ttcdiary

[ttcdiary]

7.12.2025

I’m not pregnant. Getting this period is so disappointing because I had a feeling this month. Idk.

I struggle with tracking things. I started tracking my LH, as recommended by a friend. It was helpful because we quickly learned I ovulate late and we had been trying at the wrong time. Then another friend announced her pregnancy but mentioned how scared she was because she had low progesterone. So I got the fancy tracker that tracks 4 hormones. From that, I’m learning that my body is doing exactly what it needs to. My estrogen is healthy, I still ovulate late, but the hormone that confirms ovulation rose accordingly. It’s comforting and frustrating to know my body is working the way God intended. Comforting knowing the possibility is there. Frustrating because we still don’t know what is taking so long.

Anyway, I struggle with tracking because I feel like it’s not fully trusting God. Can we fully trust Him and track ovulation and hormones? I like to think the answer is yes, but maybe that’s because I know I’m too weak to stop tracking. It’s so frustrating. I like tracking. I like seeing the hormones rise and drop. I like learning more about my body. But is too much knowledge a bad thing?

Lord, I want to trust you. I remember feeling left behind with getting married. I’m feeling that again and it’s sad. I pray you continue to guide my journey and remind me everyone is on a different path. Please keep me on your path. If it’s according to your will, let Your plans be enacted in my life. Amen.

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7.11.2025

One strength I have is finding joy in hardship. It’s not always in the moment, but I can usually see joyous moments in the midst of grief. For example, when I had my miscarriage, there were many moments of joy looking back. I got so much closer to Matt’s sisters; I feel like that bond grew. Matt and I both took some days off work, and I still cherish that time together. I had small, meaningful moments with women I wouldn’t have experienced if not for this hardship. Even in tears and heartbreak, I pride myself on finding joy.

Lord, thank you for blessing me with joyful sight. I’m blessed that even in hardship, you allow me to find happiness. I pray that this gift continues to be useful in this waiting period. Bring me opportunities to share this joy with others, as we know all true joy comes from you. I love and trust you. Amen.

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7.10.2025

I touched on this yesterday, and originally I thought today’s message was just a repeat. God’s using this time to help me grow, we are on His timeline, etc etc.

I feel like today’s went a little deeper, though. Yes, we are on God’s timeline, but part of accepting that is realizing that our timelines are for His purpose and to bring Him glory. Sara’s son, Isaac, was instrumental in Jesus’ timeline. I didn’t know this, but John the Baptist’s mother was infertile for decades. John had to be born at just the right time, as he was instrumental in Jesus’ timeline. Yes, we have to trust God’s plan because he has our best interest in mind, but also because his timeline is divine and getting pregnant at the right time is part of that divine plan.

There was another story about Samuel (the judge that would appoint King David), who again was instrumental in Jesus’ timeline. His mother, Hannah, fully surrendered to God and became pregnant. Originally, I interpreted this as “pray and get pregnant,” which I still believe to be true. Everything can go right, but God ultimately is the decider of when we will conceive. Hannah’s story teaches more than that, though. If “pray and get pregnant” were true, there would be less spiritual growth. God is more concerned with our hearts during our period of waiting, which goes right back to yesterday’s lesson. It truly all ties together.

Lord, I know Your timeline is divine. I know Your plan is so much greater than ours. I pray you use me to fulfill your amazing plans. Grow my heart for you, help me to be a spiritual leader and lead Matt more. I pray our timeline brings You glory and that we are able to see that glory when we look back at our journey. Amen.

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7.9.2025

Today’s devotional was short and sweet unlike this season of infertility. It was a good reminder that God uses periods of waiting for a higher purpose. It took 40 days in the Ark, 40 years of wandering in the desert, years of staying in hiding before David became king. In all of those stories, the people grew spiritually in their seasons of waiting.

It’s funny because I’ve already prayed for that, I guess. I want this time to be of growth, not just hopelessness and seemingly endless waiting for a baby.

A challenging question for me, however: will the baby at the end be the only thing of worth when all is said and done? My immediate answer was yes, duh, of course. All I want is a child. Of course that’s the goal. Now I’m really thinking about it. I would hate for baby to get here, and I look back on this time with nothing but negativity. Even thinking back to my miscarriage earlier today, I cherish that time. The excitement of seeing that positive test on our first anniversary. The joy of sharing our news with friends and family. Surprising all of Matt’s siblings on a family trip. Even during the miscarriage, seeing how caring Matt was. Hearing similar stories from other women - such a bonding experience. And after, spending those days with Matt calling out sick from work and binging GOT together. In such a devastating period of our lives, we still found joy. My only regret is relying on my husband more than God. We could’ve used it as a period to grow in faith and we didn’t, as far as I remember.

My irrational fear is that relying on God will prolong my infertility. What if God sees me growing with him and adds another few months without any luck so the growth can continue? I guess I have to rely on him to protect my thoughts so I don’t think like that. Trust His timeline. Trust HIS timeline.

Lord, I pray that this season of infertility is not wasted. I pray that even in these challenging days, I grow closer to you. When all is said and done and I’m holding my healthy baby, I pray I can look back at this season and remember joy in the heartache. I pray I see growth. Please help me to trust your holy, divine timeline. Protect me from my irrational thoughts so I can wholly trust you. Amen.

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7.8.2025

I’m scared. The closer it gets to taking a test, the more my anxiety builds. And yes, I know. Stress doesn’t help. I’m trying not to dwell. I was so confident in the beginning of this cycle, and I want nothing more than to feel that again. Already, I feel like I was closer to God and I’ve already started drifting. It reminds me of Peter on the water. The minute his faith wavered, he sunk. I feel like when my faith wavers, it drastically affects our ability to conceive.

I just rewatched that fertility prayer on TikTok and I am so happy I did. The woman says we are not trying to conceive out of sadness or grief or what have you, but rather we try to conceive as faith in action. We have faith that God will fulfill his promise to us. My prayer has always been to raise more warriors for God’s army. Yes, Matt and I are so excited to become parents. We both know, though, the biggest parent win is to raise godly children. I have to remind myself that the goal is more witnesses, more believers, not simply raising “good kids” but godly children.

Dear Lord, my prayer is not coming easy tonight. You already know my greatest hope is to get pregnant; however, I want my prayers to be more specific. Tonight, I pray for a reminder. Help me remember that I am not trying to conceive for myself, but rather for you. Faith requires action. I pray that our trying to conceive is seen as an act of faith that will bring glory to you. I hold your promises close to my heart and trust you above all else. Amen.

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7.2.2025

Today's devotional was somewhat of a letdown. It focused on the end of Sara's story and how God fulfilled a promise, but it was difficult because it's hard to think about that when you're still on the journey. The prompt is to write a letter to your future child about...actually as I'm typing this, I get it. You write about how grateful you are. Right now through the struggle, it's hard to even imagine having a child; however, I know in the future we are bound to take our gift for granted. I think it would be more beneficial to write to both of us as a reminder of how big a blessing they are, and as an act of faith.

Dear Future Child,

You will never know how grateful I am to have you. You are an answer to our prayer, our greatest joy. We have prayed for you for years, and at times, we had doubt of ever meeting you. You are our reminder of how God fulfills promises. It may not seem like it, but I pray you someday understand every decision we made was out of love for you. You are our whole world. You mean more to us than you know. I love you. -Mom

Dear Future Me,

Remember the struggle. The tears, the jealousy, the heartbreak, the prayers, worshipping through sorrow. Remember the feeling of being left behind, the feeling that everyone is getting everything you want. Remember this because it will remind you to be so grateful. Your child is a fulfilled promise from God. You and Matt struggled so much to get here. I pray you never take a moment for granted, even the hard ones. / pray your sad memories are replaced tenfold with happy ones. I pray you spoil your child while raising them to be a witness to God's grace. Remember the pain to embrace the new happy, hard memories with your biggest blessing. -JB, 29

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7.1.2025

God is funny sometimes. Matt and I have been trying to get pregnant since last November. We've had a miscarriage and learned A LOT about hormones and cycles and have grown a lot this year as we've relied on each other. I've only admitted this to my husband, but I have a feeling this is our month. I can't explain it because we didn't time everything perfect. I went away and that affects our chances of conceiving. I still just have this feeling. I've been trying to rely on God more - praying, praying, and more praying. l've seen fertility prayers on TikTok, I've been listening to songs about praising while struggling to conceive, l'm doing a mini little Bible devotional about it. I'm truly trying to give it up to God. I know His timeline is superior to ours. He wants more for us than we can imagine. In one of the Tiktok prayers, they discussed how God loves blessing couples with children. That makes total sense. Jesus said, "let the children come to me," there are entire books in the Bible dedicated to lineage, and there's the whole story of Sara and Abraham. I truly believe God gets joy making women pregnant. It's still so easy to find doubt. It's easy to question it, to get frustrated, depressed. I've been praying for God to guide my thoughts and protect me from those intruding thoughts.

Anyway, back to God's humor. I have been trying to avoid the doubtful thoughts. The "well if..""next month..." "maybe I'm wrong.." types of thoughts. I do my devotional tonight, and what does it say? Sometimes faith coexists with doubt. Sometimes faith coexists with doubt. Unreal. God truly, truly hears us. I've been so focused on avoiding doubt, and I still believe God wants us to abandon doubt and fully trust him. I also believe he understands how hard that is, and he gives us grace. This was God's way of reminding me that even people in the Bible struggled with doubt but kept relying on Him. And I can do that, too.

Lord, I know your plan is greater than I can imagine. I know your timeline does not line up with mine. I know making godly wives pregnant brings you joy. I trust you fully. I give my womb and my thoughts to you. I pray you make me fruitful and fertile. I pray my body enters the first stage of creating new life. I pray you give Matt and I the knowledge to raise a family that honors you. Protect my mind from doubt. Thank you for the reminder that we are living on answered prayers. You are so good to us. Love, J