the-perfect-day-to-die

[the-perfect-day-to-die]

Here we go, i guess i was stupid to believe that any plan would work. Especially when it's my plan because they never work.

[the-perfect-day-to-die]

Here we go again bitch mother is back from her little vacation let's see what bs and paranoia shit she will bring this time.

[the-perfect-day-to-die]

bpd culture is constantly switching between despising your abusers and genuinely wishing their deaths to blaming yourself for the emotional abuse they did to you as adults while you were a child and thinking that you were just as abusive as them because you lashed out and had splitting episodes

-🌺🐀

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[the-perfect-day-to-die]

Bpd culture is bpd ruining every aspect of me. Bpd infiltrates into everything even into things that i thought were fun and innocent.

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[the-perfect-day-to-die]

As much as it sounds nice to read my chat history with my partner, i don't think i should do it because there are some super triggering things. And of course that whole trauma thing that happened. 🫠

Especially that i cannot afford to have another breakdown since tomorrow i have plans.

[the-perfect-day-to-die]

I'm such a bad partner. But it's not a surprise because I'm all mentally fucked. I guess that's why I'm so unlovable.

[the-perfect-day-to-die]

No wonder why i always preferred roleplays and shit. Reality always sucked. But it got to the point where i much rather live in rps than in reality. Fucked up? Yea. But hey, I'm already fucked up in general so this shouldn't be a new thing.

[the-perfect-day-to-die]

The only thing I'm good at, the only thing i can do the best is to hurt myself. I will never fuck that up. I'm amazing at it.

[the-perfect-day-to-die]

At this point i probably should just let my helix piercing to heal all the way. I fucked up too much. At this point it will either start rejecting or it'll be always fucked up and crooked.. But that's what i deserve. I don't deserve good things. I always do something to fuck it all up. I fucking hate myself.

[the-perfect-day-to-die]

If cutting won't make numb then only being dead will...

[the-perfect-day-to-die]

I'm pathetic piece of shit. Why am i still alive?

[the-perfect-day-to-die]

Only i can fuck it up so much.... I hate myself. I want to tear myself into pieces....

[the-perfect-day-to-die]

I wish i could stop crying and making it worse for myself.

Maybe i need to cut again.

[the-perfect-day-to-die]

my favorite mantra lately:

god i fucking hate myself god i fucking hate myself god i fucking hate myself god i fucking hate myself god i fucking hate myself god i fucking hate myself god i fucking hate myself god i fucking hate myself god i fucking hate myself god i fucking hate myself god i fucking hate myself god i fucking hate myself god i fucking hate myself god i fucking hate myself god i fucking hate myself god i fucking hate myself

[the-perfect-day-to-die]

This whole life thing is not for me

[the-perfect-day-to-die]

I need to kill fangirl in me.

[the-perfect-day-to-die]

I think me being a fangirl is really not ok in a relationship. I think this is what makes me a fake. I hate myself for this.. While do i have to ruin my relationship like this?! What's wrong with me? Do i even love her? Or is it all because of.......

I wish i could stop crying.... I have a bad headache.... I need to stop crying....