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Double tap

....well actually, triple tap. Kickboxing + sub wrestling + cyclone = ouch!! I have aches all over but it does actually feel pretty good, it's been a while

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Win #2

Packing my lunch and taking it with me to work. A double win really as saving money too.

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Win #1

I'm starting a list of wins. Little things that are good. Today's win is no cake or biscuits. Just one day, but considering I've gone about a month having cake every day, that's a wiiiiiiin!,,

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I’m back (again!) - re-read my last post and, well, more of that!

In the coming weeks I’ll fill in the gaps between then and now, including a period of being really ill that has completely fucked my head riiiiiight up. But right now, I’m rev logging my last post and telling you all that I did what I said I was going to do today. I prepped my work meals, I washed up, I went to the gym. That’s it. Felt good.

It’s been a month since I last posted and I could pretty much just cut and paste that text and post it again cos, well, business as usual.

Have I revitalised my eating habits? Nope…

Have I made some small changes? No no no…

Have I lost all sense of a remotely sensible eating routine and…

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1,2,3 aaaaand you're back in the room....

It's been a month since I last posted and I could pretty much just cut and paste that text and post it again cos, well, business as usual. 

Have I revitalised my eating habits? Nope...

Have I made some small changes? No no no...

Have I lost all sense of a remotely sensible eating routine and has all hell broken lose? Erm....

The good news first - I've got a new job (hurray!). A really good one, although i had 2 weeks after the interview (and a month at finishing at the old place) before i started, which have been mostly filled with lunches and shopping. Hard life!

When i got the call about the job, I literally felt like a ton weight had been lifted from my shoulders. To the point that I had to grab hold of a wall. So, yeah, literally. I then went home and had a little cry - a happy cry, but still a little cry. I then slept for 2 days. 

And then I ate. 

Not just some nice lunches and the odd cake here and there. I reverted back overnight to the days of yore, and ate crap like it was going out of fashion. I thought this was down to the whole 'reward' thing - I've had a shitty 6 months, I've finally come out the other side and i deserve to reward myself with that 16" pizza and tub of ice cream. And i think part of that was true, certainly at first.

But something occurred to me last night while I was watching some Biggest Loser (cos that's how i roll!) - they were talking about eating as a shield. Being so scared to face something new, something different and, importantly, something that exposes you and your own ability, that the reaction is to burrow down into a cake selection and pretend that people aren't looking at you. And something tinged in my head - I have spent the last 6 months (or more) hating on my old work and everyone else around me (including myself), fretting about whether anyone was ever going to employ me. So, when i finally got a job, after the initial sign of relief, it suddenly hit me that I'd have to actually go and do it. Out into the unknown, really, for the first time in a long time. And i think i had a mini freak-out. 

I've done the same thing before. Everything in the list below was going to be the reason for me to finally get a grip and lose weight (all the weight). I set myself targets-by-numbers (sometimes without telling anyone) and each and every time i missed the goal. Sometimes i still lost some weight, sometimes i had other goals that i achieved, but always i freaked out at the prospect of doing something that was just me and would put me at the centre of the circle, all eyes facing in...

My wedding - was it the best day of my life, marrying my best friend? Yes, of course! Do i WISH I'd have lost more weight and could've picked the dress i actually wanted?! A little bit...

Various races over the past few years - I've loved them all, I've finished them all, but i signed up for them ALL with a view that this would be it, the thing that finally sorted my head out. But they weren't...

My 30th - "by the time i'm 30 i will weigh...."

New Year, Christmas, Easter, Next Tuesday.......

See a theme?!!

The new job is yet another one on that list. "My new job will be the trigger for me to eat perfectly healthily all the time, and I'll lose weight by Christmas and look amazing and everyone will say so and it'll be great...." And then every time I've thought this I've panicked and ordered a burger. Because what if i don't do it? What if people judge me? What if, even after losing the weight, I'm still scared of X or unsure of Y?

Weight (and the food that put it there) is my shield. It's time to stop hiding.

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Pets are great.

20 Pet Owners Who Are Doing it Right

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I love Tumblr for these reasons...

It’s not “bacon,” it’s a pig.

It’s not “veal,” it’s a calf.

It’s not “steak,” it’s a cow.

It’s not “meat,” it’s an animal…

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Yup

What do you mean “servings per container”? 

If it’s all in one container, it’s one serving. 

That I will eat. 

Right now.

By myself. 

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Was gonna tell you during stretchs but didn't want to embarrass you infront of everyone but just so you know you were looking great tonight huni. :) really fit and leaner x

My amazing trainer, after tonight's class. Lots of happy :-)

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One day, one day, just one day....

Have been streeeeeeessing about food. Again. It's like Groundhog Day in my head, but with cake and biscuits. So I've been maintaining weight - a bit off and on here and there, sometimes fat and sometimes muscle, but around the same number. So, maintaining is okay isn't it? Least I'm not putting it on... Yeah but when you're trying to LOSE weight it's not the best result! So I'm sitting here trying to be brutally honest with myself. For instance... • Do I eat clean every day? • Do I eat clean most days? • Do I eat clean for at least one full day a week? • When did I last eat something less-than healthy? • Can I honestly say that I've been on my game, full-on? Erm, honestly, the results are not positive! I can put it down to stress, cos there's been a lot of that. And time, cos there's been not a lot of that. But really, it's bullshit. I've fallen back into bad habits: Binging, sporadic eating, drinking, sofa laziness, making one bad choice and then sabotaging for the rest of the day (or weekend)....it makes me so mad, I make me so mad, I actually want to cry. BUT....today I've been in control. Decent food choices, good work out and not a stupid late night. So that's a start. A start.....

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Brain stew

So I'm violently bouncing between having a meltdown and committing social suicide - and I'm actually past caring!! I'm currently sat on a packed train and am having to literally sit on my hands and pipe punk rock through my brain to stop me throwing my suitcase square at someone. Is that normal? Is everyone around me having crazy, psycho thoughts, all while innocently nose-deep in their Metro? See I've always had these crazy mind-episodes, as long as I can remember. It's what has always triggered my self sabotage - drugs, booze, anger, hitting out at people and generally being a big psycho bitch. I've a serious self doubter and my self belief is hilariously lacking. Funnily though, at the same time I'm quite a smug person - I'm better than all of you kinda shit - how does that work?! I've got interviews over the next few days. Interviews that I've worked really hard to get. And I am TERRIFIED. I can't stop my brain from thinking that I'm incapable, that I'm not up to it...hell, why would I get a job?! Arghhhhhhhhhh I actually feel like the Tasmanian fucking devil on spin cycle, after 3 days chomping down some speed... But all just in my head. It hurts. It'll pass. It always passes. I just wish I could wait it out somewhere else, away from me for a while. I don't wanna be me today. Cue Rancid, Offspring and The Melvins LOUD....!!!

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What a difference a week makes, sha la la la laaaaaa

I ran again on Sunday. Another 5k, almost an identical time to Saturday. I still really struggled but there were glimmers of hope... For one whole kilometre I didn't worry or get angry, and I overtook 2 people. I didn't enjoy it exactly, but I didn't exactly hate it. So that's progression...! Mondays training was still a head fuck but tonight something finally clicked back in place. Training was tough but the fun was back and, more importantly, the belief was back. Thank fuck. A quarter of the year left. 3 months. Still time to nail some stuff to the wall and leave it in 2013...

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ME!

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Ok so I've been having a freak out all week. I'm fat, bloated, frumpy, tired, slow, dumpy, messy, ugly.....

And I've found myself googling things like "how to lose belly fat" and "ways to lose fat" and (the worst one) "quick fix diets". I was just scoffing at the results I was finding and getting annoyed. Why wasn't there a simple answer, for god sake!

I guess I'm an impatient person sometimes!

I found this today. And the last found rings true. What's the point in doing all this if you can't enjoy the ride?

You've gotta love the journey. So that's what I'm going to try and do - embrace my body and appreciate each step.

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What I think about when I run...

This morning I was an angry runner. Really angry. I started off trying to be positive but even before we started I was thinking “that man is stood too close to me” and “if that kid thinks she’s running next to me, she’d best think again”. Perhaps a sign of the run to come…

First lap (of 3) was ok, although as always a lot of huffing and puffing. But when I looked at my watch at the end of lap 1, 11 minutes.

"ELEVEN MINUTES! That’s snails pace, that’s so slow, what are you playing at? Move faster!"

Overtaken by a fat guy, an old women, 2 kids and a dog. A bloody dog.

"They’re all faster than you. You should be so much better than you are, you supposedly train all the time but yet you still get beaten by all these people. May as well just jump in then lake hadn’t you?!"

Lap 2 must’ve been faster, maybe because I stopped looking at my watch and concentrated on keeping up with the fat dude plodding along in front of me.

"He’s hardly moving his feet but he’s still faster than me. How is that possible?!"

Lap 3 and it’s literally just about finishing. As I could’ve bailed repeatedly. It took everything in me, all my self control and motivation, not to throw myself face-first knot the gravel and cry.

"Just get a grip and keep going you silly cow."

The end in sight…

"God your shadow looks fat."

Sprint finish (sort of) and some very dramatic gasping. Yes I did it, yes I finished but bloody hell it was horrid. I was horrid.

Still awaiting official time but think it was my slowest yet. But it’s done now.

I think I just need to give myself something else to think about when I run, as I really don’t help myself.

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Bed b'10

This almost never happens but I figure go to bed when you're tired, right?! Let's see if a few early nights help.....

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T.O.U.G.H training

(I only seem to post rants on here. Sorry about that!) I'm really struggling at the moment, with training I mean. The last few weeks have almost felt like I've gone back to the beginning - I feel sluggish and incapable, and stop much sooner than normal. And I can't work it out. Am I working harder in general I'm failing later? Am I getting head fucked by my lovely bat-shit crazy brain? Am I loosing my momentum? Or am I just being a big crybaby and getting soft?! The more I think about it, the more I get stressed out (on top of all the other work-related stress) and I guess it's a vicious circle.... I hate stress. Really hate it. My sleep pattern is pretty up the wall, not that I had one anyway, and I swing violently from happy to sad to up to down. I start to convince myself of reasons to stop and hide. I'm really convincing you know! Reasons to have pizza, or not train, or to stop before the end. And then I have the internal argument which is always a joy. I won one today in the shop - don't buy pie, buy salad - and another in the gym - DONT STOP! Although now my shoulder hurts like a hurty thing so maybe that time my brain was trying to help - who knows with her, she's such a bitch sometimes.