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moongothic · 2 years ago

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Crocodad AU where immidiately after having left Dragon and his baby boy Crocodile finds an 11 year old Robin. And while he's 100% only recruiting her so they can make a beeline for the Poneglyph and Pluton in Alabasta by the two of them... Crocodile accidentally sorta kinda adopts Robin.

At this point Robin's been running for her life from the Government for three years so her deep trust issues and fear of betrayal are starting to take root in her little heart. Like perhaps they haven't taken fully over yet, and being still a child I'm sure Robin might've still had that genuine hope that she could find a safe place to stay in. But I'm sure the though of "what'll he'll do with me once he gets what he wants?" would be nagging at her at the back of her mind. Meanwhile Crocodile's struggling between the pain and hurt he's already gone through and given him his trademark trust issues, as well as the aftermath of The Dragodile Divorce. But he also has his Fresh Paternal Instincts and probably misses his baby. So when given a small, scared child who is running for her life, being chased by the very same Government that'll want his son dead if they ever find out about him... Yeah that might fuck with your brain a little

You know this post was supposed to be just that first paragraph and just a few footnotes from the following two paragraphs. And then I kept on Having Thoughts. And I kept on writing them down. And oh no what happened when did this post get so long (Look I was going to either kept on writing my Additional Thoughts in the tags or I just put them in the actual fucking post)

Like considder this: based on this one SBS, we can kinda tell that if Crocodile was given a chance to raise a child, that child would be a spoiled little shit, right

So in this scenario, where Crocodile's looking after lil Robin, would he be kind of torn? Unsure how to feel about her?

Because on one hand, this strange child would have the potential to not only ruin his plans, strip him of his Shichibukai Privileges by outing him and his plans to the World Government, but also put his son in grave danger by extension (if she found out about him having been involved with the Revolutionaries and/or having a child). But on the other hand, his paternal instincts could make him want to spoil this poor little girl rotten. But only because he needs to (perhaps literally) buy her trust so she'll behave. No other reason, he doesn't feel sorry for her one bit, no sirree. (But maybe he did feel sorry for her, since his son could very well end up exactly like her. Poor little thing) (Which is why he needs to nuke Marijoa out of orbit as soon as possible, no matter the cost, and this child can't get in the way of Crocodile protecting his son) (But also this is a child. Like how bad could she be. Besides all he really needs to do to win her trust is be nice and make her feel safe, right?)

Of course, while I'm suggesting Crocodile could have some parental instincts, realistically, he hasn't actually spent any time being, you know, a father to a child (looking after his newborn for an unknown though short amount of time aside), so it's possible he wouldn't even know how to parent Robin even if he wanted to, would he? (Like taking care of a newborn and an 11 year old kid aren't the same either) So if he was kind of just emotionally flipflopping between No Trusting Ever and It's Just A Kid for God's Sake, Crocodile trying to be nice to Robin to make her feel safe and then telling himself to stop being so soft and vunerable... Yeah that would make for an absolute mess of a relationship. (Not to mention, let's be real, dude's a scary motherfucker too, and a bloody giant compared to itty bitty baby Robin. He could keep on accidentally scaring the shit out of Robin (who would be On Fucking Edge To Begin With) by just Being Himself. Like for example, can you fucking imagine if he caught Robin trying to cheer herself up with a little "dereshishishi" only to tell her to stop because "it was stupid"? 'Cause I can imagine him doing that, and boy howdy would that make Robin feel bad)

Or who knows, maybe Crocodile was just Born To Be A Dad, maybe he just Fucking Gets It. Like Crocodile is canonically pretty good at manipulating people to do what he wants them to do (see: how he played Vivi like a fiddle), so knowing Robin's position and understanding how she feels, maybe he COULD completely nail how she needed to be treated. Not being too familiar but still making her feel safe and happy, knowing exactly when to be stern and when to spoil her, etc. Dude just goes off and wins the Dad of the Year Award while being a deadbeat dad himself. The only thing Crocodile would have to worry about then would be making sure HE doesn't get too fond of her. And certainly that could never happen, he's so in-touch with his own feelings and so grounded, he's not a softie, get outta here. Or maybe he does but never realizes until it's too late and good luck backpedalling on those emotions now dumbass

Alright so, the reason I went on that whole rmble is just that like. I'm so interested in the relationship Robin and Crocodile already have in canon. I'm so facinated and curious about how the two feel about each other, considdering they did spend 4 whole years of their lives together as criminal business partners, though neither ever trusted the other. A partnership that was only ended because Robin betrayed Crocodile, out of her own trauma. (God, I want to see these two "reunite" so bad, I want to know how they feel about each other now after the timeskip and Robin joining the idiot in flipflops who foiled Croc's plans)

My question here is just that... if they had met 13 years earlier, would things have been different? Especially if Crocodad Real? Because as I mentioned in the begining, Robin would've been on the run for only 3 years by this point, as opposed to 16 years before running into Crocodile. Simultaneously, this would be before Crocodile went onto spend an entire decade all alone, slowly losing his marbles in his emotional solitude. They'd both be emotionally traumatized, yes, but would it have been as bad in this scenario? Like I did start this post kind of joking about Crocodile adopting Robin, and for clarity's sake I don't think they'd have like a father-daughter relationship nececarily. But it would be a strange relationship still, because we'd have two broken people, both struggling to trust anyone. One who had lost her mother and her only friends, leaving her all alone and afraid while running for her life. The other a father who had just given up his son whom he probably missed dearly. Both having these holes in their hearts from loss of family, holes that could not be filled with replacements. But could they find comfort in each other anyway, because they still as people occupy similar roles to their respective loved ones? If they both could just get over those trust issues?

Okay I've been going off on the Emotional Side Of Things for this AU Concept, THERE'S PLOT TOO

So if Crocodile did pick Robin up like 19 years ago, that should be before he set up base in Alabasta, long before he had built is homebase and financial empire etc.

Now the thing is, while we don't know when, where and how Crocodile learned about the Ancient Weapons, Pluton specifically and how the lead on it would be in Alabasta... Considdering Crocodile did once upon a time aim to become Pirate King, it would make perfect sense if he had learned about Poneglyphs during his past adventures, as he would have needed to get the Road Poneglyphs to find One Piece. And while the World Government did bury the truth about why Ohara had been burned down and why Robin had been given her bounty (remember, the WG claimed it was because she had sunken a fleet of battleships, which she had not, it was because she could read the Poneglyphs), considdering this is a Crocodad AU specifically, you could totally make an argument Crocodile could've learned about what actually happened to Ohara from Dragon and co. So, just to make this AU work, you could just assume Crocodile learned about the concept of the Ancient Weapons from Dragon. And who knows, maybe he overheard the truth about why Robin had been given her bounty from Dragon too (maybe Dragon was able to get intel from Garp in secret) or while going to Marijoa himself to attend a Shichibukai meeting or something IDK.

Maybe he learned about Pluton being in Alabasta before finding Robin by accident, and maybe they made a beeline for Alabasta the second Croc recruited Robin. Travelling takes time and the guy would've most likely had to find an Eternal Pose to Alabasta just to get there (also canonically Robin didn't enter the Grand Line until her 20s so they should've met in West Blue probably, since that's where Ohara was) Or maybe Crocodile had to haul Robin around for a few months while looking for That Missing Piece of Information that would lead him to Alabasta. (Imagine the two travelling from like island to island, library to library, Crocodile trying to find that leads while Robin's just so excited about ALL THESE BOOKS (she's helping too with the research) (but to her, research is playtime, so she's just having the time of her life) (Also, notice how Crocodile's Theoretical Child is a fucking loser ass nerd? Yeah Crocodile would encourage Robin reading and studying, surely. And that would be fucking cute))

But like, once they set sail to Alabasta...

Sure, Crocodile could try to do it The Slow Way that we know he tried in canon, building trust and creating his little empire etc. But also, in canon, Crocodile couldn't have jumped into action head first because without Robin, even if he had found the Poneglyph he couldn't have read it and found the location of Pluton. Crocodile choosing to do it the slow way may have been partially because he didn't have much of a choise and it could've felt like the smarter move long-term.

But in this scenario, he already has Robin. Yes, he could do it the slow, secure way.

But what'd be there stopping him from infiltrating Cobra's palace and kidnapping him (in the night, when nobody suspects a thing), demanding Cobra to spill the beans lest Crocodile kills him and/or his pregnant wife* (*Vivi was born 10 months after Luffy so depending on how long it's been between Crocodad leaving Luffy behind and this scenario... Yeah either the wife is there, still pregnant, or there's a newborn Baby Vivi)

Like it'd be a risky move but depending on how ballsy Croc's feeling and how confident he feels in being able to kidnap the king without being noticed... Yeah he could probably do it. And I'm sure he'd have no problem killing Cobra either, if anything it'd be required if he didn't want the Government to find out he was out to find Pluton, and god knows Cobra would tell on Crocodile if left alive. I could see Crocodad being maybe a little iffy about killing Baby Vivi though (it's not like the newborn baby could report him to the WG anyways), but if nothing else, he just needs to be able to pull off the bluff of his life to convince Cobra to do as he's told. And we all know Crocodile's good at convincing people.

The only question is, how would Robin take that?

Watching Crocodile go into Full Murder Mode, hearing him say he'd kill a pregnant woman/a newborn baby if he didn't get what he wanted? Like yeah, I'm sure 11 year old Robin would be fine with that, that wouldn't make any alarm bells go off in her head at all, it'd be fiiiine. IT WOULD NOT BE FINE, SHE'D BE SCARED SHITLESS. That fear of "what will he do with me when he gets what he wants"? Well, Robin may not have found the answer to that question in particular, but she certainly found the answer to the opposite question, and it's not good

So say Cobra, kidnapped (perhaps with Baby Vivi) by Crocodile in the night, guides the two to the Poneglyph under the tombs. Crocodile puts Cobra out of his misery because he's not needed anymore. And he asks Robin to read the Poneglyph for him.

Robin, who has spent the last little while, be it weeks or months with Crocodile, him having become her "guardian", the thing keeping her safe. Crocodile, who has now shown how cold blooded and cruel he can be. Robin, who might be scared out of her mind. Of him.

And the Poneglyph says Pluton, the thing Crocodile wants, isn't there. It's in Wano.

What's she going to do?

EDIT: I wrote a sequel post, enjoy

#Moon posting #OP Meta #Sir Crocodile #Crocodad #Nico Robin #THIS POST WAS AN ACCIDENT. I DON'T KNOW HOW THIS HAPPENED. WHY DID I WRITE THIS. WHAT DEMON POSSESSED ME #I'm sure someone's written this already right #Right #Surely this fanfic already exists #Please tell me it exists #I dunno what to tell you I am not immune to a Juicy AU #Anyway on a more wholesome side of things: Robin accidentally calling Crocodile ''dad'' and he just inhales and swallows his whole cigar #Nearly chockes to death. Gets burns on his throat.#Robin feeling less alienated because of her DF ability because Croc has seen weirder AND is made of sand himself #If anything if they're literally by themselves then Robin being able to literally lend a hand to Croc at any time could be extremely useful #Like. In regular life situations. 'Cause Croc only has one hand. And Robin as many as she wants. Perfect duo.#(Also if they were travelling on like a small ship then it'd probably be built for a Tall Motherfucker like Croc right)#(Robin's ability would just make the ship more accessible to her and Croc would find that independence good)#Robin still gets a codename because Croc can't have anyone realize who she is. Maybe she even wears like a mask or summin' in public #If Crocodile's openly trans and the news of him transitioning recently broke out. Like. No avoiding that convo eh #Baby Robin's like ''...I read in a book once that some reptiles can change sex but I didn't know crocodiles could do it too''#''💦.../Humans/ can't do that normally either''#''Hmmmm. Weird. I don't think being a girl would suit you though'' // ''...I'll take that as a compliment''#I just. I think they could have really cute interactions if they warmed up to each other after a little while #And I'm Extremely Normal about that

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roseguided · 2 months ago

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vent? call out but not really under the cut

it's come to my attention that someone within the hotd/asoiaf rpc is going into other people's dms and telling lies about me and a few other people. saying i am bullying cali (@/snowfyres) and lexi (@/bigdaddydamon / stolenfates / realmsctuelty ) when that's not true nor has it ever. i assume they're saying this because i have these two people on my dni list which i have done for my own comfort and not some personal grudge or vendetta against them. ask anyone, i am the least confrontational person alive. i hate conflict, but i can't sit here and let someone lie about me and these other people anymore. esp. when its cali and lexi, along with some others, who started the entire mess by harassing and slandering a friend of mine for MONTHS and causing them emotional and mental distress because of it.

the original call-out for these people can be found here.

i added these people to my dni list because i do not like their attitudes nor the content i've seen on their blogs in regards to the usage/writing of young rhaenyra for daemyra content. that's all there was to it and never once have i confronted, sent mean messages, anons, or spoken about these people in a bad way, or anything to others, to themselves or even posted about it on the dash. i do not make vagues because i have enough maturity to reach out and speak to someone directly if i have an issue with them. if anyone wanted to know why i have them on my dni list, all they had to do was message me to ask and i would've been honest. but, i've received no messages or asks about it.

besides, last time i checked ... people are allowed to have whoever they want on their dni list for one reason or another. in my case, it was what was listed above ^ as well as discomfort -- i am in my right to do so. just like how people use the block button however they see fit, it is a personal choice to curate your space, protect your peace, and have boundaries. no one owes anyone anything on tumblr and i dont understand why some people feel the need to act so childish and down right mean to another person when the mature thing to do is to remove people you dont like, disagree with, by blocking them and moving on. not dragging a situation on for months, after most people in said situation have moved on or are actively trying to, and causing another person mental and emotional distress constantly !

i am not a bully and nor would i ever be. having someone on a dni list doesn't automatically mean you hate them nor does it equal harassment or bullying as they seem to be claiming.

#OUT.#this is all im saying or engaging w this #any anon msg i may get from this will be ignored. no one is going to bully me or make me feel like i dont belong on my own blog.#nor should they to anyone else. nor for standing up for my friend / myself.#and if you choose to look at the original call out pls advise its tags!#i hate to bring this on the dash but these people have been constantly - nonstop almost - dragging a situation on for months and causing #distress over it when they should've done the mature thing and blocked and moved on. it's insane to me.#but im also tired of sitting by n not saying anything. esp when its now me involved in bullying allegations which i would never do #to another person because i wouldnt want it done to me. why is that such a hard concept?#i havent ever followed interaction or engaged with lexi personally. nor have i ever spoken to her.#and as for cali i havent enaged with her for minimum of the last 6 months since my grandma got sick. and havent used her resources since #sometime last yr.#so idk where they're getting bullying or harassment?#vent //#vent cw #negative //#negative cw

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igotthatgirlfailureinme · 8 months ago

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how it feels to be one of three people who simultaneously thinks that zoro could potentially be attracted to women as well as men and also not be fucking everyone in the series

#one piece #roronoa zoro #hear me out guys #bi/pan zoro funny #he's just a goober bro he is NOT taming anyone #leave him alone #when i say attracted to women i mean in a gay way #you know what i mean?#everyone who characterizes him more or less correctly hcs him as gay #but i just think him not giving a shit about gender has comedic potential #the appeal of bisexual zoro to me i think is just that one scene with kiku where he calls her a sizeable woman #the hesitation the way he says damn 😭#it's so funny dude #ngl i think he just has a lot of love to give he's just terrible at it #cause he obviously loves all his crewmates he's just also an asshole i fear #affectionately #i feel the need to clarify that i think that zosan is super awesome #i just also think zoro finding women hot would be funny

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musicat9 · 16 days ago

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can't believe it's my first time drawing teo and this is what i make

#✨🔩✨#oc tag: teo #and fern!#*holds up ferret to the camera* have you seen her? now you have :)#why is it teo who gets the silly doodle dump as his introduction. how did that happen #trying to figure out a design for him was hard bc i kept just automatically picturing him w modern hiking gear instead #still haven't really fully figured it out. just the basic concept of what if long coat + boots #though actually i've given a lot of these guys coats but i somehow haven't given anyone a big cape or cloak yet. maybe i'll give teo that #instead whenever i actually do a full design for him #anyway. introducing teo. the hunter of my octopath ocs. not as silly as these intro doodles would imply #path actions provoke/mug (w mug not able to use monsters. the same way provoke is only using monsters. to balance it technically being two #fight path actions)#he used to be part of this hunter group that. i'll give them a proper name later but for now i've been calling them the poachers even thoug #that's not technically accurate but that's very much the vibe. would kill anything for fame wealth + glory w no regard to the effect on the #natural ecosystem. then one day a hunt went terribly wrong. one of the younger members of the group died + investigating the 'lair' afterwa #*afterward teo found that the creature had babies. the reason it was fighting so hard was to try to protect them. and the poachers killed #it as a trophy #and teo had this realization of. what we're doing isn't good actually. and no amount of money or fame will bring that dead apprentice back #so he left. ran off to live alone in the woods. took the last survivor of the dead creature's kids with him to raise #intending to just look after it until it was old enough to take care of itself but by the time it grew up it had gotten attached to him +#decided to stay + that's where fern comes from!#anyway that's all the backstory. fast forward a few years. teo's story actually starts when another of the poachers shows up at his home in #the woods trying to get him to come back for one last hunt. causes a bunch of other problems along the way. + teo decides that leaving #wasn't enough + he has to put a stop to the poachers himself #anyway. fern being a ferret/weasel thing was specifically inspired by the giant weasel enemies that probably exist in both games but i dist #*distinctly remember getting absolutely killed by in octopath 1. so. make of that what you will i guess #giant weasels are cool! but at the start of the story while she's grown enough she could leave + live on her own in the wild if she wanted #fern's still very much a juvenile. not at her full adult size + strength yet. she'll get there #corinaya gang

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viatrix-glow · 1 year ago

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producer

#my art #second one is from last year i just never shared it cause i didn’t want to post it #all on its own #but now i have a new one to go with it #love drawing her w their outfits i think she probably dances to their songs on her own time #need to draw more of her interacting w them but it’s a little embarrassing to actually draw it out yknow #also need to draw her interacting w switch????#she still doesn’t have a name but i just like calling her producer so it’s fine #all pose pictures are from pinterest #if anyone wants to tell me who the idol in white is i would love to learn she is gorgeous

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fujouppy · 6 months ago

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anything can be about medalist if u just believe in urself . anything

#this is literally hikaru about jun . or like it would be her if she hadnt decided to leave the miniature garden #(i Need to know what she means by this. i didnt dare hope for her to train under tsukasa but ive seen someone on twitter say #that maybe she could train under him temporarily like how rioh did? and that seems actually possible)#(cause like aint no way inoris main rival is just gonna go train under the same guy as her Forever now)#but yeah . jun is alone. he does not really have anyone his only oomfs are coach sonidori and Maybe leonid on a good day #but like he has never had an inori . he also doesnt think highly of inori that much is obvious #but hikaru loves her . she loves inori so much and sees her as such a wonderful determined person #and thanks to inori she is not alone in this world where nobody has ever consistently stayed by her side #(her parents died she left the kamisaki household and now shes left her adoptive family too)#and later was also never able to catch up to her too #(shes the greatest novice skater in japan! they call kids her age part of the kamisaki generation! shes just that good!)#jun never had someone like that. and well look how he turned out #i think had hikaru not decided to leave him/lower his influence on her life in some way/leave the garden she wouldve ended up like him too #but shes not letting that happen . and i just think thats so sweet oh god ive been on such a hikaru kick lately i love her sm #voidcore.txt

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wizardnuke · 1 year ago

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loudly bitching about someone over the phone for 40 minutes straight at work while coworkers sideeye me. sorry. i have never shown this behavior before and itll be another two years before i do it again

#THERAPEUTIC. incredible things happening.#this person. me and this guy both love this person. but Oh my God.#he called to tell me abt something that kind of pissed him off last night and i started talking about a month and a half ago #why are we handholding this grown ass person thru fomo and massive control issues. well. it's not a dealbreaker but i might blow up one day #oscillating between 'yes i love them' and 'i've been pissed for a month and a half'#the horrors of having a interconnected friend group? it's really just two people i would really really hate to lose. others wouldn't be as #affected but those two. i love them. and AGAIN it's not a dealbreaker it's just kind of a buildup of behaviors. anyone remember my bitchy #post about the fomo/anxiety essay #also smaller things like Why are you trying to micromanage two disc servers that you dont have to lift a fucking finger in #um. my beloved irl if you see this. you didn't. i do love her to death. you know i do #the issue is if i put out all my issues they would take it really badly like they would act like it's the end of the fucking world #when i'm just like hey i am not your mother or your therapist and also stop trying to tell me what to fucking do #they would. um. lose it.#and some people are gonna get hit in the crossfire and i don't want to cause that. even tho it. wouldnt really be me.

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tinakibed · 1 year ago

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got called baby by a girl today 😭🩷💕

#tbh....im like almost convinced im a lesbian....#however i already broke up with my bf once cause i thought that and i dont want to do it again 😞#but man. guys just do not affect me the way girls do #it took me so long not to be a little grossed out by my boyfriend flirting with me and then one little comment by a girl has me 💕#anyways doesnt matter. i would like to be friends with this girl but i cannot approach her cause thats scary #i hope she'll talk to me 😭 i would love to have friends lol #OH YEAH #also i told my bf about what happened and hes like did you punch her #and i was like no #so he goes i'll remember that. i'll start calling girls baby and beautiful now #like???? thats not the same thing!!! im not calling anyone anything 😭 i cant help what other people say

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lynxalon · 1 year ago

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HOLY SHITTTTTTTTTTTTT THAT CRITROLE EP WAS AMAZING!!!!!!!!!! im SO glad we had the set up of the last one so we could have the big thrills of this!!!!!!!!! this had everything!! it had ira's bad (and good!) decisions! it had sam's out of pocket wacky can shenanigans!! it had deception and sneaking! it had badass plays and some.. eye-catching talents 👀 it had gross shit that's kinda actually sad if u think about it! it had walking (running) away from explosions (NOT a sunglasses moment this was a loserfail) it had .. terrifying parents. it had imodna momence !! :D it even had some unprecedented wins for our typically fighty/flighty adventurers!!! i will ABSOLUTELY be watching that again come monday!!!!!!!!!!

#lynx speaks #cr spoilers #now to expand upon these!!! i am THRILLED that there has been a more overt notice of orym's hex 😏#thats what i've been excited for for aaaaaaages i adore orym esp when he gets a little more fucked up #what can i say im a bit of an angst fan myself :D #fcg gave ira SUCH a bad time tho like CMON BBYYYYY 1 MINUTE ?!?!?!?!?!! yall r LUCKY yalls r cool af #also tho.... ira actually saving fearne like 👀 i see it!!! i think simply everyone likes fearne and everyone would save her 😎#and team infiltrate i loooved imogen's use of that damn .. what was it called ? the damn static bomb that was sick as hell!!!#and hey!! both teams got in and out without anyone catching on that it was bells hells helping!#is that a first for bh? cause it sure feels like it TBH like the feywild malleus key stunt did NAWT go this smoothly #even with the bumps they had they did terrific frfr #esp with imogen setting up oryms badass fighter play and launda and chet setting each other up for success #and it does FEEL like imogen is more powerful on ruidus just from the plays she makes like the static spell and how it set Everyone up #to protect them all and keep their enemies in bad positions so that bh had good positions #they barely got hits and orym and chet took the brunt of it #they got out everoa and themselves without too much hassle and i'd say team mcfuckin 'splosion did pretty fucken well too #more damage on their side but. thatssss not their fault thats mainly on ira (and fcg 😂)#gosh. goshhh. what a good fucking episode. and sorrowlord zathuda. and liliana. fuck bro.#zathuda is SCARY #and liliana i meaaaaaaan. hun what did u THINK 🧐 imogen meant when she told u to run?? 🤔 'did she know' u know the answer to that.#i was definitely excited cause. we knew the volition were gonna fail in killing liliana. but i felt in my heart that she was gonna #feel betrayed by imogen. despite creating the scenario in which imogen must 'betray' her.#i LOVE fucked up mothers cant waaaaait to see what happens next !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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wickedhawtwexler · 2 years ago

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my gaydar is so-so but my adhd-dar has not been wrong yet

#my coworker: i'm like 90% sure i have adhd #me: i am 100% sure girl go get yourself some adderall #on the flip side one of my discord friends. one of my other friends & i were talking about our adhd experiences #and she couldn't relate but then a few months later she was like “oh i have adhd too!” and was throwing all the popular buzzwords around #and i was like hmmmmm sounds like someone has been on tiktok #i'm not one to gatekeep but it was sooo annoying. how many times can a person use the word “hyperfixate” in one day #anyway she said recently that she & her therapist realized it was anxiety causing focus issues and i was like yeah. i kinda called that #(in my head i would not say that out loud i am a Supportive Friend and also not a psychologist)#poor girl's life has been TOO MUCH lately and it's like. anyone who COULD focus despite all the chaos is superhuman #m.txt

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thetimelordbatgirl · 2 years ago

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I'm only now watching videos on Colleen's Ukulele apology, and just...dear god, the lyrics...I think they actually killing me in so many ways, including cringe, disgust and just audacity of this bitch.

#i find it hiliarous she admits straight up her pr people told her no dont speak on this #but she decided to sing cause they didnt say not to #like sorry were they supposed to duck tape your mouth????#....wait that might be a pro if they do #and just 'oh im sorry i didnt know you were so perfect' while trying to claim it was a mistake #girl i know people who make mistakes #including myself #none of them are what you did colleen #that shit aint a mistake #and i doubt anyone calling her out would claim to be perfect #but shes playing victim so she gotta do this shit i guess

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dear-ao3 · 7 months ago

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so. as you may know it’s christmas eve. as you probably don’t know i am eastern european. and probably the only real tradition anyone holds onto is christmas eve. normally my great aunt does all the food and very begrudgingly sometimes lets everyone help make like. one thing.

well.

this year. the year of our lord two thousand and twenty four. she decided she was done cooking and it was up to everyone else.

so i got a phone call from my mom a few weeks ago being like hey so. you’re making the cake. got it? good.

the cake in question is a walnut cake. i was entrusted with my great aunts recipe about seven years ago. i’ve made it twice. the first time i fucked up the frosting quantity. the second time i fucked up the eggs. both times were passable at best and notably! my great aunt did not taste either of them.

and i have to make this cake. on christmas eve. it is dessert. for everyone. my extended family will all be eating the cake. the walnut cake. on christmas eve. even my great aunt.

so yesterday, december 23 if you are counting, i went on the annual Last Minute Christmas Food Shopping Trip with my father, watched him climb into the case to get his half and half like he does every year, and stressed about my cake as i made sure i had all of the ingredients.

then. we went to my great aunts house. where i was met with Trial Number 1: The Cognac

this cake has cognac in the frosting. not a big deal really. except for the fact that my mom hates that there is cognac in the frosting. (my mom is hell bent on making christmas eve dinner vaguely healthier. no one else agrees.) and i was to be making the cake in my moms house.

also important to note: we (as in my parents) do not own cognac. mostly because none of us drink.

so my great aunt is like oh i have to give you the cognac. cause she knows. i am baking the cake. the walnut cake. (my dad told her. he is a traitor). and i say okay. sure. this won’t be a problem at all.

so she gives me. a shot of cognac. and when i say a shot. i mean an Entirely Full Shot Glass of Three Hundred Dollar Cognac. in a jar. for the cake. the walnut cake. that i have to make.

upon bringing the cognac home my mom says no we’re not putting that in. the cognac sits on the counter in its jar. no one touches it.

then i was met with Trial Number 2: The Frosting.

this recipe requires a pound of chopped walnuts. first. i couldn’t even find the walnuts. my sister and i searched high and low and in every cabinet we could find but no nuts. i called my mom. and said mom where are the walnuts? and she said. “they’re in the nut bag behind the basement door.”

oh of course. how could i have missed the nut bag? a holiday bag full of bags of nuts that was half hidden by wrapping paper and also behind a door?

in any case. could i have used a food processor? absolutely. did i? no. half because i forgot and half because i didn’t want to accidentally grind the walnuts into a paste. so i enlisted the help of my younger sister to chop the walnuts By Hand while i embarked on the real devil: the frosting.

which remember. is supposed to have cognac.

so i cream my butter. i add my sugar. i’m careful not to over sugar. i taste it a million times. i add my coffee and my vanilla extract (instead of cognac. which is still sitting on the counter) and it was all going so well until. the butter rebelled.

now remember. one time when i made this. seven years ago. i made too little frosting. so i made more this time. and i thought i had all my conversions right but evidently i did not because suddenly there was too much liquid in my frosting and it split.

the frosting for the walnut cake that everyone was going to eat. on christmas eve. the very next day.

i felt like a contestant on great british bake-off getting smited by the tent.

so i did the logical thing and shoved the whole mess into the fridge hoping that it would sort itself out overnight.

then it was time to face Trial Number Three: The Cake Itself.

as i have said this cake is a walnut cake. the christmas eve walnut cake that has been at christmas eve longer than i have been alive. and it requires no less than ten egg whites. which i whipped and i added to my walnuts and shoved the whole thing into the oven in my two baking dishes.

only to discover no less than 40 minutes later that the batter in the pans was Not Even (despite my best efforts). so i cooked one longer than the other and hoped that i hadn’t monumentally fucked up the walnut cake. like i had the frosting. which was in the fridge. and i was ignoring.

which leads to Trial Number Four: The Egg Yolk Cake

see i had ten egg yolks. i didn’t know what to do with them. my mom said flush them. my dad said make a custard. i proposed making egg nog. my mom said she didn’t want it in the house cause it was too fattening (a blatantly incorrect statement. please, if you are reading this, go drink a glass of eggnog. or some other fun festive drink. food is for the soul.) so i produced a recipe for an egg yolk pound cake. i made it. i still don’t know if it came out good cause i haven’t tasted it. i hope it did. but that was not the point. the point is the walnut cake. the christmas eve walnut cake.

and the following morning i was met with Trial Number Five: The Frosting Part 2

first i threw my failed frosting back in the mixer and it immediately secreted a brackish combination of vanilla extract and coffee so i did the only thing i could. facetimed my dad and said “father there are problems abound.” and he gave me the fatherly advice of “make it again.”

and so i did.

with more correct measurements. still scared it would split at any second.

though it didn’t.

and i didn’t add the cognac.

maybe no one will be able to tell???

my mom said that if anyone asks the first batch of frosting failed and i had to toss it. this is technically true.

but i had frosting. i had two uneven cakes. and it was time for Trial Number Six: Decorating

decorating cakes is easily in my top ten least favorite activities. decorating the christmas eve walnut cake is easily in my top three least favorite activities. because i am terrible at decorating cakes. and also because it has a filling.

the filling is jam. and i once again made the wrong choice because i put the jam on first before the frosting. which to be fair is what the directions say. but as everyone knows, the directions in recipes you get from your eastern european great aunt are not the real directions. so now i had to smear butter cream. on top of jam. for the filling of the walnut cake. for christmas eve. that we would be eating in a few hours.

and we didn’t have a cake plate. we had a large dish.

i had to use my fingers. i had to use three spatulas. i got jam everywhere. but i did it. and as soon as i set the top cake on top of the filling i realized my monumental mistake: i was supposed to trim down the cakes.

so now they were uneven. and lopsided. and there was nothing i, a mere mortal tasked with the impossible task of making christmas eve walnut cake, could do about it.

so i continued to spread my frosting. which i had enough of. and tried and failed to not get jam everywhere.

in the end it was almost presentable. not great. slightly lopsided. and definitely not as nice as any of my great aunts cakes.

which left me with Trial Number 7: Chilling It

our fridge was being taken up by other important christmas eve things (though not as important as my cake. the walnut cake) so i had to put it in the car. which was fine because there is snow on the ground.

i covered my cake. the walnut cake. in tin foil and hoped i wouldn’t accidentally squish it. and then i went outside. i tried to steal my moms shoes to walk outside. she was not impressed.

“you know, saph,” she said. “some of the time you’re pretty great. the other half of the time you’re really weird.”

i could not agree more.

i put my cake on the trunk. prayed to the cake gods and went inside.

on the one hand if the cake is good, i will be stuck making walnut cake for christmas eve for the rest of my life. on the other hand, if it sucks i will never have to make another one.

Trial Number Eight: The Tasting still waits.

#not a tag #from saph #no i’m not stressed at all why do you ask #the walnut cake

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