thoughtsofchamomile

[thoughtsofchamomile]

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The entire explanation of my side story. Again, as a Christian who pursues the will of God, I cannot keep sinning. I cannot keep fornicating and keep reasoning my weakness because God has already gave us grace that is perfect for my weakness. I cannot do what God doesn’t want me to do. I am born again. I am changed. And the only change I’m supposed to be transformed with is what God has planned for me. I should only walk on the path God leads me to. And it is clearly not sin.

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Understanding Love

First of all, this is not about KathNiel’s breakup, although I am really affected by it too.

Even when I was younger, I often hear the statement, “love is not enough”. I believed it too, but I didn’t understand it back then.

I always believed how strong and powerful love is. Because it pushes you to do things you never imagined yourself doing. Love is a noun and a verb. It is also an adjective because God is love. Love is a glue that binds everyone together, and at the same time a fire that destroys everything in a small amount of time.

Love is so powerful that it could even kill you.

But love could change you. It could bring either the best or the worst out of you.

They say love is blind. Because when you are in love all you see is the good things in the person, in or out. We tend to disregard the toxic behaviors of the person we love. Sometimes, their physical appearance as well.

I craved for a love that is a complete opposite of what I see in my parents.

I used to think that the most visible expression of love is the act of kindness and goodness. I also believe, until now, that the most important thing in a person is the heart. It’s being good (well, next to love because I do not believe there is goodness in the absence of love. When we love, everything follows).

Nothing is better than being good to people.

So I always taught myself that in looking for a partner, I should never look for wealth, but for heart alone. Because money can be earned anytime. I was not sent to a good school to be a housewife one day. I am proud I am not a gold digger, and was sure that I can earn my own money.

So it happened.

Reuben and I were together for more than four years. We were together in my entire college years.He is a good man, and I’m proud he is. He loves me very much. He is faithful. Most importantly, he is a Christian… But only in religion. He is jobless, and he just got back to school last three years. He is not rich.

At first, I thought it’s fine.

I understand he has no money and I appreciate his small gifts every occasion, although not consistently, but I appreciate. If he can make an effort to give me gifts even he has nothing, what more could he give when he has something? Ever since when we go out, I spent all the time, and it’s fine. During the pandemic, I didn’t really need the money, though I have a little. And I did appreciate how he stayed by my side even at the lowest point of my life when I struggled with depression and anxiety, and always wanted to die.

He was with me. When I thought nobody was, he is. Even we don’t see each other all the time, he is there. And I appreciated.

But then eventually, a lot of things happened, a lot had changed. My needs have changed. I need his presence more than everything else. I even offered to spend for everything, just so he can suffice my needs. It worked, but not very well. He started to treat me differently. He started making excuses all the time. He could not prioritize me anymore. He always got reasons. He is often irritated, then be sorry later on. At some point, he is not him anymore, he is not the person I used to love before. He’ll be sorry but manipulate things, gives lame reasons and often reprimands me. He started invalidating my feelings.

We broke up and get back again all the time. Because he could not keep his promises. He is not a man of his word. Nor a provider or a leader or a man I used to know.

I was not blinded by his red flags, I know I didn’t deserve it. And in return, even I remained as sweet as candy, my heart turned cold. I always find fault in him. I count his wrongs, unintentionally, because I tried not to make a big deal about it, but a small move creates a huge impact when piled up.

This is how I understand why love is not enough.

A relationship built with love is a good seed, but with not enough water and sunlight, it could not grow.

A relationship is like a plant, it has its own needs (good soil, water, and sunlight) to be sustained constantly. A relationship does not circle in love alone. It should always have trust, respect, and everything each person needs. People have desires other than love. The persons who belong to a relationship should acknowledge and honor these needs. And most importantly, a relationship needs God to fix each other’s fault. He will cut your withered leaves and watch over you. A God-centered relationship is something I used to dream. And I thought having a born again boyfriend is the answer, but no. A religion of person does not define true Christianity.

So I realize now, with all that been said, that love can really be enough to sustain a relationship because God is love. And we should surrender it all to Him. On the other hand, his graciousness and perfect will was enough indeed for this world, but the world did not accept Him. He is enough, but people chose something else.

In other words, I could say that love is enough. But it should be accompanied by actions.

Being good is also enough. But we can argue that people don’t stop being good while giving into temptations at the same time, because you are not defined but your mistakes. It is true. But this world is completely different from the ways of God. You see, being a good Christian means to be firm to not fall for sin. But all Christians sin every single day. It’s not fine, but God understands that humans are weak, that’s why His grace is sufficient for us, because His power is made perfect in weakness (2 Corinthians 12).

It is impossible to live a life without God. Because God created life. He is life.

Therefore, when we feel that love is not enough, we should start assessing ourselves: “did I ever seek God’s will over mine?” If not, then we should pray harder! Repent and seek His will. Just think about every single move you make. It might go against the will of God without you realizing it.

We also have to understand that no relationship is perfect for us humans, we always have to seek God.

No person could ever comprehend the goodness of God, and His peace despite of imperfections.

Well, not all relationships are for a lifetime. Sometimes, it is also God’s will for us to love somebody but don’t end up with them. It is part of God’s plan for our progress and growth. And it is not a waste of time. And it definitely does not mean that love is not enough.

Be dependent on God.

[thoughtsofchamomile]

It's my 1 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

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I remember when my grandfather died last week. This is indeed what I have felt. I am at peace. Surprisingly and miraculously. It was not too hard for me to accept his death. I know there was peace, and there is peace up until now.

“God’s peace can never be completely understood”

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Sometimes I question my own Christianity.

They say you can’t find the same person twice, not even in the same person.

And that is me.

Where is the cheerful, loving me?

How did my heart turn this way?

How is it so hard for me to forgive when I know God has forgiven me because of Jesus Christ?

How can I even glorify His name with this kind of heart?

Is it right that I call Jesus my Lord when I am living this kind of life?

Indeed, I am not worthy of forgiveness yet Jesus still died for me.

Lord this is the sin that I struggle the most. I don’t want you to renounce your forgiveness for my sins because I could not forgive the way you want me to.

I know you hate sin and not the sinner. But Lord, how come he is completely eaten up by his lust that he could lie continuously just to destroy his own daughter to save his name?

Isn’t it unfair, Lord?

I know you are righteous and just and I know I keep failing you but God how?

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How do we make peace to people without apologizing to them? Because technically I got pride since they wronged me. I honestly don’t want to say sorry but I wanna make peace

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January 30, 2023 — he gave me a ring🥹

A Happy Ever After🫶🏻🤞🏻

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What would I sacrifice today to benefit the other?

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Ang hirap

Ano bang dapat gawin?

Nalukungkot ako pero ayoko

Nilalabanan ko pero hindi dapat

Eh anong gagawin ko?

[thoughtsofchamomile]

“God’s peace can never be completely understood”

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When the Sky Meets the Ocean

Isn’t it ironic how I’m looking from above yet I look up to you?

I am the sky and you are the ocean.

I couldn’t comprehend, I wanted to ask,

But you are so deep, I just couldn’t reach you.

They say your deepest depth discovered is higher than the land and I’s distance.

Clearly, no one has ever known you.

Most people dreams to reach the sky.

I understand, they have to dream what they can only believe to achieve.

For to dream to discover you deeper is impossible enough.

How come we barely know each other when we always meet?

How come we always talk but couldn’t be enough closer?

I could never fathom the mystery of your calmness.

Will the stars forgive me for adoring you?

You sparkle beautifully as the sun touches your gorgeous epipelagic zone.

Oh if you only knew…

09/09/22

[thoughtsofchamomile]