#which is strange since tons of stuff goes on for dan))

[collegeburnoutsuperstar]

Social Distancing Book Recs

I’ve been getting tons of book recommendations from friends and family to help get through social distancing/self-quarantine, so I thought I should share some of my favorite books with everybody!

Horror/Apocalyptic: *all books are ADULT*

- The Stand by Stephen King “This is the way the world ends: with a nanosecond of computer error in a Defense Department laboratory and a million casual contacts that form the links in a chain letter of death. And here is the bleak new world of the day after: a world stripped of its institutions and emptied of 99 percent of its people. A world in which a handful of panicky survivors choose sides -- or are chosen” (Goodreads Summary).

- Inferno by Dan Brown “Harvard professor of symbology Robert Langdon awakens in an Italian hospital, disorientated and with no recollection of the past thirty-six hours, including the origin of the macabre object hidden in his belongings. With a relentless female assassin tailing them through Florence, he and his resourceful doctor, Sienna Brooks, are forced to flee. Embarking on a harrowing journey, they must unravel a series of codes, which are the work of a brilliant scientist whose obsession with the end of the world is matched only by his passion for one of the most influential masterpieces ever written, Dante Alighieri’s The Inferno” (Goodreads Summary).

- World War Z by Max Brooks “The Zombie War came unthinkably close to eradicating humanity. Max Brooks, driven by the urgency of preserving the acid-etched first-hand experiences of the survivors from those apocalyptic years, traveled across the United States of America and throughout the world, form decimated cities that once teemed with upwards of thirty million souls to the most remote and inhospitable areas of the planet. He recorded the testimony of men, women, and sometimes children who came face-to-face with the living, or at least the undead, hell of that dreadful time. World War Z is the result. Never before have we had access to a document that so powerfully conveys the depth of fear and horror, and also the ineradicable spirit of resistance, that gripped human society through the plague years” (Goodreads summary).

- It by Stephen King “It’s a small city, a place as hauntingly familiar as your own hometown. Only in Derry the haunting is real... They were seven teenagers when they first stumbled upon the horror. Now they are grown-up men and women who have gone out into the big world to gain success and happiness. But none of them can withstand the force that has drawn them back to Derry to face the nightmare without an end, and the evil without a name” (Goodreads summary).

- The Shining by Stephen King “Jack Torrance’s new job at the Overlook Hotel is the perfect chance for a fresh start. As the off-season caretaker at the atmospheric old hotel, he’ll have plenty of time to spend reconnecting with his family and working on his writing. But as the harsh winter weather sets in, the idyllic locations feels ever more remote... and more sinister. And the only one to notice the strange and terrible forces gathering around the Overlook is Danny Torrance, a uniquely gifted five-year-old” (Goodreads summary).

- House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski “[House of Leaves] focuses on a young family that moves into a small home on Ash Tree Lane where they discover something is terribly wrong: their house is bigger on the inside than it is on the outside. Of course, neither Pulitzer Prize-winning photojournalist Will Navidson nor his companion Karen Green was prepared to face the consequences of the impossibility, until the day their two little children wandered off and their voices eerily began to return another story -- of creature darkness, of an ever-growing abyss behind a closet door, and of the unholy growl which soon enough would tear through their walls and consume all their dreams” (Goodreads summary).

Comedy:

- Good Omens by Neil Gaimen and Terry Pratchett “People have been predicting the end of the world almost from its very beginning, so it’s only natural to be skeptical when a new date is set for Judgement Day. But what if, for once, the predictions are right, and the apocalypse really is due to arrive next Saturday, just after tea? You could spend the time left drowning your sorrows, giving away all your possessions in preparation for the rapture, or laughing it off as (hopefully) just another hoax. Or you could just try to do something about it. It’s a predicament that Aziraphale, a somewhat fussy angel, and Crowley, a fast-living demon now finds themselves in. They’ve been living amongst Earth’s mortals since The Beginning and, truth be told, have grown rather fond of the lifestyle and, in all honesty, are not actually looking forward to the coming Apocalypse. And then there’s the small matter that someone appears to have misplaced the Antichrist... “ (Goodreads summary).

- Dad Is Fat by Jim Gaffigan *PG-13* Dad is Fat is a comedic memoir that details Jim Gaffigan’s life growing up in a large Catholic family to his experiences as a husband and father (specifically parenting his five young children while living in a tiny walk-up apartment in New York). I highly recommend the audiobook (which is narrated by Jim Gaffigan), my family and I always listen to it during road trips. It never stops being funny. 

- Bored of the Rings: A Parody of J.R.R. Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings by The Harvard Lampoon *ADULT* “A quest, a war, a ring that would be grounds for calling any wedding off, a king without a kingdom, and a little, furry ‘hero’ named Frito, ready -- or maybe just forced by the wizard of Goodgulf-- to undertake the one mission which can save Lower Middle Earth from enslavement by the evil Sorhed… Luscious Elfmaidens, a roller-skating dragon, ugly plants that can soul-kiss the unwary to death-- these are just some of the ingredients in the wildest, wackiest, most irreverent excursion into fantasy realms that anyone has ever dared to undertake” (Goodreads summary).

Middle-Grade:

- Percy Jackson and the Olympians series by Rick Riordan (book 1: The Lightning Thief) “Percy Jackson is a good kid, but he can’t seem to focus on his schoolwork or control his temper. And lately, being away at boarding school is only getting worse - Percy could have sworn his pre-algebra teacher turned into a monster and tried to kill him. When Percy’s mom finds out, she knows it’s time that he knew the truth about where he came from, and that he go to the one place he’ll be safe. She sends Percy to Camp Half Blood, a summer camp for demigods. Soon a mystery unfolds and together with his friends-- one a satyr and the other the demigod daughter of Athena-- Percy sets out on a quest across the United States to reach the gates of the Underworld and prevent a catastrophic war between the gods” (Goodreads summary).

- The Heroes of Olympus series by Rick Riordan (book 1: The Lost Hero) “Jason has a problem. He doesn’t remember anything before waking up in a bus full of kids on a field trip. Apparently he has a girlfriend named Piper, and a best friend named Leo. They’re all students at a boarding school for ‘bad kids.’ What id Jason do to end up here? And where is here, exactly? Piper has a secret. Her father has been missing for three days, ever since she had that terrifying nightmare about his being in trouble. Piper doesn’t understand her dream, or why her boyfriend suddenly doesn’t recognize her. When a freak storm hits during the school trip, unleashing strange creatures and whisking her, Jason, and Leo away to someplace called Camp Half-Blood, she has a feeling she’s going to find out. Leo has a way with tools. When he sees his cabin at Camp Half-Blood, filled with power tools and machine parts, he feels right at home. But there’s weird stuff, too-- like the curse everyone keeps talking about, and some camper who’s gone missing. Weirdest of all, his bunkmates insist that each of them--including Leo-- is related to a god. Does this have anything to do with Jason’s amnesia, or the fact that Leo keeps seeing ghosts?” (Goodreads summary)

- The Children of the Red King series by Jenny Nimmo (book 1: Midnight for Charlie Bone) “Charlie Bone has a special gift-- he can hear people in photographs talking! The fabulous powers of the Red King were passed down through his descendants, after turning up quite unexpectedly, in someone who had no idea where they came from. This is what happened to Charlie Bone, and to some of the children he met behind the grim, gray walls of Bloor’s Academy. His scheming aunts decide to send him to Bloor’s Academy, a school for geniuses where he uses his grifts to discover the truth despite all the dangers that lie ahead” (Goodreads summary).

- Things Not Seen by Andrew Clements “Bobby Phillips is an average fifteen-year-old boy. Until the morning he wakes up and can’t see himself in the mirror. Not blind, not dreaming. Bobby is just plain invisible... There doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to Bobby’s new conditions; even his dad the physicist can’t figure it out. For Bobby that means no school, no friends, no life. He’s a missing person” (Goodreads summary).

Science Fiction:

- Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? by Philip K. Dick *Adult*  “It was January 2021, and Rick Deckard had a license to kill. Somewhere among the hordes of humans out there, lurked several rogue androids. Deckard’s assignment-- find them and then... ‘retire’ them. Trouble was, the androids all looked exactly like humans, and they didn’t want to be found!” (Goodreads summary).

- Jurassic Park by Michael Crichton * Suitable for Young Adults* “An astonishing technique for recovering and cloning dinosaur DNA has been discovered. Now humankind’s most thrilling fantasies have come true. Creatures extinct for eons roam Jurassic Park with their awesome presence and profound mystery, and all the world can visit them-- for a price. Until something goes wrong...” (Goodreads summary). 

Fantasy:

- The Magicians trilogy by Lev Grossman *ADULT* (book 1: The Magicians) “Quentin Coldwater is brilliant but miserable. A senior in high school, he’s still secretly preoccupied with a series of fantasy novels he read as a child, set in a magical land called Fillory. Imagine his surprise when he finds himself unexpectedly admitted to a very secret, very exclusive college of magic in upstate New York, where he receives a thorough and rigorous education in the craft of modern sorcery. He also discovers all the other things people learn in college: friendship, love, sex, booze, and boredom. Something is missing, though. Magic doesn’t bring Quentin the happiness and adventure he dreamed it would. After graduation he and his friends make a stunning discovery: Fillory is real. But the land of Quentin’s fantasies turns out to be much darker and more dangerous than he could have imagined. His childhood dream becomes a nightmare with a shocking truth at its heart” (Goodreads summary).

- The Raven Cycle by Maggie Stiefvater *YA* (book 1: The Raven Boys) “What do you know about Welsh kings?” This incredibly atmospheric story centers on a seemingly random group of teens as they uncover the mysterious and magical secrets of their small Virginia town.

- A Darker Shade of Magic by V.E. Schwab *Suitable for Young Adults* “Kell is one of the last Antari-- magicians with a rare, coveted ability to travel between parallel Londons; Red, Grey, White, and, once upon a time, Black. Kell was raised in Arnes-- Red London-- and officially serves the Maresh Empire as an ambassador, traveling between the frequent bloody regime changes in White London and the court of George III  in the dullest of Londons, the one without any magic left to see. Unofficially, Kell is a smuggler, servicing people willing to pay for even the smallest glimpses of a world they’ll never see. After an exchange goes awry, Kell escapes to Grey London and runs into Delilah Bard, a cut-purse with lofty aspirations. She first robs him, then saves him from a deadly enemy, and finally forces Kell to spirit her to another world for a proper adventure. Now perilous magic is afoot, and treacher lurks at every turn. To save all of the worlds, they’ll first need to stay alive” (Goodreads summary).

- The Lord of the Rings trilogy by J.R.R. Tolkien *Suitable for middle-grade through adult* “In ancient times the Rings of Power were crafted by the Elven-smiths, and Sauron, the Dark Lord. forged the One Ring, filling it with his own power so that he could rule all others. But the One Ring was taken form him, and though he sought it throughout Middle-earth, it remained lost to him. After many ages it fell by chance into the hands of the hobbit Bilbo Baggins. When Bilbo reached his eleventy-first birthday he disappeared, bequeathing to his young cousin Frodo the Ruling Ring and a perilous quest: to journey across Middle-earth, deep into the shadow of the Dark Lord, and destroy the Ring by casting it into the Cracks of Doom” (Goodreads summary).

- The Name of the Wind by Patrick Rothfuss *Adult* “Told in Kvothe’s own voice, this is the tale of the magically gifted young man who grows to be the most notorious wizard his world has ever seen. The intimate narrative of his childhood in a troupe of traveling players, his years spent as a near-feral orphan in a crime-ridden city, his daringly brazen yet successful bit to enter a legendary school of magic, and his life as a fugitive, and his life as a fugitive after the murder of a king form a gripping coming-of-age story” (Goodreads summary).

- The Lies of Locke Lamora by Scott Lynch *Adult* “An orphan’s life is harsh-- and often short-- in the mysterious island city of Camorr. But youge Locke Lamora dodges death and slavery, becoming a thief under the tutelage of a gifted con artist. As leader of the band of light-fingered brothers known as the Gentleman Bastards, Loke is soon infamous, fooling even the underworld’s most feared ruler. But in the shadows lurks someone still more ambitious and deadly. Faced with a bloody coup that threatens to destroy everyone and everything that holds meaning in his mercenary life, Locke vows to beat the enemy at his own brutal game-- or die trying” (Goodreads summary).

Fiction:

- The Stephanie Plum series by Janet Evanovich *ADULT mystery-thrillers/romance* (book 1: One for the Money) “You’ve lost your job as a department store lingerie buyer, your car’s been repossessed, and most of your furniture and small appliances have been sold off to pay last month’s rent. Now the rent is due again. And you live in New Jersey. What do you do? If you’re Stephanie Plum, you become a bounty hunter. But not just a nickel-and-dime bounty hunter; you go after the big money. That means a cop gone bad. And not just any cop. She goes after Joe Morelli, a disgraced former vice cop who is also the man who took Stephanie’s virginity at age 16 and the wrote details on a bathroom wall. With pride and rent money on the line, Plum plunges headlong into her first case, one that pits her against ruthless adversaries - people who’d rather kill than lose” (Goodreads summary).

- The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown *Adult* “While in Paris, Harvard symbologist Robert Langdon is awakened by a phone call in the dead of the night. The elderly curator of the Louvre has been murdered inside the museum, his body covered in baffling symbols. As Langdon and gifted French cryptologist Sophie Neveu sort through the bizarre riddles, they are stunned to discover a trail of clues hidden in the works of Leonardo da Vinci-- clues visible for all to see and yet ingeniously disguised by the painter. Even more startling, the late curator was involved in the Priory of Sion-- a secret society whose members included Sir Isaac Newton, Victory Hugo, and Da Vici-- and he guarded a breathtaking historical secret. Unless Landon and Neveu can decipher the labyrinthine puzzle-- while avoiding the faceless adversary who shadows their every move-- the explosive, ancient truth will be lost forever” (Goodreads summary).

- Sherlock Holmes by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle *Adult* Sherlock Holmes stories are always fun when stuck at home.

- 11/22/63 by Stephen King *Adult* “Life can turn on a dime-- or stumble into the extraordinary, as it does for Jake Epping, a high school English teacher in Lisbon Falls, Maine. While grading essays by his GED students, Jake reads a gruesome, enthralling piece penned by janitor Harry Dunning: fifty years ago, Harry somehow survived his father’s sledgehammer slaughter of his entire family, Jake is blown away... but an even more bizarre secret comes to light when Jake’s friend Al, owner of the local diner, enlists Jake to take over the mission that has become his obsession-- to prevent the Kennedy assassination. How? By stepping through a portal in the diner’s storeroom, and into the ear of Ike and Elvis, or big American cars, sock hops, and cigarette smoke... Finding himself in warmhearted Jodie, Texas, Jake begins a new life. But all turns in the road lead to a troubled loner named Lee Harvey Oswald. The course of history is about to be rewritten... and become heart-stoppingly suspenseful” (Goodreads summary).

Non-Fiction:

- The Men Who Stare at Goats by Jon Ronson *Adult* “In 1979 a secret unit was established by the most gifted minds within the U.S. Army. Defying all known accepted military practice-- and indeed, the laws of physics-- they believed that a soldier could adopt a cloak of invisibility, pass cleanly through walls, and, perhaps most chillingly, kill goats just by staring at them. Entrusted with defending America from all known adversaries, they were the First Earth Battalion. And they really weren’t joking. What’s more, they’re back and fighting the War on Terror. With firsthand access to the leading players in the story, Ronson traces the evolution of these bizarre activities over the past three decades and shows how they are alive today within the U.S. Department of Homeland Security and in postwar Iraq. Why are they blasting Iraqi prisoners of war with the theme tune to Barney the Purple Dinosaur? Why have 100 debleated goats been secretly placed inside the Special Forces Command Center at Fort Bragg, North Carolina? How was the U.S. military associated with the mysterious mass suicide of a strange cult form San Diego? The Men Who Stare at Goats answers these and many more questions” (Goodreads summary).

- Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert *Adult* (I recommend listening to the audiobook, which is narrated by Elizabeth Gilbert) “To recover from [an early midlife crisis, divorce, and depression], Gilbert took a radical step. In order to give herself the time and space to find out who she really was and what she really wanted, she got rid of her belongings, quit her job, and undertook a yearlong journey around the world-- all alone. Eat, Pray, Love is the absorbing chronicle of that year. Her aim was to visit three places where she could examine one aspect of her own nature set against the backdrop of a culture that has traditionally done that one thing very well. In Rome, she studied the art of pleasure, learning to speak Italian and gaining the twenty-three happiest pounds of her life. India was for the art of devotion, and with the help of a native guru and a surprisingly wise cowboy from Texas, she embarked on four uninterrupted months of spiritual exploration. In Bali, she studied the art of balance between worldly enjoyment and divine transcendence. She became the pupil of an elderly medicine man and also fell in love the best way-- unexpectedly” (Goodreads summary).

[queerofcups]

By the amount of fic I read and how bad my memory is I'm still not surprised that I remember exactly what happens in your fic a superstar, a year on and I'm still so intrigued as to what would've happened next it was so good and such an interesting take on kid fic ugh your mind blows me away with your creativity and conception of plot

oh wow, a superstar! barring something truly unexpected that’s gonna be a forever WIP, so here anon, is what happens next along with a shit ton of backstory

Backstory / Outline

Dan’s been an au pair since he was 20. He’s only had a few families (because he’s so good and they love him) who all swear by him. Families who can afford nannies are, by nature of the job, usually wealthy. Families that can afford an au pair, particularly one of his rate and reputation, are usually quite wealthy. He hasn’t broken into the big Old Money leagues quite yet, but he finds the nouveau riche to be a little more flexible as far as Dan’s style and general deportment. 

Of course, working primarily with new money means he’s often working with celebrities. They’re British, so the celebrity culture isn’t nearly as rabid as it is in America. 

But he does have a respectable stack of clippings from gossip mags that have identified him as someone’s mysterious new lover or piece on the side. 

He doesn’t blink at Bryony’s assignment of one last job: Phil Lester. 

Lester’s been making a comeback in the last couple of years, rebuilding his cultural cache after a few years outside of the spotlight. Bryony swears it's a short job, nothing like the last years-long job he just wrapped up. 

Dan’s loathe to admit it, but part of the reason he’s hesitant to take on another job, other than wanting a career change, is that leaving families wears on him. 

He’s not that breed of caretaker who can separate himself from his families. Some of these kids he’s watched grow from little lumps of cute into real humans with opinions and preferences and it can be hard to let go. 

Which is why, when he meets Sophia, he knows he’s screwed because she’s a firecracker of a kid and he falls a little in love with her as soon as they meet. 

Note: Sophie’s real first name is Manon

Dan’s bi and ends up helping Phil work through some of his own stuff about being pretty much gay, but having been in love with Margaux

He’s got depression and a touch of anxiety and explains those to Sophia at some point. 

He knows he’s in when he realizes he’s been looking up tutorials for styling curly hair online. 

Phil

Former youtuber that won a contest to be on a couple episodes of some failing TV show & became a dark horse who ends up getting picked up for a few other shows and eventually (shortly) makes the jump to film. 

The industry falls all over themselves to talk about how -nice- he is, how -polite-

It's untreated anxiety that leaves him bordering on panic attacks at every red carpet debut but he never says that. 

It gets worse after he’s caught coming out of a gay bar, mouth still attached to some boy

It's not exactly homophobia that drives him out. People are kind and don’t say anything to his face. 

But suddenly they want to know things. 

How long has he known?

What's his type?

They want him to be a role model and he just wants to live

It's an easy decision. It's so easy to walk away he almost feels guilty. He loves acting, so much it surprised him when he first started, but he knows he can’t stop doing it. 

So he stops taking roles. He doesn’t sign any new contracts. He nods and smiles when people tell him he’s making a mistake and he pickets his last checks. 

He doesn't go far,  just moves to a smaller apartment in London, in a less ritzy area and waitings until people stop trying to follow him home. 

It's not a meltdown, no matter what The Sun (?) says. The fame just starts to feel like a cold hand around his throat and he gets out before it starts to squeeze. 

There are people who understand and they’re proud of him. That feels awkward too, but nothing like the gaze of the public. 

He can eventually go back to school, for video editing, and he has a few things with guys that are short term. 

Which is fine. He’s young enough that he’s allowed to be restless and a little freewheeling. 

Margaux is...was...is a shock to his system. 

She’s a second generation French-American who moved to London so she can be boring in peace. 

(She’s French & Creole specifically. Sophia’s legal name is Manon Sophia Ange Siméon Lester. Obviously she only goes by Sophia Lester for the most part. Her maternal relatives aren’t pleased with that)

Margaux’s family was small when they met and only got smaller over the years they knew each other until it feels like it's just them and Sophia. 

The thing is, Phil never called himself gay. The press did. 

But he would now. Because he knows that there won’t be other women after Margaux. He knows it's unhealthy, but it's better than deciding there will never be anyone else at all. 

They were friends. They’d never called themselves anything more than that--not before Sophia and not after. 

Sophia is nearly seven with Margaux goes on the trip. They’d lived together on and off, so it's nothing strange for her to be with Phil rather than one of her two remaining maternal grandmothers. 

Phil is Sophia’s father, legally, biologically, all the way. But he sometimes feels like the most out of place person in her life. He doesn't know how to express to Sophia how much he loved Margaux while still being a mostly-gay man. 

Phil’s weirdness about bisexuality (his own and the very idea) is a sticking point between him and Dan

Sophia knows and doesn’t particularly get why the delineation matters. All she knows is her Dad sometimes acts unsure of his own Dadness. 

Margaux dies because of a head injury. She’d gone on an extended vacation with friends and gone bike riding without a helmet and fell. The friends took her to a clinic and she’d gotten a bandage for the scrapes to her forehead, a scolding and a clean bill of health. She’d skyped with them that night and made jokes about ruining her moneymaker. In the morning, she was gone. 

People in Phil’s life, his relatives and former friends, characterize Margaux as a funny little deviation that would have just faded into a fun story if not for Sophia. Phil doesn’t argue, because he doesn’t want to upset things)

Dan realizing that Phil loved her is a moment of breaking through Phil’s shiny veneer of untouchable politeness)

When Phil decided to start acting again, he’s not expecting things to progress as quickly as they do. He knows that people were impressed with him when he was younger. He’s shocked to hear words like “critically acclaimed” get thrown around. He was just a kid escaping into the lives of people who had bigger problems than him. 

But he reaches out, because he misses it and he’s tired of being a not-widower, hanting everywhere he goes, and the roles come. 

And the gaze comes with them. There are small things. A c-plot role, a secondary character. A lead role from a smaller studio. And then a big break comes across his desk. It's a middling role, but everyone that gets top billing comes with an Academy Award attached. And there are explosions in the script. The kind that mean a summer blockbuster. He takes it, and suddenly, he’s on the edges of spotlight again. 

Phil knows what he looks like. Internet star turned film star who goes gay, disappears for a few years, then returns, unpartnered with a brown, French speaking, half-American (half black America) pre-teen in tow. He looks like a ton of clicks, maybe a record number of copies sold.

Soph is 11. 

He takes the role and calls Bryony directly, because there’s no way he can do this alone. 

Part One: Meeting

Dan’s finishing up his first month back home after leaving a family. He’s got scripts on his desk--good, meaty roles that have him thinking he might not take another family on, yet. 

Bryony calls, which is interesting. She’s the head of the agency & they’re friendly but not on phone call terms. 

She offers him the job. He initially refuses. She admits it's a personal favor kind of job, and temporary and she wants her best on it. 

Dan agrees to a chemistry meeting. 

They meet up, Sophia charms dan and he still says no. 

She comes with a short term nanny because her dad’s running late. 

Phil shows up & Dan’s jaw clenches because PHil’s the kind of rung-jumping acting success story that Dan’ resents. 

So he’s sarcastic and a little cross because he hates that and the choir boy facade Phil puts on

Maybe he makes a euthanasia joke? Or something about an uncaring universe that goes over Sophia’s head. 

Except Phil laughs and doesn't glanced nervously at Sophia the way parents do sometimes when dan gets a little dark. 

Phil finally sends Sophia off to buy a cupcake so he can be alone and upfront with Dan. 

He explains that it won’t be a long term job, just the 9 months he needs to be in America to shoot and then Dan is free. 

“This is just the first time we’ve done this,” Phil says, watching Sophia through the window. “And I want to give Soph the best. She deserves the best. Better than that.”

And Dan’s a goner. He’s still a businessman, so he asks for time to consider and sends his terms of employment to the agency’s lawyer. But he knows he’s going to do it. He makes a mental note to look up a list of tutors if they don’t already have one hired. 

Part 2: Getting to Know Each Other

Dan makes the assumption that Sophia is adopted & Phil awkwardly corrects him--this is the beginning of their conflict over the word bisexual. 

Phil’s never had an au pair, so he’s uncomfortable with how *there* Dan suddenly is. He doesn’t move into their London flat because there’s not room for him but they start preparing for the move & he’s got experience in ordering houses for that, more than Phil does. 

They don’t have any other staff. Sophia will get a tutor in America, but she’s finishing her year in school & Phil lives well within his means, small flat, they cook for themselves and the cleaning lady visits once a week. Dan’s the only one there all the time & despite all his years of experience, he feels invasive. But he also gets to see how close Phil and Sophia are, including watching them do “homework” together, Sophia doing equations & Phil running lines. 

They go to America. Phil’s one movie has turned into parts in three movies. In one he’s playing a semi-serious playboy villain who was once the husband of the (superhero) lead. In another, he’s a professor/mentor in a teen dramedy. In the last one, the blockbuster/oscar bait, he’s playing a man whose life is ruined by the rise of the regime the main cast is fighting. Dan thinks the last one is the only one that sounds interesting. But he’s impressed with Phil’s handling of learning all the scripts. They’re surprisingly disparate characters. The playboy is, at his core, a sleaze that covers himself in a fine patina of British politeness. The professor is clearly meant to be someone whose awkwardness translates into the kind of cool kids would find appealing & Phil manages to strike the balance gamely. And the last one is...it's Oscar bait and even though Phil’s part isn’t big enough to get him supporting actor billing Dan can see him prepare to give a career-changing, maybe even life changing performance. 

The first two he practices in front of them. Dan gets sick of the lines, finds himself muttering them along with Phil as he makes Sophie’s snacks. 

The other one, only Dan sees. 

He doesn’t at first. For a while Phil locks himself away in his room and Dan can only hear the muffled yelling of a one sided argument. 

But one night he’s sitting, looking out over the city, thinking about going to bed when Phil comes out and asks him, sheepishly, if he’ll listen and tell Phil if he sounds wooden. 

Dan agrees and they sit at the kitchen table. Phil takes a long, steady breath and suddenly there are tears. He holds his head just slightly higher, proudly, and there’s suddenly a stoney archness Dan’s never seen on him before. 

“And so that’s it,” Phil says, his voice cold, closed off and defeated. “Eleven years and you hand me over to your precious leader.”“Josiah,” Dan says, looking at the script. “You have to understand. I had no choice--”“Coward,” Phil says. It's a simple word but still feels like it pierces Dan’s core.“My darling,” Dan says. “Please.”Phil stands. Dan watches him. “Remember that.” He stalks around the table, his eyes still shining with tears. “When I am on my knees, begging for life, when they’ve made you my executioner.”He steps closer, standing a hair too close to Dan, and says, anguished, “Remember that I was once your darling. Your beloved. Your love.”Dan is rapt, waiting for the next line, but Phil clears his throat and takes a step back. “And then they kiss and Josiah leaves,” Phil says, suddenly back in his own body and self. “What d’you think?”“Wow,” Dan says, hoping his face isn’t betraying his surprise that Phil can actually, really act. “Um. It’s good. Your movements could be a little smoother. They were together, right? So Josiah should be used to getting in--what’s her name?”“His,” Phil says, settling back into his kitchen chair. “Theodore. Theo.”“Woah,” Dan says before he thinks better of it. “You’re playing gay?”Phil quirks an eyebrow, “It's not really...playing?”Dan waves a hand, “Obviously. But that’s a big choice, role-wise. You aren’t afraid they’ll just see you as the gay one?”Phil stares at him, brows furrowed until Dan mouths, “What?”“You do know...about me, right? How my career got started? And why I stopped? I’m already the gay one.”“But you have a choice. I’m not saying you should change your mind. The film industries closet shit is bullshit. But you have a choice.”“Dan. I know. And the choice is what I get to be private about.  An actor--a celebrity who isn’t trying to walk back their youthful indiscretion is way more interesting than a mostly gay man with a kid and a dead...Margaux.”Dan feels...so many things. “You can’t hide Sophie. She’s your kid.”“I’m not hiding her,” Phil says, and Dan knows immediately that this isn’t the first time Phil’s heard this exact argument. “I’m protecting her.”

Dan keeps agreeing to run lines with Phil. He never asks for the script, so he learns Josiah through Phil, the early scenes where he’s playful, teasingly sensual, his deteriorating life and mental state and the way he dies. 

They don't run those lines when Sophie is home. It's understandable. It's unsettling for Dan, an adult who understands the depths you can get to while acting, to watch Phil muss himself up and drop unceremoniously to his knees, hands clasped behind himself. It's a short scene & Dan knows the public will be outraged with the scene. But every time he reads his own lines, a choked, delicate line of “I have to.”Phil nails it with workman’s precision everytime, He looks slightly past Dan, huffs a soft broken laugh and says, so quiet and tender, so full of betrayal. “You’ll never forget this day, Theo.” Dan doesn’t know what happens in the rest of the movie, but he’d pay the price of admission to watch Phil say that sentence.He’s been convinced, won over, sold & transported.

The fic doesn't end after they hook up for the first time, follows them through figuring out that this can’t be a one time thing and they both want this to last. Phil encouraging Dan to take on acting and not just because they can’t be together publicly while Dan is Sophie’s au pair. 

Ending of the fic is Sophie and Dan hanging out at the Oscars (or BAFTAs?) waiting for Phil to come out of the bathroom. It's a few years later (enough years that Dan should probably be freaked out about how many of the actresses he and Soph agree are super hot) and Phil’s up for an Oscar for best supporting actor. 

*At some point they get drunk together (after some terrible award show?) and talk about their first and best times with men and Dan accidentally dirty talks to Phil because he’s drunk and reminiscing about some truly outstanding cock he’s had in his day.

[mswyrr]

Maze’s comment was… distracting. Chloe put off thinking about it while at work, managing to get through the rest of her day and back home before her mind went into relax mode and Maze’s words came tumbling through the barrier she’d erected in her mind. He loves that, she’d said, about Lucifer taking orders. He loves that.

Chloe shuddered again, though for an entirely different reason. She had no reason to believe her, but somehow it just felt… right. Dan had joked a bit about him liking it when she gave him orders in bed, but nothing serious. And it wasn’t as though she was into that lifestyle. She’d seen enough weirdos living in L.A. to put her off dipping her toe into any sort of established practice or scene. Though she’d been curious enough to google a little, most of what came up on the search engine had her slamming her laptop shut.

And yet.

Lucifer was probably into all sorts of stuff. Stuff she’d be far too self-conscious to even look at, let alone try. They were probably completely incompatible.

And yet.

That evening she crawled into bed, fingers itching. Lucifer was probably down at his club, doing the mingling thing so long as he felt up to it.

You know, it wouldn’t be so strange for her to check up on him. Since he had been her patient. And it had been a couple of days. She had a responsibility to the man. She’d been so concerned with Herrera earlier that she’d forgotten to ask.

She snatched her phone and flipped onto her back. Her knees rose up of their own accord beneath the covers, sliding together as she waited. Every ring ramped up her anxiety more and more, sending jolts of nervous pleasure down her spine.

There’s a lot of ways to interpret the canon (vanilla, femdom, switch, even mandom, though I am really really not into that - I like their dynamic because it has no *required* feeling of male dominance to it for me - to each their own, though). And I actually tend to disagree with the interpretation of Chloe in the handful of femdom fics because writers assume she’s experienced?

I get that that makes for fun porn and, hey, no judgment.

But a ton of women with actual dominant desires can go their entire lives without exploring that, given the intense social stigma and the structuring of the default m/f script in particular. I’ve heard female doms who thought they were subs because they had kinky feelings and the social programming was so intense they thought: well, if I’m a woman and I’m kinky I must want to sub.

There’s a lot of complicated gender roles and self-definition stuff involved. And there’s real danger and social stigma too.

With Chloe being so much about keeping her nose clean and being responsible and controlled, I think she’s barely experienced sexually beyond her ex-husband in general, and that certainly until she started feeling compelled by Lucifer she was keeping any kinky feelings locked up tight. I see her long suppressed potential kinkiness as another part of the things about herself she fears that her attraction to him allows her to start getting in touch with.

Like, I think they’re prioritizing the grand romance where you grow by loving someone who represents things you need to connect with thing and not interested in telling specifically a story about Chloe realizing she’s kinky. But I think that her realizing that would fit within the canonical “pattern” they have for her, which I talk about here.

It’s complicated because the writing--esp in S3--gets tangled up in his pov and we don’t get as much of that sense of her side of things sometimes, unfortunately, more what she represents to him... but I think it’s definitely there to be read and makes a coherent whole.

Sometimes the missteps make me wonder if they are consciously doing a lot of this stuff, which makes me worried... no way to tell except to see how S4 goes, though, really. S3 could be a fluke or not.

Anyway, this fic was a dream come true, because this is exactly how I see dommy!Chloe. Precious bb dom babe in the woods thunderstruck by a saucy, unspeakably sweet, eyeliner wearing switch and, for the first time in her life, actually feeling safe enough with a guy to maybe explore that yearning, warm, tangled ball of feelings she’s been shoving down and locking away her entire life.

[truthbeetoldmedia]

Brooklyn Nine-Nine 6x11 “The Therapist” Review

Since Season 1, Jake’s refusal to go to therapy (and even outright dismissal of the validity of therapy), despite the obvious lingering issues he has from being abandoned by his father as a kid, has been a recurring theme. In “The Therapist”, all of this finally comes to a head, as Jake comes to terms with why he’s been so resistant to receiving help for some of his past trauma.

For the most part, this episode handles the topic of mental health well; both Terry and Charles talk about how they regularly go to therapy, and Terry is astounded that Jake has never sought out a therapist after everything he’s been through. (To recap: Terry brings up how Jake was shot by Amy, held at gunpoint and forced to write his own suicide note by his ex-girlfriend’s ex-boss, sent to prison for a crime he didn’t commit, and joined and gang and tried meth while at said prison. And that’s not even mentioning the time Jake spent in the mafia, or in witpro in Florida, or all the other traumatic stuff he’s exposed to just by being a cop.)

And although the episode does talk mental health — something EP Dan Goor promised they would do if the right opportunity presented itself — it’s not even the primary focus; the episode’s main plot revolves around a potential murder, after a therapist, Dr. William Tate calls in to say one of his patients, Susan Buckley has gone missing, and he’s worried her husband killed her after he received a worrying call from him.

Susan’s husband, James, mentioned doing something horrible to his wife in a park so that’s where Jake and Charles head, with Dr. Tate in tow. Jake’s hostility towards therapists is on display right from the start, as he compares the doctor to Hannibal and reacts angrily towards Dr. Tate’s mild questions. To Jake’s relief, Charles finds a body in the bushes, putting his conversation with the therapist on hold.

Now that they’ve found the victim, it’s time to track down her suspected killer. The search takes them to the couple’s apartment, which is unlocked, empty, and devoid of anything suspicious except for strange contemporary artwork featuring Jesus. Jake becomes suspicious of Dr. Tate when he’s able to immediately point out the location of a bathroom in an apartment he’s supposedly never been in before (in New York, the location of the bathroom is never obvious) but Charles just thinks Jake is letting his bias towards therapists get in the way of his detective instincts.

(Personally, I was fully on Jake’s side; I was suspicious of Dr. Tate ever since Jake mentioned that the only DNA found at the scene of the crime was of the three of them who discovered the body.)

After promising Charles he won’t go behind his back and break into the therapist’s office Jake...does exactly that. His misconduct (did he even stop to get a warrant?) pays off when he finds a notebook hidden in a filing cabinet filled with information about the dead woman and her currently missing husband.

Dr. Tate returns to the office as Jake is trying to sneak out and he finds himself taking refuge in a different therapist’s office to avoid being seen. Once there, he ends up pretending to be a man with multiple personality disorder (or dissociative identity disorder, as it’s more properly known) while he waits for Dr. Tate to leave.

This was the only part of the episode I felt weird about; while I feel like this bit was a chance to showcase Andy Samberg’s notoriously bad skill at accents, it came across as...disrespectful towards an actual mental illness, when this show usually has such nuance navigating around these topics. Since I don’t know much about dissociative identity disorder I’ll leave it at that but I feel like it could have been handled better.

Jake finally makes it back to his car, where he’s surprised by Dr. Tate, who’s been hiding in his backseat with a gun. The therapist admits to not only killing Susan but her husband as well, along with another couple several years back; in order to stall him, Jake ends up opening up about his problems with therapy: he’d gone to family counselling with his parents when he was a kid because he was acting up in class, but the sessions only brought attention to his parents’ problems, which eventually led to their divorce.

Jake blaming himself for his dad leaving makes a ton of sense not just in the context of this episode but in the context of the entire series, making it one of those well-earned reveals that’s less of a surprise to the audience than it is to Jake himself. I’m glad he had a breakthrough, and if he does choose to go forward with therapy sessions in the future I hope that’s something the show continues to address.

Before Dr. Tate can kill Jake, Charles shows up — Jake had managed to text him his location without looking at his phone. Kind of. (Actually he texted Amy a string of random characters, who forwarded the message onto Charles, who used “find my phone” to figure out Jake’s location.) So Jake got a free therapy session from a murderer who they have now successfully apprehended, win-win!

Back at the precinct, Captain Holt finds out the rest of the squad has already met Jocelyn, Rosa’s girlfriend — albeit unintentionally — and invites Rosa to bring her to dinner with him and Kevin on the weekend.

Can we talk for a moment about how far the relationship between these two has come? Going all the way back to Season 2 when Kevin wanted to have Rosa and her then-boyfriend, Marcus, over for dinner and Holt and Rosa conspired to stop their lives from becoming too entangled. Since then, the two have become a lot closer: Holt was one of the first people Rosa allowed herself to become vulnerable with when she went to him for advice during her breakup with Marcus; he convinced Rosa of her place within the Nine-Nine family when she tried to run away to Argentina; and he provides her with support, love, and understanding as the only other (out) LGBTQ+ cop in the precinct.

Rosa turns down Captain Holt’s request to have her and Jocelyn over for dinner, but not because she’s worried such an event will bring them uncomfortably close, as she was in Season 2. Now it’s because they are close, and her captain’s opinion matters so much that she’s afraid he won’t like her new girlfriend.

Rosa’s so worried about this that she goes to lengths to introduce Captain Holt to an actress she hired to play Jocelyn, so that she can gauge his reaction; when Holt realizes what’s going on, he’s understandably upset. While he thinks the reason Rosa won’t introduce him to Jocelyn is because she’s not as close to him as she is to the rest of the squad, it’s the opposite that’s actually true.

Captain Holt — and the audience — get a chance to meet Jocelyn for real, when she appears in the precinct break room and introduces herself to Holt through a bad joke that instantly endeared me to her. I don’t know if Jocelyn is Rosa’s forever-girl, but I hope she sticks around for a while.

Footnotes:

Two episodes in a row now that Charles has mentioned doing couples activities with his dad. I realize his dad is going through a breakup, but what happened to Genevieve?! I miss her.

“It’s just that sometimes you can be...judgemental.” “What a stupid thing to say.” Never change, Captain Holt.

Holt’s conversation with Kevin about rice is adorable, when can Marc Evan Jackson guest star on the show again?

“Mentally ill people are much more likely to be the victims than the perpetrators” was a really nice line for them to just throw in there.

Charles’ tendency to be unconsciously sexual is one of my favourite things about him, please don’t take that away.

It was nice to get confirmation that Scully and Cindy Shatz are still going strong.

The brief kiss between Rosa and Jocelyn was the first kiss between a same-sex couple on this show (still waiting on Holt and Kevin); not only that, but it was a kiss between two LGBTQ+ characters portrayed by two LGBTQ+ actresses, which I think is pretty cool.

Brooklyn Nine-Nine airs Thursdays at 9/8c on NBC.

Sam’s episode rating: 🐝🐝🐝🐝

[wazafam]

With Rick And Morty being one of the highest-rated shows on IMDb, with a massively dedicated fanbase, few other current animated shows can compete with it. The show is best known for its too-clever-for-its-own-good narratives, time travel and alternate universes, and a mad scientist that just wants to watch the world burn, which makes it strikingly similar to another animated sci-fi show.

RELATED: 10 Fox Franchises That Seem Right At Home On Disney+

Though it’s much more streamlined and less nihilistic, Futurama has a lot in common with the Adult Swim comedy. Professor Farnsworth and Rick are both lab coat-wearing madmen who invent devices that could end the world in an instant, and each episode sees the characters visit strange new worlds. Though the comparisons don’t end there, both shows are great in different ways.

10 Rick & Morty: Alternate Universes

Futurama has actually been known to delve into alternate universes quite frequently, most notably in “The Farnsworth Parabox,” which is one of the most memorable episodes of the whole series. But the alternate universes in Futurama don’t hold a candle to the inventiveness of Rick And Morty’s multiverse.

Whether it’s Dimension C-137, which is filled with Cronenbergs, Blips And Chitz, which is one giant arcade, or even a world where chairs sit on humans, the worlds in Rick And Morty are a perfect mix of random for random’s sake and completely fascinating.

9 Futurama: Set In The Future

Though Rick has a box labeled “Time travel stuff” on a shelf in the garage and there have been episodes based in alternate dimensions in the future, the show has never delved as deep into the future like Futurama.

As Futurama is set in the year 3000, the whole world is filled to the brim with fascinating and creative futuristic inventions, whether it’s robots or travel tubes, which has even inspired Elon Musk. The futuristic setting in Matt Groening’s passion project makes way for tons of thought-provoking concepts, and though Rick And Morty is thought-provoking too, it’s significantly lacking when it comes to how it portrays the future.

8 Rick & Morty: Tackles Philosophical Issues

While Futurama has had buckets of fun playing with time travel and messing around with the Grandfather Paradox in ingenious ways, it rarely goes deep into the rabbit hole of philosophical questions, at least not to the same depths that Rick And Morty does.

Whether it’s the sanctity of marriage or the insignificance of man, no other show animated or otherwise has so bluntly and tellingly conveyed existential dread and the dark truths of life like Rick and Morty has.

7 Futurama: More Optimistic

Sci-fi shows are great for creating allegories for real-life situations, whether it’s discrimination or the economy, as the genre has been the vessel to deliver serious issues in an entertaining way ever since Star Trek: The Original Series. The two shows are similar in many ways, as they tackle the same subjects, but the approach they have to the same issues is where they differ the most.

RELATED: 10 Biggest (& Best) Romantic Gestures In Futurama

One thing about Rick And Morty is that it’s so nihilistic and depressive, and though that’s part of the show’s charm, there’s barely ever a moment that depicts any of the characters in a good light. On the other hand, Futurama is so heartfelt that it has even made fans cry on several occasions, and it tackles serious issues, just like Rick And Morty does, but in a more optimistic way.

6 Rick & Morty: Gets Disturbing

While Futurama is generally a family-friendly show, Rick and Morty gets brutal, disgusting, and outright filthy. The animators aren’t afraid to get creative with the ways in which aliens are mercilessly killed, and the writers aren’t afraid to conjure up the most outlandish lines of dialogue for Rick’s many tirades.

And it seems as if there aren’t many studio notes coming Dan Harmon’s way either, as it’s only getting dirtier with each season.

5 Futurama: The Ensemble Cast And Recurring Characters

Though Rick and Morty always run into bizarre creatures on all of their adventures, from Mr. Poopybutthole to the Slut Dragons, there are very few recurring characters, and outside of the titular characters, there are few others that are particularly noteworthy.

However, Futurama has a resounding amount of recurring characters that are so interesting and have their own backstory, whether it's the Captain Kirk parody Zap Brannigan or Calculon, a robot soap-opera actor. Even the main characters are a wild range of depressive robots, one-eyed mutants, and 1000-year-old humans.

4 Rick & Morty: More Movie References

Unlike its big brother, The Simpsons, which is littered with movie references in almost every episode, Futurama looks forward not backward and it’s surprisingly lacking when it comes to movie references.

RELATED: 10 Most Questionable Parenting Choices In Rick & Morty

With the exception of The Slurm Factory and Slurms McKenzie, who should get his own spin-off, there are few memorable movie references in the show. Conversely, Rick and Morty’s very foundation is the satirization of sci-fi movies. The show has parodied Inception, Mad Max, and many others, and the very character design of Rick is even modeled after Doc Brown from Back to the Future.

3 Futurama: Different Types Of Inventions

Rick Sanchez is a great scientist and an incredible inventor, and the portal gun is the key to many of the mind-bending universes fans love, but there are few other inventions under Rick’s belt compared to Professor Farnsworth.

Farnsworth has a vast array of inventions, and though he has a morbid streak that runs through his head just like Rick, as he has a penchant for creating doomsday devices, there are some bewilderingly brilliant inventions in Futurama. From the smell-o-scope to the electronics hat, which turns monkeys into geniuses, Farnsworth is by far the best inventor of the two scientists.

2 Rick & Morty: More Memorable Adventures

There’s a reason why Rick And Morty is the greatest animated show according to IMDb. Each and every episode follows the grandfather and grandson not just travel to memorable alternate dimensions, but go there in order to retrieve some random MacGuffin or hunt down an evil rick.

As Futurama sees the Planet Express employees deliver a package to a different planet each episode, there’s very little room for creativity. However, whether Morty hides giant seeds up his butt when going through an alien customs or Morty escapes prison with a mysterious blue cat-like creature called Chachi, there are so many hilariously dark adventures Rick has forced Morty on.

1 Futurama: Better World-Building

The world-building in Rick and Morty is one of the major flaws that fans choose to ignore, as the Citadel of Ricks ultimately makes no sense whatsoever, and other series-long arcs, such as Rick’s depression and Evil Morty, don’t seem to be going anywhere.

But Matt Groening created one of the most lived-in worlds from the very first episode, and built on it exquisitely with each episode, whether it was the economics of New New York or the inner working of the space federation. And unlike Rick and Morty, it all made perfect sense.

NEXT: Futurama: 10 Things That Make No Sense About Fry & Leela’s Relationship

5 Ways Rick And Morty Is The Best Sci-Fi Animated Comedy (& 5 Ways It’s Futurama) from https://ift.tt/3sZbPso

[regularbeans]

Best Collaborations of 2017

This list is actually growing every year. Last year I only had 15, before that 10 and 10 in 2014 as well. I love it, yes. Give me more collabs! (And remember, I have a bit of a rulebend where stuff released the previous year’s December still counts.)

20 All Time Low: Ground Control (feat. Tegan and Sara) 

If I’m absolutely honest I don’t really know/like Tegan and Sara but I do know they come from around the same neck of the pop punk woods All Time Low does and I can appreciate a bit of out of nowhere collab. 

19 ONE OK ROCK: Take What You Want (feat. 5 Seconds of Summer)

I honest to god know nothing about One Ok Rock but I do love those 5SOS boys and miss them quite a lot so I’m happy for this track.

18 Halsey: Strangers (feat. Lauren Jauregui)

Another confession: I don’t think this song is as much the tits as everybody says it is but my bi heart hungers for any sort of representation so I’ll take it thank you very much.

17 Stargate: Waterfall (feat. P!nk & Sia)

This is for a movie, right? Who the heck cares, Pink and Sia are definitely two of the strongest female vocalists out there and hearing them side-by-side is every bit as brilliant as I thought it would be.

16 Clean Bandit: I Miss You (feat. Julia Michaels)

Artists like Clean Bandit, Robin Schulz, Kygo or The Chainsmokers (all of which actually have a place or two on this list) are good cause they’re giving me a constant supply of collabs to love. I don’t even know Julia Michaels and I fell in love with her voice as soon as I heard this song.

15 Robin Schulz: OK (feat. James Blunt)

Not as good as Sugar but good regardless, James Blunt is the last person I thought would be collaborating with Robin Schulz but surprisingly it works.

14 Linkin Park: Heavy (feat. Kiiara)

This song was the first on my list back when it came out and even though I understood the concerns about such a different track being the lead single, I could not side with the criticism saying it’s bad. It’s an emotional, painful song about inner turmoils sung beautifully by Kiiara and Chester Bennington.

13 Kygo: Stargazing (feat. Justin Jesso)

Kygo, buddy, you always have my back when it comes to collabs. I love my dance pop full of samples and this gives me just that.

12 The Chainsmokers: Something Just Like This (feat. Coldplay)

Alright, sue me, I love catchy songs. So what? In this world where pop music has become electronic pop producers like The Chainsmokers have an easy job I’d say and some of the old pop royalty are left to catch up or get left behind. This results in many bands that started out or became famous worldwide in the last decade prioritising the electro pop sound over their old set-up (two examples are Coldplay and the upcoming OneRepublic, by the way). For some it doesn’t work out that great but for Coldplay here it sounds comfortable, showing another side of themselves.

11 Kygo: Stranger Things (feat. OneRepublic)

 I think I’ve said all I could about this track in the previous two summaries but let me just add that when Ryan Tedder came out with that announcement about not doing another album anytime soon but rather releasing singles whenever they felt comfortable with it because he felt way too under pressure I became worried. I love OneRepublic despite thinking their music have kind of gone downhill since the good old days of the last decade (see?) and would never want them to force themselves into doing shit they don’t want. With a few amazing collaborations under their belt I’m glad they found their way to this song which fits their repertoire quite well.

...remember the beginning of this post when I didn’t write whole novels for every entry? I miss those times. Click through for the first ten songs.

10 San Holo: I Still See Your Face (GOSLO Remix)

Alright, not a classic collaboration but you know what I mean. San Holo’s always been a weird one for me because I barely listen to his vanilla stuff, I always seem to fancy the remixes only. This one is strangely addictive and once you’ve heard it slowed down like that you don’t really want to go back to the original. Sorry(?)

09 Khalid & Imagine Dragons: Thunder/Young Dumb & Broke

I don’t know how this collab came to be but I like to think that the Imagine Dragons boys and Khalid both separately heard each other’s songs and realised the instrumentals might as well be swapped cause they just fit each other so well. I also recommend the live version which is awesome. I’m so on board with Dan Reynolds wandering into the realms of R&B, it really suits him.

08 Logic: 1-800-273-8255 (feat. Alessia Cara & Khalid)

Mental illness has been getting tons of attention in the mainstream media recently, I think starting around the suicide of Robin Williams (could be sooner but that’s when I became aware of the attention) and that’s not a bad thing but I feel like most artists are still just dancing around the notion of saying things as they are. It’s not a bad thing, I’d rather people are careful rather than misrepresenting or spreading false information and thus enforcing the stigma around mental illness, but then someone like Logic comes out of nowhere with a song whose title is literally the US suicide prevention hotline with several hard hitting lines that tell it like it is. The fact that the music video is about a young black gay boy growing up to be happy is just cherry on top. I’m glad Alessia Cara and Khalid, two people from two different genres came together to collaborate on it.

07 Nothing But Thieves: Hell Yeah (feat. Jonathan Higgs)

Fear not, I will always find a way to cram these assholes onto any list I can get my filthy fingers on. I don’t even know which concert this was and I had no idea these guys even knew each other but it was such a random impromptu collab that I can’t help but love it. The harmonies sounded amazing and I love the idea of any old singer from an otherwise unrelated band just randomly wandering on stage to sing a duet with Conor.

06 dodie: Impossible Year (feat. Jack Howard)

Here’s one of our outliers but one that actually fits our current situation. Panic! forever cemented this song as a must-listen at the end of every year and dodie and Jack Howard did an amazing job covering the song. It works even better as a duet somehow, and I just love their voices together.

05 Lin-Manuel Miranda: Almost Like Praying (feat. Artists for Puerto Rico)

Lin is one of those people who just radiates good energy wherever he goes. You just can’t help but feel positive when he’s around. I imagine it’s a blessing and a burden but when he uses that power to gather around a group of musical legends and contemporary artists to promote a good cause it’s definitely a blessing.

04 Clean Bandit: Symphony (feat. Zara Larsson)

It might just be because this song is the theme song of my OTP but I love it. It’s even weirder because I listened to it a lot this year when I had a bit of a breakdown and yet this song doesn’t remind me of that phase, thankfully. It reminds me that Clean Bandit are master songwriters and Zara Larsson’s voice is too good for the music she does on her own.

03 Machine Gun Kelly: Home (feat. X Ambassadors & Bebe Rexha) 

Do I like Machine Gun Kelly? Not really. Do I like Bebe Rexha? Not in particular. Have I seen Bright? Hell no. I do love X Ambassadors to bits, however, and will lay down my life for a good hook any day. It’s a nostalgic sort of bittersweet song about belonging and missing home, and it carries even more meaning when you realise Machine Gun Kelly wrote his verse after he found out about Chester Bennington’s death. I love this song regardless of the background info but it just fits so well together this way. Also Bebe Rexha’s voice is also too good for the music she does on her own. She’s got a beast in that throat of hers, goddamn.

02 Grizfolk: In My Arms (feat. Jamie N Commons)

Two artists that crept up on me without any warning, indie pop Grizfolk and what the hell is Jamie N Commons even doing when he’s not singing for other people? I should probably check out. But until then enjoy this song between two of the strongest vocals you probably never heard of.

01 Cold War Kids: So Tied Up (feat. Bishop Briggs) 

You’d think I knew this song would be first on the list for a long time but no sir, I did not. Eventually the deciding factor was that the live version they released before the album came out (link in the title) was so good that when the studio version came out people were outraged that Bishop Briggs was barely featured. It wasn’t even the false advertisement that hurt, it was just that the studio version absolutely wasted Bishop’s talents which as we know are plenty. Luckily Cold War Kids realised their mistake and released a “moreBishop” version which is 1) as it should’ve been from the very beginning and 2) fucking hilarious. The music video (linked here) also features “moreBishop”, thank goodness x)

The list also contained Not Easy by Alex Da Kid and featuring X Ambassadors, Elle King, and Whiz Khalifa but unfortunately it’s from 2016 October as it turns out so :[ (Listen to the song anyway cause it’s really good)

[lillaxtrigger]

The ghostly maid: Memories of the possessed

Looking through anothers eyes, we see the sun shining on a stone street. The people that walked by had strange looking clothes. Some looked elagant, others looked torn and rugged. They were speaking french towards one another. Someone said: "Ma femme de chambre. Nous devons trouver un remède pour votre maladie avant de vous emmener." We look beside us and see a man in a victorian suit. In a feminine voice, we hear: "Je sais, mais nous avons essayé tout ce que la médecine moderne peut faire. Qu'y a-t-il d'autre?". "Ne t'inquiète pas. Je connais quelqu'un qui pourrait l'aider. Les prêtres m'ont prévenu, mais nous n'avons plus d'autres solutions." the man said. "Le prêtre? De quoi vous a-t-il averti? Jacques, qu'allez-vous faire?" the female voice said. "Si ce que j'ai entendu parler d'Helena est vrai, alors cette maladie qui vous plait ne sera plus.". "Helena? N'est-ce pas la sorc-". The girl gets cut off. Trevor suddenly wakes up in his bedroom. He looks out the window to the the moon, high in the night sky. He grabs his pillow and starts to scream in it. Saturday morning rises on the manor. Pike enters from the front door and yawns. As he walks down the hall, he says: "Trevor, Jewely said that she needed my help with something.". As he walked into the dining room, he said: "Oh there you are.", seeing his friend at the far end of the dinning table. "Hey, do you know what's going on? Jewely sounded very upset." Pike said as he walked over to Trevor. When he fully saw Trevor, he saw that he was in his underwhere, his hair an uder mess, bags under his eyes. He was holding a steaming mug in his hands. "Sweet lord, all mighty! What happened to you?". Pike screamed. Trevor slowly looked at his friend and said: "Heeeey Piiiike. How...how-how's it- how are you doing?". "How am I doing? Trevor, are you okay? You look like your about to keel over.". "Yeah. I'm-I'm fine. Just been a little trouble...sl-sleeping and...and stuff. The boy could barely keep his eyes open as he sipped his mug. "Is that coffee?" Pike asked. "Yeah, it's a...it's pretty neat.". "Trevor, you shouldn't be drinking coffee at your age.". Jewely floated inside and said: "Bonjour, Pike.". "Jewely? What is going with him? Why does he look so wrecked?" Pike asked. "That's exactly why I called you here. You see, I'm afraid that Trevor has been expiriencing a severe case of insomnia.". "I can see that. How long has this been happening?". "It's started around 2 weeks ago." she said. "2 weeks!? That's like half a month! How has he been getting by?" Pike asked. "Coffee! Lots...lots....lots, lots, lots of coffee. Speak of which, Jewely, can I-can I-can I- can I have more coffee. The-the-the bitter- The bitter the better please." Trevor mumbled, then passed out. Jewely sighed and grabbed the mug, floating off with it. Pike followed her, saying "Jeez, he looks like he's gonna collapse. Have you tried taking him to a doctor?". "We've tried everything. We went to a doctors, psychiatrists, and brain surgeons. All of them say that he's fine." Jewely said. "What about medication? Have you tried sleep aid?". "We tried all of them. None work?". The ghostly maid poured the coffee in the mug and floated back. "So what happens during this whole imsomnia thing? Does he just stay awake, or does he wake up in the middle of the night." Pike asked. "He wakes up during the night. It's keeping him asleep that is the problem." Jewely answered. "Okay? Is there something keeping him awake?". "I have watched jeune maître Trevor closely for nearly every night since his affliction began. Nothing is disturbing him. He wakes up in a jolt at least three times a night.". "So nothing is bothering him on the outside, but what about the inside?". "Well he has been having these strange dreams as of late." Jewely said. "Dreams?". Trevor was at the table with a fresh cup of coffee in his hand, groaning and rubbing his eyes. Pike and Jewely sat beside him. "Okay, buddy. Ya focused enough?" Pike said. "I...I think..." Trevor mumbled. "Jewels says that you've been expiriencing some weird dreams. Can you tell us what you dream about?". "I honestly dream that I didn't have to work so much. Even in this state, the chairmen of the company expects me to keep up with my tutoring.". "Seriously! Alright, alright. Just tell me what you were dreaming about last night." Pike said. "Well I was waking down a street with this french guy, he was dressed real weird." Trevor said. "Can you describe him." Jewely asked. "Um...he looked to be wearing a powdered wig and panty hose". "Okay, what else?". "He had a red silk like coat.". "Anything else?". "Not really. But that's not the weirdest part. The weird part is that I feel like I'm watching all of this through someone else's eyes. I couldn't control my body, what I said, and I sounded so different. Like a girl. I felt so bizarre as I listen to them talk.". Trevor said. "Do you remember what they were saying?" Jewely said. "I don't know. They were speaking french. I only know a little bit of it. I think the word illness kept coming up.". "Interesting. We might have to investigate further." Pike said. "How?". Nightfall hovered over the mansion. Trevor was in his bed, taking some pills. "I hope this works." he said The boy laid down in his bed, waiting for sleep. After an hour, Trevor was knocked out cold. Pike and Jewely stood by the door outside. "Can you please explain what your plan is, monsieur Pike. You have not told Trevor nor I a single detail." Jewely said. "Okay. Here's what's gonna happen. You, Jewely are going to possess Trevor while he sleeps and see what he is dreaming about.". "That's your plan? How do you know I can even see Trevor's dreams? What if I just end up controlling his unconscious body?". "Have you ever tried possessing a sleeping person before?" Pike asked. "Well...No.". "Then we don't know what will happen. We at least got to give it a try, right.". "I suppose.". Jewely approached Trevors sleeping body. She goes inside and possesses the boy. We see through the eyes of the girl once more. This time, she is at the far end of a table. She looks to her side to see the man from before. "Quel genre de prix devons-nous payer pour la maintenir en vie?" he said. The girl looks to the end of the table to see a hooded old woman. "Eh bien, monsieur Juda. Le prix pour garder votre précieuse femme de chambre est plutôt raide. Êtes-vous sûr de payer le coût?" the old woman said. "Bien sûr, aucune somme d'argent n'est trop forte pour moi. Donne-moi ton prix.". "Je crains que rien dans le monde en ce moment ne puisse guérir la pauvre fille de sa maladie. La mort sera inévitable pour elle.". Both the man and the girl look at each other in grief. "Il n'y a rien qui puisse être fait?" the girl said. "Je n'ai jamais dit cela. Il existe un moyen de vous garder au courant. Cependant, les conséquences sont très fortes." the old woman said. The girl thought to herself for a moment, then said: "Quoi qu'il en soit, je vais le prendre.". "Vous pouvez vivre au-delà de vos années, mais seulement lorsque votre amant meurt.". Suddenly, darkness started to surround the girl. Her vision was going dim. Trevor jolted awake from his slumber, ejecting Jewely from his body. The launch made the maid slam into the wall. The boy got up and saw Pike come in. "Jewely? What-wh-wh-what's going on?" he said. "Did it work? Did you see anything?" Pike said. "I...I saw..." Jewely stammered. "You did see something. What was it?". "They were...my memories.". All three of them were in the living room. Pike was walking back and forth around the room. "Let me see if I can try to understand this. Trevor, for the past two weeks, has been dreaming about your memories, Jewely. But not just any memories, memories of back when you were still alive?" Pike recapped, "Pike, why are you saying all this? You just said what Jewely just said." Trevor said. "Yes. But I don't know why he is.". Jewely said. "So how are we gonna fix this?" Trevor said. "Well we could ask Tracy. But he hates us." Pike said. "No, we hate him." Trevor said. "Oh yeah. But he hates us back. I guess you could argue that he hates us because we hate him. So the hate dynamic is really like a-". "Boys, boys!" Jewely interupted. "Right, right. Um...internet?" Pike suggested. The three of them were looking on the computer, trying to search for answers to their plight. Pike was searching through, when he said: "Ha, found something.". "What is it?" Jewely asked. "A website saying that it has cure to ghostly ailments.". "Really?" Jewely said. "Who made it?" Trevor said. "It's says it was made by...someone called Specter Hunter- Aw man. It's Tracy.". "How can you tell?" Jewely asked. "It's a username he goes by when he's online.". "Well click something else. I don't want to take advice from that sack of human garbage." Trevor said. "This is the only site I've found that has info we need, Trevor. How many other sites do you think dabble in this kinda stuff?". Trevor sighed in frustration. Pike looked around the site, saying: "Jeez, he needs to organize this site.". He then said: "Ah ha, found something. "What did you find?" Trevor asked. "It says, that whenever ghost possess someone repeatedly, the possessed in question starts to live through, the ghosts memories as dreams.". "So it's Jewely's fault that I have insomnia." Trevor said. "Jewely, why were you possessing Trevor so much.". "Well...After the jeune maître parents died, I have I had to fill the roll as guardian. Time and time again, I have had to possess him to follow the right path, weather it was eating properly, or getting in the bath.". "Jewely, you can't just force kids to do stuff like that. Haven't you ever been a parent before?" Pike asked. "No. In all my years of being the family maid, I have never once parented.". "What else does the site say? Does it have a cure?" Trevor asked. Pike turned back to the monitor and said: "Hm...It says that there is one traditional cure. We have to find out what the dreams are trying to tell you. Think, what are some recurring thing that happen?". "Let see...I'm always seeing through Jewelys eyes, that man is always by my side, and an illness keeps getting mentioned." Trevor recapped. Both boys looked at the ghost maid. "Well. If you must know, I don't really know what eaxctly lead to my death back then. All I can remember is that everyday, I felt weaker and weaker. I couldn't lift my leg, then my arms stopped working. Soon, I lost all the feeling in my body. And I felt so hot, my mouth was so dry. It was like I was being burned alive. It felt like a living nightmare that would not stop.". "Wow...Jewely, I'm...I'm so sorry. I knew that talking about your death would be uncomfortable, but I didn't think it was that horrifying." Trevor said. "It's okay. It's behind me now.". "Right...So, you said that there was a man beside you. Who was he?". "Ah...That was Rafortion Juda. Your ancestor, Trevor. He plucked me form the streets and gave me a job as a maid. (Sigh) He was such a wonderful man." "Who was Helena?" Trevor said. "She was that old woman who was in your last dream. She offered me the chance to exist outside my mortal coil.". "So from all of this, we can gather that the dreams are trying to tell us to find out what killed Jewely.". "That might be a problem." Jewely said. "We don't have a jumping off point, and we can't just wait for the dream to give me one.". "What if you can control those dreams and search through them." Pike said. "How can I do that.". "Maybe I can help you." Jewley suggested. "First, you need to tell yourself that you are dreaming. Try a visual clue." Pike said. "Like what?". "I don't know. A red dot, a blue dog, a pink whale. Just make up whatever.". "Alright. Let give it a go." Trevor went back to sleep and Jewely entered him once more. He once again dreamed of seeing thrugh the eyes of a living Jewely. He looked around and saw that he was in a bed with Rafortion and a doctor by the bed. "Docteur, est-ce qu'il vous reste quelque chose à faire?" he said. "Je suis désolé. Rien dans le pouvoir de la médecine moderne ne peut la sauver." the doctor said. Rafortion started to break down in tears. Trevor saw a yellow submarine in the mirror nearby, telling him that he was dreaming. He tried to move on his own, but his entire body was paralyzed. The boy then saw ghost Jewely enter from his body and pulled Trevor from out of the bed. As he got up, his body morphed from Jewely to his own original body. Trevor was breathing heavily and said: "Thank you Jewely.". After he caught his breathe, he said: "Say, what's all this about?" pointing behind him. "What is about?" Jewely asked. "This scene with you in the-" he said as he turned around. Trevor saw that the bed behind him was empty. In fact, the entire room was devoid of anyone besides him and his maid. "Jewely, who did you see in that bed when you first came out?". "You, jeune maître Trevor. You looked like you had troublw getting up, so I aided you.". Trevor stared at the bed where he laid upon. "Are you okay?" she asked. "Yeah...Let's have a look around.". Looking outside the room, Trevor saw that the halls were well decorated with maroon carpeting and floral green walls. "Wow, this place looks nothing like the halls back home." Trevor said. "This brings back so many memories. I remember when Rafortion first showed me around.". "Great, then you'll have no problem guiding me around. Hey! Let check this room out.". Trevor pointed to two doors next to eachother in one doorway. "That's the master bedroom. I was never allowed in there. I never even got to see the inside". "Perfect place to start, then.". Trevor opened both of the door and was inside his bedroom. "My bedroom? Jewely, why is my bedroom in your old mansion?". "Well I am in your unconscious body. Maybe your memories are filling in the gaps of mine.". As both of them walked back out, Trevor said: "Okay. Anywhere that's familiar to me is a dead end. This shouldn't be too hard.". The two searched all around the mansion, going into rooms and either finding little to nothing, or a familiar site from Trevors thoughts. They made their way to the entrance hall. Jewely and Trevor were heading to the front door. "Maybe we should check outside." Trevor suggested. THe boy opened the door and said: "What?". One the other side was an endless white void of utter nothingness that spread out as far as the boys eyes could see. Jewely looked out and said: "Tant pis, I guess we're stuck in here.". Trevor looked back and saw someone run up to the right above the stairs. "What is it?" Jewely asked. "I thought I saw someone upstairs.". Trevor ran up the stairs and to the right of the upper level. He ran into the hall and saw the figure enter a room. Trevor opened the door and saw a room with two chairs, a fireplace, a desk, and two big bookcases. Jewely entered following and said: "Rafortion's study? Why were we lead here?". "I think whatever we're supposed to find is in here. Let's have a look around.". They started to search through the room, checking under the chairs, going through the desk, and searching through the bookcase. As Trevor searched through books, he said: "What kind of titles are these? Mon voisin était un poulet, Pourquoi le soleil me crie-t-il, Pepe pepepe's livre de recettes?". "That is a cook book, Monsieur." Jewely said. Trevor looked at the book, then tossed it to the side. "I'm starting to think we're not getting any ground, here. Let's bounce.". Trevor jumped down from the self an was about to leave, but a book on the desk caught his attention. He walked over and picked it up, saying: "What this book here before?". The cover of the book said: "Ma laiterie.". Jewely looked at the book and said: "I've seen this book before.". Suddenly the entire room started to shake, everything was turning white. Trevor jolted awake with Jewely being shot out of his body. Pike walked in and said: "Did you find anything?". "I'm not sure. Maybe? What do you think Jewely?" Trevor answered. "I remember where I've seen that book." the ghost maid said. "Where?". Jewely zipped out of the room and across the hall. Trevor and Pike raced after her in hot pursuit. "Jewely, stop! Where are you going?" Pike shouted. She phased through a door at the end of a hall. Trevor opened the door and saw a staircase leading down. "You have a basement?" Pike said. "Apperantly.". Both of them descended into the darkness, stepping futher away from the hall lights. Soon, total darkness eclipsed both of them. "I can't see a thing...Hold up, I think I found a light switch." Pike said. "I found one too." Trevor added. Pike, flipped the switch and the lights came on, showing Trevor was pinching Pikes nose. Once he realized that it wasn't a switch, Trevor let go and said: "Whoops. He, he. Sorry.". They looked ahead and found a big room stuffed with miscellaneous stuff. "What is this junk?" asked Pike. "I don't know.". A little further ahead Trevor caught something in his eye that made him gasp. "What is it?". Trevor dug through a pile of junk to pull out a painting of a forest. "It's an old painting that my mom drew. She used to hang a bunch of them out and display them in the entrance hall. I always wondered where they went. What's it doing down here?". "You're mom was an artist?". "Oh yeah. She got alot of money for her work at art shows. In fact, that's how she met my dad. I'm hanging on to this.". They go in deeper and see stacks of old books and chests. "Jewels...where'd you go?" Pike said. "Je le savais!" she said outloud. Both boys looked around to see where Jewely might be hiding. She popped out of a chest in front of them, causing the boys to fall back. "I knew I've seen that book from somewhere." she said. When Trevor got up, he saw that his maid had the same book from the dreams in her hands. "It's that book from the dream. What is it?". "This ,mon maître, is your great ancestor, Rafortion's diary.". "Cool, let me see.". Jewely handed the diary to Trevor and opened it. "What the...It's all in french.". "Can you read it." Pike said. "Absolutly not." Jewely said. "But I thought you spoke french." Trevor said. "I do. But I promised Rafortion that I would never look in the contents of that book.". "Jewely, come on. You're the only one who can translate it.". "I'm sorry, but I made a vow.". Pike yawned and said: "Whelp, let's see if this did it. The morning sun shined on the manor. Trevor rushed down the halls with the dairy in hand. Pike was in the guest bedroom. Trevor burst in, shouting: "It worked! I didn't dream anything.". Pike jolted out of bed and said: "Ah! Oh. Uh, that's great. Good to here you can sleep again. Gues that means those dreams you've been having wanted you to find that diary.". "Yeah, but...". Trevor looks through the pages of the diary and says: "Why did it wan't me to find it?".

[estuarries]

dan and phil and anxiety thoughts

i just watched a ton of “dan and phil in Another YouTuber’s vlogs” compilations and was struck by how differently they respond in social situations. someone commented that dnp were standing so close together because dan has social anxiety and phil was staying nearby as a comfort type thing. i read that and was like ????? I Do Not Understand! because out of the two of them phil seems more obviously nervous/out of place in social situations to me while dan comes across as quite cool and relaxed with people. i can tell sometimes that he’s ~a bit~ nervous/uncomfortable but he seems to fill social spaces with laughs and bants and seems somewhat at ease with interacting with people.

i know dan has a musical theater and general theater background and that must have increased his comfort on stage/in front of others (i watched a tatinof clip and it was pretty obvious that dan felt more comfortable on stage and that phil was doing his best to enjoy himself and do a good job but was less comfy than dan). it’s just strange to me that people still associate dan with ~social awkwardness~ and ~disliking social interaction~  bc it seems like he’s actually pretty comfortable around people now? obviously everyone goes thru the awkward teen phase and that was definitely heightened by internet culture at the time of dinof and ap developed their personal branding, but it’s just weird to me that people STILL associate dan so much with social awkwardness bc to me that is like …. Not Dan At All.

i think dan has made it pretty clear that a lot of his ~socially awkward~ feelings come from feelings of alienation and mental distance from people/life itself rather than awkward situations he creates. so like. dan is awkward in his mind and phil is more externally awkward? but maybe i’m dismissing the way dan deals with his mental shit bc his whole “i’m not nervous, i just genuinely don’t want to interact with people because i’m too busy Contemplating Life™ and also i’m just lazy!!!!!” seems like #Depression and a defense mechanism to me. and even those responses are like 2 years old and were probably exaggerated because they’re dinof vids!

since leela mentioned phil’s nerves about pictures with neutral expressions it’s been on my mind how a lot of the lolsorandom xD stuff phil still does probably started as a product of anxiety and is now a habit and literally part of phil’s brand. i watched the youtube rewind 2015 vlog and noticed that dan was often towards the center of groups of people and looked Part Of Things while phil gravitated towards the edges and back of groups and held himself a bit awkwardly. this is probably me projecting but it seemed like phil was a bit on the edges of social things? and not just in this vlog, just in general. idk. he doesn’t seem unhappy with it necessarily, but he doesn’t seem to mesh as easily or blend in as seamlessly as dan does. i wonder if this bothers him? 

idk. demonstrated thru phil’s personal trainer experience, his habit of getting caught up in really long conversations with grocery store cashiers, and his filming a super old video of dan dancing behind ppl in the street from a cafe window bc he was too embarrassed to film while dan was doing things that were silly/out of the social norm (which is quite engrained in phil, i think leela has talked about that a bit before), all just show that phil is actually a little nervous abt life and interacting with people in a way that dan is not. honestly i think phil’s has less to do with social anxiety (being judged by others) and maybe more to do with following social norms and being what him and his family see as respectable? but i also think there’s social anxiety too. phil quite obviously wants to interact with people in a loving and kind way and is quiet interested in people in general. i love that about him. in an interview he mentioned that young phil never would have been able to perform on stage in front of people and he’s actually quite proud that he can do it now, and it stuck me that this whole fanbase and youtuber lifestyle thing must have been quite difficult for him. like obviously he wanted it and it makes him happy, but it still was a different adjustment for phil than i think it was for dan, who is more used to people paying attention to him, even if that attention is something that bothers dan more? 

it makes me sad that ppl recognize so much growth in dan but don’t seem to acknowledge growth or strength in phil. i feel like dan is edgier and ~trendier w the kids~ and is often thought of as the more attractive one and phil just kind of gets discarded? like yes dan is a really lovely dude but …. so is phil. in a different way and in his own way. both of them have A LOT of room for growth (!!!!!) and obviously are not without faults. but i hope when dnp get back from particularly exhausting social escapades they sit on the couch in silence together or each retreat to their quiet spaces and sort themselves out in a way that works for them. i hope that when they’re having a rough time at social events or even just out in town they try to check up on each other and maybe brush each other’s hands or touch each other’s shoulders to kind of. reassure themselves and the other that even though shit is happening that is less than desirable, they’re in it together. i hope that phil is patient when dan is stuck in crisis and i hope dan is patient when phil is having a hard time with things. ANYWAYS i love these dudes and i hope both of them are doing okay.