the-mewspaper

[the-mewspaper]

Do you think Ladybug and Chat Noir's hero clothes are thermic? I mean, I know cats hate water (most of them) and can get sick pretty easily because of drastic weather changes, so I wonder if Chat is alright having to fight akumas during winter... I worry for his health.

If you’re asking me to speculate on how hot Chat Noir is, I’m not falling for it. Did he put you up to this? I told him my ‘all that black leather’ comment was a joke and now he NEVER lets me live it down!! 

I’m sure he’s warm either way, though. All that running and jumping and fighting evil, you know? Plus he’s at least 50% full of hot air, so I’m sure he’s fine.

Maybe I should make him a scarf or something... or some kitten mittens... hmmm

[the-mewspaper]

have you ever tried counting how many puns chat makes in a single visit?

I’m pretty sure French numbers don’t count that high??? What do you call the numbers between a billion and a googol 

[the-mewspaper]

Do you think Ladybug ever gets so mad at Chat that she gives him an impromptu middle name just to show him how mad she is?

And everytime she does this the name is different and slightly more ridiculous. For example:

Chat Oliver Noir

Chat Alexander Noir

Chat Beauregard Noir

Chat Filomina Noir

Chat Cornelius Noir

Chat Rutherford Noir

[the-mewspaper]

Mari’s Chat: an Interview with Chat Noir (Pt. 1)

I know, I know, you thought it would never arrive, but here it is: my long-awaited interview with Chat Noir! Paris’ top anti-crime cat sat down with me to answer your questions about villainy, leather, pop culture, and even romance. Remember to subscribe for future installments!

First of all, thank you so much for agreeing to this interview--

I think you mean interMEW~, princess.

If you think I’m going to make that the title of this piece, you are higher than the Eiffel Tower.

Can’t blame a cat for trying.

I can blame you, I just can’t be surprised. Anyway, thank you for taking time out of your busy crime-fighting schedule to answer some questions from our readers.

I just can’t say no to a pretty face.

...uh-huh.

Also, I was promised cookies.

So ‘you can’t say no to a cookie plate’ might be more accurate?

Basically. Thank you, by the way, these are cataclysmically delicious.

That’s what they’re called.

What?

Because they’re Mayan chocolate-chocolate chip? Chocataclysm Chip. It’s this month’s gimmick item.

...really?

...Chat, are you… going to cry?

MAYBE.

...oh my--it’s because the name is a pun isn’t it?

M A Y B E.

PFFT! Why don’t we just get to the questions?

As long as I can chew while I intervi-- ...interCHEW.

Oh my gosh.

You know you secretly love it.

--

ANyway, @papaya-chan and several anons want to know:  “What’s your favorite thing about being a hero of Paris?”

The free thank-you cookies.

Those were for an experiment, not to thank you.

Whatever you say, princess.

Don’t interview with your mouth full.

 --

People seem to be fascinated by your tail and ears. Several readers asked about how they work, if you can control them, feel them, if they’re functional or decorational, if your ears improve your hearing, if you trip on your tail… give us the low-down on the accessories.

Haha, you mean CAT-

If you turn ‘accessories’ into a cat pun, I swear…

… Ahem. It’s hard to answer, really. I can’t feel them, or control them on purpose usually. I don’t think about them most of the time, really. They just kind of… do their own thing. They’re connected to my powers, though, because the ears definitely improve my hearing. My senses in general are pretty impressive when I’m transformed, if I do say so myself.

More than when you’re in your civilian form?

I’d say I’m pretty impressive in or out of the suit, Princess.

I’ll just have to take your word for that.

--

@time-is-strange​ asks: “What do you think of Marinette?”

I think quite a lot of things, but she’ll hit me if I say most of them out loud, so I’ll just say that she’s purrfect and leave it at that. Ouch. Haha, what was that for?

One just in case.

You’re smiling, though.

Whatever you say, kitty. 

Still smiling.

SHHHHH.

--

@marleyparty asks: “What do you think you’d do if you found out who Ladybug is in real life?”

Oh, man… I think I might just… *loving exasperated sigh* die. It’s probably better that I don’t know, honestly, because I’d be thinking about her all the time, and I’d have to get her number so I could call her, and hang out with her, and just… be with her, you know? It would be really distracting haha.

Mmmmm… I dunno, you know they say you should never meet your heroes. What if she disappoints you?

How so?

Well, I dunno… what if she’s not cool and famous or anything? What if she’s just an ordinary girl?

You say that like it’s a bad thing. You’re an ordinary girl, and you’re amazing. I wouldn’t be disappointed. Trust me.

...Marinette?

HUH?

...are there more questions?

YES, YES. OF COURSE.

 ---

@crmini’s question is: “Are you a bona-fide blonde with green eyes and a model-like smile under all that disguise?” Ha, wow, this person is definitely a fan.

Wh- what do they mean? That question’s a little vague.

You mean overly specific. I think they’re asking if you dye your hair or wear contacts, but with an added implication of ‘are you also insanely attractive’.

Oh~ Unfortunately, I think that’s too much of a hint to my identity, so unfortunately I can’t say. I can say that my real face would make you swoon, though, princess.

Yeah, yeah, save it for Ladybug.

---

@ladyconagi wants to know: “Do you actually like Mar-----

...What?

Sorry, this one has a typo. Do you like, um, Martin Scorsese movies?

Um… Sure?

---

@lokobookwyrm asks: “What’s your favorite thing about working with ladybug?”

That’s easy: working with Ladybug.

That’s awfully tautological, don’t you think?

Then… being with Ladybug? ...haha, stop glaring at me. If you want me to list specific things then I’ll be here all night talking about how brave she is, or how funny, or smart, or how sometimes when she turns her head at sunset the light gets all caught up in her hair for a second like starlight and she ju-

OK, I think that’s sufficient.

 ---

This one’s from @dinoarusaur: “I heard you keep up with popular songs and their dances! Are you working on any new mewves currently? If so, which ones?”

…did you just say ‘mewves’?

……...no.

Yes you did.

...no?

It just says ‘moves’ on the paper, did you really change it to ‘mewves’??

STOP SMILING, IT WAS A SLIP OF THE TONGUE, OK.

Or maybe cat’s got your tongue? Looks like I’m rubbing off on you, princess.

MORE LIKE INFECTING ME. Does the CDC know about you??

It’s an ep-pun-demic, to be sure.

Answer the question, please.

I don’t think punintentional wordplay is registered with the Centers for Disease Control yet, no. At least not officially.

The other question.

Ah, right. I’m pretty fond of Asian pop and I’m not ashamed of it. I really like a few instrumental composers as well.

Like who?

Chopin, Tchaikovsky, Debussy, Greig… you know, the Romantics. What?? Don’t glare at me like that, I didn’t come up with it, ‘Romantic’ is just what the era is called haha. I like pretty much all of the Romantic composers. ...except for Puccini.

I get it.

I knew you would.

Don’t smile at me like that.

---

 @philcoulson-redtapeninja and some anons would like you to explain what Cataclysm feels like and how you activate it.

That’s really hard to explain, haha. It’s like… a hnnnnn… and then a haaaa, and then… FWSHHHH.

Well, I guess we can cross “writer” off the list of your possible alter-egos.

Haha, it’s hard to put into words! I guess I’d say it starts as sort of a tingle, almost like gathering static, and when it’s in my hand I can feel the pressure of it there, even though it’s not touching my skin… sort of like my hand and Cataclysm are opposite poles of a magnet, if that makes sense. And then when I use it, it feels like… like…

Chat, less flailing, more adjectives. Flailing doesn’t transcribe well from audio.

Haha, fair. It’s like… I don’t know, like the blood is being sucked out of me through my hand… like my arm is a straw and the power is being drawn out of me, only instead of making me feel empty, I feel stronger when it’s done… that’s as close as I can get, sorry.

---

@friederikevulpius asks: “Where do you see yourself in 10 years?”

Haha, is this your mom’s account, or something?

Haha, I… really doubt that.

So can you answer this one without giving away too much, or…

Let’s just say ‘hopefully still with Ladybug’, and leave it at that.

Can you think of a reason that the two of you would split up?

Not on my end… she might banish me for making one pun too many, though.

……...you just said that as “pun pun too many” in your head, didn’t you?

You know me so well, princess.

 --- 

@philcoulson-redtapeninja also wants to know what your favorite place in Paris is.

By Ladybug’s side… although I’m becoming quite fond of a certain balcony, as well.

You’re just in it for the cookies.

Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

--- 

@philcoulson-redtapeninja asks: “What’s your favorite food?”

….is it cookies?

Carbs in general, actually, but cookies are included in that.

See, I knew you only liked me for my access to free baked goods.

Aww, you know I don’t just like you for your buns.

And you know I don’t like you for your puns.

...wait, does that mean you do like me for something else?

……….I was just going with the rhyme, don’t think about it too much.

But you just said-

MISTAKES WERE MADE, OK, JUST LET IT GO.

--------------------------------

Well, that seems like as good a spot as any to cut this. There are several more installments on the way, so if you want to read part 2 make sure you’re following The Mewspaper, the internet’s #1 source for all things Chat Noir! Until next time, this is Mod Mari, signing off!

[the-mewspaper]

What anime characters do you like that go NYAN NYAN a lot?

Is poptart cat an anime?

[the-mewspaper]

How often does Chat flirt with you?

Look, maybe it’s not my place to share this, but...

Chat has a rare condition where instead of exhaling air (like a normal person), he exhales cheesy pickup lines. There’s currently no cure.

We’re working on an ice-bucket style challenge to help research this rare disease as we speak. Maybe we’ll start a Kickstarter

[the-mewspaper]

Opinion on Chat Noir: Super-Fly Superhero? Or Flirtatious Dorky Noodle?

[the-mewspaper]

Hey, Marinette. You seem to spend a lot of time around him; is he eating all right, 'cause I've been looking at some of his recent press photos and you can almost see RIBS through his costume. I'm a little worried about him, tell you the truth; does he have any food allergies we need to watch out for if we want to leave him food on our balconies or on a windowsill or something?

????? REALLY???? I hadn’t noticed -- I mean, from pictures online. 

Idk I assume he eats pretty well because he always smells like cheese... maybe he just lives near a fromagerie??

[the-mewspaper]

Don't dodge the question! Good booty or bad ass?

OH NOOOO, you’re breaking up KHHHHH-KHHHHHHH can’t KHHHHHHH you KHHH-KHHHH

[the-mewspaper]

Don't you think it's dangerous that Chat Noir has the power to destroy or kill anything he touches? Like no offence, but I don't blame most of Paris for having more faith in Ladybug cause it's not like her power will straight up murder anyone.

But Ladybug depends on that power, since she doesn’t have anything like it; and her power in turn undoes any damage that Chat’s power did. They work in perfect compliment to one another. I’m sure Ladybug would say the same thing.

[the-mewspaper]

What's your opinion on Chats ass? Good booty or not?

.......now I have “shake. chat. thing. miss. bada-bada shake.” stuck in my head and I 110% blame you.

[the-mewspaper]

Hey did you enjoy being saved by Chat Noir during your date with Evillustrator?

Yes I did very much but oops looks like you accidentally switched that around b/c I’m pretty sure you meant “did you enjoy saving Chat Noir”. 

Also it wasn’t a date.

It was a birthday party.

......everyone else was just late.

[the-mewspaper]

HEY GIRL, did you see that on the yearly fandometric list, ladynoir was number 13. ;) Chat Noir must be so flattered. Him and his girlfriend are the 13th most popular couple on tumblr.

WHOA WHOA WHOA, was there some press release I missed? Chat Noir and Ladybug aren’t an item, guys, these rumors really need to stop.

I mean, uh... You know, because, uh, someone else still has a chance. With Chat. Because he’s single. Probably.

Not that I’m interested. I’m just saying. As a blossoming journalist on the trail of truth.

[the-mewspaper]

Can Chat Noir sing?

Sing? Yes.

Well? ....well...

[the-mewspaper]

what if chat noir was hawk moth

what if the real hawkmoth was the friends we made along the way

[the-mewspaper]

Hey, Marinette, if someone mind-controlled chat into trying to murder you, say by like Chloe, do you think you'd have it in you to stop him? Terminally, if necessary?

No ‘terminally’ needed; I’d just call Ladybug and she’d sort him out. Whether or not I’d kill him the next day, now that I cannot promise.

[the-mewspaper]

what would your reaction be if Chat showed up one day with flowers, expensive jewelry, rare and expensive fabrics and so on and gave them to you and said, "marinette, je t'aime"?

It wouldn’t be “one day” it would be “the first day”. Of April, to be precise.