thecleanbonesgone

[thecleanbonesgone]

ONE LAST RIDE

This is a poem I wrote this morning after having a vivid dream about a person I miss.  Ten or so laundry bags concealing sleepy lions, or some such heavy checkpoint come to level me up to you as seventy seven sonnets defragment around this dorm-space and bits, like little ships, go moor as words in skirting estuaries -- we’re stood here. It’s finally easy.  This mile below surveillance has us easier than nature and like peonies with sapphire tips, here we are a folklore myth relieved by these hammered out nooks on the rock-facem we hide and i’ve built a teenager’s bedroom from this mountainside cave where lions may sleep.  Our armies have retired or died and it’s just us now, resting, not hiding. Arms out like rivers, I forget the things you wear or wore when grace  comes dressless, acceptance naked, skins stand down and prove their trust with marble-even ease

and I too trust your appearance in my dream this dark morning.  The few weathers at my window drum quietly, suburban choruses attune -- and me turns into us once more, quite kindly this time. Like wet stacks of newspaper out in the yard I am heavy and immovable.  The message on the front page has been rained off. 

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Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.

March 27th, day seven of our pathworking, meditations, studies and readings lends it keen sting to Atu XIV - ‘Art’, corresponding to the path Samekh which connects the sephira Yesod and Tiphareth, and Chapter VII of Liber ARARITA.

The Thoth Tarot Atu 'Art’ connects path number 25 between Tiphareth (Sun) and Yesod (Moon). Tiphareth is about manifesting beauty in the world and connecting with our centre. Art connects this Sephiroth with Yesod which is a reflection of the subconscious which like dreams can throw up difficult aspects and things we have not yet resolved. 

This card is all about integrating these two aspects and bringing the things we have not resolved to the surface and purifying them in our higher self. This can sometimes be a challenging process but it enables us to temper out nature and find balance or the ‘middle way’.

The tarot card 'Temperance’ was renamed ‘Art’ by Aleister Crowley to represent the Art of alchemy, although both cards represent the same theme. The figure in Art is called an androgyne: it has both masculine and feminine characteristics and Crowley relates it to the Roman Goddess Diana.The Hebrew attribution for the Temperance card is the letter Samekh, meaning prop or crutch. When we give up our material props and put our faith in our spiritual path our life will be  enriched.  When we face our fears dwelling in our subconscious we unravel the difficult aspects of our nature that are unresolved and we throw away the prop of being comfortable in where we are, and move to a place of inner beauty,  working through these energies that have stagnated beneath the surface of our consciousness.

Art is the opposite of the Lovers Card in the zodiac. They represent forms of the alchemical marriage. In the Lovers we had SOLVE  or the act of dissolving and in Art we have COAGULA (same as to coagulate or put together/reassemble). The Lovers reflects the pain of separation whilst Art is about reintegration and harmony.

When you separate a substance and refine it and then put it back together it is something new and improved. This is an analogy for illustrating the process of the spiritual seeker purifying and integrating himself so that he is more spiritually evolved and is a better conduit for the flow of spirit into matter.

The rainbow in background arising from the breastplate and contains the words:

“VISITA RECTIFICANDO INVENIES OCCULTUM LAPIDEM” - visit the interior parts of the earth ; by rectification(purification) thou shalt find the hidden stone. Crowley goes into great detail about this in his Book of Thoth on page 104.

This statement describes the process and result of what has happened in the cauldron. When we go within ourselves (the centre) and purify that which we find, we find the hidden stone(philosophers stone), Enlightenment. We then have colour and harmony surrounding us (rainbow).

VITRIOL = derived from the letters from the above statement. representing the balance of the 3 alchemical principles, sulphur, mercury and salt, or the 3 gunas. Again we have this idea of balance, harmony and integration expressed. The arrow of Sagittarius implies the importance of directed Will.

Liber DCCCXIII vel ARARITA sub figûra DLXX

VII

0. Then in the might of the Lion did I formulate unto myself that holy and formless fire, קדש, which darteth and flasheth through the depths of the Universe.

1. At the touch of the Fire Qadosh the earth melted into a liquor clear as water.

2. At the touch of the Fire Qadosh the water smoked into a lucid air.

3. At the touch of the Fire Qadosh the air ignited, and became Fire.

4. At the touch of the Fire Qadosh, O Lord, the Fire dissipated into Space.

5. At the touch of the Fire Qadosh, O Lord, the Space resolved itself into a Profundity of Mind.

6. At the touch of the Fire Qadosh the Mind of the Father was broken up into the brilliance of our Lord the Sun.

7. At the touch of the Fire Qadosh the Brilliance of our Lord was absorbed in the Naught of our Lady of the Body of the Milk of the Stars.

8. Then only was the Fire Qadosh extinguished, when the Enterer was driven back from the threshold,

9. And the Lord of Silence was established upon the Lotus flower.

10. Then was accomplished all that which was to be accomplished.

11. And All and One and Naught were slain in the slaying of the Warrior 418,

12. In the slaying of the subtlety that expanded all these things into the Twelve Rays of the Crown,

13. That returned unto One, and beyond One, even unto the vision of the Fool in his folly that chanted the word Ararita, and beyond the Word and the Fool; yea, beyond the Word and the Fool.

I hope you all enjoy and benefit from your workings this day!

Love is the law, love under Will.

Frater 440.’.

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Birthday dinner filth

[thecleanbonesgone]

HB 2018

Regret leaves its wake of eggshells, coffee grounds, jam on the sideboards its memories of once-days, twice-days, three hanging days of retirement; I, too, am resigned. A practise, spasm dance, free of audience, perhaps I dreamed this. I don’t know how many of me are divisible by three.  The worst planet in the world, at that moment, retches for me an eerie projectile spatter of mottled moons, stars or something, connecting and  vile, and -- as vomit wonts -- it slips, and barrels away as children down a hillside, to a small shed-light, fire-lit by some old, campfiery anon.  I’d make a camera obscura if it wasn’t easier to just learn to create again when everything new stands to attention, hung by dental floss, hovering from the shingled bedroom floor, throwing shadows, bigger than ourselves, and weirder yet shapes, new things, show us now as grotesque, degraded candles. I held these regrets in either hand and thought how best to drop them so asked my friend, who said there was a dance that threw his arms out the likes of which he’d never done before -- and as he blew away all notions  of remedy, cause, and effect, his body twitched into fascinating violence and those glass weights, now seeming so fanciful, fell shattering into powder on the hardwood. 

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HOLLY AND REUBEN

So i found this, something i wrote back in the summer of 2013 and had completely, completely forgotten all about until unearthing it just now. It’ll never end up anywhere, so it belongs here.  Holly and Reuben are Taking Small Steps 1. HOLLY: Can we go for a drive? Can you take me somewhere I don't know?REUBEN: I will take you for a drive. You will chart the journey yourself with a homemade map. I will not assist you in making this, and we will not stop along the way. You will not touch me. You will not attempt to touch me in the car when we drive to the place you do not know. And can I? Yes, I probably can. Whether I may or not, that’s a different question entirely. Come on, Holly, you know this. 2. HOLLY: Do you think you could please let me stay for a few days? REUBEN: You can stay for a few days and you will help me to water the garden and mow the lawn. When we have completed the outside work we will begin to polish all of the oak furniture except the furniture in the spare room, which can be as clean or as dirty as you want it to be. 3. HOLLY: I have parked my car directly next to yours. Can you come outside and sit in your car so we are sitting, parked up together? REUBEN: You will sit in your car and I will sit in mine. I will climb through the passenger side and we will roll down our windows so we can hear each-other speak. You will hold my hand over the distance between the cars. I will retract as soon as our hands touch. You will apologise and I will say it's okay Holly, I'm not angry at you. Why would I be angry at you Holly? No, honestly, I'm not mad at you at all. I wish you wouldn’t think that. 4. HOLLY: I have noticed the weather is so close there may be a thunderstorm. I’m going to confidently state that there actually will be a thunderstorm, and do you know how I know that? I know that because I  feel suffocated by the pressure bearing down on me. It is warm, and intense, and deep. I can see ripples appearing in the river by your old house. The bright coloured flowers are brighter against the grumbling sky, like still-open eyes on a dead, bloated face. I'm sorry if sometimes my metaphors distress you, Reuben. REUBEN: You will comfort me through the thunderstorm because I will maintain that I am afraid of them. This is a trick I will use because I know you're a firm believer in exposure therapy ever since you forced yourself to go back to the pub where it happened over and over again until you stopped having panic attacks. You will tell me we need to go out walking during the thunderstorm. You will walk me to the top of the highest hill in our immediate vicinity and we will stand on top and you will tell me this will put an end to my fears. I am not scared. Our arms will be around each-other but it won't be sexual, I’m not about that right now. Your skin and my skin will be wet together. I will be able to feel the shape of your breasts against my chest. I won’t say anything about it. I haven’t noticed enough to mention it. Secretly you are hoping you are struck by lightening. Not so you will die, but because you believe you will become electrified. I already am, but again, I’ve decided not to mention it. Besides, you will not notice this because I will be hiding it exceptionally well. Your metaphors don't distress me, Holly. The only thing distressing about that metaphor was that it was predictable. 5. HOLLY: I have stopped taking the pill. Do you want to risk it? I think people would describe me as "glowing", I could be one, round, delighted woman for you, Reuben. I want you to gift me with the most beautiful little baby girl. Just one child, is all I’m asking. You know what happens to a woman’s eggs don’t you, the older she gets? REUBEN: You will let go of this ridiculous notion immediately, Holly. How am I supposed to consider loving you again, if you bring with you a second you? You have your job at the local charity. Concentrate on that for a while. Jesus Christ, Holly. You’re giving yourself no time at all. 6. HOLLY: Please can I fall asleep with you in your bed tonight? REUBEN: You will not fall asleep next to me, I do not want our bodies to be that close for that long an amount of  time. 7. HOLLY: I have to move house soon. Will you rent out a van and drive me to it with all of my things in the back? Can we listen to Duran Duran on the journey? Can we make jokes together, can we start acting like we know each-other?REUBEN: You will not put Duran Duran on for the journey but you will put Depeche Mode on. I will write down all the jokes we've ever made and order them by ascending levels of humour, inferred intimacy and obscurity. The jokes that score highest in all three, are the ones we will make first, and then as the journey goes on and our interest in the activity wanes, we’ll be working our way down the list and the quality level of the jokes will descend perfectly with the tone and mood of the van. Also, I will time the journey so that the jokes are made at the most poignant parts of the journey, for example: just as we are exiting your old street, just as we drive past the restaurant we last had dinner at, just as we divert to your ex-boyfriend's house and you are overwhelmed with sadness so I attempt to console you by saying: "Cheer up Holly, it's 2015 and you're a beautiful woman!" because it's 2013, but do you remember that time I  got the date wrong and you never let me forget it? My whole family were there. It was really funny. It's 2015, Holly, and you're a beautiful woman. Now let's try and shift this Welsh Dresser out the back. 8. HOLLY: I have decided I will try to love you. REUBEN: You will not try to love me. You stopped loving me a long time ago. I will not permit you to fall in love with me because it would be deeply insincere of you and you would only end up hating yourself more and if you hate yourself I’ve then got the burden of convincing you that you’re inherently loveable, and whilst I may believe that, you’ll take far too much convincing and I have a full-time job. But I will weather all the changes that to most would seem imperceptible, I will sit out your storms and praise you highly for even the smallest of your achievements. If you want to put a window through I will give you the stones and we'll find some windows in any abandoned house. I know of a few houses. There are ~5 abandoned houses I know of. I'm quite the Abandoned House Guy. That’s something you didn’t know about me but you don’t need to know everything. You need to always be learning new things about me, just as I recently learned you can’t make custard from scratch and whilst this isn’t a big deal you get really angry at yourself about it.  I gave up smoking for you. Went down from 30 a day to nothing. I still haven’t picked that habit back up again. My will-power is astounding, truly. But then you know that. 9. HOLLY: I want you to sit on the sofa with me and those cheap, old game shows. I want you to be adorable to me in all situations. I want to order pizza and chicken wings and drink Port because it's left over from Christmas. So will you order a pizza, collect it on your way over and on the way, do you think you could possibly just stop the car mid-road causing a panic and a minor collision (which you will then ignore) and run down to the shore of the beach near where we now live together, can you stand there with your hands stretched outwards and push the sea away from us, can you make it stand up and be repelled from you like opposing poles of a magnet, can you do that? Can you push the sea back, for me? REUBEN: I cannot push the sea back for you. My first problem with this request is it is so nauseatingly amateur dramatics, this isn’t your A Level screenplay, Holly. Besides, the sea; it is not a solid but a billion bodies working together as one. If I cannot influence one body I certainly cannot influence a billion. If you had asked me to push the moon further away I might have been able to do that with the right amount of strategic planning, but your expectations of me have always been too high. I will buy a bottle of water on the way down. I’ll pour it out the window as I’m driving. When it has fully run out, that’s when I’ll stop the car causing a panic and a minor collision. I will run down to the sea and capture some of the seawater in the bottle. I will put the lid back on then get back to the car and drive back to you, and then you will drink it. It will taste weird and then I will lie you down. I will kiss you at all five of your points and summon the moon out from you. I will perform oral sex on you and you will remember why you stayed with me for so long. That's the best I can do, Holly. Do you remember when I used to dare you to be quiet and it gave the whole thing a new taste? You will taste a bit like the sea and I will fall back in love with you. May I remind you again that I gave up smoking for you? 10. HOLLY: Why haven't you come home from work yet? I feel the sun finally coming back out. I think I'm getting better. I think I'm actually getting better. I think I've got it all worked out, darling. Come home immediately, I've made a cake from a recipe of Nigella's. I did a test. REUBEN: I'm caught up in a meeting. I've sent you an email from my phone with a picture of the meeting. Look how stupid my boss looks. All puffy-faced and fat. All I can think about right now is when you kiss my sternum. Put popping candy on my sternum and then lick it all up. Kiss me and put your tongue in my mouth and let it snap and pop as they tickle. You will not ask me why. I will not ask you why. We will not need to ask why. We're adults, we can do what we like. We won’t read too much into this. 11. HOLLY: Let's move away. This is going so well. I cannot believe how well it's going.  Let’s move just anywhere. Maybe London. Maybe if we moved to London we could start again. Your hair’s starting to go grey isn’t it. Right at the temples. I forget the age difference sometimes, as if ten years is just a drop in the ocean, but it separates us, generationally speaking. REUBEN: We will not move away. We will stay right here. What are we running from any more? Would you prefer it if we were still running? Why must you only love us when our feet are off the ground? Besides, aren’t I a little old to be constantly on the move? You can’t have it both ways. 12. HOLLY: Can we go for a drive? Can we go live somewhere we don’t know, or compromise with a camper-van? REUBEN: I will take us for a drive. You will chart the journey yourself with a homemade map. I will assist you in making this, and we will stop everywhere along the way. You will touch me. You will touch me in the car when we drive to the place you do not know. Besides we probably can, but whether we may, that’s a different thing altogether, come over, I hate the phone and I miss you. 

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just saw this in my screenshots today, 2012 I’d say.  there’s a lot in here.  oh i miss you, you weirdass dickhead. take care of my dad. <3 

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Shouldn’t that be “Heil Walt”?

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New poem - Fuckboi 2018

If you’re gonna

look at pictures of your ex

wearing next to nothing

through a secret fb profile

use anyone’s computer

but your girlfriend’s

and try to remember

why you humiliated them

both that way

and also why “hoes”

is such a popular search term

for you

but if your memory is failing

remember one thing:

why none of this is

your fault .

[thecleanbonesgone]

We talk about antisocial, borderline and narcissistic personality disorders all the time and often we think we know the signs and symptoms. But what about the other clusters? What about dependent? We all know this person in our lives, we just don’t have a sensationalised media view of them so we don’t know the name for this.

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This is my new subscription service to a project called REAL MAGIC which will later become a book.  Subscribe here to receive updates from your troubled narrator --

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[thecleanbonesgone]

to all waters and otherwise

[thecleanbonesgone]

UNTITLED POEM FOR MY FATHER

What we experience, what currency must it hold? Every bloodshed I watched, was it papered, or negated whenever I've peered over the parapet, and held newborns supporting their soft heads with my right hand?

October days like this one, dad, feel like they're happening at once and never before or again. First it was cloudless, then it got dark, and though my eyes stroked the gloomy artefacts [a football shirt, miniature, glassy, duty-free bodies; cushions and cushions, nebuliser capsules in vain, that fucking treadmill],

I lost it all more than I ever saw it, the second I saw it. It's not for me to share the strains of love I've observed but if they were small like Marlboro clouds or big like a whole, hulking car, they still only ever passed through just like we all must do. What we get out of this; a coin

for every time you remembered when we confused the duck by landing a slice on his whole back, 1997, cashed in now for post-life amenities, I lose track of the earth and ask you confuse me now, too.

Once more it's clear the world is around again, the basement of which is a heat you won't need to learn.

The two vines I'm split by are not just the missing you and wanting you healed, but the nesting of life I insist on, hand-on-womb, and the flailing of life that took all time to apprehend, and no time at all to stretch itself out of your face all at once, giving way, freely and formless -- with warmest regards, and deepest regret. 

[thecleanbonesgone]

THREE CHEERS FOR THE PROTECTORS

namely the first, sickly and firm, like a Brittany pup undergoing chemo; a mean stick to throw when one hour of fetching could be traded for one hour of straining our eyes heavenward to meet his pretty face.  Comes the second -- my pear-cut, mid-century rock; un-chippable and cloudless, roped around my silly,  young finger. Saloon doors flap as all else falls still, the town we colonised, me with my eyes closed and  him, still itching hot and pissed from missing game season.  Best comes in third, my father. The broken cycler,  famous, low tones of comfort come spirited up the floors with warm air, shucked like an oyster when he smiled  the last time and, like the wizards before him, shot a  final glance to the room. His old, white beard, white,  runic, Jupiter hair, that the funeral director gave me  a lock of just last week. 

[thecleanbonesgone]

gender euphoria