twodragonsjournals

[twodragonsjournals]

It's okay. It feels bad and awkward but you're okay. You weren't that close anyways.

[twodragonsjournals]

I think I'd rather just die tonight. I can't do anything but really what smidgen of hope is there. Sure good people do good things from time to time, but for every ton of garbage removed from the oceans, fifteen more get pumped back in, and our atmosphere's going up in flames and Disney and Google and Amazon are probably all going to own everything someday and I can't pull myself together for a thirty minute phonecall to my bank so I can buy a game on a platform that'll probably go to shit someday just so I can eek out maybe half a minute of joy from this capitalistic hellscape. I'm a waste of a human being and space and I really should just die so I can stop costing people money and sanity and stop contributing to this hell of a world we live in.

There's no point to anything I do. Even if I puts a spark of joy out there, fifteen stars burn out within myself.

[twodragonsjournals]

Y'know, I don't think people care about me as much as I care about them. I've started removing notifications from a lot of blogs I used to have them on and I really doubt that people are going to even notice.

And by people I mean the people I met through h*llb*x. They don't give a shit. They don't check on me, I'm not anything to them so why am I even trying. I have never felt so fully alone even when supposedly surrounded by friends.

Am I really so unapproachable and unnecessary that they just ignore me.

What if I posted any of this on my main. Would any of it reach anyone in a way that actually matters? Or would they see it, feel guilty and just move on. Would they see my cries for help and react the same way they do any time I put a piece of myself in my art out on my blog? Just ignore it because it's not a part of any of their fandoms. Ignore it because "oh it's just Tori again, I don't really care but I support you! <3" no reblogs. Just a like if maybe they're feeling generous. If maybe they feel like casting a little pin prick of light down the hole I've dug myself.

They say there's no hard feelings. But they don't mean it. They don't give a shit. Not a single flying fuck.

Like I said, no one checks on me anymore. Because I'm not interesting. I'm just background noise that can't shout loud enough for them to focus. And maybe it's selfish to want to be seen. But maybe I'm tired of just feeling like I'm nothing and my ideas aren't good enough.

And they're right. I'm just an attention whore. I'm just nothing. And there's no hope for me in this world.

[twodragonsjournals]

That anon on my main did have a point tbh (I still don't trust them to have the full picture if I don't know who they are ofc) I probably am fine and it probably is just people not liking each other as opposed to not liking me specifically but just.

Idk, I want to hang out with a lot of people all together, not just a few people in individual groups. (If I had to guess that comes from me having had such a large family all my life)

It doesn't really help that no one really reaches out to chat with me. I don't mind people just telling me about their days.

[twodragonsjournals]

the urge to say things vs wanting to keep my friendships. FIGHT.

[twodragonsjournals]

I'll be honest I don't think they hate me as much as my brain has me convinced they do.

Like I fucked up, but they're not straight up avoiding me.

A good chunk of them still follow me but I don't think that really matters.

They sure as fuck don't trust me and I'm sure if I invited them to something they'd be like "Thanks for the offer but I'm not interested" and it'd 100% be because of my involvement in said thing.

Adjacently related,

I seriously thought I was getting better but whatever fucking piece of me refuses to get in line and stop all this bullshit from years ago just. Still insists on hanging around and making me feel like and be a shit person.

And yeah it's my own fault that things turned out the way they did. I really deserve what I got but I'm so.

I'm just frustrated with myself because I thought I could handle it and yet here I am. Frustrating myself and hurting myself again.

I've honestly felt worse about myself this past week than I have since I was in school 3 years ago.

And I'll be honest, even though I could still call many of the people I used to interact with Friends. I have never felt more alone.

I think I really meant what I said at the end of That conversation.

I'm just done fighting. For anything really. What's the point if it's all going to crumble. If I'm just going to break it further after attempting to fix it.

I'm done trying to fix things.

[twodragonsjournals]

anyways this world would probably be a lot better without me in it

[twodragonsjournals]

It's hella fucked up that I was taught from a young age that unless I preached "The Truth" to them, that I and all my friends I cared about would die forever/miss out on a "paradise" of eternal life.

That's like the first thing I'm bringing up with my therapist if they ever ask why I think I'm depressed and unwilling to do anything about my current state of affairs

[twodragonsjournals]

I have so much despair for the state of this world as it is rn. I imagine it has the ability to get better, but the right people are not around to help it get better, and despite people rallying and fighting for it, nothing gets done. If we can't fix it this time around, I hope that in my next life, things are better.

[twodragonsjournals]

i am feeling like a  bad person again

[twodragonsjournals]

hey watch this *doesn’t actually stay off tumblr that long because even i find myself unbearable*

[twodragonsjournals]

"Dont cry because it's over, smile because it happened"

Well I'm crying and smiling so hard my cheeks hurt and I'm still sad as fuck so what does that mean.

[twodragonsjournals]

Honestly what's the point anymore. Everything I did was for the people in that server. I didn't make anything without any of them in mind. Like seriously. What's the point anymore.

It's not even that I shouldn't have joined hellbox. At this point it's that I shouldn't have gotten attached but nooo I'm just an idiot who gets attached to people too easily and in the end I always end up alone. And I'm going to be alone until I die. Whether that be of natural causes or something kills me first. I bet something will kill me. I'm going to get shot or stabbed or something and die alone. Because I drive everyone around me away. And I'll deserve it because I have never once actually done something good. Everything I do either falls flat or ends up like well. Yeah.

So, you know. Why keep trying with something that just keeps hurting you. They were right. Why keep trying. Why should I do art or attempt to create in any fashion. There's no goddamn point anymore. There's nothing. At this point I either bury myself in school work or just roll over and die. If I go to sleep I won't want to get out of bed tomorrow. I'm not even tired right now.

I doubt I'll ever make anything after this point. Let alone some kind of "original" universe. Who knows what'll happen. I'll steal a concept on accident, someone will call me out, it'll get blown out of proportion and I'll probably just have to leave Tumblr at that point.

My life's about to fall apart in so many more ways I can't wait.

[twodragonsjournals]

I give it about a week before they start looking at everything I did and scrutinizing the little details of how I'm a shit person. Can't wait for someone to organize a callout post that would be nice. Confirmation of what I already know is nice.

[twodragonsjournals]

It's been a while since I've genuinely wanted to die and believed that the world would be better off without me.

I'm not going to do anything because I'm a coward but y'know.

[twodragonsjournals]

I. Honestly don't know why anyone hangs around me anymore. Tonight is ample evidence of that. I'm literally just a ticking time bomb and people always get hurt.

Like literally. That's all I did was hurt people with that server. I'm surprised any of them forgive me, they shouldn't, I hurt them. I'm a bad person.

I've always been like this. I've always hurt people and y'know they might text me after my apology like "Oh yea it's no problem. Take care of yourself!" But you know they're not going to talk to me. I'm basically going to be soft blocked. Anyone who's still friends with me after this will probably be ostracized, and it's all my fault.

Like seriously! There is no point in trying to find someone else to blame it on. Plain and simple, I made a bad choice. Many, many bad choices.

*person A that I won't name cause I don't want to be like that* was right. *Person B that I won't name cause I don't want to be like that* was also right. It was a group of people that were never going to work and maybe I could've called them friends had things gone differently. Maybe at some point it was good but I'm just an abusive person who destroys what they touch and no matter how hard I try I'm going to inevitably hurt the people I like.

I sent apologies to everyone I could but it felt performative, even though I meant it it felt like nothing cause how do you apologize for months of pain that could've been easily avoided had you just kept your mouth shut and gone back to being alone.

I don't know, maybe I liked not being alone? But it's selfish of me to want something like that I guess. and it's good to be selfish sometimes but I think this was just too much to want.

I'm going to be alone from now on I guess. And I guess that'll be. Fine.

[twodragonsjournals]

Feels kind of shitty to just run away to my main to this sideblog that...one person follows but y'know. I just have some probably very self destructive thoughts to air out and then I'll be done and go back to not interacting with Tumblr.