#which is logical bc it’s hell
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Ngl, Viktor vaguely reminds me of Husk from Hazbin hotel. Both grumpy softies :]
On that note, have you heard of the series Helluva Boss :0 ? (It's free to watch on yt)
I don't know your exact tastes in media but the art in the show is incredible in my opinion and the story is cool.
Just wanted to know what my favourite artist though on it if you've ever heard of it. Anygay!
Love your stuff 💙. You keep doing you Cass and i wish you a good day!
I think Victor is more like Tai Lung from Kung Fu Panda. But you have a point.
Yeah, I watched Helluva Boss, but I can't say I liked it much. The animation is beautiful and the art style looks interesting. I can appreciate well-done work, but this show doesn't really make me feel anything. I could have turned on a random youtube video instead and been more interested.
#idk why#maybe because almost all characters in this show kinda terrible#not as a bad written character#i mean as a terrible person#they’re killing/cheating/lying/etc#which is logical bc it’s hell#but it’s also making me so desensitised to all those things#that when I supposed to worry or at least care about them#instead I’m just …eh. whatever#idk how to explain it better#maybe it’s all about my brain being built that way#I like stories that can show me trust and care and kindness#and then make me shake in fear when they threaten to take them away#you know what I mean?
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Apparently we do all need this explained. But the reason why the army does nothing to protect Minrathous is because they’re carrying out the coup. You generally cannot do a coup without a military backing you and unseating your political rivals and the current leadership. That’s how coup’s work. I hope this helps.
#dragon age#veilguard#veilguard spoilers#dragon age the veilguard#about half my family lives under a military junta#hell#last time i visited them a coup had just happened#that’s why i know how coups work#bc as a child my mom went#‘at least we coup ourselves’#bc internal coup is better than a forigen power coup#which is some fucked up logic#but also makes sense#minrathous#treviso#datv#lucanis#neve#neve gallus#lucanis dellemorte
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hiii cool drawing person!! I uh saw that you kind of do requests? So I was wondering if I could request a little doodle of Yesod hugging Netzach.. I feel like Netzach goes through so much hell that he'd need that, and Yesod would like to give affection to someone considering his uh. . . prior need to delete a bunch of information and pretend that no one who died existed you know ? Plus snake.. haha good at squeezing. and he's chest height, how stupid <3 thank you so much for making so many people's days with your art and your thoughts oh my god your thoughts. i love how you dissect these little freaks 🥺



hi neat anonymous sender!! thank you so much for your words!!! im so glad that i can bring some sort of joy and happiness even if it is small. and that my thoughts and writings are well received still. i am still in a bit of a shock that people like and read them even with the passing time. . . i hope youre okay with these doodles! thank you for sending this in
#library of ruina#netzach#netzach lor#yesod#yesod lor#intimacy. i suppose romantic? what ever is wanted. regardless of what the affection could be categorized as its still affection#mister viper. looked briefly into it so i dont know the particulars but it seems that venomous snakes dont really curl around their prey#considering the toxins would immobilize with out a need to go ahead and hold them down. not to say that they Dont curl but constriction is#more typically thought of as pythons or boas. mister boa. hehehe.#netz is typically just happy to be in the presence of or around those he likes. see carmen for example. so physical grounded touch to affirm#the fact of proximity and. i guess realness? would be nice i think. ability to wait and still stay by the side i guess. he has a thing with#expecting or thinking things to leave. not as much anymore and being more brave or fearless inspite of that preconceived notion but still#i cant quite articulate it the way i want it but its the general idea resigned acceptance now turning to budding change yet still there#which is why it can be scary. or had seemed pointless to go ahead and fight against an inevitable. so just a kind of physical reassurance#and patience and staying is nice. for yesod its to where i wanted him to typically be drawn w his arms on the outside isntead of boxed in?#a thing w restriction. if youre hugged and your arms are on the inside you lose that mobility and ability to move. feels like it would be a#comfort thing to just be able to have the arms in a position that can move even if logically it is alright and a safe environment#i wanted netzs hold to be there and present still but kind of lazy? dual nature of have it more limp or lax bc its netz but also bc it would#have it to where it wouldnt be confining. but still embracing. sort of thing#also w the sheets. based a little off my own experiences? remind of it. when overstimulated or just in HELL mentally sheets and blankets#feel like they tangle and bind and serve to distress than anything positive. so yk. duality of man. weighted blanket to be encased in a#cacoon or no sheets at all to be free and able to move. but yeah. main idea. also then realized that id have to draw more bc of that#[cent miscellaneous]#there was more but they were Too Sketchy... tis okay. suprised i was able to get anything done rn in the first place even if small#... i never thought abt it i guess these are kinda requests. i mean thats chill and fun but like. huh
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Every day, I am tempted to use my powers for lawful evil. Whyyyyyyy is that one unethical? I’d be so good at it! 😩
#ebony writes the thing#Some asshole was mansplaining shit to me incorrectly. and I was suddenly tempted to say the following:#‘I’m actually really concerned because what you’re saying doesn’t make sense. you’re also going in circles and getting aggressive. which—‘#‘—could be a sign of N.N. It’s a neurological condition where certain connections decay. causing psychological symptoms and gradual loss—‘#‘—of sensation in certain body parts. end stage signs include that circular logic. aggression. and testicular insensitivity in men. you—‘#‘—might want to talk to your PCP about a urology referral. or seek emergency care if there is full loss of sensation.’#<- you see that? beautifully evil.#but still.#I am unfortunately not allowed to gaslight. even if I think the person probably needs a fucking eye exam bc what the hell are you seeing??#just bc he wanted to argue about vasectomies being amoral doesn’t give me that right#bUT IF IT DID—
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favorite type of villanous characters are the ones whose motivations boil down to

like they dont even have to have any stakes in the broader situation. they just have take pleasure in destruction
#sometimes this can be done in a very funee cartoon villain kind of way a la spike from buffy#and sometimes it can be done in a positively chilling way where this character knows for a fact that some of the effects of their chaos#will also make their life worse. but they just enjoy fucking with other people more than any privation they could personally experience#you can't sway this person with common sense because their own personal logic dictates that it doesn't apply to them#you can't sway them with emotion; your sadness/fear/anger/ineffectuality is part of the entertainment factor#can't sway 'em with threats because dodging threats is ALSO part of the whole point#this second version is the least pathetic type of character mostly because they simply do not give a shit about anything ever#any personal fears are buried or stomped out and figuring out why they do what they do won't stop them from doing it#and yet: in order to keep the relentless making-it-worse guy from being uninterestingly evil there does have to be SOME desire or need#bodily harm or lack of available victims could get you a moment of genuine terror or loneliness that sparks the audience sympathy#which you do need! just long enough for the sympathy to then be misplaced. which you also need bc this is an antagonist#the first version does very well at redemption arcs and is sort of built for them . they're almost too easy for the first cartoon version#the second version should be kept separate from redemption arcs at all costs#or you no longer have that character anymore now he's someone else#writing tag#q#god. one thing is that i know how to spot character types in writing and detail what's good about them and talk about it#but when it comes to then executing the concept? my perception of what's cool and works and my execution are MILES apart#frustrating as hell that i can identify this guy but not create him
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anybody remember the stephanie brown essay I was working on under a research grant fully last summer? yeah it’s not done yet it super needs to be done and I’ve been avoiding working on it for weeks. someone tell me to just do it already
#the problem is. actually there are several problems#1) I’ve been out of the Batman/dc comics phase for almost a year so I don’t care that much about the topic#2) I am fifteen pages in and have not touched it in months so I’ve completely lost my train of thought#3) I can’t just reread it because I hate first five pages or so and I know I need to change it but I was trying to finish before editing#so now my only solution is I need to open up a new doc and completely restructure the whole thing by splicing together the existing writing#so that I can figure out where the hell im going with this and make sure things fit together better#unfortunately that sounds fucking exhausting#but I told my mentor I would have an update for him by the end of the week and. well. it’s the end of the week#I have to present it in April. I have to write and submit an abstract in March#the school gave me $1500 for this stupid essay and if I don’t have anything to show for myself.#well. I don’t know they can’t take the money BACK but it’s not a good look#and also I would feel bad#I did the research!!! i interviewed comic writers even!!! I just haven’t finished WRITING IT DOWN#and I KNOOOOWW once I get started it’ll be fine once I’m going I’m going#but STARTING is hard because I feel like I have to finish it in one go which makes it so huge and daunting#I’m like. slamming my head into a wall. just write a couple sentences Jess something is better than nothing#just start it you don’t have to finish just START just MAKE the new DOC#I know!!!!! that is what my therapist would say!!!! Jess you’re trying to oneshot it bc of your dumb adhd brain!!!!#stop looking at it like that and making it scarier!!!#but even tho I know that logically I’m still like oh I should put away the dishes o should make bread#I should work on my six different art pieces I should do laundry i should play with the puppy I should go for a walk I sh
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@megitsuneko said ; ✿ can i hab for dante and moriarty lily pwease / from : 𝐏𝐑𝐄-𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐁𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐇𝐄𝐃 𝐑𝐄𝐋𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒𝐇𝐈𝐏 𝐌𝐄𝐌𝐄 𝟎.𝟐
; 𝐃𝐀𝐍𝐓𝐄
FRIENDSHIP. childhood friends / work buddies or coworkers / family friends / friends with benefits / smoking buddies / adventure buddies / fake friends / recently friends / party buddies / friendship of need / dying friendship / circumstantial friendship / partners in crime / old friendship / [ your muse ] is the good influence / [ your muse ] is the 'bad' influence / [ my muse ] is the good influence / [ my muse ] is the bad influence / opposites attract / ride or die / frenemies / roommates or flatmates / penpals / exes to friends / enemies to friends / other
ROMANCE. childhood sweethearts / [ your muse is mines ] childhood crush / [ my muse is yours ] childhood crush / exes / exes to lovers / forbidden lovers / highschool sweethearts / secret relationship / opposites attract / long distance / unrequited [ from your muses side ] / unrequited [ from my muses side ] / unrequited [ from both sides ] / skinny love / friends to lovers / enemies to lovers / spurious relationship / power couple / newly entered / soulmates [ metaphorical ] / soulmates [ literal ] / awkward / turning toxic / toxic love / cheating [ on your muse ] / cheating [ with your muse ] / other
FAMILIAL. siblings [ half ] / siblings [ step ] / [ my muse ] is an older sibling figure to your younger sibling figure / [ my muse ] is a younger sibling figure to your older sibling figure muse / [ my muse ] is a parental figure to yours / [ my muse ] is a child figure to your muse / guardian figure / legal guardian / adoptive child / foster child / [ your muse ] is taken under mines wing / [ my muse ] is taken under yours wing / other
ANTAGONISTIC. dangerous to each other / dangerous to others / unpredictable / rivals / petty / developing into sexual or romantic tension / based off family matters / based of off circumstance / based of professional matters / based off misunderstanding or lies / conflict of ideology / betrayal / hero - villain dynamic / enemies / fight club / friends turned enemies / lovers turned enemies / exes turned enemies / other
; 𝐌𝐎𝐑𝐈𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐘
FRIENDSHIP. childhood friends / work buddies or coworkers / family friends / friends with benefits / smoking buddies / adventure buddies / fake friends / recently friends / party buddies / friendship of need / dying friendship / circumstantial friendship / partners in crime / old friendship / [ your muse ] is the good influence / [ your muse ] is the bad influence / [ my muse ] is the good influence / [ my muse ] is the bad influence / opposites attract / ride or die / frenemies / roommates or flatmates / penpals / exes to friends / enemies to friends / other
ROMANCE. childhood sweethearts / [ your muse is mines ] childhood crush / [ my muse is yours ] childhood crush / exes / exes to lovers / forbidden lovers / highschool sweethearts / secret relationship / opposites attract / long distance / unrequited [ from your muses side ] / unrequited [ from my muses side ] / unrequited [ from both sides ] / skinny love / friends to lovers / enemies to lovers / spurious relationship / power couple / newly entered / soulmates [ metaphorical ] / soulmates [ literal ] / awkward / turning toxic / toxic love / cheating [ on your muse ] / cheating [ with your muse ] / other
FAMILIAL. siblings [ half ] / siblings [ step ] / [ my muse ] is an older sibling figure to your younger sibling figure / [ my muse ] is a younger sibling figure to your older sibling figure muse / [ my muse ] is a parental figure to yours / [ my muse ] is a child figure to your muse / guardian figure / legal guardian / adoptive child / foster child / [ your muse ] is taken under mines wing / [ my muse ] is taken under yours wing / other
ANTAGONISTIC. dangerous to each other / dangerous to others / unpredictable / rivals / petty / developing into sexual or romantic tension / based off family matters / based of off circumstance / based of professional matters / based off misunderstanding or lies / conflict of ideology / betrayal / hero - villain dynamic / enemies / fight club / friends turned enemies / lovers turned enemies / exes turned enemies / other
#megitsuneko#/bold is like;; 'mmm i can see it'; italicized is 'i -could- see it'; SOMETHING LIKE THAT#/THANK U FOR SENDING THIS IN K.ARINNN#/so starting with d.ante- i actually would have never guessed u would pick either of these two OIEUTORIUTR#BUT!! now that im put on the position to think about the possible type of dynamics they could have; IM SEEING IT-#for d.ante i feel like they would be funny together bc t.suyu is very carefree in comparison to d.ante#like she's really the type of 'i'll live my life however i please' while d.ante is more guarded in some cases; the shame and guilt hang-#over his head all the time and dictate a lot about his behavior#like he's really passionate but he fears giving in to those passions u see;; he has some sort of religious guilt thing going on and#something of a double standard- that he cant notice a lot of times#he isn't someone that exactly follows what he thinks all the time; he's very human- so even if he shames himself; sometimes he does t-#-things that arent precisely considered righteous or honorable or correct or virtuous things that he considers beautiful#so i feel like their dynamic would be like;; them in some club and d.ante yelling over the club music 'DO YOU THINK WE'RE EVER TRULY FORGIV#EUITHIERURIUHRDUGIUTU TERRIBLEEEEEE#im also snatching the idea of this poetical role of him now being the one who guides#compared to how he was in his stories as the one who was guided (by virgil); and being something like her guardian#like that lil conciousness on ur shoulder that goes oh goodness gracious that wont do!!! we'll go to hell!!!#as for m.oriarty; EVIL AND EVIL!! i know its more nuanced than that but u get the idea#i think it would be funny if they could NOT stand each other's ahh#like 'Oh -you- again.' (DEROGATIVE)#but are somehow connected each time something happens like;; why are you stepping all over my business AGAIN#forced to cooperate and hating every second of it OTIRUTORT#they either find something neat about each other or are incredibly petty about each other#i italicized enemies to lovers bc it could happen too; but I think on his end he would be way too prideful to admit#that he's been too lenient on her trampling over his 'businesses'#like if there was romance in there; it would def be the type of -exasperated- hateship OEITYOERIYTOE#cannot stand that capricious woman!! -keeps standing it-#theres something about stoic no-nonsense 100% logical guy and playful thrill seeker lady#yet they meet on one thing which is precisely that 'thrill seeking' in their own chaotic ways#of being SHOW OFFS
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(mgv) the one heat that house went through while wilson was preoccupied with amber was vicious. he didn't even chance calling wilson to see if amber would allow him to help with his cycle because given how wilson was being swayed by her, house was starting to doubt how effective his neediness was in keeping wilson's attention. the thought of wilson regarding him, even down to the barest quantifier of "omega in heat", with disinterest was too much to even consider.
#house mgv#mgv#house has a pattern when it comes to working thru his heats with partners#he tends to have a solo heat between heats with wilson assistance and those with hired help#even tho he's essentially nonfunctioning for his heats so he should always have someone w/him for his cycles#but it's house so that so does not happen#hindbrain gets caught up w/wilson and logic brain is like just hire a workin girl#and he just stalemates until it finally hits which is when he's like oh well too late now#and just holes up in bed for a week and is miserable the whole time#so his hindbrain shuts up for the next heat bc he's sort of in the habit of reminding himself that >#wilson may be his best option but it's not his only one and it sure beats the hell out of lonely heats#his pining is literally bad for his health. crazyyyy
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I always find it funny when I come across posts about Wammy's House disbanding "now that Near is L" bc logically speaking that wouldn't be the case 😭 after how many of the orphanage's best died to catch ONE criminal (Kira) including L himself, they know better than ever that Near could also drop dead at any point. Even Near himself is aware of this. And then what. Who'll become the next L? Who'll save the world if not for these geniuses? This orphanage's a generational prison I fear
#◜✧ . ❪ ooc. ❫#The thought of Wammy's no longer existing bc they found a successor to L is so asdjshdsasjhd. Nawh babe that's ONE L 💔#What if the new L dies too. Let's be real why would anyone gamble on the possibility of Near dying & there being no one to replace him#Near is ironically enough more humane than Watari was but he's Logical. I doubt he'd do smth that'd jeopardize what Watari & L worked for#Plus Roger's crusty ass still exists 🙄 no way he'd allow for Watari's project to flatline at least til HE dies too. And even then.#I feel like most if not every Wammy orphan was groomed in such a way that they'd internalize the importance of this orphanage in the world#which makes sense bc if they all believe it's necessary then there's no shot that they'll ever let it get destroyed/disbanded/etc#Some I think find it important BECAUSE of its ties to L/the succession process; others because they have it sm easier to save#the world with all the connections & resources Wammy's offers them at their fingertips; and others because there are Few orgs in the world#that can handle geniuses properly. Wammy's is one such place in which geniuses can thrive (while they're still alive...) & where they're#only/mostly surrounded by other geniuses. aka they get to be sponsored in their preferred areas while ALSO being able to chat with#other geniuses who could help them via breakthroughs or even just via understanding what they say. which is rare around Regular folk#Hell TOBIAS dislikes Wammy's in general but even HE wouldn't disband it. He dgaf abt the L part but he gaf abt the Other parts of it#Plus like it or hate it Wammy's represents the only home these genius orphans have in the world 😬 none of them would take that#away from others who are like them (<-aka the future gens of genius orphans w nowhere to go). This house will exist for Many Generations
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ai rant in tags bc im so fucking tired
#came across an instagram account which used ai for animations#and this guy claimed to be an artist and i read a few of his replies to people calling him out for ai art and it made me SO ANGRY#like he said that him to his animations was less like an actor and more like a movie director like FUCK YOU MEAN#like no you didn't make that. other people made that. movie directors don't fucking plagiarise.#GRRR SO MUCH ANGER#the people talking to him were making VALID LOGICAL POINTS and he was just fobbing them off w like 'nice' replies asking for 'understanding#like FUCK OFF your heart emoji means NOTHING#worst of all i think most ai users like this know and understand what people are saying but they just ignore it bc ignoring it favours them#and the amount of people in the comments who were just like 'oh this is cool' PLS IT'S CLEARLY BLOODY FUCKING AI FUCK OFF#the worst thing about ai is that not only is it plagiarism but it's SO BAD FOR THE PLANET#idk the details but i know that it consumes so much water to function (to cool it down)#not to mention each search u do on ai takes up SO MUCH ENERGY like our planet is already fucked and with each use of ai it gets MORE FUCKED#and because our society wants things NOW and is obsessed with EFFICIENCY no once fucking cares#like we're ruining our planet using a thing we survived without perfectly fine??#like ok fine it's convenient in the short run BUT WHATEVER THAT DOESNT MATTER#ITS NOT CONVENIENT FOR OUR PLANET AT ALL#idk if we noticed but like?? WE LIVE HERE????#anyways i dmed this guy very politely asking if he'd taken into consideration the impacts of ai on the environment#i do not expect any sort of helpful response but i couldnt just sit there while this idiocy continued#obviously i cant fight every ai user in the world but i can sure as hell TRY#what is our society's obsession with new technology like we've blinded ourselves to how we're basically killing ourselves with it#like ok some people believe in ai conspiracy theories etc and obviously it's plagiarism but like?#even if you dont believe in either of those two points above it is still SO BAD for our planet#which also happens to be THE ONLY PLACE WE CAN SURVIVE IN THE WHOLE UNIVERSE#and bla bla bla elon musk will takes us to mars NO HE FUCKING WONT.#anyways if he could he'd obviously find a way to do it and milk everyone of their money#and then he'd leave 'commoners' like us to die on earth#not that i even think he'll be able to get people living on mars in his lifetime or mine anyways#space boo screams into the void#ai
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Since labotor posted the fairy race mod yesterday and I had to scramble to update the THS custom races patch bc I COMPLETELY forgot I said I'd add lab's fairy race to it I wanted to make my half-fairy half-dragon oc Itheel... and then I went and started making her hair because nothing was close enough.
I realized Isobel's hair is actually pretty close, just need to add the bangs (which currently are edited from Qelira's hair, and I got the bangs for Qelira from Gortash's hair) and the braids (from Lae'zel of course).
This is just the first in-game test; it obviously still needs some work, but the fact that everything is pretty much functioning as it should on the first test is nice. I've come a long way from spending days just trying to get the mesh to show up at all!
Now that Padme's bangs mod is out, I might also work on a version of my hair extensions mod that uses bangs & other parts from my OC hairs (because the closest we have to anime bangs in vanilla is from Ballerina Buns, which *is* in Padme's mod, and Gortash's which I'm surprised isn't in her mod). It will be a separate mod from KHE, though I'll probably call it "Kay's Hair Extensions - Custom Version". I still need to work on the helmet hair version as well (the helmet hairs are NOT autosnap, and I haven't decided how to go about dealing with it.
Also, no Qelira's outfit isn't done; editing the dye masks is proving to be a pain in the ass because for SOME reason (I think the shader has something to do with it, the bg3 equipment generator defaults to using CHAR_BASE_AlphaTest on all the textures and when I changed it to CHAR_BASE the way it interpreted the dye mask colors changed) the game can't tell the difference the primary/secondsry/teriary colors (no matter what shade of blue/purple I use, it reads as leather secondary), and like, I'll use a color channel dye to help see what color it's actually taking, and it's got separate dyes for cloth/leather/metal/other/custom, where when you dye the item Red is primary, green is secondary, blue is tertiary, and everything else is black. Well, I'll use the leather dye & some parts are green, and others are yellow???? And even aside from the color frustration, I would like for the coat to have physics but getting the waist area to cooperate is not going well. Clothing in general just seems more complex than hair ._.
#[i hear from the witches]#[and the witches they sing]#[kay's modding hell]#and since i started classes that has reduced the time & wnergy i have#*energy#i already feel like my progress has been very slow (i know logically that i'm not going slowly. but it just feels like i am)#bc my perception of time is whack. but it's definitely going to slow down further#which may be for the best. for the sake of not completely burning out
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while im looking thru my old unfinished art, happy pride month to my two gay kitties from the warriors oc fanfic i was writing back in 2017-2018. featuring skystar's boyfriend who would show up later in the fic which i never got to write far enough to feature him. lol
#art is also from 2018 .#main reason i didnt finish it is. as you can probably see. the background was a huge massive landscape thing#which i. did not have the patience nor skill for#and i guess instead of scaling it back i just . like. gave up on it LOL#brot posts#wips#sometimes i still fantasize about picking that story back up and finishing it..................#also whenever i rarely mention this guy i always have to preface it. i made this oc back in middle school like a year before#dawn of the clans even started publishing at all#and so i named him skystar all on his own i did not know of any skystar in canon#i mean logically i should have known if theres a skyclan and all clan founders were [clan-prefix]star then like.#logically there would be a skystar#but i was using fanclans and i loved the name sky- as a prefix and i also was a stickler for name rules#which included not ever ever using a clan name as a prefix#so i had fanclans and skyclan was not one of them THEREFORE sky as a prefix was free fucking reign baby#and then. as one does. i made him leader#his warrior name was skystorm though which i still think is baller#anyway and his boyfriend (on the left) is named Bluebell#former kittypet who keeps his kittypet name#largely also bc i have a pet peeve where i hate two-syllable prefixes#but as i was trying to write the fic in 2018 years after when i first made these characters in middle school#i think i was trying to workshop bluebell's name cuz i wasnt entirely thrilled with it#bluebell as a whole is not very developed bc i really havent touched him much at all since middle school#since. yknow. i never got to the point in the story where he first appears during my 2018 fic.............. lol#hell where i left off in that fic skystar is still just skypaw
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So funny how trauma will just kick you in the fucking teeth with the most random triggers.
#ra speaks#personal#watched the most recent quintin reviews vid which like yeah I went in with expectations of the content#and it’s not like I actively avoid stuff that depicts/discusses abuse I’ve been going to therapy long enough to know my most sensitive#triggers and stuff. but…idk something abt when he got to the drake bell section just set me off something fierce.#I’m all nerves and stress and self loathing/misplaced guilt from my own past bullshit#like brain can we please cool it we’ve been over this for years why you freaking the fuck out now? (I mean. logically. I know why#and how trauma works and that I’m just having emotional flashbacks but still. ugh.)#brain please be real niceys to me I have a meeting in an hour we cannot be having a panic attack.#you’re safe you’re good it wasn’t your fault etc etc can we please go back to being an adult more than a decade past all that? please???#survived my meeting so I’m gonna vent abt this a bit more bc. let’s be real.#I don’t rememember a solid 3 years of my adolescence and it fucks w me sometimes.#I remember things before 4th grade. I remember 4th grade. then bam I’m in 8th going to high school. and like#I know logistically what happened. I know emotionally I hated/was so fucking scared of [redacted] until I finally left that fucking school.#it’s just. frustrating bc if I remembered maybe I’d feel more justified letting myself get upset abt it. but I don’t so suck it up buttercup#it probably wasn’t even that bad if you don’t actually remember it so pull it together.#hell for all you know it had nothing to do with [redacted] and you were just on bad meds/depressed and forgot three solid years of your life#after meeting [redacted] <- I am not convincing myself unfortunately.
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it’s just one of those days where you wanna take up cigs
#i’m fine it’s ok school is just hell but at least studying biochem should feel more rewarding than molecular genetics#bc mol gen was all memorization (which i usually prefer but there was SO MUCH content it was impossible)#but biochem feels more like solving a puzzle#there’s more wiggle room for answers too so long as you defend with reasonable logic he gives pretty generous partial credit#so it’s not as strict of ‘right vs wrong’#plus as i’m practicing it gives me the opportunity to work with it and try and then check if i’m right#and it’s much more rewarding when i am right#compared to doing 200+ flashcards and being like yeah i guess that’s what i said#or being like oh i didn’t get that one i should review it again later#like :| nothing there no feeling of accomplishment or learning#esp when there were that many flashcards even if i got a hard process down i couldn’t even celebrate or feel proud bc ‘okay. 160 more to go’#but i still feel kinda crushed from how difficult that exam was this morning so it’s hard to get motivated to study for another exam already#but i’ve got it it’s gonna be okay
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*whips out my art history books* time to refresh my memory on ancient symbolisms
#ooc : the mortal#haven't used this knowledge in over a decade so it has atrophied#my art history teacher would be disappointed... i might start posting little things about this on my blog as a treat#bc I feel it fits this ancient being who was only distantly acquainted with the changing mentality on earth#just her presenting variois things from her vault as she gathered them from her rare earthly escapades#or gifted/sold to her by the sinners who arrived in hell over the milennia#little mermaid core right here#i think it's a very nostalgic thing to her#every new thing she got must've been such a wonderful yet bittersweet enrichment#like.. oh you made this back home? this is what's going on? how incredible! implement it here too why don't you?#decorate my realm.. which is yours by death right. make it as wonderful as the earth that served as your craddle#I'm in a romantic mood ajshsh i gotta find my balance. been dealig w too much logic lately. i gotta DREAM..
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#struggling with communicating and friendships as an autistic person is weird#bc like you do learn things over time and try to find ways to form bonds and connect but it doesn’t always hit right#after years of my feelings getting the better of me I’ve moved to stand bavk ramble to myself and analyze#which it does help me to stare at these words go over things and figure out what my issues are and where they branch from#it’s how I self improve#even though I know it’s not at a fast enough pace#I’ve been trying to work more and more lately to form bridges and step outside of my comfort zone more and reach out which to me is huge#but to others it’s below bare minimum#which is hard as hell to read and gauge#bc sometimes you do the extra work even if you can’t properly engage and there’s no progress#that’s what folks want you do to but it doesn’t always work#it doesn’t HAVE to work of course nothing does#nothing is owed from attempts to engage and talk#but after a while or even after bursts of trying with no effort you pull back to reanalyze and figure stuff out better for a next attempt#I’m sick so much and overstimmed it makes it hard to manage constant touch ins or feedback or engagement#which no one owes me anything for that obviously#it gets to the point where I’m not really#there#even when I want to be#which means I’m not really a friend#which I’m painfully aware of and wishing I could change#and maybe I’m just blind maybe I could change it and am not pushing outside of my comfort zone enough or forcing myself to engage enough#I just don’t know where to start with that because when I try manufacturinh responses it kinda gets obvious? and I hate it#I want it to feel authentic#I want it to make others feel good#but it doesn’t#it falls flat#which again that’s on me#I just wish I knew what to do to fix these aspects of my brain#it’s partly like there’s not enough analysis and logic on my end yet I know anything I calculatewill be wrong bc my brain just doesn’t work
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