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Chapter Two of posting the first few chapters for feedback!
DISCLAIMERS AND TRIGGER WARNINGS: This book deals heavily with the topics of self-harm, eating disorders, mental health, child abuse/neglect and struggling recovery. Please do not read this book if you are sensitive to any of the topics or if they would cause you do have negative thoughts! Keep yourself safe and skip this read (I won't hold it against you! :D)
This is also the first book that I have ever written so I'm sorry if you can tell but this is only the first draft. I will go back over and edit when it's all said and done but for now it'll be rough, messy, and raw so please stick around for that! Thank you and enjoy the read!
Chapter two
Lael
"You really want to eat outside?" I ask Theo as we walk over to the bench. He nods and sits down, pulling his backpack onto his lap and taking out his lunchbox. I sigh as I sit beside him and unwrap my sandwich. I take a bite of it as a strong gust of wind blows and I shiver. I glare at Theo but he's too busy munching on celery. I shake my head and take another bite, wishing that I had brought a jacket or at least had worn long sleeves today. We eat in silence for a few minutes and then my mind starts to drift to yesterday. "Hey, do you know if someone named Salis is in either of your lectures for English?" He thinks it over for a second and then nods his head. "The tall one?" he asks me. "Yup, that's the one," I affirm. "Dark, long hair. Round glasses-" "Alright, alright. No need for details. There's no one else with that name even at our school- as far as I know- so I had a feeling I already knew who you were talking about. But yeah, he's very smart. We did group presentations for E back in September and the professor said that his group excelled. Something about knowing exactly what he was looking for. I wished that he was in my group, but instead I was just surrounded by slackers." He closed his eyes, furrowing his eyebrows as clenched his fist, obviously annoyed. I nod my head thoughtfully. "I see..." "Why do you ask?" "He almost got hit by a car yesterday." I say as I shove the rest of my sandwich into my mouth. "He what!?" Theo cried, almost choking on his juice. I nod at him licking my fingers. "But it's okay because I stopped him just in time," I respond proudly. He nods his head slowly. "Right..." he responds. "I was just kidding but why did you sound like it was so unbelievable? Do you really not have any faith in me?" I inquire as he stands up and brushes his pants off. He shrugs and then checks his watch. "Well, I have a class in a bit." He starts walking and I jump up, stepping into stride beside him. "You can't just shrug! Man, why would you do this to me? You know that this is going to bug me so bad." He just shrugs again and I groan.
I get into my car and toss my backpack in the passenger seat. I pull my phone from my pocket and look at the time. It’s still pretty early and Theo said he didn’t need a ride today but I didn’t want to go home just yet. Running a hand through my hair, I tried to think of somewhere to go or any errands that I had to run but noting came to mind. I wished that I had asked for Salis’s number and made a mental note to when I saw him next. Leaning forward, I placed my head on my steering wheel and just looked at my feet. Lately everything just seemed to be mixing into one big blur and sometimes I couldn’t even keep up with what day it was. After a bit of back and forth I decided that I would just drive downtown and walk around. It was a pain to find a parking spot but when I finally did, I hopped out and made my way down the sidewalk, looking around at all of the stores. As I was about to walk into the shop closest to me another one caught my eye. I crossed the street and walked into the pet shop, looking around at all of the hamsters, guinea pigs and birds. I took a step but underfoot a black and white blur scurried past me. I jumped, thinking it was an above average-sized rat but as an old man picked up the furry ball, I could see that it had whiskers and ears too big for it’s head. Strolling over to him, I smiled and then reached out my hand for the small kitten to sniff. It did, also reaching out it’s paws, batting at me. I laughed and the man did as well. “She’s a beauty, isn’t she?” I nodded my head and he held her out to me. I hesitated at first but then grabbed her gently, the feline wrapping her paws around my finger and gnawing playfully. Even though she wasn’t biting at full force I could tell that those teeth were sharp and not something to underestimate. “She’s been here for about six months now. I’ve been trying to see if anyone would want to give her a home,” he continued. “So far, I haven’t had any luck. I even offered to throw in all of the things that she’d need, pet food, litter, the box, for free but nothing.” His eyes twinkled at me and I had a sneaky suspicion. “Would you perhaps… be interested in a cat?” I shook my head and opened my mouth to refuse but he said, “She grew up in a family around a lot of dogs but recently the owner got sick and could no longer take care of them so she had to give them away. I’m worried that this place isn’t good for the cat. She’s far too lonely here.” I pursed my lips. Honestly, I had no problem with taking a cat home but my only thing was that I had never had a pet before. My whole childhood my mother was very adamant about me and my sisters not bringing in any strays or keeping a pet because it was such a big responsibility.
I had never thought that I would even get a pet but I guess that me coming in here was my subconscious telling me that I was lonely. And who was I to deny fate?
Lugging all of her things into the house, I set the kitten down on the foyer as she chewed and pawed at the crate trying to get out. Putting my hands on my hips, I surveyed the mess of cat supplies shaking my head slowly. “Man, was he persuasive,” I mumbled to myself as I crouched down and grabbed the litter box, filling it with fresh littler and sliding it away from the door. The last thing that I wanted was to accidentally step into this while rushing out of the door one morning. I shiver at the thought and turn around when I hear footsteps behind me. “How was clas-” My sister stops short, looking from the kitten, who was now mewing fervently, to me and then back again. “What’s this?” She pointed to the crate and raised an eyebrow. I looked away from her. “A cat.” She ran over to me and grabbed my arm pulling it behind my back. “I know that it’s a cat, dammit! Don’t be a smart ass!” I yelped as I tried to get her to let go of me. “Ow! Ouch! Okay, okay! I’m sorry! The store clerk told me that she was super lonely by herself so I just had to get her! Just look at how cute she is!” I finally squirmed from her grasp as she put a hand on her chin, rubbing it. “Yeah, she is pretty cute. Nice shiny coat too. Why was she there? They don’t usually have any cats or dogs at the shelters nearby. Just small rodents.” “A lady got sick.” Millie nodded as if me saying that explained everything and she needed no further explanation. “What’s her name?” she asked me. “Uhhh…” I had forgotten to ask. “I don’t think she has one.”
Millie squatted down and unlocked the cage, scooping up the kitten. Leaning close to her face she narrowed her eyes and whispered to the cat, “What are you called?” I rolled my eyes and walked past her placing the cat bowl down in the kitchen and filling it with food and water. “I think I’m going to call her ‘Dog’,” I told her as I walked back over. She shot me a look and raised an eyebrow. “Seriously?” “I’m serious,” I nodded. She shook her head. “No way. She looks like a Mitzi.” “Well, too bad. She’s my cat, so I get to name her.” “Yeah, yeah, okay.” She placed the little kitten delicately back onto the ground and Dog bounded over to me–or rather the food–and started chowing right down. I smiled and sat down beside her as she purred and quickly gobbled down her food.
Salis
I looked up at the ceiling and licked my dry lips. Running a finger back and forth over them, feeling the cracked skin. I knew how weird it was but I had always thought the texture was interesting. Gradually, I sat up and the sharp pain that ran through me told me that I was pushing my limits. It had already been a day and a half since I had last eaten anything and I knew I wouldn’t last much longer. This pain wasn’t a feeling that I enjoyed but it was a necessary evil. Something that I needed to endure so I could hear her say those three words again. It had been so long. I inched my way to the kitchen, slowly, one step after the other, something just above a crawl and as I flicked on the bright florescent light, I hissed, shielding my eyes. I blinked quickly, trying to adjust as I pushed my glasses up higher on the bridge of my nose. I tiptoed to the fridge and when I opened it, I browsed between my options.
I could either have cucumber slices, lettuce or a few spoonful of yogurt. And if I was feeling frisky, I could throw in half of a banana. I scratched my head, my throat feeling like it was going to close at even thought of swallowing something solid and it took everything in me not to just run back into my bed and hide under the covers. I took out the iceberg lettuce and placed it on the counter, trying my best to think about other things as I ripped off a piece and chewed it. It was my best option and—if I tried hard enough—I could trick myself into even thinking that I was eating chips. ...Really juicy chips.
I swallowed begrudgingly and took another bite, looking around the room, trying to distract myself. If I wasn’t careful I would get too deep in my head and start gagging, my body refusing to eat any more. To eat at all. I walked out of the kitchen, lettuce still in hand as I nibbled and paced back and forth in the living room. I looked desperately for something to distract myself and my eyes landed on a teal cover in my bookcase. I lunged for it, and opened to the first chapter, rereading what I already knew, but it was just as glamorous as the first time. I shoved the rest of the lettuce into my mouth, no longer able to feel my throat contracting. I smiled, recalling the first time I had ever read the Percy Jackson books in middle school. I was in sixth grade, an IB school, and in my English class my teacher Mrs. Lovell had assigned the first book to us as a read aloud. At first, I was disinterested. What should I care about a boy who has an annoying girl in his class and he finds some pen? Big freaking deal. Boy, was I wrong. After we read past chapter three, it was like something just clicked in my head and I needed to know how the story continued. So I took my copy home with me and I read it all in one day. I had stayed up the whole night and my mother found me in my room under the covers with a flashlight and she yelled at me to go to sleep but I just didn’t care. I waited until I knew that she was asleep and I snuck into the bathroom and closed the door and I just read and read. Before I knew it, it was morning and I heard my mother leaving for work just as I was finishing the last few chapters. That day in my classes I struggled to stay awake but it was totally worth it. I laughed, thinking back to that day but just as the funny memories came I was also flooded with the bad ones. I frowned, thinking back to middle school. How I had been bullied so badly that my mother transferred me to a different school the year after and, slowly but surely, my grades started slipping. I was no longer in advanced classes anymore but I was barely even keeping up with my peers. Closing the book, I stood up and inspected my hands which were no longer shaky. I gave a small nod and went to the kitchen to clean up the mess that I had made. After I finished, I hopped back into bed, pulling my pillow close to my chest and my blanket over my head. I sighed deeply, drawing all of the breath from my lungs, doing it until my chest burned and I black spots danced around my vision. I shut my eyes tightly and for a second I started to wish that maybe there was someone here to give me a hug. Or even just to talk to. I miss my mom.
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Posting the first few chapters so I can get some constructive criticism on it! Feel free to be super honest and brutal (but not too much please <3)
Salis is a college student who's life is far from easy. He has to juggle classes during the day and a tasking customer service job at nights. He is dreading turning twenty due to a promise he made to himself a few years prior but when he meets a boy named Lael, he starts to realize that maybe there are little lights in the darkness. Can Lael help him break this promise or will he have to follow through with his word?
DISCLAIMERS AND TRIGGER WARNINGS: This book deals heavily with the topics of self-harm, eating disorders, mental health, child abuse/neglect and struggling recovery. Please do not read this book if you are sensitive to any of the topics or if they would cause you do have negative thoughts! Keep yourself safe and skip this read (I won't hold it against you! :D)
This is also the first book that I have ever written so I'm sorry if you can tell but this is only the first draft. I will go back over and edit when it's all said and done but for now it'll be rough, messy, and raw so please stick around for that! Thank you and enjoy the read!
Chapter One
Salis
I sit in the back of the lecture room, leaning forward slightly trying to see the board better. This always happens. I end up sitting in the back and then I have trouble seeing but when I come in there's always already so many people sitting in the rows from the front to the middle and I don't want to sit directly beside anyone else. I look down at my notebook and scribble a little cat on the corner of the top corner of the open page. I haven't gotten any useful notes since I started this class and I was starting to think that it was a waste. We had already been taking classes for over two months now and it's just been such a chore even getting out of bed. I glance over at the clock and seeing that there was only three minutes left I shut my notebook and just stared into the front of the room, dazing out. My head was killing me and I didn't want to go to work after having to get up so early but my manager put me on more shifts. I was kind of grateful because I did need the money but working customer service definitely isn't for the weak. When I noticed everyone else getting up from their seats, I realized that the class was over and I gathered up my things and made my way out of the class. I slowly slumped down the hall, clutching my shoulder straps tightly in my hands. There were people walking around campus but not as much as there would have been if I had a midday class. Hearing all of the people chattering and laughing, having conversations with their friends I squinted my eyes and kept walking, not wanting to acknowledge how jealous I was of them. I picked up my pace and made my way through the winding corridors and towards the exit doors leading to the parking lot. I pushed the heavy doors open and to my surprise, I bumped into something hard. "Oh..!" I stumbled back, falling to the floor. Rubbing my shoulder, I looked up and saw a guy, maybe a little shorter than me, looking shocked, still holding the door open. "Oh crap! Are you okay?" He extended his hand to me but I shook my head, getting up on my own. I knew I was too heavy for him to help me up. I stood and brushed off the back of my legs, hoping the floors weren't too dirty but I knew well enough. "Yes, I'm fine," I told him as he took a step closer to me and I averted my gaze, not wanting to meet his eyes. "You have classes in the E-building?" he asked me
“Yes,” I tell him as I nod my head. “I take English Comp 1.” He shivers. “Yeesh. My friend Theo is in that class and he told me that it’s pretty hard.” I shrug my shoulders. “I suppose it can be a bit taxing but for the most part it’s just writing essays and peer revision. Not much else besides maybe talking about the occasional book if the prof doesn’t feel up to a lecture.” “Well, I’m definitely not an English person so that kind of thing sound pretty hard to me. I don’t know how someone can just write an essay or a paper or whatever and make it long enough to get a decent grade without using a bunch of filler words.” I chuckle and reply, “Yeah, it definitely does take a bit of practice.” “You can say that again. I’m Lael, by the way.” He pointed a finger to his chest and smiled at me. “Salis.” He repeats my name over and over, testing the word out in his mouth and for some reason I started to feel embarrassed. "Salis. Saliiiiiis. Salis. What an interesting name. I've never met anyone named that before. I mean, I've heard of Silas but never Salis. It's nice." "Thank you," I tell him as I gave a small smile. "Yes, I guess you could say that my mother likes interesting things. And you said that you're name is Lay-el?" He laughs quietly. "Yes, Lael. L-A-E-L. It means 'of God' or 'belonging to God'. My dad is a priest." "Well, I've never heard of that name either, but I think it's cool as well," I tell him and he grins widely. "Thank you," he responds and suddenly I remember what time it is. "Oh, um, I should probably go now. I have to get home." He gives me with a surprised look. "Oh, you don't live in the dorms either?" I shake my head. “Alright, well, I’ll see you later. Sorry again about… what happened at the door.” I wave my hands to stop him. “It’s totally fine. Nothing to worry about. Good bye.” We wave and then I continue my journey out of the building, a little more pep in my step than before. I hadn’t realized how long it had been since I’d had a genuine conversation with someone my age. Lately the only person that I had really talked to was my manager and when I did talk to him it was just the usual;
“How are you today?” “I’m fine and you?” “I’m good too, thanks for asking.” “Okay well, someone over there ordered a burger fifteen minutes ago make sure to get that out.” “Yes sir, I’ll get right on that.”
I sighed as I turned the corner and walked through the back doors of the restaurant and into the employee bathroom, setting my bag on the counter next to the sink after I locked the door. I pulled out my uniform and turned away from the mirror, stripping and pulling on my pants and shirt as quickly as possible. It was much faster to do it this way than going all the way home just to change my clothes and then coming all the way back. I leaned down to tie the laces on my fingers and I noticed that my hands were shaking again. I balled up my fists tightly frustrated and took a deep breath through my nose. With great effort, I managed to tie my shoes and before leaving the bathroom I splashed water on my face. I was tempted to look into the mirror, my face only inches from it now as I leaned over the sink, but I knew what would be looking back at me. Dark circles under my narrow eyes. Discolored pale skin. Too-long hair that had my face. Crooked teeth. Big ears. The more ugly attributes that filled my head, the more I wanted to just be back at home. Swallowed up by the darkness, sitting under my desk. Where no one could see me. Where I was so well hidden, sometimes even I forgot where I was. A forceful knock on the door jolted me out of my thoughts. “Is that you in there, Salis?” Without opening the door, I knew it was Simon. I rushed, gathering my things and stuffing my clothes that I had changed out of into my bookbag. “Yes. I- I’m almost done.” I told him. I grabbed a paper towel and wiped my face off roughly, trying my best to dry off the water. “Well, just know that other people besides you need to use the bathroom too. Some of us have been here since this morning and have actual real work to do,” he scoffed. He had said it quietly but I still heard him. I knew he had meant for me to hear him. He was against our boss hiring college part-timers but for some reason I had been allowed to work here. I was so grateful since this was the only place close enough to both my school and my apartment that I could get to in time by walking and they were also very understanding about my schedule and how I couldn’t work mornings because of my classes. I opened the bathroom door and put my bookbag into my locker. I turned the combination lock twice after I was done and tugged on it again just to make sure that it was locked. Sighing, I tied my apron around my waist and slid my pen into my pocket as I set out the door and into the dining area to clock in.
Wiping the beaded sweat above my brows, I looked at back into the kitchen. I just had to wait for the dishwasher to finish up and then we would be able to go home. When I first started this job I had been slightly annoyed that we all had to wait for the last person to be done cleaning up before we were allowed to leave but now I had grown used to it. I slipped into a booth and laid my head on the table lazily. It was already almost one and I needed to work on my essay when I got home. Something about if climate change was real or not? I couldn’t remember but I would just look later. A hand slammed on the table beside my face, making me jump. I looked up to see Simon and a girl—whose name I couldn’t quite remember—that I had exchanged brief ‘hello’s with a few times before sat down in the booth across from me. “What are you still doing here?” I asked Simon as I sat up and glanced at the both of them. Simon opened his mouth to respond but the girl answered instead. “He had to cover Dave’s shift who called out sick thirty minutes before he was supposed to be here.” She was chewing gum that stuck between her pearly teeth as she flashed me a smile. She looked young, no older than twenty-three. “But Dave always does that,” she continued. “I bet he was probably out drinking last night and is just hungover again.” Simon rolled his eyes at her and scooted further away from her so his legs were sticking out into the aisle. I wondered how long they had worked here together since they looked pretty close.
A sudden wave of nausea hit me and I just nodded my head not wanting to say anything else. Today had felt like it had dragged on for so long and I just wanted to hurry up and get home. Simon and the girl started bickering back and forth about something but I wasn’t interested. I just counting to sixty over and over in my head, seeing how many times it would take. Finally, my manager emerged from the kitchen and told us that everyone was all done and that we could go home. I breathed a sigh of relief that I wasn’t even aware that I had been holding in and got up making my way to the break room with everyone else. We got our things from our lockers then walked out of the back door, them heading to their cars and me starting the slow walk to my apartment. As I walked I couldn’t help but reach a hand up as I fussed over my hair, feeling ashamed with how long I had let it get but I knew cutting it was out of the question. My head throbbed as I made my way up the stairs to my apartment. As I pushed the key into the door and walked inside it was like a weight lifted off of my shoulders. The only place where I didn’t need pretend. Where I could be unabashedly myself without having to worry about what other people thought of me. Because behind these closed doors there was no one watching my every move. I slid down the back of the door and buried my head in my knees, hugging myself tightly. The only problem with being home was that the gnawing feeling inside of me was just too loud. Too present. In this quiet apartment it was hard to drown out the noises from my own body. I stayed still like that for a long time or at least for what felt like one. I leaned over, lying down on the floor, grateful that I had nothing to do tomorrow. That I could just stay in the darkness with the curtains drawn, not having to worry about saying or doing something weird like I always do, without fail.
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