tuxedokit-thoughts

[tuxedokit-thoughts]

what a beautiful day to burn everything to the ground

[tuxedokit-thoughts]

just end it already.

i know you dont love me anymore. i know you want to, i do too, so badly do i want this to work. but you went silent. i haven heard from you since before our friend ghosted me.

what did you even say? that made this situation seem so bad that i had earned silence and emptiness too.

i was simply on the sidlelines, trying to mediate. is it because my middlemanning tore it all down? do you hold it against me? you can tell me that. i wont hold it against you... i feel the same way.

you know i cant make this easy. not for you, not for me, not for anyone. i love you. agape. its tearing me apart. is this loyalty returned? i had thought so, for a while. now?

i dont know

you made me feel so loved. like the first fresh warm breeze of spring. like a flower, thought withered and dead, given a second chance to bud, to bloom.

my petals are falling again. one, by one, by one.

i feel almost barren now.

i cant imagine you dont know.

is this my punishment? for loving too much, too many, too unconditionally?

i dont know what you want from me. if its distance, ill give you space. if you need me to push i need you to tell me or i never will.

even if my heart is telling me ive lost you; ill wait at your door until you tell me to leave

so please.

just tell me to go.

[tuxedokit-thoughts]

i want to kill myself

im not going to, but mom says i should write my feelings out. says itll help me feel better

and. i mean. i know its worked before. i have this whole thing to prove it

see even just tryping that much helped a little. at least enough that ny urges are back in the harm territory and not in yhe kill territory. which isnt great. but. yknow. ill take what i can get? i guess?

i dont know anymore. it feels like theres this gaping hole in my chest, and everything i have and everything i am is just pouring and pouring and pouring out of it until there is nothing. i dont want to be nothing.

but maybe it would be easier than this

i hardly got out of bed today. i didnt get dressed, i only ate because my brother was so gracious as to bring me a bowl of canned chicken noodle soup. he put a little rosemary in it, "to make it fancy," he said. it wasnt perfection, but it was the best goddamn soup i had ever tasted in that moment. he used the last clean bowl for it. its his favourite too, a kirby themed ramen bowl with holes for chopsticks and everything.

chicken noodle isnt even my favourite soup. fi think its just. how loved i felt? when he carried that bowl into our cramped little room from our cramped little living room.

i was standing like. an hour ago? and he asked me to try to clean a bowl for him. (he does all the household chores, save for dishes. we both hate them, but i can barely do shit else, so one really shitty chore is better than a mountain of decent ones)

i took one look at our sink, so full of dirty shit you can hardly see the faucet, and i tyrned around and let myself fall limp, face first on my bed.

i put the blanket over my feet, so that if he came in he wouldnt have to see them (even the thought of feet disgusts him, i think)

he did come in, but i dont think he realized how hard it had been for me to even do that. i think all he saw was a whiny, ungrateful, pathetic mound of flesh under a blanket. someone so useless it couldnt even clean a single bowl for him without falling apart.

i heard him clean his own bowl. i have never felt so guilty for doing absolutely fucking nothing.

he already puts up with so much shit from me. im a drug addicted, mentally unstable, sorry excuse for a person.im trying, god im trying so fucking hard, but every day is harder than the last, it seems.

still. he deserves better than this.i dont know why he bothers.

... i keep finding myself scratching my cat scratches from earlier today. it stings. i feel like i deserve it.

i know thats not true. but honestly? scratching at my hand and wrist is better than actually doing something, right? its just a sting on fresh skin. no blood, no fresh wounds. just the pain thats already there. just poking at my bruises so i feel something other than this crushing despair

god. i cant believe i said that. i mean thats a totally normal thing to say in a crisis. ive just soiled my mind with references and medias and now i cant be normal about anything haha

anyway

uh

yeah.

...

i still hate myself. but. i guess this helped me stop crying as much? i dont know. i dont know anything anymore

thats not true

i know my wrist hurts. like a cat scratch, it stings on the back, mostly because thats what it was, at first. from where both my cats claws and my own found themselves digging into my skin, i can feel a bump when i glide my finger over it. and every time the pain gets too dull, too quiet, i let my nail return to its little groove and pull, just for a moment.

i know my heart hurts. like i have been carved open, my contents unceremoniously dumped on the floor. my blood spills out on the floor over my organs and my thoughts, and as i try to clean it up the lead in my veins says stop. and so i lay there, on the ground, next to the contents of the person i have become. it is all blackened by tar and resin.

i know that every breath i have taken today has felt like a chore. like slogging out of bed at 5:45 in the morning to get ready for school, knowing i wont learn shit because all my energy will be focused on holding myself together, or at least keeping myself from shattering altogether. ill just slog through another page of the textbook, wondering why i bothered when i couldve just stayed home.

i know i am loved. even if i dont feel it. even if i dont deserve it.

i know i never had a choice in any of this

...

i know that. for now. ill keep dragging myself out of bed. keep breathing. scratch my wrist so i dont cut it.

and maybe tomorrow ill apologize to everyone whos had to put up with me

{16/11/2023}

[tuxedokit-thoughts]

Find Someone

find someone that sees every part of you, sees the places that are rotten and hurting, and says i love all of you, i love the parts of you that you think are rotten, because that rot feeds the soil that grows the beauty of You.

find someone that sees that empty cavity of decay in your chest and doesnt see something lost or broken, but plants mushrooms in that cavity, plants hope for something new

find someone that sees you hunched over and horrid, a beast of pain and loathing, and cups your face and sees beauty in it because even if some might think you unsightly underneath all that hurt it is You and that is what matters to them

find someone who looks into the hurricane of your heart, sees the destruction and power it wields, the pain it can cause, and does not run. find someone who holds you so tight, stares into the face of the tornado and walks into the eye of the storm because they love you

find someone that sees you at your lowest, and looks you in the eyes and says youre beautiful, and the only way to go from here is up, and i want to hold your hand for every step of it.

and when you do?

cherish them.

[tuxedokit-thoughts]

i wish to carve my heart out with a knife, perhaps just to stare at it.

maybe if it is out of its cage, fully exposed, i can find where its been wounded, bleeding out all this time.

maybe, though all the blood and emptiness, i can find out how to heal

[tuxedokit-thoughts]

Black Lives Matter

ACAB

if you disagree, do me a favour and block me please

what's been going on is absolutely sickening

I've been active on nearly all my social medias, even to the point where my dad gave me shit for posting on instagram

I wish I had the courage, the emotional strength, to have argued with him. I wish I couldve done something without forcing myself into a panic attack. but i know my limits, and I've been doing what i can without burning myself out.

I don't know if its enough though.

I hope it is

I also dont know if I've been caring for myself enough, because no matter what I do, every new addition to the story just weighs me down more

I cant imagine how this must feel for the people who are actually affected by it. if it's this weighing on me, a white kid, it must be so much worse for the people whose lives are constantly in danger, just because the colour of their skin

fuck cops

this blog wasnt made to make a platform, this was literally just a place for my to barf out any overwhelming thoughts and feelings, but the worldwide issue of police brutality is far more important than keeping a theme or anything like that

if you're not black and you see this, please dont stay silent. our black siblings need our support now more than ever. we need to help them fight back, in any way we can

if you're black and you see this, you have my full support. I may not have much to give, but i will do anything i can to support you

I have no flourishy ending for this. that's all I really have to say

donate to relief funds, bail funds. go to protests if you can. sign petitions. contact governments. uplift black voices. dont just stay quiet. please.

and if you do go to a protest, for the love of everything good in the world, please stay safe

[tuxedokit-thoughts]

this just in: REDACTED still cares so much! I love my friends

Remember My Old Friends

i havent let myself be mad at them

ive acknowledged that they were shitty, because lets face it, they were. why do i keep wanting to defend them? to make excuses for them? yhey were in the wrong!!! why was that so hard for me to write??? they hurt me! they left me behind!!! they LIED to me!!! i TRUSTED them, they ABANDONED ME. IM ALLOWED TO BE HURT

IM ALLOWED TO BE MAD

HELL IM ALLOWED TO BE FUCKING PISSED

FUCK THEM

FUCK THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT THEY DONT DESERVE IT

NIT AFTER WHAT THEY DID

FUCK YOU GUYS

FUCK YOU REDACTED

YOU NEVER INVITED ME TO YOUR YEARS END PARTIES, YOU MADE ME FEEL STUPID ABOUT BEING EXCITED ABOUT A VENDING MACHINE AND ABOUT BASICALLY ANYTHING THAT MADE ME UNREASONABLY GIDDY

FUCK YOU GUYS

YOU ALWAYS CLAIMED TO BE BUSY WITH SCHOOLWORK, TOO BUSY TO HANG IUT, BUT I ALWAYS SAW YOU TOGETHER ON INSTAGRAM

YOU NEVER INVITED ME

YOU COULDVE AT LEAST BEEN HONEST WITH ME

TOLD ME YOU DIDNT WANT TO HANG OUT

INSTEAD OF PLATONICALLY LEADING ME ON FOR THE LAST HALF OF HIGH SCHOOL

AND LEAVING ME FUCKED UP

I CANT BEING MYSELF TO BELIEVE PEOPLE ACTUALLY WANT TO HANG IUT WITH ME NOW, AND NOT OUT OF PITY. BECAUSE YOU NEVER WANTED TO, BUT YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME YOU DID. YOU TRICKED ME, AND NOW IM TOO FUCKED UP TO LET MYSELF JUST BE HAPPY

FUCK YOU REDACTED

FUCK YOU THE MOST

IM SO FUCKING MAD

YOUR BETRAYAL HURT THE MOST

BECAUSE YOU DID CARE. ONCE.

YOU CARED AND YOU KNEW ME AND YOU KNEW

AND WHEN YOU FOUND BETTER PEOPLE…

you left me

you were there for me for so long, and then suddenly you werent

and i know it wasnt sudden

but i never noticed until it was too late

…

you SAW me falling apart

you NEVER TRIED to save me

i know what it was like to be your best friend… and i refused to let you go, because you were all i had.

but you let me go.

you were all i had.

you found another best friend

…

the least you couldve done for me is told me.

you couldve let me know you found other, better people. you couldve told me when you were done eith me

but you didnt

i want to say i hate you, i fucking hate you so fucking much

but i know i could never do that

i could never hate you, no matter how much it stung to find out you didnt care about me anymore

i think thats one of the worst parts

that i cant hate you

…

i cant hate any of you, really

but i need to force myself to stop loving you all

because ever since grade 11

all that loving you has done for me is hurt

it hurt and it bruised and it stung and it cut me so deep it cut through bone. and i thought i was okay, because if i wasnt okay i was falling apart and if i wasnt okay it meant i was alone and if i was alone that meant you actually didnt care and i couldnt let myself believe that

i couldnt let myself believe that you really didnt care anymore

theres so much weve been through together

…

i wonder how much of it you remember?

…

and i HATE that this is all i can think about

because deep down

i KNOW

that you DONT care

and that means

you havent thought of this at all

how you hurt me hasnt even crossed your mind i bet

…

fuck you

fuck you all, you fucking pricks

i hate you

…

i dont hate you.

and i cant not love you. not yet.

but maybe someday ill get over you

…

you assholes

[tuxedokit-thoughts]

Remember My Old Friends

i havent let myself be mad at them

ive acknowledged that they were shitty, because lets face it, they were. why do i keep wanting to defend them? to make excuses for them? yhey were in the wrong!!! why was that so hard for me to write??? they hurt me! they left me behind!!! they LIED to me!!! i TRUSTED them, they ABANDONED ME. IM ALLOWED TO BE HURT

IM ALLOWED TO BE MAD

HELL IM ALLOWED TO BE FUCKING PISSED

FUCK THEM

FUCK THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT THEY DONT DESERVE IT

NIT AFTER WHAT THEY DID

FUCK YOU GUYS

FUCK YOU REDACTED

YOU NEVER INVITED ME TO YOUR YEARS END PARTIES, YOU MADE ME FEEL STUPID ABOUT BEING EXCITED ABOUT A VENDING MACHINE AND ABOUT BASICALLY ANYTHING THAT MADE ME UNREASONABLY GIDDY

FUCK YOU GUYS

YOU ALWAYS CLAIMED TO BE BUSY WITH SCHOOLWORK, TOO BUSY TO HANG IUT, BUT I ALWAYS SAW YOU TOGETHER ON INSTAGRAM

YOU NEVER INVITED ME

YOU COULDVE AT LEAST BEEN HONEST WITH ME

TOLD ME YOU DIDNT WANT TO HANG OUT

INSTEAD OF PLATONICALLY LEADING ME ON FOR THE LAST HALF OF HIGH SCHOOL

AND LEAVING ME FUCKED UP

I CANT BEING MYSELF TO BELIEVE PEOPLE ACTUALLY WANT TO HANG IUT WITH ME NOW, AND NOT OUT OF PITY. BECAUSE YOU NEVER WANTED TO, BUT YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME YOU DID. YOU TRICKED ME, AND NOW IM TOO FUCKED UP TO LET MYSELF JUST BE HAPPY

FUCK YOU REDACTED

FUCK YOU THE MOST

IM SO FUCKING MAD

YOUR BETRAYAL HURT THE MOST

BECAUSE YOU DID CARE. ONCE.

YOU CARED AND YOU KNEW ME AND YOU KNEW

AND WHEN YOU FOUND BETTER PEOPLE...

you left me

you were there for me for so long, and then suddenly you werent

and i know it wasnt sudden

but i never noticed until it was too late

...

you SAW me falling apart

you NEVER TRIED to save me

i know what it was like to be your best friend... and i refused to let you go, because you were all i had.

but you let me go.

you were all i had.

you found another best friend

...

the least you couldve done for me is told me.

you couldve let me know you found other, better people. you couldve told me when you were done eith me

but you didnt

i want to say i hate you, i fucking hate you so fucking much

but i know i could never do that

i could never hate you, no matter how much it stung to find out you didnt care about me anymore

i think thats one of the worst parts

that i cant hate you

...

i cant hate any of you, really

but i need to force myself to stop loving you all

because ever since grade 11

all that loving you has done for me is hurt

it hurt and it bruised and it stung and it cut me so deep it cut through bone. and i thought i was okay, because if i wasnt okay i was falling apart and if i wasnt okay it meant i was alone and if i was alone that meant you actually didnt care and i couldnt let myself believe that

i couldnt let myself believe that you really didnt care anymore

theres so much weve been through together

...

i wonder how much of it you remember?

...

and i HATE that this is all i can think about

because deep down

i KNOW

that you DONT care

and that means

you havent thought of this at all

how you hurt me hasnt even crossed your mind i bet

...

fuck you

fuck you all, you fucking pricks

i hate you

...

i dont hate you.

and i cant not love you. not yet.

but maybe someday ill get over you

...

you assholes

[tuxedokit-thoughts]

Redraw of smth from grade 11 owowowo

(2nd is transparent!!!)

[tuxedokit-thoughts]

they never really cared about me did they

[tuxedokit-thoughts]

i thought i was doing better

today im falling apart again

i know recovery is not a straight line, but...

...

i hate how not-okay i am

[tuxedokit-thoughts]

the cat shows up

he was closest with them

he spends most nights in our room right next to them

...

i realize he doesnt know yet

doesnt know that theyre not coming back

except i think he might be catching on

now that its 12:09 and theres no sign of them

...

were in the same boat, he and i

we both cant imagine living without them right by our sides

and yet here we are

...

i pet the cat

maybe im not all alone after all

Moving On

my twin, whom ive spent my whole life with, moved out today

my eyes sting, tears threatening to spill over the edges

none have escaped so far.

but now im laying in my bed, all alone, for the first time in years

and now its all so painfully real

theyre gone

out there, living their life to the fullest.

and im still here, in our shared bunk bed, laying in their bunk as i always do

the space between the wall and myself feels too empty.

the only thing keeping my cheeks dry is the fan blowing on my face

its dries all the tears before they can escape

but it only enhances the sting of their threat

and the sting of dry eyes

theres nothing to be sad about, i tell myself

ill be seeing them tomorrow morning regardless

theyre going to be helping me gather my things

...

im moving into my univeristy dorm tomorrow

my last night at home, in my bed, is tonight

and im all alone

[tuxedokit-thoughts]

Moving On

my twin, whom ive spent my whole life with, moved out today

my eyes sting, tears threatening to spill over the edges

none have escaped so far.

but now im laying in my bed, all alone, for the first time in years

and now its all so painfully real

theyre gone

out there, living their life to the fullest.

and im still here, in our shared bunk bed, laying in their bunk as i always do

the space between the wall and myself feels too empty.

the only thing keeping my cheeks dry is the fan blowing on my face

its dries all the tears before they can escape

but it only enhances the sting of their threat

and the sting of dry eyes

theres nothing to be sad about, i tell myself

ill be seeing them tomorrow morning regardless

theyre going to be helping me gather my things

...

im moving into my univeristy dorm tomorrow

my last night at home, in my bed, is tonight

and im all alone

[tuxedokit-thoughts]

Slfjdkdbsk someone throw me out a window my sinuses are clogged and i feel like garbage

[tuxedokit-thoughts]

Sleepless Nights

(ft. Solykl Totije, who belongs to me, and Virdia Durgis, who belongs to @ramen-noodles-and-shitty-doodles)

{Please dont repost without permission}

[tuxedokit-thoughts]

Its 10:03am, I'm supposed to be in physics rn but i absolutely cant focus

I feel like,, idk, like im in a dream? But i know im awake. Im currently walking in circles just outside my class bc i feel like if i dont move ill either pass out or explode. I tried to pay attention, but im not absorbing any information whatsoever, no matter what i do. Its like tossing and turning in bed all night, and then you look up and the sun is rising. Youve spent all night trying to sleep, and youre exhausted, and you would give anything just to close your eyes and rwst, but nothing you give will mean anything.

Any attempts to focus are fruitless; its like my mind is shrouded in a thick haze of zleepy fog. Like im nearing the end of a dream, my eyes are heavy, my body feels weirdly light and foreign, i cant process anythinh and no matter what i do i cant snap out of it. I pause my pacing to stretch out my calves, the sharp sensation of my muscles pulling apart snaps my lower half out of the haze. But i c an t stretch like that forever. I resume my pacing

I stretch out one arm as i follow my oval path, swinging it back and forth at my side in the hopes of breaking out of the haze, but to no avail. I stretch and twist and squirm and shift, nothinbg is helping

I dont know what to do. I cant escape

Its has only been 10 minutes.

It feels like 10 hours

Welcome to my own personal hell

[tuxedokit-thoughts]

Society is super messed up.

Discrimination is way too common in our society:

Racism

Sexism

Classism

Homophobia

Transphobia

Body Shaming

Ableism

The list goes on

People are mistreated because of who they are—something they can't change.

Actually, from what I’ve noticed, it's a lot like the social environments of schools portrayed in the media. Y’know;

There's this specific set of qualities that one must have to be deemed “normal”. The bullies target anyone who doesn't fit in; for some reason, that’s perceived as just a minor, inevitable inconvenience, like traffic jams or bad weather.

Bigotry is born of ignorance; it’s been woven into the foundations of our society. However, what we don’t realize is that eliminating it is, theoretically, possible.

We can educate people; if people attack what they don’t necessarily know or understand, we can help them understand. We can change society; if hate is within its foundations, we can replace those foundations. Or, we could reconstruct our society entirely.

Unfortunately, those who benefit from systemic discrimination rely on the fact that we won’t resist them; the best way to ensure complicity is convincing the public that it’s insignificant—which is what they’ve effectively done. 

In fact, discrimination has become so normalized that many people act as if it's an unimportant, unchangeable element of society.

“But that’s not fair!”

“That’s the way it is. Life's not fair, deal with it.”

But it doesn't have to be that way. 

We, as students, will eventually graduate; we’ll become more significant members of society. What we do and say—our behaviours, ideologies, social interactions, understandings—will have an impact on what is and isn't socially acceptable. 

Adults—you’ve already reached this point: when you protest or join a movement, that has an impact; when you call someone out for using a slur or appropriating a culture, that has an impact; when you make sure to use someone’s pronouns, or you educate yourself on social issues, that has an impact. Though you may think your impact to be insignificant—it’s not.

Our voices can be heard.

And, sure, we could just let things happen as they do; we could remain passive, mind our own business. 

Avoiding the conflict isn't directly harming anyone, right?

Wrong.

Bystanders have always been just as bad as bullies.