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Vital safety information from the idiots at Ungrammared!

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ITB Raleigh Refugee Crisis Intensifies

From http://ungrammared.com/2015/10/itb-refugee-crisis-intensifies/

By NORM D. GUERRE                                           10/14/2015

ITB RALEIGH – Early yesterday morning, Mayor Nancy McFarlane made one of the most controversial decisions in her career: to suspend ITB asylum rules and allow thousands of OTB refugees stranded in North Hills to enter ITB via the Beltline. Although ITB’ers are known for their humanitarianism, the flood of OTB refugees has strained both ITB infrastructure and compromised its exclusivity.

ITB continues to be the most popular destination for refugees arriving from Outside the Beltline. It has reached a record number of new asylum applications, with almost 15,000 by the end of August.

Ridge Road neighborhoods have created a quota system that redistributes asylum seekers throughout their borders based on tax income and existing population density, the purpose of which is to eliminate concentrated pockets of hockey fans such as found in “Little OTB” in the Glenwood South neighborhood.

Mordecai has opted out of any plans for a quota system and, according to Home Office figures, has accepted 216 OTB refugees under the Fans of the Big East Relocation Scheme since it began in May 2015. Neighborhood spokesperson Larry Lassiter has said Mordecai neighborhood will accept up to 500 refugees from OTB over the next six months.

Tensions in the ITB have been rising because of the disproportionate burden faced by some neighborhoods, particularly Boylan Heights, Hayes Barton, and Anderson Heights, where migrants have been arriving primarily overland but in any manner possible.

Cameron Park and the ITB Commission are in talks to impose a new tax that would help them deal with the increasing costs (and shame) of the OTB refugee crisis, reports said Saturday, citing the News & Observer. A portion of the money collected from the surcharge would be given to neighborhoods like Blount Street, Five Points, Drewry Hills and the Warehouse District to help them secure their porous borders, Jones & Blount reported.

A second part of the funds is planned to be sent to neighborhoods that have served as popular destinations among refugees such as Glenwood South. The last portion – and vast bulk – of the tax would be distributed among Neighborhoods of Origin such as Leesville, Brentwood, Oak Park, and Quail Ridge to encourage its refugees to continue living there.

In addition to the strain of absorbing extra residents, ITB schools are already feeling the strain of the children of undocumented OTB’ers. Daniels, an ESL school, will be taking in most of the refugee OTB children. ��However, teachers who can speak OTB are in short supply. Superintendent Dr. James Merrill has suggested that “…we continue our search for teachers who can speak and teach OTB. We’ll probably find them by recruiting at UNC-Charlotte or maybe Duke.”

Although most neighborhoods within the ITB have overall been able to accommodate the refugees, reaction by private citizens has been mixed. In an interview with Ungrammared, Wooden Burke stated, “Why can’t they just assimilate like every other group that’s come to ITB? If I moved to OTB I’d be driving a Mini Cooper or a Prius. It’s ITB, folks, get yourself a Tahoe!”

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Amish Restaurant-Goer Suspicious of Valet Service

Amish Restaurant-Goer Suspicious of Valet Service

A seedy-looking valet from Yoder’s flies through the streets of Lancaster, PA.   By NORM D. GUERRE                     8/28/2015 Lancaster, PA – Isaac Beiler, a local Amish boy, played hooky Tuesday afternoon to take his lady friend Miriam on an unchaperoned date to Yoder’s Family Restaurant, just outside of Lancaster. “As I tossed the reins to the valet, I told him I knew the mileage on the…

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Epic Candidate Fight on Top of a Streetcar?

Epic Candidate Fight on Top of a Streetcar?

Ungrammared’s artist rendition of the clash which may have occurred between Peacock and Stone.   By NORM D. GUERRE                      8/26/2015 Charlotte, NC – The Charlotte Observer is reporting that the two Republican mayoral candidates fought on Charlotte’s streetcar recently. It’s well known that North Carolina politics can be a knock-down-drag-out scrap.  For example we’ve had Asheville…

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USA Today, Weekly Reader Pleased So Far With N&O Merger

USA Today, Weekly Reader Pleased So Far With N&O Merger

Colorful! Fun! Newsish! By CRAIG MILLAR                                 17 AUG 2015 RALEIGH  – Editors, publishers and stockholders say they are thus far happy with the recent merging of The News & Observer with publishing titans USA Today and The Mini Page. “It’s been a blessing,” said new editor-in-chief Betty Debnam. “The blandly regional news is accessible to anyone, and the pictures are so…

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Way Too Many Zaxby's in Charlotte: Business Op Ed

Way Too Many Zaxby’s in Charlotte: Business Op Ed

The Charlotte Observer reports on Zaxby’s. By NORM D. GUERRE                       8/13/2015 Charlotte – Zaxby’s is opening its 700th in Charlotte next week, according to our brethren in news, The Charlotte Observer. However, it is the opinion of us here at Ungrammared that 700 Zaxby’s in one city, even a city as *ahem* extensive as the Queen City, is way too many.  By comparison, Starbucks has a…

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SEANC's Landscaping/Manscaping Scandal Grows as Cope Indicted

SEANC’s Landscaping/Manscaping Scandal Grows as Cope Indicted

BY ROGER THORNHILL                                                04 AUG 2015 RALEIGH – The nation’s slowest grand jury returned two indictments yesterday against Dana Cope, onetime and longtime director of the State Employees Association of North Carolina. “We scratched our heads for a while; ’cause I mean, maybe pools are a legit expense. Maybe flyin’ machine lessons are a proper way to spend…

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Carolina Panthers Change Name to Dodgers

Carolina Panthers Change Name to Dodgers

Charlotte Dodgers owner Jerry Richardson addresses the media.   By NORM D. GUERRE     8/4/2015 Charlotte – The Carolina Panthers announced today a change in the team name. “The Carolina Panthers will henceforth be called the Charlotte Trolley Dodgers, or the Charlotte Dodgers,” stated owner Jerry Richardson and Coach Ron Rivera in a joint press conference. The new name pays tribute to…

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Not-For-Nothin-A-Thon Aims to Decrease Unawareness of Double Negatives

Not-For-Nothin-A-Thon Aims to Decrease Unawareness of Double Negatives

The “link buildings” at NCSU, three undisconnected structures that house the English department. BY CRAIG MILLAR                                                       03 AUG 2015 RALEIGH – The English Departments of NC State and Meredith College announced yesterday that they are, as a whole, not unexcited to host this year’s Not-For-Nothin-A-Thon, an annual tradition which is not wholly…

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Health Advice by Doctor Madame Secretary Madame Ambassador Aldona Wos, MD

Health Advice by Doctor Madame Secretary Madame Ambassador Aldona Wos, MD

  Greetingz! Here is ze adwices I feel compelled to geev az part of ze outreaches from ze Department of ze Heath and ze Human Cervixes – ha ha, zat vas a joke. Eet ees Human Services. Pleez do not azk me to come to ze NC Zenate to explain to ze bunch uv orangutangs vat humor eez. On Summer Safety: My mother had zee saying, “It’s hotter zen za Satan frying pierogis.” And zis summer has been one…

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Jones + Blount, Ungrammared Merge in Unparalleled Sharing of Dynastic Media Power

Jones + Blount, Ungrammared Merge in Unparalleled Sharing of Dynastic Media Power

By THE EDITORIAL BOARD                                  JUL 20, 2015 RALEIGH – So after we wrote what was arguably the best piece ever about a competitor’s “news”site, the ‘rents started to bang regularly on the basement door, asking why they were getting threatening letters from “some g**damn outfit called ‘Jones + Blount’.” Why, indeed. Turns out you can’t just write stuff willy-nilly on the…

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Blind Date Goes Poorly At Local Restaurant

Blind Date Goes Poorly At Local Restaurant

A menu such as this would have made the Woodson-Blount date much better.                   By NORM D. GUERRE 7/20/2015 Raleigh – A date Saturday night of Gov. Morehead School sophomores’ Woodson Whitaker and Emily Blount began very well but ended poorly. The two would-be love birds began their afternoon by throwing a Frisbee back and forth in Pullen Park. Despite losing the Frisbee shortly after…

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Clinton Wants A Female's Face On The Bill

Clinton Wants A Female’s Face On The Bill

Hillary Clinton addresses an all female crowd on the merits of women on the Bill. By NORM D. GUERRE                   7/8/2015 WASHINGTON-Hillary Clinton said Tuesday that a woman’s face should be on a Bill, and that whoever the woman is, it should definitely be her face that is on the Bill. “I want a woman on the Bill,” Clinton said on CNN in her first national TV interview since announcing her…

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Nurse Sharks Increase Attacks in NC; Doctor Sharks Take Credit

Nurse Sharks Increase Attacks in NC; Doctor Sharks Take Credit

OUTER BANKS—Nurse sharks have stepped up attacks here in recent weeks, only to find all the credit and attention going to the doctor sharks. “I would say – again – that this is totally unfair, but that would only be banging my hammerhead against a wall,” said a nurse shark who had just chomped down on a man’s leg after which a doctor shark gave a press conference on how awesome he was. At press…

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UNC-CH Women Ready to Face Germany

UNC-CH Women Ready to Face Germany

by PETER SMITH-KINGSLEY           Jun 30, 2015 EDMONTON, Alberta —The UNC-CH women’s soccer team takes on Germany today on the coveted World Cup stage for the teams’ semifinal match. Excitement, if tempered, is building on Chapel Hill’s campus. “I like that our school is representing America, but I hate the uniforms,” said Peter Gozenia, a junior studying Oceanic textile art. “I mean, where’s the…

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Alternate-Universe Wal-Mart, NASCAR To Drop Betsy Ross Flag

Alternate-Universe Wal-Mart, NASCAR To Drop Betsy Ross Flag

Betsy Ross sewed the original flag of for rebel George Washington. By NORM D. GUERRE                                     6/24/2015 The 50 Colonies – Long a controversial symbol of home rule, sovereignty, and rugged individualism to some but a symbol of treason, tax evasion, and free riding to others; colonial super store Wal-Mart and NASCAR have decided to drop any association with the Betsy Ross…