#yay they graduated without issue

[jschrepp-illustrations]

Class of 1181 Yearbook - Blue Lions

[maximumkillshot]

Supernatural Masterlist

PSA- ANYTHING LABELED WITH “SMUT”, “18+”, OR OTHER WARNINGS SHOULD BE FOLLOWED. THEY CONTAIN ADULT SITUATIONS THAT ARE MEANT FOR ADULTS ONLY! HEED MY WARNINGS, I DON’T USE THEM LIGHTLY! 

ALL BELOW 18, DO NOT READ MY STUFF THAT IS LABELED AS INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOUR YOUNG EYES! COME BACK AT 18 AND I WILL WELCOME YOU WITH OPEN ARMS.

ALL WORK IS UNDER ME AND MY BLOG. DO NOT TRY TO REPUBLISH OR STEAL MY WORK, AS THAT IS COPYRIGHTED UNDER ME AND IS CONSIDERED COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT. 

ANY WORK THAT YOU SEE ON OTHER SITES THAT ARE MY WORKS PLEASE NOTIFY ME IMMEDIATELY.

**********************************************************************

Welcome one and All above 18 for the most part!

Here you will find all of my Supernatural works!! ENJOY!

She Wouldn’t be Into a Guy Like Me- DeanxReader   Warnings: smut (unprotected [don’t party without a hat at home kids]), language,angst, LONG? yes, WORTH IT? HELL YEAH

As If Hunters Are a Thing, Right? Part I-    Warnings: angst, descriptions of depression, character deaths, vivid imagery of crime scenes, drinking

Tear Me Down Pt 1- DeanxReader     Warnings: angst,drinking, gore, possession, descriptions of said possession, slight self esteem issue if you really look hard, just a whole slab of Sadness really

Tear Me Down Pt 2 “Now”- DeanxReader    Warnings: bit of angst in the beginning, depression, descriptions of possession, FLUFFY AS ALL HELL, make out (if that needs a warning?)

I Can’t Explain It- DeanxReader  Warnings: Angst with a wee bit o’ fluff 

“I Know My Baby Better Than You Anyway”-   Warnings: smut (unprotected [don’t party without a hat at home kids]), language, the reader being a bit of a smart ass, slightly insecure reader, super fluff at the end

Until The End of Time-    DeanxReader   Warnings:OK this is what I call, SUPER FLUFF… It is semi lethal at times… I figured that a Monday needs a little !Pregnant ReaderX!Daddy Dean love.

How Can I Put This?-   SamxReader Warnings: negative body image of the reader, Sammy being Cute as all hell, semi-fluffy, almost smut (Coming in Part 2)

“How Can I Put This?” Part II_ “Well In That Case”-   Warnings: SMUT with protection (yay I remembered!), oral sex (Female receiving GRAPHIC), dry humping, All around dirty (seriously I need to go to church now), IT’S LONG y’know like Sam?, fluff at the end, Pairing: SamxReader,   A/N: I have never said this before, but seriously, this is for 18+ users! I had to stop writing for a bit because I got all worked up. This is your only warning…enjoy! I’m Actually Thinking the Contrary of Disgust-   Warnings: negative body image of the reader, language, fluffy, Dean’s a sweetheart in this one, implied smut at the end, Sick reader  Pairing: Dean x Sick!Reader  Characters: Reader, Sam, Dean A/N: I came down with a really bad cold and it inspired this! Dean is a supersweetheart in this one.. the fluff is super strong! enjoy the fic guys!

Where Do I Sign?- Warnings: Language, Mentions of Mental Illness, Depression, Anxiety, Mentions of Medication and being without said Medication, General Angst… This one is heavy but gets fluffy… you have been warned.   Pairing: Dean x Reader   Characters: Dean x Reader, Sam, other characters are mentioned   A/N: Hello everyone, so this is a piece that I came up with yesterday! The lovely @emoryhemsworth Beta’d this one for me so thank you once again sweetheart and Congratulations on your graduation!!!!

Writer’s Block- DRABBLE   Warnings: for the first time none really! Just gets a bit steamy at the end, enjoy my people! Pairing: Dean xReader  Characters:Reader,Dean A/N: This is a drabble that I came up with when I had writer’s block a while back. I think that now’s the perfect time to release it since my other fic isn’t quite ready yet so enjoy this drabble in it’s place! The other one should be out some time in the coming week. 

I Will Never Deserve-  Warnings: some descriptive language, cursing, fluffy Dean, angry Dean, whole bunch of Dean feels really, insecure reader    Pairing: Dean x Reader   Characters: Reader x Dean, Sam   A/N: Ok so I kid you not this happened to me. I have been interested in a guy for a while (relationship wise). We haven’t talked in forever and then a few months later, he starts to conversate with me and basically asks me to be in a threesome…. with himself and his girlfriend…I DIDN’T DO IT! I altered parts of the conversation that I put in. So this fic is a bit of what I wish someone would have said to me… of the Dean variety.   (all the way up to the read more line is the basic summation of what happened)

She’s Mine-Warnings: A/B/O dynamics (claiming, knotting, the like), cursing, semi NSFW GIFS,  longgg as fuuuuuuuuuuccckkkkk but worth it (trust me)   Pairing: Dean x Reader   Characters: Dean x Reader, Sam, Cas   A/N: Ok so this is my first time trying A/B/O dynamics… I had a very good fried of mine @emoryhemsworth Beta this for me and she did an awesome job! So shout out to her!!  Also @kittenofdoomage I hope your proud!! I’ve been inspired by your A/B/O pieces for a while and I hope you enjoy this piece, you are a legend!!!

It’ll Always Be You- Warnings:SMUT, semi NSFW (Barely) gifs, Language, Nervous!Dean, tiny bit of angst, Long as all hell but worth it for the ending!   Pairing: Dean x Reader   Characters: Dean x Reader, Sam   A/N: Hello People! This is my so so so late admission for @mamaredd123‘s 100 quotes challenge! I am so sorry this is so late. Both my sister and I had surgeries and that put a whole halt to my writing endeavors. I am so happy with the product and I hope that y’all are too.

Since I Saw You- Warnings: None, Unless you aren’t a fan of tooth-rotting fluff, some awkward stuff maybe if you squint.   Pairing: Jensen Ackles x Y/N   Characters: Jensen Ackles, Jared Padalecki, Y/N   A/N: Hello People! Ohh two fics in less than a week? What is going on with me? Well here is my first RPF. This takes place right at the beginning of Supernatural! I mean no disrespect towards Danneel or anyone else in the fic. This is 100% a work of fiction and not meant to harm or hurt anyone at all! Please enjoy! Also let me know if I did good! I’m an insecure writer and I needs the validations!

Needed You (Imagine)-Warnings: Only one, mention of a bad hunt… Other than that a sprig of angst n a giant pile of fluff. Characters: Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Jack, Reader.    A/N: Anonymous asked: Can I request a Jack imagine?Why yes you can, nonny. Yes you can.    For this one I am not sure where you wanted me to go with it, so I am going to try a different approach, I hope you like it! I’ve never written for Jack before but let’s give it a go!

Grandma Got Fucked Over By A Reindeer-Warnings: None really, description of a murder, some cussing, implied future smut, but nothing happens, promise!   Pairing: Dean x Reader   Characters: Dean Winchester, Y/N, Sam Winchester, Jack   A/N: This is for @atc74 ‘s Cards Against Christmas Drabble Challenge. I had so much fun making this. I don’t even know how to define this genre, maybe a crack fic? Enjoy people!! 

Jealousy-Pairing: Dean X Reader   Situation: undercover office hunt where Dean get Jealous of reader getting attention from men that work in the office.   Genre: Smut/Fluff    Warnings: SMUT, FLUFFY AS ALL HELL, !Jealous Dean   Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader,    Characters:  Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Reader,   A/N: Is this a drabble? NO….. DO I CARE? NOT EVENN A BIT!!! I LOVE THE WAY YOU THINK! THIS WAS SO MUCH FUN TO WRITE, Thank you so much for submitting!

For You- Warnings: SMUT, Angst, the lightest bit of BDSM…. Fluffy Smutty Dom Demon Dean…. Yes you read that correctly… I didn’t think it was possible either… but hey, here we are.   Pairing: Fluffy!Dom!Demon! Dean x Reader   Characters: Dean Winchester, Sam  Winchester, Castiel, Reader.   A/N: Here’s another piece for the 606 challenge!!! I’m sorry it’s been a bit, classes started up again and I’m drowning in work, but I was able carve out time for this fic. I am slowly working on When You Call as well so… NOBODY PANIC THERE IS A PART 12 on the way (I may or may not be aiming for this weekend… *wink) In the meantime, please enjoy this fic!

I’ll Tell You What, Winchester- Warnings: None Really, future smut implied   Pairing: Dean x Reader   Characters: Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Reader.   A/N:This is from my 100 follower celebration, so I decided to move it to the 606 because I really want to do some gifs as well. Special thanks to @jayankles who submitted this a while ago (So sorry that it took this long.)

The Pie-Warnings: LETHAL FLUFF(look to tags to avoid spoilers), idk what else but yeah, there yah go!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAN!!!!   Pairing:Dean Winchester x Reader   Characters: Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester,   A/N:Yet another Drabble Done for the 606 celebration/challenge!!! @mamaredd123 Submitted: How about a Dean x Reader, no particular genre, go with a drabble… “How could you forget the pie??”THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR SUBMISSION AND….ENJOY THE FLUFF

She’s  A Knockout- Warnings: Some angst, some spoilers for s14, some fluff, cursing because c’mon it’s me we’re talkin’ about, also some allusion to sexy times.   Pairing: Dean x Donna    Characters: Doug, Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester, Donna   A/N: ONWARD WITH THE 606 CHALLENGE!!! I know I haven’t posted for this in a while, but this submission from @adoptdontshoppets that just started singing to me tonight. The submission is:“Whatcha doin’ here Dean?” + Dean x Donna + Dean shows up at the sheriff’s office to ask Donna on a date + I vote for fluff ‘cause she says ‘yes.’ Though angst if she says no could be interesting too. 🙂 Maxi’s 606

For You Part 2- Warnings: depressing memories, some provoking Demon!Dean, metions of sexy times,  it’s really a prepper for part 3…. if you want it.   Pairing: Dean x Reader   Characters: Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Reader   A/N: If you want part 3 tell me so!!

The Letter- Warnings: Some angst, Jealous!Dean, Sam’s just being Sam, Mentions of Hell and sexy times, nothing too bad, Pg-13 at best… not even really, FLUFFFFFFYYYYY   Pairing: Dean x Reader   Characters: Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Random Dude, Reader (Of course)   A/N: Hello all, I wasn’t able to post over the weekend, but hey! I’m doing it now!!! Enjoy everyone.. It’s FLUFFYY and as always…. GIFS AIN’T MINE!!

Tethered-Warnings: angsty PAIN OWWWW   Pairing:Alpha!Dean x Omega!Reader   Characters: Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester, Reader, (If I said who, it’d be a spoiler.)   A/N:  This was from @jayankles Thanks so much for the gifs hun!!

Sweet Birthday Bash- Warnings: None just lethal fluff, really   Pairing: None   Characters: Ana,Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester , Cass and Jack are mentioned   A/N: This is for the wonderful @anathewierdo to celebrate her birthday!! From her crazy tia Rowena (Vicky)

Right-  Warnings:lethal fluff, smut too, nothing too explicit since tumblr is having an existential crisis…   Pairing: Emory x Dean Winchester   Characters: Emory,Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester , Cass and Jack are mentioned   A/N: Happy birthday to my girl @emoryhemsworth !!! I’ll join you at 24 in a few months!!!

I Need Help-Warnings: Mental Breakdowns, mentions of Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety, depression, and other illnesses, small bit of cursing, fluff, angst, y’know the common roller coaster!   Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader   Characters: Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Reader, Jack    A/N: Hey so… I had an episode. This what I know Dean would do for his number one girl… if she lived with what I have…

Make it Better- Warnings: ANGSTY AF, like it’s bad for a while there, then it gets better. Some cussing possible, mentions of S14 stuffs.   Pairing: Dean x ReaderCharacters: Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester, Reader, OMC Luke, (Multiple other charaters mentioned   A/N: This is from an ask by @carribear31 Her ask reads:  So I have an idea, it could be angsty. Going back to beginning if seadon 14. Dean is free from Michael and comes back to the bunker to find all the AU hunters there. Him and reader have been together for awhile but seeing all these other hunters need her for this and that makes him feel unneeded and useless and even a bit jealous when he notices one other hunter seems to seek her out more then the others. Now with Dean feel sorry for himself and pushing her away she must prove they belong together. Happy ending please! Thank you!

You Had Me - Warnings: Fluff, Smut (I’M DIRTY DON’T JUDGE ME), unprotected sex (always wrap it before you tap it), asshole OMC who has a problem with plus sized women   Pairing: Dean x Reader   Characters: Y/N, Dean Winchester   A/N:Anon asked: Hey I love you’re writing!💕 can I request a dean x plus size reader where the reader is super quirky and shy also super insecure but does all there research and one day the reader gets ask on a date but gets setup and deans comforts his feelings maybe smut?Here you are Nonny!

SERIES LIST (Any Fic series with more than 2 parts):

“When You Call” Masterlist- Ongoing. Main Feels: Angst, Fluff, Smut! A/B/O Dynamics

“All I Could Do” Masterlist- Ongoing. Main Feels: Ansgt, depression, it’s not for the faint of heart, honestly

The Zeppelin Shirt Masterlist- Ongoing. Main Feels: SMUT 18+ only, I could not be more serious with this, honestly. Some angst.

The Situation Masterlist- Ongoing. Main Feels: Hilariously funny... Dean’s a Chick and let’s just say that he’s having issues adjusting womanhood

Disposable Masterlist- Ongoing... Main feels: PAIN PAIN PAIN

Plenty of Woman Masterlist-  Ongoing. Main Feels: Past traumas, Dean trying to fix some real bad shit he did in the past to the reader. There will be fluff and smut spattered around in my humble opinion, not guarenteed though, as all stories take a mind of their own over time. (individual warnings will be in each fic themselves… for the love of everything read and follow them!)

By The Books Masterlist- Ongoing. Main Feels: Lot of school work, flirting, smut to follow. Individual warnings will be in each fic themselves.)

[alex-strike-is-transgender]

Randomly got a fanfic idea:

Constantine basically decides "fuck this I quit" and stops doing the experiments (yay Jericho doesn't die)

Joseph is not okay with this at all, but Constantine had made his decision. He didn't know Joseph was intentionally hurting Jericho but he knew he was hurting Jericho and that was enough to stop the experiments.

Joseph still wants an Enemy of death though, and a few years later Verity Torres, a first year at the time, is revealed as a Makar.

Constantine and Jericho, as well as the rest of that apprentice group, had graduated by then, so there was no one in the school who could tell Verity and her counterweight how painful Joseph's experiments could be .

It takes a lot more to break Verity than it would have for Constantine though, she doesn't trust anyone really and isn't close to anyone, so it takes several deaths to break her. It wasn't just her counterweight, if multiple counterweights died in experiments that would raise too much suspicion, but Joseph either killed or distanced her from everyone she was close to, as well as in general making her life miserable without anything being traced back to him (starting rumors, giving her too much work, not trying to step in/stopping other masters stepping in to protect her from bullying). Him and her counterweight become the only two people she's really close to without anything being traced back to Joseph, and then her counterweight dies in an experiment and it's marked as an accident.

That's when she becomes The Enemy of Death.

Constantine's only reaction to finding out Verity's counterweight died is "good thing we stopped doing the experiments with him", but Jericho asks for Master Rufus to check what's happening because he's seen how much Joseph could hurt the Makar he's working with without them noticing. Master Rufus catches the experiments with raising the dead, and what happens there basically goes the same way as when Constantine was kicked out in cannon.

At this point no one except Jericho is really worried about what's going on, the masters think they stopped the issue by kicking Verity and Joseph out and they made some excuse to tell the assembly about why they had to leave because they didn't want to admit that both a student and teacher were doing illegal experiments in the school and no one noticed.

Idk how to explain this bit but eventually third mage war except Verity is the enemy this time

Constantine spent at least a year refusing to fight because he didn't want to fucking die, but eventually got sick of being asked and decided fuck it I'll do it fine. Jericho refused to be his counterweight for it because he didn't want to die either, Constantine ended up choosing Declan as a new counterweight because he's the one Constantine is the least scared of losing (though still very scared of losing) but can still stand to be around for hours, days or even weeks at a time while fighting.

Constantine ends up becoming closer to Declan than anyone else in his group, including at that time Jericho because Jericho wasn't fighting at that point and so his only communication with Constantine is calls and stuff, so Constantine gets closer to Declan, who he's actually around for a lot of time. It's basically petty rivals to close friends (no lovers because Declan x Jericho is far superior)

(Also update on less war related shit, Alistair and Sarah were dating by this point and Constantine is fucking jealous)

Declan ends up dying four years into the war. Constantine kills a lot of people in anger, refuses to talk to people for weeks, then only accepts social interaction from Jericho. He never fully gets over Declan's death and blames himself.

Declan's death is also what makes Sarah decide to fight in the war, and also ruined her friendship with Constantine because she knows he knew Declan was almost definitely going to die being a counterweight but chose him anyway.

Constantine probably needs a long mental health break and therapy but instead he's fighting again a week later with Jericho as a counterweight this time because what can go wrong with that?

Jericho manages to keep himself alive for a surprising amount of time, but mostly that's because Constantine wasn't actually using a counterweight but just pretending to so no one repeatedly asked "why don't you have a counterweight" or told "you need a counterweight". Jericho does end up dead, about five years after he started being Constantine's counterweight. Constantine doesn't get another counterweight after that.

Btw, Alistair and Sarah update: Callum now exists, Constantine is pissed about it and says he looks like if a potato grew in size and mutated a face (he's just angry that his crush has a kid with Sarah instead of dating him)

Constantine is not mentally stable, nearly dies every fucking battle because of his lack of counterweight, but doesn't fucking care.

Instead of Master Joseph pretending to be the enemy when the battle happened (he'd have a few issues trying to look like Verity that he didn't have with Constantine), Verity just sends a lot of chaos ridden, and the close Massacre still happens but with less Declan because he's already dead.

Alistair and Constantine find the aftermath of the cold massacre together, Sarah and Call were still in it. Verity had possessed Calls body the same way Constantine did in cannon (this also later leads to transfem Call because soul was originally a girl). They see the kill the child words and both figure it out but agree to keep the secret.

Then after that less war and fighting and maybe just some angst and fluff mixed together. One of Joseph's minions pretends to be Verity instead of Joseph himself and it has the same effect, no one notices. Eventual alistine, but slow burn because torture is fun and both of them are scared to accept love after everyone else they've cared about either died, because a devoured, or joined the wrong side.

Alistair and Constantine attempt to raise Call and act sane. Constantine isn't great with children and they both suck at acting sane.

Also Constantine still got scars and burns on his face but they were from the battles instead of experiments, and Verity got similar scars while leaving the Magisterium, her mask looked different to Constantine's. It took longer for Constantine to start wearing the mask than in cannon (after the war ended) and it was made by Alistair.

(Sort of) happy ending but they all have trauma. I might make another post with how this ends up with the actual plot of the books not just before them but not now.

[inbetweencoffees]

some rant-rambling

Why exactly do you - for months on end - complain about how you don’t want to attend my graduation party for various reasons only to now claim you never said any of it in the first place? Brother in Christ make a decision and stick to it.

I don’t want her to go because she’ll complain about various things before, during and after the party and I just don’t have the patience to deal with it. Plus, considering she’ll introduce herself to my teachers, I’ll have to do the „sorry that you had to witness that, she’s always like that“ conversation cause the lovely woman can’t show me the slightest bit of respect, not even when talking about me with other people.

Now however she is crying because I don’t want her there. If i don’t re-invite her, she’ll cry cause I don’t want her to come. If I do re-invite her, she’ll cry cause she knows I don’t want her there + she’ll disrespect and embarrass me in front of so many people, not speaking of the whole drama beforehand cause she thinks it’s ruining her social status to be seen with me.

Why exactly can’t I have one evening (that I literally fought so hard for to have) without her making it about herself? Why can’t she for a few hours show me respect and at least pretend to be fine with me? I’m so tired of this.

The best part is, I can’t share my honest opinion and reasons for not wanting her at the party cause it’ll turn into this fundamental discussion about every aspect of my life and the last time that happened I had to move out. Which I really don’t need right now. Yay. Great. Guess it’s back to only using tip of the iceberg explanations to solve this.

Anyway- maybe I should discuss this with someone who has met said person before and can interpret this better than someone who’s reading this and doesn’t even know who I’m talking about. Though the person I’m considering to consult over this issue is quite busy and I don’t know how helpful he’d be. Oh well

[urnumber1star]

1 to 5 Tag!

Thanks fir tagging me in this @illarian-rambling! And sorry for being so late to this, my computers been a mess so I wasn't really able to do these but now it's working again so yay!

I'll be answering about Bolt Runners/BRS :]

One Word To Describe Your WIP

politics

Two Lines That Are Your Favorite

"Dude..... so you like, explode when you do that? Ew."

"After about twenty minutes of messing with his personal least favorite neighbor Mrs. Kannet by turning her power on and off for twenty minutes he went back inside his house and sprawled out on the living room couch."

Three Times You Cried While Writing

I actually have never cried while writing before. That's actually quite impressive for me. XD

Four Feelings From Your Characters

Bianca groaned, “I don't know. They still haven't gotten back to me!” She complained. “I'm sure you got it. You do this stuff all the time.” He reassured. “Thanks. This is the first time I’ve auditioned without my dad intervening though… I guess I’m just worried that I was only getting hired because my dad told them too…” “Hey. Stop stressing about it. You are the best actress I know.” Micheal said.

He eventually graduated from his own house to other houses outside. He would run outside and absorb all the power from a nearby apartment complex, and then turn it back on a couple minutes later. He would always get a little chuckle when an annoyed neighbor would come outside and knock on another neighbor's door, and Micheal would watch them talk about why the power kept on going off then turning back on. But he always tried not to leave the power off for more than five minutes.

Dr. Grace must have been able to tell that the three were beginning to panic so she hurriedly responded, “But all of your vitals seem to be normal as of now! I’ve prepared multiple more tests to check for any other possible problems this could cause, but the results will take several more days.”

But to Micheals surprise, his father grinned. “Listen. I think a promotion is coming up. They’ve been talking for a few weeks about it and there’s a rumor going around that it's gonna be mine. So I’ve been making sure I get all of my work done and even some extra. Just in case.” He explained.

Five Troupes Featured

Slow Burn Romance, Teen Superhero, Daddy Issues, Enimies To Lovers, Redemption arc to Villain arc

I loved this one it was fun! I'll tag (@the-ellia-west or @jakkon-and-rose-topic whichever one you want to do,) @kaylinalexanderbooks, @leahnardo-da-veggie, @agirlandherquill, @thisisntrocket +ANYONE WHO WANTS TO DO IT <3

[thisweekinfandomhistory]

I just finished your episode on Percy Jackson and I just had to come here and say thanks! I’ve always been peripherally aware of it as a book series but I graduated high school in 2003 so I think I was well beyond the target audience when the books released. Over the years, I was aware it had very ardent fans, but I had no clue it was as BIG as it is. And tbh I would never even have considered reading it without listening to your (funny) play by play of what happens in the books. You actually made it sound like a very interesting premise so I think I might check it out. The age issues you referenced were certainly weird, but I appreciate that you presented it with levity. It definitely held a tone of mockery but also grounded in affection for a series you enjoy. Anyway, thank you for such a fun episode!

Yay! Glad you liked it. There are definitely some plot elements that I (V) got confused because of reading fic so much more recently than having reread any of the books, but I know I got the premise right at least, lol. The Disney+ show is also good and very book-accurate!

[lunaraindrop]

RL moment with Luna

Greetings, folks! Since I love you all, I'm going to give you a mini update on my life.

Let me give you a condensed recap for my new friends here.

Hi! I'm Luna. I graduated from college in 2020. Yes, during the pandemic. But yay graduating!!

I started working as a preschool teacher for a private school in 2021. The entire 3 years I worked for that school were an absolute nightmare. (If you want stories, DM me)

The program was year round, so I hardly had any time off, due to teacher/dub shortages, and I had to work late for the after-school program because, once again, teacher/sub shortage.I have an autoimmune disease that causes chronic fatigue if not managed properly. Less stress, more sleep, etc.

Basically, your girl was not doing well.

Despite everything, I got into grad school, a dream I've held close to my heart.

I needed out of that school, and fast. It was eating my life away and not giving me any time to have a life. But, since I live in the United States, I also needed a job for insurance.

After many, many months of applications, interviews, doctor's visits, and near breakdowns...I resigned. I couldn't handle the school anymore.

Since then, I have taken June and July as a time to rest, catch up on school work, and figure out my next step.

That also means that I have been living off my meager savings, and have spent the entire month of July without insurance. Thankfully, all the rest and time to do things I love like write, read, and swim have done wonders for me.

Back to the work issue, though. Despite me applying to every job imaginable, it seems that the only places that want to hire me are schools and child care centers.

So now, your girl Luna will be teaching public preschool starting in August! 🎉

What I like so far is that I have a set time that will not be messed with. School starts at this time. School ends at this time. I also love that I get a break (which is illegal not to give a teacher a break, but my former school just went 🤷‍♀️), and time to do lesson plans, which my old school told me to do on my own time.

What does this mean in the future of my writing?

Since I will FINALLY have a little breathing room in my schedule, I plan to do a lot more of it. It brings me joy, and I need that joy back. However, I'm also doing grad school. That will keep me busy.

Those things being said, my plans in the near future are to try and finish The Lie Becomes the Truth before tackling any of my long long loooong list of one-shots, wips, and other ideas I have waiting in my notes. I have a beta lined up to help me, so hopefully you will see chapters rolling out a bit faster soon. I'm currently working on chapter 18.

[kariohki]

BanG Dream! It's MyGO!!!!! Review

This anime review needs to start with some personal backstory.

I've been a fan of the Bandori franchise since 2018, which by standard metrics means I'm ancient around here. I've seen the addition of two other bands to the original five the franchise (re)launched with, both with their issues in being folded into the story well. When MyGO (I'm not typing out five exclamation marks every time, I'm sorry) was revealed to be the eighth band in this universe after existing for a year IRL with no information where they existed in the franchise, I was extremely pessimistic. When they were revealed to be first year high schoolers (for the most part), I was pessimistic because the franchise just made the large step of graduating its oldest characters into university, opening up the story to new experiences. And shortly before the anime debut, when they were revealed to be getting added to the mobile game, I was pessimistic because the game's writing has been relatively poor in character development and even event distribution and focus for the past two years.

So saying I was going into this anime looking at it with as much dislike as I held for Aqours at the end of the µ's era is an understatement. I didn't expect much - just wanted a decent narrowly focused show akin to season 1, showing how a new band gets formed.

From the first episode, my expectations were met. From the third episode, they were blown away.

The premise written, about a girl, Chihaya Anon, who starts the school year late because of reasons revealed later, wanting to join a band when everyone else is already in one, except for their class "weirdo", Takamatsu Tomori, doesn't even scratch the surface of what happens. From the beginning that shows the result of what happens when a band has a catastrophic break up, how that affects every member involved there, to Anon who walks into this minefield and attempts to navigate it stepping on multiple mines along the way, to what's needed for this band to actually form in the end - it takes the entire season, but the feeling of the the payoff is immense.

On to the characters. Each one of these characters is flawed and human. Tomori can't communicate her feelings or words well in speech, and feels everything that goes wrong is her fault. Anon runs away at the first sign of any extra work needed to succeed. Taki's overprotectiveness of Tomori and initial inability to accept others help cause her to become combative to others. Rana only sticks around when she finds things interesting, later revealing she's been trying to find another place to belong after her grandmother's live house shut down (yay season 1 callback!). And Soyo, who looked at older characters Sayo, Chisato, and CHU2 who were all disliked by the fandom at their introductions and said "hold my tea." Soyo's arc takes up the majority of the middle portion of the series, the threads of her arc being hinted at along the way before her turn, her mask cracking, and her eventual acceptance of what has happened in her life post-CRYCHIC.

And that's only the characters in MyGO proper. This story couldn't be told without five others, the girls that eventually form the group Ave Mujica at the end of the season in the final episode. Sakiko, probably the new most disliked character in the franchise, drives the plot train of "why did she break up CRYCHIC?" that started the series, leading up to the final reveal of her situation in life currently. Mutsumi, her friend, Soyo's friend, someone who has been strung along and used by others. Uika, a popular singer in an idol group, who is also Sakiko's friend, and the one who spurred Tomori to perform again. Umiri, Taki's classmate full of snarky banter, who also gave Tomori her best wishes. Nyamu is the character who just "exists" the most, but her two-faced influencer personality is setting up for trouble.

There are little bits here and there to remind existing fans that this is taking place in the same universe at the current point of the timeline, which I appreciated as it was not heavy handed. Of course the girls would run into Saya and Kasumi at Livehouse RiNG, as both frequent or work there. Of course they would meet Afterglow at a live, be inspired by Morfonica, or see the Roselia posters in the old astronomy club room. The only band to not have any representation is Hello, Happy World!, which while on one hand makes sense with the overall melancholy of the series, but as they are still a band that exists here, some showing would've been nice - Misaki at school, a Michelle sighting in town, Kanon at the aquarium, basically anything grounded for them.

As this is a music-themed franchise, the use of music is of course important. Most importantly are the use of the vocal songs - typically in these series you get the short cut and just assume the groups performed other songs off screen. Instead, MyGO uses multiple full length songs, where some were even re-recorded from the anime to sound rougher if needed - Hekitenbansou in episode 7 being the main example of this. This does make a couple of the episodes be half performance/song, but in the first case it's their first performance as a group and sets up Soyo's arc, and the second case in episode 12, it's their first performance as a true band.

The camera and scenery work is top-notch and a great example of what CG animation can do. Sanzigen levels up with every series they do, and comparing Bandori S2 to D4DJ First Mix to this demonstrates how they've started blending in more 2D for more varied expressions and movement, and improved their lighting in backgrounds. Stand out moments are every time Soyo is framed in slight darkness, the varied spacing and views of characters in rooms to show distance or discomfort, and the entirety of episode 3 being from Tomori's first person POV - the most unique way to do a flashback episode that I've ever seen in an anime.

The only flaws I have with the series are relatively minor - the opening sequence, while a great song, doesn't have too many interesting shots compared to previous Bandori seasons (the second version of Kizuna Music is one of my favorite OPs ever). Episode 13 is more of a victory lap for MyGO, before heading face first into a prologue for the upcoming Ave Mujica anime, which if you're not invested in that group can feel like a non-ending. Additionally, there's a few non-Sakiko related loose ends between MyGO that have probably been saved for the mobile game, which if you don't play that, tough luck, go wait for other people to play it and upload stories to Youtube. For English server players it's an even longer wait as MyGO isn't being added to that server until spring 2024.

This is the sleeper hit of the summer 2023 season, the one that'll be always called criminally underrated and brought up as something worth watching in future threads about animes you love but no one talks about. Which is a shame, as it deserves to stand next to series like K-ON! and Bocchi the Rock that are some of the most frequently recommended music anime. Rating: 9/10

[keepsmagnetoaway]

X-Men: First Class Finals 4 (July 2009)

Jeff Parker/Amilcar Pinna & Roger Cruz

This series is ending! Again! I did kind of a 180 on this four-issue miniseries last time and this one mostly continues to bear that out: it's actually, unlike the longer runs of First Class, a well-constructed piece of writing, bringing back some villains from previous issues through a device about Jean's fears and traumas, and this issue taking us to a showdown inside her mind, where things can be surreal and spectacular. There's even a genuinely funny line from Bobby when they arrive.

That said, this art. Look at the expressions on Bobby and Hank. Why do they look like this? Why?

Anyway, we get a whole cascade of callbacks to previous issues, with Hulk, Cyttorak, Monster Island, the Lizard, the whole shebang. It's not exactly making me nostalgic for the series but it's a fair way of wrapping it all up. I have a beef with the big double splash page that tries to pack them all in, though. It's set up like this...

And then it looks like this.

That's mostly empty sky! This isn't a "cool" "cinematic" angle when you're trying to sell a horde of monsters and they only take up the bottom 20% of the page! This is a bad layout! Anyway, through mastering her fears and embracing her powers, yadda yadda, Jean defeats all these phantasms and they get to graduate. Yay!

But then, of course...

So there we have it: the final page sets up the first issue of the 70s reboot, as they're about to go on the mission that the new team then have to rescue them from. That's a nice little link-up and means, I am fairly sure, that though there are more First Class titles, they deal with individual characters and later team members, and this really is the end of the "proper" First Class team line-up, which therefore manages to end on one of its rare strong issues. On the other hand, look at Jean's face in that final panel. Look at her absurd giant mask. I won't miss this.

Next up, as per my trusty reading guide, it's a whole bunch of guest issues: the X-Men continued to exist in the Marvel universe of the early 70s, and so without having their own book they would occasionally show up (usually one individual, sometimes the team) in other stories. Should be fun to read some scattered issues from the period and see lots of different characters and styles. See you there...

[bmaxwell]

Game of the Year 2023: The Top 10

2023 was a great year for the videogames industry. A lot of great videogames were released in 2023. It was a fucking lousy year for the industry if you had a career there. It has been deeply disappointing to see record sales and critical acclaim alongside frequent layoff announcements. It feels like the pursuit of endless profit, whatever the cost. It's not sustainable and, as someone who has loved this hobby for my entire life, seeing the people who create games treated as disposable is disgusting. So, as much as this post and this blog are about YAY GAMES, there's also an undercurrent of filth that we have to keep in mind.

Apart from that, 2023 had its usual ups and downs for me. I played non-mobile games on my phone more than ever, thanks to two things: I got a Razr Kishi adapter to clamp onto my phone, turning it into a tiny Switch. Oh, and I got a pretty decent new phone. And Honkai Star Rail hooked me. That's three things.

Speaking of HSR, the ability to access cloud saves from my phone and my desktop PC was a godsend. This is true for Game Pass as well. Frequently I'd pull out my phone in the breakroom at work and pickup whichever game I'd been playing on Xbox, and it worked surprisingly well. I played a lot of Dead Cells this way, and finished Fuga 2 and Dordogne there.

If you'd told me at the start of the year that my best experiences of the year would include Baldur's Gate, a Harry Potter title, and an ALAN WAKE game, I'd have been pretty skeptical. But here we are. Also, if you're a theater kid I feel like this year had a couple of really special moments for you.

2023 also marked a return - at least somewhat - to the hobby of boardgaming. I was neck deep in the hobby from 2008 - 2015. I recently picked up Wingspan and it became a Sunday afternoon staple for myself, my wife, and our youngest child. I've missed the tactile non-digital experience of boardgames. It's nice to be back.

10. Honkai Star Rail

Well. You win universe. A gross free to play mobile game chock full of microtransactions and gacha mechanics is one of my favorite games of the year. The Genshin Impact people made a turn based RPG, see. And it's stylish as hell, and music is great, and when you get a new character from the loot boxes you get this little dopamine hit, and...

The game's events have been really surprising and well done. There's one involving staffing and stocking a museum, one involves shipping logistics, one's themed around ghost hunting. I wish I could have the $70 version of this game that isn't compromised by trying to squeeze players for money. The problem with that, of course, is that this game would not exist without all the bullshit.

But it feels good to play, it looks incredible, and I can swap between playing on my PC and my phone pretty effortlessly. So, despite the predatory MTX bullshit, I have really enjoyed my time with Honkai Star Rail this year.

I think my second biggest issue with live service games is that I don't get a sense of closure. I can't Finish Honkai Star Rail. And I'm not going to play it forever. So I get really into it for awhile (most of the year in this case) and just kind of...stop.

9. Goodbye Volcano High

This one is reminiscent of Night in the Woods; it's a coming-of-age story about anthropomorphic dinosaurs graduating high school, with all the fears and doubts that come with that. Some folks seem to have their entire future mapped out, some are just gonna work an hourly wage job and play D&D, and your character is serious about making a career in music. More serious than her bandmates are. Also, there's a meteor coming and it looks like it might hit Earth.

This game resonated with me on a few levels. The writing is great, the characters are well written and, unlike Stray Gods, the music landed for me. It does a great job of showing us different attitudes and values clashing into one another while making each of them relatable. The hope, resentment, and willful blindness of "My friends aren't invested in this thing we're doing together as much as I am" really blindsided me. It dredged up some feelings I haven't examined in years, both for better and worse. I didn't have much in the way of expectations for this game, but Goodbye Volcano High wormed its way into my heart. Goodbye Volcano High is the game mostly likely to be the game where I look back in the future and regret putting it outside of my top 10 for the year.

Hah! Suck it, me! Top 10 babyyyyy!

8. Pikmin 4

I've never really engaged with Pikmin, but this one was a blast. It does the Honey I Shrunk the Kids thing of "tiny dudes in a normal environment so it looks all big" thing that I love. Solve lots of puzzles by throwing little plant being at them. I love that the inspiration for the series was Miyamoto watching ants carrying leaves in his yard. It still has that feeling all these years later.

It feels odd to call Pikmin a relaxing experience, as you can and will lose Pikmin. Sometimes due to the natural attrition that comes with war, sometimes when the wrong little doofuses wander into water or fire, etc. There's also a timer, which is usually a dealbreaker for me. And the story revolves around rescuing fellow space travelers who have been transforming into mute plant people on this hostile planet. In fact the whole thing sounds like a pitch for a horror game. Despite all that, there's an easy charm to Pikmin. Your little astronaut dorks keep their spirits high, and there's playful music as you explore this huge, colorful world. I found it to be a great way to unwind at the end of the day for a couple of months this year.

7. Persona 5 Tactica

Persona 5 achieved mainstream success that the games before it never reached. Atlus has been milking it for all it's worth too - Persona 5 Dancing in the Moonlight, Persona 5 Royal, Persona 5 Strikers, and an upcoming Persona 5 mobile game. Some folks are feeling understandably burned out - I didn't get into dancing or strikers, and didn't play Royal (after putting 120 hours into Persona 5) so I was geeked when they announced a Persona 5 tactics game. On paper it's a strong pitch for me.

And in execution it's every bit as good as I'd hoped. My only complaint is the chibi art style. It isn't bad, just not to my taste. Beyond that? It's got the Persona charm, the banging music, and good solid tactical gameplay with just enough of a twist to not feel dull.

The "one more" mechanic from the series is key here, allowing the members of your 3-person team extra movement and actions. This is especially important because of the game's version of the all-out attack, which forms a triangle between your 3 party members and deals heavy damage to enemies caught inside. This makes combat an experience that rewards putting thought into. The game even has some side battles that are basically puzzles, giving you one turn to finish.

The game's new characters - Toshiro and Erina - are a welcome addition to the Phantom Thieves crew as well. I came around on Toshiro in a big way and was immediately in love with Erina. The game is about fighting against oppression and finding your courage to resist. Your friends are there for you when times are tough. It's hammy and melodramatic in the way that Persona is, and I love it. I love the game's revolutionary aesthetic, even if it's largely window dressing.

The DLC has been great so far too, starring Akechi and Kasumi in gameplay I can only describe if "What if Persona and Splatoon had a tactics baby?"

6. Diablo IV

The Diablo series has been the most consistently great video game series for me. I love the first 3 games and spent a TON of time with each. Diablo IV has the worst longevity of the series, but the best campaign. Now, I have to add a bunch of qualifiers here. The "best campaign" is a pretty low bar to clear. Diablo has always been - and continues to be - find new gear/numbers go up. The cutscenes are, as usual, top notch. While the story wasn't necessarily riveting, it was nice to have an antagonist with a personality and some ideas beyond RAWR I AM VERY EVIL RAWR. In fact, I was half-expecting the game to ask if I wanted to side with Lilith near the end, and I just might have done so. And the cinematic of the human army marching into hell while Lilith and Imperius have a philosophical discussion was incredible.

As for the replay value, maybe they'll find their way much like Diablo III did. My main issue with Diablo IV is the way new content is handcuffed to new seasons, how seasonal characters are siloed off from the rest of your characters, and how the game feels like it was built around microtransactions and milking money out of the player.

The game feels good to play. Abilities feel powerful and interesting, the loot grind is fun, and exploring the variety between the classes is a joy. Diablo IV is one of the best games released this year, it's just a shame that, like a lot of modern games, Diablo IV feels compromised, it feels like a Product in a gross way. Still, every previous game in the series has had a long tail for me, so I'm not counting Diablo IV out yet.

5. Darkest Dungeon II

Darkest Dungeon is my favorite game. I have a tattoo of it on my arm. It's impossible to expect a sequel to improve on that or even meet it. Subsequent journeys into a fiction can never be special in the same way that first one is, and Darkest Dungeon II is no exception.

The game is immediately recognizable - you'll see some familiar faces lined up in a tug-of-war formation against a group of enemies. A row of skills at the bottom of the screen, a torch at the top. Artwork with thick, dark lines and plenty of shading. The moment-to-moment gameplay IS a lot like the first game, but the trappings around it are not.

Gone is the persistent campaign of the first game, replaced by a more familiar roguelike structure. You embark on runs that either end in victory or failure, unlocking new things between runs. This makes the game more approachable and forgiving, but it means the lows are less low and the highs are not quite as high. In the original title losing your veteran Crusader you've sunk hours and hours into feels like a real gut punch, but by the same token finally - FINALLY - conquering the darkest dungeon feels incredible. Those extremes are lost in the sequel, and that probably makes for an objectively better game.

It's not just the same run every time; there are 5 chapters to conquer, each themed with a personal failing: Denial, Resentment, Obsession, Ambition, and Cowardice. The game's personality is still here in full force thanks to Wayne June's narration, Stuart Chatwood's music, that incredible artwork and gallows humor that I love so much. Each of the characters is treated as an individual with their own dark backstory this time around, each crafted in loving detail and unfolding by way of cutscenes and/or interactive gameplay moments. The stress mechanism is still here but takes a bit of a backseat, while relationships between characters are brought to the forefront.

Darkest Dungeon II is just what I wanted from a sequel to my favorite game. I'm glad they didn't just make the same again but prettier, but still kept the game's bones intact.

4. Like a Dragon Gaiden: The Man Who Erased His Name

Yakuza has become one of my favorite game series over the past few years. I'm down for whatever they throw at us. Bringing Kiryu back yet again? Sure. New protagonist? I'm down. A period piece starring the cast as historical figures? Fucking bring it on.

I love the series. The melodrama that hits me in my feels, the never-ending parade of lovable weirdoes and freaks in Kamurocho, the deep well of fleshed-out side games like bowling, pocket circuit racing, and karaoke - it's all here. I'm not tired of it. I thought I would be, but I'm not.

Kiryu is a lovable, stoic doofus with a strict moral code and penchant for helping out anyone who needs a hand. This time they gave him a Clark Kent disguise after faking his death, and also a bunch of James Bond Spider-Man gadgets. Let's go.

I will never get tired of my big hearted himbo beating people with bicycles and helping out folks in need. And I got misty-eyed at the ending. I was not prepared for my stoic boy to full on ugly cry. Still waters run deep.

3. Hogwarts Legacy

In the years since JK Rowling outed herself as a human shaped pile of garbage, I've distanced myself from the Harry Potter universe. And when Hogwarts Legacy released, the game was a lightning rod for controversy. I decided to see for myself, and was treated to a wonderful, smartly written game that managed to capture the magic of the world without constantly referencing the movies and books that everyone knows. It's the same trick that Jedi Fallen Order pulled a few years ago, and it works every bit as well here.

The school feels massive and detailed, and it was a joy to explore or just get lost in. The game world outside the school was unexpectedly huge as well, and the broomstick flight felt so good and natural that I rarely bothered to travel by floo. Optional side activities like growing your own plants for your potion brewing, decorating your Room of Requirement, and breeding creatures were all pleasant distractions that served to flesh out the world of Hogwarts.

The game's cast is fairly diverse, and most students felt like real people rather than caricatures of their Hogwarts houses. Most students do have their house traits, but they're not constantly front and center. The side stories and main story kept me engaged throughout my time with Hogwarts Legacy, and I was a little sad to see it end. It's a shame the IP has JK Rowling's stench on it, and that a lot of people will miss this game because of that.

2. Alan Wake II

Alan Wake and Control are both posterchildren for games with incredible world building and lousy game play. I've started both multiple times only to end up walking away in frustration. Alan Wake 2 largely fixes my complaint with those previous games by letting me explore and become immersed in the world without throwing frequent contextless fights in my way.

Alan Wake 2's combat isn't necessarily more engaging, but there's far less of it. What you're left with is the good stuff, a Twin Peaks-like horror mystery in a small town where everything and everyone feels a little bit off. Sometimes a lot off. It's a game where the characters play everything straight, but there are plenty of winks and nods in the margins. The game is full of wonderful freaks and weirdoes, many of whom had me frequently grinning like a fool. Alex Casey. Warlin Door. The Koskela brothers. Rose. Odin and Tor. Alan and Saga. Ahti. Thomas Zane. All hamming it up in a story that gets entirely up its own ass in the best way.

The Herald of Darkness scene is one of the best things I've ever seen. Ditto for the late game scene on the lakeshore. Hell, the game had me sitting and watching a short Finnish art house film at one point. It's a game full of glee and confidence from a studio with the belief in itself and its fans that allow it to swing for the fences. Not every part of it works for me, but the parts that do are so effective that the whole experience is lifted up on high. I wish Remedy's gameplay worked for me, which is never has. But this is a terrific work of art, and the good stuff far outweighs the bad.

Baldur's Gate III

My love of Baldur's Gate and the CRPG genre was something I'd left long in the past. Despite playing excellent modern entries like Divinity Original Sin, and Pillars of Eternity I hadn't been captivated by one of these in some 20 years.

It's hard to put into words what a triumph Baldur's Gate 3 is. I can't name a single thing it really does to revolutionize the genre but Larian executed on every single element of the game. Starting with the story, they make the stakes incredibly personal on top of the usual "Oh shit the world is in danger!" thing we always see. A mindflayer puts a parasite in your brain at the beginning of the game. World saving aside, getting that out of you feels pretty important.

Or not! You can decide to lean into it, and the writers did a great job of mixing viewpoints into the story. Mindflayers are horrible monsters but wait. Are they really though? Your party members will have their own opinions on the matter, as well as their own traumas and baggage and backstories. The writing and voicework for these party members are the best part of one of the best games ever made.

The game's ensemble cast might be the best of any game. By the game's end my party was my Tav, Karlach, Jaheira, and Astarion/Gale depending on the situation. There are party members I missed, and one I may or may not have killed (I regret nothing). Baldur's Gate III's story branches in so many ways, it all feels like it's a hair away from collapsing in on itself but it never does. My friends and I were exchanging stories about what we'd seen and done in the game as we played, and the variance is impressive. Baldur's Gate III is like a dude spinning plates while juggling chainsaws, and people keep tossing stuff into the mix and you think "Well no WAY can he keep all this going!" but goddammit, it all keeps going.

The way the game rolls with whatever choices you make (or dumb shit you want to try) whether in or out of combat, is truly incredible. It feels closer to having a DM than anything I've ever played. If you want to do something weird or dumb, the game does an incredible job of yes and-ing you. And it's not without consequences, the game reacts to the wide array of shit you can do within the D&D ruleset. The game sets up storylines both big and small early on, and manages to pay them off in interesting ways before it wraps up.

The combat was a sticking point for me in Divinity Original Sin 2. It's not that it was bad, but it was overwhelming. Combat could be long and difficult, and losing after an hour only to reload a save was incredibly deflating. Baldur's Gate 3 threaded this needle almost perfectly for me. Most combats were challenging but not crushing, and did not overstay their welcome.

I kept waiting for the game to drag and lose its momentum, but it never happened. I was glued to it for the entire 100+ hours it took me to roll credits. I fully plan on replaying it one day.

[thelikesoffinn]

Hey! 🎄✨️ I have a unrelated question, if that is alright. I'm not sure if you mentioned this already but in your meta you said that you are a social worker and have experience with refugees, youths and children but what exactly did you work as? And what is your job right now? Sorry if I come off creepy but I graduate soon and I'm thinking of becoming a social worker so I'm trying to get some information. Please ignore me if thats weird!(Love your posts btw!)

Hello there, dear!

Don't worry - it's not a weird question at all. Social Work can be very opaque and foggy at the first glance, because the field is so huge and it varies so strongly from country to country.

I'll gladly tell you what I've done so far and I'll add an obligatory warning: I'll likely mention rape, abuse, teen pregnancy, and bullying, so please be careful!

My very first job was actually as a substitute teacher and supervisor for children aged 6 - 10. I didn't work there for a long time because my colleagues where a huge pile of shit but the work itself was pretty straight forward and nice - hang around with the kids, make sure they don't kill each other and , if I had to sub lessons, teach them exactly what their teacher told me to.

Next I worked at a refugee bureau. Clients from all over the world - but mostly the middle east and asia - would come to see me whenever they needed a helping hand. I had to accompany them to appointments all over - with doctors, the court, teachers, job interviews, yada yada yada so that I could help translate and what not.

Apart from that, I'd help with their mail, with doing their taxes, submitting applications, finding work, doctors, refugee centers, flats - anything a person could need to get settled in a country.

After that, I worked as an advisor for teenagers who didn't want to go to school anymore. (In my country, children have to go to school until a certain age. Otherwise, they'll either be fined or, if it gets too much, they'll be forced to do community service or youth jail.)

Essentially, my job there was to find out why they didn't want to go to school and offer them a safe space to spend time without getting into problems. If they were old enough, we'd help them apply for jobs or whatever else they wanted.

But that sounds easier than it was. Most of those kids were pretty heavily traumatised and didn't trust adults, so getting to the point where they would talk took a LOT of work. Teenagers are difficult to handle as is and if they have further issues, it just gets harder.

Many of them were violent - verbally and physically - and addicted to all sorts of substances. We had some teen-moms - some because they were raped and others because they didn't use protection - and a whole lot of delinquency.

Some of them didn't have parents - either because they were orphaned or because cps separated them - and virtually none of them had good parents.

And, I'm saying it now: I hated this job so much. It was really difficult, we had little funding so the pay was a joke and I was extremely tired and drained all the time.

(And teens are really difficult for me. I just can't relate to them, so I really had to try so hard to get good footing. I still tried hard, and I did get there eventually, but it was really so draining.)

After that one, I had to take a break because of burnout - yay. But since I can't handle doing nothing, I took a few extra courses on topics I liked - autism, abuse victims, borderline personality disorder, systemic therapy, dissociative identity disorder, early childhood development, communal law and more - and later I got an extra license as a psychosocial support in criminal trials.

I just finished the latter, and over the course of this license program, I had to work a few cases to gain experience - basically, I was tasked with protecting the victim of a crime. My job was to make sure that the victims rights were protected - courts tend to be really insensitive and forceful, which can hurt the client even more and traumatise them further - and that the case was handled with care. On top of that, I was to make sure that the client/victim understood what was happening and why it was happening.

If, for some reason, the perpetrator wanted to contact the victim, I'd be the first hurdle. Any contact was organised and acquiesced by me first and the client second. If the client wants to contact the perpetrator, I was the one to organise that meeting or that exchange.

That job is really exhausting and difficult, and I will 100% never do it full time because it worsened my burnout but I really liked studying it nonetheless.

This week, I started working part-time as a kindergarten teacher. I really love it and I really missed working with children - it's been so long! It's low stakes, mid stress so it's great to get back into after a burnout and, to be totally honest...I just needed to see some happy faces. Seeing the children smile every day is such a nice feeling.

And that's it for now, I think! I had some smaller gigs in between, but that were so many I can hardly remember them all.

And I know this is probably not the positive "go do it!" type of thing you wanted to hear and I'm sorry, flower. But if you consider this job, you'll have to make sure to understand this:

Social Work isn't easy.

It is incredibly hard work and you'll see a lot of misery. You'll see people that are all types of broken, burdened by all types of things. You'll meet people who survived things no one should have to experience - bullying, abuse, attempted suicide or murder, fucking wars - and came out the other side not unscathed but alive.

Those people will come to see you, battered and bruised, because they need your help.

And you will not be able to help all of them. Most, yes, but not all. You'll lose some of them along the way, and you'll have to live with that.

It is a lot, and if you're not in the right place yourself; if you're not taking proper care of yourself, you will drown.

But it's not all doom and gloom out here! Seeing your clients come back to life, helping them find their way, and actually seeing all your effort bear fruits is where it's at. That's the shit and that's why I'm here.

Despite all the misery, it's still a very rewarding job and, even if I could go back, I wouldn't change anything. I'd still choose to do this, and I'd still be here clawing my way back after a burnout, because this is what I'm good at.

Helping people is my jam, and if it's yours - welcome to the ranks!

[peculiarlilac]

Burning out when you don’t even think you’re moving.

               Post graduation has been a flux of emotions. It wouldn’t be so I suspect if money were not an issue, but it is. On the other hand, this is the longest I have not been in a class since the beginning of the pandemic. I have relaxed, at points, I even started tanning a little from time in the sun, taking walks and haunting beaches. On the surface it truly has been a summer vacation.

               The surface appearance of it all even fooled me. I feel like I am not doing anything productive, I feel like I am lounging and staying still while things – like bills—keep moving forward. But the thing is, I have not been still. In fact, I haven’t even really been super relaxed at all. I have been a hamster wheel brain updating portfolios, resumes, cover letters, chasing job opportunities and using my old therapist’s advice of not catastrophizing the future as a welcome mat to walk all over in my rush. The simple explanation in the therapy packet was that lingering on the past fuels depression, lingering on the future fuels anxiety. Live in the moment. Worry about the now. Thing is, I am worrying. I am making a little apocalypse of the future. In turn, that is making it hard to get out of bed, the forever-tomorrow can wait a little longer while I drag out the pleasant dreams. Right?

               I am burnt out this week from hitting Monday running with the enthusiasm of a rise and grind influencer. I made calls, I cleaned up resumes, I went to in person interviews and signed up to return to school in the Fall (Yay!). None of those are bad things, but I was not being honest about where my battery was at and now I am catching myself in the carousel of apps to avoid to doing anything meaningful. Distracting yourself and taking a break is fine, it’s helpful, but this Twitter-Instagram-TikTok-Pinterest rotation is not. I am purposefully procrastinating on the worst level. I could be doing yoga, to meaningfully actually give my body some stress relief. I could be drinking more water. I could be journaling to sort out my feelings. Instead I have to mentally parent myself, straddling the line of stern and forgiving, into not becoming the puddle of depression that I would be without intervention.

               It’s not a sadness, either, it’s a low vibration humming of nerves. I would still call myself happy, especially right now at 2 in the afternoon with food in my belly and water being had. I am just not where I want to be. I want to have that high battery energy. I want to feel good about how much I did. Instead even while I write this I am jonesing for another scroll through Instagram to soothe myself with some cute rabbit memes.

[syphonr]

introducing ,   josette ‘ josie ’ saltzman.  21.  gemini witch.  twin.  student.  daughter.  monster.

tws  --  family drama, mental health issues, your usual dose of blood, death, and magic.

BASICS .

full name. josette olivia saltzman. known as. josie, jo. age / birthday. twentyone, bday. occupation. college student. species. siphoner witch. gender / pronouns. cis woman, she / her. sexuality. pansexual. additional stats. link tba. pinterest. link tba.

INFO .

essentially canon up until the beginning of legacies  --  raised by caroline and alaric ( more alaric in the later years & with caroline’s absence ), salvatore school since age 7

will need to plot and discuss her high school years before i have all the details, since idk how much of legacies we’re taking vs. making up a new canon

without all that plotting i’ll just say m my josie is very much the josie of lizzie’s shadow, with her compulsion toward care is very much here. all nurturing heart and self-denial. pre-dark!josie because i’d love to explore that more on the dash

basically, josie’s got issues: bit of a least-loved child complex, a competitive nature she suppresses for the sake of being a “good person”, a sense of abandonment and insecurity, a compulsive need to prove her worth and value through acts of service

but on the outside she’s just sunshine josie as always! bright smiles, always has a helping hand, charmed by sunflowers and sticker sheets and glitter gel pens, needs to stop every dog she sees on the street for pets, you get the picture

after graduating the salvatore school, she’s attending tulane uni in new orleans, trying to get away a little, get a little distance from the all-consuming nature of family/supernatural drama

studying biochem with aspirations to be a doctor. but also taking a minor in medieval studies and lots of electives in history, latin, and medieval studies. between family drama and supernatural drama her studies are taking a lot longer than expected and not going nearly as well as she’d hoped. struggling to toe the line between her own deeply human dreams to be a doctor and help people, vs. the pull toward the supernatural and diving deeper into magic, history, and power etc.

is in an especially vulnerable place rn and is having a lot of big, complicated feelings about the merge, lizzie turning into a heretic, etc. on the one hand, she’s relieved ( yay! she didn’t have to die in the merge! ) on the other hand disappointed ( boo! she didn’t get a bunch of new power during the merge! ) and on yet another hand jealous ( now lizzie has witch powers and vamp powers ) and on yet another hand completely despondent ( her twin sister and mother are immortal while she’s going to grow old and die ). but also doesn’t feel like she can express any of this 

PLOT IDEAS .

bad influence  --  josie’s going thru it atm and pretty vulnerable, and also a powerful witch with ~connections~. would love to see someone, anyone, trying to take advantage of that, encouraging her to do dark magic, or otherwise manipulating her

exes, ( unrequited ) crushes, etc.  --  josie falls in love with pretty much anyone who gives her the time of day so i’d love like, 10000 of these if at all possible

witchy pals  --  not exactly a coven, but anyone who can talk shop would be very welcome!

fellow students  --  any current college students in new orleans or any former salvatore school students? idk could be a fun connection especially for ocs if there are any

a roommate or two would be great! could be a new situation or someone she’s lived with since she moved to nola around 3 years ago

friends, fake friends, enemies, everything in between

and ofc i’m happy to read intros and come up with plenty of character-specific plot ideas! would love to brainstorm with y’all

[a-heart-full-of-dumb]

So I've been seeing a lot of Les Amis teacher related stuff on here lately and I walked into 3 of my old highschool teachers today (yay /s). So I decided to jump on the bandwagon.

Les Amis as things my teachers have said or done:

• Enjolras: put up polls all over school during pride month to see if lgbtq+ kids felt safe (and how they could make sure people did feel safe) at school and would verbally destroy anyone who said something insulting. As well as inviting lgbtq activists to his class to make sure people got the proper education.

• Combeferre: gave a 15 minute speech about the differences between bees and wasps and why they're both important after someone killed a bee in class and called it a wasp. Or alternatively, took revenge on the student who pulled pranks on him for years by calling him in the last minute he was supposed to call people who didn't graduate and told him "I have bad news for you... you'll have to wait another minute so I can tell you you graduated."

• Courfeyrac: showed up to school with a Spice Girls shirt under his more formal attire one day. He was so exited about it he was practically jumping around when he showed us and dramatically danced to some songs before starting his class.

• Joly: that one overprotective teacher who'd constantly check if you're okay and made a fuss out of everything (they mean it well though).

• Bossuet: send an email 10 minutes before the class had started to tell us that they were gonna be late cause their dog ate their husband's hearing aids and their son had broken his arm and their bike had issues and they'd nearly fell down the stairs. Or alternatively, showed up to class with half of his face covered in bruises, a broken arm and a concussion cause he fell off his bike.

• Grantaire: often disrupted other classes with the weirdest stuff. Like this man would just randomly walk into a different class, look around, just go "just wanted to see how you guys are doing" and leave. He would also just walk in purely to start a discussion with the teacher giving the class, usually throwing in at least one reference to a book or movie. He's also walked in just to put a broomstick in the middle off the class, straight up supported by nothing and left without saying a word. (He also made jokes about his name a lot as his name was [first name] Engels, which translates to English and that's also the subject he teaches.)

• Jehan: made you deal with difficult situations by writing them down and doing music (usually group) related exercises to help you cope and calm down as well as teaching you to work together.

• Feuilly: could give you incredibly detailed speeches about almost every art supply the school owned and what you could do with them.

• Bahorel: gave a whole speech about how cool it would be to be alive during the apocalypse, because "I could say I was actually there when the apocalypse happend! That would so cool" And after the class pointed out that there wouldn't be people to tell this to after the apocalypse cause there wasn't really a society anymore he just went "I could fight zombies though!"

Bonus:

• Marius: filled half their class with a speech about Napoleon.

This was a lot harder than I thought so I'm sorry if some are a bit out of character.

[ectonurites]

I want to read comics to learn more about Kon, do you have any recs?

I’m sure there’s actual reading lists out there [here’s one that in general seems pretty solid, and uh this list is more for the canon tim & kon interactions but ya know still has kon,] but ok I kinda went overboard and made this a reading list

So here’s some major things he shows up in with some annotations. but also I bolded titles so if you DONT wanna read my writing just look at the stuff in bold:

Reign of the Supermen is the event he was introduced during, specifically in Adventures of Superman #500, theoretically you don’t need to read the full event as the Adventures of Superman book is what mostly focuses on him in it (so issues #500-#505) but like, I think it was a fun time overall and let you get introduced to him and just kinda the general ‘whats goin on’ at the time he was introduced pretty well. 

Adventures of Superman #506 is technically after the event but important to read for him as it answers questions and sets up his solo.

Superboy (1994) (previous Superboy titles were about Clark as a kid, not Kon) which is his solo comic! I admittedly haven’t read all of (i’ve mostly read some scattered later parts of it) and have heard mixed things but like, the parts I’ve read I’ve definitely enjoyed! This comic goes on for a while and overlaps with some of the things I’m listing after it.

Superboy and the Ravers was another comic he had during the 90′s, which I also haven’t actually read all of yet so I can’t speak to it’s quality, but i have read Issue #7 which is where he meets Bart for the first time!

Superboy/Robin: World’s Finest Three is where he meets Tim for the first time and they team up!

JLA: World Without Grown Ups is where the three of them (Tim, Kon, and Bart) team up for the first time

Young Justice: The Secret is when they do it again which leads into:

Young Justice (1998) which obviously, like, I talk about YJ a lot, it’s one of my favorite comics so I highly recommend this stuff.

Titans/Young Justice: Graduation Day comes after YJ ends, and leads into:

Teen Titans (2003) which is when he switches to the T Shirt costume and there’s some ~big retcons~ about him. This is also around when he starts using the name ‘Conner’ He’s a major character in this until...

Infinite Crisis which is a huge event he plays an important role in but it’s also where he uh... spoilers... but he dies. 

Final Crisis: Legion of Three Worlds is when he (and Bart) get brought back!

Teen Titans (2003) okay yes I already listed this comic but obviously while he was dead he wasn’t present (although his death did have major impacts on Cassie & Tim & the whole team, so I wouldn’t necessarily recommend skipping over all the stuff he’s dead for), he shows back up in it around Issue #81 until the end

Adventure Comics (2009) has the Boy of Steel storyline in issues #1-6 for him, and I think he appears after that as well in this comic but admittedly I haven’t read past that part

Superboy (2011) more solo adventures with him (confusingly enough there are actually two Superboy comics that started in 2011. I am talking about the one that started in January of 2011, before the New 52 reboot, also known as Superboy Vol. 4 not the one that started in November of 2011, which is Superboy Vol. 5)

i personally would not recommend any of the new 52 stuff with Superboy, it’s.... not really the same character. new 52 was rough on the whole core four. but he does have a solo and appears in the teen titans run. im pretty sure the new 52 version of him actually dies/goes missing or something and then just.. never really shows up again? i don’t know for sure though, i’ve avoided a lot of new 52 era stuff. but he DOES come back in the Rebirth era!

Young Justice (2019) is when actual Kon returns! yay!

Action Comics (2016) has him appear in two of the recent stories, with Young Justice in part of the Metropolis Doom storyline in issues #1017-1021 and then he is also in the House of Kent storyline in #1022-#1028. 

Future State: Suicide Squad #1 & #2 had him as a major character but I don’t know if i’d necessarily recommend that, but like, it’s there. 

Suicide Squad (2021) is the current thing he’s in, there’s only one issue out so far though!

I’d check his DC wiki pages for more info/places to look for things (before new 52) (current continuity)! 

I hope this helps and isn’t too overwhelming! I know you just asked for recs and I went overboard and I am sorry about that sdfhdg 

Out of all of this though, my biggest recs would be Reign of the Supermen since it’s his origin just to get an understanding of who he is, and then the Young Justice stuff bc its just so fun and ya get to see him & his friends!

Also like, don’t freak about reading things in order. I have read things almost ENTIRELY in the wrong order, and like, it’s not a big deal. Just vibes! comics make no sense anyways we’re just here to have a good time

Also if anyone following me has additions/corrections/specific things they’d recommend please feel free to add on/reply!

[9tzuyu]

dissolve (rewrite)

natasha x reader

note: this was just a huge vent fic idk. these type of fics seem to be the only thing im okay at writing. mistakes are mine as always. but i did proofread, yay!

if you want to read the original (as awful as it is) you can read it here!

wanrings: this heavily revolves around eating disorders.

i’m not tagging anyone because the content isn’t really the lightest to read.

words are used everyday, everywhere – whether to describe something or someone. there’s thousands upon thousands of them.

so you were having a hard time figuring out why you were struggling so much to justify your feelings through the basis of words. it was unnerving, draining and very annoying. your emotions should be simple, right? you were either sad or happy, angry or scared. but there was something more, something unexplainable. saying you felt alone only scratched the surface of the wave of emotion that took over. it was excruciatingly painful, far worse than any physical pain you ever had to endure. and for some reason it seemed to come crashing down at night while natasha slept peacefully. you weren't exactly sure how to express your emotions to the extent you felt them. how else was anyone supposed to understand your pain? they couldn't, not unless they could somehow shift into your body and feel your emotions themselves. but that was merely impossible as such powers do not exist. so you were inevitably stuck with words foreign to your lips. over the years you were deemed unsafe, a hazard, "an accident waiting to happen" you recall one doctor say. everyone’s eyes were on you at all times, monitoring every little movement you made. it was suffocating and at times doing more damage than good.

as an adult now you learned how freeing it could be without the fear of gaining weight or eating a bowl full of rainbow marshmallow cereal. your worth was not defined by your weight.

(at least that's what you believed prior to any relapses.) everything was going well in your life. you were a college graduate working as a psychiatric nurse and you had found love, something your teenage self could only dream of. natasha was by your side through everything. and really, the only downfall in the relationship was that she had to travel a lot for her job. but you were secure enough in your relationship not to worry or decide to call things off. in the end natasha always made up for it when she came back, so you couldn't complain too much. things were going well for you, really, they were. until they weren't. (and you didn't know why.) it happened out of nowhere. work was a little more stressful than usual, but it was nothing you couldn't handle. natasha had been away for three months, only stopping by a few times to check in on you. but again, your wife being away for so long wasn't anything new or worrisome. the two of you had followed the routine of her leaving and coming back more than a thousand times; yet somewhere along the way you lost yourself. food became less of a priority, your hunger decreased drastically, and within the first month you'd lost thirteen pounds. it truly was an accident, slipping into a full blown relapse was never part of the plan. but thirteen pounds lighter you wanted more, to feel small again. you didn't have an answer as to why you became so attached to your eating disorder, but it didn't seem like it would be letting go any time soon. the rate at which you were going natasha would most definitely be able to see a difference; not only on your weight, but in the person you once were. she'd ask what happened and why it happened, poking and prodding for an answer, but you didn't have one. so here you stood in the kitchen of your shared home, a cup of sliced fruit in one hand and your cell phone in the other. you poured the fruit into the bottom of a blender along with a spoonful of yogurt and half a cup of soy milk. another half cup of ice followed suit. while the fruit blended, you shamelessly scrolled through your instagram. there was nothing interesting going on in other people's lives, you didn't even know why you had social media in the first place. it was dumb, and quite frankly you didn't give a shit whether or not sharon went to the beach. the sound of your blender coming to a halt brought your attention back to the real world. you poured your smoothie into your water bottle. the green liquid would be your breakfast and lunch for the day - dinner was still up for debate. a soft sigh left your lips. work was beginning to feel more like a chore and less of something you enjoyed. you were quickly growing tired of it. nonetheless, you grabbed your keys and rushed out of the door.

you thought about the irony of working as a psychiatric nurse with an undealt eating disorder telling teenagers how to deal with their own issues. you felt hypocritical to say the least, especially given that all the nasty side effects were starting to make themselves known.

your hair was beginning to thin, small clumps of it already starting to fall out when you tugged a little too hard. bruises could be seen scattered left and right on your body, and you were cold. god you were cold. your fingernails were tinted blue, warmth seemingly too far out of reach. you looked ill, and it didn't go unnoticed by your coworkers.

a few hours into your shift you found yourself sitting behind the nurses station filling out paperwork. lunch had passed and when your coworker, steve, asked if you were going to eat something you lied straight through your teeth, telling him you'd grab something when the patients were eating dinner.

but steve rogers could read you like an open book. he knew you were lying because he already knew what was going on. the signs of an eating disorder were quite obvious when you were a licensed therapist. and despite your futile attempts at hiding it, everyone could tell something wasn't right.

steve played it by ear for weeks until he contacted natasha, but by then you'd already lost a considerable amount of weight. as soon as she heard the news, natasha booked the next flight home. unfortunately for her though, there was only one flight and she would have to wait two and a half weeks before being able to leave.

you didn't know it, but those were the longest two and a half weeks natasha ever had to wait.

– patients were having group therapy, so you could tune them out - not that you should, but it was hard to focus when the only two things you could think about were food and your weight.

the need to lose weight sounded so stereotypical for someone with an eating disorder, but honestly it wasn't about that. it was never about wanting to be thin. you genuinely didn't know why this was happening. the only thing you noticed was how rewarding it felt seeing the number go down, as if for you were good for becoming less. it was addictive. and it didn't help that you based your entire worth on how much you could lose.

the next time you stood up from behind the nurses station steve met you in the the cafeteria. while the patients ate you took occasional sips from your smoothie. the bottle was still full of its contents from the morning. you had completely forgotten to drink it during the day, but you didn't seem to mind it that much.

the surprise touch of steve's hand on your shoulder startled you.

i am gross, you thought. do not do that.

steve caught onto the slight flinch your body produced as a reflex, but he didn't say anything about it.

"you can leave early, boss said so."

he laughed as he saw confusion plaster your face.

"what? no!"

"go home, seriously. we have this handled. you know tony doesn't like being told no."

you bit your lip, puzzled by the sudden request. most people wouldn't mind being sent home early, but all it did for you was give you a level of anxiety reserved for food.

what you didn't know was that natasha was home waiting for your arrival. she came back just short of an hour after you left for work.

while you were gone natasha made a few thorough rounds in the house looking for key signs of your eating disorder. there was bound to be evidence given that you didn't know she was home.

unsurprisingly, natasha found a glass scale beside the counter of the bathroom floor along with empty bottles of laxatives in the trashcan. the food in the fridge had been expired a few days past their date, giving her the indication that you weren't eating as much as you should be. her concern grew even more when she found your food journal on your nightstand. flipping the pages, natasha could see that throughout the moths she'd been gone your calorie intake had decreased significantly.

guilt began to gnaw at the back of her throat.

during the few days natasha stopped by, she hadn't noticed anything wrong with you. but then again she knew most people with eating disorders were very good at hiding them up until the point they were discovered. three days wasn't near enough time for her to catch onto your tricks, not when her mind was still focused on her job.

natasha always listened intently whenever you would talk about your eating disorder, the first time being six months into the relationship on a date you felt like you had ruined.

but talking about it was much different than experiencing it with you, natasha had never done that before up until now. she read nearly every article there was about anorexia, bulimia, binge eating disorder and ednos. sometimes when you were asleep she would watch documentaries on the disorder, always making sure to keep her volume at a low level.

the videos that hurt her the most were the ones teenagers struggling with the simple task of eating food.

(although natasha knew it wasn't that simple.)

it hurt because she knew that was you at some point in time.

upon your arrival, natasha cooked dinner. she wanted to hold onto the one sliver of hope that steve was wrong - that he was just overreacting - but she knew in her heart he was right about his assumption. however, dinner would only confirm what natasha so desperately wanted to deny.

when you walked through the door you were greeted with the overwhelming scent of food. you cringed at the thought of having to eat, but as soon as you looked up to see the redhead who'd been gone for so long your frown was washed away. a wide smile overtook your face and you rushed to jump into natasha's arms.

"i missed you so much," you whispered. "i thought you'd be gone for another few weeks?"

natasha's arms found their way around your waist as your legs wrapped around hers. "what? i can't come home early to surprise my wife?" you giggled in the crook of her neck. she smiled feeling the vibrations against her skin, happy to know that you'd missed her just as much as she missed you.

she sat you down, back facing you, she tended to the food. "you've lost weight," she commented, not missing the sharp inhale of your breath.

"how was work, nat?"

she nodded to herself. yeah, she didn't expect you to be so open on the first try.

"it was fine. dinner's ready, i made your favorite!" natasha threw a smile in your direction as she carried the plates over to the table. she had hoped to see your face light up the way it used to, but seeing the panicked look in your eyes further confirmed your relapse.

if nothing else, natasha wanted you to have a meal before she brought up the conversation.

"great... i love it, thank you nat!" your attempt at being enthusiastic failed miserably and you knew by the look she gave you, she already knew what was going on.

but throughout the meal, and despite the shakiness of your hand as it gripped the metal fork, natasha didn't say anything.

you weren't really sure which was worse; being confronted or knowing the both of you knew what the other was thinking and still not addressing it.

natasha's meal was good, you couldn't lie about that, but each bite you chewed caused the tightening in your chest to constrict further.

now you couldn't be good. or worthy. or deserving.

nat took away your plate when you were halfway through. she knew your limits, and she didn't want to push you too much out of your comfort zone.

"go change, i'll wash our dishes. meet you on the couch?"

you did as you were told, taking as long as you could to do so. except this time was different. you didn't glance in the mirror like you usually did, you chose to fully take in your figure.

what you saw was not what you expected to see. for the first time in months you saw a version of yourself that wasn't twisted and turned to be something you didn't know was real or not.

your skin was dry, hair thinned out beyond your belief, eyes sunken and dark underneath. the revelation gave you an odd feeling – was once again something unexplainable, unjustifiable by words.

good.

that was how you were supposed to feel, right? after all of this time, after the many pounds of protection and warmth lost, you were supposed to feel good.

but you didn't. and you never would.

there was something so surreal about the realization of your own destruction. you were aware now, which meant you had to either take responsibility or choose to lose everything you worked so hard for.

"y/n?"

your wife's voice snapped you out of your gaze and you scrambled to pile your dirty clothes and rush out of the bedroom.

as you made your way into the living room you could feel the intensity of natasha's gaze. any other time you would not mind her green eyes looking at you, but this time around you felt like you were in trouble.

she patted the empty spot next to her, to which you reluctantly joined. but even after everything you still tried to play it cool.

"what's up? is everything okay?"

she gave a low chuckle, "you tell me."

"what do you mean?"

"oh i think you know what i mean."

natasha’s reply was met with the loudest silence you ever had to sit through.

she bit her lip, "you know i got a call from steve a few weeks ago. he's concerned about you, and from what he's told me so am i."

you were quick to respond, automatically knowing what steve’s phone call was about. "i'm fine. so what if i've lost a couple of pounds? that doesn't automatically mean that im relapsing, natasha."

your quick snap reminded natasha that this kind of confrontation was like walking on eggshells.

she tilted her head, licking her lips. "i'm here with you, always." nat put a hand to the side of your face, gently rubbing her thumb at the top of your cheekbone. "i'm here."

it seemed pointless now to try and say anything because your secret was already out.

your mind began racing back and forth.

you wanted to keep what you knew best and natasha understood that. even by reading your body language she knew what you were debating.

"you know, to keep it you have to give it away." your eyes darted to meet hers. "mhm. you can still have that piece of you. mourn it, grieve it, do whatever you need to do to move onto a stage where it doesn't hurt you. and from there you can help other people, share your experience, let yourself heal by helping others."

she paused, “we all have choices. some of those choices are taken from you while others leave you with only one option.”

although what she said seemed to resonate with you, there was one thing still holding you back.

"i just want to be good."

natasha hummed. you had explained it to her in the past, though your words were jumbled together as you tried to describe it.

"you can be good in other ways. you're allowed to live a life outside of the barriers your eating disorder puts in the way."

you swallowed the lump in the back of your throat. "i don't even know how it got to this point. in january i enjoyed ihop and dennys. in february i could have oatmeal and bananas, sometimes half of a sandwhich if i was feeling brave. now it’s march and i only eat one or two things a day. the idea of having a full meal makes me want to cry. and i just- i don't know how to stop."

natasha wouldn't show it, but your words cut through her heart like a knife. her mind wandered briefly to all the teenagers in the documentaries she'd watched, hoping you weren't too far gone into your eating disorder to ever come back. those cases scared her the most.

"you've got my complete support. you've tackled this before, maybe this time you can beat it? i know its easier to abuse your body instead of growing comfortable in it, but i think you’ve got this. i know you do."

"what about your work?" your question caused natasha to frown. "you think i wouldn't set my job aside for you?" you shrugged, it's not like you felt like you were worth being taken care of anyway.

natasha grew hesitant to tell you her news, but did it anyway because she’d rather you hate her than see you dead. "i've already made some appointments for you. the first one is tomorrow morning."

"i figured you would natasha. it's okay."

you spaced yourself out the rest of the day. each time you made the executive decision to recover, whether that be a genuine recovery or not, the process never failed to remind you that even trying to recover from an eating disorder felt like mourning the loss of a friend who was never good for you in the first place.