#this thing probably had a right to exist
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I know this makes me some sick sort of freak or whatever but the thought of this wretch dying via centrifugal vacuum laundering is so nice. I try not to indulge the sadist but this one this one felt good. This one felt really good.
#i should let it spin a bit more for good measure just in case#will I go to hell for desecrating the insects corpse?#this thing probably had a right to exist#too bad it was at the wrong place at the wrong time#too bad too bad#really such a shame#a better person might have let it live#a better person might have just felt relief at its death instead of glee#to marvel at the ''how'' instead of the plain ''that''#well worse people than me have gained absolution#I'm not religious but lets jusg ignore thaz for a sec okay this is about the melodrama of it all#partially#i do think this is a really vile character trait of mine#this habit of mine to enjoy the final struggle of poor insects i mean#but it's interesting to know that my reasoning of “kill them so they can't return and do it slowly so I can feel good about it too'' is#the same that some people use to justifiy war crimes#i know I'm reflected enough to stop i know i could just let them leave and they'd be fine outside#but i prefer them trapped under a glass for days so I can watch them whither away#why?#you know? why?#i would never do something like that with people i would never do something like that with small animals as well or reptiles or fish#although i do find it a little funny to see the fish out of water and the way they squirm#in the end i am aware thaz that is cruel and they need to either be killed fast or be thrown back into the watee#why don't i make this distinction with insects and arachnids#because I just don't care for them? I don't care much for fish or geckos either#but I'd never sit next to a street of geckos and drop rocks on them one by one#i would do that to ants#have done so. as a child but still#i guess at the end of the day i just don't see any redeeming qualities to spiders or houseflies or some of the such#which is odd but I've reached tag limit and through such my ability to think about this further
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Hello! Can do a chapter fic off this fic prompt Danny phantom x dc: https://www.tumblr.com/corkinavoid/767516270934556672/dpxdc-legal-power?source=share
This isn’t a one-to-one recreation of that dialogue but it’s based on that as a framework/premise
Batman dropped down into the room behind a pair of figures—a teenage boy and a slumped adult—letting his landing create an audible thump to alert them of his presence.
If the teen noticed, he didn’t react. Even as Bruce approached, he continued to stare impassively at the wheezing figure on the ground, an old wooden bat with flaking green paint on its side loosely held in his right hand. Bruce had already suspected who the figure would be since he arrived, but seeing the Joker so broken was still bizarre. No laughing, no schemes. He didn’t even seem to be attempting to escape his binds, just… lying there, almost as if pinned in place.
Bruce paused a step behind the teen. “I don’t know what the Joker did to you, but this isn’t the right way to go about this.”
The teen scoffed, and Bruce felt a painful lurch in his chest as he was reminded oh so strongly of his son Jason. “And what, let him go kill more people?”
“I know he deserves to face justice, but not like this. Everyone deserves a right to fair trial. No one person should be judge, jury, and executioner.”
The teen turned to look at him with glowing green eyes, and Batman felt himself freeze. He had faced gods before, yet even using that as a comparison felt like an understatement. The boy’s eyes belonged to someone far older than his teenage form implied, and they radiated power. Inevitability.
When the teen—no, the entity—spoke again, his words carried an unearthly echo. “Perhaps, but I’m not acting for just myself.” He paused, glanced down at the Joker, then asked almost conversationally, “Do you know how many people he’s killed?”
Another pause, but before Bruce could even try to answer, the entity continued, “Eight hundred and fifty-six. He’s ended the lives of eight hundred and fifty-six human souls. I can tell you about every single one, if you want. About who they were, what their dreams were before he killed them. About the pain they felt at his hands.”
He punctuated the word ‘pain’ by raising up the wooden bat in his hands and ramming its end down onto the Joker’s arm. He let out a wheeze, muffled by the gag in his mouth.
“I have a duty to my people. I am the King of the In-Between and of all the souls that pass through it—even ones whose stays were as brief as his. I am the rightful arbiter of his fate. And with that power, I sentence him to death.”
He raised the bat again, adjusting his grip so he’d hit with the side rather than the end this time, then paused and let out a chuckle. “Of course, just because it’s based on some justice doesn’t mean I can’t have a bit of fun with it too.” He swung the bat down, slamming it into the Joker’s side, then hooked it under the clown’s torso and flicked him up through the air to slam into the wall. “We all really hate this guy.”
With the entity’s attention fully turned away from him as he sauntered towards the Joker’s slumped figure, Bruce could finally unfreeze himself.
Even if the Ghost King did have the right to pass judgement on Joker, Bruce still couldn’t let torture go on like this. He wouldn’t win a direct fight, but he could hopefully at least grab the Joker and bring him over to the police. Carefully, he reached for some of the smoke bombs and batarangs on his belt and readied his grapple. He’d have to do this very, very fast.
But before he could move, another figure entered the scene. Red Hood, emerging from the shadows on the far side of the room, an unexpected bit of a pep to his step.
“Nice to see someone else who gets that that bastard needs to die. But if I may make a suggestion, how ‘bout you use a crowbar instead of that old bat? It’d be a bit more… fitting.”
#asks#prompt fill#btw about that kill count number - the dc wiki page on “Joker’s body count” said two numbers 671+ and 185+ (for different continuities?)#so i just added those two together to get a plausible-ish –feeling exact value for “671+”#danny fenton kills the joker#ghost king danny fenton#also i know Bruce is sorta the antagonist here but I’m trying my best to present him fairly#a vigilante having a code against killing people is a good thing! right to fair trial is important!#yeah the Joker probably should be executed but I don’t think Bruce is a bad person for not doing it himself#the legal system exists!! why are you asking the extrajudicial vigilante who specifically has a no-kill rule to do it??#i feel like Joker getting sentenced to death would be the “logical” end to the situation; the Joker is gone and Batman’s code is intact#(you know. were it “real life” and not a comic with the whole “we’re not gonna kill off someone that iconic!” thing)#and also him planning to step in against Danny isn’t about “the joker has to live” it’s about “torture is wrong”#he’s (cautiously) believing of the “legal right” part so if they showed the legal sentence and executed him “cleanly” he’d be fine#(obviously he supports reforming criminals but in the Joker’s case I think he’d accept a fair trial saying “death” as okay)#or in other words Batman isn’t pro-life; he’s pro-choice(-by-the-courts) (/hj)#dp x dc#dpxdc#dc x dp#dcxdp#danny phantom x dc#danny phantom x dc crossover#dpxdc the joker#dpxdc bruce wayne#dpxdc jason todd#also btw i’m sorry danny’s words are so pretentious/OOC feeling (well. at least to me they are)#it feels awkward to me too but it felt kinda necessary to match the vibe of the original thing#maybe he’s sorta sharing his thoughts with some judicial-y ghosts or etc who are influencing it#i did specifically want to imply the victims are affecting him at least a little (echoey voice + “*we* hate him”)#or maybe he’s just been King for a long while and has had time to get a bit more “kingly”
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Guys who are most likely dead in canon
#spy's disguise#spy’s disguise#tf2#tf2 engineer#tf2 spy#engiespy#practical espionage#sorry for giving 09 thicker brows and sharp teeth… had to distinguish him from the other Spies somehow#(as if the rotary cannon wasn’t enough…)#a version with Dell instead would probably make more sense with the red and blue contrast#+ they’re both annoyed of the other’s existence in canon#but alas that is not my job#also can you tell that the one on the right is newer#forgot to say that Dell’s somewhere in the back shouting things at them that I’d rather not say#s-09#nameless blu engineer#thing i made
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i think part of my problem is i lived with my best friend for two years of my life and have been searching for the same feeling of joy & acceptance & support ever since
#like I’ve sat down and had a think about it and the times I’ve felt the least lonely in the last 5+ years are when my roommates were close#friends I could pray with/laugh with/cry with/unmask with#something something you can’t keep trying to go back somewhere that doesn’t exist anymore you need to go forward#but the only way I can see myself thriving is if I can live with people/someone who feel(s) like home#and I know that can come with time and you meet new people and make new friends and settle down somewhere and slowly build yourself a life#but how do you do that without dying along the way#and I’m here in this new state and I’m trying to be content but there’s the very real possibility everything is going to change *again*#later this year and I just. I’m done I want it all to be over I want to get to find someone and commit my life to them and get to know we’r#we’re gonna figure it out together#and bitterness is so tempting right now bc unless God heals & transforms & really really surprises me#(all of which He CAN do but I just have never thought that was His desire for me); unless that happens I will probably be alone for the#rest of my life#and I can write essays on the importance of platonic friendships and how good and beautiful it is to value them but that grows weaker and#weaker the older you get the more all your friends seek marriage and find their other halves and you’re still. just. There#it’s nearly midnight and I should write a poem instead of processing in the tags of a post but really I may just go to bed#I’m so glad I have a phone call and prayer group to look forward to tomorrow#and the Bible study tonight was good <3 some things were hard about it but my soul was comforted#and I may have even more questions but at the very least right now I know God is Love#and that is the bottom line of any answer that I seek#….which I guess maybe loops back to the processing too. I know He is love I know He’s supposed to be sufficient#so what do you do when that doesn’t FEEL like enough#God I believe help my unbelief. please#elle rambles#[y]#/p
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Hellsing 2002 calendar illustration.
Ein wunderliche und erschröckliche Hystori von einem großen Wüttrich genant Dracole wayda Der do so ganz unkristenliche marrter hat angelegt die mensche, als mit spissen als auch die leut zu Tod geslyffen
A wondrous and frightening story about a great berserk called Dracula the voivode who inflicted such unchristian tortures such as with stakes and also dragged people to death
#hellsing#alucard#kouta hirano#translation was found in a comment by u/lazyfoxheart on r/Kurrent#fun fact this is the highest quality version of this image that exists online#i know because i've been looking forever for a version that's clear enough to actually read what hirano wrote under '1443'#but there weren't any so i had to take matters into my own hands#the real image on the back of the guidebook is only 2 inches tall so i had to take this with my smartphone and will my hands not to shake#anyway i'm pretty sure it's supposed to say Eğrigöz (the location vlad was imprisoned) so yeah. thank you hirano very cool#if i might rant for a sec it took me an embarrassingly long time to figure that out because i didn't have the guidebook at first#and in the images i could find online that part was just a blur that looked suspiciously like a person's signature and i was like. who tf#i was thinking matthias corvinus since he issued some political propaganda against vlad iirc but it didn't match his signature on wikipedia#then i thought it might be vlad II dracul's since he probably had to sign an agreement to send his sons over as hostages at some point#but that didnt seem right either so i kept skimming vlad's wiki page#and then i was like goddammit...hirano.....you just misspelled Eğrigöz didn't you.. ....#i maybe should've made a separate post dedicated to this instead of writing a novel in the tags but eh#the hellsing brainrot runs deep#also- i put it in the source link at the bottom of the post but the german inscription is copied off a real woodcut of vlad from 1491#except instead of depicting him as an adult hirano drew him as a child which gives the inscription a very different feel imo#the one final thing that interests me about this is the fact that hirano published this calendar in 2002#which is REALLY early in the series. like this was before volume 5 came out??#i have no idea why he decided to do a massive spoiler drop in a random piece of japan-only merch#sandwiched between a drawing of alucard as john travolta from saturday night fever and integra as a fish no less#it makes me really curious to know what the fan response to this was back then. like did people even know who this was#maybe im just an idiot and everyone back then was like 'ah yes its alucard as a 12 year old. how very informative'
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friend notoriously bad at videogames said shed play marvel rivals with me tomorrow chat if i never post after tomorrow night its because a blood vessel bursted
#marvel rivals#snap chats#AT LEAST WE’LL HAVE OUR OTHER FRIEND THERE BUT god.#she funny as hell she just suddenly called me and was like ‘i saw your twitter. do you wanna play marvel rivals tomorrow’#and then she proceeds to be like ‘wait so who do you main. other than magneto’ Motherfucker with a capital M#NO I SWEAR IM NOT A ONE TRICK i really like wanda hawkeye and jeff….#NO SHE SAID ONE MORE THING SHE WAS LIKE ‘wait are charles and magneto the same guy’ and she tries to Just Kidding her wait outta it#Note whenever she says Just Kidding she’s trying to cover her ass I PROMISE I WAS LIKE /KAYLA. BE SERIOUS./#and then she was like ‘who’s the friendlier one of the two’#and then i had to hit her with the Technically People Think Theyre Both Varying Degrees Of Asshole. however charles probably wont bite you#and THEN SHE WAS LIKE ‘ok well you should draw magneto surprising charles with jollibees’ AND I. NO SHE THINKS MY EXISTENCE SURROUNDS JB#AND THIS GAL HAD THE GAUL TO BE LIKE ‘oh do you know how to make it since its a big part of your culture’#i was flabbergasted frankly. ‘oh you guys really like jollibees so you know how to make it right’ i screamed#LIKE ????ISJAJSJSJSJ i cant stress the anomaly this girl is i wish you all could meet her so you understand me#AND LIKE SURE I LOVE JBS but she only ever mentions puto and jollibees to me like kayla. there is more to PH culture than that sjKakss#its really funny with the ??? shit she says i cant lie#she was all ‘oh is the winter soldier in the game ? you should play him hes cool :) and from jersey :) ok well his actor is but—‘ LIKE DKSKS#‘snap arent you being a little mean’ no trust and believe AND I HAVE WITNESSES#i have stupid amounts of stories with her. like she tried to excuse being dumb by sayin shes a capricorn#we’re literally both capricorns and she was born two days before me I Cannot. Do You Understand Me.#anyways. she said i should stream me playing rivals would anyone care about that#i kinda wanted to …. i think it’d be fun…. plus i miss streaming :(#ok byebye for now my bros almost home and i said id let him play so i could work on comms#i mean thats assuming he wants to play. if not uhhhhhhh#anyways BYE. ill tell yall how the game goes tomorrow night if i dont die of a stroke#again at least our other friend’ll be there so someone can laugh at my pain
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The First Spinjitzu Master as The General and The Overlord as The Nowhere King
by which i mean, a being who once was whole splitting itself in two in order to rid itself of evil, only to release a greater evil upon the world. obscuring the truth and rewriting history to paint its grave mistake as the natural order of things
#rambles#ninjago#it always irked me that FSM was The Force of Good and the Creator#i havent watched ninjago in a while but im pretty sure he didnt create shit! he did not create any realms!! he entered an inhabited realm#and made a continent or two and a few races of people#what happened to the rest of the Keepers?? why did we not know about the Merlopians sooner???? did there used to be other civilizations????#i know the real world explanation (they didnt exist yet. lol) but in the context of the series it reeks of#colonialism and historical revision#anyways yeah. i will keep this in mind as i rewatch the show#the first spinjitzu master#the overlord#centaurworld was a mess but GOD did they get that one thing SO RIGHT.#fuck#pretty sure ive had this idea for years LMFAO i just thought of it again#the geckle and munce and shintaro have probably always existed in the realm now called ninjago
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it's Harassing You o'clock so i am gonna discuss my oc some more in the tags
#really been considering misha's weird relationship with authority and how it'd present in like. his everyday life#i kiiinda feel like it wouldn't be as simple as 'if i am scared of you i bend the knee' or 'if i am scared of you i will kill you'#like i feel like for his Inevitable religious crashout. he kinda needs more nuance in this specific area#because he simultaneously fears AND idolizes the emperor. he like. Switches lol. i keep projecting my bpd on misha.#i think because the emperor like.. THEORETICALLY#he CANNOT and WILL NOT abandon or betray misha. because the Way to impress him (in misha's mind) is so straightforward? like the emperor is#a symbol. he isn't a person who particularly cares about an individual's fucked up thoughts or minor mistakes. and misha believes he is#like FAVOURED by him. has like this parasocial bond that many adepta sororitas seem to have with the guy lol#anyway. i feel like with REGULAR PEOPLE? things are getting a little fucked up for him. because he's been traumatized and betrayed and#tormented and maimed by Regular People. part of the reason he is soo Angry and willing to Pulverize—believes humans are predisposed to evil#he's not CONSCIOUSLY aware of that fact. but his misanthropy is a major factor in his character lol. always assumes he's going to be#betrayed yet often walks right into it because he is So Blinded With Hope that SOMEONE loves him and cares about him#HOWEVER he also pushes people away because he DOES NOT want to experience more betrayal or pain. like the typical borderline paradox#where you simultaneously NEED constant human contact and reassurance to function but also isolate yourself to keep yourself and others safe#i think by his like. ''game-time'' appearance he'd be very much in a 'DONT FUCKING TOUCH ME!!!' stage of his existence. makes his 'Own'#choices based on what He (emperor) tells him is right (misha is. delusional). struggles listening to authority figures like he could#when he was younger. generally just tries to keep to himself. which is a bit hard when you are in a nun mission LOL#i presume misha is working with an inquisitor or something and thus has more 'freedom' than his sisters. that's my only excuse for it akskdj#not to say he's like. some sort of rebel. he will go along with rules if it's easier and he has zero reason to Provoke you. but he is also a#moody and mentally ill freak with Anger ISSUES. thus will either be attacking YOU a heretic or himself. cannot repress his anger very well#at all LOL. it just Comes Out Of Him.#he IS a dogmatic puritan. at least for the most part. doesn't like BELIEVE IT in the sense that he GENUINELY believes it? believes it#because that's The Safest Way? Doesn't make him confront his relationship with religion and society? does that make any sense?#misha has MAJOR identity issues. he considers himself a totally empty vessel for the#emperor to enact his divine will. could not describe himself if you asked him to. not to say he DOESN'T have Traits or Qualities. he is just#hashtag bpd projection teehee..#had the Identity beaten out of him in the schola progenium <3#at least. misha believes the emperor won't abandon him. til he gets taken to commoragh and probably Loses It#anyyywayyyyyy. still fiddling around with him 👍#misha tag
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@lizardthelizard | Fake/Real
#lizardthelizard#fake/real#animatic#storyboard#solnight#my art#cw flashing#HI AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!#I KNOW IT'S EXTREMELY LATE BUT SCREW IT!!!!#THROWING IT AT YOU NOW!!!!#I KNOW this isn't entirely lore accurate given I spliced two entire scenes into one for this#But I couldn't help myself#ESPECIALLY on hearing this audio#Originally I planned something different for this gift#but remembering the existence of this animation meme audio and relistening to it again back then I couldn't resist!!#It was VERY much worth it though!!!#This was and ALWAYS will probably be my favourite scene in the fic#AT LEAST SO FAR!!#The visual the dream sequence has impacted me so bloody hard when I first read it#and even NOW I'm thinking about how it plays out#It's SUCH a good scene to picture#and I STILL intend to finish that original storyboard that I had for it but until then you'll get this little ol' thing instead >:)))#BUT THAT ASIDE!!!!!!!!#Libby my beloved!!!! I'm so glad that I got to meet you#You're such a sweet and wonderful person and so fun to talk to#I love our late night rambles few as they are right now (but that's okay life gets busy and it makes their returns all the more exciting >:#But it's also just fun to hang out with you#You're an inspiration to me both as a creator but also as an individual#And I'm so glad that even after a year you're still putting up with my nonsense FJSGHDKJRLT#Thank you for being part of my life
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most annoying thing about being me is that i cannot engage with like. any fanon shit about dennis because i'm constantly on some advanced derangement and the stuff i thought two years ago when i was first getting comfy in the fandom is still the way everyone else looks at dennis but i'm like. yes but its Worse than this. you're like a quarter of the way there. this isn't the interesting bit, this is a symptom of it, keep going.
#ada speaks#i tried reading fic. i got probably 5 minutes in and was like hm i dont think i can do this#it doesnt like. piss me off. it just also does not interest me in the least#that post going around the other day got me thinking too like fjsmbfkfkj#i think maybe macbrain often causes ppl to come to the wrong conclusions too but 🥴#like i see so many people apply the same logic that makes sense with mac to dennis and it's like whoa. wait a minute. huh??#we're doing the catholic guilt thing here with him...? you think he's got a complex with that?#you think den's been anything other than openly queer since the show began ?? jdehkbfjkherbfjh i dont know man. where are you getting that.#dennis' shit is so far removed from anything else i think you NEED to understand him in a vacuum before applying individual circumstances#ie. when trying to understand dennis' behaviour Around Mac i don't actually think it has much to do with mac at all#or at least nowhere near as much as ppl give him credit for lol#he's just. like that. he's behaving perfectly in line with himself just not. with anything else. its not that complicated really#i also don't think that he hates himself nearly as much as everyone seems to think#conversely. also nowhere near the narcissist everyone makes him out to be.#still cant get over the absolute deranged interaction i had on twitter a while back where it was like.#''dennis isnt legitimately interested in Anyone because he's too in love with himself.'' like hdksbkfngmdjshdkfjfndj LOVES HIMSELF??#first of all the SINNED system is right there and those steps and that GOAL Mean Something secondly fhkfnskjrjdkbsnsnfnfk#meanwhile i was talking about some fic concepts & hcs a while back with a friend and they were like youre straight up writing plural dennis#like. ah. yeah. victoria is an alter. somehow i've written this while being like. hm. what IS victoria to him.#these two are distinct people coexisting in this body and dennis still *exists* even after coming out and transitioning...?#but how can i even begin to talk about this when i don't agree that much of anything in canon points to this. it's like.#i dont think brian lefevre or hugh honey or his random personas are alters. its specifically victoria and a few other instances#and victoria isn't even. a thing. glenn just conveniently gave a 'canon' name to a thing i was Already conceptualizing but its? not canon#anyway golden god firefighter and victoria manager. hello. anyone. dennis and victoria co-fronting.#this is more about. IFS than DID but it's.#idgaf about the macden other ppl froth at the mouth over im inside dennis' brain poking around i find them fascinating but not like that#(there is something wrong with me)#genuinely wish i could enjoy the stuff in the tag and the stuff that showed up on my dashboard regularly this is a curse DBKSBFMF
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...😭
#i've never had a job in my own field that i've liked as much as i've liked my current one#the semester is ending soon and today i heard my contract will not be renewed bc the person i'm substituting will return to work after all#i've been feeling so tired and a bit poorly after the nokia arena show and i probably should have called in sick today#as i was absolutely useless today#and then after my only class today my students came to me with a gift?? 😭#a pink enamel moomin mug and some chocolate and a paper on which they had written nice things about me + a drawing of a dachshund 😭#and i burst to tears right there in front of them because i was so touched (and also because i'm just really really tired and emotional)#i'm so tired about having to apply for new jobs and having to start all over again#i'm so tired of having to do shitty short-notice substitutions again#i feel like i deserve better than that but on the other hand i fee like life's giving me exactly what i deserve and maybe this is it#i'm dreading the summer because idk if i'll have a job to go to in the autumn#and even if i did find something it won't be like the job i have now#also. it's may day eve and the weather's lovely#and i'm hiding in my apartment with the curtains closed so i won't see all the people going out and having fun with their friends#for me may day eve has never been like that. i've always felt so very excluded from those celebrations#on top of that i got yelled at by a bus driver and i'm the worst friend that ever existed#i'm trying to quit on whining about my sad little life but it gets so lonely#please know i'm not writing this for attention or pity. i know y'all have problems of your own and i'm just being a dramatic crybaby
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tdov was like a week ago already but I just wanna say when I came over to vacation slash help my sworn brother move flat he told me, "ever since you said you wanted to get top surgery I've been thinking about it. it's straight up number two on my bucket list"
#bakuspeech#number one is a house bc obviously. if u can own a house wouldnt u#he was very drunk at that time of the evening. I was not bc I have the constitution of a hot air balloon and any stimulant will blow me up#(relatively new development. france fucked me up big time turns out)#we held hand on his bed for like the whole evening. it was honestly very funny in hindsight but we were extremely earnest in the moment#and Im like. working on this thing as well. I dont got meds or therapy lmao Im bootstrappin here#but yeah early last year his bf offered to get me meds and I... turned it down... I think I was worried abt like. idk. something#but one year past looking back Im fully like that was a stupid move you shouldve gotten meds. youve once again fucked urself baku#but yeah with that kinda realization Ive also come to realized I've somewhat? accepted. that I'm just gonna be. like this#this in light of a number of likely chronic stuff too (hence my balloon-like constitution lmao) and#that's kinda bled into the rest of me without me really noticing#but him bringing that up fully unprompted... kinda jolted me out of it#its just. really incredibly sweet. that someone doesn't want me to settle for what I make do with#and like. preps for that work. just kinda held my hand and told me it's possible to do this actually#I didn't really express how I felt very well in that moment I think my brain is very bad and I process emotions with like a day of delay#but. well. Im thinking abt it Right Now. so yknow thats the kind of impact that had on me lol#not super sure why I wrote all this down here really. I think I just want a good n nice reminder that object permanence is real#and I exist in my friends' life even when Im going insane in a hole by myself#and with the power of friendship we can alter the universe's plan for ourselves and also kill god#that's that. anyways I eat lunch now and then pass out probably. last night was... eventful lmao#but!! very good things on the horizon hopefully. well manifestly we hold hammers and we use them#have a good day lads. let's go out and slay monsters under a highway
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guess whos not going in at all this week, actually
#MY MANAGER EMAILED LIKE 2 HOURS B4 I HAD TO GO IN#she finally changed my schedule (1 day) to the night shift today#(i emailed her to be safe just kinda casually reaffirming im going in at the new time & then asking if any other shifts wanted 2 be changed#bcs that sounds great to me whstever option she goes with#she ignored that question & i get a new email from her asking if i completed a training. lets called it DOC#basically a long time ago she said 'i will send you DOC instructions soon' .. a few days pass and i get three 50 paged packets#one is called NAVIGATING DOC#im like oh ok cool that must be the DOC training shes talking abt bcs the other 2 packets were abt various trainings#NAH BRUH. APPARENTLY THE DAY IM SUPPOSED TO GO IN. SHE MESSAGES ME SOME ENTIRELY ALIEN PROGRAM#and is like 'u completed this right? cus if u didnt u cant come in today.'#LIKE?? MAYBE I WOULDA IF U SENT THE SHIT#but it's also like. dam i shouldve emailed prompting her to send what she said she would n clarifying BUT FUCK#WHY DO I GOTTA?? IM NOT THE MANAGER#she literally told me the name of the program rn thru email so i type it in and see like four hour long modules to complete#mind u i aint never even been informed a WHISPER abt this new program. nothings even labeled DOC TRAINING#but my struggle is. was i notified this?? and i just didnt see??? was i supposed to clarify with her what the DOC training was exactly??#the only thing ive heard abt doc training b4 this is 'i need to send u DOC training soon' in EMAIL. so i expected an alert#abt THE DOC TRAINING... in an EMAIL notification. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS#idk man#i dont even care bro like im busy as hell & the work is just to build clinic hours so i dont care abt the money factor#it's just like. can we get this first day jitters thing over with already?? im so over this bro#yaddayadda i emailed her an apology n ill be on that ASAP shit. but i did let her know i am basically justnnow seeing this site#n if there was any email or notif that couldve/tried to inform me of its existence 2 pls let me know / figure out how to find it#so the issue doesnt occur again & i dont have to keep botherinher which im so srry of bcs med is stress n shes just trying to get by#but still bro im a lil miffed bcs she probably thinks im stupid now and now im wondering if i AM#bcs WDYM ONLINE MODULES. AINT NOBODY SAID SH IT EVEN ABT THE EXISTENCE OF THEM!!! i wouldve pressed harder 4 clarification#if i knew it was an ONLINE MODULE i had to look out for on some randomass site i didnt even know the name of until now#instead of the EMAIL UVE BEEN 'COMMUNICATING' WITH ME ON#ARREGHHHHHHHH IM NOT STUPID. I SWEAR IM NOT STUPID FUCCK MY BAKA LIFE
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I think about that tiktok trend where you like paint your partners eye color on your nails or make a bracelet or something with the color a lot actually
#like its so cute honestly but sometimes i wonder how hard it would actually be to like find the right color match#maybe one day... but for now probably expect oc art with this trend in it maybe 💀#the thing about it too is i have like dark eyes and idk if ive ever seen like a dark brown nail polish. beads or thread yeah but ya#oh nvm i googled. it exists i just dont pay attention ig#OH you know what i can do... i can paint pepperonis eye color on my nails.... my baby... my kitty......#dude it feels like 5 am why is it only 2#amyways. 4 monsters was a big mistake i think... i feel quite icky...#it doesnt help i didnt eat for a majority of the day it was just monster. im really unhealthy. need water maybe#wait i was talking about nail polish how did i get here#i just want to actually do cute couple things. i must heal. im gonna be so healthy.#its fine. lmao. i just know im not ready#oh i did eat btw dont worry lmao i had. chicken nuggets#i actually have to eat more bc i need to gain back some weight or they wont let me donate plasma#my extra pokemon money..... nawr...#i dropped like 10 pounds. my current job is very physical. lots of scuttling around.#i thought about working out too? i had a short phase last year in like spring or something where i started doing workout type stuff#so like.. maybe. probably should. healtly mindset shit yk#i also maybe want some more clothes. like update my wardrobe a bit. really figure out my style.#like some cool shirts and maybe pants. cause i wear a lot of the same stuff#also again. dropped weight so. need better fitting pants.....#i want more mens pants. big pockets... gender....#anyways. nice chatting with you besties. love you guys my silly little tumblr besties.#some of you that follow this sideblog have supported me on here for a while. i see you. i appreciate you. thank you 💖#genuinely there are names that pop up and im like !! hello!!! its you!!!!!#you guys probably know who you are. go get yourself a little treat you deserve it. or like. idk what you enjoy.#play a good game. watch your favorite show. idk. be happy. love yourself.#this also goes out to those of you who are more passive on my blog. i appreciate you too!! thank you!#all my little tumblr followers.... my besties..... unles you are a bot i havent cleared out lmao#k i might have to go to bed idk im tired well see
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I am once again having a sexuality crisis (read: wondering if I’m a lesbian or just have been stuck in my hometown for too long yet again and therefore haven’t seen a man who doesn’t look vaguely like a fish in years)
#here’s the problem as i understand it#i have had romantic feelings for several men and i also find quite a lot of men attractive#i don’t know if it’s just because i feel more comfortable feeling and displaying attraction to men because it’s what society expects#or if this is something that is actually genuinely coming from me#and at this point i overthink it so much i would really never know if it’s organic or not#what i DO know is i am not sexually attracted to men at all. when i’ve hooked up with men they do nothing for me#i can conjure up the perfect man in my mind; fantasise about him and nothing happens#this does not happen to me with women#i feel like i’ve been romantically attracted to way less women than men but also physically and sexually attracted to women a lot more ofte#and again — i don’t know if this is society & my own psychology messing with my sense of attraction#because obviously female nudity and sexualisation is all over the place all of the time#when i was younger i actually just thought women were objectively more attractive than men and that everyone thought that lol#i thought my friends were exaggerating when they said they wanted to kiss or have sex with men#i still to some degree think that. like it’s hard for me to imagine being enthusiastic about sex with a man#but can i imagine being in love with one? ehhhhhh… probably#see but what is the POINT if i’d never want to have sex with him? i know asexuals exist but i’m not one#i’d be setting myself up for an unsatisfying sex life#so it seems to make more sense to me to take the overall concept of dating men off the table since it’s not productive and can’t satisfy me#but then what if i fall in love with one anyway. what then. that’d be just my luck#no label ever seems to fit what i have going on with me and i don’t know if that’s because the main thing that’s going on is my head isn’t#screwed on right and i overthink and pathologise every experience i have#can’t even have a crush without wondering if i’m just doing it to get some excitement in my life#i’m not even sure any of it exists. maybe i should just declare myself aroace to give everyone else some peace#personal
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Mental health is reaching new lows rn ngl
#well it’s nothing that my intense exercise regimen can’t fix 😤#but really like I’m either going thru yet another derealization episode or am a minor inconvenience away from bursting into tears and#jumping off a cliff. and like I usually don’t even cry I cry once per season during a bad year#but literally everything and everyone pisses me off. I resent the fact that doing adult tasks takes me more effort now than it did when I#was 15. and whenever I brought up my concerns I’d get dismissed and called ‘mature#‘mature for my age’#nothing feels real and everything pisses me off#even my roommate’s mere existence pissed me off#needless to say I don’t feel very stable right now. well luckily I’m going on leave so I can finally book a therapy appointment#everything is harder as an adult. getting up in the morning is harder#talking to people without wanting to rip my eyes out from the mix of sheer boredom and the cumulative exhaustion of 20+ years of masking#is soooo much harder. I can’t fake office small talk. I just can’t. it doesn’t come out as genuine because it isn’t.#choosing what to wear is harder because I’m at the age where you’re supposed to be put together and know what you want and who you are#while I stil don’t and I’m not even close#choosing what to eat and planning it so that you buy the right things in bulk yet to spend too much to the point where you end up wasting#food. is hard.#I feel like life is like that old college meme of ‘choose one: academics social life or sleep’#*it’s actually choose two#except it’s choose one and it’s careeer success a social life hobbies a good budget#and I can only choose one. but I’m expected to do it all#and I can’t help but think that I’ll always be behind playing catch up#and like my life isn’t hard. I just genuinely hate life#and I really don’t like people. I pretend to like people but in reality I really don’t#my patience for my fellow humans is extremely thin. loved ones are on thin ice too#I should’ve done like a wilderness survival thing when I was younger because at least I’d have the option to check out of society#but I hate bugs#honestly though I don’t think my quality of life would significantly decrease if I had my basic needs met and never met a human face to face#ever again. actually my mental health would probably improve because I wouldn’t have the pressure of passing as normal and of meeting#the standards of black excellence. and in so out of touch with my peers that the chances of me having a close relationship with anyone my#age post college are extremely slim. and it wasn’t like that 2 years ago. now at times I despise socializing it confusing and draining and
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