#why does my brain come up with this stuff?

[vio1315]

I want to share my white noise solution in case anyone falls into the same niche as me.

I've always liked having a fan/white noise to sleep to in order to block out other sounds, but lately have found my white noise machine has a secret frequency that I can hear sometimes that might be causing me some brain fog issues???

So to remedy this I thought getting something that makes noise with water might be a good idea. But all the indoor ones are really quiet, and it's hard to tell from online listings if people are just putting a mic up close or etc.

(Note, my solution is more about muffling than being loud enough to fully override)

So here's my set up:

I got a tabletop fountain that is meant to simulate rain. While I don't necessarily recommend this one, it's what I have and so what everything I say is going to be based around: [Amazon link]

The 'calming cloud by mindsight'

The first thing to know is that yes! These things are way too quiet. Out of the box, the sound of it was easily overwhelmed by someone in the other room using an electric toothbrush.

So basically I got heavy duty aluminum foil (if you're sensitive to sound I recommend using some kind of hearing protection for this because it genuinely hurt so much) and used a bowl to get the foil in a circular shape. You want the excess to come upwards to block out the sides, because it Will have considerable splash from this. Use a toothpick to put some holes in it, you don't need that many.

Do not use any splash pad, stick that foil right in there and set up the sides to fit inside. For the gaps, I just took a piece of foil and taped it to the top to further block the water from splashing out.

This is considerably louder! Not as loud as a fan, but it's enough to keep sounds from inside my house from driving me insane. Note that the pitch of the water is a little high. You would need a different kind of material to get it lower, probably harder to work with etc. I have tried glass and it is not very loud.

The sound is surprisingly repetitive for something physical like this, so some troublesome holes I blocked off if they were a little too incessant. Holding onto the splash pad is good for this so you can silence any you don't like.

You will need to refill the water as it will evaporate over time. You may even wish to clean the foil eventually or replace it. The one I have will automatically shut off after 3 hours also.

If you use this, please do not put chemicals into the water. I'm not that positive, but this stuff might be something you end up inhaling, so I really feel it's best to just clean it sometimes

Also, yes it is ugly. I find that putting a lampshade over it doesn't impact the sound much.

A lot of cons which is why it's a niche, but the pro is that it does indeed help with the brain fog thing I was experiencing! So maybe someone else could benefit too.

“if you’re sensitive to sounds when sleeping, just use earplugs!” i cannot stress enough that the sensory feeling of having my ears fully blocked AND now being able to hear my own heartbeat and breathing and every other sound that’s happening inside my own body is a million times worse than whatever ambient noise may be keeping me awake

[archangeldyke-all]

Papa me want more movie (paramedic sevika) 😞

okay baby here comes the airplane vrooom

men and minors dni

sevika is very protective of her ambulance.

unless you're her patient and she's in the back to treat you, sevika's usually the one driving the rig to the hospital.

it's her baby. when she's not working, silco's the other paramedic driving it. the two of them are precious about the truck, like it's a living creature. they text each other updates during their shifts; if they filled it with gas, when the last stock up was, if the brakes have been sounding squeaky, stuff like that. like it's their baby they're co-parenting, or something.

before she met you, her phone lock screen was just a picture of the ambulance under a sunset. she's such a dork.

so you know sevika's lost her mind when she shows up to pick you up from work in the ambulance.

"sevika. what the fuck." you laugh as she leads you to the giant red truck. she giggles and shrugs.

"gotta take the old gal in to get her oil changed, figured i'd treat my girl to a spin around the block."

"and i'm i the old gal or the girl, in this situation?" you ask. sevika grins and pops open the passenger's side door for you.

it's surprisingly boring in the front seat. granted you've only ever ridden in the back under the influence of pain and drugs but you expected something a little more high tech than this.

"not even a gps?" you ask as sevika jumps in beside you, starting the rig up with a loud sputter from the engine. she snorts.

"what do i need a gps for? i've got the city streets memorized up here." she taps her forehead. "seatbelt." she demands.

god, she's sexy. that big brain of hers-- memorizing every street. you dart out of the passenger seat, ignoring sevika's squawks of protest to press a kiss to her cheek.

that shuts her up pretty quick. she's smiling all shy when you sit back down in your seat and pull on your seatbelt. you giggle, and she shoots you a glare.

"no funny buisness." she grunts. you giggle.

"then why's there a bed in the back?" you tease. sevika glares at you again.

"it's called a gurney, and silco will kill me if i'm late gettin' the rig to the shop."

"doesn't the department send you a replacement rig while yours is getting fixed?" you ask. she nods.

"yeah, but it's hard to find a truck as driveable and reliable as vivian."

"vivian!?" you cackle. "she's got a name?!"

"it was the sexiest name me and silco could come up with." sevika chuckles. "ran wanted it to be 'ruby' but that was way too obvious."

"you think the truck's sexy!?" you cackle. sevika glares at you again.

"baby. you better watch your tone. this is my rig you're talking about. she's been in my life much longer than you."

"oh my god, i can't believe i'm jealous of a truck right now."

"you don't need to be jealous, i'm not fucking the truck."

"you called it sexy!"

"when a vehicle this big can go from twenty to ninety miles an hour in ten seconds, stop on a dime, and carry as much life saving medicine as vivian does-- that's sexy!"

"you hit ninety?!" you screech. sevika cringes, knowing she's in the dog house now. you absolutely despise hearing about how she drives in this truck.

"no-- just-- hypothetically." she mutters, her eyes suspiciously glued to the road. you chuckle and reach over the center console-- where your favorite iced beverage is waiting for you beside sevika's pina colada slushie-- and grab her hand.

"vivian's... beautiful." you try, not sure what a proper compliment for a truck is. "she's a great ambulance. she drove you into my life. she's given me several rides to the hospital. she's protected you every day you work. i'm glad you have her in your life."

sevika smiles sweetly and drags your knuckles to her lips, kissing your hand sweetly. the action makes you feel all fuzzy and warm.

it's quiet for several moments as sevika eases to a stop at a red light, but when she's still she finally turns to study you. "what're you thinking about?"

"i don't think i've ever gone ninety before." you admit.

something about the lack of judgement in your voice has sevika cocking a curious eyebrow at you.

"do you... wanna feel it?" she asks with a mischevious smile.

you gulp. if there's one person in your life you trust to drive a truck going that fucking fast you suppose it's sevika.

sevika's smile is only growing as she watches your nervous excitement.

"we are running late to the rig shop. had to stop for our drinks before hand... we could flick the sirens on... get there on time?" sevika offers, goading you.

you groan and shake your head in shame. "uuugh. okay, fine, but--"

you're cut off by sevika blaring on the horn and flicking on the loud sirens. in front of you, cars merge to make a path for her, and before you can even find something to hold onto sevika's slamming on the gas and taking off.

you squeal. sevika giggles. she's got a bit of a show off smile, but mostly she's focused. on the dashboard, on the road, on the oncoming traffic-- making sure everyone's stopped for her, swerving around assholes who aren't. you realize that if sevika hadn't become a paramedic she could've found a lucrative career in formula 1 racing.

"this is only fifty, drama queen." sevika laughs. you flip her off from the passenger's seat. she hits a turn and you squeal-- and then she's on the freeway, and the city is speeding past you.

"we're so fast!" you giggle. sevika grins.

"soak it up babe, next exit is ours." she laughs.

for just one moment you let go of your fear and let yourself feel exhilarated. sevika's a loon, and she's the love of your life, and you're giggling like a dizzy kid as she speeds down the exit ramp.

"oh, shit!" you gasp as sevika comes to a hard, fast stop at the bottom of the hill, the tires squealing as you somehow manage to stop for the red light.

sevika flicks the sirens off, turns on her turn signal, then turns to grin at you. you cackle.

"you're insane. you do that all the fucking time, don't you?" you ask. she giggles and shrugs.

"i get paid like shit to get shat on all day, i gotta find my perks somewhere. vivian's pretty fuckin' cool, huh?"

you cackle and nod. "she's fucking awesome." you say, admiring sevika's proud little smile. but you're not talking about the truck at all.

taglist!

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@lavenderbabu @emiliabby @sevikasbeloved @hellorai @my-taintedheart

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taglist!!

@sevikas-baby @ghostscandys @runawaybaby3 @vikasfemme @lesbones

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[twilight-amber]

One thing that I really enjoyed about the latest Deltarune chapters is how much the reveal at the end recontextualised Ralsei's character and the information he presents to us in his introduction. Below are some disjointed thoughts about that.

When Chapter 1 first released, I remember feeling that his explanation of the prophecy and how battle works (and his encouragement of a peaceful approach to resolving conflicts) seemed almost like an introduction to the rules of the world that might have to be subverted later - sort of in the same way that Flowey in Undertale initially establishes the rules of the world as "kill or be killed", which you then override by choosing nonviolence in order to reach the happiest ending.

This observation created a bit of dissonance between my Undertale player brain ("of course I want to approach all battles peacefully and spare everyone!") and my narrative-focused brain ("is the peaceful approach really the right one in the context of this story? is there some future twist that will completely recontextualise what we've been told about how the world works?")

When Chapter 2 released, I felt the dissonance less - it's painfully clear that the consequences of going out of your way to hurt people are Bad, so I felt much better about choosing the peaceful approach.

But I still wasn't sure what to make of Ralsei - why was he so insistent on us being nice to enemies, if he also believes that Darkners' only purpose is to support Lightners (as per the pre-castle conversation in Chapter 1)? Is it just because the prophecy says it's the way to go? Why does it matter so much to him?

To be clear: I never thought he was like. evil or anything. I figured he was doing the best he could with the information he had. But how accurate was that information? Could he be misguided in some way? He was clearly hiding stuff, and not knowing what he was hiding and why left some uncertainty.

But then we get to Chapter 4, and suddenly Ralsei's motivations become a lot clearer. The prophecy didn't say anything about kindness or mercy - that was his own personal advice, given in the hopes that the prophecy could be changed. He wasn't just acting according to the prophecy; he was genuinely trying to make a difference.

And now knowing that Ralsei has been encouraging Kris and Susie to be kind in hopes of altering the prophecy's narrative... it's particularly interesting in light of the fact that every chapter has a Moment where everyone you've befriended in the dark world shows up to help out - but only if you take the pacifist approach (with the exception of Chapter 2).

There's Chapter 1 with the king being overthrown. Chapter 2 with the Ultimate Group Project (Thrash Machine). Chapter 3's version of this is particularly interesting because it interacts with a part of the prophecy: Susie repairs Tenna offscreen if you recruit enough people to help (or just avoid violence?? reports seem varied on this one). The prophecy about Tenna still comes to pass (he's broken), but it's not the end for him.

And - I just found this out a day or two ago, actually - something similar happens in Chapter 4??? It seems that Jackenstein straight up falls to his death(?) in the scene just before the finale if you choose to be violent, but all the Sanctuary Darkners come to his rescue if you stay pacifist the whole way through.

Susie's comment about being nice paying off seems a lot more pointed in this context. Whether you choose a pacifist or violent approach is starting to have more obvious, more significant consequences.

At the end of Chapter 4, Ralsei makes it clear that he believes his own efforts (in guiding Kris and Susie towards nonviolence) have failed, because he was hoping that what's written in the prophecy would change, and it hasn't. But there's a big difference between "Tenna gets broken and stays broken forever" and "Tenna gets broken but is patched up and can still have a happy ending", even though both follow the letter of the prophecy. Maybe there's more than one way for that final prophecy to play out, too.

Susie's the one who has the conviction to fight against fate, but I want to believe that Ralsei's efforts had some meaning as well, even if we can't see it yet.

[hazard-haze]

Eddie and Volt headcanons (no player)

Soooooo

My brain has decided this shit is my new hyperifxation

And that these are my new comfort characters

But I heard that everyone was getting a hate ending with them and guess who got friendship with them first tryyyyyy! So uh, skill issue/j heres some headcanons for ya'll :)

-He doesn't do it often because he knows Eddie hates it, but Volt can 110% pick up Eddie and will abuse this power if he needs to

-Eddie is Volt's anger translator. It usually goes something like this:

Volt: "We are sorry you weren't satisfied with our service, but this is the best we can do and I'm going to have to ask you to leave now."

Eddie *passing by behind him*: "Pay your fucking tab and get out!"

-Volt cannot keep his hands still, he tries to play it off suave-ly (?) by just tapping his fingers and running his hand through his hair repeatedly but when he gets really excited or angry about something he will wave his hands with big, fast, eccentric gestures.

-Volt wears eyeliner, sometimes Eddie helps him put it on.

-Eddie is very talented at most things he does, fixing, building, mixing drinks (he can even do some tricks with shakers), and there's a plethora of odd things he's picked up throughout the years. However this makes him get pretty frustrated when things don't work out the first couple times he attempts something. While not the main reason, this is part of why he was so frustrated and irritable during most of his main plot. Volt sometimes has to remind him that it's okay to not have everything figured out immediately, or pull him from his work if he's starting to stress out or exhaust himself too much.

-On the topic of pulling Eddie from his work, that is a feat. Volt full well knows he can't just ask Eddie to take a break, usually he has to either ask him to do something easier as a favor, or blame the break on himself.

"Oh Eddie, I know your in the middle of something but could you wipe the bar down? I have no time before we open."

"Eddieeeee, I have no one to watch the new season of Cougar vs Cougar with! Would you take a break to and come watch it with me? Please! Just for a little bit! Just one episode!" (They got through like 2 1/2 before Eddie passed tf out)

-Oh yeah, Volt loves reality TV and Eddie pretends to not be at least a little invested.

-Eddie can draw. Volt cannot. Volt is very jealous of Eddie in this regard.

-Infodumpingggggggg. They infodump to one another without even realizing it, it is so much of how they communicate. They will ramble and bounce ideas off each other, mostly about the club but about other stuff too.

-On the flip side. They can also communicate by saying pretty much nothing, just through brief glances. I think it would partly be because they are literally split from the same thing but it's more in that way when you widen your eyes slightly at your bestie and that equates to like a full paragraph of text.

-Eddie is short af, Volt is tall af.

-Volt makes fun of Eddie for being short

-Like seriously ya know that audio that's like "I know we don't always see eye to eye" "that because your too short to do so"

-Eddie will get revenge. He can kick/punch really hard but he can also come up with some other very clever ways of revenge. Do not mess with the guy who has access to the tools.

-Neither of them really like just hard liquor. Volt likes sweeter drinks and Eddie likes quality craft beers. If either sees the other drinking something like scotch/whiskey they can usually assume somethings wrong.

-Volt has sooooo many ideas for the club, several of which are not exactly... possible. Eddie has to be the one to break the news to him that No Volt we can't break down the retaining wall of the bar and turn it into an inanimal fish tank. Why? Because without it the roof would collapse!

-Volt's love languages are physical touch and words of affirmation

-Eddie's love language is acts of service.

-Going deeper into that, Volt loves physical touch, as previously mentioned. Eddie however does not. But they make it work, Eddie can tell when Volt needs a hug or just to have someone next to him, Volt can tell when Eddie is getting overstimulated or just needs space.

-They both have their ears pierced. Volt did it for both of them.

-Eddie actually quite likes talking to people, I mean he's definitely tended the bar at some point, he just doesn't like talking to annoying people. He's sarcastic and his humor is a bit deadpan and he's more reserved, but he 100% can be very funny and hold conversations very well with patrons and even better with friends.

-That being said, bro does not chat while he works on maintenance. If anyone, including Volt, is working with him, he isn't saying shit unless its telling them what to do, or looking over their work. If someones lucky they get a "Good job."

-Neither have ever been a fan of the dark, but they especially would not be after the black out.

-They both hate silence, I mean they work in a night club, at this point it just feels unnatural.

-Kinda already mentioned this but Volt gets quiet angry and Eddie gets loud angry. If Volt goes silent, you know you fucked up. On the opposite end, it will sometimes be assumed that Eddie is mad because he's being quiet but that just how he is, if Eddie actually is properly yelling you know he's upset.

-Nerve damage babyyyyyy. It is all up Eddie's arms, contributes to why he's not super touchy because his arms get that awful pulling, itchy, pain when something touches them.

-Volt can get some nasty fatigue. The electricity fluctuates? Bro is immediately drained, head rush, migraine, the whole shabang.

-Not really headcanon but neither of them are good at admitting they need help or at accepting it when its offered.

-They both know each others triggers tho, and make sure to tell the other to rest when they need to. Neither take their own advice.

-Eddie hyperfocuses like crazy. If he sits down with his tools, something to fix and no one around he will not move from that spot for hours.

-Volt is always jumping from project to project, person to person, never slowing down. There's a lot to do in the breaker box and he is more than happy to juggle all of it.

-Both of them forget to sleep because of these facts. and eat (do they eat?). and talk to other things. and talk to each other. and-

-They would be cat people. Volt has definitely brought up getting an inanimal from Mateo but Eddie is always hesitant (even though he would 100% end up loving it to bits if they got one)

----

Ya'll I think I'm a loser. Instead of being out on a night off I am sitting in my bedroom writing headcanons about an actual breaker box in a dating sim that I'm not even attracted to, I just think their silly. What is my life T-T

[creepycranberry]

Pinched to Death

Bucky Barnes x Librarian!Reader

Synopsis: Bucky left a couple years ago with a promise to come back, a promise he failed to keep. Now he shows back up, like an apparition in your library and attempts to rebuild a relationship with you before leaving once more. This time, however, he leaves a Bob and a phone number behind.

Warnings: hurt/no comfort, angst, fluff, suggestive comments, cursing, Gilmore girls spoilers (?), not proofread

—————————————————————————

James Buchanan Barnes was possibly the most stupid person on earth. You didn’t want to seem bitter, if it meant so little to him it probably should have meant just as little to you, but the time he decides to grace you with his presence is possibly the worst time he could have chosen.

Not only because you’re pissed at him for leaving but also because you’re pissed at him for pissing off sam and subsequently having to hear about him constantly for the last year and a half.

But now he’s In your library, wearing a black tshirt that strains around his biceps and tactical pants that are sitting low on his hips and lacking the gear that tends to be put into the various compartments.

“Hey, sweetheart.” He smiles when he spots you from the library door, you give him a curt nod and continue checking books back in, putting damaged ones in a seperate pile, “you okay?”

“I get that you’re more muscle than actual brains but you can’t be that oblivious. I refuse to believe it.” You bite and Bucky's face falls, “unless you’re here to return the overdue Brontë you owe me, you can turn right around because it’s almost story time and yelling at you is going to wear out my voice.”

From behind him you hear a low whistle, “Do you need help with something Mr. Walker?”

“I can think of a few things I’d be open to you helping me with.” He quips, leaning against the desk.

“Like your ABC’s?” You blink innocently and he steps back, Bucky bites his bottom lip to avoid laughing, knowing it won’t help him at all right now.

“Listen sweetheart, I didn’t mean to leave things like that and I will make it up to you somehow I prom-“

“What do you want, James?”

“I was just wondering if you could keep Bob company. He’s a great help, and if all else fails just give him something to read and stick him in the corner.” A brown haired man waves nervously at you from behind Bucky, “Sam and I have some stuff to talk about and Bob is kind of just along for the ride so if you could-“

“Fine.”

“Thank you swee-“

“Don’t. Leave soon or I’m changing my mind.”

“Yes ma’am.” He mumbles, ambling out the door, his crew of depressed assassins following him, leaving behind a wet eyed dachshund of a man.

“You know the Dewey decimal system?” You sigh and Bob nods hesitantly, “put these away and then find a book and set yourself up in one of the study rooms, there are sodas and waters in the office, you’re free to grab one of those.”

He takes the cart you hand him and walks away, you grab a children’s book and put on a smile while heading to the colorful rug in the corner of the library.

———————————————————————

Sam just wanted a glass of water, maybe to scroll on his phone on his own couch for a while but instead he’s now looking down at you, splayed across his living room rug.

“Where’s my coffee table?”

“In front of the door.” You smile.

“Why?” Someone knocks on the front door and you giggle, “are you drunk?”

“Just a little.”

“Who’s at my door?”

“Your old-new best friend.” Your face is the picture of drunken betrayal and disgust.

Sam sighs and goes to the door, moving the coffee table out of the way. Bucky walks in, starting towards you, “what the hell?”

“Well hi!” The bright southern lilt in your voice gets stronger when you’re drunk, “if it isn’t my Knight in shining armor!”

“You locked me out?”

“Did I?”

“Very mature, sweetheart.” Bucky grimaces.

“About as mature as ghosting someone, right?”

“What does that even mean?”

“Do you two want a moment alone?” Sam cuts in, “in my house?”

“Oh no, Sammy, we’re just fine here.”

“What are you doing here anyways?” Sam asks you, sitting on his couch. Bucky leans back against the wall by the door.

“Had a date, the guy was kind of a creep so I had him drop me off here so he doesn’t know where my house is. Told him my brother lived here.”

“So you’re mad at me for leaving but you’re already dating again?” Bucky interjects.

“You mean two- three years later?”

Bucky's quiet for a minute, “yeah, congressman, I’m dating again-or trying, at least.” You mumble.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart I just got- life got in the way.”

“Life as in politics? With the government your best friend very explicitly did not trust? That life?”

“You know what-“ Bucky starts towards you but Sam gives Bucky a look that says ‘back off’.

“Or is it the ‘New Avengers’? I thought you said you were done with the whole superhero thing? And even then, you hate John Walker so what the hell are you doing there? You are going directly against everything I thought you were standing for?”

“Things got complicated and John isn’t-“

“Isn’t what? Isn’t that bad?”

“I’m doing my best, sweetheart. Things change overtime and- as you so graciously pointed out- it’s been a lot of time. I’m- things turned out differently and I’ve definitely gone against some of the things I told you but-“

“Your worst sin is that you’ve destroyed and betrayed yourself for nothing.” You quote from your place on the floor and Sam looks up.

“Gogol?” Sam inquires.

“Dostoevsky.” You correct, your eyes fixed on the ceiling, making constellations out of the dark spots.

Sam nods and Bucky sighs in exasperation, “is now really the time to utilize your literature degree?” He spits.

“Is now really the time for you to utilize your boundless powers of assholeness?” You quip and his jaw ticks as his eyes narrow, “oh, so scary.” You mumble, looking back at the ceiling.

Sam bites his lip to try and stop himself from laughing, “so I’m guessing yalls happy reunion didn’t go so well?”

“His friend hit on me.” You sigh, pressing a wrist to your forehead.

“He’s not my friend.” Bucky insists.

“Whatever you say, James. Hear that Sam? The dickwad he left us for isn’t even his friend.” You slur, exhaling for a long time, watching the ceiling spin subtly.

“Easy, girl. We’re being nice to him now.”

“She’s not a dog.”

“I’m not a dog.”

Before sam can open his mouth to apologize you glare at Bucky through wet, alcohol glazed eyes and long eyelashes, “shut up,” Your bottom lip is jutted out in a resigned pout, you turn back to Sam, “you’re being nice to him, I don’t have to follow suit just because you said so.”

“Good point.” Sam nods, leaning his head back against his couch cushions.

At the sight of your lips jutting into a pout and your eyes resigned to drunken bitterness and betrayal, Bucky can’t help but soften slightly, “I’m sorry, sweetheart.”

“You say that a lot.” You sigh, “but you never change anything.” You do one of those shaky sighs that sounds like you’ve just been crying. Buckys a sentence away from getting on his knees and moving the hair out of your face and mumbling sweet apologies and promises against your forehead,

“I’m gonna take that as my sign to head back to bed, you two have fun,” Sam excuses himself and leaves the room.

“Don’t apologize anymore.” You mumble, your eyes shining and honest.

“I won’t, I’m s-“ Bucky sighs, scratching his chin, “this might be harder than I initially thought.”

You giggle and the sound mends something lovely in him, “you’re not all that smart are you?”

“Not when it comes to you apparently.”

Bucky loved how smart you were. He loved that you could quote passages from books and name authors and basically give a dissertation on iconic literary characters and their foils. Or maybe he just liked hearing you talk.

“You left me all alone.”

Your voice is something small, petulant and utterly heartbreaking for Bucky, “I know, my dear. I’m- I know.”

He lays down beside you on the floor, his hand wrapping around your wrist, drawing circles on the thin skin with his thumb, “you haunted me, wholly.” You mumble.

Bucky smiles, you always got verbally romantic when you were sad and drunk, “I haunted you?”

“Completely. You were with me all the time, every day.” Your voice is soft but your fingers are softer as you reach up to trace the line of his eyebrows down to the tip of his nose, over and over.

“I was?”

“Mhm. I killed you so you haunted me.”

“You killed me?” His voice is low and a little rough.

“Uh-huh. You left so I killed you. I just pretend you died. Makes it easier to exist if I pretend you didn’t choose to leave me.” You murmur. Your eyes are heavy and your breathing is more even than it was when you were going to cry.

“So am I undead now?” He inquires, closing his eyes and enjoying the sensation of your hands on him again.

“Mhm. Total zombie.”

“Missing limbs and everything.” He muses, leaning into your touch, mourning it when your hand moves away from his face.

“Just the one.” You mutter, turning over to press your cheek to his shoulder. The organic one.

He wonders for a moment why he ever gave this up, why he ever gave into his impulse to do something more, to change what he could while he could. He would give it all back for you pressed against him as you fell asleep every night.

“Yeah, just the one,” he’s quiet for a moment as he realizes what you were referencing, “that’s wuthering heights right?”

He didn’t realize you were half asleep so when you startle awake again he’s insanely disappointed in himself, “hm? Oh, yeah. How’d you know that?”

“I stole it, remember?”

“Oh yeah, I need that back, James.” You insist and he laughs, “I’m serious!”

He laughs, “I don’t know, I’ve become quite attached to it.”

“If you give it back you can have my first copy from college, with all of my annotations and everything.” You wager and he smiles.

“I think I’d like that.” He grins and you readjust your cheek on his arm, wrapping your arms around it and cuddling with it. Your warmth is something he’s only been able to dream of these last few years.

This time he lets you fall asleep, making sure not to wake you again.

———————————————————————

When you wake up you’re on the couch, your head hurts and someone’s shaking your shoulder.

“Excuse me?”

You wake up to find Bob standing in front of you, “oh, hi Bob.”

“Water?” He hands you a glass and you drink from it gratefully, “Bucky left me with you again today and I thought I’d wake you up because the library is supposed to open in like an hour.”

“Oh shit.” You mutter, “I’ve gotta get home to change” you look at Bob for a minute, “and I suppose you’re coming with.”

“Just happy to be here.”

———————————————————————

“So you know Bucky pretty well, right?” Bob asks, following you with a pile of books that you could not understand how he was lifting, much less balancing.

“You could say that.” You sigh, grabbing a book from the top of the pile and putting it back on the shelf.

“Has he always been like that?”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know- like- I don’t want to say leashed but-“

“Restrained? Yeah. I mean from my understanding he was kind of suave and confident in the 40’s but a ton has changed since then.” You shrug, fixing a few books on the shelf before leading him to the next one.

“He seemed pretty confident approaching you.”

“I think that was more artifice than anything. He’s good at pretending to be something he’s not.” You insist, turning to face Bob fully, maneuvering your head to see him around the books.

“Why do you think that is?” Bob asks you. You think he might be searching for a specific answer, or maybe he’s just trying to prolong the conversation to avoid awkward silence.

“I think it’s the same thing it always is with James, survival instinct.”

Bobs quiet then, considering what you’re saying, “I’m not so sure I agree with that.”

“Why n-“

“Hey, sweetheart.” You hear from across the library and look to see Bucky walking towards you, fast food in hand.

“James. Bob, go put those in the cart.”

“Can’t I just put them up myself?” Bob suggests.

“You promise not to give me issues about this free labor thing?” You sigh.

“Cross my heart.” He says in all seriousness and solemnity.

“Then go ahead, I guess.”

He happily trots away, the mile high pile of books in hand.

“I take it he’s enjoying his time here?” Bucky asks you and you nod.

“I think he’d live here if you’d let him.”

Bucky's eyes fix themselves on the braid you’ve put your hair into, his fingers hold it gently, slipping down to the tail of it, “you could set him up in one of the study rooms with a sleeping bag and a suitcase.” He smiles, “how’s the hangover?”

“It’s great, the fluorescent lights are really helping.” You respond.

“You still mad at me?” He asks gently, moving your braid from your shoulder.

“I-I don’t know. Depends on how fast you’re leaving me this time, I s’pose.” You look up at him through your eyelashes, almost afraid to meet his eyes for the fear that they Will confirm your suspicions.

“We’re leaving tonight. I’m sorry, my dear.” The look in your eyes is almost enough to make him call off all of the plans. When you look at him like that it’s enough to have him cancel missions, pr meetings and start life over here, right here. But that’s not an option for him right now, “but I’ll come back.”

“When? In another three years? I’m not gonna just sit and wait around for you to come back for the rest of my life, James.”

“I’ll come back next month.” He assures you, moving your bangs out of your eyes, “I promise.”

“You promised last time too, James.” You mumble, hand moving up to toy with one of the zipper pockets on his jacket.

“I know, sweetheart, I mean it this time though. Let me prove myself to you,” one of his hands traces your jaw, the other focuses on the center of your forehead, “I’ll be back, and my phone number is on the napkin in the bag, just in case.”

“In case what?” You ask him, savoring the warmth of his rough palm as it settles on the side of your neck.

“In case something goes wrong, or there’s a rat in your kitchen-“

“That was one time.” You grumble and he chuckles low and deep in his chest.

“Or if you uh, if you just miss me.”

“In that case I might be calling you a lot,” his tongue peaks out to wet his bottom lip, a slow smile fixing its way to his face, “so if you’re not totally sure you might want to rescind that offer or else-“

“I’m sure, sweets.” He laughs, “now eat something, I’ll get Bob out of your hair-“

“You can totally leave him here if you want, he’s more helpful than most of the volunteers-“

“I would love to, but-“ he’s quiet for a minute and his brows meet for a second, “actually we were just bringing him along so he wasn’t home alone. I mean if he wants-“

“Really?” You ask.

“Yeah, I just wanted him to feel included because we always leave him behind on missions but he could probably use a change of pace. But he’s a grown man and I’m not like his dad so… gonna have to ask him about that.”

“Okay. Now go, before I don’t let you leave.”

Bucky kissed your forehead, right where his gaze was concentrated and then mumbles against it, “I’ll go talk to him and then I’ll head out. I’ll be back, scouts honor.”

“You’re not a scout.”

“Details, details,” he mutters, smiling easily with his gaze fixated on you, even as he walks backward in the direction Bob went.

———————————————————————

Bob ends up staying with you, more than happy to sit at the check in desk and help. He likes the routine.

He wakes up on the pullout couch in your apartment, makes sure you’re awake, gets ready for work with you, goes to work with you and comes home. He likes going grocery shopping with you, and doing the dishes together after dinner.

He enjoys the domesticity of it, life is slow and quiet here in a way he’s never had the luxury of experiencing it. You liked having a friend, someone constant. He takes walks by himself sometimes, around the neighborhood or downtown.

Bobs walking the first time Bucky calls. You’d texted him once or twice, so that he had your number and to ask about bobs strange habit of finding the smallest enclosed spaces to nap, but other than that you’d not reached out, not wanting to seem needy.

When he calls you you’re lying in bed, waiting for Bob to get back so you can order takeout.

“Sweetheart?”

“Hi, Buck.”

“Hey, baby.” You can hear his smile over the phone.

“What’s up?” You ask, turning over onto your stomach.

“Just wanted to call you. Got home and Bob wasn’t here like normal. Normally he’s done his dishes and he’s on the couch with a book or- sometimes a video game. Got him a laptop last Christmas and I’m pretty sure he exclusively plays games on it.”

“Yeah he has it here, he writes papers.” You clarify.

“Papers? Like essays?”

“Mhm. He writes about his books, sometimes about his games. Studies character foils and literary devices. They’re pretty good actually, You guys should seriously consider helping him get a degree or something.”

“He dropped out of high school, he doesn’t have his diploma.” Bucky informs you.

“Then help him get his GED.” You shrug and Bucky thinks for a minute.

“That’s not a bad idea. Do you think you could talk to him about it? You know more about all of that stuff than any of us do.” Bucky requests.

“I could help him see if that’s something he’d be interested in.”

“Thank you, sweetheart.” His voice is soft and affectionate.

“No problem, Mr. Barnes.”

He’s quiet for a minute, you don’t say anything, knowing to wait for him to get his thoughts together.

“I miss you.” He admits.

“You do?” You ask, grinning wider than you’d ever admit to.

“Mhm. Came home to an empty apartment, an empty bed. Took a shower-“

“That was empty too, I’m guessing?”

You can practically feel his hand smoothing over his face at your stupid joke, “yes, the shower was empty.”

“Good.”

“Good?”

“Mhm. I don’t know if I’d want to recontinue this if you made it a habit to have random people in your shower.” You say and he chuckles.

“Ah. So we’re recontinuing this?” He asks, an unsure shake in his voice, like he’s swallowing around his words.

“Well I- I mean I just assumed because of the phone number and the sweethearts and-“

“No no I was- I was wanting that I was just-“ he clears his throat, “just trying to see what you were thinking.”

“Well I was hoping, but if you’re not-“

“No, I am. I-i definitely am. I missed you.” He rambles and you feel the blush as it comes on.

“I missed you too, James.” You admit, your breath is shaky and your tone hesitant.

“You’re the only one who calls me that.” He points out, voice reverent In the way that he savors the sound of his rarely used first name on your tongue.

“It’s what you told me to call you.” You shrug, pulling a pillow toward you to rest your chin on.

“That’s true. I just- I like it. I like the way it sounds when you say it.”

There’s a pause where his words sink in and you can’t help but smile, “you like how I say it?”

“Yeah, I do. You say it the same way you say Dante or Tolstoy or- what was the one you said the other week? With Sam?”

“Dostoevsky?” You say it slowly, letting every syllable linger in your mouth for longer than necessary.

“Yes, him. You say my name like it- like it suggests I’m something great, like those writers you’ve studied and read the words of.”

“Because you are something great, James.” Your voice is soft and affectionate and laced with a kind of pure love that almost scares him. He’s quiet for a while, not knowing what to do with that. His brain is short circuiting in the most delicious way, “you okay, hon?”

“I’m fine. I’ve just- I forgot what it’s like to have you say things like that to me.”

“Things like what?” You laugh.

“You’re always just so- so honest.” He rasps, like you’ve knocked the air out of him.

You laugh again, “would you rather I lie to you? Tell you that you are the exact opposite of everything you are?”

“No, I just have to get used to it again. I-I like it though.” He admits, his voice soft and hesitant and lovely.

“I’m glad.” You sigh.

“Did you order already?” You hear from the bottom floor of your loft.

“Bobs home, I’ll talk to you later, James.”

“Bye sweetheart.”

Bobs footsteps ascend up the stairs.

“Bye.” You end the call as Bob comes into view, “no i did not order food I was on the phone.”

Bob smiles, falling onto the end of your bed, “was it possibly a metal armed team leader?”

“How’d you know?” You ask, sitting up.

“He called me yesterday to ‘check up on me’.” Bob sighs, stretching his limbs.

“I thought he was on a mission?”

“He called me when he got back to the hotel. But he asked me about you three separate times.” Bob informs you.

“Really? What about?” You attempt to sound nonchalant but Bob isn’t stupid.

“At first he just asked me how you were doing, I said fine. Then he asked me if you got your book back, I said yes. And then he asked me what you ate for dinner. Not ‘what did you have for dinner’ as in what did we have for dinner, he said ‘what did she have for dinner’.” Bob lists, laughing at the last one.

“He’s kind of an idiot, isn’t he?” You smile, biting your thumbnail.

“Very much so. Now, can we get food, I’m starving.”

“Fine, lead the way to the takeout drawer.”

He stands and offers you a hand, helping you up. The both of you head down to order dinner, camping out on the couch until it arrives.

———————————————————————

The next time Bucky calls is the same day and time the next week, you’re sitting on the couch with Bob and watching Gilmore girls. He’s never watched it before and it’s your comfort show so now you’re forcing him to watch it, virtually at gunpoint.

“Do I need to go on a walk?” Bob teases when he sees the name pop up on your phone.

“No, I’ll be right back.”

Bob turns up the TV volume as you walk away, a knowing smile on his face.

“Hi.” You say, settling at your desk chair.

“You took a while to pick up, hiding your boyfriend in the closet?” His voice sounds easy, casual.

“Under the bed actually.”

“Mm, should’ve guessed.” He sighs, “how are you?”

“I’m good, hanging out with Bob.”

“Ah. How many times have you made him watch Casper?”

“None. Instead we are on the third season of Gilmore girls.”

Bucky groans knowingly, you are the only reason he has any idea what that is, “poor guy.”

“I think he’s enjoying it.” You insist.

“Oh great, I’ll be hearing that theme song all the time when he gets back.”

“Are you excited?” You grin.

“I can’t express just how much.” Bucky grouses, “so you’re having fun?”

“I’m having a great time with my new best friend.”

“That was quick. You talk to him about school?” Bucky asks, you hear rustling, like he’s changing.

“Yeah. He was surprisingly open to it. I’m helping him study for the GED test.” Bucky hums at the update, “how did the press conference go?”

“It went… okay.”

“You bombed huh?”

“Alexei was great.” Bucky comments.

“James…”

“Yeah. I’m not good with the cameras and questions.” He admits.

“I know, honey.” You smile. You liked that he was endlessly awkward, you found it endearing.

“How’s work been?”

“The usual. A kid at story time yesterday swallowed a button. I have no idea where he found it but he didn’t choke so that’s, that’s something.” You tell him and he laughs, like he actually finds it funny.

“Kids are interesting.” He shrugs.

“They are,” the both of you stay quiet for a minute, “I really miss you.” You admit, whispering like if anyone else hears he’ll dissipate into thin air.

“I miss you too, my dear. Just a couple more weeks, promise.” He assures you and you make a noise that’s half whine, half audible pout, “what is it?”

“Nothing, I’m just restless. Probably.”

“Restless, huh?” His tone is suggestive enough to make your cheeks burn.

“That’s not what I meant and you know it.” You pout.

“Do I, though?” He asks and you groan in frustration.

“You’re so annoying.”

“Yeah but you miss me.” He’s smiling a big cheesy smile, you can tell. There’s more rustling,

“What the hell are you doing?”

He’s quiet for a second, “nothing, I got distracted talking to you and put my shirt on inside out, so I had to switch the shirt around.”

Now you’re smiling stupidly, “so you started this call shirtless?”

“I just got out of the shower.” He shrugs.

“The shower that was still empty, right?” You clarify and he laughs again.

“Yes, dear.” He says in that way he does when he’s trying to appease you.

“So you started the call shirtless because you couldn’t possibly wait to be fully clothed? You just had to talk to me?” You giggle and if only he could bottle a sound.

“I was trying to be efficient.”

“Mm yeah, super efficient.” You smile, spinning in your chair.

“You’re just picturing me with my shirt off, aren’t you?” He asks.

“So what if I am.” You retort and you see him licking his lips in your mind's eye.

“You make it a habit of picturing me undressed?”

“Only to paint a picture of what’s happening over there.” You assure him and he hums like he’s not so sure.

“I’m sure.” He says like he knows your lying, “I’m sure the only time you ever think to think of me without a shirt on is when I admit I’m not wearing a shirt every single hour of every single day.”

“Precisely.”

“Hey, sweetheart?”

“Yes, sir?”

“You- don’t do that.” He groans.

“Don’t do what?” You feign innocence.

“You know what, you are an incredibly smart girl.”

“You think so?”

“Sweetheart.” He says very seriously.

“Sorry. yes, dear?” You mock him and he chooses to ignore it.

“You’re something great too.” That shuts you up quickly and efficiently, “I just, I was thinking about it all and- and I wanted you to know.”

“I uh- thanks, thank you, James.” You stammer, the both of you sit and stew in the awkward silence, “did um, did you get your book?”

“Oh, yes, yes I did. I’m planning on reading it on this next mission.”

“Won’t you be too busy fighting and… jumping out of planes or whatever?”

“You have no idea what I do on missions do you?” Bucky beams.

“Not really. I thought you did a lot of jumping out of planes, just by how Sam makes it sound.” You shrug.

“I won’t be too busy, promise.” He assures you.

“I expect a full report back the next time you call. Even though you’ve already read the book before.”

“Well what’s that thing they say about you having to read things three times before you fully digest them. Plus I want to see what 19 year old you’s thoughts were about heathcliff.”

“They weren’t good, I could tell you that much.” You promise him.

“Hey- this speech is really sad- and what’s happening with Jess?” You hear a concerned voice from the lower level call to you.

“I think Bob might be having an emotional moment over Rory’s graduation speech- and the state of her and Jess’s relationship.” You inform Bucky.

“I’m never going to be able to escape this show.”

“Goodnight, James.” You laugh.

“Goodnight, my dear.”

———————————————————————

Bob came down with the flu quicker than you’d ever witnessed a fall ever. You supposed it might have something to do with his recovery.

So you were knee deep in medicine schedules and chicken and rice soup when Bucky called you. Same day, same time.

“Hi, hon, just one second okay?” You speak into the phone.

“Sure thing, sweeth-“ you set the phone down, taking the beeping thermometer out of Bobs mouth.

101.6

You smack your lips together, “still a little high, superboy. Go try a steam shower for me real quick, okay?” Bob groans in protest, “it’ll loosen all of the phlegm in your chest, babe.”

Bob sighs heavily and stands, making his way to the bathroom.

You pick the phone back up, “hey, hello, hi. Sorry, I was checking Bobs temp.”

“How’s he faring?” Bucky asks, he’s focused on something, you can just picture him at some hotel desk, pen in hand, tongue tucked between his teeth. It’s quite the visual, especially if you consider that, like last time, he could possibly not be wearing-

Not the time.

“He has a fever of 101 and he sounds like Kermit the frog.” You sigh, pushing your hair away from your face.

“Poor guy.”

“Indeed. He sounds like a buzz saw when he’s sleeping. Which is rare because he can barely breathe through his mouth.” You lean back against the messy couch bed, closing your eyes.

“And I’m guessing that so long as he’s awake, so are you?”

“It seems cruel to leave him to be miserable alone.” You mumble.

“You’re too empathetic for your own good.”

“You’re too lovely for your own good.” You hear him laugh a little and you groan, “I’m exhausted, I’m sorry, ignore anything embarrassing I might say.”

“I don’t think I will, I like you loopy.”

“You like me loose lipped.” You pout.

“Just a little.” He’s quiet for a minute, “everyone in this book is a terrible person.”

You laugh, real and big and bubbly.

“They all suck but the drama is so captivating.” You grin.

“I like your notes though. For a 19 year old you sure seemed very sure of yourself, very… set in your ways.”

“How do you mean?” You inquire, covering your eyes, hiding them in the crook of your elbow.

“If they are made of the same things why can they never be on the same page?” He chuckles.

“It was probably four am when I wrote that, I won’t lie to you. I don’t think much of it will be eloquent or thought provoking.” You smile sleepily.

“Did you like college?”

“Kind of? Had a hard time mentally but I also loved the chance to learn as much as possible. It was challenging but rewarding, fulfilling. Which is why I think Bob will also love it. He’s so smart. A little dopey but brilliant.” You giggle.

“How’s he doing with GED prep?” Bucky asks.

“He’s doing just fine, he has some trouble with memorizing but there isn’t much he doesn’t understand.”

“So he’s doing good?”

“Mhm.” You hum, exhaling slowly through your nose.

“My love?” You feel warm at the new term of endearment, you have to remind yourself to respond.

“Yes, James?”

“Just making sure you weren’t falling asleep on me.”

“I wish I was falling asleep on you. You’re always so warm.” You exhale.

“You need sleep, sweet girl.”

Another new nickname that makes your stomach flip, “I’ll sleep when I’m dead, dearest.”

“If you don’t sleep you might just turn out to be dead.”

“Not yet, hon.”

Another beat of no conversation and then, “my love?”

“I’m awake.”

“I’m sure you are, I’ve got to let you go now.” He informs you and you make a noise of indignant protest, “I know but I’ve gotta get some sleep, I’ve gotta be awake early.”

“Stupid mission.” You grumble.

“I miss you.” He says, either because he means it or to appease you.

“I miss you more.”

“Goodnight, sweet girl.”

“Night, asshole.” He laughs and then the line drops.

“I threw up again, but I did make it to the toilet this time.” Bob reenters the room, falling back onto his bed.

“I’m endlessly proud of you, man.” You say, giving him a thumbs up that makes him laugh, which turns into a cough.

“Go ahead and get some sleep.”

“I don’t want you to be alone.” You open your eyes to look at him.

“I am damn near thirty, I can take care of myself for a few hours while you get some sleep.” He insists and you nod.

“You’re right, no need to baby you, I’m gonna go ahead and get some rest.” You get up and head to bed, “but feel free to wake me up if you need me.”

“Will do.”

———————————————————————

The month feels like it’s been stretched as thin as possible, like dough that passes the window test.

It’s just one more week and then you get him back, and then he’ll prove himself, just like he said, but if he doesn’t? You shouldn’t think about that because he will, he wants to be better you should trust that.

You’re expecting the call, it’s the same day of the week, and the same time, and you’re at the library late. you sent Bob home to study because he kept distracting himself with stuff to do here. So it was just you, and your phone, and the call that just isn’t coming.

You wait all night, you set up a new display for an ‘employees choices’ area, displaying books you and Bob had picked out earlier in the week. Then you go through all of the James Patterson section which you tend to avoid doing because you can’t stand the constant push of content that makes you have to order multiple copies and then rearrange the shelf every fucking month, but you do anyways. And then you clean the study rooms, vacuum the floor and the storytime rug, repair all of the books in the book hospital and by the end of the night you end up asleep, slumped over your desk.

You’re woken up in the morning by Bob who was alarmed that you didn’t come home and laid into you about the danger of being by yourself at night with the door unlocked and how you should have at least texted him and you apologize profusely for fifteen minute straight before he sends you home to shower and change.

You’re still checking your phone every five minutes to the point where you’re starting to piss yourself off.

When you leave for work again you decide to leave your phone at home. You tell yourself it’s because it’ll be too much of a distraction but really you’re just sick of feeling pathetic because you’re once again just a girl waiting by her phone for a call and you can’t stand feeling like this any longer.

And so you go through the entire day still thinking about your phone but trying to ignore it for the most part. When you and Bob get home you check your phone to find nothing, not a missing call or even a text.

So you spend the night on the couch bed with him, watching the fifth season of Gilmore girls over again because Bob just can’t believe Rory would sleep with Dean while he was married.

“You okay?” Bob asks, hand resting behind his head while the other is splayed across his abdomen.

You shrug, blinking at the ceiling, “he didn’t call.”

“He’s probably just busy. He likes you. Really likes you, which is saying something because Bucky does not like people.” Bob tells you, hand reaching over to pat the top of your head, a welcome distraction from the tears collecting at your water line.

“Are you sure?”

“I am. But if I’m wrong I’ll kick his ass.” He suggests to make you laugh and you do.

“I appreciate that but I’m not sure if you could.”

“You’d be surprised, I’ve done it before.” He informs you and you turn to look at him.

“Really?”

“Yeah, I’m stronger than I look.” He shrugs.

“Thanks for that, Bobby.”

“Anytime. God Dean is so stupid.” He gestures to the screen, “it’s totally unfair how he treated Lindsay.”

“I wholeheartedly agree.”

You’ve never really had a lot of friends, outside of Sam and his sister, but you imagine that this is a lot like what having a best friend probably is.

———————————————————————

It’s three days past a month and you’ve pretty much completely lost hope.

You’re stuck between white hot anger and paralyzing anxiety. Because he’s a total jackass but what if something happened? What if he’s hurt? Or worse?

But also he’s a douche.

Yelena came to pick up Bob yesterday, he’s gonna come back next month for his GED test but until then it’s just you.

You’re deep cleaning the bathroom when your phone goes off. You ignore it for an hour on principle before you check it.

James: Sunday.

Sunday? It’s Monday. He’s a day late. Or a week early.

Either way you’re tired of caring.

You don’t reply, you let the read receipt do your work for you and you keep cleaning.

———————————————————————

Your apartment and the library have never been so clean, and your body has never been so tired.

You ignore the day of the week, you go grocery shopping and you cook dinner for yourself at four and you eat dinner while watching The Land Before Time. And you fall asleep there on the couch in the middle of Big Fish.

When you wake up the TV is set to the play movie screen and the theme music is playing softly through the speakers. There’s a light knock on the door, and then another one. You check the time on your phone, 7:19.

You stretch and take your time heading towards the door, you unlock it slowly and open the door just a crack , leaning against the frame.

“Can I help you, Bucky?”

“Come on. I know I’m late, just give me a chance to explain before you and Bob crucify me.” He pleads.

“How do you know bob is going to crucify you?” You ask.

“Because he told me so, while I was in the infirmary.”

“The infirmary?” You inquire cautiously.

“I was nothing major, I just got stabbed.”

You open the door fully now, taking him in. There's a bruise on his cheek and a couple cuts on his forearms, “just got stabbed.” You grumble, “come in.”

“Seriously?”

“Well the whole you getting stabbed thing now makes it rude for me to be pissed at you.” You grouse, leading him into the living room and settling back into your spot on the couch.

“Did I interrupt your nap, sweetheart?” Bucky asks you, settling at the edge of the couch.

“No comment.” You lean back, taking him in.

He’s wearing a T-shirt and some jeans that look unfairly good as they sit on his hips. You probably look like shit in an oversized T-shirt with the neck cut off and pajama pants you’ve had since you were in college.

“You feeling okay? Did you catch what Bob got?” He asks you, hand reaching out to clutch your ankle, thumb moving back and forth over the smooth skin.

“I’m fine. It’s a miracle but I never got sick. Why?”

“Nothing, you're just sittin’ so far away.” His voice is low and steady, like he’s accepting something he can’t run away from.

“I don’t want to get too attached.” You clear your throat.

“Sweetheart-“

“I will never be able to have you how I want, I think the both of us should just accept that and move on.” You dismiss him, tucking your legs under you and playing with the hair tie on your wrist.

“But you can, I can- I can give that to you, just let me prove-“

“This is was your last chance Bucky-“

“James. My name is James, you call me James, you always have.” He insists, “i would have been here if i could- if I wasn’t having to heal up I would have-“

“Buc- James, this month has been torture. I can not spend the rest of my life waiting for you to come back to me, worrying that you won’t because of some injury or because you get caught up with something or someone else or- or god forbid, something worse.” You rant and your voice becomes thick with all of the anxiety and resentment you have been feeling for the last week and the years before that.

“I’ll be okay, dear. I know what I’m doing and I’ll come back to you, always.” He promises. He sounds panicked, and a little sad.

“James, I love you.” You whisper and his breath catches, “and I will always be yours but you won’t always be mine. When you leave I stay yours, I stay belonging to you because you are welded to my existence in a way that is irreversible but when you go and you live in the world you live in you are theirs, all of theirs. There are people who look up to you as a symbol of resilience, you are representation for so many people and you don’t even realize it because you are not of the world the way the rest of us are-“

“I don’t understand- I- I love you I belong to you-“ he looks so lost, so panicked, he’s reaching out for you and you let him because you don’t have the strength to push him away when you’re breaking his heart. He pulls you fully into his lap, he holds you there and moves your hair out of your face and searches your eyes for some acceptance of his statement but you won’t give it. Instead your eyes are filled with apologies and a sort of pleading he’s never seen before.

“This is my life James. It is this apartment, and my library, my books and these worlds I force myself into because I’ve never been very good at being a part of the one I was born into. You are saving that world, you are a figure that- that is so much to so many people. You belong where you are. Hero looks good on you, because you are one. You were born one. From being a kid saving Steve from himself to being a soldier to becoming the embodiment of resilience and survival, you have always and will always be a hero and I-“ you blink away tears, holding onto him because he’s holding onto you and you can only hurt him the one way, you were built to offer comfort to him and so that’s what your hands do as they move over muscle and scar tissue, “I have never been anything worth taking note of, I am meant for this small, quiet life and- and nothing more.”

“No- I am meant for you, I’m meant for this- I love you,” hot tears fall from his eyes like they’re abandoning ship, “I am meant to come back to you, I- I am meant to haunt you closely, personally. ‘Don’t leave me here where I have no hope of finding you’,” he paraphrases, “I need to be able to find you.”

He holds you to his chest like he can pack you into his wounds like gauze, like he can make you heal him.

A quiet sob breaks through your chest, you move off of him, resisting the hands that are holding onto you like salvation.

“You should go, James. You need to leave, please.” You cry, wiping tears from your eyes.

“Ple- please don’t make me. Don’t make me leave you, please, I’ll stay, I’ll stay here and I won’t ever go anywhere else.” He pleads, standing just to fall onto his knees before you like a painted depiction of tragedy.

“And that’s why I need you to leave. You’re not meant to stay here, My Dear.” Your voice shakes. You move his bangs away from his face, taking in all of his features like you will never see him again because you are determined not to, not for a long long time.

You lift his head to kiss his trembling lips, tasting the salt that coats them and it makes you break all the more. He kisses you back through quiet whimpers, devouring you like he can keep your lips to himself forever.

“Go, James.” You whisper against him, “I’m still yours, I’ll still be yours.”

He pulls away to look at you, just looking at you for a moment that is worth the lifetime with him you’re giving up.

“And I’ll be yours.” He assures you, “even when I am everyone else’s I will be yours, my dear.”

He gets up then, lifts himself off of his knees and stares at you as you avoid his gaze, willing yourself not to look at him because then you will take it all back.

And you stay there in your place long past the earth shattering moment the lock clicks.

It feels like the loudest sound you’ll ever hear, like a drum that won’t ever stop beating.

[lazylittledragon]

ok someone please correct me if i'm wrong but am i weird for thinking those 'audiobooks don't count as reading' posts are ableist as fuck????

[morninkim]

As a show of good faith toward the remaining Decepticons at the beginning of a new, united Cybertron, newly appointed Senators Bumblebee and Soundwave allowed Shatter and Dropkick to enlist into Autobot City's Defense Team.

These two turned out to be... not the best choices.

The city may have fallen to Insurgent Decepticon occupation had it not been for young recruits Hot Rod and Arcee's accidental interception of Shatter's communication with the fugitive Starscream.

To replace the errant Defense Team members, Springer and Blurr were reassigned from Iacon to Autobot City in their stead.

[mayonnaisevibes]

I spent way too much time on this terrible thing

[made-my-peace-with-all-the-bad]

I say once again, that if I was even a SLIGHTLY better writer, ao3 would not be prepared for me

[claire-starsword]

Authentic Story of the Shining Force - Saint Fencer Max - Chapter 4

Translation notes:

This is the last boob joke. We're free at last.

Here's the retranslation of every scene with the Spring of Recollection in the game. Overall, her speech here is fairly close to what she says in Waral in-game, with a few details from her final appearance sprinkled in, like her care for Cain. It does misses a few nuances though, like the Legacy being more than just Dark Dragon.

I don't think I've ever seen art of the Spring, but notably, she gets a portrait in the GBA version, and it looks a lot like the manga design, with the slightly wavy hair and especially the blank eyes.

Obviously, the manga rushes through the plot since it's short, thus a lot of places are skipped. I didn't even feel like pointing them out before. However I will point out Waral not being here this time, because Waral happens to not be in the beta map either, and it has very contradicting lore between the ASCII guide and the World Book, meaning it might have not been well developed. Besides, Chapter 5 is very weirdly structured. You get two ship battles that are basically the same, you get to Waral by accident, you advance the plot by going to Ring Reef for no reason and everyone telling you it's off-limits while letting you waltz in anyway, and hardly anything happens in the shrine besides you hearing about the Manual, which is not even a big deal because you get to Rudo by accident later (two ship accidents!! why repeat this plot point!!) and would go to Dragonia anyway to help Bleu. Basically, I obviously can't prove it, but it wouldn't surprise me if the ocean shrine was initially thought off as only a plot scene, and the battles/town added much later for gameplay reasons.

Perhaps worth mentioning, the GBA version also makes a point to mention that Max got lost in the shrine alone, and everyone was worried about him, which does remind me a lot of the ship scene here.

uh oh. i hit image limit for the first time and i don't wanna remove either of these pics. more notes on a reblog later.

[rellbot]

oughh my brain did not pick the right person to focus on 24/7

[watermelonlovershigh]

Can't stop thinking about waking up before Harry, him peacefully asleep beside you, and you lean over and place very gentle kisses to his closed eyelids. Him slowly fluttering his eyes open with a sleepy grin on his face. Then is lips pucker out, silently asking for a kiss on the lips next.

[keeps-ache]

mm i Neeed to go the beach

[cleocatrablossy]

Absbevejishevebsb

Fucking great. Staying in California for summer might now be fucking up my holidays. Because I only get to see some of my cousins during the break that I’m in California and now my stepmom wants me in Texas for part of that break. Because I can see them “any time”. I see them once a fucking year. I can only really ever see them once a fucking year, the only exception ever was for my uncles birthday when we all went to Vegas. Otherwise, it’s once a year. And I can “always come back” to Texas if my summer plans don’t work out, LIKE FUCK THAT. The summer plans are: ‘stay in California and hang out with friends and my mom and just not be homesick for once. Also as a bonus maybe pull off getting a job. And go down to the boardwalk and hike’. THERE IS NO WORLD WHERE THE KEY PARTS OF THIS WON’T WORK OUT. But I keep only citing getting a job, and a volunteer opportunity, and summer classes to get ahead a bit as my reasons for staying. Maybe I should just stop sparing their feelings and say I just want to stay in California, because that’s where my whole fucking life is. And despite their best efforts, Texas is not my home and I don’t like being here. I’m only not having a breakdown because with enough hiding in my room and going on hikes I can convince myself it’s sort of like back home. And I can spend enough time on the swing that my brain just stops long enough that it’s not hitting fully.

At least I only have 1 more full day of this. Then on Sunday I’m catching a plane right back home. And today I’m joining a call with me friends to finally finish our D&D campaign, but it’s not going to be the same because it’s going to be over a call and we’re going to have to mind my 6 year old brother.

Holy fucking shit. Someone should have warned me that the custody issues would be the worst part of having divorced parents, maybe I would have been able to convince them not to move. Maybe that would have made it worse

[izzy-b-hands]

Got all excited last night bc i saw a post from a mod on the gta o subreddit abt the Halloween update being set to drop today around 5 AM (backed up by at least two gaming websites that had stories also stating the same start time and date)

Went in today ready for Halloween and uh. Nothing lol

Checked the actual Rockstar website and there's no mention of it, just that RDR o is getting a Halloween update this week

If i was a betting man I'd start a pool on how late in the month it'll be by the time the gta Halloween drops lmao

(also a pool on how likely it is the mod is lying; as they continue to insist they have access to all the usual Halloween stuff in GTA o today and that everyone who doesn't must not know how to restart their game to see if that changes anything, or maybe they didn't click play on GTA but a different game in their library? Which is insulting af, especially to the guy with the flare that shows he's at a level so high in the game that i frankly didn't know existed, who called them out and asked if maybe they didn't get confused and thought gta and rdr were both getting the update at the same time. Person was nice abt it, just asked plainly and said it was ok if that was the case, but that it would be helpful for others to know. poor dude immediately got piled on by the mod for it but like. he's right lmao. if that's the case it's fine! mistakes happen! but stop insisting you have access to something seemingly no one else trying to play online does!)

[airenyah]

oh i just remembered the dream i had last night. for some reason my friend, like... turned into baguette???????