uhmusingmon

[uhmusingmon]

Drive them out of their homes.

Turn their city to rubble.

Imprison and torture their loved ones.

Eliminate their brothers, their sisters, the mothers and fathers.

Refuse to allow aid.

Deny them food.

Force them into a “safe” zone which becomes the next target for your missiles.

Expect survivors to accept the reality which you’ve forced upon them.

When their anger, rage, and strength rise to protect what’s left and find justice in the cruelty and atrocities thrust on them, call them terrorists.

Twist the narrative, hide the truth, and persuade the masses with propaganda.

You’ve created terror. You perpetuate terror. Yet you pretend you’re the hero against terror.

This is the beginning of your downfall.

[uhmusingmon]

Dear Universe,

I think it’s funny how whenever I am down in the dumps or in need of companionship, I tend to reach for people who are remain silent or occupied.

It amplifies the loneliness.

It invites rejection sensitivity.

I have to cope with unpleasant thoughts.

Then I get frustrated with you.

It’s as if I’m grounded from my friends and am forced to learn a lesson. And it’s a real pain, but I must say I have learned a few things.

Takeaways from my most recent experience:

- Repeated occurrences encourage me to reach for new people (when I’m feeling a lil brave).

- Loneliness, while unpleasant, is manageable. I don’t need anyone else to tend to me in order for me to feel better.

So, thank you Universe for keeping it solid.

With gratitude,

Mon

[uhmusingmon]

looking beyond the presenting problem

two months ago, I moved into a new apartment. I was excited for the freshness it offered me. And I was excited to terminate with the former property management. I knew I had left some damages and I did not leave it sparkly clean as their move out instructions requested. so I wasn't quite expecting a return on the security deposit.

what I did expect, however, was to receive notice within 45 days per state law. 45 days passed, and nothing. a little irritated, because I had to comply with their move out timeline, that they have failed to comply with the law. so I left a voicemail, and not to my surprise, it was not returned. so I called again. I was given the number of the manager in charge of the property, contacted them, and they told me they would follow up the next day..........nothing.

a week passes, I call again. I leave a message and the call is not returned. I call the office and speak with someone who said they will have the manager reach out to me. and you guessed it...nothing!

And then comes the email. The email that lists their vague charges for general cleaning and labor. At this point, I'm furious because they fail to abide by the law, their communication is shit, and they face no consequences. if I were to move out 8 days past my scheduled date, I would face retribution. Why should they be free from this!? ugh, f**k capitalistic garbage behavior profiting off the disadvantaged.

I couldn't shake my frustration, and my nervous system fell out of wack. This lead to frustration with myself for allowing it to trigger an emotional spiral. The privileged must be held accountable!

Now, while all this is upsetting, I did not understand the dark looming cloud over my head the next day. "why can't I shake this?" I thought. Conveniently, this was also therapy day.

Oh, therapy. this current therapist is about a month and a half new to me. and boy, do I have a tendency to wear my "life's tough but I've got this" mask into session. I wore it all up until this point. Maybe I shed a few tears here and there, but I kept it pretty controlled. (Mostly because I criticize myself out of crying over something that's nOt ThAt SeRiOuS or NoT tHaT bAd). This session was not like the rest.

I did not want a dark cloud following me the rest of the day. I knew I had to get comfortable with an honest display of my emotions if I wanted to change it. So I went in knowing I've gotta utilize this therapy thing (and I didn't have the energy to mask). One of the last things I texted my friend before I walked into the building was, "I hope she has a lot of tissues ready."

the session began. we got to talking. I brought up my capitalistic garbage drama and soon began the waterworks.

as I continued to talk about the situation, I began to realize -- while yes, screw capitalistic garbage (and that anger is valid) -- I was really mad about the lack of communication and no one following through with their word. it awakened an old wound for which I could finally articulate in words: my existence doesn't matter.

it was intense and a relief as I identified other events that echoed that same fallacy. I thought I had already understood the impact of these events and was aware of the lies they taught me. but not quite. this was a new layer that has been waiting to be uncovered. even though the wound has existed for years and been reopened a few times, I did not have these exact words to express the pain I felt. I had other variations, but none so blunt and to the point.

my existence doesn't matter.

cognitively, I know that is not true. but subconsciously, this wound reinforces a block in my pursuit of an authentic life and actualizing dreams. it feeds the depression, the anxiety, and self-sabotage.

by naming this once hidden thought, I can cancel it out with truth: my existence matters. I matter. I have purpose. I belong here. those who do not value me may not appreciate my existence, and their lack of appreciation does not diminish my power, my place, my purpose.

when I'm having big feelings over a presenting problem, I am reminded I can either spend energy trying to solve/fight it OR I can use it as an invitation to dig and explore to find its roots. Editing this post 8 months later to say, both can be done. Digging helps to decide which problems are worth solving.

When is the last time you felt worked up about a situation? What do you think your feelings were trying to show or tell you?

[uhmusingmon]

support drives change

I’ve taken the high road to my detriment. Carrying burdens that weren’t mine along the way, believing I was doing good. The entire time I neglected myself, my needs, my dreams. I became so distant, I lost a sense of myself as I pursued identities and roles that were not Me.

I’ve shed a lot of layers over the years, unlearning toxic patterns and beliefs. While I put in a great deal of mental work, I’ve done minimal (or no) physical work and it has taken a toll on my body. I began talking fibromyalgia with my doctor in 2019, joined a gym with high intense workouts, began feeling better, then the pandemic interrupted the routine…and once my routine is interrupted, good luck trying to get me back on it!

Well, my body didn’t like being ignored. And the pain began a slow burn. This year it’s fully ignited, and the costs of ignoring it are far greater than tending to it. I knew to do an anti inflammatory diet and exercise, but couldn’t give myself the push. I finally got a doctor to monitor it, so we can find real solutions to relieving this pain and building my strength. Also on my team, is a bad ass physical therapist, skilled talking therapist, and a brilliant chiropractor. Navigating the healthcare system is exhausting. But I’m glad I persisted. (It’s a shame there is a limit on PT & chiropractic sessions, but that’s a whole other tangent). I’m encouraged to keep showing up for myself now that I’m not doing it alone and I’m backed by a care team.

Who’s on your team? Maybe you have an accountability partner, an online group, or someone cheering you on. How else can you build community and connection to improve and enhance life?

[uhmusingmon]

recovering almost therapist

"you are so easy to talk to"

"I don't know why I'm telling you all of this..."

"you have such a calming presence, have you ever thought about being a counselor?"

these things were said to me long before I pursued the counseling route, but I received this as confirmation I was on the right track.

what I didn't receive as a memo that I was possibly steering in the wrong direction was the amount of debilitating anxiety I experienced as I tried to get there and eventually got into the field. I just figured I was mentally illy and needed to be fixed.

after I quickly burned out and exited the field, I could see where my soul was screaming for me to take another path. but I ignored it, because "this is what I'm meant to do."

maybe I am meant to offer wise counsel and support, but i know now, for me, it is not to be done through traditional means. I don't fit in that box. and that's okay.

however, I began on the traditional path to develop these therapeutic skills. that means I was in school for several years learning and practicing how to show up with clients and in therapeutic relationships. at some point, this became my way of showing up in life. and I can't help but feel as if I lost a little bit of my me-ness and my ability to truly, deeply connect with others.

some of the interviewing skills I learned as a therapist became almost a formula for my interactions with people, in general. It was as if I lost my ability to be present with people and remain stuck in the formula. this formula kept me safe in the therapeutic world, because it allowed me to implement boundaries so that I wouldn't take on or feel their stuff, but instead, I could respond in a way that was helpful (according to the textbooks). the formula seemed to have replace my natural ability to listen and be present for others.

self-disclosure for a therapist is not encouraged unless it is considered helpful for the client and their process. and even then, to be minimal as possible. without being aware of it, I had put filters on myself during my interactions with people, including friends. When friends need to confide, I'm not the same friend I once was. and where I used to enjoy being a safe space for friends, I no longer do, because I revert to the therapist role and formula; and that shit EXHAUSTS me, because I'm suddenly concerned with "am I saying the right thing? is what I'm saying helpful?" it's impacted my ability to trust myself and true nature, and has even muddied what that even looks like for me.

I'm entering year 2 (or 3? time is weird and whatever it doesn't matter), from being out of the field, and it is still a challenge. majority of the time has been spent developing awareness. now I'm in the mode of figuring out what to do with that awareness. I began last year unpacking how I would like to show up with others and I'm practicing that, though the blocks continue to appear and send me spiraling into self-doubt.

im a sociable person, and I love people (as much as I am challenged by them, whew!). so it has been a kinda lonely few years realizing my me was turned off and not knowing how to drop the formula and mask to be vulnerable and have deep connections. that's not to say I don't have any deep connections -- I do, but those took several years to develop, and even still, I'm quite guarded within those.

I know the good things about me remain and exist within, but some got buried and others have rusted over. it's taking time to recover.

[uhmusingmon]

shedding the old

Healing is a fun journey. You start making some progress, you've got a plan and begin to take action then BOOM. Something else is thrown into the mix. It shakes you from your initial focus as it invites you to adjust.

The past three years have been a major transformational period of my life. When I think the transformation season is coming to an end, I am surprised with more twists and turns.

I was building a routine to work for me, lining up projects with newfound inspiration and energy, and before I could take a big step, I was faced with a curveball regarding my living situation. Although it has been pretty inconvenient and introduced unpleasant stress and pressure on top of what already existed that I was working to manage, I accept it as a blessing.

I don't know if I work better under pressure, or if I simply just accomplish more. My ass needs a fire lit beneath to get me going, it seems. When I succumb to the pressure, I might freeze from overwhelm and engage in my patterns of escape which brings on guilt for avoiding what I ought to face. I was caught in this for a brief moment, until a specific deadline was given. That was when I decided to roll my sleeves up and face the challenge head on.

My home for five years served me for what I needed. In the past 2-3 years, though, I have increasingly grown unhappy with the living space and property management. I felt trapped because how can I move if I don't meet income requirements for a better space? I have so badly wished to launch myself into a new life, but felt constricted by my environment. Anyone who's visited me has experienced a new layout anytime they come over because I frequently rearranged furniture, trying to restructure the home. It only ever worked temporarily. It was not long before I found myself stagnant and needing to switch it up again.

In two weeks I get to say goodbye to this home. I realized I wasn't ever trapped here. I just needed to get a little creative in order to be approved in a new place. Sometimes it takes a push to think outside the box and discover alternative resources and support that have always existed.

Now that I'm moving on, I am very excited. I have craved a fresh start for years. But in my mind, that meant selling and leaving everything and everyone behind, and taking off to a new location where no one knows me. I fantasized starting completely fresh. Maybe that fantasy isn't so out of reach, but maybe it doesn't have to be quite so dramatic. Even 15 minutes away from my current location can do me some good and drastically change my everyday routine (or patterns and habits, because I wouldn't call this a routine lol). For one thing, I won't have my comfort bar two blocks down the road from me. My friends won't be in my 3 mile radius. The ease of escaping through people will be a little less.

More of the less I look forward to having is less distraction, less noise, less clutter. In the next two weeks, I am aiming to downsize, declutter, and rid as much as I possibly can. The new place is a smaller space, so physically the room is not there. The room I do have is to be calm, safe, and invite me to create. I have shed several layers of conditioning, unhelpful beliefs and thoughts, and toxic patterns. Now it's time to shed the physical shit that just gets in the way or serves as reminders of unfinished business. It's like ghosts of the old me are latched on to some of these things and it's time for them to move on so I can move on.

I do recognize, however, that the problems that exist in my current place can easily follow me, because real change isn't about the environment or surroundings, but what is going on within me. So over these next two weeks, I am preparing myself for a successful transition and continued growth. I am pinpointing my needs and inviting my Soul to guide me. I take comfort in surrender, trusting that all my needs will be met and all resources will be provided. All that is required of me is choosing the life I intend to bring and cultivate in my new space. Everything else will fall into place.

[uhmusingmon]

Recently, I had the opportunity to take a day tr!p; and oh, how magical it was.

I was with a dear friend of mine and we visited one of my favorite, sacred spots. It is called the Healing Rock. It is a large, pyramid-ish shaped rock that is riddled with trinkets and various personal items left behind as offerings.

There is a 1/8 mile trail before you arrive to the rock. The childlike wonder kicked in and the short trail felt like its own adventure. My hands wandered along different trees and their branches. I felt their warmth and their wisdom. A beautiful black butterfly landed on a branch and let me watch it for a second before fluttering off. Grateful for the beauty around me, I silently thanked the butterfly and the trees before I continued along the journey.

I approached the large rock and leaned against her with both my palms, feeling the patches of moss beneath my fingertips. I took a moment to see the latest offerings, I was curious about their stories.

Moving across the way, I sat on a bench where I observed the rock. How much pain she must have seen, how many lives she's touched, what wisdom and knowledge she has to offer... these were the things I pondered as I could see different images in the rock's details. What I saw was a lot of pain. What I felt was immense peace.

Rising from the bench, I continued on my journey. The next mission was to rejoin my friend who continued his way to the lake while I was admiring the Rock. I had to walk a little further, and there I spot him near the water's edge, sitting on a rock. I stood up on a rock, myself, feeling tall with the wind caressing my skin.

I was excited to march onward to share my thoughts about the rock. Along the way I took side quests and hopped off the trail to be with the trees. This got me thinking. Not everyone chooses to stay on the traditional path. Some of us may choose to extend our journey to a destination because there are sights to see along the way. Experiences to gather. If not careful, one may judge these extended journeys as wasted time and distraction. This is far from the case. Some people are designed for the longer route, the more unconventional path. This helps prepare them, shape them, and equip them with perspectives, skills, and opportunities that will make sense once they reach their destination.

Surrender worry, tap into yourself, and trust the Universe.

Part two coming later.