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Why can’t anyone understand the concept? It’s a fucking insect. 

BRASSIC (3x07)

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— Can we ask you a quick question, please? — Question? — Yeah. — What am I, Tourist Information? Buy a drink, you can ask what you like.

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‘The Process’ #1

Nothing like a million day long self-isolation period to get you overthinking and questioning your purpose in life, am I right folks? Ha Ha HA. No but really, when I spend so much time in my head it’s virtually impossible for me to not pick apart every centimetre of my life. From completely irrelevant things like my hopes and dreams for the future (all included within Ttraps’ existential crisis Vol.39487, of course)  to highly important things like how my books are arranged on my shelf and which of my plants to move into the sunlight for the day. 

But then again, I guess that this is what ‘the process’ is all about. Post break-up, I’m on the journey towards loving myself more and I am committed to it. I am excited to invest in myself like never before. I am glad that since beginning this ‘thing’ a couple of months ago, I have chosen myself more than I ever have in my life and have given myself more grace than I’ve ever granted myself before. I’ve also exhausted all of the ‘self love’ playlists on Spotify and quite frankly, I have got to the stage of blaming my issues on the fact that I only knew about 3 of the lyrics to Independent Woman, Stronger and Me, Myself and I. I mean, what was my mother teaching me in my youth???

Journalling every night has been good though - 10/10 would recommend (along with bingeing You Don’t Know Me and also The Girl Before on BBC iPlayer). It’s a bit crazy, really, how the simple act of writing down your thoughts and exploring your feelings on paper can make things make more sense. It’s actually the only time I’d say that having a brain like Euston Train Station at rush hour is a positive thing - plenty of material to write about, at least.

I’ve also found Chidera Eggerue’s books which have been empowering - loads of good quotes and things to think about. There’s loads of good stuff (and some shit stuff) to read online too, but I have been loving dog-earing my self-love books for when I want / need to go back to them later on. Everything I Know About Love by Dolly Alderton was truly senSATIONAL too. I beg you, if you haven’t already, READ this book. I’ll post a picture of the page underneath that had me sobbing so you can get a feel for it but mate, it was a true joy to read. 

Anyway. I’ve been repeating this affirmation to myself today as this is where I’m at really. ‘I choose myself’ was a good one but I felt like I needed a different one for how I’ve been feeling recently so here it is: I am where I am and I’m going where I need to be. Does it make sense logically? Potentially not. Does it comfort and inspire me? I think so. Could the inspiration actually be coming from me screeching the lyrics to Independent Woman, Stronger and Me, Myself and I now that I know them fully? Potentially. Am I going to keep saying it regardless? Oooh yes.

Maybe when I write next time I’ll be free and out of isolation???? We shall see. Until then, all the cups of tea, all of the working from home and all of the reading. (All I want to do is go to a garden centre and buy a new plant to sing Beyoncé to help it grow? Is that too much to ask? Also how iCONIC that it autocorrected Queen B’s name to having an E with an acute accent??)

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The Heavenly Tenants by Ilonka Karasz (1896-1981)

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If April ends up worse I swear to God

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I don’t give a damn about my reputation [LOUD GUITAR]

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No WONDER I have back problems.. I b carrying around this BIG ass heart all mf day

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Do I have to be pretty? Is it not enough to simply be the loudest person in the room with the best opinions

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oh to be a little goose and wreak absolute havoc

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Seriously! I couldn’t agree more. EVERYONE needs pockets! Especially to help carry all those frogs, insects, rocks, bones…..

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me looking at photos other people took of me: Who is this incredibly awful person? This bridge goblin? Who let this happen

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Mazatlán, Sinaloa. México.

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When there’s too much shit you need to get done at once