#while i could not

[fagtainsparklez]

i’m gonna cry it’s raining right now and i just passed by a family where both parents were without an umbrella but their kid who couldn’t have been older than like 3-4 was proudly holding this GIANT umbrella whose diameter was as tall (if not taller) as the kid. both the parents were getting absolutely drenched but u could tell the kid was just so happy to have an “adult” task and carry the umbrella themselves and i think that sacrifice is what love is all about

[icewindandboringhorror]

(also feel free in the tags to clarify Why you made the choice you made!! :0c)

[dorothywonderland]

♬⋆.˚ Well it's a little bit dangerous, my friend˚.⋆♬

[clickityweasel]

had a real life "and everybody clapped" moment and im still reeling. spent the rest of the ride comparing butterfly pics with the old lady next to me trying to identify it

[egophiliac]

missed the mark by (looks at calendar) uhhh. hm. but I really wanted to do something for the 5th anniversary! happy five years to these idiots 🎉

[gayymomgod]

2019 - 2024 retrospective

oh wow. okay. we just past christmas and new years is coming up. uhm. this is going to be my longest and most Emotionally Open blog post yet so watch out. i also only looked through this one so... bear with me.

(more under the read me because this is like... almost 4k words. this is also cross-posted on my bear blog!! i just like tumblr)

it's so crazy to see how far i've come. like… huh. i didn't think i'd ever get to this point, really. and because i've been thinking a lot about the shit i've dealt with over the years and never really gave myself a proper outlet for it, here's a bit of a retrospective from the past couple of years. (~2019 – 2024)

i went through a ton of shit in high school. i mean, who doesn't? for me, a lot of it was built off shit that was building up all throughout elementary + middle school. being autistic and not noticing i was sensory sensitive, i needed extra help often, i worked more slowly than others, i had troubles making/maintaining friends, all while struggling to keep up with schoolwork… all with no accommodations. it all built up and crashed BADLY when the pandemic happened. (i was in freshman year during 2019/2020.) i was barely hanging on by a thread.

quick timeline so things make sense before we continue:

2019/2020 – freshman year. i was doing so-so while in school, but things were starting to affect me. pandemic started in march 2020 and we got out of school around this time. we didn’t go back for the remainder of the year.

2020/2021 – sophomore year. this entire year was virtual. spent the entire time depressed and not attending my classes. none of the class credits here matter cause we all passed anyway.

2021/2022 – junior year. we went back to school in person. tons of shit went down academically because of how depressed and exhausted i’ve become.

2022/2023 – senior year. basically, a continuation of junior year except the looming threat of graduation hung over my head.

i was exhausted and ran down all throughout high school. i felt like, no matter how hard i fought and advocated for myself in my accommodations, education, or in my relationships, i had no control over what happened to me. the admins within my school were failing and invalidating me, choosing to take away resources from me and making me feel not deserving of them because of how bad i was doing in school. (that was caused by my depression, mind you.) some teachers viewed me as a bad and lazy student and was criticized often for forgetting my materials, for my grades being low, and not doing my work. there was even this one time where, in my freshman year, my English teacher compared me to this one girl in my class. she told me that this one girl dealt with an abusive household and alcoholic parents but was still a straight A student. after she told me this, she said, “she’s dealt with worse, yet she still comes to school and keeps her grades up. why can’t you be like that?” this has stuck with me for ages and begun my self-inflicted invalidation of my own trauma. though, some were nice enough to notice i was struggling and helped me. some gave me extra time to finish work, some were more lenient towards me, and some gave me space to talk if i needed to. my school counselors though, they were no help up until my senior year. (which… i was disappointed to find out that the one school counselor in my senior year who advocated for and helped me was no longer there the next school year. hm.) school already took away my energy and drive to keep going, the least i could do is hold onto a hope to keep pushing that, frankly, over the years before graduation, depleted significantly. which is like… crazy to think about. i’m an innately optimistic and hopeful person. it’s the one thing i hold onto when i have absolutely nothing left within my control… and i had no control over my high school life. my hope was all i had. it really did get that bad.

during my junior year, before summer school started and when i realized that higher ups were not going to help me, i took matters into my own hands. i NEEDED some sort of accommodations or help or… something!! i felt like i was losing myself the further i went on without help. i looked to find out who oversaw special ed to ask them what the process of getting of 504 or IEP or ANYTHING was. it sucks that i had to do this on my own. we got in contact, and she was willing to meet with me and talk with me to see what was up, and see if we can do anything in the following school year. so that’s what happened, i met up with her after my summer school class ended for the day and we got to talk and i got to tell her what was going on. i told her how my dean, (junior) school counselor, and my social worker all told me i couldn’t get the help i wanted because i wasn’t attending classes and how it felt like they were all teaming up against me over something i couldn’t control. she did tell me i couldn’t get an IEP or 504 plan without a diagnosis (i can’t get one I’m Poor) but that she’ll get me in contact with the school psychologist to try and see if there is anything they can do for me, and that she was glad i reached out. i finally felt like i was going somewhere. when school rolled around and senior year started, i got to talk to the school psychologist in person and we figured things out from there. getting any diagnosis for ADHD or autism would be difficult now that we’re post-covid due to wait-times, and even she couldn’t bypass them anymore. but she could get me an in-school therapist. which i happily accepted, i just needed Something. i started to go to school late everyday from here on out, as it was the only way i was able to make it through at all.

i didn’t think i’d graduate at all by this point. maybe at best, i’d graduate late, but i think i would’ve gotten really discouraged to continue. i told friends that i was trying to push to graduate on time, so i can graduate and be alongside them. that was my goal, mainly because i knew i wouldn’t have finished school otherwise. my two older brothers dropped out and my older sister graduated early, so my mom had never been to one of the big ceremonies for one of her kids. i wanted the big ceremony, i wanted to be celebrated, i wanted to walk with my friends, i wanted the acknowledgment that I Made It. the number of times i’ve been met with “just drop out” astonishes me. i don’t blame them, nor do i hold it against them, and i never will. i just don’t think any of them truly understood the predicament i was in at all. i mean, how could they? i was behind on credits, i had troubles getting to school on time due to how exhausted i was, and i had troubles keeping my grades up if i couldn’t keep up with the class. they got there to school on time, they kept up with schoolwork, they had good grades. they never had to redo failed classes. they never skipped class early or missed full days because the exhaustion was wearing them down, the lights were too bright, or everything was too loud. even though they meant well, it did slightly exacerbate the loneliness i was already dealing with. plus, i couldn’t drop out. that wasn’t an option at all. they said this out of, from a lack of better words, a place of privilege. i had already spent too much time trying to recover everything to give up like that. i took summer school to recover what credits i could (which i barely finished one class), i had more credits to recover during senior year because of how shit went down during junior year, and i’d already had done so much work for that, too. i’m sure they all said this to help and didn’t really know what to suggest for the situation that i was in. i’d never really held any resentment over this. if anything, i was quietly envious that they could even suggest something like that. that they were able to keep up with school without struggling as badly as i did. it just stuck onto me, anyway.

and before i continue, i did want to add something. despite the shit i mentioned above, i’m being so serious when i say that i pushed myself to go to school often just to see my friends. i’ve known most of these people since middle school, so they knew me more intimately than most. and during this time, i had a hard time making new friends. i was just too tired to maintain contact with people. though that wasn’t entirely new, i’d been like that in middle school, but it definitely worsened during high school. but those who kept being friends with me even though i was constantly tired, and even though it felt like i wasn’t deserving of it, they meant the absolute world to me. there’s a whole thing about this, something something i didn’t have any friends during elementary school so the friends i made in middle school were my First Real Friends, and they have a special place in my heart. i hated school, but i looked forward to seeing my best friend and a few others during lunch. i looked forward to seeing rainer after school to hang out and, once we got art together senior year, i looked forward to that, too. school was definitely still difficult and nothing could really change that (unless the admin helped me but they didn’t), and some friends definitely had their… faults… (i dealt with my fair share of friend drama) but friends, overall, did make going to class easier.

when we were finally reaching the final few months of senior year, the stress got worse. it got to the point that i can vaguely remember what happened within this time frame, and this only happened over a year ago. what i do remember though, was that at some point, i had to start taking night classes to have more time dedicated to my missing credits. this happened after school for about three/four hours, and i was only getting more tired. i remember crashing on the first day and breaking down over feeling myself being stretched thin and feeling absolutely hopeless. what made it worse was me trying to open up to my best friend at the time about how i felt only to be met with disregard. i don’t think they remember this now, but i do, and it did push me away from wanting to talk about how i feel, which i heavily struggled with at the time, for a longer time. but even with this, i worked my absolute ASS off to get those credits i needed to graduate. and my lovely graduation coaches, i’ll never forget them. those two coaches were the only two, out of three, adults in the entire school who really believed i could finish my classes on time, even when i believed i couldn’t. (the other being my senior year school counselor.)

believe it or not, i did graduate on time. i even got to attend prom before this! i was told i technically needed to be on social probation due to me missing a ton of school, but with some explanations and help from my school psychologist, i got to attend prom. (though in retrospect, i felt very left out.) for my graduation though, i had to attend a mandatory senior bootcamp, an extra two weeks granted to seniors who needed to catch up on credits. by the end of these two weeks, i was done with EVERYTHING except one class, which i had done over half. my graduation coach had known me the entire time i slaved over finishing my missing classes and saw how determined i was to finish. she wasn’t going to let me not graduate over this and i will forever remember this. she contacted my school counselor, and they were able to fill out a grade change form for me.

i was never considered a senior during my senior year, but i finally was on the last day of the senior bootcamp. sure, i never got a school id indicating i’m a senior and i never got to enjoy senior privileges (which… i’m totally not petty about [sarcasm]) but i finally qualified to graduate. i’d be graduating on time, and i’ve never felt more relieved. (there was one more hiccup, but it was quickly resolved.) i finally felt like i could just… relax. the ceremony itself felt a little weird and i left out once again, watching the students chosen to give a speech talk about things that could never apply to me. (i never bounced back from the pandemic like they and others did, my academics suffered even once we came back.) i felt quietly envious of those on the stage who were regarded as some of their best students.

but i was out. i actually made it out with my diploma in hand after believing i never would. i have it hung up on my wall now because i’ll be damned if i don’t show it off after fighting tooth and nail for that thing. i graduated june 2023, and that will forever be cemented in my head.

from june 2023 to now, it’s been nothing but unearthing traumas and doing my best to heal. it’s been really, really hard though. my in-school therapist was a part of a service where i was allowed to continue seeing him, so i had continued sessions with him. something i had never realized the entire time i had been in school was how heavily masked (autistic masking) i was, especially after elementary. the reason why i wasn’t as sensitive at school as i was at home, why i spent so much time preparing for how i’ll interact with others, why i was so hypervigilant with how i came off to people (my tone of voice, my facial expressions, my body language, etc.), why i never talked about my special interests as much as i would to my friends despite having having little keychains of my special interests… i was masking. and heavily so, it got to the point that masking all day, in an environment that was constantly bright and loud and i had to socialize constantly in, wore me down so badly that i could never do anything once i got home. i just went straight to bed. and this became Very Much Apparent after graduation. i crashed and was exhausted for months. now knowing i had no more school, and since i had no job, i spent most of my time for months in bed just recuperating. this is also when my biggest insecurities told hold, since feelings i didn’t really let myself Fully feel during school resurfaced now that i Could.

now that i’ve graduated, and so has everyone else around me, the next thing people were thinking about was college. this was my first major hurdle i had to push through, because obviously i wasn’t going to college, but everyone around me was. i became incredibly insecure about the fact that i didn’t have anything planned for myself like everyone else did. i felt so increasingly left behind. despite this though, i didn’t force myself to go. i had no money to attend anyway, so it worked in my favor. and thank god i didn’t go. initially, when everyone started going to college, i was increasingly worried, but it eased over time. i did have to experience my long-time best friend leaving me behind for months and not communicating with me, and it did and still does hurt. but that, compared to what i dealt with while in school, is much preferred. during this time, rainer had made sure to at least be someone constant for me, anyway. so i at least had, and still do have, someone there for me.

after years of trying to avoid and invalidate myself, i’ve finally come to accept the fact that i do deal with academic trauma and am also autistic. well, i’m still accepting me being autistic, but i’m getting there. i spent YEARS agonizing and distressed over things i could not control all because of me being autistic and depressed, and i had my own control taken away by those who were supposed to help me. i was a child. i was a Whole Ass Kid who was viewed as Lazy and Bad and as Not Trying Hard Enough despite me pushing myself beyond my own limits to the point of hurting and traumatizing myself. i dealt with stressful bad dreams regarding being in class again, or being left behind, or not doing good enough for ages, and i still sometimes do. i still talk a lot about the shit i dealt with during school because of how much it’s hurt me. it’s quite literally Changed Me As A Person. did you know i wanted to go to college? at first it was for psychology or something to be a social worker or a therapist, but that was before things got really bad. when i realized i couldn’t due to the work load, i wanted to go in for an illustration degree and be a cartoon storyboarder. neither obviously never happened, and frankly, i don’t have the drive for either anymore. i’m still an artist, that has and will always be a part of me, especially since it’s my main coping mechanism, but going to college is something i no longer have the energy for.

sometime after i graduated, in august 2023 i believe, i met up with an old teacher of mine. she had been a teacher of mine in elementary school and has always been someone who had always believed in me. she knew me before i was me. we met up so we could sign up for a ceramics class together (she was paying I Am Poor), and i wanted to try since that was one of the classes in high school i was enrolled in but didn’t go due to my exhaustion. however, all the seats were filled so we just went to a café together. she had told me about a friend of hers (which i met once in 4th grade) who was in a local organization that helps young adults gain experience for jobs and whatnot, and i was interested in meeting her because i knew i was going to have trouble starting shit myself. it just so happened that said friend was in that same café too. things just aligned for me that day, really. we talked more in depth about what she does, and they sent me the resources to be part of that organization. i was really lucky, and i am forever grateful to the people that i know who are connected to stuff like this and connect me to them.

things just kinda fell into place after that. it’s the end of 2024 now, and i can say that i’m content with myself more than ever. even though i dealt with friendship fallouts, there are others who stayed. rainer was one of these friends, along with another friend a part of this same friend group. we’ve gotten closer, too. rainer even takes me to therapy and hang out after too, how fun! (i cannot drive… but it’s okay i look forward to being in the car with him every week.) i kept in contact with a few people from high school that i have friendly conversations with sometimes. i’m starting a job soon at my local library that i’m excited to start. i’m reaching five months on T. my life is quieter. it’s nice.

i won’t deny that i’m still working on myself, obviously. i still get really insecure about my place in relationships with people, that i’ll be left behind. there are nights where my insecurity regarding not being enough gets to me. i still ruminate and overthink about things i shouldn’t be. i still emotionally self-harm myself. i catch myself catastrophizing sometimes. sometimes it feels like i was comfortable in the depression i was in. and the biggest one, i feel like all of this is just too good to be true sometimes, that i’ll go back and not be able to get out. i get angry and upset at myself for this shit, and cry over this shit often too. i’m very emotional and things get to me easily. but i choose to continue anyway and trust that things will be okay. i don’t want to go back to the hell hole i was in. there is no looking back if there’s nothing to look back at, anyway. at least, not really. plus, i fought too goddamn hard to get where i am now, i’m not messing this shit up. i like my present and my future right now.

so that’s where i am now. we’re reaching new years now, and 2025 is looking promising for me. hopefully, at least. i’m happy with myself right now. i’m in a better place and have the space to be better. i’ve been unmasking too and learning who i really am outside of a traumatizing environment. i didn’t know i was as emotionally sensitive as i’ve come to find out i am, but i found that out. i got myself noise cancelling headphones for when things are too loud for me to handle. it’s easier to love and show that i love people now. and, because of how harsh high school was to me, i’ve at least learned how to confront people and try not to let myself just Take Shit like before so… there’s that, too.

i’m not sure how to end this, but i like my life. and that’s crazy to say considering i didn’t even care about what happened to me during school. i got lucky regarding certain circumstances. it’s only been almost two years since i’ve graduated, and i just hope my healing journey continues alongside those i love and the opportunities i’m given continue to stay, i’ve had enough of losing things and not having control of my own life. that and i hope this new year is kind to us. that’s all i wish for.

okay thank you for reading, it was so great finally being able to put shit i’ve been thinking about for years onto words… and admitting i’m traumatized because of school is cool too, i don’t think i’d ever been able to say that. i hope this was an enjoyable read, gave some insight into me, or something else, i don’t know. don’t expect me to shut up about this though, i’m still working my way through shit. ok thank u YAY

[artist-rat]

i miss them sm!!!!

[noolsart]

LOOK I JUST REALLY ENJOY THEIR FRIENDSHIP OK?? You can't tell me they wouldn't hang after their respective personal quests (spawn ending ofc)/emotional breakdowns over their own mortality

EDIT: I forgot to watermark these so now more than ever PLEASE don't repost

[hoshizoralone]

reflection

[silosbears]

i think alphonse would still experience depersonalization and dysmorphia even after getting his body back

[akanemnon]

Worth a shot

FIRST - PREVIOUS - NEXT

MASTERPOST (for the full series / FAQ / reference sheets)

[deskatt]

kids

[surreal-duck]

this one goes out to a certain middle schooler who wouldve been eviscerated on the spot by woke miraculous

[rayveneyed]

nanami kento is the kind of man that makes people swoon without even realising it.

he's the kind of man to walk into a luxury store after work, suit jacket folded over one arm and a bouquet of flowers in the other -- his blonde hair still mostly perfect from the high-end pomade he uses. he scours the shelves, frowning to himself, while the attendants whisper and giggle amongst themselves near the tills -- an argument over who will be the one to talk to him, because he's intimidatingly pretty.

("just look at him," one whispers. "he's definitely buying something for a girlfriend."

"a wife," another disagrees. "c'mon. he's giving husband vibes."

someone hums. "but i can't see a wedding band."

"his mother, maybe?" says one other. "oh, i love when guys come in shopping for their mother."

"nobody's mother is getting a bouquet of a hundred red roses--")

eventually, one of them is volunteered as a sacrifice -- smiling and sweet as all attendants should be, she clears her throat. the others, crowded around the till, watch the exchange closely. "excuse me, sir. is there anything we could help you with today?"

her mouth is dry and her hands are clammy -- and when he fixes her with those narrow, burning eyes, her throat bobs.

"ah, yes." and his voice is deep and gravelly and drawling, and her stomach turns. she can only imagine what her coworkers are thinking -- hell, she can only imagine what she's thinking. her mind has stopped short. "my girlfriend likes this brand quite a bit. i thought i'd pick her up something..."

disappointment brews in her stomach -- and it's stupid, she knows it's stupid, because obviously a guy like that is taken. and -- she glances down at the roses -- obviously he treats her super fucking well. of course he does, because why wouldn't he? "oh, perfect! do you have anything in mind?"

"well, actually..."

he ends up buying one of the priciest gift boxes available -- fancy body care and perfume laid out in their signature boxes, decorated with ribbon and dried lavender -- no argument, no fight. he doesn't look for something cheaper, doesn't try to haggle or remove something to decrease the price. he adds, and adds, and adds -- and when she mentions a special offer at the till, a little add on for an extra 2000 yen, he accepts it readily. he inserts a black card into the card machine (of course, a black card), takes the beautifully wrapped bag, and thanks the girls for their services -- and just as he's leaving, his phone rings.

of course he answers the phone with hello, darling. of course he begins to ask his girlfriend about her day, the girls think with some amount of annoyance -- of course. maybe the curse of retail isn't entitled assholes expecting you to wait on hand and foot for them -- maybe it's the handsome men coming in to splurge on their girlfriends while you're painfully single and working for pennies.

[egophiliac]

did this as a quick scribble at like 1 AM last night and...immediately lost all motivation to ever clean it up. ( ᐛ ) but I had to draw my son being the fanciest little flower boy who ever threw petals down an aisle. oh my god.

[unraveling-plot]

The Murderbot Diaries was like here's a person. The person doesn't feel like a person.

The person is starting to believe it's a person, and its pronouns are still it/its. It's uncomfortable with eye contact, it hates being touched, it doesn't like social interaction, it doesn't have great control of it's facial expressions. And the person's friends all know this and respect it, and it can show affection how and when it feels and it's ok if it isn't "normal." It isn't questioned or doubted in its care because of this.

The person processes emotions through media, and uses it to figure out what to do in social situations. It has complicated feelings about what it was meant to be and reconciling that with who it wants to be. It doesn't always feel like a person but it's starting to accept that it is one.

Also it has laser weapons in its arms.