is me and Me alone! My mental health comes first after all and I’m sure you all can respect that and vice versa. Roleplaying is a hobby for me, not a job. I go at my own pace. With my mental health addressed; it can play into how active I am. Some days I can write replies/threads like no ones business, others I can be sluggish and not want to do anything. Do not pester me for replies! They’ll come when they come. Thankfully, I don’t have many triggers. Nothing that I can’t blacklist anyways. I always make sure to read the Mun’s rules but if there's anything you need me to tag that I may have glace over, don’t feel shy to speak up about it.

[faunusrights]

OFFAL HUNT REMASTERED LIVEBLOG [SPOILERS EDITION] // CHAPTER 16

WARNING: THE SPOILERS EDITION INCLUDES SPOILERS FROM THE ORIGINAL VERSION OF OFFAL HUNT AND GIVES AWAY PLOT IMPORTANT DETAILS NOT YET COVERED IN THE REMASTER. IF YOU ARE A NEW READER TO OFFAL HUNT, DO NOT READ THIS VERSION!

requested by diesel, supported by kc. why am i still here, just to suffer.

firstly: both chapters 15 and 16 touch on cinder’s grimm blood SO MUCH and it’s fucking bonkers how much of it she gets away with glynda “dumbass” goodwitch MISINTERPRETING as her being a faunus, and it hurts me as a reader because I MYSELF am aware of something that cinder IS VERY AWARE OF and watching glynda dodge the truth by a spare MILIMETER is killing me. GLYNDA OPEN YR EYES. GL Y N D A

also, im gonna try and cover all the places i 👈😎👈'd in in the chapter 16 liveblog so hold tight whilst i find all fifty fuckin billion of em

okay so THIS ONE... also ties into what i said BUT ‘shearing parts of their own bodies in a desperate break for freedom’ rly Whacked me over the head because it rly makes me think of when cinder saw lamia in the og version and how she was so soft and human and she was leaning into it SO hard... and we’ve covered this in an earlier chapter in which cinder acknowledges shes being Too Human (what with the dressing up and such) but the fact that shes still. TOO human. trying so hard to fit into her Other Life away from her momma what w/ em and merc and everything and im like woof. glynda. too close 2 home. TOO CLOSE,

also ‘whats sadder than this’? a disappointed mom. u know it,

we had the gay bit where i ceased to fucking exist as a queer and gay because hohoho cinder’s bobbies etc but aLSO

im thinking of the pasta scene. do we remember the pasta scene? i remember the pasta scene. i am thinking of the pasta scene, and i choose to forget,

/claps me little hands

this happened in chapter 15 too w/ a BILLION references to volcanoes but GOD GLYNDA JUST. SHE GETS. SO CLOSE TO THE TRUTH.

SHE SNIFFS THE TRUTH DIRECTLY AND THEN JUST. TURNS AROUND??? GLYNDA COME BACK YOU HAD IT. YOU HAD IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and also the reminder that cinder was one of several attempts that didnt make it, made all the more agonising to know it TOOK A WHILE TOO. ugh the relationship between cinder and her mom and what cinder feels she owes versus how much lamia loves her fucking. it is easily the most tragic part of this whole fic and im not ready to see it happen again. never before have i felt such empathy for the Bad Guy and i can feel it coming. its approaching and im scared.

this post must SUCK on tumblr mobile none of these images will load but im being lazy JKGHDSFGSFD

knowing that glynda is communicating these deep-seated fears of wanting to Be More and cinder knows. KNOWS she is ACTIVELY in this MOMENT trying to take that away from her??? to BECOME glyndas greatest fear??? to leave her nothing but this hollowed shell of nothing????????? glyndas done SO MUCH the be the hero and the good guy because thats what she felt her life was and cinders trying to abuse that to make her the tool of the end of the world and cinder can. SHE CAN FEEL IT. in that instant she has to face being glyndas greatest nightmare and like. fuck. thats SOMETHING huh. IM GOING MENTAL.

“What is your destiny?” Glynda asked, feeling bolder than before.

The fingers brushing hair behind Glynda’s ear stalled. Cinder’s palm laid warm against Glynda’s high, sharp cheekbone. Something stuttered and then leapt between them, and Glynda’s face went hot when Cinder whispered, “You.”

“Me?”

“We were born in the same year. You couldn’t have known that—that we’re the same age.” Cinder paused and withdrew her hand, tucking it against her own chest. “But my mother felt it. I always knew.”

Glynda didn’t begin to know how to respond.

“We were born in the same year,” Cinder repeated, almost as if to remind herself, like swearing an oath. “We’ve always been each other’s destiny.”

“I always thought it was my destiny to die,” Glynda finally admitted. “Just like my mothers.”

“No,” Cinder said, distantly. “No, it isn’t.”

okay this is. the bit. The Bit. sit down a sec whilst i try and sort this out in my brainmeat. like ive actually paused my music this is how serious i am.

this section epitomises the plot of the fic. such like lamia and the witch soul, glynda and cinder are soulmates, but the enemies edition. and this plot -- the arc of offal hunt -- isnt just an enemies to lover slowburn, but how these two redirect the very forces of fate to become the very thing that could not have been, right? born in the same year, destined to battle each other out, the fight of the witch and the Witch, destined to be bound in blood and fire.

and they ARE. and theyre also NOT. because they DO make it their destiny... but in THEIR way. this story ends how it SHOULD -- with them locked in great battle -- but ends how they WANT, being together, bound forever.

and cinder’s last line really does it because in some sense glynda WONT die in the machine, of course. its built off her living... functionally forever, in a sense? but what cinder says is TRUE also with the END because glynda dies... and then DOESNT. SHE JUST DOESNT. SHE JUST SHRUGS THAT SHIT RIGHT OFF.

the story subverts destiny BY FOLLOWING THEIR DESTINY EXACTLY. BUT IN THEIR WAY. THEIR PATH. and thats why this bit HURTS because if we took this in bad faith cinder means ‘yr destiny is not to die (but be used forever to fuel endless suffering)’. but we know as Veterans -- even if cinder probably literally doesnt -- that shes right. glyndas destiny isnt to die. its to be exactly where she belongs.

WHAT IS THIS POETIC CINEMA. I HATE IT.

this final segment was me realising that of course, betrayal is forecasted. this chapter is so soft and tender and paves the way for the ‘--to lovers’ part of this story, but glynda is going to realise that cinders being lying to her this whole time, and when that happens this part of this fic is literally going to be marred by that, u kno? but for now. for not. im gonna enjoy it as is. just a moment of bed sharing and secrets, and also cinders bobbies.

[empresspiscea]

anger | 09.10.19 | I had a quite transformative evening (that has given me a lil ptsd, but we gon say it's for the better) on this day.

So I left my wallet at work; ive determined the most aggravating part of this was 1) I had made plans with rio to go and get something to eat and my wallet had my money and 2) I had to drive all the way back to work (a total of 30 minutes just to go back) before driving all the way back to my house. Just contemplating the mileage (and its ware on my car but im getting over that) and the fact that it was diverting my time elsewhere when I wanted to be heading to my cousins.

In the process of heading back to work, I ran a red light when I mistook a green arrow for a green light. I remember the cars honking at me, but in the moment it was all a blur. I had realized what I’d done, but I didn’t process the totality of the experience until I was lying in bed and it hit me like a care could've if god hadn't of had my hack there.

I NEVER WANT TO BE  THAT ANGRY AGAIN. I never want to NOT be full control of how I react to stimuli and misinterpreting stimuli because my mind is occupied elsewhere.

Though I am proud that I could be fully aware of myself in the moment. I knew I was irritated at the situation and that it translated to anger towards myself. I was capable of expressing that emotion. I yelled. I screamed. I sped. And I got through the moment. By the time I got to my job, I had cooled down and by the time I got home I was able to shrug the situation.

BUT using hindsight, I could have handled the situation much better. (I realized this at the time, but I now I can fully accept it). I could have calmly driven to work, gotten my wallet, drove home and even met up with rio if I were still feeling up to it. I did not need to let my anger get in the way of my RATIONAL. Everything turned out fine, because everything was going to be fine.

I just ask myself to learn to sit with my anger as I correct any faults.

Affirmation: I am already mad. I don’t need to make this worse when I know how to make it better

[lokis-little-candle-flame]

The post I mentioned is in the queue but I need to vent first and I feel like this is somewhat appropriate for this blog.

I’ve been watching a certain lokean channel on youtube for a few weeks. I really enjoyed the content and the creator seemed pretty receptive to comments. recently they posted a video in which they were having trouble with their sound. I wanted to be helpful so I offered a few suggestions. After a few replies back and forth I went to bed. The next day I saw they posted a new video. They began to talk about how fed up they were with people telling them that their videos weren’t good enough. They were quoting some of the suggestions I had made verbatum so I knew they were talking about me. They said they had “banned” someone. Nevertheless I sent a comment trying to apologize and explain that there had been a misunderstanding. But I don’t even know if they will see that i commented and if they do they may just ignore it/delete it without reading it.

At first i was sad because i genuinely didn’t mean to hurt this persons feelings and was only trying to be helpful. I liked this person and their videos. but now im a little ticked off. like ok so you are hurt by something i said so your solution is not to say “hey that hurt my feelings” and at least give me the opportunity to make amends, but instead to not say anything, ban me from sending comments, but not from seeing the video in which you publicly shit all over me and make me out to be some pretentious arrogant teenager. like fuck man. if you got a problem with me just tell me! seriously, im a socially inept idiot and we’re communicating via youtube comments, please. be blunt. please. tell me. exactly what you mean. don’t assume that you know anything about me just because you misinterpreted what i was saying. and don’t fucking publicly say false shit about me while not even giving me the chance to defend myself. fuck. if i were outright saying stuff like “ur vids suc” then that would be a different story. and this person doesn’t have any social media linked in their desc. just their patreon so it’s not like I can try to speak with them on any other platform. like. i literally want to apologize. but i cant. so idk what else to do.

what does this have to do with Loki? Well I didn’t want to involve Him since He has ties on both ends but I do know that in other situations Loki has taught me not to take shit lying down. but since there’s nothing I can do without being invasive and unethical I don’t think I have much choice. 

So I guess that was the lesson. sometimes shit happens and there’s nothing you can do so the best thing is to just move on. I just hope this isn’t gonna result in like half the Lokeans on social media thinking I’m a piece of shit. damn

[emilypatrick]

A thing that no one will read.

Three years ago my husband had a psychotic break. I had to put him in a psychiatric hospital for stabilization.

Before he was hospitalized, from about oct until feb we were busy arguing.

It wasn’t apparent what was really happening until he started letting on that he was hearing voices and misinterpreting words both written and in speech.

The *aha* moment came when he insisted an audible voice would respond to him, when he told me he loved me.

Husband: I love you.

Voice in head: no you don’t.

We spent an evening in our living room when he insisted that we talk to the voice because it was coming from above/ out of the light fixture.

So, as we stood there together.

My husband saying, “ I love you “.

And me telling him I didn’t hear anything.

All that resulted from that was, I was lying, I was one of them, I was an agent working against him, I was gaslighting him.

Once I understood the severity I got in touch with his psychiatrist and I was told that , yes, hospitalization was needed due to the situation.

Once I started my attempt to rationalize with this irrational person, explaining that he needed to go to hospital.

The argument quickly turned to my husband tearing our marriage apart, telling me to leave, telling me he didn’t love me anymore.

I knew in my heart that he wasn’t well.

He knew it was the last thing he could destroy to get rid of me to avoid going to the hospital.

Everything leading up to that felt like it was ‘the hardest thing to deal with’.

Being alone while he was in hospital was hard, I’ve never lived on my own and I don’t drive.

After he was released from the hospital he was heavily medicated and still hearing voices.

It took a full six months for the voices to subside, some symptoms remained.

Things kind of plateaued after a while with no improvement and no decline.

He was still miserable every day.

It was about a year / year and a half after the hospital inpatient care that his doctor suggested a second opinion.

So, we did just that.

My husband went to a new doctor with more experience in schizoaffective disorders for his second opinion.

It took six or seven months for the second doctor to release his report to my husbands primary doctor.

The diagnosis was different.

Instead of schozoafferctive disorder he was given bipolar type 1 with facets of ocd and ptsd from the trauma of his psychotic break.

His prescriptions were changed and things were getting better.

We were still at a place where he didn’t talk about the ‘episode’ with me.

It wasn’t until recently he started opening up about the ‘episode’.

This seemed like a milestone had been reached, we were talking about what happened and we were finally addressing some relationship problems.

This past week was particularly rough.

My husband wasn’t sleeping and if he did it wasn’t restful, he went four days without any sleep.

It was only last night in putting up dishes and tidying the kitchen that I found his cache.

I found two unopened bags of medication, totaling five pill bottles. It took me by surprise.

After asking him why he had unopened bags of medication/ asking the ‘right’ questions did he fess up.

I found out last night that my husband has been off of his antipsychotic and antidepressant, for quite some time. The only medication he had been taking was his adderall.

I kinda hate myself right now for trusting him to take his medication.

I don’t really like how I have been thrust into this caretaker role.

I don’t like anything about how I feel.

I’m incredibly guilty feeling because in my mind I know I cannot handle the emotional and mental strain of being the partner of someone during a psychotic break.

I promised myself last time, for the sake of my sanity that if he has another psychotic break We will separate.

I feel like a garbage person for having to set that boundary.

I’m essentially writing this to hold myself accountable and as a promise to myself that whatever happens I’m worth making that sacrifice.

For the most part I’ve been incredibly isolated and lonely the past three years. Even as recently as last summer my husband told me to leave.

It’s just been really really hard.

I stopped making art, I stopped going out with friends.

I’m a shell of what I think I used to be. I have felt like I’m under a heavy blanket.

At this point I don’t even know who cares enough about me to talk to.

I’ve been that friend that’s in a long term relationship. I’m scared of friends not liking me if I’m honest. Im scared of losing friends over me even being completely honest and sharing my plan if ‘shit hits the fan’.

If you are reading this, rather still reading this I ask that if a friend or family member is going through any of this please be there for them.

I ask if you are in the same-ish situation I am, be kind to yourself.

Anyhow, I’m going to go ‘not cry’ and rationalize my actions/ justify why I’ve been where I am for the past three years and try to not worry about the future.

❤️

[comicalbunnessa]

I need to address some stuff.

I think at one point I had this in my DA bio.

But, I have severe anxiety. I often have to rethink about things ive done or drawn. I make mistakes like normal humans do and they break me down like water does to cotton candy.

I often either over explain (which makes it seem like im lying) out of fear i wont be believed or i over share. Once i start talking It’s hard to stop and then i end up feeling like im not liked or im being annoying. I love being to be nurturing to my friends but i feel like shit if i hurt them whether it be by accidental doing or unintentional. I always just wanted to fit in and over the years my life has not been easy. I have unspoken trauma that only close friends know and I will not share them here for personal reasons.

I try my best to keep my hardships out of my art and sometimes i try to convey messages through my comic that are relatable for some people and not just about my troubles.

BlackOut and my art are what mean the world to me and I’ve lost friends because of oversharing when i didn’t mean to push or be pushy. I’m trying my best through therapy (thank god) to stitch up my problems so that these things don’t keep happening cause it hurts me when people are hurt and I dont understand all the time. It bothers me when i can’t understand. It bothers me when no reason is given. It bothers me when i feel like someone is lying to me that something is not my fault when very clearly it probably or most likely is.

I delete things that are too personal but i will share them on tumblr because i feel like its less populated unless i openly share the link to it.

I think towards the middle of 2021 i deleted a small handful of comics of someones characters and my own because they were gifts and i thought we had become close. No matter how long it was we had been talking. I like to check up on people and make sure theyre ok and i get attached to people so easily. It makes it hard to let go in the end. I still struggle letting go. I deleted the pictures aside from one from the art trade we did that sort of sparked my interest in a friendship. I was just so sick of looking at them and it hurt me to look at them. Sometimes when their art pops up i crumble on the inside and it sucks it had to end this way. It makes me wish i wasnt a shitty person and that i had done better. But i know i cant change the past and can only move forward at this point.

I hold no offense to them or any one else that have stopped being my friend or paused the friendship between the two of us. I will not go into detail and i will not tell those who werent there what happened as it was private and it would be rude of me to talk on it. I don’t want anyone to be harrassed either for anything that could possibly be misinterpreted.

I am not going to say that all this is an excuse for my actions and if i could i would take them back and whole heartedly apologize any way i could/can. I hope that one day i can resalvage some of the friendships i probably destroyed. I understand that the world does not revolve around myself and people have conditions like me that could be worst or similar. I just try my best to hold back on things that could potentially hurt people.

I even scrapped a funny character idea i made on a whim because i had gotten attached and babbled way too much on it. Im not sure if it was a coping mechanism or something else but I refuse outside of private sketches to draw them or show them off anymore.

I’m sorry for the long post but this needed to be said. If this is rebloged please tag this appropriatly with a vent tag or important tag.

Have a good day/night everyone. I’m probably going to post some type of art to boost my motivation and mood.

-CB

[dancedance-resolution]

please do not reblog, this is just a personal little note

i’m really happy with how therapy went today

it was my fourth session with my new therapist. i think i like her a lot.

conversations with my new therapist feel a lot more natural than with the old one.

with her, i don’t feel the same sort of pressure that i did with my last therapist. my last therapist gave me extremely rigidly professional vibes. and this new therapist is still appropriately professional of course, but she’s also more casual. she always opens every session with a funny anecdote about her kids, and then sort of uses that as a segue to get me to share something similar, and then based on what i share, she asks a lot of questions that lead us to dive deeper.

conversely, my old therapist always followed a strict script. she first asked me to rate my mood on a scale of 1 to 10 (which i hated doing, because i never knew what my mood actually was other than “vaguely in the middle i suspect question mark”) (thank you alexythemia, lol). then she always asked “is there anything you want to talk about today.” and i would always shake my head no, because the question is too broad to know how to respond. and that’s something my mom and i actually worked on together - starting around age 17, before each session, we’d written down stuff i should mention. but i was rarely able to say the stuff i had prepared, because i couldn’t get myself to say the words (autism symptom maybe? idk). it’s a lot easier for me to talk when i have a narrow, specific question to answer, and if the other person has been talking for a bit before they expect me to talk. and my new therapist does both of these things

and i like that this new therapist is a bit similar to me. she’s fat. she doesn’t wear make up. she was raised catholic. oh, and she has visible tattoos - which i don’t have, but my point here is that she’s not the stereotypical picture of Health Professional. and she knows a lot more about adhd than my old therapist did, and she knows slightly more about autism than my old therapist did (which was Absolutely Nothing, lol).

also, i think that this change in therapists was necessary. i was with my old therapist for 5 years. i started seeing her when i was 14. she had a very specific perception of me based on how i was when she first met me at 14 - a perception which tainted the way she responded to my current problems. and that wasn’t a good thing for me, because my outlook on life and self-understanding have changed a lot since i was 14, in ways that i never was able to articulate to her properly. plus, i was always anxious to reveal anything new to her. like i was afraid she’d get upset if one day i was like, “hey bestie, i know i’ve been seeing you for 5 years already, but i’m just now going to bring up the fact that i’ve had issues with compulsively lying to my father since age 7 uwu.” (i know it’s irrational to fear “failing therapy”, but also, it’s not as irrational as it sounds. because when i was 18, my mom revealed to the therapist that i’ve always been the type of person to cry at the tip of a hat, and my therapist seemed kind of taken aback and frustrated that i never told that to her. and yeah, it is understandable that that would frustrate her, but it unintentionally made me feel really guilty and bad.)

also, this therapist definitely treats me like an adult more than the other one did. i think maybe my old therapist was still stuck on seeing me as that initial terrified 14-year-old. whereas this therapist gives me a lot more agency and has more trust in me to know myself and my needs. our sessions do follow somewhat of a routine, but it’s a routine we worked out together over the course of the first 3 sessions when she was trying to figure out how to make things comfortable for me. (example - at the first session, she asked me what i want out of therapy, and i said, “i don’t know.” she took me at my word, and she didn’t shame me for it. and i think that that experience sorta taught her that she needs to be more specific when asking me questions.)

i also like she’s very open with me about her perception of me. like, today, i told her about how i started crying when a staff member from my community college called me to confirm that i’d cancelled my classes for this summer semester. and my therapist expressed some surprise that i cried because [paraphrasing] “you always seem very put together and articulate during our sessions. sometimes i’m able to hear anxiety in your tone of voice about certain topics, but for the most part, you always seem very emotionally grounded during our sessions.” and her honesty gave us an opportunity to talk about masking. (also, i appreciate knowing that she can hear anxiety in my voice, because i had no idea that was a thing?? like i know you can hear when someone’s voice gets high-pitched and breaks like they’re gonna cry, but i‘ve never done that during one of our sessions? lol, so i guess this is a little fun fact i’ve learned about neurotypicals, that they can detect anxiety in ppl’s voices even if they’re not obviously on the brink of tears lol.)

a few specific things that happened at today’s session that were good:

when i talked about my sleep issues, she actually brought the conversation in a direction i hadn’t expected - she started asking if i’m putting too much pressure on myself regarding productivity. my initial answer was no - i unenrolled from my summer classes. i don’t have a part time job. i don’t have any traditional responsibilities. but upon discussing it, we kinda figured out that i am putting a lot of pressure on myself to enjoy the summer, because i have this sort of doomsday mindset of This Is My Last Summer Break Before I Have To Work Full-Time So I Must Take Advantage Of Every Moment To Enjoy Myself. and that’s unreasonable - it’s a pandemic, i’m recovering from bad burn out, and i’m trying to adjust to new meds. she actually said a lot of things about bodily consent and stuff that i’d already read in the book laziness does not exist, so it was sort of like affirmation and emphasis that those concepts are good, valid, and applicable to me.

she gave me some reassurance regarding my summer schedule. my alarm goes off at 6:20 every weekday morning so i can attend mass. (i’m an atheist, but the structure is very good for me.) but i’ve had some concerns that maybe waking up so early is unhealthy and also contributing to my sleep issues (i unintentionally wake up around 4 almost every morning, and i started to wonder if maybe that’s because my internal clock is anticipating waking up at 6:20). we discussed the pros and cons of waking up for mass in the morning, and she gave me her opinion that this schedule is probably good for me (she agreed with my pro/con assessment). and she also pointed out that i woke up at 6 every morning throughout high school without as much sleep issues, so it’s more likely that the sleep issues are from anxiety. (and i’m going on anxiety meds starting in early july, so we’re hopeful that that will help that a bit.) so yeah, i feel better about my mass schedule, and i feel reassurance that this is a reasonable and good plan. she also said that she was very proud that i had not only the idea to use morning mass as a source of structure but also the discipline to go every morning despite the early hour and despite the fact that i have no external force forcing me to go 🥺 which was nice to hear, because over years of having undiagnosed adhd, i received a lot of messaging that i lack self-discipline, so i was glad to hear the validation that she thinks i’m a disciplined person (at least regarding mass, lol)

we talked about my summer goals, and we talked about possible sources of non-stressful accountability. the current flexible plan is that i’ll keep track of everything i accomplish from that goal list and then share it with her at the end of each session so we can workshop what went well, why it went well, what i’m struggling with, and how i could maybe work through those things better.

i still feel very anxious about this whole therapy thing (i’m still very scared that i’m doing it wrong and not saying the right things), but i felt especially good after today’s session. like, i’ve been in therapy for 5 years. i felt like i plateaued in progress a while ago, so i’m really happy that i managed to get something out of today’s session!!!!! that hasn’t happened in so so long (low key if ever…..).

also. IM PROUD OF MYSELF for sharing stuff with her, correcting her when she misinterpreted one thing i said, and having a positive attitude about how today went 😎. and i’m proud of myself for fending off feelings of guilt that i spent so long typing this out (it’s not wasted time, because it’s helping me process what happened today), and i’m proud that i’m in a place where i’m open to going on anxiety meds.

my life is still a mess. i had a fun little breakdown not even an hour before the therapy session, in fact! but i’ve made some significant progress over these few months - i started meds, i switched therapists, and i started (and am sticking to) a new daily routine. and i had the courage to prioritize my health and cancel my summer semester classes, which was a really hard decision for me! oh, and i also finally published that smutty crucible fic that’s been in my wip folder for over a year!

my mental health is still extremely poor, lol. in fact, one could argue that i’ve regressed in many ways. but guess what bitch!! i don’t have skooter ankle ideation, and also, generally? IM MAKING PROGRESS. that’s what counts. i’m very happy about that, and i’m very proud of myself for that.

[lemon-sugarcoats-nothing]

The following is part of a post i made on DA shortly before my bday- Thought i should put it here for- my friends who arent on DA, but are on here- so.. yeah- full version of this is on my 16th birthday acknowledgement deviation post description- Along with theee rest of my life before now

TW; Im- talking about my experience of suicidal thoughts, ideation and- planning. What lead up to it, and the results. What helped me out of it, and where i am now- Im okay for the time being, i dont have any plans to kill myself anymore- soo... yeah- 

This year has been better than last with events, but hasnt been mental health-wise. Life somewhat teased a repeat of my last year, many- many times- but didnt. Yet. Dear god i hope it doesnt repeat- But the fear of a repeat has left me distracted from school. The first quarter went well, but the second went to shit almost immediately. i fell behind on school...really badly. I was still doing some homework, but couldnt focus on it very long. I was going through my days without really living them; going to classes, only to not pay attention, and to watch youtube all the way until bed. Maybe i'd draw some too. When december rolled around i decided i was going to get back on track during winter break. I had about...17 overdue at the time, so this wasnt an unreasonable goal. "Im going to do a few assignments a day. I have more than a week to do this, so i'll still have plenty of free time"...and then every single one of my classes assigned essays the week before winter break. Something about me is that.. i cant focus in reading something im not 1. reading for myself and 2. have no interest in. I just cant. I have to listen to it being read, or i have to find SOMETHING to motivate me. And all of these essays had a reading passage to go with them...and i- broke... The class sessions i was supposed to be working on the essays, i was having panic attacks and breakdowns instead. On top of this, i was being hit with memories of my childhood my brain had shut away- and i was having another gender identity crisis- And eventually this...lead to the suicidal thoughts. At some point they got so loud that i couldnt focus on anything else, but the thoughts- and these thoughts persisted for days until i started- thinking of a plan... at first it was just- thinking of how i would do it- just to get the thought to quiet down a little so i could finally distract myself- but distracting only goes so far... First i was only going to live out until christmas, but then i thought it'd be a waste to not live out christmas break- and i hadnt written anything to say goodbye, so i pushed the date until January 4th, so i could live the last week of my life in peace, and then die. For once in my life my procrastination actually benefited me, because when that date came, i realized i hadnt remembered to think of how to do the act, and also hadnt written anything. So... i pushed the date to the end of the semester...January 25th. I started writing to all my friends, because i couldnt think of just one letter for all of them.. i had something different to say to everyone- Then i lost the energy to write, and planned on recording an audio clip for each person, which would also save them the effort of reading- I has also written out an apology to my friend's parents, covering all my bases, and planned on recording audio for that too, so my tone couldn't be misinterpreted... It was around this point that i joined a few discord servers to help keep myself occupied, while completely neglecting my homework, and- this becomes important in a sec... The last step of planning for me was to figure out the best way to...die- I decided that- slitting my wrist- would be easiest, and would allow greater chance at survival if i changed my mind last minute, than the other options i was considering... One night, i couldnt sleep so i figured it wouldnt hurt to figure out how much pressure i'd need to apply to- do what's needed- but i didnt get very far and realized that this method wouldnt work and had to rework my plan. This was just a few nights before i met my new friends in one of the discord servers- When talking to these people, i was able to relax and- be at peace for once. And i started to feel my need to die...fading- it was still there, because i was scared of the consequences of not doing my schoolwork for so long- One of these nights, i ended up slipping off a clue to one of them that something is wrong when we were the only ones on vc- which worried him- and i cracked, and told him what's going on, lying a bit so he wouldnt worry. A few days later, my mom found out about my 27+ overdue assignments, and her reaction was WAAYYYYY more mild than i thought it'd be- which- gave me no more reason to die so the plans went to the dumpster, less than a week before they were to be carried out- She didnt make me do the assignments, she just told me to do better this semester. As soon as January 25th came, relief swept over me and for the first time in an entire month, i could fully relax... i wanted to cry from how much relief i was feeling lol the following week, i took to just take it easy, tho a lot of my teachers were starting to talk goals for this semester which- overwhelmed me a lot, because i was only just starting to think about what i wanted to do the next day- the week had a light homework schedule, so i didnt fall behind either, which is good! The week after that, aka last week, i was starting to build myself back up. Still wasnt attending all my classes, and wasnt paying attention in them, but did most of my homework. I have a few assignments to make up already, but thats okay, because im still trying to put myself back together, and i know i need to take it slow- This week, im still trying to get back on my feet but im starting to create goals now, and taking baby steps. Not thinking about goals for graduating yet, just about this quarter. This month even lol Im not going to worry about the assignments im missing just yet, but my goal is to make sure i get all my work in this quarter, even if its unfinished, or really really late. "Submitting something and getting points knocked is better than submitting nothing and getting a 0" is something my mom told me... and i want to make that my motto for this semester. Start everything, and submit everything, even if it isnt finished. Now, i still plan on apologizing to my friend's parents, but i need to fully move on from what happened in january first. I'll need to rewrite the script first too, because looking at it causes a feeling of dread and- upsetness?