#which is odd but I've reached tag limit and through such my ability to think about this further

[starpros-sunshine]

I know this makes me some sick sort of freak or whatever but the thought of this wretch dying via centrifugal vacuum laundering is so nice. I try not to indulge the sadist but this one this one felt good. This one felt really good.

[izzy-b-hands]

Once again asking my cymbalta dreams to chill the fuck out

Last night's was good? But bad because about things most would call bad? But weirdly I was very happy in the dream.

I know posting abt it on here isn't anything anyone is interested but I've spent this entire day in physical pain and/or in tears so I'm gonna take advantage of the ability to use my blog for whatever and vent post abt it.

I think I've typed enough the auto cut new thing should kick in so ppl can scroll past this. Im also gonna tw tag the fuck out of it but if I miss a tag someone needs let me know.

Technically, I think most ppl would categorize the dream as a zombie plot? Like. Literally me, a good portion of the OFMD cast including Con (mentioning him specifically because he was involved with another couple of details in this), one of my ex best friends from middle school, and some other randos were dead. Truly dead. Kept in morgue coolers in this hotel we weren't allowed to leave. It had been retrofit to be more of a house than hotel, to keep us happy and busy.

Because we woke up, every morning. No job to go to or anything, because whatever we touched or breathed on could kill and pass whatever hit us onto someone still living. So there was nothing to do but fuck around this hotel, quite literally fighting or fucking or setting shit on fire just for fun. Caretakers in hazmat and fire protection gear would come in, clean up our messes, and leave each day. Didn't so much as speak to us or even look at us.

The fucking did at one point include Con and me, which was really fucking nice if I may say without getting too TMI! But odd, because we both kept commenting on how cold we both were (because dead lmao) and that rigor mortis setting in each night and then leaving each morning meant certain body parts just didn't move as easily as before, like an arm could get stuck reaching for something. And both of us definitely wanted to like. Address why no one was actually trying to help us and was just letting all of us turn into this band of bored as fuck zombies forever, but who was there to ask? So we just had a weepy moment in the snuggling after because I think it clicked for both of us then that we'd best find ways to keep each other and everyone happy, because this wasn't going to end in any way any time soon.

Which leads to how all of us actually got back to sleep each night. You had to essentially rekill yourself. Any method, and a lot of times we took turns shooting each other to make it easier (one scene had Con and I as the last two awake at one point, so we literally had to manage to shoot each other point blank at the same time, because none of knew what might happen to us if we didn't find a way to 'sleep' but there was the implication it was worse than the current reality we were in.) That scene honestly made me cry when I woke up. Con was very kind about it even as we were both like hey this is getting kind of fucked up! Maybe someone should actually see about curing this or just finding a way to keep us dead? Because the in between thing is weird and unsettling!

Towards the end I got in trouble for handing something directly to a caretaker who unbeknownst to me had a rip in their glove. I think they achieved the only way out from the infection, because their coworkers literally yanked out axes and chopped them to bits. Then they didn't have a way to get up again, like the rest of us.

But aside from those moments of holy shit this situation is fucked up beyond belief, everyone was happy. Carefree levels of happy, so long as they weren't thinking abt the situation itself or missing family and friends. Running thru the halls like kids, fucking around and being destructive in ways most adults wouldn't ever be day to day, but we did because what did it matter? The weird fucks in suits would come in and fix it all and we could fuck it up again the next day.

We had really lovely talks and read through books together from a limited library. No one needed to eat, but we talked abt previous fave foods. We wondered why it was so quiet outside and if it was because of us being there that the town seemed abandoned, or if something else had gone on. We didn't even know what city or country we were in, for that matter.

There was one perfect scene tho that was just me and some of the rest helping each other into our little morgue slider things (whatever the fuck those are called again lmaoo) at night. Because it felt so loving and normal despite the situation. People told me good night and meant it, I meant it back, and we assuaged worries of what if we didn't wake back up in the morning this time? Would that be better or worse?

The last bit of it I remember was Con putting a blanket over me before rolling me into my drawer for the night. I felt very cared for, and couldn't help but think how it was one of the few times I hadn't wanted for overall human connection and community care. Then thought wow it's fucked up it took all of being some sort of zombie to achieve that.

I woke up after that and had a good cry over it. Part of why I keep crying today I think. I'm just really grateful everyone in it was nice to me, in the end. Since it felt really fucking unsettling real.