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loserchildhotpants · 1 year ago

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I just wanna say, I ADORE your fic “What Used to be Mine”. I reread it whenever I just need to feel a cathartic ache and relief. So I have a numbered list of thoughts that have popped into my head each time I do:

the title is a reference to is a reference to the “Healing Incantation” from Tangled, right? Have you seen any of the animated series? Because it’s set post Movie and there’s a “Decay Incantation” (something something every light has a shadow etc) that makes me think of Dean in this fic, and how he’s mentions he realized he was “rotting” in his room. The Incantation goes “Wither and decay, End this destiny, Break these earthly chains, And set the spirit free, The spirit free” * so…yeah, in my head he’s been chanting this at himself the whole fic basically haha ☹️ (also the healing spell is a bit more…selfish? And the decay spell is more…sweeping/broad? “Give back what’s mine vs Set it Free” hmmm 🤔)

Also with the title, it makes me think of “She Used to be Mine” from the musical Waitress, it’s a lament of the titular Waitress (who loves baking pies for her diner and that’s the only positive thing she has left she at this point) over the loss of who she used to be, how life and her job and her dirt bag abusive leech of a husband have drained the life and vitality from herself. She’s mourning the person she was, that she considers separate and dead from herself now, but the issue is she’s pregnant now and she doesn’t know what to do, so she’s singing to her unborn baby (the line “…but now I got you. You’re not what I asked for” is to the baby) that, “that old me would have been a good mom to you, but not me” and a faint hope maybe this will situation will make her try and not just accept her life now. I don’t know that Dean has ever liked himself enough to be nostalgic for who he used to be but it does give me Dean&Jack feelings, maybe the nostalgia for old Dean was a Dean that has an alive Cas, that Dean could have been good to Jack. But if we make the “you’re not what I asked for” more general could be Dean to Cas (especially in like a 2014 Dean to say a later canon Cas… maybe a AU where Dean does die post Soul Bomb and that Cas meets a 2014 Dean that survived Samifier?) sorry tangent lol

I adore your Garth and I like to imagine post fic a lovely gentle family supper with Cas meeting Cas jr and Garth being so very happy to see Dean doing better. And that they do those suppers at least once a month as a reward for Garth doing all he could to keep Dean doing, all his favorite people in his pack sharing a meal

a) Speaking of post fic and the people looking after Dean, I do wonder about Sam once he finally learns Dean is alive and so is Cas. Either we get our patented Emotional Bro Moment ™ and slow path to healing. Or like, Sam sees Dean is alive and ok and so is Cas and Sam, who I assume has been feverishly hunting for Dean 24/7 since he ran away, is like, “you good Dean? Cas you staying with him? Ok I’m going to the Bahamas for a month talk later bye” and 4 b) does Sam ever find out just HOW bad off Dean was when Cas found him or is that just between Cas and Dean?

I adore just how NEEDY Dean is for Cas once he’s back and ooohh delightful co-dependency and it’s just so so Dean. I like to imagine he gets better about needing Cas touching at all time but he’s still always clingy. And that he sometimes just NEEDS as close as possible (nightmares, post a dangerous situation, Cas got away from Dean in the grocery store for too long, etc) and maybe Cas is like, “Dean if I could I’d be as close as possible all the time but unless I possess you I won’t be able to do [x]” and Deans like “…yes”. Because what could be closer? Maybe not full time and Dean likes Cas’s body a LOT but maybe as a sometimes thing Dean needs to feel Cas in every cell of his body and soul AND go to the post office/interview someone for a hunt (if Dean ever does hunt again even occasionally) so Cas hops into his body for an internal bear hug since he can’t do so externally without people lookin’ funny as they shuffle along

I might remember other things but again! love this fic so much! Sorry for rambling so much!

❤️❤️❤️

*vid of the Decay incantation here https://youtu.be/_jZ6LTmyW6U?si=8tSj36trhI5H-7uP (here they found the new Incantation and are like, what does it do/can we use it to defeat [insert big bad here]? And this is the result oops. There are even more Incantations but they have SPOILERS, as it’s about 2 different powers (Sun Drop/Moon Stone) struggling for balance etc etc it’s a 3 season show with LORE and it’s vry good. The LORE around the Moon Stone is why Rapunzel has her long hair back because she touched some magic moon stuff and the her hair grew back and…)

Oh! I wasn’t the only one to connect “She used to be mine” to Dean, here

It works very well it turns out!

But as a bonus question, do you think there’s a version of Dean that the Dean at the end of the show would nostalgically think was “good enough” for Cas? As like another denial tactic, where Dean of now is like, “yeah Cas loves me and I love him but as I exists now I don’t deserve him like I would have before I [pre Hell, before Dean was Jack's John Winchester (even temporarily), Pre Michael, Pre Divorce arc, etc], but now I just gotta stay just friends for his own good”.

Thanks again for writing a fic like “What used to be mine” that gets my brain whirring and my heart fluttering

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Hello, anon!!

Tumblr isn't letting me format this answer at all, which is super fun and has been just a joy to repeatedly struggle w! I'm gonna try to keep my points short since this is a v long post lol

Firstly, your meta is v cool and i hate to disappoint you, What Used to Be Mine was chosen arbitrarily as the title bc it was on the mood playlist I made while writing the fic, and then i was struggling for a title, opened the playlist, and it was the first song title i saw (and yes, it's the version from the Broadway show lol)

I love Garth, he's under-utilized T A T

As for the reunion scene, I've actually thought a lot about this. Tbh i'm bad at being succinct lol and I just knew that if I *wrote* the reunion scene, it'd be another 20k words, and I had too many WIPs going on at the time to dedicate energy and time to that.

In my mind, I think the reunion would be complicated. I don't think Dean and Cas would tell Sam how bad it got - Dean runs away, in part, to protect Sam from seeing him at his absolute lowest. He's parentified and wouldn't want to put that on Sam. So, I think ultimately, Sam would be told that he doesn't need to worry about the why or how, just be glad Cas is home and Dean is okay, and he'd be reluctant at first, and then kinda pissed off.

What he dealt with, with Dean in that fic, was emotionally exhausting. And then he was kind of abandoned. Being told to just shut up and smile wouldn't go over well w Sam, and it might take Garth's intervention to smooth things over, and remind Sam why it's a bad idea to poke at wounds like that, and to just let Dean have his privacy. With how codependent Dean and Sam are, i think it would just make Sam v angry that he's being shut out of the conclusion of MONTHS of agony for them both, but he'd eventually, gradually, release the resentment he might feel over it.

I like to think the Cas/Dean reunion scene in What Used to be Mine is a reflection of how they met in Hell; Dean not believing it, then fighting it out of fear or realizing he's being saved and not wanting to be, and then finally acceptance and surrender -- the neediness at the end i meant more to be... idk. like. upsetting? it's Dean at his most fearful and his most repentant. everything's always disappearing on him, people and opportunities and he felt what it was like to have even the memory of Cas stolen from him, so that moment, when he's sobbing and on his knees and clawing at Cas to get closer, it's more a sad, animal reaction than what i imagine as Dean being needy. but also i get what you're describing and i love needy!Dean in fic lol

im not entirely sure i understand what your last question is, but if im understanding it; i am sure a post-canon AU argument could be made for Dean circumventing any romance w Cas bc he feels undeserving, that's v in-character tbh. Dean's self-hatred is integral to a lot of plot on spn lmao it would stand to reason that Dean could, in theory, work through the shock and fear of being attracted to Cas, feeling that intensely for his best friend, who is a supernatural AND guy-shaped, and he might even accept all those things and come to the conclusion that he reciprocates romantic love, and then self-sabotage bc he's self-punishing. That absolutely tracks

I'm so so so so so glad you enjoyed What Used to be Mine!!!! ; u ; it means so much to me when folks talk to me abt my fics like this, i love seeing meta and talking abt the details and what-if's!! i hope i answered all your questions :333 feel free to send more any time u wanna talk abt any of my fics!! this really brightened my day ; u ;

#ask #anon #answered #melanie writes #my stuff #long post

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faithdeans · 2 years ago

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fic recs let's gooo

these some of my personal favourite long-form/multi-chap fics

***please mind the tags! the horror fics are kinda fucked up and i know that isn't for everyone so just make sure you know what you're about to read ps i might make a separate list for other horror fics?***

under the cut because there are so many sorry and i added comments because i can't shut up apparently.

so, in alphabetical order....

The Cheapest Room In The House by biggaybenny [E | 89k]

what if instead of a very sincere and earnest love confession dean just found out cas was gay? no confession, no god-jack endgame. just post-s15 stupidity. just dean being deranged. the dean downloads grindr for cas fic

you know it, you love it. thee chaotic boy besties fic with parts that will also rip you open

Fenario by ftmsteverogers (@/sodomitecastiel) [E | 47k]

“We did good, Dean,” Sam says. “We got him back.” Dean huffs a hollow laugh, because yeah, that’s always what it’s about, isn’t it? Cas or Sam or Dean getting themselves lost or dead, and then taking turns dragging each other back from the brink. He shrugs, shoving his hands into his pockets. “We got him back, yeah,” he says. Sam nods, watching him. “So now what?”

once again you know it and you love it. THEE lake house fix it fic. also love that they are jewish and you can tell how much of the author's heart clearly went into this. one of those fics where it will ususpectingly knock you to your knees with a single sentence

Linden by fleeceframe (@/tasteslikevelvet) [E | 67k]

Castiel’s heart stumbles before he can stop it, before he can think about how pathetic that is. To think that every interaction the Swans have proceeds them, that everyone is just waiting to get a glimpse of one of them to fuel their gossip circles for the next three days. Even the invisible shy flutter in his stomach at the thought of the Swans (not the Swans, just one of them, just one single man, but is that any better?) makes Castiel feel like he’s participating in the blatant objectification that he’s uncomfortable just witnessing. The Swans are only people. This is something that Castiel holds onto. Just people who happen to have a generational curse in their bloodline. And when he interacts with Sam Winchester or Eileen Leahy at his stall, it’s easy. He says hello, they say hello back. The Swans are just people. And yet, Dean Winchester remains unfathomable.

ohhhh this fic feels like springtime and sunlight through the trees and everything that is good. i devoured this fic, it is so sweet and captivating and wonderfully poetic. a comfort read fr

The Lord of The Lake by rhinestoneangels (almondrose) (@pinknatural) [T | 29k]

The lakehouse is haunted.

this fic is so special to me. there's emma. there's a cat. they're a FAMILY. there's ACE DEAN!?? it's thee ace!dean fic for me and steph did such a wonderful job exploring that

Muder Ballads (Red Right Hand) by Duckyboos [E | 85k+]

It all starts with the mysterious note left on Dean’s chair. It all ends with Dean coming to terms not only with what he’s capable of, but how much that knowledge doesn’t bother him.

hehe this is one of the ones you need to make sure you're comfortable with before you read it... it's yeah.. it's real dark. the storytelling is so compelling and i could NOT put this down. sometimes you gotta read something kinda fucked up. especially when it is so well written. also if you do like this then i recommend everything duckyboos has written hehe

Put Up Your Dukes by saltyfeathers [E | 38k]

Dean can't sleep. Cas offers to tire him out.

i mean *i* have always considered this a classic. honestly it's so fun and funny and just ugh i just love it, so read it pls

Revelation 13 by fullvoid [E | 44k]

It’s Dean’s day off, and he’d like to spend it how he always does—by kicking his feet up with a cold one and watching soap operas—not by discovering an enormous, creepy hole in his bathroom wall that definitely wasn’t there when he went to bed last night. But it’s no big deal. He can just patch it up and still devote plenty of time to Dr. Sexy afterward. There is only one problem. He can’t leave his apartment, and there’s a message on his front door written in…is that blood? And why is it signed by someone named “Cas”? Things can only get better from here, right?

hehe i know nothing about silent hill but i DO know that this is an amazing horror fic!! read it in one sitting and would do it again!

Russian to the Altar by MalMuses [E | 144k]

“I need you to marry Castiel.” They weren’t the words Dean expected to hear from his business partner’s mouth before their bakery-slash-chocolate shop opened for the day. He’d been quite happy being single—and who the fuck was Castiel, anyway? It turned out that Castiel was a Russian erotic novelist in need of a ticket to America, and Dean… well, Dean was a last resort.

i LOVE a romcom fic and this one is soooo fantastic (it's a classic, right?) it has bdsm. it has destiel being idiots in love. it's also incredibly sweet. what more could you want?

Seek to Know You Better by ahurston [E | 33k]

Dean and Cas, a long stretch of highway, and 36 questions empirically designed to make two people fall in love. As if they weren't already.

CANONVERSE ROMCOM? YEAH.

The Shawnee Trail by emmbrancsxx0 (@/valleydean) [E | 166k]

In 1887, Dean Winchester and Castiel Novak lead a peaceful life in Lawrence, Kansas. Dean and Sam are stagecoach messengers for Wells, Fargo and Castiel is the town doctor. When Castiel's patient, Kelly Kline, knocks on their door one night about to give birth, she asks for the Winchesters and Castiel's help in protecting her son against one of the west's most notorious outlaws. To fulfill that promise, the men set out on a journey full of shootouts, trouble with the law, gambling, and an important discovery: Dean and Castiel really need to define the nature of their relationship.

WESTERN AU. also to quote myself: "fics that make you pace around your room at midnight while sobbing". also once again i can't believe this isn't a piece of classic literature it's just that damn good.

So Says The Sword by komodobits [E | 85k]

The briefing was simple: ‘Stand guard over the Michael Sword until the battle is ready to commence. Await further instructions.’ Castiel doesn’t mind working security duty; he was briefed shortly after the initial salvation of the Sword from the pit, and again before taking up his position. He knows what to do. However, it’s easy to forget that the green room isn’t real. Time moves differently there, the space ever-changing to make a prison of mountains, cathedrals, salt flats, orchards, and whatever Castiel was led to believe about Heaven’s greatest weapon—Dean Winchester is something entirely unexpected.

we all agree this is canon, right? a classic. it completely shook me up the first time i read it, and honestly it change my perspective of the entire show, for the better of course.

Vagabonds by chevrolangels [E | 89k]

Dean is a sheriff in a tiny town in Colorado, restless and unsatisfied with his life. It's not like what he's read about in the dime novels since he was little, capturing dangerous outlaws and being the last word of the law. More like tossing the town drunk in a cell to sober up when they get a little too rowdy. But Dean's chance comes when a thief rolls through their town. He pursues the thief, which puts him right into the path of Emmanuel, a notorious outlaw. When he is captured by the outlaw and his gang to be held for ransom, Dean starts off on a journey he could have never envisioned, and learns that perhaps there's more to Emmanuel than meets the eye.

another western au!! this list would not be complete without this fic. one of my very faves. it's my ultimate comfort fic. i get so sad whenever i finish it because i never want it to end. i can't praise it enough i don't have the words

What Baking Can Do by cowlovely (@dollhousemary) [T | 63k]

She lets out a low whistle. “Damn,” she says, not even bothering to look up as Dean comes to sit on the counter beside her. “You guys did well yesterday, huh?” Dean shrugs. “I guess. Wednesdays get a lot of foot traffic. Dunno why.” Jo gives him a sidelong look. “It’s because on Wednesdays, we have your ‘Strawberry Heaven Pie’ or whatever the hell you call it.” “Strawberry Chocolate Oasis Pie,” he corrects. “And there’s absolutely no way to prove that. People probably just like to get some sorta treat in the middle of the week or whatever.” “I absolutely can prove that, when was the last time any of that pie was left at the end of the day—hell, at the end of the morning shift?” “Okay, that’s definitely an exaggeration,” he retorts. “It’s never sold out before lunch.” “Can you stop being a bitch and accept that people like your pie?”

i have no idea what waitress is and it literally doesn't matter because ivy makes this its whole own world... if you want something insanely sweet, with amazing character depth and that feels like a warm hug, look no further. this is one of my comfort fics and i have read it multiple times and will read it again!!!!!

Who Ya Gonna Call? by saintedcastiel (@saintedcastiel) [M | 49k]

Finally free from Chuck's machinations, Dean flees the bunker to make a home for himself away from the hunting world. He settles into his new life but can't quite shake the feeling that he's not alone. There's a ghost haunting him, tied to the last thing on Earth that Castiel touched. As the spirit gets angrier and more dangerous to the people around him, will Dean be able to bring himself to let him go?

if you're reading this the day i post this you might have seen me losing my mind on the dash. read it one sitting because it pulled me in instantly and would not let me go. so beautifully written and it's... it's the ending we deserved. i think this needs to be the next fandom classic i am Not joking. one of the few fics that made me sob my eyes out i don't even know what to say anymore just read it please trust me it's WONDERFUL.

#worm.rec

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elasgottoomuchfreetime · 2 years ago

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My brain divides SPN into several… i don’t know… Sections? Seven to be exact (I think).

Season 1-2

Season 3 (cuz I always forget it)

Season 4-5

Season 6-10

Season 11-12

Season 13-14

Season 15

At this point I’m in fact not sure, why it’s like that? But between these sections it felt/feel like something changed, like a new book began or smth like that.

I am personally fond of 4-5 and very fond of 6-10.

The first two seasons seem like a separate thing to me because it‘s like, what they originally wanted the show to be about i think? The Prologue or smth so to speak.

Season 3, I never know what happened there, when we rewatched it I was frequently like „Oh! That was season 3?“. There’s just not much that really sticks out? Besides Dean going to hell maybe. Which I only remember because Cas pulled him out in 4.

Seasons 4-5, the apocalypse, I think I liked the concept of it? Dean & Cas‘s chemistry of course, Lucifer, the angels. I just enjoyed it.

Seasons 6-10, Cas betraying the boys, the Leviathans, Sam being soulless, Purgatory, Benny, Dean having a Crisis every other episode, Charlie, Metatron, Rowena, Alex, Donna being introduced, Claire being reintroduced, Crowley, the Mark of Cain- all examples of concepts & characters I adore. There is a distinct change after Season 5 was over, in Dean and Cas’s characters especially. Probably because it was supposed to end after S5? Whatever, I really enjoyed that. It was fun.

Season 11-12, I don’t remember much? I think it was the Amara/Darkness & Men of Letters Arc thing? The concept of the Darkness was nice. God, Lucifer and the whole squad teaming up to get rid of her was kinda cool I guess? Ketch was… I don’t know a little weird at first but I got used to him? Never grew overly fond of Mary’s character. Jack‘s birth of course was… something. Over all neutral ig. I don’t know why this is distinct for me, but I feel like something changed after 10 was over, can’t put my finger on it though.

Season 13-14, I’m currently watching 14, I think the whole parenting thing with Jack they‘ve got going on is nice. I‘m currently enjoying the whole Micheal trying to destroy the earth & possessing Dean arc and whatever the hell is going on with Nick. Gabriel coming back in 13 and the girl squad with Donna, Jody and the kids feeling more… prominent (?) was fun. What changed here is probably conditioned by Jack being added as a character. I like him, but it kinda changed the dynamic I guess? Also because it kinda conditioned everything that happened afterwards.

Season 15, I haven’t watched it yet. From what it looks like Dean’s character gets ruder than I‘m used to? Especially to Cas? Then there‘s the Destiel confession (that I naturally know about) and the weird way Dean dies in the end. Even though I haven’t seen it yet it already kinda feels like they were hastily trying to abruptly rip the whole thing off? Correct me if I’m wrong. I‘ll report back when I watched it, currently I’m rewatching in German (currently S6) with my mother who hasn’t seen the show yet.

I don’t know what this is supposed to be? I think I just wanted to rant about this whole section thing in my mind and how/why I like said sections. Maybe also for me to write it down and make up my mind about this stuff, because as I’m rewatching the show I’m reflecting and thinking about stuff a little bit more.

If you want to you can add on with your own opinions on the seasons & how/if you section them. Or if you can/want to add any bonus information.

I enjoy reading other people’s opinions & takes.

Anyway have a nice day. And thanks for reading.

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worrynoodle · 4 months ago

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It's so bad. Everything the show had the potential to stand for was thrown out the window.

I can not believe for a single second, that Dean Winchester heard Cas' speech and confession and just went "huh, yeah I am pretty great and I deserve happiness. Let me get a dog." When he loses Cas again in the next moment. The Dean Winchester I know would never have stopped fighting for Cas. Especially after the confession.

Part of his whole thing is that everybody leaves him. Everyone he loves, everyone who dares to love him, either dies or leaves him. Like a curse. So Cas tells him "I love you," immediately dies and goes to a place worse than Hell for it and Dean is just supposed to change his entire viewpoint just like that?

His new dreams were toes in the sand with Sam and Cas at his side or running his own bar. He had gotten to the point where he saw more for himself than The Hunter Curse of dying or going nuts. He had broken free and dared to dream.

I truly believe if nothing else is going on, he put on a brave, happy face for Sam but was relieved when the rebar hit because whenever he loses Cas, he gets suicidal. God literally said so.

Then their kid is God and he doesn't even ask Jack for Cas back? And Jack doesn't immediately ressurect his dad (for his other dad) when he gets those powers?? And Cas is just supposedly hanging out in heaven and doesn't go visit Dean when he knows How Dean Is. EDIT: Didn't they also establish at one point that God didn't have any power over the empty?? So how would he have gotten Cas into heaven??

All of it makes no sense.

Not to mention that Sam has also made it clear that he doesn't want to live without his brother. Chuck gave him that watch and losing all they lost in that reality made him literally lose hope. He doesn't want that apple-pie life anymore. He had new ideas of what life could be and it wasn't anything like Stanford and Jess Sam. Maybe at one point he could see living without him, but that wasn't where he was at the end of the show.

All of it is so bad I could go on and on.

After fighting death and being separated for literally fifteen years, fighting fate and God's Plan and declaring themselves Team Free Will in spite of God himself... they all just die in the end??

Nah. For a show about breaking free from the narrative they really dropped the ball and I can't forgive them for it.

they really gave dean the worst possible ending, didn't they?

you find out your best friend of a decade -- who you thought, nay, were told explicitly couldn't love you back -- actually is and has been in love with you the whole time. only: he dies immediately afterward, you don't even get a chance to say anything back, and there's not a second of hope for what might be. you find out that you were harboring your feelings inside, thinking that nothing could ever come of them, and he was doing the same, and now he's dead. is the knowing worse than not knowing? the coming so close? maybe for cas, happiness is in the just being, but dean... never gets to just be.

and then. and then. and then you get fucking stabbed by a piece of rebar. and you're so... you're so goddamn devoid of hope that you just let it happen. and the fifteen years you've spent unlearning the things your dad taught you just disappear. suddenly you're a kid again and you're carrying your little brother out of the burning house. because you have to tell him it's going to be okay. you have to say "let me go" instead of "i want to die so badly" instead of "i'm heartbroken and i'm alone" instead of "i will never get my happy ending and i'm tired of trying for it" so you just. you die comforting him. you die comforting your kid brother.

jesus. i can't even think about it any longer than this because. it's so horrible. it's so fucking horrible!!!!

#dean winchester #supernatural #spn #chuck won theory #lou's destiel theories

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hawkland · 3 years ago

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(Mostly) Destiel fic recs #12: Long fics that deserve more love

Hello all and happy Easter, to those of you who celebrate.

I’m well overdue for another recs round-up post, so I decided to do this one on a theme, pulling from my many (many, many) reads over the past few months. I’ve read quite a few big classics but they’ve been recced all over the place already. So how about some longer (20k+) fics that I feel could use some more love?

To that end, I’ve been reading through some older DCBB collections, fic not on A03, as well as more recent stories that just haven’t gotten tons of attention (yet). So here’s eight of those that I definitely recommend checking out if you’re in the mood for some fic that might have slipped your attention otherwise.

(As always past recs and reads with comments and tags are all up on my pinboard.)

Pretend You’re Going to Miss Me by eva_roisin (53k) - This was a wip I’d been following for some time which I wasn’t sure would ever get finished, but to my delight it finally was, not too long ago. It’s a Balthazar point-of-view, post-series fix-it focused on Heaven and the angels Jack has rescued from the Empty. Many of them are not in the best of physical or mental shape after all they went through—Cas, in particular, is off-limits to most visitors except for Jack until better healed from his trauma. Balthazar waits with seemingly equal parts eagerness and dread to see his former brother-in-arms again, and perhaps open up to the depth of his feelings for Castiel. But will Cas still be hung up on that damned human, Dean Winchester?

This is a great fic for “angelnatural” lovers like myself, and I enjoyed all the flashback scenes filling in what happened with Cas & Balthazar working together during the Season 6 civil war arc. By the end I couldn’t even decide which relationship I was rooting for more: Cas/Balthazar or Dean/Cas, and I won’t spoil how it ends. All I’ll say is I was actually a bit surprised, at first, at the path the author chose, but upon thinking it over, it was bittersweet yet felt right. I really loved this story no matter what and it was a refreshingly different “fix-it” fic for me.

The rest of my recs below the cut.

Gates of Bronze and Bars of Iron by iCeDreams (80k) - An alternative Season 9 fic. As the story opens, we find Dean is in Heaven, having been killed by Metatron. Cas is still (mostly) human, fallen and on Earth, working with a still-alive Kevin Tran. They're hunting together while also trying to find a way to reverse Metatron's spell - the same thing Dean is working on, too, when not helping other souls who wish to return to Earth be reincarnated. Cas and Kevin, meanwhile, discover a disturbing situation where babies are being born soulless, except for those being born with "old souls". In two separate realms, Dean and Cas slowly work toward solving these various mysteries, reopening the gates of Heaven to the angels, and eventually reuniting with each other as well. I loved this story for how incredibly creative and detailed it was in developing a structure to Heaven - with multiple circles or levels, much like the supposed nine circles of hell. Cas's characterization is especially beautiful here; he is not shown as lost or despondent over Dean's death but simply certain they will some day see each other again, for as an angel his understanding of time, life, heaven and earth is so different from a human's. The relationship between Cas & Kevin is delightfully done as well. While originally written for the 2014 DeanCasBigBang, the author is currently working on a sequel now - so check this story out and subscribe to the series to find out where it leads.

Freakshow by Mme_Yersinia (26k) - I had the delight of beta-reading this fic and can unabashedly rec it, especially for those of you who love Standford-era Dean—and a health dose of wing-kink. ;) It's set not long after Sam has gone off to college, leaving Dean to hunt on his own or with his dad. John sends Dean off on a tip about a carnival faith healer claiming to use the powers of a "captive angel." Of course there's no such thing as angels, Dean knows, but he goes off to investigate what's really going on. I'm sure you can imagine what happens next, when Dean lays his eyes on the poor, bedraggled and chained, winged creature on the healer's stage. Whatever he is, Dean isn't going to leave him to suffer such abuse. After freeing the angel, the two stick together while Cas recuperates and Dean does his best to dodge his father, and something deeper begins to grow between them. This is just a lovely, sweet read if you're in the mood for some tender hurt/comfort and eventual hot wingkink and smut (in the epilog fic, "Geek Love"). There's a clever twist/spin on angel grace that comes into play, and the fic features a characterization of Dean that I love as well, one where he's aware of his bisexuality vs. totally freaking out over possibly being interested in a guy. While it takes time for Dean & Cas to get together here it's not due to "gay panic" on Dean's part, but the other hurdles before them and all that Cas has been through during his captivity.

This Nervous Condition by Anonymous (30k) - Dean anonymous author, I don’t know who you are but I love you for this delicious, bad/wrong/Godstiel/mpreg-fic set in an alternative Season 7. Dean keeps seeing Cas in his dreams, and they end up doing...things...in those dreams. Sexy things, until Dean suddenly finds himself metaphysically pregnant with his and Cas's nephilim babies (that’s right, plural). It’s beautifully written and descriptive while also deeply unsettling. All the best things when it comes to Godstiel fic!

Contrapasso by takadainmate (59k) - I was pointed toward takadainmate’s fic a while back thanks to failfandom_anon. Not all of this author’s fic is on Ao3, but this one is and it’s my favorite that I’ve read to date. It was written for the 2010 DeanCasBigBang and the sparse tags make it easy to overlook while browsing. It’s an incredibly intense and spooky case-fic set in early Season 6, wherein Cas asks for Dean and Sam's help to investigate the disappearance of several angels in a town which...doesn't seem to actually exist. Everything about the town just seems wrong from the start, and that wrongness only progresses steadily from weird unease to abject chaos and terror the longer the three spend there. To say too much is to take away from the brilliance of this fic, rich with memorable dark and creepy imagery and a great Team Free Will dynamic.

Six Degrees by strangenessandcharm (23k) - One of this author’s works which to date hasn’t been archived at AO3 but can be found on their dreamwidth account. It goes canon-divergent after 6.22 and is set in a world where Cas has left Dean & Sam’s company after being stripped of his godlike powers and apologizing profusely for all he'd done. Five years have passed since then, during which time vampires have been growing ever stronger and more rampant until they threaten to put an end to what's left of humanity. This seems to be the result of some kind of “super vampire” who lets others drink from his blood, giving them some of his strength and powers. When Sam is turned into a vampire and eventually drinks blood, Dean thinks that there's no hope for any of them—that is, until Crowley gives him a lead, and he finds out what exactly has happened to his angel.

This fic features all the delicious, classic Cas!whump I’d expect from this author, but with Cas also being a total bamf! as well (which is why I love their stories so much; even when Cas is suffering, he never becomes a total helpless woobie).

The Space Between by DarkHeartInTheSky (73k) - A story from the 2021 Dean/Cas PineFest I stumbled on while searching for some Season 12 related hurt/comfort reads, this one goes canon-divergent after "Stuck in the Middle with You." The events of that episode, with Cas almost dying, cause Dean to reevaluate his feelings and relationship with Cas while also struggling with his mother’s perceived betrayal. Meanwhile, Gabriel is back and he has surprising news: there were originally seven archangels, not four, one of whose name has been lost to time. Can we guess who that is? I thought this was a solid alternative take on how canon could have evolved from that point into a different take on Jack’s birth and fighting Lucifer, while also exploring a growing relationship between Dean & Cas.

The Life of Death by yellowturtle (38k) - This 2014 DeanCasBigBang fic is one I stumbled upon while searching for Death!Cas fics. I usually have seen that as a series end fix-it scenario, so I wasn’t expecting to find an older fic with time loops and where Cas literally is OG Death, as portrayed by Julian Richings, at the same time he’s the Cas we know. Are you confused? Don’t be, just give it a read and see for yourself!

I’d actually say I enjoyed the first chapter of this fic the most and it could have pretty well stood on its own as a rather open-ended yet fascinating one shot. The re-interpretation of Dean & Death’s scenes and canon, up through Season 9 or so, is fascinating, though whether it entirely works is something you’ll have to decide for yourself. The ending is perhaps more mutedly optimistic than a happy one, I’ll add, so proceed with that caution in mind. But it’s certainly a unique read and idea, and very well-written.

#my destiel recs #destiel recs #spn fic recs #my fic recs

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chocolatecakecas · 4 years ago

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Yeah, Should Have Seen That Coming: Saileen Bachelor Party Ficlet

Congrats to the soon to be Mrs. and Mr. Leahy💚💍!!!

Sam had the brilliant idea to have their bachelorette/bachelor parties on the same night. Two separate parties, at least a week before the wedding to avoid any last minute mishaps (learning from the mistakes of Dean and Cas' party last month). They had thought of everything, Sam even remembered to invite Adam this time. They were each going to have a perfect party with no unforseen issues, because they both deserved a night of fun.

Dean was granted the privilege of being Eileen's best man maid of honor, so he shut down his bar that night, and threw her an absolute rager. He even dragged the stripper pole back out at Eileen's request (though Dean thinks it was a shame Cas wasn't going to be there to use it) and set up a mechanical bull. So of course Cas was chosen to be Sam's best man, and for his party, Sam just wanted a normal, quiet night. Just board games, beer and burgers at the bunker (Crowley was pissed he got stuck at Sam's instead of Eileen's, but Garth was thrilled about the prospect of playing Monopoly). So that's exactly what Cas planned to give him. He makes sure he's got Sam's favorite beer, burgers from the place that makes his favorite vegan burgers, he's taken care of everything. And all Sam has to do is grab the board games from one of the storage rooms.

What could possibly go wrong?

Well, considering Sam and Cas are involved?

Everything.

(read the rest under the cut)

They ended up on a hunt before the party even began. Sam had accidentally bumped into a shelf in the storage room, knocking over a cursed object, and then picked it up without thinking("Sam why did y- "It just looked like a piece of wood!" "It's not, its cursed it's called t-" "Well that doesn't help me now, Cas!"). And so it turned out, they unleashed an ancient curse that if they didn't break by midnight, the world would be "shroud in 5 billion years of darkness". But Sam won't let anyone call Eileen or Dean ("I just don't want to ruin her party!" "Sam the world could en-" "Yeah, but that happens all the time. How often do you get to have a bachelorette party?")

So it was up to Sam, Cas, Jack, Crowley, Garth, and Adam (Kevin was already halfway up the steps and on his way to Dean's bar before Sam even finished explaining what happened).

And a lot can go wrong over a few hours, especially if the threat of the end of world is looming over you.

In the past three hours, they managed to successfully tear apart the entire archives looking for lore, had Jack fly them to three different states to wake up three experts on the subject, fought and killed one of Crowley's old nemesis who had an ingredient they needed for a spell, were briefly transported to a different dimension, twice (Jack was able to get them home, but they had to go back because Garth forgot his phone). Then of course they summoned the wrong ancient god, then had to figure out how to kill them, before they eventually summoned the right one needed to break the curse.

At that point, after some encouragement (yelling) from everyone, Sam finally gave in and tried to facetime and text Eileen, finally allowing Cas to call Dean too.

But neither of them answered because Eileen was currently in the middle of an intense drinking contest between Rowena, Mary and Kevin (who arrived 2 hours ago and mentioned nothing about the curse), while Dean (totally sober mind you) learned he was amazing on the stripper pole, as Charlie, Kaia and Claire cheered him on, and Jo along with some of Eileen's hunter friends were trying out the mechanical bull.

So they were on their own, and quickly running out of time.

But unfortunately for them, the three hours of chaos was a complete waste, since they discovered a bit too late that lore was wrong. Because the weapon that was supposed to kill the God was clearly not working since it seemed to be chasing them around just fine, with a giant stake in it's neck. So they hurriedly decided splitting up would be the best course of action, and they scattered in all directions as they ran into the woods(where they had landed when Jack zapped them back) trying to confuse the God.

Which had been a complete mistake ("It can clone itself!" "Yes, thank you Sam, I hadn't noticed").

And currently, Crowley and Garth were both knocked out by some of the God's clones, and Jack was nowhere to be seen, leaving just Sam and Cas to fight with what they had (2 guns, an angel blade, and half a flask of holy water, so nothing)

Now there was only five minutes until midnight and the God had them surrounded, as it threw their useless guns and blades halfway across the forrest.

And only one thought rang through Sam's mind.

"Eileen is gonna kill me if the world ends before the wedding"

"Well if you hadn't touched th-"Cas started

"Thanks Cas, you really know how to make a guy feel better" Sam yelled back, swiflty cutting him off.

He glanced back up to see the God (who's name Sam had already forgotten) inching closer, holding them in place as they were readying themselves to smite them.

Sam took one last look at Cas and the reality of the situation finally set in. This was it.

All Sam wanted was one normal night, but now the world's ending again and he doesn't even know the name of the God ending it.

They were screwed. Now he'll never see Eileen again and they'll nev-

Suddenly a wooden stake was shoved through the back of the God's neck with a crunch, sending them crumbling to the ground. It burst into black flames, disappearing.

And standing above them in a, 6 inch heels, covered in glow stick bracelets, and a bride sash, was a very tipsy Eileen.

She and Dean helped pull them to their feet, and Sam could cry at the sight of her (and he did).

As soon as he was standing, Sam frantically began rambling and signing trying to explain and apologize all in one breath. But Eileen simply took hold of his hands, stopping him in his tracks.

"You were supposed to use sheep's blood, idiot" Eileen signed with a smirk.

Then she grabbed by the shoulders, yanking him down into a deep kiss.

"Wait how did-where did yo-"Sam started as he broke away. He quickly takes in his surroundings spotting Claire and Kaia helping Garth to his feet, Rowena trying to wake Crowley, and Charlie and Jo who are probably trying to convince Adam not to leave. He finds Dean, Cas and Jack off to the side huddled close together, while Dean probably tells his husband how much of a dumbass he is.

"Jack flew to the bar, and we read through your's and Cas' texts. We were able to piece it together from there, and apparently you guys can't read. Maybe leave the hunting to the pros?" Eileen teased, swaying slightly (okay maybe she was a little more than tipsy). Sam tightly wrapped his arms around her, keeping her steady, as a smile grew on his face.

"I don't deserve you" Sam sighs, cupping her cheek.

"Yeah, you don't" Eileen shrugged with a smirk growing on her lips.

"She's right, you really don't" Dean's voice cuts through as he, Cas and Jack make their way over. Cas punches him in the arm with a fond smile.

"Well, that certainly didn't go as I had planned" Cas huffed.

"Yeah, understatement of the year buddy. But when does it ever?" Sam laughs, feeling a bit of relief.

Then Sam has another brilliant idea, smiling as he turns back to Eileen.

"So my party....was ruined by an ancient God. Mind if we crash your's?"

And an hour later, Cas (much to Dean's delight) is now spinning around on the pole while Dean, Charlie and Jo cheers him on. Crowley, Rowena, Garth and Jack (with a shirley temple of course) are seated at the bar, talking about god knows what. Claire, Kaia, Kevin and surprisingly Adam have just returned from the parking lot, giggling a bit too much. And Sam is now seven shots in, messily making out with Eileen in one of the booths. Eventually they pull away, just sitting in a drunken daze as they stare at each other.

God he can't believe she's gonna marry him. He really is the luckiest man in the world.

And before Sam can relay this sentiment, Eileen downs her glass, signs "watch this", and runs to take a turn on the stripper pole to the thrumming bass.

With a laugh he surveys the bar, watching his family drink and laugh without a care in the world. He spots Eileen and Dean by the pole in the center of the room, heads thrown back in laughter, as Cas and Jack cheers them on. So Sam quickly slides out of the booth and makes his way over, plopping down inbetween Jack and Cas, watching his fiancé and brother dance to the beat like idiots. Heart swelling at the sight of his family.

And yeah maybe this isn't the night they had planned, but it was certainly a night they'd never forget.

(Especially since Cas had shirts made that said, "I survived Sam Winchester's bachelor party")

Tag list:

(Please let me know if you would like to be added or removed!!!💛)

@wormstacheangel @smiledean @shelikestv @chaoticdean @midnightwings-deancas @jellydeans @sunshine-jack @archervale @wikiangela @organicpurplepants @writtendevastation @tkdwolf2012 @doemons-blog

@rolling-stoned-girl @skylerkernaghan @shadowywerewolfqueen @the-cookie-navy @thelahatiel @thefantasyfiend @castielle-deanna @aestheticflyer26 @multi-fandom-imagine @x-mypeopleskillsarerusty-x @wellofwoes @becky-srs

@multi-fandom-dark-lord @perfectkoaladream @castiel-for-lunch @it--hurts--to--become @bowtiesandneckerchiefs @dakiaty @feraldean @teamfreebees @keshetcas @hrh-princess-bea @martymar1963 @midnight-sparks-studio @slipper007 @rainbowsam @winchester-novak

#this is just crack literally its crack i had this little idea and it ran away from me #literally its just crack theres not much substance and its not funny but here you go anyway!!!#i have never written saileen before and like ive said in the past dialogue is NOT my forte so im sorry in advance if this bad #ITS TIME FOR A FUCKING WEDDING #THEYRE SO CUTE AND THEYRE GETTING MARRIED #cas IS sam's best man you literally cannot convince me otherwise #dean would literally go ALL out for eileen's party like literally anything she wanted because THEY are best friends #i just needed a sam and cas chaotic adventure bachelor party so here #the world almost ended because they were idiots and they dont even care asfhjadjagsg #saileen wedding #certified safe sam content #eileen leahy #sammy #saileen #destiel #dean winchester #castiel #jack kline #saileen ficlet #bec writes #ficlet

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captain-sodapop · 4 years ago

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Lately I've been thinking about the difference between protagonists and main characters, and the place of each in the story, and of course I've applied this to everyone's favorite silly show, Supernatural.

Basically, a work can have several main characters. SPN has four: Sam, Dean, Castiel, and Jack. Each of them are important to the story and the protagonist, they get considerable screen time, and they have their own storylines and personalities. But, as I've said before, a character like Dean - while a main character - is not the protagonist. He's the deuteragonist, meaning he's second in importance to the protagonist. Castiel and Jack also became deuteragonists after initially being more tertiary.

But what is the difference between their function as main characters/deuteragonists, and Sam's position as main character/protagonist? Like I said, just because Dean, Cas, and Jack aren't protagonists doesn't mean that they aren't important to the story, don't have their own storylines, and don't have their own personalities; they have all of that. Ultimately, though, everything they do is going to end up being in service of the protagonist, who is the character whose wants and goals drive us from beginning to end. Think about Hamilton: Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton are main characters, and Burr is the one who narrates the entire show and gives us his perspective, but Hamilton is still the protagonist because his desires are what pushes the story.

So, whether you like it or not, whether he's your favorite character or not, Sam Winchester is the protagonist of Supernatural, and everything that happens in the show is in service to his story. But what is the story? I'll admit, this one took some puzzling out on my part, until it hit me squarely in the face while I was in the shower, making me feel like a complete idiot. Because for as much as we like to joke and for as unevenly executed a show as it may be, Supernatural is not a show about nothing, and it's not even really a show about brothers like the people associated with the show like to say - not from a character/plot perspective, anyway.

At its core, Supernatural is a show about the fifteen-year journey Sam takes to getting a life that is his own. And that's it. That's the bare bones. Everything that happens in those fifteen years either helps or hinders (mostly hinder) him in that search for a life he feels comfortable with. When Dean makes a decision for him, when Cas breaks a wall or takes on his trauma, when Jack grapples with his powers...that is all in the service of Sam's story. From the pilot, we know that Sam doesn't necessarily want normal, but he wants safe. In the finale, we see a Sam that is married with a son, with a home: safe - but not normal. He's been through too much to be normal, and he keeps reminders of that life around him as well as seeming to teach his son about the supernatural so that he can be safe as well. Which means, that since Sam got exactly what he wanted, that the story arc is ultimately successful. In episode one we learn what he wanted, and he gets it in episode 327.

But, since Sam is our protagonist, that means - as I said - that everything happens in service of his storyline, which means that every other storyline and character has to aide in that somehow, which means their own separate story arcs are never going to be quite as important overall as Sam's. Dean wants freedom; he gets it. Once he gets that, his story is essentially wrapped, and his death is in service of Sam getting his safer life because Sam never wanted to hunt unless it was with Dean, and since Dean isn't around...well, you get the picture. With Cas, he wanted purpose and love, and he claims he found that in being Jack's father. Story wrapped. For Jack, he wanted to be good and not evil, and by becoming God, he achieved that. Story wrapped. I get that it's frustrating not to see these characters anymore because we care about them, but once they have achieved their (not necessarily thematically smaller, just less central) goals, the story sheds them one by one until we are left with just our protagonist. First Cas, then Jack, then Dean.

And then Sam.

The nature of Supernatural means that two out of three of those deuteragonists die, and all three of them find their so-called "peace" in the afterlife (Jack as God, Cas seemingly as his right hand, and Dean left with no responsibilities). Death can be a lazy plot device, but since it's so expected with this show...well, what did you expect? And since Dean edges out Castiel and Jack in importance to the protagonist, that means that especially with COVID, he's the one we have to see again. The other two would have been great to see again because, again, the story demanded we care about them, but they are off serving their own purpose now, with their own stories - just one that isn't directly important to the story of the protagonist at the time.

Basically what I'm trying to say is that I get why it hurts when you don't get to see Cas and Jack in the finale, and that it hurts like hell to watch Dean die, but there are reasons for this. The show does lose focus, but Sam is the protagonist from day one, and his desires are what drive the story. How many times does he express a want to be out of the hunting life? And when he resigns himself to hunting, it feels like a letdown, like he's lost hope, and the other characters take note of it because that's not what Sam wants. And if he's not going after what he wants, then there's no story, and if there's no story, the other characters certainly don't serve any purpose because they don't have anything to push Sam towards anymore. In seasons 9 and 10, when the writers tried to push Dean into Sam's position, it flopped. That is not Dean's function in the story, and it distracts us from the protagonist - and therefore the entire show's - goal.

So you can hate it all you want, but without Sam, there is no story, and everything that happens is in service to him trying to meet his goals. Doesn't mean you shouldn't care about the others, doesn't mean they aren't important and don't carry weight as individual, unique characters, it just means that at the end of it all, Sam's goals are what drives everything, and that's something the finale - while not perfectly executed - got very, very right.

#blame this on all the script analysis and literary theory I've been reading #also some posts I've been seeing recently wondering why it seems that other characters do things in service of Sam #like that's literally the point #he's the protagonist #that doesn't necessarily make them props either it just means they're serving a function within the story #they become more prop-like when they become two dimensional like they sometimes do #that happens to Cas a lot #but that's a post for another day #supernatural #spn #spn meta #sam winchester #dean winchester #castiel #jack kline #abby speaks

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one-more-offbeat-anthem · 4 years ago

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endlessly

or, the one-shot that wouldn’t get out of my head where jack is a baby, cas is back, and he and dean have a talk. s13 :) this is a long one, so part of it is going under the cut!

--------------

Things are strange.

Of course, things are often strange in Castiel’s life, especially these days. For one, he just got brought back from the dead. For another, he rode in the passenger’s seat of the Impala on the way back to the bunker. Sam drove, because when Dean tried to drive, the baby in the backseat--Jack, that’s Jack--started crying, and Dean had to switch spots and let Jack’s tiny hand wrap around one of his fingers. Only then did Jack stop crying.

As soon as they got back to the bunker, Dean went to put Jack to bed, leaving Castiel in the kitchen with Sam. That’s where Castiel is now, watching Sam putter around, cleaning up things that don’t need to be cleaned. There’s clearly something on his mind.

“You and Dean should talk,” Sam finally says.

“We usually do talk,” Castiel replies, unsure of what, exactly, Sam means.

“I mean, really talk. Look--” Sam stops, grabs two beers out of the fridge and slides one across the island to Castiel, before continuing. “Dean gets...things get bad for him when you’re gone. Without Jack to take care of, I think he would have...” Sam doesn’t finish the sentence, but Castiel has a feeling he knows where it was headed.

“Is Jack always like that?” Castiel asks.

“Obsessed with Dean? Yeah. I mean, things are still kinda complicated with Mom, and I’m not great with kids, but Dean...” Sam sighs. “I mean, he had to take care of me constantly when I was a baby. He’s always been really good with kids, better at expressing himself. And he and Jack...I mean, if Dean’s not with him, Jack gets really upset.”

“Wow,” Castiel says. He remembers a few years ago, helping Claire out, and how quickly Claire and Dean cottoned onto each other. And stories he’s heard from before he knew the Winchesters (sometimes it’s hard to believe there was a time in his life before them) where kids had been involved on a hunt and Dean saved the day.

Perhaps it’s only natural.

“But yeah,” Sam takes a deep swig of his beer. “Go find him and talk. I bet Jack is asleep by now.”

“Right.”

Castiel still feels odd, wrong-footed, though. It should be easy to talk to Dean--Dean’s one of his best friends, someone he would do anything for, has done anything for.

But he’s also Dean, someone who can be complicated and feels things deeply, and if he’s been feeling bad enough to contemplate--

Castiel doesn’t know what to say to that.

He finds Dean in his room, sprawled out on the bed with a sleeping Jack next to him. There are beer bottles and a couple of whiskey bottles littering Dean’s nightstand, an overflowing wastebasket in the corner.

Sam was right. Things haven’t been great.

Dean’s eyes flutter open when he hears Cas enter and he sits up, saying softly, “I know sleeping with babies can be bad, cuz I read one of those books you got, but he just...” Dean turns his gaze to Jack. “He doesn’t go to sleep unless I do this.”

Castiel nods.

Dean carefully scoops Jack up and carries him over to the crib in the corner of the room. The whole scene is both painfully domestic and painfully Dean, and it causes something in Castiel’s chest to twinge.

“But he’s out like a light now,” Dean says. “He’s already better at sleeping, it’s like he knows I don’t get much even without a crying baby.”

“Hm,” Castiel agrees. “Dean, can we talk?”

“Uh, sure? Let’s go somewhere else.” Dean takes one last look at Jack’s swaddled form and then leads Castiel out of his bedroom and to another room, which Cas has never been in before and is barren except for some armchairs and a foosball table.

“What’s this?” Cas asks as they settle into the armchairs.

“It’s...I dunno, a rec room or something. Thinking of putting a TV in here so we could watch movies. I’ve been calling it the Deancave and Sam has been getting annoyed with me.” Dean cracks a smile at a that. “Whaddya want to to talk about?”

“I, uh...” Castiel shrugs. “Sam just said I should talk to you.”

“Dirty traitor. Of course he did.” Dean frowns.

“We don’t have to if you don't want to, I just thought--”

“No, no, this’ll--I need to say this shit.” Dean swallows, before saying, “So, do you remember, about a year or so after we met, when we were trying to get the Colt back and gank Lucifer?”

“I do,” Castiel says, now completely unsure of where Dean is going with this.

“Well, I...I got zapped to the future. Or a future, I guess, by Zachariah. It was...2014 there, the world was overrun by this plague and zombies, Sam was...gone, he had said yes to Lucifer for good, and I met another version of myself who was...he wasn’t a great guy. Pretty cold and ruthless, willing to use people he cared about as bait or put them in harm’s way. He didn’t care about much anymore.” “I assume I wasn’t in this world?” Castiel asks.

“No, you were.” Now Dean looks genuinely pained. “You had lost almost all of your grace, and you spent your days...drinking and doing drugs and having sex. You had lost the trench coat and you were...different. You still thought I was pretty cool, though, and the other Dean, the Dean from that you’s time, he hated that.”

“I see.” Something is coming into focus.

“You were Cas, but you weren’t my Cas,” Dean says, the emphasis on the my weighty.

“Was this the same night that you told me to never change?”

“Yeah,” Dean sighs. “It was. Something that the other you said, it just...it hit me. And I couldn’t let that happen to you, and I couldn’t let myself be the guy that made it worse. He said that the only thing you and that Dean had left was each other, that if the other me said it was time to go, then you would follow him. And I tried to talk to the future me about it, ask him why he was willing to put you in harm’s way just because you would follow him. He...he didn’t have an answer.”

“I have changed, though, Dean,” Castiel says after a moment. “And not in a bad way.”

“Yeah, but you coulda become that guy.” Dean’s fidgeting now, uncomfortable. “Anyways, after that it was...yeah. You know how things went, you were there. A lot of shit went down, and I tried not to think about that future I saw.”

“I see.”

There’s a vast, empty silence in the room as Castiel contemplates what Dean has told him. He wants to ask follow-up questions, figure out what, exactly, Dean means by what he’s said, but it’s rare that Dean is so open and calm about it, and Castiel doesn’t want to break the spell. He wants Dean to, what’s the phrase? Level with him.

“And then we went to purgatory,” Dean continues suddenly. “And I spent a year looking for you and found you all dirty and scruffy--you still had that trench coat but you looked like him. I was...starting to realize something, I guess? I mean, Benny helped me find you, and one night we were just hanging out, doing stuff, and he asked me what my deal was about you. I told him, I said you were one of my best friends, hell, just straight-up my best friend.”

“And what did he say?”

“He said I was full of shit, that no one spends a year in purgatory for a friend. I told him to shut the hell up, but he was right.”

This isn’t happening. This would never happen, because Castiel has heard that it won’t. The Empty’s words from when he was dead echo in his head.

I know who you hate. I know who you love. There is nothing for you back there.

But maybe there is.

“There isn’t any use in trying to hide it from you,” Dean says. “You saw all the bottles. Every time you leave...I tell myself it’s because you’re like family, and you are, but not quite--”

Castiel is tired of waiting, tired of having a weight lodged in his chest, and he hates how agitated and small Dean looks, so before he can fully think out what he’s doing, he’s standing up and then leaning over Dean’s chair, his face inches from Dean’s.

He waits.

“There’s--there’s no way,” Dean says, breathless.

“There is.” Castiel swallows, hopes he hasn’t miscalculated.

He determines a moment later when Dean seizes him by his collar and pulls him all the way down into a kiss that he did not, in fact, miscalculate.

It’s clumsy and messy, because of the angle and the nerves and all of the waiting, but Castiel doesn’t particularly care, and he’s getting the impression that Dean doesn’t, either.

“Please don’t leave again,” Dean whispers into Castiel’s neck when they finally separate.

“I won’t,” Castiel promises. “Although I still can’t promise to never change.”

“That’s a good thing,” Dean replies. “I know that. Now.”

Castiel doesn’t sleep, but when Dean finally heads back to his room to check on Jack and then try and get his four hours, Dean grabs Castiel by the trench coat sleeve. He stays, takes the pair of pajamas Dean sheepishly offers, finds himself curled around Dean in the big bed that doesn’t seem so big anymore. Neither Dean or Jack wake up all night.

Castiel may not sleep, but he does sink into a fairly deep meditative state in the quiet darkness of Dean’s room. He “comes to” an indeterminate amount of time later to see that the room is empty, save him, and that all the bottles and trash are gone.

He pads into the hallway, still in that pair of Dean’s pajamas, and hears voices coming from the kitchen. He follows them to find Sam sitting at the table, talking to Dean, who’s standing at the stove with Jack swaddled and wrapped to his chest. Castiel feels his face reddening as his chest expands, and he makes a beeline for the table and sits across from Sam.

“I see you had that talk,” Sam whispers, grinning.

“We did.” Castiel can’t help but smile back.

“Anyone not want bacon?” Dean asks from the stove, and Castiel and Sam both shake their heads.

Castiel could get used to this, and he hopes he gets the chance to.

#destiel #baby!jack #spn #fic #offbeatwrites

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whateverthedragonswant · 4 years ago

Text

Does it ever just hit you that Dean had one female love interest in the show?

Yes, we got to meet Cassie who was someone he still cared about, had dated pre-show, but they go their separate ways after one episode.

Yes, we know the story behind Anna's story line and where it went.

Regardless of how many women he had sex with or flirted with or was attracted to, he had one female love interest, one he was actually in a relationship with. One.

And with that one love interest, the minute the domesticity is threatened by the supernatural and that dangerous part of his life, we get this guy starting to surface:

To the point where Sam, who doesn't have a soul, tells him he's acting too much like "Dad" by keeping Lisa and Ben on lockdown.

Where we see things like:

(this is the song they play during his domestic montage and even though yes he's missing Sam it's also indicating that this is not where Dean fully wants to be, which is also why they intercut the domestic scenes with previous hunting scenes, not only to show us the change in Dean's life but to also show that he's fully settling into this new life)

And with this one love interest, he got the domestic life. The life he always was supposed to want but never thought he could have. And it still wasn't enough.

Especially when you have Dean mentioning to Bobby and Sam that he only went to Lisa and Ben because Sam asked him to. "Do you have any clue what walking away meant for me?" Bobby: "Yeah. A woman and a kid and not getting your guts ripped out at age 30. That's what it meant." "That woman and that kid, I went to them because you asked me to." Bobby: "Good." "Good for who?"

And Lisa telling Dean that she wanted Ben to have a dad he could look up to. "I mean I know we weren't greeting card perfect, but we were in it together." "You're always so amazing with Ben. You know what I wanted? More than anything? Was a guy that Ben could look up to. Like...like a dad. So you saying it's all bad, Dean? Because it was the best year of my life." His one love interest that he absolutely is not in love with. He cares about her, definitely loves her, but he's not in love with her, and she's not in love with him. But still, this was his one female love interest the show delved into. And by season 15, they took the love interest for Dean's character and completely turned it onto its head, paralleling it all season with Sam's love interest (Eileen), building up to what we get in 15x18.

Regardless of what happened bts, the mention of many fans supposedly hating on any love interest Dean might have had (like Jo) and that's why they decided to not pursue anything for Dean (supposedly), it doesn't take away the fact that this whole setup with Lisa is the framework for what we see later on near the end of the show. The dynamics were literally the same except for a few subtle differences:

Dean and Cas weren't making out or sleeping in the same bed

They don't live in a house but they do live in a home

Sam is there and not taking away from the family unit (as his presence did in season 6)

We see the beginning, middle, and end of the Dean and Cas relationship, basically almost every single detail; we see the beginning and the end of Dean and Lisa's relationship, and some middle, but not everything - we literally go from Dean showing up at Lisa's at the end of 5x22 into Dean settling into a domestic life in 6x01 that he very obviously is not as settled as he should be

Lisa is human and Cas is an angel

Dean doesn't want Lisa or Ben involved in the supernatural world or mixed up in the hunting life; Cas and Jack are obviously involved in the supernatural world and mixed up in the hunting life

Otherwise, everything is pretty much the same:

6x14 -

Dean: "What do you want from me?"

Lisa: "I'm not asking for anything."

Dean: "Well then ask for something."

Lisa: "You know, I can't ask for something. I know what I want. But I can't have it. Not how you live. My phone rings, I think tiny chance it's you. Big chance it's Sam calling me to tell me you're dead."

Dean: "Lis."

Lisa: "What do you want from us, Dean?"

15x18 -

Cas: "I never found an answer because the one thing I want...it's something I know I can't have. I think I know...I think I know now. Happiness isn't in the having, it's in just being. It's in just saying it."

Dean: "Cas..."

(While these words definitely parallel and are strikingly similar, the only contrast between these two scenes is that while this poses a question that Dean never gets to answer either, Cas is not asking for something. He's not asking for anything. Not because he can't, but because he won't. This is enough for him in this moment. And that's why The Empty is summoned when Cas tells him he loves him. So while Lisa accepts that she also can't have what she wants, and she's trying to move on, her wording indicates that there is something she wants to ask but she can't, not won't.)

Dean turns into John during his time with Lisa and Ben when they are threatened. Dean turns into John in 13x01 when Cas is gone because he blames Jack for "manipulating" Cas that resulted in his death. It's Sam who forces Dean to realize that he's becoming like John in season 6, which eventually leads down the road to his and Lisa's breakup, because he wants to keep them safe. When Cas comes back in 13x06, Dean's demeanor towards Jack completely changes because not only did Jack wake up Cas in The Empty (which results in Cas returning), he has Cas back, safe and sound (as much as he possibly can be anyway). It's no coincidence either that Cas' return signals the departure of John (just like in 14x13). Or that Cas is the one to be able to break Dean from the so-called Dean Winchester cycle (in 15x18/15x19), from being "Daddy's Blunt Little Instrument". That he is the one to break the anger, to show Dean that the anger isn't who he is or what drives him, that Mary or God's sister (who is definitely not a love interest because Dean never wanted the connection with her) couldn't even break. But I'm starting to digress, back to Dean and Lisa and the love interest setup/dynamic for Dean in the show.

The ending of 5x22 for Dean was the mold that Kripke wanted for Dean and tried to sell us. Once Kripke had moved on, the show set out to immediately dismantle it. I don't think Sera Gamble or the show had any plans for Destiel at that point. I don't think they started to flirt (to put it nicely) with the idea until the beginning of season 8. But regardless, the point is, they not only immediately blew up Dean's shot at a domestic life with Lisa and Ben, at what he was supposed to want, what Sam wanted for him, but they purposely go out of their way to show you why it doesn't work and that it's not completely what Dean wants. He still wants/needs Sam and to be a hunter. He's not ready to hang up his gun holster yet, so to speak. It's not something he think he can have for 5 seasons and when he finally has it, he doesn't know how to fully settle into it.

Tbf, Sam is also supposedly gone at this point so that contributed and obviously at that time in his life, he wasn't ready to just settle into a construction job, have drinks with his best guy friend every Friday night, have Saturday barbecues with the neighbors, or mow the lawn every weekend. Which is interesting because that's exactly the type of life he wanted in the Djinn dream (season 3) where Mary and Sam are very much alive, safe, and happy (and not John, yep I will keep throwing that in there until the end of time). So, yes, Sam was definitely a big factor and I think it goes in line with what Jensen said in one of the past cons of this year, about how Dean wouldn't do well without Sam around. But, the point I'm getting at is that if this is truly what Dean wanted, Lisa and Ben would have somehow come back into the story once again, despite Cas wiping their memories at Dean's request. We would have seen him either thinking back, mentioning it at least once (despite what Dean says to Sam in the car after the hospital), or something. Yes, he left them to keep them safe after Crowley kidnapped them and what happened to Lisa, but still. If he truly loved her, if he truly wanted that life with her (or some other woman love interest), we would have seen him refer to it (or the idea of it) more than: "You know I tried the family thing, right?" Sam: "Yeah, me too. That's not for us." Dean: "Yeah, not really." (15x08)

But it wasn't what he wanted. Not in the form it came in, not at that time. Instead, we start seeing a new family that Dean starts forming for himself by the end of the show:

youtube

And we get confirmation that this is indeed the family Dean has created for himself and what he wants:

youtube

John: "You are a grown man and I am incredibly proud of you. I guess I had hoped that eventually you would get yourself a normal life, a peaceful life, a family."

Dean: "I have a family."

John: "Yeah. Alright."

This is the same episode where Dean and Sam tell John about Cas and Jack, who are both not present in the bunker. The same episode that we see Cas not knowing Dean due to the timeline switcharound in order for John to be back. The same episode where we see Cas returning to the bunker, unaware of what transpired, once John has gone back to where he needs to go. Dean's family.

And the setup for Lisa's role as Dean's love interest is still the same. He's co-parenting Jack with Dean (and Sam). They all live together. Cas may disappear from time to time but ultimately, the bunker is home base for all four of them. It may not be normal life per se, but this is their normal: the hunting, the constant battles, the neverending supernatural. Cas is essentially Lisa, he also knows what he wants: raising their son, a family, with Dean.

But the difference when comparing Lisa's setup to Cas' is not only how much Dean has changed, how much of a long way he's come from the time with Lisa and Ben, Sam is actually present and a part of the family dynamic (where Dean doesn't feel like he has to choose), but also this: he wants to be there, genuinely. He's not just telling Cas that (or Jack or Sam). He's not just wanting something he thinks he's supposed to want. He actually wants it. (look at how he tries to talk Jack into coming back in 15x19 until Jack says he's definitely not going home again) He's not just fantasizing about what he imagines will make him happy. He knows what makes him happy and it's not a fantasy, it's right there in front of him. The only thing that hasn't changed is that he still doesn't think he deserves it. "Why do you always want what you can't have?" (14x10)

But ultimately, this was it. Cas was Dean's love interest. Even if the confession never happened in 15x18, even if we never got any kind of textual confirmation of Cas' feelings, it's all right there regardless. They literally took the dynamic of Lisa and translated it to Cas, from Ben to Jack, from absent!Sam to Sam. This is what Dean wanted in the end. And unfortunately, he only got a taste of it before it was snatched away in 15x18 and 15x19. And then by 15x20, even though he tried to keep going and finally do something for himself, that eventually got snatched away from him, too. Even in Heaven, he never got that family back completely, only half of it.

And that is why Dean Winchester's ending is still one of the worst things this finale had happen. Dean's ending wasn't leading to a ridiculous death or a 40 year drive in an empty Heaven while waiting for Sam. It was always leading to his family, the one Kripke gave him in the end of season 5, though slightly changed: Jack as Ben, Sam, and Cas as Lisa. The family he tells John he has in 14x13. And to a semblance of a "normal life, a peaceful life". Not that. Never that.

All of this cements one thing: Cas was Dean's love interest by the end of the show. This is what the show was telling you in 15x18 and why there's "despair" when Dean loses Cas: "shattered, alone" This is why they show Dean still on the floor, sobbing, ignoring Sam's call. They literally took Lisa and her role and flipped it on its head, to show you that had circumstances been different, this is the love interest that could have worked. This is the family he was meant to be with in the end. "We never should have left Sam and Jack. We should be there with them now." (15x18) This was what Dean wanted.

#dean winchester #dean winchester meta #dean winchester my beloved #spn posts #destiel mention #dean x lisa mention #spn #the15yearshow #dean winchester deserved better #Youtube

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wormstacheangel · 4 years ago

Text

D’yer Mak’er

Chapter Summary: Hand holding is a big step. Especially when your boyfriend can’t pick up on cues.

Masterpost link for Reelin’ In The Years: Here

It’s been a few weeks since Cas has gotten out of the big empty and things are starting to look better for all of them.

Jack was…he was Jack again. Human but alive. Safe.

He has been a little out of it since separating from Amara and losing his mojo but nothing some good family time couldn’t fix. Or a good dog cuddle from Miracle who followed Jack around like a…well like sad little puppy. Jack was hesitant to leave her behind but she wasn’t going to be allowed in the grocery store.

“Ask Eileen if she needs anything.” Dean hit his brother’s arm from where he sat in the passenger seat of the Impala while Dean drove them. “We can drop it off at her place on the way back.”

Dean looked in the review mirror to see Jack and Cas both looking out their windows, both developing the nervous tick of playing with their necklaces absentmindedly while they both looked like they were ready to pass out any second now. Cas nightmares have been getting worse but he still wasn’t talking about them. Sometimes he won’t even have a chance to fully wake up before he had Cas’s whole weight on him, clinging to him as if he was scared Dean was about to disappear. While Jack has been feeling drained. He hasn’t really talked much since waking up human but Dean could hear the kid walking around the bunker in the middle of the night. Sometimes Dean would find Jack passed out on the kitchen table with a bowl of cereal by his head.

Nothing like father and son bonding over lack of sleep.

Things were still not okay between all of them - his own relationship with Jack was definitely fucking rocky to put it nicely - but they were working on it. He…He was working on it. Just cause he saved the world and everything was calm for now doesn’t mean he was now filled with the ability to communicate. He was trying damn it but it just isn’t always so easy to ask for forgiveness when he wholeheartedly doesn’t believe he deserved it.

“She sent a list of stuff she wants you to cook her instead.” Sam laughed and Dean was about to open his mouth to complain but he heard some muffled laughter from the back seat.

From the rearview mirror, he saw Jack crack a smile into his palm, and whoever can make his kid smile right now was getting a free dinner from Dean.

“Invite her to dinner then.”

They all got out of the car as soon as it was parked and started making their way through the parking lot. Dean was talking to Sam about the food Eileen wanted when he reached behind him without thinking to ask for Cas’s hand. Well ask isn’t right the right word if he just held his hand out hoping Cas would understand.

He didn’t.

Cas was talking to Jack. Not even looking at Dean, which was fine he doesn’t need Cas’s attention all the time while they were home so he doesn’t need it now. His wanting to hold Cas’s hand was mostly for Cas’s sake and if he didn’t want to then that’s fine. They just won’t be that kind of…couple?

Dean stuffed his hand in his jacket pocket. He’s fine. Not like he was ever the touchy-feeling or public display of affection kinda person anyway. Like Cas said before they were more comfortable in private.

“Dude, are you listening?” Sam looked behind him at Cas before looking back at Dean, a grin growing as he raised his eyebrows. “What? Boyfriend didn’t want to hold your hand?”

“I will shoot you.”

Dean raised his hand to punch his brother but Sam dodged it by quickly stopping and hiding behind Jack who looked between them with wide eyes before he softly smiled.

“Are we gonna play a game?”

“No, Sam is just being an idiot.” Dean informs Jack who frowns and Dean’s heart aches at the sight. “But we can have a game night tonight if you want.”

Jack’s smile brightens up while he nods in excitement. Sam pushes Jack ahead of them, already suggesting games they can all play, while Dean and Cas follow behind them. Already walking shoulder to shoulder again. At least that was a comforting touch but he needed to try again.

Dean cleared his throat before holding his hand out, not looking at Cas as he does so. Once again Cas does not take it so Dean wiggles his fingers hoping maybe that would get Cas’s attention but when he turns around he notices Cas has been staring at his face.

“Dude,” Dean stops and looks at Cas, eyebrows furrowed together while he ignored the heat rising on his face. “Do you just…? Nevermind.”

Dean starts walking again and Cas quickly catches up.

“Is your hand cramping up?” Cas takes the hand Dean just stretched out to him and starts messaging it gently with both of his hands. “You keep stretching it. I’m sorry I can’t heal it but maybe I can continue doing this? I don’t even know if it’s doing anything but-”

“Do that.” Dean quickly answered as they stopped in front of the store’s doors. Dean looked down at their hands, ignoring the heat that raised up his chest. “Just keep holding it.”

Cas looked at him with the same confused squint before his eyes widen. Dean watched as he flustered just a little, looking down at their hands again with the smallest fond smile.

“Oh.”

Dean knew understanding clicked in Cas’s mind so he slowly twined their fingers together and started to drag Cas into the store where Sam and Jack were still waiting for them.

“Oh, you guys made it!” Sam teased while Jack was practically beaming at them.

“You’re holding hands!” Jack pointed at their joined hands and then covered his mouth. “Oops. Sam said not to point it out.”

Dean gently shoved his kid forward with a kick. “Let’s just get the damn food already.”

Sam and Jack were looking at the grocery list, walking ahead of them a few steps, and when they were far enough away Dean leaned into Cas’s space. More than he already was.

“Is this okay?”

He squeezed Cas’s hand so he would know exactly what he meant.

Cas squeezed it back.

“More than okay.”

His smile took Dean’s breath away and all he wanted was to lean forward to kiss it but even he wasn’t comfortable with that yet. Soon though. Maybe soon. His hand is already sweating.

Tag List: (Ask to be removed or added)

@galaxycastiel @slipper007 @ar-bi-trary @winchestcas @plantdadcas

@bi-bi-marie @nguyenxtrang @dancerdovegirl @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover

@chocolatecakecas @trasherasswood @celestialcastiel @castiel-is-a-cat

@readeroftheimmortalbooks @marichankitty @confusedisaster @wigglebox

@castiels-bitch @tearsofgrace @queen-rowenas @castielkrushnic

@fresh-flames @s-r-clowns @acertainhero @organicpurplepants

#lol title is dumb but thats the song i was listening too #should i add this to ao3? is it long enough?#Destiel #Deancas #Supernatural #SPN #A More Profound OTP #Jack #Castiel #Dean #Sam #destiel fluff #destiel fic #destiel ficlet #spn fanfiction #My Writing #WormstacheWrites

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you-cant-spell-subtext-without · 4 years ago

Note

My anger at Jensen is like a bit in control now? It's still there but it's not as blinding as before?

Like the answer he gave for the when did dean realise cas' love for him was romantic, was vague and a bit disappointing but not inherently wrong (I'm not denying that Cas' love for Dean was romantic), the thing I was and still am mad about is him not stopping J*red for speaking when it wasn't his place to say anything and on top of that making homophobic, acephobic and incestial remarks on the topic as stated by others (I think some of my anger upon this was incorrectly misplaced onto Jensen cuz I was already pissed off because of the Jack comment, tho I still think we're entitled to feel mad at him for not calling J*red out).

The whole thing still irks me along with the yk glances thing, it still grosses me out but I'm surprisingly not that angry anymore but do I still want him to hold himself accountable? Yes.

But everyone is still so angry, I feel like maybe I'm defending Jensen for something that is morally incorrect (which I don't want to do)?

This got long, so its under the cut.

Firstly, to clarify - I don't think anyone's feelings of anger or hurt are invalid. What Jared said was harmful and callous. I am HIGHLY disappointed that this was even allowed to occur and continue in the vein and manner that it did. It's also valid to feel that Jensen should have been the one that stopped him and feel disappointed that this did not occur.

I just want people to understand the specific circumstances all of this happened in, because that is extremely important context. This was a smaller gold J2 panel, only open for attendance to those who had a Gold Pass to the con. The Gold Pass attendance is, in my understanding of con attendance stats - very J2 heavy. Therefore these panels are generally mostly J2 fans who do not like Cas or the concept of Destiel. This question in these waters is already a difficult one to navigate.

Additionally, we have no idea what is going on behind the scenes w J2 after...well, everything. But what we do know is that Jensen is a consummate professional, with acting as his primary career, and this is a Creation Con (historically known to cater to J2 fans more so than our corner, because they bring the money in at these cons). I think Jensen was trying to answer the question correctly and diplomatically when Jared started speaking over him, and everything went downhill from there. I am not Jensen, and I can't speak for him but I will say in a situation like this I - PERSONALLY - would have had a very hard time restraining this runaway train. It's easy for us to criticize and say why didn't he stop him, but we weren't there and we aren't him. yes, he is a celebrity but that does not give him immediate power to control the conduct of a fellow celebrity who is known for being aggressive and overbearing, especially when in a room of primarily his own fans. I do think the video shows that Jensen was absolutely NOT on board with what was happening. His body language is very telling, the way he left after the panel is even more so.

So, I think its absolutely okay to feel a little differently about Jensen especially as things are calming down (but of course I am a person who was never furious with him to begin with, so take that with a grain of salt).

For a more coherent take on this, and also the Jack comment - I recommend heading to @livebloggingmydescentintomadness as the resources there are much less incensed than the other vitriol on the dash on the topic, and coming form a place of nuance and reason. A good post to start with is here [x]

Also, just because others are angry - does not mean your feeling differently is wrong. Sometimes I think the hive mind we have here draws us into the vitriol, and it's important to step back (as you have clearly done!), pause, and make our own assessment of a situation separately from the noise surrounding it.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me.

#you-cant-spell-subtext-without-asks #nonnie #fandom wank for ts

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dothwrites · 4 years ago

Text

2020 Writing in Review

Well, it’s been a shitshow of a year, ain’t it? The one bright spot in this year was that it left me a ton of time for writing! With no further ado, here are the fics I worked on the year of our lord, 2020.

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the blood which we drew | Rated: M | Word Count: 7335 | COMPLETE

Castiel bears the Mark. And for a few months, it's fine.

It's fine until it isn't.

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ramble on | Rated: E | Word Count: 26,875 | WIP

A series of Season 15 codas, crossposted to tumblr. Tags, Warnings, and Rating may change, based on source material.

(Technically started this in 2019, but I added to it this year, so I’m counting it)

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protect and serve | Rated: E | Word Count: 49,953 | COMPLETE

Police officer Dean Winchester's next assignment seems easy enough: a protection detail on Assistant District Attorney Castiel Novak, who's been receiving death threats in conjunction with the case that he's prosecuting. Dean's assignment is to keep ADA Novak safe, alive, and in one piece so that he can start his trial against Dick Roman, notorious CEO charged with the death of at least eight people.

With threats that quickly spin out of control, a missing teenage genius, Dean's attraction to Novak, and Novak's mercurial attitude towards Dean--Dean Winchester's next assignment is anything but easy.

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what stays (and what fades away) | Rated: E | Word Count: 64,421 | COMPLETE

Cas Novak’s life is perfect. He has a job that he loves and friends who support him. Most importantly, he has his husband, Dean Winchester, and his two adopted children, Claire and Jack. With them, nothing could ever go wrong.

That is, until he starts having flashes of a life that isn’t his and meets someone who shares his husband’s face but not his personality, someone who insists that he’s someone, something, different altogether. Cas’ life shatters when he’s dragged into a world that he doesn’t belong to and doesn’t understand.

Dean Winchester’s life was already shattered when he lost Castiel.

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thunder road | Rated: E | Word Count: 20,883 | COMPLETE

After Chuck is defeated and the Winchesters settle into life without God, Dean Winchester is bored.

OR: Dean and Cas take a road trip and figure out some stuff along the way.

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alone together | Rated: E | Word Count: 74, 239 | COMPLETE

Like the rest of the world, Dean Winchester’s job sent him home with the supplies necessary to work from home and a vague farewell of “We’ll see you when this all blows over”. Unlike the rest of the world, Dean Winchester is entering into a quarantine with Castiel Novak, his incredibly hot and incredibly uninterested roommate. How is Dean supposed to concentrate on his job while Cas is just a few feet away, being...well, Cas?

Castiel Novak was already working from home, so the news of social distancing doesn’t affect him that much. What does send him into a panic is the knowledge that Dean Winchester, his stunning and straight roommate, will also be working from home for the foreseeable future. After spending so long trying to distance himself from Dean, Castiel now has to face a future where Dean is present. All. The. Time.

They’ve got food, Internet, and all the toilet paper they need, but neither one of them is prepared for quarantine.

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for a sinner released | Rated: E | Word Count: 8,800 | COMPLETE

Testing his theory, he runs his fingers over the soft skin of Dean’s wrist, until his thumb is pressed firmly against Dean’s hammering pulse. Cas pulls, gently but inexorably, until Dean is forced to take a step forward. The shift in positioning pushes the barrel of the gun into his forehead.

Cold metal touches overheated skin, and Cas inhales sharply at the contrasting sensations. The gun is unforgiving, relentless, beautiful.

It’s like Dean.

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and all this devotion | Rated: M | Word Count: 10,572 | COMPLETE

Dean’s not stupid. He’s seen the looks Cas has aimed his way, when Cas thought he wasn’t paying attention. He’s leveled his share of looks back at Cas when the angel’s attention was elsewhere. More than once, he’s been caught in the act. At this point, they’re both dancing around the same elephant, too scared and caught in their ways to make the first move.

OR: Dean gets hurt on a hunt. Cas takes care of him. There's only one bed. Confessions ensue.

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lost in translation | Rated: T | Word Count: 3,720 | COMPLETE

Cas bites at his lower lip, looking uncommonly shy. Worry starts to stir in Dean’s gut, which is only compounded when Cas says something else in soft yet clear Enochian. As the new phrase doesn’t have the word stupid anywhere in it, Dean doesn’t have the slightest idea of what Cas is saying. The guilt squirming in his stomach gets worse when Cas looks at him, with gentle anticipation, as though he’s expecting a reply. Dean does what humans have been doing since the beginning of time when confronted with a language they don’t understand and smiles, wide and sunny, at Cas. Cas’ forehead creases but he returns the gesture. His eyes are still brimming over with emotion and the sight does something to Dean.

Dean begins to suspect that he may have started something which he is not equipped to finish.

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a new song about a new life | Rated: E | Word Count: 21,282 | WIP

There is no happily ever after. Mostly because there is no after. Life is just a series of days and nothing ever really ends. It just continues on, even after the curtain closes, and while the struggles might not be epic, they're no less impressive. Domestic life isn't without its pitfalls and trials, but at the end of the day, Dean and Cas still have each other and in the end, that's enough.

A series of timestamps detailing the small adventures of Dean and Castiel. Will contain teensy amounts of angst and a heap of fluff and domesticity.

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angel in black | Rated: E | Word Count: 95,325 | COMPLETE

Bounty hunter Castiel Novak has simple rules for how he conducts his business. Get in, get out, deliver the fugitive, and do it all with the least amount of effort possible. Never become emotionally involved.

When he takes on the job of hunting down Sam and Dean Winchester in order to bring them to justice, his rules start shifting. Threatened by supernatural forces as well as his attraction to Dean, Castiel soon has to decide what he’s willing to stand for…and what he’s willing to die for.

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ghosts that we knew | Rated: E | Word Count: 89,411 | COMPLETE

Dean can’t help it. Castiel’s laugh is infectious, washing over him and sweeping him up in its tide. His throat and stomach ache with the feel of it, unfamiliar muscles worked past their endurance. He hasn’t laughed like this in weeks, maybe years.

Cas doesn’t stop laughing, and Dean relishes it. It’s such a good sound, deep and throaty. It rumbles over him the same way that Baby’s engine purrs, to where he can almost feel it in his gut. Dean’s giddy, the kind of happy that hunters don’t get to feel, and if it weren’t for the ceiling, he thinks he might float away. Cas’ eyes crinkle when he laughs, and his smile goes wide and gummy. He’s so brilliant, so alive—

But you’re dead, Dean thinks helplessly. But you’re dead.

---

Castiel Novak is one of the best hunters Dean Winchester has ever worked with. He's witty, whip-smart, and has enough knowledge about the supernatural to rival an encyclopedia. He's got humor dry enough to put the Sahara to shame and he's pretty easy on the eyes as well. All in all, he's the best partner Dean could have hoped for.

Too bad he's dead.

---

the best of things | Rated: G | Word Count: 2,494 | COMPLETE

There’s something.

This is significant because, for as long as Castiel can remember, there’s been nothing. --- Castiel finds a way out of the Empty.

---

freedom | Rated: G | Word Count: 4,804 | COMPLETE

Freedom.

Dean rolls the word around on the tip of his tongue and tastes how it feels. Freedom.

It’s a strange concept, especially since he always assumed that he was. Ever since Apocalypse Version 1.0 was averted, Michael and Lucifer locked in the cage, thanks very much, he’s always assumed that he was the one calling the shots. No matter how badly he fucked up (and he fucked up a lot), he could at least take comfort in the fact that those were his choices. No one’s hand up Dean Winchester’s ass, no siree.

And then Chuck came and ripped that certainty away from him in one quick motion and then...everything was suspect. Sam, Mom, Jack...Cas. Every word, every action, every emotion... He couldn’t trust anything, so he trusted nothing.

--- OR: Dean makes a choice.

---

at the end of the world | Rated: G | Word Count: 4,631 | COMPLETE

Rebuilding Heaven is slow work, but time doesn’t really mean anything here. It’s delicate to rebuild the walls separating billions of souls so that nothing collapses. Castiel works alongside Jack, making suggestions as his mind trips along to potential problems.

Though it’s never said aloud, Castiel knows why Jack is working tirelessly. Somewhere, in the back of his mind, the knowledge sits that Sam and Dean are going to die. One day, they will pass from the earth, and come to Heaven, and on that day, Castiel wants everything to be perfect for them. He wants to show them a true paradise, a place without walls or barriers, a place where emotion is genuine and not just a manufactured memory. Rebuilding Heaven is his last chore, the last of his penance to be performed.

--- OR: Team Free Will gets the soft epilogue which they deserve.

---

let your heart be light | Rated: M | Word Count: 31,651 | WIP

It's Dean and Cas' first official Christmas together as a couple. What could possibly go wrong?

Just Cas' weird family, his own personal hang-ups about Christmas, Dean's persistent belief that the miracle of Christmas can heal all wounds, and meddling friends and family.

Have a Merry Christmas.

#dothwrites #long post #2020 masterlist #i did not realize how long this was #good lord me #i'm a long-winded little SOB

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katsidhe · 4 years ago

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Sam and Dean Breakups, Part Two: Involuntary

Part One: Voluntary

Sorted by how much longer I think they should have lasted.

Unlike in part one, pretty much all of these involve Sam or Dean dealing with either possession or grief, which adds additional flavor of

5.22-6.01/6.12/6.22 (Sam in the Cage): a year/a year and a half, one/twelve/twenty-two episodes. Perfect. Chef’s kiss. We get both a long time of Dean without a part of Sam, and a long time of getting to know this significant, different part of Sam. Which all builds delightfully to a crescendo when we finally get Sam back fully—and even then, his memories form yet another barrier. Getting him back in pieces wonderfully, brilliantly permits us to still have Sam present while simultaneously preserving focus on the length and enormity of his absence, and of the Cage’s impact. S10 and s14, take fucking notes: this is how you emphasize offscreen transformation while keeping your characters visible.

15.20 (Sam after Dean’s death): probably around forty years, part of one episode. I, personally and privately, want to read several different large sets of novel-length fics about Sam’s life after Dean’s death. Under absolutely no circumstances do I want any of these reified as canon. Let Sam’s recovery be nebulous; let it be under perpetual construction; let it be blurry and private and vague; let him build it in a place we can’t see and can’t reach.

3.11 (Mystery Spot): one day/nine months, one episode. Imagining this as two episodes instead of one is delightful, I will admit. However, I prefer the horror of it contained to just one episode, to really drive home the insignificance of this to everyone but Sam. An event with such horrific and outsize impact on him is contained to what, for the rest of the world, is just one Tuesday. Instead of it becoming an event like 2.21 that Dean externalizes, that is dragged out and explored for an additional episode and then an additional year, 3.11 is totally internal, and not something Sam mentions again.

2.21 (Sam in Cold Oak): three days, one and a half episodes. Seeing Sam apart from Dean in strange circumstances and yet confident, in his element, is so enjoyable that I’d gladly see this extended. This would also serve to ease how abrupt the ramp-up to the Azazel confrontation is--allow more time to flesh out the idea of demon hunger games. One thing I don’t think requires extension is how long Sam actually spends dead. The brevity of the interruption, how quickly Dean makes his decision, is kinda the point.

2.14 (Sam possessed by Meg): two weeks, one episode. Similar to Mystery Spot—lots of character impact contained to just one episode, a lot of Sam internalizing. But here, I think the story could have benefitted from more separation: dwelling on Sam alone rather than only on Dean’s reaction to him, lending additional horror to Sam’s true predicament rather than only to Dean’s fears of him ~going bad~, and giving s2 a greater sense of urgency and direction.

3.16-4.01 (Dean in Hell): four months, less than an episode. Much as I would have personally enjoyed the impact of an additional episode of Dean’s absence, the structure of s4 is such that Sam’s team-up with Ruby is revealed gradually: s4 is told expressly from Dean’s POV, as he struggles with suppressing and then remembering Hell, and discovering Sam’s extracurriculars. To change this would be to change our perception of the manner in which Dean experiences these events. Even so, the significance of Hell to Dean is not dealt with the way it is with Sam, nor is Dean’s absence or Sam’s grief particularly keenly felt. Putting Hell onscreen is a bad idea, and yet having Sam and Dean split up and apart from each other for longer in the beginning of season 4 would please me. Sam apart from Dean and training to kill demons with Ruby, versus Sam apart from Dean and trying to recover with Amelia: united in their forbiddenness, united in their othering.

7.23-8.01 (Dean in Purgatory): one year, less than an episode. One problem with extending this is that there would be longer Purgatory scenes, and Purgatory is objectively extremely boring. And I can, to some extent, appreciate the structure of s8 as-is: with flashbacks illustrating their lost year and with the emphasis on the lack of understanding between Sam and Dean. But I can’t help but feel that this point would have been illustrated more effectively without the flashback structure, or at the very least with less of it--if instead, we’d gotten a few episodes in the beginning showing Sam’s collapse and subsequent recovery with Amelia, alongside Dean’s friendship with Benny and issues with Cas. The flashbacks add a tone that removes urgency, since we know so clearly and explicitly how everything ends up. It’s basically a less deft version of s4′s structure, which I’m also on the fence about: and there, at least, the mystery was both a benefit for the audience and representative of how Dean was processing, neither of which is really true in s8. S8 needed better integration of the reality of Dean and especially Sam’s separate lives.

11.23-12.02 (Sam abducted by the BMoL): a few days, two and a half episodes. Sam should have stayed abducted longer. It was definitely the high point of s12, and of the BMoL’s status as villains. I think that Sam having to deal with the BMoL from within their internal structures would have been really fun, and a nice change of pace! Like, arguing his way out from under a bureaucracy, or even letting Sam be persuaded on the effectiveness of their tactics from within the institution—it would have made the BMoL both more distinct and more frightening. Also, look, it’s just plain fun that Sam’s being tortured and thinks Dean is dead, who actually wants that party to end??

13.23-14.02 (Dean possessed by Michael): around a month, one and a half episodes. What a missed opportunity. Every day I wake up and I weep for what s14 could have been. The secret good s14 that lives in my head is episode after episode after EPISODE of Jack, Sam, Nick, and Cas all coping with each other and with Dean’s absence. The tangible effects of the events of 13.23 require time to unwind, and they require that Dean not be around: I want to see Sam dealing with victory, with grief, with leadership, and with a mission; I want Sam and Nick to accidentally get locked in some room in the bunker together; I want family dinner with all four of them. I want Jack to yell at Sam. I want Dean to cope with possession in a way more lasting and meaningful than bouts of dizziness; I want Sam to cope with how he imagines Dean might be coping. This is the most ripe for conflict and recovery and pain that the show has ever been in Dean’s absence, prove me wrong. And it was squandered.

#sam and dean #sam and soullessness #dean and purgatory #dean and hell #sam and possession #dean and possession #sam and grief #2.14 #2.21 #3.11 #4.01 #6.01 #8.01 #12.01 #14.01 #15.20

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mattzerella-sticks · 4 years ago

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metamorphosis

Chapter 1 (ao3)

Prologue (ao3) (tumblr)

What if, when Jack was born, he stayed a baby?

A retelling of season 13, with a few key differences.

No planned schedule, will update when I finish chapters lol

Chapter 1 - Dean I

“Cas?”

Dean waited, watching Cas’s lips. He waited for his name to be spoken, said in that same mixture of fondness and exasperation and gravel that ticked the tempo of his heart up a notch. He waited for his angel to smile, then tell Dean that he’s fine; that it wasn’t more than a scratch, that he’s still here.

Any minute now.

“…Cas?” Dean’s voice sounded scratchy, raw, like a needle ripped through a spinning record. He blinked back his tears, embarrassed, because Cas might wake soon and see him break, see him not be strong enough. His gaze broke from Cas’s bluing lips, staring at the starless sky above. He saw night begin its transition to early morning, a sun sliver dipping into the horizon, and wondered how long Cas will play with him like this. How long will Cas pretend to lie there? How long will Cas insist that he’s –

“Cas!” Even with the extra help from gravity, Dean couldn’t stop the pinprick tears tracing their way down to his ears, wetness setting his skin aflame. He choked on a sob, the rubber band of his body snapping and recoiling into itself. His shoulders shook. He squeezed tight to his stomach. Dean closed his eyes, but inside that shuttered darkness was Cas, emerging from the portal. Cas with the blade in his hand. Cas with a blade, poking out his chest. “Oh… oh, God…”

He’s really gone. He’s gone and Dean hurt. Dean hurt so much.

Dean cracked one eye open, then another. In his periphery, he saw the tips of Cas’s limp fingers lying in the dirt along with the rest of his body.

It was something he has wanted to do for some time now. Dean noticed what happens halfway into its journey, his trembling hand hovering over Cas’s. He lowered it cautiously. When there’s barely an inch of space separating his middle finger from Cas’s knuckles, Dean stopped. Dean couldn’t close that final gap. He stared at the emptiness between them, small but terrifyingly infinite, and was frozen in terror.

“Dean!”

Sam’s call stirred him from that horrid trance, urgency reminding Dean of all else that happened. Of Crowley’s sacrifice, of the portal closing, of mom on the other side; those events crashed into him like a terrible wave, washing him out into a roaring sea that denied him any sense or reason. Standing, legs ready to give out on him at any moment, Dean stumbled towards where he last heard his brother.

He forgot about the steps. Sam caught him, guiding him past the threshold and into the cabin with lumbering haste. Dean’s vision returned to him soon, though. He drew Sam further to his side, for a loose hug, then shoved his brother’s oafish frame off of him. Dean supported himself using the wall instead. “What?” he asked, growling, “What is it?”

Sam tried to speak but got cutoff by a shrill cry coming from another room. Sam shrugged, jerking his head to where, Dean guesses, the crying originated. He’d also take a stab at who’s responsible for crying, too.

Kelly’s son. Lucifer’s son. The whole damned reason Dean’s life lay shattered in the clearing out back.

Hearing those whines and sobs rattle the cabin’s chilly silence helped harden what remained of his heart, enough so that the baby’s shrieking echoed in the hollow chambers of Dean’s chest. It made what he must ask next much easier. “You didn’t kill him yet?”

Sam visibly startled, jaw clenched that familiar way Dean knows meant an argument brewed within; his brother’s puppy dog features deceived, hiding his true feelings. Again, as Sam readied to speak, the baby took his cue and interrupted with a damning wail. Sam pressed his lips into a thin, mangled line while he waited his turn.

A minute passed, and it’s doubtful the little guy would lose steam soon. Dean sighed. He pushed off the wall, passing Sam as he followed the noisy little bastard. Sam stayed right behind him, heavy footsteps and chiding tone mixing with the crying to shred Dean’s nerves into oblivion. “You are not doing this, Dean,” Sam hissed, tugging on his elbow, “we need to talk about it first –“

“Who can talk over all this racket!” He wrenched his arm free, storming into the baby’s nursery while Sam dawdled under the doorframe. Their entrance meant little to the newborn, who continued crying despite their entrance. “And I’m not killing him –“ he kept his yet stored in the barrel of his mouth, unfired, conscious of how it will be received in the moment – “gonna shut him up for a while, s’all…” Dean punctuated his claim by grabbing the baby, Jack if the painted name on the crib meant anything, and tucking him into the crook of his arm. He bounced him like he did Sam decades ago, like he would for any normal baby, cooing sweet nothing that tumbled out of him as if they were sand in a broken hourglass, shards mixed within. Dean spied a rocking chair in the corner and, with Sam’s piercing gaze studying him, Dean collapsed into it.

That seemed to work. Dean’s gentle rocking, paired with a hummed lullaby cherrypicked from his past, put the hellion in his arms at ease. Jack stared up, transfixed by what Dean guessed is the tall lamp casting a gentle glow on them both; a lamp Sam, now in the room and by his side, flicked on after Dean sat down. It must be the center of his focus, because Dean wouldn’t believe the baby looked at him like he did; like he’s a bright and beautiful thing, deserving of attention, of being the center of his known universe. He didn’t want that, especially from him.

Dean swallowed a curse and ended their contest, sure if he looked into the baby’s eyes any longer, he would damn the consequences and wring the life from this tiny body nestled in his hands. He waited for Jack’s fit to tamper lower and lower, rising only after a moment of uninterrupted silence. Dean carried Jack back, returning him to his crib. He added another mistake into the column of ever-increasing errors and glanced at Lucifer’s kid a final time. He examined him, searching for little horns or a tail or tattoos of sixes; he found nothing. Nothing that proved he’s more than a child, innocent and carefree.

Sam hung by his shoulder, buzzing halo bothersome in Dean’s ear. “I think he likes you.”

Dean huffed under breath, “I wish I could say the same.”

He left. Sam trailed in his wake; tread heavy from being constipated with a smug righteousness Dean dreaded will be shat all over him when Sam had the chance. He was silent until the kitchen, then Sam struck. “His mother just died, Dean.”

Dean shrugged, “So did ours.” He expected that to feel weird saying, but it hadn’t. Sam gaped at him, like it had. Maybe Dean’s in shock. Maybe he was too used to having a dead mom. Dean carried on regardless. “If you think a sob story’s gonna convince me of anything, try hitting me when the kids got enough pages to fill a book larger than Moby Dick’s, or ours. Right now, he’s a table of contents and not much else.”

“Exactly,” Sam needled, poking Dean’s chest. Dean swat him away with the refrigerator door, creating a makeshift barrier to protect himself from Sam’s crusade. He dug around for something to drink, something boozy, as Sam prattled. “Look, Dean, we… I know our thing is – our thing is killing monsters but, Dean, he’s a baby. He – he didn’t do anything –“

“He was conceived,” Dean said, “that’s enough for me.” His groping fingers pushed aside the carton of milk for a third time; he still couldn’t find the beer.

“That wasn’t his fault.” Sam rested his hand over Dean’s where it rested on the refrigerator door, pleading for Dean to look at him by touch alone. Dean relented, darting his eyes for a fleeting glance. Sam’s brows were drawn in like a steep hill, and he appeared absolutely ghastly because of the refrigerator’s light. Dean fell back to his mission. “Lucifer… he set this in motion, and we’ve dealt with him.”

“And what did it cost us?”

Sam sighed. “Everyone we lost knew what this was about,” he told Dean, “knew how it might end. They were ready to risk their lives for this.”

“We were here to take down Lucifer, end of story,” Dean spat, knocking items onto the floor in his fervor. He tore through like a whirlwind, throwing food everywhere. Eggs, lettuce, ketchup and pickles – no beer though. Dammit. “And with the kid kicking, we haven’t even finished our mission.”

“Jack is not Lucifer!” Sam squeezed Dean’s wrist, begging for more attention. Dean’s spiteful, rigid glare burned a hole in the back of the fridge. He refused to move even an inch. “He’s a baby, and we… we kill monsters. We kill the ones who have no chance of being saved. He was just born, Dean. He had no choice in that.”

“Who’s to say that he won’t choose to be a monster, once he’s old enough?”

Sam strangled his wrist, now, Dean’s fingers numbing because of his brother’s impassioned grip. “We’ll make sure. We’ll raise him right.”

This drew Dean out of the refrigerator. “We?” he laughed, bitterness churning in his gut. “We, really? You think…” Dean didn’t finish, speechless at the insanity Sam presented. He and Sam, raising Lucifer’s kid? He and Sam, sheltering the baby who ruined their lives? He and Sam… “I hate to break it to you, Sammy,” he continued, his voice returning, “but this ain’t the nineties. We can’t have it all, clearly. And we are not taking that kid in like some muddy stray.”

“Cas wanted to raise him.”

Dean gagged. The toxic rush of seconds ago disappeared, spilling out from the seam Sam pulled loose.

Sam, at least, was aware enough to briefly mime an apology. His face contorted into a pained expression, exaggerated to better mangle his earlier fury. However, that’s smoothed and replaced with sterner features as he detached himself from his words, and the ugliness that they inspired. He stood tall, committed to the outburst, and from the curl of his scowl, Dean wouldn’t expect him to take back what’s been said. It will linger like the other ghosts.

If that was how he wanted to do this.

“Sure,” Dean agreed, “and that got him what, exactly?” He slammed the refrigerator door, startling both of them and the baby. Jack’s wailing picked up where he left off, although sharper and more annoying. Dean pushed into Sam, instinct urging him to soothe like he did earlier. Dean stopped himself, hesitating. He spun on his heel, leaving where he came in.

Sam shouted, “You can’t just run away Dean!”

“I’m getting some air, is all!” he yelled back, ripping the door off its hinges in his haste to leave.

A terrifying gust rammed into him almost immediately, giving him the very air he craved. Then, a second wind blows in the opposite direction; stealing his breath as his gaze landed on the body of his angel, immobile, with black skid marks in a shoddy recreation of what might be wings splayed beside him like oddly bent branches. Dean blindly descended, too focused with Cas’s form than the stairs. When his feet reached solid, uneven ground, Dean slowed to a glacial pace. Cas didn’t react.

Dean tried not to, too. Hand at his cheek, wiping some more stray tears, Dean failed.

He ripped himself away, jogging from the backyard space towards the front where his true escape was. Dean white knuckled his keys, jagged teeth biting into the palm of his hand. Pain kept him from spiraling, from thinking, from staying there. And when he couldn’t use pain, key nestled in the ignition instead of his hand, Dean had the next best thing – open roads.

The engine roared, overpowering the blood rushing past his ears. Dean demolished the speed limit easily, bulleting across the asphalt, pedal his trigger. It’s early enough he needn’t worry about highway patrolmen or wayward pedestrians. He drove fast, loose, and recklessly. Fuck Vin Diesel, Dean thought. Vin had nothing on him.

Kelly’s cabin was a blurry spot in his rearview mirror, a speck he might scratch off with his nail if he pleased. Trees became indistinguishable from each other. Not that it mattered, Dean’s tunnel vision blocking his periphery. His eyes remained fixed ahead of him, uncharacteristically so. It took most his focus to keep like that, hands cramping on the wheel from throttling it. He counted dash after dash and tallied potholes as he hit them, stuffing his mind with senseless figures other than the lone one he abandoned in the field.

Soon, Dean reached a nearby town. The greenery became sparser, leaves and wood replaced by buildings and city blocks and lampposts and streetlights. He hit his first light, a blip of red flashing for attention. Thoughtlessly, Dean flattened his foot against the brake; Baby’s tires squealing as she fought momentum. Dean knocked against his dashboard from the force, falling back only after his car fully stopped. He couldn’t see the streetlight dangling above. Dean knew he sat over the line, his Baby’s hood hanging in the intersection, asking for an accident.

A second later, and what he was driving from caught up to him.

Dean gasped, curling in on himself, hands glued to the wheel. His body seized with sobs that bruise, each tremor punching his gut. He used what little strength he had and glanced at his reflection. That speck on his rearview, that he foolishly clawed at, didn’t disappear; it was caught in his bloodshot eyes.

He couldn’t continue driving like this.

Red light, green light, it didn’t matter now. Dean crawled along to the nearest lot that belonged to a tacky chain eatery. Parking inside, Dean threw his car door open and spilled free of his Baby. He fell to his knees, hissing, denim ripping on impact and gravel scratching his skin. Dean staggered to his feet. Blood trickled down his leg from the open wound on his knee. He walked forward, dazed, while Baby idled at an angle, keys trapped in her ignition. If it were later in the day, someone might steal her. If Dean were acting like himself, he might care.

He didn’t go far. Dean slowed as he approached the fast-food joint, stopping inches from the backdoor. His bottom lip wobbled, Dean raking his hair with twitching fingers. He stared at the door, at the wooden sign hanging by a single, rusted nail. It depicted a stereotypical pirate, with hat, beard, and eyepatch, painted on a blue background and encircled by cartoonish rope that framed this pirate’s face along with an oblong addition underneath of the word ‘BUCCANEERS’. The pirate glared ahead, at some far point, as if Dean weren’t there blocking it.

But he was. Dean was here, while everyone else – everyone he cared about…

“Why me?” he muttered, “Why’s it always… why do I have to deal with it, with the after, with picking up the pieces of someone else’s mess.” Dean growled, head bowed, eyes unflinchingly locked with the pirate’s. “Mom… Crowley… Ca” – he stuttered on his name, wounds still too fresh – “you’re gonna bring him back. You’re gonna bring them all back. After everything I’ve done for this shithole, that I’ve been through, it’s the least that I’m owed. I deserve to… I – I don’t deserve this.”

The pirate ignored his pleas, it couldn’t answer him. And Chuck, apparently, wouldn’t answer him.

“…Okay.”

Dean launched himself at the pirate, picturing a brown beard instead of black, and a grayish blue eye where a black one was painted. He smashed it with one punch, face splintering and spraying everywhere. Dean continued wrecking it, nearly destroying the door in his fury. Aiming a final blow, Dean hit the sign off the nail and sent it flying from view.

Exhausted, knuckles as bloody as his knee, Dean collapsed near the stacked crates and leaning pallets.

A shudder traveled across his body, from the top of his head, dragged along each vertebra like a sharp, clawed finger, and finally making his legs seize and stretch out in front of him. Dean vacuumed in a deep breath, chest ballooning to contain it. He won’t release it willingly.

“Dude…”

Coughing, Dean glanced up at some teenager standing nearby, gaping at the scene. He wore a large brown jacket a shade lighter than his skin over a deep blue polo that matches the visor currently worn like a headband, so his bangs wouldn’t his face. A ring of keys dangled in his hands. Keys that, Dean guessed, were for opening the very door he pummeled as if it were a punching bag.

“Hey, man,” the teen asked, glancing between Dean and the wrecked door, “are you… like, good? Do I need to call someone?”

A repairman. The teen’s manager. Neither would do Dean any good, but both will need to know about the damage he did to the property.

Dean groaned, climbing to his feet. He swayed with the breeze, a lone willow in this blacktop clearing. Some of the blood from his knuckles drippled like morning dew would off its leaves. He advanced, the teen tensing as he moves closer. Their shoulders brushed, the younger of the two stumbling back a few inches, cowering in Dean’s presence. Dean thought he should say something, let him know there’s nothing to be afraid of.

That felt like too much of a damned lie, so he caught the words in his throat and swallowed them down.

He returned to his car, starting it like nothing happened, like his skin hadn’t torn and tears weren’t drying on his cheeks as he refused to wipe them off. Dean tapped the pedal and drove off. He drove the same path he took earlier, only in reverse. He drove to Kelly’s cabin, and all that waited for him there.

Dean parked sloppily, again; however, pocketing his keys this time as he left Baby. He didn’t acknowledge the front door, shuffling into the backyard for another glimpse of Cas’s body.

Cas was gone. His wings were still there, and Sam was, too.

Sam dropped a stack of branches onto a large pile he must have begun gathering after Dean fled. He rubbed at his neck, steadily avoiding where Dean’s gaze was by looking at the pile. “I moved him,” he explained, “I figured we might as well start on the… on the pyres for him, and Kelly.” Sam paused. He grabbed a lone branch, snapping a twig from it. “I didn’t do anything else. Figured you would want to…”

“Yeah.” Dean blinked, then imagined the shadows burnt into the ground rising and rising, flapping determinately, until they vanished. He blinked. Those wings hadn’t moved an inch.

Dean headed into the cabin.

He spied Cas’s body immediately, laid atop the kitchen table. Sam rearranged him during transit, closing his eyes and setting Cas’s arms at his sides. If he weren’t thinking about it constantly, weren’t reminded of Cas’s current state with every beat of his own heart, Dean might believe Cas was asleep. Or, at the very least, imitating it, since angels can’t sleep. They can’t eat. There’s a lot they can’t do. And Cas won’t ever not do any of that, not anymore.

Sighing, Dean circled the table while tracing the edges of it with his fingertips. He reached the other side, where a gauzy pair of curtains hung. Dean swung his arm outward, going through the motions to free them. It’s quick work.

Wrapping Cas with these curtains will take a lifetime.

Dean started by lifting Cas’s head and slipping a strip underneath. He cradled him, unnaturally soft tufts of hair tickling his fingers. Holding Cas in such a manner encouraged further action, tempted Dean to do more. He succumbed to these voices, the fast few hours since they last sung weakened his resolve. Dean ran his bloodied knuckles across Cas’s face. He stained deathly pale skin red. He hissed, stubble like sandpaper against his cuts. He left no wrinkle untouched.

Finally, Dean switched to his thumb and pressed it just below Cas’s lips.

It’s maddening, touching Cas like this, like he always wanted. He dreamt of being able to for longer than he could remember. Daydreams and fantasies of Dean, curled into Cas’s side, leisurely and lovingly memorizing every inch of the other’s face. Those moments were always pretend, too human to ever be real, to expect from an angel like Cas. Now, as his thumb swept along the bow of Cas’s lips, Dean paid his respects to the thousands of imagined mornings and nights that would not be. Dean worshiped Cas in a way he never wanted to, but in the only way he’d ever be allowed to.

“I’m sorry…” Dean placed a featherlight kiss to the corner of Cas’s mouth. Then, unable to bear looking at him, he wrapped the curtain over his face.

He shrouded the rest of Cas’s body with military precision, robotically completing his ritual. Dean hovered at his side, tightly clutching the final knot in Cas’s wrappings. His head hung listlessly, the foundations of a prayer forming on his tongue. He gnashed his teeth together, smashing it, and the sentiment’s remains tumbled backwards. It ripped apart his insides like glass. The only person who would listen, who’d care, who might heal this hurt, couldn’t.

Cas was –

Dean let go, marching into the backyard. Silently Dean joined Sam, amassing wood in his stead while Sam assembled the pyres.

Together, they completed their duties by sundown. It might have been sooner if Sam didn’t slack off to play nursemaid to Lucifer’s kid. He ran off at the slightest bit of static coming from the garish, incongruently colored baby monitor clipped onto his belt loop, dragging their duties out because of intermittent breaks. When they finally set Cas and Kelly on their respective pyres, the sky darkened to the same shade it was that they lost both of them.

Dean handled the fire. He struck two matches from a box buried in a kitchen drawer, then tossed them into the kindling. Sam, meanwhile, held a very fussy baby that showed no respect for ceremony. His piercing shrieks rung out clearly, somehow amplified by the open space. And as Jack’s cries mixed with the roar and crackle of flames, along with Sam mindlessly grunting back in a desperate plea for Jack to stop, Dean gave in. He stole Jack from Sam, nestling the baby against his chest.

His temper lessened while in Dean’s arms, and Jack soon quieted.

Dean felt Sam’s stare on his profile once more, an uncomfortable heat much different than what radiated from the cremating bodies before them. He hated it, being gawked at like some zoo animal. Yet Dean refused to turn, to bark at Sam that this momentary lapse meant nothing.

He’s only exhausted. Too tired to shutter the devastation on his face, every crack of Dean’s heart was on full display. He’s not in the mood to fight with Sam, either, aware he needed him more than he needed to lash out. He’s broken and couldn’t even manage the energy to toss Jack into the fires like he imagined himself doing.

Instead, Dean embraced him. He watched the smoke of his angel’s body drift upwards, Cas leaving him for good, forever, and rested his chin against the small, soft head of Cas’s destroyer.

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